But did she really think nobody would notice? (You betcha!)

Her rambling, kinda confusing speech caps it. I think she’s fucking nuts. I think its fucking ridiculous that the Palins may have gotten some news that will soon be shared with the rest of the world and wanted to prepare for the shitstorm.

I read one rumor that the IRS has something BIG on the Palins. I heard Rick Sanchez of CNN say that she may be pregnant again.

I think they found a hunting trophy room full of mounted state trooper heads belonging to cops who wouldn’t do what she wanted them to do.

All I know is that she did what she did in order to “best serve the people of Alaska”.

And if “best serving” your constituency involves resigning before your first term is over then, lady, you’re not as fucking stupid as I thought you were.

And puh-leeze… does anyone think this is really the first step towards a 2012 run? Does anyone really think that resigning from public office is the best way to demonstrate your leadership potential for the big chair? If so, then you, my knuckleheaded friend, deserve the kind of “leadership” Caribou Barbie brings to the table.

My absolute best guess about why Sarah Palin resigned is so that she can actually star in the sequel toNAILIN PAYLIN

Watch more clips from the adult parody NAILIN PAILIN

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Go Daddy’s own Bob Parsons sent me this photo. Can you think of a good caption for this pic?

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This is really cool. A very talented young artist by the name of Shane Lees wrote to me on Facebook to tell me how much he enjoyed my serial killer novel “Diary of a Madman”. It even inspired him to create some art of his own.

What you see here is a moment from late in the book where our killer shows off one of the many things you’re really not supposed to do with a pen. However, what Shane did here with a pencil is magnificent. I really, really like how it captures the disturbing moment perfectly.

Big thanks to Shane. Awesome job, man.

And if you want to see more of Shane’s artwork, click here.

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Soon to be a major motion pictureproduced by Guillermo del Toro and directed by J.A. Bayona

The folks at Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martins Press asked me to record a special preview of HATER a great new novel by the very talented U.K. horror writerDavid Moody.backgammon free casino money free craps game play free black jack craps video poker strategy play black jack online how to win video poker casino game online uk best casino online casino secure online gambling jackpot casino online casino black jack learn to play craps how to win at video poker craps online blackjack casino game online casino betting free on line video poker casino games no download casino online gambling casino play free casino slots video poker machine bonus video poker free on line slots double bonus video poker free video poker games free casinos roulette online craps rules free on line casino rules of craps online casino free money blackjack 21 internet casino how to play craps free casino game download fortunelounge online casino free casino download free casino card game free roulette game free casino play no deposit free money casino internet casino online

The preview is just of the prologue and first chapter but I think itll give you an inkling of the insanity that follows. HATER is available now wherever books are sold.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE HATER PREVIEW

REMAIN CALM DO NOT PANIC TAKE SHELTER WAIT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS THE SITUATION IS UNDER CONTROL Society is rocked by a sudden increase in the number of violent assaults on individuals. Christened ‘Haters’ by the media, the attackers strike without warning, killing all who cross their path. The assaults are brutal, remorseless and extreme: within seconds, normally rational, self-controlled peoplebecomefrenzied, vicious killers. There are no apparent links as a hundred random attacks become a thousand, then hundreds of thousands. Everyone, irrespective of gender, age, race or any other difference, has the potential to become a victim - or a Hater. People are afraid to go to work, afraid to leave their homes and, increasingly, afraid that at any moment their friends, even their closest family, could turn on them withultra violentintent.Waking up each morning, no matter how well defended,everyone must now consider the fact that by the end of the day, they might be dead. Or perhaps worse,become akiller themselves. As the status quo shifts, ATTACK FIRST,ASK QUESTIONS LATERbecomes the order of the day…only, the answers might bemuch differentthan whatyou expect….

In the tradition of H. G. Wells and Richard Matheson, Hater is one mans story of his place in a world gone mad a world infected with fear, violence, and HATE.

HaterPreview.com

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We had been traveling all day. We get into Ft. Lauderdale at 10pm where you have to take a shuttle bus to a “Rental Car Pavillion”. Once there, all of the other counters are empty and of course there’s a big line at Hertz. Mostly because there is ONE PERSON WORKING THERE and NONE OF THE ELECTRONIC KIOSKS WERE IN SERVICE.

Okay, there were actually two people working there but one of them was at the part where the Hertz Gold Club members check in and wasn’t helping the rest of us, even though there were NO GOLD CLUB MEMBERS waiting in line. And the one kiosk that looked like it was working allowed you to spend 10 minutes punching in all of your information and the options you wanted before, you guessed it, bringing up a screen telling you to talk to a customer representative.

