(parenthetical)

test

2011-12-09T10:30:00.002-05:00

I'm not here, I'm there

2011-01-01T20:39:00.000-05:00

I'm blogging here now. See you there!

Humble Pie: Seldom Served a la Mode

2010-10-12T20:55:00.000-04:00

Thank God for the internet. Because if it weren't for online flash presentations, I'd never have remembered how to do long division.

PS--were we doing long division in fourth grade in the 70s? I don't think we were.

Sartor Resartus

2010-10-04T21:27:00.000-04:00

Should you have any interest in what transpired in my house this morning between 7:30 and 8:00 or so, then just read this post, published two years ago. With slight modifications (sadly, he no longer uses the word "stonkhead", and he introduced the classic "ALL MY FRIENDS WILL BE WEARING SHORT PANTS" argument while presenting his case), our morning was nearly identical to the one documented in the 2008 post.

It's time to send 6yo and his brother to bed. Not necessary, of course, since THEY ARE TOTALLY NOT TIRED.

Were you looking for a sharp-dressed man?

2010-09-30T22:13:00.001-04:00

This one will be six years old tomorrow.

This place is a mess

2010-09-25T00:06:00.000-04:00

I just did some housekeeping here in my actual house, and it looks like I need to clean this place up, too. There are blogs on my blog list whose titles I don't even recognize, and I haven't seen updates from many of them in months. The blog list vs. "follow" feature is another thing I need to clean up...I follow some blogs that don't appear on my blog list, and vice versa.

If you don't follow any blogs (back when I was hanging around here more regularly, there seemed to be an anti-follow backlash; I'm not sure if this feature is still controversial), then you might not know that the feature works something like a reader. You get a feed of your followed blogs, automatically updated in your dashboard. It's rather useful. But when I started following, there didn't seem to be any way to link your blog roll to your follow list, so you'd have to add new blogs separately to each. That's too much work. So when I start the clean-up operation, I'll see if I can synchronize these two features (I'm sure that it's really embarrassingly obviously easy to do this).

Since I haven't updated Twitter in months, the Twitter feed might have to go, too. I might change the layout and colors again. And maybe a new profile picture is in order...the Necco wafers were meant to be temporary, part of an old blog joke. Let me know if there are any new blogs that I shouldn't miss. I'll invite you all over when the renovations are finished.

The Bilge is Back

2010-09-21T22:46:00.000-04:00

No promises here, because I am nothing if not inconsistent, but I might be back. As usual, I have nothing and everything to say and not much time in which to say it, but as usual, this won't stop me.

When I last posted to this blog, I had an 8yo and a 5yo. I now have a 9yo and an almost 6yo, who are in 4th grade and kindergarten, respectively (5yo just missed the cutoff last year and hadn't turned 5 in time to start kindergarten). This summer, 5yo went from extremely reluctant swimmer to full-fledged member of the team, swimming in every B meet and two A meets (as a last-minute substitute for sick teammates). 9yo has developed a wide-ranging interest in history, and is now particularly fascinated with Pearl Harbor and Area 51. He's going to start playing the clarinet next month, with his school's instrumental music program.

I am taking a break from classes this fall. I wasn't sure if I could manage my own schoolwork and the boys', so I took a semester off. So that creates a blogging catch-22...I might have some extra time to blog, but without school to complain about, then what do I write about? I expect to figure that out straightaway, so stay tuned.

I don't hold with no book learnin' (Part One Million)

2010-08-04T22:51:00.001-04:00

I'm going to start blogging again soon, as soon as I'm finished with this class. Alert the media, and save me a seat, OK?

This blog is not abandoned; it's on hiatus

2010-06-14T20:34:00.000-04:00

Something has to give, and unfortunately, this blog is that thing. I'll be back soon!

Why I'm no more likely to become a literary critic than I am to become professional hockey player

2010-06-02T09:29:00.000-04:00

Once again, I'm thoroughly enjoying the reading for my class (Mark Twain, what is not to like?); and once again, I find myself with very little to say about it. Sadly, elaborations on the theme of "it's awesome, you should totally read it!" will not be suitable essay material. This is my life as a reluctant scholar.

