okieOLIO + snippets

many questions, one answer

Tue, 21 May 2013 13:48:59 +0000

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“the most destructive tornado in the history of the world.” thousands upon thousands of families displaced. death toll rising. two elementary schools demolished. TWO! heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe it.

as our state cries, prays, pitches in (because that’s what we do), and mourns together, it’s hard not to ask the impossible questions. WHY would God allow this?! HOW is this part of His perfect plan?! WHERE is God when schoolchildren are clinging to each other while the building is torn apart around them?

even after decades of trusting and believing in God, my reflex is to cry out in frustration, sorrow, and anger. because while i can see God in the instinctive, selfless, generous relief efforts of the oklahoma family… it’s hard to reconcile the devastation and grief that destruction of this magnitude brings.

if there’s anything i’ve learned from enduring senseless, life-changing loss, it’s that God is still God, He is still Good, and He is still near. i’ve felt the pain and defeat of losing a battle despite our most earnest prayers, valiant efforts, and steadfast faith. i’ve questioned my convictions and struggled to find purpose in tragedy.

and i unreservedly choose — day by day, through each new trial — to glorify God and seek His divine comfort through the healing and rebuilding. He is close to the brokenhearted, and He’s not leaving.

Filed under: faith, grief & healing

graham at six months – conditioning

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 12:59:06 +0000

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in my sixth month as someone’s mother, i’ve noticed that

motherhood is conditioning.

my intuition is being trained by my need to for sharp senses as i acclimate to being on the job round-the-clock. it’s cool to know that graham’s skills and reflexes are under intense training right now, too.

my entire body is being strengthened by the marathon of picking up and carrying and putting down and bending over and bathing and dressing 17.5 pounds of active human. it’s fun to see my baby’s body gain strength as well.

my character is being toned by the continual surrender to the adventure, the role, the responsibilities, and the story. it’s amazing to watch my son’s character also develop with each learning-packed day.

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graham’s growth has not slowed in the last month – he stretched more than an inch and gained another pound. we also (gratefully) has a night-time sleeping breakthrough this month. i think we (and he) finally figured out that particular puzzle.

while his reflexes and fine-motor skills are advanced for his age, he is still in no hurry to be mobile. the day after he turned five months he rolled over once. he performed the trick once more the next day…and then only a handful of times over the course of the month. the day before he turned six months, he finally decided it could take a permanent place in his physical repertoire. but he is not too interested in any further traveling movements. his doc said that he wouldn’t be surprised if it took him another month or more to sit up unassisted, because of the challenge of balancing his long length.

but one thing never changes: this kid is cute! i love how he smiles and laughs so easily:)

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it’s absolutely cliché, but i can’t believe it’s been half a year. (!!!) how is that even possible? should i continue with the “how time flies” parental lament?

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Filed under: mommyhood

LOL – the grape lady

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 19:24:06 +0000

my sister frequently reminds me that i need to write another “Love Of Laughter” installment, and i agree. this particular story sent me into breathless, crying laughter after it happened, and then again every time i recounted it to someone. so here ya go.

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sometime in the early third trimester of my pregnancy with graham, we had almost completed the nursery and everything was looking good in there…but smelling a little too “new.” (probably only to my sensitive nose. we chose non-toxic, zero VOC everything.) i wanted to give the room plenty of opportunity to air out before bringing our little one into it, so we left the door open and the fan on 24/7.

the only problem with this was the fact that our dogs had been the previous inhabitants of that room, and they were particularly curious about all the changes. while we have now successfully drawn an invisible barrier that they recognize, at the time they kept wandering in and rooting around in stuff. our temporary solution was to place graham’s inherited rocking horse in the doorway. it perfectly blocked the opening at doggie-height, while being low enough that the humans in the house could easily step over it to pass in and out of the room.

a pretty clever solution…that is, until you throw a clumsy forgetful pregnant lady into the mix.

one saturday i was headed into the nursery with an armful of books (what else?), and the pregnancy hormones must’ve fogged up my memory. (so nice to have that excuse, sometimes!) i obviously couldn’t see the obstacle between my burgeoning belly and the load i was carrying, i didn’t remember it was there, so i hit the wooden horse with the full force of a pre-mommy in nesting mode.

my reflexes are usually pretty sharp, but those pesky hormones worked their special magic (again, a valid excuse, right?) and i went down in the most ungraceful slow-motion spill.

when i say slo-mo, i mean that it seemed to take forever before i was finally motionless on the ground. there were several moments of me alternately catching and losing my balance, and i could hear my grunts and gasps narrate the entire thing.

“oh! ugh! gah! oomph! engh! ouch!”

i went on like that for at least five seconds. the fall was long enough that i had time to hear my own gruff exclamations and think to myself, you sound just like the grape lady.

seeing as you can’t hear my cacophony of guttural growling, and may not know of the grape lady, you may not be laughing just yet. but i am. sitting in front of my computer and laughing.

enter my loving husband. hearing the racket of bangs, bumps, and groans, he comes to investigate. seeing his pregnant wife lying in a tangled mess on the floor, the first words out of his mouth are, “did you fall, like, fourteen times in here? what an idiot. you sounded like the grape lady!”

and even though i was bruised and sore, and a bit annoyed that he was not more concerned about me, i couldn’t stop laughing. the fact that he was thinking the exact thing that i was, and that he said it so frankly, was so hysterical that soon my sides were sore, as well, from laughing.

long after he helped me up (finally!) and we went about our day, i found myself stifling giggles remembering how hilarious i sounded. it was just like this (about 15 seconds in):

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Filed under: laughter

the finish line – a sequel

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 13:15:47 +0000

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over the last year or two i’ve surprised myself with an enjoyment of running, even continuing to run up through the final days of pregnancy. after giving birth, waiting six weeks to return to vigorous physical activity was hard. then, when i got the green light, finding time to fit it in was harder. i needed a goal to make sure i didn’t let myself neglect the movement that makes me feel alive and energized.

