One Marine's View

A Different View by Blake Powers

2013-05-22T09:00:02-04:00

Gang –

Here is a great book that will get you closer to the “front lines” more so than any other book. I’ve had the opportunity to look through it and I can tell you it’s a good one. This would be a great gift for those warriors you know that have been there. Check out the below….

Time for a C-Gar!

(By Blake Powers) I am pleased to announce that my latest book, A Different View: Travels to Al Qa’im and Beyond, is now out as a trade paperback via Amazon's CreateSpace and on Kindle. This new volume in the A Different View series showcases day-to-day life of Marines at Al Qa'im on the Syrian border while I was with them on the last part of my first embed. It then transitions to Germany and Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, where I introduce readers to a very special ceremony for arriving wounded.

https://www.createspace.com/4289930 Trade Paperback

http://www.amazon.com/Different-View-Travels-Beyond-ebook/dp/B00CVFUU9S Kindle

To borrow from my preface: "This is not a book about combat, or combat photography. While every combat reporter wants that one-in-a-million shot or video snippet, such images can only show a few seconds out of what can seem an eternity. Blood sells, and the 99 percent of time that is routine or even boring is not news. It is, however, real." This volume is part of my continuing effort to share the "real" with the public at large.

Author and veteran Michael Z. Williamson provides the introduction, and MaryAnn Phillips of Soldiers' Angels Germany provides a very special foreword to the book. Here is a taste of what others are saying:

“A Different View is a personal and vivid narrative of the author’s experience in a combat zone, showing not combat but the mundanity, humor, and boredom that make up ninety-nine percent of life ‘inside the wire.’ The author’s photos and narrative illustrate how service members cope and adapt to the surreal conditions, and how injury and death are still close by. This is a valuable book, and anyone who cares about America’s troops and the fight in the Middle East will find it worthwhile.”
Larry Bond, bestselling author of Shattered Trident

“My first thought as I looked at the pictures was”I’ve been there,” “I think I know that guy” and the fine details of multiple deployments come rushing back like they were yesterday. I can smell the pictures. Blake captures a reality through a very narrow opportunity that many will never understand. Those that have been there will look at the pictures, remember their experiences, and if they are viewing with another warrior, they will simply glance at one another as they both will remember the events they lived through and will do so with a smirk on their face. They will do it for those that were there with them, that didn’t come home.”
Maj Pain (USMC), http://www.OneMarinesView.com

“Lest we forget—Blake Powers helps all of us who were not there witness the everyday lives and achievements of our armed forces in Iraq with gorgeous pictures and thoughtful commentary.”
Toni Weisskopf, publisher of Baen Books

“None of us really know what it’s like to be ‘on the front lines’ unless we’ve served. Which means most Americans really have ‘no clue’. Blake shows these guys and gals in their environment. Sure, there are fun times, how could there not, you’d go bonkers otherwise. But the real deal is just being ‘in country’. Living it, breathing it, seeing it, being enveloped by it every waking moment (and sleeping too) then getting through it as best one can. He has really put this out there for all of us, those lucky individuals who have been lavished with the most amazing country in the world, to feel safe, made so by the sacrifices of these brave men and women.”
David Mecey, former Staff Photographer, Playboy magazine

"A Different View is well-titled; it gives the reader an alternative perspective of the fruit yielded by the American effort in Iraq. Most of it is good fruit. The book is well worth your time...and your money."
Juliette Ochieng, author of Tale of the Tigers

Given feedback from readers, the Kindle version of this new book was created specifically for Kindle in an effort to deal with format and photo issues that were reported with the previous volume. While the print and Kindle covers will be slightly different, it is hoped that the presentation of the photos will give readers the best possible experience.

This book builds on A Different View: Travels with Team Easy, Iraq, 2007 (http://www.amazon.com/Different-View-Travels-Team-ebook/dp/B008COXI50 Kindle, and http://www.amazon.com/Different-View-Travels-Team-Easy/dp/1475148178 trade paperback). The trade paperback will be available on Amazon shortly.