I have few problems that summer can't solve

2010-05-29T23:00:00.001-04:00

Chinese spam would improve this blog

2010-05-21T21:25:00.002-04:00

Hi!

My visits here have become ever more sporadic and brief, but here I am! I'm just about at the end of a brief between-classes break. I still don't have a grade for my last class (and that, my friends, is a whole 'nother story, one which I will tell you at ridiculous length when I have a bit more time).

Tomorrow, I'm going to Philadelphia (yay!) because Caitlin.Maia is graduating. From college! My sister is graduating! See, this is a big deal because she's my sister, and also because these days, it seems rather miraculous to me that people actually graduate at the expected and traditional time. She's 22, and that's what 22-year-olds do, they graduate from college. It's not what I did, of course, but the upside is that it's entirely likely that I'd never have started this blog had I finished school when I was supposed to, and just think of the void that this would have left.

I know, it's too much to contemplate.

So I'm going to have a fun weekend, then I'm going to enjoy the remaining few days of my semester break. Starting on June 1, I'll be spending far more time with Mark Twain and Stephen Crane than I'd really planned. Lisa, I might need an Editor of Dead Authors. Do you work on a freelance basis? Call me!

Visual Acuity

2010-05-07T23:03:00.003-04:00

You might remember that I wear contact lenses (and I didn't change this font. What just happened?)

Anyway.

I went today for my somewhat less than annual eye exam. I needed new contact lenses, and apparently, you have to have a current prescription. Sigh. I hate having an eye exam like I hate traffic court and finals (tomorrow, BTW, and look how hard I'm studying), but I'm down to one pair of lenses. And I can't see so good even when I'm wearing them, so it was time to see a doctor.

When I go to the eye doctor, I always warn the technician that she's going to have a hard time blowing the little puff of air in my eye for the glaucoma test. "Little puff of air." It's like someone trained a firehose right into my eyesocket. I flinch every time, multiple times. I can always see them losing patience at about puff three or so, and then they do what they should do from the very beginning: Do not warn me that it's coming, just blow.

Now that my eyes were properly aerated, the doctor took over.

Do you lie to your doctors? I do, all the time. I don't really don't know why, since I have practically no bad health habits except for the sweet tooth to which I freely admit. But every time a doctor asks me if I'm doing or not doing whatever, I feel compelled to lie. And I don't lie about anything else. At the doctor's, though, I want to both bask in medical professional approval AND avoid lectures. So I just tell them what they want to hear. I'm not doing myself any good, and really, I'm pretty sure that the doctors both A. know that I'm lying, and B. don't care. That said, it's very likely that I will continue to lie to the medical profession.

"Are you rubbing your lenses every night when you clean them?" the doctor asked. "I know that they sell this 'no-rub' solution, but there's no such thing--you should be cleaning the lenses manually every night."

"Oh yes, definitely," I said. Fat lie. Most nights, it's all I can do to get the silly things out of my eyes in one piece. Shiatsu massage for contact lenses is and will remain at the very bottom of my to-do list.

"Good," she said. "Do you ever sleep in your lenses?"

"No, not intentionally. Very rarely, I take a nap with them in, but I never actually wear them to bed." This is actually 100% true, on both counts: I hardly ever nap, and I never wear my contact lenses to bed.

"Very good," she beamed approvingly. "How often do you change your lenses?"

"Every two weeks; three at most," I said, with a straight face. This is a seriously overweight lie. I can make a two-week pair of soft lenses last for two months. If I ever do get around to administering the recommended daily contact lens spa treatment, I bet I can wear the same pair of lenses for an entire Congressional election cycle.

"Excellent," she said. I was her best patient today, probably all week. I fully expected to be invited to appear as a guest lecturer on the subject of contact lens hygiene, and I would have happily accepted. "Do as I say and not as I do" has worked very well as a child-rearing philosophy, and I see no reason why this approach shouldn't be an equally effective way of educating contact lens wearers who aren't as conscientious as I am (in my mind.)

As I suspected, I needed a new prescription, and I'll have to go back on Tuesday to try them, since she didn't have the new prescription in stock. Meanwhile, filed under the heading of "I was this close to getting out of here" was her final review of my chart. She looked up at me.

