This is the podpost for my yet, but soon, to be released episode on menstruation. Yes, you read that correctly. I recorded an episode on your period (assuming you, the reader, are a woman). I happen to find female flow an interesting topic, maybe because I learned so much about it before I got pregnant with Amelia since, you know, it’s pretty essential to the whole having a baby thing. Plus, I like to know how things work. I thought of the topic for this episode ages ago, long before the Republican primary circus started, so I had no intention of being timely. However, the brouhaha over birth control, and for some reason in this country birth control is synonymous with hormonal contraception like the pill, got me thinking about what a feminist stance against birth control would look like. Sure, the conservative right, ahem Rush Lamebaugh (you can groan at that), is framing the debate rather oddly, and I don’t even want to go into that well-worn territory, but is hormonal birth control also anti-feminist even as feminists reassert our right to it? BTW, I classify myself as a feminist, so I’m not using the word negatively.

I’ll save you the suspense and answer my own question right away. Probably not. Maybe. I don’t know. As a whole, I don’t think hormonal birth control is all together bad or unsafe or immoral. But I do wonder what it has done to our collective relationship with our uteruses (uteri?) When reading Flow: The Cultural Story of Menstruation, I was struck by Elissa Stein’s and Susan Kim’s articulation of a wishy-washy feminist stance against birth control (again, I’m talking about the hormonal kind here), a wishy washy stance that I share and one that is gaining ground as we yuppie moms try to live “natural” lives, to the extent that making vinegar cleaning solutions counts as natural.

If you are unfamiliar with the feminist stance against birth control, here it is: If we take away our periods, which is what hormonal birth control does, even the kind that makes you think you are having one every month, we are also taking away the natural cyclical and not all together bad hormonal fluctuations of the female body, fluctuations that in some sense make us distinctly women. If we take the pill not just for pregnancy prevention, but to do away with the nuisance of our periods, we are admitting that women should be changeless, eerily regular, disconnected from our fertility, except in the discrete moments when we decide we want to get pregnant. If we erase our periods, we in a way also shame them, buy into the advertisting and historical taboos that make us think it is dirty, that somehow having this period makes our bodies inferior to the male’s seeming regularity (regularity which is a myth because even though men lack a period, their hormones also fluctuate). We cease to celebrate our femaleness by ceasing our periods. We accept that if women change through the month, it is a reflection of inconstancy and unreliability. Gosh, a woman can’t have her hand on the red button in the Oval office because her red flow makes her crazy (as does the absence of this flow via menopause). That is one version.

The rebuttal would be that throughout history periods have literally been limiting. Before the advent of femcare, even the femcare advertisements that make periods seem ghastly, women had inconsistent options of catching or controlling their flow; in many instances, their sheer mobility was restricted every month. Panties got crotches, then we got commerical pads and tampons, so what is wrong with simply scheduling or all together removing our periods if we feel no primal womanly connection to it? If we don’t plan on procreating until our bodies deem it impossible, why not make it impossible in the short term and get the added benefit of not having to worry about staining our clothes?

In other words, birth control may be liberating, but liberating in a not entirely good way, in an I am erasing my womanhood way. I suspect your menstrual cycle also tells you something about the overall health of your body, so when your flow is out of whack, it may be a sign of larger problems. If we fix the menstrual problem with hormones, are we putting a bandaide over larger issues? However, I know the magic of hormones in solving truly debilating monthly conditions and that shouldn’t be belittled. If hormones that are generally safe can increase your quality of life, regardless of the birth control aspect, why not take them?

As you can see, I’m a bit Jekyll and Hyde on this issue.  I honestly don’t know what I believe. I guess I’m too much of a pseudo hippie to be entirely comfortable with daily hormone ingestion, but I’m too much of a feminist to write it all off as big pharma’s attempt to medicalize something entirely natural.

Because such a huge proportion of the American popoulation uses some form of birth control and because the average birth rate is 2.03 per woman, American women don’t seem to have issue with deciding when to have children (plus, the birth rate started declining before the advent of the pill, although the pill accelerated it), but I wonder if we’ve grappled with the consequences of these hormones, both physically and psychologically. Personally, I don’t know where I stand and if I’ll go back, but I might, again revealing my grey area attitude about these hormones. If I do pop a pill in my lifetime, I want it to be because I thought about the pros and cons, not because I want my daughter to feel ashamed of her future menstruation. If this is too much menstrual talk, the podcast may not be for you, but if you also regularly contemplate the cultural implications of your period, stay tuned.

I’m mixing things up by writing the podpost before releasing the relevant podcast episode. This is the podpost for Podcast Episode 37: Two Under Two. The episode is still in post-production, a fancy way of saying we recorded it, but I haven’t edited it yet. Dave and I talk about life as parents with two kids under two years of age. Henry is three months old, so we are still extremely new at the two kid thing, but the learning curve for any child is steep, and three months can seem like three years in parenting time.

What have I learned about parenting two under two? First, a person can function off remarkably little sleep, a lesson I thought I had learned with Amelia, but I didn’t realize then how much sleep I was really getting since I could nap while she napped. Henry’s sleep seemed to be improving, until it wasn’t (that phrase is what Dave likes to call a Meredithism). He now, again, wakes every two hours. I end up bringing him into bed around 3am and he usually continues nursing for like an hour as I contort my body in weird positions, or he gets gas and pummels me. Needless to say, this set up isn’t working for me. I might knock on the sleep consultant’s door once again because sleep is not optional, at least not for me.

Second, logistics matter. Have you ever wondered how you take a walk with two kids, one of whom obviously can’t walk and the other who can not only walk but run away very very quickly? I assumed I’d plop H in the Ergo, leaving my hands free to chase after A, a plan that would have been perfect if H for some reason actually liked the Ergo and didn’t scream bloody murder the whole time he is in it. For such a chill child, this is one inconvenient unchill preference. He likes to be held ALL THE TIME.  I attempted one laissez-faire walk around the block during which I held H and let A roam free. It all fell apart when H had a blow out and A didn’t want to head home and ran away down the street. We now reserve walks to family time so that daddy can help, and we liberally use our Phil and Ted Double Stroller. Most of the time, Amelia helps me push the empty stroller while Dave holds Henry, but I like having the carting option. Don’t even get me started on how to shower with two kids around. If anyone knows how to do this easily, let me know. In the meantime, if Dave isn’t here, I let my stink flag fly.

Recently, I came across a blog called Baby Bunching. The authors have compiled some tips and truths about life with young children so close in age. Two of my favorite tips include forgetting about the structured activities (amen) and carving out alone time, as in being all alone without having to respond to anybody at all (oh yes please). Amelia went to baby sign language classes, music classes, swim lessons, all before she was one. Even as I was doing this with her, I noticed the only second children in the classes came with nannies. They’ll both do swim again because I’m all about safety, but the others aren’t really necessary. As for alone time, right now I demand long weekend showers or evening baths or no one else allowed walks, but eventually I’m going to lobby for a massage membership. Since I’m typing this with one hand while nursing my second under two, I’ll bid adieu, but if you have any tips for Dave and me, let us know!

This is a podpost for Podcast Episode 36. Does having children make people less happy than those without? Short answer, yes. Long answer, it depends on how many children you have, whether you are a man or woman, how happiness is defined, and whether any of these studies that attempt to quantify happiness can be taken seriously.

Disregarding the general merits of studies that have people express their level of happiness in multiple choice form, the findings that children do not necessarily make people happy should not be shocking to any new parent (and I happen to be one). Babies scream a lot. They poop a lot. They NEED NEED NEED all the time and all they can give is the occasional super cute coo and cuddle. Toddlers scream a lot. They poop a lot (not always in a diaper). They NEED NEED NEED all the time and all they can give in return is the occasional hug, kiss, and super cute ballerina twirl.

In the last week, I’ve ushered a screaming toddler into timeout, while my boob leaked all over the carpet because the reason for said timeout was this toddler’s choice to hit both mommy and baby brother while mommy was feeding baby brother. She screamed. He screamed. I wanted to scream. If some researcher had called me at that moment and asked if I was happier now that I had kids, I’d think back to the days when I could shower in peace, go to a coffee shop and read a book, or have a decent conversation with my husband and I’d say “NO!”

But of course that would be a lie because if that same researcher asked me if I’d trade my children for anything in the world, including those pre-baby peaceful moments, I’d laugh in his face. In fact the thought of losing my two babies is enough to make me upset over the hypothetical. This is a long way of saying, happiness studies are probably stupid.

Even if they are stupid, I’m still intrigued by the findings and by our collective cultural fascination with measuring something as vague as happiness. New York Magazine ran a pretty good summary article in 2010, the same year I became a parent, deconstructing some of these studies. The article points out that the most oft-cited study is that of the Nobel prize winning behavioral economist Daniel Kahneman who surveyed over 900 Texan women and discovered they didn’t find childcare to be all that fun. Is it just me or does the profession of behavioral economist sound totally awesome?

The article notes “As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns. But some of the studies are grimmer than others. Robin Simon, a sociologist at Wake Forest University, says parents are more depressed than non-parents no matter what their circumstances—whether they’re single or married, whether they have one child or four.”

Senior, the article’s author, tries to figure out why parenting is so darn miserable. She suggests parenting has changed over the last century, especially for the middle and upper middle classes, wherein children have become our bosses; they are no longer needed as family labor and have turned into family projects. This means we spend more time with our kids, but always think we aren’t doing enough for our kids. What a guilt-inducing paradox.

Senior seems to fall into the camp that more social programs for moms would make us happier parents (of both genders), and maybe a little less meta-analysis of parenting would help as well. However, Senior admits “More generous government policies, a sounder economy, a less pressured culture that values good rather than perfect kids—all of these would certainly make parents happier. But even under the most favorable circumstances, parenting is an extraordinary activity, in both senses of the word extra: beyond ordinary and especially ordinary. While children deepen your emotional life, they shrink your outer world to the size of a teacup, at least for a while.”

What I like the most about this article is that Senior ends my calling into question the very importance of moment-to-moment happiness. Existential rewards are not the same as coffee breaks. Having fun is not even the same as being happy. She points to the study by Tom Gilovich in which he followed up with men and women from the 1921 Terman study. What did he discover? No one regretted having children, but ten people regretted not having children.

What do I take from all this? Having kids probably won’t make you happier in the short term, maybe not even in the long term, if happiness is only defined in terms of discrete joy, yet you’ll be hard-pressed to find a mother or father who sincerely regrets having children. Raising another human being is hard work, even in the days before our parenting manuals and overthinking blogs (I don’t know about you, but working on a farm while having ten kids doesn’t sound like a clear path to our definition of happiness either).

This week’s Podpost for Podcast Episode 33 is courtesy of Melitsa Avila who is part of an Air Force military family. She is busy raising three smiley active boys, one bouncy dog, and lots of dust bunnies currently in the UK. She writes about everyday play activities for the under 5′s and is the host of an Early Years radio show about Raising Playful Tots.

We’ve moved a few times as a military family. We’re in our ninth home. We love to travel but not to move. Who would? When you switch continents you have all your electricals that work in one country and now won’t work in another. Furniture is meant for your living room or outside porch and not wrapped, taped, shipped and taken thousands of miles. They won’t all make it and won’t necessarily fit in your new home.

You’re life is packed up along with your memories and sanity. You hope and pray that most stay intact at the other end. There are lots of military spouses at home with their little ones doing their best while their partners are serving their country away from home on a deployment or remote tour.

We’re in the trenches, but in a different way.

Learning to value

Perspective is a wonderful thing and having listened to a recent military edition episode of This American Life, I could totally understand the young wife’s perspective. It’s crystal clear why military members stick together in groups for support, as we understand each other. What struck me about her story and the other stories is the need (as military spouses) to tell our stories to a wider community.

Helping the children

This is what we’ve tried to do with our children as we moved them around with us.

• Take pictures of everyday actions in your home before you move. Photographs tell stories, especially for those too little to remember and with time we all forget.

• Enjoy maps- make placemats of maps and areas where you live, have lived, and where family live. Distance is much shorter when you can see it on a map.

