“You messed up again! “ 

“You should have known better!”

Sound familiar?

Of course it does! It’s that know-it-all, bullying, mean-spirited committee in your head.  Don’t you wish they would just shut up already!

The Committee in Our Heads

We all have voices inside our heads commenting on our moment-to-moment experiences, the quality of our past decisions, mistakes we could have avoided, and what we should have done differently.  For some people, these voices are really mean and make a bad situation infinitely worse. Rather than empathize with our suffering, they criticize, disparage, and beat us down even more! The voices are often very salient, have a familiar ring to them and convey an emotional urgency that demands our attention. These voices are automatic, fear-based “rules for living” that act like inner bullies, keeping us stuck in the same old cycles and hampering our spontaneous enjoyment of life and our ability to live and love freely.

Jake comes home from third grade with an A on his math test. “You’re so smart,” says his dad, beaming with pride.

Chris missed hitting the ball every time it was thrown to him during his baseball game. “You’re a great baseball player,” his mom tells him encouragingly.

New studies show the praise these parents are giving may be doing more harm then good. We want so much to encourage our children that sometimes we just throw out praise unconsciously, lavishly and, even worse, undeservedly. We want our children to feel good about themselves; to believe that they can accomplish anything they put their minds to and to feel special.

A series of studies by Carol Dweck at Columbia University shows the negative effects of certain types of praise. In a study of fourth graders, Dweck gave a simple test to the students. When they finished they were given their scores and a single line of praise. Half were praised for their intelligence (“You must be smart at this”) and half were praised for their effort (“You must have worked really hard”). Then the students were given a choice between an easier and a more difficult puzzle for the second round. Of the children who were praised for their effort 90 percent chose the more difficult one whereas the majority of the children praised for intelligence chose the easy one forgoing the more challenging work.

In another study done by Dweck with fifth graders, the children were given a test designed for a much higher grade level and were expected to fail. The researchers found that students who had been praised for the effort assumed they simply hadn’t focused hard enough whereas the students praised for their intelligence assumed they weren’t really smart at all. When they were given a second round of tests the group praised for their effort improved by 30 percent and the group praised for intelligence actually did 20 percent worse than they had on the original test.

Dweck’s studies speak to the importance of parents focusing on process over outcome as well as the perils of praise. According to Dweck, “emphasizing effort gives a child a variable they can control.  They come to see themselves as in control of their success.” She believes that labeling a child “smart” doesn’t prevent her from underperforming it actually may create it. Children who are given the “smart” label become so concerned with keeping that image that they are not willing to take a risk or experience failure which is so important to learning.

Me, Me, Me!
There is rising concern from experts that all this unmerited praise is creating a generation of narcissists. A 2006 study that administered the Narcissistic Personality Inventory to more than 16,000 college students found that two-thirds had above average scores which is 30 percent higher than a similar sampling taken in 1982. When children who are accustomed to receiving praise and are rewarded constantly enter the work force they are in for a rude awakening. As a result they are likely to have trouble performing and ultimately keeping a job.

Praise That Helps
All this research doesn’t mean that we should stop praising our kids altogether. To go to the opposite extreme can be just as detrimental.  The key for parents is to give thoughtful praise which reflects awareness of your child’s accomplishments and efforts. I recommend parents endeavor to give their praise the following qualities:

1. Be specific.
2. Emphasize the effort, not the outcome.
3. Be genuine and believable.

Children need to have parents mirror positive yet accurate reflections of who they are. We owe it to our kids not to pay lip service to them by giving false compliments. Often parents resort to saying things they don’t believe to be true because they don’t want their child to feel bad; but an important part of developing resilience is coping with disappointment.

In the hopes of creating a smart child, many parents discount the importance of play. But play is crucial to developing minds. Studies show that play promotes problem solving, creativity, learning, attention span, language development, self-regulation, social skills, increases IQ and even helps children work through difficult life events. Play is the “work” of children.

Here are eight reasons parents need to fight for play in the schools and make sure their children have free play at home.