"When is the last time you had your eyes dilated? I noticed you didn't do that the last few times you were here, and you seem to have told the technician that you didn't want to do it today either."

"Oh gosh," I said. "I don't remember."

It's really impossible to overstate the grotesque obesity of this particular lie, since I remembered perfectly well when I had last had my eyes dilated. It was never. I'd never had my eyes dilated, not even one time, and if it weren't for officious chart-snooping optometrists and rat-fink sell-a-person-down-the-river technicians, I'd still hold that perfect record.

But noooooooo.

The kindly beam of approval disappeared. The steely clinical gaze appeared in its place. "It's very important to have a retinal exam every year. It's really the only way we can detect all kinds of bad shit that happens to people's eyes." I tried to look earnest and concerned, but I was busily working up my next lie, the one that was going to get me out of the office with my pupils beady and constricted. That's how I like them.

"OK, how about if I have it done when I come back to get my contact lenses?"

"Why not now?"

"Well, I have to drive."

"How far?"

"Well, just to pick my kids up from school." Dumbass. It was 11:30 in the morning, and as it turned out, the doctor also has children who are Montgomery County Public School students, so she knew perfectly well that I had at least three hours. "Perfect!" she said. "You have plenty of time!"

So ended the struggle. And except for the slight stinging (hurt like bloody hell on fire), minor delay (sucked up half of my day), and temporarily blurred vision (blind), it was not that bad.

(Lie.)

I don't hold with no book learnin'

2010-04-28T20:39:00.000-04:00

What's the oldest joke on this blog?
I'm writing a paper right now. No, I'm not! I'm avoiding writing a paper!

I know that I ALWAYS say that whatever assignment I'm working on is the most beastly assignment ever foisted upon a hapless undergraduate, but this one really is. And I know that I ALWAYS say that whatever I've written is utter bilge, but the current draft of this paper really is utter bilge. Finally, I know that I always tell 8yo that it's better to just sit down and do your work, rather than indulging in 45 minutes of woe-is-me drama and stallling tactics, but you can file that right under the heading of do as I say and not as I do. The spirit is unwilling, and the flesh isn't all that cooperative either.

It ain't right

2010-04-19T23:13:00.000-04:00

I don't think that I should have to submit a paper when the last paper that I wrote has still not been graded. And that is all I have to say about that.

Word Verification: That Shit Doesn't Work

2010-03-29T09:46:00.000-04:00

My last one-sentence post received 179 comments, a record for this blog, and very few of them were in English. Apparently, word verification is a far less than foolproof method of spam prevention. Accordingly, I am disabling it for now. 使自己在家裡，垃圾郵件發送者。

Word to the apparently unwise

2010-03-22T19:27:00.000-04:00

If your cover letter tells me that you have "earned a reputation for the inept performance of (your) duties", then I'm going to take you at your word.

Advice from the Trenches

2010-03-11T20:34:00.001-05:00

Did you know that I am a recruiter? Not the agency headhunter kind. I'm an in-house recruiter. My job is to recruit and hire people, and I like it very much.

I have a professional certification in Human Resources, but recruiting is the only thing I really like to do. Right now, I work for an architectural and engineering services company.

Architecture is a field that's been particularly hard-hit by the recession, and for every job opening, I get hundreds of applicants. We're in Maryland, but at least 20 percent of my applicants are in Michigan, and another 20 percent or so are in Florida. I also get far more frequent phone calls than was once common.

You might have heard that recruiters don't like phone calls, but I actually don't mind phone calls at all. I will always take a call from an applicant. If I'm busy and I'm letting calls go to voice mail, I will always call back.   So if you're job-hunting, and you've submitted an application somewhere, and you're not sure if you should call or not, here are some reasons why you should call (exception: if the posting says "no phone calls please," then you'll probably be automatically disqualified if you call. I don't do "no phone calls" postings, but some companies do):

1. To make sure that they actually have your resume. I use an online applicant tracking system, and applicants apply and upload their resumes through our Careers page. It usually works pretty well, but it's not foolproof. So if you haven't received any kind of auto-response, then just call to make sure they have your resume.
2. To make sure that someone has actually read your resume. I actually read every single resume that comes in, but sometimes it takes me a few days to get to all of them. If you call, I'll read your resume while you're on the phone with me, and I'll tell you what I think right away.

