1) My son had his evaluation for delays. I spoke about his speech and communication issues awhile back, but thought his vocabulary was improving enough that he would “pass” the evaluation. Unfortunately, I was incorrect in my hopes. My son has marked delays in speech and communication. He is on par with a child 8 months younger than himself. He has been accepted into the North Carolina Early Intervention Branch Infant-Toddler Program. A little about what they offer(from their website):

What supports and services are available through the Infant-Toddler Program (ITP)?

FOUR.

That’s a total of 6 people(5 1/2 if you count the small size of my son in comparison).

I love the people, they’ve adopted me into their family, giving me a loving mother, father, brother and sister. My son has a loving grandmother, grandfather, uncle and aunt. But things are tight. So tight that we often find ourselves going outside just for air. We have a set of ground rules for communication when tensions run high, and we have regular family meetings to make sure everyone is on the same page. We keep it running like a ship, because we are about as cramped as we would be on a ship. Any family has its issues, but a functional family knows how to work through them.

To give you an idea of how cramped things are, here is the floor plan of the current place we live.

As you can see, there isn’t enough room for 4 adult, much less 5 and a baby. I have taken over the living room, though my clothing was graciously allowed in one of the bedrooms with my dresser. Most of my stuff is left wasting away in a storage unit. I have no real presence here, except in the kitchen. I pretty much brought my kitchen in and combined it with this house, LOL.

Cramped quarters means limited movement, and a difficult time toddler proofing. The off balance walls of the living room to kitchen make it near impossible to block it off, so I’ve had to teach boundaries. It works, 90% of the time. He runs to the edge of the carpet, stops dead, and turns. Of course, now he wants to go in there and open and close the cabinets and refrigerator, so I’ve found myself having to be more assertive in the boundaries.  I also know I need to buy him a kitchen set. He loves his frying pan and spatula, but he doesn’t have an in house kitchen set. He loves them at the local daycare, and when he’s with his father at the playground, but I feel he could benefit from one at home.

Of course, there is no space right now, and that is the main issue.

We’ve found a few viable places, but most want too much down and too much per month. The ones that can fit us and are affordable have 2 floors and are therefore not built for 4 people with disabilities(two with epilepsy and two with spinal conditions).

We searched high and low and finally found a place that would fit us(tightly) and accommodate our disabilities. We finally found one, but it won’t be available until July.

This is what it looks like in floor plan:

As you can see, it would fit us all and give us some privacy.

So we are faced with the uncomfortable nature of the cramped quarters for the next 2 1/2 months. But, the end result is going to be fantastic.

And who knows, we may find something between now and then.

How would you handle such close quarters?

It made my day. I really did breastfeed for 14 1/2 months, through pain, discomfort, illness and a bad latch. I did give birth to my son. I did hold him tight and snuggle him to sleep in my family bed. I did teach him right from left(verified by his father today) at the age of only 18 months. I do make him laugh and giggle daily. I do keep him safe and instill good boundaries.

I am a good “addy”.

But I am not complete yet. Not for myself. It shows in my depression, in my haggard and forlorn appearance. I am lost, lost in a sea of female hormones and a higher pitched voice. In a land of self-hatred at the mirror, of disgust and self-loathing.

I need to move forward, for my sake, and for my son’s. He will only suffer from my depression, he will never gain.

I have been in a holding pattern due to an insurance mix up, but that has been cleared. I will be starting hormones soon.

I need to have a full blood lipid panel(that’s liver function) and bring my most recent CBC(complete blood count) with me. I will be having the blood work done this week, the CBC released to me by next week. Starting in May….I will be getting my first shot.

Those aren’t covered by insurance, but the cost is nominal when compared to my son watching his “addy” become a happier, more content and more active person. To see me breath sighs of relief, that the journey is finally underway.

You see, cutting off my hair and binding my chest only take me so far. “Packing a bulge” and using items to allow me to pee standing up only take me so far. I look in the mirror and I see my feminine features. I speak and I hear my vocal cords strike a high pitched note.

I once prided myself in my melodic range. In fact, I still do. But I want to be a tenor, not a soprano. I loved singing in the octave below middle C. Loved the looks I got. But I want to go lower, sing deeper. I want to be recognized as a man with a large range, not a woman with a somewhat deep voice.

