One of our Own?

New Home

2006-10-16T12:08:00.000-04:00

I am too tired and frustrated with blogger at this point, I have lost too many posts and sat for hours while the site was down. http://oneofourown.wordpress.com/ Please join me there.

October 15th, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

2006-10-15T21:12:00.000-04:00

Candles lit for our losses, 2 in the back burn in hope for our 2 blasts that are awaiting our FET To all my fellow infertile friends, a prayer for you and your loved losses. I wish our dreams come true and this pain to end. 'Love can make you do things you never dreamed possible...' I got lost, couldn't find my way and I guess there's nothing more to say love can make you blind, make you act so strange but I'm here and here I will stay So everyday I cry yes everyday I fall do you ever wonder why, why I love everything about you But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still 'til then every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep we will It picked me up, knocked me off my feet I've got no way to explain still I love you, love you, love you but this fire inside will never see the light of day So everyday goes by and everyday I fall it makes me wonder why, my life's worth nothing without you But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still 'cos every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep, we will You'll never know, no, no, no,no,no you'll never know just how close we were you'll never know, no, no, no,no,no you'll never know no you'll never see The book closes and we try to forget but I know that things won't change how we feel, how life goes on and that seems so strange And so the light fades away try, try, try as I may I can't stop thinking about you it seems my life's worth nothing without you But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still 'til then every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep, we will Everyday, everyday you know I try so hard everyday, everyday it gets a little harder - Everyday - Phil Collins

Ugh!

2006-10-10T16:05:00.000-04:00

There is no word in the english language better fitted for my current state of disaster. It would appear that I am indeed getting relief from the OHSS. At its peak I felt as though I were Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory, I have been sent to the juicer and AF has arrived with fury. Bitch she even took me completely off gaurd before she struck me down. Here I trudge. my uterus drags about 10 feet behind me smacking along bumps and being stepped upon as I go. Paralised I feel from the waist down. I feel like shit but its one week sooner than expected and thats one week sooner to move on. C and I have decided to transfer one of our Baby Blasts in Late November Early December. I hope our little 5BB0 or 3BB0 will nestle right in for 9 months so I don't have to pick up my uterus for a while. Hey watch where you Step!

Hello Wrench, welcome back to my plans...

2006-10-04T15:19:00.000-04:00

Yup..The ET is cancelled. Our embies and plans ut on ice. I knew things were going way too smooth.. C and I are quite upset but we know that my health is more important. Since I have fluid built up around my kidneys I had to wait on Dr.P's decision.. I knew it was game over, after spending 2 hours driving to Markham in the rain and thunder with a full bladder stuck in traffic with my stick shift I had to spend 2 agonizing hours in the office waiting for the doctor,while pregnant women paraded past me one by one all happy and giggling. I finally fell apart on the nurse coordinator who took pity on me and put me in her office. The Doc came and saw me there, She explained everything to me and I had an excruciatingly long lonely drive home. C booked off and came home (2nd time in history) from work, He had to listen to me cry the whole drive home and in the other ear he was listening to his coworkers call in a double homicide involving 2 kids under 5. It has been a long hard journey for us, we are definitly bruised and abused. We talked and cried and spoke to the clinic and we are going onwards to our FET in the New Year. If that faiils then we will try IVF again next year

Men are from Mars..

