Notes on Parenting

Guided Play: Helping Kids Learn Through Play

2012-02-16T05:00:00.000-05:00

As a parent, you may wonder if all that time you spend with your child playing with blocks and puzzles really helps them learn anything. In an age in which new, high-tech toys are showing up on shelves everyday, it is tempting to think that "old fashioned" toys like blocks and puzzles are boring. However, new research is showing us that this is far from the truth. A recent study by researchers at Temple University showed that young children who played with blocks along with an interactive adult developed a larger spatial vocabulary (e.g., words like "under" or "over"). Spatial vocabulary, not surprisingly, is associated with the development a better spatial abilities. Having good spatial abilities is not only important if you dream of your child becoming an engineer, they also come in handy in everyday life. If you've ever tried to put together a piece of unassembled furniture, you know the importance of spatial skills.
The key aspect of this study is the role that parents play in interacting with their children at play. In the study, children were placed in three groups to compare: (1) "free" play with the blocks with little assistance from adults, (2) "preassembled" play in which the blocks were glued together into a structure, or (3) "guided" play in which adults helped children create a structure based on graphic instructions. As you might expect, children in the "guided" play group showed the highest development of spatial vocabulary. This was due to the fact that children learned concepts like "over" and "under" from listening to the adults work with them in creating the block structure.
Beyond the development of spatial skills, this study reminded me of the importance of this idea of "guided" play. Play really is the "work" of childhood and research has shown repeatedly how play-based learning fits better with young children's developmental capabilities than rote learning. Play-based learning, however, doesn't necessarily mean that kids should be left to their own devices all the time; some adult guidance is useful in helping kids structure their play and learn new concepts. This doesn't mean you have to instruct your child how to play, but offering some ideas or a starting point is often helpful.
I have found in playing with my son (age 2.5) that he will often come up with an idea of something he wants to create or imitate based on something he saw in a book or video, but he doesn't quite know how to implement it. Once he mentions an idea, I will then help him come up with the tools (usually whatever toys are lying around) to create his vision. For example, he recently read about a combine in a farm book so he wanted to play with one. Since we didn't have a toy combine, I showed him how to create one out of Legos. Luckily, kids have great imaginations and almost any combination of Legos can turn into the desired object. Once he had his creation in hand, he was off and playing with very little intervention from me.
I think one of the main messages of the Temple study is this idea of guided play. Playing with blocks in itself is not magical, it's the guidance and vocabulary offered by adults that really seems to make the difference in children's learning. "Guided play" may sound like a daunting task, but it's really just a return to your childhood and in the process helping your child discover his or her world.
Ferrara, K., Hirsh-Pasek, K., Newcombe, N., Golinkoff, R., & Lam, W. (2011). Block Talk: Spatial Language During Block Play Mind, Brain, and Education, 5 (3), 143-151 DOI: 10.1111/j.1751-228X.2011.01122.x

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5 Tips for Managing Passive Aggressive Behavior

2012-02-13T15:50:00.002-05:00

Amber had been giving her mother the silent treatment all week. She was angry about not being allowed to sleep over at a friend’s house. Late Thursday night, she left a note on her mother’s pillow, asking her mom to wash her uniform before Friday’s soccer game. When Amber returned home from school on Friday, in a rush to pack her gear, she looked all over for her uniform. She finally found it in the washer—perfectly clean, as per her request—but still soaking wet! Amber was late for her game and forced to ride the bench.

When all was un-said and done, Amber’s mother felt defeated. Having one-upped her daughter in the conflict, it was clear to her that she had lost by winning. As parents, most of us have been in situations where traveling the low road is irresistible and we become temporarily reckless in our driving. But anytime we mirror a child’s poor behavior instead of modeling a healthier way to behave, our victories add up to long-term relationship damage and lasting hostilities.