In the end, however, this is only the first medical step. I have a long journey ahead of me.

Some have asked me whether transitioning would or would not do my son harm. I have this to ask: Is it better to treat yourself for a medical or emotional disease that is ruining your interactions with people, including your child, or is it better to suffer, remaining depressed, withdrawn and self-loathing, snippy and nasty at inappropriate times, and sometimes lacking the emotional levity to laugh at your beautiful child’s antics?

While transition presents its own set of challenges, not transitioning is a path that could lead me down to psychosis and/or severe depression. My son deserves two happy parents, even if they don’t live together. It doesn’t matter what the gender of those parents are, just as long as he is loved and happy.

He is loved, and happy. I will not be the one to drag him down.

For more information about testosterone therapy in transgender males like myself, please check out the following page at ftmguide.org:

Testosterone Basics for FtM Transition

Myths About Testosterone Use in FtM Individuals

They do not see the spectrum, the diverse and wonderful spectrum of functionality. The disorder that can be as mild as someone who just lacks the ability to read social cues, to as severe as the child who never utters a single word her life, surviving by rigid routine and special care.

The children who get through school, all the way into adult hood, never really making waves, the “quiet kid” the “loner”. The kids who, as adults, find themselves having trouble in work and life. Only then getting diagnosed somewhere on the spectrum.

People don’t see those children, those adults. They see the extremes, the poor examples in TV and movies.

But they exist. Every day, you likely interact with someone on the Spectrum. You pass them by, you see them with their parents, laughing with their friends. You may even read a blog written by someone on the spectrum.

But autism carries a stigma. It is a disorder, something to be feared. So we often do not even think about it, until we are confronted with it. At which point, we, in our ignorance, assign to the person in front of us one or more of the perpetuated stereotypes. “You must have been in Special Ed”, “You probably did not speak as a kid”, “Bet you didn’t have friends”, “I wonder if you could hold a job.”

Is it fear that causes us to be so judgmental? Or is it simply ignorance?

Whatever the case, it needs to change.

My son exhibits signs of autism. If he is, he is high functioning. He scored between 5 and 7 on the M-CHAT family assessment. I am talking to his doctors on the 11th, and seeing what they think. I wonder how I would react if he is autistic. I wonder if I would treat him differently. If he needed therapy, would I feel responsible? Would people look at us weird? Would I feel bad? A thousand things float through my head.

But I do not fear autism. I understand it. I see the children, the adults, behind the label. I see their eyes, full of life, full of questions, full of personality.

My son, even if he is autistic, is a person before a label.

Just as I am me, before I am trans*.

So I present a challenge:

Next time you see a child who may be autistic, don’t think anything about them other then what you would think about when you looked at any other child. You never know the person behind the diagnosis, until you bother getting to know them.

Everyone reassured me that I was over thinking everything. I still worried. I researched, I contemplated training him. Forcing communication. Denying him things until he asked. I felt desperate.

That night, my son was getting his evening snack. Cut up pears in juice, prepackaged cups. I sat him down in his booster, telling him what he was getting. I turned around and started getting him a drink when I heard from behind me, clear as day, the following exclamation:

“APPLE”

My roommate looked up at me and went, “Did he just say ‘apple’?”

I was dumbstruck. I turned and asked my son if he wanted an apple instead.

I have never seen a boy light up so quickly from frustration to relief. Like he finally was understood.

He got his apple. I, on the other hand, got a lesson I will never forget.

Speech happens on its own schedule.

My son can speak. He doesn’t need to. But when he needs/wants to, he does. As an attachment parent, I try to tend to his needs before they get too insistent. I’m not perfect, but I try, and apparently I’m doing well. Enough that I only get told his wants, not his needs. He shouldn’t have to tell me his wants. As his parent, I should, and do, anticipate his needs. I do ASK if my guess of his needs is right, and he responds with nods or laughs/smiles for yes, and shakes and whines/frowns for no. He communicates, he just doesn’t talk to do it.

Of course, the apple should have been a given. He’s loved them since he was too young to bite into them. The following pictures were from February of 2012.

He may not have had teeth, but he LOVED trying to eat the apple. Now, at 18 months, all I do is core the apple and hand him the beautiful round globe. He enjoys devouring them, skin and all.

