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Resolving Sibling Conflict: Tips for Stressed Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 29 May 2012 16:38:00 +0000

Sibling conflict is the jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters. It is a concern for almost all moms and dads of two or more children. Problems often start right after the birth of the second youngster. Sibling conflict usually continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to moms and dads. There are lots of things parents can do to help their children get along better and work through sibling rivalry in positive ways.

There are many factors that contribute to sibling conflict:

• Kids feel they are getting unequal amounts of your attention, discipline, and responsiveness.

• Kids may feel their relationship with their moms and dads is threatened by the arrival of a new baby.

• Kids may not know positive ways to get attention from or start playful activities with a brother or sister, so they pick fights instead.

• Kids often fight more in families where moms and dads think aggression and fighting between siblings is normal and an acceptable way to resolve disagreements.

• Kids who are hungry, bored or tired are more likely to become frustrated and start fights.

• Each youngster is competing to define who they are as an individual. As they discover who they are, they try to find their own talents, activities, and interests. They want to show that they are separate from their siblings.

• Family dynamics play a role. For example, one youngster may remind a parent of a relative who was particularly difficult, and this may subconsciously influence how the parent treats that youngster.

• How moms and dads treat their children and react to conflict can make a big difference in how well siblings get along.

• Not having time to share regular, enjoyable family time together (e.g., family meals) can increase the chances of kids engaging in conflict.

• Stress in the moms and dads' lives can decrease the amount of time and attention moms and dads can give the kids and increase sibling conflict.

• Stress in your kid’s lives can shorten their fuses, and decrease their ability to tolerate frustration, leading to more conflict.

• Your kid’s developmental stages will affect how mature they are and how well they can share your attention and get along with one another.

How Parents Can Reduce Sibling Conflict—

1. Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Older and younger kids may have different privileges due to their age, but if kids understand that this inequality is because one youngster is older or has more responsibilities, they will see this as fair. Even if you did try to treat your kids equally, there will still be times when they feel as if they’re not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you. Expect this and be prepared to explain the decisions you have made. Reassure your children that you do your best to meet each of their unique needs.

2. Don’t play favorites.

3. Enjoy each of your kid’s individual talents and successes.

4. Let each youngster be who they are. Don’t try to pigeonhole or label them.

5. Make sure each youngster has enough time and space of their own. Children need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and to have their space and property protected.

6. Pay attention to the time of day or other patterns in when disagreements usually occur. Are disagreements more likely right before naps or bedtime or maybe when kids are hungry before meals? Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned quiet activity when the children are at loose ends could help avert your youngsters’ disagreements.

7. Plan family activities that are fun for everyone. If your children have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.

8. Set your children up to cooperate rather than compete (e.g., have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other).

9. Teach your children positive ways to get attention from each other. Show them how to approach another youngster and ask them to play, and to share their belongings and toys.

10. Try not to compare your kids to one another (e.g., don't say things like, "Your brother gets good grades in math—why can't you?").

11. Set aside “alone time” for each youngster, if possible. Each parent should try to spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis. Try to get in at least a few minutes each day. It’s amazing how much even 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your youngster.

12. When you are alone with each youngster, you may want to ask them once in a while what are some of the positive things their brother or sister does that they really like and what are some of the things they do that might bother them or make them mad. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other!

13. Listen—really listen—to how your kids feel about what’s going on in the family. They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel.

14. Celebrate your kid’s differences.

15. Let each youngster know they are special in their own way.

16. Research shows that you should pay attention to your youngsters’ disagreements so that no one gets hurt, and you can notice abuse if it occurs. Try to see if your kids can work out their own disagreements, but remember that younger kids will probably need you to intervene and help structure the problem-solving. Try not to take sides and favor one youngster over the other. Get them settled and calm first, then ask questions about what happened before dispensing discipline.

17. Help your children develop the skills to work out their disagreements on their own. Teach them how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc. If you give them the tools, eventually they will have the confidence that they can work it out themselves.

18. Don’t yell or lecture. It won’t help.

19. It doesn’t matter “who started it,” because it takes two to make a quarrel. Hold kids equally responsible when ground rules get broken.

20. In a conflict, give your children a chance to express their feelings about each other. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. Help your children find words for their feelings. Show them how to talk about their feelings, without yelling, name-calling, or violence.

21. Encourage win-win negotiations, where each side gains something.

22. Give your children reminders and advance warnings (for example, counting to three). When they start picking on each other, help them remember to state their feelings to each other. Help them solve the problem themselves. You can offer suggestions, but let them decide what the best options are.

23. If you are constantly angry at your children, no wonder they are angry at each other! Anger feeds on itself. Learn to manage your anger, so you can teach your kids how to manage theirs.

24. Teach conflict resolution skills during calm times.

25. Model good conflict resolution skills for your children when interacting with them and with other family members.

26. Dangerous fights need to be stopped immediately. Separate the kids. When they have calmed down, talk about what happened and make it very clear that no violence is ever allowed.

27. If your kids are physically violent with each other on a regular basis, and/or one youngster is always the victim, is frightened of the brother/sister, and doesn’t fight back, you are dealing with sibling abuse. You should seek immediate professional help and guidance.

Involve your kids in setting ground rules. Ground rules, with clear and consistent consequences for breaking them, can help prevent many squabbles. Here are a few ideas:

Any youngster who demands to be first will go last.
If arguing over who gets first choice of bedtime stories or favorite seats in the car is a problem, assign your children certain days of the week to be the one to make these choices.
If borrowing is a problem, have the youngster who borrows something from a brother or sister put up collateral—a possession that will be returned only when the borrowed item is returned.
If the children fight over a toy, the toy goes into time-out.
In a conflict, no hurting (e.g., hitting, kicking, pinching, etc.) is ever allowed.
No fighting in the car or you will pull over and stop until all is calm again.
No making fun of a youngster who is being punished, or you will also be punished.
No name-calling, yelling, or tattling is allowed.

What are family meetings, and how can they help with sibling conflict?

If you have older kids, call a family meeting every once in a while. A family meeting is a meeting for all family members to work together to make family decisions. Moms and dads, kids, and any others who live in the home and have a stake in decisions affecting the daily life of the family should take part. Choose a time that works for everyone. Establish a set of rules (e.g., no yelling or name-calling, everyone gets a turn) and allow everyone to have a say, even if members don’t agree.

The purpose of the family meeting is to recognize that everyone's opinion makes a difference. The meeting allows the family to share their opinions, seek understanding, and find resolutions to problems. Family meetings help to build cooperation and responsibility, and make anger and rebellion less likely. Also, it is a time to share love, develop unity, and to build trust and self-esteem. The social skills and attitudes that kids develop within the family circle are the skills and attitudes they will carry with them the rest of their lives

Ground rules for family meetings:

Everyone gets a chance to talk
Everyone has to listen
No one has to talk
No one puts anyone else down
Okay to say what you feel
One person talks at a time and does not get interrupted

Sample agenda for family meetings:

Clarify the issue to be discussed
Determine priority issue(s)
Determine the most effective solutions
Discuss family issues, concerns, interests, and positive events of past week
Generate possible solutions
Make plans to implement the solution
Plan one fun activity for the coming week

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Tips for Future Stepmothers

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Wed, 23 May 2012 15:52:00 +0000

Becoming a Stepmother?

The prospect of creating a blended family can evoke feelings of excitement, relief, nervousness and worry in a future stepmother. Experiencing a wide variety of feelings is normal and common. Because building a successful blended family requires a lot of energy and commitment, it is important for the future stepmother to talk to her future husband about what they expect from each other and their new family, both before and after the marriage occurs. This enables them to discuss important issues and can help them avoid serious problems down the road. It is critical to have realistic expectations and goals for blended family life. Time spent wisely during courtship can lay a foundation for positive blended family relationships.

Beginning a new family requires careful consideration. Think about these questions:

How have you managed the strong feelings about your former spouse? To what extent do these feelings affect your present relationship with your potential new spouse?
What goals do you have for this marriage?
What values are important for you to have in common with your future mate?

People desire to get married or remarried for a variety of valid reasons. It is important for the couple to discuss their motives for wanting to marry, because they may be different. Likewise, an understanding of - and respect for - each other's basic values and priorities is essential to the success of any close relationship.

Losing a former partner through divorce is usually accompanied by strong feelings (e.g., sadness, anger, guilt, etc.). Each individual in the prospective marriage needs adequate time to heal before re-entering another marital relationship, or the adjustment to blended family life will likely be more difficult. The couple should assess their feelings about former spouses and honestly consider how those feelings are impacting their present relationship.

Employment—

An individual’s job frequently occupies a large percentage of his or her time and energy, making it something around which family life largely revolves. Consider these questions when thinking about your job:

Will your new marriage require a job change for you or your spouse?
How compatible are the demands of your career?
Whose job has priority in deciding where to live, working overtime, etc.?

Employment can bring many positive outcomes (e.g., financial support, friendship, self-esteem, etc.). However, employment can also be emotionally and physically demanding, time-consuming and stressful. When contemplating marriage, it is important for future spouses to understand each other's feelings about their careers and the amount of time and commitment they require. The life changes that a new marriage brings may tempt people to change or discontinue their current job. However, too many major changes at once can be stressful. Often it is recommended that future spouses continue in their same career path until they have made an initial adjustment to their new blended family.

Financial Issues—

It is essential that future spouses communicate about financial decisions and their personal philosophies about money. Each individual brings previous experiences and perspectives about family finances to the new marriage — often the expectations are vastly different. Consider these questions:

How much money does each of you make?
Who provides what proportion of support and living expenses?
How should money be allocated to kids?
What financial responsibilities do you have to other family (e.g., child support, maintenance, care for an elderly parent, etc.)?

Financial issues are a common source of stress in many families, but they can be especially problematic in blended families. Blended families are usually more complicated than first-time families because there are more relationships to consider and more sources of income. Child support payments can be a difficult issue in blended families. Child support obligations continue the link between former partners and are often a source of persistent problems. It can be stressful for people in one household to have to base their financial decisions on the needs of another household (e.g., it is not uncommon for women in new marriages to be frustrated because their spouses must pay a substantial amount of money to support their kids from a previous relationship).

Before getting married, it is important for future spouses to decide whether they will pool their resources or keep them separate. It is also highly recommended that they construct a tentative family budget. Although discussing financial issues will not likely eliminate all problems with money, it helps the two understand the specifics of each other's financial situation and provides the impetus for making important decisions together.

Living Arrangements—

A major issue for blended families is where they will live, and who will live with whom. Consider these questions:

Do kids live with you now, or do you anticipate they will in the future?
Do they have a special place for their belongings, even if they only live with you for short visits or holidays?
What living arrangements work best for your family?
Who should be responsible for which household chores?

In an ideal situation, the blended family is able to begin living together in a place they can call their own. Moving into a home in which a previous partner and/or kids lived can be uncomfortable and make the new members feel like outsiders. Creating a home together that is new everyone provides a fresh start for the blended family. However, a new home is often impractical, financially or otherwise. In any case, it is essential that all members in the family have spaces of their own, even if they do not live in the household all the time. Also, being able to choose how to decorate one's own room or space is usually exciting and can ease the transition into blended family life.

It is also important that everyone be involved as much as possible in making decisions about household chores. Kids will be less likely to resent decisions made by stepmothers about chores and other responsibilities when they have participated in the decision-making process. Future spouses should keep in mind that there are many ways to perform household chores, and people from different families often have different expectations regarding who should be responsible for which tasks. Discussing these issues before the marriage occurs paves the way for a smoother transition to blended family life.

The Kids—

Building relationships with stepkids is a huge task, one usually requiring a great deal of time and effort. You should consider these questions:

Do you and your new spouse want to have kids together?
How well do you know and relate to each other's kids?
What do you want and expect from your stepson/stepdaughter?
What role do you want your future spouse to play in your kid's lives, now and in the future?
What types of custody/visitation arrangements do you currently have?
What types of rules and discipline do you want operating in your home?

It is absolutely necessary that people spend adequate time discussing their beliefs about child rearing, discipline, rules and other issues related to their kids before they decide to get remarried. Once the man and woman make the decision to get married, it is important that they tell their kids directly and give them an idea of the effect the remarriage will have on their lives. Kids will likely have many questions and concerns about the new family, and it is important to take time to address these questions in a serious, respectful manner. Making sure that kids are included in the wedding plans and other family-related decisions gives them the feeling of having some control over their lives.

Moms and dads need to realize that their kids will probably not view the remarriage with the same emotions as they do. Although the man and woman are looking forward to gaining a new mate, the kids may feel as if they are losing their mother to the new partner. This can be especially upsetting to kids if they took on greater responsibilities in a single parent family and developed a peer-like relationship with their parent.

Also, stepkids will probably not feel strong positive feelings for their stepmothers automatically, and vice versa. Although two grown-ups may love each other, they may not necessarily love each other's kids right away. Patience is necessary for all parties in a blended family, because it can take years for bonding to occur in blended family relationships.

Kids will likely be affected differently in the blended family, depending upon their age and level of development.

Preschool: Remarriage can be confusing to young kids. Their familiar routines will likely be disrupted, and they may require more attention and affection from their parents. It is important that they feel loved by both of their biological mother and father, as well as the new stepmother. At this young age, most kids will react positively to a stepmother who tries to establish a good relationship.

School-age: Kids in elementary school often have a wide variety of feelings when one of their parents remarries. They may feel anger and hostility because remarriage dashes their hope that their biological mother and father may get back together. Feelings of frustration may occur if they have to share their space or possessions with new stepbrothers/sisters, or if they are subjected to new rules and routines. If kids feel displaced by the new stepmother, they may try to attract attention by being "extra good" – or acting out. School-age kids may be embarrassed by the remarriage because they do not know how to tell their peers or teachers about it. Other common feelings include guilt, betrayal and uncertainty. It is important for moms and dads to reassure their kids that they are still loved and important. Like preschoolers, school-age kids need to maintain a positive relationship with the biological mother with whom they are not living.

Teens: Adolescents may experience many of the same feelings as school-age kids (e.g., anger, hostility and frustration). They may become withdrawn and seemingly apathetic to the new marriage. It is common for teenagers to feel displaced by the new stepmother. Because adolescents are striving for greater independence and freedom at this time in their lives anyway, it is likely that they will clash with a stepmother who attempts to take on a parental role and expects to play a part in disciplining the kids.

Although blended families are "instant" families, it can take considerable time for the stepchild to accept his/her stepmother and stepbrothers/sisters as family. Blended family members have had previous relationships and are likely to have different ideas in some areas about how things should be. It takes time to create a new, cohesive family unit. There will be many challenges among members in a new blended family, but by discussing issues related to kids, spouses will be better prepared to cope with the new family dynamics.

Parenting Ideas—

Be realistic and patient in your effort to build a blended family.
Be unified with your partner about rules, methods of discipline, and other important issues.
Ease into the stepmother role by focusing on building a friendship with your stepchild before trying to parent him/her.
Educate yourself about blended family life by reading books and articles about blended families.
Get outside help when needed from a counselor or by attending an educational program for blended families.
Have family meetings regularly to provide a time for people to communicate about relevant issues and concerns.
Let kids choose what name to call the stepmother.
Talk to other stepmothers who can be a valuable source of support and ideas.

Relationships—

Relationships with others can have a significant impact upon the quality of life in a new blended family. Some questions to consider are:

How do you presently communicate with your former partner?
How do your spouse's parents feel about their step-grandparent role?
How much contact do your kids have with their other parent?

If at all possible, it is important that kids maintain positive relationships with the biological mother who lives elsewhere. No matter how good the relationship is between a stepmother and stepchild, a stepmother can never replace a biological mother. Kids need to feel that both of their biological parents care about them. Efforts should also be made to maintain contact between kids and their grandparents and other extended family.

It is also essential that spouses strive to have courteous relationships with their former partners. This can be difficult, but good relationships between biological parents greatly benefit the blended family. Although feelings of hurt and anger may persist, former partners should strive to make their kid's welfare their top priority in their dealings with each other.

Tips for Success—

There are many things blended families can do that will help them develop positive relationships with each other. The following are a few suggestions.

1.   Give one another time to adjust to new roles. Becoming a member of a blended family can be challenging because people acquire new roles that are likely to be unfamiliar. For example, there are considerable differences between being a birth parent and a stepmother, and these differences may require a lot of adjustment. Forming a blended family brings a lot of changes into the lives of all parties involved, and being flexible is crucial for the family's success. Building a strong blended family involves more than love and good intentions. Being a member of a blended family requires a lot of hard work, creativity and endurance. In most cases, time is a critical factor in the development of healthy blended family relationships. This makes patience important, despite trials and challenges. Remembering that many blended families do achieve unity, happiness and fulfillment can help you survive the rough spots. Discussing important issues with your spouse will help you lay a solid foundation from which you can build a happy and successful blended family.

2.   Family traditions strengthen families because they create feelings of solidarity and oneness among members. They can also help a family create a sense of identity. These outcomes are especially important in blended families, where members must make an effort in order to feel as if they are actually a family. Creating new traditions that are unique to the blended family can help create a new family identity. Holidays are opportune times for families to create new traditions. However, it is important to leave some traditions in place from previous families for the sake of familiarity and stability (e.g., a family celebrating Christmas could try one or two new recipes, while cooking a favorite dish of each family member). If they are accustomed to sharing the holiday with extended family, they might continue to do so but incorporate new activities into the day's events. This would help them find a good balance between change and stability in their traditions.

3.   Participating in enjoyable family activities helps members get to know one another better and strengthens family bonds. Possible activities include working on a project around the house, taking walks in the evening, and playing games together. Taking day trips and going on vacations can also help unify people and create lasting memories. All members of the family need the opportunity to assist in planning activities. This will help them feel more involved and they will be more dedicated to helping the activity be a success. By making family time a priority, everyone will be able to see that you are committed to creating a strong blended family.

4.   One of the most important things spouses can do in a new marriage is to continue to build their relationship. Moms and dads often feel greater loyalties to their kids because they have had a relationship with them for a much longer time. However, it is vital that spouses present a united front to the kids in their home. Kids can sense when parents are not in agreement, and they can use the situation to work in their favor by playing one parent against the other. In order to build unity, spouses need to be honest and open with each other and practice good communication skills. It is also important that they spend time alone together and nurture their friendship. A strong couple bond is essential to the success of the blended family.

5.   While spending time together as a family is important and beneficial, it is also essential that everyone interact with each other on a one-on-one basis. Because kids often feel displaced by a new partner and/or stepsiblings, spending private time with their birth parent helps kids feel that they are still important despite the changes in their family. It is also helpful for stepmothers to spend one-on-one time with their stepkids. Activities such as going out for ice cream or spending time in a park on a nice day can help both the child and the parent build a relationship and overcome the awkwardness that is often present among everyone in the family who do not know each other well. Letting the stepson or stepdaughter choose an activity with which he/she is comfortable (when possible) will increase the likelihood of a positive experience.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting Tweens: 25 Tips for Moms & Dads

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 15 May 2012 14:58:00 +0000

Mark Twain is said to have advised that when a youngster turns 13, his mother or father should put him in a barrel, close the lid, and feed him through a hole in the side. Then, when he turns 16, plug up the hole.

A tween is a child between the ages of 9 and 12 (but this age could sometimes extend up to the age of 15). The child thinks she’s a teenager – but she’s not quite there yet. It is a relatively recent term used to describe a distinct period in life in which kids are still kids, but are starting to develop a more realistic view of the world, similar to adolescents.

Tweens are developing a more realistic view of the world in several ways:

increased feelings of independence
more developed sense of self and identity
more mature, sensible, realistic thoughts and actions
more nuanced view of human relationships (e.g., they may notice the flawed, human side of adult authority figures more readily than they would at a younger age)
more nuanced view of morality
more realistic fears (e.g., kidnappings, rapes, and scary media events, as opposed to fantasy things such as witches, monsters, etc.)
more realistic job expectations
more responsibilities (e.g., mowing the lawn, delivering papers, collecting firewood and shoveling snow)
more tolerance to movie, television and video game violence and other content

While these traits may sound similar to those of adolescents, tweens think more similarly to kids than they do to adolescents, and these traits are still much undeveloped.

Many schools attempt to develop these feelings through the use of lessons tailored specifically to tweens' developing worldview. For example, debates on touchy moral issues (e.g., abortion) are sometimes introduced in the upper elementary school grades, as are classes on current events.

Tweens are also known for their brand consumption, and are a heavily targeted market of many advertisers. Their tendency to buy brand-name items may be due to a desire to fit in, although the desire is not as strong as it is with adolescents. Many of these brands names fall under clothing and music.

In any event, if you are the parent of a tween, then I’m very sure you can use some help (unless you are Dr. Phil), so here you go…

Parenting Tweens: 25 Tips for Moms and Dads—

1. Adjust bedtimes according to your kid's behavior that day. For each infraction, they must go to bed five minutes earlier, but if they've been good, they can earn the right to stay up an extra five minutes.

2. Be ready to talk when your preadolescent needs to. Your child will continue to come to you if she knows you're likely to listen to her without jumping in to judge unimportant details.

