Submitted by Austin H, pasteurized processed mozzarella cheese product.

Because it would have been impractical (and too expensive, considering our measly allowances) to order real pizza for school lunch, Lunchables Pizzas became The Thing to bring (rhyme: intentional). Lunchables had an entire line of processed, pre-packaged, build-your-own lunches (the gelatinous deli meats with stale crackers, anyone?), but it was their pizza that was the coolest. I seem to recall they became something of a status symbol. Mmmmm…Can’t you just taste the cardboard-esque crust now?

Submitted by Katie, press “sea urchin” now to hear her speak:

Does anyone even remember these? They were basically “electronic storybooks”. You were supposed to read the book and whenever you came across a picture within the text, you had to press the button on the side panel that matched the picture to hear the sound it represented. Quite a few of them were put out by Disney. I think they make books with the same concept today, but the ones from the early 90’s were so much cooler.

Confession: I still sometimes play with these in the store. They combine my three favorite things: Pictures, sound clips, and button pressing.

Submitted by Stu S, who’s stuck in the ball pit:

You begged your parents to stop at McDonald’s during the annual cross-state road trip to Grandma’s house just so you could play in the Play Place, which was better than any Play Place near home. You’d meet that one special person in the ball bit, or at the top of the slide, or somewhere in the maze of tubes. At that moment in time, he or she became your very best friend. You two worked as a team and braved the tube maze or explored the depths of the ball pit. Usually, you’d get this person’s name, and it would be something uncommon, like Blake, Kip, or Ike. When your mom told you it was time to leave, you told your new best friend that you would go play at their house some time. The next day, you completely forgot about Blake (or Kip or Ike).

Submitted by Kimberly T, Project Runway finalist (season 3):

Fashion Plates were the Project Runway of the late 70s/80s. You would choose different fashion ideas from raised plates, place a piece of paper over it, and then rub with a special holder that held a piece of black crayon. You could then color your designs with the pencils included with the kit. There were endless combinations since the most plates were double-sided, and some plates had a pattern you could use to add texture. They also sold additional plates to use with the original kit (these plates were blue), and there were different versions, including updated contemporary fashions and even a New Kids on the Block version! I am not embarassed to say that I am in my 30s and still use my Fashion Plates. I break them out with my girls and give my inner fashionista a chance to shine!

Submitted by Chelsea V, gravity defier.

You know the deal: Build something big and colorful–a plastic technicolor maze–drop a marble in the top, and watch it find its way down. Like so many toys, this one is marketed as educational, on the basis, apparently, that it teaches kids about gravity. But, I mean, other than “the marble goes down,” I think it would be hard to argue that the lesson is an intense one. Still: Colorful creations with moving parts? Always a win.

It’s Monday, aka WTF Day, here at Once Upon a Win. Know of any outrageous WTF pictures, videos, or fads from the past that you’d like to see on the site? Post your suggestions in the comments.

“Boys Beware,” submitted by Miroku, predator.

“Girls Beware,” also submitted by Miroku, who placed a job ad and was never heard from again.

Wow. I have learned so much! For instance, I was unaware that The Homosexuals were such a sneaky, violent bunch and that girls have so much to be afraid of! And now I know that when a man in a tuxedo tries to play basketball with me, I should understand that he’s not normal…and not just because he’s playing basketball in a tuxedo. The world seems so scary now. Beware, all!

Submitted by Jenny B, who can’t make it home for Christmas:

This is a classic Christmas commercial: Folger’s “Peter Comes Home.” My mom always thought Peter was so handsome. They apparently played this commercial for about 10 years. I noticed that this year they have a new one: Good, but not as good as the original!

Submitted by Kelly K, with that slow southern style.

Though velvet paintings originated in Kashmir and primarily depicted religious imagery, chances are good that most of us associate them with kitschy 1970s decor. Black velvet is the preferred canvas for paintings of wolves, unicorns, and Elvis Presley. How many of you own–or paint–some of these timeless beauties?

Submitted by Jason W, #18 classic red.

Very few things are as universally recognized as an icon of childhood the way the Radio Flyer red wagon is. The classic red edition, the most beloved, has been in continuous production for over 70 years. If you’re a really big fan of the Radio Flyer red wagon, you may want to plan a trip to Spokane, WA’s Riverfront Park, where a giant Radio Flyer wagon was created. Bring the kids: The handle is a slide!

