The Okapi Factor

Chekhov’s Gun

2022-11-06T00:00:00+00:00

Chekhov's Gun: A rifle that is hung on the wall in the first act of a play must go off in the second or third act.
Chekhov's Gum: Gum that is visibly chewed in the first act must appear stuck to the sole of someone’s shoe in the third.
Chekhov's Sun: If the sun sets before the action of the play begins, it should rise in the third act, just in time to turn the vampire antagonist to ash.
Chekhov's Bun: Any baked good that is eaten in the first act should be found to have left crumbs in an inconvenient location in the second or the third.
Chekhov's Hun: A Eurasian nomadic leader who comes to power in 434CE must conquer substantial parts of Western Europe by 453CE.
Chekhov's Drum: A percussion instrument that is given to a small child in the first act will have driven the adult characters in the play insane by the third.
Chekhov's Mom: Yevgeniya Yakovlevna Morozova Chekhova (1835-1919)
Chekov's Phaser: A personal energy weapon issued to Ensign Pavel Chekov of the USS Enterprise. It may be fired at any time that the plot demands it.
Chekhov's Gnu: A large African antelope, sometimes referred to as a wildebeest. The animal in question was the property of the playwright Anton Chekhov and a family pet popular with the children of his sister Maria Chekhova.

Coup in Russia

2022-05-22T00:00:00+00:00

Thank you for completing this SurveyMonkey survey about the proposed coup in Russia:

Have you heard about the coup?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Don't Know
If there were to be a coup, would you join in?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Haven't decided yet
Who do you think would make the best coup leader?
[ ] Valery Gerasimov
[ ] Sergei Shoigu
[ ] Aleksandr Bortnikov
[ ] Other ________________
[ ] Don't know
What are some of the things you would hope that a coup might bring about?
[ ] Removal of Vladimir Putin from power
[ ] End of the 'special military operation' in Ukraine
[ ] Increase in your own prestige, power and wealth
[ ] Installation of a Western-style democracy in Russia
[ ] Installation of a military dictatorship run by the military
[ ] Civil war
[ ] Global thermonuclear war with the West
[ ] Other ____________
In your opinion, is a coup:
[ ] Very necessary
[ ] Possibly appropriate
[ ] Not needed at all
[ ] A bad idea
[ ] No opinion
What are some of the things that you think are needed for a successful coup?
[ ] Support of the army
[ ] Support of the FSB
[ ] Support of the people
[ ] Defenestration of Vladimir Putin
[ ] Seizure of radio, television and Internet services
[ ] Commemorative merchandise (i.e. hats, T-shirts, lapel pins)
[ ] Social media marketing (TikTok, FaceBook, Twitter etc.)
[ ] Other ________________
If you were to take part in a coup, who would you like to see as your co-conspirators?
(name up to five; include addresses and telephone numbers if possible)
_____________________________________________________________________
If your coup was unsuccessful, how would you expect to be punished?
[ ] Summary execution during arrest
[ ] Exile to Siberia
[ ] Firing squad
[ ] Clandestine murder using Novichok, polonium or other toxic substances.
[ ] Stern reprimand delivered in person by Vladimir Putin
[ ] Loss of Playstation privileges for at least a month
[ ] Other _____________
Which of these proposed code names would make you more eager to join a coup?
[ ] Operation Pootie Bye-Bye
[ ] Let's Kick Bad Vlad in the Nads, Lads
[ ] Putin on the Ritz
[ ] Russia Reboot 2.0
[ ] Red Square Redemption
[ ] For the Motherland!
[ ] Tsar Wars IV: A New Hope
[ ] Other ____________________
If you were to be arrested and imprisoned following a failed coup, do you have any special dietary requirements?
[ ] Vegetarian
[ ] Vegan
[ ] Kosher
[ ] Anything that doesn't have rat droppings in it.
[ ] Other ___________________
Finally, are there any suggestions or comments you would like to add?
_____________________________________________

Please do not forget to include your name, home and work addresses, and the names and addresses of at least five close relatives or friends. Please also indicate a time and place that would be convenient for Interior Ministry police to arrest you and your associates.

The Russian Major General

2022-04-16T00:00:00+00:00

(Sung to the tune of Gilbert & Sullivan's "Modern Major General")

I am the very model of a Russian major-general
I've weapons biological, conventional and chemical
I organize my soldiery in manner hierarchical
And take my marching orders from a tyrant oligarchical

I wear a Sfera helmet that is crafted from titanium
With armor plate on every side to guard my fragile cranium
I applaud the use of terror for a purpose motivational
But disapprove of war crimes unless purely recreational

I'm very good at flattering my leaders and superiors
And devising cruel punishments for insolent inferiors
In short in warfare nuclear, conventional and chemical
I am the very model of a Russian major-general

In the course of pursuing his ambitions territorial
And of governing the nation in a manner dictatorial
My president is prone to issuing menaces atomical
Against the Western powers who so seldom find them comical

I execute my strategies in parallel and serial
To realize Mr. Putin's aspirations quite imperial
I know our country's borders both the current and traditional
But regard our present limits as entirely transitional

I'm very fond of missiles both ballistical and tactical
And of wearing all my medals even when it isn't practical
In fact in warfare nuclear, conventional and chemical
I am the very model of a Russian major-general

I'm comfortable upon a horse or suspended from a parachute
And notably indifferent to civilians that I have to shoot
I execute my orders with precision diabolical
And fire off my rockets on traject'ries parabolical

If I have a fault it might be that I'm somewhat egotistical
I have a certain blind spot when it comes to the logistical
So now that the defenders are regrouping to the north of us
My supply trucks are all scattered between Kharkiv and the Caucasus

I'm not too well-informed about geography Ukrainian
And occupying Chernobyl left me coated with uranium
But still in warfare nuclear, conventional and chemical
I am the very model of a Russian major-general

CDC urges Americans not to kiss chickens

2021-05-22T00:00:00+00:00

“OK, we’ve got this coronavirus thing pretty much done. People have got the message now: vaccination, wear masks, yadda yadda. What else is on the list?”

