Ron Huxley's ParentingToolbox

Do you have a "Problem Child?"

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 06:44:00 -0800

Jill remembers the very first time Ben got called to the principal's office. The kindergarteners were standing in line waiting for the bus home when Ben pushed a classmate to the ground. Then he encouraged a few of the other kids to start kicking. The boy wasn't down for long before a teacher, who had witnessed the whole thing, came over to intervene. Ben, the teacher later told Jill, seemed to think it was funny. Jill was horrified.
Ben and his collaborators were sentenced to five hours each of community service around the school during recess: cleaning dry erase boards, packing up balls in the gym. At home, Jill talked to Ben about what it means to act appropriately at school and to be kind to others, and continued to talk to him in the months following. He was a smart boy; he understood, she thought. After all, at home, he was generally well behaved.
And yet, three years later, Ben remains the undisputed class troublemaker. Teachers almost seem to assume that he'll act out. Often, Jill suspects, this is precisely the reason he does. He knows what's expected of him.
During the elementary school years, boys tend to misbehave more than girls, though girls catch up later during adolescence, in other ways. We used to say that boys were more "active," as if to excuse, or at least explain, misbehavior. But the truth is that the line between "active" and "disruptive" is thin, kids aren't particularly skilled at walking it, and disruptive is a problem. Parents of kids like Ben know that once a boy has been labeled a troublemaker at school, it can be very difficult for him to shake the label. Often, that's because he becomes the label; he, like Ben, lives up to the expectations other have laid out for him.
It's not easy for parents to admit their son is the one causing trouble, and can be even harder to reconcile when the child is well behaved at home. It's a natural impulse to defend kids, especially when you didn't actually see what happened, and want to help them argue their way out of trouble -- whether that's after-school detention or a speeding ticket. It's also natural for parents to want to intervene when their troublemaker finds himself an outcast among friends, as many often do. "Many of the boys stopped wanting to play with Ben at recess because it often meant they'd get into trouble, too," remembers Jill. "It was heartbreaking, but in a way I couldn't really blame them. It wasn't untrue."
If your child is the troublemaker, it's important to help set him straight sooner rather than later -- ideally before he gets labeled and before he finds himself losing friends. A few ideas to keep in mind:
Practice tough love (on yourself, too). Be honest with yourself about your son's behavior. Your job is to be his champion, but not his defender when he's behaved inappropriately. If he's the class clown, even if he's not "hurting anyone," you need to acknowledge that, and respect the consequences. Learning to develop the skills needed to be part of a group is a critical part of growing up, and something your son needs to learn. Maybe even the hard way.
Cooperate. The best results come when parents can work with, and not against, teachers. When you argue with the school, his coach, or the staff at the daycare, you're letting your son off the hook. You can support him without letting him avoid the consequences of his actions. The more you help him skirt the issue, the less likely he is to change. And if you do disagree with the way a teacher is handling your child, never discuss it in front of him. That will only further undermine her authority in his eyes. Take your concern directly to the teacher, way out of earshot of your son.
Be specific. When your son acts out at home or in school, don't just tell him what he did wrong. Have him tell you -- and then talk together about why that behavior was unacceptable. Teach him strategies to act better. One way to do this is to present specific scenarios. Set up micro-scenes and have him act out responses: What to do when he's bored in class, angry with a friend, feeling the urge to tell a joke during quiet time. Then remind him of all his positive qualities and point out when he does something right, like helping a friend or making his bed without being asked. Being labeled a troublemaker can be difficult on a child's self-esteem, so remember to give it a gentle boost now and again. If he thinks he only does wrong, he'll continue to do wrong.
Let things go... If your son is losing friends because of his behavior, don't try to intervene, no matter how difficult it is to watch. Children have the right to decide if they're not comfortable playing with other children. Respect their decision and know that it will be a learning tool for your son, then talk to him about why his friends may be turning away. Learning how to get along with others is an important part of becoming independent, and while you can help him understand what it means to be a good friend, you can't force other children to overlook your son's problematic behavior. In fact, the less you help, the quicker he'll figure it out himself.
... But don't give up. If the pattern continues or gets worse, you may want to consider enlisting the help of your pediatrician or a counselor. Some kids have trouble adjusting to change, at school or at home. But if his behavior has been consistent over months or even years, something may be bothering him that he's unable to articulate.

via psychologytoday.com

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The 7 Truths About Motherhood

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 09:31:00 -0800

1. Mothers will compete with you. At some point in motherhood during a playgroup for your child, potluck, playdate or on the playground, you will learn that other moms are evaluating how you parent, the type of snacks that you pack for your children, whether or not you are a good enough mother because of the tantrums your child has or the types of activities that you expose your child to, like music lessons. Over the years, I have chosen to create my community with mothers that do not have something to prove by pointing out what I should or should not be doing.

2. Setting boundaries is essential to having any chance at personal peace. I've learned that the word "no" is my best friend, and my comfort level with speaking it has prevented me from overcommitting at PTA events and other activities. This two-letter word has also allowed my children and spouse to understand that I don't have additional hours in my day to do more than my share. I've realized that the clearer I am about what makes my household and life move smoother, the better I am at asking for what I need.

3. Motherhood is stressful and beautiful. At many points on this journey you will experience stress trying to do it all -- when "all" was never expected to begin with. One of the ways that I've practiced reducing my stress is to repeat daily that "less is more." When I have less stuff that I am committed too and fewer things to fill every corner of my home, I find it easier to live and see the beauty that is around me.

4. Your car will be messy. As much as I would like to say that my minivan, affectionately known as the "Mom-Me Porsche," is always spotless, it isn't. Well, maybe it is spotless for the few hours after a car wash before I pick up the children and their friends, but it doesn't stay that way for long. We live in our car and it has every type of sporting equipment, backup outfits, a first aid kit and snacks just in case mom realizes that someone forgot the "whatever."

5. If you're married, you must date your spouse without your children. My husband and I try to date one another every other week at least. We might meet for lunch or go out for dinner. Sometimes, we visit our favorite bookstore and just have coffee and make time to talk without interruption. Occasionally, we arrange to do something more interesting that requires us to dress up and impress one another. We truly cherish our time together.

6. At times you will question if you are making the right choices for your children. It happens to us all with every child and at every stage of motherhood. It might begin with a simple decision that you made during your child's routine doctor appointment or whether or not to choose a particular school or teacher, or to switch a child's class. It could even be a decision that you made to allow your children to watch certain television programs, or to view the latest blockbuster movie, and the list goes on and on. I have learned over the years that if 80 percent of my decisions are great and 20 percent of them are fair-to- average, then my children will fare well in their lives. I also frequently remind myself that perfection is never the goal and that striving for it will drive me insane. Really.

7. Taking care of yourself is the best gift that you can give your family. Never feel guilty for making time for yourself, because your self-care will make you a better mother. Women struggle tremendously with finding time for themselves as mothers and justifying time away from their families. There's a reason that flight attendants tell passengers to secure their own oxygen mask first and then the masks of children traveling with them. After all, how can you take care of those around you if are unconscious? Being your best will allow you to give your best to everyone in your family.

Books by this author

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This Blogger's Books from

Time for mom-Me: 5 Essential Strategies for A Mother's Self-Care
by Mia Renee Redrick

Time for Mom-Me: 365 Daily Strategies for A Mother's Self-care
by Mia Redrick

via huffingtonpost.com

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A Child's View of Sensory Processing

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 15:34:00 -0800

via youtube.com

An excellent resource for both children and parents!

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17 Parenting Lessons From 'Downton Abbey'

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 07:18:00 -0800

Like so much of the nation, we are caught in "Downton Abbey's" thrall. Sunday evenings have been transformed from the dreaded night when preparation for the following week begins to Downton Night, a blissful evening of mindless, Edwardian fun. But is it mindless? Layered into Julian Fellowes' crackling dialogue are some of the best parenting lessons of the last 90 years. Looking on from our American 21st-century vantage point we feel that Lord and Lady Grantham and their brood have taught us a few things. [Watch out -- spoilers below!]

