Other Eden

Reignited.

2014-04-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

Peace demands the united efforts of us all. Who can foresee what spark might ignite the fuse? Haile Selassie

It's a push and pull
of the past and present,
crossing thin lines
to make the argument
relevant.

Cutting edges
to make pieces fit,
we overlap feelings
and bypass our rational
for more than a hint
of ignorance.

I Love you still...but
I'll be damned
and you Love me always.. but
won't play the fool
in this sequel.
Since we made it
win-win to win-lose;
no equal.

It's a battlefield
laced with mines
from lies, labels and letdowns
I wanted the title
but it went from bliss
to what I see is
no play, all work now.

Still hardened from
distance and cold nights.
Loved me enough to
let me go,
now there's no one
to keep me warm
and chase the night frights.

Deep breaths
calm demeanor
internally seething.
Hands out, I'm reaching,
Graze of your fingertips
Nothing left to lose;
I'm taking it.

So I'm hurt; resistant
you're disappointed
doubtful but insistent.
We clash but cling
weary but tingling
with excitement
I feel the heat of
Our Love

Reignited.

When You Hold Me

2014-01-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

“No matter what happened yesterday it is insignificant when compared to what lies within the core of your being today.”
― Sandy Brewer

My mind says it's senseless
to deprive my heart
and the beat agrees.
A little mellow within
wanting another pressed
close to share a rhythm.

These hands have written
how deserving I Believe
myself to be.
I've ingested the words
and am smitten.

I've silenced the soliloquies
and clenched my fists
to fight back the
temptations of silk,
once wanting nothing more
than to surrender to
my hearts will.

Dry eyed and open minded
head held high;
won't be blindsided.
Communication has to be
concrete alongside
a similar vision.
Faith in more than
our peripheral;
limitless with "Him."

I've waltzed around
"Not ready"
"Working on me"
"Heart still heavy."
Promise me all
will be silenced
when you hold me.

In the Way

2014-01-09T15:49:00.000-08:00

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

On that note
cue the chorus
and kill the static.
Lower the lights
and have at it.
My head nods to
those that say nay
and my lips curl
to cup the words
that will hold the
most weight.
Giving me
every inclination
to pave the way.
So many limitations
based on the
assumption
I can't erase them.
Broken down into
Misunderstood
understated
imitated.
Not the final straw
on my back,
I can take it.
Head bowed
and knees bent.
Palms pressed
but no need to put
Blessings on a
pedestal;
loudest in the room
is the weakest.
They gravitate to
the norm
and then declare
they discovered it.
I Believe it
and agree it's
presumptuous.
I'm not new to this
I'm True to it;
disguised before
but I uncovered it.
They're the opaque
clouds on my
brightest day.
I feel His rays
even with you
in the way.

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.” ― David Richo

The Unmentionables

2014-01-09T13:44:00.000-08:00

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. - Mother Teresa

Written: rough hand
123113

Refusing to come softly
Causing friction just
to feel again
wagering blame
when the charge lies within.

Not straddled with necessity
but burdened by desire,
how can it be out
of our hands
when every movement
sparks more fire?

Taking all the grimey
repulsive and repetitive
to render the flame.
Cold Columbia
despite our bonfire
nothing was ever
the same.

Never sharing a
perspective
with my pride in the way.
Laying your bricks
on solid ground
but my Ego has me
up in the clouds.

So far gone...
The worst of me
was greeted by the
best of you.
Chiseled away;
nothing left from you.

Didn't mean to...
shouldn't want to
or return to.
You could see through
what I Believed was
impenetrable
the best thing that
came out of it
was coming out of it.

the unmentionables

"I see more in you."