I am pretty sure he’d eat the seeds if I left them in, but I really don’t want to poison him anytime soon, LOL.

However, his love for apples may have curbed my panic, but I do still recognize the fact that he is behind the scheduled average. He is not delayed, however, he is just not “average”. He has never been average. He was “advanced” in size and physical things like pincer grasp(5 months), standing(6 months 10 days), stacking/building(since he could pick things up) and has always been a tad stronger than most babies. It seems only fitting that he be “behind” in something.

So, lessons learned from this:

1. When in doubt, give an apple.
2. Trust your child to communicate. They’ve been doing it from birth, we just need to listen.
3. Always have perspective. A child behind in one thing, is likely ahead in others.
4. Don’t be afraid to ask people for advice.
5. Treasure your child, and all their idiosyncrasies.

Have you ever dealt with speech delays?  How did you go about helping your child?

*This post is meant to be a semi-lighthearted look into introducing Pagan concepts while handling heavy questions with ease. Because Ostara is one of the more “borrowed” from traditions in Paganism(second only to Yule), our children will notice early on the “overlapping” similarities. If any of this offends you, I apologize in advance.*

Ah, March. For many, it is filled with signs of the awakening Earth, the upcoming Spring Holiday, though some further North may not see those signs for several more weeks.For those in the Southern Hemisphere, though, Fall is approaching. For those of you celebrating Mabon this month, check out my parenting post about Mabon and Besom brooms for children!

March also brings us Ostara. Plus a lot of questions from our young ones. Let me list the top ones I have heard:

“If Ostara has rabbits, and Easter has rabbits, are they the same?”

“Did we steal the idea of “Easter Eggs” from Christians?”

“Why don’t Christians celebrate Spring like we do?”

“Will we get chocolate and color eggs like our Christian friends?”

Now, I won’t tell you how to answer these questions, but I can show you how to explain Pagan versions of these iconic objects and activities to your children, while still enjoying the Spring’s coming to life.

Spring is about renewal, rebirth, new life. It is a time when plants spring to life(see what I did there?) and birds spend their time nesting and laying eggs. Insects come back and trees regain their leaves. The Spring Equinox is the time when the seasons change because of the tilt of the Earth, as we begin to gain more direct sunlight, and the Earth around us gets a wake up call.

If you watch every day, you can see the vibrant colors emerging slowly from the dim. The sun seems higher every day, and you feel it’s warmth upon your face much easier. Ask your children what seems different outside. See what their little eyes see. It is amazing how they view the world, often so different from ourselves.

So take a walk with your little ones, and choose your Ostara activities. If you remember from my “Mixed Faith Household” post, you’ll remember that we are coloring Ostara eggs. Our house is already adorned in bunnies. Like, everywhere, they even took over the top of the TV.

But explaining why these things are for Ostara, not just Easter, can be tricky. Especially when asked directly like those above. The trick here is to go with an explanation that doesn’t inherently put down another belief system. While we may have our own opinions about the “coincidences”, our children are often too young to understand that some negative opinions are best kept to oneself, which can cause issues at school or with friends. Keep this in mind when explain these coincidences.

Below is a basic comparison from various sources online, with easily translated to kid friendly terms.

Ostara/Easter Eggs

Eggs have been a symbol of fertility and new life for ages. At Pagan/Wiccan at about.com, there are several references to pre-Christian cultural references. In modern age, they are reminders of the life that comes in Spring. If you raise chickens, or have a farm nearby, now would be a good time to visit the hatchlings that come around this time.  In Orthodox Christian legend, the eggs of the emperor of Rome turned red when he denied Christ’s rising from the dead by saying “yeah right, and those eggs are red, too”.  In modern days, brightly colored eggs are used to remind us of the bright colors of Spring and the renewal of life, regardless of our faith differences. Eggs, in Christian faiths, often signify the end of Lent.

Kid’s translation: Eggs are a symbol of new life. Christians believe their god died and came back to life during this time, so they use eggs to symbolize that. We use eggs to symbolize the birth of Spring and new animals.

Rabbits

This one is harder to explain. Rabbits mate in the Spring, as do many animals. This is to allow the young time to grow older and survive the harsh winter. In Europian folklore, these rabbits, or hares, would create nests of their own, which would later be taken over by birds, who would lay eggs in the nests. This made the people around them believe that rabbits laid the eggs, creating the legend of the egg laying bunny. This legend blended into both traditions, and the lines have blurred between Easter and Ostara.