So, what could Amber’s mother have done differently in this hostile un-confrontation? What can any parent do to avoid the agony of victory and the defeat of healthy communication? The following guidelines offer parents strategies for maintaining their calm in a passive aggressive storm and responding in ways that lay the groundwork for less conflictual relationships with their daughters.

1. Know What you are Dealing With

Amber’s silent treatment is a classic example of passive aggressive behavior. In The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces, 2nd edition, authors Long, Long and Whitson define passive aggression as a deliberate and masked way of expressing feelings of anger. In young women, common passive aggressive behaviors include:

• Verbally denying feelings of anger (“I’m fine. Whatever!”)
• Verbally complying but behaviorally delaying (“I’ll clean my room after soccer.”)
• Shutting down conversations ("Fine" and "Whatever")
• Intentional inefficiency (“I did make my bed. I didn’t know you meant all of the blankets had to be pulled up!”)
• “Forgetting” or “misplacing” important items (“I don’t know where your car keys are.”)
• Avoiding responsibility for tasks (“I didn’t know you wanted me to do it. Putting away the clean dishes is his chore!”)

Parents who are familiar with these typical patterns are able to respond directly to their daughter’s underlying anger and to avoid misbehaving in counter-passive aggressive ways!

2. Consult the Mirror on the Wall

Passive aggressive persons master concealing their anger, and are expert at getting unsuspecting others to act it out in one of two ways. Many respond with an outburst of anger and frustration—yelling, finger wagging, threatening punishment—then feel guilty and embarrassed for having lost control. Others keep the tension low, but turn up the heat on the simmering conflict by mirroring the passive aggression. When Amber’s mother purposely left the soccer uniform in the washer, she mirrored the anger that Amber had been feeling all week long. What’s more, her counter-passive aggression ensured that the anger between mother and daughter would linger, fester, and grow more intense over time in its buried, unaddressed form! The second step in effectively confronting passive aggression is to refuse to act out the anger for the other person. Helping Amber learn to honor her voice and express her anger directly is one of this mother’s most valuable parenting opportunities!

3. Say Yes to Anger

Anger is a basic, spontaneous, neurophysiological part of the human condition. As such, it is neither good nor bad. It just is. Too often young girls are held to an unrealistic social standard about what it takes to be “good.” From a very early age, they begin to associate having angry feelings with being bad. Like Amber, our daughters perceive anger as taboo and take steps to suppress angry feelings. When parents teach their daughters to say “yes” to the presence of anger and “no” to the expression of anger through aggressive or passive aggressive behaviors, they build a foundation for lifelong emotional intelligence and strong relationships.

4. Be the Change You Want to See

Each time passive aggressive behavior is answered with a mirrored counter-passive aggressive response, the hidden means of expressing anger is reinforced and an opportunity for direct emotional expression is lost. On the other hand, each time passive aggressive behavior is confronted assertively, the hidden anger is weakened. The most effective way for our daughters to learn to acknowledge and accept angry feelings is to role model this for them on a daily basis. As mothers, this can be a real challenge since we, too, may have faced stringent socializing forces regarding the expression of our anger. It’s never too late to learn to express anger in emotionally honest, direct ways, however, and the stakes have never been so high!

5. Allow it! Tolerate it! Encourage it, even!

The final essential angle to confronting passive aggressive behavior in our daughters is our willingness to receive their anger when they test out their new voice. If you are going to guide your daughter to be more open and direct with her anger, then you must also be willing to accept her anger when she expresses it. For many, this is truly difficult. But for lasting change to take hold for Amber and other young girls, they must know that the assertive expression of their anger will be tolerated, respected and even honored! ing

For more information on managing passive aggressive behavior in kids, check out The Angry Smile at www.signewhitson.com, Like Signe on Facebook, or Follow her on Twitter @SigneWhitson.

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3 Things to Stop Saying to your Kids in 2012

2012-02-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

Parenthood—it's something that's perfected over time and is learned through trial and error. But too many errors can ultimately cause damage to your child's self-esteem, especially when it comes to the way we speak to our kids. To make sure that you don’t say these top three phrases that child experts and psychologists say can ultimately do harm to your child, continue reading below.

