Notes to self and fellow souls from an underwater artist
(title picture: “Basho’s Frog (A Smaller Splash)” (partim) by Sky Hoorne 02022)

The healthy way to handle rejection is not to harden and not to go into counter-rejection. Not to get caught in trauma and drama.
To go back underwater and to remain generous is the best way to thrive and survive. To be able to stand alone and be nourished by the people who support and care if you are lucky to have some around, and to feed on the energy and contentment released from the creative process.
The answer lies not in thoughts or in returning the rejecting gesture but rather in the body and the prereflective realm.
Honour the generative source, focus on delivering the next offspring of creations, like a dedicated midwife to nature’s infinite creativity.

Rejection of particular forms of creativity is usually a question of economics, of personal preferences and tastes, of ignorance, there are plenty of reasons… It is an opposite of generosity, a denial, a frustration (a blocking) of offered, invested energy.
Gatekeepers can act ungenerously, either deliberately or unconsciously, or they are forced by circumstance, by scarcity, by politics, …
Tastes and backgrounds differ. Never take it personal, even if they do.
Don’t let somebody else’s judgment define you or your work.
If they don’t like or understand what you do, that is basically their issue, not yours. If people like or love what you do, same thing.
You can only do your best to deliver and stay true to the creativity that
springs into you, the rest is largely out of your hands and not your responsibility.
Getting a podium and visibility as an artist is great if it happens. If it doesn’t, resentment is not the way to go.
Bitterness stalls and eats away at you and your life force.

Count your blessings, not your rejections.
Creative talent and versatility don’t mean a lot in a world dominated by mediocrity and uniformity. This is not a statement of resentment, it is a matter of fact. Specializing in one artistic trick and repeating it ad nauseam is usually a good recipe for success. Especially if you adapt a style that is trendy and give it a little personal twist. It is easier to pigeon hole and to market, a schoolbook example in branding.
Creativity in our culture is applauded as long as it fits certain rules and expectations. Deviate from that and face the hardship. It was like that centuries ago, and it still is. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

If you have something new or different to tell, brace yourself to get rejected many times. Believe in what you do and evolve, no matter what. Accept the inevitable pain of refusal. Digest, let go and most important of all, keep on moving, keep on doing new things.

Your place in the world is already in the making and expanding, it is only its acknowledgment in the public domain and in the art /creative scene that is absent. It is not considered or adapted yet, and perhaps it never will be. Don’t wait for it to happen. Not all ideas and art forms get exposure or wider consideration.

Work on clarity of meaning. Through your own formalized explanation of your work a pathway is offered to the world for it to be understood and absorbed in common thought, but it is not a given nor is it in your power what others do with your efforts. If you have the zeitgeist and mainstream perspectives against you, accept that. No use in looking away from the truth.

Support is great if you have it. If you don’t have a local network and you are not a great networker, don’t bother.
If you are not backed by academia and/or a number of gatekeepers, rejoice in your unbound freedom to create, free from anyone’s arbitrary limits and tastes. It is a rare and precious gift to possess. Do your thing, know your art history if you can and don’t doubt your work and yourself too much. Don’t despair. Have faith in the meaning that is enfolded in your creative efforts.

Childish desires are for children. It is futile to focus on getting accepted or to want to be praised by large swaths of people or the establishment. Social media are based on biased algorithms that promote what is already accepted, hot and trending. They are flawed tools to potentially become more visible, with large caveats. Share your work on them if it suits you and expect nothing of it.

Popularity seldom is a reliable indicator of quality or innovation. Don’t underestimate the importance of luck and contingency.
If wider appreciation does happen, that could be a good and welcome thing. If not, then so be it. One has to be firmly rooted as an artist and as a human being.

Deliver, deliver, deliver. Become inevitable if you can.
Be like the bird that hatches her eggs without expectations, be like the DNA that subtly mutates, the tree that regrows its leaves, the toddler that enjoys manipulating wet clay for the very first time, making something out of nothing. The creative process is sacred, it is the very essence. Don’t let your mind or that of others play tricks on you.

There is the art creation on the one hand and the art game on the other. It is much healthier to remain generous and playful internally than to lose yourself in a largely meaningless game.
Play with your eyes and hands and your imagination, not with people. And don’t let them play you.

Continue to flow and grow, with rejection as a catalyst, a fertilizer, not a showstopper. Flow like water, don’t dam yourself in and the stream will find its way.
Go underwater in the world of flow and create.
The world of thought and dry land is necessary to live and survive but it is not fundamental. Rejection of certain forms of creativity is part of that realm and can be necessary too in certain contexts. Due to the arbitrariness however it is seldom vital or very meaningful, like most opinions.

Befriend the vibrant unknown, the creative wilderness

Be generous, be gentle and (re)generate

This is an essay that explores an idea on which I have been ruminating for about ten years and that finally got (re)written in 02020. It was recently reworked to be published in Pari Perspectives (If you are interested in science, religion, spirituality, society, psychology, language, and the arts, consider subscribing to this enlightening, independent and international magazine: https://paricenter.com/our-journal/ ).
Many thanks to Kristina Alexandra Janavicius for the rigorous editing!
This version is slightly altered with videos and additional images, and some extra paragraphs at the end. (NL vertaling: link)

The limitations of text and the explicate

We are living in challenging times, with a plethora of ongoing crises threatening the natural world, human rights, democracies, economies. This is also an era in which ‘the explicate’—a term coined by David Bohm [1] to refer to all that is explicit, manifest, quantifiable, material, measurable, in focus and literal, textual—consumes most of our attention.

Science is still predominantly occupied with a materialist and reductionist agenda, backed by spectacular technological advancements; yet it fails to solve many of the environmental problems it has created. The so-called ‘natural world,’ or what is left of it, is being further reduced, controlled, depleted and destroyed for the sake of short-term profits.
Equally serious is the fact that people are basically treated as resources, numbers, labels; as consumers, discrete, independent individuals, with little appreciation shown for their personal background, their struggles and living circumstances. It is as if all the invisible contingencies that constrain us are non-existent. “Work hard enough and you’ll get what you desire” remains the common adage.

While all that is manifest, explicit and measurable has reigned in most human domains for quite some time now, some cracks have been developing in this predominant paradigm of what we will call ‘text.’ For example, local initiatives regarding food production and attempts to repair the social fabric are on the rise. Developing scientific domains such as contextual psychology, personalized medicine and epigenetics are also gaining traction. Ideas such as plant communication [2] and sustainable economics [3] are being popularized, as is the revolutionary (!) notion that most people are actually good and decent, provided that you accommodate them with sufficient conditions to prosper [4].

The renewed interest in David Bohm’s physics theories might also prove a hopeful sign. There is also a growing movement towards cross-disciplinary research, nowadays backed by computer systems capable of processing enormous chunks of experimental data. This can be seen, e.g., in the progress made in comprehending the workings of immune systems, microbiomes, cancers, climate change etc. For the first time in history, science is able to take into account a vast number of contextual factors, taking baby steps towards a better understanding of the vast complexity of everything.

Context as a process

Caught in the aforementioned paradigm of ‘text’, when faced with a certain issue, we tend to overlook the importance of context [5]. This is especially true in western industrialized societies (though far less so in China, Japan, native American cultures [6], for example), regardless of what the subject matter or problem is. Usually only a small number of visible and immediate aspects of the issue are addressed, and all the rest is left aside and regarded insignificant.
Enter the world of contexting. Etymologically, con-texting means ‘weaving together, joining together.’ Context as a verb, which can also be named ‘active context’. By zooming out, taking fully into account context as an active, undivided, ongoing process and naming it ‘contexting,’ the emphasis is put on relation (togetherness) and process (becoming) rather than on individuality (separateness) and identity (being). In fact, one could say that the larger view obtained becomes rather vague and unfocused, thus better enabling us to discern the nature and workings of the evolving whole.

This perspective proves relevant in many areas.
On the quantum level, one could say that the contexting process of the experimental setup informs the quantum processes within, and that these processes feed back into this changing background [7]. (For the Bohm-Hiley adepts, notice the similarities between the notions of ‘active information’ and contexting = ‘active context’.)

Organism-environment theory [8] is another example. It takes into account many contextual parameters (in space and time) that would otherwise be omitted in a traditional scientific inquiry. From the broadly observed contexting, both the behavior of the organism in question and the relevant environmental factors can be abstracted.

One of the most prominent limiting contexts shaping our reality is language. If we don’t have a word for some phenomenon, it is as if it barely exists; it barely enters our culture and personal consciousness, sometimes not at all. In fact, language can itself be viewed as a contexting process, continually changing, syntactically and semantically. Interacting with what happens in the world, it assigns significance where it will, to some features but not to others. Language is alive. This is why we think it is indispensable to explicitly point, in as far as this is possible, to all that is unnamed, invisible, fleeting and unfathomable with our newly introduced concept.
Contexting comprises all that cannot be measured, all that is hidden between the lines, enfolded, out of focus. Consequently, when our attention is shifted to this complex and infinitely rich process, we transcend the limited energy of our abstractions, interpretations and incomplete knowledge

Contexting, by definition, expands, like a whirling vortex reaching out to its outer edges, at the same time revolving by infinitesimal degrees around its evolving center(s). Contexting might even reach beyond time and space, i.e. weaving/interconnecting non-locally, synchronically, who knows…!
By recognizing contexting as primordial, or as being at least as important as the manifest world, we reintroduce the religious into the equation—religion untethered, secular, without any dogmas or beliefs. To avoid any misunderstandings, here we consider religion in its radical, holistic sense of ‘relating, binding together.’ By acknowledging the complexity of ourselves and the other, by looking beyond what is on the surface, beyond the things we know and presume, our relations become much more lively, with more room for compassion and understanding, and a fresh outlook on what is actually taking place from moment to moment.
Analogous to context—as opposed to text—there are two ancient concepts of time: Kairos and Chronos. We are all familiar with Chronos, that chronological, clock time which has been another determining factor in the reign of the explicate, with its ever-more-precise measurement of practically all phenomena. Yet there is also Kairos or contextual time—the right time. It depends not on mechanics but rather on chance, opportunity, intuition, natural cycles [9].

Contexting is a never halting movement of intertwined processes, of which human consciousness is a part. There is always some mental activity going on, and our conscious minds never start from a static square one—you always wake up riding a horse that is moving somewhere, so to speak. The same goes for bodily processes.
To fully inhabit contexting requires a degree of questioning, of looking further—an activity that animates, breathes life into what we already know and see; it’s an activity that precludes certainties.
To put it another way, the world and the universe are constantly in flux; they are the totality of contexting, and each of us temporarily participates in that subtle dance [10]. You could also say the universe is ‘uni-verting’ (literally turning around as one, into one whole), the world is ‘worlding,’ with us as part of that process.
Worlding is us, and we are worlding; all is contexting. Deep down there is no separation: it is one movement, with movements within movements, ad infinitum.

By considering ourselves ‘human contextings,’ we recognize our changing subtleties and tendencies, our being and becoming, our origins and our constantly changing relationships with the rest of the world, which does not remain unchanged either.
As human contextings, we find much more fulfillment in our lively, reciprocal relations; in meaningful exchanges, rather than in distant identifications. Ideas and images can be tremendously exciting, but only for so long, as they do not nourish the soul.
Our private minds and bodies are arbitrary limits or abstractions of the larger contexting process they participate in, no matter how large our scope on contexting is—from the personal to the interpersonal to the universal.