Submitted by Amy N, an admitted macramé machine:

I spent almost all my free time for the first 12 years of my life in my mother’s macramé shop. I was a macramé machine. By the time I realized there were other things in life than macramé, all my family and friends had at least one of my macramé masterpieces hanging in their house. My pièce de résistance was the marvelous macramé owl. It hung in my family’s rumpus room until it pretty much disintegrated from old age.

Submitted by Valeria K, who prefers her ice cream in the shape of a hot dog.

These, uh, creative desserts were invented in Philadelphia in the ’80s by Jack and Jill Ice Cream Company before Good Humor-Breyers brought them to the entire nation in the mid-’90s. There’s not much explaining one can do for Choco Tacos. Yeah, it’s an ice cream cone in the shape of a taco. Who else is getting hungry?

Welcome back to ’80s Music Video Thursdays! Suggestions for next week’s edition are welcome in the comments.

“Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart, submitted by CosmykDolfyn.

I don’t know a video with more synchronization problems than this. I must randomly move my mouth. And I hate wearing my sunglasses, even though that’s the song’s title.

“Nightboat” by Duran Duran, submitted by MaryIn Boise.

This is pre-Rio and Hungry Like the Wolf, and the album it comes from is their best in my opinion.

“Cloudbusting” by Kate Bush.

Kate Bush playing Donald Sutherland’s son in a video conceived by Ms. Bush and Terry Gilliam. ‘Nuff said.

A few more from the past:

’80s Music Video Thursday: Candy Coated Sugar Sweetness
’80s Music Video Thursday: Walk, Don’t Run, Like an Egyptian
’80s Music Video Thursdays are my Reality

Submitted by Hannah O, bully.

Recess was a show that I woke up every Saturday morning to watch. There were those awful days when I only caught the last two minutes of a show and was quite grumpy afterwards. I remember watching the Gus episode, “New Kid,” and being able to sorta relate to it. It’s hard to describe how great this show was. As a kid, I always wished my school’s fifteen-minute recess was as awesome as T.J. and the gang’s.

Submitted by Asiah M, balance beam champion.

SPOILER ALERT! The weights that allow this bird to balance on just about anything–a table edge, your finger, your nose–are located in the tips of the wings. I hope I haven’t ruined the magic for any of you. These simple marvels were, and still are, marketed as educational toys that teach children (and adults) about things like gravity and center of mass. And to think I just thought they were fun. Lesson learned. Off to physicist school!

Submitted by Alain C, party crasher.

Oh, the number of birthday parties we attended at Discovery Zone! I believe I probably logged more “party hours” at a Discovery Zone than I did at a Chuck-E-Cheese over the course of my childhood. Re-watching this advertisement (which sparked a dozen memories instantly), I realize it wasn’t the ball pit or the tubes you crawled through or the “party rooms” with cafeteria-style seating that brought me back each time; it was my favorite Nickelodeon characters coercing me! What clever (and cruel) cross-promotion. Ah, well. I stopped attending Discovery Zone parties at about the same time I noticed them shutting down around town. Just as well, right? You reach a certain age and ball pits no longer seem fun, they just seem icky.

Submitted by Aaron S and Carter W, ski bunnies:

Even as an adult, the yeti is still probably the most frightening thing ever.

When attempting to associate “computer games I played in my youth” with specific games, the first thing that comes to mind is Oregon Trail. The second thing that comes to mind is Ski Free. Damn, that yeti was fast!

Submitted by J Alexander, who knows what each letter of ROYGBIV stands for.

Who says it takes more than flashy colors to capture someone’s attention? I mean, that’s all Rainbow Brite was really about, yeah? Colors? Everything had a name relating to color, and, like, the plot was all about stealing and/or restoring color. And somehow that transformed into a billion dollar industry! For all of her success, Ms. Brite doesn’t seem to have done all that much work. Only 3 two-part specials and 8 regular episodes were made. But again: Billion dollar industry. Thanks to the toys and licensing. And, I suppose, a strong presence in pop culture that, to this very day, is referenced by shows like Talk Soup and Robot Chicken.