1. Grandparents have a crucial role to play in any family as dispensers of wisdom and healers of souls. No one can put a situation into perspective better than someone who has seen seven decades pass. In times of pain and panic, it is the Dowager who is needed most.

2. If we do not change with the times and listen to those much younger than ourselves -- our children in particular, even when they seem callow and naive -- we will soon become obsolete. The world is spinning on and we must listen to the young or risk forever being a prisoner of 1923 or 2013. Even without a sneak peak of Episode Six, it is clear that Robert better start listening to Matthew.

3. We mustn't wait until caught in the grips of grieving to tell our siblings how much they mean to us. The sibling relationship is life's longest, and we would be fools take it for granted.

4. A home is truly only a building, even if it is Downton Abbey. Losing it or any other possessions matters little compared to losing those we love. We did not shed a tear when we thought the family would lose their beloved Downton; the same cannot be said of Sybil's passing.

5. If our child finds true love (or friendship), whether or not the object of that love is someone we would have selected, we must rejoice for them. A seeming gentleman might jilt our daughter at the altar, but a good man will love her until her last breath. One need only look at the sad episode of Edith and Anthony versus the true love shared by Sybil and Tom.

6. Our children need and deserve our understanding and forgiveness -- true forgiveness, even when they have done wrong. We love them and that love must transcend their mistakes. Mary's painful transgression with Kemal Pamuk did not deprive her of her father's love.

7. Never underestimate the power of a well-chosen few words. Speaking softly but strongly can have amazing results. The Dowager and Dr. Clarkson chose their words judiciously so that even though Cora's heart was breaking, she was not alone.

8. People can reinvent themselves -- just give them a chance to prove that they've changed, and avoid being judgmental and closed-minded, as the family was with Ethel.

9. When our deepest gut feeling tells us that there is something wrong with our child, even when experts may not agree, we need to follow our gut. Watching our child for a lifetime, through all of its up and downs, makes us an expert. No one knew Sybil better than her own mother.

10. Turning on those we love at life's worst moments -- although perhaps understandable in our rage -- will only magnify our grief. True consolation and understanding come from those we love the most, as Robert and Cora learn.

11. If someone truly cares for us, we should give them the chance to show how much. It is amazing what good things happen when we let love into our lives, as Daisy did with Mr. Mason.

12. When things are difficult, it helps to have someone to talk to honestly. True friendships are one of life's greatest gifts. We must not keep our problems bottled up inside. Where would Mrs. Hughes be without the loyal Mrs. Patmore?

13. We should teach our children to have faith in the people they love, even at the worst of times, like Anna and Mr. Bates.

14. If we have different rules and standards for our sons and daughters, things will not go well. If Mary could have inherited Downton Abbey, the show might have ended after the first season.

15. We must teach our children to be careful with their trust and alliances. Some who appear to be their friends will betray them. It is hard to know if someone is an O'Brien or a Thomas.

16. The loyalty and love of our children is one of life's greatest blessings, never to be taken lightly. Mary's loyalty to her father, when he is right and even when he is wrong, is a source of comfort and strength.

17. We don't need to like or even approve of everything our children do, but we can still offer encouragement. When our children's passions emerge and they show real enterprise, they need us as their supporters. It is hard not to imagine that someday Robert will be proud of a daughter who is a successful journalist.

via huffingtonpost.com

This is actually some good advice, LOL.

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Helping a Worrier Become a Warrior

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 07:29:00 -0800

Is your child a warrior, or a worrier?
That cute — and memorable — phrasing comes from “Why Can Some Kids Handle Pressure While Others Fall Apart?” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman (famous for “Nurture Shock” and now the authors of “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing”) in The Times Magazine. It’s shorthand for a problem most of us are familiar with: some people seem born to take tests or compete. For others, the whisper of pressure can trigger the seeming disappearance of everything we ever learned.
In their magazine piece, the authors look at what lies under that difference: “how we were raised, our skills and experience, the hormones that we marinated in as fetuses.”
But while understanding the causes may help promote eventual changes in standardized testing, there’s no way to entirely avoid the need to perform under pressure — and no way to avoid it on behalf of our children.
For the parents of worriers, one question hovers over the topic: how can we help our children learn to both perform better, and feel that stress just a little less? I asked the magazine piece’s authors to help me pull out what they learned in researching their article, and to share some other ideas and background that might help.
Embrace the anxiety. Students who read a statement declaring that recent research suggests “people who feel anxious during a test might actually do better” did, in fact, do better on tests, in the lab and outside.
Find competition that’s fun. Spelling bees, chess teams, sports, science fairs: when the pressure is predictable and comes with friends and excitement, even worriers build up their tolerance for the stress that doesn’t include those benefits (like the SAT exams). These competitions “give kids the chance to make that connection between feeling a little anxious and performing at their best,” Mr. Bronson said.
Emphasize success. Even when competition is fun, getting through it is a victory for a “worrier.” Help your child focus on the ebbs and flows of the competitive anxiety, and then remind him to celebrate the accomplishment — and think back to it the next time that anxiety rears its head. Parents comfort children when they feel insecure, but we also need to foster exploratory behavior. “By destabilizing children, pushing them, we help children be brave in unfamiliar situations, stand up for themselves, and learn to take risks.”
Watch for when “stress” turns into “distress.” For many children, short-term stress can be energizing. But when it goes beyond the short term into a larger problem, “parents need to try to find the triggers that change test taking from a challenge state to a threat state.” The child who lost sleep for a month over standardized testing (described in the article) had heard from teachers that school funding and teacher pay is partly tied to these tests now, so he felt an enormous burden to score super high on the standardized tests, to help buoy the school’s averages.
Change the story. “Right now, the story is that college spots are really hard to get,” Mr. Bronson wrote in an e-mail. “Cary Roseth, assistant professor of education at Michigan State University, classifies the race to college as a ‘scramble competition,’ like a huge game of musical chairs – except with too few chairs. This is somewhat of an illusion. Every year, U.C.L.A. runs a national survey of incoming college freshmen; last year, they collected data from over 204,000 frosh who attend 270 different bachelor’s colleges. 83 percent of them were attending their first or second choice college. U.C.L.A., all by itself, admitted almost 16,000 applicants. Over 10,000 of them turned U.C.L.A. down. Nationally, 59 percent of all admittances are turned down by the students. So who is rejecting who here? Maybe we all need to hold our tongues when we’re tempted to scare the kids, ‘You know, you have to study harder if you want to get into a U.C.’ And maybe when we say, reassuringly, ‘There’s a good college for everyone,’ we have to convince ourselves first.”
Follow KJ Dell’Antonia on Twitter at @KJDellAntonia or find her on Facebook and Google+.

via parenting.blogs.nytimes.com

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David Sack, M.D.: How to Talk to a Child About a Parent's Addiction

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 07:00:00 -0800

"Dad's an addict." "Mom's going to rehab." These are not easy conversations to have with a child, even one that has long been aware that there's a problem.

More than 28 million Americans are children of alcoholics, yet addiction isn't being talked about in most homes. Instead, children grow up facing a lifetime of issues other kids don't have to manage. They tend to have more emotional, behavioral and academic problems than other kids, and are four times more likely to become addicts themselves. They are also at greater risk of abuse and neglect, witnessing domestic violence, and marrying an addict later in life.

As children learn to fend for themselves to survive, unpredictability and chaos become the norm in addicted homes. Lack of consistent discipline can produce deficits in self-control and personal responsibility, or conversely, over-control or hyper-vigilance. Children may even feel that their parent's drug problem -- and the subsequent breakup of the family or removal of the child from the home that sometimes ensues -- is their fault.

Their emotions run a confusing gamut. At once resentful of and loyal to their addicted parent, children are reluctant to open up and share long-held family secrets, even if they desperately want the support. They may have a strong self-preservation instinct, but at the same time, they're not sure if they deserve to take care of their own needs when their parent is spiraling out of control. The conflicting feelings continue as children get a glimmer of hope when their parent promises to quit even though they've been disappointed repeatedly.

