Office Pranks, Office Humor, and Office Stories - One Crazy Office

Two for the price of one

2010-02-28T12:33:00.000-06:00

It is not uncommon to get constables and other law enforcement type people out at this site to serve papers to employees. In fact it usually happens at least once a month. But the other day when this constable walked in he had a little surprise for me. He was not serving one, but two people for two completely different reasons.

So he walked in the building and I got the call on the radio that they needed me at the front desk. I invited the constable into my office and asked him the name of the individual that we we about to call down. Well he hands me two names which has never happened before. I was thinking great it is hard enough just to get one guy down here.

I look up to see if they were even here today and one was and one wasn't. I couldn't get a hold of the guy who was here though. So he left me two of his cards and told me to give that to the two individuals. I didn't have to, but I was bored and thought OK I will help you make some quick money on the side.

Later that day I get a hold of that one individual and give him the card. The guy calls it and it ends up being the wrong guy. Apparently there are two people with that same name that work here. I was like oh great.

I ended up giving both cards to the correct people and called the constable. Well he zooms right over and wants to see those people. Well one guy came and got served and that was the end of it. The other guy didn't want his so guess what he did? He RAN...

I informed very politely that he will not be picking up his summons, because he is in the process of leaving this site right now as quickly as possible. The constable ended up running after him and I am sure that he got his man.

I'll take some wine with that

2010-02-24T11:29:00.000-06:00

This actually didn't happen at the site I worked at or with the company I work with. This happened at an OLD RETIREMENT HOME. You will have to remember that. And it had to deal with one of my friends.

It all started when I was having a house warming party and we invited all the usual guests over. Well one of my friends brings over this huge bottle of wine. I was like whoa that's a lot of booze in one bottle. Well people kept talking about it, and how generous this guy was.

Well another friend who actually worked at the same place as him started getting jealous for some reason. And we are all good friends and love to rain on each others parades any time we can.

So he spilled the beans on this guy in front of the entire party. What had happened was that the guy who brought the wine had stolen it from the cafe at the RETIREMENT HOME. And Apparently he has done this more than once. They said he probably has more than a liquor store by now.

Everyone started laughing at it, but thought it was wrong to steal the old folks booze.

Funny side note, the guy a few months later was found passed out at work holding a empty bottle of wine AT WORK. He actually was able to keep his job though since nobody would take his shifts and they couldn't hire anybody else for some reason.

I still have that bottle too. I think it would be bad to drink and bad to throw it away at the same time, so it is gathering dust at home. I get a little chuckle everytime I look at it though.

And Bullwinkle

2010-02-20T22:58:00.000-06:00

Now this guy was off his rocker. I think when he finally left our site it was a blessing in disguise. He was a lawsuit waiting to happen. This guy even had a masters degree and was working security as his main job. He is also one of the few people that actually scared me.

This story didn't get him fired, but it is very memorable. He was having this party at his house one day, and I guess he wanted to invite some people at work. So his idea to get the word out was to plaster his info about the party in ALL the break rooms around the building and put a couple on this one girls desk.

He knew it, but this girl was one of the head girls on HR. I personally have a problem with people who work in HR. We just don't get a long for some reason. I digress.

So the party comes and goes and out of 2000 something employees not one of them shows up. He works 3RD shift and no one knows who he is for one. But here comes his big mistake. He goes up to the HR girl and starts a conversation with her. And apparently he told her that she missed on hell of a party. She said oh that was you that left that note on my desk. And then he said the instant classic line.

He said and I quote " Oh man you should of been there we were all drinking and they had ton of pot. We were smoking some crazy weed. You really missed it" And that is all fine and good depending on who you are, BUT YOU DO NOT SAY THAT TO HR! So she goes to the security supervisor. And he ended up keeping his job.

Now he was fired a few months after that though for making a joke that I have said in another post, but here it goes again. What do you call a person who has sex with their bike?....A peddle file. And with that he was outta there.

The reason he scared me though was because he was on medication and he was telling everyone that he had a gun. Which is fine, but they way he was talking was scary.

Also now that I think of it he wasn't fired. They moved him to a different site and he started doing patrol. So he still works for the security company.

The Adventures of Rocky

2010-02-15T22:44:00.000-06:00

This guy was a character. Unfortunately he was grossly over weight and ended up in the hospital almost a year ago. He struggled to comb his hair it was so bad. But last I heard he is still trying to lose weight. Anyways this story is one of the stories that I think about every time his name comes up.

Rocky actually never got fired. He probably should of been and they told the employee that he was, but it never happened which is pretty funny to me. It all started with one of the receptionist. He developed a crush on her. One day she said good morning to him and then it was on. I guess saying hi to some guys is a sign that they want you.

