Bee at science camp with her class

Today is Bee’s last day of sixth grade. When she joined our family four and a half years ago, she could not speak English, could not read her native language (Amharic), and had very little formal schooling. She was ten years old, but together with our agency, we legally changed her age to make her nine, hoping that would give her a little extra time to catch up to her peers.

That decision has produced some issues, and having been adoptive parents for over six years, I’m not sure we would do it again, but that is a post for another day.

When Bee joined our family in the summer of 2008, we expected she would be homeschooled with her siblings. We assumed it would help her attach and feel safe in our family. She pleaded with us to send her to school (once again, another post), and would say, “I go school, please Mom?” Dimples’ challenges were becoming more and more significant, and that January she entered a small K – 3 public school; Bee pleaded to join her, and we agreed. That was our first foray into public education and was a hard transition for me, but the girls did very well, and I began to breathe again.

The following year Dimples attended a small Christian school, and Bee came home to be homeschooled with Ladybug and Sunshine. We made it through the year, but it was hard on both of us. We concluded that after nearly an entire life spent in an orphanage, it was so much work learning to have me as her mom, that I couldn’t also be her teacher.

The next two years were spent at the Christian school with Dimples. While Dimples flourished there, Bee struggled. She needed a lot of support and flexibility, which wasn’t possible in that environment. It was a wonderful community for her; each day she was immersed in a climate in complete contrast to the orphanage:  nurture was high, structure was clear and routines predictable, adults were respected, children were to have self-control, the standard for behavior was high.

But Bee struggled – she was a bright, talented girl whose strengths were not able to shine, and the academic gap seemed to be continually widening.

Then we discovered the charter school at the edge of town. Based on a model of Expeditionary Learning, Bee became part of a team, working with her peers to explore, study, and create finished projects to share with the community. One of Bee’s highlights was creating the compass rose for a map of a local area. Her talents shone and with lots of support from her teacher (who was fantastic), she made great strides academically. It was a wildly successful year for her.

Bee told me that last year she felt stupid every day when she went to school. This year she is sad to see the year end and can’t wait for seventh grade to begin. That, my friends, is a dramatic change for Bee, and we could not be happier.

Question: What educational choices have you made for your children? What options have your tried?

Lisa

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We recently adopted a 9 month old baby girl from Ethiopia. Ever since we’ve had her, it was been a struggle to do diaper changes. She screams every time. It’s so bad that she starts fussing as soon as she see’s us grab a diaper. We have tried things such as putting her in front of the TV while changing, giving her a toy, talking to her, but nothing seems to distract her enough to keep her from screaming. We’ve had 2 children from birth and have not ever experienced anything like this. Do you have any recommendations?

Okay, all of you parents out there – what are your thoughts? What are your suggestions? Any encouraging words for them? Please take a moment to leave a comment to support and encourage them.

I am going to Spokane today and will be without my computer, but I’ll check in as often as I can to approve your comments. If they don’t show up for awhile, know that I am on the road or without internet access.

Ladybug and Sunshine are both getting their braces off this morning. Sunshine’s were her first phase of treatment, so braces will come around again. Ladybug should be all done. They are both quite excited.

I am ready for some more Tuesday Topic questions. If you have something you would like to ask, please email it to me at lisa@onethankfulmom.com. Please put “Tuesday Topic” in the subject line. All questions are welcome.

And don’t forget to enter the drawing for the $100 Shell gift card! One of you is going to win it and I can’t wait to see who it is.

Encourage one another,

Lisa

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Many of us are familiar with the popular verses written about love in 1 Corinthians 13. We read that,

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶ it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ⁸ Love never ends…

These verses are loaded with meaning, so much so that  I’m stuck on the first three words, “Love is patient.” In the past, I thought about being patient for a period of time – a day, a week, or maybe a month? But the Lord showed me something last winter that I have been thinking about ever since.

I was worried about one of my children and how a decision might affect this child’s life. My mind was running to the future – months and years stretching out before us. I envisioned all of the painful possibilities and in my fear, I wanted to grab some false sense of control, and change this child right here and now.

Then I was struck by something. When God says, “Love is patient,” He is not talking about a short period of time, He may be speaking about years of patience. We tend to lock people in to the way we see them here and now, but God does not see them that way at all; He sees their entire life story stretching from beginning to end. He is writing our children’s stories with His mighty and gentle hand – they are not locked in to the present, but are always moving along the path of their life.

What does this mean to me as a mother? Each of my children is on a journey. I need to be patient and lovingly allow the Lord to lead them, even when it is painfully slow or uncomfortable. While I must speak truth to them, after all, “love rejoices in the truth,” it is vital that I sit with them in their mess, right where they are, and let their story unfold.

We are mothers and fathers who know that, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

We must always trust that God loves our children far more than we do and while we would like to control their life stories, making them neat and tidy, we can’t deprive them of their own journey with God.

I am quite sure that when I was a teen, my parents feared I had ruined my life – and they were not alone. Looking back, we can now see that the trials in that season were part of my journey to becoming the woman and mother I am now.