2006-10-02T18:10:00.000-04:00

OK I love C dearly, and although we have had our moments, (God have we ever) it just never ceases to amaze me on how different we really are. Post ER I have been really tender and well downright sore at times. The clinic is making me measure my weight and drink all this gatoraide (doesn't salt retain water?) ok well whatever.. they are obviously going to do another scan for OHSS before they do the transfer on Thursday... so I am trying really hard to make sure I am ok for Thursday. Went off on a rant there, but hey.. ok so since i am so sore I can't do all the things I normally do. C was supposed to be helping me this weekend, but as usual when I am sick he seems to still expect me to continue my housefull duties and put food on his plate, clean and make sure his uniform is pressed. I found myself doing these very things when I supposed to be resting and what was my Knight in shining armour doing? Playing video games on the Xbox. (We only have 1 TV so this really made for short fuses when one is supposed to have her feet up). I explain to my darling enchante that my mom is coming Thursday because I can't be running around post transfer, he gets insulted.. well I was going to look after you.. Oh stop me.. How he looked after me this past weekend? uhm No Thanks.. I'll skip your care there Mother Theresa.. Long story short he tells me I need to make him a list of things to do to ease my work load. So I say this I need you to make the bed when you get up. I need you to change the sheets. Fold the laundry when the dryer finishes make dinner when you are hungry, I generally am too. Put away dishes. if the dishwasher is full run the wash, if its full and clean empty it. Take the dogs out, you know they need to go a couple times a day.. feed them too they like that. If you take it out, put it away. that really helps .. OK he says.. but I couldn't help but be absoloutely stunned that he was soo clueless on this.. I had to take it that step further.. I say, You know no one makes this list for me, I just open my eyes and look around, when I see it needs to be done, I do it.. No one actually tells me when it needs to be done either. I swear they believe in the House Hippos that come and do everything while they sleep..

Lucky Number 7??

2006-10-01T11:57:00.000-04:00

We just got the fert report. Of the 16 eggs collected yesterday 10 were mature, ofthe 10 7 fertilized. I am getting nervous now.

One Dozen + Four

2006-09-30T12:27:00.000-04:00

16 eggs. I am doped up and out of it, but their out. Its all up to the big guys now. I won't see our embies until Thursday when two will return home... hopefully to nest for 9 months.

Baby on Brain

2006-09-29T15:34:00.000-04:00

C is laughing at me yet again. So far this week I have managed to leave my wallet at my moms, forgot I had food in the oven, left the door open, and now I just left my keys at the photographers. C thinks its funny and says its just baby on brain when I do this. He is trying to tell me that women go dumb and forgetful when hormones in their body are so out of whack as it is in pregnancy and say IVF. I would have protested more if I could have had a decent rebuttal for the argument. Alas I came up with nothing a blank.. silence.. C looks at me "Would you rather I just say your stupid?" ..... "I am not.. I have baby on brain"

Surreal

2006-09-27T19:37:00.000-04:00

My ovaries a little distended and somewhat tender (ok very tender) We have confirmation, tomorrow is my last bloodwork and ultrasound and tomorrow night is trigger time.. We arein for retrieval for Saturday. Wouldn't you know we ended up with the other Dr. from the clinic anyhow.. funny how that works out. I also start my array of antibiotics as well in the morning. Ohh I will cherish Friday morning, because it will be my day off from all of this, I can sleep in late and relax.. not that I haven't perfected that in the past few days.. but the early morning alarm surely ruins most "relaxation" that happens to occur. Chas been on nights so I was alone for today and tomorrows scans.. though he text msgd me as soon as he could to ask how things were progressing, in a way, it was he was right there in the room with me. He has really turned out to be a great partner in this.

The Couple that Shoots Up Together, Stays Together

2006-09-25T23:48:00.000-04:00

I had C do all my injections asides from the Puregon pen tonight. Secretly I think he enjoyed stabbing me with sharp objects. He as always is very maticulous and accurate. He is involved in the process now and I am not sure but I think he wants to be. I am not pushing him or asking him to do this or that or hear endless thoughts on maturing eggs and hormones as such. I don't even think he knows what he shot me with.. Later he asked me if I was getting another scan tomorrow morning, I say yes and he is suddenly interested in coming with me again.. until the alarm sounds at 5 that is. This is the first time he has ever seemed excited about something related to ttc.. all other times he has been really reserved and left the responsibility to me. I won't deny it, I am enjoying every moment of it, if he could take all the info for me and I didn't need to know anything it would be great... but I don't think he is THAT excited.

Its Hard Not To.