• Play. Use everyday objects and find an opportunity to play. Post it notes and paper you’ll always find and can use.

• Reminders: photograph screen savers of times past serve as a reminder of the good, the funny, and the serious.

• Remember your rituals and routines and keep as many of them as possible. It grounds everyone when you’re in that (new) stressful mode.

• Know your story. Children didn’t have to say their city or explain where they lived in quite the same way when they lived in the previous country or place. But now that insignificant town or major city means different things. They’ll be telling their story a lot in the beginning so help them fashion it into something easy and clearly understood by adult or child.

• Invite over new playmates from playgroups, nursery, daycare, school, church as soon as possible. None of us feel like we belong in a new place until we can tell you the names of our new friends.

Our impressions matter to our children. Our positive outlook and take on the situation impacts how they see themselves and this new place. This will mean we have to be honest with ourselves and prepare our relationships and attitudes before we leave and adjust as we arrive. It means we maintain relationships and friendships from the past as well as look to new ones.

If you know of a military spouses in your community, especially if their partners are deployed or on a remote tour, reach out to them. They may be a long way from home and they would probably love to tell you their story.

In Podcast Episode 32: Feeding Your Toddler, my cousin Abby and I wax on about our feeding philosophies. We aren’t experts, but we are mothers of a toddler and, in my case, a pre-toddler. Although I’d like to think personal experience counts for a lot, I know it isn’t everything (which perhaps is something too many parents forget). Here are some of the sources Abby and I reference in the episode so that you can make your own informed decision about how you plan on feeding your toddler. If I have learned anything from the reaction to my Mamapedia post about Vitamin D, it has been that nutrition is a hot button issue in the mommy world. Moms don’t like their routines and philosophies questioned. For that reason, I’m shelving my opinion for a moment (yes, this is rare) and just pointing you to other people’s ideas, in no particular order.

• Baby Led Weaning by Gill Rapley: This is the approach that I’ve used with Amelia since she was 6 months old. For us, it has worked great and I do recommend it to people, but realize that it might be too out there for many. Unlike some BLWers, I don’t believe purees will actually hinder your child’s love of eating, but in our case, purees just weren’t necessary.

• The Sneaky Chef by Missy Chase Lapine: Abby read this one, so I can’t comment insightfully about it. From what I can tell, it explains how to hide good nutritious foods inside of other foods your child will actually eat. On the surface, this seems like the opposite of Baby Led Weaning, but when I think about it, they have similar philosophies, i.e. encouraging your child to like what he/she eats. Perhaps hiding veggies in mac and cheese isn’t the best way to introduce healthier options all the time, but I imagine it’s a fun means of nutritionalizing foods while you also offer veggies in more recognizable forms. Anything that makes food fun gets my vote.

• “Poor Diet May Lower Children’s IQ” in The Guardian: Abby sent me this article. I do think mothers can go a little overboard in worrying about what they are feeding their children; however, as this article points out, what you feed your kid DOES make a difference, not just physically, but mentally (My Philosophy 101 class taught me physical is mental. I got an A, so I must have eaten my veggies growing up).

• “To Win Toddler Food Battles, Take a Softer Approach” by Sarah Varney of NPR: This is the short NPR segment that provided a starting point for a lot of my research. I thank my friend Melanie for sending me the link. The title pretty much sums up the segment’s gist.

• Ellyn Satter: She has an entire website devoted to helping you feed your child. I reference her site in the podcast, and I’m still mulling over some of her ideas, but overall, I found her information pretty convincing.

Okay, so I can’t actually end a podpost without inserting my opinion. No matter how you feed your toddler or older child, just remember that passing along healthy eating habits is impossible until you’ve come to terms with your own relationship with food. I’m looking at you moms who count every calorie, spend all your days worrying about being fat, obsess over every bad thing you eat, and yet somehow expect your children, especially your daughters, to have a functional relationship with what they eat. Nobody’s perfect and I myself am not living the functional food relationship dream (Oh Oreos, how I love you), but I do recognize that food is something with which we engage every day, so it might as well be good for us and we might as well enjoy this good food without beating ourselves up over the occasional sweet or unhealthy treat. Happy eating.

Image: Michelle Meiklejohn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When trying to think of a Podpost topic for Podcast Episode 31: The Duchess, I considered writing about child custody in the 18th century or divorce or women in politics or motherhood, but ultimately decided the best way to put ourselves in Georgiana’s shoes is to literally look at her shoes. Here are some pictures of Georgiana, the Duke (no, not John Wayne), and Bess. Disclaimer: I’ve tried to find blogsafe photos, but I apologize if I’m stepping on anyone’s copyright toes.

The Duchess of Devonshire (Georgiana)

The Duke of Devonshire

Bess, the third member of the Devonshire marriage

The press criticizing Georgiana

An example of the muslin dress popularized by Georgiana at the end of the century.

Keira Knightly as Georgiana in the movie The Duchess.

I’ll admit that my knowledge about infertility was woefully small before talking to Kerry in Podcast Episode 30: Inquiries about Infertility. My knowledge of in vitro was even more scant (scanter?), whereas my knowledge about someone like the Octomom was depressingly vast. This is why this week’s Podpost is simply a look at some facts about infertility, not a digression into the extreme cases of in vitro or a critique of women waiting too long to have babies. Truthfully, the media representation of infertility is not an accurate gauge of the reality.

Here are some of the facts according to the National Women’s Resource Center (via a 2006 article from iVillage and a 2003 Discovery Health article).  Both articles cite the same source, yet have different statistics, highlighting the problem with statistics in general. I cite an approximation of the two sources when they don’t agree.

• Approximately 10% of all childbearing couples have problems conceiving. I don’t know why, but this seemed high to me. 1 in 10 couples have problems! No, tossing Taking Charge of Your Fertility at them (although a totally great book) will not solve most problems.

• One-third of infertility cases are attributed to men, one-third to women, and the rest to both members of a couple. Put another way, 25% of infertile couples have more than one factor contributing to their infertility. I was honestly shocked that the break down was so even. The men to women ratio didn’t surprise me as much as the one third attributed to both parties. I guess I always thought the problem could be specified, e.g. the man’s sperm had some issues or the women’s eggs weren’t working out. Infertility is obviously a more fluid and amorphous issue than I knew. Oh, and its not the “fault” of women most of the time. Good to know.

• Two-thirds of infertility cases are caused by ovulation problems and/or sperm deficiencies.

• 35-70% of women who have a laproscopy are found to have endometriosis. This is when endometrial cells grow in places other than the uterus. It can be very painful. I’m guessing this means ovulatory problems and endometriosis have a huge stronghold on female infertility.

• 85 to 90% of infertility cases are treated with medication or surgery. Only 5-10% involve assisted reproductive technologies like in vitro. Interesting. This is most definitely good news for the infertile couple, but also might point to the prohibitive cost of reproductive technologies, not necessarily to the magic of medication and surgery in 90% of the cases.

• Per month, a 29 year old woman has a 20% chance of getting pregnant, whereas a 39 year old woman has a 7% chance. I said in the intro that infertility isn’t just an issue for women over 35, but biology obviously plays a huge role in those cases and the biological clock isn’t a myth. At some point, your fertility will just run out (I’m pushing 30 and think about that sometimes).

• Pregnancy is possible for more than half of couples pursuing treatment. This is great news and also a little depressing. How much more than half? If only a little more, this means you have a fifty/fifty chance. Those odds are a little scary when thinking about creating a family. Well, I guess they could be inspiring as well and a reason to seek treatment. Glass half full or empty?

If you have struggled with infertility, feel free to comment below or on (Over)Thinking Mom’s facebook page.

Image: Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This week’s Podpost for Podcast Episode 29: Fathering the First Year takes a biological and anthropological look at fatherhood. You may have noticed a mini-trend in my posts lately. I spent all of my college and grad school years in liberal arts classes, with the exception of the forced chemistry and earth science semesters, so I might be making up for lost time by diverting my parenting research to the sciences. This week I look at a 2010 article by Gwen Dewar from Parenting Science.

She gives a thorough and interesting run down of the evolution of fatherhood among different species, pointing out that our pop psychology notion of biology that insists fathers gain more by spreading their seed and hence by shunning monogamy is actually untrue. I’m sure you’ve heard somewhere that men by nature prefer promiscuity and that modern culture, not nature, enforces monogamy. Dewar notes that in the animal kingdom this is often true, but not always.

Among other animals, she looks at wolves and apes. Apes and humans are often compared; Gorilla fathers are uninvolved in their offspring’s lives, so some take this to mean human fathers are going against their animal instincts by involving themselves in their children’s lives. Dewar compares Gorillas to wolves and wild dogs who do take an active role in protecting their young. Her conclusion: “When we look for comparative data about behavior, we don’t necessarily find the most instructive parallels amongst our closest living relatives.”

This is interesting, but I’m more intrigued by the biology and activity of human dads than our relationship to the animal kingdom. Dewar explains that anthropology reveals hunter-gatherer men as fairly involved in child care and traditional farming fathers as not. She explains why, so check out her article if this intrigues you.

One of the most important points Dewar makes is that fathering is variable. It varies among animal societies, human societies, and within societies. This means, from what I can gather, that fathering is not necessarily unnatural, as some might assert if they are taking a simplistic view of biology and society.

In fact, hormones actually contribute to the likelihood a dad will stick around. Men involved with the care of young children experience a drop in testosterone and a rise in prolactin (dads with higher prolactin levels respond more to babies than those with lower levels). And the more time dads spend with babies the more their hormones respond and the more likely they are to take an active fathering role.

What I took away from her article is that I need to stop reading pop psychology (I’m a sucker for Psychology Today) and that dads may respond differently to parenting than moms do but that fathering is still natural, despite some protestations to the contrary.

Image: Michelle Meiklejohn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In Podcast Episode 28 : The Not So Evil Stepmother, I talk with Ashley Michelle who had the unique experience of becoming a stepmother before her stepson was even born. Confused? Then listen to the podcast. She does a better job of explaining her situation than I can here. In the episode, Ashley Michelle and I talk a little about the myth of the wicked stepmother. Think Snow White, Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel (and all the Disney variations thereof).

Why do stepmoms get such a bad rap? Stepfathers aren’t looking in mirrors proclaiming themselves the fairest and trying to murder their step-broods, so whats up with the women? Maybe part of this myth imbalance has to do with the assumption the biological mother is in charge of the children and the stepfather is window dressing, but in the opposite instance, the father is easily influenced by the wicked stepmother because he’s either weak or dense or doesn’t know what to do with the kids in the first place. This is a theory, not a proclamation about actual gender based parenting skills.

Andrea Daly in a blog post from 2009 notes that step-fathers are often viewed as heroic for taking on someone else’s kids, whereas step-mothers are seen as riding in to take dad away. I had never thought about this before, but Daly has a point. Courts tend to side with moms over dads in custody cases, which results in more step-fathers as full time parents than step-mothers as primary caretakers. Maybe this has something to do with the heroic vision of the stepdad as the everyday man in the house versus the sometimes stepmom who might usurp the role of the biological mother when that mother isn’t around. Of course, this is only in cases of divorce when children move between homes.

But this doesn’t explain the historical notion of the evil stepmother. Courts used to favor fathers over mothers. Fathers had a legal right to children and many women chose to stay with their husbands rather than divorce for fear of losing their children all together. Remarriage was incredibly common in all historical time periods, so step-parenting isn’t a new modern phenomenon only related to divorce. What gives with the imbalance? I don’t know. Unraveling this myth is making my brain hurt. I need something concrete to hold on to in this podpost.

What is for sure is that blended families are becoming incredibly common and that they are statistical time bombs. Evil stepmother or not, step-parenting is rough on marriages. Daly lists some statistics that I’m inclined to believe since I’ve read similar ones in many other places, which could mean everyone is quoting bunk statistics or that everyone has their facts right. I’m sticking with the latter. It makes my head hurt less.

*More than half of all adult women in the U.S. will marry a man with children.

*70% of remarriages where both partners have kids, will fail.

*63% of marriages with a childless woman married to a man with children will fail.

*The greatest predictor of divorce is the presence of children from a previous marriage.

*Divorce rates are 50% higher in remarriages with children than in those without.

