Omniphobic

Vote Republican!

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 16:25:00 +0000

This is Roy Zimmerman. He reminds me a lot of Tom Lehrer.

Amen, brother!

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 21:51:00 +0000

If the 9-11 terrorists are representative of Islam then the Westboro Baptist Church is representative of all Christianity. Best analogy ever.

Penn Jillette

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 21:39:00 +0000

I've always liked Penn & Teller as comedians and hosts of their show Bullshit! but this is the first time I've ever seen Penn Jillette in a 1:1 interview like this. Wow.

Shuttle Scenarios

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 12:22:00 +0000

Totally Lost

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Wed, 26 May 2010 12:59:00 +0000

Bible Quiz

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Sun, 02 May 2010 15:19:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 15:20:00 +0000

To Boldly Go...

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 23:02:00 +0000

Can't Touch This

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 00:25:00 +0000

Just post something. How about this?

Someone had to say it...

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:39:00 +0000

Pat and Rush: The real Axis of Evil

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 15:07:00 +0000

Skhizein

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 00:02:00 +0000

After a direct hit by a 150-ton meteorite, Henry must learn to adapt to his new life of 91 CM displacement.

The Truth About Republicans

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:41:00 +0000

Classic Carlin, but not much has changed.

noreply@blogger.com (Doodface) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:37:00 +0000

General asshats
Circle I Limbo

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

The Pope
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

George Bush
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Creationists
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Scientologists
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Jerry Falwell
Circle VII Burning Sands

Bernie Madoff
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Osama bin Laden
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

I hate Republicans

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 12:01:00 +0000

Like most of the hard line right-winged Republicans, these 30 senators are not interested in the truth or in helping their country. The only language they speak is greed. They are slimy and loathsome shitheads akin to something you'd want to scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

Oh, and an extra special "fuck you" to Saxby Chambliss. Rot in hell.

Update: The Republicans for Rape site is now online. Click here.

Acrophobics Annonymous Winter Camp

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:42:00 +0000

Holy shit!

Gamma Rays and Cosmic Russian Roulette

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 17:11:00 +0000

Electromagnetic radiation is a physical phenomenon in our universe that all of us interact with on a daily basis. The electromagnetic spectrum categorizes this radiation based on frequency. The visible light that you perceive with your eyes is only a tiny range of frequencies in this spectrum. Frequencies below visible light include infra red, microwaves, and radio/TV signals. Frequencies above visible light include ultra violet, x-rays, and gamma rays.

We know from our own experiences in the modern world that visible light is generally harmless. We evolved in a world bathed in visible light coming from our sun so it’s only natural that our eyes are specialized to respond to those frequencies. We know that infra red is mostly associated with heat. We’ve seen infra red camera footage and know that the heat lamps that keep the fries warm at the fast food place are just specialized light bulbs that radiate most of their energy at infra red wave lengths. Microwave ovens became ubiquitous in the 1980’s and work by pumping electromagnetic energy into food at a specific frequency that makes the water molecules vibrate and heat up. Below microwaves, radio and TV signals radiate from the tops of mountains and man-made towers to bring audio and video into our homes and vehicles. CB radios, baby monitors, Wi-Fi internet, Bluetooth headsets, and mobile phones all do their things down here.

Above visible light, ultra violet frequencies give us sunburn and, if we’re not careful, skin cancer. Light bulbs tuned for ultra violet (aka black lights) are used to sterilize water, instantly dry inks in printing processes, make your hippie posters fluoresce, and make the bowling pins glow during midnight madness. At even higher energies, x-rays pass through objects and allow us to see inside the human body and airport luggage. Excessive amounts of x-ray radiation can cause cancers in animals but can also be tightly focused to destroy tumors. Stars and nebulae often emit x-rays and because of their energy and their ability to pass through matter unimpeded, astronomers often use these frequencies in their research to see farther and in more detail than visible light allows.

Gamma rays are generally thought of as having higher energies than x-rays but the two classifications actually overlap quite a bit. Gamma rays have medical uses similar to x-rays and are employed in sterilization procedures similar to ultra violet. In astronomy, flashes of gamma rays from deep space were first detected accidentally in the 1960’s by cold war satellites monitoring nuclear weapon tests. These flashes were later dubbed “Gamma Ray Bursts” and seemed to originate from the explosions of dying stars.

