~ P A M c a k e s ~

On the way to Recovery

2007-07-17T11:57:00.000+08:00

Thank God!

Today I've realized the answer to my ongoing question. I've been asking myself, "Now that I've become a Christian, why is it that I feel I've become 'worse', experiencing more pain... feeling that life was happier before, without much cares in the world?"

But Rick Warren's message in an interview hit me. I finally found the answer. He said, "God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy... The goal is to grow in character, in Christlikeness... You can focus on your purposes, on God and on others because if you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centredness."

And that's what I've become - selfish, self-centred. As if everything is about me.

Now, even though there's pain, I know God is dealing with me. And I thank Him for purifying me. For removing the idols of my heart. He has just removed them. Those things that we place higher than Him, those people in whom we set our hopes or dreams on. They fade away in the saving grace of Christ, who is the one, the only one who truly loves. He is the one who will "never leave us nor forsake us".

I've been proud, angry and I've harbored unforgiveness in my heart because I was mainly insecure, frustrated, stressed and tired. But now, I want to leave that kind of life and I pray that God will deal with the deepest cuts I had and have right now. He is my Healer.

I want to apologize to those I've hurt. Maybe one day, they will read this and know that I seek their forgiveness. I pray that they won't harbor unforgiveness against me so that all of us will be released from bitterness and pain. This time in this new episode of life, I aim to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to be angry.

~ p a m ~

a time to pause

2007-03-23T22:14:00.000+08:00

Life is too short to let things pass by.
Every second can actually be a moment you will never forget...
If you strive hard and look hard enough into the intangibles
it may make better sense.

But of course, you'll never know when it can hit you, just suddenly hit you -
that all these things that surround us are actually of no value.
Wealth, money, fame, career, well they may be good but is the race to win really worth it?
It may seem to be ... but until when will one race & up to what extent will one compromise just to win?

Battles of today's modern men are more complicated than it seems.
At the surface we take pride in our unending quest to succeed but deep inside
each and everyone's heart is a longing, a spiritual thirst...
Wandering, as if in a desert, as to where our steps really lead.

A question of life after death, perhaps? Or mere ramblings in our quiet thoughts.
Sadly, in the busyness of our daily business we ignore , or even choose to ignore the
call for enlightenment. I reckon that even for a moment, for that one second, we should pause. Just stop and reflect on the things that have become... so we can Quench the thirst of our spirits longing to be filled.

Hope for the Modern Unrulies

2006-10-22T21:10:00.000+08:00

Ode to the Humble

How truly intense...
And sometimes almost bewildering to me
One's poise amidst all wreck
Composure in those moments of solitude and even rage.

A stance which bespeaks of pure control
Or perhaps a-masking of those raw emotions
Intelligence and grace...modernizing our barbaric attempts to survive yet another race
Albeit in fits of treachery and betrayal
Or acceptance in the guise of today's so-called virtue of "professionalism"

What once was true kindness is now blotted with feelings of paranoia
And plagues of these depressed souls: just wanting to climb
up the ladder of their ever elusive heaven of success

But there is hope.

Check thy hearts from the indignant
For there must be reason behind all fancies
Must not thou feign emotion
For sincerity can never run amock,
As in the long crusade of the faitful

Now, faith in the minions of focus, dredging all distractions
Crucify thy lusts and prefer thy humility
For then honor comes to awaken hibernating delights -
The ferver of melancholies and drunkards alike is lost in the revelries of hopeful "bastards"
Whose angelic voices can finally evoke a teardrop
As they are freed from their self inflicted chains and pains

Finally... as though another breath of life has come to pass...

And the reward for delayed gratification has now come.

Thank you

2006-09-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

My PR status has recently been approved.
And I just want to thank the Lord for his faithfulness.
Let's just stop and remember His goodness.
Inspite of all our shortcomings He has proven ever so faithful in my life.
That's why I'm here waiting. waiting for the day to come.

....

Praise Jesus forever!!!

Economics? La ako masabi

2006-07-26T15:26:00.000+08:00

Being raised in the Philippines and living in Singapore for 6 years now equips me with a multi-dimensional view of factors shaping economies. To date, the Philippines is still engulfed in what I fondly call “star politics” where the uneducated electorate determines their vote by mass popularity and plain showbusiness.