Full copies of the reviews provided by David Mecey and Juliette Ochieng can be found at http://laughingwolf.net/?p=541

Marine and dog reunited after tour in Afghanistan

2013-05-21T03:38:03-04:00

by Jens Manuel Krogstad

Marine Sgt. Ross Gundlach said he wasn’t going to cry in uniform.

His were among the few dry eyes today in the State Capitol rotunda. Dozens of people, including Gov. Terry Branstad, attended a surprise reunion (video below) between Gundlach and Casey, a golden Labrador that served with him in Afghanistan.

Gundlach, 25, and Casey, 4, forged a bond in the rugged terrain of Afghanistan’s south Helmand Province, sweeping roads for bombs.

“About midway through, I told her if we made it out alive I’d do whatever it took to find her,” Gundlach said. “I owe her. I want to take care of her…I’ll just try to give her the best life she can have from here on out.”

(More after the video …)

Gundlach and Casey last saw each on June 3, 2012. Casey had gone on to serve in the Iowa State Fire Marshal’s office. Gundlach is enrolled at the University of Wisconsin in Madison, his hometown.

Gundlach had traveled to Iowa under the impression that he would have to plead his case before a government committee to get Casey back. State Fire Marshal Ray Reynolds said he wasn’t surprised Gundlach made the trip.

Last night, Gundlach told Reynolds that he last saw Casey 333 days, 14 hours and 20-some minutes ago.

“The first time I talked to him…(Gundlach) said, ‘I would swim to Japan to get my dog,” Reynolds said.

The reunion was made possible by the Iowa Elks Association, which donated $8,500 to replace Casey with another dog at the State Fire Marshal’s office. Casey’s General Store paid for Marine Sgt. Kyle Williams to travel to present Casey to Gundlach. The trio served together in Afghanistan.

Despite their time apart, it appeared Casey remembered Gundlach well. Her paws slipped out from under her from excitement when they saw each other, and her tail wagged throughout the 30-minute presentation.

As Lt. Gov. Kim Reynolds explained the dangers Gundlach and Casey faced during more than 150 missions together, Casey placed her front paws on Gundlach’s shoulders and licked his face.

“It touches your heart,” said Elaine Haugen, 68, the wife of a Vietnam War veteran who attended the event. “We really have no way of knowing what those two experienced. We only surmise that we do.”

Hero defined - Motto Monday

2013-05-20T04:23:26-04:00

You may have read about Taylor Morris here. However, another great website called The Chive, picked up on this story and ran with it and ran big. Look through the picture progression below, then read on.

Time for a C-Gar!

This is the story of Taylor Morris, a 23 year-old Navy EOD tech:

Taylor Morris learned at an early age he was hooked on the outdoors, adventurous, the middle of 4 children and always the last one inside for dinner at his home in Cedar Falls, Iowa. His mother Juli recalled, "Our family took a camping trip from Niagra Falls down the East Coast one summer. Taylor set up the tents every night, started the fires, cooked the meals. Taylor was only 8 years old." As Taylor grew older and took to extreme water sports and rock climbing, Taylor discovered he was also very calm under extreme pressure. This quality would later make him the perfect candidate for the Navy's EOD, Explosive Ordinance Disposal.

Explosive ordinance disposal specialists were made famous in Kathryn Bigelow's The Hurt Locker. They are the preeminent tactical and technical explosives experts. Nicknamed 'The Shield', OED specialists always lead, the first to put themselves in harm's way to tackle unexploded ordinance and IED's.

Less than one month ago near the Kandahar province in Afghanistan, Taylor was doing his job, right out in front.

Leading a team of Army Special forces to a classified location, Taylor stepped on an IED. It exploded underneath him and blew off all four of his limbs. Taylor recalled the moment to me over the phone,

"As soon as I stepped on it, I knew. There was a moment, then I heard the blast. I felt the heat. I knew I had lost my legs. As I summersaulted through the air, I watched my legs fly off."

Taylor landed back in the blast crater. This is where the story of Taylor's bravery goes next-level.

After the explosion, Taylor didn't lose consciousness, he didn't go into shock. His thoughts immediately crystalized. Even though Taylor was bleeding to death, he called to the oncoming medics NOT to come get him, putting their safety in front of his own life.