In this impossible situation, what can parents, caretakers or other adults say to their children? How do they explain the wreckage of addiction to someone who, at a young age, has already been overexposed to some of the darkest potentialities of life?

Time the Conversation. A conversation about a parent's addiction is best had when there are no distractions and the situation is relatively calm. If possible, bring it up when there is a plan in place to get help for the addicted parent. Explain that there's a problem and you're taking steps to improve the situation. Talk about what will change (e.g., Mom or Dad will go to rehab, or one parent may move out if separating or divorcing). Repeat the conversation as often as needed so that the child feels comfortable having an ongoing dialogue.

Keep It Age-Appropriate. The language you use and the level of detail you provide depend on the age and maturity of the child. Break the issues down as simply and directly as possible, and finish with a message of hope.

Tell the Truth. Although you'll need to use different terms depending on the age of the child, you should always be honest about the problem. Children have an innate ability to read when adults are lying. Explain that addiction is a disease caused by a number of factors, including genetics, environment and past trauma. Similar to people with diabetes and heart disease, their parent is sick and needs treatment to feel better.

Get Educated. Educate yourself about the disease of addiction so you are in a position to answer any questions the child may have. If you don't know the answer, work on finding one together.

Acknowledge the Impact. Rather than skirt around the impact a parent's addiction has had, validate the child's experience. Apologize for the pain inflicted on the child and ask open-ended questions about how they've been feeling.

Release the Shame. One of the most important things for children to understand is that addiction is not their fault. They didn't cause their parent to abuse drugs or alcohol and they cannot cure or control it. This can be hard for children to understand, especially if the addicted parent blamed their drug abuse on a child's behavior (e.g., "I wouldn't need to drink if you'd do your chores."). Children need help to understand that what the addict says and does under the influence isn't really who they are or how they feel. Addiction hijacks the brain and just as the child is powerless to stop it, the parent is out of control as well.

Put Things Into Perspective. Children from addicted homes tend to idealize other families without realizing they have struggles of their own. Help them understand that they are not alone; in fact, millions of children are in the same situation. They are normal kids thrust into an unhealthy home environment who are doing their best to cope with an extremely stressful situation.

Invite Dialogue. After being disconnected from themselves and others, it may take practice for the child of an addict to be able to identify and process their emotions. To combat the secretiveness, fear and loneliness addiction brings, encourage them to talk about their feelings without criticism or judgment.

Teach the Seven Cs. According to the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, children need to know the "Seven Cs of Addiction":

I didn't Cause it.

I can't Cure it.

I can't Control it.

I can Care for myself

By Communicating my feelings,

Making healthy Choices, and

By Celebrating myself.

Find Additional Sources of Support. Just as the addicted parent needs treatment and support to get well, children need to know there are resources available to help them process their emotions. If they don't feel comfortable talking with a parent or relative, they can reach out to a teacher, counselor, child or family therapist, religious leader or support group such as Alateen.

The toughest topics are often the most important to broach with children. For each day that a child lives with an addict, damage is being done. And while not every child will fall prey to addiction or other emotional or behavioral disorders, they need honest discussion and support in order to beat the odds.

David Sack, M.D., is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry and addiction medicine. He is CEO of Elements Behavioral Health, a network of mental health and addiction treatment centers that includes the Promises Malibu rehab centers, The Ranch, Right Step, and Spirit Lodge.

For more by David Sack, M.D., click here.

For more on addiction and recovery, click here.

via huffingtonpost.com

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Forcing children to clear their plates could lead to eating disorders

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 10:21:00 -0800

Forcing children to clear their plates could lead to eating disorders

by DANIEL MARTIN

Parents who force fussy toddlers to clear their plates could make them more likely to grow up suffering from anorexia, bulimia or obesity.

A study suggests that meal-time battles between pushy parents and picky children could be linked to a range of eating disorders later in life.

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Making children eat what they do not want to makes them resentful of not being in control of their eating habits, the research claims.

It also means they do not learn to properly regulate their eating - making them more likely to over- or under-eat when they grow up.

Research leader Dr Linda Gilmore. said: "Parents should not turn mealtime into a struggle for control because some evidence suggests that eating disorders such as anorexia stem from a desire to take control over one's own body.

"If children are forced to 'sit at the table until they eat it' this turns into a struggle for who has power over the child's eating habits which could well set the scene for later eating problems."

Dr Gilmore said the dinner-table power struggle could also lead to obesity because that condition is related to the inability to self-regulate.

"If children aren't allowed some control over what they eat, they cannot learn to develop good self-regulation," he said. "Ultimately children must learn to manage their own behaviour and to do that, they must be allowed to choose."

She said many parents were harsh on "fussy" eaters because they thought the problem was much less common that it was.

"Some parents take their child's refusal to eat food they have prepared as personal rejection or think the child is just being really naughty," she said.

"But my research suggests that eating difficulties are relatively common in early childhood. Some children simply don't like the taste or the texture, even the colour of certain foods.

"Likes and dislikes may change from week to week but it's important to recognise this is fairly normal behaviour and not to turn it into a really big problem that interferes with the parent-child relationship."

Dr Gilmore, a psychologist at Queensland University of Technology, combined her research on 304 families with children aged two to four, with another study of children aged seven to nine.

She said parents had fewer children in modern times, meaning parents knew more about the details of the child's behaviour, "sometimes to the point of worrying obsessively and responding in ways that escalate a small difficulty into a much bigger problem."

But Susan Ringwood, chief executive of the Eating Disorders Association, said the study wasn't large-scale enough to draw any firm conclusions.

"There's a chicken and egg situation here," she said.

"We don't know if the battle at the dinner table leads to the eating disorder, or whether it is the other way round; that the tendencies towards eating disorder are present first."

She said there was growing research which indicated that eating disorders were often the result of genetic factors coming out in a child's personality and the desire for self-control.

"So the genetic and personality make-up of the child, which make the child want more self-control, would have come out in the food anyway.

"We don't believe it's the food that triggers eating disorders - it's the struggle for control that does that."

But Dr Frankie Phillips, a dietician at the British Dietetic Association, said: "If there is a culture of having to eat everything on your plate I can see how that could lead to obesity later in life.

"It says you are not controlled by your appetite, you are controlled by what's on your plate. That might mean that when you go to a restaurant you might eat too much."

Tam Fry of the National Obesiry Forum said: "It is so important for a child at an early age to regulate their own intake.

"No child will willingly starve itself so force feeding should never be contemplated."

Dr Anna Denny, nutritional scientist at the British Nutrition Foundation, said she agreed with the findings of the study.

"It backs up previous research showing that the Victorian attitude of telling children they must eat everything on their plate is not the way forward," she said.

"We suggest children should be given small protions of nutritious food regularly, and should not be expected to eat massive plates of food."

Dr Denny said young children should have a varied diet including proteins such as meat, vegetables and carbohydrates such as potatoes or wholemeal bread.

They should also have plenty of fat until they are about 10 because of the energy required to grow. They need whole milk not skimmed, she said.

Around one million people in the UK are estimated to have an eating disorder. Anorexia is the loss of apetite causing low body weight, while bulimia manifests itself in people who binge eat and then vomit it up.

The average age at which eating disorders develop is 14. Eighty per cent of new cases are between eight and 20.

via dailymail.co.uk

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How to Teach Your Child Self-Control

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 19:44:00 -0800

Self control is the ability to say "no" when you really want to say "yes"! Self control is delaying gratification and controlling our impulses.
In 1972 one of the classic psychology experiments of all time was done. Children's self control was being tested. The experimenter, Walter Mischel, brought children into his laboratory one at a time. They sat at a table and were shown a marshmallow on a plate. They were told they could eat it now, or if they waited a few minutes until he returned they could have two!
Here's some superb (and very funny) footage of how it looked.

Researchers have followed people for over 30 years of life, measuring self-control from the age of three, and observing life outcomes across the decades.