Love is patient – may we be patient with our children, and the people we love, trusting that God is the Great Author. We can’t expect the beautiful ending when we’re still in the early chapters of the book – pray, wait, then pray some more.

Lisa

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2009

I love the quiet of my house this Sunday morning. Soon we’ll be rushing about getting everyone out the door to church, but for the next few minutes, it’s me, coffee, my Bible, and Dietrich Bonhoeffer – or his biography, at least. I’m determined to finish reading last month’s book group pick before I move on to the next one. With over 500 pages, every fifteen minutes counts.

We had a hard week, yet there were so many dramatic moments of grace, that as I look back I can see how the Lord carried us every single day.

giving thanks #1111 – 1120

lilacs, in three hues, blooming in our yard

prayer dramatically answered  last week

Hannah home for a visit in less than a week

the last week of 6th grade for Bee – she did it!

a ten-minute-tidy-up last night that made all the difference this morning

Sunday dinner planned, with only a few ingredients still needed

kindness in the most unexpected places

Isaiah and Ladybug performing together last week

summer stretching before us

an unexpected and very wonderful date with Russ

What moments of grace were you given last week? How did the Lord meet your need, answer your prayer, or simply surprise you with His goodness? I would love to hear from you.

Have a wonderful Sunday, friends.

Lisa

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I was reminded of this great acronym earlier this week when I saw it hanging on a friend’s refrigerator.

THINK

T: Is it truthful?

H: Is it helpful?

I: Is it inspiring?

N: Is it necessary?

K: Is it kind?

Have you used this with your children?  I need to work on this with my kids this summer.

Any other brilliant acronyms you can share with us?

Happy Friday,

Lisa

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How does shame affect the way we parent? We place such high expectations on ourselves, yet sometimes we find that even with the best education and support, our children’s brokenness is more than we can heal. We mothers should be able to heal our children, right? Well, I couldn’t, and I know that many of you can’t either. And while I can extend grace to others with relative ease, I struggle to extend it to myself.

Brene Brown’s research on shame is fascinating. Her TED talk on vulnerability has been viewed over nine million times. Her talk on shame, which she gave a year later, was instrumental in helping me to look at shame in my own life. I struggle with it – and I find there are things I don’t write about because of the shame.

I read this quote a few weeks ago and tucked it away to share with you. It’s from an interview given by Brene Brown.

How has understanding shame and vulnerability changed you as a parent?

Oh, it’s changed everything. My husband’s a pediatrician, so he and I talk about parenting all the time. You can’t raise children who have more shame resilience than you do. Because even if you don’t shame them, and even if you are actively trying to raise them feeling good about who they are, they’re never going to treat themselves better than you treat yourself. So that’s the bad news and the good news, but mostly the sucky news.

If you want to raise a daughter with a really healthy body image, you better love your body as a mother, because that counts way more than looking at your daughter and saying “You’re beautiful and your body is beautiful.” All that matters to her is how she sees you acting with your own body. Which sucks. We can’t give children what we don’t have. We just have to be the adults we hope they grow up to be.

Overcoming shame is inextricably tied to our belief about who Jesus is and what the gospel means. We belong to a loving Father who has washed away our sin and made us “white as snow” (Isaiah 1:18). We are new creatures made in His image. We are so loved that He gave his life for us.

So, why do we let the enemy whisper in our ear that we are not enough, that we are failures, that we will never overcome our pasts? We assume guilt for our children’s behavior that does not belong to us. We question the path we’ve taken in seeking help for them – and we doubt the choices we’ve made. We worry far too much about what people think.

I’m working this through in my own life, and I hope some of you are with me on this journey. I just bought the book, Shame Interrupted, and plan to read it (along with the other books in my ridiculously huge stack) this summer. Anybody care to join me?

Thank you for sharing my life, friends.

Encourage one another,

Lisa

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I would love to hear some discussion about how to deal with other children’s perceptions (and, often, rejection) of our special needs kids.

My school-aged children have lingering orphanage behaviours, and we often see these behaviours alienate our children from their peers.  When they gorge their school lunches in front of classmates, or when they are confronted with a triggering situation and emotionally regress into preschool behaviours, their friends are confused and uncomfortable.

Although there were dozens of play date invitations for my children when they first joined our family, we have watched all these invitations dwindle away to nothing.  My children never get invited to parties or play dates anymore, and the other kids think that they’re “weird,” and shun them.  It’s not that their peers are deliberately being unkind, but my children’s behaviours can be very off-putting, and are understandably embarrassing for their peers to watch.

My kids notice, of course, and they want to know why this is happening.  While I understand the reasoning of these other kids and their parents, I don’t know how to talk to my kids about this in a way that doesn’t hurt their fragile self-esteem.

Please take a moment to leave a comment or encouraging word for Gwen. I would love to hear your thoughts.

If you have a  Tuesday Topic you would like me to share, please email it to me at lisa@onethankfulmom.com and put “Tuesday Topic” in the subject line.

Encourage one another,

Lisa

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How was your Mother’s Day? Our morning started with Sunshine making coffee for me and then all of us rushing out the door to the 8:30 service at church. We were late, which was disappointing because I love being in time for all of worship. Despite that, we got seats near the front, which helps the kids stay more focused.