I am disappointed by the status quo and yet I look at the highly developed country of Singapore where corruption is at its minimum, where multinational businesses thrive, where development has been realized in remarkable rates of progress (a whopping speed of merely 30 years), and yet amidst all these...I see a people greatly under stress, fighting to maintain the top position and craving for freedom.

Will the next generation of governance live up to the standards? How can we achieve the ideal democracy? What is best for the economies of Asia? These are only a few examples of questions that run through my mind, in my daily musings about the highs and the lows of my surroundings.... Oh diba? *feel*

My Favorite Christian Songs

2006-06-03T03:40:00.000+08:00

1. When God Ran

2. I Seek You For I Thirst

3. Mourning Into Dancing

4. Firm Foundation

5. Sure Foundation

OVERCOME

2006-05-30T01:00:00.000+08:00

I just came from the theatres and had fun hanging out
with new found friends over X-Men.

It's amazing how much love can be sooo selfless and sooo unselfish
Most people would take what Wolverine did as downright tragic
But I find more truth to his love than in most romance novels elsewhere.

Overcoming the fear of losing is just brave if you look at it.
There are a lot of things I wish to overcome and I will.
For one, the fear of needles and injections.
Second, the fear of heights
Finally, the fear of being alone.

Life is sweeter when you choose faith rather than fear
Independence, freedom, and self-worth.

Looking back to my younger days gives me carefree memories
But I don't want to look back anymore on happy thoughts
I want to look forward to them.

Overcoming the fear and choosing faith. That's the key.
Only two options and one choice.... fear or faith

Let's overcome and choose the road less travelled because there's eternity in faithfulness

Itchy groove

2006-05-28T17:02:00.000+08:00

A relaxing day for me...
Another rainy Sunday
With the cool breeze and the blue sky
I simply like "today".

But what I really miss is dancing
I miss our performances back in high school & college.
I'm thinking of forming a dance club here in Singapore.

Hmmm... you think anyone will be interested?
I mean it's surely better than paying a chunk o' dough
for formal classes....

haiz! Itchy groove!

Another Shady surprise

2006-05-27T15:16:00.000+08:00

The prince calms my precious mem'ries
Strengthening every moment passing
Swift and certain as heaven's breath

My future untouched.

The fortune's yet unfolding
Breathless as I wait
Another shady surprise.

4ward 2ward A craZeeWeeK

2006-03-05T23:25:00.000+08:00

I'm bout to doze off
hopin' to get sleepy soon
& I'm thinkin':
"it's gonna be a full hectic monday to wednesday"

We're handling quite a number of projects lately
And I pray that all of 'em be a success!

Counting on my Big Pop Upstairs...
Faith
Hope
Love

thursday peak

2006-01-26T12:18:00.000+08:00

The world of hearts and dreams of truth.
There's an immense intensity... an icy drop of reality.
Imagine. Create. Love.

2006-01-23T19:23:00.000+08:00

I reckon that everyone feels like a dying rose at one point or another... Below is something I've written at one low point of my life. It may make you feel good knowing that you are so much better ---->

I realized that every teardrop is precious. Each drop that falls is literally equivalent to one bad memory, one tragic moment...those that could change our lives forever. These tears are more expensice than diamonds to me because they reveal my deep most hurts and pains.

I am sad beyond fixin'

I am scared and torn, just wishing to dry my tears. If I could only fool myself that tomorrow's gonna be better, that maybe there's still a sunshine waiting to greet me each morning; that perhaps a prince will wipe all my sadness away and bring me to his castle where there are no more tears to speak of.

I am lonely, lonelier than you could ever imagine...

Welcome to the FreeRadiCalZ

2006-01-12T18:26:00.000+08:00

My company, CreativesAsia, is working on this upcoming project. It's really big and interesting. It's going to be a 3d animation all about a teenage band. To be part of the production for this project would surely be very exciting... can't wait!

Anyway, I will give you guys more updates on the production and all at this site.... http://freeradz.blogspot.com/

I hope you check it out! And do leave some comments as I bring you in the adventure of this production! thanks a million gazillion! Hope to hear from you on how we can improve the freeradicalz project!

Pam

it's starting to interest me

2005-12-05T02:34:00.000+08:00

I want to learn photography. More than capturing the moment, i want to paint that intense feeling with every click. Since I love poetry, I'd like to let my images speak out vivid words.

