My entire life, I’ve been a day-dreamer.  I can waste (or fill) hours of time just staring off into space and “dreaming” with my eyes wide open.  I think my daydreaming is a big part of my insomnia issues.  I always describe my insomnia as “not being able to shut my head off”  Life gets difficult for me when I get overwhelmed and daydreaming just kind of takes over.

When Jim (my non-step stepfather) became sick and subsequently died, I let a lot of things slide.  I’m still trying to “catch-up” but something in my personality when it becomes overwhelmed just shuts down.  I become “paralyzed” if you will, by indecision and “where do I begin”.  In the end, nothing gets done, but I dream about it!  And boy do I dream a lot.  I dream of places I want to go, places I want to see, things I’d like to try.  I research them, I dream of them and then after I’ve wasted a huge amount of time, something else strikes my fancy and I move towards it.  I also dream of the past and relive moments in my life sometimes as they really happened and sometimes I change the moments in my life to have a different outcome.  I’m a dreamer, I tell ya!  And boy do I dream.

This isn’t to say that I can’t handle crisis well, or multi-task.  I love to be busy but ORGANIZED busy.  When things (rarely) get away from me, that’s when I get into trouble.

In my twenties, I used to grab the world by the horns and just Go For It!  I didn’t let decisions and choices tie me down.  I’d throw my path up to the wind and say “I’m Going to do THIS” and I’d get it done.

I remember having a t-shirt as a tween that fit my personality well.  It was based off of my astrological sign and read (I can’t believe I still remember this!):

Aquarius:

Lucky Number Zero:  Also the number of faults I have.

Lucky Sign:  Please Do Not Disturb

I am an idealistic dreamer, ideally I’d rather be at home dreaming.

I think it’s ok to be a dreamer as long as you don’t dream your real life away.

I need to find a way to unearth myself and rejoin the wakeful world.  Perhaps it’s time to look into meditation.  Wonder if that’s the cure for the funk that I’m in.  I know one thing that would help….. I need to stay away from realtor.com! 

Let me start by saying that cancer SUCKS.  And just so we’re really clear on that, CANCER REALLY SUCKS.  It’s a parasite, a life-sucker, a disaster, a catastrophe, a heart-ache and a thief.  It steals from us our most valuable assets.  It robs us of people that we hold near and dear.  It weakens us even when it doesn’t attach directly to us.  It wreaks havoc on our world and teaches lessons of mortality whether we want to learn them or not.  IT SUCKS.

I hate cancer.  I despise it and I fear it.  I mourn what it takes, I grieve for what it steals.  I question its existence.  I ponder its worth.  It has none.  It’s a cockroach.  It’s useless, dirty and despicable.  And it hurts.  Damn it hurts.

Yesterday, cancer STOLE from me, my Jeeeeeem.  My Jim.  My non-step-stepfather.  My Father.  My children’s grandpa.  My Mom’s husband.  It also took my breath away and left me gasping.  More importantly it took JIM’s breath away.  I mourn for him.  I will always miss him and love him.  He was my father for 23 years and I adored him.

Last year I wrote this about Jim in my Fathers Day Tribute:

I used to have a really hard time “celebrating” or even recognizing Father’s Day. The other day I told you about my “Daddy“. My birth father and a man that I loved deeply. He left big shoes to fill, too big for any mortal man BUT…. there’s a big BUT (and it’s not my BUTT).

My mom met and married a saint 22 years ago. Saint Jim. He’s my step father but I’m proud to honor him on Fathers Day. He never has tried to replace my “Daddy” but he has become in every way shape and form a Father to me. He’s a kind and loving man who treats me like his own flesh and blood. He goes above and beyond to keep me a part of his life and his family. He helps me, loves me and will tell me when I’m being a “dumb shit”… lol   His sense of humor and his one liners make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts. He’ll tell my boys (who call him “Gampa”) to “Come over here so I can unscrew your belly button so your butt will fall off”. He’s hilarious.

I often refer to him as “my Dad” although I do still call him Jim. I’ll say “look at these beautiful bookcases that my Dad built for me!”.  He’s also the handy man who makes these items for me for One Stop Boy Shop:

He’s always there for me, my husband and my children and has embraced us and made us all feel loved.  There’s nothing “step” about him, he’s earned the title of “Father”.  I’ve been very fortunate in my life to be blessed with the love of a Daddy and a Father.