“Let me take a look. Hmm … how about chicken kissing? Shall we do that one next?”

“I dunno, is it a big public health problem?”

“Well, now that COVID-19 transmission rates are falling, people are going to be looking to let off steam a bit. And you know what that leads to.”

“Go right down to the old hen house, pick out a good-looking bird, and plant a big old smackeroo right there on its beak?”

“Exactly.”

“When you put it like that … OK, have someone type up a policy paper, throw together a few bullet points, and we’ll schedule a press conference for Tuesday.”

“Wait, wait, wait … we need a slogan. Something catchy that people will remember.”

“Hmm. How about ‘Lips that touch chicken will never touch mine.’?”

“Bit dated. And people might think it’s some kind of vegan thing and then we’ll have the poultry lobbyists on our case.”

“Maybe ‘This beak’s for pecking, not necking.’?”

“No.”

“Chicken McNugget, don’t kiss and hug it.”

“Can’t use proprietary trademarks.”

“If you kiss a fella’ you won’t get salmonella … Chickens may look scenic, but they’re totally unhygienic … Don’t french hens … Licking chickens makes you sicken … If she’s got feathers, stay away from her nethers …”

“I – I’m sorry, what was that last one?”

“What rhymes with ‘cluck’? Wait, I’ve got it –”

“NO!”

“Perhaps we should just go with ‘Don’t kiss that, it’s fowl’.”

“You know what – OK, yeah, yeah, that’s fine. We’ll run with that. Call the design team and get some posters made up. And try to keep it tasteful.”

Software error misclassifies female airline passengers as children

2021-04-09T00:00:00+00:00

“This is your captain speaking. I’d like to welcome you aboard this marginally-less-safe Tui Airlines flight to Majorca. We’ll be taking off in a north-westerly direction and struggling to reach our cruising altitude of 33,000 feet. Flight time will be approximately two hours and thirty minutes, assuming that the fuel holds out long enough for us to reach our destination.

Please exercise caution when moving about the cabin or opening overhead lockers because you all weigh about twice as much as you’re supposed to and any sudden movements could destabilize the aircraft. After we reach cruising altitude, our cabin staff will be moving through the cabin to bring you tea, coffee, snacks and other light refreshments, with the emphasis on the word ‘light’.

Please do keep your seatbelt fastened at all times in case we encounter unexpected turbulence. Or mountains.

On behalf of Tui Airlines, I would like to apologize for the miscalculation that led to us being launched into the blue with an entirely inadequate fuel supply. Apparently the people responsible for planning saw a passenger manifest composed only of adult males and female children and didn’t think there was anything odd about that. Maybe they just assumed it was a Jeffrey Epstein charter flight or something.

We’ll be touching down somewhere in the vicinity of Majorca at around 11PM local time. If you’d like to get some sleep now, our flight crew will wake you shortly before both engines flame out and we enter our descending death spiral. Thank you again for choosing Tui Airlines: we appreciate your custom and never forget that you could have decided to fly instead with an airline that can actually do math.”

White House seeks to discredit Fauci

2020-07-13T00:00:00+00:00

In an unusual move, the White House has leaked a document designed to discredit a leading member of its own coronavirus task force, NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci.

A White House spokesman said that there was concern that Dr. Fauci had sometimes been wrong in his recommendations. “In these uncertain times, what the American people are looking for is consistency,” the spokesman said. “Dr. Fauci has sometimes said one thing and then, as new information comes in, he’s revised his advice to reflect the new facts. People find that confusing. Whereas the President has been 100% consistent throughout. At all times, on every single point, he’s been reliably wrong. Whether he was ignoring the threat, claiming the virus would disappear by itself, pushing a ‘cure’ that turned out to be not only useless but sometimes lethal, or simply babbling inanities about bleach and sunlight, President Trump has always been 100% incorrect. And I think that people find that very reassuring. These are worrying times, but knowing that each time the President opens his mouth, he’s going to say something completely asinine, that gives Americans a much-needed sense of certainty.”

The spokesman declined to discuss ways in which the President planned to be wrong in future, urging everyone simply to be patient. “The President is a tremendously creative thinker. It’s impossible to predict exactly what he’ll say next. He might tell us that the virus was created by Hillary Clinton in the bathroom of a Motel 6. He might recommend covering yourself from head-to-toe in mustard as protection against the virus. What we can say with certainty, however, is that he will be as wrong as he’s always been, and that any recommendations he makes will be at best useless, at worst actually dangerous. And I think that’s important. If, at this late stage, the President were to start saying things that were actually sensible and well-informed, people would find that unsettling. So it’s not going to happen.”

