only here, only now

red::a five-minute friday post

2013-09-06T06:37:00.002-04:00

i wore a coca-cola sweatshirt
and a bright and shiny dress.

i wore a sweetheart-collared t-shirt
and a cozy, comfy fleece.

all in bright, cherry red
cool, not warm, on the color wheel
and they all made me feel
like a million bucks.

some people steer away from red
but me
drawn
like a bug to a light in the night.

and here i sit
past the hours of the red-eye
waiting

for another
who makes me feel like a million bucks
a friend
a sister.

flying into the morning sky
with her back to the glowing
red sky
ah, yes.

today.
loving.
red.

today's prompt: RED
the rules: write for five minutes, unedited. then share your work and read & comment
on what others have written.
hope you all have a great weekend!

small::a five-minute friday post

2013-08-16T06:48:00.000-04:00

this summer has been a much-needed unplugging.
just a time to be.
a time to slow down and savor.
enjoy.

in fact, i've been away from most of this online space for so long that i had to pause for a second in order to remember my log-in information.

and it has felt glorious.

no pressures to perform or compete or keep up with any kind of schedule. (albeit all self-imposed)
no feeling of stress to squeeze out words when none could be found.

just me.
and my family.
in what most would deem a small little world.

and i've done a lot of talking and listening and laughing and reflecting.
and just looking into the eyes and hearts of those whom God has placed into my life.
and i'm amazed how very much i truly like them.

you may laugh but not every parent of a 12 and 13 and 14 and 16 year-old could say the same.

and i'm reveling.

in the moments
that lead up to hours
and days and months and years.

that once seemed to drag on so small and slow.

oh, i see how this is going.
that He redeems every last one of them
and i'm definitely getting the better end of the deal.

sure, He asks that i give it my all.

but for every small bit of effort
i put into this piece of work called life
He puts His touch back into it one hundred fold
and transforms the canvas into an amazing piece of artwork.

ahhhh.
blessed. i. am.

what is five-minute friday?

write for five minutes, no editing or tweaking, on the given prompt. easy peasy.

this week's prompt? SMALL.

click on the button above if you want to see what others have written today.

hope you have a great weekend planned! how beautiful is this weather???

who knew we could have this kind of a summer?

belong::a five-minute friday post {happy 12th birthday}

2013-07-19T06:19:00.002-04:00

i remember my first glimpse of you on the VHS tape.
all blonde hair and hazel eyes so serious.
and i knew right then that you belonged to us,
that my heart was yours.

and here you are today
your birthday, almost ten years past that day
your hair darkened
with eyes that dance.

and i wonder if you yet know
beyond a shadow of a doubt
who you are
and where you belong.

and this mama's heart longs for you
to feel it, to know it, to completely understand
that this belonging, while maybe unique to those
who have experienced adoption. . .

is also very much a human thing.

you will walk through moments and
days and quite possibly seasons of your
life where you will wonder just
exactly whose you are and where you belong,

but know this, sweet son, know this:

you were born with a purpose
marked with a promise
and nothing that has happened or will happen in your life has evaded the eye of God.
He holds you in His loving hands and delights in you,
the wonderful uniqueness of YOU,
and no matter where you find yourself
no matter under what roof you find yourself dwelling
or in what country you currently reside. . .

He is always home, and in Him you always belong.

click on the button above to find the details and see what others have

written! hope you're having a beautiful friday! it's hot & humid here.

and we're celebrating a birthday :-)

have a great weekend!

song::a five-minute friday post

2013-05-17T06:11:00.002-04:00

words are my love language, and i eat them up whenever they are served me.
one of my greatest pleasures growing up was writing notes to my mother, for the serving of words gave me equal pleasure as receiving
even from an early age.

and no one told me, warned me, prepared me
for what it would feel like
as my own children
young ladies
would begin to serve up their own words to me.

and this mother's day they wrote
words filled with love
and praise.

and i read
and cherished
treasured every last stroke of the pen. . .

the lyrics of their heart
written note by note
just for me, a woman
their mom,

and, oh, how the song plays on and on.

what is this? five-minute friday, where i write unedited for five minutes.

this week's topic: SONG.

click on the above button to see what others have written about it.

have a fabulous weekend!

Book Club Finale

2013-05-09T05:47:00.000-04:00

Today marks the end of our book club! Hope you've enjoyed your reading of Cleaning House and have some new insights and tools to carry forth with you on your parenting journey. And if you're still reading. . . well, you have some summer projects to work on :-)

We didn't do any of the actual projects here at my house. My brain just doesn't work that way, and I needed way more than a week to dive into these ideas. Procrastination? Nah. Processing. Slow, slow processing.