2006-09-25T14:22:00.000-04:00

OK I will admit it, I am always preaching and moaning that I am indeed a bitter and scorned pessimistic bitch but today when C and I were in the ultrasound room and I caught a glimps of his face genuinely interested in my big fat follie filled ovary on the screen while I get violated by a not so gentle technician, I saw hope. For a moment I actually thought that this might have a chance of actually working. I have been trying to snap myself out of it ever since. Common sense Tracey.. trust me I am still bitter and skeptical but every now and then this flicker of just maybe comes across my mind. My projected ER date is Saturday. I am now up to 3 shots a day, luckily my puregon dose has dropped a hundred units since I started stimming only a few days ago. But I am now sticking myself with the supressor and the LH (I will never get this suppress your own hormones to inject fake ones.. I know mine are faulty, but still) Current Needle Poke Count after todays injections is 13. The bruises in my arms from the bloodwork are starting to look like serious track marks.

Your Starting to Show

2006-09-24T18:48:00.000-04:00

Yes, My stimming bump has accentuated my already lumpy front.. wonderful.. I am having a few issues buttoning up jeans and such and have resorted to my bigger clothes while I wait,. I am afraid I have been overstimmed, tomorrows ultrasound will tell the tale. I am now down to 150iu of FSH and now am on Orlagutran to stop the LH surge. I am getting tired more easily but I really am enjoying the time off still. I took the dogs down by the water for a walk yesterday and took a few pictures, these grey skies have dominated my time off this whole week and I am dying to see some sun to show off the colours as the leafs change.

I can't wait for one thing and that is my photography class. It begins on Tuesday, which I am completely stoked for. I hope that I am concious enough for it.

I am sharing my Hope in other ways

2006-09-22T19:51:00.000-04:00

I bond too easily with people. Some of my new supersticions is not joining any IVF groups for fear of being the last man standing (I had done this previously with an IUI group and a general 2ww group and been the odd man out before) I am not doing that again. I am trying to limit my contact with others in the clinic, I am sharing my hope in other ways... a smile, a friendly joke, but I am trying not to invest in anyone.. the minute I start caring I am afraid I will be be odd man out again. CD 5 Needle Poke Count 7

Play Dumb

2006-09-21T20:04:00.000-04:00

I have decided to play dumb. Ignorance is bliss and the more I *know* the more I am going to stress. Day 4 bloodwork E2 levels were the same as Day 3, so the nurse asked me if I injected myself yet, uhm *yes* I distinctly remember poking myself with a needle last night. I wanted to scream into the phone.. DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING, I DON"T WANT TO KNOW.. you all are supposed to be the professionals.. not me. Tonight I injected myself again with 225iu puregon.. tonights selection a little floyd and comfortably numb (How cliche) C is sick with a cold, I don't want to catch but I hope he gets better soon. AF is still hanging out too, she is always a blast to have around now. Ugh, I know its only Day 4, I am already complaining. Sick and sad of me.

Injection Junkie

2006-09-21T19:39:00.000-04:00

CD 3 Needle Poke Count 3, Tonight was my first injection in over a year. I had forgotten how involved a process it really was to sit there and stick myself with a pen needle.. washing up laying out everything on a clean towel, setting up the cartriges and so on. The pamphletes say to set some mood music so I lit a few candles and slid in The Panic Channel, I figure Navarro can sooth me into getting a needle in my belly with his guitar while Steve Issacs sings "Bloody Mary". Nice I was just sitting there thinking wow, this would be somewhat fitting had I been sticking myself with something a little stronger than hormones. I managed the injection without a hilt, like a person who picks up a cigarette after years of quitting, the actions are habitual and require little thought. It was over before I could really think about it. It only took a few hours before the weeping began, gushing with the I love you and everyone else side effects. Brushed back to reality by the alarm clock at 5am.