Neither Dr. Fauci, Hillary Clinton, or the SARS-CoV2 virus could be reached for comment at press time.

Pence used personal email for state business

2017-03-03T00:00:00+00:00

The following emails sent by Governor Mike Pence were disclosed in response to an FOIA request.

"Dear AOL Support. My name is Governor Mike Pence. I recently noticed that I am still being billed for AOL, which I have not used since 1997. Please could you close my account and refund me for the unused months. Thanks, on behalf of the great state of Indiana. – Mike"

"Dear AOL Support. I wrote to you last month to ask you to close my account, but I have not heard back from you. I've just seen that I've been billed again. Please close my account now. – Mike Pence"

"Attn: AOL Support. I just saw your reply to my message, in which you say that you cannot refund me because I have recently used my account. I used my account to send YOU a message asking you to close my account. Please close the account now and do not bill me any more. – Mike Pence"

"Dear 'Robert' … if that is really your name … the reason that I did not complete the Account Closure Process in the 30 day period is because my modem was busy the entire time downloading twenty years worth of spam advertising 'tactical flashlights' and timeshares. In fact, I think it's still busy, and my nephew tells me that at 9600 baud (whatever that is) it may take until the early 2050s just to catch up with the backlog. I also wish to complain about some of the messages that have already successfully downloaded. I assure you that I have no interest in meeting any "hot gay bears for steamy sex hookups". Other messages – I am sure you know the ones I mean – refer to a strictly private matter that is between Mrs Pence and myself. Moreover, the Lord has given me the body that I have, according to his purposes, and it would be sinful of me to try to change it. I find it disturbing that AOL delivers this type of material to subscribers and I will be conferring with my advisors to see if anything can be done. Close my account. – Mike Pence."

"To Whom It May Concern. Please find attached the draft text of the 'Indiana Internet Practices Regulatory Bill'. Please pay special attention to subsection 47b, which specifies penalties of up to $500,000/day for any Internet service provider that fails to close the account of an elected public official when requested. This bill will become law very shortly; I recommend that you CLOSE MY ACCOUNT NOW to avoid heavy potential penalties. – Gov. Mike Pence."

"Just close my account. I never wanted it in the first place. My daughter set it up sometime in the mid 1990s because she said I needed to get on the Internet. I don't even know how it works. I've barely used it. Also, my carport is full of those goddamn CDs of yours. After you close my account, please send a U-Haul and two big guys to take them all away. Do that for me and we won't say any more about Subsection 47b or the money you've already billed me. Thanks, Mike Pence."

"Attention Internet Terrorists! Close my account, and stop billing me, or I will call out the Indiana National Guard. This is your last warning. – Governor Mike Pence."

"Dear AOL. It appears that I may have inadvertently clicked 'Reply' while reading an email message, and mistakenly ordered a product that I did not want. Is it possible for you to delete an email after it has been sent? The subject line of the message was "Doctor Humungo-Bull XXX the Stud Enhancer SPECIAL TRIAL OFFER", and it was sent to 'supersizeme@aol.com'. I would be grateful if you could confirm that this message has been deleted. Also, the message may contain my credit card information, so I would like you to treat it as confidential. Thank you for your help – Mike Pence."

Libertarian children's books

2016-09-01T00:00:00+00:00

Where in the world is John Galt?: A little libertarian has to look for the kindly Mr Galt in a world full of moochers and parasites.
The Keeping Tree: A tree that is in possession of valuable items such as apples and wood, which it has won by its own efforts, quite properly refuses to share any of them with a demanding and entitled child.
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Socialists: Alexander's day is ruined by people who want to take his toys. He dreams of moving to Somalia.
Make Way for Capitalism: In this enduring children's classic, a mother duck and her ducklings are unable to cross the newly-widened interstate. A private security guard ensures that they stay right where they are instead of interfering with commerce by making traffic stop for them. Later, the duck pond is filled in to build a factory.
Dora the Exploiter: Little Dora demonstrates her entrepreneurial instincts and maximizes shareholder value (series).
How the Grinch Acquired Christmas in a Leveraged Buyout!: The enterprising Grinch successfully completes the acquisition of Christmas despite opposition from the indolent and frivolous inhabitants of nearby Whoville.
The Little Engine That Was Sold for Scrap because Shared Public Transport Systems are Inherently Socialistic: (see title)

Unarmed therapist shot by police

2016-07-21T00:00:00+00:00

“He had something in his hand!”

“What, the black guy? Look at the video. His hands are empty.”

“No, the other guy!”

“The autistic guy? He’s holding a toy truck.”

“It looked like a gun.”

“Wait, let me see if I’ve got this straight. The white guy was holding a toy truck that you thought was a gun, so you shot the black guy lying down in the street with his hands in the air.”

“Yep.”

“ON WHAT PLANET DOES THAT EVEN BEGIN TO MAKE SENSE??”

“Please don’t shout, sir. Our officers are easily frightened.”

Brexit: Government rejects calls for second EU referendum

2016-07-09T00:00:00+00:00

The government has responded to the petition you signed, "EU Referendum Rules triggering a second referendum."

"The European Union Referendum Act received Royal Assent in December 2015, receiving overwhelming support from Parliament. Just as we were too clueless then to see that framing a complex issue as a simple yes/no question and playing into the hands of political opportunists and flag-waving race-baiters was probably a poor idea, we are now too spineless and inept to make even the smallest effort to unscramble the raging clusterfuck we have created.

