One little flower

Learning to code

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Mon, 20 May 2019 11:42:00 +0000

My brother recently suggested that we work on developing a helper app for a board game that we both play, as it'd be useful and, more importantly, give us a good excuse to do something together. (As parents of large families with young kids, it can be pretty difficult finding time to actually do this!) There was just one little problem with his suggestion—he's a software engineer; I am most definitely not. The only computer related class I took in college was a freshman intro to computers class, which was about as exciting as it sounds.

Ok, that's a little misleading. I've been messing around with computers since I was a little kid (including dabbling with several incarnations of BASIC), and have done a few of those online interactive language introductions (such as JavaScript). In college I worked for a small company where, among other things, I was their "computer guy" by virtue of knowing more about computers than anyone else, so I was responsible for networking, installation, and general troubleshooting.

Anyway, my brother wants to write this new app in C#, so I figured that if I'm to be of any actual assistance, I'd better learn the language! I ran through the relevant interactive intro courses on Codecademy and SoloLearn, which is roughly equivalent to reading the rules of chess but not actually playing a game.

We hadn't yet found time to get together and work on the project, so I considered what to do next in order to keep learning. A couple of years ago, after doing the JavaScript intro, I had started working on a console version of FreeCell, as it seemed like an appropriate learning challenge: clear, but uncomplicated rules, but also non-trivial to implement (at least for someone of my experience). I hadn't ever finished that project, so I thought it would be nice to do it in C#.

Shortly after I started working on that, my wife and I had a new baby! After coming home from the hospital, I started getting up at 3am to take care of him, so my wife could get some uninterrupted sleep, and I needed something to keep my mind off, well, sleeping. Working on this C# program was a great project for these early morning hours, and I made a lot of progress!

We'll call that phase 1 of learning to program in C#. Here are a few of the key things I learned (in no particular order):

When I was "learning" JavaScript, I was just using an online code editor, which had some built in formatting features and error detection, but nothing like Intellisense in Visual Studio, which I've been using for C#. A feature like Intellisense is pretty amazing.
It's amazing for several reasons: one, it helps reduce the drudgery of repeatedly typing the same sorts of things over and over again. (I'm not talking about code re-use here, but basic things like names) Two, it helps reveal to the novice (me) the internal logic of the language by showing me the sorts of things the compiler is looking for. Three, by reminding me of the arguments required by different methods. There is value in making errors, in that they are an opportunity for learning (and learning more concretely), but too many errors just leads to frustration and negatively impacts learning. Intellisense doesn't do the programming for me, as I still have to choose the correct options and use them correctly once I have them on the page.
I was at first frustrated by the fact that C# is much more strongly typed than JavaScript, as it made certain trivial things more difficult. However, at a certain point in writing my JavaScript program, I had started to encounter unexpected behavior which took a long time to figure out, and some of it was due to implicit type conversion happening "under the hood". C# has been making me work harder to get things set up, but this has had the very important effect of making me think more carefully about what my variables and objects are doing! Rather than just stabbing at particular outcomes, I am thinking more about how the computer "thinks" about things.
Oh dear, there is a lot more to learn! Continuing with the chess analogy I used earlier, I now know the basic rules, and have learned the basic principles of development (a term applicable to both chess and software!), but I am almost completely ignorant of combinations or structure.

Working on my C# console version of FreeCell (which is now basically complete), I had to repeatedly consult reference materials in order to figure out good solutions to individual challenges. The process of trying to solve those was very educational--much better than doing pre-built exercises!

I may revisit the FreeCell project in order to explore user interface development (a text-based card game is pretty clunky), but for now I'm moving on. My next personal project will be re-writing a a spreadsheet "app" I made many years ago, which I called "Improv Randomizer", which takes a variety of categories of musical forms and features, and within each category generates a random option to be used as a creative constraint in improvisation exercises. Unlike FreeCell, I am not aware of any actual apps that do this, so there is a (slight) real-world purpose to this project! The logic of the program is fairly simple (randomly access list elements), so the main learning challenge will be developing the UI. Even a simple Windows UI would be an improvement over my current spreadsheet version (although I could probably improve the spreadsheet version too).

Reflection on the Passion of Our Lord

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 05:31:00 +0000

Oh Jesus,

You humbled yourself to the point of death, death upon the cross. Yet, even as the thorns were fashioned into a crown, so the cross became your throne, upon which you became the Savior and King of the world. The nails became your scepter, with which you destroyed the power of sin and death, casting down him who had made himself prince of this world.

This prince, that ancient dragon who even now seeks to devour those who would be your subjects and disciples – what power does he have before you? Could you not have vanquished all your foes with a single word? You who could have summoned legions of angels to do battle for you – why did you choose thorns, cross and nails as your weapons instead?

You possessed everything, but you poured yourself out to the point of becoming as nothing. Through you, the universe was created, but you put yourself into the hands of mortal man. You would not even boast of the brilliance of this plan, for in all things your only concern was to do the will of the Father. You did not insist on your own methods, your own way, but instead prayed, “Not my will but yours be done.”

What then do you mean when you say to us, “If anyone would be my disciple, he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me”?

