I’m in a unique position, I recognize that.  I’m in an odd space of transition, and I’m figuring out where everything in my life should go.  As I look around my home, planning for this move, I realize that there are a lot of things that I’ll have to leave behind.  I’m starting to reassess the value of all the stuff I’ve accumulated over the years.  And as it turns out, I have to take a closer look at my life as well.

Discovery …

I couldn’t understand for the life of me where this sudden burst of energy to grow came from all of a sudden.  There was this odd angst to do better in all areas of my life after I decided to divorce.  I looked at my life, really looked at it, and I saw that I had some serious changes I needed to make.  I wanted this “next level” growth experience to happen yesterday.  I felt like I was in this suspended state.  On the outside it looks like depression, but on the inside it was like I was trapped in a cocoon.  I wanted drastic changes, which were definitely needed.  I suddenly had clarity on career aspirations.  I wanted more for myself, and suddenly I wasn’t afraid to explore my talents and take myself more seriously.  Suddenly, I felt like I really was capable of pursuing something I had wanted to for a long time, but couldn’t bring myself to do so out of fear (IT).

What goes where, exactly?

Now here I am, trying to make sense of this angst and this energy.  Enter the friend who hands me a book to read.  When you have this blurry vision of where you are, but this clear vision of where you want to be, you become frustrated.  You have all of these balls in the air, and you know that something is supposed to happen, but in what order?  You know some of the ingredients to the recipe, but you don’t know enough about how to get the dish together.  And now the book …

I’m so regular …

I am the only person in the world who knows what I’m going through and fully appreciates it.  No one on earth has ever been through a divorce or separation.  No one in this world has ever been in this odd suspended state.  No one understands what I’m feeling and experiencing.   And at my friend’s suggestion, I began reading “In the Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant.

I was captivated by the Introduction alone.  I’ve started reading this book, and it is all so very spot on.  Everything I’m experiencing, the yearning for growth, the desire to cleanse, the purging, the new mantras on everything from professional aspirations and diets to relationships and boundaries … it’s all “Meantime” stuff.

So now the missing piece of the puzzle is here, and I feel as though things are making sense.  And to think my first reaction to this book she suggested was, “No book will help me make sense of this space I’m in.”

Who knew?  I was in my “meantime” state and had been for years?  It wasn’t a crisis I was in, this is all perfectly natural.  And it feels good to know that this is normal, well, as normal as someone like me could be.

Photo credit: Peeltheonlion blog

I am fascinated by human behavior.  I always have been.  And I’ve come to realize several things about people in my little lifetime.

Every person in your life is a teacher.  Or maybe a reminder?  Every person enters your life for a reason.  And everyone leaves your life for a reason.  And people always leave a lesson of some sort.  The person may have given you pearls of wisdom along the way, or the experiences with that person were intended to show you something.

Every person in your life has something to gain from you.  It has taken me so long to finally get to the point where I fully appreciate the fact that everyone you encounter has something to gain from you.  It’s great that the person sees value in you, but I’m starting to look more at the motivation.  The most difficult question to ask is, “How does this person benefit from this action on my part?”

Every person gossips.  Everyone does.  No one wants to admit this.  But every human being gossips.  Some devote more of their energy to certain types of gossip.  Some gossip from an emotional place they’re in.  Others gossip because they’re paid to do it.  And then there are some who are fortunate enough to have time to devote to it.

You will be the most reliable person in your life, chances are.  Next to your parents, you will probably be the most reliable person in your life.  Think about it, you’re the only person who knows everything about you.  For me, as this starts to sink in, I realize how much more prepared I am to grow knowing just that.

Adults are just as vulnerable to peer pressure as children.  Adults need to fit in just as much as children.  People need a side to pick.  Adults need to be on top of a certain trend.  Adults want to be able to say that they “experienced” something big.  Adults have the same need for approval as children.

Most people lie.  For a culture that celebrates “truth” and “transparency”, it’s surprising how much of us are liars by habit.  It’s more convenient to do so.  And it’s easier to get ahead in life if you’re able to do so at a certain level.  It’s easier to avoid pain when you lie.  There’s probably only 1 percent of people in this world who don’t lie.

It’s easier to not be disappointed in the actions of others when you accept these things …

People are entitled to their own decision-making process, just as they are to their own opinions.  Many people, out of concern, may attempt to intervene to prevent people from making a mistake.  But just as a child needs to fall a few times before it can master walking, some individuals learn better when they are allowed to fall.