1. Play develops problem solving abilities. Researchers put a desirable toy in a clear box and told four and five year olds to get the toy out of the box without moving out of their chairs or leaning towards it. One group of kids was allowed to play with sticks and toys, while a second group was shown a solution to a problem but were not allowed to play and a third group did not get either opportunity. The children who were allowed to play did much better than either of the other two groups. They worked more eagerly and persistently and demonstrated better problem-solving abilities.
2. Children get to experiment with being in charge. Throughout their day kids are told what to do. During play children get to experience what it feels like to be in charge and gain a sense of mastery.
3. Play with other children helps social development. Play helps children learn important social skills like taking turns, collaboration, following rules, empathy, self-regulation, and impulse control.
4. Play helps children assimilate emotional experiences. Pretend play, in particular, helps children integrate emotional experiences they need to work through. It allows them to express the things that they may not be sophisticated enough to talk about with adults.
5. It improves concentration. Attention and concentration are learned skills. Play is one of the most natural enjoyable ways for a child to begin developing these skills. We have all seen a child so lost in play that they don’t even hear a parent calling her name. This focus is the same skill that one needs years later to write a term paper, listen to a lecture or perform a piano concerto.
6. Helps develop mathematical thinking. Because play teaches children about the relationships between things, it actually helps develop the type of reasoning that aids in mathematical performance. According to Professor Ranald Jerrell, an expert in development of mathematical thinking, “Experimental research on play shows a strong relationship between play, the growth of mathematical understanding, and improved mathematical performance.”
7. Play promotes language development. Play, especially dramatic play, requires children to use and be exposed to language. In a study of four-year-olds who frequently engaged in socio-dramatic play, researchers found that when compared to a non-socio-dramatic play group, these child exhibited an increase in the total number of words used, the length or their utterances, and the complexity of their speech.
8. The repetition of play creates neural pathways. Each time a child performs a play activity, like stacking blocks, the synapses between brain cells are activated and over time the level of chemical needed to make that connection becomes less and less, making it easier to perform the task.

In a rush to give our children academic and intellectual advantages, misguided schools and parents are pushing children to focus on reading, writing and testing. This, however, comes at the detriment of play which is so crucial to their development.

In a study of academic preschools and traditional play-focused preschools, researcher Kathy Hirsh-Pasek found that there were no differences in the intellectual skills of the children in either group.  She did, however, find that the children in the academic group were more anxious and less creative than the children in the other group.

Don’t Wait, Start Now!
When most parents think about teaching their children to give back, they tend to think about teens or even elementary school kids. But as Oprah Winfrey said recently, “You are never too young to make a big difference in somebody’s life.” Teaching very young children to give back can start as soon as they are verbal and can hold a crayon to paper.

By teaching this lesson to children as young as two or three years old, you help them develop the habit of giving and helping others therefore allowing this way of thinking and behaving to become more deeply ingrained. Once begun, this practice can carry on through childhood, through the notoriously narcissistic teen years and on through adulthood thus making a difference not only in the world but also in your home.

Helping Others Scrapbook
When my children were two years old, I started a “Helping Others” scrapbook with my daughters Quincy and Mendez. I have gone out of my way to find age appropriate opportunities for them to be charitable with their time, art work, hands, and even money. The scrapbook serves to memorialize these deeds thereby allowing them the opportunity to look back on all the kind things they have done to help others that they can feel good about. Also, this allows them to revisit these generous deeds as their developmental ability to understand what they have done increases.

Great Ways for 2-5 Year Olds to Give Back

These are some of the projects that we have done or will be doing. I invite you try some of these at home.

Make a card for a very ill child. Young children love making artwork and now their art can help make a sick child happy. My favorite website is www.MakeaChildSmile.com which features children with chronic or life-threatening illnesses. The site has profiles of children which include their ages, interests, and information about their family so your family can send cards to siblings and parents as well. Many of the families have websites where you can get updates about how their child is doing. The site also includes tips about writing letters to sick kids, for example, you never want to say “get better soon” to a terminally ill child.

Adopt an endangered animal. Let your child pick the list of 24 photographs of endangered animals on www.Defenders.org.  When you send in a donation in his or her name your child can receive a personalized certificate, photo of the animal, activity book, fact sheet, and plush toy of the animal they helped. This is a great opportunity to talk about being kind to animals and taking care of the environment.

Collect food for a food pantry. Most service kitchens don’t let children under the age of five serve food or help out in the kitchen but younger children can help collect goods to donate.  You can use a conversation with your children about people who are less fortunate as a segue to look through your kitchen cabinets or take a trip to the market together to find food to donate. If you contact a local food bank like www.LAFoodBank.org you can get a food collection barrel so you can have a food drive of your own.