So this guy would start to call her in the morning as soon as she would show up for work. And most of the time he would just stay on the line and she could hear him breathing. Very Creepy. Well it was pretty obvious where the call was coming from since all the phones have caller ID. This actually went one for a month or two before she told anybody.

And as soon as she told our supervisor about him, he said he would have a talk with him. This supervisor was very lazy and never said two words to him. Well after another week or two she then went to the site manager, who called the owner of the security company. Who then stepped in and talked to the guard, but still didn't fire him. Then turned around and told the girl that he was fired.

He never called her again, and she never noticed him walking by her every morning. Which starts to make you think, did she even know who the person looked like that was pretty much stalking her.

I did it with a Wiffle Ball Bat Soo

2010-02-06T12:55:00.000-06:00

I wanted to give you a warning before reading this article. It will piss you off and it is quite unbelievable, but I thought I would tell the story since it has come full circle now. I will start from the beginning.

One day this guy walks into the building and tells me he has a interview set up. I ask him who his contact person is and he tells me. So I give the person a call to let them know that they have a visitor. I call the person and she informs me that she is not expecting that person for another month.

I tell the guy the situation and he gets very angry, and demands to talk to that person. I tell the contact person that he wants to talk to you. She said that she would be right down. She came down and they actually argued for a few minutes and he ended up leaving in a hurry. She came in rolling her eyes, but didn't say anything and went back to her desk.

Well at the end of the month the same guy came in. Apparently he still had a job interview after blowing up on the person who was thinking about hiring him. Long story short then end up hiring him and a few months later he ends up becoming permanent.

So I didn't hear anything else about him really other than seeing him around for about a year. But one day our big boss walks in and asks about this person. I tell him that I know who he is, and that he is kind of a jerk. Well he tells me that is not even the start of it.

Apparently him and his girl ended up getting really drunk one night and he beat her up with a baseball bat. She ended up in the hospital with reconstructive surgery. She will never be the same. And that dude is actually at work the next day joking around with some co workers. Later that week we had a constable show up, but only to serve him some papers.

So the guy still works here after all that. I know that the company can't do anything about it because it had nothing to do with them. I am just surprised that he was able to walk out of jail after doing that to someone.

Almost a year later after that though a manager walks in a hands me his ID card and tells me that he will not be coming back. In fact they don't plan on seeing him for 2-5 years or so now.

One MAD dude

2010-02-05T10:25:00.000-06:00

I know people get pissed off when they are trying to get a hold of their spouse at work and can't reach them. But when you actually come up to their work and start cussing and yelling at the people who work there is not really the smartest thing to do for your sake and your wives.

It all started one day in early 2005. I was doing my rounds and I heard this guy shouting down the hall. While I was walking up to him I saw that he was shouting at these two girls who were the receptionist. They were asking him to be quiet and settle down. And if he can't then he needs to leave.

He responded and said that he didn't have to do one thing that they say. By that time I got there and I spoke up and said no, but you do have to listen to me. He looked at me and was kind of taken aback that he gathered some attention. So he goes and sits down and tries to call his wife a few more times before getting pissed off again.

He came up to me and asked me to escort him to his desk. I tell him no because he has already become a problem and he needs to stay where he is at. That she can come down to see you. Well he got pissed off again and started cussing up a storm again.

He said that he has gone up there before. I asked him who let you in? He got real quiet and didn't say anything at that point. After a moment he said that he wanted to talk to my supervisor. So I obliged him and call my supervisor up to the front desk.

He asked my boss the same thing and he as well told him no that he can not go upstairs. So then he started saying he wanted every ones names and the corporate number.I was more than happy to give him my name and badge number. (I was thinking to myself...I always wanted to say that)

At that time though he saw his spouse come from upstairs and and give him some keys that ended up being his house keys. All of that was over some keys because he forgot his. He then turned to argue some more with everybody, but me and my supervisor escorted him off-site.

We then gave him a criminal trespassing warning and told me he was no longer allowed to be on-site.

Fit to be tied

2009-11-23T21:59:00.000-06:00

Here on site there is a fitness center. Only employees are allowed to us it, and if a guard uses it then they will be fired. Not everyone listens to this warning and I guess they think they will not get caught. That is one of the very few things that I didn't do. But I do know a few people who did. This story here is the creme of the crop on those stories.

We had this guard around the end of 2005 and I was the one training him on his first day. And he even made the remark that he wanted to use the fitness center. Well apparently he just didn't want to listen to my advice.

It all started when he was working out in the fitness center one night and a employee came in to do the same. They start talking and he even admitted to the employee that he was not supposed to be working out. He just told the guy that he did not have a gym membership and just wanted to get pumped for his graduation ceremonies that was going to happen the next day from ITT.

Of course the guy sent a email to the supervisor the next day and the guard got a verbal warning. Well you would think hey I got caught once and was able to keep my job, I better do what I am supposed to at least for awhile till the heats off. Well if you thought that then you thought wrong.

