Oleoptene

Sometimes loneliness

Mara Collins — Sun, 19 May 2013 16:40:30 +0000

attaches itself to people like a contagion, it repels, it stands like a lighthouse, dangerous rocks here, stay away, stay away. So why do I find the loneliness of Dr Who so appealing?

Confronting Fears

Mara Collins — Sat, 18 May 2013 20:20:04 +0000

You know when you’re at the aquarium with your kid, admiring the peace underwater scene, and then all of the sudden an eel pops out of a dark crevice? That doesn’t scare me half so much as thinking I’m doing okay with someone I car about and all of the sudden some resentment that had been lurking pops out. And it’s this thing where I have always wanted not to be better, not making the same mistake twice, but to perfect, so that no one could resent me ever. Like, not even the kind of perfect that people resent, but lovably perfect. So I get to ask myself today, what if someone resents something I have done, something I continue to do, something I might not know I was doing, something that I might not have control over? What if?

Thinking about…

Mara Collins — Fri, 17 May 2013 20:19:05 +0000

what does it mean to be a grown ass woman?

Not an exclusive dichotomy:

Mara Collins — Thu, 16 May 2013 16:19:32 +0000

Is real life the everyday, routine stuff, punctuated by Events, or is it the big days on which your memory hangs, in retrospect, while the filler of teethbrushing and bed-making recedes?

What is the opposite of remembering?

Mara Collins — Wed, 15 May 2013 17:16:36 +0000

A character in a book I was reading last night “disremembered” something. Which feels distinct from misremembering or forgetting. How much more I like the words olvido, oublie. Obliviate? Too much like bloviate? Anyway: dwelling this morning on memory’s various forms of failure.

Sometimes all I want to be asked…

Mara Collins — Tue, 14 May 2013 23:22:48 +0000

how are you? are you happy?

Begging the Question

Mara Collins — Mon, 13 May 2013 23:03:41 +0000

Were it that, in fact, the source of misery is often preoccupation with the self, and further that forgetfulness of self is a way to be happy, is forgetfulness of self in that class of pesky things which can be achieved only by willingness, never by willfulness?

Related question: how may I be of service?

If one is going to…

Mara Collins — Sat, 11 May 2013 17:01:17 +0000

go to the trouble of learning how to ride a horse, oughtn’t one learn properly, on the steppes of Mongolia?

Can You Tell Me How to Get to Sesame Street?

Mara Collins — Fri, 10 May 2013 18:18:55 +0000

Just kidding, that’s not a real question. I don’t think. Blessedly woke up this morning with my main preoccupation being not how very far I am from being able to do all I would like to be able to do on the violin, but how to do better the passage I started working on this week. It’s glorious to have a passage that is fresh so I can hear how I am actually playing it instead of my habit of what I think it sounds like, to get to go into it deciding where in the bow, which fingering, what dynamic level, what ringing tones to listen for to get in tune, and I am trying as hard as I can to practice slowly.

So maybe today’s question is how can I make that a habit, get back to this mode, this perspective? How does one switch appropriately between perspectives, long term goals and the short term work, the how to do it and the why we do it?

One other question that is in the background, thinking about current events and interacting with different people with pronouncedly different levels of comfort around privacy and boundaries, is is it possible my resistance to to much privacy and isolation is the deep knowledge that that is where abuse happens? And even in a not-even-remotely-abusive relationship, I still am mistrustful of insistence on privacy, and want to teach my children to be wary their whole lives of anyone, friend or authority figure, who insists on secrets? I spent my thirties moving towards being much more open and direct about many things, and trying to still be respectful of other people’s needs for privacy and boundaries, to also cultivate discretion, and sometimes it is terribly confusing territory.

Fundamental Question

Mara Collins — Thu, 09 May 2013 15:29:55 +0000

Why are some people luckier than others?