Ya know.. jokes all in good fun.

But this shyt right here? This is how friends become victims of a most horrible misunderstanding.

In what’s got to be the worst makeover ever, Mark Longley from Crawley in Surrey, spent his bachelor party (also known as, stag do or buck’s night) with pubic hair literally glued to his face.

Photos uploaded to Facebook by best man Steve West explain that the ~pube beard~ was made possible thanks to donations from Mark’s best friends.

In addition to the man-made mask, Mark wore clown-shoes, was taped to a wheelchair, and was decorated with permanent marker. He was also given a cabbage “best friend” to hold on to at all times.

source

Let me just say that if any of you guys out there are reading this and for some reason we end up partying together (hell to the nawl) and one of you gets the bright idea that every should glue their pubic hair to my face ass face, I just want you all to know that after you do, you should probably also kill me.

Because please believe I am going to do shyt to you that isn’t legal to do to farm animals.

ALso, let me just say what everyone else is thinking here, ok? Something that no one wants to say out loud because they don’t want to be viewed as a racist but… let’s just be honest with one another.

I know I know… Slaus that isn’t a very nice thing to say! Some of your best friends are white! Some of your relatives are white? fifty gazillion of your exes are white. How could you say this about white people????

Because…

Because they are always doing some ol shyt ass and shyt -shyt!! If you have every partied with a group of young under 35 year old white males and lived to tell the tale, you know good and damn well they act like they have NO fear of consequences!! NONE!!!  Just doing shyt all because reasons. Reasons that only make sense to other white males.   Every time a white dude says: ” You know what would be cool??” Negroe, call your next of kin and let them know you more than likely won’t live to see tomorrow because you are about to go do some truly dangerous but cool shyt. Oh it will be fun. It will be the most fun you have ever had in all of ever even. But it WILL be some shyt that almost gets you killed all in your face by some shyt you had no business doing.   Hell I remember catching a ride home from work back in San Francisco thinking we are heading over the bay bridge to Oakland. Nawl. These pale booty bytches got on the 101 freeway talking about: ” You know what would be cool, if we just went to LA for the three day weekend.” No one stopping off at home to get clothes or nothing!!! Bytches kidnapped me, son!! Ok I went willingly…. but shut the hell up. This isn’t about me being stupid, this is about them.  How dare you use me against me.

Oh and we did have one of the best weekends ever ass ever…. still. We almost died a total of 4 times that weekend doing shyt I can’t put into writing. Because I’m not sure the statute of limitations is up after 16 years.

Still….. they glued pubes to his FACE!!!???

I can’t even grow facial hair and then you rub in the fact by gluing dick follicles to my face!??

THis would be me dumping all my life savings into a wishing fountain just to wishamufuckawould.

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. —A family of four had a rude awakening Friday morning when the homeowner’s ex broke in and defecated on several of the family’s belongings, according to the Orange County Sheriff’s Office. (Translation: THIS negro shit on em,son!!! He literally shit.ass.shit on them!)

The victim was asleep at first, but at least one of the three children inside the home allegedly witnessed Michael Anthony Johnson, 27, of Apopka, break into the home and defecate on things, deputies said. (Translation: THEN one of the gatdamn babies woke up and witnessed this cretin doing the damn dookey all over the house! The baby woke up like Cindy Loo Who in the Grinch Stole Christmas n shyt! Oh the humanity, people!!)

“The Fuck is he DOING?”

Johnson is accused of defecating on the victim’s bed sheets, a glass kitchen plate, a wallet and a dresser. (………. this negroe shit on a plate. A damn Plate. THIS FOOL SHAT ON A PLATE!!! Who shyts on a plate!!?? It’s one thing to shyt all over the house but…. shitting on a PLATE!??? That’s just disrespectful as hale. Bruh.. you’re a savage. That’s the kind of ish you do when the devil is on your shoulder telling you to do things unhindered by the interfering Angel because the little angel that’s supposed to tell you all the good things to do is too busy smoking crack ass crack!)

Johnson was arrested in January for domestic battery, criminal mischief, and resisting arrest and was not supposed to be at the home, deputies said. A court order was issued banning him from returning to the home.

“The defendant had only been out of jail two days before violating the no contact order,” investigators said in the arrest report. ( He couldn’t WAIT to shyt on a bytch!!!!)

[source]

In all fairness though, if you look in his eyes you can clearly see the soul of the type of person who WOULD shit on a plate though.

Bruh…. I just can’t with these sleestak looking ass fools.

There are better ways to handle a situation rather than shitting on a person’s personal property! I don’t know of any but still. I’m not exactly a role model though.