so last sunday i repeated a feat that was a proud first for me last year, and ran 13.1 miles without stopping. it wasn’t the fairy-tale trip around the lake that i experienced the first time, but i finished!

it seems to be my m.o. to impair my race efforts with poor preparation. last year i set myself up by training too little, working on my feet the entire day before, sleeping only a few hours, and carrying an energy-zapping fetus inside me. since that race went so well (really), i suppose my confidence was a bit inflated, and i shrugged off my lack of conditioning this year. not that i felt invincible, but my body had recently impressed me with its stamina, and i trusted it to get me across the finish line again.

so, having run a total of eight times since giving birth (only one of which was longer than half the distance of the race), and carrying a sleep deficit that had been accruing over five months, i signed up to run the Strides of March Half Marathon a second time. the race was scheduled on my mom‘s birthday again this year (saint patti’s day), and so i set out to honor her with my commitment to finish strong.

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getting out the door at 6:30 am was a bit more challenging with a wee one in tow, and we arrived at the race site with only 25 minutes to race time. which is not really much leeway when you have to feed a baby and go to the bathroom before you hit the starting line. poor graham was so sleepy and bewildered that he took longer to nurse than usual, but he needed to tank up to last a couple of hours without me, and i needed to downsize to comfortably wear my sports bra. (ha!)

the line for the bathroom is always crazy-long before a race, but it’s a must. so we all stood in the queue and lee pinned the number on my shirt while my dad secured the beacon to my shoe and i hopped around squealing about how cold it was. i was wearing a jacket and leggings, but decided against the hat and gloves, assuming i would warm up once i started running, as usual. (the previous day had been shorts weather, after all.)

i finally made it to the front of the port-a-potty line with about twenty seconds to the gun. i took care of business as quickly as possible, burst out the door and ran straight across the starting line. i waved to my three boys as i joined the last stragglers at the back of the crowd of racers. (so much for warming up/stretching.)

it only took two miles of facing the icy forty-degree wind to realize that leaving the hat and gloves was a baaaaad idea. my sleeves weren’t long enough to cover my hands, and my fingers were already painfully numb. i noticed a woman in front of me take her gloves off and clip them to her hip, and lusted after them for a full mile before working up the courage (desperation) to catch up to her and ask if she would like me to carry her gloves for her. thankfully, she generously allowed me to borrow them for the remainder of the race. i’m not sure how i would’ve fared without them.

the first six and a half miles were great. my nose was frozen and my hands were still a little cold, but i felt energetic. dad and lee had driven to the turnaround to cheer me on, and i flashed a smile and thumbs-up as i passed by. i rounded the halfway point at the exact time of my split last year, and headed into the second half thinking i could kick it up a notch and possibly beat my previous finish time.

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around mile 9, i lost all hope of setting a personal best. i was getting tired, and putting one foot in front of the other took more effort with each step. for the first time in my running career, it felt like my legs would fail me before my lungs. it didn’t help that everyone in this race was so fast. last year i passed at least a handful of people; this year it seemed everyone was passing me! (even though i was running around a 9:30 pace!)

by the time i hit mile 11, i reallyreally wanted to quit. my muscles were thoroughly fatigued and moving forward had become like dragging lead through molasses. i was forcing my legs forward with sheer will, praying they would not collapse under me. i tried to motivate myself with thoughts of my mother’s strength and visions of my family waiting for me at the finish line.

i had planned to sprint the last quarter-mile downhill to the end, but even as i saw the flags drawing closer and my cheering section jumping up and down, i wasn’t sure i could make it. i tried to turn on the afterburners, but the result was just me throwing myself toward the finish in the most awkward and laborious “run” that you’ve ever seen.

as soon as i cleared the finishing area, i allowed my legs to buckle and sprawled my weary body flat on the grass. through the stars spinning around my head i could see my family’s feet surround me and heard my sister squeal, “you did it!” yes, i did. and by some miracle i clocked in at 2:06–only two minutes over my previous time!

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my one word for 2013 is grace, and i’ve certainly had to extend it toward myself over and over in the past few months. as the balance of my life continually shifts to accommodate the blessings and challenges that come my way, i know i’ll need an extra measure of grace to navigate the adjustments with aplomb. i hope i can continue to push toward my goals even when i want to quit, while having the grace to accept a less-than-perfect finish.

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Filed under: natural living

graham at five months – perplexing

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 12:33:21 +0000

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graham is still engaging with the world around him more every day and drawing me in as well, but in my fifth month as someone’s mother, i am struck by the realization that

motherhood is perplexing.

continual unseen development inside his little body and mind means that baby behavior is both unpredictable and inexplicable at times. just when we think we have our baby all figured out, something new comes along to confound us.

never-ending decisions with countless options leave us more confused with each choice we have to make on products, practices, and plans. i have a feeling the bewildering and conflicted information overload never stops as a parent.

unrestrained sheer joy displayed by my son at just the sight or sound of his favorite people/toy/song is inspiring even as it is baffling. i can’t help but wonder how life was ever complete without him.

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sometime during the fifth month our baby gained solid neck control, an adorable laugh, better hand coordination, a pound and a half, and another quarter inch in length. he is thisclose to rolling over on his own, but i’m not in any hurry for him to be more mobile. if he wants to just chill awhile longer, that’s fine with me.

i’m so grateful that i get to spend my days with him, and feel fairly fluent in his language of distinct cries, coos, grunts, and whimpers. at least in the daytime. our laid-back baby is an angel while the sun is shining, but has become mysteriously cranky after dark. when he suddenly wakes just an hour after bedtime for some obscure reason and is not easily soothed, lee and i are left scratching our heads. at this stage the fussiness could be any number of invisible issues. (teething? growth spurt?) here’s hoping this particular perplexing aspect of parenting passes quickly.

