I’ve always heard the “don’t spoil your kids” routine. They will turn out to be ungrateful brats who expect the world to fall at their feet. Is this necessarily true, maybe for some kids? It probably has more to do with the kid then anything.

On the Housewives of New Jersey (great junk entertainment!) one lady has three daughters in which she seems to “spoil” on the show. They go into a store and pretty much anything they want, she lays down the cash. Apparently she has gotten a lot of flack for indulging her children this way. Is she turning them into monsters or is she just setting them up for a certain desirable lifestyle?

My kids can tend to get a little out of hand in this department as well, especially my daughter. She’s the only girl and there’s just so much damn cute girly stuff. She’s also the only grand-daughter and she’s always getting new stuff more so from family than from me or her dad.

It’s spilled over into everyday life with shops to the store where she’s asking for everything and where if she doesn’t get it she will repeatedly ask or begin to pout. Most recent episode was when her dad and I took her to a show where she wanted a $15 spinning light wand. She has a brother that would have needed one too ($30 for an hour of entertainment, I think not). So rather than enjoying the show, she repeatedly brought up the same thing over and over. She even harped on it in the car after leaving. Even my “maybe one day” didn’t work. A few days later, I find something similar in Target and wala she will get her wish afterall, even if at a much lower price.

Most people agree that it’s not really about the life you choose, but the power you have in choosing it. There’s nothing worse than feeling that you are a situation that you are in, but wouldn’t have chosen it if there were other options available.

For years, people (especially women) have fought to simply have choices available, especially when it comes to parenting. And while we have gained opportunities in the working world, we have also given up some in the “motherworld”. Why is it that we have to either give up our paychecks and therefore freedom or give up part of being a mother?

Most women juggle by taking off the first few years for their careers. There are still women that are grateful for the choice, but still want to raise their own kid? I will bring up Housewives of New Jersey again (even though I know it’s junk entertainment, it still has value in depicting real life issues) where one woman is obviously struggling between her image as career/independent woman and her role as a mother and wife. Ultimately she does make the sacrifice, puts her career on hold and makes the decision to stay at home with her 13 year old daughter who needs a full-time mom. But how many women are lucky enough to be married to someone who can provide that kind of choice?

Why isn’t parenting seen more as a career and less of a personal or just a moral obligation? Is it too much to ask to be able to do what you love and still get paid for it? If you ask an entertainer or athlete, they will tell you no.

At this point, you have to depend on the government or another individual if you want to stay at home and raise your children. Where’s the choice in that? Isn’t it a shame that some parents would rather stay at home with their children and raise them to their fullest potential, but can’t. Why can’t there be some type of investment in a future fund that helps to support parents in their role? Why isn’t parenting recognized as the life changing and world impacting job that it is? Maybe some day it will be? But not until other parents start asking the same question.

I see new shows on television, most recently one called “parenthood” where obviously this huge job is beginning to be taken more seriously, even by the media. But obviously it’s still got a long way to go.

I see children that are full of rich potential and parents as well, that are drowned out due to lack of time, energy, finances and support. Parents and children are the world’s most valuable resources and just like the air we breathe, water we drink and earth we walk on, one day we shall see it as such.

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There’s a definite unfairness in the world when I see my boys playing (even though there’s a 6 year age gap) and my girl who tends to be often chucked to the side just because of her gender. It’s given her a greater sense of independence, but there’s always that silent sigh that leaves me a little saddened for her.

So unless you are in one of those tight nit communities, then your kid’s friendships are usually limited to school or extra-curricular activities. However, once that magical age hits (say around 10 or so), there are the questions of “can I spend the night” etc.? So as a parent, what are the guidelines? Like everything else, most of the time you end up just trying to go with your gut.

There are the obvious things like knowing the parents of your kid’s friend. But then there is the not so obvious like how much time to do you let them go off and “do their own thing”? You want your child to be happy and learn some independence, but you also don’t want your child necessarily spending too much time with someone else’s family either. There may also be the issue of one’s child spending too much with your own. Drawing these lines in the sand can be confusing as well as challenging at times.

Being the mean parent can be inevitable at times and this is probably one of them. While you can’t dictate family time after 18 years of age, you can dictate it before then. The best thing is to be prepared for the time to come before it does so you can think about what will work and what will not work for you and your children. Next is to carry out those guidelines in a consistent way through the years, especially the teenage ones. Part of this consists of doing the most you can to make family time an enjoyable experience and if your kid still whines and whimpers through it, then you at least you know you did your part. They have to understand that they are an important part of your family picture and without them, it wouldn’t be the same.