"I recounted the moment of the explosion. There was no visual on the mine and no sound ID on my mine detector. That told me the mine was old. If there were other mines out there, the medics wouldn't see them or detect them unless it was cleared properly. I knew I had arterial bleeding from all 4 limbs and I was bleeding out fast. I told my buddies to stop, it would only have hurt me more if somebody stepped on another one."

The area around Taylor was finally cleared by the second EOD and the medic finally administered combat casualty care. Taylor remained conscious through the ordeal.

Three days later on May 6th Taylor landed back in the States and was transported to Walter Reed hospital in Washington D.C. to begin the long and painful rehab process. Upon his arrival, Taylor became only the 5th person at Walter Reed to ever survive a four limb amputation. His physical progression in the last three weeks has defied everybody's expectations, "My body is responding well. I'm already sitting up. I'm very fortunate." Just yesterday, the stitches in his arms were removed and he was fitted for prosthetics.

I asked Taylor if he's been given a time frame to return home to Iowa.

"Nobody really wants to give me a time frame, I understand that. The doctors here are amazing but I don't know when I'll go home. I've got goals though, personal goals, and I intend on achieving them."

As our conversation drew to an end I asked Taylor if he needed anything medically, "No, I'm fully covered by the Navy for my medical needs." I asked, "Ok, Taylor, if you could have anything in the world, what would it be?"

Taylor paused and finally spoke,

"I've always dreamed of having a log cabin in the woods on a lake. A traditional wood cabin on the outside with a modern interior. And good lighting. Good lighting is important. My girlfriend Danielle and I, we live simple lives but we've always loved being active, spending time outside with our families."

I asked Taylor's girlfriend Danielle about this dream cabin. She said, "Taylor and I are both savers, and we had been working our butts off to ensure we'd have a cabin, close to water to do water sports, and places we can hike. After what happened, we will not abandon that dream if it takes years of saving."

After I thanked Taylor for the zillionth time for his service, I hung up the phone and sat in silence recalling our conversation. I was so nervous when we first started chatting but somehow Taylor sets you at ease. He made it ok to ask hard questions about the explosion that nearly killed him and his painful rehab. I recalled something his mother had told me over the phone, "Taylor has a certain humility about his pain, it comforts you."

I knew I had just spoken to a hero, not the movie kind either, a real one. And I think he deserves a hero's homecoming. Taylor hesitated to tell me his own timeline to return home, that hope belongs to him alone, but I believe when he does return home at the end of this long journey, HOME should be to a place he's always dreamed about.

When Taylor returns, I want theCHIVERS to have provided the down payment on his dream cabin. We have the best community on the internet and I'm setting the goal at $30,000. But we all know about your endearing tradition of smashing goals. Let's help build Taylor his cabin, a place where he and his family can relax for generations to come.

Taylor's family has set up a website, TaylorMorris.org, to educate people about his life and his injuries. They've set up a donations page. Paypal and Credit Cards are accepted right here.

Even if you donate a dollar you're making a huge difference. There are millions of Chivers and if you give just a little, your dollar will go farther than you'll ever imagine in this moment right now.

UPDATE #1: I can't believe this but after 45 minutes, Taylor's story is going viral. The total raised already is $27,814.00. Unreal.

Update #2: 12:15 PM PST: $36,442. Goal exceeded! The family told me the donations appear to be coming in even faster right now.

Update #3: 12:35 PST: $48,170

Update #4: After crossing the $50,000 mark I spoke to Taylor, Danielle, and the Morris family. They are gathered around the computer in disbelief. Taylor said, "I had no expectations for this, John, I can't believe this is happening. Please thank all the Chivers for me from the bottom of my heart."

Update #5: $60,000

Update #6: $70,000

Update #7: 2:20 PST $80,000

Update #8: 3:20 PST $95,000. Let's do this, Chivers!

Super-Awesome Update: We just hit $100,000 in 4 hours and the donations show no sign of stopping.