The art of coherent contexting

As explained thus far, contexting can be seen as the general activity of every-thing and no-thing (the explicate and the implicate), and at first glance this renders a rather passive and deterministic outlook, especially in the light of the dominant worldviews. This is misleading though.
Conscious attention and sensitivity are the best means we have at our disposal by far to somewhat calibrate the contexting process that we are all part of. Without them, we are unwittingly dragged into going the way of the masses, escaping from our responsibilities [11]. They are the ‘tools’ of awareness which make it possible to root out incoherences and move toward ‘coherent contexting,’ which means, simply put, living more coherently, through our thinking, actions and relationships.
By incoherence we mean ill-fitted human contexting (repeated patterns in the brain and/or the culture, from simple to very complex), generated by incoherent thought, or memory. This incoherence can be stored patterns in the brain and in culture (traditions, books, movies, language, to name but a few), in practices and systems that are no longer (or never were) suitable for what is actually required.

What is needed foremost to facilitate this is a broad dialogue, with deep, actual listening; an inner dialogue, in mind and body, not looking away from what is ugly, rigid and painful, but rather examining it all and allowing it to exist, to potentially having it loosen up and evolve.
It requires an outer dialogue, not just with people we know or that we have a natural affinity with, but also those we do not know, those who have different habits and beliefs. A collective effort with each participant trying to understand the issues involved and the different viewpoints, looking further than the verbal narratives, taking into account not only each other’s personal histories and shortcomings, but also trying to address the whole context at hand, in its full complexity.
Additionally, and equally importantly, a dialogue with the totality of our surroundings, with the air we breathe, the trees, the animals, the pollution, the destruction—all of it. And all of it without fear or judgment, but rather with as much openness, sensitivity and creativity as we can muster.
Out of all this, meaningful action will emerge.
Let us now go into some detail on possible ways to get there. This involves three main principles: awareness of actuality, coherent knowledge and coherent action.

1. Awareness of actuality

Firstly, ‘ontoscopy,’ the term conceived for ‘looking at what is, not knowing’—bare observation and awareness, attained through no-nonsense meditation and/or mindfulness practices. It is essential to get rid of mental distortions and to obtain a sufficiently objective perspective.

The main concern is to cultivate trustworthy proprioception of the mind’s movements, in the same way that we naturally possess proprioceptive capabilities for moving the body in space, i.e. most people can sufficiently sense their bodily movements, but hardly any level of their mental activity in time.
This improved self-awareness can greatly facilitate our ability to detect, feel out and think through incoherences. Over time it becomes possible to pierce through many illusions, to go upstream in consciousness, deeper inwardly, to observe parts of the unconscious or what is called ‘tacit infrastructure’ of thought, and to acquire more inner freedom [12]. As this area is largely unexplored (some traditions have, but the descriptions tend to be rather cryptic), the final possibilities are yet to be discovered and scientifically charted.
This process of and towards non-judgmental awareness of actuality calls into question what is happening before the senses (with which we create and anticipate our model of reality), and compels us to perceive the ever-changing actuality, thus becoming more fully and deeply aware that there is more activity present, beyond appearances. In this way we develop an eye for the particular, for the actual contexting observed, from moment to moment, not generalizing or falling back on existing knowledge (images, labels, etc.) but responding adequately, intelligently. Of course we cannot take in all contexting information present but that is not necessary either, as what is relevant will become clear through experience. Intuition and sensitivity become the guiding force to know what to do (or not do).
We do not refrain from pointing out useful methods to facilitate this mental clarity, as long as we keep in mind that methods are always a means, not an end: mindfulness [13] and meditation [14], self-observation & self-remembering (Gurdjieff) [15], zazen [16], focusing [17], psychosynthesis [18], transpersonal psychology [19], and centering [20].

Although attaining accurate perception, self-knowledge and wisdom is an arduous challenge, it can be achieved. Through mindful introspection and psychological investigation (with or without help from experts), we can arrive at considerable insight.

2. Coherent knowledge

Ontology—in its sense of ‘knowing, categorizing of what is’, human knowledge as a whole (personal and cultural)—is perhaps as important as living consciously. The reality we each create as a model for what is out there and inside of us seemingly originates from our own observations, while in fact it is constructed to a large extent from the culture we grow up in.
With respect to our inner workings, we are largely able to observe and find out on our own, as explained in the previous section.
As for our understanding of the world, we are largely dependent on the input of others to construct a coherent worldview. In everyday life, it is hard to obtain objective facts, because of unintentional illusions, deliberate misinformation, personal biases and the like. Vigilance and a healthy amount of skepticism are necessary at all times.
Even with the assistance of science and trustworthy authorities it is a tricky endeavor to remain open to new information and to simultaneously develop a robust frame of reference to navigate one’s way through life. If only we had better ways to share coherent knowledge with others, without censorship! Humanity could advance substantially.

Important to note: ontoscopy and ontology cannot be totally separated [21]. They are two aspects of the same flowing movement of mental activity, constantly interacting. Both activities can be cultivated by each of us and they largely determine all that society produces and holds dear. Relying too much on one or the other is not a healthy approach. If you are attentive only to your observations, without having some solid framework based on a set of ideas and principles, you become an empty vessel susceptible to any and every ideology. This can result in your actions causing great harm, as history has shown [22].

Similarly, if you become intellectually stuck in a particular ‘-ism,’ and are no longer receptive to what is actually taking place around and inside you, your rigidity will block you from thinking, talking and acting adequately and creatively.

3. Coherent action

Coherent, meaningful action naturally arises from a coherent mind and coherent knowledge. If you have a clear perception of yourself and you are presented with the right information about the external world, there will be very few choices left to take, and right action will take place accordingly in the flow of coherent contexting. It might not be perfect, but it will be meaningful, with most likely minimal harm to all that is related.

Incoherence is unavoidable, something which it is important to keep in mind: people make mistakes, disturbances arise, disease, damage occurs. These glitches are an inherent part of the healthy tensions and non-equilibrium that life and evolution bring forth. Sustained incoherence, however, is immensely problematic. Unhealthy patterns that have become personal or cultural habits are the real issues to be fixed!
Paradoxically, coherent contexting can be a messy and discontinuous, incoherent process: there can be shedding of unhealthy thoughts and habits through insight, reorganizing the whole at a single instance, without time. In most cases, and certainly for groups, it takes considerable time and effort to remove the blockages and allow those shifts to happen, and to adopt new patterns in thinking and conduct.

Change can be instigated by very subtle means. Gentle action [23] is a good example of active, coherent contexting: by means of subtle change(s), attuned to a problematic situation, a significant impact can be achieved, softly nudging a system into a healthier movement. Anyone that practices some form of holistic exercise (yoga, qi gong, tai chi, Feldenkrais, etc.) will recognize that the greatest difficulty lies in applying subtler movements and articulations, which are also the most effective and powerful. Correspondingly, dialogue, in the end, has a lot to do with connecting through subtlety. What is being said is of great importance, but even more important is the potential for finding common ground, instigating insight through the shared meaning of the rich contexting exchanges (e.g., verbally, non-verbally, emotionally, intellectually, historically).
Every action has an actual impact on the world, however small or insignificant it may seem. Any ripple (or deliberate non-ripple) somewhere in the flowing fabric of contexting potentially affects every process it is connected with, both now and in the near or distant future.

To summarize

Contexting is the proposed term to describe the actual processes at play in a certain context, within larger contingencies.
In general, it refers to the universal movement of processes within processes. Because of the advanced cognitive capabilities of human contextings, we have an enormous impact on each other and on earth’s ecosystems.
Contexting is not an answer or a solution, it is an integrative perspective. More than anything else, it is an attitude, a shift away from current, mainstream thinking and doing.
Furthermore, coherent contexting is an inquiring practice and theory, personally and culturally. To effectively engage in this creative art of living, we insist on the need for clarity of mind and thinking, right knowledge and right action.
As the title suggests, this text is a basic outline of the contexting approach, and an open invitation to explore further and more deeply.

EXTRA: Possible implications & applications

The paradigm of contexting opens up new possibilities of thinking and organizing human activity on earth.
Overall, all efforts towards coherence would infuse meaning into many parts of society, whether it involves businesses, school systems, social services, development cooperation, you name it.
Social welfare could become more consistent and provide truly individual, heartfelt support, taking into account people’s entire background and circumstances, i.e. as full human contextings, at the same time defragmenting the many separate offices and agencies existing today, introducing much needed coherence and humanity into the machine of bureaucracy.
Gardening is perhaps the most fitting metaphor to illustrate contexting in action: the emphasis shifts to wholeness, cultivation, cooperation, trust, a balance between tending and letting go instead of manipulation, intrusion, mistrust, fear, domination and control.
As gardeners of our inner and outer garden we could have necessity and contingency as our guiding questions, within the limits of planet earth, taking into account many next generations instead of the next couple of days, months or years.
Politics could stop focusing on identity and eternal economic growth and move on to long-term, global and environmental health, people’s well-being, sustainability, etc.
Businesses, especially large corporations, could adapt similar policies.

Art could make further explorations into perspectives (new forms of cubism?), imagine new configurations of contexting, reality, space and time.
Contextual architecture could become more widespread, with buildings that fit the urban and natural environment, do not deplete resources and enhance the well-being of its occupants and visitors.

We can only sketch some potential applications, and leave it up to the reader to envision better and more advanced ones.

We also note that the current practices of surveillance capitalism [24] are a malicious form of contexting, invisibly profiling and manipulating people in their respective digital and real life contexts. This is accomplished with commercial and political advertisements and through far more subtle nudges on mobile apps, appliances and websites.
Silicon Valley and the advertisers are way ahead when it comes to targeting and manipulating context, except that it is aimed at gaining profits, typically inducing more incoherence in society.

Post scriptum

The global Covid-19 pandemic and climate change are huge challenges for human contextings who are largely stuck in rigid systems that are no longer fitting for what is actually necessary (read: an incoherent global contexting).
Systemic racism is clearly still here, embedded in society, and it can only be measured indirectly. To eradicate it we will have to grow awareness, listen and find/create coherent contexting habits and views.
The year 02020 has everything in it to be a the most horrible year since long but it could also be the opportunity to reorganize and tend our garden in many regards, taking the right actions needed for the generations to come.

References

More media & sources

• http://revisionisthistory.com/
  “Revisionist History” is a podcast by Malcolm Gladwell, where he revisits well-known or obsure historic events and reexamines the context in which things took place, which leads to new insights and more accurate interpretations.
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-small-talk/201112/the-science-seinfeld-top-7-life-lessons
  Sommers, S., “The Science of Seinfeld: Top 7 Life Lessons”

So, finally, after another year of non-activity on this website, things are starting to move again. It all comes along fairly slowly, but still i proceed at a steady pace. What follows is a summary of work in progress.

For starters, my returning readers will have probably noticed that i have totally refurbished the layout of ontoscopy.net.
It is now fully responsive for smartphones and tablets, and should provide a better reading experience overall.

What else is new?
As i have been going through some personal phases of growth and transformation, my perspectives have evolved. My thinking has matured and become much more subtle. Also, there is a definite change of tone in my style of writing. This is why the oldest meditations on this website are now categorized under “the angry years”.

I have invested a considerable amount of time into getting to a better understanding of the concepts of matter, energy, space and time, determinism, chaos, order, chance and randomness. I have also been studying basic linguistics, special relativity and quantum physics and i have developed a fair understanding of the workings of the human body.
I must admit that i continue to be heavily inspired by the works of the late David Bohm (including his ontological interpretation of quantum physics, his theory of implicate order and also the holistic and process-based view of the world and the cosmos, as further researched by his former assistant prof. Basil Hiley) but i also looked into other theories, together with the established paradigms. As a matter of fact, i still do, that part of the work is never finished.
Many might wonder why i put so much time and effort in looking at science, but to me it is quite essential to incorporate and to arrive at a healthier, more complete and sustainable world view. By this i mean a basic outlook that takes into account invisible, non-material aspects of reality and that has room for the mysteries that remain unsolved up till now (those who think that scientific paradigms will no longer undergo radical shifts are surely neglecting the growing amount of findings that need a proper explanation with more and/or different concepts).