3. When your youngster was a toddler or preschooler -- or maybe even as recently as a year ago -- you could pretty much get her to do what you wanted with positive reinforcement (e.g., praising her for being good, showering her with stickers) and the occasional time-out. With a preadolescent, however, most moms and dads find they have to bring out the big guns. Very few older children are likely to change their behavior based on, say, the promise of an ice cream cone if they can go a week without stomping around the house. Taking away a favorite activity (e.g., Xbox or cell phone) is the best consequence when tweens talk back or mumble something rude under their breath. Whatever you do decide, follow through. Once you don't do what you say, they'll take total advantage, and you'll lose your upper hand again.

4. You'll need to come up with some new rules as your preadolescent exercises his growing independence. Start by figuring out what's most important to you (e.g., right and wrong, honesty, grades, etc.), and let go of stuff that doesn't matter in the long-run (e.g., keeping his room neat, wearing clean socks, etc.).

5. Make sure your kid knows when she’s crossed the line. For example, ignore eye-rolling or heavy sighs, but if she calls you a “bitch” and walks off in the middle of a conversation, that gets a consequence. Communicate as clearly and as calmly as you can as soon as any unacceptable behavior begins. Try not to wait until it's out of control and your kid is screaming that she hates you.

6. As much as your youngster wants (and needs) to begin separating from you, he's still a kid and wants (and needs) to have a safety net. So provide one.

7. If a job is not done diligently, have your youngster practice doing it. She'll learn to be more thorough if she's made to sweep the floor three times because her first effort wasn't good enough.

8. If you repeatedly open the door to your youngster's room only to catch him in an act of disobedience, take your youngster's bedroom door off the hinges. It sounds harder to do than it actually is. And it works wonders!

9. If your tween gets too hyper, come up with a code word to remind him to stop the action without embarrassing him. For example, whenever he starts getting too rowdy in a group, yell, "Hey, Batman." He will know he needs to calm down before you have to take more drastic measures.

10. If your youngster likes to stomp off to his room or stomp around in anger, send him outside to the driveway and tell him to stomp his feet for one minute. He'll be ready to quit after about 15 seconds, but make him stomp even harder.

11. Include your tween in decision making and involve him in conversations about your own life so that he knows he has a valuable contribution to make to your life. This confirms for him a sense of belonging in your family and builds his respect and self-esteem.

12. When a "discussion" between you and your preadolescent leads to screaming or hysterics, step back and wait for things to calm down. Encouraging your youngster to take a break from a situation is a good way to defuse high emotions all around.

13. The “tween years” is not the time to try to be your youngster's best friend. Despite appearances to the contrary, he's looking to you to help him get through this confusing stage. Ultimately, he'll take his cues for how to behave from the way that you deal with a given situation.

14. Make a homemade “consequence jar” and fill it with slips of paper with various consequences written on them. Instead of giving your youngster a time-out, send her to the jar for a slip (e.g., no TV or computer for a night, early bedtime, an extra chore, etc.).

15. Next time your youngster "forgets" to put something away (e.g., video games, sports equipment, etc.), put it away for him. When he asks where it is, tell him that he'll just have to look for it. He will learn that it's a lot more trouble to find something that you’ve hidden than it is to put it away in the first place.

16. One way to handle a tantrum is to simply say, "That is too disruptive for this house. You may continue your fit in the backyard. When you're finished, you are welcome to come back inside." When there isn't an audience, the thrill of throwing a tantrum is gone.

17. Peer pressure will become greater. Be sure you're still the one he can trust to talk to, because you are attentive and have time for him. Be understanding and sensitive to his feelings, and be sure to hold back from impulsive reactions, snap decisions and judgments.

18. Share openly with your tween so that she will know you are human and accessible when the difficult issues begin to come up for her.

19. Seek immediate help if your tween’s behavior is truly threatening. Once the crisis is averted and after ensuring everyone's safety, the first thing you should do is sit down and talk. Try to identify "things" your youngster values. This may include bicycle time, controlling the music choices in the car, or freedom to stay up until a certain time. These "things" are your tools. When you know what these tools are, use them as rewards and consequences.

20. Take your preadolescent out for breakfast or invite him along to walk the dog, just the two of you. Don't push an agenda, but do let your youngster lead the conversation, even if he just wants to chatter on about that video game he's addicted to. You never know where the conversation might lead -- and even if it goes nowhere, you'll get points for listening.

21. Take time to participate in your tween’s activities and the events she's passionate about even if you're not interested in them. Celebrate her! This lets her know that she is important to you, and it builds the bond between the two of you.

22. Timers set definite boundaries. For example, with a timer, you can say, "I'm setting the timer. I want the dishes unloaded in 10 minutes. If you haven't finished by then, your consequence is _____." This method not only spurs on easily distracted kids, but it also leaves little room for arguing about a job that isn't finished and whether the consequence is warranted.

23. Remember that consequences should fit the situation. Too often, moms and dads respond to a youngster's misbehavior with too harsh a punishment. A youngster grounded for 2 weeks for a minor offense may have trouble seeing the end of such a consequence and may lose all incentive to improve his or her behavior.

24. Remember that consequences should be immediate. An immediate consequence makes it clear to your youngster what behavior caused the reward or consequence.

25. Your preadolescent should be moving away and out into the world. Your job is to move with him, not away from him. Recommit to maintaining a close relationship so that no matter what he does, you're not far from him.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Resolving Parental Disputes

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Wed, 09 May 2012 15:54:00 +0000

There are some families in which the parents’ beliefs about changing children’s behavior are so different that their attempts at discipline become more of a problem than a solution. A youngster whose dad is strict, but whose mom is a consistent pushover, for example, receives confusing information about what’s expected.

Such fundamental disagreements can lead to difficulties that go far beyond the consequences of not picking up toys after playing with them. Moms and dads who have significantly different parenting styles are more likely to have kids with behavior problems than families who have similar styles.

Here are some steps you can take to work towards resolving parenting disagreements:

1.   Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes in your kid’s behaviors are linked to their stage of normal development. It should come as no surprise that your 3-year-old becomes defiant or your first-grader has an occasional temper tantrum. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle these predictable situations. That way you’ll have fewer conflicts when they occur.

2.   Discuss your parenting objectives. What is important to both of you? Sit down with your spouse and decide what values are most important. Also, what areas are not as important?

3.   Don’t be trapped by your past. That includes both your own childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore, with your partner, your unquestioned assumptions about disciplining kids. One good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That does two things: (a) it helps you realize how differently other people respond to the same situations you face as moms and dads, and (b) it gives you and your partner a common base of information from which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.

4.   Find out what both of your parenting strengths and weaknesses are. Many times both moms and dads want the same things for their children. Compliment your spouse on his/her strengths. Don't just point out your spouse's flaws.

5.   If at all possible, don't disagree in front of your kids. You can't always anticipate where and when you will disagree, but when you can, discuss the issue in private first and return to present a unified front. Disagreeing in front of kids, while not necessarily damaging, can be confusing for them. At the same time, a healthy difference of opinion and subsequent negotiation, compromise, and follow-through on a decision is not necessarily a bad process for kids to see.

6.   If the discussion gets heated, agree to disagree. Fighting about how to parent is only going to make the situation worse. Walk away, take a break and discuss it when you are not angry.

7.   Parenting and relationships are a growing process. The more you communicate the better parent/spouse you will be. Learn from each other and listen to each other. Build on your parenting strengths and tackle your parenting weaknesses a little at a time. It won't happen overnight, but if you continue to discuss things with your spouse calmly and positively, you will become a better parenting team.

8.   You and your spouse will never agree on everything, but perhaps you can agree on a decision-making process. Some situations call for immediate parental action, but if you aren't satisfied with how a situation was handled, you can discuss later and decide how you will handle these kinds of situations in the future. In other situations, you may be able to step away and briefly discuss alternatives. Explaining your reasoning to both your youngster and your spouse will go a long way to building trust with both your kids and your spouse.

9.   Plan ahead. Discuss problem situations you are having with your kids. For example, if you are having a problem with your youngster having tantrums, discuss how you think this should be handled. If you have a plan in action, it will be easier for both of you to follow each other's wishes.

10.   Remember that, compared with losing a loving unified home, the damage that may be caused to your kids by your partner's different idea of what is best for them is likely trivial – even assuming you're right and your partner is wrong. Placing things in perspective this way often leads you to discover that you've been fighting over nothing and resolves things right there.

11.   Talk about where your kids are developmentally and what they are capable of understanding. Sometimes the reasons for parenting disputes are because one spouse thinks that a youngster is capable of understanding something and the other disagrees. Knowing what your youngster's cognitive level is will help you to make better decisions. Don’t compare your youngster to other kids. You can use examples based on what they are capable of doing and not doing. For example, if you ask them to get something out of their toy box, do they understand and go get it? If not, expecting your youngster to be able to understand certain things may be unreasonable.

12.   The majority of parenting disagreements are over discipline methods and when it is appropriate to discipline. One parent may think that spanking is the best method, and the other may prefer time-outs or something else. One of the most effective ways to resolve this issue is to talk about it. Find out the reasons why your spouse feels the way he/she does. There are pros and cons to every form of parenting. Talk about why your spouse thinks his/her discipline style is the better method. Sometimes talking about it will help you to see each other's point of view.

13.   There is so much advice from websites, blogs, online discussion groups, family and friends, and from books and magazines. Find a few trusted writers that are close to your parenting philosophy, and use them as guides to consult at times of conflict. Consider a trusted organization like the American Academy of Pediatrics. Couples may want to agree on a few advisors from whom they will seek guidance.

14.   Time is precious for new moms and dads, and we often don't have the luxury of long conversations, but if you can find some uninterrupted time, it is great for each of you to share how you were parented and what you think was useful and what wasn't. If you have never had these kinds of conversations, it will at least put the disagreements into perspective. If you can find the time, it would also be great to talk about your hopes and dreams for your youngster and what it will take to support them to reach those dreams.

15.   Work on role modeling communication. If your kids see that you communicate and problem solve together, they will grow up to do the same. Kids often repeat patterns of their own moms and dads. Look at your relationship and evaluate how you communicate. Is this the way you would like your kids to communicate with their future spouse?

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

20 Tips for Dealing with Demanding Children

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 01 May 2012 16:15:00 +0000

As a parent, you know all too well that some kids will simply not take “no” for an answer. Just as they need to learn the importance of saying “please” and “thank you,” they need to learn how to appropriately make requests. If you are the mother or father of a demanding son or daughter, rest assured that this is not a new problem and there are many parents in the same boat. Here's some help on this issue...

20 tips for dealing with demanding children:

1. The goal for parents is to immediately respond to demands with (a) choices, (b) consequences, and (c) consistent follow-through in order to avoid power struggles and tantrums. If this is a new approach for you, the youngster will probably still have tantrums in response to this new approach. In fact, his reactions may seem to be more extreme before it improves, because he is testing new limits. Your youngster wants to see if you will react differently if embarrassed in public, if he destroys things, if he loses control, etc.

2. Ask, “How would this make you feel.” Ask your kids how they would feel if they were interrupted? If they were woken up? If you talked to them that way? Help them understand how their demanding actions make others feel.

3. Be patient with your youngster. Do not make the mistake of giving up too soon because you do not see the results you want immediately. It is unrealistic to expect your youngster's behavior to change overnight. Persevere in your efforts to teach correct behavior. The time you invest in it will be worth it in the end.

4. Do not allow yourself to get drawn into arguments. A youngster will resist your efforts to redirect his behavior if “being demanding” has gotten him his way in the past. He may cry, yell, rage, or argue in an attempt to recapture some of his control. Do not engage in power struggles with him. Remind him of your expectations and the consequences for his behavior, and then let him decide if he is going to obey you.

5. Establish appropriate consequences. Your youngster needs to know there are consequences attached to his behavior. Communicate to your child precisely what will happen when he behaves in a way that is unacceptable (e.g., "We will leave the movies if you begin to cry or yell because you can't have any extra snacks"). Be prepared to follow through by walking out of an activity if your youngster refuses to obey. Consequences have to be consistent in order to be effective.

6. Give positive reinforcement. The most effective way to reduce demanding behavior in kids is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement. Be aware of your youngster's efforts to improve his behavior and give sincere compliments when he succeeds.

7. Avoid vague reprimands such as "act your age" or "behave yourself." Instead, give your child a clear picture of his unacceptable behavior by using descriptive language (e.g., “You are shouting at me because I won't let you stay up past your bedtime. This is not appropriate.").

8. If moms and dads allow the natural consequences of a situation to occur, the parent is not the one exerting the control – nature is. The parent can now face the situation calmly and from a detached position of presenting the youngster with his choices and then letting him experience the consequences of his choice.

9. Is your youngster demanding because that is how you talk to them? Evaluate the way you talk to your kids. We might find that we are relentless and demanding in our communication, and our children are just copying us.

10. Is your youngster demanding because he doesn’t feel he is getting enough attention? Take time to listen to him without multitasking. Sit down, look him in the eyes and just listen. Laugh together, watch his eyes, and observe his story-telling actions. Forget about the laundry.

11. Make it really clear that a demanding, whinny, relentless voice will not be tolerated. If they have a request, it has to be made in a “nice voice.” And, saying things once will suffice. Don’t acknowledge demanding relentless requests. Before you start enforcing, teach your youngster what it sounds like to use a nice voice. Go through some common examples of demanding situations you have experienced in your home. Demonstrate a “nice voice,” and then ask your youngster to repeat the voice back to you. Give them a few sample situations where they can practice being respectful and kind.

12. Moms and dads are doing a disservice to themselves and to their youngster by giving in to demands to avoid a scene. Even if unintentional, this teaches the youngster that if his behavior gets severe enough, he will get what he wants.

13. Moms and dads should be prepared to disengage and remove themselves or the youngster if the behavior escalates. Moms and dads must be willing to leave a situation and trust that others will understand and respect their need to attend to the situation. Most people are supportive of a parent disciplining a youngster in a respectful way. Although some people would think this action would violate the parent's right to enjoy an outing, one should remember that parental responsibilities do not end whenever it's inconvenient for the parent to uphold them. The parent needs to remember the rights of others to exist in a peaceful environment, and the youngster needs to learn that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable in all situations.

14. Don’t let your youngster intimidate you. Demanding children feel like life revolves around them. You have to change that. The only way is by saying ‘no’ to some of their requests. This means we have to stay strong and not give in. Stick to your guns. When we give in to the demands, we have just taught our kids that when they are demanding and relentless, they get what they want. The exact opposite of what we are trying to teach.

15. When kids are young, it’s hard for them to understand the difference between needs and wants. Getting to baseball practice on time is “necessary.” Buying silly putty is “not necessary.” Take some time to explain the difference, and then work to only address the “needs” when your youngster uses a “nice” voice.

16. The middle of a tantrum is not the time to reflect feelings or try to talk a youngster out of being angry. That time has already passed, and the youngster will now interpret these efforts as a denial of his feelings and may escalate his behavior to convince the parent of how strongly he feels. Communication may be futile until the youngster calms down and may even keep the tantrum going by giving the youngster more attention for his behavior. Process what happened, the youngster feelings, and the choices and consequences of behavior after the tantrum is over.

17. There are times when it is best to walk away from the situation and refuse to interact until the youngster's behavior improves. A power struggle cannot occur with one person. Walking away is not giving in. Usually the youngster wants something from the parent, either some service or attention. Walking away will give the youngster nothing and will give him a chance to calm down and rethink his choice in the matter. If the youngster has become destructive in the past, the parent can plan ahead by arranging a safe place for the youngster to go and discussing appropriate ways for the youngster to release angry energy away from others. Remember to tell the youngster specifically what behavior is acceptable rather than wording your statements in terms of "don't".

18. Try to stick with choices within limits unless the behavior becomes even more unacceptable. When this happens, moms and dads can shift the focus from the original issue to the behavior. The parent can present the youngster with a new set of choices (e.g., "You can calm down, or can we'll leave."). Remember to focus on the behavior and not attack the youngster's character.

19. When your youngster does say something in a demanding tone of voice, reflect his/her feelings ("I understand you feel...") before stating your expectation about how it should be said ("...but I expect you to tell me in a calm, polite way.").

20. Be patient with your child as you implement your new parenting strategies. We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don’t like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Positive Parenting 101

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:30:00 +0000

Want to know how to be the best parent that any child could have?

Here are the secrets to positive parenting in a nutshell:

1. Listen

2. Praise

3. Gain compliance

4. Use effective consequences

5. Have family meetings

6. Create win-win solutions

7. Build your child’s self-esteem

Now let’s look at each of these individually…

1. Listen--The most valuable gift you can give your youngster is to listen to the little and big things in her life. Begin early so that the lines of communication will be open during the adolescent years:

Stop what you are doing.
Look at your youngster.
Pay attention to your youngster's nonverbal language (e.g., does the youngster look happy, sad, or afraid?).
Be silent.
Use simple acknowledgement responses that show you are listening (e.g., "I see. Oh. Uh-Huh. Hmmm.").
Use door-openers, phrases that encourage further talking (e.g., "Tell me more. Go on. How do you feel about that? I know what you mean. Then what?").
Listen for and name the feelings you think you hear from what your youngster is telling you (e.g., "That made you pretty mad, didn't it? You seem really happy about that!").
Use problem-solving phrases when needed (e.g., "What do you wish you could do? What do you want to happen? What do you think will happen if you do that?").
Don't feel that you must advise or help your youngster come up with a solution all the time. The value of listening is in the listening itself.
Listening helps moms and dads and kids avoid the power struggle cycle. Instead of arguing, listen. Show your understanding while maintaining your position.
Don't try to deny, discount, or distract the youngster from the feelings they are expressing.

2. Praise--The behavioral effect of praise is to reinforce your youngster's correct behavior and self-discipline. Praise increases the bond of affection between parent and youngster and builds self-esteem:

Look your youngster in the eye.
Move close to your youngster.
Smile.
Praise a specific behavior (e.g., "You did a great job cleaning up your room.").
Speak with feeling and sincerity.
Touch your youngster affectionately, maybe a pat on the back.
Praise immediately, as soon as you notice commendable behavior.
Praise should be honest and specific.
Don't dilute the effectiveness of praise by overdoing it or being insincere.

3. Gain compliance--Following these steps to gain compliance from your youngster will prevent frustration, anger and resentment between parent and youngster:

Stop and decide what you want your youngster to do.
Get the youngster's attention. Move closer to your child or call him to come to you. Make direct eye contact.
Tell your child what to do directly and firmly. Don't ask, though you may offer a choice if you wish. Don't end your instruction with "OK?"
Don't let your child sidetrack you with whining, excuses, or arguing. Restate your instructions one more time if necessary then watch to make sure he begins.
Praise your child when he does the task quickly and well (e.g., "You did a good job with those dishes.").
If he doesn't begin doing what you said or doesn't finish, say: "What did I tell you to do?" When he answers correctly, say, "Good, now do it."
If he doesn't do it, then stop the world. He doesn't do another thing until he does what you told him to do.
Decide the consequence you will impose and go to the youngster to warn him of the consequence.
Move closer to your child than normal, conversational distance. Make direct prolonged eye contact and tell your child the consequence of not doing what you asked.
Give your child the opportunity to complete the task now. When he does, praise him.
If he still doesn't comply, send him to his room to cool off while you do the same.
Go into his room and tell him that the consequence you stated earlier is now in effect (e.g., grounding, no TV, extra chore, removal of privilege, etc.).
Do not let your child return to the family group until he has completed the original task that you gave him.
Use your facial expression and tone of voice to convey your disapproval if your youngster does not comply with your instruction in the time frame that you set.
Don't become distracted so that you overlook compliance or non-compliance. Remember to praise compliance or follow-up on non-compliance.
Remain calm and unemotional when you implement consequences. That is the reason to take a short break while he is in Siberia before you implement the consequences.

4. Use effective consequences--The purpose of discipline is to teach self-control and self-discipline. Using effective consequences can break the cycle of non-compliance by your youngster:

When you notice non-compliance, first give a reminder. Remember to make direct eye contact. This simple strategy will work most of the time.
Begin to think of an effective consequence if the reminder doesn't work.
An effective consequence is: (1) clear and specific; (2) logically related to the misbehavior; (3) time-limited; and (4) varied.
Continued misbehavior requires a warning of the consequence. Move closer to the youngster than normal conversational distance and make direct and prolonged eye contact.
Be very specific about your expectation and the time frame for compliance. Tell your child exactly what the consequence of noncompliance will be.
Walk away and give your child the opportunity to comply.
If the warning doesn't work, send the youngster to his room while you both cool off.
Ignore arguing, whining, or expressions of anger.
After a few minutes go to the youngster's room. Speak calmly and without emotion. Explain that the consequence is now in effect and how long it will last.
Avoid power struggles by listening to your youngster and helping him plan how he will do what it is that you ask of him.
Don't let the consequence slide. Enforce it.
Forgive your youngster for his misbehavior. Start with a clean slate. Don't dwell on past mistakes.
Don't use yelling, sarcasm, name calling, insulting or hitting. Keep your own emotions in control.
Show respect for your youngster and recognize his good intentions. Let your child know that you know he wants to do the right thing and you are here to help him learn how.
Don't keep a running tab of your youngster's misbehavior. Implement consequences for misbehavior then let it go.

