Chili Bomb

2013-11-13T23:20:00.003-08:00

Once upon a time,

there was a Monday. The Mom got up and woke her kids up for school. Normally the kids would get up, get their uniforms on and go down for breakfast. Now, you must understand, this mom was strangely allergic to laundry so she was forced (not by choice) to only do it when the threat of expositionism loomed near. The Offspring didn't have any uniforms to put on that morning because they had all been hastily thrown into the dryer that morning because Mom put them in the wash at midnight the night before and never got back out of bed to put them in the dryer. So, Mom did their hair, they got their socks and shoes and shuffled down into the kitchen for breakfast in their underwear and undershirts still half asleep. When they arrived in the kitchen, Mom had a nice warm homemade breakfast waiting for them on the kitchen table. (artistic liberty taken here, it was actually leftover cake, and they got it themselves.) The boy, whom always was running a tad bit behind schedule (like his mom) came stumbling into the kitchen in his boxers and undershirt protesting cake for breakfast. The Mom, who was taking uniforms out of the dryer and realizing there was only 5 minutes until carpool came, complied impetuously with his request to eat leftover chili from dinner the night before. The boy put the chili in the microwave and they all put on their warm clean uniforms fresh from the dryer. The smallest child was standing at the counter eating her cake out of the pan like a good little girl (so Mom would have less dishes to wash), the mom was washing off a plate at the sink and the microwave 'dinged' indicating The Boys nutritious chili was ready. As the boy opened the microwave and took out his chili the world began to move in slow motion. N...O....O....ooo! Somehow in his hurry to eat and finish getting ready, he had picked up the bowl by the lid and as he took it out, the chili flew like a frisbee from his little hands and splattered to the ground thudding an A-bomb of chili all over him, his sister and his mom. All over. Head.to.toe.all.over. Mom and son stared at each other in disbelief and without a word, clothes were ceremoniously stripped off and put back in the washer with the rug and anything else washable that was in a 10 foot radius of the splat zone. Mom put a waffle in the microwave for The Boy and everyone scrambled to get all new clothes on. The knock on the door indicating that carpool was there sent them into a frenzy. Lunches, backpacks and shoes all flew out the door in a ball of quick kisses and 'see ya laters'. Miraculously nobody was maimed in the mornings events and nothing was forgotten or left behind. Mom waved to the kids, shut the door, took a huge breath, and decided it would be best to just go back to bed at this point. As she walked passed a mirror on her way back to her room, she did a double take as she realized she had enough chili on her face to feed an army. There was a second that went by that she considered just going to bed without cleaning it off, then she pictured the red stained tupperware containers get after prolonged exposure to foods of the chili/spaghettio variety and decided that wouldn't be the most ideal facial. So, The Mom washed it off, made some silly faces in the mirror to determine which facial expressions excentuated or reduce the appearance of her wrinkles, then she really did crawl right back into bed. THE END

HOLY SH.....NIKES!!!

2013-11-11T19:15:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, Mom went to the temple with her friends. They loved going and looked forward to a peaceful night and the spiritual re-charge they would receive for attending. It was soon apparent upon their arrival that that night was not going to be exactly what they had anticipated. The hours passed and the friends endured many many patience testing delays and happenings. They FINALLY finished the visit and were all in the locker room changing getting ready to go home. Mom was starving and in a hurry to go to dinner so without much thought, she rapidly began removing articles of clothing. As she whipped off her shoe she stepped on the ground and to her alarm, she realized she had stepped directly on the top of the sharp end of a needle that had been sticking out of the carpet. (for those of you that don't know, the temple is quiet. Always. Like- super quiet-even in the locker rooms) (also, for those of you that don't know, Mom loves Jesus, but has a small potty mouth.) SO, Needle in foot, ALL.THE.WAY.IN. Mom falls into the bench and the door and the locker trying to steady herself in the tiny stall. (picture Tommy Boy on the Plane in the bathroom) All the while blinded by the pain- she let's out a HOLY SHhhhh.....nniikes! (Giggles erupt from over the wall...Sunshine The friend, is hearing the clatter and wondering what in the world could be happening) Mom's friend (Candy, the Beastie) in the next locker asks what's wrong and Mom tells her she has been assaulted by the carpet and is now dying. Mom reaches down and tries to pull the needle out, but can't because she is a big wimp and is wincing and grimacing and growling through the pain. FInally Mom notifies Candy that she is going to have to come into her stall and pull out the needle. With the wisdom and clout that only a NICU Nurse could have, Candy calmly responds and Mom, in her Underwear and a slip, throws the door open and lets Candy in. Then, without a thought for her own safety, Candy grabs the needle with her bare hand and tugs it out. GRAAAAWWWWGGUUUGHHH!!! (Again, The Mom breaks the reverent silence with her yelps of agony) (Giggles from Sunshine continue to be heard from over the wall) Mom bracing herself and focusing on steadying her breath, thanks Candy and they continue to finish changing in their own stalls, all the while fighting the urge to erupt into fits of laughter. Once dressed and needle free in the parking lot- comments and snorts of laughter are exchanged as Mom, obviously still in a state of shock after the incident, asks in a horrified voice if she had released an expletive when her foot was assaulted? Surely, she had dropped one. And in the temple no less!! Candy re-lived the moment play by play, and informed The Mom that she began with a Holy Sh and immediately Candy, knowing of The Mom's sailor mouth, with eyes widened and eyebrows raised she held her breath and thought 'no! no! no!' Then miraculously, in an act of great self control, Mom learned that she had fought through the pain and dropped a Shnikeys as opposed to her old reliable S.H. word of choice. All the girls laughed and laughed late into the night about their adventure. And when the night was through, Mom, with a slight limp in her step, recommitted for the umpteenth time to work on that bad habit of hers...
The End.

Once Upon a Mom...

Chili Bomb

HOLY SH.....NIKES!!!