Compared with people who have high self-control, people with low self-control die younger, have more psychiatric issues and disorders, are less healthy, are more likely to be obese, smoke, and drink or use drugs, are more likely to have unsafe (and impulsive) sex, drive drunk, and commit crimes!

What a list!

The science of self-control powerfully points to success in life stemming largely from our self control. Those who have high self-control generally enjoy greater health, wealth, relationships, and overall wellbeing.

Here are a couple of interesting facts about kids and self-control:

Girls generally show greater self-control than boys. Boys can and do catch up, but not until they are adults.
Self-control is easier when trying "not" to do things than when trying "to" do things. As an example, it is easier to not eat the ice-cream in the freezer than it is to force yourself to tidy the house, write that letter, or prepare dinner. (Bear this in mind when you ask your children "to do" things - it's harder to do than to "not" do).
Self control can change. We can develop it, and so can our children.
Our self-control can be depleted over time. It's a bit of a tangent, but this video explains how it works (and it's really cool too).

So how do we teach self-control to our children?

There are two very important issues to be aware of. First, if we constantly try to influence and subtely (or explicitly) control our children they will not develop self-control. That's because we will be in control. Decades of research shows that being too controlling of our kids is bad for their development. Second, demanding that a child control himself (or herself), while not only controlling, can sometimes be age-inappropriate. We must ensure we are encouraging our children to do things that are age-appropriate.

To teach self-control (and impulse control/delayed gratification) to your children,

Be a model. If you are explosive or 'lose control', your children will learn the same behaviour no matter how much you 'demand' something better of them.
Set limits. Children will be far more likely to regulate their behaviour when they understand limits, particularly if they are involved in the process (where appropriate).
Give responsibilities. By encouraging children to contribute (again in an age-appropriate way. We can't ask four year-olds to do a perfect job mowing the lawn! But they can "help" with the dishes, tidying up, and so on) they can develop a sense of control.
Let your children make decisions for themselves. Talk about the ramifications of their decisions and help them think through the future outcomes related to what they choose.
Talk about self control. Share the information you've gained from this blog with your children. Talk about the psychology of control. Watch the movie above with them. Laugh about it, but also share the ramifications (positive and negative) about self-control. It may be particularly useful to encourage your children to tell you about times when they did or did not control themselves. Have them identify the outcomes of their choices to use self-control.
Do your own experiment. Once you've watched the movie with the marshmallows and talked about it, have some fun with it. Show your children that they CAN develop self-control, and that the outcomes are worth it.

In all of these circumstances our children have the opportunity to make controlled choices, or impulsive choices. When they make impulsive choices our guidance combined with their own self-reflection and insight (again guided by us) can help them better understand self-control and where it leads.

Self-control predicts health, wealth, and civil decisions for good or for bad depending on how we choose to (or choose not to) control ourselves. Teaching children self-control requires skilled parenting, an ability to guide rather than direct, and lots of encouragement. But if you can control yourself as you guide your children, you will be putting them on a path that leads to success in life!

Source: http://happyfamiliesblog.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/how-to-teach-your-child-self-control.html

References:

Caspi, A., et al. (1996). Behavioural observations at age 3 predict adult psychiatric disorders. Longitudinal evidence from a birth cohort. Archives of General Psychiatry, 53, 1033-1039.
Kochanska, G., et al. (2001). The development of self-regulation in the first four years of life. Child Development, 72, 1091-1111.
Moffitt, T., et al. (2011). A gradient of childhood self-control predicts health, wealth, and public safety. Proceedings of the National Academies of Science, 108, 2693-2698.

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Coping with difficult circumstances

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 06:47:00 -0800

When attempting to build your dream family it is tempting to focus on right circumstances over right responses.

In your mind, when you imagine your dream family, life is happy and warm. What do you do in the meantime when things are hard and cold relationally?

The answer is you concentrate on how you respond to others as if the reality of your new family has already taken place until it actually does. Take the vision of who you want your family to be and hold on to that as you begin acting in a manner congruent to it. It won't fit the situation but you are working to transform your family from the inside out to get real, lasting change not just outward compliance.

Take a moment to picture what would be different in your dream family? Allow yourself to imagine how YOU would be reacting to others in your home. Start that behavior today...

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Troublesome behavior problems

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 11:07:45 -0800

If you are dealing with several troublesome behavior problems with your child, give yourself permission to focus on one or two issues and ignore the rest. That's right, ignore the rest.

We are not super parents and can't mange every behavioral issue. Pick one that has the most serious consequence and work on it and then focus on the next one and so forth.

A common conflict comes when a behavior issue impacts school. Often it is better to focus on the behavior and not worry about the grad point average. That will work itself out after you gain success with the behaviors.

Try this for two weeks and let us know how it goes.

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Can Boys Have Eating Disorders? Warning Signs

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 06:28:00 -0800

Source: http://www.parentdish.com/2009/01/09/boys-can-have-eating-disorders-too/

Fifteen-year-old Eric, for example, is obsessed with having zero percent body fat. He is very, very afraid of what food will do to his body. Eric's need for control over his food is so severe that he's involved his entire family in his mealtime issues, throwing a tantrum if a meal isn't cooked to his specifications. Then there's Troy, 22, a health teacher -- no kidding -- who obsesses over calories and is constantly cold from his lack of body fat.

"Everything has to be prepared exactly the way he wants it," Eric's mom Becky says. "He eats egg whites, and I have to crack the egg and kind of toggle the yolk back and forth and get all the egg white out, but if that egg yolk breaks a little bit, and he sees a little bit of yellow in there, I have to throw it away. So, we end up throwing away a lot of things if I do it wrong. It's a lot of pressure when you're the cook, that's for sure. It's not fun."
Though I don't think that Eric's parents set out to be encourage his obsession, they've clearly entered enabling territory. Not only does Eric's mom have to use different utensils to cook Eric's food -- nothing, nothing he doesn't eat is allowed to touch his food -- but he also has his own drawers and shelves in the fridge. And you thought your kid was picky.
Dr. Phil says that as many as one million young men suffer from eating disorders, but often don't get the help they need. If you think you or someone you love may be at risk, here are the warning signs.

Eating disorders, such as anorexia and bulimia, are what Dr. Phil calls a "silent epidemic." In the beginning, girls " and boys too " may choose to restrict their diets or to purge for one reason, but they end up continuing to do so because it becomes an addiction. Early intervention is crucial because once an eating disorder gets a grip on someone, it's far more difficult to treat.

There are warning signs that you do need to be looking for. "First off, you never see them eat. You'll see them push their food around the plate, but you'll see every kind of avoidance technique you can imagine because they regard food as poison," Dr. Phil explains. "If they're acting around food as though it's toxic or poisonous, that should be a clue for you."

Also, has your child been dressing in baggy clothes? "You're going to see really bulky sweaters and baggy pants to hide the weight loss and disguise the body," Dr. Phil says. "Look for extreme behaviors. Look for deception. Look for hiding."

Additional warning signs:

A significant change in apparent appetite

Excessive weight loss and an intense fear of weight gain

An unnatural preoccupation with food and calories

An obsession with clothing size, scales and mirrors

Routine secrecy, such as leaving the table immediately after eating to go behind closed doors

Avoidance of family meals or events at which food is present

Wearing bulky clothes to hide weight loss

Excessive exercise

Social withdrawal and moodiness

Binging: eating an amount of food larger than most people would eat

Self-induced vomiting, the use of laxatives, diuretics, enemas or other medications, or fasting for days following a binge

Hoarding food for later binges and eating in secret

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Top 6 parenting issues couples fight about

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:51:00 -0800

Grandparent involvement

When it comes to grandkids, grandparents can tend to undermine you and spoil the kids rotten without a second though. Although your in-laws may drive you up the wall, try and broach the topic calmly and with solutions in mind.

Criticism about parenting

There are no set rules for parenting, but when it comes to the way your partner changes a diaper or the fact that you rock junior to sleep on occasion, it seems like parents are quick to criticize one another. Before you voice your opinion on why feeding your little one like an airplane is better than a choo choo, remind yourself that your way isn't better than his. Unless health or safety is concerned, and choose your battles.