The glory of an orange

2005-11-21T13:37:00.000+08:00

It is said that the glory of an orange is in its juice!
Cut open. Apply pressure. And squeeze.

Isn't it just the same with people?

With every calamity, a hero stands out
Under pressure, strong character is built
And in times of sorrow, hope is born

Truly, the glory of a man is found within.
Not in the shape of their nose, nor the color they hold.
Not on the teeth they bare, nor the clothes they wear.
Not on how much money they carry, or who they marry.
These things will never determine one's glory.

Glorious Glory is found within.
It is in the loving heart of one who cares and shares
It is in the precious soul of one who forgives and is forgiven
It is in the single-minded who pursues wisdom and understands
It is in the holy spirit of one who is determined to please the Lord.

The glory of men is like the glory of oranges
You have to cut, squeeze and work them under pressure
Before you see the innate beauty they hide within...
That glorious yummy kind'a goodness!

...That Glorious Glory of Oranges!

(inspired by yesterday's sermon in church)

waiting for my choice of balance

2005-11-10T17:49:00.000+08:00

I can't breathe once again… the heaviness pressing deeply against my beating heart. Where shall I go? There are two paths and one may lead to destruction. But…who knows, it may not. I may never know.

Shall I try and fight? And risk once more? I've been here before.
But this time my heart won't win it all for I prefer balance.
The choice of balance relies on weighing scales: 1mind. 1 heart.1 soul.

Yet discount not the magic of fate, carrying us to wherever we should go.
Etching out my name in that mysterious palette of color & black & whites.
Of proverbial and woeful characters in my on-going storybook

The life plan of this sweet little follower is a spectrum of the candid & uncanny. Breathe me. Stop me from planning and making sure.
Oh sweet dependence of grace, slowing me from my rushing pace.

What a familiar place to find myself once more under the unknown.
This time I ain't crawling. I ran and I walked and I can keep steady.
Wait for me. I still need to discover my stronghold and infallible reliance.

2005-11-05T20:40:00.000+08:00

CALL TO THE FILIPINO ARTIST

The filmmaker, like his fellow artists in differentmedia, has now realized that the artist is also apublic person. He does not work in isolation fromsociety. Instead of working alone in his ivory towerthe is a citizen of the slums, of the streets, of thebattlefield if need be. The artist is always aparticipant. He tries to be true not only to his craftbut also to himself. For it is the supreme duty of theartist to investigate the truth, no matter what forcesattempt to hide it. And then to report it to thepeople, to confront them with it, like a whiplash thatwill cause wounds but will free the mind from thevarious fantasies and escapist fare that theEstablishment pollutes our minds with.To the best of our abilities, and even if weoftentimes fail, we want to do works that will hurt,films that will disturb, films that will not make yourest. For the times are really bad, and given timeslike these, it is a crime to rest. We can not rest,and we should not, while theres a fellow Filipinostarving in Negros, an Aquino or Galman crying for garbage while a corrupt family rules the countrywithuncontrolled power and wealth. While it is the dutyofthe artist to work for what is true, good, andbeautiful, first we have to expose and fight what iswrong.In these times when most of the media hide thetruthfrom us, when most of what we get from themedia aresilly gossip and petty flesh and sensationalizedcrimes, we go to the streets to find out whatshappening. We listen to those artists who dare risktheir lives and livelihoods, who reiterate once morethe utmost duty of the artist --- that the artist is acommitted person, that he will always take theside ofaany human being who is violated, abused,oppressed,dehumanized whatever his instrument ---the pen,thebrush, or the camera."

- Lino Brocka Artist as Citizen

Herein-Within : my first attempt on cheezy chapters

2005-11-02T23:05:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I've found you..finally, in this cold city.
Living uncertainly for years, and now I'm alive again as if the first time.
Yes, I believe life can't be colorful without love. I have always believed in this.
And yet as much as my faith was, there remained a deeper longing.

***

Rather, a love far-reaching than just two souls
A union more moving than empty melodies

Calming me, with your sweet songs and your pure innocent heart
What do you know? But make me smile, and make me sing and dance.

Whether, you and me herein-within...
Such is my shelter in you, without fear.