Sponsor a child. There are many organizations that allow you to sponsor a child. My favorite is www.HalftheSky.org which provides nurturing programs to help prevent attachment disorders for children in orphanages all throughout China. When you and your child donate money you receive a certificate with a child’s photo, name, and date of birth in the mail along with periodic reports about the sponsored child’s progress.

Bring some baked goods to your local firefighters. This is a fun project to do with little ones who always love making things in the kitchen. It is also an opportunity to talk to your kids about people who help keep us safe and giving back to the community.  Just make sure you call your local fire station to make sure they are open to visitors.

Plant a tree. According to the organization www.TreesWaterPeople.org, ten trees are cut down for every one that is replanted. Because trees store carbon dioxide and produce oxygen, this endangers the health of people as well as the planet. Their website has a calculator that can help you figure out how many trees you use per year so you can plant accordingly or sponsor seedlings to be planted. But for a great hands-on experience with your kids, get a tree planting kit from Trees for the Future at www.TreeFTF.org or join the Arbor Day Foundation at www.ArborDay.org and get 10 free trees to plant that will grow well where you live.

Rescue a dog or cat. If you don’t have the ability to take in a rescued animal, make a donation to an animal rescue like the Lange Foundation at www.LangeFoundation.com.  Your child can pick a cat or a dog to rescue and, for a donation, your child will receive a photo of the dog or cat along with a story about the animal. The money will go to cover shelter, medical expenses and boarding. Hopefully, that donation will help find the animal a home, too.

Finding new service projects that are appropriate for very young children, is fun and challenging. Raising kids who know they can make a difference in the world is a tremendous gift for everyone.

When we’re in an emotional state, we can’t communicate or problem solve constructively – our feelings hijack us and block our capacity to focus. We need to find ways to reduce the anger so that we can begin to communicate again.

Learning to deal with our own anger is an essential skill for conflict resolution and for life.  First, it can help just to notice that you’re getting angry. What’s happening in my body? Is my breathing more rapid? Does my face flush? Is my voice rising or my heartbeat increasing? Then you can ask yourself, what is it that’s triggering my anger?

Next, see if you can lower the intensity of your feelings by breathing deeply, using “self talk,” such as repeating a key calming word or phrase, or taking a step away for a moment, or just simply pausing and waiting. Then try to communicate your anger in an “I” statement – using words that say what you feel, what is making you angry, and what you need.

It’s worth noting here that anger is often a secondary emotion – that is, it can arise as a response to other emotions such as fear, sadness, or insecurity – and it can be a challenge to go inward and try to find the underlying feeling or need.

Marshall Rosenberg, founder and educational director of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, explores anger deeply in his nonviolent communication (NVC) approach, set out in a body of work that may be very helpful for many parents. Rosenberg explains that often what triggers our anger is not its true cause; that is, it isn’t what people do that makes us angry but something in us that responds to what they do. He encourages us to try to go beyond what triggered our anger and become more conscious of the need that is at its root. His belief is that we get angry because our needs are not getting met, but that often we are not in touch with those needs and instead of recognizing them within ourselves we focus on what’s wrong with other people.

On the other side of the equation, what happens when we’re dealing with a child who is angry? First, if the child is acting aggressively, it’s vital before anything else to ensure the safety of everyone involved. Once you’ve made sure everyone is physically safe, try to listen attentively to the angry child while he or she expresses how he or she feels. Try to reflect back the essence of what you hear.

Sometimes this alone is enough, especially for a young child, to enable him or her to move beyond being upset. With younger kids anger often passes quickly, especially if they know they are being listened to and respected for how they feel.
For a child whose anger is not dissipating, suggest that they try one or two of the calming techniques mentioned above.

I believe that by helping kids develop inner life skills, we’re putting in their hands new tools that will help them manage all kinds of life situations.  And when there are conflicts, or kids are angry, we can call on these skills to help bring down tension and restore peace.

Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Ed.D., is a Professor of Education at Lesley University in Cambridge, MA where she has taught teachers for 30 years, and a research affiliate at Lesley’s Center for Children, Families, and Public Policy. She has co-authored four books and written numerous articles on media violence, conflict resolution, peaceable classrooms and global education. Nancy is a consultant for public television, and has worked on shows for Arthur, Postcards from Buster, Zoom and Fetch. Her latest work is a book for parents and all adults concerned about children today called Taking Back Childhood.

So here we are, one of those parenting moments where I get to either act worried and upset (“It’s already late–I’m too tired to fold this drama in to the end of a long day!”) or roll with it and handle the unexpected in a way that yet again shows my son a saner path to take when plans go awry.

We try and try–the car almost turns over and then announces (via electronics) that there’s a key prevent issue and to try again. Trying again does nothing, a jump start does nothing, a friendly guy who messes with fuses does nothing, and basically nothing does nothing. We sit. We call a towing company. We call friends who rally with advice and offers to come get us. We make jokes. We eat. Most importantly, we just roll with it and remember that life is good, even if we have to get towed and drive home and miss our trip.

It’s in these real-life moments that I most fully understand how it is our children learn about dealing with life’s inevitable challenges. All of us find it easy to espouse wise counsel when things are going well; it’s much harder when we get thrown a curve ball in real space and time. But the truth is, the way we handle the curve balls matters most. Because the truth is, we aren’t raising children; we’re raising adults.

I want my son to have a fantastic life. And as much as a good education and a wide repertoire of life and people skills are important, as I sat in the car for two and a half hours with my just turned eighteen-year old boy, I saw yet again that what may count the most is his ability to enjoy each moment of life, even when it doesn’t look the way he thought it was supposed to.

We sat, we snacked, we listened to music, and of course periodically tried to start the car, which continue to adamantly believe it should stay right there. Finally, the tow truck driver arrived. He squatted beside me as I sat in the driver’s seat to show him what the car was doing. I turned the key and…the car started!

Having discovered there was a Volvo dealer down the street from our destination, we hit the road, a little like Bonnie and Clyde—determined to drive straight through without turning off the car, with the wind in our hair and a new spring in our step (figuratively.) We had fantastic conversation in the wee hours of the night, listening to interesting things on the radio, playing each other music, talking, and being quietly alone with our thoughts. We had a blast, spurred by our gratitude that we could make the trip after all, and the newfound awareness of how cool that was—where just hours earlier we’d taken it all for granted.

Who knows the mysteries of these things. My left brain understands that it was an intermittent problem with the ignition antenna that Volvo fixed the next day. The rest of me believes it was a gift—a chance to have a little adventure with my son, and to yet again do my best to show him that it’s not the events outside of us that determine our happiness, but what we do with them.

We both agreed that this was one of the best trips we’d taken, and I think that had a lot to do with the two and a half hours in that gas station.

Another reminder to live like our kids are watching. Because they are.

Susan Stiffelman is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, credentialed teacher, learning specialist, and parenting coach with a private practice in Malibu, California. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected reflects her work with children and their parents for over thirty years. Susan frequently offers parenting advice in publications and interviews, having recently been quoted in the Boston Globe, Parents magazine, and The Wall Street Journal. Susan offers a free newsletter, The Passionate Parenting Minute, which is full of simple and practical ways to be your best parenting self. To subscribe, or for more information on Susan and her work, visit www.parentingwithoutpowerstruggles.com.

Over the years, I’ve gone to restaurants now and then with my grandsons Jackson and Miles.  Before we head out, I always stick some open-ended toy or material in my bag—a handful of legos or small blocks, a few sheets of paper and some markers, or a hunk of playdoh.  What I find really amazing is that once we’re seated and waiting for our food, the boys become deeply engrossed in these activities without fail.  They seem really happy and peaceful as they sit with their grandparents and create.  And we have some really nice conversations about what they’re making—buildings with lots of windows, or how you can draw really big muscles.  Have you ever tried to talk to a kid who’s on a GameBoy?  You can shout quite loud and still not be noticed.

Children learn the most when they are directly involved with hands-on activities and when they interact with people.  With open-ended materials like playdoh, building toys, and art materials, children can explore, problem solve, and make up stories and characters from their own imaginations; the possibilities are limitless. But when kids engage with the screen, their involvement is more repetitive; the activity doesn’t foster new and original ideas. With handheld games and screens, children don’t invent what they want to make or do; they play the games or watch the stories that someone else has created.