5. Have family meetings--Family meetings help busy families stay connected. Other benefits of this simple tool are improved communication, self-esteem, emotional support and problem solving:

Moms and dads decide together to begin holding family meetings.
Tell kids that you will begin holding family meetings to talk about what's going on in everyone's life.
Let everyone decide together when and where to hold meetings.
Mom and dad should be the co-moderators for meetings at the beginning. Share the moderator duties with kids as you go along.
At the first meeting remind everyone to contribute to the conversation, listen to others, and be supportive not critical.
Use the "Around the Circle" method. Go around the circle giving each family member the opportunity to respond to the topic.
Around the Circle Subject 1 - Something that made you feel good this week.
Moms and dads offer praise, encouragement, and support for the good things that each person mentions.
Around the Circle Subject 2 - Something that bothered you this week.
Moms and dads listen for and acknowledge the feelings that are expressed, ask open-ended questions to clarify the problem, and then brainstorm solutions with the entire family.
Around the Circle Subject 3 - Something that you want to work on or accomplish next week.
Moms and dads model making an action plan and help kids set a specific goal to continue positive experiences or address problems identified this week.
Around the Circle Subject 4 - Your schedule for the week. What meetings, appointments, tests, special events or projects you have this week.
Moms and dads identify any scheduling conflicts and individual responsibilities necessitated by the week's schedule. Plan your week. Teach good time management.
Set a scheduled time for meetings, post it where everyone will see, and keep the time. If moms and dads are committed to the project, it will have more impact.
Make the meetings fun too. Tell a story or a joke, play games, have contests.

6. Create win-win solutions--Use the family meeting to work on family problems in a structured and non-threatening way. The objective of the meeting should be to arrive at a Win-Win solution for everyone:

Clarify the problem. The parent moderator should introduce the general nature of the problem, and then use the "Around the Circle" technique to get each person's view of the problem.
Around the Circle Questions: "What is the problem as you see it? How does it affect you? What is your contribution to the problem?"
These are challenging questions. The family should listen to each speaker with respect and an attempt at understanding. Avoid interrupting or becoming defensive.
The moderator should write down the points of agreement and disagreement as they arise.
Brainstorm solutions. Go around as many times as necessary to come up with a list of possible solutions to the problem. Don't analyze the solutions now. Just write them all down.
Go through the list of possible solutions to narrow them down to the best solution for all family members.
Use the "Around the Circle" technique to get each person's view on what is the best solution for everyone. Ask, "Which of these do you think is the best solution? Why? Is it fair to everyone?"
Select the best solution. Get commitment from each person to make the solution work.
Decide what each person will do to implement the solution. This is the time to come up with responsibilities, rewards, limits, consequences, and other agreed upon commitments.
Now you should go around one more time with each family member stating what specific action they will take to solve the problem.
Follow up on each person's commitment. Meet again when needed to evaluate and strengthen the solution.
For the solution to work, everyone has to be convinced that their input has been considered and that it is the best thing for each of them.
If someone's comments hit your emotional hot button, don't respond defensively. Remain silent then communicate your position while maintaining respect for the other's viewpoint.
Use the open-ended questions, restatement; reflection, clarification, and I messages when disagreements arise.

7. Build your youngster’s self-esteem--

Build your youngster's sense of connectedness. Physical touch and loving words from moms and dads are the first step.
Provide opportunities for your child to feel that he is a functional and important member of his family, school class, friends, sports team, church, neighborhood, and community.
Teach your youngster good social and conversational skills by modeling, direct teaching, and guided practice. These skills will enable him to have positive interactions with others.
Tell your child your family stories and talk about his ancestors, heritage, and nationality in a positive way.
Build your youngster's sense of uniqueness. Kids need to feel that others think they have special qualities and talents. Find opportunities to point these out to him.
Let your youngster express himself in his own way. Show respect for his thoughts and feelings so he will learn to do the same.
Encourage your youngster's curiosity, creativity, and imagination. Teach your child to satisfy curiosity with learning and convey the joy of learning in everything you do.
Build your youngster's sense of power. Help your child succeed by providing the support, teaching, and resources he needs to accomplish what he sets out to do.
Give your child responsibilities in the family and allow his input into decisions that affect him.
Provide many opportunities for your child to practice new skills he learns. Teach him to cope with failure by analyzing it, setting reasonable standards, and not overreacting.
Teach your child good problem-solving and decision-making skills. Teach him to prioritize, think about consequences, and plan a course of action.
Build your youngster's sense of models. Show by your own actions the appropriate way to behave.
Teach your youngster right from wrong. Discuss your own values as you encounter dilemmas and decisions. Encourage your child to apply those values to his own decision-making.
Provide a broad range of experiences for your youngster so he will have more confidence in facing new experiences. At the same time maintain structure and order in your day-to-day life.
Teach your youngster to set minor and major goals. Be specific in your expectations and the standards and consequences for his behavior.
Poor self-esteem can often be traced to a deficit in one of the four conditions of self-esteem – connectedness, uniqueness, power, or models.
If your youngster shows signs of poor self-esteem determine the deficit condition and make a plan to improve that condition.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Be A "Bad" Parent

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 17:09:00 +0000

Have you ever been to a friend's house, the Mall, or a restaurant and witnessed a very disturbing parent-child interaction that caused you to have the thought, “Oh my God …that parent should be arrested!” or something similar? Unfortunately, there are a lot of good people out there who are just plain “bad” parents. And here’s how they do it…

12 ways to be the best “bad” parent out there:

Bad Parenting Method #1: Don’t build strong bonds.
Corrective Measures: If you want your youngster to be more cooperative, change your focus from improving him to improving your relationship. When you dwell on the ways he's misbehaving, it just discourages both of you (you feel like a bad parent, and he feels as if he can't do anything right). Besides, all that energy you're using to correct him could be channeled into something more uplifting and effective. So try to give him positive feedback several times a day (i.e., a specific compliment on something you see him doing).

Bad Parenting Method #2: Don’t change your “parenting practices” as the son or daughter grows older.
Corrective Measures: When discipline doesn't seem to be working for your family, you want to step back and look again at the problem. The first step is to learn “what is normal behavior” for your youngster's age and stage of development. Some misbehavior is an expression of transitions in the school-age child’s rapid development. Parental expectations may be beyond what the youngster is able to achieve on a consistent basis.

Bad Parenting Method #3: Don’t change yourself first.
Corrective Measures: When your youngster misbehaves, ask yourself, “What is it that I need to know?” “How am I contributing to this behavior?” “What could I do differently that would help my youngster?” Seek first to understand the situation, the contributing factors, and how you can change yourself. You may discover that you need to add a few tools to your parenting tool box.

Bad Parenting Method #4: Avoid having good family communication.
Corrective Measures: Giving instructions and consequences, planning for good behavior, listening to your youngster, holding family meetings, and resolving conflict are just a few of the opportunities moms and dads have to encourage self-discipline and maintain good family relationships. When confronting a problem, your style of communication will help or hinder a successful resolution.

Bad Parenting Method #5: Don’t increase the number of tools in your parenting tool box.
Corrective Measures: When you develop a well-stocked parenting tool box, you increase the likelihood that you will match the most effective tool with the appropriate situation. The more you learn the more options you have when a difficult behavior arises.

Bad Parenting Method #6: Don’t learn what best fits your kids.
Corrective Measures: Some kids are visual learners, some are auditory learners, and some are more tactile in their learning. When your youngster behaves in a way that calls for your correction and guidance, stop to ask yourself what would be the best way to deliver the guidance. Choose the method that fits their learning style and the odds that your youngster will learn more efficiently increases

Bad Parenting Method #7: Avoid reinventing yourself and learning from others.
Corrective Measures: Take parenting classes. Read parenting books. Consult parenting experts. Actively seek information and ideas from the many ways it is provided today. One can find parenting techniques on YouTube, in books stores, or by attending workshops in your community.

Bad Parenting Method #8: Punish and shame rather than teach and guide.
Corrective Measures: Your role as a mother or father is to help your kids learn how to manage their own behavior. When you shame, threaten and punish your kids, ask yourself, “What is my behavior teaching my kids?” Consider that the main lesson you are teaching them is that shame, threatening or physical force is an appropriate way to get what you want in this world. Is that the lesson you want your kids to learn?

Bad Parenting Method #9: Show disrespect for the youngster.
Corrective Measures: Discipline techniques that belittle or shame a youngster are truly harmful. If your relationship with your youngster has become a power struggle, then control – not discipline – has become your goal. Defuse this toxic relationship with good listening skills. Show respect for your youngster's feelings and thoughts, while standing firm on your expectations for good behavior. Respect for moms and dads and other authorities is crucial to self-discipline and healthy development. Help your youngster learn respect for authority by making your own words and actions as a parent worthy of respect.

Bad Parenting Method #10: Parent the way you were parented.
Corrective Measures: Most moms and dads use similar techniques and strategies to those their moms and dads used with them. “Well my parents did it this way with me – and I’m fine,” some parents offer as an excuse to keep from learning alternate ways of managing kid’s behavior. Much has changed in our world from when we were growing up as kids. Be open to seeing new ways to approach your important role as a mother or father.

Bad Parenting Method #11: Parent your children the way you wanted to be parented as a child.
Corrective Measures: Many parents did not get the love and acceptance they wanted - and needed - as children. As a result, they make the mistake of parenting the opposite way they were parented. For example, “My parents were just plain mean, so I am going to try to be my child’s best friend.” …or… “We were always poor as dirt, so I’m going to see to it that my child has everything he needs!” You may have been parented poorly by your parents, but that doesn’t mean they did everything wrong. Take the good parts – and keep them. Trade-in the not-so-good parts for something better.

Bad Parenting Method #12: Forget about using "I" statements.
Corrective Measures: Children learn early on to tune-out their moms and dads' endless "no's" and nagging. So if your requests and commands aren't producing results, avoid using them. Using "I" statements, tell your child what his actions do to you: "I get upset when I see you throwing food because I have to clean up the mess" (try not to whine when you say this!). When you give a warning, continue to emphasize what you'll do: "You’ll go to your room without dinner if you throw your food again," and then follow through so it's not an idle threat. As you focus on your own actions instead of harping on your youngster's behavior, you'll feel more in control, and so will he. He'll begin to see the connection between his actions and their consequences. Of course, no discipline strategy can make children behave perfectly all the time. But if you and your youngster are caught in a bad cycle, sometimes all it takes is a change in your behavior to bring out the best in his.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Why Teens Make Poor Decisions and How Parents Can Help

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 14:09:00 +0000

Teenagers smoke, take drugs, have unprotected sex and ride with drunk drivers, not because they think they are invulnerable or haven't thought about the risks. In fact, they are more likely to ponder the risks, take longer weighing the pros and cons of engaging in high-risk behavior than grown-ups, and actually overestimate the risks. It's just that they often decide the benefits (e.g., the immediate gratification, peer acceptance, etc.) outweigh the risks.

While grown-ups scarcely think about engaging in many high-risk behaviors because they intuitively grasp the risks, teenagers take the time to mull-over the risks and benefits. In other words, more experienced decision-makers tend to rely more on fuzzy reasoning, processing situations and problems as a “general idea” rather than weighing multiple factors. On the other hand, emergency room doctors (for example) make better decisions by processing less information and making sharper black-and-white distinctions among decision-making options. This leads to better decisions, not only in everyday life, but also in places like emergency rooms where the speed and quality of risky decisions are critical.

Interventions that use risk data regarding smoking or unprotected sex, for example, may actually backfire if teens overestimate their risks anyway. Instead, interventions should help them develop "general-idea-based" thinking in which dangerous risks are categorically avoided rather than weighed in a rational, deliberative way.

Decision-making is the process of choosing what to do by considering the possible consequences of different choices. Reasoning skills are utilized in the decision-making process and refer to specific cognitive abilities, some of which include assessing probability and thinking systematically or abstractly. The basic process that decision-makers use when confronted with a decision involves:

listing relevant choices
identifying potential consequences of each choice
assessing the likelihood of each consequence actually occurring
determining the importance of these consequences
combining this information to decide which choice is the most appealing

Many different factors influence how teens make decisions. These may include cognitive, psychological, social, cultural, and societal factors. Cognitive factors refer to the mental processes of reasoning and perception. These decision-making processes mature with age and experience and are influenced by a teen’s brain development and acquisition of knowledge. Social and psychological factors refer to those influences from within a teen’s family, peer group, or self (e.g., self-esteem, locus of control, etc.). Some cultural and societal factors which influence a teen’s decisions include religious beliefs, socioeconomic conditions, and ethnicity.

Teenagers face a number of challenges in making healthy decisions due to the following:

they may be influenced by their emotions and fail to use decision-making processes
they may favor their own experience over probabilistic evidence when determining the likelihood of the consequences of their actions
they may focus more on the social reactions of their friends when deciding to engage in or avoid risky behaviors
they may have a hard time interpreting the meaning or credibility of information when making decisions
they may lack the experience, knowledge or feeling of control over their lives to come up with alternative choices
they may misperceive certain behaviors as less risky
they may be overly optimistic about their ability to recognize and avoid threatening situations
they may not be able to accurately estimate the probability of negative consequences
they may see only either-or choices rather than a variety of options

The issue of decision-making becomes increasingly important during the teenage years because adolescents are developing greater autonomy and encountering more choices independent of adults. The choices adolescents make may drastically affect not only their own lives, but the lives of others as well. Some of these choices may include which career to pursue, whether or not to have sex or use contraceptives, whether or not to use alcohol, cigarettes, or other drugs, or whether or not to engage in violent or risky behaviors. Concern about these "risk behaviors" has led to the development of prevention and intervention programs that strive to help adolescents better protect themselves with effective decision-making skills.

Research has repeatedly demonstrated that youth development programs are successful in promoting positive behavior and preventing problem behavior when these programs help teenagers learn the following:

coping strategies
decision-making
problem solving
refusal strategies
resistance strategies
social and self-regulation skills

Programs that incorporate decision-making skills have been found to delay the onset of sexual activity, reduce the frequency of sexual activity, and increase safer-sex behaviors. Research has also shown that teens armed with sound decision-making skills are better able to refuse alcohol and other drugs. Moreover, teens who perceive themselves as having better problem-solving skills are less likely to be depressed and have fewer suicidal thoughts.

Adolescents also need strong decision-making skills because the U.S. economy requires workers that are capable of thinking and making decisions at higher levels of sophistication than preceding generations. Furthermore, a successful democracy relies on citizens who can think critically about diverse issues and intelligently decide how society should address these issues.

Research has not yet answered how best to teach decision-making skills to teenagers, but some concrete methods include:

assisting them to recognize their own biases
encouraging them to search for new information when making decisions and helping them to avoid overestimating their knowledge and capabilities
having teens work in pairs or small groups on relevant decision problems
helping teens understand how their choices affect others
providing accurate information to teenagers about the actual number of other teens engaging in risky behaviors to counteract media messages
providing teens with opportunities to practice and rehearse decision-making skills
teaching them about how their emotions may influence their thinking and behavior
using a general heuristic framework to help teens learn how to think critically about decision problems
utilizing concrete situations and decision problems that reflect the teens’ interests and have relevance to their lives

When teenagers are unsure of themselves, they are more likely to give in to peer-pressure. When a teenager feels good about herself, it improves the odds that she will make good decisions. Moms and dads can build teenagers’ self-confidence by teaching them to think for themselves. Ask your teenager for her opinion, even about small issues. Urge her to make decisions. Praise her for positive choices, and let her know that you appreciate her – and her achievements. Expose her to activities, people, places, and ideas, because doing so will broaden her outlook and help to limit the influence of negative peers. The likely result is a teenager that doesn’t worry about what others say, thinks things through, and chooses wisely.

The teen needs to know her “self.” This calls for a set of rules about what she is willing - or not willing - to do. If her rules apply to a situation, then the decision will be automatic. Moms and dads can show the way to good conduct through example and by promoting values, explaining those values, and showing how they fit specific choices. Starting early ensures that standards have deep roots, but it is never too late to lay out a guide for conduct.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Comment:

For the past two years our lives have been nonstop drama and this past Sunday I made him leave. I had a complete and total melt down and said things to him that I have never ever said to him and which I now deeply regret. I sent him two text messages with heartfelt apologies, but he did not respond. I took him a change of clothes yesterday and he looked very tired, but I did not stay and I did not try to get him to come home, because I just do not think I can stand to be lied to or treated so disrespectfully anymore. So now he is staying with his adult brother, who allows him to smoke pot and has encouraged my teen to quit school and come work with him at his automotive shop. This has been going on for months now and my son has quit school because of his older brothers influence and has even overdosed on something my adults son's wife gave my teen last August. I have tried to keep him away from my teen because he is a horrible role model and influence, but his shop is 4 blocks from our home and every time my teen and I have a disagreement, he runs to my adult son who confirms to him that I am a horrible mother. I raised both of them on my own, their fathers were pretty much no shows, and we had little family support, so I did the best I could. It just never seemed to be enough.

The oldest got in a lot of trouble when he was younger too, and after helping him get out of it all, I allowed him to live with me until he was 25 and he and my teen bonded very tightly, so breaking that bond is impossible, but I feel like the oldest is jealous of his baby brother and is deliberately giving him poor advice hoping he will fail and continuously undermines me as a parent and does things to deliberately sabotage any progress my teen and I might make ~ such as being the one to keep him out after curfew and then act like I am being ridiculous by telling him it is time for him to come home. My adult son is very passive aggressive and will smile in your face while stabbing you in the heart and pretend that he is doing you a favor. My mom and dad do not even have anything to do with him because he has dealt so deceitfully with them in the past. Right now my teen has two court dates, one for paraphernalia and another for forgery and submitting fraudulent documents to the court. And like I said, last Sunday night I made my teen leave after he broke curfew again and stayed out until 1 a.m. while being on probation. He had been sneaking out his bedroom window just three days prior to that and I had told him that if he broke the house rules again, that there would be dire consequences. But he does not care. He didn't even TRY to call me to tell me he would be late and refused to respond to my texts messages until I threatened to turn his "friend" in that helped him forge his community service records. We have to be in court on the 19th of June and I was going to ask the judge to put him in a treatment center for 30 days instead of Juvie or a fine. I have already written her a letter as such, but the courts tell me that they are a municipal court and do not really have that "kind" of jurisdiction. So I have nowhere to turn for help with him.

We have been in counseling for months now with a family crisis counselor but she says that my son is master manipulator and she is wasting her time with him because he won’t "do the work" that’s required for us to resolve all his problems. So right now, he is truant, on probation, not at home but with an adult sibling that lives in the back of his automotive shop in an office cubicle, with the same woman that gave my teen drugs that he overdosed on. And I am lost as to knowing what to do. My teen seems so sweet and loving and polite to my face, but is very sneaky, deceitful and disrespectful behind my back, He has stolen from me, lied to my face and allowed kids to come in my home and use drugs and trash my home when I was gone. He did not even make them leave before I got home even though he knew I was on my way. When I had a meltdown after walking in to the damage, he responded that it was not "that bad" and that I "over reacted". His behavior reminds me of his father who is extremely bi-polar and most of this erratic behavior began after the overdose episode where he smoked something called "Purple Chronic". So I think he needs to be evaluated by someone, but he refuses to get treatment. So I am lost here and wonder if it might be too late for us.

Turning Disputes Into Teachable Moments

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 15:43:00 +0000

When moms and dads avoid disputes and disagreements at all cost with their adolescent (i.e., they do anything and everything to keep the peace), they are ignoring some of the greatest teaching moments they will ever have. Disagreement in and of itself is not what produces change for the better – it is how we, as parents, respond to it. Disagreement can be a force for good in families, but only if it is dealt with properly. The way we react can either deepen the relationship with our teens – or it can tear it down.

Most children simply want to know that they are being heard! Refusing to understand this principle and shutting-down any form of disagreement or conflict can build a wall between the two of you. Also, walls can build-up when you belittle your adolescent’s thoughts and feelings. The issue may seem like a small or “black and white” deal to you, but it could be confusing and all-encompassing to them. You can say something like, “I think I understand what you are saying, but let me try to repeat it so I’m sure.” Then, calmly repeat back what their issue and position is.

You can’t expect your adolescent to respect you - or your rules - if you don’t show respect to them. It’s important to acknowledge your adolescent’s viewpoint even if you don’t agree with it. Their view may be short-sighted, self-focused, and just plain irrational – but it is still one that they are going to want to defend to the end. Your response to their “point of view” needs to be respectful rather than reactionary or judgmental. Even so, if their position conflicts with your house-rules – and it’s an important matter of character or morality – you can say something like, “I understand now, but I don’t agree with your viewpoint, so we’re not going to follow that path. But let’s keep talking about it so I can better understand why you feel this way.”

Change comes out of relationship. Failing to listen during disagreements with your teen makes it difficult – if not impossible – for positive change to occur. Work to keep the lines of communication open, and make sure the relationship stays intact. If there is a smaller issue where you can give-in without compromising something very important, do it (just so they know you are listening). You don’t want your son or daughter to feel that you’re constantly turning a deaf ear to their way of thinking. They need to know that their concerns are being heard, and if there is NO hope of that, they will either become deceitful and just stop talking, or try other tactics (e.g., raging, acting-out their anger, ignoring you, etc.).