A new, is friend, as all takes us in better form.
Bypass our past, and shadows gleam, for darkness has its way towards the light.
Ever wheeling my fortunes and delights.

End me. You steer me away from such melancholies.
Fancy you and me once more, herein-within, endlessly forever.

***

Carry me now, and swiftly...we'll reel our dreams.
For in your confidence I am safe.
In your love, eternally protected.

What light and strength have you whenever I'm dazed and unknown.
Thank you for letting me shine, for letting me soar and now,
light as a feather I feel free as your gentle wind blows me high....Serene and Lovely.

...

2005-11-01T00:04:00.000+08:00

id like to love u... like the truth that will not falter, like that instant moment of feeling beautiful. like id like to love u that way.

PRE-postmortem

2005-10-27T20:01:00.000+08:00

I had a 2 week project in Singapore as a writer / producer.

The 2 week project reinforced things I've already believed in.

It also carved new insights and ways of learning:

~That life is more than earning dough; that life is fuller with people
around; that relationships do come and go so quickly if you're not on
guard; that a little charm can make a big leap; that one destination
can extend to another; that the heart can be foolish as the mind can
be wise; that balance is essential; that there is a better way to lead
and that is to care for the people working for you; that a lot of
laughter make up for sleepless nights and "bathe-less" days; that
there is always someone up there to thank for all the blessings; that
amidst the busy schedule and fast paced life of this modern day, we
must not forget our spirits hungry to be nurtured…."for what good it
is if we gain the whole world but in the end lose our soul!"

B e a u t i f u l ~ C h a o s

2005-10-23T08:46:00.000+08:00

The past 2 weeks had been very full. I stop and realize how so much has happened in just 14 days... (gasp!) Now, I sit here at a time when I thought all the action would be all gone and over, but no...life never fails to amaze me.

I can't believe how stupid I can be to experience this feeling the 2nd time around. Guess what? I missed my plane again. stuck...stuck...stuck in this tiny red dot of the world map, yeah I'm stuck again in Singapore! (eyes shut. breathe.)

In retrospect, this time didn't feel as bad as the first. For one, I expected it coming early this morning when I got up late, clock ticking, pressure rushing and all the crap of this "late freak". Forgive me, but... it's just all too frustrating. One lesson I'm still trying to perfect is never repeating the same mistakes again. Argh! Lord help me.

~~~

Well, let's leave some room for consolation I suppose. I mean if you really come to think of it, the first time I was left by the plane, it was not because I was not prepared nor did I wake up late. Actually we checked in very early then. My friend and I were headed to Japan for an English contest, all expenses paid. Exciting huh?! But, when the plane was calling for its final boarding, my friend stopped and realized he left his suit, his "magic costume", a lucky charm to him I guess. So we hurriedly called his roomate who rushed as fast as he could (of course) to deliver the "magic suit". And to our shock... as we were inches and seconds away, the gate finally closed and they told us that they are removing our stuff from the plane. Wah! It was one of the days I could not forget, you know that feeling... as if your heart suddenly dropped. The thing with that first time was that all happened so quickly and it was just a matter of minutes or even seconds when our emotions whirled from excitement to dead shock.

On the other hand, right now, I admit I don't feel so stunned. I mean even while I was in the cab heading towards the airport I knew all too well: it would take a miracle for me to board that plane. And in essence, to the part of me I'm trying to remove, you "late freak": you deserve to be "punished". *hush hush* This is the end. I will do all it takes to break this. I aim to improve on this area, because it can certainly break me. Besides, it's not at all reflective of my faith in Him. Lord help me.

Time is truly gold... now I hafta shell out a few dollars from my pocket. It should have been free all along.

~~~

Yup, it was supposed to be free. I got a round trip ticket to and fro the "garden city" because I was contracted as a writer & producer of a corporate video. Our client was Masterbulk, a Norweigian company based in Singapore. It was a 2-week project that indeed, offered me lots of learnings and a relatively good pay. I was also able to go to Shanghai for 2 days, again all expenses paid. Everything happened so fast and for the first time I experienced having no regular sleep and staying in the office over night for 3 days. Well, it was a rushed project. And I decided to stay on because I wanted to observe, and learn and see what can be done, should have been done and it was all good and memorable to me. *I will leave room for the details in the next entry though, (deep breath. calm.)