The journey of reading, however, was full of small epiphanies and insights into not only my kids' behaviors but my very own. I think it all really hit home the day I went to pay the credit card bill and realized that I was 25 minutes past the deadline. And if there's anything I hate, it is unnecessary fees. Late fees rank right up there at the top of the list. It is amazing the amount of shame and guilt I can feel over this one little blip on my perfectionistic radar. I immediately began to rationalize why the company should extend grace, because we all know this about credit card companies, right? They are simply waiting for such circumstances, especially for people who always pay their bills every month and henceforth never have interest fees to benefit the company. I had my list of how long I've been a customer and the fact that I've been LOYAL to them. Surely, they knew all of that. Yes, you heard me correctly--I was entitled to mercy. Never mind the fact that this bill is due on the same day of every month, and that I had written in my calendar to pay it three days prior to those 25 minutes past the deadline. . .

I share all of this simply to say: this whole entitlement thing is worthy of our attention, for it is not just a kid issue. It is a human issue, and we will continue to deal with it our whole life long. So why not help our kiddos out now, while they still have some room to err, still think "experiments" hold some element of adventure, and still have hearts that are a bit more changeable than they will be, say, twenty years from now? I learned we're doing well in some areas, and in others we still have some major work to do. This book was fantastic in helping me evaluate some areas I don't think I would have thought about in equipping my kids before they leave home.

I'm guessing we've all dealt with our share of the current entitled generation, and probably not that long ago. But there is more available for our kids. More to be gained and more to be enjoyed. Let's be willing to sacrifice their momentary pleasure over the hard work of toilet cleaning. . .with a look toward how that will reap a future work ethic (hopefully) that will continue to serve them well over a lifetime.

And, in case you're wondering, turns out the credit card company saw it my way this time. I knew I meant something to them :-)

What were your favorite parts of this book? What changes have you made as a result of reading it?

brave::a five-minute friday post

2013-05-03T07:05:00.001-04:00

*for my brave law enforcement hubby. . . and those of his ilk.

some people's bravery gets splashed across headlines for the world to see.

or written down in history books for kids to study across the ages.

others, like you, walk it out day after quiet day.

one foot in front of the other, your bravery comes in a series of choices,

choices that not everyone around you is making.

perhaps it sneaks up on even you

for i know that to call it out

is to make you uncomfortable

shy, perhaps.

but i see it

as you carry yourself

with honesty

integrity

concern

and a deep desire for a job well done.

your bravery speaks volumes

even in its very quietest whispers.

thank you.

for every day that you bravely go out and beat the odds

for every time you make a decision for good against evil

for every time you take the high road versus the easy road

for your commitment each and every day to show up and be there. . .

i love your brave soul.

wahoo, it's friday!

hope your weekend is full of fun!

this week's five-minute prompt: BRAVE.

lots of directions to go with that one.

as always, click on the above button to see what others have done with the prompt.

have a great weekend!

jump::a five-minute friday post

2013-04-19T06:20:00.002-04:00

it snuck up on me before i realized it.
next thing i knew, she was saying it was time for his end-of-the year conference--but in this case it was final
he was finishing his "career" with the speech pathologist.

in other words, he was being kicked out :-)

after eight years with this particular kiddo, we were finally saying "good-bye" to the school walls. . .
never to return
finished
completed.

and it's a bit scary to contemplate
for therapists have always been a part of his life
a part of our life together

but lately it has started to feel like they're dropping like flies
one by one
stepping away
leaving us on our own.

and quite frankly,
i'm not sure how i feel about that
equal parts relieved
and just a wee bit nervous
call me, maybe,
scared.

it's that feeling i had
once
when i was told to climb
up the stairs to the high dive
look down into the clear water below
and mustering up all the courage i had inside of me
yeah, you know what came next. . .

jump.

wahoo, it's friday!!!

this week's prompt: JUMP. because you know you want to, right?

hope you've got a fun weekend ahead.
as always, click on the button up there to see how others are jumping :-)

enjoy!!!

Cleaning House::Book Club Week 1

2013-04-18T05:41:00.000-04:00

So today is the first installment of our super-fun book club. Complete with lots of laughs and plenty to think about along the way. If you're just now joining us, we're reading Cleaning House by Kay Wills Wyma.

I helped pick this book because I thought it was going to be easy.

I'm 'fessing up now just to get that out of the way.
And I could end this post right now without saying another word and let you ponder that thought.
Because in a way it sums up the entire book.

Ease.
Comfort.
No effort.

Or so I thought. You see, I thought I was going to pick it up, nod my head in the affirmative, and along with my hand-picked friends on this side of the screen, give all of you on the other side the benefit of my years of doing something--for once--right.

After all, as a homeschooling mom, I've been spending my days--yes, all 24/7 of them--with my kiddos for over 15 years now. Yeah. Go ahead. You let those bad boy statistics settle in a bit. I had a right to be feeling a bit smug in my knowledge.