So we waited and waited… and waited… about 15-20 of us… and the line is not moving. We’re there for over a half hour by the time I whip out my video camera to document what’s going on.

And that’s when the one lady working there disappears behind a door for a moment, then comes back out and SALUTES US… yes, salutes us like “SEE YA, SUCKERS!” and then SHE LEAVES.

So as you can see, I chase after her and well… I guess her response is just Hertz’s lousy customer service in action.

Call me crazy but maybe, just maybe I think she could have said “You know what, I have to leave, let me go and find someone to help you…” but no…

So, being amazed at her actual response to the camera I popped the chip from my Sanyo and sent the clip to CNN iReports right there while we were waiting in line thanks to the miracle of 3G wireless. And by the time we actually were helped by someone some half hour later, I had the clip uploaded.

The next day someone sent me a link to a story that Hertz was laying off 400 people because their business was in trouble. That person suggested that’s why this employee was such an asshole.

I disagree. I think it’s the other way around. I think Hertz’s business is in trouble because they employ assholes like this and their customer service is HORRIBLE.

As I wrote on the CNN website, in this economy, with times being tough and companies being in trouble, I would hope that people choose to spend their money at businesses that actually have decent customer service. No longer should the customer settle for being treated like crap by companies like Hertz because they can afford to do so. If you’re like me, you take your business elsewhere.

If you don’t mind being shit upon by Hertz, then by all means rent from them. But for me, I’ll never use Hertz Rent a Car again.

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The Philadelphia Eagles showed up. The NY Va-Giants didn’t. Eli Manning played like the fucking guy we all thought he was and without Plaxico (I don’t need no gun permit) Burris, the defending Super Bowl champs looked like a bunch of chickens running around with their heads cut off, especially when the Eagles D-line stuffed them on consecutive 4th and short attempts. (Bet you’re sorry you dumped Jared “Sta-Puft Marshamallow Man” Lorenzen now, Va-Giants).

My favorite post game quote came from Eagles safety Brian Dawkins who has been the heart of this defense for 13 years.

We stayed together. We believed in one another. We didn’t allow the outside negativity to creep into cracks and crevasses into our lockeroom. We closed it off, we sealed up, we cemented those cracks and made sure that inside we believed… not just in what we’re doing we believed in one another.

I believe in Five. When he was down and written out and was on his way out… I believed in FIve.

I believe in Big Red. When he can’t coach no more, he can’t… I believed in him. We believed in one another the same type of way. When you have that, you draw closer together. You draw closer together and you start playing for one another that much more and that’s what we did.

Now the Green Machine rolls into Arizona to play the improbable Cards still milking Kurt Warner’s greatest hits tour for the right to represent the NFC in the big dance. Will it be a repeat of Thanksgiving night’s 48-20 ass-whupping? Have the Cards got the gas to continue the most improbable of seasons? We’ll see. All I can tell you is that I’ll be glued to the set come Sunday at 3pm EST.

Reebok Philadelphia Eagles Brian Dawkins Replica Team Color Jersey

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Imagine you’re behind the wheel of a speeding ‘69 mustang convertible, racing 120 miles per hour down a two-lane desert highway running through the middle of nowhere. Pedal to the metal. The engine going full out beyond anything it was ever designed to handle. Climbing out the passenger seat all over you is the hottest piece of ass you’ve ever known in your life. She’s 19, face like an angel with a body for sin– perfect tits, perfect ass and a pussy that calls out your name when your sleeping.

Her blond hair whips all around you in the hot summer wind as she silmultaneously slides her hand down the front of your Levis while whispering all the dirty things she wants you to do to her in your ear. She reaches into one of the manybank bags hastily thrown into the backseat, snatches out a handful of hundred dollar bills and throws them up into the air where they spiral like confetti. At this high rate of speed you can’t take your eyes off the road but you catch a glimpse of the cash flying up and away to nowhere and momentarily you laugh at the thought of the teller’s face as he carried those bags out while you waved that unloaded pistol under his nose. Oh how nearly the same scene played out several times over the past three weeks to the point where the entire trunk was stuffed with so much moola that you had to sit on the lid to get it closed all the way.

It was never about the money, you tell yourself as she gently sticks her tongue in your ear. It was never at all about the money.