How to Handle Disputes and Disagreements—

1. All of the positives associated with having a dispute break down when disrespect creeps in from either party. Name calling, screaming, slamming doors, etc., are all acts that your youngster – and you – should avoid. When these things happen, the discussion needs to be put on hold until cooler heads prevail. That way, adolescents know they won’t get their way just by being angry or disrespectful. In fact, they end up shooting themselves in the foot because they lose the chance to make their case (at least until they can calm down). But be sure to come back to it and discuss it later that day. Don’t let disagreements fester too long, or they will eventually explode.

2. Deal with disagreements WHEN they happen – not after resentment has set-in. A problem that you overlook doesn’t just go away; instead, it becomes a building block in a wall that can grow and prevent both you and your youngster from properly responding to future disagreements. Each one that you address and resolve provides training for future “difference of opinion.”

3. Disagreement gives you a chance to get to know your youngster better. Sometimes during a dispute, children are more willing to open-up and express themselves. Be sure you don’t close the door during the conversation (even if it is heated) and allow them to say how they are feeling. They may blurt-out things they don’t really mean, or that could snap at you, so don’t take offense. We’ve all said things we wish we could take back. Adolescents do this more often because they haven’t learned how to manage their emotions. So try to understand the meaning behind the words, and give an element of grace to the actual words that are being said.

4. Having disagreements is great preparation for your adolescent in dealing with future conflict. The skills for dealing with disagreement that your adolescent learns from you will be needed throughout his/her life. The adult world is going to require them to resolve issues and disagreements with others, so you need to be sure you are giving them the tools they will need. And one day, they will have children too, so you can show them the way to the positive resolution of a disagreement.

5. Disagreement may show you a place where you are wrong. It’s a huge relationship builder to admit a mistake and to tell you teens that you are changing your position because of what they said. This will show them you value them as independent people. If you’re wrong, own up to it. If you’re right, don’t cave-in just to keep the peace and avoid an argument.

6. Disagreement presents a wonderful opportunity to reinforce your values and beliefs. All the things you have been teaching your teens before are brought into focus through applying your values to real-life situations. They may not agree with it, but they can at least begin to think about it.

7. Don’t let conflict spill-over and contaminate the rest of the relationship. It’s easy for the disagreement to take over every conversation. Be willing to press the pause button – not to overlook or ignore the problem, but to have time to take a break and re-establish connections over a meal or shared moments that have nothing to do with the dispute in question.

8. The relationship that you have been building with your youngster will bear fruit over time as long as you protect it. The dispute the two of you are having WILL challenge you, but you need to approach it as an “opportunity” rather than as a sign of “disrespect” or “defiance”. Don’t allow it to create a permanent crack in your relationship.

9. The symptoms of disagreement are not the problem …so you can’t resolve the problem by dealing with the symptoms. Keep the lines of communication open and the relationship strong, and you’ll successfully resolve any disputes that arise in the family.

10. Lastly, have plenty of patience as your teenager learns “the fine art of logical debate.”

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Keep Teens from Dropping-Out of High School

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 16:46:00 +0000

Teen: “School sucks. I’m not going anymore!”
Mother: “What!?”

Teen: “I hate school …I quit!!”
Mother: “You can’t just quit, Michael!!”

Teen: “Why not? People quit and get a GED all the time!!!”
Mother: “You have to finish high school. You don’t want to work at McDonald’s the rest of your life.”
Teen: “Whatever… I'm quitting, and you can't stop me.”

Whether your adolescent is being bullied at school or is struggling with classes, dropping-out of school should never be an option. Statistically speaking, high school drop-outs earn approximately $260,000 less than those who have their diploma and cost the U.S. over $319 billion in lost wages over the course of the drop-out’s lifetime. High school drop-outs often struggle to find happiness because, in most cases, career choices are relegated to low-income jobs with no advancement. The best way to keep an adolescent in school is through support, motivation and letting him/her see firsthand what would happen if he/she decided to quit.

Here are some important tips to keep your teenager in school until graduation:

1. Are serious problems occurring in the home (e.g., abuse, financial distress, grief, illness, etc.)? If so, these issues will need to be addressed first.

2. Ask each teacher to provide a customized solution as to how he/she can help your teenager in the classroom.

3. Be present in your adolescent’s life. Supporting and celebrating victories is important to keeping a teen in school. The at-risk adolescent needs a cheerleader to promote and raise him/her up when he/she does well. Also, you need to be able to help pick your adolescent up and find solutions when failure occurs in order to teach resiliency and tenacity. A consistent, loving role model who lets the adolescent know that he/she isn’t in this alone will help the student find the courage to continue with his/her education.

4. Bright and gifted adolescents sometimes advance beyond the level of their classes in some or all areas. Depending on talents and personality, they may also learn better in less structured environments. Sometimes the best solution for this is to find a college with an early entrance program and let the adolescent complete high school concurrent with freshman year. Switching to college is not dropping out!

5. Bullying is a serious epidemic that can destroy an adolescent’s life. Bullying is not limited to physical assault on or off school grounds, but can also be through gossip and slander in social media channels. Investigate to make sure your teenager is not being bullied (in silence).

6. Consider your adolescent's support structure. Is there a stable grown-up who supports your adolescent? Does your adolescent come from a family that values education - or has a mom or dad somehow diminished the value of having a high school diploma? Sometimes there is a cultural issue where there is a fear that an adolescent that is educated beyond the abilities of other family members will stop identifying with their cultural roots. This type of pressure can be very intense. In the United States, your adolescent is under the age of 18, the mom and dad must sign the teen out of school and agree to allow him/her to drop-out. Your adolescent’s support system has a considerable influence on whether he/she finally drops out or not.

7. Consult with a professional. Before you can create a strategic plan, you have to dig deeper into why your adolescent wants to drop-out. Meet with the guidance counselor at the school to pinpoint the reason and then investigate what has been done to remedy the situation. For example, if your adolescent has been struggling with academics, determine if he/she has been tested for a learning disability or ADHD. Explore tutoring options. Often a student who struggles in class responds very well to one-on-one learning. If the guidance counselor provides little or no assistance, consult with a child psychologist to have your adolescent evaluated.

8. Design a collaborative mission, including short and long term goals to engage your teen and help him/her progress.

9. Find good sources of relaxation for your adolescent. While it's important for him/her to do well in school, it's also important for you to provide a little relaxation time for your adolescent so he/she doesn't get overwhelmed.

10. Identify why your adolescent wants to drop-out of school. For an adolescent to want to drop-out of school, the reason(s) have to be pretty serious. If you can first get to the root of the problem, you can start to cultivate a solution that may work to help keep him/her in school.

11. If teenagers need to drop-out because of a severe unsolvable issue like bullying, teenage pregnancy, or a serious medical condition, they should be encouraged to get a GED. Adolescents can still go to college and get a career with a GED certificate if regular high school will not work. Education and a teen’s well-being should come first rather than where they studied.

12. If your adolescent is extremely unhappy, consider transferring him/her to a new school or providing alternate schooling options. As a mother or father, you can effectively counter your adolescent dropping out by providing alternative schooling, community collaboration, or career education.

13. Invite your child to take part in the strategic plan and provide feedback about what might be helpful to him/her in the classroom.

14. Is the adolescent constantly in trouble with school officials and/or law enforcement? Students who are often in trouble may be hiding a deeper reason why they are acting-out.

15. Is your adolescent constantly struggling to keep up with the rest of the class and often receives poor or failing grades? Has any type of intervention been performed, or has the student fallen through the cracks? Parents may need to get their child on an IEP if there have been no previous interventions.

16. Making educators aware that your adolescent is at risk will provide them with information to offer more support in the classroom.

17. Meet with administrators to develop a strategic plan. Once you’ve determined the reason and have researched previous efforts (if any) to help, meet with the adolescent’s team of educators to obtain feedback and create a plan. Don't put the blame on the school or the educators. Keep it positive. Everyone needs to feel like they are on the same side.

18. Set up a schedule to meet with educators and your teen on a regular basis (weekly, monthly or quarterly depending on the progress).

19. Several common reasons an adolescent could drop-out range from school insecurity, not keeping tabs on school work, family turmoil or drug problems. So, research, research, research! Find out what’s going on behind the curtain.

20. Unfortunately, many adolescent girls drop-out of school in order to care for their newborn or young child. In this case, parents should do some research on what services are available in the community for the teen mothers.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Defiant Children Who Refuse to Cooperate

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 14:38:00 +0000

You have just told your youngster to do something (e.g., “Michael, turn off the TV and get ready for bed”), and he blatantly responds with something like, “No” or “You can’t make me.”

When defiant kids say, “You can’t make me,” they are asserting their control and challenging yours. They are silently hoping that you will rise to the challenge and try to control them. Like it or not, they are right. Parents can’t make children do anything against their will.

These kids are also upping the ante by challenging parents to come up with some consequence that will mean something to them. The “test” is to show parents their own powerlessness, and these kids will often laugh in the face of any consequences parents might use, even if at a later time they might wish they hadn’t.

How to get kids to cooperate:

1. Kids who ask something like, “What are you going to do about it?” are not so much interested in your answer as they are in trying to prove how incapable you are of controlling their behavior. A good response to this question might be, “You are trying to decide if it’s worth it for you. That lets me know that you are in control and are choosing whether or not to behave. That means you’re also choosing to accept whatever the consequences are.”

2. Rarely, if ever, tell the youngster what the consequences will be for non-compliance, because (a) it generally doesn’t make a difference to them, and (b) vague consequences can serve to keep them emotionally off balance. Kids who are defiant don’t like uncertainty, and they are often more likely to make a decision to control their behavior if they don’t know what will happen. You could say, “Because you are telling me you’re in control, and it sounds like you’re just trying to see what will happen, is it worth it for you to act-up just to see what the outcome will be?”

3. Remain calm. Parents who can't control themselves can’t control the youngster or be in control of a situation. Remember that while your blood is reaching the boiling point, your youngster's may be also. Once that happens your youngster is no longer thinking clearly. Most efforts at talking and teaching will be a waste of time and energy. Defuse the situation as calmly and rationally as possible. To find a compromise with your youngster that will get the situation under control is not giving up control. You don't have to win every battle to win a war. After the situation is finished and everyone is calm, there will be time to talk about the situation and to agree on a consequence for what happened.

4. Acknowledge your child’s upset feelings when he’s mad. For example, the parent can say something like, "Ouch! That hurt my ears. I don't scream at you like that, please don't scream at me. I can see you are really upset to use that tone of voice. What can I do to help you?”

5. You can consciously choose to avoid getting into a power struggle. You might generally agree with the youngster by saying something like, “You are absolutely right. I can’t make you. The only person who can control you is you. I hope you make a good decision for yourself.”

6. Avoid constant arguments and threats by using a system similar to the ones used in residential treatment programs. Set up a board that lists five or more levels of behavior and associated privileges. The middle level should be for acceptable behavior, next level up for effort at improvement, and highest level for exemplary behavior. The level below middle should be for demotion when the youngster misbehaves while the lowest level should be reserved for serious violations of house rules including not complying with the privileges associated with a certain level or demotion for misbehavior after being on the next to lowest level for prolonged periods. Here’s an example of this system:

Level 5—

Requirements: Helpful without being asked. Follows all rules.
Privileges: 2 hours TV, 2 points/day, 1 hour video games, 1 hour later bedtime.

Level 4—

Requirements: Helpful when asked. Follows rules well.
Privileges: 1½ hours TV, 1 point/day, 3/4 hour video games, 1/2 hour later bedtime.

Level 3—

Requirements: Good behavior. Needs reminders to complete chores and follow rules.
Privileges: 1 hour TV, 1/2 hour video games, regular bedtime.

Level 2—

Requirements: Some misbehavior. Requires frequent reminders to complete chores and follow rules.
Privileges: 1/2 hour earlier bedtime, 1/2 hour TV, no video games, must complete chores and schoolwork before play.

Level 1—

Requirements: Severe infraction of rules. Unacceptable behavior. Fighting. Refusal to cooperate after warnings. Not complying with privileges for level.
Privileges: Grounded. No after school activities. No telephone. No plans with friends. No TV. Lose all points.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

When Defiant Teens Play One Parent Against The Other: Tips For Divorced Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:01:00 +0000

Scenario: Kylee is 16-years-old. Her parents are divorced. She spends the weekends with her dad and stepmother. Unfortunately, her biological parents are not on the same page with respect to parenting styles and disciplinary techniques. Her mom is rather permissive (i.e., few rules, few consequences for breaking rules), but her dad is somewhat authoritarian (i.e., a lot of rules, serious punishment for breaking the rules).

One day before dinner, Kylee’s dad says, “Put your cell phone away. We don’t text while we eat!” Kylee’s retort is, “I don’t have to follow that rule …that’s not a rule at our house (mother’s house). I text whenever I want to at home!”

Then the arguing and yelling between father and daughter begins! You know the rest of the story…

Defiant teens know the value of playing their parents against each other. They learned a long time ago that just because dad has said “no” doesn’t mean mom won’t say “yes.” Many defiant teens of divorced parents constantly point out inconsistent enforcement of the rules by parents, and these teens use this as a rationale for their own behavior. What the defiant teenager is trying to do is make an issue of whether or not her divorced parents are consistent with the rules (rather than focusing on the real issue, which is whether she is choosing to follow or break the rules).

Unfortunately, many parents fall for this. There seems to be an irrational belief that if both parents treat the teenager the same way, she will behave. The total weight of the teen’s behavior is put on the parents, and the responsibility is built on enforcement rather than on compliance.

Although consistent enforcement does help keep the rule in the forefront, inconsistent enforcement neither causes nor excuses inappropriate behavior. The issue isn’t whether the parent is or isn’t being fair or consistent, rather the issue is that the teenager is violating the rule and is looking for someone else to blame.

While a certain amount of manipulation is normal in adolescence, if it occurs constantly, it may indicate underlying familial problems. Teens who frequently pit one parent against the other may be acting-out the tension they feel between their parents. That’s one reason this type of manipulation is especially common among children and teens whose parents are separated or divorced. In divorced families, parents are rarely on the same team, and defiant teens often attempt to use this fracture to their advantage.

Co-parents are often racked with guilt over the failed marriage and the back and forth position the children often find themselves in. Sometimes co-parents are insecure about the family dynamics and make it their goal to be the “favorite” parent. Because of this guilt and/or insecurity, it is very tempting for co-parents to try to please the teenager at all costs, becoming excessively indulgent and ignoring the other parent’s household rules.

On the other extreme, it is not uncommon for one parent to feel compelled to “lay down the law” in order to keep the teenager “in line.” In the case where one parent is tough and the other parent is soft, the teenager will automatically prefer the softer parent, which also causes huge riffs between the teen and her tougher parent.

Co-parents should work diligently at communicating reasonable expectations regarding routines and household rules in an attempt to get on the same page. If they can’t effectively communicate, or if their parenting styles are not even in the same book, let alone on the same page, they need to arm themselves with some appropriate responses to effectively combat the teen’s manipulative tactics. One way to do this would be to acknowledge to your teen that you understand that there are different rules at the other parent’s house, but while she is at your house, she must follow your rules – no exceptions.

Your teenager will be reassured when you fail the “test” she is putting you through (i.e., trying to guilt-trip you into being more like the softer parent). Children need to feel secure. Children seek predictable limits. It is safe to say that, if your teenager is constantly playing you against the other parent, she is feeling insecure and needs some reassurance that you care more about parenting her than you do about fighting with the other parent.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens Who Steal Prescription Drugs From Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 14:32:00 +0000

You, the parent of an unruly teenager, may inadvertently be a big source of prescription medications he/she is using behind your back. More often than not, medicine cabinets are your teen’s “go-to” spot of choice. A whopping 61% of adolescents report that prescription medications are easier to get than illegal medications, and 41% of adolescents mistakenly believe use of medicines is less dangerous than use of illegal street medications.

One out of every two Americans is on prescription drugs. So these medications are readily available. People think they're safe because they're prescribed by a physician, and more adolescents are turning to the medicine cabinet to get their medications of choice.

Here are the five classes of prescription medications teens get most often in their own homes:

Cough medications: Contain DXM, which acts in way that is similar to morphine. They can cause respiratory depression, brain hemorrhage, nausea, and vomiting, and prompt thousands of emergency room visits each year.
Narcotic pain relievers: Excess use can cause respiratory depression, even coma and death. Mild use can cause constipation, depression, and problems concentrating. These are the ones most commonly used by adolescents.
Sedatives/tranquilizers: Such as Valium, can cause impaired coordination, which can be a real danger if someone is driving. They can also cause drowsiness and depression.
Sleep Aids: Such as Ambien, have a high potential for use (even in grown-ups), and there are reports that adolescents use it recreationally because they get a "high" by trying to fight the sleepy feeling -- and can have visual hallucinations.
Stimulants: Such as Ritalin, can cause nervousness, insomnia, and toxic psychosis. They can be used by grown-ups and adolescents trying for what they perceive as better concentration.

The risks of adolescent prescription drug use are momentous, yet few grown-ups in a position to take action against them have realistic grip on this new frontier of adolescent crime. Not only do drug companies deceive the public to make a buck, but they influence the judgment of many physicians, paying them well to give speeches and sales pitches promoting their medications to other physicians.

From 2000 to 2005, drug maker payments to psychiatrists rose more than six-fold, to $1.6 million. During those same years, medications of anti-psychotics for kids in the Medicaid program rose more than nine-fold. It is sad, yet self-evident, that the politics of money have long infiltrated the offices of many of those who should be defending adolescents from prescription drug use. The fact is that whether people use their medications legally or not, the company still makes money on every tablet.

The culture growing between teenagers who use prescription medications is poignantly different from that around other drugs. First, know that these medications are much cheaper than most other drugs, and many adolescents get them for free, from medicine cabinets, peers, or their own prescribed medications (e.g., Ritalin). The price for a tablet of the most commonly used drug medications ranges from 3 to 6 dollars, with prices getting cheaper in bulk. OxyContin and other stronger medications can be a little more. Prices vary based on availability and on how many milligrams are in the dose. What this means is that not only can teens often afford to take them every day, but they do not have to buy them to try them since the low cost makes many happy to share.

The issue of prescription drug use is not new, so why has it been sidelined for so long, and why has the threat been growing so much faster in recent years? First consider that tablets and capsules have a connotation of safety, especially for naïve, risk-taking teenagers. The primary reasons for this connotation are because tablets and capsules are easier to take than smoking marijuana or drinking liquor and are professionally manufactured in a lab. They are easily available, comparatively cheap, and inconspicuous to carry around. Furthermore, most adolescents see them being used legally, often by their moms and dads.

An adolescent might easily say to his/her mother or father, “If you can take them, why can’t I? We do it for the same reasons.” Perhaps this is part of what many moms and dads misinterpret about adolescent drug use. Much more often than a parent might think, adolescents are abusing prescription medications not to get high, but rather to be less depressed, less stressed-out, more focused, or better rested. If moms and dads are not drawing the line, then how will their kids learn to?

Direct-to-consumer drug advertising was approved by the Food and Drug Administration in 1997. Since then, most people have come to take it for granted that their lives will be flooded with ads for prescription medications. These ads do not take a medical degree to understand, yet many of the products they advertise do. Someone who is nineteen now was nine when the floodgates opened. The result is that ever since today’s adolescents have been aware of prescription medications, their understanding of them has been largely shaped by the drug companies.

It should be no surprise that so many adolescents now believe the industry message that “tablets and capsules offer a cure for any ill.” Which ones to take, many ads suggest, is largely a matter of personal choice. Many teenagers come to view school-related stressors as a series of problems that can be solved with tablets and capsules. Being an adolescent can mean being fixated on personal problem. Unfortunately, many adolescents have not realized that using prescription medications only brings them more difficulty.

With other drugs, like marijuana and cocaine, adolescents often have to look around quite a bit to find a dealer, who also routinely sells prescription medications, often importing them in quantity from countries like Mexico that allow you to buy anything you like over the counter. Yet the primary means of trafficking prescription medications, especially for adolescents, is through social networks (e.g., peers and classmates). The effect of adolescent's sharing and trading medications at little or no increased price, is that drug dealers often can’t make as much money on these medications as they can on others for which they completely control the supply.

The multitude of ways adolescents take prescription medications and mix them with other drugs making "cocktails" demonstrates how their uses lead straight to even more destructive drug habits. All three major categories of used drugs can be easily crushed and snorted, making the sensation more instant and overwhelming, and very often leading adolescents to seek out cocaine and speed. Opiates and CNS depressants are frequently crushed and smoked, often with marijuana. The injection of Opiates and CNS depressants among adolescents, by crushing them and mixing the powder with water, is also growing. The trend is especially alarming given some of these medications similarity to heroin, especially OxyContin.

The reality of the ongoing prescription swap-meet between adolescents has long-term implications for the mental health of many children who may grow up without learning how to make themselves feel healthy without illegal medications. Another alarming trend with prescription medications is that females are more likely to use them than males. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health reported in 2002 that 4.3% of female adolescents reported abusing prescription medications in the last month in comparison to 3.6% of male adolescents. The disparity is likely due in part to the propensity of many adolescents to pop tablets and capsules to lose weight. The effect prescription medications have on one's judgment can interact with eating disorders to raise a host of fresh health threats. What many moms and dads find most painful about adolescent prescription drug use is that, because most adolescents are always willing to sell-off a few tablets and capsules, many more kids are in effect becoming drug dealers.