I think all it took was getting to page 5 where Kay said this: "We impart the message that achievement is paramount. Then we do everything in our power to ensure their success--by sticking ourselves smack dab in the middle" to feel like my footing was starting to slip. Hmmm. I remember that middle recently. It had to do with a tween boy, his last pair of underwear, and laundry day. When it wasn't supposed to be laundry day. Yep, I threw that life preserver right out to him. Complete with the laundry soap.

Do you see where all this is headed, because I sure did. And pretty quickly, I might add. Not only do I see all the little ways that I am not helping my kids. . . I see all the ways I am actually hindering them.

Keeping them from realizing their full potential.
Keeping them from feeling like they can DO things.
Keeping them from experiencing accomplishment.
All which, in reality, keep them from seeing what a hope and a future looks like.
And this, in a house where the younger members actually do quite a lot!

Yikes!
So what are we actually working on around here???
I have three girls and a boy.
With my girls--we'll be working on their room. The room in which the floor can rarely be seen. I know--we have issues. And yes, I'm going to use the monetary reward, but we'll be tweaking it as I can't really afford to be out $90 at the end of the month. If I'm honest, though, I can't imagine I'll be out the $90, so maybe I WILL offer it. We'll see.
With my son who has already established the habit of keeping up with his room, we're moving on to the area of some other habits. Mainly, keeping certain things "straight" in his daily habits. This includes keeping track of some daily necessities that are on a list already but don't tend to be maintained. I won't elaborate further.

We'll also be venturing into the area of the kitchen, although I already have one child (remaining nameless) who tends to "run" the kitchen. My goal for the coming month--have her actually teach the other children some of her ~~nazi~~ savvy kitchen skills. I'm already noticing some enabling skills in her. In other words, she loves to "do her thing" and then moan and groan about the fact that nobody else helps out in the kitchen. Sigh. Apparently we are early-learning enablers around here.

Hope you'll share what you're learning as you're reading!!!
And make sure to read the posts from others this week.

Click here to read Spring's post.

Karrie's post is here.

And make sure to head over to Amy's place.

here--a five-minute friday post

2013-04-12T06:49:00.001-04:00

here i am--in a nutshell. if i could be summed up in a number of words, that is.

if i could be narrowed down, squeezed into place, isolated, and put into a framework of a silhouette. . .

i kind of like it.

but then i don't.

here i am--on days when i am agreeable, likable with the person i see staring back at myself.

or in this case the head i stare at as i'm typing,

and wondering if it's quite that easy to define a person...

and does it help me understand myself better

or do i then find

myself living up to these preconceived notions
pre-thought ideas of how i should be
here
today
before the day has even begun?

will i live this way because i think i should
or because i already am?

here
now
in the moment.

i find it both quite liberating
this understanding of who i am
and at the same time only a tad bit hindering
seeing myself
summed up in that raspberry head

staring at it here
in this moment
with a day of possibilities lying ahead of me.

*just having a bit of fun with the MBTI on this five-minute friday!!!

it's their 70th anniversary & they're having a party if you want to hop on over

and find your own brain image to show off :-)

this week's five-minute friday prompt was HERE. as always,

click on the button below to find out what others have written this week.

have a fantastic weekend!!!

after. . .a five-minute friday {and ever after} post

2013-04-05T07:18:00.000-04:00

this week's five-minute friday prompt: AFTER

trigger warning: infant death

when i first changed to nursing in the labor & delivery room,

i never imagined how often we would experience this side of the life spectrum.

it has been a beautiful, while very difficult, role to learn. and each

time leaves me affected in new ways. new prints across my heart.

i put on my most professional face
my training in place
as i move through the motions of helping you through what you should never, by all rights, be expected to experience.
that which contains horrors unwanted in this earthly realm and unnatural by every definition of the word.

and though i allow myself the luxury of a pained expression and maybe--even--the welling of tears
i cannot completely let go
for to do so is to let you down in the moment that you need the most of what i have to offer
the depth of my compassion that must not be fully let loose in the moment
to my own rawness of feelings
and truth be told
i have them covertly put aside, anyway.

it is after

after the day is done
after the fact of your loss
after i have returned to the normalcy of my own life as i know it. . .
that the depth of your loss sinks in and i allow myself to feel.

and it is this after-feeling that shakes my very body & soul.

i grieve for you, dear one.

and my heart aches with your bleeding
of body and spirit
of the wrongness of life taken and my witness to it.

and i cling in the aftershock.

with each tear i lift your name before the One who holds you close, offers you comfort. . .
knowing that this day will forever be in your memory and
though my own pain and grief will fade
yours will be held close for years to come.

in five minutes
five days
five years
or a lifetime. . .

i could never give words to the privilege of being by your side
bearing you up
easing your pain
even for the heartache of all my afters.

thank you.

Join the Club & Clean House.

2013-04-01T06:44:00.001-04:00

Call me crazy. . . maybe???