Update #10: 5:30 PST $115,265 UPDATE #11 (5 minutes later): $120,000

Late Night Update: I'll continue these updates first thing in the morning. Even late into the night the donations continue to surge. We've hit $143,000. You've exceeded the initial goal by over $100,000. Words escape me.

Update #11: 8:00 am PST $177,641

Update #12: 1:30 PST $196,000 - The final push to $200k

Update #13: $200,000!!!

Update #14:$210,000

Update #14. Saturday 10:00 am PST $230,000

$250,000!!!

You can donate here

Orig story from the chive!

Navy Launches First Ever Drone From Carrier

2013-05-16T09:55:21-04:00

The U.S. Navy for the first time launched a drone from an aircraft carrier in what officials hailed as a historic milestone in naval aviation.

The batwing-shaped craft, known as the X-47B Unmanned Combat Air System, or UCAS, on May 14 was catapulted 11:18 a.m. local time from the deck of the USS George H.W. Bush in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Virginia Beach, Va., according to the service.

The drone, made by Northrop Grumman Corp., was controlled by an operator aboard the ship but flew largely autonomously. After multiple approaches to the nuclear-powered carrier, it crossed the Chesapeake Bay and landed at Naval Air Station Patuxent River, Md., about an hour later. (The vehicle is set to attempt a landing aboard a carrier at sea this summer after completing a shore-based arrested landing earlier this month.)

“USNavy history is made!” the Navy said in a message on its official Twitter account. “Was airborne at 11:18A. More to come.” The service later released video of the launch.

Vice Adm. David Buss, commander of Naval Air Forces, in a release called it a “watershed event” and drew comparisons to pilot Eugene Ely’s first-ever landing of a plane on the deck of a ship in 1911.

The flight marks “an inflection point in history on how we will integrate manned and unmanned aircraft on carrier flight decks in the future,” Rear Adm. Mat Winter wrote in a post on the Navy’s official blog beforehand.

The mission showed that the craft – which is about the size of an F/A-18 Super Hornet – can be flown within controlled airspace above a carrier, the Navy said in the statement. It also proved that control of the vehicle could be passed from an operator on a ship to one on land, it said. Prior to launch, the team also conducted deck-handling and ship-integration tests.

The technology is designed to extend the range of a carrier group. The X-47B can fly about twice as far as a manned F-35C fighter jet.

Northrop has built two aircraft for the UCAS program, which has cost $1.8 billion to date. It’s designed to demonstrate the technology and inform a larger effort to build the Navy’s armed, carrier-based drone fleet called Unmanned Carrier Launched Airborne Surveillance and Strike, or UCLASS.

The service has said it plans to request proposals for a preliminary design review for the UCLASS program this month, followed by a similar request for technology development next month.

Northrop is expected to square off against other defense giants for the work, including Lockheed Martin Corp., Boeing Co. and General Atomics Aeronautical Systems Inc. Lockheed is pitching the Sea Ghost, Boeing the Phantom Ray and General Atomics the Sea Avenger.

One Marine asking for help and making a difference

2013-05-15T03:28:58-04:00

You may remember this story about Sgt. Al Brenner who like many of our wounded warriors, find themselves in a hard place only to have some turn to suicide. I contacted the warrior after I heard of his story and as an update, he now has a home! Al has broken the code on the specifics in making a difference and wants to tell the world. I wonder why the government & country he went to war for isn’t listening to him? This is one Marine making a difference and he tells us how below.

I asked Al, “How can I help your efforts?”

His answer:

It’s an extremely long story but I can give you the bare minimum details so you kinda have an idea of what i went through. This email is to show that there are so many issues with the system, one that was bad decades ago and has improved. Noticed how I said improved, not better.

I started my terminal leave the end of September of last year. Because I understood how the system worked as far as pay was concerned I knew that finding a place to rent or own was completely out of the question. Here is problem number one. Gap in pay we are immediately set up for failure because the day of discharge our active pay ends and if all goes well we start our disability pay 2 months later. My plan was to "live in my parent’s basement "for all of terminal and those two months and then when I started to receive my pay I would know where I would stand financially. There are a few other benefits that we receive such as CRSC which only applies to some veterans that have combat disabilities and is really not a large benefit depending on a variety of calculations and inconsistencies, with that said this benefit cannot possibly be used to accurate depict future financial plans. It also could take up to several months to be approved once it does it is than 60 days until it hits the system.