2014-01-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined - to strengthen each other - to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories. - George Eliot

I Trust there is someone out there who won't pick up the pieces, but instead rid the Belief of broken altogether. To sit and hear the story behind every blemish, to kiss away the tears that discomfort bleeds. No pity or percipience and no pretense of comprehension. There is someone who will hold you so tight that all the emotions inside that once felt dislocated from you, will mend seamlessly. Only if you allow it. When you are more prepared and willing to be weak. Doesn't that sound awkward?
To have to be weakened in order to show strength?
I Believe that in a way you must be. I'm talking about being pliable and permeable. For too long I have had to be stiff and retentive. My lack of softness in almost every aspect of my Life left me feeling insoluble. I never really intended to have such a preservative nature, yet it became almost second nature after so many disappointments.

"A hundred days have made me older; A thousand lies have made me colder."

I've initiated and perpetuated so much of it. That is no longer the way in which I view myself or want to be viewed. No one wants to walk around displaying their scar tissue for the world to assume you've played the victim. There are some wounds that are naked to the eye, and those are usually the ones that link to the bigger picture. Which goes back to me talking about being weak. Fragile enough to be wounded even more, yet Trusting that you won't be. You need to be vulnerable in Love. To show that you mean no harm, have been harmed before and are opening yourself to even more, if they abuse what's given. It's asking for a lot, but it's giving so much more. I have never been that vulnerable since my divorce. Never given myself wholly. The conclusion of doing that left me a single mother with a very vindictive spirit when it came to any form of attachment. I have given so little in Love and could only expect the same for the outcome. I've said it before, being insensible to endearment maims you so much more than being open and susceptible.

____________________________________________________________

When everything in me coils

letting out the coarsest kinks,
temples throbbing but you'll be
the satin underneath.
No snags and snares
you can't smooth
whispering gently,
"I see more in you."

Beautiful

2014-01-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

“Someone was hurt before you, wronged before you, hungry before you, frightened before you, beaten before you, humiliated before you, raped before you… yet, someone survived… You can do anything you choose to do.” – Maya Angelou

"There was a time
When I thought I had no good in me
There was a time
When I was too blind to see

But deep beneath the cold defeat
Under the snow
You could see something in me
Waiting to grow

A little seed of what I could be
How did You know?
You saw my worth, and called it forth
With Your sweet love

(You are beautiful to me)"

Rachael Lampa - Beautiful

When the time comes, don't say I didn't tell you so. I laid it all out for you, all the things you need to know. I didn't see much to be desired, funny how it took beating a worn out path to be inspired. Don't light the fire in my hearth unless you Truly feel a connection. I want more than a fleeting romance. Set the friendship foundation and stimulate my mind. Take the time. Invest in mine. Don't take my hand if you're going to let go. Full on embrace, let's go.

Are you ready for Love?

If I say I'm not will you continue to be so forceful? If you feel rejected don't think for one minute that in the end my heart will be neglected. I Love me enough for what you lack. I have some darkness to filter out, you're either going to help or hinder that. Choose wisely. What's attractive comes from a production inside me. I am Proud of me. I Believe in me. I will succeed. No dirt on my rose surrounded by concrete. You may never know all that I've said, heard and seen. So much of it has been inexcusable. Just Trust me now when I say what you see is my own Belief that I am still

Beautiful.

