For success of course, then both lovers have to be committed to making things work, though undoubtedly this can be very difficult. In fact, I said to her that it could be even more difficult to work out than the recent airlines strike! Focus on common ground, that’s what the negotiators say.

These issues can be more acute if you are not in the first flush of youth and have established your home and way of life, with a fair amount of material  possessions around you.

How do Space Issues Arise?

Well, the issue first comes about when you agree where to live – her place or your place, or do you get a place together? When relationships start, you begin to stop over at each other’s place, there is no explicit agreement, it’s just ‘let’s see how it goes’. Slowly, the centre of gravity moves one way or the other, and your (or your lover’s) pile of clothes, washbag and so on starts to accumulate at the emerging centre of gravity.

Then, maybe, you decide to give up your place (or your lover gives up theirs) – selling it or renting it out.

Developing Space Issues

As all this happens, though, you start to work it out – you (or your other) clear out some drawers and cupboard space. Maybe you are tidy and your other is untidy – that’s stress in itself.

The issues of space can be sharper if you work from home (as I now do) and the other person is there a lot of the time. Guys are in general more single minded – I like to concentrate on my work without interruption, and finding space (without interruption) in someone else’s place for this single-minded work can be difficult. But it’s not only physical space, it’s mental space as well – space to think, even space to watch different TV shows or entertain friends.

House Rules

When you live in someone else’s space, then the house rules are theirs and it can be very frustrating that you have no call over the space or the rules, even if you contribute to the running costs and upkeep. In my own place in another life I eventually learned to be very flexible, but if you are with someone who is very particular and set in their ways then that can be challenging.

And, as we get older and even more set in our ways, then the challenges can be greater.

Symptoms

Having lived with people who have found it difficult to have new partners in their space and therefore experienced it first-hand, I have become very aware of this issue, and the symptoms. Indeed, I have been told by a partner that it was very difficult for her having someone in her space. I guess that could be down to me, but I did coexist fairly happily for 15 years in another relationship!

If you are both living in your place, then when the other person tries to express a strong opinion about, say, what colour a wall should be painted, and you think ‘hey, that’s my wall, we’ll have what I like’ then that’s a sign, just thinking it. It works both ways, and if you are in your partner’s place and think ‘no, I don’t really want to live in a room with a purple wall’ then that’s a pointer to a problem.

These sorts of issues can get magnified out of proportion when both of you are strong willed; if only one is strong willed then the other person could start to feel ridden over. This could lead to resentment.

Finding Solutions

The most obvious solution is to rent or buy a place together, though even that may not work for some couples.

If you are very committed, you can see this as an opportunity to dump a load of junk and baggage and focus on the bare minimum. You can then together build up your joint possessions together.

Of course, this is risky in itself as you think – ‘if this goes wrong, who gets what?’ and ‘maybe I’d be safer hanging on to my place and stuff, you know, just in case….’. And what if there’s say, a dog?

Another solution is to have periods apart – maybe short breaks visiting friends and family – some couples even have holidays apart, but for me that wouldn’t work. I mean, why be together at all?

Then, getting away together into neutral space – say a weekend away – can also lower the temperature.

So, all in all Space can be an issue. The Final Frontier? Maybe. When you cross a frontier, then you are into new territory!

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To join eHarmony is quite a challenge. There is a questionnaire to start with, and you do not know how much the subscription is until you have completed the questionnaire (though there are researchers who have set up trial memberships to find out, and published their findings on the web).

What may be a concern though is that with eHarmony’s questionnaires concerning lifestyle and income level before you know the subscription level, they may well set a particular individual’s subscription level based on the answers given. Without transparency, how can anyone tell? Other sites, such as MyMatchMature or DatingDirect are quite upfront about subscription levels.

Questionnaire
Well, what about the joining process? With most sites this is relatively straightforward and speedy – MyMatchMature has two steps and you can enter as much detail as you want. No doubt eHarmony would say that several hundred mandatory questions about likes/dislikes/ personality type and so on will improve the match and their success rates, with a benefit to their subscribers, and that is fair enough.

I ploughed through the process (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) and was then told that there were no suitable matches. Of course, the several hundred personality type test questions may well have identified me as a poor prospect (and the techniques are such that false answers can be identified) or a lurker. If the matching is so specific, then serendipity is removed, and I think that there has to be some serendipity in the online dating process.