The growing amount of medications in more homes means, not only that they are more easily available to adolescents, but also that they may feel more commonplace and safe to adolescents. A consequence of this is that many adolescents are happy to play physician for their peers. Teens crudely mimic their physicians’ behaviors, using phrases such as, “All you have to do is try a little more or a little less, or you can always switch to something similar.” It is normal to hear adolescents express this attitude saying something like, “I don't think it is wrong -- when I have the prescription medication I know a friend needs to make them feel better, I give them a tablet or two.”

The universe of available prescription medications is too great for almost anyone to keep close track, especially with the astronomical number of new medications and generics introduced every year. Yet a practical understanding of the tablets and capsules most often popped is vital for moms and dads to fight back.

What can parents do?

Putting medications under lock and key seems obvious, yet use usually gets started because moms and dads don't. In addition to this practice, count your tablets and capsules, keeping a sticky note on the bottle where you can initial and write the number of tablets and capsules left every time you take some. This practice may sound like a lot of paperwork, but it is a clear signal to adolescents that you are constantly vigilant on the issue, and it should help provide a deterrent.

Ask your physician if your medications are often used and how, so that you know the symptoms. Most drugs will not get you high or serve adolescents' perceived self-medication needs. If this is the case with your medications, you should be open with your adolescent about it, joking "you would not get a rush from taking my heart medication -- I sure don't."

It's not just prescription medications, but over-the-counter as well that moms and dads need to focus on. Talk to your kids. Let them know that, just because they're prescribed by a physician, doesn't mean they couldn't be deadly.

Once you have taken the initial steps to become more informed, and to secure the drugs in your home, considering how to discuss the issue with your family is the next move. Begin by listening. Just starting a general conversation on prescription medications can illuminate your adolescent's tendencies before you clam them up with warnings and rules. Once you have learned your adolescent's honest opinions on the issue, set clear expectations with your adolescent, letting them know that under no circumstances should they ever take drugs without your knowledge. Let them know that if they ever feel curious about whether they would benefit from taking drugs that you would love to discuss it with them and the family physician or counselor. Your kids tune you out when you lecture them, so use teachable moments to get the message across instead (e.g., organizing the bathroom, swinging by the pharmacy).

Prescription drug use has been played down for so long that reaching out to the community for support is even more critical than with other drugs and liquor. If you are the only person in their life concerned about it, it is much easier for adolescents to discount your warnings. Making sure that your adolescent's physician is actively addressing the issue when he or she talks with your adolescent is vital. Next, meet with the adolescent's school counselor, nurse, and principal, to hear what they have to say about the issue in your adolescent's peer group. Make sure that the most current information is included in your adolescent's health class and that all moms and dads are being asked to lock-up and count their tablets and capsules.

It is highly unlikely that you can prevent your adolescent from being exposed to prescription drug use. The question is how you can help him/her to think critically and respond confidently. If your adolescent is showing a special curiosity about prescription medications, it usually means that he/she at least has peers who are abusing them. When you observe this curiosity, satisfy it with the facts. Let him/her know that taking a tablet one can’t identify or wasn’t prescribed is like playing Russian roulette.

The risks of overdosing, date rape, and taking a tablet that kills you are things that too many moms and dads as well as adolescents are not talking about. Experimenting with and becoming dependent on prescription medications is a swift path to the people, situations, and other medications that are even more dangerous for adolescents. Times are changing, and so are the cultures and methods of prescription drug use.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Teens and Their Mood Swings

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 14:27:00 +0000

Mood swings in adolescents are extremely common, and the best that moms and dads can do is to dig-in their heels and get ready for a few years of turbulence. At one point or another, virtually all adolescents deal with seemingly extreme shifts in mood.

Causes of Mood Swings in Adolescents—

Adolescence is a period of chaos and stress. This period of time will be marked by drama and “frustrated idealism” regardless of environmental factors. Cultural, spiritual, and familial factors play a role in whether or not an adolescent experiences “severe” mood swings. Most researchers agree that mood swings are a combination of biological and emotional factors that affect an adolescent’s mood:

1. Adolescence is a time when the body starts producing sex hormones as well as going through a major growth spurt. The physical changes that adolescents experience cause them to feel strange and perhaps confused or uncomfortable, and this erodes their sense of security. Because of the effect that this has on their psychological state, they may strike out or experience conflicting moods.

2. Researchers have discovered that the brain continues to grow and develop through adolescence much more than originally thought. Because the brain reaches 90% of its full size by the age of six, it has historically been believed that it had also reached almost full development. Now it is believed that the brain changes much more during the teenage years than previously believed. The grey matter on the outer part of the brain thickens over time with this process peaking at age 11 in females and age 12 in males. After this process is over, the brain begins to trim away excess grey matter that is not used, leaving only the information that the brain needs and making the brain more efficient. One of the last areas to go through this trimming process is the prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain responsible for judgment, self-control, and planning. This means that, while adolescents have very strong emotions and passions, they don’t have the mechanisms in place to control these emotions.

Teens are capable of very strong emotions and very strong passions, but their prefrontal cortex hasn't caught up with them yet. It's as though they don't have the brakes that allow them to slow those emotions down. Researchers say this may help explain the often irrational behavior of teens (e.g., mood swings, risk-taking, etc.). Psychologists believe this new understanding of the teenage brain and its limitations can help mothers and fathers recognize there are some behaviors teens can’t easily control. The more educators and the more moms and dads that understand that there is a biological limitation to the teenager’s ability to control and regulate emotion, the more they may be able to be a bit more understanding, and thus avoid taking certain behaviors personally (e.g., an occasional disrespectful attitude).

3. Adolescents are typically very preoccupied with identity formations and becoming entities with lives separate from those of their moms and dads. This can cause confusion or frustration. While the world seems to be changing constantly around them, they feel as though they can’t keep up or handle the pressure, and this leads to a slightly off-kilter emotional state.

4. Adolescents have not yet developed the ability to deal with the pressures, frustrations, and anxieties of life. As their lives become more complicated and adult-like, they don’t have the built-in coping mechanisms that adults have developed to help them deal, so they are prone to react very emotionally to situations.

How Mood Swings Affect Adolescents—

Mood swings can leave an adolescent feel like they’re out of control, which is a very uncomfortable state for anyone to be in. Of course, if the mood swings are severely abnormal or prolonged, the adolescent should see a professional about other possible issues. Normal adolescent mood swings can make an adolescent feel unbalanced, though, and are not to be taken lightly.

Here are some tips for what your adolescent can do when dealing with a mood swing:

• Exercise - exercise releases endorphin into the blood stream, and these chemicals can help to regulate mood and ease frustration.

• Get creative – painting, drawing, writing, or building something can help an adolescent to express their emotions in a healthy way.

• Get plenty of rest – regular sleep helps keep the mind in tip-top shape.

• Realize that they’re not alone – talking to a friend or peer who is dealing with the same issues will make them feel less abnormal and help them realize that they are not crazy.

• Take a breather – stepping back and trying to look at the situation from another angle, counting to ten, or just sitting with the uncomfortable feelings for a moment will help the adolescent to realize that it’s not as bad as it seems.

• Wait – the mood may pass as quickly as it struck; wait before acting out on extreme emotions.

Treating Mood Swings—

There are a variety of treatment options available to cope with mood swings. Examine the following list and decide which treatment might work best for you and your teenager:

1. Behavioral Therapy: Behavioral therapy helps to weaken the connections between troublesome situations and habitual reactions to them. Reactions common to mood swings such as fear, anxiety, depression, anger, and self-damaging behavior can be controlled. Behavioral therapy teaches your adolescent how to calm the mind and body, so they can feel better, think more clearly, and make better decisions.

2. Cognitive Therapy: Cognitive therapy teaches your adolescent how certain thinking patterns are causing your symptoms — by giving a distorted picture of what's going on in their life, and making them feel anxious, depressed or angry for no apparent reason, or provoking them into negative actions. Resolving the cognitive aspect of mood swings can mean improved social interaction, more confidence, and a more positive outlook on life.

3. Literary Therapy: Literary therapy incorporates books, articles, and other research materials into the process of healing. By gathering information about mood swings, one can acquire in-depth knowledge about his or her problems. This knowledge provides the essential tools for controlling and resolving ones issues. There is an extensive amount of information available from a wide range of perspectives. Many books can be checked out from a local library, and most internet information is presented free of charge.

4. Non-prescriptive Alternatives: There are many non-prescription alternatives on the market today. Some of these alternatives contain supplemental vitamins and minerals, while others contain herbal alternatives that have been used to naturally medicate mood swings. Clinical evidence for Valerian, Kava Kava and St. Johns Wort suggests that these herbal constituents can provide significant benefit in helping to relieve negative mood and other symptoms related to anxiety and depression.

5. Talk Therapy: Talk therapy involves the idea of healing through communication. Talking to friends, family members, or a therapist can help your adolescent to find support for those dealing with mood swings. Communication comes naturally to humans, and the simple act of discussing one’s problems can be extremely helpful in the healing process.

6. Talking to the Medical professional about Mood Swings: An important part in the diagnosis and treatment of mood swings is communicating with your medical professional is. By talking to your medical professional openly, you allow him/her to provide your teenager with the best treatment program possible. It is extremely important that you maintain open communication with your medical professional. He/she can help you to understand your symptoms and treatment options. The first step is to find a medical professional or that's right for you. Once you have started a treatment plan, it is important for you to provide your medical professional with updates about how you are feeling. Sometimes it is difficult to remember all of the points you want to discuss in your visit.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Helping Children Accept The New Stepfather

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 15:37:00 +0000

Question

I am a divorced mother with a 15-year-old daughter. I am about to become married to a wonderful man, David. My daughter tolerates him – but says she doesn’t really like him and is even a bit defiant around him. How can I help her accept my fiancée as her soon-to-be stepfather?

Answer

Kids grow by facing and working through challenges. The challenges presented by divorce and remarriage present opportunities for growth. However, kids are only able to grow from challenges if they are in a manageable range (i.e., not so easy that kids don’t have to stretch to meet them, but not so hard that they can’t stretch enough). The younger the son or daughter, the more moms and dads must help to bring a conflict into this manageable range.

The challenges of a new family are multi-faceted and different for each youngster. Your daughter is at a particular developmental point with specific needs, resulting in very particular meanings that a stepdad might have for her at this point. For example:

David will occupy much of your attention, and this my present a special issue if there are times that your daughter is at her father's home longing for you.
If her father is alive, she may maintain hope that you and he will remarry. In her mind, the stepdad may interfere with that scenario.
Your daughter may feel like she is abandoning her biological father if she is too affectionate with David. David may parent differently than her father, perhaps in ways that she prefers, thus adding to these feelings of disloyalty.
Add to the mix that David has his own adjustments to make and the fact that your relationship with your ex will have its difficulties as well.

For any youngster, this situation is not only complex, but highly individualized. This is the reason a generic, one-size-fits-all approach does not exist. But there are various general approaches and attitudes that you can use that can help your daughter:

1. Your daughter will grow emotionally and will develop the strongest relationship with David if you help her accept and understand her situation in all its complexity. Some challenges she faces may remain unresolved. For example, biological dads sometimes are jealous of their kid's (and ex-wife’s) relationship with the new dad. If that is the case in your situation, your daughter’s growing love for David will affect her dad. Ignoring this reality in the hopes that she doesn't notice or think about it could negatively affect her relationship with her father, her stepdad – and even you. Do not burden her with a heavy discussion about matters that she has not really taken in or is not ready to discuss, however.

2. You can find your way by remaining available and nonjudgmental. Imagine your child telling you that her father says that he doesn't like David. You could ask how she felt hearing that. Imagine your daughter saying that she worries about father. You might ask the very logical question, "Do you worry that he would be upset if you and David had fun together?" If she agreed, you could simply let her know that you understand how hard this would be. You might add that her father also wants her to have fun.

3. It is your ex-husband’s job to work out his mixed-up feelings, and it is your daughter’s job to feel good with the important people in her life. In this way, you provide understanding and encouragement while not trying to cover the situation or artificially resolve it. Your daughter will have many years ahead during which she will face changes in her environment and in her feelings. If you maintain the distinction between behavior and her inner world, and continually offer an open, affirming and guiding approach to her struggles, in all likelihood, her relationship with David will evolve into a meaningful and sustaining one.

4. Lastly, require your daughter to behave well and respectfully toward David. However, restrict your approval or disapproval to her actions rather than her thoughts and feelings. For example, deal with her defiance with the same disapproval and consequences you would use for her actions in any situation. But don't try to talk her out of her feelings. You could say, “You may not like it when David tells you to pick up your clothes from the bedroom floor, and it is OK to feel that way, but you still must obey him.” It is not recommend that you say something like, "You should love David."

Having said this, here are a few general guidelines for enjoying a successful blended family. Some of these will apply to your specific situations, others won’t:

1. All family members argue, so don’t assume all family arguments are the result of living in a blended family.

2. All relationships are respectful. This is not just referring to the children' behavior toward the adults. Respect should be given not just based on age, but based on the fact that you are all family members now.

3. Being civil. If family members can be civil with one another on a regular basis rather than ignoring, purposely trying to hurt or completely withdrawing from each other, you're on track.

4. Beware of favoritism. Be fair. Don’t overcompensate by favoring your stepkids. This is a common mistake, made with best intentions, in an attempt to avoid indulging your biological kids.

5. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Be sure to discuss everything. Never keep emotions bottled up or hold grudges.

6. Compassion for everyone’s development. Members of your blended family may be at various life stages and have different needs (teens versus toddlers, for example). They may also be at different stages in accepting this new family. Family members need to understand and honor those differences.

7. Don’t allow ultimatums. Your children or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life.

8. Don't expect to fall in love with your partner’s kids overnight. Get to know them. Love and affection take time to develop.

9. Find support. Locate a step-parenting support organization in your community. You can learn how other blended families address some of the challenges of blended families.

10. Find ways to experience “real life” together. Taking both sets of children to a theme park every time you get together is a lot of fun, but it isn’t reflective of everyday life. Try to get the children used to your partner and his or her kids in daily life situations.

11. Insist on respect. You can’t insist people like each other but you can insist that they treat one another with respect.

12. Limit your expectations. You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new partner’s children that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest.

13. Make parenting changes before you marry. Agree with your new partner how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles before you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition and your children won’t become angry at your new spouse for initiating changes.

14. Make special arrangements. If some of the children just visit, make sure they have a locked cupboard for their personal things. Bringing toothbrushes and other “standard fare” each time they come to your home makes them feel like a visitor, not a member of the blended family.

15. Room for growth. After a few years of being blended, hopefully the family will grow and members will choose to spend more time together and feel closer to one another.

16. Solid marriage. Without the marriage, there is no family. It's harder to take care of the marriage in a blended family because you don't have couple time like most first marriages do. You'll have to grow and mature into the marriage while parenting.

17. Spend time every day with your youngster. Try to spend at least one “quiet time” period with your youngster (or kids) daily. Even in the best of blended families, kids still need to enjoy some “alone time” with each parent.

18. Too many changes at once can unsettle kids. Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With Teen Vandalism

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:19:00 +0000

The official definition of vandalism is given by the Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) division of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). It says that vandalism is "willful or malicious destruction, injury, disfigurement, or defacement of any public or private property, real or personal, without the consent of the owner or persons having custody or control" as stated in the most recent Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Fact Sheet on Juvenile Vandalism.

Vandalism includes a wide variety of acts such as:

breaking or throwing items out of windows
damaging parked cars
damaging trees
posting graffiti in public places
setting false fire alarms
setting fires
smashing mailboxes
stealing
tampering with equipment (e.g., vending machines, pay telephones)
trashing unguarded property (e.g., empty buildings and/or lots, public or semi-public toilet facilities, school property)

Making Sense of Adolescent Vandalism—

There are a number of reasons why an adolescent might vandalize property:

could be part of an initiation in a gang
in the case of graffiti, the adolescent considers vandalism as a form of self-expression or art
someone dared him to do it
sometimes adolescents make poor decisions when they are bored
the girl he likes admires someone who takes risks
they could be succumbing to peer-pressure
to get revenge against someone

Some of the behaviors and situations that are linked to adolescent vandalism include:

binge drinking
feeling hostile towards the property owner
peer pressure
seeking money to buy drugs

In the case of graffiti, however, there may be other factors at works. At least some graffiti vandals consider themselves "graffiti artists" or "street artists." It seems that these teenagers view their efforts to be towards ornamenting or enhancing coupled with self-expression. The international fame of Banksy, the English graffiti artist, and other graffiti artists has likely contributed to “teen confusion” about whether graffiti vandalism should be considered criminal.

Adolescent's graffiti creations, while not in sanctioned places, may have artistic merit. This possibility places this type of adolescent vandalism in contrast to types of vandalism in which items are devalued through being smashed or broken. Graffiti is only “wrong” because it is created in the wrong place.

While addressing adolescent vandalism often involves reparation and repair of damaged property, addressing adolescent vandalism involving graffiti may also involve providing the teenager with a sanctioned place in which to perform his/her "art" and opportunities to put the talent to a positive use.

Consequences Associated with Adolescent Vandalism—

Besides repairing damage to structures, covering graffiti, replacing ruined property, there are other high costs to adolescent vandalism. Publicly viewable vandalism changes the atmosphere of a place. It may give the impression that the people in the area do not value their space and that the area is not well-protected and perhaps unsafe. This may result in reduced use of the area in and around the damaged property. Property, such as subway cars, that has to be removed from service in order to be cleaned of graffiti or repaired also can cause disruption of service.

How can you know if your adolescent is engaging in vandalism?

Unfortunately, vandalism is very easy for an adolescent to hide. Unless they bring a street sign home as a souvenir, there is no ‘evidence’ to find, and rarely do they act differently than they normally do. That’s why it is important for moms and dads to do two things:

know where your adolescent is at all times, because an adolescent who knows his mother or father cares - and is involved - is more likely to avoid becoming a vandal
talk about vandalism with your teens and explain why it is not a good idea

Are moms and dads liable?

Vandalism, defined as the willful or malicious destruction or defacement of public or private property, has become a significant problem in many communities across the United States. As a result, many states have passed laws to make moms and dads liable for their children's vandalism. Although the law generally states that one person is not responsible for the actions of another, and that the person who commits an illegal act is the one who suffers the consequences, the parent-child relationship carries some unique responsibilities.

Although moms and dads may be liable for their teen’s acts of vandalism, the good news is most states limit how much a mother or father can be forced to pay. In addition, some states limit the financial responsibility to property damage, though others also include personal injuries. Depending on state law, parents may only be required to pay for damages to property owned by public entities like cities and schools, though some states require payment to private property owners as well.

A teen can be charged monetary fines for their acts, and also can be charged with a crime if they are caught vandalizing. Depending on age and state law, teens can be processed through the juvenile justice system or through the adult system. If vandalism damages occurred as a result of gang activity or if the property damaged belonged to a school, the penalties can be more severe.

Vandalism isn't the only act for which moms and dads can be liable. For example, if an adolescent takes his father’s gun, even without permission, and brings it to school or commits a crime, the father may be subject to criminal charges. Similarly, if a teenager is at fault in injuring someone or damaging property while driving, the parents can be liable. Moms and dads can also be held liable for permitting a minor to drive without a license or learner's permit.

How to explain the problems vandalism causes?

It is important that moms and dads explain how to distinguish pranks from vandalism. Often, adolescents think vandalism is a ‘victimless crime’ (e.g., they don’t believe they’re hurting anyone by spray painting graffiti on a brick building, or tossing a few eggs at a neighbor’s car). Help them see the ramifications of their actions. Explain to them that vandalism costs taxpayers a lot of money because the property must be repaired and the crime must be investigated. That takes money away from other important things that your adolescent may care about. For example, because the school has to use money to cover up graffiti, they may have to cut out art programs. Besides repairing damage, there are other high costs to adolescent vandalism. Publicly viewable vandalism changes the atmosphere of a place. It may give the impression that the people in the area do not value their space and that the area is not well-protected and perhaps unsafe.

If you find out your teenager has vandalized something, the best consequence is to make them clean it up and/or pay for repairs. When they have to scrape off the gross, dried egg – and they see that it takes off paint – the message will be loud and clear. If you happen to have a graffiti artist on your hands, then it’s important to provide them with a sanctioned place to stage his art or opportunities to put the talent to a positive use.

Also, it’s important that moms and dads communicate that vandalism is a crime. If they are caught, they can be charged with a crime and that will stain their permanent record as they try to go to college and start a career.

Addressing Adolescent Vandalism—

Different approaches are taken to adolescent vandalism. Education is one approach. Making sure that adolescents can distinguish pranks from vandalism is one issue addressed.

Repairing and restoring property, which has been found to ease public concerns as well, is another. Reparation is often part of the restitution if an adolescent vandal is caught.

A third approach to preventing adolescent vandalism is prevention. One way of preventing vandalism is providing alternative activities for adolescents. Teen centers, schools, and community groups may sponsor alcohol-free activities, for example. Patrols in areas that are susceptible to vandalism may also help discourage adolescent vandals from harming it.