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another puzzling question is how parents manage to keep enough hard drive space to accommodate all the pictures that demand to be taken. because he just never stops being so darn cute all the time!

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graham also got to spend some good time with family this month. how lucky he is so to get lots of love and cuddles and play from his uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents (and a few friends).

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i predict many milestones in feeding/mobility/sleeping in the next month! not that i’ll ever be able to solve the puzzle that is motherhood.

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Filed under: mommyhood

graham’s birth story part 5 – everything is beautiful…kinda

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 12:28:04 +0000

this is the final segment of our first child‘s birth story. get the all the crazy details here: prefac e, part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4.

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i could hardly believe he was actually here! we enjoyed our first moments as a family, and everything in the world was rainbows and unicorns…mostly. lee was trying to “un-see” the “volcano” of dark bloody fluid that came pouring out after the baby. (“it was like that scene from The Shining.”) and i was suffering the necessary forceful mashing on my belly to encourage the uterus to contract and shrink.

giving birth really is the most miraculous, amazing, thrilling…horror show. nothing can truly prepare you for the clash of carnal and divine. i pray get to do it again.

we spent some intimate time in relative quiet and rest and nursing and cuddling and photos and smiles that threatened to break our faces, then passed him to the nurses to weigh and measure and such.

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our family had been waiting patiently for about an hour since they heard graham’s triumphant exit wail, so we invited everyone in to meet the newest member.

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it was nearly midnight when we finally moved into our room for the night. the adrenaline was long gone and the sleepies were hitting me hard. but i was suddenly famished and found myself digging into the bag of snacks i had assumed i would want during labor. i ate and changed into clean pajamas and brushed my teeth, all while stealing long looks at our little miracle.

kel marveled at how quickly i crossed the room from my bag to the bathroom and back again, but as i bustled about i just assumed the tenderness hadn’t registered yet. i was a little stiff from a day’s worth of strenuous physical activity followed by a couple of hours of sitting still, so i decided to stretch my legs a bit before crashing. as i folded myself in half to touch my toes and leaned into a lunge on the bed, my sister gaped at me like i had no business doing that. she later told me, “it was like the stork delivered the baby!”

my recovery was honestly no big deal. i attribute this to the fact that i didn’t tear at all. which i attribute to my midwife’s skilled assistance and expert coaching on controlled pushing. plus graham taking his time, turtle-ing in and out forever. he gave me a slow stretch and himself a nice long conehead that i’m sure contributed to my fortune. with no injury to heal, it was just a matter of recuperating from the strain on my muscles and the “i’ve been riding a horse for days” pain in my sitz bones. my neck and back were more sore than anything else, and i felt pretty normal after a few days, save for the sleep deprivation.

after everyone left, i was overcome by exhaustion and fell into a coma that was instantaneous and deep. lee was essentially left alone with the baby, and barely slept all night knowing that i would most likely not wake for anything. thankfully, a nurse came back throughout the night to help us take care of graham’s needs, and the next morning i felt refreshed. (after a shower to rinse of the gallons of sweat i produced flushing out all the extra pregnancy fluid.)

the day was a nonstop parade of doctors and nurses and lactation consultants and hearing testers and administrative staff…until they finally let us go home.

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home sweet home

we praise God for our adorable blessing and for his wonderful delivery experience. thank you for joining in my joy and excitement with this story. it’s fun to share life-changing memories. i hear it only gets better from here…–

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Filed under: okieOLIO

graham’s birth story part 4 – let’s try another position

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 12:57:29 +0000

this week i’ve been telling the story of the natural birth of my first child. if you’ve missed the last few days, start with the bizarre preface, then part 1 – the last to know, part 2 – maybe i should’ve tipped him more, and part 3 – a family affair.

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the eager grandparents, aunts, and uncles hovered outside the door

following kelleigh’s advice had definitely made a difference, i could feel it.

kel and dad left to get some dinner and meet up with jared and caris, and my midwife, leanna, came back to check if i was ripe and ready to push. after spending hours dilated to about 6 cm, i was finally at a 10! i zeroed in my focus on the real work of getting this baby out.

as i was gearing up with a few “practice pushes,” the room phone rang. i don’t remember it at all, but lee picked it up and hung up immediately. we found out later that our friends lyndi & wes had called the hospital to check on where we were, and someone had transferred the call to our labor & delivery room! evidently, lee had inadvertently left the line open, and they got to hear a few moments of serious coaching before they figured out what had happened and hung up.

i proceeded to push in every conceivable position for three hours. squatting, sitting, lunging, lying back, hanging on the bar, on all fours…at one point i was trying to gain leverage and power by pulling on a sheet (or towel?) that was anchored only by our sweet, petite nurse on the other end! (who, by the way, was with us the whole day and stayed hours after her shift to be there until graham was born. chelsea, you were awesome!)

leanna was wonderful, as well, and guided me through each set of pushes and positions with soft but assertive instructions. and all the while, the perfectionist in me was seeking constructive feedback. “am I pushing the way you want me to?” i repeated several times, as everyone else laughed at me for even asking as i bounced from position to position and refused to rest through any contractions. i was focused!

after about forty minutes of pushing, the top of his head made an appearance, but he stayed there for another two plus hours. leanna told me later that she thought he was going to come out sunny-side-up by the stubborn way he was resisting my pushing. it turns out he just had his head cocked to one side. but leanna never even hinted that i might not be able to deliver him naturally. one of the many reasons we are thankful that she attended graham’s birth.

so i pushed, and pushed, and pushed. but i didn’t feel tired. i was actually more energized as time went on and i got more efficient at pushing thanks to pointers from my team. both lee and i were grateful to have our doula macy there to support me physically with water and cool rags and bracing so that he could just be with me as emotional, mental, and spiritual support.

leanna must’ve thought i needed some motivation after a couple of hours, because she suggested they bring out the mirror so i could see how much graham was moving forward with each set of pushes (two steps forward, one step back).