Not that they would ever believe you or even care at this point. Even as the speedometer inches closer to 130, you can see the dust cloud is closing the distance on your six. The strobing of their lights glints back at you in your rearview is something nearly hypnotic to behold. Their shapes shimmer and blur in the heat coming off the asphalt but there’s no doubt they are gaining fast. There are too many of them to count. In fact you could never imagine in a milllion years there were even this many police cars in the entire state. In your chest you can feel the thumping of the S.W.A.T helicopters closing in from above without having to turn and look. Another handful of crisp green bejamins flies up toward them, momentarily distracting the snipers locking in on you with their scopes. You turn your gaze away from the road momentarily and the feeling is something akin to soaring as you look into those soft dark eyes of hers wanting to thank her for making you feel more alive than ever these past three weeks than you ever have before and wordlessly they tell you you don’t have to because both of you know you have at best another 10 seconds to live.

Now imagine this is the song playing on the radio.

From the album “THE DREAM” available on iTunes

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Do you have a Wunder Boner? Would you like a Wunder Boner? Well, I can’t help you with that but perhaps this lost commercial can help you. Check out what may have been the greatest single innovative retail product with the name “Boner” in it in modern history. And if you’re to believe, or can stomach, the on screen demonstration, the Wunder Boner really works! Though there’s just something magnetically horrifying about this boner that kind of makes my breakfast want to reverse course.

Regardless, I think the Wunder Boner hillbillies here have one fine boner of a product and if you can stomach the Wunder Boner in action, enjoy.

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Just because you keep a drugged woman chained in your basement doesnt mean you two are married.

Trust me on this one.

Well, actually, if you keep her down there for seven years in most states, I think that qualifies as a common law marriage.

Turns out you have to wait out the statute of limitations, which is like twenty years or something crazy like that.

I mean, come on… do you really want to be married that long to begin with?

Catch 22. You can never win.

Dude, trust me, I understand that all you want to do is keep them safe… I collect things too.

First of all, let me begin by saying that we at Pacific Coast Hellway do not condone the KIDNAPPING of anyone, especially your co-workers.

We understand it, but we don’t by any means condone it.

But who are we to judge?

I realize that often times there are moments when you just need to own something, that borrowing or just browsing won’t do. But if your plans include abduction, then perhaps you’re at a much more advanced level than we’re ready to talk about today.

Because you have to walk before you can run.

Which means it all starts… with stalking.

Now, I just want to say that I think the word stalking just gives off such negative connotations. I prefer to think of it as following with intent… be it as it may.

You may be saying… Gee, Mark, Ive never followed anyone with intent, unless it included giving them back the can of beans that fell out of their shopping bag or a hankie that has dropped from their purse.

But if youve stopped to sniff that hankie, or even the can of beans first before returning them to their rightful owner, then you may want to get out a notepad before I go any further.

If youre a novice, a good place to start is your co-workers. You know what they look like, for one. Theres nothing worse than stalking a stranger, theyre totally unrecognizable, I mean, you could be stalking anyone.

There! - I said it again - the “S” word. I guess for ease of explanation I may as well use it stalking, that is - to avoid any confusion.

By now, you’ve probably considered stalking in the past and perhaps have even gone so far as to eyeball your intended stalkee every time they walk past your workspace until they’re completely out of view, or followed them to the parking garage always keeping at least a hundred feet behind them to avoid being noticed.

Which brings us to the very important topic of learning about your beloved. You’re going to want to gather some serious information about them.
It helps to build up a dossier, a file of your intended victim did I say victim? I meant target no, subject! Get to know their routines, favorite places and the like.

You need to know when they’re going to be where, and who they’re talking to, and what it is they’re talking about. Luckily, there’s a simple method for procuring this information.

If your stalkee is like most office employees, they’ve completely ignored the directives from HR and IT and left their password on a stickie note somewhere around their desk.

Someday when your target… er… object of affection… is out sick or on vacation, take a casual stroll over to their cubicle. If anyone catches you, just tell them you’re looking for “The Johnson Report” or something. They’ll go away.

Now, this is very important. DO NOT log into their computer. Instead, memorize their password. DO NOT write it down, and certainly, DO NOT move or take the stickie with you. Leave it exactly where you found it.

Now, with their password, it’s a simple matter of setting up their email on your home computer, or getting at it through the web.
Again, you don’t really want to be doing this from your work computer; you’ll want to do it from your home computer, which is located in the room you’ve set aside as a shrine to your stalkee.