Kid’s translation: Rabbits give birth to little bunnies during this time. They are symbols of fertility(which means able to give new life). People once thought rabbits laid bird eggs because birds would lay eggs in rabbit nests, and that is where the Rabbits laying eggs came from.

The “Easter Bunny”(as adapted from witchology.com):

The Easter Bunny first appears in Germanic literature in 16th century as a deliverer of eggs. All rabbits and hares were thought to lay eggs on Easter Day(see above for the reason behind this misconception), but the Easter Bunny specifically sought out and rewarded well-behaved children with colored eggs in a manner reminiscent of Yule customs. The movements of the hare, leaping and zig-zagging across the fields, were thought to hold clues to the coming year.

Kid’s translation: Because of the birds laying eggs in the rabbits nests, people created stories about the rabbits. One story stuck, and it was about a rabbit that would seek out good boys and girls and fill their hats and bonnets with brightly colored eggs.

Eostre – the namesake of the season.

Both eggs and rabbits stem from the goddess Eostre, who is symbolized by both. She is a symbol of the Spring, bringing life back to all things. She lends her name to both Easter and Ostara.

However, she is not the only Goddess worshiped during this time. Others, according to ReligiousTolerance.org  include Aphrodite, Demeter, Ishtar, Isis, and my own Kali Ma, among others. This is the time when the Great Mother goddesses are breathing life and becoming fertile themselves, often marrying and mating with their male partners.

In the end, however, the similarities and differences between Christian and Pagan references lay hand in hand. Adopting Pagan rituals and symbols allowed Christians the bridge needed to convert more Pagans to the belief in Christ, without alienating them from their beliefs completely. In creating this bridge, the lines have been blurred, and the symbols now represent both faiths.

If you live in a mixed faith household like myself, you may find yourself in conflict. One way we limited the confusion and the overlap was to remove the eggs from Easter and bring them back to Ostara.

Things to do this Sabbat:

Here is a cute little kid friendly ceremony from Ms. Patti Wigington at paganwiccan.about.com:

How To Celebrate Ostara with the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Chocolate Rabbit

Other options are:

Planting a late Spring or indoor herb garden.

Nature walks

Visiting farms that breed chickens

Egg races, egg hunts, egg coloring

etc… the possibilities are endless!

However you want to celebrate the next couple of days is up to you, but I strongly suggest a farm walk and a nature observation. Seeing the bright colors emerge from the still chilly winds is amazing.

How do you celebrate the Spring?

Blessed Ostara!!

I’ve been known to feed trolls and attack people without due cause.

This happens in both home and public life.

It has caused many issues in my life, and is now affecting my career.

Let me explain:

The book I did the review for, “My New Mommy“, got a bad review on Amazon.com.

Instead of accepting that someone could view something so radically different from myself, and shrugging it off, I attacked her for her opinion.

I went so far as to question her parenting ability.

I was horrible and wrong.

But I didn’t get that, because of my own stupid issues. My vitriolic and poisonous statements caught the attention of another reviewer, who had seen me flame another reviewer somewhere else. I’m not sure where that one was, because I no longer have any links, but if it was catching attention, it means it was just as nasty.

I personally attacked a woman who just wanted a resource that would work for her family, who didn’t feel this book did that. It doesn’t make it a bad book, and it doesn’t make her a bad person or a bad parent.

My response, however, DOES make me a bad person.

I make no excuses for my behavior or my words. I edited my posts to reflect my remorse, but the damage was done. I may be able to erase those words, but I cannot take them away from the minds of those who read them.

My boss, and friend, Ms. Mossiano, was unaware of my flaming comments, but found out immediately when the new comment was posted. When she read my words, she sent me a very angry message about how the publicist of a book should NEVER flame a reviewer.

I wasn’t even thinking like a publicist, and I was acting like a child, instead of a 29 year old transman with a child of his own. I wasn’t putting myself in the reviewer’s shoes, I wasn’t doing the mature thing of letting everyone have their opinion.

I am guilty of this offense more times than I can count.