Then, there is eHarmony’s killer question at the end – ‘Have you used an online dating agency before’? Generously, I would say that this is purely for market research, though a cynic might say that eHarmony’s approach is so radically different that potential customers who have used other sites may have issues with the customer experience (which I cannot comment on as eHarmony was ‘unable to provide you with a service’).

Matching Approach
eHarmony’s matching approach is based on extensive psychological research, the profiling techniques used are based on those which are in widespread use in the professional and commercial world, and the founder of the business has great expertise in that area. But, it is quite a different approach to the matching process used by other agencies. eHarmony offer you matches based on your personality profile and interests. Their approach is based on extensive data analysis of married couples using regression analysis (a technique to measure linkage of features to results). This is a proven and widely accepted analytical method.

Personal Data
Finally, having failed to be accepted as a subscriber, I am very glad that I did not complete the personality inventory questions with complete truthfulness, otherwise my personality profile would be onfile in eHarmony’s database. At the end of the process eHarmony does offer a printout of the personality findings, but the actual button to obtain it was not offered on my screen.

Features
The features offered by eHarmony (as far as external research has been able to determine) do not appear to be any different (and perhaps even less in scope) than other sites such as MyMatchMature offers. Some features, for example, Starsign compatibility, are important to some people (that is, they can use this to search for members). This does not appear to be a feature of eHarmony’s site, and obviously it is their right to define their service offering.

Limitations
So, they claim that they are able to predict with great accuracy the best matches for people. Of course, this data relates to heterosexual couples, and so eHarmony does not offer its services to people looking for partners of the same sex. This has been subject to successful legal challenge in the US.

Local Version
eHarmony has been heavily promoted in the UK, and intriguingly claims on its site that it has been “Scientifically adapted for the UK in collaboration with the Oxford Internet Institute at the University of Oxford”. I do not know if that means that the analytical method has been changed. The Oxford Internet Institute is ‘devoted to the impact of the Internet on society’.

In Conclusion
So, all in all, if you are looking for a heterosexual partner, have the stamina to wade through the questionnaire and are prepared to put your full personality inventory into their database, without knowing the cost in advance, then give it a try. They are undoubtedly successful and ranked number 3 on one listing I saw. I do know, with direct experience, that the more normal agencies do work well also.

© 2010 Phil Marks

So, you have bitten the bullet and joined an online dating agency, maybe two and entered maybe a basic profile. Hopefully you have chosen a clever user id. ‘Sal1234’ is hardly memorable, but something like ‘MustangSally1’ or ‘FranTheArtLover’ certainly is. If you haven’t then it is easy to get another free membership offer.

Here are some top dating tips for writing your profile – these will make the whole process much more enjoyable (and less costly) for you. Concentrate on getting the ‘narrative’ or ‘About Me’ section right. This is the free format area where you write your personal essay. Effort here will pay dividends, cutting out the guys you will not want to meet and attracting the guys who will are looking for someone just like you.

Tips 1-4 will help you write this. But don’t write it and then publish it straight away. Write a draft or two and allow 24 hours between each version. The final version will be much, much better, guaranteed! Do check spelling and punctuation – most word processing software will do this for you; then cut and paste the final version into the box on the profile.

Top Dating Tip #1 – Make sure you have a ‘catchy’ tagline (the profile header which shows in search results). For example ‘Smart lady seeking fun and travel with a steady guy’. This says something about what you and what you are looking for, but also sets out the type of person you want to meet, right at the outset, encouraging guys to click and read your profile. You might not like the idea, but you are advertising yourself, and you do want to attract the right people for you.

Top Dating Tip #2 – Think hard about the type of person you are looking for and find eight or ten key words or phrases (positive and negative) which describe that person, eg steady, loyal, loving, money not important though it helps, must have his own hair, like dancing and pets, no gamblers or heavy drinkers. Use past relationships as a guide – what was good and what was bad.

If you have been in a difficult relationship in the past, remember that there is a tendency for women to be attracted to features they recognise, so be aware of this and make sure you eliminate such people at this early stage.