Then there’s Social Security Disability. This is also a great benefit because it allows those who are "actually disabled" a monthly amount to help because they cannot get a Job. Here’s the problem. Even if this benefit was $10K a month it wouldn't matter, because this money cannot be verified income to account for anything. It’s only good for putting away for a rainy day because at some point it ends. Whether they decide to stop paying or you get better or you start working.

"There was comments from other Marines about my campaign and his exact words about the situation were , "it's just the way it is" he like so many others just think that they have to "deal" with this problem. I think otherwise."

Then there’s unemployment. Most guys think they can use this as soon as they get out because, technically, there unemployed. This is true for active duty fully fit for work marines because they are employable. But not someone who is disabled or has a disability so this is cancelled out by SSDI. And even if it was given that too wouldn't account for anything because it ends too.

So where are we now, we are collecting all of this money that can't be used for anything. Thank god there is our education benefit because here WAS my plan. I told my recovery care coordinator because it is his job to make sure i have a PLAN that i was going to relocate to my home state, "BUY A HOME AND GET MY EDUCATION!!!!"

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THAT LAST SENTENCE, it is the American dream to Own a home and have an education. Here is where we F**k up as a country. Our guys fight for the freedom to own a home and get an education, the dream I wanted too just like everyone else and here I am. The perfect example of the product this war created. I am a wounded veteran that is now 100% disabled that is now homeless, unemployed, without an education. And all they feed you is bullshit about how you can just collect disability and go to school. NOT POSSIBLE.

The education benefit is only good if you have a job here’s why. The BAH you are entitled too is a scam. Its free money. A great allowance which is very high in some places. But I can't use it to be approved to buy a home. so there goes my plan right out the window. My recovery care coordinator didn't know anything about that did he or she. How about the Company commander does he know. Does the battalion commander know. Does the commandant know? Does the Pentagon Know? >?? No they don’t! I know that because all we see in the media is suicides sky rocket and we don't know why. Well i just told you why. I know the answer to why PTSD is not only an abused diagnosis but also a "BRAND" I know why the Wounded Warrior Project is a Multi-million dollar organization but only pennies is used for the benefit of Wounded warriors. I know why guys are killing themselves because after going overseas and losing their legs there only dream now is to become a doctor at a college and teach but they find out they can't because if they went to school full-time they wouldn’t be able to provide for their family and or own a home. They need to work but they can't because there "100%" disabled. So they find easier things to do like sit in there parents basement and play video games, turn to drugs and alcohol, abuse meds, and then kill themselves because its easier than dealing with the bullshit of the system they fought for.

If you gave me the change to stand in front of every officer at the pentagon I could safely tell them what the true meaning of PTSD is and what actually makes this guy’s pull the trigger on themselves. And more importantly instead of pointing fingers like every sour combat vet does I actually have a solution. I developed a program and a system that will work, at the minimum temporarily until this country gets their shit straight. Through my nonprofit organization called Donate Strength to Patriots I will be able to meet the specific goals and needs of combat veterans all over the country. Most importantly our mission would be to give every one of these vets a home of their own and finally once in their lives they can relax and breathe, focus on themselves, provide for their families, and most importantly for the first time ever, do what they WANT to do.

I can go on and on about how this program will work and how it works. In fact anytime someone has an idea, for instance a concept people will say well how do you know it will work. I’m going to say, well I already did it. So let’s stop wasting time and let’s make sure the right people see this so we can do what’s right by these veterans that we so casually dismiss in our lives. How about instead of everyone saying thank you to a veteran let’s see if they really mean it and give them the opportunity to do so through our program.

How I know what I know, again without getting into details, my wife and I just purchased our first home this past month. It was nothing short of a miracle how it all worked out. One day I would love to tell you how it all unfolded but the good news is we are home owners. I pushed my way through the system with much persistence and determination. I made most of the things possible through the internet fundraiser I put on with indiegogo which raised over $10k. This gave us the little bit of money we needed to get per the hump. Because of all of this I know very confidently that this will work because it did. I also know that I am starting to feel better than I have ever felt.

