Our little Sydney didn't make it. A week after we learned he was dying, he quietly died in my husband's arms. I never got to see him again.

It will be a sad spring. He was this constant, faithful presence during all of our shared history, and it's so strange to look to the years ahead and realize there will be no little white dog trotting along on our family adventures.

I was reflecting on why the loss of a little dog should hit me so hard. When I am so surrounded by love, and family, and children, why is there now a huge hole in my heart? Children have their own place in our lives - but they grow, they are strong, they develop their own lives. Every day they are metamorphosing into new, vibrant beings. Someday they will leave, and that is the natural order of things; that is as it should be. 

A dog is constant. A dog never changes, really, except to grow old, and they depend on us all their lives. A dog reminds us of what matters most in life: friendship, faithfulness, simplicity, unfettered joy, unconditional love, and forgiveness. We miss our Sydney so much.

A Poem For the Grieving 

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I did not die.

In all my thoughts and posts and ruminations about what we leave behind when we move, I never mentioned our faithful dog, the seventh member of our family, Sydney.

Sydney's been with us for ever so long - since before we even had any children. He was a great comfort to me when I was finishing up my dissertation, struggling to start our family, and making a home in all the various places we have lived. No matter where we were, he always valiantly adjusted and made himself at home, because home to him was food, a warm place to sleep, and most importantly, us. He was enthusiastic about everything - swims in the pond, trips to the ocean, games of frisbee in which he could go on longer than any human could. He sweetly welcomed each new family member, though he may have been confused as he watched each baby grow bigger and bigger over time. He was an amazingly cheerful and resilient dog who was just happy to be nearby.

Now I sit here, so sad, because we left Sydney in Japan with my husband (who still works there) for what we thought would be a temporary amount of time until we got permanently settled and could bring him home. In the back of my mind, I had visions of him in our new house and thought that we would be able to give him more of the loving attention that has gone by the wayside as life got hectic and busy. I thought we could comfort him in his old age. Now I know we probably won't have that chance, because he is very, very sick. We don't even know if he'll make it until we go back for a visit in a few weeks. And he's most certainly too sick to make it on a plane ride back to the U.S.

I've had dogs die before, and that was really hard. But now I know that the only thing harder than having a dying dog is having a dog dying far away from you, so that you cannot give him a last hug, brush his fur a last time, take him on a walk in the sunshine, and comfort him as he says goodbye.

There are mixes and even frozen hoddeok in Korean markets, but I found this recipe online which is pretty good. I followed it the first time I made this and it was pretty successful. I've tweaked it whenever making it afterwards, which means that I don't really follow a recipe at all and just wing it - it's easier to make things like this spontaneously when I don't have to be getting out measuring cups and whatnot. 

Start by making some sort of bread dough (mix yeast, 1/4 cup of warm water, and a bit of sugar in a bowl till the yeast bubbles, then add enough flour and liquid until it feels like a moist bread dough. For liquid, use milk in addition to water, and add a touch more sugar so it's slightly sweet. I also substituted whole wheat flour for about half of the white). Knead lightly, cover, and then set aside to rise in a warm place for about an hour or so.

After it rises, you get to enjoy the fun of assembly. This is a lot of fun to do with little children.

Mix together brown sugar with liberal amounts of cinnamon. Add chopped walnuts if you like. Raisins are good too. Put these in a bowl with lots of little spoons for your little helpers.

Next, pinch off little balls of dough and shape them so that you have a little well in the middle.

Fill the well with the brown sugar/cinnamon mixture.

Using your fingers, continue to stretch and shape the ball so that the brown sugar mixture is now on the inside, fully enclosed.

Now flatten it out. The children and I did this by patting and stretching out the dough with our hands but of course you can use a rolling pin too. Make sure you filled your ball with enough brown sugar mixture that it gets well-distributed on the inside. See the dark lump in the middle? That's a walnut, unchopped - I'm always wearing the baby when I'm in the kitchen so I do as little chopping as I can get away with. 

This is really basically all there is to it, except for the frying. Pan fry in a bit of oil and then flip like a regular pancake and serve while hot.

I serve it with yuja cha - Korean yuzu tea, sprinkled with pine nuts. This golden, sweet citrusy tea is the perfect match for these pancakes and warms us up on these cold afternoons.

What snacks do you like to eat in the winter?

The boys came home from school the other day with these sweet little pine cone trees. They seem really easy to make. The teachers had painted the pine cones green beforehand (it looks like they dipped them in paint), and then handed them out to the kids along with glue, cardboard, cotton balls, sequins and beads, and bottle caps. Each child glued a pine cone onto a bottle cap, then glued that onto a cardboard circle. After that they garnished them with the sequins and beads and then surrounded the cap with cotton ball "snow."  The cardboard circle makes a nice little platform for displaying these trees.

I like this craft because it's simple and quick (and relatively mess-free), but the end result is very pretty! 

(Anna's beautiful white hat was knitted for her by my wonderful friend Laura!)