Based on expert advice, the government has determined that it would be, if not actually unlawful, certainly tiresome and inconvenient to try to do anything about this whole shitshow. The government has therefore concluded that the best course of action, having thrown the match down, is to shrug indifferently and sprint away from the resulting conflagration, pretending we had nothing to do with it and leaving someone else to clean up the mess.

The Referendum was one of the largest democratic exercises in British history, one in which a significant proportion of British voters expressed their unambiguous support for sovereignty, self-determination, and having all those Polish wankers who are all over the place just now fuck off back to Warsaw at the earliest possible opportunity. The government notes in particular that any attempt to show a little spine at this late stage might further alienate those voters who voted to Leave, driving them into the arms of that oily little turd Farage and his goose-stepping 'Little England' friends. This is something that the government – already struggling for popular support as it tries to decide which of the two icy-hearted neo-liberal hell-bitches currently vying to be party leader it should cram down the throats of the electorate next – considers entirely unacceptable.

As the Prime Minister made perfectly clear in his statement to the House of Commons, many of the architects of this unequalled disaster have already left politics to take up jobs as city directors and newspaper columnists, or to spend more time at their private residences with a severed sow's head. Neither they, nor anyone who remains, has the slightest interest in trying to undo the unnecessary catastrophe created by the recent dick-size war between two prominent Old Etonians. It is the government's firm and nearly unanimous opinion that the government isn't about to touch that, no way José. While the government notes that the vote to Leave has had a significant impact on the British economy, with the pound currently trading at near-parity with the Albanian lek, the government anticipates that continued uncertainty over a possible exit would only make things worse for government members and major donors now desperately trying to move their assets overseas. It is therefore the government's position, supported by the results of detailed studies conducted by the Civil Service, that about all we can usefully do for the United Kingdom now is to put a bullet in its head and saunter away whistling.

The die is cast. The shit has hit the fan. We must now prepare for the process to exit the EU with as much calm, British stoicism and grimly-resigned fatalism as possible. The government wants nothing more to do with any part of this whole goatfuck rodeo. While the government respects the concerns of citizens looking forward to a future in which the shattered fragments of the United Kingdom enjoy the approximate strategic and economic importance of Bangladesh, the government will be seriously buggered if it lifts so much as a little finger to slow the nation's swift descent into murderous anarchy and economic irrelevance."

ISIS Helpline

2015-11-17T00:00:00+00:00

Thank you for calling ISIS Support. All calls may be monitored for quality assurance and training purposes. Please listen carefully to the menu as some options may have changed.

If you would like assistance with acts of terror against civilian populations, please press 1. If you require general advice on explosives or firearms, please press 2. If you would like to volunteer as a suicide bomber, press 3. For an inspirational text justifying the beheading of nonbelievers and apostates, press 4. For all other options, please remain on the line.

All of our agents are currently assisting other terrorists. Your fanaticism is important to us. Please continue to hold, and a representative will be with you shortly.

All of our agents are –

– ISIS support, Abu Omar speaking. It will be my pleasure to assist you in chastising the infidels today. Before answering your question, I would like to verify your identity. Please can you tell me your name in jihad?

And the name of your emir?

Excellent. Finally, could you please tell me the name of the town where you first heard the call to jihad?

I'm sorry, that does not match the information that I have on file. Would you like to try another question?

OK, what was the make of the vehicle used in your first car bomb?

Thank you, Mr al-Ammani. How may I help you today?

I see. I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulty with your suicide vest. Have you tried depressing the plunger with a sharp downward motion?

Yes, of course. In that case, have you verified that the wires are all connected and that the battery is charged?

To test the charge, you will need to disconnect the battery from the vest and –

– yes, Mr al-Ammani, I understand. Please be patient with me. I understand that you are eager to blow yourself up. Just bear with me, and I'll have you off to the Paradise of the Martyrs as soon as possible. Now, with that model of vest, it is sometimes possible to –

I'm sorry, Mr al-Ammani, I do realize that this is a stressful moment for you, but I must ask you to remain polite. I do not think that the Prophet, peace be upon him, would want you to use that kind of language to a brother who is trying to help you –

– I'm sorry, but my supervisor is currently directing the destruction of some irreplaceable treasures looted from an ancient archaeological site. Would you like me to escalate you to our second-line support?

Thank you. Please remain on the line while I trans –

Mr al-Ammani? Hello, are you still there? Can you hear me?

Hello?

Thank you for calling ISIS Support. It has been my pleasure to assist you in jihad. If you are still alive and would like to complete a short survey about your call today, please press the '#' key now …

RNC fears Romney, Ryan may run out of lies before November

2012-08-30T00:00:00+00:00

Senior RNC officials are concerned that if Republican nominees Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan continue at their present rate, they may entirely run out of lies well before the election season reaches its peak.

"Don't get me wrong," said one senior party member, "We're always pleased to see our candidates start strong right out of the gate. But there's concern that they may be overdoing it."

The problem is that a quality falsehood isn't something that you can just dream up on the spur of the moment. Both major parties have their own research labs dedicated to creating and fine-tuning untruths for the use of their candidates. The RNC's lab, thanks to generous donations from the Koch Brothers, is widely recognized as one of the best-funded and most creative in the world, with facilities that are described as "high-tech" and "world-class". But RNC insiders fear that the Romney campaign's over-dependence on falsifications may be putting the lab under intolerable strain.