What i need for you is to help me to continue to gain exposure. I need to be able to talk to the right people and if they truly want to know how to fix the issue this country has I would be glad to tell them. I have the facts to support it.

Check out his efforts at donatestrength.com

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/donate-strength (this was his fund raiser that has ended and no more donations can be accepted at this time but has a great video)

Here is his Facebook page as well: https://www.facebook.com/donatestrength

Time for a C-Gar!

The Marines helping out an Army hero

2013-05-14T08:58:21-04:00

Marine Commandant Helps Soldier Receive Arm Transplants - You may have read it here on One Marine's View when it happend. Here is a video of an update.

Time for a C-Gar!

3 Fired Over Fatal Mortar Training Explosion

2013-05-14T08:50:40-04:00

by Bryant Jordan on May 9, 2013

Seven weeks after a night time training program in Nevada turned deadly for seven Marines, three officers with command responsibility, or oversight of the training mission, have been fired.

The Marine battalion commander, its Alpha Company commander and a warrant officer were relieved of duty on Wednesday, according to Marine Corps Times, which first reported the news. Seven Marines died from the explosion on the night of March 18 at Hawthorne Army Depot in Nevada when a 60mm mortar round exploded in a mortar tube. Eight other Marines were injured.

The incident remains under investigation but the dismissal of Lt. Col. Andrew McNulty, Capt. Kelby Breivogel and Chief Warrant Officer 3 Douglas Derring, the battalion’s infantry weapons officer, are based on preliminary findings, the paper reported.

Lt. Oliver David, a spokesman at Camp Lejeune, N.C., where the Marine unit is based, told the Associated Press on Wednesday that no charges are expected to be filed against any of the officers. According to the Times report, all three remain on active duty, though it is not clear what their next assignments will be.

Killed in the explosion were Pfc. Joshua M. Martino, 19; Lance Cpl. David P. Fenn II, 20; Lance Cpl. Roger W. Muchnick Jr., 23; Lance Cpl. Joshua C. Taylor, 21; Lance Cpl. Mason J. Vanderwork, 21; Lance Cpl. William T. Wild IV, 21; and Cpl. Aaron J. Ripperda, 26.

At the time of the accident the Marines were assigned to Marine Corps Mountain Warfare Training Center in Bridgeport, Calif., and were wrapping up winter mountain training.

After the accident the Corps immediately suspended worldwide use of the M224A1 60mm mortar system involved in the accident. The military’s Joint Munitions Command at Rock Island, Ill., suspended the lots of ammo fired at the Nevada depot pending the investigation’s completion. The moratorium, which remains in place, included an exception for discretionary use by battlefield commanders.

McNulty had taken command of the Lejeune-based 1st Bn., 9th Marines, less than a year ago. Brig. Gen. James Lukeman, commanding general of 2nd Marine Division, the battalion’s parent command, made the determination to fire the three. Marine spokesman 1st Lt. Peter Koerner told Marine Corps Times that McNulty was relieved due to a “loss of confidence in his ability to continue to lead the battalion.”

Battalion Executive Officer Maj. Thomas Siverts has been put in charge until a new commander is selected, which should take several weeks, according to Koerner. The leadership change is not expected to affect the battalion’s scheduled deployment to Afghanistan at the end of this year, Koerner told the Times.

At the time of the accident the Marines were close to wrapping up winter mountain training at the Marine Corps Mountain Warfare Training Center in Bridgeport, Calif.

Monday? No it's Motto Monday

2013-05-13T08:01:04-04:00

If you are watching this and are home or at most at work, remember, your Monday isn't really that bad. You are not dealing with extreme weather, crappy environment or even more so, people trying to kill you. Kinda puts the "bad Monday" in perspective now doesnt it? Remember those fighting, many have forgot we are here.