Once you have their email address, a million other things will fall into place. You’ll find out all kinds of great information! You’ll probably have access to her whole calendar.

And with any luck, you’ll find out who shes currently dating and what kind of car he drives and thanks to the power of the internet, you can learn where the brake lines are on such a car in no time at all!

However, be aware that this method does have risks. You could very easily come across a piece of email where she talks about that guy who won’t leave me alone” and realize she’s talking about you. But that’s okay. That means you’ll just have to try that much harder to win her love.

With a little luck, you may even discover your subject has his or her own blog.

Consider this hitting the jackpot because with a little careful reading between the lines you could find something out about someone that will pay off in spades. Like, for instance, Brian, from accounts, spends most of his off time reading, and in the public library of all places.

With information like this in hand, you can sit there for hours just watching him.

Be careful, though, because its not too big a leap to go from, “I wonder what hes reading? It must be good, hes been at it for hours!” to, “I hate you Brian, sitting there reading in that lovely warm library, eating Turkish delights. If it wasnt for you - you bastard! - I could be reading a book of my own, rather than spending the best part of an evening up a tree watching you through this window - you sick fucker!”

Never be angry at your subject for going about their normal routine, unless that routine includes displaying some kind of affection for another human being other than yourself.
That is when the ball peen hammer youve packed into your stalking kit comes in handy. For more information on what else to include please refer to the PDF file attached to this podcast.
Now, it goes without saying that stealth is the secret to good stalking.

There are plenty of ways to pull this off out in public. When stalking in a supermarket, make good use of your surroundings. Hiding behind the endcap where the tortillas are shelved works as a standard cover, but holding a watermelon up in front of your face can also work in a pinch.

However, following your stalkee around while hiding behind the same piece of fruit isn’t advisable.

A good stalker will change every few minutes to a large cantaloupe or perhaps a nice ripe musk melon.

One of the trickiest maneuvers in co-worker stalking is The Follow Home. This is where most novice stalkers go wrong.
If you do plan on doing The Follow Home or as I like to call it, The First Step to True Love, there are a few things you need to consider.

First off, is this just a recon mission? Are you just doing a drive by? Sometimes you just want to confirm their address or perhaps check the timing of exactly how long it takes for them to get from the bus to their front door, how many people they’ll say hello to on the way there, and if there are any moments when they’re completely alone and nobody can see them.

If you’re on that kind of trip, then all you need is a couple of hundred yards away from their place and a good stopwatch. From that distance, they won’t know you’re there, and you can still survey the scene.

Don’t forget to bring your journal! Remember, good stalking and good record keeping walk hand in hand!

However, if this visit to your intended’s house is one for the long haul, and by that we mean the type where you sit outside their house until long after they’ve gone to bed, and even then for a few hours more, you’re going to want to take some precautions.
When stalking, it helps to be as nondescript as possible.

First of all, you’re going to need to rent a car. By now, they’re probably fully aware of the type of car you drive, so the fine folks at Hertz, Avis, Dollar, and Alamo will become your new best friends.

Second, that means no Hawaiian shirts or Bermuda shorts. Stilts are totally out of the question and luminous, glow in the dark, bowties are a no-no, particularity at night. Anything that might draw attention to you is not acceptable.

When stalking, a disguise is not out of order. It won’t take much - a fake moustache, a hat, not much more. We don’t recommend getting dressed up as a circus clown.

Not at this stage anyway. That’ll be for later in your relationship when you show up unannounced at 3 a.m., crying about how life is meaningless without them.

For THAT you need the clown suit, otherwise you’re just some loser who blew his brains out on some chicks doorstep. A clown suit WILL get you the headlines that prove how much they should have loved you back. But that’s actually a topic for part two of this discussion at some future date.

So now what? You’re outside their apartment in your rented car and your Gene Shallit moustache, what do you do? This is the perfect opportunity to write her a twenty-eight page letter about how much you love her.

Remember! Write as small as possible, use both sides, and mention the military-industrial complex every now and then.

Trust me, that letter will be a keeper.

You also want to keep the keys in the ignition in case you need to make a quick exit. You are far too new at this to even consider the hoops you’ll have to jump through if she catches you and slaps you with a restraining order.

That’s some pretty advanced stalking, and you’ll want to avoid it until you’re stalking your fifth or sixth person. Believe me, I know my stuff. I must have stalked over fifty people by now and it isnt even the weekend, so I know what Im talking about

Now, please remember that stalking your co-workers is not the kind of project you want to take on if you already have a hectic go-go-go kind of lifestyle because of the sheer time commitment involved.