CD 2 Needle Poke Count 1

2006-09-20T15:38:00.000-04:00

OK so I totally forgot how much I HATE the fucking pill. I was a nasty son of a bitch this time when it came to PMS. Holy cow I had no idea who this person was, but jesus watch out if you got in my way. Ok so Day one was Monday (Sunday was one of those yucky OMG I have cramps to die with and heavy spotting). Tuesday I got up at the crack of 5 (This should be illegal on vacation- but this really isn't vacation is it) and dragged my tired butt through the shitty morning commuter traffic [side note : how the hell do you 9 - 5 ers do this everyday? I completely understand road rage at this point, I will keep my sheltered shift work life] . I pick up a coffee (yeah I know your not supposed to have caffeine - kiss my ass - I had to get up at 5am and somehow have the wits to drive an hour to this appointment) I firgure since I have to have a full bladder for this ultrasound that I can start drinking about halfway down and get there with a full enough bladder to get this over with. I have a back up of 2 bottled water too. 1 large Timmys coffee and 1 bottled water later I am sitting in the waiting room of the clinic with a number in my hand. The air conditioning that is being pumped at my back has sent my kidneys into overdrive and my back teeth are beginning to float. Pain is swelling in my abdomen and I fear that any quick movement may result in me standing amungst a huge puddle of coffee induced pee. I scan the number of women that are to be before me... 1 ... 2... 3.... 4...5...6... Holy shit.. I am 7, one by one they file into get their blood drawn, just my luck the lady before me wants to chat about everything for a few minutes with the lab tech.. "hellloooooooo, I am about to piss myself I want to chime in".. Finally I get in, I can barely sit because the pressure in my belly is soo intense I want to cry. I get through the needle poke without a leak and set myself back in a line for the U/S I dance, I strain.. I have to let a little out, so I head to the bathroom and relieve myself a little, yay less pressure. The coordinator calls me in to get me to pay for my u/s and stuff $850.00 I can barely sign because the pressure has rebuilt by now and I am thinking one thing.. urinate... some nurse has a waterfall picture on her screensaver, I thought you cruel bitch.. all I needed to hear was one of those zen waterfall things and I would be a mess. Finally I get my name called.. its been so long and the pressure is so great that I take a few long seconds to register that my name is indeed being called. Finally relief overcomes me as I rush to the washroom and empty my bladder, I never savoured a pee soo much. Later I get the call saying that my progesterone was 7 and too high to begin stimming so I would have to retest for day 3.. Oh Yay

Placenta Pill

2006-08-31T10:32:00.000-04:00

You know, I just can't believe the support and strength that I pull from my fellow bloggers, journallers, and charting groups. Ladies, you are FUCKING AMAZING! Thank you. I wish I could thank each one of you individually for all you have done for me. I have been doing my homework, why? because I am obsessive compulsive and I hate housework, so I must channel my obsession elsewhere. LOL. I was rather dismayed that Dr.P would dismiss any thoughts of prescribing prednisone prior to ER to suppress my immune response, I had written a nasty letter outlining that this would be the only IVF that C and I would be doing as we just cannot afford it emotionally any more. If this fails, than, well great, life goes on. We live Child free, there will be no adoption, no surragocy, no further attempts (well maybe in 5 or 10 years when the technology has changed and furthered again) I must sit here and think in 10 years I will only be 38, and will probably still be able to physically do IVF again.. but this is an issue that I won't be exploring if this cycle fails for a very long time. Back to the Prednisone issue.. I did my research and with all of the side effects that prednisone comes with (leathery cardboard lungs, cardiac issues, opens infections, fucks up natural production of corticosteroids) the increase in success while using prednisone during IVF is only 1%. There is a chinese herb called tai-bao (human placenta pill) that shows much more promise at low doses of a 76% success rate (prednisone and placebo groups were 36% and 37% respectively) . As disgusting as it sounds, I am hunting down tai-bao now.