As if the last time just wasn't enough.

We obviously had too much fun.

And because of that, we're jumping in again for another online read together. But this time? I thought it would be more simple. A bit easier on the psyche. No more head games. No more bruised ego.

But I've read a bit, gotten a head start. . .

And once again, I am left wondering. What, exactly, am I in for?

THE BOOK, you ask?

Oh, yeah. Don't let the "Cleaning House" part of that title fool you.

This isn't just about sweeping your way to a cleaner house. Or creating the perfect chore chart.

It's all about youth entitlement. And . . . it might even step on a few of your own toes along the way.

Because you know what every entitled youth needs to do his/her job adequately?

Yep. That's right. An enabler. And if you haven't guessed it yet--that's most likely you.

We're jumping in feet first, hoping to shake things up a bit, and crawl back out with a new perspective on this attitude that seems to be running rampant among youth culture today. Yes. Even among our sweet, precious children who we never thought we'd hear utter words such as, "Work? You mean I have to work to make money?"

Oh, wait. Maybe it was me that said that. Just yesterday, in fact.

So here's the scoop:

We'll start this thing April 18 with postings every Thursday. For about three weeks. She's convinced we can do it in that time. . . I'm not so sure. But then again, maybe that's my underestimating enabler coming out again.
{Edited here to add: one month. She has now given me a month. I love the power of influence. Smile.}

What you can do: (yes, sharing her list to avoid more work for myself!!!)

Write one post correlating with one chapter of Kay’s book.
Click around every Thursday and read posts by other club members.
Attempt a mini-version of one of Kay's experiments.
Leave comments or reply to discussions already going on.
Read and reflect on your own time and jump in when you feel the urge.
Post pictures of the tasks you are teaching your kids to complete on their own. Insert chanting: Toilets, toilets, toilets!
Read the book with us and have your kids take over all household duties. Forever and ever, amen.

BONUS--Kay Wyma, the author, has agreed to participate in some manner, yet to be decided on. This may or may not depend on whether I can bring myself to figure out the use of Google chat and ~~get my hair done right~~ get over myself in order to enjoy this fantastic opportunity that my friend seems to think is a good idea.

Are you in? Of course you're in, because this is the most fun you can imagine as you're finishing up your school year. Oh, yeah. I promise you we'll be done in time to enjoy summer.

With entitlement-free kids. (Guarantees not promised by club hosts)

Let us know if you're joining by e-mailing me at hopeunbroken@hotmail.com or leave a comment with your e-mail below and we'll add you to the list.
Then order the book.
And get reading.

Come on, now. You know you want to.

thank you, SDG!

2013-03-26T06:58:00.001-04:00

i sit here drinking my too-strong coffee in the early morning. it's the way of things, for i can't seem to get the measurements quite right. i either end up with too much or not enough. it's a pursuit i'll continue, though.

and this time--it's MY time. i have friends who call me crazy, who love their sleep, and who constantly wonder what it is, exactly, that pulls me from the warm and cozy sheets each morning.

i can't explain it, exactly, except that i've always been this way to some extent. and even more so with the years passing and quiet all the more difficult to come by. i am "on" 24/7. and while the voice of God is always near, all the while swirling through my head, whispering close by. . . it is these early morning hours that i am able to revel. to breathe deeply. to sit in the calm and feel held.

i began blogging a little over two years ago. at first it was simply a place to work out pent up emotion and grief. a place to put poetry to words. an outlet.

but then i discovered these little communities around and about. and i began the linking up. the reading. the absorbing of words as well as the writing.

and while i would never fool myself into thinking that the world that lies on the other side of the screen each week, the one represented by tiny square faces and icons, should be my full daily sustenance. . . neither will i deny that it is an important part of my weekly fellowship and breaking bread with believers.

i have found sweet sustenance at times when others around me are simply not accessible.
i have found understanding for situations that i had no support nearby.
what this community has provided is a way to bring the Christ-body at large. . . into my lap in the moments that i have needed it so very desperately.

you are a wealth of resources.
you are a wellspring of encouragement.
you are the iron that sharpens iron. . . even when that stings just a bit in the process.

so a "thank you" to all the sisters who find their way around this space, meandering among the souls that bare and weep and cling, finding words to encourage and uphold each other as we fight this good--but often wearying--fight.

i have found our relationship to be such a sweet one. thank you for the ways that you change me.

i remember you--a five-minute friday post

2013-03-22T05:17:00.001-04:00

i remember You
oh, yes i do.
on these days filled with thin places of wondering if the ice will hold with the weight of my concerns.
to You i turn, my Refuge. my Rock. my safe place and shelter from the storm.

oh, yes, i remember You.

how you met me in a lonely apartment room
and showed Your face
reassured me of Your love
how it knows no bounds, exceeds all measure, and covers all sin
completely.