Top Dating Tip #3 – What’s important to you. List the things that are important about yourself and that you want him to appreciate. If you are athletic, then you probably need someone with an interest in sport (playing, not sitting in a bar with a beer). Are you an art lover? If you are, then a guy who thinks Dali is a country in Africa is probably a bad bet. Get beyond the superficial to find guys with similar values to your own.

Top Dating Tip # 4 – What’s vital in your life.

What about children – do you want them, maybe you already are a parent? Whilst there are boxes in the profile for this, you may want to say more. He will have to enjoy taking a parental role (and you may have his children for sleepovers). For example “my children are central to my life and a guy who is closely involved with children of his own and understands and enjoys the challenges of parenthood would be ideal’.

Maybe you are involved in local politics or an action group – these tend to be driven from deep within – then it will be important that you highlight that aspect of yourself.

Top Dating Tip #5 – Use a good photograph, preferably one in which you smile – a dour picture will just scare people off – “she doesn’t look very happy”! Invest in your online profile by using a professional photographer for your first online picture. This is so important. The picture is the first thing men see and men are very visually driven. The difference in response level will be as much as 20 times.

So, if you concentrate on these online dating tips and get your profile right, then you can look forward to meeting the right guys.

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

Ok, if you’ve had a few glasses already then maybe you can get away with some spillage. But on that first date? It’s like that first job interview – don’t do anything that will rock the boat! Oops, there it goes and your date is thinking ‘what a klutz’!

Well, pouring a glass of wine is quite simple. Let us assume that you can open the bottle properly (cutting round the seal, no torn edges); avoid using the ‘waiters friend’ unless you are very experienced with one – use a two lever cork extractor instead. So, bottle open, checked the cork. Have you got the right glass? Let’s watch a video of it being done properly! www.youtube.com pouring wine

Great People Everywhere

By ‘mature’ we mean people who have reached a stage in life (which may not be age related ie senior) when they have experienced one or maybe more serious long term relationships – they probably have children, and very probably a divorce (or two, even more) in their history. They have worked for a living and learned the lessons of the workplace – indeed their career might still be continuing or even ended. They are looking for a partner who is round about the same age or of the same generation and they have a fairly well developed idea of the kind of person they are seeking – their attributes, habits and interests – eg tall, blue eyes, own teeth, likes travel and clubbing and so on.

In terms of age they are probably over 30 and maybe a lot older, though bear in mind that there are people who can be mature (using our definition) even in their mid twenties.

So, they have a rich collection of ‘baggage’ – lessons learned, a seam of good and bad memories, probably family and established community relationships and networks.

Contrast this with people who are generally younger and still looking for the ‘right’ person. Their career might not yet be established, and with social and community networks being less set in stone they are more able (and probably more flexible) about moving home and trying out new ideas. They probably have less well-defined ideas about what they are looking for in a partner.

How is Mature Dating Different?
Usually, mature people engaging in the process have relationships which have ended, and quite often with pain attached. This pain will have bred caution and a natural desire to avoid similar situations again. For example – boredom in a relationship, infidelity, addictions of one sort or another (drugs including alcohol, gambling, sexual addiction even sports), unpleasant personal habits, lack of shared interests. Quite often there will also be a desire to avoid people who remind them of their ‘ex’.

Also, we have the simple fact that getting to know someone really well takes time – there is so much more personal history to exchange. It can be quite wearing meeting a new person every week and listening to their painful divorce history and about their family issues takes energy. Taking that forward further, we come to the point where two family networks are being melded – that is a lot to absorb and manage.

Further, as we said earlier, mature people tend to be older and see life as more finite and probably ‘passing by’ more quickly. Therefore there can be a pressure to ‘get on with it’. This is in conflict with the caution bred out of pain.

Some mature people may have a sense that they have already experienced the ‘real love of their life’ and this could get in the way of a successful new relationship because the standard by which it is being measured (ie their ‘real love of their life’).

Finally, there is availability of time. With family and social networks on both sides, it can be challenging for some to find time for the dating process and developing a new relationship. This can be extremely frustrating for some people, and if you are serious about finding a new partner then you will have to set aside serious amounts of free time. This means that you may have to reconsider your priorities in other areas. After all, showing flexibility is about demonstrating a positive attitude to a potential partner and the importance of that desire to find a partner, in your life.
(c) 2010 Phil Marks

When you enrol for the first time with an online dating agency,  you complete to some degree or other, a personal profile of yourself. You may or may not load a photograph at that time. You then search the profiles of others to seek potential partners. Some profiles you view may have photographs of the other person or sometimes not.

