I want to turn off the noise

I want to shut down the monitors

They’re trapping me in dreams

Rise, retreat, rise, retreat

She dances every day

while I remain asleep

Image Credit

Have you ever wondered about the people of which you dream?
Are they real, or do they disappear into the ether when you are done?
Are they creations of your mind, or people you knew before…
in a past life perhaps?

If being drunk is like this, then let me stay drunk for eternity.
Let me stay within her grasp and taste her…
the connection pierces my heart
I cannot stand to remain away.

When I’m drunk, I feel so close.
I feel like I’m on the last rung of a ladder, and her hand has almost reached mine.
We’re moments from the lovers embrace…
and then I’m drunk no more.

Being sober, once you’ve tasted the wine
is like waking up after a wonderful dream and not being able to forget.
The dream never leaves your soul…
and every day is an effort to get back.

Image Credit: Stuck in Customs

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the motivations behind my behaviors…I’m trying to get to the root of what really makes me happy and what causes me grief. Although this process is never complete, I think this period of introspection has led me to some interesting insight that I’d like to pass on. Keep in mind that some of this might be difficult to hear, some of this might annoy you, and some of this might not fit your behavior, but I can’t do much about that.

As I continue to achieve many of the goals I’ve set out for myself, I’m finding that achieving the goal doesn’t lead to anything more than a brief moment of contentment. As soon as one goal is completed, another, more difficult one, replaces it. At first I thought this was due to my never ending quest for self-improvement, but I realized that this was only part of the equation.

Seeking happiness leads to emptiness?

More pressing than any desire to achieve, is the desire to be happy. I used to think that happiness would come from self-actualization, but now I realize that it doesn’t come from achieving a state of mind, but from fleeing states of mind.

What I mean by this is that many of my quests have, at the root, a motivation that is self-serving. I want to write words that people will like because when I receive feedback, it makes me happy. The problem is that it doesn’t make me happy and I believe that this is because I attach an expectation to my action. As a result, I set myself up to be disappointed, time and time again. And so this is true for all of my dreams, goals, and achievements. I think they will make me happy because I will finally have cracked the code or unlocked a new door in my quest, unfortunately it is because I want a result that I am become less happy.

As you succeed in achieving these goals and finding that happiness doesn’t meet you there, you start to feel a sense of despair. Why can’t I be happy? Is something wrong with me?

Planting the seed of truth

The truth is that as long as you seek to be happy, you never will be. And so I’ve finally realized how important the teachings of the Buddha have become, not because they enlightened me at the time, but because they planted a seed that would blossom exactly when I needed it to. Had I not studied Buddhist and Zen teachings prior to now, I wouldn’t have the frame-set to understand what I am going through. Since I have read these teachings, I can look back and say “Aha! Now I know what he meant!”

For years I wondered if I would ever fully grasp these teachings…I wondered if my faith would grow or shrivel into the dust from which it came. Looking back, I’m amazed at how the pieces fall in to place, even though at the time I thought “what the hell is going on with my life?”

So where do we go from here? Well, I’m starting to think that attaching any expectation from an action is going to lead you down a path you don’t want to follow. For instance, recently I helped treat someone suffering from dehydration and anemia. She was in a state in which she needed someone to take care of her. I enjoyed the feeling of helping and I didn’t even think about why or how I was going to do it. I just reacted and helped her. However, as I was driving later that day I wondered if maybe I should have been a doctor or work at a hospital so that I could help people. But…when I got to the truth of why I wanted to do that, I realized that helping people made me feel important, which felt good at the time, but still leaves you empty because the feeling doesn’t last. Helping people is great, but doing it for selfish reasons is only going to produce sorrow.

Feelings don’t last

The reason that it leads to sorrow is because feelings don’t last and as soon as the “happiness” fades, you instantly feel a void and search for more happiness to replace it. As a result, you are constantly in a state of searching, hunting, and desperately seeking a “happiness” fix. Eventually, you get so caught up in this trap that you lose site of what you were doing in the first place. This is how searching for happiness leads to despair.