When you attempt to prevent someone from making a mistake, you may be denying the person an opportunity to grow.  Many people are experiential learners, just as some people are tactile learners, and so on.  So when a person hears the advice offered and fails to take heed, it shouldn’t be met with resistance.  It should be met with acceptance.  Growth can come in many forms.   It can come from personal experience or the experience of others.

Learning from the experience of others is possible.  It’s easier to follow something that is closer to a science or business strategy.  It’s easy to follow someone’s footsteps and do what the person has done to achieve success.  But in more delicate matters, just the opposite is true.  This is especially the case with interpersonal matters.  Interpersonal matters may involve multiple individuals who are constantly evolving in different ways.  So at any given point in time, one individual placed in a certain position may behave differently when presented with the same challenges again.  A person who may have been one way at one point can experience something life-changing, this could influence behavioral tendencies.  When you add cumulative experience to an individual’s history and interactions this person has had with others, growth is very much a possibility.  It’s difficult to learn from the experience of others on interpersonal matters because everyone’s journey and personal experiences are different.

People have different outlooks on life.  Their actions may be wild and risky to some, and to others, genius.  Because people place a different value on safety and predictability, they behave and think differently.  A decision could be made in a moment’s time or carefully deliberated on for months at a time.  But a terrible decision can be made after careful deliberation.  And in the minds of some, the outcome from that decision needs to happen sooner than later when there is less to lose.  Some people believe in racking up their failures expeditiously, as it makes possible phenomenal growth.  This is the case with a lot of entrepreneurs and artists.  People make the decisions they make based on their perception of reality, experience and faith.  When a reasonable person has a different level of faith in his or her ability to recover from a potential mistake, failure doesn’t seem as scary as it does to others.  Just as there are inventors who fail with the creation of thousands of prototypes before successfully arriving at the “one”, there are people who view risk through an entirely different lens.  Society can look to the greatest entrepreneurs, designers and artists of the world for some of the most innovative contributions to society.  They weren’t always celebrated, but they were given latitude to fail along the way.

People make the decisions they do in life because of who they are and what they’ve experienced.  It’s not that they don’t appreciate the concept of consequences; it’s just that they believe that they can and will recover.  They’re fearless because they see life differently and they have faith that things will work out somehow.  Some people just have that in their nature, making them crazy, delusional, irrational or genius.   The odd decision-makers aren’t afraid of things like struggle and fear.  These people saw possibility, and that was enough motivation for them to take that step.  Becoming a better decision-maker is possible when a person is allowed to make mistakes along the way.  So when someone is about to make a risky personal decision, simply ask the person “What happens if it doesn’t work out?”  If the person’s thought about failing, then be relieved that risks were considered.

Why don’t people take criticism well? People need it to grow. I reflected on the question, and I have an explanation for it. Here’s my take on why people don’t handle constructive criticism or any form of criticism well.

First, it’s the person delivering the blow. Hearing the criticism from someone who has intimate knowledge of who you are is one thing. Hearing criticism from someone you trust, respect and have a good rapport with is a different thing altogether. The person who has been in your life a significant amount of time is better able to offer certain forms of criticism in a way that best resonates with you.

Second, it’s the platform used. When someone goes to extraordinary lengths to deliver criticism to you in a meaningful way, it’s appreciated. It may be a little hard to digest, but it is appreciated. But when certain platforms are exploited in a less than artful way, the power of the message loses its meaning. The way the message is delivered becomes the focal point, and the message takes a backseat.

Third, it’s the timing. Just as everyone likes to hear a good, motivational speech in times of hardship, the same is true for criticism. If one is going to deliver constructive criticism, then it should be delivered tastefully. Perhaps delivering criticism to someone in mourning isn’t a good idea. And maybe delivering criticism to a person in crisis isn’t ideal.

When a combination of these variables is in place, any criticism intended to be constructive won’t be received that way. The best rule of thumb is to deliver the criticism to the person in a way you’d like it delivered to you.

For those who have been following the series, it appears as though an arrest may have occurred.  According to Russell Barnes, father of the deceased murder victim, a formal arrest has been made.  An announcement is rumored to be occurring tomorrow morning in a formal press conference.  This is all speculation at this point, so the community fans will have to stand by to see if there is any truth to the rumors.