If I tell you that you don't meet the minimum qualifications for the position, it's definitely OK to say something like "well, I know I don't have the 5 years of project management experience, but I've researched your company's projects, and I did exactly the same kind of work for some of your clients, so I'm very familiar with your projects and your client base". Maybe I didn't read your resume carefully enough the first time, and your pointing this out will make me realize that we definitely should consider you.   You can also ask me to pass your resume along to the hiring manager anyway, just in case something suitable for you opens. I will always say yes when someone asks me to do this, and I will always actually do it.

What you don't want to do is argue about the validity of our requirements. My firm works exclusively for federal government clients, and for most (not all) positions, we're looking for applicants with experience in the federal sector. If you don't have that experience, you probably won't be considered for most positions. If you tell me that "there's no difference whatsoever between federal and commercial work, and if anyone tells you that there is, then they're crazy or lying" (near-verbatim quote from a recent caller), then I promise you that you absolutely won't be considered for any position.

Read the job description very carefully. If you can, revise your resume to highlight the experience you have that's directly relevant. If you don't quite meet the minimum qualifications? Go ahead and apply anyway. If the posting says you need five years of experience, and you only have three, two things might happen:
1. I'll have a ton of applicants who meet the minimum qualifications, so I won't consider you, but I won't think badly of you for trying, OR
2. I won't have nearly enough applicants who meet the minimum qualifications, which means I'll revise those qualifications and reconsider the resumes that I've marked not qualified. Then, I'll have your resume and you'll have a chance at the job.

While I recommend trying for the position that's a level or two above your qualifications, I don't recommend applying for a position that has nothing to do with your background. In particular, I really recommend that you carefully read the job description for any job containing the words "Project Manager" or "Program Manager" in its title. If you are an IT Project Manager, and you submit your resume, along with a cover letter declaring that you are ideally suited for the position, to a posting for an Architect Project Manager, or a Site Planning Project Manager, you will not only not be considered, you'll be immediately labeled an idiot by the recruiter who has 200 resumes to read.   For those who will point out that "Architect" can mean "systems architect" or "software engineer" and that there are "planners" in lots of disciplines, I will say again: Read The Job Description. The title doesn't always say it all.

What was that? You want more advice? Of course you do! Here's more:

If you're applying for a position in a distant location, and it's a position for which relocation assistance is not typically offered (staff-level architect or planner or engineer, for example), you should state in your cover letter that you're either interested in moving to that particular area, or that you're searching nationwide, and that you're open to moving without assistance. It's also helpful to tell me how long it would take you to move. Here's why you should do this: I receive a ton of resumes, and I read all of them. For most positions, I have enough local applicants. This means that if you're applying from Michigan, and I have 200 applicants, and at least 30 qualified applicants right in town, then I will not contact you to ask you about your relocation plans. I just don't have time. I might contact you if I don't have enough local applicants, but that's a rare occurrence. If, however, you are qualified for the job, and you tell me right up front in your cover letter "Hey! I want to move to Washington D.C. to be with family. I don't need relocation assistance and I can be available within two weeks of receiving an offer!", then I will consider you right along with the local applicants.

Most companies use automated applicant tracking systems, and applicants are asked to submit their resumes online. I have seen and heard harebrained advice suggesting that jobseekers ignore these instructions, and submit their resumes through the "Contact Us" link, or via fax or mail, because then they'll stand out! Yes, they will stand out as resumes of people who don't read instructions. In some companies, applicants have to apply as instructed, or they're disqualified. I will not disqualify applicants who send their resumes outside the system, but you still shouldn't do it. What happens is that resumes submitted via the "Contact Us" link are delivered to a general email box monitored by a marketing assistant. She gets 150 or more emails a day, so it will take her several days to get to your resume and forward it to me. When I get it, it goes into a "candidates" folder in my inbox, and I only get to those resumes when I have enough downtime to read them and upload them into the system. It might take a week and it might take a month. I will read your resume, because again, I read every resume, but by the time I get to it, we might have filled the position.   Why risk missing your chance at the job?