Gamma Ray Bursts caused considerable controversy amongst astronomers and astrophysicists when they were first identified because they were simply too powerful to exist according to known physical laws. The problem was straightforward. An explosion in space radiates matter and energy in all directions more or less equally. If you detect a gamma ray burst, measure its intensity, and then swing your visible light telescopes around to the same coordinates, you typically (although not always) see the remnants of a novae -- a star that has exploded at the end of its death throes. You can then use various tricks to calculate the distance to that novae and, along with the gamma ray intensity that you measured, determine how powerful the initial explosion had to be based on how much of that energy managed to reach you. All of the gamma ray bursts were determined to be outside of our own galaxy, billions of light years away, and therefore the energy from a symmetrical explosion would have to be the equivalent of all of the energy released by a sun like ours over its entire lifetime based on the level of energy that still managed to reach us from so far away.

Observations later revealed that these calculations were based on a false premise. The gamma ray bursts were NOT symmetrical and in fact were focused into two opposing beams spreading out between 2 and 20 degrees.

If you were observing from a vantage point that was not directly within this focused beam of gamma rays, you may only see a brief flash of visible light or perhaps nothing at all. Effectively these types of novae and super novae explosions producing gamma ray bursts are happening all of the time in our observable universe but we only see them if we happen to be looking ‘down the barrel’ of the gamma ray ‘gun’. Even so, they are not of much concern to us because on average these types of explosions only happen in each galaxy every 100,000 to 1,000,000 years.

Then there’s this thing:

WR104 is a massive star in the constellation of Sagittarius and is in its death throes, ejecting massive amounts of plasma and debris as it tries to balance its crushing mass with its internal fusion processes. It has an O-type binary companion star, and the interactions of their gravity fields produce the swirling pattern that you see in the image above.

Which is eerily reminiscent of the image below:

Yep, you guess it. We’re looking right down the gun barrel of a potential gamma ray burst event. The problem is that WR104 isn’t billions of light years away safely doing its thing in another galaxy. WR104 is only 8000 light years away, well within our own galaxy, and it could go pop at pretty much any time.

Perhaps it already has.

Maybe it went pop 7997 years ago and a high-energy gamma ray bullet traveling in excess of 99.995% the speed of light is well on its way to an encounter with Earth where it will dissolve our atmosphere and boil away our oceans in seconds -- just in time for the end of the Mayan calendar and the swearing in of Sarah Palin.

It’s like a game of Russian roulette on a cosmic scale. The earth is moving around the sun and the sun is orbiting around in the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy. WR104 is closer in towards the galactic center than we are, orbiting at a different speed, and the dance that it does with its companion star twirls the pair and their potential gamma ray rifle barrel around like some kind of drunken marksman. The observations all point to WR104 going out with a bang instead of a whimper. All that remains to be seen is in what direction the barrel will be pointing on the day the trigger is pulled.

Scientists also suspect that this kind of ultimate laser tag game might have influenced life on our planet in the distant past. Much has been said about asteroid and comet impacts and the nuclear winter-type aftereffects that could result. At least one of the ‘Big Five’ mass extinctions, the Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction event 65 million years ago which ended the reign of the dinosaurs, is thought to be the result of such an impact. However, evidence suggests that the Ordovician–Silurian extinction event, 444 million years ago, may have been the result of a gamma ray burst originating within our galaxy.

I suppose the ultra paranoid amongst us could invest in some of that SPF 2,000,000 sun block and some lead undies and try to ride it out. Good luck with that.

Aquatic Apes

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 15:20:00 +0000

I am an arrogant prick!

noreply@blogger.com (Doodface) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 13:28:00 +0000

The people that know me well just read that title and thought "yeah, that pretty much sums it up!"

I know I have character flaws.. I am arrogant, I can be pretty fucking harsh, I have an elitist attitude sometimes. I realize I have these issues, and I REALLY am trying to work on them. I don't WANT to offend people, or hurt their feelings, or make them feel like a lesser human being when I am around. I really don't.

One of the causes of these issues is that I have above-average intelligence. On top of that, everyone I work with (well, almost everyone) has genius IQs as well. Now this is no accomplishment of mine, I did not work to become more intelligent. In fact, being more intelligent made me lazy in school.