oh, yes, i remember You.

how You met me in dark places of the soul
places of discouragement and loneliness
gave me a friend to remind me of Whose i am, where i belong, and what my purpose is in this journey called life.

oh, yes, i remember You.

how You reached down at a church camp
revived my soul and set a fire aflame
called me out and said, "You are different" and wouldn't let my spirit rest
ever
for a day after.

oh, yes, i remember You.

how we met in a roomful of children
vacation Bible school, they called it
and how You wooed me into Your kingdom for life eternal, giving me hope for a future
love everlasting
a place in this world that would trump anything i could imagine.

oh, yes, i remember You.

and of course You answer the question
before it's even asked
for days gone by, for days here and now, for days yet to come
You whisper it, You declare it, and sometimes i even think you roar it. . .

I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU. . .

wahoo, it's friday!

lisa-jo's prompt this week is REMEMBER.

and i couldn't be happier, as i was thinking on this word earlier

in the week. what a great word to contemplate.

as always, if you care to read what others have written on it, simply click

on the above button.

have a great weekend!

my home is an RV--a five-minute friday post

2013-03-08T07:18:00.000-05:00

if home is where your heart is,
then my home is like an rv.

it moves
it shakes
and sometimes
it might even rattle a bit.

but oh, how it takes me places.

places far
places wide
sometimes close and near
that never leaves the confines of these walls officially called "home."

but it's always moving
always in and out
among the mountains and valleys
the terrains of the souls in which it travels.

the wonderful thing about spreading
one's heart out to
those around you
to giving and giving
and then, maybe,
giving just a bit more
yes

even when it hurts a bit

is that when the time comes
for these four gifts to spread their own wings
to make their own homes
to journey their own paths
find their own way. . .

there will be just that
many more places
for my lover & i
and our traveling hearts
to find
their home.

wahoo, it's friday!

and this week's five-minute prompt was: HOME.

of course that brought up too many thoughts to capture in a mere five minutes.

but the most prominent: the thought that my home is wherever my family is.

hope you have a fabulous weekend, and as usual, click on the above button if you

feel like catching what others have written this week.

a new name

2013-03-05T06:52:00.001-05:00

*originally written for a teen audience. thoughts on beauty. and self-acceptance.

i remember what it felt like to be thirteen, fourteen, then fifteen. the specifics might be a bit hazy, but the feelings i remember quite well.

i remember the first time i let a boy hold my hand and he said, “you have big hands.” {it took five more years before i let a boy grown man hold my hand}.

i remember feeling so very, very tall. . . at five feet, eight inches high.

i’m sure my feet were bigger than most.

do you know how hard it feels to hide in a small school?

it doesn't really matter if you’re good at sports and everyone wants you to play on the team and they cheer because you help them win. . . . when you just want to be short and petite and do the cheers yourself.

and the boy you like says you’re too tall for him.

when you’re blonde and blue-eyed. . . and then those eyes start to turn green. but at the time blue's your favorite color. and the least one is green.

you’re the nice girl that everyone likes. except for those that think you’re a snob because you’re a bit on the shy side. i hated quiet. and i craved quiet.

and there were days that losing myself in the quiet was the only way to be found.

sometimes? if i'm totally honest. . .

i still feel fourteen.

but then i remember.

that God—He changed my name.

He gave me new names for all of the ones that didn't fit.

hands to span the octaves in praise.

feet to walk the corridors in steady service.

height that has allowed me to carry my babies well, reach shelves for the elderly women in the grocery stores, and turn from the t-shirts that proclaim the message "fun size" in relief. . .{smiles, my short friends}

quiet became the ability to listen and observe.

ashamed is now forgiven.

broken became healed.

never quite “fitting” in my skin led to an acceptance of how we are all different, all unique. just the way He intended.

no matter the old name, He has given me a new one. He takes what is old, transforms it, makes it into something reflective of Him. He doesn't obliterate the old self, but rather takes who i am and makes me more into Who He is.

never doubt you are loved, dear ones. never let the lies of Satan, the world around you, or the voice in your own head tell you any differently. He loves you with an everlasting love. that’s it. it never, ever ends. and He has given you a new name because of it.