To rejoice in doing the will of the Father as though it were better than possessing all the treasures of the world? To become as a servant to all? To put aside the pursuits of pride and seek humility? To pour out my life as an offering of love?

Oh Jesus, this is too great a thing for me! I cannot carry my cross – I am too weak and afraid. If I were to try to carry it on my own and make my own path with it, as soon as put it on my shoulder I would drop it and run away. I need you to come alongside me, behind and before me, and lay upon my shoulders that cross that you have fashioned for me, so that my burden might be light and easy, that I might learn from you and find eternal rest for my soul.

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 05:22:00 +0000

Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!" (John 21:19 NIV)

Sometimes, I am of the opinion that being fabulously successful under the world's definition is how God wants me to best glorify Him. But here, John states that it is Peter's death that would glorify God (this is not to say that nothing else that Peter would do would bring glory to God). Perhaps we should devote more thought to how our death can be an opportunity for God to be glorified. And of course, the days and months and years preceding that time, all the way to the present as well.

The Call of Wisdom

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 06:51:00 +0000

The Call of Wisdom

Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
On the heights along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
beside the gates leading into the city,
at the entrances, she cries aloud:

“To you, O men, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, gain understanding.
Listen, for I have worthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.
My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.
All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
To the discerning all of them are right;
they are faultless to those who have knowledge.
Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,
for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.

“I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
I possess knowledge and discretion.
To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have understanding and power.
By me kings reign
and rulers make laws that are just;
by me princes govern
and all nobles who rule the earth.
I love those who love me
and those who seek me find me.
With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
bestowing wealth on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.”
(Proverbs 8:1-21 NIV)

Blessed is the man,
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners,
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
(Psalm 1:1-3 NIV)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
(Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

“He who as hears to hear, let him hear.
(Mark 4:9 NIV)

To what, to whom am I listening throughout the hours of the day? From whom do I receive instruction in the way that I should live? What thoughts and ideas form the internal dialog between my heart and mind? What do I contemplate as I dream about life?

To push those questions in the direction of the passages quoted above: Do I welcome, do I love the Wisdom of God, or do I instead love the wisdom of another? What do I delight in – every word that comes from the mouth of God, or do I delight more in hearing the voice of another? Do I take to heart the instruction of Jesus and learn from him, or do I resist his direction and follow the way of another?

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life. . . [emphasis mine]
(Deuteronomy 30:19-20a NIV)

Which life will I choose?
Which life will you choose?

Behold, he stands at the door and knocks

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 19:47:00 +0000

I have truly fallen far from you, Jesus, though not in the way I would normally mean by "falling" -- it is more that I am aware that my love has grown cold. A prideful voice in me suggests that this awareness is due to some heightened spiritual sensitivity on my part, and that I should give myself some credit for it. Yet who am I that I should boast of spiritual sensitivity? I have done little to increase in that and much to cause a deadening of my senses. No, any sensitivity is purely the work of Grace. It is you, calling me back from the brink of destruction, warning me that I am about to fall headlong into the vast ocean of my passions.

The desires in my heart are breeding and growing out of control. You stand at the door and knock, offering my soul that excellent medicine which is your very self -- perhaps that is why I am avoiding you, because I have grown attached to my present state and realize that letting you in will mean the death of these disordered desires. At least, that is the perception, though in fact you bring order and redemption to the desires of the heart.

Right now there is a certain agony, for I know you are near; I can hear you knocking, calling from just a short distance away. Such tension is unbearable; I will not be able to last much longer. When I can bear it no more, I will either go and open the door and let you in, or I will run away and stop my ears so that I can pretend you are not there. Which will I choose to do? O God do not abandon me! Do not let me stray far from your side, but come and rescue me. If I flee from your presence, come and find me and call me once again.

I am confident of this: You will follow me all the way to the gates of hell itself and extend your hand to me, that I might grasp your hand and be saved. O God, may I have the strength to cry out to you in the hour of my death!

Humility

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 23:23:00 +0000

From 1st Peter 5:

All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. (vss. 5b-6 NIV)

How do I clothe myself with humility? How do I humble myself? Every time I attempt to do so, by this means or that means, I find myself taking credit for it. And even if I give God credit for accomplishing something in me, in my heart I become proud of the fact that I gave credit to God for helping me be humble. And if I give credit to God for helping me give credit to him. . . . the same result. Everywhere I turn, my pride confronts me.

Even in writing this, I find myself admiring myself, saying, "Ahh, what wisdom, what self-knowledge, what humility" and deep-down hoping that others might think the same.

I don't know how to humble myself, for if I do it, I will take credit for it. How do I boast in my weaknesses, without regarding such boasting to be my strength, and so defeat the entire purpose?

I am hesitant to ask God to give me a humility found apart from my efforts, because I suspect that my pride is like a deadly cancer growing within me which can only be removed by painful surgery. I'd rather it'd be as simple as pressing a button and having it removed in a moment — no pain, no struggle, no loss.

But why should I consider myself better than Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who,

Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him. . . (Hebrews 5:8-9)

Indeed, Peter instructs us earlier in his letter:

Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. (1 Peter 4:1-2)

Lest I confuse this attitude with dejection and self-pity, as if sighing to myself "Woe is me, for I am suffering", he goes on to say:

Rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed (4:13)

Dejection in the face of suffering would be the response of pride, which wishes that I did not have to undergo suffering, because it thinks that I should be better than to need it. Rejoicing is the response of humility, for it recognizes that my soul is in desperate need of healing, and that this suffering is its medicine and path to union with God.