Preventing Vandalism—

If you see an area that has been damaged or defaced by adolescent vandalism, report it immediately. If it’s your own property, make any necessary repairs as soon as you are cleared to do so by local authorities. Often, vandals will re-hit an area if they believe nobody is watching or nobody cares that it has been defaced.

One of the best ways to keep adolescents from engaging in vandalism, or really in any negative or risky behavior, is to provide adolescents with positive options to use their free time. Encourage your adolescent to take up a sport, club, exercise class, or extracurricular activity. Allow them to get a job babysitting, mowing lawns, or walking dogs, which will instill a strong work ethic and help them earn extra money while keeping them busy. Check the YMCA, churches, Boys and Girls Clubs, 4H, and other youth nonprofits for safe adolescent activities. Often, adolescents can take classes at the local community college and transfer the credits to the college of their choice after high school. They can take most electives without a prerequisite, and might enjoy the taste of adulthood that goes along with taking classes at a higher learning institution.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Parental Abuse by Teens

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 16:44:00 +0000

Teenagers may learn that by threatening, intimidating, and behaving in an abusive manner, they will effectively frighten a mother or father into doing what they want (e.g., giving in or allowing them to have their way). One teenager stated, “I know how to get out of being grounded. I just start knocking stuff off the shelves, and my mother tells me to get out of the house.”

Abusing the parent may also give a teenager (who’s feeling powerless) a sense of control. It should be noted that teenagers who threaten physical violence, push or hit their parents, or destroy property (as part of an overall pattern of violating the rights of others) have moved beyond typical teenage rebellion and into oppositional defiance and/or conduct disorder.

Moms and dads struggling with their teen’s abuse are often confused and belittled. It can be hard to discover ways to keep everyone safe, including the teenager whose behavior is posing the risk to positive family relationships and safety. It can be difficult to know how to make things better. You are not alone! Here are some stats:

9% of all family violence incidents recorded by police involve parents/step parents who report violence by a child/stepchild ages 12-24 years.
Teen violence exists across all communities, social classes, cultural backgrounds and geographic areas.
Teen violence is not just against parents. Many teenagers are also violent to their siblings.
Teen violence often becomes a major problem between the ages of 12 and 17 years.
Mothers are more likely to be abused than fathers.
It is estimated that approximately 70% of perpetrators are male and 30% are female.

Listen to your own warning bells. You know when things are not right, so go with your own feelings and thoughts. You may have experienced teen violence if:

you are ‘walking on eggshells’ trying to predict your teenager’s wants and needs
you feel afraid of upsetting your teenager, and you change your behavior to avoid it
your teenager blames you for his/her behavior
your teenager constantly criticizes you and puts you down
your teenager pushes, hits, punches or hurts you or his/her siblings, throws things or damages your possessions or those of other family members
your teenager ridicules or tries to humiliate or embarrass you, your family or friends
your teenager threatens to hurt you, themselves or others (e.g., children, family, friends, pets) if you do not meet his/her demands
your teenager threatens you that he/she will leave home if you do not do what they want

Things to remember about violent behavior:

All violence is inappropriate, and physical violence and property damage are criminal offenses.
It won’t go away! Violence generally worsens over time.
Teenagers may apologize after the violence, giving you a false sense of hope that things may improve. They usually need more help to change.
The teenager will not be able to stop their violent behavior on their own. With support from others, you can help to facilitate the change.
The violence is never an acceptable or healthy way for the teenager to solve problems in their life, their family or community.
Violence may not happen all the time. It may occur in cycles or as isolated incidents.
Violent behavior is the responsibility of the teenager. You did not cause the teenager to be violent.
You are not responsible for your teenagers’ behavior.
You don’t have to know why things are happening to enable change to happen. Even a small change may feel like an improvement in the situation.
You may find it is difficult to deal with a violent teenager, as you are the provider and supporter for many of their needs.
You may not want to report violent behavior to the police because you are concerned for your teenager’s future.

If you are suffering abuse at the hands of your teenage son or daughter, here are some tips:

1. Get your teen acquainted with anger. Anger is a normal reaction to frustrating circumstances. Teenagers need to understand that it's okay to feel this emotion, but it's not okay to punch a hole through a wall because of it. Moms and dads can try to sit down and talk with their teenagers (when everyone is calm) and help them recognize what kinds of situations trigger their aggression. Once they recognize the physical responses they have when they are getting angry, or when they've identified the kinds of situations that often gets them in trouble, they can better anticipate and avoid reacting negatively. Teach your teenagers techniques on how to diffuse their anger, or teach them to walk away before the situation escalates.

2. Make an honest self-assessment. Studies show that teenagers are more likely to get violent if they are also exposed to violence in the family. It's not okay to respond to bad situations with aggression, whether you are in a position of authority at home or not. It's also important to reconsider keeping firearms at home. Research shows that guns kept at home are more likely to be used against a family member or friend than against intruders. Make an honest self-assessment on how you and the other grown-ups at home respond to frustration, especially if the teen's actions are the source of frustration.

3. Present a united front. Moms and dads and other care-givers can work together on solutions for managing the problem of parent abuse whether it is directed at one or both parties.

4. Rebuild an appropriate parent/child relationship. Help your teen understand what you expect. Consider the use of behavior contracts and family meetings. Remove privileges when necessary and spend time together doing things you both enjoy.

5. Remind yourself that you do have inner strength and wisdom. You might not feel like it now faced with what seems like such an insurmountable problem, but you do have strength. Marshaling that strength will help you do something. It might be learning more about parent abuse, interviewing therapists, finding a support group, etc. Just doing something can help you banish the feeling of powerlessness that often comes with parent abuse.

6. Solve problems with teenagers. Moms and dads, especially those who are “overprotective,” tend to make the mistake of fixing everything for their teens. While the intention may be good, the truth is that it doesn't help teenagers develop problem-solving skills. It helps when moms and dads sit down with teenagers and problem-solve with them. Involve them in recognizing the problem, facing it squarely, and thinking about solutions and possible consequences. If the problem involves them, then it's best to make sure that they're involved in the solution as well.

7. Team up. Moms and dads must understand that they can't be with their teenagers at all times. Teenagers will never flourish and grow up to be well-adjusted citizens with their moms and dads constantly looking over their shoulders. When dealing with abusive teenagers, there are dangers that need to be addressed, and parents will not always be there to help their teenagers make the right decisions. For example, teenagers will not always listen to their mother or father about staying away from gangs and their guns. Guns are, in the eyes of teenagers, symbols of power. Teaming up with other parents, teachers, counselors, community workers and neighbors may be a more efficient way of keeping an eye on your teenagers and exposing them to positive peer influences. In a sense, it's like casting a wider net with the help of concerned and trustworthy grown-ups.

8. Think safety. Making a safety plan and calling the police, if necessary, does not mean you don’t love your teenager. We all want to protect our kids, but that protection can’t be traded against personal safety. Everyone has a right to physically and emotionally safe.

9. Understand that turning the problem around will take time. As you experiment with different resources, allow time to determine if what you are trying is really for you. If not, why not? For example, what kind of therapist do you think would work best with your family? Is it someone that values a collaborative approach? Someone that has more traditional positions on family roles and responsibilities? It is important to look for a good fit that feels comfortable.

10. You are not alone. Again, although the problem isn’t often talked about, it does exist – and it is increasingly common. Blaming is not the answer or even a useful response to the problem.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Abusive Teens

Issuing Consequences 101

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 15:18:00 +0000

A consequence is a result of something a child does. Letting kids experience the natural or logical consequences of their actions is one way to teach responsibility. A natural consequence means what happens because of something a youngster does. A logical consequence is a result arranged by the mother/father but logically related to what the youngster did. Natural and logical consequences result from choices kids make about their behavior. In effect, they choose the consequence they experience.

Sometimes the consequence which naturally or logically follows the youngster's behavior is unpleasant. By allowing kids to experience the pleasant or unpleasant consequence of their behavior, moms and dads and caregivers help kids learn what happens because of the behavior choices they made. Using consequences can be an effective discipline tool with kids three years old and older.

Natural Consequences: These are the inevitable result of a youngster's own actions. For example, despite Dad's urging him to put on his coat, Jake goes outside when it's cold without wearing a coat. The natural result is that Jake gets cold. This result is a consequence of a choice Jake made. Natural consequences are: (a) the responsibility of the youngster and (b) not administered by the mother/father.

Logical Consequences: Logical consequences happen as a result of a youngster's action, but are imposed by the mother/father. For example, 4-year-old Kylie rides her bike into the street after she was told not to. The logical consequence for Kylie's mother to impose on Kylie is to take her bike away for the rest of the morning. Logical consequences are most useful when a youngster's action could result in harm. It is important to make sure that logical consequences are reasonable and related to the problem, and to let both the youngster and the mother/father keep their self-respect.

How to Use Logical and Natural Consequences—

1. Identify reasons: When your youngster misbehaves, find out what he/she is doing and try to figure out why. Kids usually misbehave for these reasons: (a) because they feel inadequate, (b) to get even, (c) to get power, and (d) to get your attention.

It's important to try to understand why the youngster is misbehaving so you can take the correct action.

Michael, age 5, was playing in the yard. It was almost time to go to preschool. Mom called to Michael that he had five minutes to finish playing. Michael kept on playing because he was having fun. “One minute left,” warned Mom. His toys were still all over the yard and it was time to go.

Paying no attention to his Mother is a great way for Michael to gain power and get attention.

2. Decide whose problem it is: Some problems are the youngster's alone. When this is the case, it's often best simply to let whatever will happen, happen. As long as the consequences are not dangerous, don't interfere. This is a natural consequence. For example, if Michael were playing out in the yard when it began to rain and he would not come in, he would get wet. The natural consequence would be the discomfort of being drenched. When Michael will not put his toys away, his mother has the problem. Mom really needs Michael to put his trucks away before going to preschool. They live in an apartment complex where there are many other kids and the toys might not be there when they return. Mom has been working to help Michael be more responsible for his toys. In this case it's time to use a logical consequence.

3. Offer choices: When you want your youngster to do something or behave in a certain way, the best way is to offer a few choices. Make sure any choice you offer is one you can live with and does not harm the youngster.

“Michael, I need you to pick up the toys right now. If you don't they will have to be put away until tomorrow. I know you will want to play truck when we come home. That won't be possible unless you put them back in the house now. It's your choice.”

It's important to keep in mind that a logical consequence comes from the youngster's decision.

4. Stand firm: If the youngster chooses a consequence, follow through and don't waver. This is very important when you begin using this technique. A youngster used to getting his/her way through misbehavior may try to do the same thing as Michael thing when choosing a logical consequence.

Michael looked at Mom and continued playing. Mom said “All right, I can see you have decided not to play with your truck this afternoon.” Mom then removed the truck and put it in an out-of-reach place that Michael could see. Michael began to cry and throw dirt. Mom remained calm (it was not easy to do) and simply reminded Michael that he had made a choice.

5. Talk to your youngster about choices in a positive way: A choice given as a way to get something is far more appealing to a youngster than a warning. The actual consequence is probably the same, but a power struggle is avoided because the mother/father is positive rather than threatening.

Michael's Mom might want to rephrase her words. She might have better luck if she said, “Michael, I want you to be able to play with your truck later. Let's bring it into the house right now so you can play with it when we come home from preschool. I know you really like this truck, but if we leave it out here, it might disappear like the blue one did.”

6. Let your youngster know when she or he has done something good: As soon as a youngster corrects his behavior, let him know you think it's great. All of us respond better to praise than to criticism. Sometimes it's the only way a youngster knows he has met your expectations.

Two days later Michael was playing truck again. Now, Mom needed to go to the store and asked Michael to put the truck in the house. He ignored her for a minute, but when Mom reminded him that he was responsible for making sure the truck didn't disappear (either because he left it in the yard or because Mom put it away for a brief period of time) he picked it up and walked toward the door. Mom said, “Wow, I really like the way you're taking care of your truck. I'm proud of you!”

7. If possible, let the youngster help decide the consequence: Because the problem is the youngster's and she is in charge of the choices she makes, it's a good idea to ask her what she thinks a good consequence might be. This makes it more likely that the youngster will do what you ask. And if she chooses not to do it, she was part of the team that decided what the consequence would be.

Michael and Mom were talking about what might happen if he didn't bring in the truck. Michael understood the reason for needing to keep track of his toys and said that it might be taken away by another youngster if it were left out. Mom talked about how it would be hard to buy Michael another truck right now because trucks cost a lot of money. Michael said that if the truck disappeared, he might be able to help buy a new one with some of the money he got for his birthday. They both agreed that the best solution was to bring the truck in whenever Michael wasn't playing with it.

Kids can often come up with better consequences than their moms and dads when given the chance.

Guidelines for Using Logical Consequences—

Logical consequences are arranged by an adult but must be experienced by the youngster as a direct result of his/her behavior. To be effective, the consequence needs to fit the behavior in a logical way so that the youngster associates the consequence with the behavior choice.

1. Logical consequences acknowledge mutual rights and mutual respect.

Mother (TV is blaring): “Kayla, I realize you and Dana are enjoying your program, but your dad and I are trying to talk. Please turn down the volume or go outside. You decide which you'd rather do.”

In contrast, discipline expresses the power of personal authority.

Mother: “Kayla, turn that TV off this instant! I'm trying to talk to your father.”

2. Logical consequences are related to the misbehavior.

Father: “Richard, I'm going to mow the lawn this morning, but I won't be able to mow until all your toys are picked up. Please pick them up. If you don't, I'll place them in a bag and put them out of reach in the garage.”

In contrast, discipline is rarely related to the logic of the misbehavior or situation.

Father (mad): “Richard, I've told you a dozen times to pick up your toys outside. I'm going to mow over them and you can just forget about going to the show this afternoon, too.”

3. Logical consequences are not judgmental.

Son: “Dad, remember when I borrowed your pen without asking?”
Dad: “Yes, I do.”
Son: “Well, I lost it. I've looked everywhere for it.”
Dad: “Well, son, how are you going to replace the pen?”

In this example, Dad handled the situation by focusing on the impersonal fact that a pen was lost and must be replaced. In contrast, discipline implies wrong-doing and personal deficiencies, rather than a mistake or inappropriate behavior.

Dad (very angry): “Son, you took my pen without permission! Don't you know enough to ask? That's outright stealing. And you lost it. You'll never use anything else of mine again!”

4. Logical consequences are related to current and future behavior.

The Johnson family recently got a dog. Little John agreed to feed it, but did not live up to his agreement. John is playing with the dog.

Father: “I'm sorry, John, but you're not ready for the responsibility of caring for a dog. You'll have to leave the dog alone for two days. Then you can take on your responsibility for feeding the dog again.”

In contrast, discipline relates to past behavior.

Father (angrily): “John, you forgot to feed the dog. You don't care one bit about that poor animal. It's just like you to forget. You can't ever play with the dog again.”

5. Logical consequences are done in a firm but kind manner with a pleasant, friendly voice.

James and Robert are kicking each other under the table.

Mother: “You boys may either settle down and eat your breakfast or leave the table until you're ready to join us!”

In contrast, discipline often is threatening and treats the offender with disrespect.

Mother (angrily): “You two knock it off right now or you'll go to school without any breakfast!”

6. Logical consequences give the youngster a choice.

Tina has just come home from school and wants to play outside.

Mother: “Tina, if you plan to play outside, you'll need to change into your play clothes.”

In contrast, discipline demands obedience.

Mother: “Tina, change your clothes right now!”

Sometimes there is a thin line between logical consequences and discipline. The tone of voice, friendly attitude, and willingness to accept the youngster's decision are essential characteristics of logical consequences. No matter how logical an action may seem to you, if your words are threatening, the message conveyed to the youngster will be one of discipline. Then, your youngster will be resentful and angry at you for imposing the consequence, instead of taking responsibility for his/her actions and learning from the consequence.

Advantages of Using Natural and Logical Consequences—

Because it separates the deed from the doer, it does not shame or punish the youngster.
It is concerned with present and future behavior and helps kids learn to be responsible for their own actions.
It is done in a calm environment.
It lets kids make a choice.
The consequence is closely tied to the behavior, and gives the youngster a chance to learn what happens when he doesn't behave in the way you expect him to behave.

Disadvantages of Using Natural and Logical Consequences—

It can sometimes be difficult for moms and dads to use natural and logical consequences because the mother/father must be able to think ahead and come up with a proper response.

The youngster must be allowed to experience the consequence.
The consequence takes time to put into action and often does not work the first time.
The mother/father must not step in and “save” the youngster.

Help for Parents with Out-of-Control Teens

Dealing With Your Child's "Silent Treatment"

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 20:36:00 +0000

A youngster or teenager who uses the silent treatment does so as a way to shut parents out – and push their emotional buttons. The silent treatment also gives the youngster a feeling of power and control over the parents. And the more parents make an issue of this form of emotional abuse, the more the youngster uses this strategy.

Often times, the silent treatment is the only problem-solving technique your child has at that moment (i.e., he or she is trying to deal with a particular problem by using a passive-aggressive approach). By avoiding eye contact and discussion, your child has found a way of getting the upper hand.

So what can parents do? Here are 10 tips for dealing with your child's silent treatment:

1. Don’t fall into the “reaction trap.” Many parents take the silent treatment personally; they feel powerless as a parent and react with anger and threats. This is exactly what your child wants. When you get mad and lose it, your child wins – and he/she knows it. Also he/she will kick-up the silent treatment to a whole new level now that it has been reinforced by your over-reaction.

2. Let your child know that the silent treatment is ineffective. First, parents can respond with, “Ignoring me doesn’t solve the problem. You are not to leave the house or engage in any recreational activities until we discuss this matter. Take all the time you need. If you want to talk about it, let me know.” This statement sends a very clear message to your child that (a) his/her silence doesn’t give him/her more power or control and (b) there is a consequence for avoiding addressing the problem. Second, parents should leave the ball in the child’s court at this point. Let the deafening silence run its course – and it will die by default. Your child will eventually realize that this tactic did not help achieve the desired objective.

3. Don’t stoop to your child’s level. In other words, don’t try to be smart and use some reverse psychology by giving him/her the silent treatment in return. It won’t work! Besides, that’s what your child wants – for you to SHUT UP! So, use the strategy outlined in point #2 above, then – and only then – can you let silence reign. You have the upper hand now, because the more your child refuses to talk, the longer he’s grounded.

4. Make the first move. After you have completed steps 1 and 2 above, and at least an hour has elapsed, you can (in one very short sentence) state in a calm voice, “Do you want to talk about it yet?” If you just get more silence, simply go on about your business and try again in another hour. If he/she says something – anything – then try to keep the conversation going.

5. Give your youngster some space to sort out his/her feelings. Don’t try to force him/her to talk, and don’t cajole, threaten or give into his/her demands. Instead, a brief separation may give him/her time to think through the situation. The silent treatment can last a long time in teens, so be patient with the process.

6. Maintain your routine. Proceed with family life and family activities throughout your youngster's silent treatment. That way, he/she doesn’t hold the family hostage with his/her emotional blackmail and manipulative behaviors. If you have regular, fun family outings planned, your youngster may be motivated to begin speaking to fully enjoy the activity.

7. Remember who has legitimate authority. The silent treatment is a power-play, and as the mother or father – you have all the power. So never take the silent treatment personally. Instead, view it as a learning opportunity for your youngster. Remember, you are getting the silent treatment because your youngster has not yet learned more appropriate ways of solving his/her problems. You can help him/her learn better problem solving methods.

8. Reward positive behavior. If your child’s tactic is unsuccessful in manipulating you, he/she will eventually open up. When that happens, express your empathy (e.g., “I’m sorry we both had to go through this”) and praise him/her for opening up (e.g., “I know you were angry, but the fact that you are speaking to me now tells me that you can be respectful”).

9. Begin the process of trouble-shooting using the following guidelines:

First: The two of you will only discuss the problem(s) as long as you are both sitting down. If either of you stands up, there is a break so you can both cool down.
Second: The parent delivers an assertive message to get the discussion started: When you… (state what the child did), I felt… (an emotion – not a thought ). I’d rather you… (child’s new behavior that replaces old behavior).
Third: Ask your child to repeat back what he/she just heard you say.
Fourth: If your child does not paraphrase correctly, return to the third step.
Fifth: If your child paraphrases correctly, ask open-ended questions and make comments such as: How long will this (problem) last? It must be difficult being you. It must be hard for you to imagine your life being any different. What are you feeling right now? What do you think about what I just said? You look ticked-off, who has been hassling you? How can I help you? What can we do so this problem doesn't happen again?

10. Consider drafting a house-rules contract that stipulates what course of action to take in the case your child uses the silent treatment in the future. For example, “When child refuses to discuss a particular issue, child will be allowed a one hour cooling-off period. After one hour, child will either engage in problem-solving with parent or receive an appropriate consequence.”

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Resolving Parent-Child Conflict by Creating Win-Win Outcomes

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 18:10:00 +0000

Some moms and dads are lucky and have a youngster that is easy to discipline or that simply wants to please his parents. Then, there are moms and dads who have a youngster that never listens, does not like to please anyone except himself, and simply is out-of-control. These kids repeatedly test their parents and make the entire family crazy at times. But here's the good news: with a few simple techniques, parents can get even the most uncooperative child to "walk the line."