Philosophy, psychology and eastern wisdom traditions have also remained under my scrutiny, to integrate them in a framework that accommodates multiple perspectives. For those want a little name dropping, Dōgen Kigen, Maurice Merleau-Ponty, Martin Heidegger, Abraham Maslow, Carl Jung, Charles T. Tart, Shinzen Young and John Welwood are definitely worth checking out. Of course Jiddu Krishnamurti still lingers around in my thoughts as well.
Lately i have been trying to grasp some of the ideas of the late Yasuo Yuasa, a Japanese professor of religion and philosophy who wrote extensively on the meaning of the body and its relationship to mind, and on the differences and similarities between western and eastern (history of) philosophy.
If you like to find out more, here is a list of books that helped shape my thinking and which might inspire you.

Process and system based thinking, a subtle form of organicism, non-duality and the importance of context and meaning/information are the focal points of my research, without neglecting the merits of classical science, which is still grounded in mechanistic mind-matter duality or materialistic monism (≅ “everything can be reduced to matter”).
I finally feel like i am ready to get writing again, with a more solid and broad foundation to start from. Of course as the explanations unfold, i might turn into new, unforeseen directions.

I would also like to re-emphasize that it is not my intention to reinvent the wheel or to make up new, complex theories, on the contrary. My goal is to provide a sensible world view that goes beyond the predominant views of this day and age, without falling into new age clichés and half-truths. There is an abundance of nonsense out there already.
The way i see it, a lot of far-reaching scientific and spiritual discoveries and ideas are known and mostly well-documented, only they have not found their way into the mainstream. One of the biggest challenges is to find ways of making them more accessible, by using the right metaphors and without corrupting their original meaning.

With this in mind,  i am working out a series of comic strips that are in connection with the ideas described above. Current plans include finding ways to illustrate process, relationships & synchronicity. For the connoisseurs: think of Franquin meets Chris Ware meets cubism meets …
I also plan on producing non-sequential visual artworks that show a different perspective on a plenitude of issues.
One of the themes i am currently interested in is the impact of the lens (in our eyes and our cameras) on our experiencing of space and time, something the great David Hockney has been investigating as well.

As for the rest, i also try to post regular updates to my other little web projects:

• at Perspectivist i am posting different perspectives on science (especially mind-brain issues), metaphysics, philosophy, religion, mindfulness, etc.
• at Nonsensefiltr you can find a melting pot of interesting news articles, talks, interviews, infographics, …, that have usually not made it into the mainstream
• the Kishudo tumblr collects a variety of information on kiko / qi gong (a form of mind-body attunement which i also practice)

In short, a new series of meditations is on its way, accompanied by related artwork.
As my health and other circumstances might put some delay on my projects, I am not setting any strict deadlines…
However, no matter what, i always persevere.
There is a lot of work to be done, but results are on their way.
Don’t say i didn’t warn you!

A number of things have contributed to the strange path that took me to where i am right now, at age 33: lifelong health problems, an XXL brain, a very sensitive mindbody and last but not least, not fitting into the male / female binary.

As long as i can remember i have had a hard time digesting my meals. Also, my health was quite feeble, being frequently sick as a child, but that is not so abnormal per se. At age 3 or 4 i got examined by multiple doctors to find out the cause of my nausea, but since their instruments could not measure anything significant, i was considered a “psychosomatic case”.

I was an introverted child, very quiet, never causing any trouble, very susceptible to what was going on around me.  I tried to cope with the nausea the best that i could, not to impose any burden on anyone around me.
I became quite resourceful at hiding my discomfort, and it showed me at an early age how limited the perception of most people is. The problem was no longer visible, case closed. For then.

As for the rest, i was the shy kid with the the drawing talent who excelled at school. Took on the role of caring big brother at age 5, spent a great deal of time watching television, reading, drawing, playing outside and building lego.
My emotions got me in trouble a couple of times, so i learnt to block them off. And instead of sticking to the things i was very good at, i tried to master anything that caught my interest, from basketball and skateboarding to copycatting all sorts of comic strip styles and studying school topics i didn’t like that much. Very enriching but at the same time very detrimental to developing your own identity.

I have always had a hard time identifying with people, especially with boys and men, but since there are several reasons that make it harder for me not to fit in socially, i took that for granted. Ironically, i did identify with the comic heroes and one-dimensional television heroes from the 80’s. I mostly lived in my fantasy world, hiding from the real one.

I never liked high school. Too much incomplete knowledge, stress and narrow-mindedness. Played a lot of computer games, especially adventure games.
Around age 14 my feelings got messed with by two girls (all fairly innocent) but it locked me up further. I kept longing for intimacy from that point on though. Began skateboarding (at which i sucked big time) and skimboarding, trying to impress the ladies, without any success.

When i was around 16, i discovered Henry Rollins, who became my role model for many years. First his band’s music, later his spoken word performances and books. The blues, alienation, frustration, raw emotions and crude introspection struck a deep chord, and inspired me to adapt the lone samurai persona and get into power training. It protected me and kept me going for a long time… I tried to come off as tough as i could, which is not so easy with my personality and physique (!). ( Interestingly, not so long ago i discovered this video in which Rollins is psychologically analyzed as very feminine internally. Something i had never realized, but it is obvious once you start noticing.)

My youngest sister was born, i had a brief period of popularity with some of the girls at school, got excellent final grades, was too naive and out of touch with myself and lacked the personality to pursue an artistic career.

I was given the opportunity to go to university.So i went to Brussels, got my first internet connection and got hooked on US underground hip hop. My interest in IT gradually waned and i enjoyed the freedom but i felt terribly lonely, trying to get in touch with girls and failing miserably each and every time. A lot of bad luck, a lack of self-confidence, wrong academic choices, but also because i could not live up to the masculine role i so desperately tried to uphold. In these moments where i had to open up myself the girls i approached probably sensed the disconnect in my conduct. It was not just shyness, anxiety or a lack of experience.
I had had a brief romance at the end of high school though, but from then on i remained solitary for about ten years.  Frequently getting hit on by gay guys did not boost my morale either and drove me further away from my soft side… (in hindsight and it was quite flattering and probably a sign of things to come, they have all my love and respect)

Writing and music became my life, my reason of being. I always kept my notebook at hand to write down my frustrations, making it my trademark for many years. Luckily i never did drugs or alcohol, those would have wrecked me ( thank heaven for sugar & porn though). While i got quite depressed, suicide never came to mind. Somehow i kept believing in what i was doing,  confiding in my own strength to pierce through all illusions, mine, and other’s.
I bought tons of vinyl records, drew some cartoons & flyers and lived mostly secluded. I kept going out though late at night. My middle name back then probably should have been “What’s with him?”

In 2002, still at uni, i got very passionate about J. Krishnamurti’s teachings and his choiceless awareness approach to consciousness via an uncle of mine.  I also ran a crappy hip hop internet radio show for a while and attended some courses sporadically. Emotionally i was still a basket case, not letting anybody (even girls) get too close to me. I started experimenting with various ways to be more mindful. Insight meditations became a second habit during that period.

Time went on. At one point i  had a severe bout of mononucleosis. Shortly after that i recorded my first hip hop demo album, which created a little buzz. The track “Burn Out Man” gives you some idea of my disposition at that time – “… tired like Al Green, so motherfucking tired…”. Went on stage a couple of times, self-published my very dark poetry & prose collection “The Back of Beyond”, and finally got my degree in computer science,  despite my minimal enthusiasm.

Then i went to art school, in search of more meaning and happiness, but it just left me more alienated and burnt out, mentally and physically. My health was vastly deteriorating there in Ghent, the fatigue was getting far worse, especially with the heavy workload. I dropped out in the middle of the year and had a few months to make up my mind on what to do next. Had some talks with people but lived as a samurai monk mostly, questioning the whole world, including my own views.

Then, one summer night, my self-searching, meditating, learning and unlearning and becoming more awake culminated into a mind blowing experience that i rapidly minimized and took for granted afterwards. I was convinced though that i could never be depressed again ever.

Moved back home, crazy and confusing period. I really had no idea how bad the physical shape i was actually in. For example: i became singer of a blues rock band for a short while, and i had the biggest difficulty remembering a couple of lyrics, caused by malnutrition and being stressed out all the time.  Just like the story of the  frog getting gradually boiled without noticing anything…
I became even more of a passive observer, dwelling in emptiness, extremely cerebral.

But i kept moving. Day to day survival instead of fully living. Character. Will power. Utterly foolish.
Started applying for a job, continued to write, self-published “Lobotomy Blues”, tried to become a cartoonist for a while, started an experimental comic strip series that got published here and there, eventually got a job in IT.

Finally decided that i should reveal this nausea monster that i had hidden for so long and that i should go see a doctor, consulted a couple of “specialists” who misdiagnosed me and considered me a hypochondriac psychosomatic loon because i did not buy their standard and erroneous diagnoses. My home doctor was of no help either.

So i researched a lot of papers on nutrition, tried all sorts of diets and supplements to get rid of the nausea and fatigue, with mixed and minor results, found out that i am lactose intolerant, moved to a place of my own, had a very brief romantic interlude and lost my virginity at age 27 (to my great relief), began to realize that my experience in Ghent had changed me profoundly, started self-studying eastern wisdom traditions and slowly found some answers. Also began working part time to have some quality of living and take things easy. The energy to take on personal projects was almost never there and my social life turned minimal.

My by then quasi-constant nausea kept drawing me back to physical reality, but apart from that my head was still my home.

Met a girl that i got very close with and was confronted with my being different from the norm. Among other, it began to dawn on me that deep down i had a very feminine nature (adding “qrtee tha funkee lesbian” to my myriad of online aliases) but not seeing the bigger picture. I still felt out of place and vacant, unable to embody the person i believed myself to be. I was making myself less impossible than before, losing my fake macho traits, but there were still unresolved issues…

The time felt right to start writing articles and launched this “ontoscopy 101″ website.

Through my search for a better health i stumbled upon a qi gong course in my hometown and started to practice. Also discovered the related kiko (Japanese form of qi gong) & stretching exercises, and this mindbody work slowly started loosening up my severely cramped up torso and back (due to the recurring nausea and abdominal cramps), albeit partly. It also started to relax my spirit, eliminating the excess masculine baggage that was not really me.

Then, autumn 2010, i met my wonderful girlfriend Nele, and started my first serious intimate relationship. Very enlightening and emotionally confronting for a lifetime loner.

Together we discovered my latent femininity during the summer of 2011. Whereas most other women would have totally freaked out, she has been so very understanding and supportive, and for that i am eternally grateful.
It is generally accepted for a girl to dress like a boy or for a woman to act manly, but for a man to be sensitive and feminine, that is still a big taboo mostly.

Relationship is a mirror, and Nele helped me realize that i had been neglecting and suppressing a fundamental part of my self, that is my femininity. I had adapted so well to people’s expectations and my own limited outlook on how life should be for me that i lost myself along the way. Very painful to find out after all those years.

I started to embrace my androgynous features that i used to loathe before, began experimenting with looks and went shopping across the gender border. For the first time in my life there was a plenitude of clothes to choose from that actually appealed to me and brought out the best in me, which was quite a shock!
I let my hair grow longer than ever before, tried to figure out how important this feminine side of me actually was and started integrating it with my old masculine self. This process is still going on to some degree as i am writing this.

Before you start thinking this all went smoothly, i also experienced many intense moments of self-doubt, considering all the consequences, not wanting to go outside, thinking it is all a bad idea, …, asking myself if this was what i really wanted and needed. The answer always turned out to be yes.
My health was still in shambles though.