*Studies show that resentment towards stepmothers is much more intense than negative attitudes towards stepfathers.

Huh. It doesn’t look good out there for stepmothers, evil or not. If you are a step-parent, Ashley Michelle has a great perspective, so check out the podcast.

This week’s Podpost for Episode 27: Living with Autism is full of NPR love (I don’t call my podcast MPR for no reason. I’m totally an NPR fangirl.)

They recently had two shows about autism. The first is about the vaccine controversy and effectively explains why parents shouldn’t fear a vaccine/autism connection. The episode distills a lot of info and does a good job of explaining the issues, as well as answers listener concerns.

However, I don’t want to devote the podpost to over-publicized vaccines. As my interview with Marj showed me, a lot of time and energy has been focused on causes rather than on understanding. I had heard of Temple Grandin, one of the most famous and articulate autistic individuals out there, but hadn’t ever heard her talk about autism. A fairly recent episode of Fresh Air on NPR compiled some of their interviews with Grandin. A lot of information about autism is on the internet and you could spend forever reading about the issue, but sometimes just sitting back and listening to someone with autism talk about autism is preferable. It helps you absorb information in a different, less frantic, way than blog posts or newspaper articles allow.

Check out the Vaccine show by Diane Rehm.

Check out the show on Temple Grandin.

In Podcast Episode 26: People Still Smoke? I spend a lot of timing lambasting tobacco companies and listing the health ill-effects of maternal smoking. I now realize that criticism without offering any solution is down right annoying. I actually got annoyed with myself, a danger of podcasting because I am forced to listen to my own voice over and over and over.

As I state in the podcast, I don’t have smoking experience. Nicotine was never my drug of choice (for that, I have chocolate). I have watched people struggle with their addictions, so I know saying smoking is awful and harmful is one thing, but actually ending your habit is another. I said I would give up most sugar after the New Year and as I write this an empty Snickers wrapper sits next to me, and my thought isn’t “Wow, I feel so awful for breaking promises to myself and hurting my health” but rather “Why didn’t I buy the King Size? Who doesn’t buy the King Size?” In other words, just because we know something is bad doesn’t mean we don’t do it.

Okay, but smoking IS really bad. My grandfather died of lung cancer, the smoking kind of lung cancer, which, by the way, is the most common kind. I have friends who grew up with a smoking parent and often wished their mom or dad or whomever was able to quit. It really does affect the whole family. Sometimes that parent wanted to quit and tried many times, but often it was too hard.

What resources are available for smokers, other than things you can buy in a drugstore. I don’t know anyone who has used this program, but I recently ran across the American Lung Association’s Freedom from Smoking Online program. Unless you are Mrs. or Mr. Will Power, a plan of action is required for combating any addiction. I like that this program provides a curriculum, but also offers message boards, a Lung Helpline, and relaxation exercises. I’m guessing more women than men use this program. Something this detailed appeals to my estrogen brain.

You can access the bare bones of the program for free, but to use things like support communities, a premium membership is required. It costs $15 for a three month subscription and $40 for a one year subscription, a pretty good deal when you add up how much cigarettes cost. You can also give the subscription as a gift for a loved one, something I recommend only if you think your loved one would be receptive to not so subtle nagging.

Image: tungphoto / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In Podcast Episode 25: Dealing with Deployment, I talk with Amy, whose husband is stationed in Afghanistan for 8 months. Any way you cut it, this situation stinks worse than Amelia’s diaper after eating Indian food (that baby loves her masala).

When I was a little girl I remember my father deploying quite a bit, but in a fuzzy kind of way. As a really little girl, my non-military friends might ask “Where is your dad?” prompting me to evaluate a topic I hadn’t thought too much about. One week or one month to a kid is often the same. I would wonder, “Huh, where is my dad?”

This is not a reflection on my dad, but rather an observation about a child’s brain. This is why I think deployments are much harder on spouses than on kids, despite the heart-felt reunions we often see on television. Yes, missing daddy or mommy is intense, and I don’t want to suggest that children of military service members, especially service members on long deployments in very dangerous areas, come out unscathed. Recent research has shown that children with a deployed parent suffer from more emotional and anxiety disorders than those without. However, the onus of keeping things together is placed on the parent left-behind, usually the mother; she must soothe the children, run a household, in many instances bring in part of the family income, and deal with her own loneliness. You can see why I’m not at all looking forward to Dave’s eventual deployments.

Although I’ve been married to the military for over a year and a half and although I grew up as a Navy Brat, I have managed to tune out much of the military speak. I’m not exactly the rah rah rah military poster wife. I like to know what Dave does at his job and how that works, but my brain is a complete blank in terms of knowing the inter-workings of the Navy or where to look for more information.

Luckily, at a recent spouse’s group dinner, the XO’s wife mentioned the website Military One Source. If you have a spouse or family member in the military, I highly recommend checking it out; that is, if you don’t already know about it. I seem to be a little late to the Military One Source party, which is a shame because I’m usually so punctual.

Why is this site awesome? For one, it offers links to so many free resources. They have a 1-800 number prominently displayed in their sidebar that advertises free help 24/7.  They have an online library, tax filing services, and free webinars on topics ranging from getting your baby to sleep and raising a healthy eater. You can even call a consultant or get free counseling.

Military One Source isn’t restricted to families of the deployed, but I can see how the resources would be especially helpful at that time. Their services are “provided by the Department of Defense for active-duty, Guard, and Reserve service members and their families.” A lot of emphasis has been placed on the way technology and the Internet has helped families stay connected, and this is something Amy touches upon in the podcast, but I hadn’t really thought about the way the Internet has revolutionized the government’s means of  providing support. This definitely was not an option for my mom when we were little. If anyone has used their services, let me know if the site is as cool as it looks.

Image: Bill Longshaw / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In Podcast Episode 24: Early Childcare from the Provider’s Perspective, I talk with Kate about the childcare philosophy at Community Children’s Center in Storrs, CT. My conversation with Kate made me 1) wish I lived in Storrs so I could check out CCC because it sounds awesome and 2) realize the importance of play in childhood education, whether you send your child to a daycare or stay at home with him/her. The focus on play is not new, but I’m not naturally a hands off type of person, nor am I the most inventive, even though I remember engaging in a ton of imaginative play as a child. I’m also a naturally obsessive person (this podcast is called (Over)Thinking Mom for a reason), so I wondered why play is better than drills. Everyone, including me, has been in a tizzy about Amy Chua and her book in light of the harsh methods she advocates for getting your children to achieve excellence, and although most people tend to disagree with Chua’s methods, few have questioned the results. Can letting your kids play rather than sitting them down with alphabet flash cards really be a superior learning technique?

Dr. Alison Gopnik, professor of psychology and affiliate professor of philosophy at UC-Berkeley, recently stated in an interview “I hear more and more from teachers that parents are in a panic over academic preparedness…. What teachers can say to parents, though, is: ‘Play is not just some touchy-feely activity. And it’s not just that you want to leave children alone and not rush them. There’s hard evidence that children learn more things through play than they would in some academic setting’.” She notes that children will eventually learn the alphabet, but that a greater skill is learning how people work and what’s in their minds.  In other words, empathy sounds more important than grammar.  Amen.

The good news for us parents is that play is cheap (which is why I need to stop myself from insisting on buying and buying and buying).  Apparently mud and goldfish are preferable to battery operated so-called learning toys.  Huh.  I have quite a few plastic toys and no mud in the house.  Maybe I should get Dave to build Amelia a sandbox.

I don’t send Amelia to childcare; however, the conversation with Kate and her reference to NAEYC, aka the National Association for the Education of Young Children, led me to some great resources for all parents and caregivers of young children.  I found the interview with Dr. Gopnik there, so my recommendation to anyone interested in early childhood education is to start with NAEYC’s or CCC’s information. We don’t all need to be experts, but it would be nice for parents to know that letting your kids get dirty, play in mud, test out a stick, bang some pots and pans, and accidentally kill a goldfish are all great developmental activities.

Podcast Episode 23 is all about my cousin Bethany’s life story, and what a life she’s had so far. If you haven’t listened to the show yet, what are you waiting for? If I attempted to write the podpost accompanying the episode, I’d sound pretty foolish. Luckily, Bethany agreed to answer one of the questions I didn’t get to ask during the podcast. As a young, single mother raising five kids, where has she found the most help? Her thoughtful answer is below:

Raising five little children alone is very challenging. Thankfully, I have been incredibly blessed, both in having a family that has helped me every step of the way and in having the help of certain individuals, agencies, and programs when I needed it the most. My entire family has contributed to the love and care of the children. My parents were there for every birth, giving me love and support, and they have continued to give this support through all the years. My dad and mom are very active participants in all the children’s lives. In fact, we live in a home that belongs to my mother, and she lives right next door, allowing her to help and play with the kids. Her boyfriend is also very helpful and has become close with the kids. Additionally, my dad is extremely involved in the lives of the kids. He spends every Saturday up here and the kids spend weekends at his house quite often. He takes us on big trips every summer together. Both my parents participate in their school activities and sports. I also have two awesome brothers who are pretty cool uncles. My older brother with his wife and son live close by and they help watch the kids. My little brother lives in San Diego and he brightens their lives with his visits.

One of the greatest blessing in our lives has been a woman named Polly Janes. I met her when the twins were about a year old. She has provided loving care in her home for the kids for almost ten years (she is a professional in-home child care provider). She hasn’t just watched the kids, but has gotten them involved in lots of fun activities (library programs, gymnastics, etc.), has helped with homework, has provided rides to and from school, and much more. The quality of all of our lives has been greatly increased by her love and dedication to us.

Although the support of family and friends has been vital, I’ve also found necessary financial help through structured organizations. An agency called Child Care Resources has helped me pay for child care both when I was working and now that I am in school. This type of program is an essential part of success for most single mothers (or fathers) who are establishing themselves in a career or through an education.

A number of county and state agencies have helped me in this journey, including the county mental health department that provided necessary counseling for both me and some of the children, state and tribal programs that provided financial assistance, and community action programs that occasionally helped with utility bills when times were really tight. These programs and agencies are out there to help mothers/parents who may be struggling, so my advice to other young single mothers is to not be ashamed or hesitant to seek out the help you need. And yes many times you have to actively seek it out and be an advocate for yourself.

Ultimately, we all need help at some point in our lives, and these programs exist for that very reason. Seeking help makes you stronger and allows you to help others in the future. I know there will come a time in my life when I will be in a position to contribute to the welfare of others, and I know my children will grow up able to empathize with and help out those in need.

Don’t forget to subscribe to all (Over)Thinking Mom posts by RSS or Email.  Are you afraid of commitment?  That’s okay, you can subscribe to each portion of the blogcast separately.  Check out by RSS or Email the once a week Podpost (a blog post elaborating on that week’s podcast episode).  And attention all social media addicts! Stay up to date with the show’s facebook page.

Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As I promised in Podcast Episode 22:  Modern Day Wet Nursing this week’s podpost will be a link to the video of Salma Hayek breastfeeding another woman’s baby while she was on a humanitarian mission in Sierra Leone.  Sierra Leone has the highest infant mortality rate in the world, largely a result of tetanus (the reason for Hayek’s visit), but also because of poor nutrition, something that is exacerbated by stigma surrounding breastfeeding in this nation.  Any thoughts on the video?  As I state in the podcast, my initial reaction was one of “huh?” that eventually changed to one of “how nice.”

In Podcast Episode 21 I talk with Alyssa about the life of a stay at home mom.  Before having Amelia I knew I wanted to stay home, both because my unfinished degree in English Lit. isn’t exactly a money making resume builder (even if I had completed the PhD, I wouldn’t have been rolling in dough…my sugar addiction is so bad I’m imagining cinnamon roll dough right now.  My New Year’s resolution of eating less sugar is causing horrible digressions in my writing) and because I like/d the idea of spending the first few years at home with my children.  However, I’m convinced the current life of a stay at home mom is unnatural.  A mothering community has all but disappeared in many parts of the country, which means SAHMS (yes, I’m going to use the acronym) need to spend a lot of time and energy searching for substitute communities.