But due to the fact that I have a genius IQ, and everyone that I work with does as well, I am used to higher level of understanding. I can have some serious conversation about some deep subjects, and no one ever has to go "wait, what the hell did you just say?".

So, when I am talking to people that are average or below average intelligence, it is sometimes VERY hard for me to get points across. In my younger years, that would mean ultimate frustration followed by an insult of some kind. I know - asshole. I really do try these days to explain things, and in a helpful way - not condescending.

Well the other night, I had religious debate with a very close friend of mine. I completely fell of off the "be nice" bandwagon. At first, I really tried to stay civil, and not insult him. But after about 2 hours of hearing the most ridiculous analogies, and arguments of magic and faith, I could contain myself no more. I turned right back to my judgmental prickish ways. I mocked his analogies, I called his arguments ridiculous, etc. At the end of the night, all it did was make 2 friends angry at each other. I felt bad about it for days.

Another point of arrogance in my life has been jobs and money. I got into the technical world at a pretty young age. I was making more than most of my friends, and somehow thought this made me "Better" than them. I stopped hanging out with my old friends that were still working at fast food or stereo shops. I looked down on blue-collar people. Well the joke is on me. While I have stayed at the same job, and made the same thing for the past 10 years, these "blue collar" people have slowly passed me in wages. They have either been promoted or moved in to sales jobs. Here I am with my same title, and same pay, and no chance of moving up. NOW who is looking down on who?

Technical departments look down on the sales people - I think that's the same at every company. The techs think that because they can fix computers, they are better. I have always felt that way. I don't even like computers.. I don't like troubleshooting them, and when I get off work, computers are not my hobby. BUT - because I could do the work, I have.

Lately, my wife and I have been putting a lot focus on getting out of debt. So, in the afternoons, I have started to sell roofs for a local roofing company. Come to find out, I AM a salesman! All these years thinking I was "Better" than that, and here I am LOVING it! Plus, if I focused all of my attention on that job, I could easily double my "elite" technical job's pay.

As much as I feel like I have learned lessons lately about what an arrogant prick I have been, it is hard to shake a lot of those habits. The other day, I was in my roofing shirt, and was going to pick up my daughter from daycare. I immediately had a feeling of shame about it. Like they were going to judge me for being a lowly roofer. *sigh*

The first step to becoming a better person is to realize your flaws. I have a lot of them. I HOPE that I have identified my major character flaws, and I really am trying to fix them.

So for the people reading this that are close to me: If you notice me displaying these assholish traits, PLEASE don't hesitate to point it out to me!

What up, E?!?!

noreply@blogger.com (Doodface) — Thu, 14 May 2009 17:32:00 +0000

So you say Omni's back, huh? Well I don't see SHIT from you!

I think it works like this - you come out of retirement with some weak ass shit about child abuse. Yeah I chuckled - but that's all bitch, a CHUCKLE. No mu' fucking laughing! YOUR SHIT'S WEAK!

Then me and my crew, we drops some mad words on dat ass.. Freaked your shit out with The empty cocoon, then came right back with some straight-up politicianal shit! That's right, no matter what you got, we destroys it.

"Oh, I got a boo boo kid!!! I don't have time!!"

Bullshit! You got called out in the skreet, and can't handle the heat. Oh, and me and the crew will take you on in a dance OR drum comptetion any time bitch. Anything you do, we'll do better.

I need you to write something soon - we're almost out of toilet paper!

Your move bitch.

What the hell do I know?

noreply@blogger.com (Doodface) — Wed, 06 May 2009 12:44:00 +0000

I may be naive, uninformed or just plain stupid, but it seems to me that there are certain things in this country that need to be done. Don't get me wrong, I think that Obama is doing a great job moving us in the right direction. I just think that there are some real obvious problems that just do not get addressed - ever.

I read an article today that Gov. Schwarzenegger is open to hearing the debate on legalizing marijuana. To me, this is a no-brainer. And I don't smoke pot. Lets break this down to the basic Pro / Con list:

Pros:

- 10's of billions of dollars in tax revenue every year
- Decreased crime
- Police focus switched to IMPORTANT law breakers
- Lowered prison population
- Government regulation assures "clean" product (no lacing)
- Government regulation assists reducing minor usage
- More jobs created to meet the demand
- Non-addictive
- Minimal medical risk
- People use marijuana as their end-of-day relaxing time, instead of alcohol - which is addictive and causes liver damage.
- Increased output of hemp - a "green" super-material
- Weed is from da erf! God put dis here for me - and YOU!