Finally, after switching general physicians and thanks to the effort and patience of my new doctor my health problems were taken seriously by the medical staff at the  UZ Brussels hospital (i did get the “you are a psychosomatic waste of our time” response once again at another uni hospital just before that) .

A battery of tests has shown that most of my problems originate from pancreatic insufficiency, most likely due to a mild form of cystic fibrosis that cannot be formally diagnosed (yet). CF, by the way, is a genetic disease that has a broad spectrum of symptoms, not just the deterioration of the lungs that  most people are familiar with. It can affect a whole range of organs & processes.
That was October 2012.

With the help of digestive supplements and by continuing thekiko and stretching exercises and recently adding some specific physiotherapy my system is getting in better shape, slowly but surely.
The daily hours of nausea and forced inactivity are shortening, my energy levels are turning to normal again, my heavily strained back muscles are loosening up (with loads of pain getting released in the process), my posture is improving, my mind and body are getting fully aligned and in balance, i am becoming more productive.

Part 2:
So here i am, version 2.0: in balance, genderfluid, with an open mind, open heart and open arms (and sometimes a push-up bra & 7 inch heels)

Two years have gone by since i allowed this essential part of myself  to flourish. It has not always been easy.  There has been some verbal aggression, bad stares, and other negative reactions, yet also a whole lot of positive ones.

I understand that this can be a shock to people and hard to comprehend at first. I no longer respond to the static image you might have of me, so there is bound to be some confusion, panic and resistance to accept. Plus, all of a sudden people can be faced with their own femininity and sexuality, but those are not my issues.

Even though i am moving more toward the feminine spectrum, i do not identify as a male-to-female trans person but rather as gender fluid, meaning i reside somewhere in between. I do not want to be pigeonholed again and be forced to meet all sorts of unnecessary expectations.
My personality and my physical makeup will always be a strange mix of male and female / masculine and feminine traits.

Truth is, i feel happier, more at ease and in touch with myself nowadays. I feel like i belong more to this world than ever, the person in the mirror is much more in tune with the person inside of me. I am no longer bound by gender limitations to express myself, i can connect much easier with people, and i feel freer than ever.

I am still me, the same person, expressing myself differently, in a form that suits me better. I still have the same interests (i found some new ones though, i must admit:P ). I don’t wear make up and heels all the time. I may choose to adapt a more feminine appearance and behavior more permanently if that is the way to go for me, time will tell, but i will never claim to be a “real woman”, whatever that means. Just like the concept of a “real man”, one may wonder if that exists at all.

Basically, gender is a spectrum, not a dual or binary thing as many continue to believe. Those two F/M boxes are adequate for the multitude, but not for everyone. It is absurd how much the differences between the two genders are emphasized, while there are usually bigger differences among each.
The gender divide is largely an artificial one, reinforcing stereotypes and discrimination. We need to get rid of all that Venus and Mars crap and start treating boys and girls equally instead of segregating them the minute they are born.

Biological sex or genitalia do not define one’s gender. For most people, these correspond, for some it is more complicated.

To me, my gender (identity and expression) work as what i like to call a  “Gestalt feedback loop”, subtly guided by how others perceive me and how i perceive myself.
What i mean by this is the following: beyond a certain threshold of visual (clothing, hairdo, makeup or none, …) , auditory and behavioral cues, one gets perceived as either male, female or androgynous (unable to tell) and this judgment guides and reinforces further interaction. In other words, if i and the people i am with see me as feminine, i react more feminine, and vice versa. And usually a more feminine role is in better accordance with my thoughts and feelings and takes me less energy to engage in the world, on the contrary. My whole being lights up and i simply feel whole and unrestrained.
— I guess we all undergo this mechanism to some degree. Not just gender, other personality traits get influenced this way as well.

I would really appreciate it if people started calling me Sky instead of my masculine  birth name, but i am not expecting any miracles.
As for that matter, i believe everybody should be given the opportunity once to officially have their first name changed without any hassle, no matter what the reason might be.

Furthermore,  i refuse to be viewed or treated as mentally ill just because i don’t fit binary gender expectations. No human being, no expert on this planet has the right or authority to judge or belittle me or tell me what to do, period. The complexity and subtleties of my mindbody and my ongoing life experience cannot be reduced by any theory. Scientists hardly ever have a clue what they are talking about when it comes to trans* people.

I am abnormal (i.e. deviating from the norm or average) in many ways and my life would have been much easier if i weren’t, but we don’t get to choose, right? We all face challenges in our lives and try to make the best of it.
There is no point in revising my childhood and talking about being born in the wrong body. That is not my story, and i am far from alone in this respect. Only, the media solely pay attention to the clichés and the sensation.

On a side note, it should be clear that it is nobody’s business what is going on inside my pants (or anyone else’s pants for that matter), but just to break one cliche image most people have of trans*people, i am not planning on having sexual reassignment surgery.
Undergoing surgery after getting declared pathological by a psychiatrist is the only officially way for trans* people to get acknowledged in Belgium and many other countries right now, but that is not the ideal solution for a large number of individuals. Each has his or her preferred mind-bodily point of comfort.

I am a big proponent of genderless identity cards and official documents. If there is truly equality between people, regardless of their gender and biological sex, there is no longer the need for an assignment of gender. This is 100% feasible.

As the title suggests, there is also a spiritual side to this story.
Through meditation, introspection and self-actualization i have grown into being a person of truth instead of delusion, inner conflict and fear.

There is nothing else i can do but accept my true nature, even it means losing my cis male privileges and the securities i enjoyed up to this moment. I am fully aware of the fact that i am now subject to a lot of scrutiny, criticism and disapproval, but so be it.

Don’t ask me to justify why i am who i am and why i do what i do. Why you are wearing the clothes you choose to wear? Why do you love the people and things you love? …
The predominant views and the “normal”  never get questioned, but they are not all-encompassing.

In my world, words and labels only have limited significance. Looking at reality on a pre-verbal, pre-conceptual level is much more practical and much healthier.

Every one and every “thing” is a process constantly in motion, even if we don’t directly perceive this. However, it can be sensed and lived by paying full attention and dropping all prejudice and mental images. Categorizing has its use in certain domains and in certain situations perhaps, but we should not become slaves to our limited language.

After long consideration i am doing what feels right and most meaningful to me.
I feel like i have lost a lot of time searching for my health and for my true self, but then again my journey has taught me a great deal that i would not have stumbled upon otherwise. And this wisdom i can incorporate into my artwork and teachings.

My health issues and my ignorance no longer define me. In future i want to live my life at my fullest potential.

Some final words

Please do not turn this into a problem, it is not. Not with me at least, on the contrary.
The actual problem is our patriarchal society, with its binary view of gender instead of a plural one,  and the explicit and implicit sexism anywhere you look or go. Femininity is regarded as inferior, with terrible consequences on so many levels.

This is just one of my many sides as a human being. I shall not be pinpointed solely on this issue.
I am in the middle of working out a varied set of projects, ranging from new drawings and comic strips to a couple of slow news/knowledge websites to a seminal no-nonsense book on wholeness and awareness. Check the “antihype” links in the menu on the right to see what it is about, all will be up and running and updated soon.

It is always possible that my pancreas or lungs are going to fail me one day, so i have got no time to waste at all.

One thing is for sure:
WHATEVER HAPPENS, I AM DETERMINED TO GO OUT WITH A BANG!!!

Recommended reading

• “Situations Matter – Understanding how context transforms your world” – Sam Sommers, 2010
• “Gender Outlaws  – the Next Generation” – edited by Kate Bornstein & S. Bear Bergman, 2010
• “Whipping Girl” – Julia Serano, 2007
• “The Farther Reaches of Human Nature” – Abraham Maslow, 1971
• “Evolution’s Rainbow – Diversity, Gender, and Sexuality in Nature and People” – Joan Roughgarden, 2004
• Genres Pluriels
  belgian organization that promotes the visibility of gender fluid, trans’ & intersex people
• Gender Anarchy
• http://conversations-with-a-gender-therapist.com/terminology/
  trans* terminology
• http://junkee.com/flip-it-and-reverse-it-how-to-fight-the-gender-wars/15081
  Is Gender-Flipping The Most Important Meme Ever?
• http://flipthenews.tumblr.com
  This blog takes articles and posts that are in the news and online and flips the gender or race.

Some more food for thought:

Most people associate the word “creativity” solely with artists ( painters, musicians, writers, actors, … ), the “creative segment” of society. Nowadays it is  also widely used in corporate environments, politicians talk about it, schools and academic institutions pretend to promote it, and i am stating that this is a serious reduction of what creativity could be in our lives as a whole.
We barely touch upon the most valuable level of creativity, namely our basic ways of thinking and living.

Modern society and its participants have grown into predominantly rigid structures, into advanced reasoning within very limited frameworks. Every aspect (or so it seems) of the world is handed over to specialists, and these people are supposed to get us out of the mess we’re in, whether it be politicians, economists, teachers, caretakers, nuclear physicists, sociologists, psychologists, brain surgeons, … Nearly everyone is processing heaps of information within his or her field, and is automatically unable to integrate their findings within the greater whole that is the world. Even worse, each  specialist most likely creates new problems in other areas because his or her views and solutions are not in tune  with the rest of the ongoing worldly processes. Looking at the whole is no one’s job and is considered irrelevant, primarily because present-day science sees it that way, since it is also organized in that fragmentary fashion (this might be slowly changing due to certain findings in biology and quantum physics, but these are not seriously considered, since established science is full of dogmas and is for most part an ideological war ).
You could say that religion has or used to have a mission in looking at wholeness, but the institutions have prevented this, focusing on particular beliefs and far too literal interpretations. Structures are much more important than the people at the base, in nearly every organization.

Living in a country where it takes more than a year to reorder political structures and make a new government, while there are so many critical problems facing humanity, this crisis is very apparent. Political, linguistic, cultural, and most of all, psychological barriers make it impossible to act creatively, rationally and intelligently. Worst of all, the nearsightedness is so widespread and ingrained in everyday thought, that we no longer question the idiotic puppetry. And if you ask me, the alarming rate of depressions and suicides is also linked to this cynical, uncreative state of affairs. The conceptual divisions are real-life prisons, and they put a serious toll on each of us.
In reality, everything is connected and interdependent, but most specialists (and hence most of us) still think that problems can be solved separately and independently.

We humans do not see the enormous effects of artificial structures on our lives, but they are very much active and put a lot of strain on our health, our joy and our freedom.
While all children are born with the innate quality of wonder and creative inquiry, most of us lose it somewhere along the road. Usually this comes from the surrounding environment which focuses on order, conformity, earning money, … Of course we need some basic rules to get along, but what i am talking about is usually much more subtle, and it can have all sorts of ramifications. For example, most toddlers lose their natural ability to do full belly breathing and only breathe partially with their chest, which is a far less optimal way, making people more prone to stress, bad circulation, blockages in the abdomen, etc. Most adults don’t know how to breathe freely, fully and efficiently, and similar symptoms can be found manifold in our ways of thinking and living.
The creative potential of mind&body is there, but the more it gets buried under robotic, neurotic and senseless patterns, under tons of junk, the less chances of it springing into action.