>> Check out Grandparents: What parents really want from you and pass on tips to your parents.

Escaping for "me" time

A major parenting issue is the loss of "me" time, which can lead to frequent "I'll be right back" moments that stretch on for hours. To help address this need, communicate with your partner and establish ample alone time away for each of you.

>> Discover how to find me time.

Dividing household and baby duties

Before you expanded your family, the division of household chores was clear cut. But with kids comes additional responsibilities, so set up time to divide up household and baby duties so there is no confusion or resentment and avoid this issue that parents commonly fight about.

How to discipline your children

There are thousands of tips for parents on how to discipline your children, but when it comes to doling out punishment, parents often find themselves on different pages. When you find yourselves butting heads over how your kids should be disciplined, set time aside away from little ears and discuss how you'd like to discipline your children.

>> Avoid the 3 discipline mistakes parents make.

Deciding who gets up with the kids

Having kids usually means getting a lot less sleep. Whether it's getting up with the baby in the middle of the night or getting up with the kids at the crack of dawn, agree on a schedule to cut out any bitterness or feelings that your partner is getting more sleep than you.

One of the most important tips for parents is this: The best way to parent is to parent together. "Remember: parenting is a team effort. A team is a group of people with different skills and different ways of doing things," says Neil Mcnerney, LPC. "Being a parent team is more about supporting each other's leadership and less about trying to parent identically." Once you open up the lines of communication and focus on supporting one another, you may find that you share more opinions on parenting than you realize and can avoid some of the top six parenting issues.

Read more about co-parenting

Two people, two parenting styles

When parents disagree on discipline

How to marry two parenting styles into one household

via sheknows.com

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Living with Siblings With Disabilities in Special Needs Families

Sat, 12 Jan 2013 06:42:00 -0800

"Don't Forget about Me!"
I have often mentioned the social-emotional journey toward the acceptance of a learning disability (LD) and shared information and resources that were intended to help adults work though the complex emotions that go hand in hand with having a child who struggles with learning. The feedback I received (thank you to all who wrote to share your first-hand experiences and to offer ideas for future discussion) reminded me how important it is to also recognize the experience of other family members, particularly siblings, whose lives are affected, often in dramatic ways, by living with an individual with LD.

Seeing the Forest Through the Trees

Raising children is a wonderful journey that has rewards and challenges every step along the way. Parenting children with special needs (whether they have health issues, problems with learning and behavior, and even exceptional abilities) is especially labor intensive. The attention and energy expended to meet these special needs and keep a healthy balance between home and school can be all-consuming and at times exhausting. As a consequence of this day-in and day-out juggling act, the feelings and needs of non-disabled siblings might be unintentionally overlooked.

Video: A Family of Brothers
Four brothers, two with learning disabilities, talk about how they support each other. Watch now >
Made possible by a grant from the Oak Foundation.

Being on "LD alert" 24/7 can be very tiring, and parental stress and fatigue alone takes a toll on siblings who continually have to figure out how they fit into the flow of family activity and emotions and how their needs for attention, approval and assistance can be met. With parents needing to devote additional time and resources to helping one child, the overall family dynamic is easily thrown off balance.

Siblings Have Feelings, Too

What could siblings be thinking and feeling as they watch their brother or sister struggle with learning? If they could find the right words, they might touch upon the very same emotions that were described by a psychologist in the 1940s who proposed a model of understanding human behavior. This 'hierarchy of needs' can readily be used to understand some of the emotions that need to be appreciated, understood and addressed by parents and other adults in order to help siblings cope with feelings of anger, jealousy, worry, guilt, and embarrassment that comprise their personal "baggage" as siblings and family members.

Physiology (having to do with comfort and the physical body)

"How come he gets more hugs than I do? And for things that are expected of everyone, like finishing homework!"

Safety (dealing with the need to be protected from harm)

"Why can't he make his own sandwich? He just needs to be careful with the bread knife.

"What's the big deal about him riding his bike to school?"

Belongingness and love (feeling attachment to others)

"It seems like she's always the first one to get attention."

"I'm always doing things for her; when was the last time she did something for me?"

Esteem (having your thoughts and actions valued by others)

"If you ask me, I'd tell you that you need to back off a little; you're doing things for him that he should be doing for himself."

"What about my report card? Pretty good, huh?"

Knowledge and understanding (seeking information)

"When will her LD go away?"

"Is she ever going to be able to do her work on her own?"

Aesthetic (deriving pleasure and triggering emotion)

"He's got a great laugh, even though his sense of humor is weird."

"I wish I knew how to really help him when he's feeling down on himself."

Self-actualization (having "peak experiences" that provide self-fulfillment)

"I know we're very different, but we'll always be there to support each other."

"They said he couldn't learn how to play guitar, and I taught him!"

Transcendence (connecting to something beyond yourself to help others)

"Everyone deserves to be appreciated for who they are and not just what they can do."

"I know how important it is to spend time with him and his friends; they really look up to me and know that I will treat them with respect (even though they can be annoying and immature at times)."

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via ncld.org

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12 New Year's Resolutions for Happier Families

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 15:38:00 -0800

As I wrote around this time a year ago, I love making New Year’s resolutions. For me, it’s a moment to take stock of where I am, and where I want to be, and of all the things I’ve said I hoped to do and have or haven’t done — and why. The resolutions I fail at are always the ones I didn’t really want to keep.
This year, for the first time, I hope to gather my family and persuade them to talk about what we did and didn’t do well as a family this year, and to make a family resolution: Who do we want to be together in 2013? (My husband will say that he wants us to be a family that does not make New Year’s resolutions.)
In that spirit, I asked authors I admire to offer one single resolution to help shape a happier family life in the year ahead.

Brené Brown, author of “Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection”: One intention our family is setting for 2013 is to make more art. It doesn’t matter if it’s more photography, more painting, experimenting in the kitchen, or building the LEGO Death Star (which is our family project right now). I want to create together. It keeps us connected and spiritually grounded.
Andrew and Caitlin Friedman, authors of “Family, Inc.: Take a meeting with your partner or family. Spending just 30 minutes a week on our to-do list, schedule and brainstorming bigger decisions really helped us take control of the chaos that is working parenthood.
Po Bronson, co-author of “NurtureShock” and the forthcoming “Top Dog” (January 2013): Our resolution in our family is pretty simple: argue less, talk more. Even though in “NurtureShock” we wrote that arguing is the opposite of lying, and it is, there’s a lot of arguing that’s just about arguing, and we hope for less of it.
Ashley Merryman, co-author of “NurtureShock” and the forthcoming “Top Dog” (January 2013): This year, I want to sit less. You can read that as “need to exercise” – true enough – but sitting also means I’m spending too much time online, watching too much TV, and so on. Instead, I want to do more meaningful things with people I care about.
Bruce Feiler, “This Life” columnist for Sunday Styles and author of “Walking the Bible”, “Abraham” and “The Secrets of Happy Families” (coming in February): Bribe more creatively (fewer direct rewards for good behavior; more unanticipated praise and surprise adventures). Celebrate more fully (worry less about bad moments; make more of the good). Play more often.
Madeline Levine, author of “Teach Your Children Well”: I resolve to lead with my ears and not my mouth. I’ve yet to meet a child who feels like they’ve been listened to too much.
Asha Dornfest, founder of Parent Hacks and co-author of “Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less”: Embrace the idea of course correction. When faced with a parenting decision, briefly survey your options then make the best choice you can, knowing you can recalculate your route to the destination as the situation — and your family — changes.
Christine Koh, founder of Boston Mamas and co-author of “Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less”: Strive for a less frantic family calendar in 2013 by finding your “Goldilocks level of busy.” Review the last couple of months of your family calendar and identify how many events or activities made your weeks feel too crazy, too slow or just right. Shoot for the “just right” number each week.
Gretchen Rubin, author of “The Happiness Project” and “Happier at Home”: It’s easy to fall into the bad habit of barely looking up from games, homework, books or devices when family members come and go. For that reason, in my family, we made a group resolution to “give warm greetings and farewells.” This habit is surprisingly easy to acquire — it doesn’t take any extra time, energy or money — and it makes a real difference to the atmosphere of home.
Rivka Caroline, author of “From Frazzled to Focused” (@SoBeOrganized): Keep adding to your “to-don’t” list. As frustrating as it is, there just isn’t time for everything. Every “to-don’t” makes room for a “to-do.”
Laura Vanderkam, author of “What the Most Successful People Do on the Weekend”: Think about how you want to spend your downtime. Weekends, evenings and vacations can be opportunities for adventure, but we often lose them in front of the TV because we fail to plan. In 2013, make a bucket list of the fun you want to have as a family — then get those ideas on the calendar.
Michelle Cove, author of “I Love Mondays, and Other Confessions from Devoted Working Moms”: The next time you’re about to apologize to anyone — children, colleagues — ask yourself if you’ve really done anything wrong. Too often, we moms apologize by default.
Follow KJ Dell’Antonia on Twitter at @KJDellAntonia or find her on Facebook and Google
.