The same words are true today.  They’ll be true tomorrow and I will keep him alive in the hearts and minds of my children.  He was a master carpenter.  Yes he built with wood and nails but he also built with love.  He built a family that will remember him forever.

I’m sad.  Cancer SUCKS.

Please Rest now Jim.  We love you.

You see, I reached a point where something had to give.  Between being a mom to 4 kids, having a full time website business in addition to One Stop Boy Shop, housework, trying to figure out dinner, shuttling kids from drama class, choir, detention, school trips and to t-ball… something had to give.

Additionally I’ve been dealing with icky side effects from the nerve ablation that I had done in the back of my head/neck more than a month ago.  They did successfully get rid of my migraines and headaches YAY!!!!  BUT, I got a rare side effect (yay me) and the back of my head is very sore.  The nerves are (to quote my doctor) “pissed off”.  Gee thanks Doc, you just made me lose my G-Rating!

To combat the nerve anger (even my hair hurts), I’ve been having to take pain medication which makes me grumpy and gives me insomnia and also a very scary nerve medication that is used to treat epilepsy. As I understand it, eventually my nerves will forgive the intrusion.  I’ve tried apologizing to them but they are stubborn.  But this too shall pass.

So as I was saying before I interrupted myself… something had to give.  Unfortunately, that “something” was my love to writing and reading blogs as well as books.  Good books?   Nope.  Not really.  I am actively reading 4 books but very slowly and they’re either not very good or maybe it’s that I just don’t have enough time to get into them and truly enjoy them.

I want very badly to catch up with you all and will do so even if it means I have to do it slowly.

It’s funny how blogging gets into your blood.   If it’s not already a saying, it should be; “Once a Blogger, Always a Blogger”.  Even though my words aren’t making it into type, I can’t tell you how often I still blog in my mind.  Something will happen, even trivial and I’ll start working up the words that I would write in my blog.  In the past, those words would make it into my blog as a draft to be completed later.  In the past, “Later” would come.  Nowadays, the words aren’t making it out of my head and into a post.

Even though I’m not blogging here, I’m still and perhaps evermore “Blogging in my mind”.

I had a friend back in the early 90’s that was from Iceland.  Her name was Sigurbjörg (spelling may be wrong).  She was a tall, slender and beautiful red headed girl.  I remember her telling me she wanted to live in the United States because “Iceland this big (holding her fingers about 2 inches apart) and Sigurbjörg THIS BIG (holding her arms apart)”. I felt really bad when she was denied her Student Visa and was sent back to Iceland.    We just don’t seem to keep the right people sometimes!  Well, I guess to be fair, she wasn’t approved her student visa because she wasn’t a student any longer.

The volcano has renewed my interest exponentially.  I’ve found myself again, scouring the online newspapers and reading them from Iceland, Denmark and Sweden (in English!).  I’m 100% Scandinavian of descent myself (more Swedish than anything) complete with the blond hair, although I missed out on the blue eyes and have brown eyes instead.   I have always wanted to go there and have wanted to learn how to speak Swedish.   In fact, I’ve had this on my Amazon Wish List since 2001!  No way would I want cassette tapes anymore!  LOL

And then there’s Alexandar Skarsgard……. 

Jag vill tala svenska

Jag vill åka till Sverige

This past weekend, we were invited to preview a concert that he would be having in a statewide competition.  The schools aren’t competing against each other, but it’s still a competition because each school is ranked on how well they perform.  My son’s middle school band was awarded 1st (along with other schools)!  But they’re good!  They’re really getting good.  1st is equal to a rating of “Superior”.  It was a joy to listen to where they’ve come.  It brought a tear of joy to my eyes and I couldn’t have been more proud.

And now, for your listening pleasure, I give you………  My Son (and his classmates)!

My 12yo son and I went to watch the 1st night’s show and it was so good! Those kids worked so hard and all of their efforts paid off. The audience was 100% entertained for the 50 minute musical.
Here is a small clip of “Red Riding Hood”.