Personally, i could be called a renaissance man. While i had a decent scientific education, i also explored various art forms as an adolescent, both as a fan and as a creator.  The expression gave me some comfort and satisfaction, but it did not solve my deep-rooted confusion and discontent.  Eventually, digging deeper into my mind structures and processes,  creatively tackling all sorts of blockages, fluid creativity became my essential, overall way of living. No longer could i put my energy in expressing my persistent emotional hangups and illusions, i had no other option but to creatively observe and act, from moment to moment, and to let go of all personal ambitions. I fully realized that any success would only give me temporary solace. My whole context changed, so the meaning of all things changed. This was a gradual process with some major shifts, and while it must be said that i seriously investigated J. Krishnamurti’s words in the process, creativity is what drove me further, searching for creative ways of developing mindfulness, insight and informal meditation.
The “artistic struggle” attitude that i was once caught in is the same thing as the political game: it implicitly upholds certain artificial structures to which human creativity or decision-making is subordinated  to. In other words, by adopting the existing structures, to achieve and sustain your status as a renown artist or as a popular politician comes first. What is actually created or decided is of lesser importance and does not come from a free mind, but there is the strong illusion that it does. People who truly see this step out of the game, become renegades and hardly get any attention. Every social system reinforces itself. The nonsense, the drama, the intrigues and the quarrels, that’s what is usually shown in the media, so we constantly get the impression that that is all there is, and that that is the way to go.
Anyway, i am still at an artist at heart i guess, next to being a spiritual being and a scientist. The big difference is that the art of living is now my main project, so to speak.

Most people are creative in some aspect of their life, which is part of their joie de vivre: they keep their conversations lively, they surprise their partner, kids or friends, from time to time, they detect and correlate situations and opportunities, they creatively deal with difficult circumstances, whether these are emotional, physical, financial, professional, or of some other sort.
At the same time, on the darker side of the spectrum, people can be very cunning and inventive at manipulating or hurting others, evading taxes, … Of course, that is partial, fragmented creativity, but still it takes the energy and action to look at things from another perspective, and to create new ways, new plans in reaction to a problem. This is also the reason why people feel so alive when they start scheming, creativity is an important trait.

I am not saying that it is wrong for artists to pursue their goals, as it is for many a way of coping with personal issues or to create new perspectives on things, out of necessity. I just want to make clear that the creative energy that is put into paintings, music, literature, poetry, cinema, philosophy, the whole entertainment business,…, is limited and can lead to more misery. It definitely has its place, and it can be very inspiring and show some of the highest things our mindbodies are capable of, and it is just fun to do or watch.
Also, scientists, politicians and all the other professionals  have an important, creative role to fulfill. The key is to keep integrating each domain into the bigger whole, as a movement, instead of working on rivaling, wasteful, short term projects.

Creative change is the only constant in the universe. Darwinists and creationists aside, history continues to show us that everything keeps on changing, that nature will confront us with problems and challenges that we have never encountered before, that black swans (unexpected events with large impact, e.g.  the 9/11 attacks, tsunamis, nuclear disasters, …) will continue popping up. And this we simply cannot control with any structure. In most cases, our existing organizations and other structures cannot cope with large changes, because they are too big and too rigid to adapt to new and challenging situations. If our species really wants to survive, we shall have to implement processes and structures that closely resemble those found in nature, by closely examining the ecosystem as a whole. It is easy to be innovative in a narrow context and to neglect all the negative side-effects that it entails. This is why creativity has to be one of our main focuses on any level, without any disconnect with our bodies, our environment, the physical world. A perpetual cycle of creative renewal, of living and dying, on all levels.
This also means that learning never stops, and that learning is more than accumulating knowledge from the past. It is also about observing changes and intelligently adapting to them.

We are living in a world where short-sightedness is rewarded, not only in the financial industry but everywhere – don’t look to deep or far ahead, don’t worry about the future of your children – as if the mess will one day miraculously dissolve itself after we have made some superficial changes.
The deeper dimension of relating and connecting the dots, which can be considered spiritual or “religious”, is hardly ever addressed, especially in modern times where everything needs to be evaluated by numbers, concrete results, productivity, efficiency. It systematically gets ignored, because no explicit value is given to the more subtle aspects of the living conditions on this earth. Economic growth has become the world’s number one religion, and poor and rich are trapped in that largely uncreative, robotic rat race towards material wealth. Surely we are going to need more than so-called green cars and solar panels to start co-creating with nature instead of creatively destroying it, no?
After all, nature is the master-creator and the main factor of our economy, she is the most advanced, most energy efficient, produces zero waste, but who is willing to admit this and bring it into account?
Creativity cannot be measured, it cannot be put in statistics, and it is never rewarded if it severely challenges existing structures. When a company or university claims to be creative, they are always tuned in to the present system, with a little freedom to modify things here and there. Nowhere are children or students encouraged to deeply question everything, since that is far too dangerous for every person or organization that has become established.
Mediocrity reigns supreme, but PR managers and marketeers successfully implant the illusion of the opposite.

The ultimate and most precious form of creativity lies in being open, flexible and intelligent as a human being, to have a deep understanding of life and death and everything in between. This creative transformation is the only solid basis to approach our surroundings.
Profound insight into one’s nature, into human nature, is ultimately a creative act, because the seeing immediately changes the internal structures, you cannot separate the two.

All is one. You cannot make the world healthy if you are not moving towards being healthyyourself as a flexible, creative mindbody, just like you can’t be healthy in a unhealthy world.You cannot intelligently lead a government or do politics if you are unable to grasp the essence of your own psycho-physical organism and if you are living as a limited machine, resorting to fragmentary scientific studies and views. You cannot find complete, stable  joy and peace of mind if your happiness depends on good luck and arbitrary conditions. Most people are not even aware of this possibility, and their conditioning gets strengthened by all the petty psycho-sociological research that focuses on mechanical, copycat behavior. People feel comforted to read that most other people are just as rigid and messed up as they are. It should be obvious though: the more you cling to structure(s) and narrow down your views, the duller and more lifeless you become. Robot see, robot do.
Freedom is to be found in creative response to your present restrictions, not in prefabricated choices.

First i was going to end this post with the opening statement on my personal website, but i hate to repeat myself. Also, this meditation turned out very different from what i had in mind, turning to nature and the human imbalance towards partial and non-creativity. However, that is what true creativity is all about: to let go of all expectations, fears and restraints, with your whole being, and to ride that invisible wave the best you can, wherever it takes you.

 

Since there have been no new meditations on this website since April, one might think that the ontoscopy project is bleeding to death. On the contrary, there is new stuff in the pipeline. I have not written anything substantial for a number of reasons, which i shall now point out.

NOTE: this post contains little practical information, so you can skip this one if you are not interested in the unfolding/developing of my ideas. And i apologize for repeating certain things, somehow i found no other way to write this one.

1. Basic coherence

The most important reason of my silence has to do with quality control and self-criticism. I am setting high standards for myself before finalizing anything on paper or digitally.
I think it is necessary to start with a coherent entry-level theory, which will of course still grow and unfold over time. My texts thus far have been fairly consistent, but there are a lot of implicit notions that i would like to address more explicitly in the future.
A quick example. Some time ago i came to realize, through reading Yasuo Yuasa and practicing kiko (Japanese qi gong), that i had verbally neglected the importance of the unconscious and mindbody integration.

It would be utterly foolish and arrogant of me to assume that i understand all that can be observed and understood.  I do have the impression that, thanks to my open, creative, scientific, artistic and spiritual way of thinking and living, i can see many aspects of life and the world with a fairly disillusioned view. I have come to a reasonably deep understanding of myself and the nature of thought. With that in mind, i assume that i am able to lay down the basis for an organically growing, wholesome world view.

Also, i continue doing my very best to be as comprehensible as possible to a wide audience, without resorting to oversimplifications or  omitting essential parts. I have no affiliations but the authors that sound most reasonable to me, i have no agendas to protect, no people to please, no people to fear, and that is a serious advantage for both me and my seven and a half readers.

2. Religious/spiritual roots

Anyone with an open and critical mind will find that a lot of religions/spiritual frameworks are in fact talking about the same thing(s) and no-thing, albeit with varying constructs and metaphors. While i am absolutely not intending to quote the bible or any other holy book, as some popular authors love to do, i do like to refer to the essence of some wisdom traditions, especially taoism, zen-buddhism and buddhism, the most adult systems out there.
I am quite certain that a lot of wisdom is enclosed in any religion, even islam and catholicism. The only problem being that to get to the essence, one is forced to identify with all sorts of things, to submit to authority, and that one has to go through a lot of confusion and false leads.

My experience is that it is possible to bypass a lot of that, with a minimum of external authority, and i propose that it should be possible to describe this sort of path in more efficient and non-divisive ways. Most people get caught in the words, imagery,  rituals and imposed rules of tradition, and never go beyond these largely dead and superficial aspects.
And i continue to emphasize that practice, insight practice applied to day-to-day living most definitely, is of utmost importance.
Knowledge is a means, not an end, and the proof of the pudding is in what you are doing with your life and that of others.

3. Scientific basis and correspondence

Any theory is just a way of looking at things, of focusing on certain aspects of a bigger whole. This means that the theory you adapt to has a major influence on your way of thinking and living. Some people have told me: “Why bother with all that theoretical drivel? We just need to remember that everything is in fact one whole”. That is true of course, to a certain extent, but as long as mainstream views are so fragmented, such a remark remains largely wishful thinking.

In order to talk about the nature of consciousness and the nature of nature, i deem it necessary to have a basic knowledge of the state-of-the-art of modern science, even if i am not explicitly referring to this or that author. There must be some ground of truth that has to hold from any specialized point of view. In other words: i am not basing my views from scratch, they are the result of serious proof-based relating and meditating, not of new age referencing and fantasizing, to form a sensible ontology.
Lately i have been examining the ideas of quantum physics, not to recuperate them and abuse them as in many wacky new age theories, but simply to incorporate these in this shared view of wholeness.

In short, i have been thoroughly looking at the mind/body / mind/matter problem, the concepts of space and time, life and death, and most important of all, the concepts of information and meaning.

In quantum physics, information, or “subtle energy” as it is usually called, may be playing an active role throughout the universe, encoded throughout the whole, instead of being just a man-made tool with which we describe nature. The eastern concepts of ki/qi/chi and prana, among other, also point to this notion of “active information”.
Then there is also the related taboo of psi phenomena – telepathy, precognition, OBE’s, … – which deserve some attention. These could very well be important clues to look beyond the current reductionist models of consciousness (and the traditional views in physics & biology).

Furthermore, our application of objective/subjective man-made information as accumulated human knowledge is the key when it comes to working out wholesome approaches to most of civilization’s problems. After all, this website is also another pile of info. Unfortunately, the huge amounts of disinformation that we get to process via all media channels could forever disable our potential to get out of the mess we have created as a species.
Suppose you’d have a number of people who have a fairly unbiased and undistorted view of reality, why would anybody pay attention to them at all? That alone is a tremendous challenge which seems almost impossible to overcome. Our main problem is no longer finding the right information, it is overshadowed by the bullshit overload.

4. Unambiguous terminology

What also concerns me is to adapt and set up an unambiguous and clear language with sufficient nuances and refinement. One of the big problems in spiritual frameworks and consciousness research is the inconsistent use of a lot of concepts. “Mind”, “thought”, “meditation”, …, can mean many different things to different people.
There is no ideal solution, especially when integrating different fields, but at least i am very attentive about this and i am trying to make some useful suggestions.

5. Breaking the taboo

A great deal of effort is aimed at offering a reasonable alternative to the dogmatic mindsets of both die-hard atheists and extremist religious people driven by literal, unwholesome interpretations.
I myself have always been a very skeptical person, and on my path i have had to overcome a series of societal and personal dogmas. Most people, no matter what background, are afraid to go there, to question their whole system of thought. And what is more, this is certainly not encouraged in any society or education system. With the right attitude, the right pointers, a fair amount of perseverance, and a bit of luck, it is possible to get to a wholesome way of thinking and living, of embodying an integration of the best of east and west, without any belief at all.
This is extremely important to stress i think, because both modern science and contemporary religion are inadequate in handling the challenges that face humanity. It seems as if most scholars and even the majority of people think that science has tackled all the important issues, that technology will solve all of our problems, either with or without the help of religion. It is all about specialization and reorganization of existing structures, while the advancement of psychological understanding is reduced to research of (material) brain mechanisms.
The objectivesubjective life of deep understanding as a third option needs to be taken seriously, more than ever.