I cannot dispense the necessary medicine to myself, for I am incapable of knowing the correct prescription for my needs, nor can I operate on myself. Instead, I will simply have to be silent and wait for Him to do as he will.

For a Woman

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 05:23:00 +0000

Remember, Daughter of Eve
Do not forget, O Woman –
Many are the years that have passed upon the earth
Flowers faded, forests grown, mountains crumbled
And memories become like mist.
The stories told are often tales
Of darkness or even soulless gray,
But it was not always so.
And now the Light has dawned,
Life is come, the gift is giv’n.
The Morningstar rises,
Eden glimpsed again.

Who is this that rages now?
He with empty, burning gaze,
That dragon, mankind’s bitter foe.
He desires your ruin, the ruin of your soul.
O Daughter of Eve, keep your guard!
O Woman, with such wonder were you made!
Crowning beauty of God’s creation!
Though you fell into death’s dark grasp,
The weight of sin upon your soul –

Look! Your Savior comes!
Conqu’ring death itself, he storms the darkened keep
And wakes his Sleeping Beauty with a tender kiss.
And now you, O Princess,
You whose name is Precious One, Beloved,
Daughter of the King,
Remember!

Remember who you are.
Heed not the dragon’s lies.
Do not listen to his clever tales.
He will try to enchant you,
To put you under his spell of darkness,
To cause your soul to sleep
And slip away into death,
To forget the One who created you,
The One who claims you as his own,
To fill your eyes with deep shadows
That you might forget the light,
Or, still rememb’ring, to despair of seeing it again.
He does not want you to know, nor to understand
That you were created for life, for love
That God has endued you with beauty
Beauty that radiates from your soul –
You are a reflection of the glory of God.

Written 7/13/04 Rev. 10/27/04

Darkened Glimpse of Splendor

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 18:06:00 +0000

O Lord, who adorns the sky with galaxies
and fills the heavens with golden moon and stars,
"What is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?"
The earth is yours, and everything in it;
nothing was made apart from you.
Truly, all of creation declares your glory
and the heavens sing your praise.
Yet neither the rising and setting of the sun
nor the waxing and waning of the moon
nor the glistening of the dew at dawn's first light
nor the gleaming jewels formed by winter's breath --
none of these reflections of your beauty can compare with the radiance of your glory;
they are but a darkened glimpse of your splendor.

O Mangum Mysterium

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 05:04:00 +0000

†
O great mystery of Love! I possess the one who possesses me.
I possess all, for I am possessed by the Blessed Trinity
†

Longing

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 00:31:00 +0000

The sight of the silver moon entranced my heart, inspiring thoughts of devotion. In my joy I almost failed to see that her beautiful light was but a dim reflection of the radiance of another. I sought the moon, but the moon showed me that her beauty was but a glimpse of a far greater glory. If I can rejoice in seeing her, how much more can I rejoice in the rising of the sun?

†

Psalm 27:4
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple

Psalm 42:1-2
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

Psalm 63:1
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

†

Little Flowers

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 05:48:00 +0000

I am just one of many little flowers which have sprung up from the seed of grace planted in the garden of God, watered by streams and showers of grace. In short, everything I am is pure grace. . .

May it please God that I might remain in the company of the other little flowers, and in the company of the little flower. . .

The grass withers, and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever. Only those flowers planted firmly in the Word of God shall grow more bright and beautiful with the dawning of each new day. . .

Thérèse, pray for us.

Loving your sister

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Wed, 05 Apr 2006 04:21:00 +0000

Based on an email I wrote to a friend:

In further explanation of my position, my firm belief is that, in the words of St. Thérèse, there is really only one vocation: to Love. The other vocations - priesthood, "religious life", marriage - are but temporary manifestations of that one vocation. They are temporary in the sense that they exist for this earthly life as an anticipation of the life that is to be revealed at the end of time.

"Treat. . . younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." In a way, if I am married to a woman, I need to keep in mind that above all, she is my sister in Christ. The bonds of marriage end with death, but she is my sister in Christ for eternity. I could phrase it in an analgous way to how I explained vocations above: marriage is a temporary manifestation of the call to love a particular woman as my sister in Christ.

So, in regards to any sister in Christ, the question is not whether or not to love her, but how does God want me to love her.

"Treat. . . younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." I must have a "passion for purity." By God's grace, I am to keep in the forefront of my mind that she is my sister, and that the goal is to see her fall more deeply in love with Jesus. True love must want what God wants, and the one who truly loves desires that the other should follow Jesus wherever he leads them.

And really, should that not be my goal with everyone I meet? May God help me to do so.

Prepare your minds for action

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Mon, 06 Mar 2006 05:09:00 +0000

†

From the Gospel of Luke:

The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop. (8:14-15. All Scripture references are NIV)

The parallel account in the Gospel of Mark talks about "the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things" (4:19).

Is that me? Is the Word of God in my life choked by my worries and the deceitfulness of wealth? Is the working of the Holy Spirit in my life inhibited because I am filled with desires for other things? Does this letter I wrote in 2004 apply to me?