The very next night a different employee came in there and saw him working out and he told that guy to that he didn't have a membership and that he wasn't supposed to be in there, BUT it helped him to stay awake and help the night go by faster. The employee said maybe you should sneak in here when no employees are around.

So the supervisor found out again and fired the guy. And I don't know if you were wondering or not, but YES HE WAS IN FULL UNIFORM while he was working out.

Hummingbirds

2009-11-23T14:24:00.000-06:00

This is a pretty cool thing that happened to me the other day. What happened was I got this call on the radio for me to come outside to where this other guard was at. Well I was busy working on my blog, but I ended up having to go out there since it is my real job.

Good thing I did though because when I got outside I saw this guard standing by this little bird. He told me that something was wrong with him, and he didn't know what to do for it. He wouldn't pick it up to examine him though.

Well it ended up being a hummingbird. Which has always been one of my favorites. I knelt beside him and kinda touched him to see what he would do. He didn't even move. So I thought for a second and I picked him up. He started to move a little bit, but only to grab one of my fingers for traction.

I looked him over and he had this feather kinda stuck in his eye or covering his eye. I don't know, but I pulled it out of his eye. Well it was weird because the little guy perked up, but still wouldn't fly off. So I held him for a little bit and then I raised my hand a little higher and the little guy flew like a speeding bullet away to some trees.

It was very cool and how many people can say that they have held a hummingbird.

Sneaking in womans office

2009-07-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

Alright before I start this story I want everyone to know that I ended up marrying this person so it all worked out in the end.

It all started out when I started working nights out at the corporate site. The first day I was out there I saw this one girl walking by. Took my breath away. I couldn't believe my eyes. Of course I didn't say anything, but when she walked by she said hello and all that would come out was this sound that sounded like stepping on a cats tail.

After working out there for a few months I did end up talking to her for a little bit and found out that she was the lead receptionist at the site. She was real nice, so I figured she had the ugly duckling syndrome. Where they don't know how hot they are. Why else would she spend any time talking to a security guard. I found that most of the girls that worked there had that attitude.

So after thinking about it for awhile I figured out that I needed to find more out about this girl. See if she was with someone else and anything else that might help me bag this babe. So late one night when everybody was gone I snuck into her office.

I went through her desk and didn't find anything, so I started to go through her computer. I found some pics of her with these two kids. So I figured that she was probably married, but I kept going through and couldn't find any pics of any guy. BUT I ended up forgetting about it since she apparently had two kids.

Well a couple of months later I was talking to her and she had one of her kids with her. So during the conversation I thought it would be a good time to bring up the other one. Ends up that she doesn't have two kids. The other kid was a cousin. And she was single. So I started doing jumping jacks in my head.

I wouldn't end up making a move until a few more months later. We ended up meeting up downtown and she followed me home. Which was awesome. And the rest as they say is history. We have been together over 4 years and have more kids together.

I ended up telling her about sneaking into her office after we were married. She freaked out, but chilled out pretty quick.

Another Office Prank

2009-06-17T15:16:00.000-05:00

After reading this blog you will find that I have a lot of extra time on my hands. But a lot of stuff happens regardless. Anyways the extra time I always find ways to fill my day with office pranks. Because there is nothing I love more than a good office prank. Well this specific one fell right into my hands and I couldn't let it go.

A lot of people were registering to vote for the upcoming elections and this one guy had to go because his shift was over so he gave his information to his brother. Well as you know if you have ever registered to vote that you have to sign them before you mail them in. Well he wasn't able to sign his so he had his brother sign his. I pointed out how that was a felony, but he even had a picture of his brother signature that he had emailed to him.

Well the guy had no idea that I was aware of anything that had transpired. So the owner of the security company came out the next day. I like to call him dad. Anyways I told him about it so that he could call him and give him a good scare. Which he was all for.

So we called him into the office and I didn't say a word. I planned it all, and when it came down to it I just wanted to admire my perfect office prank.

He sits down and asks whats up. My dad starts off by saying that he got a call from homeland security about one of his guards being apart of some voter fraud. The guard then started to look real nervous and said"Voter Fraud?" My dad continued. "yes apparently they have this photo of your signature that they got on your email as well as your registration card that looks nothing like your real signature" The Guard starts to turn colors and asks "Oh your not allowed to do that?" My dad then told him "No, it is a felony. But the best thing for you to do is go ahead and just turn yourself in."

The guard looks like he is about to break down. I already thought we took it a bit to far, but sensing this my dad told him it was just a prank.

I don't think I can describe the face I got for that from him. Almost like he was going to try and hit me, but so relieved at the same time. He said that he was freaking out and about to just run. We all started laughing out loud and said nah it was just a office prank.

I called him later that day to make sure he was alright. He told me yeah he was fine and that it was a great prank, but now I know he was going to get me back. I said I know and that I am waiting for a good one.