6. The common reasons

And finally, the fact that  i still have a halftime job and other interests and activities, and that i can be very lazy have also delayed my writing.
All in all i have made quite some progress this year. Once i have plunged through my pile of critical books and scientific papers, my output will go up again, and i will also be working towards a book that is slowly getting shape (it will still take 5 or 10 years i guess).

I should also mention that i have been doing some tweaking of this website in the background, adding references and general information, which is still in progress. Check the above menu to navigate through them.

To end this boring explanatory intermezzo, i would like to thank all the people who have given me input thus far, and i encourage everyone to do likewise. It means a lot to me (and in return a lot to you too perhaps).
Consciousness is a participatory process, the process of relating, we tend to forget that.
In fact, “con-scire” means “to know together”.

ONE!

There are still a lot of common concepts that science cannot properly explain up to this day. “Time” and “consciousness” are perhaps the most intriguing, and i doubt if we’ll ever get to fully explain them. At the same time i also feel that it does not matter that much, because i don’t think an explanation would radically affect our way of living and thinking. The same can be said about the concept of “insight”, something we all have experienced but which is rarely explicitly addressed.

Yet it is extremely important, since it can (re)shape our lives in a more wholesome manner, contrary to all artificial restrictions, traditions and limited views mankind has constructed throughout the centuries.
So the reason i bring on the subject is to point out the possibility of change inside our minds. The better we understand insight, the better we may become at letting it in/making it happen.

What is insight?
There are the famous examples of Archimedes in his bath, Newton and the falling apple and Buddha under the Bodhi tree. Where did their changes in vision come from?
For starters, insight can not be really called a thing. It must be some sort of action, a process, that takes very little to no time to operate. Different interpretations may be given according to the context, such as a divine intervention for example, but that is not the road we want to go. I shall try to keep this meditation as objective as possible.
Is it the energy of truth bringing more coherence to the mind, reshaping reality? Is it the available, total inner and outer intelligence in-forming the mind? Is it simply information acting upon the brain?
In any case, it is my understanding that any insight, as small as it may be, can potentially affect the whole content of the mind. To go even further, it can affect the whole of collective consciousness. I could go into the theories of memes and “active information”, but that is not really relevant here.
Insight is most certainly not an addition of knowledge to memory. It may lead to that, and it may be triggered by pieces of information, but the flash itself appears to be a re-ordering of information, the creation of new connections between existing connections, disposing of all the irrelevance and delusion that was present before.

My first experience of profound insight goes back to when i was 7 or 8 years old. The ingenuity of a diagram depicting the natural cycle of water (sea – evaporation – clouds – rain – …)  struck me very deeply, it changed my whole world view. Even to this day i would say it is one of the most important things i have learned as a human being. It may only be a piece of scientific information, but its implications are huge, and the principle can be extended to all ways of nature, including human nature. The diagram shows that there are no closed, separate systems on earth. Each part affects the whole and vice versa, whether we realize and/or like that or not. But i am digressing.

In information science, insight could be seen as nature’s garbage collection of the mind processes, and as the recognition of patterns inside one’s own representation system, which leads to a reconfiguration of the existing brain patterns. From my point of view, only a human biocomputer is capable to get this job done, thanks to its complexity and its plasticity, its flexibility as a living organism.
There is still much mystery surrounding this aspect of life. To my knowing only some neurological research has been done on insight within subjects trying to solve some particular puzzles. I assume that it is extremely difficult to get useful information via brain scans about something that happens in a fraction of a second. That’s a scientist’s concern of course. Anyone with an open mind can explore the nature of insight within him- or herself and discover its significance.
The million dollar question is: what are the best conditions and practices to get insight to happen?

In many traditions, self-knowledge and insight get distorted and even blocked by introducing interpretations and unnecessary imagery, disfiguring the potential of seeing one’s true nature, even in buddhism. However, on the underlying plus side, meditation, contemplation, is the central activity to bring about insight, sometimes aided by forms of questioning such as Zen koans, which force the mind to break free from conventional thinking.
Observation, inquiry and open-mindedness are probably the three key actions to see through things, eventually and most likely leading to the radical “point-of-no-return”, the big psychological insight called enlightenment. However, we human beings are very inefficient at clearing the way to get there, partly because we are still caught in old beliefs and interpretations and cannot and will not ever really “know” what it is, and partly because very few people are sincerely investigating these matters.
If religion has any relevance left today, it should be centered on this question of insight, and not on the interpretation of ancient metaphors, its influence on politics and society or the inevitable corruption of its institutions.

Only by dropping or seriously questioning the existing framework of thinking can the creative process of insight act upon/act within the mind. You cannot actively trigger it. You can create the right circumstances, that’s all.
One may argue that self-deception operates in the exact same way. It is well-known that, despite their important contributions, many scientific and mystic geniuses were attracted to far-out, esoteric nonsense, because of their extraordinary curiosity and open-mindedness, not wanting to lose time by being too skeptical. The same applies to many well-educated people who are not satisfied with the limits and half-truths of traditional medicine, for example. This is a possible downside of open-mindedness.
So how does one recognize true insight from false insight or deception? From my perspective, you can never really be 100% sure, but a mind that is moving towards sanity becomes much more sensitive and healthy, so that it becomes better at discerning true from false. It is the same with the body. Once you drop some bad habit, you will feel the difference. Time is the ultimate judge.
A true insight stays forever, whether it is the simple understanding of a fact or whether it is a deep understanding of life beyond language, of seeing the validity of certain questions and to live the answer instead of desiring certainty.
The path to insight is also a matter of trust in oneself, of connecting with trustworthy, sincere people, and not to be afraid of making mistakes.

Probably some of the people reading this will be distressed by the fear that opening up the mind can lead to the letting in of doubt and insecurity, and of “evil” thoughts, in extremis “to be possessed by demons”. As protection mechanism, most of us have this automatic judge/thought police built in, labeling certain thoughts as bad and others as good, in the belief that this is the only way to remain sane and morally stable. This robotic behavior works for the multitude, but it can become a serious mental problem and it is most definitely a grave limitation of one’s personal growth.
It can indeed be a big step to take to abandon the certainty of second-hand knowledge, especially if you’re an intellectual person, and to confide in one’s own intelligence, openness and potential for insight.
It is clear that highly neurotic and anxious people first have to get themselves straight before plunging into deep questions. Most people who sufficiently know themselves are capable of telling whether they are ready or not to move beyond the intellect.
Rest assured though, insight is a natural process, so there is no need to be afraid. Your mind will flee when the uncertainty gets too much anyway, there are millions of ways to close off and distract yourself.

Insight is the key to the further maturing of intelligence.
We may think that our species has already evolved very far, but psychologically most us know very little about our selves and our relationship with the world. As long as we put all our energy into more knowledge and scientific insight, and as long as we continue to bypass the black box that is our mind, the black box that is doing all these wonderful and dreadful things throughout the world, humanity is doomed to disappear, because we fail to see the self-destruction, pretending the black box is not there and imagining that our thoughts and actions have little to no impact on our surroundings and the planet as a whole.

Serious observation, meditation and openness are three things that are not rewarded by society (in the end, they reward themselves, but rarely can they totally flourish in a person – no (wo)man is an island).
In many places on this earth there is not even the luxury to get into these matters because of famine, poverty, political oppression, …
It is up to us in the “free countries” to decide  if we continue the same old games of superficial change or if we are finally going to start to change the whole game from within, to drop all meaningless pursuits and fully engage into healthy living.
The planet can do perfectly without us humans, that is for sure, but how will we explain that to our children? Are we going to keep ourselves blind from our stupidity and continue all the nonsense or are we going to get to the essence and start focusing on insight, not sporadically or casually, but together, here and now, on all levels?

Nothing is impossible, it just hasn’t happened yet.

Here are some comments on a couple of popular slogans within contemporary spiritual circles, namely the ideas that “you are not your thoughts”, that “identification with form is wrong”, and that “all thinking is evil”. There might be differences in interpreting these words, but something is implicitly missing or not quite right with these statements.
In contrast to many others, i refuse to speak about life in absolute terms because we are all living in the relative world, and because i do not believe that any human being is able to reach or embody or represent the absolute within space and time.

It is time for a lot of people to sober up and face the facts instead of reciting crazy fantasies and beautiful second-hand ideas.

First of all, let’s point out the two important concepts here: self and self-image or identity. The definition of identity could be formulated as “anything the self identifies with”, literally anything it considers to be “the same entity”. Various neuroscientific experiments show us that the “self” cannot be located or restricted, that it is probably just a byproduct, a phenomenon of consciousness, some even say it does not exist, that it is totally made up ₍₁₎. This sort of statements is true in some way, in the objective context, but not from a practical point of view.
As we grow up we develop a sense of self, and while it is obvious that this can become very problematic, from ordinary psychological suffering to a whole range of mental disorders, i don’t think it is possible to throw it out the window just like that. It may change gradually or dramatically, you can dissociate and identify solely with something you call “Self”, “Awareness”, “Being”, “I am-ness”, which is utterly foolish, you can influence and play with it an many ways, however i don’t think we can live without it. I went very deeply into this matter years ago and i saw it can’t be done, or at least, that it is not a sane thing to do.

The self is of course an image, an appearance (not necessarily an illusion, as explained below), but without it we would not have any stability or direction in life. We would not be able to learn, to mature, etc. This is not so hard to see i suppose.
It gets much trickier to realize that we are all locked into the representation system of the brain: our mind can be seen as a sort of “Matrix” (as in the blockbuster movie yes, which is in fact loosely based on G.I. Gurdjieff’s teachings), as a virtual reality generator of the world, including our “selves”. We don’t really see the world, we see our representation of the world, distorted, fragmentary and biased. Our mind tricks us to believe that the images it builds up are correct, complete and objective, that’s all ₍₂₎.

There is the largely untapped potential of looking at something more directly, with childlike innocence, fresh and non-judgmental, but there will still be some unconscious processing going on before the signals become consciously aware within you. You are the processing and the interpretation of the signals. The moment you fully come to see this, to realize how your mind constantly deceives you, that there is an unbound self without the known (no-self?), not as an intellectual fact but directly, as it operates in realtime, including all its implications, the whole perception changes, but you will still be stuck in your mind and body.
The point is: within time it is impossible to get out of your “Matrix”, out of your consciousness, out of the essential ways of the world. You may dream or imagine that you can fly, that you are totally independent from others, that you will save humanity, but the underlying truth will hit hard sooner or later. In case of subtler fantasies, it is much more difficult to face the truth. Most of us are total experts in trapping ourselves in stories, illusions, especially the very negative and depressing ones. In these situations the letting in of truth can be an overwhelmingly liberating experience.

Even if you are able to be highly awake, you can only be aware of a very small part of what is going on, since our system is constantly filtering things out. When you are focused on something, everything else drops to the background. People who have gone more deeply into the matter will say: that would mean we are all eternally trapped inside our realities, without any chance of getting free!?
Well yes indeed, partly at least, but could it not be very likely that, since every thing is one, the wholeness or emptiness can be “found” or “sensed” in every part, including our brains and minds? Consciousness can be seen as an electric field, a process, that is part of or connected to our mind-body process or energy field, which in return cannot be separated from the other processes going on in the universe.
We are all part of this big ongoing mystery, and supposing everything resonates, it is only a matter of not resisting, of opening up the mind, to tune into the aliveness of this mystery.
We can all come to realize that our reality is not the ground, not the essential truth, which is infinitely greater and cannot be grasped, only conceptualized. Even hardcore atheists and cannot deny the existence of something (nothingness?) that can’t be explained. Well, okay, they can, they have the right to feel independent and isolated of course.