No Photographs on a Profile?
If there’s no picture on a profile when you search, then it could be for several reasons:

• The default search criteria that you are using excludes profiles without photographs. This is easily dealt with by changing those settings in the search panel.
• The person is not technical (though most people today can load a photo or get someone to do it for them).
• The person has just started setting up a basic profile and hasn’t organised a photo yet.
• They have loaded a photograph and it is awaiting approval by the agency (this can in some circumstances take several days).
• The person doesn’t think other people will find them attractive
• The lady is very attractive and wants to restrict her picture to those who are interested in her profile first.  Private photos (e.g. for Favourites Only) help to get around this problem.  This is not usually a problem for men.
• Some people are just nervous or cautious about a visible online presence, and that is quite reasonable. In that case they may well have photographs ready and waiting to send you; alternatively, if the site has the feature, they may have private photographs loaded to be viewed by invitation only.

So,  you can see that there are several valid reasons why photographs may not be present at a given point in time. And, the very person you seek may be one of those!

Importance of Photographs.
Photographs are important, because if someone’s appearance is not attractive to you, then that’s not a good start (and similarly from the other person’s point of view). Of course, when it comes to a photo of yourself, then you will get a much lower response ……….

This is only half the article about photographs….for the full story get my Online Dating Guide!

The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.

(C) 2009 Phil Marks

Now, as in most things, there are people around who are less than honest and can be seen to be dating cheats. By ‘cheats’ I mean people who describe a false history about themselves, claim to be single when they are not, and so on. They have rehearsed their stories well and, like many cheats, can be very credible.

I have some great friends who I have met through online dating and their experiences, together with my own, have enabled me to put together these tips. Patterns emerge, and cheating individuals may become known in the dating community. The very best cheats though are very credible and can bluff the best of us. I have friends who have been ‘conned’ for many months by serial cheats.

OK, so what about the tips for spotting these characters? None of these hold true in all cases, and of course you cannot easily tell if a genuinely single person is not interested in a long term relationship unless they say so (and assuming that is what you also want).

Tip #1 – Telephone Talk – Phone Numbers

You have gone past the initial exchange of emails and arrange to start talking on the phone. From a male perspective, a genuine guy would usually offer his phone number, recognising that a lady may not want to disclose hers at an early stage on security grounds. If the arrangement is always that the other person calls you, then that is a potential signal.

If the other person says that they can only be called on their mobile phone or that they don’t have a landline phone number then that could be another signal. In today’s age, there are people who genuinely do not have landline phone numbers, relying on mobile phones and Skype. So, you should be able to Skype them at home in the evening (though of course you cannot be absolutely sure that they are at home).

Tip #2 – Telephone Talk – Timing

Most working people cannot take personal calls at work, and that is fine. However, if you find that the other person is saying things like:

Only call me on Tuesdays and Thursdays… or
I can’t do evenings because mobile reception is bad at home (and don’t have a landline)…
I’ll call you on Wednesday at 7pm…

..then these are also signals of potential dishonesty.

Tip #3 – Where do we Meet?

Most often, the first one or two dates are on neutral territory. After that, people will start travelling to each other’s areas or towns. If though, there is reluctance on the part of the other person to meet you on their territory, then this could be a signal that not all is as stated in their online dating profile.

Have they given you their home address? You can test this by saying ‘I’d like to see where you live’.

These are 3 great tips – don’t ignore them if you want to avoid disappointment! There are another 2 great tips in the Online Dating Guide.

In Conclusion

None of these tips are, on their own, absolute identifiers of less than honest people, and the best liars will always keep as close to the truth as possible. Watch for patterns though.

Of course, at the end of it all, there are people who are intensely protective of their privacy (and may themselves be very cautious). However, if you are detecting a few of the signals I have listed, then you would be right to be suspicious.

There is the always chance that the other genuine person, protecting their privacy, would consider some of your ‘test questions’ to be intrusive or prying. However, you can always plead ‘I’ve been hurt before and do not want to be hurt again’. Most people would understand this.