Cons

- Harder to regulate / test for DUI
- ???

I may be missing something here, but it seems kind of obvious. Legalization and heavy taxation of marijuana would be a very good thing for this country.

Speaking of obvious, why the hell does the IRS still exist? Oh right, because the people that need to change tax laws are the same ones that benefit from the dirty tax system. The lawmakers cater to lobbyists to assure tax loopholes, and receive bribes in exchange. So why would they ever want to get rid of this system?? If they truly had the country's best interest at heart. Yeah, I know. Good luck with that, right?

So we all know that the IRS is severely flawed. I don't think anyone is debating that. So then what is the alternative? The answer to that question is The FAIR TAX if you're asking me.

What is the Fair Tax? Here it is in a nutshell (blatantly stolen from www.fairtax.org):

The FairTax plan is a comprehensive proposal that replaces all federal income and payroll based taxes with an integrated approach including a progressive national retail sales tax, a prebate to ensure no American pays federal taxes on spending up to the poverty level, dollar-for-dollar federal revenue neutrality, and, through companion legislation, the repeal of the 16th Amendment.

The FairTax Act (HR 25, S 296) is nonpartisan legislation. It abolishes all federal personal and corporate income taxes, gift, estate, capital gains, alternative minimum, Social Security, Medicare, and self-employment taxes and replaces them with one simple, visible, federal retail sales tax administered primarily by existing state sales tax authorities.

The FairTax taxes us only on what we choose to spend on new goods or services, not on what we earn. The FairTax is a fair, efficient, transparent, and intelligent solution to the frustration and inequity of our current tax system.

The FairTax:

* Enables workers to keep their entire paychecks
* Enables retirees to keep their entire pensions
* Refunds in advance the tax on purchases of basic necessities
* Allows American products to compete fairly
* Brings transparency and accountability to tax policy
* Ensures Social Security and Medicare funding
* Closes all loopholes and brings fairness to taxation
* Abolishes the IRS

Imagine receiving your ENTIRE paycheck.

Imagine Drug dealers and illegal immigrants being required to pay taxes.

Imagine the cost savings without the lumbering behemoth IRS draining our economy.

Imagine there's no heaven.

Sorry.. Got a little preachy there.

On to another hot topic in the country - the economy. Everyone seems to be grasping for a way to jump-start the economy. OK, so we all know (or should know) what caused this. It boils down to a lot of irresponsible management of money - by both consumers and banks. The consumers over-extended themselves, and relied on credit to pay for things they could not afford. The banks knew this, but still made the loans anyways. They sold the loans as higher-quality than they were. The economy was running on fake money, and eventually it was going to pop. The major cause for the pop was the high-risk mortgages that increased interest rates (and minimum payments) at a later date. This allowed consumers to buy houses that they could not afford at a very low up-front monthly cost. Once the rates and minimum payments increased, these people could no longer afford their payments, and defaulted. And so the chain reaction started.

OK - so how do we fix it?

- Support the US economy
- Create government jobs
- Teach Americans to practice responsible money management

As you all know, the government has spent hundreds of billions of dollars trying to rectify the situation. They have sent us checks, they have bailed out banks, and bailed out automakers. Good, great, fantastic. It needed to be done - unfortunately. BUT it could have been done better.

Banks should have had requirements:
- Keep interest rates below a specific number (to support the american taxpayer)
- Create regulations on how high-risk debt is handled in the future
- Requirements for future on-hand reserves.
- Quarterly detailed reports to the government

Automakers should have had requirements:
- Immediately dump any brands or models that are not profitable
- Suspend pet projects / concept vehicles that are not scheduled to be released by 2011 (unless project results in a major fuel efficient vehicle)
- Provide major incentives to US consumers (such as the cover your payment plans they are doing now)
- Renegotiate union contracts to avoid further job loss
- Use temporary factory shut downs to lower overall production cost, while reducing outright firing employees
- Renegotiate supplier contracts (we're all in this together, if we fail / you fail)

Stimulus checks should have had stipulations:
- They should have been in the form of gift cards (so that people could not just stick it in savings)
- These gift cards should have only been usable at top US retailers and car dealers (for new cars only)
- Purchases should have been only allowed for "made in the USA" items.