I don’t believe children should spend their days with only one person, but this has become the life for many SAHMS, even if we are carting our babes to kindermusik or play dates.  This is a fairly recent isolating phenomenon.  I often wonder what moms did before the conveniences of grocery stores and washing machines.  A woman’s day would literally be spent keeping the household running, not leaving a lot of time to act as her children’s social chair.  The truth is these women had help, even the poor ones, but this is because the sheer energy exerted for basic survival, whether in 20th century suburbs, 19th century cities, 18th century farms, was all consuming.  I don’t romanticize the past life of a mother at home.  It was undoubtedly much more exhausting than our current routines of grocery shopping, laundry, playing, driving, visiting, etc…

However, since we do have all these modern conveniences and since a lot of moms are obsessed with things like playdates and blogs (guilty), many people view the life of a stay at home mom as easy banality.  Sure, its often banal, but not working has been the hardest job of my life.  The exhaustion of keeping an eye on another human being every second of the day can be overwhelming, especially when this human being is as energetic and fussy as my dear daughter.

The isolation, the exhaustion, the lack of privacy have all been my truths about staying at home, but here’s the kicker, if a high paying job was tossed in my lap tomorrow, I’d likely refuse it, at least for the time being.  The other truth about staying at home is the banal details of the day that exhaust are also the details that wonderfully slow down my interactions with Amelia.  I get to watch Amelia grow up in tiny increments that are pretty amazing.  If I was at work during the day, I wouldn’t have Amelia’s laugh punctuating my afternoon.  I wouldn’t have after lunch dance time.  I wouldn’t have the ability to nurse her whenever I like.

I know many moms who work and wish they could stay home, moms who work and know working suits their personality and makes them better mothers for it, moms who stay at home and wish they could spend their day with adults rather than babies, moms who stay at home and feel like it is exactly as they imagined, and moms who, like me, stay at home and sometimes wish they could get away, but who ultimately feel so grateful they have the choice to cuddle anytime with their little drooling, crawling, screaming, giggling bundles of joy.

Don’t forget to subscribe to all (Over)Thinking Mom posts by RSS or Email.  Are you afraid of commitment?  That’s okay, you can subscribe to each portion of the blogcast separately.  Check out by RSS or Email the once a week Podpost (a blog post elaborating on that week’s podcast episode).  And attention all social media addicts! Stay up to date with the show’s facebook page.

Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Again, no podcast this week.  I’m likely in the air as you read this, headed back from the land of snow and Santa to the land of palm trees and sun.  As the new year approaches, I’m making a podcasting wish list.  I started this hobby back in August when Amelia was four months old and although I’m still learning the ropes, I’m proud of myself for sticking with it and for improving over time.  I’ve changed the website look a zillion times, or around that.  Since August, as I’ve learned about podcasting, I’ve changed media hosting companies, my RSS feed, my iTunes logo, my theme music, my microphones, my recording equipment, etc…  and I still want to improve more of the set-up, much to my husband’s chagrin.  Unfortunately, what I imagine and what I can achieve are not always the same, usually because a 350 dollar microphone is hard to justify at the moment.  But this is why I’ve made myself a wish list.  Who knows?  Maybe by next August I can get the Heil PR-40 after all.  In the meantime, if you find yourself with a story to tell in the New Year, consider appearing on (Over)Thinking Mom.  Feel free to email me at info@overthinkingmom.com or fill out this form to pitch a show.  If you have been listening to the show through all its changes, don’t forget you can leave a review in iTunes.  Happy New Year’s!

Don’t forget to subscribe to all (Over)Thinking Mom posts by RSS or Email.  Are you afraid of commitment?  That’s okay, you can subscribe to each portion of the blogcast separately.  Check out by RSS or Email the once a week Podpost (a blog post elaborating on that week’s podcast episode).  And attention all social media addicts! Stay up to date with the show’s facebook page.

Image: renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As you may have noticed, I did not post a podcast episode this week.  Christmas is in two days and I’m spending family time in Albany, New York.  My lack of portable podcasting equipment combined with my inability to move my frozen limbs have prompted me to take a two week podcasting break.  All the other blog posts will continue as usual.  In lieu of a podpost about a non-existent podcast episode, I’d like to solicit suggestions, ideas, or pitches from you, dear reader or listener, wherever you are.  If you have a great idea for a future episode, please email me at info@overthinkingmom.com, fill out the form on the contact page, or leave a comment below.  I record phone interviews either via skype or via the old-fashioned phone, which means if you fancy yourself a podcast participant, I’d love for you to appear on the show of your choice.  If you’d like to hear about upcoming episodes while they are still being produced, sign up for the monthly “In the Works” newsletter.  The sign up form is in the right sidebar.  Merry Christmas!

Don’t forget to subscribe to all (Over)Thinking Mom posts by RSS or Email.  Are you afraid of commitment?  That’s okay, you can subscribe to each portion of the blogcast separately.  Check out by RSS or Email the once a week Podpost (a blog post elaborating on that week’s podcast episode).  And attention all social media addicts! Stay up to date with the show’s facebook page.

Image: dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In Podcast Episode 20, I read “Goody Santa Claus on a Sleigh Ride,” an 1889 poem by Katherine Lee Bates and one of the first popularizations of Santa’s wife (Goody Santa Claus is Mrs. Santa Claus).  The poem is told from Mrs. Claus’ perspective and provides a truly lovely image of the bored Victorian domestic housekeeper, the one propping up Santa Claus with all her work, who is also somehow beyond the average mortal, who speaks her mind, and who uses her domestic arts to fix a poor urchin’s stocking.  The poem may not be great literature, but it is a nice Christmas story and a version of Mrs. Claus we rarely see, which is a tad ironic because this poem helped create Mrs. Claus in the first place.  It is below:

GOODY SANTA CLAUS ON A SLEIGH RIDE

Santa, must I tease in vain, Deer? Let me go and hold the reindeer,
While you clamber down the chimneys. Don’t look savage as a Turk!
Why should you have all the glory of the joyous Christmas story,
And poor little Goody Santa Claus have nothing but the work?

It would be so very cozy, you and I, all round and rosy,
Looking like two loving snowballs in our fuzzy Arctic furs,
Tucked in warm and snug together, whisking through the winter weather
Where the tinkle of the sleigh-bells is the only sound that stirs.

You just sit here and grow chubby off the goodies in my cubby
From December to December, till your white beard sweeps your knees;
For you must allow, my Goodman, that you’re but a lazy woodman
And rely on me to foster all our fruitful Christmas trees.

While your Saintship waxes holy, year by year, and roly-poly,
Blessed by all the lads and lassies in the limits of the land,
While your toes at home you’re toasting, then poor Goody must go posting
Out to plant and prune and garner, where our fir-tree forests stand.

Oh! but when the toil is sorest how I love our fir-tree forest,
Heart of light and heart of beauty in the Northland cold and dim,
All with gifts and candles laden to delight a boy or maiden,
And its dark-green branches ever murmuring the Christmas hymn!

Yet ask young Jack Frost, our neighbor, who but Goody has the labor,
Feeding roots with milk and honey that the bonbons may be sweet!
Who but Goody knows the reason why the playthings bloom in season
And the ripened toys and trinkets rattle gaily to her feet!

From the time the dollies budded, wiry-boned and saw-dust blooded,
With their waxen eyelids winking when the wind the tree-tops plied,
Have I rested for a minute, until now your pack has in it
All the bright, abundant harvest of the merry Christmastide?

Santa, wouldn’t it be pleasant to surprise me with a present?
And this ride behind the reindeer is the boon your Goody begs;
Think how hard my extra work is, tending the Thanksgiving turkeys
And our flocks of rainbow chickens — those that lay the Easter eggs.

Home to womankind is suited? Nonsense, Goodman! Let our fruited
Orchards answer for the value of a woman out-of-doors.
Why then bid me chase the thunder, while the roof you’re safely under,
All to fashion fire-crackers with the lighting in their cores?

See! I’ve fetched my snow-flake bonnet, with the sunrise ribbons on it;
I’ve not worn it since we fled from Fairyland our wedding day;
How we sped through iceberg porches with the Northern Lights for torches!
You were young and slender, Santa, and we had this very sleigh.

Jump in quick then? That’s my bonny. Hey down derry! Nonny nonny!
While I tie your fur cap closer, I will kiss your ruddy chin.
I’m so pleased I fall to singing, just as sleigh-bells take to ringing!
Are the cloud-spun lap-robes ready? Tirra-lirra! Tuck me in.

Off across the starlight Norland, where no plant adorns the moorland
Save the ruby-berried holly and the frolic mistletoe!
Oh, but this is Christmas revel! Off across the frosted level
Where the reindeers’ hoofs strike sparkles from the crispy, crackling snow!

There’s the Man i’ the Moon before us, bound to lead the Christmas chorus
With the music of the sky-waves rippling round his silver shell —
Glimmering boat that leans and tarries with the weight of dreams she carries
To the cots of happy children. Gentle sailor, steer her well!

Now we pass through dusky portals to the drowsy land of mortals;
Snow-enfolded, silent cities stretch about us dim and far.
Oh! how sound the world is sleeping, midnight watch no shepherd keeping,
Though an angel-face shines gladly down from every golden star.

Here’s a roof. I’ll hold the reindeer. I suppose this weather-vane, Dear,
Some one set here just on purpose for our teams to fasten to.
There’s its gilded cock, — the gaby! — wants to crow and tell the baby
We are come. Be careful, Santa! Don’t get smothered in the flue.

Back so soon? No chimney-swallow dives but where his mate can follow.
Bend your cold ear, Sweetheart Santa, down to catch my whisper faint:
Would it be so very shocking if your Goody filled a stocking
Just for once? Oh, dear! Forgive me. Frowns do not become a Saint.

I will peep in at the skylights, where the moon sheds tender twilights
Equally down silken chambers and down attics bare and bleak.
Let me show with hailstone candies these two dreaming boys — the dandies
In their frilled and fluted nighties, rosy cheek to rosy cheek!

What! No gift for this poor garret? Take a sunset sash and wear it
O’er the rags, my pale-faced lassie, till thy father smiles again.
He’s a poet, but — oh, cruel! he has neither light nor fuel.
Here’s a fallen star to write by, and a music-box of rain.

So our sprightly reindeer clamber, with their fairy sleigh of amber,
On from roof to roof , the woven shades of night about us drawn.
On from roof to roof we twinkle, all the silver bells a-tinkle,
Till blooms in yonder blessèd East the rose of Christmas dawn.

Now the pack is fairly rifled, and poor Santa’s well-nigh stifled;
Yet you would not let your Goody fill a single baby-sock;
Yes, I know the task takes brain, Dear. I can only hold the reindeer,
And so see me climb down chimney — it would give your nerves a shock.

Wait! There’s yet a tiny fellow, smiling lips and curls so yellow
You would think a truant sunbeam played in them all night. He spins
Giant tops, a flies kites higher than the gold cathedral spire
In his creams — the orphan bairnie, trustful little Tatterkins.

Santa, don’t pass by the urchin! Shake the pack, and deeply search in
All your pockets. There is always one toy more. I told you so.
Up again? Why, what’s the trouble? On your eyelash winks the bubble
Mortals call a tear, I fancy. Holes in stocking, heel and toe?

Goodman, though your speech is crusty now and then there’s nothing rusty
In your heart. A child’s least sorrow makes your wet eyes glisten, too;
But I’ll mend that sock so nearly it shall hold your gifts completely.
Take the reins and let me show you what a woman’s wit can do.

Puff! I’m up again, my Deary, flushed a bit and somewhat weary,
With my wedding snow-flake bonnet worse for many a sooty knock;
But be glad you let me wheedle, since, an icicle for needle,
Threaded with the last pale moonbeam, I have darned the laddie’s sock.

Then I tucked a paint-box in it (’twas no easy task to win it
From the Artist of the Autumn Leaves) and frost-fruits white and sweet,
With the toys your pocket misses — oh! and kisses upon kisses
To cherish safe from evil paths the motherless small feet.