Each one of us is bound by a whole lot of determinism, by natural laws and natural cycles. There is no escaping this. Most of us are also largely determined by our personal past and the surrounding culture, and from that we can break away. It is however much easier to conform to society, to cling to a fixed identity, to act and react according to existing patterns, and not to question the whole system.
Much of the past only lives on through images, through knowledge, but it still has relevance. It is ingrained in your mind ₍₃₎, in your body, in your behavior, in the state of the world as it is right now. As the memory function of the brain cannot be separated from the rest of your consciousness, it is silly to think that you can actually be free from the past by discarding or ignoring it. There is no other way than to be more aware of the whole, to discern illusion from that which still holds true, that which is an actual representation of a fact, a worldly fact. As the saying goes: “The truth can and will set you free”.

There is even more to it. There is also the unconscious part of the mind, your many “I”‘s or subselves, your inhibitions, your instincts, … Unless you discover more about yourself, exploring the depths of your mind-body, you will remain largely stuck, controlled by invisible parts of your past. The whole idea of freedom, of free will, becomes laughable in this respect.

It might seem harsh, but you could state that many of us live as robots, not aware of our programmed minds, caught in a web of beliefs and unnecessary restrictions, with many blind spots and mechanisms to stick to what is known and not to ask any deeper questions. Emotional reactions or other behavior can be totally automatic, and many people do not become aware of this unless there is a serious breakdown, or a social malfunction.

We should keep in mind that total unlearning and unconditioning is another fantasy of the absolute, but you can take it very far if you want to.

Ultimately, reality may merely be a construction of the mind, and probably there is only the emptiness of the here and now. How far will that insight take you? How are you to face the “unreal” problems of the world, your own problems, those of your loved ones, …? What about your fears and desires?
Since it is impossible to tackle the whole all at once, the most urgent question is: “Where do i go from here?”
We usually don’t see that all is included in the here and now: both the past and the future lie within it – the actual, the factual, the non-factual, the desired, the most feared, the probable, the most likely, the impossible, …, and, most important of all: the unknown.
Confusion can only fade or disappear by seeing through the whole of thought, both the personal and collective, by being very skeptical, by holding anything to the light of your own intelligence and seeing whether it is illusory or not. Active thinking and actively and passively observing, meditation in action, is indispensable to become more integrated and aware. Only by embracing and coming clean with your past and integrating all parts will you find peace within yourself. No magical trick, state of enlightenment, divine intervention or whatnot will do that for you.

Aside from the above reflections, is it actually possible in this world to live without any identity, without any self-image? How would you communicate? How would you make a living? How would you relate to people? How would you survive without a sense of self?
Stating that “all identification with form is wrong or unhealthy” would mean you cannot listen to music, watch movies, read books, or even have a decent conversation, because you can only connect with something or someone by identifying. Correct me if i am wrong!
The moment you start clinging to the image(s) is when the trouble begins. An example: suppose you like listening to classical music. Even if you did not care at all about your self-image, this would still be part of your identity, something you feel connected with. The liking gets stored anyway. This does not mean that you are attached to the music or the composer. Attachment and identification are two separate mechanisms.
As long as identity is not exclusive, and more of a question than an answer, i don’t see any problem. See for yourself, go into it, see what is happening.

You are your mind. You are your thoughts. You are you body. But you are also more, potentially much more and less than that. You are the world. You are a process. The more you get in touch with the truth of things, the more you open yourself up and allow insight to come about, thought changes, your reality changes, you change.
Only in a state of freely thinking, of seeing and not judging, not knowing, can there be space to allow the energy that keeps your reality accurate and actual, up-to-date.
Meditation has no end-goal, it is it own means and end. It is our only tool to live in a truth-based reality instead of an illusion-based one.

Whether we like it or not, no matter what, we are all trapped in reality. The liberation from psychological suffering lies in looking deeper and beyond, in opening up to a larger perspective. The question of self and identity cannot be solved, is not to be solved.
Being aware of oneself, of one’s images, of the facts, being open to the changing nature of all things, is the key to change, to act intelligently, to be free from choice, free from illusion.
That is the one and only freedom, the true meaning of being fully awake and alive.

(1) cfr. “The Ego Tunnel” by Thomas Metzinger (haven’t read it myself though)
(2) to learn more about this, read Charles Tart’s “Waking Up” or “States of Consciousness”, for example
(3) “Synaptic Self – How our brains become who we are” by Joseph LeDoux gives an excellent overview of how self emerges and persists through the whole brain system of neurological functions and interactions

NOTICE from the author: this was written in 02010(!) and my views and factual knowledge have somewhat changed since then. I’m leaving it up for now (02020.07) but I might change my mind after thoroughly re-reading…  
During the past century, a relatively small number of highly insightful books have been published among the gigantic piles of senseless information and other bullshit. One of the most comprehensive texts is without a doubt “Thought as a System”, by David Bohm,  which brings together his theories of wholeness & implicate order and the essence of his dialogues with J. Krishnamurti. Since i somehow overlooked the importance of this highly underrated quantum physicist slash critical thinker in my last post, this is a little tribute.

And for the last time i am exposing some essential parts of my personal history to explain where i am coming from and what i am aiming at (after this one, no more exhibitionism or story telling, i don’t see the point).
You may wonder: what’s the link between the two? Well, noticing how very little interest people show(ed) for what Bohm had to say raises some serious questions and doubts about my own endeavors and where we are (not) going.

It is peculiar how i failed to recognize the impact of David Bohm’s words during his conversations with K. (cfr. “The Limits of Thought”, “The Ending of Time”, “The Future of Humanity”). He kept himself in the background, hesitating, always leaving the final word to Krishnamurti. He did steer things though, trying to get something “useful” out of the circular mystical answers. Only recently did i finally start reading his ideas on wholeness and the nature of thought, and i was surprised, because they very much resonate with what i am trying to convey. “Thought as a System” is a masterpiece in my opinion. It may only be a redacted transcript of a weekend of questions and answers among friends and colleagues, with its consequent shortcomings, but i do not know of a book that deals with thought in a more clear and concise way. Maybe Charles Tart gets very close as well. It is far from complete, but it highlights most crucial of  errors or illusions in collective and individual thought, in only 240 pages. The difficulty is to help it get understood, to get it all across without falling back into the old traps of thought. The main point of the book is this: how can insight and creativity come about when there is all this confusion going on, both consciously and unconsciously, inside and outside? How can one become aware of thought’s deceptions and become free from all that, free from the past, and face the unknown? Bohm proposes the concept of “proprioception of thought“, which comes down to thought being aware of itself, just like one can be aware both consciously and unconsciously of his own body and movements with “classic proprioception”.In other words: no method, only permanent alertness, awareness, observation. Ontoscopy, yes sirree. Maybe “holoproprioception” would be a better term, but that sounds even more complicated i suppose.

Bohm’s seemingly outlandish physical theories of wholeness, his political stances and his inquiries into mysticism made it very simple for the establishment to ridicule him and neglect his contributions. Time will tell if it remains that way or not.
Are there any noteworthy scientists alive today that try to study the whole instead of focusing on a little fragment of reality? In the study of consciousness, nearly all energy is put into scientific research of other people’s brains and philosophical theories. The past centuries, there have been tremendous insights into the exterior world, giving rise to most of the scientific branches we have today. The past decades, there have been tremendous insights into the functioning of our minds and our consciousness, but these are all “external” looks the inside, no insights from the inside concerning the whole. Okay, there is some research being done on the effects of longtime meditation and mindfulness, and tons of data are coming out of all these and other studies, but who is putting this knowledge into action?
And with all due respect, but from what i have read and heard about mindfulness, it is primarily a series of methods to calm the mind, to have a few insights into life here and there. I can’t help but find most of the contemporary efforts superficial, not really addressing the deeper problems of our way of living and thinking. There is a lot of compromise and superficiality within 99% of the available teachings (if i am wrong on this, please correct me).
We should realize that science will never succeed at explaining the inner ways of the mind, as the observer cannot be separated from the observed in this case. The growing evidence of great plasticity of the mind and brain should only encourage people to look further and consider the possibility of radically transforming their way of thinking and doing, from within.
It can happen.

The last few months i personally have been somewhat trying to reverse engineer my own path to radical change, and i must say that, at this moment, seeing how predecessors such as Bohm have been set aside, i am less confident in continuing this thing i am doing right here. I begin to wonder if it really amounts to anything, as it diametrically opposes most of what society stands for.  At the same time i know that there is not really anything else i can or will do, because nothing feels more urgent than this, but still… Maybe it’s just a phase i have to go through, i don’t know. It takes time to become a good “teacher”, to integrate all the pieces into a complete whole, and sometimes i lose patience, not acknowledging the necessity of the deepening process, of further meditation. To me this is serious business, and it involves a lot of responsibility, even if there is nobody around to correct me.
In retrospect, i guess a somewhat extraordinary combination of events and DNA has brought me to where i am now. I’ll try to recapitulate in a nutshell.
Not long after i went to university i started to discover the problems of adult life, on many scales, and somehow my inward rebellion and anger pushed me further to get to “truth”, what’s really real.
My intelligence is above average, and i have always felt somewhat an outsider, partly due to that i suppose. To make things worse, the repeated rejections by a number of girls made loneliness my main course for many years. This resulted in two booklets full angry, dark poems and prose, dissecting my own faults and pains and desires and the hypocrisy of the surrounding world. Maybe i got caught in a self-fulfilling reality from time to time, but the alienation was not really a choice to my knowing. Also, the realization that i had lost nearly all interest in my studies (IT), the effects of my weak digestive system and not having any worthwhile perspectives made my frustration rise sky high. Probably that has been a blessing in disguise, as i did not want to settle for anything less than the truth, and since my needs were never met, the fire of discontent kept burning strongly. I stayed off booze and other drugs, i did consume a lot of sugar,  TV (praise is due to Seinfeld) and porn. Maybe i would have been diagnosed as “depressed”, i’ll never know, i refused to fall back into some sort of compromise, of being distracted from all the issues that were bothering me. I continued to do my thing, i wrote, i drew, i made music, got onstage a few times, i met people, …, i got my degree, i moved on,  i pushed my limits and undid a lot of my inhibitions, but the blues stayed with me. And i watched it, watching myself and the world vigorously.
After these 4 or 5 years of wanting to get rid of my loneliness, a whole lot of questioning in all directions, trying to bring myself to complete integrity, reading some insightful texts (including J.K. and Bohm of course, but no traditional “spiritual” literature), and a short adventure at art college, i finally started to cut through the whole of my confusion and eventually everything changed forever at one point: gone were the artistic aspirations and gone were the deepest pains of loneliness. I was very skeptical at the time, brushing it off as a temporary thing that had happened. I somehow knew it was wrong to interpret in any way. It was as if i no longer consciously clung to anything, and gone were all inner conflicts and worries (in retrospect, i should say most of them). It felt so amazing, too good to be true, that i didn’t even write it down in my journal. I only proclaimed to my closest friends that i literally knew that i “would never be depressed again”. Things progressed further a year or two afterward and it was only then that i realized the significance of what had changed in me. My life would never be the same again. (see FAQ for a little more info)

This brings me back to the difficulty of what i am trying to say.  I don’t know how much it takes for someone else to get to the same point, should they want to go there. On one hand, during those years i had the luxury few people have: a whole lot of solitude and time to think (i wasted most of the time though), but on the other hand, it is really a matter of not wasting time, of asking the right questions and seeing a lot of harmful patterns. I don’t think it has much to do with IQ or intellectual capacity, on the contrary. The smarter you are, the better your mind is at fooling yourself, at escaping in endless analysis and hiding behind tons of old and incoming knowledge. In the end, to get to the root of your suffering is somewhat a “battle” against yourself, against your wrong ways of thinking and seeing.
I have been my own teacher more or less throughout, and perhaps that is the safest way, to not lean on somebody else’s authority and to question everything, with the danger of getting totally lost of course. Maybe it would have helped if i had more “illusion cutting tools” at my disposal, it’s a tricky affair. Maybe now there is your potential “advantage” of me helping you cut away some of the confusion that still exists and is very much alive, but i could also involuntarily add to your confusion. Tricky indeed.