Holy Shit

2006-08-24T15:52:00.000-04:00

Holy Shit. That is the only way I can describe this. I braced myself for the pain and disapointment of bad news, thinking this is it, she is going to tell us we have NO CHANCE even to be successful for IVF and to begin that whole life without children thing. I don't remember a whole lot of the appointment, when she asked what cycle day I was on and I replied 6, she seemed pleased. She then started telling me that she would prescribe me BCPs and that after taking 3 weeks of the BCPs that we could get started with the new cycle that follows. HOLY SHIT. Did I hear that right? We are going through with the IVF in 3 fucking weeks?? Uhm OK. I was stunned, am still very stunned. Our next appointment is with the nurse who will counsel us on the procedures to come, we have of course opted to choose a cycle with ICSI just because of C's count. My protocol will also include baby aspirin because of my elevated ANA levels. I can't believe we are actually going through with this now.

D Day Tomorrow

2006-08-23T12:44:00.000-04:00

We have another follow up appointment with Dr. P. I have butterflies in my stomach at the thought. I am so afraid that C's Chromatin fragment will be high. I keep having this sinking feeling that this is the end of the road for us regarding children. I am trying to brace myself for the news. Slowly through the past few weeks and months I have been accepting our childless fate. We have decided that even if the chances are grim we will go through with the IVF on this really off chance it may work, and if it doesn't then we can say that we at least tried. I will need to put my foot down tomorrow though, if Dr. P wants to do more tests I think it will take all my strength to not leap across the desk and choke the bitch. 4 years of testing is enough and I have reached the end of my tolerance for vag cams, garden hose sized needles, pissing on sticks, Sleeping with thermometer in hand, reading saliva slides at 3am , jerking off C in bathroom stalls, or worse screwing in a bathroom stall only to 'spread em' 20 min later for the doc to see the leftovers (My personal fav). Honestly, the amount of paperwork the ministry of health has on C and I and our sexuality would absoloutely be as thick as a novel by now, Tests for HIV, STDs, Hepatitis, Rubella, Pneumonia, Mono, any 56 of the most communicable diseases including Ebola(thankfully that came back negative, apparently a possibility because of our jobs) anti phospholipid antibodies (say that 3 times fast), other antibodies (NK cells) came back slightly elevated, We are happy to note that neither C or I are Cystic Fibrosis carriers, nor do we posses any gene triggers for down syndrome, trisomy, even flipping colour blindness. Hormone tests, glucose tests. I think C and I have spent a little too much time in labs, when the receptionist knows you by first name and can pinmark the vein on your arm in record time, it really is time to stop.

We all make mistakes

2006-08-23T00:18:00.000-04:00

I am starting this post off with a quick thank you to all of you who have sent me emails letting me know I am on your mind, it meant a great deal to me. I am sorry for not posting an update sooner, I just did not feel comfortable at the time to come back to this journal as my gut was uneasy and unrestful, as though telling me that things had not yet rested. I will begin with the disclaimer that I am guilty of this very thing I am about to say. I too have made this mistake. After our July almost quit, C and I have steadily been trying to work things out. I have been reading a lot, learning a lot and teaching myself how to deal with everything in a much more calm and reflective manor. I have been counting to 10 before responding in an argument and for the most part our house is peaceful. My nerves however never seemed to settle. I kept believing that something is and in fact was wrong. C was planning a race car trip with his friend and partner for a weekend and like the good little investigator I am I couldn't help but think that there was something wrong with this trip. My gut churned and choked at the thought of this weekend away. I don't trust my husbands friend and partner, I hate that they work 12 hour shifts together day in and day out, Then his partner calls the house or his cell on his day off and takes our time together. I started digging, soon I found what I was not sure I was ready to find, but looking back I am lucky to have found out before the date of the trip rather than after. C and his partner were seeking some female companionship for their race weekend. I was angry, not at the flirting with other women (because when I strip it down that is what it is), but the blame that was put on me for the past month as to why C had suddenly had this "need to be single" mindset. I was also angry because I said I was uncomfortable with the weekend away and yet the disrespect I received when I voiced my concern. I was down right MAD, he made me think I was crazyk, and he made me bring my work home. I called C at work when I found the evidence regarding the weekends activities and C decided for the first time in his career that he needed to come home from work early. C told me when he got home that he was not going away for this weekend. After much discussion we have come to these conclusions; We love eachother. That is foremost the most important thing for us to remember. No one is walking out that door or on this marriage. We have promised to challenge each other as we used to. After 4 years of marriage and infertility we fell into a cyclical pattern that brought our sex life to a mundane missionary halt. It may have taken me 4 years and almost cost me the one thing that meant the most in my life, but I have come to the understanding that indeed we will not have a child the natural way, and I must let that go. Four years of the same position every other day no romance no spark, no real energy to try, put me, c and our marriage to sleep and in ultimate jeopardy. C and I have spent the past week really diving deep into our relationship and rediscovering eachother. We are closer than we have ever been. I am now very aware of the work that needs to continue to keep our marriage strong and healthy. I am writing this entry to remind me that this process will be ongoing and this entry will serve as a reminder to never fall asleep on my vows again. If you take nothing from my post other than this small message, do not fall asleep on your marriage. Do not get comfortable, and never take eachother for granted. Ask what your partner wishes of you and be open minded to hear their response. Appreciate them and anything they do and tell them you appreciate them. On a side note; I am going to leave with this dilemma, and maybe I am a coward for not bringing this to her attention, let me know what you would do, I am curious. I decided not to tell C's partners wife about the extra curricular activities the boys had planned. I know it goes against girl code, but the truth is that I would rather have absoloutely nothing to do with this family ever again after the Bullshit this asshole has caused with C and I. I would feel differently had I found this after their weekend away. But at this time C has agreed to not socialize with this partner as well he will be returning to his old position in September...