Make sure you call her - Mothers Day

2013-05-12T03:57:19-04:00

5 Things You Wish You Could Give Your Mom For Mother’s Day

May. 10, 2013

By Brian Donovan

I used to be adventurous with Mother’s Day gifts. One year I gave my mom a few strawberry bushes that she could plant in the backyard. It seemed really sweet until the ensuing rash on her hands made it clear that she was allergic to strawberries, and the ensuing patch of lifeless brown dirt made it clear that strawberries don’t grow in Boston in the spring.

I’ve also given her dog-themed books, dog-themed movies, even dog-themed knee socks, because she has a dog and I am nothing if not imaginative. Recently though, I have stuck with ol’ reliable: flowers and chocolate. Because when it comes right down to it, moms loves flowers and chocolate. Hell, I love flowers and chocolate, because it’s fun to consider who I’m going to regift the flowers to while I scarf down handfuls of caramel pecan clusters.

But each year around this time I regret not being able to give mom something special. Something specific to her, to our relationship, something that really shows I care.

No matter how close you are to your mother, I expect you feel the same. Wouldn’t it be nice to give her the thoughtful gift she deserves, not just the nicest bouquet that ProFlowers offers for more than $20 but less than $35? Mom wiped your butt, she picked your boogers, she told you that dog you painted in art class was amazing even though it really just looked like a rock having a seizure. She deserves more than a gift, your mom has earned an experience.

Here are 5 things your mom deserves this Mother’s Day, if only you could give them….

A Night Out Dancing: Moms love to dance. They all have their own moves, for some it’s a serious, Elaine Benes-esque full-body shake, for others it’s a delicate hokey-pokey trot. But somehow moms always perfectly in rhythm, and having the time of their lives. My Mom loves dancing so much that she offered to fly across country so we could take dance lessons together to prepare for an upcoming wedding. I said no, because, I mean, COME ON, but still–that’s a lady who likes to get down. If you could confidently and happily give your Mom one night out boogying, then you’d probably be the best child ever. And a far better one than me.

The Ability to Forget That Sex Thing She Saw You Do: “Well, it’s a surprisingly warm afternoon…” my Mom thought as she walked out to our little backyard pool. “I’ve gotten off work early, so maybe I’ll take a little swim. The kids won’t be expected me home, but no matter, I’m sure they’re doing their homework like the responsible children they are.” And then she opened opened the gate to the pool… and saw me doing horrible things with Katey Gates who lived next door. We were in the shallow end, and truth be told, some of the horrible things were underwater things. Thank God mom turned and walked immediately back inside. But still, the damage was done. We all have our Katey Gates that mom has caught us with, and all of our moms have regretted every second. Although for your sake, I hope your Katey Gates didn’t have braces. My lips still hurt 20 years. This May, Mom, I’d love to give you the ability to forget. And, while we’re at it, my mouth the ability to heal.

The Ability to Forget That Puke Thing She Saw You Do: It’s a special night the first time you drunkenly throw up in the same bathroom you used as a child. You remember all the times little you had the flu, or ate too many brownies, or were nervous about the first day of school, and how it made you sick then too. And your little tummy lost its sweet little contents, and how darling that is in comparison to the margarita and chili fries barf you are currently producing after a night out with old high school pals. And no matter how hard you tried to clean up, there was always a spot left somewhere for mom to discover the next morning. Because you are you, and she is mom. We wish we could take that back this mother’s day, because once you pass 18, parents should never have to deal with our vomit again. Sorry, Mom!

Home-Cooked Anything: She cooked for you so many times. Frequently you said you didn’t like her food, and far less frequently, you actually said “thanks.” Isn’t it time we little piggies return the favor? It makes them so happy. I made my mom microwave popcorn a few months ago and she’s still talking about how great it was. And truth be told, I kinda burned the crap out of it. This Mother’s Day I wish we could cook for our moms and give them full liberty to tell us how crappy it is, or not thank us if it’s delicious. Fair is fair.

A Nice Hug: Seriously. That’s all they really want. It’s impossible because you probably don’t live in the same city anymore, but come on. Wouldn’t it be great to send your mom a thank you hug? If ProFlowers offered hugs, I’d be willing to go all the way to $40.

Somthing to get your weekend started right

2013-05-10T04:04:17-04:00