Michael Johnson, the ex-boyfriend of Deena Barnes is supposed to be the one who was arrested.  If the rumors are true, then I truly hope that all parties available are being held accountable for any role they may have played in her disappearance.

I will be honest, I almost teared up when I heard the rumor.

And in another bit of news, the “Phylicia’s Law” has been officially passed.  The new piece of legislation will make it easier for agencies to work collaboratively to resolve missing person’s cases.

Photo credit: Daily Mail UK

Impressive. No, really. Philomena Kwao just became Britain’s first black plus-sized model (size 16), beating out thousands of hopefuls. The 22-year-old Britain University graduate recently finished her first major spread in Cosmopolitan magazine and is now signed to Models 1 Agency.

Philomena Kwao’s Resume:

• Crowned Miss Ghana UK in 2008
• Currently pursuing her Master’s at Imperial College in London in International Health Management

“I also want to help spread the message that there is beauty in everything: every shape, colour, size, and height … whatever. We are all beautiful.”

More on Philomena Kwao!
And even more on Philomena Kwao!

Photo credit: Peeltheonlion blog

I’m learning to channel negative energy directed at me into something more positive.  I definitely enjoy a great venting session.  But when it’s all over, and the mood has passed, and when I’ve had time to reflect on how ridiculous that moment was, I think about reversing that energy.  By reversing that negative energy, I regain control over my thoughts and mood.

And the best way to do that is to find something really positive and selfless to do for others.  It’s a great way to get your mind off of the person, people or situation you’ve given the power to in letting them invade your thoughts.

I’m starting to see how important it is to perform a random act of kindness when in such a space.  Just blow some unsuspecting soul’s mind with a random kind gesture and watch how amazing it feels.

Some of us spend more time in the hot seat than others, but it’s how you counter that that speaks volumes about your character.   Letting the acts of others alter your character or affect how you carry yourself doesn’t really translate into growth, I’ve found.  Their actions speak for them, and you’re ultimately accountable for your own actions.

Reverse that.

I was watching the news on DirecTV yesterday and there was a news feature about foods that help women fight depression. There is so much cool research now that focuses on fighting depression. One stat that I heard was that women who drink at least two cups of coffee a day decrease their risk of depression by fifteen percent. I drink about four or six, so I wonder if I decrease my risk by thirty or forty percent!? Another thing that they suggested was to lean towards a diet where olive oil was used. It contains omega-3s, which the doctor explained binds with seratonin and lightens your mood. Another interesting thing that they suggested was that you should work less. They said that women who work eleven hours a day at their job are sixty-seven percent more likely to develop heart diseasethan women that work only eight hours a day. I guess that means that you should skip the over time! Sometimes you hear so many things about what is good for your health that it is hard to sort through everything! I saw eat healthy most of the time, exercise, and try to relax!

I was going to visit my parents for all of 24 hours this weekend. I really wished they were into sports as much as I was because the day that I was visiting them was Sunday into Monday. I should get into town just in time for the 1:00 football game to start and since they have satellite I know I’d be able to watch all of the games. I was sure they wouldn’t want to sit and watch football from 1:00pm into the evening like my boyfriend and I always do in the fall during football season. They also weren’t drinkers, which I wasn’t REALLY either, but I definitely enjoyed a few cold beers while watching sports. Luckily, I did have the Fantasy Football application on my smart phone in case my mom wanted to go shopping or run some other kind of errand. Worst case, they had speakers that ran all through their house, so you could hear the television in any room. It would probably annoy them to have football piped into every room, but they’d deal with it just this once!

According to the Fulton County Medical Examiner’s Office, Stacey English likely died of hypothermia.  Autopsy results state that her death was accidental, and the case is now considered closed.

Her mental health was a big part of the discussion in the beginning stages.   Several friends noticed a change in her behavior during the days leading up to her disappearance.  Her medical history and recent changes in her behavior led some to believe that her death may have been drug-related.

From the autopsy results:

“Based on a combination of information sources including the autopsy, the sequence of events and circumstances, toxicology results, medical and mental health records, and statements of witnesses and acquaintances, the most likely cause of Stacey English’s death is cold exposure complicating underlying neurological and psychiatric disorders”  …

So this case is officially closed.  There is no evidence of intentional self-harm or injury.  The family hasn’t gone on record to address these recent developments.

I’m surprised that this case was able to be solved so quickly.  The turnaround time for similar cases just seems longer to me for some reason.