The whole “E” thing is not so perfect or lovely as most people fantasize it to be. I would never want to go back to my days of blindness, that’s for sure, but  it is not so easy to position myself in society, for example. If i can’t get to share my insights – not the words, but the underlying truth – what is their meaning, what’s the use? Meaning only has real meaning when it is shared among a group of people, or am i missing something here? This is a serious question i am meditating over.
And in the end, i am still the outsider, maybe more than ever before, who still moves in solitude most of the time, and who still gets lonely every now and then. It is strange, the distance between me and people has never been further and it has never been closer.
I don’t buy the permanent happy buddha selfless doubtless mind state crap. It is all too easy to let all your feelings go, to ignore the facts and adhere to some self-aggrandizing belief.  Facts remain facts, flesh and blood is flesh and blood.  There is always some meaning to be found behind personal unease or worry, even in a messed up society. Oh well… We’ll see where it takes us. The doing is the seeing, to paraphrase an old friend i have never met.

Whether or not Bohm went beyond the “point of no return” does not matter, really. He had a very clear view on what is fundamentally going wrong with the mainstream way of thinking and acting. Rumor goes that K. got tired of Bohm because he did not “get it” and did not see through the whole thing, but from my point of view that is not essential. He was looking and moving in the right direction, and that is already a huge step to take, considering the immense outward and inward pressure not to do so.

Nowadays a lot of people are saying that human consciousness is changing at last. I have my doubts about that. It is not because we have become more aware of our environmental problems that we have suddenly turned or will turn to the root cause: the dangerous  inconsistencies and blind reflexes in human thought. The danger of constantly living, thinking and communicating in images and not being aware of this and the underlying realities and truth.
As long as collective thought, which is corrupted in so many ways, weighs so heavily on all facets of our daily lives, and as long as there are not enough sincere voices that point out the incoherence, without getting into fluffy spiritual nonsense and beliefs, the chances of people getting free is around zero to none.

NOTICE 07.02020: This was written in 02009 , my viewpoints may have evolved significantly :).
For a long time, i thought of keeping the following information to myself.
After a close second look, i figured it would be better to throw it all out and get it over with, even though this may lead to some controversy and misunderstanding.

The people who are familiar with the teachings of Jiddu Krishnamurti clearly see a lot of similarities between his and mine, and that is not a coincidence.
The fact: reading and listening to J. Krishnamurti’s words helped me a great deal in getting insight into my own life and the world as it is, despite some of his outdated and downright wrong views.

Frankly, most of Krishnamurti’s discourses still stand today and i have no intention of repeating, recuperating or reinterpreting them, but there is still a lot to dig deeper into, to clarify, and to reformulate in the context of today’s affairs. Sometimes i think we’re not far from “Krishnamurtism” being established by the people who continue to preserve and republish his teachings all over the world. I find it very disturbing and kind of sad that apparently nobody set forth his work like i am doing, or rather, trying to do. Either nobody bothered to get dirty and/or managed to plow through the confusion or maybe i am just plain crazy to put my limited time and energy into the furthering of his meditations.

My hesitation to mention his name has to do with keeping my own unnoteworthy public image “clean” and this icon creating business around his figure, which he hated for sure. For this reason, i am not putting up clear pictures of the man, they only distract. If you really want to know more about him, search online for transcripts, or check YouTube, there is a lot of footage available.

To put things a little more in perspective, on my own path to insight, there were three authors that stood out for me: Henry Rollins (dead honest acceptance of one’s darkest thoughts), Friedrich Nietzsche (the killing of God and the will to move beyond) and, last but not least, Jiddu Krishnamurti (the anti-belief anti-authority anti-guru who traveled the world, out to incite a radical psychological transformation in anybody who cared to listen). Also worth mentioning: any dissonant voice i encountered that had some meaningful, enlightening things to say has contributed to my world view, and eventually my non-world view*, the embracing of emptiness. Certain comedians, scientists, artists and their works, crazy politicians, …, anybody touching upon something profound can be of “use”. Every once in a while they get some media attention, and as an effect, some of the truth seeps through occasionally, which can be very therapeutic in my opinion.

Still, no one can touch the energy and plain truthfulness of Krishnamurti’s words. His harshness and intensity discomforts a lot of people, but that’s what i like about him and what fired me up, and i am quite positive that there are no “soft” paths to truth.
Anyway, i shall continue by pointing out the main differences between K’s teachings and mine, to explain what i deem is necessary now and why i continue doing this ontoscopy written meditation thing.

1) K’s hypocrisy and personal biases
Due to his personal background, the severe Theosophical indoctrination with a lot of unnatural circumstances and childhood traumas, Krishnamurti kept a few bizarre idiosyncrasies, despite his renouncement of his past.
He fervently disliked any kind of authority but at the same time he felt absolutely infallible during a lot of his conversations, as if he was the only one who saw or had touched truth.
He considered himself an extraordinary being, which he was of course in several aspects, but he took it very far, seeing himself as the “World Teacher”, fortified by his entourage of course, and this created a large gap between him and the rest of the world, and it undermines many of his statements. Offstage he could also be quite different than who he insinuated to be in public, which of course does not tear down the whole of his discourses, but it makes one seriously doubt and wonder.
There is no way of comparing. My own upbringing was fairly calm, no traumas, no breathtaking stories. An atheist education, some artistic aspirations, a skeptical mind that tried to think its way through the trenches of solitude and alienation, and most of that has been left behind for good. There will still be unconscious biases in my thinking, and i strongly encourage you to point them out whenever possible.
There is nothing special about me. I only stand out in this day and age because the majority of mankind is caught in the illusions they lock themselves and others into. Anyone who is serious, self-critical and willing to put time, patience and effort into it can become much more aware and, with a little bit of luck, (s)he can move beyond psychological suffering. I still have some fucked up ways, i am far from a saint, but that is not the point. Laying bare the senselessness and the insanity makes one move away from it, but no one is absolutely free from aggression or illusion in an aggressive and illusion-fueled world. It’s up to us to get out of the trap, on all levels, not only psychologically (our messed up consciousness remains of course the root cause of most worldly misery).

2) Benevolent advances in psychology and neurology
One cannot deny some of the helpful insights psychology and neurology have given us. Since Freud, a lot has changed, some theories and methods have become much more realistic and successful. While it is still true that psychologists and psychotherapists can do a lot of harm, primarily because they themselves are still insane and most of them try to conform their patients to society’s insanity according to the rules they have learned, some have done some very important work. K failed to acknowledge this, or he trivialized it.
Ironically, he put a lot of emphasis on knowing and observing the self, which sounds a lot like cognitive therapy, and nowadays even mindfulness is seriously studied as a means to treat anxiety and other psychological dysfunctions. This can only be encouraged. Science alone is not the way to paradise, but it can prove very useful.
I am not too fond of most psychotherapists either, but there are exceptions, perhaps many more than i know of.

3) Difference in tone
I do not like to sound condescending. I do have a similar hard and dry approach with an occasional bit of humor, but i try to answer in more concrete terms instead of beating around the bush like Krishnamurti sometimes did. This is not always possible however, and i know a lot of people criticize K and other mystics for staying too vague and answering back with questions, but in many cases, there is no other way. There are no real solutions to our psychological problems, it is mainly a matter of asking the right questions and digging deeply into them, of seeing the intricacies of the whole for ourselves.

4) Subtle and larger differences in interpreting things
A big problem with most mystics, even the most sincere, is their interpretation of everything they have experienced and the projection they make out of their personal path to reach the end of suffering. Notions of existing religions may slip in, some things may get overlooked or considered unimportant, they may still be caught deeply into complex self-delusions, …
Krishnamurti is probably one of the most “clean” in this respect, being very radical and suspicious of any illusion, but he had his flaws too. I’ll give you an example.
K largely proposed his transformation of the mind as an all-or-nothing, immediate transition, and in my view this is true to some extent, though it can go other ways and it most definitely does not end there. Things are not as simple as he frequently put forward. Insights can come over time, piece by piece, extraordinary states may be experienced, things can be wrongly interpreted and new illusions may get installed inside your mind, etc etc. Constant awareness, wakefulness, is the key, which he relentlessly stressed, and i second him on that totally, but he shouldn’t have oversimplified and only regard the absolute, as some permanent state. The way i see it enlightenment is a movement, an ongoing process, of both the individual and the group, reflected in the interactions, which is the only indicator of value.
More of this and other nuances i will nail down later.

5) The age and time difference
Quite naturally, as a 29 year old, it is impossible to yet have grasped all of the depth the K-man plunged into during over 70 years or so. He commented on the 20st century, now we’re in the 21st. Not that a whole lot has changed fundamentally, but language and culture evolve, so the commentaries need to be updated as well, to keep them vibrant and relevant. Furthermore, i still have other activities besides this destroying of the false and the discovery of meaning. Maybe it will become more prominent in the years ahead, idunno, it depends.
(For those who wish to know, i have no idea where my life is going at the moment. I have great doubts about getting into the spotlight, but probably i will not have a choice. As long is can control the integrity of what i am doing and trying to say, it should be possible to work some things out.)
I still read some of Krishnamurti’s thoughts from time to time, to keep me sharp and to inspire me (just like he secretly read Buddha).
You could call me a “student” or “pupil” of, but certainly not a follower, and i am definitely much more a student of life and the mind than anything else. I regularly had to “kill” Krishnamurti to move further inside my mind.
I advise you to do the same with my words. It is an absolute necessity to move beyond them, to become free of them and face the essential questions with a clear mind.

6) Openness
K was completely opposed to referring to other teachings. I mostly prefer to do the same, but, on the other hand, it narrows down the dialogue, as if it all has to come from one man initially. In the end, the reader, who most likely consults other literature, always has the last word, and the goal is to get as wide and open as possible, despite all the unclarities, contradictions and half truths inside any form of communication. Of course, it is much easier to track down the mistakes of one musician playing solo than those of a full orchestra.
The last few years i have been putting a lot of time and effort in integrating insights from other fields into my global understanding, my teachings, which should become apparent soon, without going into complex, intellectual talk. To understand the self one does not need to have had a long education or have read a lot of books. Most intellectuals just get better at deceiving themselves by clinging to all sorts of philosophies and complex theories.
Maximum simplicity and depth are my constant concern, and i still have a lot of work to do in that direction.

There are trustworthy, valuable sources of wisdom out and in there.
In recent years i have read some very truthful and insightful texts by Osho for example (yes, he did some very nasty things, he lied a lot, but the man deserves some credit for his intelligence and his poetic and playful views), by Gautama Buddha, a couple of Zen masters (the Hsin Hsin Ming is a gem, also the 2 booklets by Shunryu Suzuki), the ancient Taoists like Lieh Tzu and Chuang Tzu, the challenging views of quantum physicist David Bohm, contemporary voices such as Charles Tart, Shinzen Young,…
You can also go out in nature, watch how life unfolds, outside and inside yourself. If you observe closely and without judgment, you will learn tremendously.

That’s about it. More will probably come up as i move further, and my approach will probably change in many ways in the years to come, we’ll see.
I hope i got my point across.
As always, feel free to ask questions.
This is mostly about you, about us, not about me or a dead man called Krishnamurti.

(*: Sorry for these recurring paradoxes. This is no deliberate mumbo jumbo or esoteric guru wordplay, they are simply necessary to go beyond the known, to address the limitations and pitfalls of language. Once you see, you’ll understand.)