When at all possible, make your house the place your kids and their friends would want to hang out at but also make it clear when it’s time to go home. You want your child to develop their own identity as well as relationships out in the world, but you also want to keep your family unit in tact and to be the main source of that identity. Like most things parenting, this is a challenge.

Let’s face it, the average American couple doesn’t have 8 kids every day, but if they did, they wouldn’t be able to hang up their hats so quickly over troubled waters. You’ve got all kinds of factors that contributed to the speedy decision. I would say the largest ones being that they can financially do so with the help of stardom. Their kids will get the house and they will rotate in it, how marvellous I also can see how the fact that the whole world was watching would push the divorce button to just “make it all go away” so to speak.

Even the best of marriages and families would have a hard time at sustaining a certain image for many years on “reality” television. When you think about it, I can’t name one that hasn’t been tarnished in some way. It’s probably amazing they lasted as long as they did.

So what’s the show going to be called now? Kate Plus Eight and Jon Sometimes? Of course it’s not funny, but it’s “reality”. In their last interviews I saw , only a few things stood out that were really important. One that Kate had no problem wiping herself off and “steering the ship” by herself. I think she did much of the steering before. Maybe that’s why Jon is so angry Kate? Especially after the whole world has pointed it out to him? He says he has communication problems. No, I think he’s communicated his anger quite clearly, but in a hurtful way. He says, I’m only 31. In translation this means, I am still attractive enough to get attention and get laid.

These people asked for this, but they didn’t. After having 8 children and barely being able to physically survive, who would really say no to reality television? There are child labor laws being brought to the table. If they didn’t have the show, do you really think they would have dogs, crooked playhouses and the great life they’ve been able to acquire (minus the media attention)? They have struggled and managed to survive a long time under the spotlight but forever is a foreign concept these days and in Hollywood it’s almost non-existent.

I’m still amazed by one little fact though, eight kids yet no counseling? I’m not sure there’s anything too “realistic” about that.

At the same time that his music and talent seemed to be such a great blessing, it robbed him of a childhood and seemed to torment his spirit and life.

So what do I think of when I think about the pop legend? I think first about the fact that his Thriller album was the only record that we had in the daycare I attended at the age of 8 years old. I can remember plugging in these huge headphones and sitting there for hours just listening to the beats over and over. I remember some of his following cd’s and while I continued to listen throughout the years, nothing ever captivated like the Thriller album.

There are very few albums that are timeless or that you can introduce your kids to, but that is one of them. Thriller comes on every Halloween.

So after the music is the life. There is the drama with his family, relationships and physical alterations. There were the accusations of child molestation and over the top spending which added to the financial legal woes. As I sat watching a 60 minutes episode where they interviewed him about the molestation allegations during the time of media phrases like “wacko jacko” and “jesus juice”, I’m reminded of the opinion that I formed about it all way back then.

I listened to him talk and his mouse like effort in defending himself and concluded the allegations were false. What was he guilty of? To me it was pretty apparent that he was guilty of never being able to let go of the childhood he felt he missed out on. He never got over it and he never was able to appreciate the childhood he did have with the good and the bad. He was raised in a strict Jehovah Witness home and you can tell that from his upbringing his beliefs would’ve strayed from mainstream regardless his experience as a pop star.

So what happened when people could not understand his need to live his childhood as an adult? It got ugly, really ugly. He was one of those naive, wanting to believe the best in people, people. He had a childlike mind, and he could afford to have it. He could live every day at the Neverland Ranch and keep friends with the same mental state which did happen to be young boys. As far as the sex part of it, I believe he was almost one of those A-sexual people who was brought up associating sex as a nasty, sinful thing and therefore had a dysfunctional relationship with it. However it didn’t mean that he took advantage of his “friends” sexually.

Like most people, I pity his soul while it was here on earth because it definitely seems as if it was a wounded one. But out of that great despair came something even greater which was his music and his story that will live on forever.

Oh, I’m sure there are tons of nay sayers and retards out there that feel this show was a horrible idea. I’m sure they think that a show like this somehow promotes teenage pregnancy or says that it’s okay to have children before you have barely learned your own ABC’s.

In actuality it’s probably one of the most needed shows on television for young audiences. Unfortunately so many of the teens that find themselves in this position are delusional. They have no real concept of the reality of sex, it’s consequences and the havoc that it can reek on not only their lives but their parents as well.

The episode I saw showed the poor girl trying to go to school and take care of the child in between homework and lectures to the “father” about doing his share. You can tell that adding a baby to their equation took their life from not so great to worse in a matter of weeks. The only way someone could watch that and choose to still have a child is if they would think their experience would somehow be different. I guess hormones and “love” can do that to a poor young soul?