Now getting her ready for the play is another story! Remember, I’m a mom of all boys and “hairdo’s” aren’t a priority in my house generally. But Taylor, needed/wanted curls in her thick, straight long hair for the play. What’s a “mom-on-loan” to do? Admittedly, I’m not a girlie girl.  I’m a wash and wear kind of gal myself, but I DID grow up in the 80’s and had the big hair to prove it!  I channeled my Aqua Spray (aka hair glue) self from the 80’s and I did my best. Each night of the play, we spent 40 minutes inhaling the fumes from mega quantities of hairspray.  We sweat over the hot curling iron and at the end, we did ok!

Taylor hopes to be on Broadway someday.  I think she’s well on her way to realizing her dreams.  She is so determined, motivated and feels there’s nothing she can’t do (rightly so).  I have no doubts she’ll fulfill her dreams.  Keep dreaming big my Taterbug!

Now to find a chisel to remove the over-spray of hair glue (aka hair spray) that is covering my bathroom door, door knob, floor and countertop!

Hope you enjoy it!

As I pulled my coffee cup down this morning for my daily infusion of caffeine, I was a bit startled when I really looked at the mug. It was from a training event and says: Novell. the power to chaNge. Two and a half years out of the industry now makes me obsolete, the technology isn’t the same as when I left to stay home with my boys. With technology changing and evolving everyday, I fear that I have now reached my expiration date. Getting back in now would be next to impossible. I have antiquated knowledge and let’s face it; I’m no spring chicken anymore! Just for fun, I’ve actually applied for a few things here and there. Even things that I’m way over-qualified for and I only received one nibble.

Nathan is SO ready to go to school, but with 1 income (yes I’m a web designer from home but I don’t charge enough for any of that money to make it into the family coffers) we just can’t afford tuition for 2 kids. This morning while dropping Ian off, Nathan threw a HUGE fit wanting to stay and go to school. Most kids cry when their parents leave, mine cried because I wouldn’t/couldn’t let him stay.

With our economy in it’s current state, the job market is flooded with nerds like myself who haven’t taken a 2 1/2 year voluntary hiatus.  I think it’s time to say good-bye to my beloved career in I.T. and look towards something else… or I need to resign myself that I’m a stay at home mom…. one who needs to learn how to be a housewife.  Me?  A HOUSEWIFE?  Like June Cleaver?  Ummmmm…  Maybe I can grow Pages By Nancy into something bigger and better than it is.  I have plenty of business, just not enough income.

But today, I reflect on Days Gone By.  Novell is right… we have the power to change.  Into what?  What does the future hold?  Only time will tell.

Here are the books:

I also just enjoyed this book of short stories that fills in some gaps:

The DVDs:

and a clip from YouTube that might make you understand my obsession!  LOL

For my Mommy Board friends (SMM)…. thank you for finding that last video (I know it was just for me, right?) to feed my obsession and thanks for the HVA!

I’ve looked everywhere.

Mom Asks – Dad: Where is the bathroom soap:? Dad “I don’t know”

Mom Asks – Son 1: Where is the bathroom soap?  Son 1 “How should I know?”

Mom Asks (aka Aunt Nancy) – Daughter on Loan: Where is the bathroom soap, it was there when you cleaned the bathroom.   Daughter ” It’s on the counter.”
Mom “Ummmmm, nope, I wouldn’t be asking you if it were there.”

Mom Asks – Son 2, “Where is the bathroom soap?”  Son 2 “I don’t know, maybe Nathan took it.”

Mom Asks “Nathan, Where is the bathroom soap?”  Nathan “It’s upstairs.”  Mom “Where Upstairs?”  Nathan “Upstairs”

Ok, so Nathan’s look and answer lead me to believe that he Might have knowledge of said missing soap.  I look upstairs…. nope all of the bathrooms up there have their appointed soap and no extra bottles.  I look in his room.  I look in all of his favorite hiding places… in end table drawers, his play kitchen, the china cabinet.  No soap.

I confess, I’ve become a bit obsessed by this case of missing soap.  Yes I have more (and have one in there now) but I want to know where the original is!  Where did it go?  How could it have just disappeared?  I may need to call in professionals (detectives or psychiatrists, one of the two).

Why is this blog worthy?  I have no idea but since I’ve lost most of my commenters (but not Suzen, thank you!) during my blogging hiatus, I figure I can blog about whatever I want until they come back!  hehehehehe

In the meantime, I’m still hunting for that dern missing soap!