Raw, Weird & Wonderful

2014-01-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus

I don't even try to fool myself by saying that I'm anything but a square. My idea of a good time is lounging at the beach, park, mall or the library with my munchkin. If I'm able to do so without my daughter, I like to go dancing, hang out in the city just to feel the electricity of Life around me or bargain hunting (thrifting is my favorite). I have no issue with secondhand and if it weren't for the quality of certain items, I would write off name brands altogether. I don't see the point in having a huge logo across your chest or a certain brand of shoe in every color and texture possible, just to match from head to toe. And wear just a handful of times.
What I call dressing up is getting my hair deep conditioned, trimmed and blow dried at Wal-Mart and applying eyeliner, mascara and pressed powder with a touch of chapstick. More often than not I forget the lip balm altogether and rough it out with a wash and go kinky fro. Outside of sweatpants and hoodies or yoga pants and tank tops I dress like it's perpetually summer. Even in the winter if I can help it.
For someone so uncomfortable in their skin I can be conceited at times. I make the most ridiculous signature pose when I take selfies and I'm freakishly attracted to beautiful hands. Hands are synonymous to beauty, nurturing and intimacy to me. I'm a recovering handwashing freak. And I can't stand being touched 90% of the time, but that's on to a different subject.
I am an undercover geek and relentless Grammar Nazi. Bad spelling is the biggest turn off to me yet I can't pronounce to save my Life. At best, I come off condescending and at times I suppose I mean to. As a defense mechanism to those that would judge me as much as I'm apparently judging them. I am arrogant, selfish and moody. Yet I Love beyond logic. I'm a giver but there's a fine line before I resent the recipient.
I am so testy and the rules change often.
Some days I want to wear nothing but boy shorts and a tank top and snuggle in with a good book and molasses. Other days I will cover myself from head to toe like an Eskimo and damn near put up a barricade between myself and a Loved One. I haven't even grazed the surface of who I need to be consistently. But I've gotten back to where I need to be to bloom. I don't kick myself anymore over my shortcomings, there's a great deal of acceptance and desire to change for the things I refuse to accept. Every experience and every day I'm one step closer to understanding that just like I'm aware that I can only take outsiders in small doses, that I can be a bit much to handle as well. I have to chip away at the walls I've built or accept being alone. I actually have started to find more solace being solo but there will come a time when I am ready and willing to invite someone into my Life again.
They wont know my history and wont see the progression of a better me, and I can't stand to put up any more facades. The next time I want no drawn curtains. Just a portrayal of me that is
Raw, Weird & Wonderful

Clipped Wings

2014-01-04T07:56:00.000-08:00

"I don't need anyone to clip my wings, I just wanted someone that made me feel as if I didn't have to fly away anymore."

Here's to the delicate doves
familiar with the breakdowns
and the blue black crows
tainted with contusions,
clawing at the competition.
Here's to the vultures
envious of the nearly extinct
eagle eyed glory
Metaphorically so.
Here's to every and anyone
told they'd never take flight
who can relate to my story.
The downtrodden
pecked at and peculiar
the hungry and hurt
but can't afford what
love costs
compared to the loss.
The cast off or caged
thrown rocks at;
enraged.
Living on the edge
teetering off
the cable wires
absorbing mass media.
"You aren't good enough
but I'm here for ya."
You're singing your sad song
they hear but refuse to see
you are the only reason
you Believe you have
Clipped Wings

frightened

2013-12-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

"You can tell when something's not moving forward anymore. When the doubts you have about it don't go away." - Jeffrey Eugenides

Taking time
to take the time,
losing a connection
must not have been mine.
Wanting your warm
sweet transparency,
Instead of the cold
and opaque.
Maybe it doesn't exist;
but still fathomable
so who will be the one
to insist?
No chase
but I flee.
Clawing at my temples
refusing to believe
this is all rooted
in my mental...
If Love is not enough
then it isn't Love.
Don't confuse
loud determination
with silent desperation.
Veil on our desire
harness on our needs.
Screaming at our negligence
opportunity for intimacy
evaporated in our bed again.
Dissuaded by baby steps
after a long collapse
I'm haunted by how much
my progress lacks.
Who cares if every
setback leaves me
more enlightened?
I am hurt, alone and
frightened.

"Where are we going? Why are we slowing down?

Where are you going? We should be growing now..."

-Jhene Aiko

Growing Apart (To Get Closer)

Layaway Love

2013-12-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

Like letting a dove free

out into the winter freeze

Open air beckons

yet I'm doomed to fall;

Shattered amongst

glittering fragments

from delicate wings.

You can't want the best

for me while taking

the best of me.

You nourish my soul

but pour lye on my dreams

I inhale your Hopes

of what we could be

But my needs outweigh

your wants and desires.

I need a partner at my pace

If not, I evade

Dysfunctional

yet functioning.

Take a seed from the soil

and expect a bloom,

that's exactly like me

finding Happiness

outside of you.

We can scream

that we're just

Blessed to Be

thanks to the One above.

Alive, free & forthcoming

But that's not what

awaits me from my

Layaway Love