A sleep at the helm

2009-06-01T08:35:00.000-05:00

This is one on my favorite stories. I again wasn't here for it, but I heard about it from two people and read the write ups and incident reports about it. It all happened again in the command center. The post that always has to be manned and all you have to look at are 3 monitors that show all the cameras on site, of nothing happening.

Well there was this one guy who worked it pretty regularly. But he also had the reputation of falling asleep a lot in there, but he had never been caught. Well this time he did, and it ended up being one of the funniest things in the world. And he did not get fired for it either. In fact I think he got moved to 2nd shift soon after this happened.

It all started when one of the guards was going to the command center to give the guy a break. So he could stretch his legs, get something to eat, anything like that before he would be tied down again for another few hours. Well as soon as he walked in the door he found the guy sawing some serious logs. The guy was OUT. So the awake guard leaves and calls the supervisor over to show him, because he didn't know what to do. Apparently he never has heard of cover for me.

So the supervisor walks in there and starts trying to wake him up. He says his name once, twice, three times. The guy is still not stirring. And what happens next everyone swears happened. The supervisor starts yelling his name right in his ear and this dude is still out. He's not playing around, but he is really out of it. They had no idea what to do. If I was there I would of said pour water on him.

The supervisor gets real mad and starts to slap the dude. The guy instantly wakes up and wonders what the hell is going on. They told me to think of someone sleeping really hard and then start banging pots around and watch them freak out. That is what this guy did. So imagine if you will this big burly supervisor type person just slapping this guard back and forth not knowing what the hell is going on and on top of that he is still half asleep.

Is that Oregano or Weed in your Office? Office Prank

2009-05-05T00:22:00.000-05:00

This is one of my best pranks that I played on Sgt. Retodd. I am sure we have established that there is no love lost between the two of us. And the stuff I did, I did because I had back up and if I didn't do a good job in the first place then I would of been out of there.

Me and the facilities manager(before I got on his bad side) hatched a plan to have Sgt. Retodd go outside for some reason and I would go in his office and tape some oregano under his desk and then do a random "drug" search and find his drugs that he had been hiding.

So the Facilities Manager called him on the radio and told him to go outside by the generators and wait for a maintenance guy, and not to leave that spot until he showed up. That is when I made my move. As soon as he was out of eye shot I snuck into his office and taped this little baggy of oregano I got from the cafe under his desk. I then went back to my post and told the facilities manager that he was good to go.

So he called Sgt. Retodd on the radio and said never mind that they aren't going to be able to make it today. Well after talking about it we thought it would be best to wait a day so he didn't get suspicious.

The next day rolled by and right before lunch the boss strolled into the sarges office and said that he had reason to believe that drugs were being stored in his office. Well the sarge was outraged, but said go ahead and look anywhere you like. So the boss looked around a little bit knowing where I hid the baggy, but not wanting to go straight to it.

Well Sarge started to get impatient and asked him is he was done. Boss man said not yet, but what is this. He then pulled the bag of oregano out from under his desk. The look on Sgt. Retodds face was enough to get me through the rest of the week. He really turned green. And his eyes were about as big as dinner plates. We all couldn't hold it in and just started laughing hysterically.

As soon as the Sarge figured out what was going on the color in his face started to return. This also helped me out by accident. He was so pissed off that he left me alone for about a month. Which was like heaven for me at the time.

Office Stories - Office Supervisor Grazing

2009-04-28T06:30:00.000-05:00

This happened a few years ago on the night shift. I wasn’t working the shift, but had first hand knowledge about what was going on. Someone was stealing from the cafe that we have at the office. And this is how we caught them.

I would like to say however that when I worked a post as a guard and it was during the holidays, I myself would sneak into the café for a soda or some chips, but nothing more, and I would only do that once in a blue moon.

Well we got this report from the head of the office café saying that she has been missing a lot of supplies lately and she thinks that someone has been stealing food from her café at night. Well we made some jokes about it being out night supervisor because he almost weighed 400 lbs and would be the most likely suspect, but it was only a joke because he would not be stupid enough to steal from the office…right?

So when he came in that afternoon my boss was talking to him about it, and telling him that he needed to keep an eye out at the café because someone was stealing food from it at night. Well the guy started getting real nervous and started to ask weird questions asking us if we knew who it was and things like that, which he would normally never ask.

But like magic the stealing from the office café had stopped over night. So it was pretty obvious who it was. But what we didn’t know was that he had an accomplice. After a few weeks it had started again. We had another guard that was told to watch him, and what he found was the funnies thing. Not only was the 400 lb guard sneaking into the café to graze. So was another 350 lb guard that we had working the night shift with him.

So they would spend hours just munching on food at night. After we discovered this we reported it, and again like magic nothing happened. But it still was funny watching 700 lbs stalking the café in the middle of the night. The office café never knew what happened.