Ah, my friend! How long it has been since I have enjoyed your presence! I have seen you passing by and I have heard your voice from across the way, but, I've been too busy to stop and talk. We do talk in the morning at work everyday, but that's just business talk. Its important for me to focus on the upcoming project, so I can't afford to really listen to you unless your telling me something that relates to my project. People think that we're the best of friends 'cause I talk about you a lot. Most of the time though I talk about you when I get in discussions with other people. It's easier for me to convince people when I can tell you that you agree with me, and that way, when they don't listen to me, I can pass it off and tell them that really they aren't listening to you.

Or can this describe me?

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers. (Ps 1:1-3)†

Over the past few months I have grown increasingly irritated with myself. I can make St. Paul's words fully my own: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." What have I been doing, that I keep falling in the same way to the same temptations?

As I have struggled with this, God has slowly been revealing to me what I think is the root cause of this problem:

Without him, I can do nothing. It really isn't an issue of trying harder, or praying more, or cutting bad influences out of my life, although those actions can be very helpful. But the actions themselves, as performed by me, are powerless. Satan didn't need MTV and the internet to fall from heaven. And he didn't have a lack of significant interaction with God. He just had to turn away from God.

This Lent began with a call: "Repent and believe." In a narrow sense, I ought to repent of specific sins, and I should believe in the truths contained in Sacred Scripture and Tradition. But I think I need to respond to that call in a broader sense. "To repent" means to turn away, and in Scripture it means to turn away from sin and back to God. "To believe" is not just an intellectual assent to a set of propositions, but to say "Yes!" to Jesus and to all that he wills for me.

Repenting is not a wistful looking back over the shoulder towards God. No, it is a turning to God with my whole being, with all that I am. And believing happens when Jesus calls me to jump into the ocean of God's Love and I do it, even though I don't know how to swim. I just let go and entrust myself to him.

Why am I not experiencing the total freedom that Scripture speaks about? Probably because I am not totally repenting and believing! I'm not letting go of the worries of this life, and the desire for other things, so it shouldn't be surprising that the Word doesn't bear as much fruit as it might otherwise.

†

What is it about the worries of this life and the desire for other things that cause them to choke out the Word?

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-bye to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:57-62)

We can replace their words with many others:

"Lord, first let me go and finish school."
"Lord, first let me go and get married."
"Lord, first let me go and find a good job."

And even with very small things:

"Lord, first let me go and finish my homework."
"Lord, first let me go and check on my team at ESPN.com."
"Lord, first let me go and. . ."

None of those things are bad, in and of themselves. But we clutter our minds with all sorts of minor and major preoccupations, and there's no room for the Word to take root in our hearts and grow and flourish.

†

That brings me to the title of this post. I'm starting to think that I have a far more worldly mind than I ever realized. Ready for action? The only action I seem to be prepared for is falling asleep in the moment of temptation, or flat out running into the arms of sin. My mind often feels sluggish, or as if in a cloud, and it becomes hard to remember the things of God. I often care far more about purely earthly, temporary things than those things which will last forever.

That's mediocrity, and I've been settling for it.

In the midst of realizing this last week, a Scripture verse came to mind:

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. (1 Peter 4:7)

How does one be "clear minded"? I don't know exactly, but I don't think it's anything I can do to myself. I have to let the Holy Spirit do that. But first I need to recognize that I need him to do that, and then I need to ask him to do that. As if to point out that this is important for me to consider this right now, several other Scripture passages were brought to my attention:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God -- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the patter of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Rom 12:1-2)

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. (Col 3:1-2)

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. (1 Pet 1:13)

I decided that 1 Peter was so filled with good things for me right now that I was going to memorize it. I started working on it Sunday and I think I've made good progress. There was, however, a surprising (though it shouldn't have been so) effect to this Scripture memorization.

But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers. (Ps 1:2-3)

The precepts of the Lord are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant,
giving light to the eyes. (Ps. 19:8)

In rehearsing the words of 1 Peter in my mind, I was in turn meditating on it, and in meditating on it, it was filling my mind — it was giving light to my eyes. In this state, I went to school this morning and was surprised: both at all the distractions I hadn't noticed very much before and at how much easier it was to deal with temptation.

I want to have the mind of Christ. I want to walk in the Spirit. I want to free to love with all my heart and not be burdened by sin. And just as he is holy, so I want to be holy.

Holy Spirit, fill my heart and my mind with your presence. Teach me how to pray. Teach me how to love. Make me holy.

†

St. Aelred of Rievaulx on Friendship

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 05:07:00 +0000

†

While I’d love to post everyday, I will most likely not have the luxury of doing so. Instead, I shall make a sincere effort to post at least once every week. Toward that end, I will be posting my reflections based on the daily readings from Bert Ghezzi’s “Voices of the Saints” (© 2000, Image Books)

Today, by my calculations, is the 326th day of the year, but I will simply write a reflection based on the very first entry in this book (pg. 2)

†

St. Aelred of Rievaulx (1110 – 1167)

And so praying to Christ for your friend, and longing to be heard by Christ for your friend’s sake, you reach out with devotion and desire to Christ himself. And suddenly and insensibly, as though touched by the gentleness of Christ close at hand, you begin to taste how sweet he is and to feel how lovely he is. Thus from that holy love with which you embrace your friend, you rise to that love by which you embrace Christ.