It’s hard to understand why your youngster refuses to listen to you. Also, it is difficult not to take it personally when she repeatedly does the things you ask her not to do. However, it is important to realize your youngster is not intentionally trying to make you feel like a bad parent. Instead, she is trying to find out what works for her. If she does not do what you ask her to do and you let her get away with it, then it is worth her disobeying to get what she wants. In fact, if you let her get away with it even half of the time - or just sometimes - this is enough for your youngster to challenge your authority and disobey you.

15 tips for parents on how to turn parent-child conflict into a win-win situation:

1. At the end of the day, remind your youngster that he is special and loved. Help him look for something good about the day that is finished and the day that lies ahead.

2. Brag about your child to others when your child is within earshot. For example, tell your wife, ‘”You should have seen Jeremy at the barbershop. He sat up so tall and answered all the barber’s questions.”

3. Give your youngster something to do that he can’t do while misbehaving. For example, “Help me pick out six apples” instead of running around the grocery store. It is a good idea to offer two positive alternatives that are incompatible with the inappropriate behavior: “Would you like to choose the oranges or select the cereal?”

4. Give your youngster two choices, both of which are positive and acceptable to you. When a youngster does something you don’t want him to do or doesn’t want to do what you have requested, give him a choice. For example, if your youngster balks about getting out of bed and ready for school, you say, “You may either get up or you go to bed an hour early tonight.” Then, “You choose, or I’ll choose” is the next choice if he is still reluctant. Usually, he’ll choose, but if not, follow through with the consequence that evening.

5. Instead of yelling, screaming or talking in a loud voice, surprise your youngster by lowering your voice to a whisper. This often evokes immediate attention and helps you stay in control and think more clearly. It’s our reactions to kid’s actions that teach them whether or not to repeat them. They’ll get your attention whichever way they can get it. Kids repeat the behavior that works.

6. Keep it simple. A parent should check frequently to make sure that the child is not overloaded with directions, expectations, and picky regulations. Not only does it make any child non-compliant, but also when surrounded by so many directions, a child will often forget what is expected.

7. Keep your eyes and mind on what is happening. Don’t wait until your youngster is out-of-control to step in. Remove him from the situation if necessary. Stay calm and emotionally detached. Let him know what his options are. Be firm but not mean.

8. Make a big deal over responsible, considerate, appropriate behavior with attention, thanks, praise, thumbs-up, recognition, hugs and special privileges. Kids want your eyeballs more than anything else, so you have to train yourself to look for the good behavior and look away when it is inappropriate (as long as it is not dangerous or destructive). If it is dangerous or destructive, you have to stop it in the least reinforcing way possible – quickly before it escalates.

9. Never embarrass your youngster in front of others. Always move to a private place to talk when there is a problem.

10. Set the rules together. This does not signify that a parent needs to comply with the wishes and demands of their children. Kids need an opportunity to tell their parents what they think and feel about the rules and regulations they are inclined to set. When this happens, kids are more likely to comply with the rules. When a child is asked what she feels about the rules or limits, the child usually feels that she has some sense of control of what is going on. When the child feels that she has some sense of control in a situation, the child is more willing to cooperate and comply. A good time to bring up the discussion of setting the home rules and setting the consequences would be during a family meeting where every member of the family is present.

11. Sometimes, simply use actions instead of words. Don’t say anything. When your youngster continues to get out of bed and comes to the living room, take him back to bed – as many times as it takes. Don’t get upset, talk, scold, threaten or give reasons. Stay calm. Your youngster will learn that nighttime is for sleeping and that you are serious about enforcing bedtime.

12. Tell your youngster to “take a break” and think about what he could do differently that would work better or be more constructive. Tell him that he can come back as soon as he is ready to try again. Put the ball in his court – and make him responsible for changing his behavior.

13. Children have learned that they don't have to cooperate right away. Most parents start off asking their children to do something nicely, and if they don't listen, parents ask a second time using a louder and firmer tone of voice, and then they escalate to threats, "If you don't start doing your homework right now, then you’re grounded tomorrow!" When begging, pleading and bribery fails, parents do what anyone in a state of desperation would do—they explode. They yell, rant and rave and dole-out consequences that are impossible to impose (e.g., "You’re grounded until you bring all your grades up to ‘C’ or above”). Children like to feel powerful, and seeing mom or dad pitch a fit is worth the consequences. Think in terms of teaching your children to listen instead of disciplining them for ignoring you. Teach children to listen using the A, B, C and D's:

A. Ask in a serious tone of voice
B. Be clear and specific
C. Communicate your request in 10 words or less
D. Don't make “not listening” an option

For example, if you ask your child to get ready for bed and he tunes you out, say, "Bedtime. Please, turn the television off." Don't walk away and hope he will do as he is told. Stay with him until it's done. Turn off the television yourself if needed, and just thank him for listening (reverse psychology here). Don't yell or threaten the child. Be creative. Getting ready for bed can be turned into a game, or you can give your child motivation to cooperate by saying, "Go get ready for bed and choose the book you want me to read." Be realistic. It will take time for your son or daughter to become better listeners, and it may very well take you time to learn to stay calm. In the meantime, be on the lookout for small improvements and make sure you praise your youngster for listening-up.

14. The best way to get our children to behave accordingly is to demonstrate the desired behavior ourselves. The three areas where role modeling is particularly helpful are as follows:

BEING ACCOUNTABLE— How a child deals with accountability has a lot to do with how the parent deals with his own mistakes. The permissive parent will tend to hold themselves responsible and accountable for the mistakes of others. Autocratic parents will tend to point the finger, blame, and accuse others for their own mistakes. The democratic parent will tend to acknowledge that he or she made a mistake and finds a way to fix the error.
BEING SOCIAL— As a parent, do we treat our children with courteous, dignity and respect, or do we treat them as if they were commodities? The way we talk and treat kids will determine the way they will respond and treat us. Do we dictate and command or request and ask that our children do what needs to be done? When a parent respects the rights, needs and wants for the child, the child will respect the rights, needs and wants of the parent. That is the way it works.
BEING TIDY— We all want our children to be tidy and do their chores. Before we are able to demand tidiness from our kids, let us examine our own room. Do we demand that our children do their chores while there is laundry that requires to be done, dishes piled up in the sink, and clothes scattered everywhere in our own bedrooms?

15. Get the child's attention. Parents can reduce confusion and non-compliance by making sure that children are paying attention before giving instructions. To endure a child's attention, follow these steps:

Precede every request by speaking the child's name.
Get down to the child's level. The child will not feel inferior, but rather will feel as an equal because you have physically placed yourself at his or her physical level.
Look into the child's eyes and speak directly to the child. The child will find it difficult to look elsewhere when someone has established eye contact.
In some cases, it may be necessary to check the child's understanding by getting verification. A parent can ask, "Can you repeat to me what you need to do?"

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Sneaky Ways To Curb Teen Anger: 22 Tips For Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:58:00 +0000

When parenting angry teens, it’s easy to "take the bait" and turn a minor challenge into a major power struggle – but that ends up being miserable for everyone. Instead, there are steps you can take to prevent or defuse a conflict and help your angry teen learn valuable lessons about respect and cooperation.

1. “No” is a complete sentence. Teens are programmed to push and resist against rules. Saying no is just a boundary, and if you feel guilty or bad for saying no, you are training your teens to have the belief that life should go their way – and if it doesn't, it's your fault as the parent! Say no, just once, and if she throws a tantrum, walk out of the room and let her anger be her problem.

2. Brainstorm solutions to the struggle. The idea is to never discount your teen’s idea. Write all the suggestions down and then hand the list to your teen first. She will go through them and cross off the ones that she doesn't like. Then you get the paper and the opportunity to cross off the ones you don't like. Usually there will be two or three suggestions left that the two of you can come to an agreement about. This is a wonderful problem-solving method and with enough practice, it can be done without writing anything down.

3. Don’t argue or challenge your teen when she’s angry. Many times moms and dads deal with angry outbursts by challenging their teens and shouting back. But this will just increase your feeling of being out of control. The best thing you can do is remain calm in a crisis. Think of it like this: If you get into a car accident and the other driver jumps out and yells at you, if you can remain calm, he will probably start to calm down and be rational. But if you yell back at him with an aggressive tone and say, “This was your fault mister,” the tension just stays elevated.

4. Don’t make empty threats. Giving harsh consequences – or multiple consequences – in the heat of the moment is a losing proposition. As you may have discovered, when you say to your teen, “O.K. Just for that, now you’re grounded for 2 weeks instead of one” …your teenager asserts, “I don’t care, screw you!” What’s really happening here is this: the mother or father has lost control and is desperately trying to regain control. Harsh consequences that seem never-ending to your teen are not effective, and will only make her angrier in that moment. Plus, most parents (after declaring that the child is grounding for 2 or 3 weeks) usually retract such a hard consequence later just to avoid further parent-child conflict.

5. Don’t try to reason with your teen when she’s in the middle of an “anger attack.” Many moms and dads fall back on logic when their teens are angry. After all, as grown-ups, we reason through things to defuse tense situations. This is always a challenge with teens, because they don’t have the same ability to stop and reason like we do. Thus, when you’re dealing with your angry teenager, you have to avoid using “reason” and use different techniques. Saying, “Why are you angry with me? You were the one who forgot your cell phone at school,” will only make your teen rage even more. She’s already “hurting” over the fact that she doesn’t have her cell phone, and now she perceives that you are rubbing salt in the wound. Instead, wait until she calms down, and then brainstorm some solutions.

6. Don’t wave the white flag. Some moms and dads give up when their teen throws a tantrum. The mother or father is emotionally overwhelmed and becomes paralyzed with indecision or gives in to avoid another bout of anxiety. If you’re this type of parent, you may find that your teen will get mad on purpose just to push your buttons – she will bait you by acting pissed or saying something hateful, because she knows that this will cause you to give in. So your job is to not take the bait (i.e., don’t get angry and don’t give in). Moms and dads sometimes have a tendency to renegotiate with their teen in these situations. They are having a hard time managing their own feelings, and as a result, they don’t know how to coach their teen properly in that moment. But remember, if you renegotiate, even every once in a while, you’re showing your teen that she gets her way in the end.

7. Emotionally detach. Sometimes we create patterns of reactive behavior with our teens. They say or do something we don't like, we react to it, they say or do something else, we react to that, and pretty soon, we are reacting to each other. The parent-child conflict escalates and we begin to try to force our teens to do things they don't want. We aren't solving the problem, and our reactions are hurting our teen and ourselves. The first step in emotional detachment is to understand that reaction and control will not work. The next step is to get peaceful and balanced. Out of that calm state of mind, a solution or an intuitive thought will emerge that will effectively resolve the issue.

8. Give consequences for the behavior, not for the rage. When your teen throws a tantrum, make sure you give her consequences based on her behavior and not on her anger. For example, if she calls you a “bitch” during a rage attack, give her a consequence later for that infraction of the rules. But if all she does is stomp into her room and slam the door, then let that go. Teens get pissed just like adults do. They need to feel that they have a safe place to blow off some steam. As long as they’re not violating any major rules, allow them to have their angry time.

9. Give your teen appropriate ways to be powerful. We all want to feel powerful, and if your teen doesn't have opportunities to do it appropriately, she will create ways to feel powerful that are inappropriate (e.g., power struggles, picking on siblings, etc.). In the middle of a battle with your teen, stop and ask yourself, "How can I give her more power in this particular situation?" It might be as simple as asking her for help in coming up with a solution.

10. Give your teen choices. We all like to feel influential – and our teens are no different. Let them make as many choices as they can that will give them control over what happens to them. For example, "Do you want to do your homework before or after dinner?" or "Do you want to have your friend over for pizza Friday or Saturday evening?"

11. Help your teen become aware of her sensitivities and tolerance level. Help her to see what she does and what she doesn't do when she gets overloaded. Urge her to verbalize her feelings and develop a reflective attitude toward her sensitivities. That way, she eventually learns to prepare herself for challenging situations.

12. Help your teen figure out what she needs. The most important way to help your angry teen is to become aware of her underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities and be as soothing as possible. Underneath the teen’s anger is her inability to let you know directly how much she needs you and how much she depends on you for comfort and security. The only response she knows is to act out (hardly a way to win friends). Therefore, you want to first gain your teen’s trust and confidence and somehow slip under her anger so that you can offer her what she really needs.

13. Let your teens know how valuable they are to you. The more they feel valuable to us, the less likely they are to use anger as a coping strategy. Ask their advice on buying clothes, or how to decorate your home. Have them teach you a video game or a fun activity.

14. Make your instructions fun and enjoyable. Many of us approach disciplining our teens with a serious, no-fun-allowed attitude. But think about how much more you learn when you are enjoying yourself. For example, try singing "no" (e.g., “no, not today”) instead of speaking in your usual admonishing tone of voice, or use a gibberish language to ask your teen to pick up her socks from the living room floor (e.g., “picky up socky’). Some parents think they don't have time to think of unique ways to teach their teens or that they aren't creative enough to come up with ideas. Those are just self-limiting thoughts, and you would be better served throwing them out of your brain. A great skill to have as parents is to think of fun ways to handle difficult situations. You might be able to immediately win a power struggle by forcing your teen to do something, but in the long run, you both lose.

15. Pay attention to your physical reactions. It’s important to watch your physical reactions, because your senses will tell you, “Oh crap, here we go with another knock-down-drag-out battle.” You’ll feel your heart start beating faster and your muscles getting tight. Even though it’s hard to do, the trick is to act against that in some way and try to stay calm. Remember, you’re showing your teen how to handle anger in these moments. By staying calm, you’re not engaging in a power struggle, and paying attention to your own reactions will also help your teen pay attention to herself because she won’t need to worry about you “coming down on her.” When you don’t respond calmly, your teen will work even harder to “win the battle.

16. Stick with the major issues. The average teenager receives approximately 12 minutes a day in actual communication with her mom and/or dad. The parents spend 7 minutes of that time correcting or arguing with their teen. That only leaves about 5 minutes with anything positive going on. So, carefully choose the major issues to work on with your teen, and don't hassle her with a lot of minor complaints. Working on too many issues at once can be overwhelming.

17. Take care of yourself. Have you discovered that when you are tired and overworked that you become irritable and controlling of your teenager? Possibly the most important thing you can do for your teen is to take care of yourself. To be an effective, loving mother or father, you need a lot of energy and encouragement. Make time for yourself whether it is a bubble bath, yoga, or a light jog around the park. Knowing your early warning signs of burnout is also important (e.g., your shoulders getting tight, noticing that you are getting grumpy, a headache starts to come on, etc.). These are signs of not taking enough time for yourself, and if you don't take that time, you will most likely become resentful over the time others demand from you.

18. Teach your teens to say “no” to you in a respectful way. How many of us were allowed to say no growing up? If we weren't allowed to, we did say no in a number of other ways. Like rebelling, or doing a job half-ass. Teach your teens to say respectfully, "No, I'm not willing to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floors and clear the table." This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support.

19. Understand that “bad” behavior is a form of communication. If we hold the belief that misbehaving teens are "bad," then we get drawn into trying to fix the bad teen and make her "good." That type of belief system sets up the power struggle. Instead, understand that your misbehaving teen is trying to communicate something to you, and it is your job to "get" that message. Ask her if her behavior is effective, is she getting the results she wants. In this way, the judgment is taken out of the equation. You might say, "This doesn't look like it is working because it is making you even angrier. What else can you try?" …or show curiosity about her behavior, "Babe, I'm curious, why did you do that?" You will probably get an honest answer and have a better understanding about what is going on with your teen.

20. Use self-calming. This is a technique you or your teen can do instead of reacting negatively to a situation. Take a break to get into a peaceful state of mind, to work through your feelings and find alternative solutions to the problem. It is a way to relax instead of reacting in an angry or hurtful way. Try going to a special space you have created for yourself that is peaceful. Ask yourself the following questions: (1) What is the issue? (2) What is my part in this issue? (3) What is one thing I can do to solve this problem?

21. Use signals. Sometimes when a parent and teen are working on resolving recurring conflict, it is helpful to have a signal that alerts both of them to this pattern of behavior. Use signals that you both have agreed upon and feel comfortable using. Remember the more power and control you give your teen, the more likely she will be to cooperate. Signals that are funny are also a light way of reminding each other about your patterns.

22. Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict. Most of us were not taught the concept of win-win negotiation. We most likely experienced situations that were win-lose or lose-lose. When your teen is angry with you for some reason, the most effective negotiations are when both sides win and are happy with the end results. It can be challenging since you must listen intently to what your teen wants while staying committed to what you want. Ask your teen, "I see how you can win in this situation – and that's great, because I want you to win. How can I win, too?" When teens see that you are just as interested in seeing them win as yourself, they are more than willing to help figure out ways that you both can win.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Violent Siblings: What Parents Can Do

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:44:00 +0000

Sibling violence is the physical, emotional or sexual abuse of one sibling by another. The physical violence can range from more mild forms of aggression between siblings (e.g., pushing and shoving) to very violent behavior (e.g., using weapons).

Often times, moms and dads don’t see the abuse for what it is. As a rule, parents and society expect fights and aggression between brothers and sisters. Because of this, parents often don’t see sibling violence as a problem until serious harm occurs.

Besides the direct dangers of sibling violence, the abuse can cause all kinds of long-term problems on into adulthood. Research shows that violence between siblings is quite common. In fact, it is probably even more common than child abuse (by parents) or spouse abuse. Unfortunately, the most violent members of American families are the kids.

Experts estimate that 3 kids in 100 are dangerously violent toward a brother or sister. A 2005 study puts the number of assaults each year to kids by a sibling at about 35 per 100 children. The same study found the rate to be similar across income levels and racial and ethnic groups. Likewise, many researchers have estimated sibling incest to be much more common than parent-child incest.

It seems that when violent acts occur between siblings, family members often don’t see it as abuse. How do you identify abuse? What is the difference between sibling violence and sibling rivalry?

At times, all siblings squabble and call each other mean names, and some young siblings may "play doctor." But here is the difference between typical sibling behavior and abuse: If one youngster is always the victim and the other youngster is always the aggressor, it is an abusive situation.

Some possible signs of sibling violence are:

A youngster acts out abuse in play
A youngster acts out sexually in inappropriate ways
A youngster has changes in behavior, sleep patterns, eating habits, or has nightmares
One youngster always avoids their sibling
The kid’s roles are rigid: one youngster is always the aggressor, the other, the victim
The roughness or violence between siblings is increasing over time

How can you identify sibling abuse? Here are some useful guidelines:

How does the victim respond? Victims often respond to abuse from a brother or sister by protecting themselves, screaming and crying, separating themselves from the abuser, abusing a younger sibling in turn, telling their moms and dads, internalizing the abusive message, fighting back, or submitting.
How often does it happen and how long does it go on? Acceptable behavior that is long and drawn out may become abusive over time.
Is the behavior age-appropriate? Remember that generally you should confront fighting and jealousy even if you tend to think it is "normal."
Is there a victim in the situation? A victim may not want to participate, but may be unable to stop the activity.
What is the purpose of the behavior? If it tears down another person, it is abusive.

How can I prevent abuse from taking place between my kids?

Create a family atmosphere where everyone feels at ease talking about sexual issues and problems.
Don't give your older kids too much responsibility for your younger children (e.g., use after-school care programs, rather than leaving older kids in charge of younger ones after school).
Keep an eye on your children’ media choices (e.g., TV, video games, and Internet surfing), and either join in and then discuss the media messages or ban the poor choices.
Know when to intervene in your kids' conflicts, to prevent an escalation to abuse.
Learn to mediate conflicts.
Model good conflict-solving skills for your kids.
Model non-violence for your kids.
Set aside time regularly to talk with your kids one-on-one, especially after they've been alone together.
Set ground rules to prevent emotional abuse, and stick to them (e.g., make it clear you will not put up with name-calling, teasing, belittling, intimidating, or provoking).
Teach them to say “no” to unwanted physical contact.
Teach your kids to "own" their own bodies.

What should I do if there's abuse going on between my children?

When one sibling hits, bites, or physically tortures a brother or sister, the normal rivalry has become abuse. You can't let this dangerous behavior continue. Here's what to do:

After a cooling off period, bring all the children involved into a family meeting.
Brainstorm many possible solutions to the problem, and ways to reach the goal.
Continue to watch closely your kids' contacts in the future.
Gather information on facts and feelings.
Help the children work together to set a positive goal (e.g., they will separate themselves and take time to cool off when they start arguing).
Help your children learn how to manage their anger.
Make sure you don't ignore, blame, or punish the victim—while at the same time, not playing favorites.
Make your expectations and the family rules very clear.
State the problem as you understand it.
Talk together about the list of solutions and pick the ones that are best for everyone.
Whenever violence occurs between kids, separate them.
Write up a contract together that states the rights and responsibilities of each youngster. Include a list of expected behavior, and consequences for breaking the code of conduct.

Can sibling relationships have lasting effects into adulthood?

In the last few years, more researchers have looked at the lasting effects of early experiences with sisters and brothers. Siblings can have strong, long-lasting effects on one another's emotional development as adults.