via parenting.blogs.nytimes.com

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What to Do if Your Child Is a Loner

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 09:50:00 -0800

My son is very much a loner at his high school. He was never a very popular child, but in the last year, he has become more and more isolated. I know he would never become violent, but I worry about how to help him. When I try to get him to join clubs or call old friends, he refuses. I don't know what to do.

We all knew one in high school; the nerd, the loner, the geeky kid who sat in the back of the class and didn't say much. As teenagers, we didn't have the skills to reach out to classmates who seemed different from us, not to mention the fact that most of us were afraid to risk sacrificing whatever social status we had by befriending a kid who was "weird."

Mostly sweet and sensitive, socially awkward kids quietly inhabit the fringes of our world. If they're lucky, they have one similarly-afflicted friend; someone to take the edge off the loneliness of not fitting in, someone to eat lunch and play video games with them.

But many, like your boy, don't have a someone. They move like a shadow through their school day, desperately waiting for the end-of-school bell that signals relief from the seven hours of social hell. Some -- those who are simply shy -- come back to life when they get home, becoming animated, fiesty and fully engaged with family members.

Others, however, remain isolated, even in the midst of family. They retreat to their room, often spending hours in front of some kind of screen to numb their pain, boredom and depression. They often form alliances -- "friendships" -- with similar kids online, playing group online video games where their particular skill set feels valued, and where they experience a sense of belonging or importance.

Most of the kids I've worked with like your son go through the motions of daily life with a heavy heart, and are very much in need of help and support.

One young man I worked with taught me the importance of even the smallest gesture of kindness. Jeff* was a great kid -- funny, very smart, emotionally immature and terribly awkward. Each time he came to see me he would catalog, in great detail, the ways he had been ignored or excluded. Jeff's odd demeanor and quirky comments alienated others. He felt invisible.

I was always touched when this young man would tell me about someone who had acknowledged him with a simple, "Hi, Jeff," or ask how he was doing on a science project. The fact that someone knew his name, or made even a small effort to connect, would lift his spirits for days.

Here are a few suggestions for helping kids like your son, both for you as a parent, and for those of us who have a youngster in our world whose day might be brightened if we became the one person who reached out:

• Avoid lecturing, shaming or advising. Many kids who suffer from social awkwardness are admonished by their parents to try harder to be friendly. While some may benefit from this advice, making your son feel that he is at fault for his lack of friendships can feel excrutiating, and will certainly make him resistant to any input or guidance you might have to offer.

• Don't pepper him for information about his day. In your eagerness to draw your son out of his shell you may end up coming across as though you're interrogating him. "How was your day?" "Did you talk to anyone?" "Who did you eat lunch with?" Kids who are socially awkward are usually quite sensitive, and can be easily flooded by too many questions.

• Create space for your youngster to connect with you at home in his own way. Come alongside, rather than at him. Don't demand face to face conversation if he is more comfortable talking while the two of you are driving somewhere, or unloading the dishwasher. Show interest in the things he's interested in, allowing him to come your way without feeling pushed or pressured.

• Identify and nurture his gifts. Social Intelligence is one of the eight forms of intelligence identified by psychologist Howard Gardner. Kids who easily establish rapport and forge friendships are strong in this form of intelligence, but there are many other expressions of genius, including Musical, Logic/Mathematic, Verbal/Linguistic, Naturalist, Visual/ Spatial, Body/ Kinesthetic and Intrapersonal Intelligence. Help your son identify his natural interests, and arrange for opportunities to explore and develop his unique talents.

• Provide him with a mentor. While your son may not have stellar social skills, he's great at something. Whether it's playing guitar, designing computer graphics or juggling, look for someone--perhaps a college kid, or a tutor at the local Boys and Girls Club--who can take him under his wing. These get togethers will provide him with the chance to develop his talents and improve his conversational skills in a more relaxed setting.

• Find outside groups or clubs he can join. Whether it's a church or temple youth group, an after school computer club, or a volunteer organization, your son may come to life in a smaller setting where there are older kids/ counselors who can help youngsters feel accepted and celebrated as they are.

• Get professional help. There was once a stigma attached to therapy or counseling, but that is changing. There is no shame in seeking outside support for your son, and he may open up to someone skillful at drawing him out in ways that would surprise you. I have worked with very withdrawn young men and women whose parents warned me by saying, "I doubt if he'll say more than two words to you." These very kids often talked non-stop once their parent left the room, desperately relieved to have found a safe place to offload their pent up feelings.

In the aftermath of the tragic shootings in Sandy Hook, the focus on mental health came to the forefront as it was discovered that the perpetrator was a reportedly isolated and troubled teen. We cannot make it the sole responsibility of classmates, teachers or even parents to heal out a socially awkward youngster who may need professional help, but we can each pay more attention to those young men and women in our midst who struggle to create and maintain friendships. Even the smallest expression of care and interest can help boost the confidence of a child like your son. I hope he gets the help he needs and deserves.

Do you have a question for the Parent Coach? Send it to askparentcoach@gmail.com and you could be featured in an upcoming column.

Books by this author

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Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected
by Susan Stiffelman

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Parenting through grief

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 08:31:00 -0800

Staying strong through tough times

Losing a loved one is probably the worst thing that can happen to someone.

When you are grieving a loss, continuing to be present as a parent can be difficult — especially if your children are grieving too. How can you give your children what they need during this time, when you aren’t even sure what you need?

Grief is a journey like no other. When you are a parent, you can’t just put your children on hold while you sort out your feelings of sadness and loss. Life goes on, children need stability and they may be dealing with grief as well.

Help yourself first

Jennifer Shurnas was in her early 40s when she experienced the sudden and horrific death of her husband. She was faced not only with grieving the loss of her husband of almost 20 years, but with helping her three daughters through the experience as well. “One metaphor that describes parenting during grief is the airplane oxygen mask instruction which flight attendants give you — in order to help your children you must first help yourself,” Shurnas shares. “Fundamentally, you can’t help your child unless you are helping yourself.” Find the support you need in close friends, family members or a therapist. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, and accept offers of help when offered.

Got grief?

“Don't hide your feelings,” advises Christina Steinorth, licensed psychotherapist and author of Cue Cards for Life: Thoughtful Tips for Better Relationships. “Many parents make the mistake of ‘being strong for the children’ and hiding their feelings of grief.” Especially when the children are also grieving the loss, it is helpful for them to see how adults process those same feelings. “Parents need to know that it's OK for their children to see them sad,” says Steinorth. “When parents hide their feelings while the kids are grieving too, it doesn't help children learn to process grief. It almost teaches them that it's not OK to be sad and have feelings of loss and hurt.”

"Each year we release three dozen red, white and blue balloons
into the sky in his memory."