He makes beautiful things out of us.

sharing with the communities at jen's and emily's

extra or ordinary?--a five-minute friday post

2013-03-01T06:39:00.001-05:00

i move through the day
sometimes in harmony
sometimes in awkward discord

but always moving
flowing

and it is within those movements that the moments
they stop me
catch me
almost grabbing me

and cause
me
to pause

and for that one moment
or maybe two
and if i'm very, very fortunate
three or four or more

caught up in an extraordinary
moment in time
where the eternal meets
the mortal

the now
meets the forever
and the today
glimpses
the tomorrow

and if i could somehow bottle up the essence of that one or two or three moment{s} in time
rare and precious, more valuable. . .

no price could be put upon it
but it would surely be treasured
holy
sacred
out of the ordinary

or maybe
simply
the ordinary?

wow. to possibly share in five minutes on the ordinary? not if the ordinary

routinely slays you beyond what your human mind routinely conceives

as "ordinary." i thank God for those ordinary moments in my day that He turns into

extraordinary. holy. hushed. sacred.

they are my sacrifice and worship to Him.

click here to read what others have written about the ordinary.

have a great weekend!

a few short words. . . from a mama

2013-02-26T06:21:00.000-05:00

image credit

so i've got this thing going. . .
all fearless
and more recently--------in the silence.

yesterday i read job 38-40:5
and it's important that you read it in the Message version
straight through with hardly a breath (especially getting to forty, verse five)
really, it's important
and before that i had read ecclesiastes 3
where it says (also according to the Message)
there is a time to just shut up
and then another to speak up.

and the problem is that i often don't know which is which.

but i'm learning.

verryyyy slowly

it would appear.

but my {few} words today
for the mamas among you
is especially for those of you who like me would rather speak a thousand instead of ten to get your point across--

it's okay.

take a note from me

it's time

to be fearless

in your silence

mmmmmm.

and you can only begin to wonder how really, really hard it is to end this post right now, now can't you???

besides, He's got it covered. right?

*sharing with the community at Jen's :-)

what mama did--the real {a five-minute friday post}

2013-02-22T06:25:00.000-05:00

she wasn't apt to be wearing any bottled up scent, but she smelled like warm bread or oatmeal chocolate chip cookies any good day of the week.
to hug her and inhale was just sweetness personified, a gift you were blessed to receive and sad if you happened to miss out on.
in the years since my parents have moved to a new home, my siblings and all the grandchildren would agree--their home feels like wherever they are. truth be told, wherever she is. her essence follows, and she has made this new structure exactly what it is: her home.

i remember coming home after school, and on the days when she could not be there--the house was empty for missing her presence. i used to wonder quite regularly on those days if the rapture had taken place, because it was a no brainer that if anyone was going it would be my mama. i would wait anxiously until she returned, relieved once again to be reunited and assured also of my salvation. until the next time i arrived to an empty house.

my mama thought i was sweet. i don't think she knew until years later that i "lost" a friend in junior high because i cussed too much. or that some of the girls in my high school thought my introverted self could beat them up. she just rubbed my aching legs and prayed me through my growing pains. wiped my tears, tucked me in at night, and loved me all the while. yes, even as a teenager.

my mama--she loved me. for me. and though i know she must have had her own set of cares and wants and needs, it's as if she set those aside for a time. to manage the larger tasks at hand.

to make a house a home.
give scents a smell.
gives dreams a beginning.
and wings their first flight.

but then again, maybe those were here cares and wants and needs. . .

and while the imaginary and extraordinary were certainly not above contemplation. . . it was walking through the daily real that made her truly mine.

and so i strive--to carry on those days of real and growing and stretching and rubbing through the loving and laughing and {sometimes} painful days of living life in my own family. that my own kids may someday remember love. . . lots and lots of love.
and in their own unique way be able to say, "that's what mama did."

disclosure: this post took some extra seconds :-)

today's prompt: WHAT MAMA DID

if you want to read more of these posts, click on the above button.

and if you go to lisa-jo's site, her whole week was filled with similar posts. amazing!

have a fantastic weekend!

joy comes in the mo{u}rning

2013-02-20T06:35:00.000-05:00

to the boy/man, all gangly arms and long lower limbs trying hard to figure out what's up and down, back and forth, right and wrong. . .
who is equal parts push and pull, dirty and clean, giggly and deep-voiced. . .
don't you worry about those falling tears, that trembling lip, or the desperation as you reach out and hug with arms that don't ever want to let go and a voice that whispers "i love you" as if the day just began and you never want it to end.
you are bold, your are strong, and He gives you great courage.
and joy, yes, even joy--it comes with the mourning.

to the girl, all flaxen-haired and dimple-smiled,
who brings hard conversations to the forefront and persists,
doggedly, courageously, relentlessly. . . persists
in spite of your frustration
in spite of your longings
in spite of your many days gone by that were lost in a world of misunderstanding. . .
hang on
for He holds you, He loves you, and He considers you most precious in His sight
and even in this, yes, even this--joy comes in the mourning.

to the man, whose body is broken
who lies in the hospital bed wondering what lies ahead
whose worries weigh him down through the hours both day and dark
through the moods, through the pain, the shadowlands of the mind. . .
this weeping, this darkness, this utter brokenness
though it may tarry for the night
and yes, even a good while longer. . .
i pray you find the joy in this hard, long mourning.