Finally, you should know that most recruiters are pretty good at remembering names and personal details. I seldom know where my phone is at any given moment, but if you called me six months ago, I can almost guarantee that I will remember you when you call again. I'll be very happy to hear from you, and I'll also be very happy to hear about any new experience you've gained in those months that makes you suited for a job with us. The whole process of applying for jobs in an electronic environment can feel very remote and dehumanized, but there's a person on the other end of that internet connection, and she is reading your resume and wishing you well, even when she can't hire you.

Chinese Spam: That Shit Doesn't Work Anymore

2010-03-10T20:16:00.000-05:00

I've had to temporarily enable comment moderation, due to my blog's suddenly stratospheric popularity among Chinese spammers. Sorry for the inconvenience. I'll have a real post soon.

That Stuff Doesn't Work (cleaned-up third grade edition)

2010-03-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

Dear 8yo,

I know that you want to play a video game. But if, in your haste to get to said video game, you rush through your homework, making a poor and sloppy job of it, I will only make you erase it and start over. From the beginning. Do it neatly and well the first time, and you'll have plenty of time to play. Additional advice: The eye-rolling, sighing, this-is-so-not-fair drama is entirely wasted on me.

Love,
Mom

New Feature: TSDW

2010-02-27T16:14:00.000-05:00

That Shit Doesn't Work, Volume 1, No. 1

The "microwave method" of softening concrete-hard brown sugar, as recommended by the manufacturer? That Shit Doesn't Work. There is also a suggested overnight method, but chances are, you need the brown sugar now, not tomorrow, so That Shit Doesn't Work either (in the interest of full disclosure, however, I must state that I have tested only the former method, not the latter.) If you've begun a baking endeavor for which brown sugar is required and you are past the point of no return, just borrow some brown sugar from a neighbor. This method is 100% effective.

Meanwhile, That Shit Doesn't Work is a new, occasional feature. That Shit Doesn't Work might apply to political philosophies, fashion trends, helpful household hints, or harebrained schemes of the Koreans Tying Strings to Shit variety. Suggestions are welcome.

So that potholder? You hold a pot with it, right?

2010-02-21T20:14:00.003-05:00

Dear CDP,

We're potstickers. We stick to pots, that's what we do. You give us a pot, and we'll stick to it with a tenacity that would put a bulldog with a bone to shame. None of us even got through elementary school, let alone more than halfway through the pursuit of a university degree in the English language, but we're smart enough to know what something called a "POT-STICKER" plans to do.

Here's the thing, CDP. We didn't attempt to deceive you. We didn't try to obscure our true nature. By our name, we make our intentions quite clear. So when you cook a bunch of us for potsticker soup, and you then leave us in a big bowl while you chop vegetables, it seems rather foolish (one might say "asinine", or "idiotic", or perhaps "a display of abysmal chumpitude of the highest order") that you would then react with shocked and chagrined outrage when you find that we have, in fact, stuck to the pot. That name is not symbolic in any way; nor is it an ironic, postmodern challenge to would-be deconstructionists. Truthfully, we're not that smart (apparently, though, we're smarter than some.) The name "potsticker" was meant to be interpreted in the most literal sense:

"Potsticker" = "That which sticks to the pot".

We do apologize for any misunderstanding. In the future, we'll ask that you remember that when confronted with a pot, any pot, we will stick to it with single-minded determination. Barnacles will be scraped off the hull of a shipwreck more easily than we will be separated from the pot to which we stick. It's called a raison d'etre. Look it up, scholar.

Yours sincerely,
The Potstickers (we stick to pots)

Translation

2010-02-12T12:54:00.000-05:00

"Spa Cuisine" = "You will be scrounging for snacks no more than 45 minutes after you finish eating this".

The Last Word

2010-02-06T17:31:00.002-05:00

I like snow as well as the next person, which is to say not much at all. This is entirely too much snow.

My husband loves me, and I love him. This doesn't stop us from engaging in frequent marital chop-busting. See here. And here. More here. And some more here.