The truth is that happiness doesn’t exist until you cease looking for it. When you do, without expectation or attachment, then you will learn what it is to truly find peace. This is what it means to chop wood and carry water. Let the Tao guide you in your actions…follow the middle way. This is what I’ve learned, how do you feel?

Image by Naturelover 2007

While you sleep, he waits…

when you speak, he listens…

Your thoughts do not entertain him, he smiles as if watching the clouds

There is no action that moves him…

No words consume him

He simply waits, and watches

When you meditate, you see his reflection in you

When you are quiet, you feel him

Like a shell covering you exist to be broken through

Your task is to let him emerge through you

You are an empty shell…

He is true being

God sits silently waiting…

When you focus upon that you will feel his purity

The kindness of an eternal soul looks upon you with great compassion

You are bound by your purpose…

the only way is to lose yourself…and free the God within

Behold the Watcher

You Do Not Exist…

A host of colors inside of my head, she smiled…I felt it

Swirling like butterflies, the sounds echo

There is no turning back now

She smiled at me; in the end I saw it

Letters go unwritten, goodbyes are never said

What’s gone is gone…I feel their thoughts

I’m traveling alone

The past is a mirror, reflecting the now

Mirages are plenty, like the sun’s rays

bouncing across the sea, I hear the waves

30 years ago, we sat together

Children laughing, butterfly kisses

The music plays so softly…it echoes

I worry too much, I shouldn’t have

You were right all along my friend

A merry go round, my mother’s kiss

a dog chases a squirrel…flowers open

Even the dirt is precious, the stars never die

Our lives are a minute

So here I am, I’ve waited for this

I knew you were coming, just around the bend

She smiled…they cried, “it’s ok”

I said, here we are, its just the end.

A man knocked on my door late one evening and looked at me in pity

“I wish you could feel,” he said, and then he walked away.

Sometimes he comes back, each time his eyes full of hope, but each time he smiles and walks away. He seems to be waiting for me to do something, but I can’t figure it out.

One day I waited in meditation and called to him with the mantra: “I am ready.” They never saw me again.

Just like that man, your eternal soul is waiting for you to remove the veil of shadow from the eyes of your soul. When you believe and seek awakening with 100% of your being, then the old man will take you home. He is lonely and waiting.

Hold not onto your wealth, for it will soon fade away

Give up your desires, they will lead you astray

Don’t turn from suffering when it comes, it reminds you of this:

The Truth is that we are all dying and nothing is more important than your spirit

Don’t waste your life waiting to live another

Tend to your soul, take heed of the watcher

When you are ready, he will take you home

I’ve seen enough of this world the way that it is

Man is unkind and suffering hurts, people have lost their way

There is nowhere to go here but pain, this must stop

There is no other option but change

We live in ignorance and wait for someone else

There is no someone else

We are all tied to our fates and so we tie ourselves to death

We should tie ourselves to hope instead

Everyone is waiting for you

Your heart is waiting for you

God is waiting for you

I know you feel it…

Do what you feel must be done, regardless of the consequences

The hand of God will bless your lonesome path

There is no place to look but up anyway

Why don’t you focus on that?

Am I a man born to till the earth?

Am I a king meant to rule the world?

Where does my path go, and why does it go that way…does it even matter?

Maybe I am a soul trapped in this frame, waiting to be freed.

Maybe I am a spirit trolling through the plains, suffering for my greed.

Where am I going and do I have a choice?

Surely there must be someone who knows where this path leads…maybe they are hiding

Hidden in the trees they mock me for my ignorance

They see me struggling and laugh at the insignificance of it all

He knows it doesn’t matter, the only difference between him and I is he knows it all

I know nothing

Maybe I should stop and wait for him to get bored, then he might share his secret

We all need to know the secret, eventually…

I am going to go home and leave my doors unlocked and sit in silence until he enters.

I’ll be waiting for him and he for me.