The Office Games

2009-04-20T10:45:00.000-05:00

Once a year usually during fall the company I work at will hold corporate games. Which includes things like basketball, tug-o-war, and things like that. They also serve beer at this thing too. I have been at this office for almost 5 years now, so I have been through 4 of them by now. We are not allowed to partake in the game though since we are vendors. Anyways we always thought someone would get hurt, but every year we came out of it unscathed. Maybe some heat exhaustion, but nothing serious. NOT THIS YEAR.

A few security guards went out to where they were holding the office games, and as soon as we got there someone was saying that someone else had a burn and that they were looking for us. Well we ended up finding that female and she had got a rug burn on her knee. Which I thought was hilarious and made a joke about it as soon as she was out of earshot.

So we thought that was the excitement for the day. Not a chance. We are sitting in the shade watching everyone else make idiots of themselves and we see these people running towards us, calling for us. They said someone was hurt really bad. We went to where a crowd had gathered and when we got there we saw this guy laying there with his knee looking a different direction than where it was supposed to.

We called 911 and had them show up to come and get this guy. We don't have anything for that in our little medical bags and the last thing I was going to do is move him. So they get out there and start working on him when we get another call about someone maybe having a broken ankle.

Thankfully EMS was already there so they wouldn't have to go far to pick this girl up to if it became a problem. She ended up just having a sprained ankle, but everyone else was freaking out. We gave her some ice packs and she said someone was coming to pick her up to take her to get X-Rays.

They ended up calling off the office games after that though since they don't need anyone else trying to get workers comp. So I think this was the last office games that they are going to hold. Which kinda sucks because I liked the free food, since they wouldn't give me any beer.

Crazy, Crazy I tell you

2009-04-02T09:35:00.000-05:00

Talk about one crazy hour. With working here things are really slow or they all come down at once.

We got a call about a recent termination loitering around the site. We asked who the individual was since we were not notified of any recent terms. They told us the name and he was still active in all our databases. We thought great how long has this guy been gone and we didn't know about it. So we deactivated him in our databases and went on the man hunt to try and find this guy.

After about 30 minutes of searching the premises we finally came to the conclusion that either this guy saw us and left in a hurry, or the person might of been imagining things and thought they saw the person when they really didn't. We then put a BOLO out to all the guards.

Then someone came in and said this person has just been terminated and he is in the front lobby going crazy. So we went up to lobby and what she said was an understatement. That guy was going nuts. He hadn't even worked out here for a month yet. And when those type of people see security they either do one of two things. They calm down and quietly leave or they go even more nuts and try to fight. Well this guy didn't calm down. He ran down the hall though.

After having to catch him and sit him back down he wanted to talk to the person who fired him. We said we would give her a call which we did and she said nope and that he needs to be escorted off site. So we told that she said no and that he has to go. We then asked him if he was waiting for his ride or if he had his own vehicle. He said he had his own. I think the presence of 3 guards standing around him did start to calm him down.

He then walked out the door and we were watching him, then he made the turn and started coming back to try and get back inside. We met him outside again to head him off and told him he had to leave. He thought about it for a few minutes then I guess thought it best to go ahead and leave. He got in his vehicle and drove like a bat outta hell off site.

We hate doing that as guards because we really do bad about it, but it is our job. Now there are some super cops who really enjoy it, but we try to shy away from those guys as much as possible.

Office Prank - The sky is falling...With Glitter?

2009-03-31T00:39:00.000-05:00

This was another good ole prank that we played on Sgt. Retodd. I was tired of him making my life a living hell so I wanted to return the favor in the best way I knew possible. By getting ahead. And that is what I like to live by. Don't worry about getting even...Get ahead.

The basis of this plan was simple. We had to sneak into his office and put this stockpile of glitter in his vent. That way when he turned the air on it would push all that glitter and it would go everywhere in his office.

Problem is how to do this when he was around. Well we decided to make a quick move when he went on patrol. So when he went out we made our move. He kept locking his door. You would think he would know that, that wouldn't stop me. By this time I had become a experienced locksmith...Plus I had the master key.

So we make our move. We run the ladder in and I get up there and run into a small problem. To get into the vent I had to cut into the duct. Something that I had not anticipated. But do you think that would stop me? Nope. I make a quick move and get some box cutters and make a big enough hole to get it all in there. Then put some electrical tape to seal it back up.

But time was running out, and it was taking longer that I had originally thought. But I was able to get it done in time. Just barely though.

Now I wasn't in there at the time the air came back on in his office, but I can tell you this. When he walked out, you need sunglasses to look at him because he was so shiny. I told him that it was a improvement. He just turned around and walked out the door for the day. So I took a look in his office and it looked like a sheet of snow had covered his office. It was just very sparkly snow.