I tried to force my opinion on someone else. Regardless of who that person is or was, I was wrong.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions, good and bad.

I am not sure how to proceed from here, besides allowing it to be public knowledge.

I make no excuses, I was wrong, the words were horrible and uncalled for, I deserve any and all reprimand that Ms. Mossiano will decide upon when our meeting occurs Friday.

I acted unprofessionally, and immaturely, and this has certainly been a lesson in humility.

Ironically, it fits into this blog post.

At 2pm today I received a phone call from my father.

My grandmother passed away last night in her sleep.

I hit the floor, my heart went lower, my body racked with sobs. My ‘family’, the wonderful people I live with ran to my aid, holding me, consoling me. Then they reminded me what I was going to talk about today, changing my outlook to offset the pain. Celebrating the positive while accepting the negative.

So, just an hour and a half from that phone call, I sit writing this post. I think of the wonderful times I had with her, and how we could always connect, even when we didn’t talk for a long time. I miss her, but I celebrate the woman she was.

You see, that is the point. Every bad situation has another side to it, a side that allows you to see positive. It is just a matter of grounding and/or centering yourself enough to see that side.

Often, we get so swept up in the pain/stress/routine disruption that we are not able to rationally look at the situation. By centering oneself, we can release the negative to allow in any positive that can be.

Much like my posts about everything happening for a reason and never regretting life decisions, this post reminds us that life is less about trying to forget the bad times, and more about accepting them as they are and finding the positive in them.

My grandmother passed away. Yes it hurts. But she is not suffering anymore. She doesn’t have to worry about her cancer coming back. She doesn’t have to worry about being in pain. I may have lost her, but she has gained freedom.

My son  leaves me every Saturday and doesn’t come back until Sunday night. Yes, this hurts. Yes, it disrupts my sleep patterns. But my son gets to spend time with his father. He gets to see more people and visit a larger playground. My ex gets to cuddle his son and sing him to sleep.During this time, while I may not sleep, I am able to do a few things for myself.

Basically, I look to find the positive.

Sometimes, it’s hard. That is when the following techniques come into play.

Breath release, water shedding and earth grounding.

Breath Release:

The first thing I do is breathe. Believe it or not, this goes a long way. Slow deep breaths while focusing on the rhythm. Nothing but my breath.

Then I imagine the emotions I’m feeling as colors on the wind. Spinning around me in chaotic madness. I imagine inhaling these colors, bringing them deep into my core. I merge them with positive feelings, the love I feel for people in my life, the peace I feel when I’m by the ocean, the calm of the vast black night sky. I allow the positive to take over and I breath the negative out, slowly, deliberately. I imagine the negative colors floating away, up and out into the air. This is best done outside.

Water Shedding:

The first thing I do is run a hot shower. I choose incense/essential oils in a good cleansing or relaxing scent. I meditate as I get prepare for the shower. I inhale the steam and envision it filling me, pushing all negative feelings to the surface of my skin.

As I enter the shower, I keep the image of my negative feelings on my skin’s surface. As I shower, I imagine it washing off my skin. I think about the ways the situation could be positive, looking at things from every angle. I wash away every negative thought and inhale the positive with the steam. I allow the hot shower to relax my muscles and my mind.

Grounding:

The first thing I do is choose an earth based target. Often I choose a grounding stone, like hematite or something strong like granite. Other times I approach a tree whose roots run deep and strong. I picture it as a strong, balanced point of earth, able to withstand pressure and pain.

I hold the object in my hands(or place my hands upon the object, if it is large enough). I focus all the negative feelings towards my hands, pushing them out into the object. I fill the empty space left by the negative with positive thoughts. I try and find the positive outlook for my negative situations. I place the stone in a safe location, if I used a stone. I thank the tree for helping me release if I used a tree.

*******************************************************************

In all things, I try to change my personal outlook on situations.

I cannot change all situations, but I CAN change my views on things.

He never got to meet my grandmother, but she loved him dearly. She didn’t have to meet him to love him. That’s what family is all about. I will teach him that.

How do you handle stress, loss and life disruption?

“If you were a single parent, would you try online dating?”

I got a couple of answers, positive, mixed and cautionary.

One Reader wrote: “I personally would be a bit afraid to (at least the eventual meet up part of it). However I would do what ever feels “right”.”