Or not....

2006-07-19T17:48:00.000-04:00

He came home late last night.I honestly think that this work partner of his is a bad combo for him and that he doesn't like me so he is trying to influence C. He seems to stir shit all the time, and because C grew up without a father I think he is really subsceptable to male influence (from all of my past experience with him) this however is NO EXCUSE. I talkded to him and I honestly think that this was a runaway moment because everything was coming to a head so to speak. I told him the door was there and he was free to leave if he wanted to go, but he ended up cooling down and today he is completely back to normal.Looks like it was just one of those super nasty marriage fights. He never stopped taking his suppliments or stopped sex either so there was no warning for this bullshit. Fuck and wouldn't I get a positive OPK today our anniversary is tomorrow when I should . I also have tonnes and tonnes of EWCM which is very unusual for me.. FUCKING FIGURES!! I am not holding my breath but he is indicating make up sex.. and after this past episode, he owes large.

Its Over

2006-07-18T19:40:00.000-04:00

C came home and told me he doesn't want to be married anymore. He left. I am sitting here collecting what little pieces I have off the floor. I am in shock. On Friday I had said to my mom that C and I were the closest we have ever been and I couldn't wait to celebrate our 4th anniversary. Needless to say I won't be ttc-ing. I am devastated.

The Call

2006-07-17T09:24:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I am typing this. I heard from my father. He sounds different. Older, quieter, humbler. I am a little skeptical, but I have right to be. My mom had read my post Letting Go and dug out an old work number for him. She asked him to move on and call me. I got the call this morning, I am glad I wrote the post and let go of all that anger inside me. I would not have been able to keep composure otherwise. What I realised is that I do really forgive him. I know that years cannot be swept beneath rugs, I know there will always be a cloak of mystery. I was surprised at how glad I was to hear from him. I thought I might be bitter, but I wasn't. I craved the attention from him. He is in remission from kidney cancer. But what I realised too, is that he hurts as much as I do, that he didn't forget about me. Hearing from him turned out to be the best birthday gift.