This post finally gives me a reason to post this meme.

A man has been cleared of sexual assault charges after admitting he ejaculated into a female co-worker’s coffee cup. (Cleared…of sexual assault…charges. Should he have hit her all in the forehead with his penis first??)

John Robert Lind was originally charged with sexual assault, but a loophole in Minnesota law doesn’t categorize his behavior as a sex crime, a judge ruled. (Man the law betta recognize! Dude jizzed in her coffee, man! He shot cock snot…in her coffee!!) 

The victim, Pat Maahs, says she is fighting the ruling and hopes to close the loophole, which would require Lind to register as a sex offender.

According to Maahs, she and Lind worked together for 14 years at Beisswengers hardware store in New Brighton, Minnesota.  Over the past six months, she noticed her coffee tasted funny. (ok..I laughed.) According to Maahs, she caught her co-worker at her desk and noticed a puddle of fluid.  That’s when she realized what had been going on.

“Lind said that he likes [the victim] and is attracted to her,” court documents state. “Lind admitted that he ejaculated on [the victim’s] desk and in her coffee on August 26, 2014.”

When investigators questioned Lind about the incident, he admitted to ejaculating in the woman’s coffee twice.  He also admitted to ejaculating on her desk and belongings on other occasions, police said.

“When asked why he did this, Lind said he thought it was a way to get [the victim] to notice him,” the court documents state.[source]

BRUH!!!

When investigators questioned Lind about the incident, he admitted to ejaculating in the woman’s coffee twice.  He also admitted to ejaculating on her desk and belongings on other occasions, police said. 

MULTIPLE TIMES!!! WHO goes around just..just jizzing on ish!!  What a really messed up way to run around marking territory on ish that isn’t even YOURS!  This would be like me going to the cadillac dealership, walking up to the ELR coupe, because it is by far the most beautiful thing on the road in my opinion, and then going over to the handle of the car and just…just wiping my penis on the handle. Why? Because It’s gonna be mine. Eventually.  Or.. because I just like it.  Because that’s pretty much what the hell he did. Can you imagine people just randomly putting their genital secretions on random ish or persons that they like?

Costco would be the most disgusting experience ever. Ever day would just be… be… ugh bytch ugh.

Let me tell you this though. You walk over to my damn cup of pumpkin spice coffee and you put ANYTHING in it that came from your body? Especially your genitals?

On every thing I love, there won’t even be a trial.

I sweatergod!!!

I’m socking you through your face.

Not sexual assault.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

::stabbing motion::

I give you Angelo in all of his Delusions of Grandeur

For some reason he disabled embedding on his “official” video for his first single but here is the link.

Yes this fool has a single out on iTunes.

Dicks.

All kinds of just..just dick.

According to the company’s website, Dicks by Mail offers a service whereby you can send some edible dicks to “anyone in your life that deserves [a] feeling of sadness, disappointment and betrayal.”

It goes on: “In only a few minutes you can send a literal Bag of Dicks to that special asshole in your life. You know the one. The annoying guy at the office. Your Ex who decided to see other people before telling you. The Teacher that doesn’t care about your dead grandma. The person that murdered your grandma.” [source]

Man I wish I had taken advantage of the dickatry before doing this post because I would have sent Bef and Ambz as much dick as dicks by mail could ship at once. I’d pay extra to have the dicks delivered whilst a singing telegram guy does a song and dance about the ish.

“How many dicks could a Slausbytch ship, if a Slausbytch could ship dicks. ”

Why?

Just because.

Because I can. And because we live in a world that makes it possible for you and I to be able to passive aggressively annoy one another with …with dicks, Planet Earth.

I don’t think you get the beauty of it all.

I…I’m gonna need a moment.

If you could anonymously send  bag of dicks to anyone, who would it be and why?

A BRISTOL mum has revealed her shock after she found a bag of bananas her husband had bought from Tesco were infested with spiders – which are known to give men erections.

Maria Layton, 43, mum of Siri, aged six and Phoebe aged three, made the frightening discovery after opening the bag of bananas bought from Tesco.

The Tesco bananas were exported from Costa Rica – home of the world’s most dangerous spider – the Brazilian Wandering Spider aka Banana Spiders whose Greek name means “murderess”.

They are aggressive and venomous spiders which can lead to death and serious injury – including a painful four-hour erection. [source]

Bruh… let’s back some ish up right now.

Bruh.

– the Brazilian Wandering Spider aka Banana Spiders whose Greek name means “murderess“.

The Greek name on record for this spider leaves NOTHING to be misinterpreted or misconstrued. The official name of this damn spider is The Murderess. What more do you need to KNOW, planet Earth?!! There are spiders out there with names like “that which will fuck you up” and “The spotted you gone die, bitch”.