However, if you do tend to have a very busy life, do not rule out stalking altogether because oftentimes, that busy lifestyle of yours could provide very convincing alibis, if and when that kind of thing becomes necessary.

Needless to say, expect to make mistakes at first. But theres only so many chance occurrences you can explain away before the inevitable occurs… which brings us back to the ball peen hammer in your kit, but more on that next week

Until then, happy hunting and remember the stalkers credo:
Im not a weirdo or a freak or anything of the sort - I just want to make sure that nobody else is.

For the rest of you, please feel free to take notes.

MYN

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Maybe she should try to find her perfect match with eHarmony Coupon EHWEEK.

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Stay classy, Fox News!

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The Jesus Interview returns! Featuring Brian from Audio Attitude.

Funny News - Better than Weekend Update - THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK

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The perennial holiday favorite returns! Listen to the story of my most memorable Xmas. Plus, music by me, Munk, The Rad Dudes and Geoff Smith!

My Favorite Christmas

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Tired of TGI Fridays? Try this new place, IFH Mondays….

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This was just fucking awesome.

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Oh that wacky Joe the Plumber once again makes the news with his comments slamming John McCain. And what’s all this crazy talk about a robot love machine? Really? All this, GoDaddy Coupon Codes, music and more!

Music in today’s show:

JUST STOCKINGS ON by MUNK

CHRISTMAS FEELING by THE BEN VAUGHN SINGERS

Along with a special secret bonus music track!

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Visanthe Shiancoe is not the name of a character from Lord of the Rings but a little-known tight-end for the Minnesota Vikings. Turns out that Fox had a camera in the dressing room after the game when Vikes owner Zygi Wylf (who is a troll from Lord of the Rings) was handing out a game ball while a visibly un-pantsed Shiancoe was standing in the frame. I suppose the only other question to be asked is: What exactly is Vikes coach Brad Childress looking at?

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A GROUP OF NETWORK EXECUTIVES sit around a table. The fate of their careers hinges upon the decisions to be made in this room.

EXEC 1: Another reality show? But what group poor unsuspecting bastards can we exploit this time?

EXEC 2: Wait, that’s it… what you said?

EXEC 1: We’ll do a show exploiting bastards?

EXEC 2: No, we’ll do a show exploiting POOR bastards! And best of all, it’ll all be fake so we don’t really have to give them any money.

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However when it comes to actually holding up two different works of art for examination and those certain similarities come glaring out at you, it’s hard not to invite such accusations. In the case of Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” this kind of thing has now come up not once… but twice by two different artists.

This week in an L.A. federal court, virtuoso guitar-slinger Joe Satriani filed a copyright infringement suit against Coldplay for cribbing his 2004 instrumental “If I Could Fly”. Someone has already put a video up on the net comparing the two. Check it out and you decide if the two songs are “similar”.

Those of you who tend to care about such things, such as the shittiness of Coldplay may remember that not too long ago unsigned band Creaky Boards put this video up on the interweb detailing the similarities between “Viva La Vida” and their song, ironically titled “The Songs I Didn’t Write”.

So, plagarism or sheer coincedence? As I was discussing with a successful author friend of mine just this morning, parallel development does happen. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what the courts say about this one.

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I’m a HuffPo reader and I’ve been a fan of Zsa-Zsa voiced Arianna Huffington back when she was married to that douchebag Michael. She’s smart, sexy and aging pretty well but fuck if Jon Stewart manages to fluster her panties off and make her plug for her new book about blogging sound like the “Passion of the Mediocre”.

… and I loved every second of it because he’s fucking right.

If you’re so inclined… here’s a link to her new book about blogging.

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Thanks to Smith Harrison for sending this to me.

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See the whole NSFW gallery HERE

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Let Santa worry about all the nice people. You naughty folks (and you know who you are) can enjoy this holiday treat guaranteed to have you bellowing “Oh, Oh, Oh…”. I’m sure it can also double as a Christmas ornament as well, just make sure you rinse it off in the sink after each use before hanging it on the tree.

Sure the ad says $34.95 but with Adam and Eve’s 50% off one item sale, you can get this fabulous candy cane glass dildo for just $17.48.<a href=”http://www.tkqlhce.com/click-3055498-10605783″ target=”_top”>Click Here. </a>

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