and to the mom.
you know who you are, for even now you find it hard
this loving.
this pouring out, the constant, the emptying so quick and hard that there isn't time in between
to fill back up.
but God
HE awaits--and oh, the blessed lover of your soul is right here watching and waiting and holding and hiding you close
fear not
"for I am with you," He says
today, and tomorrow, and until the end of the ages He will never leave your side. . .
never leave my side.

and to this hope I cleave. to this hope I cling. to this hope i clutch as if my very life depends on it.
for, indeed, it does.
and though weeping may tarry for a night
or a week
or a month
or even add up to equal a year or years or a lifetime. . .

joy comes in the mourning. . .
and joy--blessed, indescribable, incomprehensible, unfathomable,
joy. . .
{come, Lord Jesus, come, and help me breathe deeply of Your rich mercies and love and grace for a new day--ah, how i love to inhale Your sweetness}
may it also come in the morning.

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

You have loosed my sackcloth

and clothed me with gladness,

that my glory may sing Your praise and not be silent;

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever!

Psalm 30:11,12

fearless in the silence

2013-02-19T06:35:00.002-05:00

sometimes it takes more strength to remain fearless in the silence.

i've been experiencing a healthy dose of non-writing around here. a writer's quiet, if you will. and it has taken every ounce of self-restraint to not just start babbling. to fill this space with some words.

this morning's quiet time found me in the book of Ecclesiastes. and for my morning's studies lately, i've been reading from the Message.

i acquired a copy of the Message a couple of years ago. i specifically wanted it in order to obtain my goal of reading through the entire Bible, thinking it would help me get through some of the more cumbersome old testament books.

and quite in keeping with the author's intent, i have fallen in love with scripture all over again.

in addition to the scripture, Eugene Peterson gives amazing descriptions of the intent and purposes of each book. i have enjoyed his insights into the scripture as much as the scripture reading itself.

so as i began this morning, in working through the human condition, here is what he had to say about us:

"it is our propensity to go off on our own, trying to be human by our own devices and desires, that makes Ecclesiastes necessary reading.

Ecclesiastes sweeps our souls clean of all 'lifestyle' spiritualities so that we can be ready for God's visitation revealed in Jesus Christ.

it functions not as a meal but as a bath. it is nourishment; it is cleansing. it is repentance. it is purging.

Ecclesiastes challenges the naive optimism that sets a goal that appeals to us and then goes after it with gusto, expecting the result to be a good life. the author's cool skepticism, a refreshing negation to the lush and seductive suggestions swirling around us, promising everything but delivering nothing, clears the air. and once the air is cleared, we are ready for reality--for God."

a right time to shut up and another to speak up. (Ecclesiastes 3:7)

so i fearlessly await the words. and the time. looking to the author and perfecter of my faith. . . daily running the race that is set before me. He is good. amen?

amen.

*sharing with the SDG community at Jen's

my beloved's--a five-minute friday post

2013-02-15T06:27:00.000-05:00

wahoo, it's friday!

here's this week's five-minute friday post, with the prompt: BELOVED.

beautiful word, eh? i thought so :-) especially on the heels of valentine's day.

hope you have some terrific weekend plans. we'll be celebrating a very

special second child's 14th birthday!!!

hope you have a great one!

he hands me the card and it reads like this:
"me bad at words,
but me sometimes
get lucky and string few good ones
together. . ."

intact with picture of a caveman and everything. . .

and inside it has a cute little caption along with a few good words. . .

and then the letter.
the three-page letter wherein he managed to string a "few" good words together.
for he knows that words matter
just. that. much.
to me.

i am my beloved's
and my beloved is mine.

and somewhere in the writing
the lines blur
this man given to me
so very careful through the years
loving and patient and kind and gentle. . .

i am my beloved's
and my beloved is mine.

Light of the World come shine on me
come shine on me. . .
and i am bright and warm and held.
beautifully and wonderfully held
just as i am
in the light and warmth of his love.

i am my beloved's
and my beloved is mine.

these are the moments that capture my soul
and remind me
of a purpose greater than i can really put into words
greater than i can bottle up and label. . .

thank you, my beloved. . .
thank You, my Beloved.

***this post was inspired by the above song. i know it's long, but it's beautiful if you have the time to listen to it.

i love you, again

2013-01-25T06:20:00.001-05:00

in the dark of the early morning hours

you rise

and if my sleepy eyes can open

my body awaken

coffee on

i'll hear it~

i love you.

a simple text message during the day

a phone call checking in

you never fail

to make the connection

always ending with

i love you.

whenever you arrive or

before you depart

eyes finding mine

lip to lip

then a whisper

i love you.

i am ever knowing

ever aware

of life's gift

a moment

an essence

time's fleeting presence.

for all we have is today

here

and now

and wouldn't it be a shame

if seeing you again

never

came.

and i don't

want to be

the woman

who couldn't remember

the last words she spoke

the last words she heard

no, thank you, very much.