F everything about this spider.

And then that awful ass awful bytch: mother nature, decides to give this thing a side effect that would make a fool debate whether or not risking a bite is worth it. Because on one hand it’s like: Death. But on the other it’s: 4 hours of demon dick at your disposal.

Damn, Y’all. Decisions decisions.

Over the past few years we have heard of many Christian businesses and professionals coming under fire from the liberal left and those persons who consider themselves progressives. These crusaders say that they are social fighters against “injustice” and discrimination and they have decided that their view of  what constitutes social justice should force those who abide by God’s laws and teachings to turn against the very fabric and understandings of their religion.  Christians Doctors are told that regardless of their religious beliefs, they should perform abortions.   Regardless of a Christian business owner’s steadfast belief in the teachings of Christ, a growing number of people believe these businesses should be forced to perform services for homosexuals, bisexuals, transgender etc etc.,

Frankly I think it is wrong to force anyone to perform services for members of the LGBTQ community if doing so completely and utterly goes against the teachings of their religious faith. That is why when State Sen. Chuck Strohm (R) introduced the Oklahoma Religious Freedom Act, unlike many of you, I did not get all up in arms.   Then when Sen. Joseph Silk introduced a similar bill in the Oklahoma Senate on the grounds that the LGBTQ movement was challenging religious liberties and the freedom to live out Religious convictions, I shrugged and thought to myself: This is true.  Still many of you were very upset.

If I had a storefront business, I wouldn’t serve anyone in a Sarah Palin shirt. I wouldn’t serve anyone in a “I can Breathe because I don’t break the law” shirt. I wouldn’t serve anyone with any Anti-Obama clothing on their person or bumper sticker on their car.

Sorry everyone. I think Christian businesses and professionals should have the right  and freedom to practice their professions in accordance with Christian beliefs.

Yet like Oklahoma democrat state Rep. Emily Virgin, I believe that if these Christians professionals should have the right to discriminate against members of the LGBTQ community, I feel we as consumers should have the right to know this about them so that we can decide if we want to give them our money.

Freedoms aren’t freedom FROM consequences.

Oklahoma Democratic state Rep. Emily Virgin wants Christian businesses to post a public notice of discrimination if they intend to claim that they have a religious right to refuse service to LGBT people.

The amendment to HB1371 introduced by Virgin on Tuesday would require religious businesses to come out of the closet.

“Any person not wanting to participate in any of the activities set forth in subsection A of this section based on sexual orientation, gender identity or race of either party to the marriage shall post notice of such refusal in a manner clearly visible to the public in all places of business, including websites,” the amendment states.

“The notice may refer to the person’s religious beliefs, but shall state specifically which couples the business does not serve by referring to a refusal based upon sexual orientation, gender identity or race.”

The Gayly noted that Virgin’s amendment “would save minority couples from facing the indignity of being refused service.”[source]

Basically.

If you feel your religious beliefs should be respected and you should be able to discriminate against those you consider against your dogma, that is fine and dandy. I honestly do not disagree with that.

Yet I feel that it is also my right as a consumer to know this so that I can be sure to never ever everrrrrrrr give you a single portion of my spending.

Because I wouldn’t.

Ever.

I wouldn’t support you on behalf of my lesbian little sister whom I love more than life itself. I wouldn’t support you for my friend Luc S, Sophia E, Ken, Lauren, Danny and countless others. I wouldn’t support you on behalf of every person that ever took their own life because they couldn’t imagine trying to live in a world that hated them for no other reason than their sexual orientation.

I wouldn’t support you because… it simply goes against my values as a human being.

And although I don’t think ANYONE should force you to betray your religious beliefs and freedoms at ALL.

I TRULY DON’T. Understand that. I do NOT think man’s law should trump the laws of God as you understand them. You have my FULL support on following your beliefs.

Yet I think the buying public should be allowed to decide if they want to support you for it.

I don’t think you should be allowed to hide behind religion.

That’s the thing about freedoms. They give you the right to follow what you think is right. But EVERY freedom comes at a price.

Freedom to do something does not mean freedom from the consequences.

If Christian professionals wish to discriminate against the LGBTQ community, Minorities, etc. As angry as it may make you, That is their right. No one is being killed or assaulted by being refused service. Humiliation? Sure. That is it.

But I don’t think they should be allowed to conceal that fact.

Same goes for me, as I am no hypocrite.

If my beliefs offend YOU in any way, know that I think you have every right to never support the things that I do.

I am 100% willing to enjoy the accolades as well as accept the consequences of my beliefs.