Again I got permission from the boss man before I did this prank so I wouldn't get into to much trouble. But this guy really did have it coming to him. And I enjoyed being the person to make sure he got it.

Falling asleep at work - I was just resting my eyes

2009-03-25T09:35:00.000-05:00

This happened way back in April of 2007. On the site we have what you call a command center. This is where all the monitors are located for the cameras around the site. And they also made it a rule that you can not leave that post unattended for any reason. If you have to go to the restroom then you have to call another guard to come and relieve you. It is a bit crazy I know, but you have to listen to the client, and that's what they wanted.

Well we work on 8 hour shifts and sometimes 10 and 12. Can you imagine being stuck to one spot for that long? Now think if you had to work the night shift so your already tired and your just watching the most boring thing on these monitors. Nothing absolutely nothing went on. Every now and then you would see a guard doing their rounds.

Well at the time we had a night supervisor who ruled the night with an iron fist. But he was also the type of person that you have to do what he says, not what he does. Which is the most infuriating type of person for me to deal with. And I never really had to deal with him.

Well this on night in April there was this guard working the command center. The supervisor walked in and saw him with his eyes closed. So he of course blew up on him for sleeping and also sleeping in the most important post on the site. And they gave him a write up for it. And a few days later I got my hands on the write up to see what it said. And what I read was priceless.

There was a little box where it says employee statement. And all it said was the following.
I was just resting my eyes.

Caught with your pants down

2009-03-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

This didn't happen to me, but it did happen to another guard and became a instant classic. And what is even funnier is that at the end of the story this guard missed something that was pretty funny. Probably because he was so embarrassed.

It all started one night during winter. This guard apparently had bought some long johns that he could wear under his uniform since he worked the night shift and it was colder during that time when he had to do external patrols. Well during that night he decided to duck into a privacy room so he could change and put his long johns on.

Well after he started to change he was able to put his shirt back on, but when he was messing with his pants he heard a key go into the door and unlock it. And a female and male employee ended up opening the door and seeing this guard with his pants down.

As you can imagine they quickly closed the door and the guard finished getting dressed. When he walked out the door the two employees were sitting there waiting for him to finish up. He embarrassingly informed them that he had to use the room to change since it was so cold outside. He also said that they didn't seem to concerned.

But look at what he missed. He observed a male and female employee trying to sneak into a privacy room together. What do you think they were planning on doing. We had reports of someone getting down with some hanky panky the week before and he let them walk in right in front of him. Now that's funny I don't care who you are.

One Weird Employee

2009-02-17T09:35:00.000-06:00

This employee has two great stories about him. He was an actually employee for the company that we were doing security for. So he was not a guard, but he did like to hang out with the guards apparently. I knew him a little bit and he always tried to get me to go out with him, but I never did just because I didn't have a good feeling about it. Maybe these two stories are the reason why.

First one had to deal with my old coworker that I worked with when I first got out here. Apparently he went out drinking with the guy and they went back to this guys apartment to continue drinking or something I am fuzzy on the details since I wasn't there. But at some point I think my friend figured out what was going on, and supposedly found a little pill in his drink. And the guy was just staring at him to drink it. So he said he drank it, but kept the pill in his mouth and then pretended to throw up.

And for some reason and somehow he ended up pretending he was asleep. And the guy tried feeling him up, but then he magically woke up and left before he could do anything to him. You can take it for what it's worth, but weird none the less.

Second involved super cop. It started out with supercop asking this guy if he was going to a party that the company was throwing later that night. The guy told him that he was going to a different party with his friends where he could drink and smoke. And then supposedly made the gesture and insinuation that he intended to smoke weed. After the guy left the supercop went right to the facilities manager and told him what had just happened.

The guy ended up getting fired because of it. I was thinking though, the guy might of just been playing around and nothing was proven against him. They found something else wrong that he did, like maybe being late one day and got rid of him that way.

Emergency Vs. Bathroom Breaks

2009-02-02T10:56:00.000-06:00

If you read this blog then you have already met this guy. He is the guy with to many things to name. Well he did something the other day that I thought was so stupid that I had to rant about it. The thing is this was the second time he has done such a thing.

His main post at the office is in the command center. Which has all the cameras and the emergency line and everything else that is security related. Anyways this one time we had a emergency call and had to respond. I forget what was wrong with the guy, but we had to EMS to transport him for it. Well we are in the middle of helping EMS transport him. They have him on the gurney and we are holding doors open for them and keeping people back while the wheel him out of the office. And we get this call on the radio from this guy. He says " I need a bathroom break. Can someone please relieve me?"

We all had our hands full and we looked at each other, and looked over at this main client who signs the contracts. He was not happy to say the least. The guy knew what was going on and could see that we were all busy with an emergency and he was calling for a break. Well after it was all said and done with he ended up getting written up. Which with the company we work for means absolutely nothing.

