Jokes I Like

Taxed

2006-04-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious beach house while your income is so low"? asked the tax auditor.

"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer, I had caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said,

'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious beach house you have ever seen.'

I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the beach house."

"How can you prove such an unbelievable story"?

"Well, you can see the beach house, can't you"?

Foreigners

2006-04-18T19:39:00.001-07:00

A teacher in a rather backward, rural area in Alabama attempted to　broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy, whose essay, in full, was "All foreigners are bastards."

The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners. When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full,

"All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards."

2006-04-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

Perception

2006-04-18T19:01:00.000-07:00

Two convicts are released from prison as they stand at the bus stop waiting one ex-con turns to the other and says 'man i'm horny' the other ex-con replies 'yea me too'

The first ex-con tells the second 'well hey man we've been locked up for awhile and we know how it works. how about you let me do you and then you can do me?'

The second ex-con agrees, pulls down his pants and the first ex-con does him. So then it's the other's turn, and as he starts to mount his fellow ex-con he starts kissing the back of his neck and gently rubbing his back... when suddenly the bent over ex-con looks back and says

'hey man none of that fag shit'

QA Session

2006-04-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

A man was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says

"Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!" answered Ray, exasperatedly.

"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead" "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

quick-thinking

2006-04-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!"

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

All you can eat

2006-04-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

A small aircraft crash landed in the middle of the desert and the pilot and copilot wandered around for days and days with nothing to eat.

Finally the co-pilot announced: "I'm so hungry, I'm going to chop off my dick and eat it."

"No, no, don't do that yet," the pilot urged. "Just think of your girlfriend."

"What's the point?" the other man said. "At this rate I will never see her again anyway."

"I don't mean it like that," the pilot replied. "It's just that if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for the both of us.

Father

2006-04-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

Stupid Wives

2006-02-19T18:06:00.000-08:00

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in."

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments. "She doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two woman sound like they are pretty stupid.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles.

"My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. She doesn't even have a penis!"

Lord of the Rings

2006-02-19T18:01:00.000-08:00

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Billie Jean

2006-02-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

Three expectant fathers, an American, an African, and a Frenchman were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy.The bad news is that we've mixed them up."

The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The Frenchman goes right to the african baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.

"What are you doing?" the african guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

"I know," said the Frenchman, "but I didn't accidentally want to get the American kid."

Morals

2006-02-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my girlfriend's younger sister. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her sister, she wanted to make love to me just once?

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her ass as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

The whole family was standing outside and with tears in their eyes, and my girlfriend's father hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test.We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Down Under

2006-02-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, right after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Deep Shit

2006-02-01T22:17:00.000-08:00

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water
cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she
was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

Justified Profanity

2006-02-01T22:10:00.000-08:00

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack.

"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said.

"We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers.

"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded.

"If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

Nipples!

2006-02-01T22:07:00.000-08:00

Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave...

"Is this the water department?"

Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...

"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water"

I'll try and help...

"Why are my nipples getting so hard?"

You're not really serious...

"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on them!"

Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...

"Not only that, they're getting warped!"

I see...

"They used to be soft, pink and round!"

I'm sure they were...

"Now they really look disgusting!"

I'm sure they do...

"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"

I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician?

"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!"

I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?

"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that."

Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?

"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

UUUhhhhhh.. Now I understand...

"Are you going to buy me new ones?"

Why would we do that?

"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck..."

May I ask how old your baby is?

"He's six, going on seven"

Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the bottle...

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"

I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?

"Since he was born"

Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years...

"So! You are refusing to pay!"

Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out.

"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"

There is really nothing more I can do for you...

"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"

Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim...

"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?"

They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not...

"Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?"

Just show them your nipples!!

Dance Mania

2006-01-18T23:47:00.000-08:00

A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Allah ho Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."

Holy Matrimony

2006-01-18T23:43:00.000-08:00

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather wants to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Dick Tale

2006-01-17T22:48:00.000-08:00

"There were these three guys at the lake, a Tamilian, a Bengali and a Punjabi.

The Tamilian took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Bengali said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Punjabi said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said:

"I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

Diplomacy

2006-01-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

The old farmer got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy."

"What's diplomacy?" asked the old man, as that was something he'd never needed while farming.

"Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.

Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"

The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.

"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?"

"That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor.

The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his
own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed.

"Tea or coffee, sir?"

"Tea," the man replied.

"And for your brother?"

Duh

2006-01-17T22:34:00.000-08:00

George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?"

"I'm riding a bus."

"That's a fucking stupid thing to say!"

"Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"

Prison Break

2006-01-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

Some newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the girl tells her husband:

"Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"

I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put the prisoner in the prison"

And they throw the first one. and the guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband:

"Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!"

The guy not very delighted tells her:

"Lets put him into the prison another time!!"

And the second ...but the girl is very sweet-toothed and she tells him:

"!! Honey !!!... .The prisoner is out again!!!"

The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal.

And they throw the third!!! He is laying on the bed, exhausted and the girl says:

"!!! Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"

And he answers with his short breath:

"HEY !, It's not life imprisonment!!

Telephone

2006-01-17T19:06:00.000-08:00

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off.

He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from me? Give me back da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!"

And he hangs up.Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?"

He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to you!"

Americanized

2006-01-16T23:42:00.000-08:00

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

Cow

2006-01-16T23:37:00.001-08:00

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the
pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead , and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.

But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply
unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything
right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went
down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is
that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son
asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"