“A child observing your own grief, mourning and processing makes you authentically human and credible to them — someone they can relate to,” shares Shurnas. “It sends a message that it’s OK for them to do the same.” Depending on the age of the child, they will understand and process feelings of grief and loss differently — but look to parents and other adults for guidance.

“While each individual’s grief journey is unique, they will hopefully settle into their own process with your guidance and the guidance of others,” says Shurnas. Each of her three daughters found a different way to work through mourning their father. “My youngest child made and edited amazing videos of her father and dubbed them to music. My middle child would draw for hours at a time, and my eldest would talk and write about her feelings,” she remembers. Her own way of working through mourning involved touching objects that belonged to her husband, reading things that he wrote, looking at photographs and writing.

What helps

Sometimes, just having someone who counts on you each day is enough to make you keep moving forward. “It isn’t an easy balancing act,” Shurnas adds, “but my desire to take care of my children while making endless necessary decisions actually saved me from falling into a deep ditch of depression. Quite simply, my daughters indirectly saved me.” After the initial period of mourning passes, many find that trying to return to a regular routine of work and family commitments helps them stay on track as parents — and helps their children see that life goes on.

For some families, observing special days of remembrance or having rituals they can perform together helps. Shurnas and her daughters decided to have special rituals from time to time to acknowledge her husband’s spirit and keep the good memories of him close to their hearts. “For example,” she shares, “his favorite holiday was the Fourth of July — Independence Day. So, each year we release three dozen red, white and blue balloons into the sky in his memory. Red represents the love we have for him, the white is for peace in our hearts and the blue represents our releasing our ‘blues.’”

Parenting can be difficult as you face the emotional challenges of grief and loss. By including your children in your process of grief and recovery, you are teaching them a life lesson and helping yourself at the same time.

via sheknows.com

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The Ambiguous Loss Syndrome

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 07:50:00 -0800

Ambiguous Loss
Have you ever lost something you know still exists? Perhaps it was an old picture, a sentimental letter or your favorite pair of shoes. Initially, you search and search for the item but you cannot recover it. It eats away at you, day after day, until you are lucky enough to be reunited with it. When this happens, you give a big sigh of relief, the panic eventually subsides and you move forward with your life.

This same scenario can apply to children in the foster care system. They have been separated from what is most precious to them, their families. They know that their family members still exist, but they cannot live with them. Clearly, those children who are reunited with their families feel a great sense of relief. The children who remain in care hold onto the hope of reunifying with their families as long as they are in foster care. Their losses are unresolved.

Ambiguous loss is also known as an unresolved loss. Boss, 1999, defined ambiguous loss as the grief or distress associated with a loss (usually a person or relationship) in which there is confusion or uncertainty about the finality of the loss. There are two types of ambiguous loss:

1. When the person is physically present but psychologically unavailable. An example of this might be when a child’s parent has a mental health diagnosis or a substance use issue that makes him/her emotionally unavailable to meet the needs of the child, even if that parent is physically present.

2. When the person is physically absent but psychologically present. Examples of this would be when a child does not live with a parent due to divorce, incarceration, foster care or adoption (Boss, 1999).

For children in foster care, ambiguous loss occurs over and over again and is very difficult to process. Children who enter foster care often lose contact with their birth parents, their siblings, other family members, friends and their physical surroundings. They enter uncertain situations and are left wondering if the separation from their biological families will be permanent or temporary. Frequently, the biological family stays psychologically present in the child’s mind, even though the biological family members are not physically present. While in care, many foster children fluctuate between hope and hopelessness with regard to reunification. This is due to the ambiguous loss, which causes them to block themselves from forming healthy attachments to their new foster families. To gain a better understanding of a foster child experiencing an ambiguous loss, consider the example of this 11-year-old boy who was in foster care:

I knew that my mom kept thinking about getting us back and that helped me hang on. She told me she wanted us back. I just could never give up on my mom even though she did so much stuff. I know no matter what she put me through she still loved me. There was no way I was going to call my foster mother Mom. I got a mother. At times my mom said she couldn’t stop thinking about us and wanted to kill herself because she wasn’t with us. I thought one day she will come back and get me, wake up and realize what she did wrong. After all the pain you go through you hope there is happiness waiting for you in the end (Manuel, age 11).

Nationally, there are 463,000 children in foster care, 49% of whom are slated for reunification with their biological parents. With this in mind, it is essential that professionals working with foster children and foster parents understand the concept of ambiguous loss and work with their clients to create more stable relationships between foster parents and their foster children (www.childwelfare.gov).

How Foster Parents Can Cope Ambiguous loss can be difficult for many foster parents to comprehend if they do not have a clear understanding of its role in the foster child’s life. As outsiders, we expect the foster child to be as angry as we are at the biological parents who caused them pain. We cannot understand why the children want to have anything to do with their biological parents after being treated so badly. This may be our reality, but it is not the foster child’s reality. Extreme loyalty remains between the child and the biological family members, and hope of returning home is kept alive by phone contact or visits with biological parents who tell them that they are attempting to regain custody. These statements by parents underscore for the children that reunification is not a fantasy; it can be a reality. Since the loss is unresolved, the children find it very difficult to detach from their biological parents and attach to a new caregiver; their parents are still very much alive.

Foster parents can ease the transition for themselves and their foster children by recognizing the symptoms of ambiguous loss prior to the child entering the home. These symptoms often include: Difficulty with changes and transitions, even seemingly minor ones like sleeping in a new bed Trouble making decisions Feelings of being overwhelmed when asked to make a choice Problems coping with routine childhood or adolescent losses (last day of school, death of a pet, move to a new home, etc.) A sort of learned helplessness and hopelessness due to a sense that he has no control over his life Depression and anxiety Feelings of guilt Fear of attachment Lack of trust

(www.nacac.org). Foster parents can also help alleviate the ambiguous foster child’s anxieties and fears and create a healthy attachment by:

Acknowledging that the foster child’s biological family still exists; denial can be a real enemy. Not taking sides but spending time exploring the foster child’s feelings if he is open to this.

Giving a voice to the ambiguity -- give a name to the feelings of ambiguous loss and acknowledge how difficult it is to live with this ambiguity.

Learning to redefine what it means to be a family, both foster and biological. Giving your foster children permission to have feelings about being separated from their family of origin without feeling guilty.

Helping the child identify what has been lost (the loss may not be limited to the actual parent – loss could also include the membership of that extended family, the loss of the home or town, the loss of having a family that looks like them or the loss of their family surname.

Create a “loss box.” In her work with adopted adolescents, therapist Debbie Riley guides youth as they decorate a box in which they place items that represent things they’ve lost. This gives them both a ritual for acknowledging the loss and a way for them to revisit the people or relationships in the future.

Creating a life book and writing in the birthdays and names of their biological family members. Understanding that sometimes certain events trigger feelings of loss, such as holidays, birthdays or the anniversary of an adoption.

Alter or add to family rituals to acknowledge the child’s feelings about these important people or relationships that have been lost. For example, adding an extra candle representing the child’s birth family on his or her cake may be a way of remembering their part in your child’s life on that day.

Don’t set an expectation that grief over ambiguous loss will be “cured,” “fixed” or “resolved” in any kind of predetermined timeframe.

Explain that feelings related to ambiguous loss will come and go at different times in a person’s life and provide a safe place for the child to express those feelings (www.nacac.org).|

In addition to unconditional love, the best gifts that anyone can give a foster child coping with an ambiguous loss are patience, honesty and acknowledgement.

References Boss, P. (1999), Ambiguous Loss. Learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA. Harvard University Press. National American Council on Adoptable Children. (2011). Retrieved October 2, 2010, from www.nacac.org/links.html

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How can I raise a gracious loser?

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 09:09:00 -0800

While it's perfectly natural for your child to be disappointed when she loses something she's worked hard for, like the championship soccer game, it is important for her to learn to accept loss without feelings of bitterness or low self-esteem. A child who doesn't learn to lose graciously has a hard time making friends and is often frustrated by failures. Here are some ways to encourage a sourpuss to sweeten up.
Play on your child's sense of empathy. At this age, she's starting to develop the ability to put herself in another person's place. She can now begin to understand that getting angry when she doesn't win hurts the feelings of the people she's playing with. Ask her to think about how it would feel if someone got angry at her when she did something she was proud of. Tell her that it's okay to be sad about losing, but she should try not to hurt others because of it.