I'm listening to this cd playing over and over again in this cafe and it sorta leaves a message of what I feel: I want to walk in fields of gold and bask in the bronze sunshine. I want to swim inside my colorful dreams. (deep breath. calm. beautiful.)

2005-09-19T23:05:00.000+08:00

Haha! Finally found the poem, I was telling you about:

exhibit A: crumpled torn page of a cutesy notebook
dated: 2003 May 01
content:

Grabeh ang buhay nakakatuwa.
Mga emosyong nakahiga sa duyan ng tadhana.
Ang daming kulay, paiba-iba ang ugoy.
Lumalakas ang kabog ng dibdig.

Kay bilis ng takbo. Umaga-gabi-tanghali.
Kanina. Ngayon. Kahapon. Ang noon at ang
hinaharap prang tubig sa ilog.
Malamig at kay bilis ng daloy.

Lilipas din ang iyong nararamdaman.
Sa oras din yan mawawala. Ngiti lang ang aking katapat.
Hay salamat.

Make it Happen!

2005-09-16T22:40:00.000+08:00

I've been wanting to post this ironically profound-and-yet-funny-(funny to me)-Tagalog poem I wrote a couple of years back. It was interesting finding it again yesterday in one of my drawers. But, what do you know, it's once again nowhere to be found. Perhaps, another year of rediscovering would once and for all lay it out in the open.

And so, I'd like to continue this post with another topic altogether. Why not talk about the entrepreneurial spirit... Well, to explain this unusual urge, I just came from a panel discussion of sorts which attempted to determine, explain and describe where Singapore is at right now in terms of their collective entrepreneurship system/culture and I did agree with one of the comments from this Hong Kong local. He said that Singapore's system seems like a tight box where entrepreneurs are confined or trapped. With all the government support, or sometimes too much spoonfeeding e.g. financial assistance and the like, emerging businessmen tend to rely on subsidies and what not. Hence, considering that this "dependency culture" is rising, I believe it will be detremental for nurturing a globalized outlook for businessmen who tread upon foreign ground. Businessmen of this digital and globalized era cannot afford to shy away from the whole world of opportunities. It's all about risking, striving and working hard towards what you believe in, despite criticisms and jeers of unbelief.

Indeed, entrepreneurs are made and not born as some people say. But there is the crucial factor, the "entrepreneurial spirit", which is innate in every successful businesmaker. Whatever your profession may be, you may nurture this in-born gift. If you make things happen, if you're not afraid of risks, if you calculate your options and make wise decisions, if you ask a lot of questions, if you fight for the answers you believe in, if you propose solutions and opportunities to grow, if you dare make mistakes, and if you dare persevere in always bouncing back.... my, friend you have it and you will make it in the end.

Advice: Hold on to that dream and make it happen!

He who loved

2005-08-28T19:11:00.000+08:00

they were oblivious and indifferent.

but the one man who cared stood out.

the parti-E-s and the booze did not matter.

he did not need them to be filled.

well, he looked like a hippie from days ago:
sported long hair and a looooong beard.
He was different alright but not because of these but because...

He carried a joyful heart.

It was something unsual, something the cold world did not understand
...such a man in this modern times as this?
Yes, it was 2005, But....

marked by his sincere smile and sweet loving eyes,
this man gave continously. He cared without expecting a return.
He spoke gently and was not impressed by the common things.
While the world craved for power, money, pleasure and all things of the self,
this man was satisfied.

It was a love from Jesus, a love that never runs dry nor gets cold.
This is more than brotherly love but a divine love.
One that is never found in selfishness but rather in truth and peace.

Don't we long to follow Him like this man who stood out.
It's time to make a difference for GOD!
It is no accident that we were raised at such a time as this.
And LOVE... the only weapon the devil does not have and we can use it!

Pambihira

2005-07-27T16:50:00.000+08:00

A shame to have feared the impossible. Why one counts the days of doom and not regard that so-called bright side of life: the sunshine, the honey, the flowers and bees, and all those things yellow... Break free I say. What can the normal bring anyway but uniformity? It's damn okay to take the road less travelled and discover what has yet to come. Create the dream ourselves baby! No other beauty but in knowing that there's no such thing as impossible.

listening to:
nosuchthingbyjohnmayer

~~~~~ P A M c a k e s ~~~~~