How glad I am that my own experiences of love and friendship were described by one who lived almost a millennium before! Indeed, it is almost distressing to pray in such a way as this for a friend. I have experienced this first hand. When filled with the “longing to be heard by Christ for your friend’s sake” and with that “holy love with which you embrace your friend” and then expressing it in prayer to Christ, one becomes aware of the development of an intimate connection between them and their friend. This is distressing in our modern age, where we are taught to remain disconnected and isolated, in a world unto ourselves, where autonomy and individuality have supplanted love as chief of the virtues. For, now, because of this intimate connection, one’s fate is in part caught up in that of their friend. They render themselves vulnerable to the other.

Even greater than this is that devotion and desire for Christ which springs up from this love. At first this may come as a surprise, and it may seem that this is merely incidental or secondary, but this is not so. No, for holy love, authentic love, has Christ as its beginning and its end. It streams forth from the heart of the Crucified and returns “from whence it came.” It can only come to be in Christ and it can only find its completion in him.

This shows us how we can tell whether or to what degree true love is present in our hearts. We can ask ourselves, “Does this thing I call ‘love of Christ’ cause an increase in my love of my neighbor? And does this thing I call ‘love of neighbor’ lead to a greater love of Christ?”

A brief reflection on the condition of our love reveals how little is actually present. But if we find ourselves in this condition (and who in this life could ever claim for themselves the perfection of love?), we should not despair. Not at all! Remember that this holy love comes from Jesus. It is not really ours at all. We cannot manufacture it, or cause it to be by mere force of will. Know that Jesus wants to fill us to overflowing with this love. All we need to do is ask him for it and to remain open to receiving it. He will not give it if we do not ask him, and he will not force us to take it, if we do not open our hearts to receive it. So, we ought to pray,

“Jesus, give me an ever greater love for you, for my dear friends, and for my neighbor.”

†

The Vocation to Love

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Tue, 15 Nov 2005 05:04:00 +0000

†

In a previous entry I wrote:

I wonder how it is that I continue finding these Theresian themes cropping up in my life. “My vocation is to love” she said. Perhaps if I had chosen a different saint for my patron when I was confirmed I would have seen the development of things attributed to them instead.

All other vocations must have this vocation as their source. Each of them is but a different expression of the same vocation to love. I can be faithful to my vocation, though I do not know what form it shall take, for it is in the end a vocation to love.

I further resolve that I shall not seek out any particular form of this vocation, but shall trust that he shall reveal his calling in his good time. Indeed, he is already calling me and leading me in the way I should go, though I cannot tell where I am going.

In the absence of a clear call to take decisive action, I shall content myself with remaining as I am. I shall heed the words of St. Paul to the Corinthians (1 Cor 7:24 NIV)

Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.

He continues in vss. 29-31:

What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they are not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

The earth in its present form is passing away. This means that I ought not to do anything for the sake of earthly gain, for any earthly gain will pass away with the earth. I must fix my eyes on what is unseen, on what is eternal, that which does not pass away. What does this mean when it comes to discerning my vocation in life, particularly as concerns whether to marry or to remain unmarried? Jesus says (Matt. 19:11-12):

Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some. . . have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.

The gift of celibacy is clearly a symbolic anticipation of the kingdom of heaven. It proclaims, "We live for more than this life, our destiny reaches beyond the doors of death." What then, is marriage but a concession for incapable of controlling their passions? Certainly it has that function. But let us consider an example from history:

Louis and Zelie were an ordinary man and woman. As young adults, they were both drawn to the religious life and each unsuccessfully sought entrance into a religious community. With that path closed to them, at least for a time, they each settled down in a town in France. After some time, they met each other and were married.

Louis, 34, and Zelie, 26, married and began their remarkable voyage through life. Within the next fifteen years, Zelie bore nine children, seven girls and two boys. "We lived only for them", Zelie wrote; "they were all our happiness". The Martins' delight in their children turned to shock and sorrow as tragedy relentlessly and mercilessly stalked their little ones. Within three years, Zelie's two baby boys, a five year old girl and a six-and-a-half week old infant girl all died. Zelie was left numb with sadness. "I haven't a penny's worth of courage," she lamented. But her faith sustained her through these terrible ordeals. In a letter to her sister-in-law who had lost an infant son, Zelie remembered: "When I closed the eyes of my dear little children and buried them, I felt sorrow through and through....People said to me, 'It would have been better never to have had them.' I couldn't stand such language. My children were not lost forever; life is short and full of miseries, and we shall find our little ones again up above." (Source)

Loius Martin and Zelie Guerin married because of the kingdom of heaven. In their vocation to marriage, they were choosing the way of love, and were living for the world which is to come. Their last child was a girl, one who is known far more widely than either of her parents. They named her Therese — Therese Martin, whom we know as St. Therese, the Little Flower.

It is clear to me that it is not important whether I am called to marriage or celibacy, but that I live out my vocation to love. Whether I am called to marry or to remain unmarried, I shall do so "because of the kingdom of heaven."