As an adult with children already, I find it educational to watch what goes on in the aftermath of a child having a child. I find it fascinating to watch the parents reactions and think of my own. It seems most of the teens that end up having a child while they are still living at home, have parents that somehow lead them to believe that it’s okay to do so and they will help take care of the child as well. And while this may seem to be the most caring and compassionate stance, for the life of me I can’t understand why they would? Do they just want more children in the house or another child themselves?

I had a friend in high school who had a baby and her mother told her that she would help her with the child. Ultimately she was the one who ended up raising him for the most part and her daughter ended up spending most of her time hearing about it.

Hey, as the adult, you ultimately call the shots in your home. And while you are legally responsible til they are 18, you are not after that. How many children would choose to have a child if they really knew they would be the ones fully responsible, whether in one year or three? My guess is not so many. No one is knowledgeable in these areas until they either experience it or see for themselves what that life choice is all about. Maybe this show is a little bit of a start?

I can personally say that out of my very few close friends, three of them are in their 30’s and still child-free. When you talk to them about it, all of them make references to wanting to be mothers but simply aren’t at a comfortable place for themselves to have a child or they haven’t found someone that they want to have children with. One friend says that her and her guy had the discussion and it came to the “who wants to bring a child into this world” philosophy.

When you really stop and think about it, there’s absolutely nothing logical about having children. If you are an adult making a conscious decision to get pregnant, there’s probably some sort of lapse in judgment that is caused by emotions and the heart.

There aren’t the same pressures by society to have children. If anything, now it’s to have less of them. “Save the planet, have less kids!”. Being a mother, I’m not offended, I actually agree. Sometimes I’m glad I had the choice to have children, at other times I wish I wouldn’t have.

My experience has been written and I am at peace with it, however even though I would love to have a grandchild or two (one or two at the most, BTW! I would love even more for my children to be at peace with their lives without having children. Or if they did, it was made through the decision to adopt one that was already here and needed parents. That’s probably the only responsible way to parent unless you were blessed with excellent DNA and flawless parenting qualities.

There’s no doubt that the face of parents in our generation is changing. Sure, there are still the “sixteen and pregnant’s” (which I will do my next post on) but there are more and more people who are using their heads as much as they are their hearts when it comes to this life and planet changing decision.

I hear the parents that view telling the realities of parenting is complaining. And while none of us want to feel like we are whiners who complain about the great joys we have been blessed with or to seem as if we are somehow ungrateful, there’s something therapeutic about being able to acknowledge your feelings.

You start out with the line of “I couldn’t imagine my life without them”, which of course I couldn’t and why would you at this point? However, let’s break down a typical weekend with children and see what conclusions are drawn.

Friday evening the weekend begins by picking up the youngest two at daycare. Sometimes they are happy to see you, sometimes not so happy. If it is the not so happy time they may ignore you as if you are some perverse stranger they have never seen before. If they do acknowledge you on a happy to see you day, they may begin to ask you for things like gum or a new bike. Yes their desires can vary from minor to major.

Then there is a trip to the grocery store. We must get the car buggy or there will be major breakdown. Doesn’t matter if you must run, steal or deal with a soak and wet one, you must get the race car buggy. If all goes well in the store, there will be nothing broken or heads turned in the direction of high pitch screaming or pinches or jabs exchanged from two kids being trapped too closely in the buggy.

Then there is an hour to pick up the oldest. While he can be very helpful with the younger ones, he can also add to the chaos and easily make it worse. Informing can quickly become tattle tailing at it’s worst and with boys there can be borderline abuse towards the youngest without constant reminding of how little he is in comparison.

Saturday comes and one of my joys is sleeping in. There’s always one particular early riser in my house, however he has never found himself in trouble by himself other than some scattered cereal or crumbs from his morning hunger. I get to usually sleep til 8:30am which is heaven sent compared to my usual 6am risings. No complaints there with my kids now that they are older!

But once the day starts, it starts. There is the cooking, cleaning, laundry that begins and doesn’t end until Sunday evening. There is the instructing, the breaking up fights, the “don’t talk backs”, the searching for things that are lost, the locating outfits, the bathing, the preparation of activities and things to do.

In the summer we are good because it’s pool time, and minus of the worrying over snacks and foods (who gets what and when) it’s not too hellacious. They usually don’t want to leave which can be a struggle and there are the possible exhaustion tantrums (usually not coming from me) but it is well worth a day of them being occupied.