After worship a video about motherhood was shown. I started to watch it and then realized that I just wasn’t up for an encouraging “motherhood is wonderful and hard, and you are amazing” message, so I read through the sermon notes instead. The sermon spoke to me on so many levels. I thought continually of Bee and Dimples, and how  important it is to rejoice over the good that God is doing in their lives, and remember how precious they are to Him.

At home, the kids prepared a wonderful dinner, with the boys and Sunshine doing the cooking. We topped it off with iced coffee made by Noah, and strawberry shortcake made by Ladybug. Mimi spent an hour going through my clothes and helping me purge my closet – it was a fantastic gift. My love language is definitely “acts of service”; I loved getting that project done with her help.

Dimples called in the afternoon to wish me a happy Mother’s Day and we talked for a few minutes. Hannah called later in the day after she finished working on a presentation she is giving this week – something about sinusitis in the ICU – but don’t quote me on that. I called my Mom and had a nice chat with both of my parents.

We’re dealing with lots of appointments and complex schedules for Bee and some of our other children right now. The numerous phone calls and scheduling challenges are consuming much of my time and seemingly all of my mental space; it’s taking a toll on me.

If you think of us, please pray for strength, wisdom, and peace this week. Thank you, friends.

Tell me about your Mother’s Day – I want to hear from you – even if it was a hard one.

Remember to enter the giveaway for a $100 Shell gift card for your summer vacation!

Lisa

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I’ve given birth eight times.  Call me crazy, but I birthed my babies naturally, and half of them at home. Each labor brought me to a moment of not knowing if I could make it through. It was unbelievably hard and sometimes I was scared. But every single time I went into labor, I set my mind on the purpose of the contractions – my baby. I focused on the joy that would come when that little one was in my arms.

These years are like that. I’m laboring for my children who came to me from hard places. There are days when I don’t think I’ll make it through, when the pain is too great and I’m scared. I cry out for an emotional epidural. Then I set my mind on my purpose of loving the children God gave me, of believing for their healing, and of holding on to the knowledge that God is good and He placed them in our family. I waver, I fail, then the people who love me come alongside and help me see the truth once again.

I come to this  Mother’s Day with joy and sorrow entwined. My arms have been filled, my table is surrounded; I know I am abundantly blessed. Yet, loving the brokenhearted has broken my heart, loving the wounded has wounded me, and loving orphans “in their distress” has brought distress to me.

This Sunday we will see women who are suffering because they have not been able to become mothers and there is severe aching in their hearts. What we may not see are the women who have children in prison, those who are walking the long journey of mental illness by their children’s sides, and mothers in the midst of painful struggles with children who have rejected the family, or forsaken the faith they once held dear.

I don’t have profound wisdom, only this, if your heart is hurting as Mother’s Day approaches, you are not alone. There is no shame in acknowledging that being a mother can be very hard. God knows this, and somehow he counts us worthy of this beautiful, broken, messy calling.

The Lord will,

…comfort all who mourn,  and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61: 2 – 4

I pray for glimpses of beauty and moments of praise in your heart this Mother’s Day.

Lisa

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Progress on our remodel is slow-going, but we’re moving steadily forward with building a bedroom for Dimples. The plan is to empty our garage in order to remodel it into two small bedrooms and a tiny bit of indoor storage. Dimples has to have her own room with a small bathroom when she comes home, just like she has at her school. The second bedroom will likely be for Bee, who desperately wants her own room.

Russ is building a storage area in our barn in order to give us a place to move the things that currently fill our garage. Now that the weather is nice, I want to open the garage door and haul everything out so I can sort through what needs to stay, and what can go. Bins of homeschool books need to stay – after all, Little Man is only six. Ski gear, Christmas decorations, ice skates, and camping gear will all be stored. I hope to find plenty of things I can part with, like baby toys and outgrown clothes.

Last weekend Russ worked into the evening, and the kids climbed up the ladder to join him in the new loft. He set up utility lights so he could work late into the night.  Little Man was thrilled to hammer nails alongside his daddy.  Now Russ is grading finals and preparing two papers for submission to journals. Once those are done, he’ll turn his mind back to the barn project.

I mentioned it to Dimples and she expressed that she doesn’t really want her own room. Since it isn’t an option, I encouraged her that she will get to pick the paint color, she’ll have her own desk, and we’ll hang a bulletin board for all of her special pictures. Until she went to her school, she had never slept in a room alone, so it still feels new and a little scary. At her school, there is a counselor awake all night, which probably makes her feel safer. When my youngest sister was little, she had a portable intercom she could use to reach my parents whenever she needed them. Perhaps something like that would work for Dimples too.

Please pray for us that this project will come together and we’ll be amazed at the progress we make in the coming weeks.

If you would like to read my previous Home posts, click below:

Home: Square Footage vs. Debt

Home: Debt, Faith, Blessing

Home: A Realistic Look at Finances

Home: Barn Storage

Don’t forget to enter the drawing for a $100 Shell Card giveaway. With summer nearly here, a little extra money for gas would be fantastic. Have a wonderful weekend, friends.

Lisa

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