Chirrup! chirrup! There’s a patter of soft footsteps and a clatter
Of child voices. Speed it, reindeer, up the sparkling Arctic Hill!
Merry Christmas, little people! Joy-bells ring in every steeple,
And Goody’s gladdest of the glad. I’ve had my own sweet will.

Don’t forget to subscribe to all (Over)Thinking Mom posts by RSS or Email.  Are you afraid of commitment?  That’s okay, you can subscribe to each portion of the blogcast separately.  Check out by RSS or Email the once a week Podpost (a blog post elaborating on that week’s podcast episode).  And attention all social media addicts! Stay up to date with the show’s facebook page.

Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In Podcast Episode 19, I talk with Lindsay about her experiences using family care and daycare for her daughter.  Because of my stay at home mom status, I feel a little odd writing about this topic, and although I do send Amelia to a nanny for five hours one day a week, an expert that does not make me.  However, I come from Bartron stock, which means I may be no expert, but I’ll give my opinion anyway.  My grandfather used to say “I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.”  My husband thinks this sums up the Bartron family pretty well.

Okay, so I don’t take Amelia to daycare, but this doesn’t mean I have no opinion on how a baby’s day should be spent.  I like organization and planning, but all my attempts at early scheduling failed with Amelia.  As a result, our days turned into free form reactions to her moods and only recently have I detected a pattern, one that came naturally.  I’m now a big advocate of creating a routine for the day, but not a schedule.  What’s the difference between a routine and schedule?  In my mind, a routine follows the same general pattern with room for improv, but a schedule deems Amelia nap at the same exact time every day or that all her play be structured.  I don’t know how someone would structure an infant’s play, but I suppose it can be done.  The only essential part of Amelia’s routine is sleep, or, at least, an attempt to get her to sleep.  I also feed her solids around the same time each day, but not always.  As for the nursing schedule, that has completely disappeared.  I nurse when she looks hungry.

I read a really great book called Bright From the Start when Amelia was a wee babe, and it has some seemingly full proof advice on finding the right type of childcare.  The author, Jill Stamm, talks about the way a baby’s brain develops and how our modern achievement obsessed culture places too much emphasis on arbitrary high tech modes of learning at the expense of the type of fluid, play based activities a child needs.  In other words, downtime is absolutely essential for proper baby brain development and any daycare center that tries to structure every moment of a baby’s day is misguided.  This point really resonates with me because it makes me slow down and focus more on how I am interacting with Amelia than on what I can buy to make her smarter (Smarter than whom?  I don’t know).

A recent article in Parents magazine caught my eye because it offers 8 tips for finding the right daycare.  Before reading “What Makes a Great Daycare” I wondered if the advice in a national and mainstream parenting magazine would jive with the science in Bright from the Start.  Most of the advice in the article seems good enough, e.g. get recommendations, know your priorities, look beyond jargon, and follow your gut.  I especially like the advice to make sure the caregivers feel empowered and engaged with the children.  When it comes down to it, caregivers are the most important part of any daycare equation.  You want your child to form an attachment, and happy caregivers are likely to feel empowered, likely to stick around, and likely to form great bonds with the children.

A tip from the article that left me a little confused was the emphasis on “clear plans and programs” and on a structured day.  Sure, kids thrive on repetition.  It makes them feel secure, but a daycare that treats little kids like they are in school might not allow enough exploratory down time.  As Stamm notes, sometimes the most productive time is “sloppy time.”  This doesn’t mean a baby shouldn’t be exposed to some form of structure, but nothing is really a waste of time for a baby (except maybe too much television or the DMV).

The truth is no one way of caring for a baby is the right way.  The main requirements are a loving and safe environment and an attentive caregiver.  A child who feels safe, secure, loved, and stimulated in some way, rigidly scheduled or not, will thrive in his/her own way.  Reading back that sentence, I realize why finding a good daycare can be so stressful.  Love, safety, security, stimulation?  How do you measure those?  Hmmm.  I’ll stop writing now and leave any future advice to the working moms and childcare providers of the world.

One of those working moms is my cousin Bethany who uses in-home childcare and has for the last ten years.  She offers three questions to ask a possible child-care provider and I think these questions would be useful for someone looking at home-care (as Bethany uses) or daycare (as Lindsay uses).  Bethany writes, “Here are some questions I considered to find what is truly important to me in a child care provider.

Question 1:  Why did you chose caring for children as your profession?

Question 2: Describe to me a day in the life of my child at your home? Why is the day structured like this and how do you and the children benefit from this schedule and these activities? As a parent how can I help maximize these benefits?

Question 3: What methods of discipline and conflict resolution do you employ? Do you use the same methods for all children, or do you tailor your methods to the individual behaviors of each child?”

I also have a cousin who is a childcare provider (I’m related to a wealth of information).  Another former Bartron, my cousin Kate, writes “I think quality childcare in an early childhood program is positively influenced by low staff turnover and low teacher:child ratios, to name a couple of things.  Being accredited by NAEYC is generally a good sign of quality in a center, as well.  In childcare overall, I would say caring, knowledgeable, and professional caregivers are key.”  I’ll go with what they said.

In Podcast Episode 18, I talk with Connie Marshall of Life Fitness 4 Me, a personal trainer based in San Diego who taught me how to workout post-partum.  My budget couldn’t accommodate a regular personal trainer, but I knew I needed someone to teach me the basics and design a workout plan for me that I could do on my own.  Luckily, Connie has a Start Me Up package involving a few sessions in which she creates a personalized workout plan that you can re-create on your own.

I’m not a particularly athletic person;  I was that girl in high school gym class constantly bumping the air when we played volleyball because of my horrible depth perception, or that girl hoping and praying for a written quiz on softball rather than the real thing (our teacher gave us quizzes; everyone hated these, except for me).  My husband to be was sporty in high school, which explains why our paths never crossed.  My general lack of an athletic gene, combined with my specific post-partum body, made me wary of hitting the gym without any preparation.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m also not completely out of shape.  To this day, I love a good game of tag, perhaps because I’m better at free form “sports.”  During my pregnancy, I went for daily walks and did the exercises from my prenatal yoga DVD over and over and over.  I gained quite a bit of weight, but ALL in my belly, and a big belly I had.  Check out this previous post to see a picture of me the day before my induction.  I look like a missile.  Strangers that week were asking if I was having twins or a watermelon (perhaps twin watermelons?).  When I went to the grocery store, I didn’t get the “look at the cute pregnant lady stares.” Instead I got shouts from across the store of “I sure hope that baby is coming soon.”  People started saying this to me in my sixth month of pregnancy.  I flew across country when I was five months pregnant and the TSA employee asked when I was due.  When I told her Amelia’s due date, her eyes got big and she exclaimed “It looks like any day now.”  Thanks, lady.  I wish I could have shown her my nine month belly.  She would have fainted.

Unsurprisingly, giving birth to a 9 pound 11 ounces baby when you have a petite frame can do unfortunate things to your body.  I was left with a diastasis.  NO ONE mentioned this term ever when I was pregnant, and when I tell others of why I shouldn’t do sit-ups or play tennis and golf (my lack of skill also hampers those pursuits), I’m met with the question, “What’s a diastasis?”  I decided to check out Connie Marshall’s services because she was the first trainer who actually knew what I was talking about.

A diastasis is actually a diastasis recti, a separation of the abdominal muscles that usually happens during pregnancy.  These muscles go back together, but not if they have been stretched too far.  You determine the size of your diastasis by lying on your back, holding your hand perpendicular to your belly button, putting your other hand behind your head, and lifting your head ever so slightly.  As soon as you feel a gulf (i.e. can feel the two separate sides of your abdominal muscles), stop.  If you lift your head too far, the gulf will get smaller and you’ll get an inaccurate reading.  If you can fit two fingers between the muscles, that is the size of the diastasis.  A two finger separation isn’t all that bad and barely qualifies as a disorder.  Mine is four fingers.  Lucky me.  You can do exercises to reduce the size, something I’ll talk about in a later podcast.  To be honest, I haven’t done these exercises in a couple months, so my diastasis hasn’t gotten any smaller.  A tummy tuck would also solve the problem, which reminds me that I really need to do those annoying exercises.  More importantly, exercising the wrong way can make the situation a whole lot worse.  For example, sit-ups are a horrible idea for the post-partum body.  The act of lifting your shoulders and back off the ground and putting pressure on the diastasis recti just spreads the muscles farther apart.  That would have been nice to know the first couple months after having a giant baby when I was frantically trying to do 100 sit-ups a day.

If you think you have a diastasis, I suggest googling the term, then buying the book Lose Your Mummy Tummy.  I also suggest you don’t even consider working out post-partum without consulting someone, whether it be a trainer like Connie Marshall or simply the aforementioned book.  Too often pregnant and post-partum women are so concerned about burning calories or losing weight that they overlook HOW they should be working out.  This is why I believe a personal trainer, especially for women who just had a baby, should not be looked upon as a pipe dream.  Working out isn’t simply about boosting your mommy ego or giving yourself energy, all good things, but also about not facilitating the creation of the Gulf of Mexico on your belly.  Paying for a little body knowledge is worth more than buying those over priced jeans to hide your body.

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In Podcast Episode 17 I spend a lot time talking about Sarah Hale’s anti-suffragist and anti-abolitionist sentiments, sentiments that too many articles and public documents about Hale overlook.  However, perhaps in the podcast I shortchange some of the other things one should know about Hale and about her campaign for Thanksgiving.

The first is the way the impending Civil War influenced her desire for the national holiday.  She didn’t merely want to bring immigrants into a homogeneous national fold, she also wanted to prevent a sundering of the nation and felt a national holiday of thanks would instill love and loyalty to the Union.  It didn’t.  But, hey, not all good ideas work as we plan.  Although President Lincoln didn’t issue the Thanksgiving proclamation until 1863, as the Civil War was tearing apart the Union, Hale began her campaign many years before, penning scores of letters for this cause.   Ultimately, the Civil War (impending and actual) was a backdrop for this holiday (a backdrop I can’t believe I forgot to emphasize in the podcast!).

Hale opposed giving women the right to vote.  Bad, bad Hale.  She was one of those “women can be powerful in moral but not political ways” anti-Suffragists (Oh Hale, how ironic that you had political clout and convinced the President of the United States to give us a national holiday we celebrate to this day).  However, she did support many other improvements for women.  For example, her magazine gave many women writers a platform.  She strove to allow women in new professions, and saw technology as a means to help ease the burden of traditional woman’s work.  Sure, according to Hale, women should be at home, but why not have a sewing machine or washing machine to help out.  And, of course, even as her magazine urged valorization of the domestic hearth she helped many women in their literary and professional careers.  I said she was complicated, didn’t I?  Hale even wanted women to be doctors.  Doctors!  Maybe she was more ahead of her time than I admitted in the podcast.  If only I could overlook that pesky not wanting women to vote problem or wanting African Americans to remain slaves problem.

Another interesting Hale fact is her authorship of “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”  I don’t know all the words, but thank you anyway, Sarah.  And let’s be honest, I wouldn’t have a copy of Real Simple lying next to me if Hale hadn’t published her Godey’s Lady’s Book all those years ago.  Was Sarah Hale an American Patriot?   Maybe.  Was she an American pioneer?  I say yes.  Time for turkey.  Feel free to annoy your family with all your new knowledge.  If you haven’t listened to Podcast Episode 17, what are you waiting for?  Happy Thanksgiving!

This is a good video summary of Hale.

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Image: Michael Elliott / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Most marriage experts, usually counselors or magazine editors or both, are quick to suggest newlyweds wait before having kids.  Actually, most couples I know have waited at least a year, usually more, before popping out a baby, unless of course they reversed the order and had a child before marriage, but that is a different topic entirely.  The only people I know who actually encourage children early in a marriage are the would be grandparents or those who are religious and don’t believe in birth control.  Otherwise, most people, especially exhausted couples who actually have children, are quick to encourage newlyweds to hold off.  I understand the value of this advice.  It goes something like this:

1)  Children change your life and your relationship completely.

2)  You should have a chance to be married and to get to know your spouse before number 1 happens.

3)  Divorce is incredibly traumatic on kids and you need to make sure your marriage is strong before bringing children into it.