I think we parents have fallen into an all-too comfortable trap since we’ve had the electronic option.  It’s so easy to turn on the switch—bingo! The kids are occupied.  It becomes an easy habit for us—we quickly turn to electronics when the kids are bored, when they’re arguing, when we want them to be quiet.  We choose this option first instead of searching for other possible ways to engage them.  And this has dumbed down our parenting:  we no longer have to use our own ingenuity to find interesting alternatives for our children.  But I think it’s time we reclaim our parental creativity, time we look beyond screens to find better, fuller activities that can optimally engage our kids and help us be the fully involved parents children need us to be.

Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Ed.D., is a Professor of Education at Lesley University in Cambridge, MA where she has taught teachers for 30 years, and a research affiliate at Lesley’s Center for Children, Families, and Public Policy. She has co-authored four books and written numerous articles on media violence, conflict resolution, peaceable classrooms and global education. Nancy is a consultant for public television, and has worked on shows for Arthur, Postcards from Buster, Zoom and Fetch. Her latest work is a book for parents and all adults concerned about children today called Taking Back Childhood.

One evening when we were getting ready for a big family party, Antonio’s mom told him it was time to take a shower.  Antonio dove under my bed and would not come out.  He got himself into the center of the floor under the queen-sized bed where no one could reach him, and he kept saying, “I want to take a bath.” Antonio’s mom explained that there was no bathtub in the house we were staying in, just a shower.  Antonio refused to come out and kept repeating, “I want a bath.” We all coaxed and cajoled Antonio for quite some time.  I tried to put things in concrete, sequential terms to help him understand: “The party is starting, people are going to come to the door and we aren’t ready to open it.  First you need to take a shower and put clothes on.” After some time, Antonio emerged from under the bed and headed toward the shower with his understandably exasperated mom.

The next day, I looked for a chance to talk with Antonio alone.  I said to him, “Antonio, remember last night when you got under the bed and wouldn’t come out?” Antonio shook his head ‘yes.’ “I wanted you to come out, but you stayed under the bed.  That was really hard.” Antonio looked at me.  I was holding him gently on my lap. “The next time something like that happens,” I said, “when you want something and I want something and they are different, what can we do?”

Antonio thought for a moment.  “Just tell me again and I will try harder,” he said.  “Okay,” I said, “next time you’ll try a bit harder to do what I’m asking you to do?” “Yes,” he said.

The next time I have a problem with Antonio, I am going to say this: “Antonio, remember when you wouldn’t come out from under the bed and what we agreed on? You said next time you will try harder to listen to me.  Can you do that now?”

This is a good example to show the ingredients that make for solid social and emotional learning in kids.  We work step by step with children, helping them to build self-understanding, social skills, and positive relationships.  But it’s a long, slow process!  We talk with children about their behavior as I did with Antonio, reflect with them on what happened, and encourage them to get better at working things out.  We ask for their ideas and engage them in their own growth process.  We coach them and use our power not to coerce, but to instruct.

In this situation, we could have threatened Antonio while he was under the bed.  We could’ve said we’d take away his Power Ranger toy if he didn’t come out.  We could’ve drawn him out with the lure of candy or a present.  These tactics would probably have gotten Antonio out from under the bed quicker than our coaxing!  Bribes, threats and punishments often get us the response we want in the short-term, but what do they accomplish in the long run?  What is it we want Antonio to learn?  I know I want him to become a caring human being who treats other people with kindness and respect.  Even when no one is watching him; even when there is no one to give him a reward for doing it.  The more we control children from the outside, the less they develop their own internal morality.

So I have to work with Antonio, as his ally and coach, to help him build self-awareness and social skills within himself over time.  Each experience builds on the last when we work in this way, and over time children develop the social and emotional foundation that becomes part of their humanity.

Nancy Carlsson-Paige, Ed.D., is a Professor of Education at Lesley University in Cambridge, MA where she has taught teachers for 30 years, and a research affiliate at Lesley’s Center for Children, Families, and Public Policy. She has co-authored four books and written numerous articles on media violence, conflict resolution, peaceable classrooms and global education. Nancy is a consultant for public television, and has worked on shows for Arthur, Postcards from Buster, Zoom and Fetch. Her latest work is a book for parents and all adults concerned about children today called Taking Back Childhood.