So, I’m browsing though the web, searching for the elusive answer for curing my overweight and underorganized-ness, deciding Ponce de Leon made more progress in his quest for the Fountain of Youth, when I run across the miraculous solution: Tai Chi. Apparently, the key to this ancient Chinese secret is that by stretching, breathing deeply, and “massaging your internal organs,” you can obtain better health, increase stamina, improve memory retention, and attain world peace, er — inner peace (sorry about that).

I’m a bit skeptical, though, because I’ve been practicing some similar techniques for years, but the benefits have yet to come. Stretching? Oh, yeah. I’ve got the stretch marks to prove it. Deep breathing? Yep. Every time I walk across the room. And I’ve got the internal organ massage thing down, too, cuz when it comes to belly jiggling, I can give Santa some stiff competition. Or at least some flabby competition.

Seriously, Tai Chi does seem to offer a lot of benefits, and I plan to order a DVD. That is, as soon as I can find one for the hopelessly overweight and underorganized…

It’s hard to get anything done when I spend a half-day engaged in my morning water routine. You know, “Thou shalt drink a minimum of eight 8-oz. glasses of water soest thou canst lose weight.” Problem is, after force-chugging 64 fluid ounces of water, the next three hours are spent rushing to the ladies room. (And It’s dang hard to run with your legs crossed.)

Problem solved. You know those 64-must-drink-or-else-ounces? No one really bothered to explain that they don’t need to be (and really shouldn’t be) downed in one sitting. Although a camel can drink about 250 liters of water in one visit to the drinking fountain, humans cannot. Apparently, the whole purpose of the eight-glasses-a-day rule is to keep our bodies consistently hydrated throughout the day. That means, the water should be consumed throughout the day. This is profound to those of us who have, for most of our adult lives, lugged around a barrel-sized water mug, attempting to empty it into our bellies. (After we finish drinking our morning coffee — duh!)

Because the “average” American spends 16 hours per day awake (I don’t know who comes up with these figures, because I haven’t gotten eight hours of sleep since I was 12), one should drink 4 ounces of water per hour throughout one’s waking hours. (For the mathematically challenged like myself, 4 times 16 equals 64. Viola!) This makes sense on so many levels. For one thing, it’ll drastically reduce desperate treks to the bathroom or the yellow-eyeball-effect that strikes when you’re stuck in a meeting and can’t be excused. Plus, this method ensures your body will be consistently hydrated throughout the day.

You may or may not be aware of how important hydration actually is. Headaches, brain fuzzification, and a number of other ailments, including arthritis, have been linked to chronic dehydration. So, get you a 4-oz. shot glass and fill it up every hour on the hour. (Great excuse to take an hourly break!)

You know those little blue thingies that you drop in the toilet tank so you don’t actually have to scrub the toilet and no one can tell whether it’s clean or not because the water is darker than the inside of a black cow? (Only it’s blue.) Even though these are likely the handiest “cleaning” product, quite possibly created for the underorganized homemaker, we’re not supposed to use them. Plumber’s orders.

Apparently, the stuff dissolves into a goopy slime that actually causes the toilet’s inner workings to deteriorate. Then your toilet won’t flush. Then you have to stop what you’re doing, drive to Wal-Mart, buy a toilet kit, go home, and try to figure out how to put the stuff in the package into your toilet (correctly) so your toilet can flush again. Or, you can call a plumber. Which is what the janitor at our office did, and which is how I learned this handy tip.

Our plumber is a nice, honest, hard-working guy, and I figure most plumbers are, too, so I hope all the Joe-the-Plumbers out there aren’t angry with me for sharing this tip. But I’m sure you plumbers have enough other work to do without having to stop and rescue toilets of underorganized housekeepers.

Now here’s a tip from me: Buy a toilet that is so ultra-cool that guests and even family members will be distracted by the ultra-coolness of the toilet (see distraction suggestion pictured above) instead of snooping to see how clean it is. (Or isn’t.)

During the pre-diet euphoric stage, I often browse through the dozens of diet books that line the shelves of Barnes & Noble in hopes of finding “the perfect diet.”

Have you ever read any diet books? They’re pretty much all alike. The first half of each book is spent discussing why one should diet. I can answer that question with two words: I’m fat! I suppose diet book editors specified a word-count range, so the authors fluff up section one with topics that attempt to scare the reader into dieting, such as “The Psychological Effects Caused by No Longer Being Able to Clothes off the Rack.”

The second half of most diet books is filled with recipes. I love recipes. I love cookbooks. Normally, this would be my favorite portion of the book, however, diet books are filled with useless recipes for dishes like “Braised Asparagus Spears Smothered with Watercress, Caper, and Alfalfa Dressing.” Does that sound appetizing to you? My goats might eat it, but I’ll take a burrito supreme!

So, if you’re in the market for the “perfect” diet book, save your money. There aren’t any.

I suppose dieting is my weakness, but there’s more than one way to shed a pound. I choose (drum roll…) exercise! I doubt if I’ll sign up for another aerobics class, though. The last time I attended a high-impact class, I huffed and puffed enough to make the Big Bad Wolf jealous. The guy next to me yelled, “Are you okay?”

“Do you know CPR?” I panted.

When he shook his head, I stumbled over to the exit and never looked back. Since that day, my only form of exercise has been searching for my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot. But I recently joined the local Curves. They’re in the process of changing the name to “Bulges” now.

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