The president and his staff should be preaching the tactics needed to resolve this (fiscal responsibility, buy American, etc.). The American citizen helped create this recession, and we need to be involved in the recovery.

OK.. I will step of the soap box now. I don't claim to know what the hell I am talking about, but in my head, these things seem obvious.

The Empty Coccoon - Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (Doodface) — Tue, 05 May 2009 11:26:00 +0000

Apologies for taking so long to finish this (as if anyone was eagerly awaiting the conclusion).

To read part 1, click here

To read part 2, click here

As I sat staring blankly at the knife coated in my family's blood, I fought back the nausea once again. Every fiber of my being screamed "KILL HIM!!", but I had to resist the urge. If i could just last through his psychotic ramblings, I may be able to save Sarah and the girls....

"...Very impressive, Mr. D.A.! I know that it must be very difficult to calmly sit on that couch while the killer of.." He put his hand abruptly to his mouth. "Oh no! Did I just give away the ending?" He smiled a smile of pure evil self-satisfaction.

Everything faded to black..

I woke up to him slapping me in the face.

"Wake Up Mr. D.A.! Surely a man that has condemned multiple men to their deaths can handle a little story time, no? Now where was I?" He rubbed his chin for a brief moment. His face suddenly lit up. "Ah yes! So once I have had my viewing time, I allow them to sleep.. Well.. The chloroform does!" He laughed out loud.

All I could do was picture plunging that knife in to him repeatedly. He watched as I studied the knife again and again. He pushed it closer.

"Would you like to pick this up? I noticed that you are very interested in it."

Again, I restrained.

"No? OK, then I will continue." He leaned back in to the couch and closed his eyes. "Once they are sleeping peacefully, I like to slowly consummate the new relationship. Nothing forceful or violent - lovingly."

He had a smile on his face now.

"The younger they are, the more fun this part is. I did not realize this until tonight! I mean 12 year olds were fantastic, but not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how amazing TWO 4 year olds would be!"

I lunged for the knife and jumped on top of him, knife at his throat.

"THAT IS ENOUGH! Tell me where my family in RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I will torture you for weeks if that's what it takes!" I pressed the blade in harder, balanced at the limit before breaking through the skin.

He calmly looked in to my eyes, and grabbed my arm. He pulled my arm so that the knife broke skin. I pulled back.

"You would rather take your own life than tell me where my family is?"

"Yes. Gladly. My existence now is one that I loathe. Though I have been freed, and am able to finally partake in my fantasies, I know that what I am doing is monstrous." The anger in his face returned. "But your deeds are no less monstrous. You have killed, or ruined nearly 20 men. That is far beyond what I have done."

"Please Mr. Colmes. I will do anything! Just tell me what.." He abruptly raised his hand.

"Save it! Your precious little family is dead by now. All 3 were bleeding out as I left them. The little ones had 20 minutes, tops. All of your pointless interruptions dragged this process well beyond that."

Overcome with rage, I plunged the knife in to his chest. He smiled.

"Finally!" He wheezed with excitement. "Release your rage on me!"

I plunged the knife in again. He didn't even wince. He reached into his pocket for an envelope.

"Thank you, Mr. D.A., you played along nicely. You will now get what is coming to you." He handed me the envelope with that same self-satisfied evil smile.

I sat back to open the envelope. Inside was a letter.

Hello Mr. D.A.,

If you are reading this letter, you have played along perfectly. You have finally brought REAL justice in to the world. I am at this point either dead or dying - and this is a good thing. Everything I told you about my fantasies was true. However, I never once fulfilled my desires. Even after you made me in to a murderer in the public's eye, I restrained my needs. Even on your family.

Yes that's right, your family is just fine. I have a cloned cell phone that allows me to make calls or send messages from your number. I sent a text message to your wife telling her to bring the kids, and meet at a hotel for a weekend getaway. I expect that they are waiting at the hotel for you now.

Thank God. My family is alive!

While your family is fine and well, I do not expect that you will be seeing much of them. I have paid a gentleman to hack your e-mail account. Apparently, you invited me over this evening to apologize for accusing me of a crime I did not commit. I have a webcam set up in corner - yes that's right, look for yourself. You have just put on quite a show for the 100 or so people you work with that received the link in their e-mail. Police, judges, court clerks - they all just saw you kill me. Conveniently there was no audio on this video.