Welcome, readers, to another Monday WTF. What better way to start the week off than with a strong dose of the odd, the strange, the weirdly hilarious? If you have any suggestions for upcoming WTF posts, feel free to leave them in the comments.

If forced at gunpoint, I couldn’t tell you my favorite element of this super groovy 1960s anti-drug propaganda film. At any given moment it could be one of endless elements: The deadpan narration, the understated facial expressions, the sound cues, the troll doll in the hot dog bun. OK, maybe, just maybe, I would choose the script, full of truly WTF narrational tidbits like:

“I was pretty jacked up on marijuana, so I decided to try it, and I dropped it.”

“And I was jumping on this hot dog in the middle of market street. I realized that I had murdered it. And I took of screaming down the street, scared.”

I have to wonder if this was at all effective in convincing people not to drop acid. I think it makes a better argument for not eating hot dogs.

Submitted by K Mack, wrapped in plastic.

The murder. The possession. The silliness. The sex. The dark forest and ever-present owls. The coffee and cherry pie. The insane cast of characters (a real bag of mixed nuts). The talking logs. And lest we forget: The pine weasel. When it debuted, Twin Peaks became a sensation. But pressure to reveal Laura Palmer’s killer drove the show (and its creators, David Lynch and Mark Frost) into television hell. Quality (severely) declined with the ratings. Eventually, over Lynch’s objections, the killer was revealed in what was, and is for me still, 15 of the most terrifying minutes ever committed to film. The show dragged on for another half-season, without much input from Lynch and Frost, and was soon cancelled. Of course, Lynch revisited Twin Peaks a few years later with Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, a very dark (and much-maligned) prequel film. One could argue that many successful shows that have aired since–LOST, for example–owe a lot to Twin Peaks.

Submitted by R P and Becki x, telephone operators.

R P says:

Hey, remember the game Dream Phone? I remember Dan the Man from the game. Loved it!

And just so you can remember, in full technicolor, all the squealing fun:

“It’s for you!”

Submitted by Chris, auteur.

This is a blast from the past Win without a doubt. Way better than the viewmaster reel, I think. They made one that was like a mini theater, too, but this is the one I remember from childhood.

Submitted by Caitlin, our feathered friend.

‘Tis the time of year when these things, which we ALL made throughout elementary school (and hopefully not beyond that time), pop up in our parents’ houses as “decoration.” It’s almost incredible that these old scraps of paper have managed to survive as long as they have, in boxes, in attics, with 20-year-old tape still stuck on the back. Pictured above is the traditional Hand Turkey, but some of us got creative with materials: Real feathers, glitter, googly eyes. Sadly, Hand Turkeys are about as far as my art career went.

Submitted by Audrey A, who is afraid of worms.

I still ride one of these bad boys around. Around the house, to the store, to work, and even once to Amsterdam. I always get a lot of attention, as you can imagine. The Hasbro Corporation released this toy in the early 1970s, and it is still available today (through Radio Flyer). I seem to remember they were kind of noisy. But does it matter how you sound when you look that cool?

Welcome, once again, to ’80s Music Video Thursday here at Once Upon a Win. This week we’re (loosely) sticking to a (vague) theme. By theme, I mean a song and/or band that has something relating to sweetness and/or candy in its name. If you’d like to see a particular video posted on this site next week, feel free to leave a link in the comments!

“Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” by Eurythmics, submitted by CosmykDolfyn

I couldn’t believe the singer was a woman. Sorry.

“Birthday” by The Sugarcubes
Björk is like candy for my ears, and her videos, even her pre-solo-career videos with The Sugarcubes, are eye-catching eye candy.

“I Want Candy” by Bow Wow Wow
The giant candy cane sticking out of the sand? Yeah, that’s a metaphor…for candy.

“Candy Girl” by New Edition
I walk down all stairs the way these young men walk down the stairs at the start of the video. They were doing it to be cool. I do it because of a bad hip.