28

2006-07-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

To Quote Lauren Weisberger The Devil Wears Prada Dedicated to my mother - The mom a million girls would die for. Oh god, the day has arrived, July 17, 2006.. Today I turn 28. I can begin to see it, I no longer look like I just graduated highschool, and this past year I was not carded ONCE! Life has begun to unravel. I have replaced my bonne belle chocolate sundae flavoured lip gloss for a matte chanel in sandal. Ugh, I look at my face, time, stress, and the lack of sunscreen have already taken their toll. It has been several years since I had actually been excited to celebrate another year passing, I used to be awoken by my mother who had usually prepared me a wonderful "breakfast brunch" with lobster claws and baked goodies, cheese and fruits, she usually had a fancy balloon and a teddy bear of some sort to greet me at the outdoor table. We would sit and chat, mom would repeat the story of my birth and all the firsts I had growing up, we would have a wonderful dinner at some fancy restaurant followed by a musical show. As I got older I would generally celebrate with a few friends over dinner and cocktails, On my 18 birthday I remember packing up the car at 3am and driving to Montreal for the weekend with my best friend Tanya to celebrate, there are details of that night that are still rather sketchy to the both of us, but what we remember we could pretty much patch work that we were feeling good when we hit the first bar, something about a dance contest we won a bottle of champagne and having to crawl across Crescent street to our hotel at the end of the night. For my 24th birthday I spent it with my fiance, bridesmaids and groomsmen getting sloshed and doing the rehearsal for my wedding which was 3 days later. My 24th birthday was my demise, soon after I began the chin hair pluck and super tight ponytail to lift the features in my sagging face. I think I am having my mid life crisis early. On a trip to the mall this weekend I felt old and discarded, all these women much younger than I pushing strollers and looking fresh and content. Me, haggard and exhausted, 60 lbs heavier than I was 4 years ago from all of the fertility bullshit. The bitterness shows on my aging face I think as I look in the mirror. Not that having a child would have changed the southbound features, but maybe it might have slowed its pace I reason. 28, the number doesn't roll off my tongue as easily as the smaller numbers did. I pick up "In Touch magazine only to read that being pregnant is the new In thing to do [Not that I wasn't warned I mean the cover does say in bold "BumpWatch"], wow and I thought it was still the sex tape that was the hottest thing. I curse the beautiful women in the pages with huge baby bellies wondering if they really want the child, or is this just another TomKat, Brangelina publicity stunt. I flip the next page and there is J-Lo, Jenn Aniston and Nicol Kidman sporting a super small "I ate a big lunch bump" and the tabloids have all deemed them secretly pregnant.. for these women I hope they are, even J-Lo whom I normally detest, I think that she could do with a baby to love more than herself. "Love Brings Happiness- Cancer - Happy Birthday (Who are they kidding) Events planned by friends and family make for an excitement-packed week. When it comes to your romantic future, get ready for a big change in a very positive way. Lucky Day Friday".. hmm whats going on Friday I think.. Thursday is our Anniversary.. then a date catches my eye on the page. "Forecast for July 10 - 16" oh so my lucky day was last Friday and I missed it. What was lucky for me on Friday I wonder? I picked up Mom and went to whole foods for groceries, Nope I am sure I remember paying the $300.00 bill so that wasn't very lucky. Mom and I went to the Keg for dinner I ordered a half lobster and steak dinner only to crack open my lobster and find it raw.. so was my luck that I did not eat the raw shellfish and get violently ill? or that my meal was free (What little I ate of it, since I sent it back to the kitchen and declined a fresh apparently cooked plate) . That was the extent of my lucky Friday. Now that I think about it, it was lucky for me, I did not receive one piece of bad news that day, nothing fell apart and I didn't get smacked with anything more unusual than normal. Oh Lucky Day! Fuck New Years Resoloutions I never make any new Years resoloution, they always seem cliche (unlike making birthday resoloutions) You know, staring into the mirror at the age of 28 hormonal zits still enjoying the spotlight on my super fair skin I decide now is the time I should make changes. Here is my attempt. *Disclaimer* I reserve the right to deny any of these claims, resoloutions or pretent like I never made any of them at any time, even if they are staring me in the face and written in print on paper or by electronic means, overheard, said or spoken about at anytime without just cause or reason. - Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day - Eat organic whenever possible, -stop pumping my body with xenoestrogens, not that I know what xenoestrogens are but "Sky" the hippie that works at my local natural food store was telling me how toxic they are to my fertile soul. - Exercise, *TRY* yet again to lose this fertility treatment weight - Curb my trucker mouth that has perfected itself over the 8 years I have worked with mainly single men... hoping to cause the effect of being slightly more ladylike.