4)  You need to learn how to communicate effectively with your spouse before adding new stressors.

5) Kids are expensive, like really really expensive.

Sure, all those reasons for waiting are valid, but none of them convinced me nor Dave to put the kibosh on our procreating plans.  We got engaged in August 2008, married in June 2009, and had our baby girl in April 2010.  I’ll save you the math.  No, it was not a shot gun wedding or a honeymoon baby, but we got pretty close to that.

I searched the internet and couldn’t find an article or blog post making a case for not waiting, or, at least, making the case for not waiting if you are under 35.  Therefore, I’ll try to make the unorthodox case myself.  It goes something like this:

1)  Children change your life and your relationship completely, but this is even more reason to welcome them into a nascent, but stable, relationship.  Why not grow together as a couple as you grow a family?  Babies don’t always tear a couple apart, nor do they necessitate putting the married relationship on hold.  Instead, this relationship can become stronger, not weaker, as a family grows.  Sure, this goes against numerous studies showing kids decrease marital satisfaction, but maybe, just maybe, this decrease comes as a result of getting too comfortable with a relationship that doesn’t include kids.  Can marital satisfaction decrease after having kids if you didn’t have much time to be married beforehand?  Perhaps I’ve found a loophole in the statistics.  Start married life with a baby and you can’t go down the happiness scale because you haven’t had time to go up.

2)  The best way to get to know your spouse is in a high stress situation, and I can’t think of that many things more high stress than having kids, other than an illness or death.  Sure, you could crack under the strain, but if you can survive a newlywed phase that includes morning sickness, mood swings, and colic, the rest is easy peasy.

3)  Divorce is incredibly traumatic on kids, but I’m not sure couples who have kids early in marriage are any more likely to divorce.  People divorce.  It stinks.  I can’t go into the myriad reasons for divorce because I’ve never experienced it, but I do know good communication is not determined by the length of time you’ve been married.

4)  Communicating effectively with your spouse and having similar goals and values is necessary before adding kids to the relationship.  However, this argument against having kids early seems to have the subtext of divorce.  In other words, this argument suggests you figure out if your relationship is doomed before bringing kids into the picture.  If your gut is telling you something is off or if you can’t communicate with your spouse, you shouldn’t have kids nine months after getting married or nine years after getting married.  You probably shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.  I do realize communication is a skill that can be learned and one that always needs to be practiced, but this is a different issue than the length of time between marriage and the baby carriage.

5)  Kids are expensive.  I don’t have a counterpoint to that.  They may be expensive, but parents don’t need to be rich.  If you haven’t discussed finances before tying the knot, that’s a big problem.

That’s my case.  You may have noticed the most popular case for not waiting–the religious one–has not made my list.  This is because that case has already been made by many people and is ultimately unconvincing to those who are fans of birth control.  After reading through my list, I can tell I’m reaching at little.  Maybe it’s not water tight, but so what?  If it leaks a little, find a bucket.  And if you are a newlywed unsure if you should have kids right away, you probably shouldn’t have kids right away.  On the other hand, if your biological clock is deafening, why wait?

[This was the podpost for Podcast Episode 16:  He Said/She Said, Your Post Baby Marriage Part II.]

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Image: renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

If you type “post baby marriage” or “baby proof your marriage” or “marriage after baby” into Google, you’ll be greeted with plenty of websites and blogs telling you in list format how to make sure you stay connected to your spouse.  That’s all fine and dandy, but I read all these lists before having Amelia and they were pretty useless once she arrived, not because the information was bad but because when I wanted to yell at Dave for not cleaning the kitchen or not getting out of bed fast enough or just not being around, I never, not once, thought back to one of those lists.

For example, right now I’m tempted to leave Dave a voicemail telling him how easy he has it because he is off in Fallon, NV while I’m forced, once again, to stop what I’m doing and go to my screaming baby girl who ABSOLUTELY REFUSES TO NAP!  Can you tell I’m frustrated?  I’M FRUSTRATED!  I realize imagining Fallon as a nice hideaway from domestic duties takes some imagination, but a screaming child, one who has just learned how to say ma-ma for what seems to be the sole purpose of making me feel guilty when I put her in her crib, can make even a place like Fallon seem like the Bahamas.

Yesterday, my frustration got to what I call the “voicemail point.”  I called Dave and left a voicemail that went something like this:  “This whole being a stay at home mom thing isn’t working and doesn’t seem fair.  Here is what we are doing.  You are getting out of the military to become a stay at home dad and I’m going to get a job that makes lots of money.”  Dave knows enough to not take these voicemails completely seriously.  In fact, he is so in tune to my emotions that he recognizes the voicemails as a sign of my need to vent, not as a personal attack on him (or a real suggestion he leave his job).  This is good because I’ve been reaching the “voicemail point” a lot lately (and these messages aren’t limited to when he is gone for a couple weeks.  Some days he’ll get two or three while he’s at work).  I don’t mention my crazed messages because I think they are a good idea.  They don’t reflect well on my emotional state.  However, they do reflect well on our marriage.  How can this be?  For one, we never have any secrets about our emotional states.  That’s good, right?  Mostly I think the voicemails show I can vent to him, and he to me, without fear of judgment or of causing permanent damage to our relationship.  If a vent, and there are many with a baby, is too harsh we let each other know.

What are the magic secrets for baby proofing your marriage (hint:  It doesn’t include leaving irrational messages for your spouse)?  I’ll spare you another long list and distill my thoughts into two steps:

1)  Be best friends BEFORE you have kids.

2)  Have good faith, i.e. assume your partner has good intentions instead of interpreting everything he/she says or does as a dig against you or a sign of his/her incompetence.  This is something we are still working on, but when we say the term “good faith” to the other person, it acts as a kind of verbal code prompting us to reevaluate how we are communicating.

As you can tell these two things depend upon picking a good partner before you have kids, so I have no idea how you would go about accomplishing this otherwise.  If you picked the wrong person, I don’t know what to tell you.  Sorry?  I got lucky.  I picked my best friend.

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The short answer to this podpost’s question is yes. In Podcast Episode 14: The Child Un-Friendly Skies I mention an American woman who sued the airline Qantas, claiming a three year old child’s scream caused hearing loss. She settled out of court and most details of the case have not been made public. These are the facts according to multiple news sources: Jean Barnard said a young boy’s scream caused her ears to bleed before a flight from Alice Springs to Darwin in 2009. The 67 year old woman was taken off the flight and brought to a hospital for treatment. She eventually sued Qantas, saying they did not do enough to prevent the incident.

Most of the headlines and reactions to this lawsuit are ones of skepticism. The headline for MailOnline.com is “Woman Who Already Wore Hearing Aid Wins Payout After Claiming Child’s Plane Scream Deafened Her.” I agree with the skeptics.  How can an airline be held responsible for the random scream of a three year old?  If she already wore hearing aids, how can the precise damage of the boy’s scream be measured?  Most of the newspaper articles appear unsympathetic to Jean Barnard, especially in light of an email she wrote after the fact in which she said “I guess we are simply fortunate that my eardrum was exploding and I was swallowing blood.  Had it not been for that, I would have dragged that kid out of his mother’s arms and stomped him to death.”

I actually don’t have a problem with this email.  This lady’s ears literally bled, and I can imagine she was pretty peeved.  As someone who often talks without thinking, I am sympathetic to comments made in anger.  Therefore, that email doesn’t make Jean Barnard a horrible human being.  The lawsuit, however, just might.

I noticed a disparity between the public’s reaction to the Skyscanner poll I mentioned in the post Most Fliers Hate Kids and the public’s reaction to Barnard’s lawsuit.  Although most fliers want a separate kids only section in the back of the plane and almost a quarter would like kids to be banned completely, most comments to this lawsuit have been negative, revealing that fliers may not have patience for screaming kids, but they have even less patience for grown women getting paid for sitting too close to said screaming kids.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I ended Podcast Episode 13 with the question, “What is a happy child?” Without any books in front of me, without overthinking too much (I tried), I sat down and thought about this question. My answers aren’t that groundbreaking and border on the cliche; my uncluttered brain really does articulate itself via the worn phrases of others, or perhaps the worn phrases of others are repeated because they are true.

I believe a happy child is one who feels loved and who is able to give and receive love. A happy child has caregivers he/she can count on, but is still able to interact with others in a non-panicky where is my mom kind of way. A happy child is inquisitive and thoughtful. Is Amelia a happy child? I don’t know yet. I’d call her inquisitive, but thoughtful? Can a six month old be full of thoughts?

In the podcast, my friend Dana read a quote from John B. Watson’s 1928 book Psychological Care of Infant and Child. Here is it again:

“The happy child? A child who never cries unless actually stuck with a pin, illustratively speaking; who loses himself in work and play; who quickly learns to overcome the small difficulties in his environment without running to mother, father, nurse, or some other adult; who builds up a wealth of habits that tides him over dark and rainy days; who puts on such habits of politeness and neatness and cleanness that adults are willing to be around him, at least part of the day; a child who is willing to be around adults without fighting incessantly for notice; who eats what is set before him and ‘asks no questions for conscience’s sake’; who sleeps and rests when put to bed for sleep and rest; who puts away two year old habits when the third year has to be faced; who passes into adolescence so well-equipped that adolescence is just a stretch of fertile years, and who finally enters manhood so bulwarked with stable work and emotional habits that no adversity can quite overwhelm him.”

According to Watson, Amelia is decidedly not a happy child.  I’ve never tried sticking her with a pin, illustratively speaking or not, but boy does she cry anyway.  Watson’s definition of a happy child focuses a lot on behavior and not so much on emotion; this is likely why Watson is called the father of behaviorism (this falls into the category of obvious observation).  Without knowing anything about this 1920s/30s trend in psychology, I can glean quite a bit about behaviorist assumptions from this one quote.  In summary, you caused it, it being your child’s behavior (this explains a lot about the Skyscanner Poll from the post “Fliers Hate Babies”).  On a side note, Watson wrote his book in the 1920s, but I can’t help but be annoyed by the outdated gender references. His happy child is growing into a man.  I can’t wait until the day when my precious little girl “enters manhood so bulwarked with stable work.”

Watson believed a happy child could be created.  According to him, nurture trumped nature by a long shot.  As a result, the mom gained significance and received added blame.  If caregivers could control the type of person their baby would become, if caregivers could create the happy child, they could also screw things up big time.  According to Watson, one way to screw things up would be too much coddling and affection.

I hadn’t heard of Watson until I read Dream Babies, but his influence seems evident in other parenting books I’ve read.  I suppose the parenting book genre is itself predicated on the notion of behaviourism (although not Watson’s extreme).  We have to believe our actions can shape our children’s habits, whether these actions include less affection or more affection, sleep training or responding to cries immediately, etc….

Watson’s specific ideas have fallen out of favor, and I think this is for the best.  But his work does raise interesting questions.  I’m left pondering whether a happy child is born or made.  I honestly don’t know, but to be safe, I’ll say both.

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I had a volunteer doula attend my daughter’s birth back in April. I can’t remember her name. I think it starts with a K. I’m bothered by my memory lapse because this doula was helpful at the most important moment of my life. She even called a couple weeks after I gave birth to check up on me, and my mother in law and mother deemed her important enough to receive a thank you gift.

My doula was free, hence the “volunteer” part of her job description. These hospital affiliated volunteer doula programs are extremely rare, maybe six hospitals in California offer them, so I was lucky that I not only got to deliver at UCSD, but that no one else had snatched up the volunteer doula on April 13th, the longest day of labor ever, yet sadly not Amelia’s birthday.

I had a lot of support at Amelia’s birth and although I appreciated my what’s her name doula, I don’t think she dramatically altered the course of my labor, even if she did make my life a whole lot easier. However, what if my husband had been deployed around my due date? Would I have taken my chances with a volunteer doula, have paid for a doula, or just have hoped my mom could get down to San Diego in time? I probably would have chosen the latter, all the while feeling sorry for myself. Paying for a doula is expensive, even more expensive if you have no idea what a doula can do for you. The term seemed a little hippie dippy to me, and I thought women who paid $500 to $1000s of dollars for moral support were buying into, literally, a silly trend. A free doula? Sure, sign me up. A thousand dollars? No thanks.  But maybe a doula is more than unnecessary lovely support.  Maybe a doula can really change the course of labor, and, if this is the case, maybe the money issue should be resolved.