Research indicates that the long-term effects of surviving sibling violence can include:

o Alcohol and drug addiction
o Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem
o Eating disorders
o Inability to trust; relationship difficulties
o Learned helplessness

Even less extreme sibling rivalry during childhood can create insecurity and poor self-image in adulthood. Sibling conflict does not have to be physically violent to take a long-lasting emotional toll. Emotional abuse (e.g., teasing, name-calling, isolation, etc.) can also do long-term damage. The abuser is also at risk—for future violent or abusive relationships (e.g., dating violence and domestic violence).

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Say “No” Without Having An Argument

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:04:00 +0000

According to parenting experts, the average youngster hears the word “no” an astonishing 400 times a week. That's not only tiresome for you, but it can also be harmful to your son or daughter. According to studies, children who hear “no” too often have poorer language skills than kids whose moms and dads offer more positive feedback. Also, saying “no” can become ineffective when it's overused (a little like crying wolf). Some children simply start to ignore the word, while others slip into a rage the minute that dreaded syllable crosses your lips.

So what's a parent to do — let her kids run amok without any limits? Well, no! Parents can break out of the “yes-no tug-of-war” by coming up with new ways to set limits.

Here are 20 positive ways to answer your child in the negative:

1. Adjust your use of the word "no" over time. For example, in the first year of life, the word "no" is usually reserved for warning your youngster of dangers he encounters (e.g., a hot stove). Preschoolers might hear "no" regarding their negative social interactions. Older kids and teens hear "no" in response to their material requests. Temper your use of the word "no" as your youngster's skills and independence grows.

2. Are You a Parent Who Can't Say No? In their zeal to give their kids everything they need, some parents risk giving their kids everything they want. Parents who practice attachment parenting risk becoming totally "yes" parents, with "no" being foreign to their parenting style. It is important for the parent to feel comfortable saying 'no' to the child from the very beginning.

3. Avoid Set-ups. For example, if you're taking your youngster along with you to a toy store to buy a birthday present for his friend, realize that you are setting yourself up for a confrontation. Your youngster is likely to want to buy everything in the store. To avoid the inevitable "No, you can't have that toy," before you go into the store, tell him that you are there to buy a birthday present and not a toy for him so that he is programmed not to expect a toy.

4. Create Alternatives To The N-Word. Constantly saying "no" causes this word to lose its punch. Since stop sounds are used mainly to protect, try using more specific words that fit the situation. Consider this example: When a child is about to reach into the cat litter box, your first reaction is to say "no," but follow it up with an explanation: "Dirty! Make you sick." Next time the youngster goes for the litter box (and he will do it again), instead of "no," say "Dirty! Make you sick." That (and a disgusted expression on your face) will help the youngster learn the “why” as well as the “what” of good behavior, and the litter box will lose its attraction.

5. Distinguish between reasonable requests and unreasonable requests. Seasoned moms and dads often advise new parents to "choose your battles." You and your spouse should decide what requests are reasonable. If your 5-year-old yearns to jump in puddles every day, perhaps he could be indulged now and then if you have time for a quick clean up before dinner.

6. Encourage your children to think about others. The next time your children ask for new clothes, start by asking them to take inventory of what they already have. If they have outgrown a lot of their clothes, use the opportunity to teach them about donating their old clothes to others in need. If your kids want a big birthday party but you don't think they need all those gifts, encourage them to ask guests to bring money to donate to a charitable organization or a book that could be exchanged at the party (so everyone gets a gift). Or you could just write "no gifts" on the invitation and explain to your youngster that some families might not have extra money in their budgets for gifts.

7. Explain why you're saying “no” in terms children can understand. The slave labor excuse might resonate with a 10-year-old, but it won't work on a 4-year-old. You'll just get a blank stare then more pleading. That's why your response has to be age appropriate -- and simple. If you have young kids and want to prevent in-store meltdowns, set limits before you go shopping and tell them what the consequences are for disobeying. "You can pick out one thing" or "We're just getting a few things at the grocery today, so please don't ask for anything."

8. Give Positive Substitutes. Present a positive with your negative: "You can't have the knife, but you can have the ball." Use a convincing expression to market the "can do" in order to soften the "can't do." "You can't go across the street," you say with a matter-of-fact tone of voice; then carefully state, "You can help Mommy sweep the sidewalk." There is a bit of creative marketing in every parent.

9. Master "The Look". You can often correct a youngster without saying a word. Master disciplinarians use a look of disapproval that stops the behavior, but preserves the youngster's self-image. Your youngster should understand that you disapprove of the behavior, not him or her. To be certain you strike the right note in disapproval discipline, follow the look with a hug, a smile, or a forthright explanation, "I don't like what you did, but I like you."

10. Personalize "No". Rather than giving a dictatorial "no," add your youngster's name (e.g., “no Michael”). If you tend to shout, a personalized address at least softens the sound and respects the listener. Some moms and dads confuse respecting the youngster with granting him equal power, but this is not a power issue. The person with the power should respect the person taken charge of. That consideration holds true in parenting; it holds true in other relationships as well.

11. Prepare yourself to be on the receiving end of "no." Saying "no" is important for a youngster's development, and for establishing his identity as an individual. This is not defiance or a rejection of your authority. Some moms and dads feel they cannot tolerate any "no's" at all from their kids, thinking that to permit this would undermine their authority. They wind up curtailing an important process of self-emergence. Kids have to experiment with where their parent leaves off and where they begin. Moms and dads can learn to respect individual wishes and still stay in charge and maintain limits.

12. Reinforce your values by saying "no" with a calm demeanor. If you become shrill (and what parent doesn't at one time or another?) you risk alienating your youngster, as she rolls her eyes and discounts your reasoning. Saying "no" one time, firmly and with conviction will become increasingly effective over time.

13. Remember to listen to your youngster and validate his feelings. Although we as moms and dads are not obligated to explain every refusal to our kids, sometimes we need to open up the lines of communication by hearing the youngster's side of the argument, even when we know the answer will still be "No!"

14. Rephrase your youngster's question into a sentence. If he says, "Do I have to go to bed?" You can say, "I know you don't want to go to bed, but it is bedtime and we have to wake up early." Again, acknowledge their request, because all children want is to be heard.

15. Say, "Yes, but you'll have to use your money." Children don't have a problem spending your money. But if they have to pony up their own cash, they might back off with their requests. Plus, making children pay -- or at least chip in -- for things they want teaches them a good lesson about making choices.

16. State the facts simply. So if your youngster asks you to stay longer at his friend's house, instead of saying “no,” try saying, “We have to go now. But next time, we can stay longer.”

17. Substitute a choice if you feel that all you ever say to your youngster is "no." If your son asks to watch a movie you have decided is too mature, instead of saying, "No!" you could respond, "We can watch a movie, and the movies you can choose from are X, Y and Z."

18. Teach Stop Sounds. Often a change in your mood or body language is not enough to redirect impulsive actions. Words are needed. Kids soon learn which discipline words carry more power and demand a quicker response than others. And kids soon learn which tone of voice means business and which allows for some latitude. Arm yourself with a variety of "stop-what-you're-doing" sounds so that you can choose one that fits the occasion. Tailor the intensity of the sound to the gravity of the behavior. Save the really big sounds for true danger.

19. Use the word "no" consistently for maximum impact. If your teenage daughter knows you will cave in and extend her curfew after 20 minutes of begging, she has learned that "no" does not really mean "no." Consistency is important across all age levels. When You Say It, Mean It. Follow through on your directives.

20. What If Your Youngster Won't Accept No? Kids, especially those with a strong will, try to wear moms and dads down. They are convinced they must have something or their world can't go on. They pester and badger until you say "yes" just to stop the wear and tear on your nerves. This is faulty discipline. If however, your youngster's request seems reasonable after careful listening, be willing to negotiate. Sometimes you may find it wise to change your mind after saying "no". While you want your youngster to believe your "no" means no, you also want your youngster to feel you are approachable and flexible. It helps to hold your "no" until you've heard your youngster out. If you sense your youngster is uncharacteristically crushed or angry at your "no," listen to her side. Maybe she has a point you hadn't considered or her request is a bigger deal to her than you imagined. Be open to reversing your decision, if warranted. Make sure, though, that she realizes it was not her "wear down" tactics that got the reversal of your decision.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Calling The Police On Abusive Teens

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 20:12:00 +0000

Question

My 17-year-old teenager is bigger and stronger than I am. He has threatened me physically on numerous occasions. I’m afraid to say or do anything wrong for fear of setting him off. What should I do?

Answer

There are times when your authority as a mother or father isn’t enough. If your teen has escalated to the point of physical abuse and destruction of property, or if he is engaging in dangerous behavior outside of the home, then calling the cops is definitely an option worth considering. You shouldn’t have to live in fear of your youngster, but you should be worried about how he will manage as an adult if he’s allowed to be “out of control” now.

Do school officials allow your teen to assault teachers or other students, punch holes in the wall, speak in a verbally abusive way to others, etc.? Of course not! In fact, the schools usually call the cops if a teenager assaults someone, uses drugs or is destructive. School officials take action because they understand something that moms and dads often lose sight of: if you don’t hold an abusive child accountable now – he will graduate to worse things in the future.

What Parents Should Do When Their Teen Becomes Violent

If your adolescent starts to threaten you, to break things or to do anything physically violent, accept that you can’t stop him at this point. It can be dangerous to try to stop an adolescent when he is violent. The most important thing is to keep yourself and your other kids safe.

Don’t talk to your adolescent again until he is calm and respectful. Separate if needed.
If there are guns in your home, remove them until you feel safe around your adolescent at all times.
If there has not been an arrest, you may want to consider getting an At-Risk-Youth Petition through which your adolescent can be mandated to counseling.
If you stay in your home, try to stay in an area with access to an exit. Stay away from the kitchen or other areas where potential weapons might be available.
If your adolescent is physically violent, or you think he might become violent, call 911. Police response gives your youngster the message that his behavior is serious and it is a crime. It may also result in court intervention which can be a support for your family and mandate counseling for your adolescent. Calling the police is a difficult decision, however many mothers and fathers say that it was not until after the police were called that their child stopped using violence.
Immediately separate yourself and your younger kids from your violent adolescent. Go to another room or if necessary, leave the house.
Take precautions in your home by figuring out ahead of time what is the safest and fastest way out of the house.
Try to remain as calm as possible. Do not continue the argument or discussion.

What to say to your teen:

It is important to let your adolescent know that anytime he starts to use abusive or violent behavior that you will immediately separate from him, and that you will not talk or engage again until he is calm and respectful.
Let your adolescent know you will call 911 if there is any physical violence and be prepared to follow through.
Remember that most violence begins with abusive language, so separating at the start of abuse can prevent the escalation to violence.
The moment your adolescent starts any of these behaviors, say you are separating and immediately leave the room. If the behavior escalates, continue to ignore it and leave the house if necessary. Call the police if (a) it becomes physical, (b) you think it is heading that way, or (c) you feel afraid for yourself or others. Follow this plan of action every time your adolescent uses abuse or violence.
Be specific with your adolescent about what abusive behavior is that will prompt you to separate. We define abuse as any of the following behaviors:

Any physical violence or aggression with people, property or pets
Name calling or hurtful words
Swearing at people
Threatening behavior
Yelling or screaming at people

Give the following messages to your teen when there has been violence:

911 will be called if you are violent, or if I feel afraid for the safety of our family.
Violence is dangerous and it is against the law.
We will talk about consequences for your behavior after you calm down (this should include getting professional help).
When you are violent or abusive I will separate from you.
Your behavior was not safe. Our home needs to be a safe place.

Calling 911 sends an important message to the adolescent that violence is not acceptable and that it is a crime. If the adolescent is arrested or a police report is filed (sometimes the adolescent is not arrested and taken to detention, but a police report is filed) he will probably be required to attend counseling, which can be helpful. The court’s response can be the most effective consequence for an adolescent who is violent. Parents receive support from the court in enforcing the rule of nonviolence in the home.

You can call the police if your adolescent is physically violent (e.g., pushing, shoving, grabbing, kicking, hitting or any physical contact that is hurtful), violent with property (e.g., throwing things, hitting, punching, kicking doors, walls, cars, or destroying property of any kind), threatening to hurt or kill a person or pets, or interfering with a call to the police.

Anytime you are afraid your adolescent is going to become violent, you can call the police. If your adolescent has not become violent when the police arrive, let them know you were afraid and tell them of any past violence. Some parents say they feel embarrassed or “silly” calling the police when their adolescent hasn’t really been violent but they were scared it was heading that way. It is important, and you have a right, to call the police anytime you fear for the safety of yourself or other family members.

Calling the police to discipline a teenager is not only a call for help by a mother or father, it is an admission that the situation has gone beyond the point where the parents are able to manage the behavior of the abusive teenager.

Each call to a police department is treated as an emergency. When a parent contacts the police to discipline an abusive teenager, many departments will dispatch a social services unit or community services officer with the patrol or "sworn" officer (i.e., the one who carries a weapon and can arrest people). Many departments, however, do not have the resources to maintain such units.

The first person through your door will be an armed officer whose first responsibility is to ensure public safety and enforce the law. Officers never decide who's right and who's wrong at the time of the incident. If your teenager has broken a law, he may be taken into custody. The officer may try to calm you both down, summon a social service officer, or inform you that police are not authorized to act in situations where no law has been broken and that you will need to discipline your teenager yourself.

The officer who answers your call may only enforce discipline in two situations: the commission of a status or criminal offense. Although teens can be held responsible for breaking laws, the law does not treat them the same way as grown-ups. They are often diverted to special "juvenile courts" or "alternative dispositions," such as community service.

Truancy, underage drinking, tobacco and curfew violations are examples of offenses based on a teenager's status as a juvenile; they may result in the issuance of a citation or, in extreme situations, removal of the teenager from the home for evaluation. Citations are often dealt with in a municipal or town court.

If your teenager has broken a criminal law, it is the duty of the officer to arrest him and deliver him to the judicial system. Many juvenile courts have social service departments that handle youthful offenders and some have "diversionary" or restorative programs that deal with first offenders.

Sometimes police make an arrest even though the parent requests they don’t arrest their teenager. The decision to arrest is the officer’s decision, not the parent’s. However, if you want your child to be arrested, explain his behavior to the officer and let them know if there have been previous violent incidents. Inform the officer if you do not feel safe with your child is at home.

Most moms and dads have mixed feelings when their teenager is arrested (e.g., feeling guilty, shocked, tearful, and like they are a bad parent). But they often report that their child’s abusive behavior decreased after the arrest. Most parents say that calling the police was one of the hardest, but most beneficial decisions they have ever made for their teen. They are finally getting help and there is no longer violence in the home.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Understanding Your Defiant Teen’s Resentment and Aggression

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Hutten) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 15:56:00 +0000

Teenage anger takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of teen anger -- the behavior -- that we as parents see. Some teenagers may repress their anger and withdraw while others may be more defiant and destroy property. In this post, we will look at what happens when “normal” teenage anger turns into resentment and aggression.

Why such resentment and aggression in my child?

1. It’s important to make a distinction between resentment and aggression. When you’re resentful, you feel as if you’ve been wronged; you want to get back at someone. Aggression is about striking back, but resentment is more a sense of defensiveness and waiting for an attack. In other words, resentment is the attitude, and aggression is the action. So the attitude is, “I hate that you try to control me.” Aggression is the behavior you get.

2. Moms and dads may feel some “hatred” coming from their defiant teen, and they often overreact to that by doing something that makes them feel powerful (e.g., yelling, screaming, threatening, etc.). But these responses don’t solve the problem or motivate your youngster to take responsibility for her own aggression.

3. Once your teen is in an agitated state, she’s thinking that you’re the enemy, that you don’t understand, and she’s blaming you and other authority figures. She sees herself as a “victim.”

4. Part of the function of aggression is to build a wall. It’s like a brick mason: aggression is meant to stop you from getting too close.

5. Another reason for a resentful attitude is that parents are comparing their teenager to other teens – or to themselves when they were teenagers. This often happens when the teenager has gotten in trouble or has started to get bad grades. Moms and dads need to remove statements such as “you should be more like…” -or- “when I was a teen…” -or- “you used to be so…” out of their conversations with their teenager. This allows the teen to start at the present and improve from there rather than constantly “living down” the past.

6. Some teens want to appear “out of control” whether they are or not. So remember, aggressive teens get more control by looking like they’re losing control. And that’s the agenda – to gain control.

7. Defiant teens are very ambivalent about their moms and dads during their teen years. They love you when you’re nice to them, but they hate you when you tell them what to do. This is because they still “need” you – but at the same time – they wish they didn’t.

8. Teens that are chronically “pissed-off” are like this because they have developed a way of thinking that makes them the “injured party” all the time. These “thinking errors” tell them that things are never fair, that their moms and dads are unreasonable, and that their educators are “retarded.” They think that nobody understands them but their peers. After teens have used these “distortions in thinking” for awhile, they get into even more trouble and develop an increasing sense of hyper-vigilance.

9. Another reason for unreasonable resentment on your teen’s part is depression. Resentment is one of the symptoms of depression and can be a warning sign that something else is happening in your adolescent’s life outside the normal realm of teenage defiance. Questions to ask are:

Are they acting confused?
Are they eating more or less than usual?
Are they feeling guilty about something?
Are they having difficulty concentrating?
Are they more angry or irritable?
Are they seeing or hearing things that others don’t?
Are they sleeping more or less than they have in the past?
Do they have a lack of patience with others or with themselves?
Do they seem to have lost their energy?
Have they been crying a lot?
Has there been a significant weight gain or loss?
Have they lost interest in their usual activities?
Is their self-esteem lower?
Is there an increased interest in sexual desires to the point where they are “acting it out”?

Teenagers often respond to stressors of new situations by getting depressed (e.g., attending a new school, breakup of friendships, divorce or other parental problems, recent move to a new neighborhood or city). Look back a few months and note the changes in your son’s/daughter’s life.

10. Here’s a big one: Low Self-Esteem. Resentful, aggressive teens have a very small sense of self-worth.

What resentful teens often say:

"When my parents make me feel bad, it reminds me of all the other times that people make me feel bad. I already don’t like myself, and criticism just makes it worse."
"I get resentful at my parents because they argue with each other. I don’t respect them."
"I get resentful because I love my parents and they act like they hate each other. How am I supposed to respect them when they act like that?"
"I get resentful when I have a lot of things on my mind that I can’t do anything about and then my parents ask me to do something when I’m already tired and over loaded."
"I get resentful when my parents are unfair and there’s no point in talking to them."
"I get resentful when my parents ask me how my day went. I’m trying to forget it and they make me remember it. I wouldn’t care if they didn’t make everything worse."
"I get resentful when my parents make me feel guilty for something that already happened. I get tired."
"I get resentful when there are other priorities, no time for me and I feel like I don’t matter."
"I treat my parents the same way they treat me."
"I’d rather be resentful at my parents than feel afraid or feel hurt. I’d probably hurt myself if I wasn’t resentful at them. That’s no excuse but that’s how I feel."
"My parents are stupid. They don’t understand. They just say they do, but they don’t. I can’t stand to be around them."

So what can parents do to reduce resentment and aggression in their teenagers?

1. Do not allow rude and disrespectful behavior. If you "over-react" (rather than respond) to their putdowns and backtalk, you're allowing it! Learn to walk away and say something like: "If you continue to talk to me that way, the consequence will be __________” (insert serious consequence). Is he/she continues to “trash you” over the course of the next few minutes (less than 5), then follow through with the consequence.

2. Do not let yourself be swayed by the "but everyone else is doing it" line. You know what is best for your teenager and the hostility they feel towards you for putting your foot down will soon pass – and they even thank you later.

3. Don’t try to talk your youngster out of her resentment, and don’t try to reason with her. Reasoning just gives your youngster a feeling of false power (i.e., more of a sense that she’s in control and you’re not).

4. If there are clothes or electronic items they want that exceed your budget, make them pay a portion of the cost. They will appreciate what they have much more and will less likely grow up with a sense of entitlement.

5. If you tend to do things for your defiant teen in order to get her to love you, she might love you – she might not! But if you do things and carry yourself in such a way that she respects you, then she will “want” to love you. Teens tend to “want” to love the parents they respect.

6. Make sure you set clear and consistent boundaries. Teens do well when the guidelines are clear. Even if they argue with your rules, stick to them anyway. Part of the role of adolescence is to oppose their moms and dads.

7. Make yourself emotionally and physically available despite your teenager wanting distance from you. They're on the fence. Part of them is leaving the nest and the other part of them needs the safety and security of home.

8. Remember, you’re not looking for friendship, love and affection. Rather, you’re looking to gain their respect.

9. Respect their personal space. It is not your right as a mother or father to randomly snoop through your teenager's room. They do not become more trustworthy by hearing, “I don't trust you anymore.” If you have no reason to snoop – don't do it.

10. Show an interest in the things that interest them. Grab any chance you get, just to chat (e.g., in the car when you're chauffeuring them places). They still need to know their life is important to us.

11. The more you ask, “Why the attitude?” …the more your youngster will simply state (or scream) her case. Thus, never question “the attitude.”

12. Get professional help if things do not improve!

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents