On The Slate | The Tracking Board

ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA — LION KING IN MY PANTS EDITION (10.07.11)

Tracking Board — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 13:01:30 +0000

Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “Fight Club” party. You were Brad Pitt with the erectile hair, I was Edward Norton and was missing some teeth. We went behind the Meat Loaf-shaped meat loaf sculpture, you said, “I want you to hit me as hard as you can”, we knelt down and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you who said, “You don’t talk about Fight Club, be we can talk about something else” before unzipping your pants…Shit. I have to stop sleeping with anyone who says they’re Brad Pitt. (Charlie Sheen, you know what you did.) Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about why casting Russell Crowe as Superman’s dad is a phenomenally bad idea (see above), or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as a Thai ladyboy (I miss my breasts). But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I did not produce a film called “Butter” (but that’s what they called me in college). #3 – The ladies call mine “Mufasa”. Let’s begin…

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ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA — A REAL HERO EDITION (09.30.11)

Tracking Board — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 13:00:38 +0000

This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca urging you to see the film “Drive” before reading this tribute. It is a film that, if one were lazy, one could say was a throwback to the neon dystopia of ‘80s crime movies such as Michael Mann’s “Thief” and William Friedkin’s “To Live and Die in LA”. And, on the surface, perhaps it is. But look inside and it is something much, much more. In the first of our Spotlight Series, I give you “Drive”.

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ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA — THE WORLD ISN’T YOURS EDITION (09.23.11)

Tracking Board — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 13:00:59 +0000

Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “Dress Like Keanu Reeves” party. I shaved my head and offered to show what the Matrix was, you said, “Come on my excellent adventure”, we went into “The Devil’s Advocate Pleasure Room of Dirty Al Pacinos”, and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you with the blank stare that made me feel me whole, like Sandra Bullock? Shit. I have to stop taking mescaline. Anyway, welcome, sit on my face! (Just kidding.) One week we might talk about how we need a “Footloose” remake like your grandma needs sex (and she really needs sex), or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as a Swedish Maid Penis Enlarger. (That was a long, long time ago, in George Lucas’ bathtub. Don’t ask. Really, I mean it. Don’t ask. Sorry, George, I didn’t mean it. NOOOOO!!!!!! And that’s how “Howard The Duck” got made.) But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not producing a remake of “Point Break” (because I love you) - #3 – I did not see “Bucky Larson”, for I value life. Let’s begin…

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ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA — THEY STILL LIVE EDITION (09.16.11)

Tracking Board — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 13:01:04 +0000

In yet another commercial break from Hollywood scoops and smutty jokes, we continue our Great Americans series with a look at John Carpenter and his 1988 cult classic, “They Live”.

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ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA — ALL NA’VI ALL NUDE EDITION (09.09.11)

Tracking Board — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 13:01:41 +0000

Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “ALL MALE AVATAR PARTY”. You were dressed as Stephen Lang, I went as Neytiri, with large blue prosthetic boobs. You said, “Show me your Jake Sully”, we went behind the Hometree standee, and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? Shit. I think I may have actually slept with Stephen Lang. (Sorry, Stephen. Mr. Lang’s representatives have said he’s sorry, too.) Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about Charlie Sheen and sex with the elderly, or we might offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Mitt Romney’s sex kitten (got me free healthcare) . But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not the producer of “Moneyball” (though Aaron Sorkin can touch mine, what a stud). #3 – This used to be my playground (and then came the lawsuits). Let’s begin…

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ON THE SLATE GOES TO WAR : THE AGE OF STUPIDITY, OR HOW FRIGHT NIGHT 3D IS NOT YOUR FRIEND EDITION (09.02.11)

Tracking Board — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 13:00:03 +0000

My fellow Americans, my Canadian friends and Tracking-Board members, welcome to the age of stupidity. Yes, one that even rivals the search and destroy “government stay out of people’s lives unless they’re gay” small penis Bush era mentality. It is not a war on decency, a fictitious “War on Christmas”, or something from the empty-headed fulminations of the Tea Party. No, it is the greatest battle of our times – the War on Subtlety. And nowhere has it struck harder than in the world of film. Yes, it isn’t exactly Darfur at stake here, but to those who care passionately, those who give a shit, it means everything.

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ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA – TYLER PERRY IS NOT YOUR WOMAN EDITION (08.26.11)

Tracking Board — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 14:12:59 +0000

Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “Dress Like Madea” party. You wore football shoulder pads and stroked my noticeable stubble. Then we lifted our matching pink chainsaws and had a gander at the furniture. We then went into the “Why Did I Get Married” bondage room, and did like Grannies normally…wait, that wasn’t you? Shit. I have stop setting my fantasies around Tyler Perry movies. Well, anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about why “Cowboys and Aliens” sucks more than your sister with a straw, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Rick Perry’s towel boy. But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not producing a film called “Little White Corvette” (nor do I have anything little and white on my person). #3 – I will not force you to see “One Day”. (I am a merciful God.) Let’s begin…

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ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA – THE BLATTY’S DREAM EDITION (08.18.11)

Tracking Board — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 15:13:10 +0000

White space. A blessing, or a disease? A cure-all for a fast and easy read? Or a soul-crushing killer of creativity that inhibits that most basic form of expression, language? If short, punchy, and easily digestible are the prized traits in the written word of film, why are our gods so damn loquacious? Chayefsky? Serling? Sorkin? All playwrights, you say? Correct! But what do we make of the subject of today’s Great American installment? “The power of Christ compels you” to read on, as we put the spotlight on - William Peter Blatty.

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ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA – THE COWBOYS AND ALIENS (IN MY PANTS) EDITION (08.12.11)

Tracking Board — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 13:00:57 +0000

Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met at that “Predator Costume Party”. I went as Arnold and was slathered in olive oil and camo makeup, you went as the Predator, with the shiniest of dreadlocks, I said, “You remind me of my maid”, you called me an “ugly mother-(expletive)”, we went into the Carl Weathers Sex Tub, had a brief discussion about “Predator” cast member Sonny Lanham’s views on the Arab world, and then we….Wait, that wasn’t you? Then who was in the “Predator” costume? CHARLIE SHEEN? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit. I have to stop saying “yes” to the first fella in a “Predator” suit. Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about R.Lee Ermey’s inevitable descent into porn, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Herman Cain’s favorite pizza topping. (You remember, Howard? Those candlelight dinners in the Barstow Godfather’s branch? Ah, the memories.) But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not producing a project called “ESPN: Those Guys Have All the Fun” (though everyone knows SportCenter is where you get nasty). #3 – Rupert Murdoch likes wookie porn. Let’s begin…

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ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA – Smurf Me Hard Edition (08.05.11)

Tracking Board — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 18:25:21 +0000

Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met at that Michelangelo party. I went as David, which is to say, I was exposed. You went in body paint as the Sistine Chapel. You said, “Show me your paint brush”, we went into the Pieta Orgy Room, and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? Shit. I should have gone to Jean Genet Night. Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about Zach Snyder’s abundant respect for women, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as John Boehner’s concubine. (I still have nightmares.) . But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not developing a film called “The Big Stone Grid” (my stone could never fit in a grid). #3 – I call mine “Captain America”. Guess what I call the “Captain America 2”? Let’s begin…

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