There is the webcam. Silently watching the entire evening.

If you're wondering how the rest of my plan worked, I will summarize for you. I chloroformed you when you arrived home and put you in your bed. I then spread around some pig's blood and cadaver fingers. Quite simple really.

The goal of this process was to show the world what you really are. A murderer. While you may have never plunged the knife in to flesh before tonight, you essentially have destroyed 19 innocent men.

Enjoy your time in the federal prison - surrounded by the men that you falsely convicted.

Sincerely,
Stephen Colmes

As I was reading the letter, he had quietly died. I could hear the sirens in the distance..

Parent's Corner

noreply@blogger.com (E) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:07:00 +0000

Howdy folks. Long time no see.

If you've been coming here recently (and honestly, I SEVERELY doubt you have), you'll likely have noticed that things rather abruptly came to a halt here a month or so ago. Markoni popped in to give you the jist of it last week.

I have reproduced.

A horrifying prospect, I agree, not just from my own "HOLY HELL, I'M A DAD" perspective, but a fear also for the future of humanity. I'm not saying that my child was born of a jackal with cloven hooves and a 666 birthmark, but I'm not not saying it either...

Of course, the ultimate question is, "What will this mean for Omni?" Will I change the format to a more family friendly style, perhaps offering parenting advice and whimsical stories of my adorable child shitting her pants?

Let me put everybody's fears to rest right now. It's going to happen.

That's right, Omni will soon be nothing more than an amalgamation of humorous tales of child-rearing, replete with advisory tips and recipes for raising healthy and happy children. I'm hoping to get some guest columnists as well. (I wonder if Dr. Phil is available.)

Please note that we will not stay www.omniphobic.com forever and soon this will be nothing more than a redirect to www.happychildrenhappyhomes.com to reflect my newfound inner peace and contentment.

Granted, my time as a dad has been somewhat limited as of this juncture, but I still feel that it's only right that I indignantly and condescendingly tell you all how to live your lives better and how best to raise your children.

Any good parent will tell you that an underlying philosophy is beneficial when dealing with your child. A child craves consistency, and the only way you as a parent will be able to truly reach and connect with them is by finding a parenting style that represents who you are as a person mixed with the discipline a child needs in order to become a productive and happy member of society.

My parenting style is summed up by the following three letters: V-C-M

That's right, with three simple letters I am able to build a methodology for teaching my child about the ways of the world while still asserting parental authority.

VCM, of course, stands for Violent, Continuous, Merciless, the cornerstone of my child raising foundation.

The key to proper VCM is to make certain that you never back down. For example, when the baby first crowned, I slipped off my belt and began whipping her repeatedly across the head, not slowing down until the soft cranial shell was exposed via the split skin.

Had I loosened up and not stayed true, the labor would have doubtless lasted several more hours. But again, because I was willing to Violently, Continuously, and Mercilessly beat my child, I was able to teach her an early lesson. Namely, no dawdling.

And the tough love didn't abate after the birthing itself. If she urinates in her diaper I will beat her senseless with whatever is on hand. If my arm starts getting tired, it's time to put on my kickin' boots. As of the time of this writing, my innocent little angel is 766 hours old. I estimate I have beat her no less than 500 of those hours, raising countless welts, spreading innumerable bruises, and necessitating no less than 27 return visits to the hospital. (Although, I believe they're getting suspicious about her proclivity for falling down the stairs.)

And don't get me wrong, beating your child isn't all about belts and boots; there's nothing wrong with the fists. After all, babies crave skin on skin contact, even if that skin is plummeting towards their face at 60 mph.

Well, that's it for this installment of Parent's Corner. Check back next time when I'll be discussing piercing a child's wrists and legs so that you can install clips to pin them to the wall at changing time.

Don't Make Me Destroy You!

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:16:00 +0000

So what the hell is going on?

Well we've been making babies, exploring alternative careers, being moody and anti-social, and just plain fucking off. That's about it.

I am assured by 'E' himself that new content will be appearing soon. Hang in there.

Sarah Palin

noreply@blogger.com (Markoni) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 11:49:00 +0000

I approve this message.