Should insurance pay for doulas? I believe most women would jump at the chance to have someone, an unrelated someone, help during labor and delivery. I believe many husbands would also sign up for this saving grace, and I know many women give up doula hopes because of financial constraints. Occasionally, insurance will cover doulas, but after the fact and after creative claims. As a result, few women actually use doulas.

Let’s talk money. Why would an insurance company pay for someone who attends to the non-medical needs of a laboring woman? The statistics are still questionable, but overall doulas do reduce the risk of a c-section, reduce the use of pain medicine, and reduce hospital stays (I imagine statistics will depend on funded studies and I’m not quite sure who funds these things). Studies showing a correlative effect are hard to come by, but intuitively the doula cost benefit makes sense.

Okay, so insurance doesn’t operate by intuition. Even more reason to test these claims. If they are true, can you imagine the savings. I’m not so optimistic that I believe we are headed towards a doula nation, but I’m not so pessimistic to believe birth practices aren’t improving. Personally, my birth was traumatic and could even have been tragic if not for all the support of my midwives, my family, and my mysterious doula.

Image: renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Clara shared her Baby Led Weaning story on Podcast Episode 11 and was kind enough to write a guest blog post for today.  Below is her post.

Our Baby Led Weaning story started nine months ago when I read a post about it written by a good friend of mine in Canada.  My son Bryce was only four months at the time, so I bought Gill Rapley’s book, read it, and waited until my little one turned six months.

Seven months later, my son is thirteen months and we LOVE BLW.

Here are some of the benefits BLW gave our family:

-family meals are really fun

-no stress of inventing stories or games to get him to eat

-no stress of measuring how many ounces of purees he eats

-the joy of watching him discover textures, shapes, colors, and tastes all by himself

-building up confidence in my little one

-going to a restaurant is not a struggle

-traveling is enjoyable as I don’t have to carry little jars in my bag

-as my son becomes a toddler, he loves even more than before being capable of choosing what to or not to eat.

I can write so much about BLW, but I believe the best way to see how BLW works is to watch some videos.  As he learned to eat, I uploaded little clips of my son that you can watch at my blog, My Life with Bryce.

This is the podpost accompanying Podcast Episode 10:  The Case Against The Case Against Breastfeeding.  Now that my blog and podcast are integrated, I thought I’d use the podpost a little differently.  I’ll write about topics connected to the podcast episodes, without rehashing the content.

Before I had Amelia, I knew I would breastfeed.  In addition to the general parenting books, I read one book devoted only to breastfeeding-The Nursing Mother’s Companion.  The book was good and I recommend it, but it also freaked me out.  I anticipated pain, infections, wardrobe limitations, and lack of sleep.  To be honest, I have experienced all of those things, but overall I’ve been pretty lucky.  Amelia started nursing minutes after she was born and we’ve only had a few hiccups since then.  However, that is another topic.  I want to focus on why I chose to breastfeed, without dipping into sanctimony and without making myself sound superior to those who chose formula (or had formula chosen for them).  I had moments of thinking I would need or want to use formula, and I wouldn’t have thought any less of myself if I had gone that route.  I feel the need to add this disclaimer because how we feed our babies has become, or maybe has been for centuries, the go to topic in the mommy wars.

I chose to breastfeed because, despite all the problems that could arise, it seemed easier than making up a bottle, because it seemed cheaper than formula, because all the stuff I read went on and on about the benefits to mother and baby, because the hospital where I delivered provided a ton of support, because, let’s be honest, I’m more crunchy than not when it comes to parenting, because my darling colicky baby would only calm when nursing in my arms, and because I bought nursing bras and tanks before Amelia was born and I was not going to let that money be wasted.  Sidenote:  Check out my Modest Middles Giveaway.

In other words, I planned to breastfeed, and this pre-baby decision probably helped make my nursing relationship with Amelia progress more smoothly than if I had let it all fall to chance.  That said, you can research and prepare all you want, but like with everything else related to parenting, your experience can’t be predicted; But, and this is a Big But (no Sir Mix-A-Lot jokes please), it can be prioritized.  Breastfeeding success was important to me.  Regardless of all the studies showing that “breast is best,” I wanted the experience for me and for Amelia.  I am so glad I prioritized nursing.  Sometimes when Amelia has a bad day it is the one bright spot, the one chance to connect with her without all the fussing.

Do I hate that I must get up in the middle of the night to feed her?  Yes!  Did I hate getting mastitis?  Yes!  Do I sometimes feel like an on demand cow?  Yes!  Do I regret choosing to breastfeed?  No! Are you sick of exclamation points and rhetorical questions?!?!

Despite Hanna Rosin’s complaints to the contrary, I like that our culture is moving towards accepting breastfeeding as the default.  I also like that good formula exists to help out when the default isn’t working.  Due to problems in the breastfeeding relationship, many babies died before the advent of safe formula.  We have choice and that is great.  We American women need to have choices or we kick and scream; usually I am the strongest kicker and loudest screamer.

However, I don’t mind that one choice is slightly elevated above the other.  History demonstrates that public opinion about breastfeeding has wavered over the centuries, sometimes its in vogue, sometimes its considered indelicate.  What hasn’t changed is the act itself.  Although we need a little help from our lactation consultants these days, baby and mom can get into a primordial rhythm, which, if you really think about it, is pretty cool, a way to connect with our ancestors.  This isn’t why I chose to breastfeed, but this realization has been a nice nerdy perk.  I often think that I have no idea what I’m doing as a mother, that I’m doing everything wrong, that everyone else has some magic secret I have yet to learn, so breastfeeding my baby girl reminds me that at least in one way I am indeed like the mothers who came before me, able to nourish and comfort my baby with my body.  That knowledge helps this frazzled momma a lot.

The only thing more annoying than going on and on about your baby is going on and on about your pet, particularly your dog;  therefore, I’m going to write about my baby and my dog.

I love Kaiya, our manic German Shepherd, but I also can’t stand her.  When pregnant with Amelia I used to have dreams involving Kaiya maiming my unborn baby, this all while I cuddled with Kaiya in the bed,violating all our self-imposed rules about letting Kaiya on our furniture.  Good news.  Kaiya has not eaten Amelia (but in the podcast I do talk about the dangers dogs can pose).  Bad news.  Kaiya is annoying, a nuisance, a pain in the rear.

She can’t help it, so I don’t blame her, even though I do yell at her throughout the day, telling her to shut it because she will wake the baby, the combination of Kaiya’s barking and my yelling actually waking the baby: a sad, vicious cycle.  Live Science (this time I like the website) published an article called “Newborn Babies Steal Pets’ Spotlight.” The conclusions are obvious:  When you have a baby, your pet falls down the pecking order.  Although this study of pet owners revealed little new information, it did confirm the current goings-on in our household.  Daily, I spent hours, I kid you not, petting Kaiya before Amelia was born.  My maternal hormones projected baby onto doggie.  The moment Amelia left my womb, this projection stopped.  Kaiya’s lucky if I give her a pat on the head before I go to sleep.

Kaiya’s not neglected, she’s just not coddled.  She gets her walks, her food, her doggie daycare excursions, but not the lovin of yesteryear.  This transition was necessary and reinforces Kaiya as dog, not Kaiya as baby replacement.  As a mother of an infant, this distinction is important.  Do I think Kaiya would harm Amelia?  Not on purpose.  She is protective.  However, the occasional news story about the family pet harming, sometimes fatally, a child or baby is a reminder that even the most loveable dog can be dangerous.  I don’t want to overstate the danger–these accidents are rare–but this was one aspect of mommyhood I’m glad I overthought.  Putting up a toddler gate to separate baby and dog, and evaluating my relationship with Kaiya, has eased some of my fears, if not my annoyance with this barking canine.

Sometimes she’ll look at me with her big brown eyes and I’ll want to cuddle again, but then I see big blue eyes beseeching me to play, and Kaiya gets relegated to second class status once again.  I start to feel sorry for her, and then the UPS guy will drive by, provoking rage against package delivery, and I remember again why I threaten doggie deportation.

Although Lisa Belkin’s famous 2003 article about the so-called opt-out revolution has been “disproven,” the world she wrote about is still familiar to myself and others.  Belkin talked about well-educated women leaving the workforce to become stay at home moms.  Belkin’s representations have not been struck down as much as the language associated with them have.  A Washington Post article from last year notes that statistically “Most Stay at Home Moms Start that Way.”  They are not the over-educated privileged set of Belkin’s article, but rather young, less-educated, and likely to be Hispanic or foreign-born, according to census statistics.

This is not at all surprising to me.  When looking at Belkin’s article, her language is overblown.  Perhaps she shouldn’t have titled her article “The Opt-Out Revolution.”  However, reading her piece in 2010, seven years after it was published, resonates with me.  In October of 2003 I had just graduated college and was thinking about my future professional life, not my future maternal one.  In the back of my mind I probably did wonder about an alternative life, one with a husband and babies, but this was so far from my realm of possibilities that I focused on pursuing a passion, and that passion turned out to be English Literature.

As a boomerang college grad, i.e. a freeloader living with my parents again, I had the luxury of focusing on my future, even if at the time, I would not have phrased it like that.  I eventually decided upon graduate school, imagining a world of like-minded peers sitting around talking about books and preparing to be tomorrow’s teachers.  Of course, I didn’t realize we would actually be today’s teachers, the low-paid workhorses of the academic system.  Still, getting a Masters degree was fun.  It was often stressful and my classmates and I usually amplified each other’s academic inferiority complexes, but in retrospect, it was a time of few obligations other than ones of the mind.  I wrote a lot of papers, taught some classes, learned interesting things, met great people, danced at eighties clubs, sat in coffee shops, even got my knighthood from Boston University’s pub for drinking (over the course of many months, mind you) all their varieties of beer.

I got my masters and completed my PhD coursework, but before preparing an orals committee and thinking about my dissertation, I realized, I didn’t actually want to live that life forever.  As a college professor, I would constantly need to publish and teach and worry about getting tenure, etc..  All I wanted to do was read books and talk about them, not find myself in some low paid instructor purgatory.  I knew I wanted to be a mother, but not a stressed out academic mother (I’m not saying all professors who are mothers are stressed out, just that my personality would inevitability result in said state for myself).

A friend said she was going to Prague to teach English.  Suddenly, I had an escape.  I took a leave of absence to accompany her, fully intending to return refreshed and ready to brush away the question marks about my academic and professional future.

In the meantime, I started dating Dave.  Our relationship became serious rather quickly.  When I got back from Prague, I knew we would get married and we talked about starting a family sooner rather than later.  I became a grad school dropout, which wasn’t a big loss at the time because I still found a teaching job.  When my contract ran out at the end of the year, Dave and I moved to San Diego, courtesy of Uncle Sam.  I began looking for work, but unbeknownst to me, I was pregnant and the pregnancy was destined to be a rough one.  I started to think about the logistics of having a baby and looking for a job.  Adjunct work was nonexistent with the budget crisis, and, even if I could have found a job, the cost of childcare would have made working untenable.  I decided staying at home made the most sense, especially because I wasn’t even sure what career path to take.

If I had had a good paying job, would I have gone back?  Maybe.  Probably. Eventually.  But I was educated in a field that a) does not pay well and b) requires a lot of work to get to the does pay well place.  Sometimes I wonder if I really opted-out or if the professional world pushed me out.  I don’t mean getting a PhD and mothering a baby are mutually exclusive, just that in my particular situation, as a wife of a military husband, I needed to really really want it and come up with interesting ways to solve the logistical dilemmas of not living in Boston and not having family around to help.  And, let’s be honest, I would never have gotten tenure as long as Dave was in the military.  We move for his job, not mine.  So here I am, a stay at home mom, not sure what to do with my education, but glad I got it anyhow.

I went on a bit of a rant this episode, and, apparently “rant Meredith” is “fast talking Meredith.”