Then it’s back to the house for more meal preparation and dishes to clean up. Gotta get the chlorine out of that hair, so more baths. Maybe we can relax just long enough to watch a family movie. There’s usually at least one spilled drink and popcorn along with a “guys sit down, watch the movie and stop the pillow fighting”.

Finally by 10pm I’m so tired that when my head hits the pillow, an earthquake couldn’t wake me. That is until 2am whimpering comes from the bedroom after someone has peed in the bed. The same guilty party has a habit of eating too much and vomiting, especially when he’s chosen to sleep with his older brother. There’s nothing like mopping up urine or vomit, giving more baths and doing laundry at 2am.

Sunday is the same but usually not as tiring because I try and make it a point to stay put. No worrying over fixing hair, picking out outfits or taking two hours to get in the car. There’s still of course still the usual messes to clean up and “gentle” reminders of “stop that!” throughout the day.

And while I will end this with some of the same sweet parent talk that is constantly around us that speaks of the joy of hearing their laughter, the fascination you experience as you watch them grow and the warm fuzzies that you get as they cling to your every word and leg for that matter, I will still say that parenting is the hardest yet most invisible job going and anyone that doesn’t speak the truth about it is in denial or at the least doing it an injustice.

At first glance, I have no clue as to what they are talking about. But now that I’m thinking about it, I wonder if it has to do with her kids being on the show? Ding ding, I’ve scored a point huh? I didn’t take time to pick it up and do my own further investigation, so I’m still not sure even still at this point though. If that’s the case then is this the first time they’ve ever looked at parents who put their children in the limelight?

It brings up an interesting topic. Were Jon and Kate wrong for allowing camera’s into their homes with such small children? Were they looking for a way out of all the chaos, yet rather just created more of it? I can’t imagine what all of this means for not only them but for their children as well. Will they ever live all of this down? Will it ever end as long as they are still making shows? Did they unknowingly ask for all of this? They couldn’t have possibly suspected that it could turn so ugly, so quick.

And what is behind the whole “mean mom” theory? I could tell you from the first time watching the show that she wasn’t the most kindest and loving person, therefore mother on the planet. Wasn’t that part of the appeal? I get the “mean” spill from my own children all of the time. Especially when I won’t give them whatever it is they are asking for at the time. I probably pride myself off of this fact, but if I were on television it seems I’d probably be destroyed as well.

Looks like the media train has taken them on like they did Brittney Spears. It’s everywhere and it’s been for months and is unlikely to go away anytime soon. The obsession has went from mild to hot and it looks like there are more and more judgments that will need to be made for these parents who allowed the world into their home.

How did this all start again? Oh yes, our fascination with a woman who was able and crazy enough to have so many children. And for those who didn’t find that entertaining enough, we turn it into a real life soap opera. As they say, the media monster only builds you up in order to tear you down. I just hope that Kate is “mean” enough to protect and keep her family grounded through it all.

First is that I’ve had a bit of trouble out of my current fifth grader. In fifth grade the material begins to be more challenging, plus you have the hormones kicking in which doesn’t help with the talking in class, not listening and being a little rebellious. So when it has came to grades this year, my A&B student dropped to a C. But since he’s not ever had any issues in the past with EOG’s, I didn’t think too much about it until a friend of mine called and said her fifth grader didn’t pass.

So when mine said he didn’t pass, I was not happy but I wasn’t totally hit out of the blue. He took 3 tests…science, reading and math. He failed his reading and his science. Why he’s failed his reading I have no clue because the last book he was reading was one of the latest Harry Potter which looks like it took a huge oak tree to make.

While they were in school, they were only given the results on the science. I asked how many kids failed out of the 19 in his class and he said 7 which would be about 35% of the class. That was only on one out of the three tests so when you think about it, there was probably at least 50% that failed at least one test when you look at all three.

What does this mean? This means study, tutor, study for the next week or so until re-testing. What does it mean for those who fail one test by one point again? It means they must repeat the 5th grade.

In the past there has been summer school which according to radio announcements and my kids school office, will no longer be an option this year in NC. So when they were thinking about cutting this small feature out of the budget, were they really thinking about the results? Cutting out summer school may cut costs now, but what about the ones in the future? If there are a much larger population of students that end up repeating grades due to end of year testing, won’t this simply mean more tax paying dollars spent on educating these same kids for multiple years? Keep in mind, some of these same kids make good grades all year, yet can fail a test by a point and be held back for an entire year…talk about pressure.

I’ve never quite agreed with the testing systems that are in place in the first place. However without a safety net for the kids that don’t test well or need a few extra weeks of learning time, I think the consequences are going to be much greater than what was ever considered.