Previously:

’80s Music Video Thursdays: Walk, Don’t Run, Like an Egyptian
’80s Music Video Thursdays are my Reality
’80s Music Video Thursday is Gonna Set Sail
Bonnie Tyler Owns ’80s Music Video Thursday
Return of the ’80s Music Video Thursday
’80s Music Video Thursday Strikes Back
’80s Music Video Thursday

Our LOLmart Shirt of the Day Sale continues with a shirt made (literally) of WIN! And not just WIN, but EPIC WIN!

Today’s LOLMart Shirt of the Day will be only available today, and then it will be gone forever!

This one is pretty self explanatory. But we’re going to write about it anyway, because an EPIC WIN deserves an epic blurb.

There are so many examples of FAIL in this world. It’s amazing when you get a WIN, and better yet if it’s EPIC. Your favorite sports team scores a second before the buzzer sounds? EPIC WIN! You pay for a small soda and get a large? Well that’s just a WIN.

LOLMart t-shirts are priced at only $15 (that includes FREE US ground shipping!), makes the perfect holiday gift for a friend (or for yourself).

I remember watching this show on days when I stayed home “sick” from school (and just about everything else that was on Nickelodeon’s Nick Jr.). If I’m honest, though, I don’t remember anything specific about it. Other than, you know, there were gnomes. And according to the laugh-tastic theme song “trolls and wizards and fairy kings, birds that talk and fish that sing.” Wow. The show, which originally aired in Spain, was based on a series of children’s books. For the American version of the show, Tom Bosley voiced David’s character and Christopher Plummer provided narration.

Submitted by Laura E, cobbler.

No matter what generation you’re of, these were your kindergarten first-day-of-school shoes.

Submitted by Anonymous, who wishes to remain anonymous.

It’s hard to imagine, after looking at the image above, that, as children, we could want to eat food that looked like that. And then actually eat and enjoy it. I remember trying to peel the plastic film off of the scorched tray and never being totally successful. I also remember that, contrary to everything I understood then, the dessert was always the worst tasting part of the meal. And that’s saying something. Cute penguin mascot, though.

Submitted by Bruce W, invisible showoff.

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle is a children’s book series written by Betty MacDonald featuring the enchanting widow of a pirate in the titular role. She resided in an upside-down house (and, in one book, a farm) and helped the neighborhood children overcome obstacles using both magic and common sense. She had a cure for just about every problem one could imagine, though most issues she dealt with pertained to manners, politeness, and hygiene. Oh, how I loved these books. Naming no names, I think we all know a kid or two in need of one of Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle’s cures…

Submitted by Mary Beth D, weaver extraordinaire.

So colorful! So geometric! So…hotel carpet-like! To this day, when I see a “certain type” of sweater, I think to myself, “Nice Cosby sweater!” Though these sweaters were a fashion trend not long for this world, they do still exist, most often in the bargain corners of thrift shops and hanging “ironically” in hipsters’ closets. Certainly, there are many moments to remember from The Cosby Show, but the Cosby Sweater may just always be the thing to leap to mind first.

Submitted by Brandon M, who doesn’t know what fruit is.

Alright, I’ll admit that this video appears to be purposefully WTF, but I don’t think that makes it any less WTF. Though at the time the band was successful in their homeland, Canada, they had yet to break the American market. I’m trying to imagine the impression I may have formed if I had seen this FOX Kids PSA before knowing anything else about the band. Well, whether successful or not, the message of racial tolerance is never something to scoff at. Those dance moves, however, are.

Submitted by Michael S, who wrote his school report on Alexander the Grape.

Taste the burn! These were never my favorite candy. Were they anyone’s favorite candy? I don’t think so. Then again, I never thought I’d hear someone say that Boston Baked Beans were their favorite candy, but someone recently proved me wrong. Interestingly (or not), The Ferrara Pan Candy Company produced both the aforementioned candies, as well as Lemonheads, Jawbreakers, and Atomic Fireballs. Despite not caring much for these “spicy” crunchies, they do evoke a sense of nostalgia; one hasn’t passed my lips since childhood.

Submitted by Mike D, who wears a size 13 shoe.

Of all the things that gave me nightmares as a child, Bigfoot was the most terrifying. And especially the Hendersons’ “lovable” friend Harry. That big, goofy face always seemed more sinister than, well, goofy. He still kind of terrifies me, honestly. Viewing the trailer now, I see that the filmmakers’ intent was not to terrify young children, and that the movie was supposed to be fun and touching. Yeah, I’m still kind of creeped out. Between Harry and the Twin Peaks marathon I had a few weeks ago, I’m never stepping into the woods again.