How else can I live?

†

Heaven vs. Hell (or Love vs. Fear)

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Thu, 13 Oct 2005 04:01:00 +0000

†

I have no fear of hell, for fear and love cannot co-exist. In fact, it is very simple to avoid hell and reach heaven. But why does Jesus say that narrow is the path to eternal life, and few there are who find it? Because of the pride of our hearts We insist on saying with Lucifer, "I will ascend to the heavens" even thought we are powerless to do so. It is simple because Jesus knows the way to heaven, and his will is to take us to be with him there, and whatever Jesus wills he is able to do. All we have to do is entrust ourselves to him. It is like we are little children and between us and heaven there is a vast wilderness fraught with peril and danger.

While it is simple, we may find it very hard to trust him, for he will carry us through many difficult and tyring experiences. Deserts, "dangers, toils and sanres", dark forests, harsh and rugged mountains, frozen tundra, hordes of enemies, perhaps passing by the gates of the Enemy himself. At each state of the journey we will be tempted to succumb to fear and leap from the arms of Jesus and run away and hide. Or in our spiritual myopia, we may think there is a better way, a safer way.

At each of these moments we must cling to Jesus ever more tightly, we must entrust ourselves to him over and over again. We are not smart enough, wise enough, or strong enough to make our own way. Compared to the greatness of that to which we are called, we can barely move a finger. Indeed, it is not so much we who cling to Jesus more tightly, but he who holds us ever closer — if we ask him. He will not hold us against our will, thought it pains him to see us run away.

But do not fear if you have let go of him and have run away; he will come looking for you. Indeed, he already knows where you are. Listen. . . he is gently calling for you, trying to woo you from your hiding place. Raise your head and open your eyes. . . he is already standing at your side, longing to pick you up and carry you again. And, he will follow you all the way to the gates of hell, trying to woo you back to him.

But he will not prevent you from walking through those gates.

†

Entrusting to Jesus

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 03:58:00 +0000

From a journal entry:

†

Jesus, I need your help. This is too great and wonderful for me. To love another and so to love you more, and to love you and so to love another more. It is possible, is it not? To have this: the more I love the one, the more I love the other. Surely in my heart my great desire is to love without end.

I wonder how it is that I continue finding these Theresian themes cropping up in my life. “My vocation is to love” she said. Perhaps if I had chosen a different saint for my patron when I was confirmed I would have seen the development of things attributed to them instead.

Dear Therese said that she would spend her heaven doing good on earth. Well, I want to spend my earth living as if heaven is already here. It is my firm conviction that it in fact is. “The kingdom of God is within you.” Which is greater, the Lord of the land or the land, the kingdom? The Lord! And does not the Lord of the Kingdom of Heaven dwell within me? Have I not been baptized into his death and become a part of his body? Have I not begun to enter into his very life, or as Peter writes, to be a partaker of the diving nature? So what prevents me from living accordingly?

I do.

I do not want to let go of my pride. . . . I do not fully trust Jesus. My pride says to me, “I am your only sure guarantee that you will not be lost, that your identity will not fade away, that you will be able to maintain your grasp, your hold on being important. If you let go you may be so fully assimilated into Him that both the world and God shall forget you. . . you will not even be a memory.”

While illogical, that is a very compelling argument. For, that is the greatest fear of selfishness: being forgotten by all, especially by the person in whom it resides.

But we do not lose our identity in allowing the love of God to overwhelm us. We do not become oblivious to our own existence.

I have some idea of what it means to love God, and to love my neighbor, but what does it mean to authentically love one’s own self?

I think the key is entrusting, actively entrusting oneself to God. I think that is the key to truly loving another.

All love goes out and returns to its source: God. Whatever love we have finds its first and ultimate source in God. Flowing through us, its natural direction is towards God again.

So to love myself, I place myself in the place which is the source and end of love: the heart of God. I place myself there as a whole being; I give myself to him; I entrust myself to his keeping. From then on, gazing on myself I cannot help but see myself in the context of the Beauty and Love of God. Thus, I do not love myself for my own sake, because my gaze becomes transfixed on the one who holds me.

Likewise with others: If I entrust them to Jesus, insofar as it is for me to do so, I cannot help but see them in the context of the Beauty and Love of Christ. They do not lose their identity, nor I mine – no, rather than being obscured by the light of his Beauty, we are illuminated by it. Not only does it shine upon us, revealing the surface, but so intense is this light that it shines through us, and we become illuminated throughout the whole of our being.

For the full completion of this, we shall have to wait until we are raised to live, but raised incorruptible, even glorified.

Hasten the day, Lord Jesus.

Come Holy Spirit, begin your work in my heart today.

Father, glorify your name.