There are variations. Sometimes, it's event-specific , like after I received my fifth speeding ticket in 2009; or like when security man, who never stops nagging me about locking my car, went out and left the front door WIDE OPEN (an event which he still denies, two years after it most assuredly took place.) At other times, the busting of chops is focused on particular quirks. I never answer my phone, and he'll interrupt anything to answer his. I misplace things all the time, while he can engage in a lengthy conversation with me and then just a few minutes later, forget that the entire conversation took place. Today, we went a few rounds of what I call situational chop-busting. This is distinguished from event-specific chop busting in that it occurs during a recurring situation, such as putting up Christmas lights, or negotiating over music selection for a road trip. Or shoveling snow.

My normal snow-shoveling method consists of standing at the kitchen window. That's why I got married, I'll think to myself as I watch my husband shovel. Today, however, there's really just too much snow for one person to handle. So I put on my boots and jacket, picked up a shovel, and started to move snow with it. How long do you suppose it took for him to begin offering helpful critiques of my shoveling technique? If you guessed longer than "10 seconds," you're wrong.

"Hey hon?" he said.

Holy Mother of God, I thought. Already? He has a helpful snow-shoveling hint ALREADY?

"What?" I said, in what I hoped was a "don't start with me" voice. By the way, I'm not sure why I even bother with the "don't start with me" voice, because it has no effect whatsoever on him.

"Try to move the snow to your right, not to your left. See, that just adds more snow in back of your car, and I'm eventually going to have to shovel that out, too."

"Fine," I said, with what I felt was a very clear "shut the hell up" tone. The "shut the hell up" tone is also lost on him.

Since we were trying to shovel out his truck, because that's the only thing we'll be able to drive in an emergency, I thought that it would be wise to clean the truck off first, so that I could then shovel up the snow already on the ground along with the snow that I clean off the truck. That's good thinking, right? I thought so, too.

"Hon?"

Jesus Christ on the Cross, I thought.

"WHAT?"

"You should use the broom on my car. Good idea to clean the truck off first, but you should use the broom."

"There's two fucking feet of snow on this truck," I said. "Nothing but a shovel is going to make the slightest dent in this snow. I'm not going to hurt your car, but I can't promise that I won't assault you with this shovel."

Ha! I win! I thought, as he continued to shovel without further comment. How long do you think his diplomatic silence lasted? If you guessed any length of time longer than thirty seconds, you are wrong again.

"Hon?"

"WHAAAAAT????" A blind and deaf person would have clearly discerned the "God help you if you say one more word" tone, but he missed it entirely.

"Don't you see where you're shoveling? That's the grass, there. You don't need to shovel the snow off the grass. Just concentrate on making a path down to the street for the truck."

"NO, I can't see where I'm shoveling because AGAIN, there's TWO FEET OF SNOW OUT HERE. How am I supposed to distinguish grass from pavement when they're both under two feet of snow?"

"Yeah, but the truck is parked on the bump-out, and the grass is right behind the bump-out. Even you should know where the driveway ends and the grass begins".

"Oh REALLY? Well you know what else? EVEN I know that you're wearing a woman's hat!"

"What are you talking about? My mom made this hat."

"Yeah, I know. She made it for me. It's a lavender and teal crocheted cap with a tassel on top. What about this hat says menswear to you?"

"The fact that it's keeping my head warm. I don't care what the hat looks like, my head feels just fine."

"And it looks downright pretty. I have a scarf to match, I can get it for you."

"No, don't bother. Just keep shoveling out the lawn in case someone needs play badminton. When you're finished, you can climb up and shake the snow off the tree branches...you never know if a hibernating squirrel's going to need an ambulance up there."

I crack up at things that are far less funny than that, so the back-and-forth ceased for a few minutes. I'm nothing if not gracious in defeat. This was a good-natured argument to begin with, but even if it wasn't, I'd have laughed at the tree suggestion.

We continued to shovel for a bit, talking about this and that. Did I see how the mailboxes were just barely poking out of the snow? Yes, I did. Did he know that the Postal Service had announced that there would be no mail delivery today? No, really? Yes, and they'll probably close school on Monday, too.

I was finally tired, so I decided to take a break. "Go ahead," he said indulgently. "I'm going to keep going for a while...it's good that you cleared off some of that grass, in case anyone needs to practice putting."

I put my shovel down. "That's still a woman's hat," I said.

This Just In

2010-02-02T12:33:00.002-05:00

In other news, winter would have continued for another six weeks anyway.