Submitted by Devon R, who writes to us from the bottom of a well.

Admit it: When you see a rough collie frolicking in the park, you think to yourself “that’s a Lassie dog!” You know it’s true. Though the character of Lassie originated in a novel by author Eric Knight, we most often associate her with the many films and long-running television series in which she starred. We loved Lassie because she was so smart and helpful: She fetched help when Timmy fell down the well, when Timmy encountered a dangerous wild animal, and when Timmy fell down the well…again. Interesting fact: Though Lassie, the character, was female, all of the dogs that portrayed her were male. Take that to Trivia Night!

It’s that time of the week again: ’80s Music Video Thursday! I’ll call this the “Thanksgiving Edition,” although there is nothing relevant to the holiday to be found in the videos below. As always, suggest your favorite cheesy/awful/funny/cool 80s videos in the comments!

“Walk Like an Egyptian” by The Bangles
One of my favorite things in life is learning dances that were choreographed specifically to match the lyrics of the song. Don’t tell me you don’t do “Egyptian arms” when this song comes on the radio. Just don’t do them while driving, ‘cuz that would be dangerous.

“Love is the Drug” by Grace Jones
Grace Jones’ cover of Roxy Music’s “Love is the Drug” is just as good as the original, which is a rare feat. As for Ms. Jones, she was doing the crazy-fashion-music-performance-art thing two decades before Lady GaGa, so let’s give her props. Despite the 80s-ness of the video, I still think it’s kind of cool.

“Lavender” by Marillion
A saccharine video to match a saccharine song. It’s so classically ’80s it hurts.

Previously:
’80s Music Video Thursdays are my Reality
’80s Music Video Thursday is Gonna Set Sail
Bonnie Tyler Owns ’80s Music Video Thursday
Return of the ’80s Music Video Thursday
’80s Music Video Thursday Strikes Back
’80s Music Video Thursday

Submitted by Peter H, aka Burger Court Jester.

Certainly we can all remember how badly we begged our parents to take us out to places like Burger King for dinner. Maybe some of you threw fits when they said No!” And, as I recall, they said “No!” often. But every now and then, they’d get tired of hearing you cry, and take you out. It wasn’t just about the food, which probably tasted good to our unseasoned palates, but about the toys and the crowns and the colorful commercials featuring a cast of interracial cartoons who did cool things. I don’t know about you, but the memories of attending my friends’ birthday parties in the playrooms of local Burger Kings are rushing back.

Submitted by Avrol, who once fashioned a telephone out of coconut and tiger hair.

This 1960 Disney movie had it all: Pirates, dangerous wildlife, family drama, booby traps, treehouses, and romance. It hit all the right notes, which perhaps explains why it was one of the most successful family films ever made. And for all of you wishing you could see this classic updated and brought back to the big screen, you’re in luck! A remake, slated for release in 2012, is currently in production. Start the betting now: Just how bad do you think Disney will mess it up?

Submitted by Ann L, professional choreographer.

Urkel is probably the only thing you remember from ABC’s Family Matters, a TGIF classic. The lovable nerd, who spoke in a nasally voice and always wore suspenders attached to high-water pants, gets his groove on in the clip posted above. What I love most about this scene is how everyone at the party joins in, apparently already having learned the dance steps. The lyrics are WIN, too. Truly “better than Elvis.”

Submitted by Andrea T, who still sleeps in one.

What a combination! A bed + a tent = Tent beds! Because why camp outside in the cold on the hard ground when you could do it in the comfort of your own room on a mattress?! Most of us liked building forts, but nothing made out of couch cushions could ever look as cool as a princess castle or a fire station. You just know the kid with a tent bed ended up hosting all of the best sleepovers.

Submitted by Patrick S, calling long distance from London.

Everybody knows a Clash song, even if they don’t know it’s a Clash song. And the London Calling album sleeve? Iconic. More than just a punk band, The Clash experimented with many genres of music, including rock, ska, reggae, rap, and funk. Whatever the genre, they usually managed to include left-leaning political messages into their lyrics. The group split for good in 1986. Lead vocalist and guitar player, Joe Strummer, passed away in 2002.