In spite of all this, most people are genuine, so enjoy your dating!

The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.

© 2010 Phil Marks

What is the point of this you may ask? Well, in today’s world of online dating and multiple serial relationships, how do you know when the ‘right person’ has come along? Women have a better developed sense of intuition than men, but still make mistakes, so intuition is not the be-all and end-all of making good relationship decisions. Yes, there are certain things that each of us looks for in a relationship, and often we make a compromise.

My list of characteristics is based on what I think is important. Your list may differ – you might not even be seeking a soulmate; some guys only seek someone to kepp them warm, cook and wash their socks; some ladies are only looking for a cheque book. Anyway, my list, based on several good relationships and one definite soulmate (15 good years) is:

- instinctively thinking about one another at the same moment – phoning up only for the other person to say – oh, I was just thinking of you or just about to phone you;

- having tremendous respect for that person’s point of view;

- not referring to them as ‘my husband, boyfriend, girlfriend’ and so on, but as ‘John, Peter, Sandra’ and so on. In my mind, this avoids an implication of possession;

- wanting to be with that person as much as possible

- sharing dreams and hopes for the future, and having a plan or way forward which is jointly shared;

- providing unconditional emotional support. This can undoubtedly be difficult if one believes that the partner’s actions are wrong, but if respect for them is strong then that makes the support easier;

- having the same ideas at the same time. Ok, this is aspirational for some people perhaps, but not unusal. Of course, this can be seen as limiting the development of a relationship, because the challenge of differing perspectives is absent. However, on the other hand it does mean that compromise is required less often, and that can be a boon when one person is less inclined to compromise. Constant compromise by one side only can be corrosive in the long term;

- a core set of shared interests, with each having other interests which bring new aspects and experiences into a relationship. These ’satellite’ interests maintain a continual flow of new events into the partnership.

Some people might say that such relationship with these factors is boring, claustrophobic or clingy – and there are plenty of other descriptions.

For me though, if that is the case, then you are not soulmates. I’ve had relationships with clingy people, and I know I’ve been perceived as clingy in others – the key point though, is that there is a mismatch.

It doesn’t stop you having disagreements, but if you have deep respect then you really listen to what the other point of view is.

Those are the key aspects of what, for me, a soulmate relationship should have.

For the all the lowdown on Online Dating, get the Online Dating Guide.

The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.

(c) 2010 Phil Marks

You have decided on joining an online dating service because you want to broaden your search for the man of your dreams. You appreciate how the service allows you to choose the age range, religion, geographical location and ethnic background of your potential matches. You are ready to put together a compelling dating profile and start looking for love, but you want to keep your personal safety and privacy your first priority.

Follow these safety and privacy tips to ensure a safe and enjoyable online dating experience.

1) When you write your profile, avoid sharing any information that could reveal your identity. Do not share your last name, your phone number, your email address or your home address. Do not share your place of employment, the name of your church, or the name of your health club. Many dating services have members create a “username,” which they use instead of your first name, so then you don’t even have to reveal your first name until you get to know someone well.

2) When you select photos to add to your profile, be extra careful to avoid revealing any personal information. People can gather a lot of information about someone by looking at their photos. Avoid posting photos of you standing in front of your house, you standing next to your car, or you with the sign of any event or club.

3) While communicating with your matches, exercise extra caution. Utilize the dating service to send emails and messages. Do not use your work email address or personal email address. When you get to the stage where you feel comfortable talking to a man on the phone, ensure that you are the one making the phone calls and arrange with your phone company to block your phone number. Do not reveal your phone number until after you meet the potential suitor and feel comfortable with him. If the match lives a long distance away from you and you won’t be able to meet for several weeks or months, only share your phone number with him after you have been emailing and messaging one another for at least several weeks and you have had several quality phone conversations with him. Remember that there are a variety of websites that can reveal your full name and home address when a person types in your home phone number.

4) Research each potential suitor carefully, especially before meeting him in person. Find out as much information about each man as you possibly can. Once you know his last name, you can use various government website to look into his background. Several websites allow you to perform a criminal record search on someone. Do a “Google search” with your match’s full name and see if your search generates any information. Ask your match important questions about his background, values and expectations before meeting him.