These Christian Professionals and Businesses should be willing to do the same.

Right? If you disagree, let us know why….

A Nigerian woman filed for divorce from her husband because his penis was too big, according to media reports.

Aisha Dannupawa, a housewife and mother-of-three, asked for her marriage to husband Ali Maizinari to be dissolved due to his large manhood.

Their divorce was granted after just one week of marriage in a Islamic Sharia court in Nigeria’s Zamfara State.

She told the court she had married Maizinari after her first marriage failed.

As part of the local tradition, before settling into her husband’s home the bride was invited to move into his parents’ house.

But it was only when the couple first had sex she claimed that the trauma began. (Bruh..she said the dick caused Trauma, son. Did y’all read that Planet Earth? Trauma.)

‘When he came, we had sex but the experience was a nightmare. Instead of enjoying the sex, it turned out to be something else, because his penis was too big,’ she told the court, according to Nigeria’s Tribune.

After their first unsuccessful attempt at making love, she took medication given to her by her mother. (Her momma gave her some damn chemical X, y’all. Momma tried to save her baby’s inside parts from the dick).

‘I told my mother the experience but she told me to endure and that with time, I will be able to cope. She then gave me some drugs,’ she said to Nigerian media. (Wait, nope. Momma just letting her baby get impaled, y’all… just skewered)

According to Dannupawa, the couple had sex again but it was ‘too much to bear’ and the couple concluded that no drug could help their sex life or their marriage.

Maizinari did not deny the accusation and told the court he was willing to dissolve the union if his dowry and money spent during the courtship was paid back. [source]

“According to Dannupawa, the couple had sex again but it was ‘too much to bear’ and the couple concluded that no drug could help their sex life or their marriage.”

Planet Earth, that heffa took in just the tip and her damn walls were like:
That brother tried to hit her off with that pure from concentrate-ass mandingo jibby. That fool was about to cause a home hysterectomy n ish, y’all.  I bet when he just whipped that thing out and it hit the floor with a loud thunk sound, she was like:

Then after he put the first 2ft worth of penis in that azz I bet all bets were off and the poor girl was like:

At that point I am sure she didn’t care HOW many goats and dollars that dowry was, she thought about a life of having to be utterly impaled by that demon dick-ass having ass fool and she thought HELL TO THE NAWL!! Girl was probably boarding up her vagina like fools do before a hurricane comes in.  Police tape all around the bed n ish. Chick probably tried to ward off the demons in that penis by putting salt around her door and windows and all around the bed. Burning sage and cilantro all around the house. Sacrificed 4 goats. ANYTHING to help!

Now I know some of you size-queen azz heffas out there reading this right now and are like: Jibby too big??

Maan sit your ol Open Hippo Mouth sized Vagina having azz down somewhere. Ol bottomless pit-ass heffas. You get aroused and your damn Vagina starts up like a damn Stargate n ish.

I don’t know if I’m seriously jealous of this fool or if his life sounds lonely as hell. Sounds like his penis causes instant friendzone for women. She lets you try to put that ish in and then is like: “Let’s just be friends!!!!”

Daaang.

All of his exes are somewhere in body casts n ish

TRINITY, Texas —

A Texas woman is lucky to be alive after her rolling vehicle threw her through a church window into a pew early Tuesday morning. The accident happened about 4:30am near Highway 19 and F.M. 1617 in Trinity in east Texas.

The Trinity Police Department says the woman was a passenger in the car with another man and an infant when the car left the roadway, flipping several times. Neither the man nor the woman had seat belts on and both were ejected from the vehicle. The infant was in a car seat and loosely seat-belted in and remained in the car unhurt.

The woman could have been thrown into the side of the church, but luckily, went through a stained glass window before landing on the floor in front of a pew. The woman suffered only minor injuries, not even getting cut when thrown through the glass. Trinity Police Chief Steven Jones said the Trinity Chapel church is an historical building and thinks the brittle wood and stained glass of the window broke away easily.

The male passenger was able to walk away after the accident and all three occupants of the car were taken to East Texas Medical Center in Trinity. The cause of the accident is unknown but the accident happened near a fork in the road and the pavement was slick.

The Trinity Chapel African Methodist Episcopal Church building is 125 years old and traces its origin back even further to 1882. [source]

Hey I am not the most religious man in the world but I do hold a HIGH respect for those of true faith. With that said though? I kind of feel like if you are in a car accident…and you flip ass flip over and over through a field… get ejected from the vehicle…FLY your ass through the air… THROUGH ass THROUGH a gatdamn window and not into the wall but get this, bytch…THROUGH THE WINDOW… and land on the floor with NARY ass NARY a cut on your person…even though your ass just flew through a window….. Maaaaybe just maaaaybe … SOMEBODY is trying to tell you something. iii’m just saying.