"Frankly, the guys in the lab are hurting," said our source. "Obviously, everyone pulls double shifts around convention time. But I've never seen anything like this before. They're just exhausted trying to keep up. Mitt sent over some specialists from Bain Capital to help out and we just about squeaked through, but it was a damn close thing."

Adding to the concern are reports that other party members may be dipping into stocks reserved for senior leadership. "Look at that Todd Akin rape thing. No one knows where he got that from, and he's not talking. But we've got this safe in the lab that we call 'Deep Crazy', full of real high-class bullshit, real 'I can't believe he just said that' stuff. It's strictly emergency only, but some people are saying that Todd raided it and there's no knowing what else he might have taken. And that's caused a lot of ill-feeling within the party because Michelle [Bachmann] has always thought of that as her private store."

The Republicans, of course, don't have a monopoly on political lies. "Barrack Obama, he's more a shade-the-truth kind of guy," said another RNC member. "Comes from his legal training, I guess. But that's not to say that he doesn't trot out a blatant falsehood from time to time or give an entire speech with his fingers crossed behind his back. Joe Biden? That's a tougher call. Frankly, sometimes I think even he doesn't know what he's saying."

The real concern is that if the Republican nominees continue in the same way, the Democrats may feel obliged to match them lie for lie, leading to an escalating spiral of fabrication. "Paul Ryan will come out and say that Obama's education plans will force preschoolers to have sex with goats. Then the Democrats will hit back and say that Mitt Romney's hair is an alien life form that gets out at night and sucks the blood of senior citizens. OK, that one's actually true, but you get the idea."

Some observers fear that at present rates of consumption, the country's stores of untruths might be exhausted not just locally but nationally. "What happens if we reach October and all the good lies have already been used?" asked one commentator. "The candidates might be reduced to telling the truth and, trust me, no one wants that."

Tough on soda

2012-05-31T00:00:00+00:00

I was just thinking it was going to be another quiet day when the code 30 came in over the radio. Lafferty slapped my shoulder.

"That's just a couple of blocks from here. Let's go!"

I hit the lights and the siren and we took the corner on two wheels. When we got to the bodega, there were already two cruisers on the block, and the uniforms were out and ducked down behind the doors, weapons in hand. I threw open my door and crouch-ran across the street, pulling my Glock from my shoulder holster as I ran.

"What've we got here, patrolman?" I asked as I ducked into cover. The cop turned to me and I recognized him as a rookie called Kowalski. Nice kid. He'd make a good cop some day if the street didn't get him first.

"I'm glad you're here, detective," he said. "It's a bad one. Owner sold a 64oz cola to some woman. A civilian called it in."

"Sixty-four ounces." I whistled. A soda that big could trigger a massive sugar rush. The victim was probably feeling it already. She'd be hopped-up. Energetic. Tingling. Slightly gassy. I'd seen it all before.

Behind me, Lafferty was getting the shotgun out of the trunk. I hoped we wouldn't need it, but I knew how this kind of scene tended to play out. When deli owners went bad, they went down fighting.

"No chance it's diet?" I asked. Kowalski shook his head.

"Guy's a serial offender," put in the other uniform from the far side of the car. "I pulled his rap sheet. He's got priors as long as your arm. You name it, he's sold it. Sprite, Coke, Fanta. Sonofabitch even let some fourteen-year-old kid walk out with a super-size Pepsi."

The door of the deli opened and the buyer rolled out. She was a big woman, squeezed into jeans and T-shirt that looked like she had to be sewn into them every morning. I guessed this wasn't her first sixty-four ouncer. I grabbed the dash mike from Kowalski.

"This is the police," I shouted. "Stay where you are, and keep the beverage where we can see it." Her meaty hand tightened convulsively on the outsize paper cup and the plastic lid popped. A sudden gush of brown liquid poured out like a tidal wave, splashing into the gutter, sweeping everything in its path away. Beside me, Kowalski shuddered at the sight of the deadly torrent. I knew what he was thinking. The stuff was laden with high-fructose corn syrup, coloring, natural and artificial flavorings and God knows what else. Good luck getting the drinks companies to tell you what goes into those things. Give me half an hour alone with some of their executives and I'd soon know what their 'secret formula' was, but even the PD can't fight the kind of lawyers those guys had on retainer.

The big woman started to make a run for it, but her foot came down on an ice-cube and she went full-length on the road. The remainder of her drink sloshed across the sidewalk like a river in flood.

The owner chose that moment to appear in the doorway. At first glance, you could take him for an ordinary Joe. Hispanic, probably Dominican in this neighborhood. I've got no problem with these people. They work hard, raise their kids right. They know me, I know them. But I knew this guy too and I knew he wasn't what he seemed to be. Our eyes met for an instant and I could read it on his face. He knew he'd been busted and that he was going down. I felt no pity. So what if he was selling sugar water instead of crack? He was still a pusher in my book. He had it coming.

There was a sharp crack behind me as the other uniform snapped a shot, followed by the double boom of Lafferty's shotgun. The front window of the bodega blew apart, the detergent bottles leaping and spewing their contents across the storefront. The pusher turned and dived back through the doors but then we were all firing at once, the bullets hurling him back into the dim interior to crash among the tins of cat food and the candy bars.