Play cooperative games. Noncompetitive games eliminate winning and losing altogether and help your child learn what it's like to play on a team. Try hitting a balloon back and forth, or play a game of Chinese checkers in which the idea is to get your marbles on her side and hers on your side at roughly the same time. As children get older, they will have to start playing with teammates to accomplish a common goal, and cooperative games give them a great foundation for this.

Emphasize effort, skill, and fun. It's trite but true: "It's not whether you win or lose but how you play the game." Your job is to get your child to take this adage to heart. After she plays a game with a friend, ask, "Did you have a good time?" instead of "Who won?" Offer praise for anything done well, no matter how small it may seem. The more you can get your child thinking about developing the skills needed to be a good player — regardless of the outcome — the less important winning becomes.

Teach your child how to win and lose well. Show her what it means to be a good winner and a good loser. Tell her that good winners don't brag about victories or make fun of another player's skills. And help her become a good loser by giving her opportunities to lose as she plays against you. It seems harsh, but she'll never learn the skill if she doesn't practice it. Most important, don't let her see you being a poor sport. Take your losses well, and always congratulate the winner.

If your child regularly "loses it" when she loses, you might need to take a break from game playing altogether. Turn the focus to other areas of her life that she can feel good about. And teach her that mistakes are okay by not reacting harshly when she makes one. For example, instead of getting angry about a bad grade in school, talk about what she can do to do better. In time, you should see some improvement.

via babycenter.com

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Caring for Our Greatest Generations: Children and Elderly

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 17:30:00 -0800

via brainblogger.com

Philosophers, religious leaders, and anthropologists have long asserted that the true measure of the goodness of a culture is how it treats those hardest to care for — namely children and the elderly. According to a new report by the National Research Council, our society is missing the mark.
The report specifically examined the ability of U.S. healthcare workers to meet the mental health needs of an aging population. In 2010, 40.3 million Americans were 65 years or older. By 2030, that number will grow to 72.1 million. Currently, an estimated 1 in 5 of these older adults have at least one mental health or substance abuse condition. Depressive disorders and dementia-related symptoms are the most common problems. Additionally, age alters the body’s ability to metabolize medications and cognitive impairments lead to an inability for self-care. These age-related issues lead to multiple healthcare challenges, including high costs, decreased quality of life, and increased morbidity and mortality. To add insult to injury, the report claims that there is a shortage of healthcare workers who are able to care for these elderly patients.
Primary care providers are currently ill-equipped to care for the mental healthcare needs of an aging population. And, as the aging population grows and becomes more diverse, providers will fall further behind in their ability to care for the elderly. Most providers receive little training in geriatric care and virtually no training on mental health in this specific population. The authors of the IOM report cite a lack of financial incentives and mentorship opportunities within this specialty. They released the report as a wake-up call to the nation that will, hopefully, prompt an expansion and preparation of a geriatric healthcare workforce. The authors suggest augmenting Medicare and Medicaid reimbursement for mental health and substance abuse counseling services and intensifying government grants and programs that encourage professional training in geriatrics.
However, all of these recommendations require money and time — two other things facing significant shortages in the American healthcare system. Inadequate training and personnel shortages are not easily overcome. Coordinated efforts by health professional and social services schools, agencies that promote training in geriatric care, and public and private care providers must espouse a new attitude toward caring for an aging population. Educational experiences that encourage a quality-of-life, rather than just a medical, approach to geriatric care has proved successful in some healthcare curriculums. Clinical knowledge and didactic education are obviously important for improving the care of elderly patients, but the attitude and affective knowledge gained through non-clinical interactions with older adults may be the best approach to expand and improve the care of our aging population. Affection and care for the elderly are truly gold mines of a culture. If we are not able to care for those who have spent their lifetimes caring for us, what kind of care can we expect in our own golden years?

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Parenting: Don't Praise Your Children!

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 09:31:00 -0800

Let's start with the purpose of praise: to encourage children to continue to engage in positive behaviors that produce positive outcomes. Now you can start to see the problems with "good job!" First, it lacks specificity. It doesn't tell children what precisely they did well and without that information they can't know exactly what they should do in the future to get the same outcome. Second, "good job!" focuses on the outcome rather than the process. If you're going to be lazy with your praise, at least say, "Good effort!" because it focuses them on what they did to do a good job.
Unfortunately, many parents have been misguided by the "self-esteem movement," which has told them that the way to build their children's self-esteem is to tell them how good they are at things. Unfortunately, trying to convince your children of their competence will likely fail because life has a way of telling them unequivocally how capable or incapable they really are through success and failure.
The reality is that children don't need to be told "good job!" when they have done something well; it's self-evident. They do need to be told why they did well so they can replicate that behavior in the future to get the same positive outcome.
Research has shown that how you praise your children has a powerful influence on their development. The Columbia University researchers Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck found that children who were praised for their intelligence, as compared to their effort, became overly focused on results. Following a failure, these same children persisted less, showed less enjoyment, attributed their failure to a lack of ability (which they believed they could not change), and performed poorly in future achievement efforts. Says Dweck: "Praising children for intelligence makes them fear difficulty because they begin to equate failure with stupidity."
Too much praise of any sort can also be unhealthy. Research has found that students who were lavished with praise were more cautious in their responses to questions, had less confidence in their answers, were less persistent in difficult assignments, and less willing to share their ideas.
Children develop a sense of competence by seeing the consequences of their actions, not by being told about the consequences of their actions. The researchers Mueller and Dweck found that children who were praised for their effort showed more interest in learning, demonstrated greater persistence and more enjoyment, attributed their failure to lack of effort (which they believed they could change), and performed well in subsequent achievement activities. Rewarding effort also encouraged them to work harder and to seek new challenges. Adds the Clark University researcher Wendy Grolnick: "Parental encouragement of learning strategies helps children build a sense of personal responsibility for-and control over-their academic careers."
Based on these findings, you should avoid praising your children about areas over which they have no control. This includes any innate and unalterable ability such as intelligence, physical attractiveness, or athletic or artistic gifts. You should direct your praise to areas over which your children have control-effort, attitude, responsibility, commitment, discipline, focus, decision making, compassion, generosity, respect, love, the list goes on. You should look at why exactly your children did something well and specifically praise those areas. For example, "You worked so hard preparing for this test," "You were so focused during the entire chess match," and "You were so generous for sharing with your sister."
Particularly with young children, you don't need to praise them at all. The best thing you can do is simply highlight what they did. For example, if your toddler just climbed a playground ladder for the first time, just say, "You climbed that ladder by yourself." Their smile of pride will tell you that they got the message you wanted them to get, namely, "I did it!" Nothing more needs to be said.
As another alternative to praise, just ask your children questions. You can find out what your children thought and felt about their achievement, for example, "What did you enjoy most about your performance?" and "How do you feel about what you just did?" Allow your children to decide for themselves how they feel about their accomplishments, enable them to reward themselves for their own good actions, and encourage them to internalize what they observed about their own achievement efforts.
Or really go out on a limb and don't say anything at all to your children. As I just mentioned, kids know when they do well. By letting them come to this realization on their own, they learn to reinforce themselves and they don't become praise junkies dependent on you for how they feel about their efforts and accomplishments.
Here is my challenge to you. First, next time you're at the playground or a youth sports competition, take note of what parents say to their children. I'll bet you hear "Good job!" (or some variation) constantly. Next, monitor what you say to your children in the same situations. Then, erase "Good job!" from your vocabulary. We've already established how useless it is. Finally, start to praise your children in the healthy ways I just described. When you have broken yourself of the "Good job!" habit, you can then pat yourself on the back and tell yourself, "Good job!"

via psychologytoday.com

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