Letting Go

2006-07-13T03:25:00.000-04:00

I have so much anger and toxicity in my body. I carry this weight around like heavy baggage. Strapped to me so much that it has become a part of who I am. I grew up with this hate, this pain, venom. Its so painful that I have never come to terms with it. I am not sure I will ever be "easy" over it. I feel that this evil I have trapped inside, this need for retribution that I carry with me weighing on my body and my heart is slowly defeating me. I have struggled with the word forgiveness for so long. I have tried to consider it, contact it and let the word fall off my tongue, but it just doesn't seem to come out. Besides it would be on deaf ears, the person that needs to hear it won't speak to me. Here is my attempt to let go, here is my story. My parents split when I was 6, My mother and I are obviously very close, I stayed with my mom as my father worked shift work and was rarely a part of our life as is. My brother stayed with my mom for a while but my dad had the cash for the toys and lets face it, boys love toys.. so off he went to be with his dirt bike and freedom (because Dad still wasn't there much). Eventually my Dad met another Woman, which is all nice, and they settled in together. My Dad would make plans to meet me on Friday after school to go to their house for the weekend. I used to get all excited, do my hair and pack my suitcase, sit on the front steps and wait for Dad. I would wait not wanting to move from the porch for hours thinking, if I left he might miss me or something. Mom would call me for dinner and I would decline saying I was supposed to have dinner with dad. The hours would tick by, he wouldn't show. He would sometimes show at around 11pm or call the next day, give some lame excuse that he had to work late or that he got called to the office. I would buy it and we would reschedule only to have the same thing happen... As years went by I went fewer and fewer times to see my dad. His new wife was never friendly with me, she would pretend to be nice while he was around, then scorn me when his back was turned. She would tell me I was fat, and useless. I hated her. I was forced into counselling, when the counsellor sided with me and said I was fine, the counsellor was a crock and useless too. Soon everytime I saw my father we fought. Years passed. I work at the same place, yet we never "see" eachother We barely spoke, I saw him for the last time 5 years ago. I was engaged to be married and I met him outside a coffee shop, I wanted to see if I could invite him to my wedding. When I started speaking with him, he soon began a rant of how evil me and my mother was and how I cost him all this money (because he ONLY spoke about money). I had decided to never see him again. I left, he left. We have never spoken since. In 2004 he was in a serious car accident, I reached out to make amends, but I was given the hyseman by his wife. He recovered, and is back to doing whatever he does. My Grandmother passed away in December, I did not even get a call to say she had gone. A family friend felt pity on me and informed me of her passing, just in time for the viewing. I went after everyone else had left and said my peace with her. I have unanswered questions. Living through this infertility nightmare, I could not imagine abandoning the one thing I worked soo hard to have. Wasn't I the child he and mom worked 11 years for? How could he just turn his back on me, forget me like I was some dirty little secret of his. I have spent many years fighting this inner turmoil, I have looked for inner peace and understanding, but always came up short. Even the thought of him stirs emotions and painful memories. C learned very early on in our courtship that tardiness is unacceptable, even a 10 minute lateness closes my airways and brings me to panic. Like a wave of emotion I feel as though I am back 24 years waiting for something that isn't coming. I hate that C works 2 jobs and I wish we spent more time together, and money well money will always be a challenge so there is no point in arguing over it. I am detoxing my body, and now I am detoxing my soul and searching deep within to find free myself of this hate, because lets face it. He is never going to know how I feel. The only person I am waging war with is myself. I am not going to ever right this wrong, so there is just no purpose to continue to hold this rage so close to me. I am doing what I should have done years ago. Forgive. I forgive you dad. I will need to work on the forget.