Back in March of this year, the New York Times published an article in the Fashion and Style section called “Honey, Don’t Bother Mommy.  I’m Too Busy Building My Brand” about a Bloggy Boot Camp helping moms promote their blogs, either in an effort to generate revenue via sponsorships or to generally get more hits.  I only heard about the commotion over this article, and there was much in the blogging world, because I listen to the Slate culture gabfest every week.  I was nine months pregnant, bent over a toilet (cleaning, not barfing this time), and casually listening to them discuss the hoopla in the mommy blogging world.

Why were mommy bloggers upset?  For one, the article appeared in the Fashion and Style section, but it was obviously about business practices.  The only reason it got relegated to this section of the newspaper was the gender and procreating habits of the conference’s participants.  The title was also sickeningly condescending, even if the overall tone was only slightly patronizing.

At the time, I thought mommy bloggers were being much too sensitive.  Who calls themselves a mommy blogger, anyway?  If the shoe fits….  I had a private blog for family and friends about my pregnancy and figured most mommy blogs were of the same type: specific, shallow, and narcissistic, not in a bad way.  When I was done cleaning the bathroom, I quickly forgot about the article, focusing instead on the giant pineapple I was planning to consume that afternoon (I ate the whole pineapple because someone said this would induce labor.  That person lied).

Less than six months later and I now have this blog and its companion podcast.  I make absolutely no money from this venture; it’s a recent hobby started to amuse my brain, not take over the blogging world.  I fund it from my modest discretionary account.  I used to buy t-shirts with this monthly allotment.  Now I buy pop filters.  That said, I admire mommy blogs that have been able to infiltrate the marketplace.  Social media, blogs particularly, are a huge powerhouse in the advertising world.  Do I like the content of many of these blogs?  Frankly, no.  Scores of them fall into the “big snore” category, mostly because the content is often driven by a desire for swag.  However, I resent the assertion that moms who blog about being moms should not profit from this exercise, as Stephen Metcalf from Slate claimed in the aforementioned gabfest.  What lies behind this critique is the same annoying demarcation between mothering and the marketplace, as if being a mom should make someone a home-bound saint.

Kelby Carr wrote one of many delightful responses by mommy bloggers to the NYT article.  She notes that new social media is outpacing traditional media in many respects, not least of which is the cumulative power of mommy bloggers to sell stuff.  As newspaper readership plummets, blog readership rises.  She treats this as a complete good, but I’ll admit I’m troubled by this trend, mostly because the newspaper writer is supposed to have some code of ethics and intellect above the average person who can sign up on blogger; however, I read tons of mommy blogs when I was pregnant, looking for reviews of such and such stroller or babycarrier and felt like they were fantastic sources, far superior for this purpose to traditional media.  Also, in my limited research of mommy blogs, I’ve discovered they do have a code of ethics and I have rarely found them shilling truly inferior or dangerous products.

Mommy bloggers are powerful, not only because the ones who have large audiences are courted by major companies, but also because of the communities they can create.  Hidden among the big snores are scores of talented writers, intellectuals, former executives and professionals, finding ways of harnessing their talents in a new medium.  All this talk about the money making power of mommy blogs is misleading; most mommy blogs make no money.  Just think of all the free information out there.  This can also threaten the traditional marketplace.  It’s like napster for ideas.  Historically, women in mass have held power as consumers, and this is true today.  A couple years ago I taught Lizabeth Cohen’s fantastic book A Consumers’ Republic.  In post war America, women did the majority of household buying, and despite changes in the roles of women, this is still true today.  Many companies were annoyed by the collective and vocal power of the female consumer.  Women demanded safer products and working conditions for those making these products.  The internet, and the mommy blog, in particular has created a powerful medium for continuing this tradition of consumer activism.  Yes, I used the word powerful again.  I’m in awe of the power of the blog, even as my little blog has such a modest readership.

I would like to write more in defense of the mommy blog, but, after all, I am a mother and my daughter needs me to change her smelly diaper.  Mommy bloggers are the Ginger Rogers of the writing world.  They do everything Fred Estaire does but backwards and in heels;  they find time to write and podcast and create while also caring for, sometimes on their own, another human being.  Instead of being mocked for this, the successful mommy blogger should be admired.

After much pestering from me, my mother agreed to write a blog post about memories of her grandparents.  September 12 is Grandparents’ Day, and since I doubt many people actually buy their grandparents gifts on this Hallmark holiday, I thought it would be nice to strive for a small collection of grandparent memories, especially because for many of us all we now have are memories.  Here is my mother’s post:

I became a new grandmother on April 14^th of this year and it has been one of the greatest joys of my life, right behind having my own children! Becoming a grandparent is an amazing experience. Each time I look at my new granddaughter I am overwhelmed with wonder. There is a special grandparent love that fills my heart. Since the arrival of my granddaughter I have often thought about what my own grandparents were thinking when they had a new grandchild, especially with the arrival of the first one. I was not their first grandchild.

I grew up knowing my paternal grandparents even though my maternal grandparents were still living but they were in North Dakota and I was in California, so I rarely saw them. My North Dakota grandmother passed away when I was 2 years old and my grandfather a few years later. I do remember him as being very tall!

I always thought of my grandparents as being old even though when I was born my grandmother was just a few years older from the age that I am now. I hate to think of my granddaughter remembering me as old!

My grandfather was a spoiler and I enjoyed every minute of it. I used to sit on his lap and he would reach into his pocket for the lemon drops that he would sneak to me. My grandmother on the other hand was always in the kitchen baking or fussing at us while sitting in her chair but she was still a sweet “old” lady! Both of my grandparents were from England so showing great affection was something that they were uncomfortable with but they did make each grandchild feel special.

That is one thing that I hope to be able to do with my granddaughter as she grows up. I want her to know how loved she is and I want to have fun with her. I feel so blessed to be able to share in the life of my granddaughter and I hope she will carry with her special memories of me and not think of me as the “sweet old lady”! I’m afraid I will be a “spoiler” though!

When I was pregnant with Amelia and confined to the couch for the first five months, I watched a lot of TLC:  I’m an expert on the Roloffs, the Duggars, and, I thought, Bringing Home Baby.  Like A Baby Story, however, that sanitized version of the first few weeks didn’t give me a clear picture of life with a newborn.  To be fair, nothing could have given me a clear picture of this life because no one else could predict my individual experience.

The first few weeks of Amelia’s life are a blur, mostly because of the way sleep deprivation, hormonal fluctuations, pain from my birthing experience, and Amelia’s screams have all blended together to create a truly avant garde section in my memory.  And I chose not to take the vicodin.

Luckily, I had a lot of help.  My in-laws stayed with us for the first week and Dave, through amazing osmosis, remembered all the tips and tricks from our newborn care class and seemingly memorized everything from the video The Happiest Baby on the Block.  I didn’t change a single diaper for the first week or so.  I sat in bed, fed Amelia (not a small feat by the way), took long and frequent epsom salt baths, and gladly relinquished all household duties.  I tried not to overdo it, some of the oft repeated advice for new moms, and ultimately succeeded because my body would not let me overdo it.  I couldn’t really walk.  I hobbled in pain, and moving from the bed to the living room was a major chore, so walking out of the house was not on my to-do list.

I’m amazed all that pain took place less than five months ago.  Like the morning sickness, I have to reach back into my memory to recall the experience of bringing home baby.  I wish I could have told my past self “you will heal, you will heal, you will heal.”  That was the hardest part for me.  I desperately wanted to devote all my energy to bonding with my baby, but too much of my energy was distracted by the trials and tribulations of my own body.

I did heal, and it didn’t take as long as I imagined.  No, I wasn’t back in fighting form by six weeks, but I could easily walk pain free around the block with my new family not long after.   Most of the advice on the internet for the new mom say the following:  Eat, sleep, get help, and lower your ambitions.  I completely agree with this.  Some sites also suggest getting a haircut or manicure and pedicure.  That advice seems less important.  You will eventually get those things, but for goodness sake, sleep instead of perfecting your coif.

I, like my cousin Abby, read a ridiculous number of books pre-baby.  I don’t regret reading them, but I do regret taking them so seriously.  The greatest lesson I learned was do not pick a parenting philosophy before becoming a parent.  I hadn’t even realized my own expectations until I failed to meet them.  I had told myself I would wait and see what happened with my baby, that I would let my individual experience guide me, but, right away, I began to feel like a failure if Amelia didn’t follow the books.  Although I had intellectually dismissed much of the advice beforehand, I had emotionally internalized a great deal.  My temperament is of the overthinking kind, so I will inevitably always read and analyze too much, but bringing home baby is not the time to second guess yourself.  It is the time to eat, sleep, bathe, cry, and, of course, bond, in what ever way and order works for you.

When talking about midwifery and birth, I am biased.  My mother-in-law is a certified nurse midwife in New York state and I received all my prenatal care from the nurse midwives at UCSD in San Diego.  No surprise that I’m a big advocate of midwifery in general and natural childbirth in particular.

However, I’m also a hypocrite.  I chose to be induced with pitocin a few days before most of the midwives recommended (my individual midwife gave me the option of inducing at ten days past the due date, and after much thought, I decided to do this); I had an epidural and feel no guilt about this decision, probably because the induction, via pitocin and artificially breaking my bag of waters, made the labor so painful so fast I wasn’t sure I would last without some sort of pain relief.  I was exhausted because the induction took two days.  By the time they broke my water, my energy reserves were almost depleted.  After receiving the epidural, I was ready to push two hours later and I don’t think that is a coincidence.  My daughter got stuck towards the end of the delivery, causing some panic and chaos and requiring surgeons to be called in at 2 in the morning.  I did not need a c-section, but the epidural allowed me, without pain, to breastfeed my daughter as the surgeons did their miraculous handiwork repairing the damage of my almost ten pound daughter’s entrance.

No, I did not have the natural childbirth, laboring in a tub, squatting during pushing, that I had imagined and planned for in my twelve week Bradley class.  And no, despite my medical interventions, I don’t feel like I should have waited for Amelia to come on her own.  She was big, very big, and not descending.  I pushed for over three hours to get her out and my mother-in-law believes if midwives had not patiently delivered her, I would have been prepped for a c-section by a traditional OB.  I agree.  I also believe if I had waited any longer, allowing my daughter to get bigger, a c-section would have been inevitable, at least in a hospital setting, and I wasn’t planning for a homebirth.

Why does the woman who induced with pitocin and gladly took an epidural still believe more women should see midwives and plan for natural childbirth?  I believe this because childbirth in most cases doesn’t need to be treated as trauma.  The c-section rate is entirely too high in the United States, much higher than in other developed countries, but our maternal mortality rates are not lower.  As Yvette points out in the podcast, our health care system has a lot to do with our c-section rates, but our attitude about c-sections has also made major surgery seem so normal.  They should be reserved for true emergencies.  I am a product of a c-section; born during the 80s when VBACs were uncommon, my brothers and I all said hello to this world after my mom was cut open.  I’m not permanently damaged because of this fact. My mother didn’t reject me, a nonsensical concern often espoused by some natural childbirth advocates.  That said, if my mother or I could have had more natural, calm birth experiences, that would have been a good thing.

The documentary from a few years back, The Business of Being Born, does a good job of describing how we have become a nation dependent on medicalized childbirth.  If OBs are trained to deal with emergency situations, with what can go wrong rather than with the ho-hum normal pregnancy and birth, why don’t more women see midwives?  Not all midwives are alike, some rely on medicine, some refuse to give their patients any, some work out of hospitals, some birth in mothers’ homes.  Still, overall, midwives are less likely to induce, less likely to offer medicines that can slow down labor or contribute to the likelihood of a c-section, and less likely to suggest c-sections.  We don’t need to revert to a mythical vision of childbirth that never existed in the past, but we also don’t need to assume birth will be traumatic, to assume you need an expert to deliver your baby rather than an expert to help you birth your own baby.

A natural childbirth wasn’t in the cards for me, but seeing midwives still positively affected by birthing experience.  A natural childbirth might not even be in the cards for most women.  But in my experience, midwifery gave me options and let me make decisions about Amelia’s birth.  Women should realize we have many more options than traditional medicine often gives us.