So a few months go by and we get another emergency call. We respond and it was during some event that the office was having that day. We had to get the ambulance in the middle of the scene and get everyone back. While we are doing this he gets back on the radio and does the same exact thing. He asks for a break. BUT he had a big attitude this time. Well we have this guard that is afraid when a emergency is going on so he sees this as his chance to get away. The next thing I know we are short one person.

After about 15 minutes we had the situation in hand and I look over and the guard who so desperately needed a break was getting free food. While we are all dealing with this emergency, and when we were already short handed. My supervisor was beyond pissed this time.

It is still being discussed whether he will get written up, suspended, fired, or nothing. If I was a betting man. Which I am I would have to say nothing will happen. The security company I work for you can't get fired, you can't even get paroled out.

Inauguration day Obama 2009 at the office Pt 3

2009-01-20T10:06:00.002-06:00

This is the continuation of the previous post where I will be updating throughout the day or my crazy and possibly racist supervisor. I hope you enjoy he is really on point today. I apologize if something are repeated, but he likes to repeat himself ALOT. And I hate to admit it, but this 100% real.

10:11 A.M. Asking everyone who walks into the office if they are going to watch Ob-a-a-a-a-ama's inauguration.

10:13 A.M. Talking about everyone needs to send tea bags to everyone in the government again. Said if everything wasn't frozen over then they would put tea bags in all the fountains in Washington today.

10:14 A.M. Wondering if he is going to get a tax credit for all the trees he has at his place when they put the carbon tax in place. And you are going to start having to record the miles you drive so they can tax you on that now. They are going to watch you with their satellites.

10:17 A.M. Now he wants to look into getting radar absorbing paint for his vehicle so Obama can't track him.

10:18 A.M. My supervisor now says Obama's big announcement will be that everyone gets new Cadillacs.

Well he has been distracted by real work for now. But that should be gone soon, and we will be back in business.

10:56 A.M. Talking about how could Bono sing on Oprah when he is Irish. Then looks at the TV and says it is the million man march all over again.

10:59 A.M. He is now saying he had a ticket to go to Obama's inauguration, but decided not to go because he was busy. Busy doing what I have no idea.

11:02 A.M. He forgot to wear his black armband today that he was planning on wearing. So now he is upset about that.

And Obama Has been Sworn in as the 44th President of the United States.

Inauguration day Obama 2009 at the office Pt 2

2009-01-20T09:14:00.002-06:00

This is the continuation of the previous post where I will be updating throughout the day or my crazy and possibly racist supervisor. I hope you enjoy he is really on point today. I apologize if something are repeated, but he likes to repeat himself ALOT. And I hate to admit it, but this 100% real.

9:20 A.M. Announces the new regime will have the Internet filtered by this afternoon and you will no longer be able to use it to look up past events and so on.

9:22 A.M. Now says he will believe in Obama if he puts the previous administration in jail.

9:25 A.M. A chorus of Ob-a-a-a-a-ma has broken out in the office.

9:27 A.M. Is talking about finding another planet to go live on. I am serious about this one too.

9:31 A.M. Is on a rant about how Obama coverage is taking over his local news.

9:33 A.M. He now says he has a problem with Hope when it is false. Like with Obama.

9:36 A.M. Asks me how I am going to spend my one year of compulsory service that I am going to be forced to do. I told him that I am going to spend it snitching on people like him. He then replied that he will be dead because they are going to have to get rid of all the baby boomers.

9:40 Is now looking for his tin foil hat.

9:41 A.M. He hears rumors that Obama wears bloomers.

9:42 A.M. Again tells me to remember to send a tea bag to Obama on Feb 1st.

9:44 A.M. He says that the major announcement from Obama is that he has 4 years to save the world from global warming. So he is going to have to tax your breathing and the amount of animals you have.

9:57 A.M. Another Ob-a-a-a-a-ma Chorus breaks out again. No complaining on how much they spent on the inauguration. Says they should of given the money to the banks since they need it so bad.

10:00 A.M. Talking about how he saw somewhere that hey are selling Obama dildos online.

10:01 A.M. Blames the market being down today on Obama.

10:05 A.M. Says the real reason the economy is down is so people will join the military.

Inauguration day Obama 2009 at the office

2009-01-20T08:17:00.003-06:00

I will be doing a live blog today throughout the day, and then post it at the end of the business day. The reason for this is because I have a conspiracy theorist and half racist supervisor and I think fun will be ensued. Some of the things he says you might even agree with, others are just funny. And of course I will be saying odd stuff all day long just to set him off.

I arrived at 8 A.M. and I come into the office and I am greeted with the following. Hello it is a dark day in American History today. No matter how you look at it.

8:15 A.M. He is on the phone with another guard talking crap about Obama such as he is just another politician so he is a liar, and Obama is going just be a one term wonder.