We moved the body before the investigators got there, dragging it a little closer to the soda machine. Lafferty found a whole stack of giant cups behind the counter, dropped one down by his hand with some crushed ice, to make it look like he'd been getting ready to pour another one when we took him down. I don't like messing with a crime scene, but sometimes you have to paint a better picture. Besides, all the evidence we needed was out there on the street.

I stopped outside to talk to Kowalski. He was a bit shaky, but I could tell he'd be alright. I slapped him on the shoulder.

"Tough day, kid," I said. "First time?"

He nodded.

"Don't let it worry you. That was a righteous kill. The mayor knew what he was doing when he decided to get tough on soda. As far as I'm concerned, you just helped make New York a little safer for everyone."

I lit a cigarette and walked back to the car, taking care not to step in the sticky puddle that stretched like a bloodstain across the dirty sidewalk.

Death of Kim Jong-il renews fears of 'Peak Tyranny'

2011-12-19T00:00:00+00:00

The death of Kim Jong-il has led to renewed fears that the world may have reached Peak Tyranny, the point at which the maximum rate of global despotism has been reached. After that point, oppression enters a phase of terminal decline in which production of new abuses is unlikely to keep pace with the world's demand.

"It's been a bad year for autocrats all round," said a spokesperson for the International Society of Dictators, Despots and Authoritarians. "First you had Ben Ali and Mubarak. Then the death of bin Laden who, while not actually enthroned as a dictator, we always recognized as a strong aspiring candidate. Then the news just got steadily worse. The death of Gadhafi was a major, major blow, and now this. It's hard to imagine the future looking any bleaker."

With many of the world's leading tyrants now out of the picture, there is concern that other leading sources of tyrannical rule might also be close to drying up. "Castro's all but done, Chavez is in poor health, even the Burmese seem to be going soft," the spokesperson added. As major reserves run out, demands for new totalitarianism may have to be met from sources formerly considered uneconomical. Without new technologies to increase the efficiency of extraction, the cost of exploiting these resources may exceed their value.

Others take a more optimistic point of view. "Reports of the death of tyranny are, I believe, greatly exaggerated," said Professor John Smith of the Institute for the Study of Despotism. "I'd like to remind you that China is still a single-party state, and Vladimir Putin seems to be getting ready for a comeback. Half the Gulf is run by flogging-and-chopping monarchs of the old school. We still have Assad, Karimov, Ali Khamenei. And let's not dismiss Kim Jong-un. At this stage, he's an untested resource, but he comes from a great line of batshit-crazy tyrants. Personally, I'm very hopeful."

Critics of the theory of Peak Tyranny also point to the possibility of extracting abuse from novel sources, so-called alternative despotisms. "It used to be that to get real, high-quality autocracy, you needed a strong man, some guy in a general's uniform with a row of medals. That was very much the African and Latin American pattern during much of the twentieth century," Professor Smith said. "Frankly, it's an outdated model. We can do better today."

Alternative sources of despotism can include religiously-inspired movements such as Somalia's Al-Shabab or the perennially-enduring Taliban. "There's no visible leader, but these guys are still doing their part in crushing the human soul and brutalizing a terrified population. I see this kind of diffuse, grassroots network as the wave of the future," said Professor Smith. He also pointed to the increasingly autocratic nature of even traditional democracies like the United States. "The Patriot Act, extraordinary rendition, Guantanamo Bay, NDAA, SOPA … you may say that they're just baby steps, but the trend is definitely in the right direction."

For Professor Smith and others, the whole notion of Peak Tyranny is overblown. "It's a fairy story. It's something that torturers and secret police tell their children to scare them. Tyranny is one of the planet's great renewable resources. We'll never run out."

It’s about the pancreases, stupid

2011-11-09T00:00:00+00:00

EXT - LOS ANGELES - DAY

INJURED HUMAN What ... do ... you ... want? Why ... are you ... doing this?

ALIEN 1 We. Have. Come. For. Your. Water. We. Need. Your. Planet's Water.

(looks sideways at ALIEN 2, who appears to be having difficulty keeping a straight face).

INJURED HUMAN But ... why? There's ... lots of water in space. You could take that.

ALIEN 2 He's right, you know.

ALIEN 1 OK, OK, it's not about the water. We're here for ... what do you call those tasty squishy things you have inside you?

INJURED HUMAN Huh?

ALIEN 2 You know, some little organ. With a funny name –

INJURED HUMAN Livers? Kidneys?

ALIEN 1 No, no ... got it! Pancreases! We're here for your pancreases!

(ALIEN 2 loses it completely, doubles up laughing. ALIEN 1 punches him in the shoulder. INJURED HUMAN looks back and forth between the two of them, bewildered).

ALIEN 1 You dick. He was totally going to buy it.

ALIEN 2 Pancreases ... oh my God ...

(ALIEN2 wipes his eyes - all eight of them - and continues laughing uncontrollably)

INJURED HUMAN But if not ... then ... why?

ALIEN 1 Seriously, dude. We just like blowing stuff up.

(ALIEN 1 slaps INJURED HUMAN good-naturedly)

ALIEN 1 Hey, lighten up, Earthling. If we hadn't trashed your planet, the Zebuloids would have come along sooner or later, and they're real assholes. They don't even enjoy what they do, they just dump nano-bots from orbit and move on. Where's the fun in that? I mean, really.

(the two ALIENS exit together as the INJURED HUMAN falls back, mortally wounded)

ALIEN 2 Pancreases. Brilliant. I can't wait to tell that one to the sergeant.

The Kraken

2011-10-10T00:00:00+00:00

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. My learned colleagues, Dr McMenamin among them, continue to deny the implications of their discoveries. Even in the face of the incontrovertible evidence that they themselves have found, they still babble weakly of 'ancient primitive cephalopods' and 'middens', as their frail minds refuse to acknowledge the truth and take refuge instead in these puerile protective fictions. Ancient, yes, ancient indeed was the creature that placed those bones, arranging them in patterns eerily reminiscent of certain geoglyphs reported by the survivors of the Arkham University Antarctic Expedition, immemorial carvings that are said to have driven more than one observer instantly insane with their blasphemous wrongness. Nor is Dr McMenamin incorrect when he describes the maker of these patterns as 'the most intelligent invertebrate ever', but it would blast his mind with horror to know the full scope of that ravening, inhuman intellect. The Kanakas of the Pacific and certain degenerate islanders from the coast of Newfoundland might set Dr McMenamin straight on that score, but he would hardly think to consult them on the subject.

But I must not be too harsh in my judgments of these well-intentioned scholars. I remind myself that they have not had access to certain sources of information. The name of the horrifying Cthulhu Cult means nothing to them. They have not spoken, as I have, with a detective of Yoknapatawpha County of Mississippi, who saw things in the swamps there that left him weak in mind and body, aged before his time. And neither have they looked into the terrible book known as the Necronomicon, written by the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred. If they had, certain things would become hideously clear to them, as they are to me.

The Glencore Letter

2011-05-27T00:00:00+00:00

The Okapi Factor has obtained a copy of the letter, which we are pleased to be able to reproduce in full here.

From:

Schillings

41 _____ Square

London __ __

Sirs

With the present letter, we wish to advise you of certain factors to be considered in your coverage of our client, Glencore International AG. We would remind you that the principals of Glencore are extremely private individuals, and although some scrutiny of their business activities is to be expected, this should not extend to their personal affairs. In addition, you should consider the potential security risks of disclosing any information about their homes or private lives.

While certain ill-informed speculations are already in the public arena, journalists are cautioned against repeating these claims or seeking for new information that might be seen to discredit Glencore or its officers. Any discussion of, for example, marital infidelity on the part of one of the executive team, or pending fraud charges on the part of two others will not be tolerated and will lead to the severest of legal penalties. In particular, allegations that one of Glencore's executives was involved in illegal insider trading in the Emu Futures market, or the repetition of any rumor concerning a relationship that one member of the board might or might not be having with the wife of a prominent racing driver will not be tolerated.

In a similar vein, journalists are strongly advised not to make any mention of albino Latvian midget nuns, the Great Jello Stampede of 1987, or a reported financial interest that one of the executives might allegedly have in a Namibian table tennis fixing syndicate. Contrary to anything that you may have heard or even verified through unimpeachable photographic evidence, no member of the board has ever met with Pablo Escobar, Viktor Bout, Mistress Delicia Lashwell, Ayman al-Zawahiri or Basement Cat. While there is no truth whatsoever in reports that the chief financial officer of Glencore has an unhealthy predilection for underage marmots, Schillings wishes to notify journalists that any repetition of such rumors, whether or not backed by eyewitness testimony, will constitute grounds for immediate legal action.

Journalists should not under any circumstances attempt to interview Mrs Audrey Pitkins of 234 Maiden Lane, Epping. She has nothing to tell you. Nothing, do you understand? Nothing. So just leave her alone.

No Glencore executive has ever consumed illegal drugs, abused prescription medications, or been treated for substance abuse, much less snorted a mixture of Amazonian yopo and powdered peyote from the naked buttocks of a transgender Somali prostitute on the top of a ferris wheel in Samarkand on three successive nights in May 1992.

That little business in the Seychelles? Don't even go there. Seriously.

DO. NOT. MENTION. THE. GOATS.

On the understanding that this communication will be held in the strictest confidence, I remain, yours faithfully,

12 Days of Wikileaks

2010-12-18T00:00:00+00:00

On the first day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
A cable dump on a CD.

On the second day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the third day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the fourth day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Four takedown orders
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the fifth day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Five poison pills
Four takedown orders
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the sixth day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Six spokesmen spinning
Five poison pills
Four takedown orders
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the seventh day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Seven cops arresting
Six spokesmen spinning
Five poison pills
Four takedown orders
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the eighth day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Eight hackers hacking
Seven cops arresting
Six spokesmen spinning
Five poison pills
Four takedown orders
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the ninth day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Nine Ricks a-rolling
Eight hackers hacking
Seven cops arresting
Six spokesmen spinning
Five poison pills
Four takedown orders
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the tenth day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Ten Spaniards marching
Nine Ricks a-rolling
Eight hackers hacking
Seven cops arresting
Six spokesmen spinning
Five poison pills
Four takedown orders
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the eleventh day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Eleven friends a-bailing
Ten Spaniards marching
Nine Ricks a-rolling
Eight hackers hacking
Seven cops arresting
Six spokesmen spinning
Five poison pills
Four takedown orders
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

On the twelfth day of Wikileaks,
my true love sent to me
Twelve new disclosures
Eleven friends a-bailing
Ten Spaniards marching
Nine Ricks a-rolling
Eight hackers hacking
Seven cops arresting
Six spokesmen spinning
Five poison pills
Four takedown orders
Three death threats
Two angry Swedes
and a cable dump on a CD.