This 1989 Wendy’s training video is like Videodrome, fast food style. Though there is something to be said about the “Grill Skills” jingle at the start of the clip, the real fun begins at the 3:30 mark, when the unsuspecting new employee is sucked into the television. Then the rapping starts. Eventually, you’ll encounter some singing meat patties with cartoon faces. It almost makes working at Wendy’s seem fun.

Submitted and Written by Melanie H, who reminds us that “tweet” used to mean something else entirely.

It seems like these are all I ever won at carnivals as a kid. You put a little water inside of them & when you blew into them, they sort of sounded like a warbling bird. Then your mom would sort of flip her lid from all the noise & make you go outside with it.

Submitted by Alan T, who claims he’s no dummy.

What haven’t these guys done? Star in a public service advertisement? Check. Have a line of toys modeled after them? Check. Be drawn into cartoon characters? Check. Have a band named after them? Check. These human-like robots have had more success in life than I have! It’s almost creepy that overgrown dolls made to test the impact of car accidents on human bodies became as popular as they did. But stranger things have happened, right?

Submitted by Ken L, who is rumored to have bitten off the head of a bat

Black Sabbath was responsible for many heavy metal staples: “Iron Man,” “Crazy Train,” and “Paranoid” (shown above). MTV recognized Ozzy’s outfit as the Greatest Metal Band of All Time. Sabbath is pretty good, but I think VH1 was probably a bit more accurate ranking them at second, behind Led Zeppelin.

Submitted and Written by Darcy, screams, you scream, we all scream…

Remember these ice cream shooters? You would push a button and the foam “ice cream” would come flying out of the cone. I used to torment my little sister by shooting her in the head with this silly toy. I wish I still had one, they crack me up!

Submitted by K Kovach,

I remember most school supplies — namely folders — featured pencils and books and other school supplies on them. The Lisa Frank brand wanted to showcase a more accurate depiction of school: Tripping on hallucinogens. That rainbow-colored unicorn got me through the 6th grade, man!

More awesomely bad videos this week. Leave your suggestions for awesomely bad videos in the comments!

“Reality” by Richard Sanderson
Not trying to be mean, but I couldn’t stop looking at Richard Sanderson’s awful teeth. I mean, if your teeth are that bad, why would you make a video that only features your head for four and a half minutes? But at least this proves that you can turn a bad Sears portrait into a music video, if you have some creepy zombie hands in the background.

“Hang Up The Phone” by Annie Golden submitted by CosmykDolfyn
I like the end of the video when Annie Golden and her boy toy are dancing/trying to head butt each other.

“I Wanna Be a Lifeguard” by Blotto also submitted by CosmykDolfyn (nice work)

Did anyone tell Blotto they were acting like idiots?

“I’m Over You” by Sequal submitted by QuoteMan
You know what they say: if you can’t dance, hide it with a lot of blinking horizontal lines.

Previously:
’80s Music Video Thursday is Gonna Set Sail
Bonnie Tyler Owns ’80s Music Video Thursday
Return of the ’80s Music Video Thursday
’80s Music Video Thursday Strikes Back
’80s Music Video Thursday

Submitted by katsak, ruh-roh!

Hanna-Barbera counterpart to The Flintstones, The Jetsons live in a futuristic utopia ruled by conveyer belts. The show ran for 75 episodes, but they never got to the impending robotic uprising, led by Rosie the disgruntled housekeeper. It seemed like only a matter of time until the superior robots rose up and enslaved their human overlords.

Submitted and Written by Kae J, [insert swine flu joke here]

Pass the Pigs! Originally called Pig Mania! A sweet sweet game where you… rolled… pigs? I guess. I remember an extremely intricate scoring system. Double Leaning Jowler zomgz!!!11!!

Submitted by Brooks, in the shadow of Forrest Gump

It’s pretty hard to dislike any movie with a Morgan Freeman voiceover. He’s like the grandfather you never had. I once got in an argument with someone about who would be better as the voice of God — Morgan Freeman or Donald Sutherland. Unfortunately, I pretty much lost the argument when the other person cited Bruce Almighty.