8:25 A.M. Now he is saying who will be president in 2012? Obama...So since the world is going to end in 2012 he is definitely is the Anti-Christ.

8:37 A.M. Saying Obama repeatedly like a sheep. Ob-a-a-a-ama Ob-a-a-a-a-ma

8:40 A.M. Now he is saying on Feb 1st to mail everyone in congress one tea bag. And to Obama. Then it will send a message. He also says he would support him if he would just the the country is insolvent. Then he ends it with another Ob-a-a-a-a-ma.

8:41 A.M. Message to Obama, when in a hole, first thing to do is quit digging. With another Ob-a-a-a-ama.

8:42 A.M. I have just realized this is going to be a long day. He says did you know that Obama was black?

8:45 A.M. Talking about how everyone is going to have the grab the ankles as soon as Obama is sworn in. And another reference to tea bags. Also already blames the banking issues on Obama.

8:48 A.M. Now saying Obama is going to bring all the banks and nationalize them. Then pronounces welcome to the U.S.S.A.

8:49 A.M. Says all of congress should take a pay cut of 20% to help with the economic downturn. I might have to agree with him on that.

8:53 A.M. Tells me I better get in shape for Obama youth brigade.

8:55 A.M. Now he is telling me he needs to go to academy to buy more ammo before Obama puts in an executive order to halt all sales on Ammo and firearms.

8:57 A.M. Is now telling me Obama's first speech will be him coming out and telling the world he is really white. He has just been using spray on tan.

9:03 A.M. He now takes a cigarette and says he might as well enjoy this last one before they carbon tax him for breathing air.

I have figured out I will need to post these once and hour since he is really on today. Updates throughout the day.

Handicap Parking

2009-01-15T09:35:00.000-06:00

Now I am with everybody on this when people are not handicap park in a handicap space. It is just wrong on so many levels. Lately where I am at the cops have been cracking down on it. Fines have tripled for it when people park in those spaces. Which I agree with.

Anyways one day we got this call on our radio saying a constable was seen driving around our parking lot. Which sometimes happen when they have to serve papers and things like that. Then we get another call on the radio from one of the guards saying that he needed the address to the building, because the cop was writing a ticket.

At this time I got up to go see what all the hub bub was about. I got out there and this constable was just finishing writing a ticket for someone parked in the handicap space. It was a new car so no LP on it, but it didn't have any stickers on it either. Well all these people were standing around applauding what the cop was doing and they were talking about why people do that.

They had the name for the individual who was about to receive this ticket. And they told me the name and I couldn't help but laugh. And had to tell them that the individual that was getting the ticket for parking in the handicap space was actually in a wheel chair. That his sign was on his plates and since it was a new car and didn't have any plates on it that would be why it he didn't have any stickers.

I deflated the entire crowd and the cop was nice enough though to take away the ticket. And we actually ran into the guy as soon as we walked into the building and they went and talked to him. I think it was funny that they were going to give a ticket to someone in a wheelchair for parking in the handicap space. But I do have to say again that the cop was very nice about it and took the ticket away.

Office Story - Slap a deer on the Butt

2009-01-08T14:38:00.000-06:00

When I was working nights I would get off of work at about midnight every night. It was early in my career when there was not that many people working out here. So in turn there would be a bunch of deer all around the property. They were really cool to watch some nights when things were really slow. But they were super fast of course and as always paid close attention to their surroundings and if anything moved then they were outta there quick.

Well one night we saw this one and I dared the guy I was working with to be able to run to it and be able to touch it before it could get away. He took the bet and that deer beat him by a mile. Which was good because this guy was always bragging about how good he was at everything so of course he thought he would be able to catch the deer.

A couple of nights after that bet he said to me that he bet I wouldn't even get as close to the deer as he did. And I am not confident about much, but I am confident about how fast I am. I didn't think I was fast enough to catch a deer, but I knew I would be able to beat him. Well I thought wrong.

When we got off of work that night we saw a bunch of deer, but one had something stuck to his antlers. It was white and bulky. I don't know how, but he got stryofoam stuck to his antlers and was trying to get off. Which probably is the reason I was able to do what I was about to attempt to do.

I took off running at this deer. And most of the other deer noticed me immediantly and tok off. But this guy was so busy trying to mess with this thing on his head that he didn't notice me until it was to late. Now I personally would never hurt another animal, I have never hunted, but I have gone fishing. Anyways he finally did notice me, but I was so close there was nothing that he could do. I actually ended up grabbing that stryofoam off of his antlers that he had stuck, and right before he took off a gave him a little slap on the butt.

My coworker was astounded. He couldn't believe what he just saw. He thought I was the fastest person he ever met, when in truth it was just because the deer couldn't tell what was going on because he had a foreign object stuck to him. But he told everyone how I ran faster than this deer and slapped him on the butt and he was witness to it.