†

Joy in Suffering

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Tue, 28 Jun 2005 03:56:00 +0000

†
Suffering can be very instrumental in bringing us closer to God. It can help a great deal in making us holier. We can even find joy in our suffering:

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Phil. 3:10-11)

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplines by his father? . . . .Our fathers disciplines us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No disciplines seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Heb. 12:7, 10-11)

"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin." (1 Pet. 4:1)

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Pet. 4:12-13)

"If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name." (1 Pet. 4:14-16)

"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." (1 Pet. 4:19)

Just make sure that your suffering isn't brought on by your own stupidity. . . Some of the suffering we endure in this world is a direct result of our thinking patterns and our habits. We should work to change those things rather than simply bear it.
†

A Forgotten Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Tue, 14 Dec 2004 04:54:00 +0000

†

Ah, my friend! How long it has been since I have enjoyed your presence! I have seen you passing by and I have heard your voice from across the way, but, I've been too busy to stop and talk. We do talk in the morning at work everyday, but that's just business talk. Its important for me to focus on the upcoming project, so I can't afford to really listen to you unless your telling me something that relates to my project. People think that we're the best of friends 'cause I talk about you a lot. Most of the time though I talk about you when I get in discussions with other people. It's easier for me to convince people when I can tell you that you agree with me, and that way, when they don't listen to me, I can pass it off and tell them that really they aren't listening to you.

Sometimes when I'm feeling nostaligc, I get out the old pictures and letters I've received from you. It's great to remember all the good times we used to have, isn't it? Sometimes you made me smile, and sometimes I'd cry. You were always the best at comforting me when things were rough. Just thinking about it is almost like experiencing it all over again.

Well I've gotta go to the discipleship meeting. We're talking about how people don't make Scripture important enough in their lives and what to do about it. I've got some great ideas and I can't wait to share them with the group.

I'm sure I'll see you at Bible study this week. You're gonna be there, right?

†

If you don't recognize this person, read Psalm 1: The blessed man avoids several things, but what is it that he does?

Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Mon, 30 Aug 2004 03:50:00 +0000

Throughout the Scriptures and from many pulpits the message is preached, "Repent, confess your sins, turn to God. . ." An excellent -- and essential -- call. Every day we are called to conversion, to once again lay our hearts before the Cross and cry out, "Lord, have mercy! . . . . I have sinned against you in thought, word and deed, by what I have done and by what I have not done . . . ."

But I think there is an aspect of this which we have placed far to little emphasis on, though Scripture goes to great length to address it.

"So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the alatar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." (Matt. 5:23-24 RSV)

"Pray then like this: . . . . And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtos; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive you trespasses." (Matt. 6:9a, 12-15)

"Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven." (Matt. 18:21-22)

"Then his lord summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you besought me; and should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' And in anger his lord delivered him to the jailers, till he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to everyone of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." (Matt. 18:32-35. Read 21-35 for the context. I had typed it all out, but it was really long. . .)

"And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against any one; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." (Mark 11:25)

"Take heed to yourselves; if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, and says, 'I repent,' you must forgive him." (Luke 17:3-4)

"But if any one has cause pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure — not to put it too severely — to you all. For such a one this punishment by the majority is enough; so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I be you to reaffirm you love for him. For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything. Any one whom you forgive, I also forgive. What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for you sake in the presence of Christ, to keep Satan from gaining the advantage over us; for we are not ignorant of his designs." (2 Cor. 2:5-11)

I know I've read the most recent passage before, but I had completely forgotten about it. I find it quite interesting that he refers to keeping Satan from gaining advantage over us by forgiving. And how true that is! I was prompted to find these passages and write about this passage because of my experiences this summer and throughout my life.

What is it about forgiveness that causes Jesus to use such strong words about it and for Paul to speak of it as if it can prevent Satan from gaining advantage over us? And why can it be so hard to forgive?

For me, forgiveness demands that I love the other person, and many times that's the last thing I want to do. My sister cuts me with her words in that way only she knows, perhaps my friend was a jerk to me, or some of my other friends left me out of the evening plans. Maybe a coworker speaks badly about me all the time, making work miserable, or even gets me fired, or my wife cheats on me, or a drunk driver kills my parents, or a business partner runs off with all the money. . . My reaction (I realize others react differently) is to let a cold indifference creep in (or so it seems), saying to me, "Whatever. . . it doesn't matter. . . You know, you don't really need them. This doesn't really need to bother you. There are better people out there. Just cut your losses and move on. Forget about it, forget about them."

That may sound nice, but let me call it what it is: A bold faced lie from Hell.

Oh, I may wish that it doesn't matter, or that it doesn't bother me, but the fact is, it does matter. Underneath the facade of indifference is a heart in turmoil. We are made for love, to love and to be loved. And how could you love someone and not forgive them? Everytime we go against love, we are fighting against the very way we were created to be, especially we who have received the gift of the Holy Spirit, making us alive in Christ, partakers of the divine nature

And as do so, we deaden a part of our heart.

We say, "Oh heart, do not love!! For to love brings to much risk of pain, and humility!" and in the process, we turn our hearts away from God. Slowly, surely, we find ourselves like the man who refused to forgive a small debt though he had been forgiven such a large debt (Matt 18). So often we read that story and say, "Ahh, foolish servant! Can he not see the ridiculousness of what he is doing? How can he not understand what he is doing?" but we do not see that we very often are that servant.

I had conversations with several people this summer in which they told me that their relationship with God was a little rocky. After talking with them for a while, I discovered that deep below the surface — maybe even unknown to them before then — there was someone or some people that they were refusing to forgive. The suggestion that they pray for them was met with stiff resistance, and I think I know why. Both forgiving people and praying for them (on their behalf, not that God would send them to a deep, dark hold somewhere) require love. As soon as we begin to pray for someone, we bring the attitudes in our heart into sharp contrast with love. So, if we don't want to love someone, we aren't going to want to pray for them, or forgive them.