I don’t believe in coincidences… and I am a man who highly leans towards science and facts and examples. But let my big ass go flying through the air, into a window and unto the floor of a church with nan cut. Bytch I’ll be in that church every other evening. I’d run the building fund with sister Johnson, read the bible front back and side to side, learn to play the organ so the gay guy who always plays can get some rest.

Maaaaan.. this was wild.

And kudos for having the damn baby in a car seat.

But i’m not a member of ANY of those cultures soooooooo I”M about to be judgmental and ignant ass ignant!!!

Heeeere we go!

An eccentric South American man known for his Green Lantern costume ended up wearing it even when he was dead, after being embalmed and dressed in the outfit to welcome guests to his own funeral.

Renato Garcia, 55, had found the costume in a box next to be a bin in the city of San Juan, in the north-eastern Puerto Rico and was known for wearing it around his local area. When he died last week after suffering a severe asthma attack, his family decided it was appropriate that he was also buried in it. So after he was embalmed, his body was then propped up in the corner of the hall where the funeral took place under the instructions of his sister Milagros Garcia, 51, who said: ‘It is what he would have wanted.’ [source]

THIS is the line that messed me up….

“…his family decided it was appropriate that he was also buried in it”

NO IT GATDAMN WELL WASN’T APPROPRIATE!

Man it wasn’t even appropriate to wear around town for errands, fool! Let alone this boolshyt.

Now I’m not one to speak ill of the dead but…but…this muhfuh walking to the post office as the damn Green Lantern, son! GREEN….LANTERN.  And I know it wasn’t as if he was hurting anyone or anything but that isn’t the point. There is a time and place for everything and traipsing ass traipsing about in a damn Green Lantern costume is appropriate at Comic-con, Costume Party, freaky time in the bedroom and children’s parties. Preferably not freaky time at children’s parties either ya nasty bytches.  If I said right now that I’m about to go to the store for some kale, quinoa and green apple Nowwwnlaters ( Now n Laters candies,ho) and you saw me get in the car whilst dressed as a damn Dalek from DR WHO, I give any of you permission to run out there and slash my tires and fight me in the face.  Can’t have a Slaus driving around town looking like:

“Baby i’m just about to go to the store right quick. You want some funyons?”

Bruh… they got his lil narrow ass in the corner like the most fuck-ass lamp ever imaginable!!

Man you see the kid’s just standing there at a safe distance just in case some shyt pop off! Look at lil Alejandro’s face!!! You can visibly SEE the NOPE in his eyes.

 And you know the other kids are talking shyt and daring him to go stand next to the body like:

Kid: ” Hey n*gga Hey. I bet you won’t go touch Mr Garcia’s belt.”
Kid 2: ” I bet you’re right, ol hook head fool.”

JUST because our relatives loved certain things whilst they were amongst the living does not mean we need to feature them doing that same ish in death.  Man I love the shyt out of Grilling, Dungeons n Dragons, Anime and Sci-fi but if y’all EVER hear about my next of kin wanting to pose me up at one of my BBQ Grills dressed up as a dead ass dead Voltron, I want you to fly a plane into their faces. Everyone who had anything to do with that decision, I want you to fight them.

All in their face like this:

To be fair to Mr Garcia’s friends and family, it isn’t like they are the only recent mofos to have done this. Look at this shyt here…

HOW the fugg are you gonna pose Meemaw like this! I don’t care if this was her favorite thing to do, son!! This shyt is savage! They got her damn face looking unfortunate as fugg! If this poor woman wasn’t already dead I would swear she was saying: “kill..me…and don’t let them pose me in my chair after I’m gone..”

 
Sure it’s a really nice bike and sure…I bet he was a BEAST on that thing and he loved it like no other thing or experience could be loved. But no. Then again..this is kind of majestic…I can’t lie. But this next boolshyt….

This is really how y’all are gonna do Cat Daddy n’nem?  Realy?? Man.

They..posed..this..damn..woman..with a glass of whack-ass beer, an ash tray and a box of new ports!???  And got the nerve to have her looking like a mufuggin SLeestak from the Land Of The Lost!???

YALL PLAY TOO DAMN MUCH!!! She didn’t deserve this. EVERYTHING about this is unacceptable!!

ok but…as far as production values go? This is pretty damn impressive.  But this last one.. still takes the cake..

Bruh….. just stacked lil Joker up in the corner behind the piano??  Where is the love…..