so say it again, sweetheart

go ahead~

i love you.

this week's prompt: AGAIN

click on the button to see the rules for this fun writing exercise

and to see what others are writing.

have a great weekend!

breathe, sister

2013-01-14T19:35:00.000-05:00

even introverts need people.

i know. shocking. if you're like me {the introvert} you'll want to take a moment, let the truth of that sink in, and pause to both recover and appreciate the weight of that statement.

because the reality is that life sometimes overwhelms.
and perhaps, introverts, more than most--hold that overwhelming life in. they take it all in, wrap it up, and keep it like a Christmas day gift. all to themselves.

all to myself.

but i had a sort of epiphany the other day.
or maybe it was simply one of the many weird analogies that come to me as they often do.
but here goes:

choosing to keep your pain to yourself is like the ineffective breathing of a laboring woman.

and enter: the sisterhood.

for me, i love that this is both the literal sisterhood and also--others who are not.
i have flesh and blood who stands beside me, holds me up, and encourages me. . . as well as a number of women both in this online world and in real life who offer prayer, practical helps, and the ever-important love language of mine: words.

and most importantly of all, they encourage this one thing. this thing that gives life, that helps the pain, that makes the next step along the journey doable:

breathe.

for that is what makes all the difference for the woman coming into my labor room. epidural aside, there are moments for ALL laboring women where they must learn the technique of breathing. there are ways that make the pain better. and ways that make the pain worse.

the key is to lean into the pain. breathe deeply. allow the inhale to fill and then cause those muscles to relax. the more she can do this, the more she can focus on her breathing. . . she'll find the pain more manageable. able to be endured. controlled.

so instead of screaming against life's pain, lashing out against those around me, or maybe even worse: hiding it all inside and storing it up for one big crisis. . . the sisterhood enables me to breathe. to drink deeply of words of encouragement. to know that i'm never alone through the journey. and to relax against the pain, knowing that another day is coming. a NEW day is coming.

and like the laboring woman, the gift on the other side will often make the pain of today contrast in pale comparison.

or at the very least, look back on it with a smile & a laugh.

sharing with the sisterhood of soli deo gloria

dive--a five-minute friday post

2013-01-11T06:44:00.001-05:00

wahoo--it's friday!

time to free-write; no tweaking, editing, or over-thinking on this one.

lisa-jo's word prompt for the day: DIVE.

ah, the word, alone, makes me shudder.

as always, click on the button above to check out what others are writing.

have a fantastic weekend!

i was fairly athletic throughout my childhood.
but there were a few sports that i didn't thoroughly engage in. activities that weren't priorities. skills that eluded me.

enter swim lessons.

i did okay with the swimming. learned several strokes, would be able to save myself from drowning, and find it a pleasure to be in the water on a hot, summer day.

but i never learned to dive.

and i can still remember the face, voice, and posturing of the young man who taught my particular class. all full of himself (or at least it seemed to me).
impatient.
a bit angry?
"why, on earth, can't you do this???
just dive!!!"

and if i'd had any boots on during those lessons after lessons after lessons. . .
i would have been shaking all the way down to my toes.

for him it was simple.
he knew the steps.
skill mastered.
just. simply. do. it.

and i find myself at a similar place these days.
many unknowns.
unfamiliar territory.
shaking in my metaphorical boots.
and i would swear i can hear those same words. . . just dive!!!

and me--silly enough to pick a word for the year such as FEARLESS.

but thankfully the sound of the voice in my head is a bit more gentle
a LOT more patient
and is followed up by hands that hold the universe.

touching a toe to the water just to make sure
i'm {trying to} trust Him {completely} when He says, "come on in, the water's just fine."

every day an opportunity

2013-01-04T07:12:00.000-05:00

it's five-minute friday! a chance to write for five minutes straight

on this week's word prompt: OPPORTUNITY,

with no editing, tweaking, or over-thinking. always an interesting exercise.

hope this first week of the year finds you all well!

as always, click on the above button to read what others

are writing this Friday.

have a great weekend!

a couple of days ago she wrote about Day 1, and how every new day is a new Day 1
an opportunity
that's right
a day to start anew.

and that's how i'm entering this new year
with a fresh perspective
FEARLESS,
you know

not with angst
and trepidation
second-guessing
every little step along the way (in spite of a rough start)

for each and every day He promises
that his mercies. . . those mercies He pours out full and rich and new and wonderfully washing over me just. when. i. think i can't stand anymore without them and Him,
those are what i live each day to receive
those are what i live each day to turn and give.

the opportunity to give what i have been given
pour out with what i have been filled
let my own cup overflow with the full measure of that of which i taste each and every day and keep coming back for more and more and more.

that they will see their own opportunity for grace.
and love.
and mercy.
and seek His face for more of it on their own.
an opportunity of a lifetime, learned one day at a time.

today we begin again.