now, i already knew the mirror was available to me, but had decided that i didn’t want to look. i could touch his head, i knew he was there. i was trying to protect my mental resolve. i figured i’d be fine managing the discomfort if i could concentrate on the task, but if i saw the process it would look like it hurt, and so i would feel pain. in the end, i couldn’t keep my eyes open and push, anyway. all i saw for a brief moment in the darkened room was the unidentifiable mess of body parts that is childbirth.

i’m glad this was my first experience with labor. with nothing to compare it to, i never got worried that it was taking too long or i was having to try too hard. i was just doing what i had to do, moment by moment. time stood still. leanna commented more than once that he was really making me work for it, but i didn’t think much of it at the time. lee (rightly so) was more concerned about graham, being cramped in the birth canal, than me. he told me later, “you were an animal, i knew you’d be fine. i just wanted him out of there.”

chelsea cheerfully pointed out how my belly was deflating as the baby moved down. all five of us were staring at my abdomen when my son gave me one last swift kick to the gut. we all gasped in surprise, and i savored what i knew was the last time i’d feel the familiar jab of his heel in my ribs from the inside.

by this time lee’s family had arrived and we had a small crowd pacing impatiently in the hall and cheering graham on in his epic exodus. but inside the room, we were oblivious to anything but the crazy ride we were on. the shakes had become uncontrollable, and started affecting my arms as well as my legs. at one point, my right hand shot out and smacked lee hard on the chest. the bewilderment on his face reflected my shock as i apologized with a feeble, “um, I didn’t mean to do that.”

each set of pushes now felt like it should be the last. for at least three surges in a row, i could hear the excitement in the voices of those who could see him emerging, and the stretching i felt around his head had reached the “ring of fire” point. i turned to lee and whispered, “pray!” to which he answered emphatically, “i am.” everything just felt like this is it!

and then it was. i heard leanna say, “okay, mama, reach down and take your baby.” my hands eagerly sought my son as i blindly grasped at his slippery head and shoulders. i prayed that hands much steadier than mine were spotting me as he slid out of my womb and into my arms.

he cried out loud and clear right away – which brought a rush of emotion for me and collective whoop from the eavesdroppers outside the door. (i’m sure their celebrating was joined by a heavenly cheer, as well.)

someone guided him onto my stomach, and we lay there, finally skin-to-skin. bon iver played softly in the background as i gasped over and over, “oh, baby! oh, baby!”

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first minutes of life

kelleigh snuck back in to take graham’s first photos, and i held him close as several sets of skilled hands wiped him down, checked him out, and cleaned me up (no stitches needed!). when the umbilical cord finished pulsing, lee had the honor of separating mama and baby (without passing out!). i put up with a few more contractions until i delivered the placenta and we were left alone for a few minutes (at last!).

and then we were a family of three.

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i’ll wrap up tomorrow with part 5 of graham’s birth story. the final installment offers all the gory glory that follows such a sacred yet corporeal event.

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Filed under: mommyhood

graham’s birth story part 3 – a family affair

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:29:55 +0000

i’m spending a few days recounting the story of my firstborn’s birth. if you need to catch up, start with the preface, then part 1 and part 2. there is some crazy stuff there.

fair warning: this segment is the longest by far and probably the least entertaining for those who are not into labor stories. but some of us are.

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let’s do this!

lee arrived just before our birthing suite was ready, and i changed into my own gown before waddling down the hall (and around the corner and up the elevator and through more doors…why are hospitals built like labyrinths?!) to the labor and delivery wing.

our doula, macy, arrived as we were meeting our nurse and i was getting set up on the monitor. my midwife was busy attending two other laboring moms farther along than me, but she stopped by to say she would be checking back periodically.

after the requisite period of monitoring the baby, i was freed from the cords and dug into my bag for the arsenal of supplies i thought might help get me through the day: multiple hair ties, lip balm, sour candies, a stay-cool neck rag, juices and light snacks, and of course my own pillow.*

lee set up his phone with a portable speaker to set a chill mood with some mellow tunes, and i headed into the bathroom to shave. (because, obviously, smooth legs are a priority on such a momentous day.) i remember being genuinely glad that the pedicure i got for the baby showers still looked good. being distracted by ragged toes when i should be concentrating on the Big Event would just not do.

kelleigh arrived in the early afternoon, bringing with her some last-minute essentials for me, her fancy camera, and the aura of maternal comfort i get only from my sister since we lost mom.

she periodically snapped some photos, as i’d asked her to, but i honestly didn’t notice one discreet shot. i paced the room hanging on to lee (the severe wobbling in my legs during contractions was such a shock to both of us), tried sitting on the birthing ball (which i loved during pregnancy and hated during labor), and relished the oh-so-perfect counter-pressure on my back and hips applied by macy (who had quite a few helpful tricks in her repertoire).

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my dad arrived sometime mid-afternoon, and even though the contractions were coming back-to-back by that point, i wanted to at least see him and tell him i was doing fine.

lee and i had decided that our families could come in and say hello and good luck if they got there early enough, but that when things got more intense it would just be the essential players: the two of us and our doula, and my midwife and her nurse.

my sweet sister, who had experienced childbirth for the first time exactly ten months earlier, had offered to play the role of doula during my labor, but i was worried that our personal relationship might get in the way of her effectively coaching me (by making either of us concerned about displeasing the other).

in the end, both my dad and sister were present until nearly time to push. kel was a huge help to me with her whispered advice and gentle encouragement. my dad sat quietly in the corner sipping coffee, and as weird as it seems to me even now, it felt totally natural. the birthing suite was large and had a seating area and table in the corner, and i was in the bathroom taking advantage of the tub for much of the time, anyway. i certainly felt more comfortable with my dad there, rather than sitting in a waiting room alone and wondering if everything was going well.

sometime in the late afternoon bryan called kel’s phone, and when he realized she was with me, he asked to talk to me. through my concentration on deliberate breathing, i heard her say something to the effect of, “she’s kinda busy.” but after the wave passed i took the phone, anyway. i can’t tell you one word that we said to each other, but i do remember that i was glad to hear my brother’s voice and know he was thinking of us, and not annoyed at all.

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my cervix was not dilating very quickly, and i stayed at a 5 for a long time. i was anxious to try sitting in the bathtub, knowing that being submerged in warm water would take the edge off the discomfort, but we waited until i had progressed far enough that there was less concern of it stalling my labor. when i finally did slide into the warm tub, i really did find it soothing and had an easier time enduring the contractions.

but a still pool cools fast, and since i was continually leaking amniotic fluid (and such), it was soon time to drain and rinse the tub, anyway. i moved back into the main room for the obligatory period of monitoring while someone prepared a fresh tub. (girls, take note: that thing takes forever to fill up!)

when i headed back to the bathtub, the nurse attached the waterproof monitor to my belly and i moved back into my warm little pool of “ahh, thank you” to labor the baby down some more. but this time, the surges were so strong that i could not tolerate lying back and relaxing through them. i much preferred to kneel and lean over the side of the tub.

macy stayed with me while lee stole away to eat the pizza “i” had ordered from the hospital menu. throughout the entire day, she was fantastic at maintaining a low-key mood and talking me through all my questions about what was happening and what to expect.

according to the women in the room who had given and attended births, my contractions were not typical. this was my predictable pattern => huge pressure accompanied by a full-body shudder, followed by a quick wave of nausea and a fire deep in my pelvis.

frankly, the best way i can describe it is pretty gross, but accurate. have you ever been sick and vomited so much that your stomach is still retching but nothing is coming out? for me, each wave felt like my uterus was dry-heaving in the other direction. without any intention from me, my body was doing just what it was designed to do and squeezing the baby down bit by bit. all i could do was breathe (grunt) through it.

i heard myself say more than a few times, “i just didn’t think that this is what it would feel like!” i’d prepared myself for acute pains in my belly muscles, not waves of pressure and shaking and nausea and burning. (the queasiness and burning were seriously worse than the contractions, but i only threw up once.)

and every time a cycle would subside, i was overwhelmed by thirst. it became routine for someone to hand me a cup of water after each wave, even up to the very last push. i was just so thirsty!

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when i got out of the tub the second time, i paced the floor with lee a little, but then settled into a “comfy” spot sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning over the back of a chair. after i had maintained that pose for some time, kel finally worked up the nerve to tell me she thought i’d make more headway if i stood up and moved around. and of course she was right.

i got up reluctantly and went to the bathroom (because every contraction made me feel sure i was gonna make a mess, even though the sensation was coming from my cervix, not my colon.) when i came back out, it was clear that things had kicked up a notch. the pressure was ferocious, but i felt a surge of energy and adrenaline that had me bouncing on my toes and shaking out my limbs as if i was warming up for the big game. which i was.

part 4 of graham’s birth story will be up tomorrow. it gets real.

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*i ended up using it all, but not wanting any of it. the hair ties bugged me more than my hair down, the candy got in the way of my breathing, i preferred cold washcloths to the squeegee towel, and all i wanted to consume was water, water, water.

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Filed under: mommyhood

graham’s birth story part 2 – maybe i should’ve tipped him more

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 12:24:38 +0000

this week i’m sharing the story of my first experience giving birth. if you haven’t already, you’ll probably want to read the preface and part 1 of this story.

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the first half of my ninety-minute drive to the hospital was fairly uneventful. i called my client to tell her i wouldn’t be coming to work that day and ate a breakfast of granola bars, fruit snacks, and crackers from my food stash in the car. the activity in my gut didn’t seem very consistent, so i tried to calculate if i had enough time to go all the way home, get lee and the bags, then come back to the hospital (which would almost double my drive time).

about halfway there, i realized i needed to call lee and tell him to leave work. by the time i hit the metro, my pants were soaked through and i was timing contractions on my phone while fighting downtown rush hour traffic. with waves coming every 4-6 minutes, i was becoming increasingly impatient with the stop-and-go progress and other drivers’ rude oblivion to the fact that i was in labor!

the surges were more uncomfortable than painful, really, and just felt like fierce menstrual cramps. but i was very anxious to be out of that car, and debating when it might be okay to just use the shoulder to get to my exit a mile away. i tried to be patient as we inched forward and finally reached the off-ramp.

i pulled up to the hospital entrance, one hand digging at the quarters in my cupholder for something to tip the valet. i slowly extracted myself from the car, bracing for an oncoming contraction. the attendant was kind enough to wait until i had composed myself to approach me for the key. i was suddenly horrified at the state in which i had left the driver’s seat.

unable to think of anything to say except, “i’m sorry, the seat’s a little damp,” i dabbed futilely at the puddle with a napkin before throwing him an apologetic glance and dashing through the revolving door. (a friend brought my car home from the hospital, but i’m told it was definitely parked by someone who was trying desperately not to touch the seat.)

for some reason, they keep the ob triage buried deep within the maze of halls at the hospital, but getting rapid help with directions was no problem for the pregnant lady with the wet pants. the triage nurse checked me and confirmed that i was dilated to a four and fully effaced – membranes broken, obviously – and so she began the whole process of getting me into a birthing suite.

as i waited, i called lee a few times to tell him things that needed to be added to the hospital bag that had only been half-packed. the poor guy kept begging me to stop adding to the list of To-Dos and To-Brings and just let him get to the hospital already. i guess the nesting instinct dies hard, huh?

by this time my contractions had begun to feel more like an intense pressure deep in my pelvis. i was so surprised that i didn’t feel any pain in my abdomen. i was waiting for sharp pangs to radiate from my back around to my stomach, like i’d heard they would, but all i had was a powerful sensation of something pressing hard on my tailbone. (in short, it felt like a baby trying to get out of my body. .

already, my legs were trembling involuntarily with each wave, and the nurse reassured me it was a good sign that the hormones were flooding in and i was progressing quickly. i was left alone to wait, and for the first time i had nothing to distract me from the full realization that this is happening.*

but even as that reality set in, and up until the point that i delivered my son, i didn’t have an, “eek, the baby is coming!” thrill like i expected to. each moment was simply what i was doing at that time. throughout labor i never felt apprehension or a desire to quit, as i thought i might. what i felt was focus. pure focus on the goal.

look for part 3 of graham’s birth story tomorrow.

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as evidence of the degree of my disbelief up to that point, allow me to submit this shocker: i hadn’t even called my sister!* when lee called her just to say, “i’m on my way to the hospital, see you there!” she had no idea what he was talking about. after all, she had just seen me the previous night when i stopped by on my way out of town. the last thing she said to me was, “just think, in two weeks you won’t be pregnant anymore!” i remember thinking, yeah, that sounds about right.

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Filed under: mommyhood

graham’s birth story part 1 – the last to know

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 12:14:04 +0000

i’m sharing the story of my son’s birth this week. if you missed yesterday’s preface to this story, you might want to read it for the background on my bizarre start to labor.

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the day before graham arrived, ten days before his due date, i decided to drive to my hometown to work one final day with an author there who was thisclose to finishing her book. my hunch was that baby boy was going to hang out in there a few days longer than calculated, anyway, and i wanted to finish up this editing job.

i spent evening visiting my amazing titu and enjoying a late-nite chat with my dad. i finally went to bed around midnight, not even sorry that i would be probably be tired at work the next day.

i woke at 3:00 am with a full bladder, cursing myself for forgetting to set my pee alarm. my bladder was bulging, again, but this was the first time that i could not urinate no matter how i positioned or pressed. i was freaking out, running through worst-case scenarios in my head as i did acrobatics around the bedroom, trying desperately to make the baby move.

after practicing every prenatal yoga inversion i could remember and pleading out loud with graham to please move, i was finally successful. relieved (in more ways than one), i went back to bed about 4:00 am hoping to at least doze in an upright position for a few hours.

but every time i shifted a bit, i felt a little gush down there. my thoughts immediately associated this with my crazy condition and the previous scary incident. great, i broke my bladder. now i’m peeing myself.

and then i realized that every time i felt a little leak, i also felt a little crampy. hmmmm, were the gushes and cramps coinciding to my movements or coming periodically? i gave up on sleeping and got up to evaluate.

after about half an hour of occasional cramping and padding my underwear with tissues to determine if it smelled like urine (pregnancy is so glamorous), i texted our doula an “is this anything?” message, not wanting to alert too many people if i was just gassy and incontinent. i didn’t know.

when a response didn’t come quickly, i decided to called my midwife. she recommended that i at least come to the hospital and get checked out. she knew. when she said to bring my bags just in case, i didn’t tell her i was actually an hour and a half away.

i delayed calling lee until around 5:30, when i knew his alarm would be going off, anyway. still not sure i was experiencing the real thing, i told him to go on in to work and just be on standby. he knew. when he seemed shocked that i hadn’t yet woken my dad, i didn’t tell him i was thinking about going to work for an hour or two before heading back.

uncertainty played around in my mind as i gathered my things. everyone says you’ll know a real contraction when you feel one, right? if my water had broken, wouldn’t contractions be more intense? this has to be a symptom of my weird bladder issue. but the gushiness and crampiness continued, so i put on a huge pad (that i’m sure had been in the bathroom drawer for at least a decade) and prepared to head back to okc.

my early-bird dad was already awake when i went downstairs. (little did i know, he had been up for awhile wondering about all the movement he heard upstairs.) i told him about my change in plans, assuring him it was probably a false alarm. he knew. when he told me to let him know what they said at the hospital, i didn’t tell him that i was thinking about just heading home and waiting it out there.

even as i pulled onto the highway,* i still wasn’t convinced i was in labor. that would soon change.

check back tomorrow for part 2 of graham’s birth story. it gets better.

–

*i’m still surprised that my dad let me leave and didn’t insist on driving me himself. way to play it cool, dad.

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Filed under: mommyhood

graham’s birth story – the bizarre preface

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 21:52:55 +0000

i had no idea this would be my last baby-belly photo (38 weeks)

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when i imagined what childbirth would be like, i suppose my vision was pretty cliché. i figured i’d spend the last few days before my due date wondering if that would be The Day. when the time came, i thought i’d labor at home for awhile, while lee timed contractions and we excitedly asked each other “is it time to go yet?” i hoped i’d have the bags all packed and waiting by the door, and we’d strategize which route to take based on the traffic that time of day. maybe i’d even get a dramatic water-breaking moment like they do on tv. buuuuut life is unpredictable, right?

let me take a moment here to say that my pregnancy was a breeze. my biggest complaint was not being allowed to sleep on my back or stomach, and i felt pretty normal even through the third trimester. let that be an encouragement to all the pre-preg girls out there who, like me, have read the loooooong list of horrible symptoms of pregnancy and assumed it would be nine months of misery. while it’s true that most women endure at least a handful of chronic discomforts and strange or gross indications of pregnancy, it doesn’t have to be miserable.

however, in the last two weeks of my pregnancy, things got weird.

my long baby had grown to the point that he seriously crowded my bladder (normal). but when i would lie down at night, he would shift so that he shoved my bladder to the side (not normal). i would wake up with two bumps rather than one – one for the baby and one for my distended bladder! (when i showed the gruesome photo to my very experienced midwife, she actually pulled the Seinfeld-esque, “um, i’ve never seen that before,” and hurried out of the room to consult a specialist.)

it was such tight quarters in there that graham’s little head actually pinched the urethra closed when he was in this nighttime position. this made it impossible empty my bladder in the morning without manually pressing on it from the outside to force the fluids out. kinda funny, kinda scary, really annoying.

the specialist was concerned enough for the long-term health of my bladder and urinary tract that he had me setting an alarm for every two hours at night to get up and pee, and measuring my output to make sure i wasn’t getting overfull. how unfair is it that all that extra pregnancy fluid is processed more quickly while you’re sleeping?

when the oddity persisted, i resorted to “sleeping” sitting up and leaning over a tower of pillows to prevent the baby from wedging himself in the corner of my belly (i was paranoid that reclining would give me a posterior baby.) i guess that’s what karma gave me for having a breezy pregnancy, right?

i know we’re bordering on TMI, now, but all these gory details are necessary to set up why i spent more than four hours in early active labor before i realized it.

stay tuned for part 1 of graham’s birth story tomorrow morning…it’s a good’un.

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Filed under: mommyhood

graham at four months – engaging

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 12:03:33 +0000

–

four months into my experience as someone’s mother, i am still invigorated by getting to know my son more every day, but now i can see that

motherhood is engaging.

i’m drawn into each new day with a transformed sense of purpose, as if i’m finally flexing all my muscles. i wake with an energy that has nothing to do with how much sleep i’ve had.

i connect more with other mothers now that i can relate to the endless source of conversational topics. i can see, now, why moms never seem to tire of comparing notes and swapping advice and stories.

i’m absorbed in a dialogue of coos and sighs when my son interacts with me as i talk to him. my whole world stops and my complete attention is gripped by his audible response to me.

–

graham has really started “talking” and responds to us with breathy “hoos” and “ahhs.” i love this preview of his sweet little voice. i would feel rather special when he talks to me if he didn’t also find the toys hanging above his play mat equally good conversationalists.

sometime over the last month he opened up his fists and started using his hands. when he sits propped up and clasps them together he looks so grown up to me. and he is growing up – or he’s growing long, at least. he is now officially half of my height (26.25 vs 52.5 inches) and he fully fills out the length of his six-month clothes.

and now for your monthly dose of grainy phone photos.

where do they put the “pause” button on babies?

…

Filed under: mommyhood

one word 2013 – GRACE

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 13:16:58 +0000

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~ even though i’ve been (striving to) practice my 2013 oneword for a month, now, i’m sharing it here a bit late. better late than never, right? ~

i really enjoyed choosing one word to sum up my goals for 2012, so this year i’m joining the one word 365 community again in focusing on a single word for 2013 that “becomes the filter through which you see and live your life. It steers your decisions and guides your steps…a word that can be a reminder, a nudge. A word that you can reflect on, that will challenge you, that will inspire you…”

again this year, it seemed as if my word chose me, rather than the other way around. it’s been on the tip of my tongue for the past few months, as each new day as a rookie mom takes me on a wandering route that was not necessarily the one i mapped out.

my one word for 2013 is GRACE.

at first i was hesitant to settle on the word that, when referring to the unmerited favor of God, has such a divine and eternal significance. but, ultimately, it is the word that best describes the way i need to view and live my life this year.

GRACE is compassionate, GRACE is giving, GRACE pardons missteps without condoning complacency. i want to be forgiving of imperfection while still fostering growth – in myself and others.

GRACE is balanced, GRACE is nimble, GRACE handles tricky situations with finesse. i want to be light on my feet so that i can adapt to what will surely be a year of rapid changes and unexpected detours.

i believe approaching my life with GRACE will benefit my relationships, my personal ambitions, my professional goals, and my spiritual growth.

my hope is that keeping this focus will help me live my life with elegance and poise, even as i stumble through my first year of motherhood. 2012 is the year i cultivate the mom inside me – the type of mom worthy of the legacy left to me. flexible. generous. kind. GRACEFUL.

“Grace is the empowering Presence of God enabling you to be who He created you to be, and to do what He has called you to do.” ~ James Ryle

image via promisedgrace.com

Filed under: okieOLIO

3 missing breastfeeding warning labels

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 19:45:30 +0000

every nursing mama knows that breastfeeding can be an exhausting, wonderful, frustrating, rewarding, confusing, tender journey. most women welcome experienced advice and encouragement in the beginning, which is why lactation consultants have full-time careers mentoring breastfeeding mothers, and volumes have been written on latching, milk supply, positioning, “let down,” pumping, and every other aspect of this amazing gift.

however, i’ve found that there are a few cautionary tips missing from the standard literature on breastfeeding, and i feel it is my duty to pass along this information.

–

what the experts say: breastfeeding can be a sweet time of bonding between mother and baby.

what they forgot to mention: don’t try to connect with your infant by talking to him while he is feeding, as he may decide to stop drinking and smile at you while the milk is still flowing, drenching you both.

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what the experts say: nursing mothers need to consume extra calories to produce milk for the baby.

what they forgot to mention: refrain from snacking while nursing. crumbs falling on your baby’s head may cause him to jerk his face upward while still latched, and this is to be avoided at all costs.

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what the experts say: with practice, baby’s latch will become more effective and comfortable.

what they forgot to mention: even professional athletes miss the target sometimes. if something should go awry on the approach and your baby’s latch lands an inch or two off-mark, try to keep your screaming at a volume that won’t damage the baby’s hearing.

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maybe these advisories can make it into the next edition of The Breastfeeding Book and help other new mothers out there.

Filed under: family, laughter

graham at three months – invigorating

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 12:37:02 +0000

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being a parent will probably always be exhausting in many ways, but in the third month as someone’s mother, i also find that

motherhood is invigorating.

my body is energized by a rush of endorphins every time i’m captivated by his delightful grin. it doesn’t hurt my ego, either, that he smiles in recognition of me, now.

my mood is lifted by small successes and steady progress in parenting. it’s amazing what proficiency in bathtime and baby cries can do for the spirit.

my imagination is excited by thoughts and prayers about who this baby boy will grow to be. his personality is showing stronger all the time, and i’m eager to see him exhibit his individuality more and more.

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we’re still taking loads of grainy phone pics, because while i try to keep the schmancy camera handy, it’s not always within arm’s reach like the phone. at least now i try to follow up with high-quality shots if the moment doesn’t pass too quickly. i still love to snap photos of his angelic face when he sleeps, but now there are more action shots as he interacts with the world around him more.

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although we may be stuck with gritty photos in all poorly-lit settings for a while, because using the flash either makes him cringe like a vampire in the sun…

or go bug-eyed as if someone got a little aggressive with the diaper cream.

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month three is my favorite so far.

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Filed under: family

12-12-12 12:12 this is my life

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 18:12:46 +0000

12-12-12 12:12
this is my life

graham at two months – exhausting

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 15:30:18 +0000

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being a mom continues to surprise me in big and small ways, but after two months as someone’s mother, i can also confirm that

motherhood is exhausting.

it’s physically tiring, of course, to devote so much energy to meeting another human’s every need. add to that sleep deprivation and the stress of a learning to nurse comfortably and…i don’t think this is new information, here.

it’s mentally demanding to read, learn, talk, think (and worry) about all the things that could potentially harm my baby or his growth if i am not vigilant to protect against them or promote the proper development. i only thought the info-overload during pregnancy was overwhelming!

it’s emotionally draining to love someone this much. i feel like my heart is being stretched every day.

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when i feel sluggish, i usually turn to movement to get myself energized again, so the fact that running was off limits for awhile was very disappointing. i spent six weeks waiting and sighing and tapping my toes and checking the calendar, anxious to get to that six-week mark so i could be cleared by midwife to run again. my body was itching to get moving, and just walking was not doing it for me.

THEN, six weeks rolls around, bringing with it a completely different baby, and all of a sudden my energy is zapped by sleepless nights and rocking and shushing and singing and standing on my head or whatever-works-to-make-the-crying-stop. thankfully, this fussy stage seems to be fading, validating the dreaded 6-8 week period that has been every bit as trying as we were warned it could be.

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in general, graham’s days are pretty cushy. he gets to go back to bed after breakfast, take a scenic ride around the neighborhood in the afternoon, and snuggle with dad every evening.

the weather has been so unusually nice that we’ve been savoring leisurely daily strolls for weeks. i keep waiting for winter to arrive and break up the party, only to enjoy an encore of sunny 70-degree temps. i’m truly grateful for the chance to get outside and let the fresh air clear some of the fog from around my tired brain.

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thanksgiving gatherings this month brought the opportunity to finally introduce graham to some very important people, and he spent the week being cuddled by family in three different cities.

when you’re only 2 months old, you have a lot of “first” experiences. for graham, this month included his first bedlam game, during which he might have encountered his first curse words.

as you can see, he didn’t get to choose his allegiance. we’ll see who he roots for as he grows, but either way, he’s been born into a house divided.

Filed under: family

Graham’s first Christmas party! @thesperoproject (at The...

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 01:31:12 +0000

Graham’s first Christmas party! @thesperoproject (at The Spero Project)

tried to snap a pic of a cute hound enjoying the breezy eve...

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 00:39:44 +0000

tried to snap a pic of a cute hound enjoying the breezy eve & instead captured the image of a mutant dog shooting me with a laserbeam gaze.

so happy to have a few more days of sunny 70 degree weather....

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 20:51:04 +0000

so happy to have a few more days of sunny 70 degree weather. i’m gonna miss my daily walks with graham when it gets cold for good.

okieOLIO + snippets

many questions, one answer

graham at six months – conditioning

LOL – the grape lady

my sister frequently reminds me that i need to write another “Love Of Laughter” installment, and i agree. this particular story sent me into breathless, crying laughter after it happened, and then again every time i recounted it to someone. so here ya go.

the finish line – a sequel

graham at five months – perplexing

graham’s birth story part 5 – everything is beautiful…kinda

this is the final segment of our first child‘s birth story. get the all the crazy details here: preface, part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4.

graham’s birth story part 4 – let’s try another position

this week i’ve been telling the story of the natural birth of my first child. if you’ve missed the last few days, start with the bizarre preface, then part 1 – the last to know, part 2 – maybe i should’ve tipped him more, and part 3 – a family affair.

graham’s birth story part 3 – a family affair

i’m spending a few days recounting the story of my firstborn’s birth. if you need to catch up, start with the preface, then part 1 and part 2. there is some crazy stuff there.

fair warning: this segment is the longest by far and probably the least entertaining for those who are not into labor stories. but some of us are.

*i ended up using it all, but not wanting any of it. the hair ties bugged me more than my hair down, the candy got in the way of my breathing, i preferred cold washcloths to the squeegee towel, and all i wanted to consume was water, water, water.

graham’s birth story part 2 – maybe i should’ve tipped him more

this week i’m sharing the story of my first experience giving birth. if you haven’t already, you’ll probably want to read the preface and part 1 of this story.

graham’s birth story part 1 – the last to know

i’m sharing the story of my son’s birth this week. if you missed yesterday’s preface to this story, you might want to read it for the background on my bizarre start to labor.

*i’m still surprised that my dad let me leave and didn’t insist on driving me himself. way to play it cool, dad.

graham’s birth story – the bizarre preface

graham at four months – engaging

one word 2013 – GRACE

~ even though i’ve been (striving to) practice my 2013 oneword for a month, now, i’m sharing it here a bit late. better late than never, right? ~

image via promisedgrace.com

3 missing breastfeeding warning labels

graham at three months – invigorating

12-12-12 12:12 this is my life

graham at two months – exhausting

Graham’s first Christmas party! @thesperoproject (at The...

tried to snap a pic of a cute hound enjoying the breezy eve...

so happy to have a few more days of sunny 70 degree weather....

this is the final segment of our first child‘s birth story. get the all the crazy details here: prefac e, part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4.