Oh, I don’t think anyone goes into this eager and excited. There are so many horror stories about online dating.

Another gave me hope: “i am a single parent and dated online. i found my soulmate online and we have been together for a little over a year now. while we are both nervous about meeting up, but we do see each other as often as his work allows (he’s coming up this weekend to spend time with me and my kids)”

This seems more the story I would be ending up with. My life situation and work limits my ability to do much beyond parenting and the small amount of socialization I get…with my roommates, LOL

This reader made me a little more wary: “I always try to veer away from any online dating due to a personal bad experience. I have heard good things as well as bad, I do not see any real issue with it as long as safety precautions are taken.”

When I hear “bad experience”, I always picture the worst case scenario that doesn’t involve death(because then she wouldn’t have been posting).

In the end, I was hesitant, but decided to go ahead and join OkCupid. I was very upfront and open on my profile. I disclosed my pre-op transgender status in the first sentence. The entire first paragraph was designed to answer most questions.

“I am a pre-op transgender male. Yes, this means I am built like a woman. No this does not make me a woman. I am open about my trans* status and have no problem answering any questions.”

I went ahead and answered their questions, oh the questions…so many questions. But I watched as I answered them, how many people started becoming less and less matched.

Now the people I come across with high matches are like me, progressive, indie, crunchy, often Pagan or Agnostic, geeky and overall brainy.

I’ve been contacted by some nice people, and I’ve contacted a few. Conversations are flowing. Nothing is being planned, but there are lots of good people being connected with.

My transgender status hasn’t really been a factor, in fact, the few people I’ve spoken with labeled themselves either bisexual or pansexual, and I fit in their “scope”. It is nice to see that be found on a dating site. I expected to be alone in a see of cisgender heterosexual people. I was pleasantly surprised.

That being said, I’ve learned quite a bit in the past 4 days….

What I learned:

1. Lying to yourself or the profile will only create a relationship/friendship based on a lie
2. Being completely honest is HARD
3. Exploring yourself for the purpose of finding someone goes against basic instinct
4. Putting yourself out there, and being honest with your faults makes you feel VERY vulnerable
5. Being a single parent means you have to be REALLY selective. I have to judge not only if they would be good for me, but also for my son.
6. Connecting with people is nerve wracking. So much so that I literally warned one person ahead of time that I suffer from “foot in mouth” syndrome.
7. Take time to really know what you want before you go on to introduction or even seeking.
8. Expect a creeper or two. I haven’t been approached by any yet, but I know it will happen.

Anyway, thank you all who responded to the question. Maybe I will post more on this as things develop.

So, tell me, would you date online if you were a single parent?

Oh, and just because I can, here’s SUPERMAN!!!

So, last night my housemate and I were doing math on March’s food budget. Basically, we were debating on what was and was not needed for food. This is a big thing every month because our incomes are very small, and our food bill is fairly high, about $600 a month(5 adults and a baby).

We only have enough money for one big “special” meal per month. Usually, this isn’t hard, as there is usually just one big holiday a month.

Usually.

Except Easter falls on March 31st this year while Ostara is the 20th.

That makes it very difficult when planning meals.

So we sat debating on how to handle this.

And I think we came up with a good compromise.

Are you ready for a little chuckle?

We are coloring Ostara eggs.

Credit: http://theearthisourteacher.blogspot.com/

And having an Easter lamb dinner.

Click for a Chow.com Basic Leg of Lamb Recipe!

We are decorating the house in bunnies(donated from my son’s stuffed animal pile) for the first half of the month, holding ritual on the 20th, and honoring Spring. A few days later, we begin preparations for Easter, with open conversation of how the two intersect and intermingle with old and new traditions.

Having a mixed faith household doesn’t mean limited conversation and a divided house. With open minded individuals, it means finding common ground and harmony.  We have long conversations about Jesus, Kali, Bast, Zeus, Osiris, Thor, Odin, and many other gods and goddesses. We talk about the similarities and differences between the different pantheons, and different mindsets of our respective faiths. We talk about the extremes in our faiths, and the positive outcomes.

We do not allow our differences to come between us; we use them to strengthen our resolve to be a wonderful and cohesive family unit.

Do you have a mixed faith household?

Share your stories of how you handle holidays below!