Open-source restaurant

2010-02-24T00:00:00+00:00

"Uh, excuse me … I've been waiting over an hour for my meal."

"Really? What did you order?"

"The lasagna."

"Did you check the project activity before ordering?"

"The project activity? What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, it looks like the lasagna hasn't been updated since 2003. I think it's pretty much dead. There aren't even any recent posts on the lasagna forum. Would you like to order something else?"

"Fine, I'll have the spinach pie."

"Which one?"

"Which one? Why would you have more than one spinach pie?"

"There was a dispute within the spinach pie group and they ended up forking the codebase. There are now two parallel spinach pie projects."

"I see. So which is better?"

"Difficult to say. I like the pastry in one better, but the other tends to have fresher spinach."

"Just pick one. I don't care which."

"OK, fine. I'll be back in a moment with the rolling pin and the knife."

"With the what?"

"You need to roll out the pastry yourself, and chop the spinach. Once you've prepared all the ingredients, you just put them together and I'll take them to the chef and have them baked for you. Really, it's much easier than it sounds."

"Are you telling me I have to make my own meal?"

"No, no. The open-source guys have done almost all the work. They've written out the recipe and collected all the ingredients. You only need to compile and install. If you have all the prerequisite modules, you'll be enjoying a tasty spinach pie in no time at all."

"This is lunacy."

"Not at all. You can't tell me you'd rather go to a regular restaurant, where you have to eat what they give you. Listen, suppose you don't like the way we make the spinach pie. You can just add your own ingredients and make it the way you want. You can even write your changes back into the recipe so that everyone can enjoy it. Lots of our guests like to do that."

"I'm sorry. This sounds like too much work. I think I'll just go somewhere else."

"As you prefer, sir. Just watch out for that cow as you leave - table 7 ordered the steak."

The Pirate Finder General

2009-11-19T00:00:00+00:00

(Sung to the tune of Gilbert & Sullivan's "Modern Major General")

I am the very model of a Pirate Finder General
My remit runs from a to z, from animal to mineral
The government has issued me with pow'rs plenipotentiary
To seize you and to pack you off to any penitentiary.

I'm perfectly remorseless in pursuit of things piratical
I'm always in the office and I never take sabbaticals
You'd be amazed at all the powers that are vested in this entity
To compromise your systems and reveal your identity.

The doctrine of Fair Use I condemn as quite erroneous
And probably harmful if not actively felonious
And though my own position may in time prove quite ephemeral
For now I am the model of a Pirate Finder General.

I'm not above resorting to intrusive tricks and hackery
If I chance to be confronted by a lock to which I lack a key
I recognize no boundaries either moral or international
At times my hate for piracy approaches the irrational.

I interpret legal precedents with admirable latitude
For which my true employers never fail to show their gratitude
I'm a salaried employee of a corp'rate aristocracy
And at times my mere existence makes a nonsense of democracy.

I exist to serve the interests of a privileged minority
By whom I have been granted quite extraordinary authority
My jurisdiction ranges from the local to the federal
In short, I am the model of a Pirate Finder General.

My attitude to human rights is simply reprehensible
I prosecute whole familes for reasons indefensible
I terminate connections be they wired or ethereal
And consider all objections to be strictly immaterial.

Although you may deplore the fact and label it regrettable
I find the rule of law to be entirely forgettable
If it has any virtues, I must confess I've never known 'em
For I've always held that capital's the only summum bonum.

I'm answerable to no one, I enjoy complete autonomy
In my tireless crusade against foes of the Economy
And though my own position may in time prove quite ephemeral
For now I am the model of a Pirate Finder General.

Near miss

2009-11-10T00:00:00+00:00

Shplonghfgl! Did you see that?

See that? Of course I fricking saw it! We nearly hit that big-ass planet broad-on! What I want to know is how come you didn't see it?

Me? I'm driving this thing. I don't have time to keep an eye out for every piddly little terrestrial world. That's supposed to be your job.

Oh, and just because it's less than ten thousand miles in diameter, it's OK that you somehow failed to spot it until we damn nearly piled into it? You want me to make you a bumper sticker that reads 'I brake for gas giants'?

Listen, I don't know where it came from. I just looked up, and there it was.

Where it came from? It's been orbiting in the same place for billions of years. It's on all the fricking maps. What's your problem, haven't you ever driven in a solar system before?

OK, smart guy. What about the time you nearly hit that comet nucleus? I mean, hitting something a hundred yards across in the middle of empty space. That takes some special skill.

Not even slightly similar. I had right of way. Those comet jockeys knew that, they were just being dicks about it because they're cryogenic. 'Oooh, we're made of frozen nitrogen, nothing bothers us.' Well, I'd like to see their faces when they make a close pass round the Sun and start evaporating. We'll see who's laughing then.

Yeah, well, whatever …

LOOK OUT!!!!!!

Whoa! Who put that moon there?

Oh, for stars' sake. Just pull over and let me drive.