I would like to reflect on asking for forgiveness from others, but I will save that for another time.

† Jonathan †

He has set eternity in the hearts of men. . .

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Sat, 20 Mar 2004 04:45:00 +0000

“He has . . . set eternity in the hearts of men . . .”

I realize that there is a longing for eternity within me, a longing for eternal life, a longing for eternal satisfaction.

I long for eternal relationships, where I and another can run to the end of eternity and back again and not be exhausted, longing to go deeper still.

A great sadness falls upon my heart, for I do not have that sort of relationship with any of my friends here in this world though I long for it so much.

Indeed, though my fervent desire is to share such an intimacy of heart, I am dismayed to find how much both they and I are incapable of such a thing this side of heaven.

Am I doomed to a life consumed with a futile search for that which cannot be found?

“. . . whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst.”

May I say with the woman at the well, “Give me this water so that I will not get thirsty.”

“Our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”

How then shall we be saved?

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Fri, 09 Jan 2004 04:36:00 +0000

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
John 14:6 (NIV)

"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved."
Acts 4:12 (NIV)

"That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."
Romans 10:9-10 (NIV)

These three verses are some of the verses most often cited in discussions of salvation and how one can receive it. A quick reading of these verses easily leaves one with the common impression that if you do not confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord, you cannot be saved, for there is no other way. This leads to a belief that all those that are not formal members of the Christian community are damned. (I am speaking broadly; for some baptism even in infancy is the beginning of membership and for others it is the ability to publicly say "I am a Christian" and whatever other implied beliefs that accompany that). However, I am not convinced that this is the correct conclusion. Rather than arguing using difficult cases, I shall argue from Scripture and only then shall I try to connect that with my own examples and cases.

Let us look at Abraham. I selected him because he is treated at some length in both the Old Testament and the New, but I will be focusing mostly on the New Testament account. Let us go to the book of Romans:

"But now a righteousness from God, apart from the law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe."
Romans 3:22 (NIV)

"What then shall we say that Abraham, our forefather, discovered in this matter? If, in fact, Abraham was justified by works, he had something to boast about -- but not before God. What does the Scripture say? 'Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.' "
Romans 4:1-3 (NIV)

"So then, he is the father of all who believe but have not been circumcised, in order that righteousness might be credited to them. And he is also the father of the circumcised who not only are circumcised but who also wolk in the footsteps of the faith that our father Abraham had before he was circumcised."
Romans 4:11b-12 (NIV)

Abraham the Hebrew is called our father -- our father in the faith. He had faith in God and is justified by God, having righteousness credited to him. How can this be, since Abraham did not even know the name of Christ! He could not have confessed with his mouth that "Jesus is Lord!" Could he have believed in his heart that God raised him from the dead? Not in any way that he would have been conscious of. This much we do know: "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. This is why 'it was credited to him as righteousness.' " (Rom. 4:20-22 Emphasis mine.)

This does not contradict the three passages I began with, for Abraham is saved and justified through Jesus. As Paul writes in the very next chapter, "Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. . . .Since we have now been justified by his blood. . . . Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men." (Rom 5:1-2a, 9a, 18) Abraham, too, was justified by the blood of Jesus.

Therefore there is hope for those who are children of Abraham by faith, who, despite not knowing the name of Jesus, put their faith in God, gaining access into the grace which our Lord Jesus Christ has brought to us. It is not up to us to determine who has an authentic faith in the True God or not, for we judge by the outward appearances, but God judges the heart. As Psalm 139 so eloquently states, he has searched us and he knows us.

Those in such a position are in some way a part of the Body of Christ, the family of God. We should by no means leave them where they are, but should strive to bring them into a deeper participation in the Life of Christ, that they may know him not only in their hearts through faith but also in their minds. Our responsibility to preach the Gospel to all the world has not been removed, for not only does the Body of Christ need to be reminded of the Gospel, but there are many people who are not children of Abraham by faith. They are in most desperate need of the Gospel.

Worry

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan) — Thu, 08 Jan 2004 04:29:00 +0000

"I lift up my eyes to the hills -- Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip -- he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you -- the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm -- he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
(Psalm 121 NIV)

Do we live our lives with the awareness that God is indeed watching over us at every moment? While if I was asked, "Is God watching over you at all times?" I would answer, "Yes!", my actions betray my heart's true attitude. When troubles of this world come before me, I respond as if I am the only one who is looking out for me, and so I worry, for if I do not worry no one will be looking out for me. But if I truly knew that the God who watches over me never slumbers nor sleeps, I would have no reason to ever worry, for the One who is capable of doing more than I could ever imagine is in control, such that "the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night." Why should you worry when your Father is in heaven?

Not only this, but if I knew that God was watching over my life at all times, would I not be stirred up to throw off everything that hinders me and the sin which so easily entangles me? It would then be only with great malice of heart that I would sin so blatantly in the sight of my God. But that is what I have done. It is with great regret and remorse that I remember those times when I have deliberately done those things which I have known to be an offense to God. Lord, have mercy!