I'm already nostalgic for her first few days. Having a new baby is a visceral reminder of how quickly time passes, and how quickly children grow. For some reason her babyhood seems to be going by lightning fast. That may seem laughable, as she is still so very little, but perhaps it feels even more fleeting to me because all her three siblings seem to be growing unfathomably older every day. So, it feels heartbreaking - at the same time that I am so excited to see who she will be and become and see more of her first smiles and hear her first words and witness her first steps, it is bittersweet to see what we leave behind. 

This feeling of nostalgia is even stronger because we are preparing for a partial move back to the US. In less than a month, we will leave Japan, where we have lived for nearly 4 years and where two of my babies were born. I came here with just two little energetic joyful boys, and leave now with four children, daughters I never had before, and an older son who is mature and on the cusp of adolescence.  

This is not a full move. We will be returning here for long summers during which our children will attend the school they've been going to (school runs until late July in Japan), and we may move back again year-round, but to leave our home here even for just a few months will be a big change for us. Every day, when I walk outside with the children, or pick them up from school, I soak in every bit I can of our lives here, so I can remember it all. The tiny jam factory near their school with its compelling strawberry smells wafting out into the street. The sight of cheerful children running along narrow roads with their yellow and blue school hats and square leather backpacks. The ginko leaves, bright yellow, under our feet in the fall. Buying sweet-bean and sweet-rice treats at the corner store. Wandering around our favorite park, remembering looking for crayfish in the summer, and visiting the miniature waterfall which so delighted my boys when they were small. 

There will be more sights, more memories, in our new home. Of that I am completely sure. But there is something about leaving a home where you raised your children when they were so small, that makes goodbye feel especially hard. 

We feel very blessed. She is like a gift for each one of us. Things have gone a lot smoother than I anticipated, mostly because our children are so spread out in age. 

I'll keep this post short for now, as I'm still perfecting the art of finding online time with so many demands on my time, but here is a quick photo of Anna in wool legwarmers I knitted up for her. I made the blanket she is lying on too, out of wool jersey, doubled over and sewn together, and trimmed in a simple blanket stitch.

The legwarmers were made with a plain merino wool I found here in Japan. The gauge is 6 stitches to the inch and I cast on 36 stitches. Very simple.

Each sibling is very much in love with our little Anna, and I'm beginning to think this four-child thing is going to be a great adventure.

The knitting world has really evolved in the decade since I was last actively knitting. Knitting feels fresh and new for me. There are so many free - free! - patterns out there by generous and talented knitters. The baby dress above is called the Kaia Babydoll. I knitted the newborn size so it went really quickly, in Debbie Bliss's luscious Baby Cashmerino yarn.

I dream of someday spinning and dyeing my own yarn as well. In the meantime I can order handspun and/or hand dyed yarn from Etsy. This delightful skein of yarn practically danced in my hands as I knitted it up and the entire sweater took about 2 days to make.

The yarn was made by Sunrise Lodge Fiber Studio. It feels so good to use yarn that is handcrafted with personal care in this way. 

I've made a few things from commercial patterns as well, and been really happy with the results. These wee hats are from the book One Skein, by Leigh Radford.

I've also been enjoying knitting top-down seamless sweaters.  Both the dress and sweater above are seamless and so are the ones below. Until I started knitting these I didn't realize how much I hated the process of sewing up afterwards. I don't think I will ever make another sweater again that isn't knitted in the round.

The pattern for the sweaters above is available here for free.

And then this pattern, below, is Elizabeth Zimmerman's famous Baby Sweater on Two Needles from her Knitter's Almanac. It's the same pattern I used for the green sweater above.

Finally, every new baby needs booties and hats. There are many, many free baby bootie patterns on the web, and I just kind of combined various ones and experimented. Here's a link to a bunch of baby sock and bootie patterns.

I couldn't resist purchasing the pattern for this pilot cap because pilot caps just look so darling on little baby faces.

I have been trying to keep up with knitting projects for the older ones too. They are happy with socks and hats as long as they can pick the yarn and designs, and Mia is still small enough to knit quick shrugs and sweaters for. Some things remain works in progress but the children really seem to enjoy knowing that something special is being made just for them. 

Wool and cotton receiving blankets have been made, tiny clothing folded and put away. So now.....we just wait, while cherishing our last special days together as a family of five. 

I have a new, quick tutorial that is great for children. Like so many of the crafts we do, my sons taught me this one. They learned it at school. I'm not really sure what to call these but children see lots of possibility in them - they're just little treasures.  I'm going to call them "jeweled shrink curls" for lack of a more inspiring term.

They're made from plastic bottles - all you need is a plastic bottle, scissors, permanent markers, foil, and a toaster oven. 

Cut pieces out of the plastic bottle at random and give them to your children.

Have them scribble away and draw whatever they want on the plastic.

Then put the plastic pieces on a piece of foil and pop in a toaster oven. Watch them carefully. If the oven is preheated, they will start to curl up in about 30 seconds! Maybe even sooner - so keep an eye on them. Children love watching them transform.

Take them out and let them cool. Your children can play with them, string them like beads, or simply collect them like little jewels. I like this project because it is so fast and easy, yet really satisfying.