1. "What do you know? You're just a child"

One of the first things that will come to your child's mind when hearing this phrase when he or she answers something incorrectly or messes something up is that he or she is incompetent. A child's mind is growing and developing so even when he or she may think they know everything, they really don't. But it's your responsibility to nurture their minds and teach them—don't scold or undermine your child because he or she is, well, a child.

2. "Because I said so"

All too often these 4-letter words are uttered to abruptly end a conversation with your child. The idea behind it is simple: most parents feel that as head of the household they shouldn’t have to succumb to providing explanations to validate why their child can't go to the park or why it's not ok to eat chocolate for dinner. They should just do as they are told. But unfortunately what will happen over time is that your child will think that what he or she has to say holds no weight and eventually your child may lose motivation to even try to ask you for anything—especially when it really matters.

This is not to say that you should never tell your child no, on the contrary you are the authority figure and your child should play by your rules. But as a parent it's your responsibility to discuss why those rules are instilled in the first place. So take some time to explain yourself, even if you are too tired or frustrated to do so. Chances are that if your child learns why it's so dangerous to play at the park at 8 p.m., he or she will never ask you to do it again (or will at least no why he/she can't).

3."What were you thinking?"

Lastly, this phrase, which is all too often said when a parent gets upset with his/her child, can really do some major damage to your child's self-esteem. This is because while it's understandable that as a parent you're upset and you may honestly want to know what was racing through your child's head when they decided to take the car out for spin without your permission, for example, the truth is that you're not going to get the answer you're looking for—you'll be lucky enough to get an "I don't know." This sort of response can frustrate some parents even further and fly them off the hinges—not to mention you'll make your child feel like he or she is a mindless idiot in the process. As a parent you have to foresee that your child is going to screw up every now and then, after all you made mistakes as a kid too. Not thinking at times and being careless is just part of the kid-gig. So instead of taking a cheap shot at your child's intelligence which can give them self esteem issues, have your child explain him or herself from start to finish. Feel free to discipline your child but only after hearing him/her out first.

This guest post was contributed by Lauren Bailey, who regularly writes for accredited online colleges. She welcomes your comments at her email: blauren99(at)gmail.com.

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Teaching Acceptance to Children: 5 Golden Rules

2012-02-08T10:03:00.003-05:00

by: Dyan Eybergen

When children know about and are comfortable with people of different cultural, racial and ethnic backgrounds, there are fewer incidences of intolerance and prejudice bullying. When children are taught acceptance they do not factor in exclusion criteria for being friends with someone of a different colour or religion; they are willing to accept people for who they are, not for how they appear.

Set a good example. Many behaviors are learned. When it comes to cultural tolerance, you must always be mindful that children watch everything you do and say and when having to conduct themselves in similar situations, by default they will pattern the example you have provided them.
Expose children to different cultures at an early age. The more children learn about different races and religions the more likely they are to accept them as part of their environment. Try borrowing books on different nationalities and cultures from the library, or have a night of the week where you have a dinner focusing on a particular culture and introduce them to the foods and customs of the country you choose.
Teach the meaning of equality! Although we are all different, we are all human beings that deserve respect and kindness.
Talk about prejudice; don’t pretend it doesn’t exist. Teach children to advocate against it.
Listen well. When children have questions about those who are different from them, be armed with positive answers that will equip them with compassion and understanding.

13 Common Phrases to Let You Know Your Child is Being Passive Aggressive

2012-02-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

Is your child a foot stomper? Does he scream and shout when he is feeling angry or is he more likely to withdraw and pout? Kids express their anger through a wide range of actions—some more overt than others. Children who tend toward indirect anger expression use passive aggressive strategies to communicate their feelings. Passive aggression is a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger and involves a variety of behaviors designed to get back at another person without that person recognizing the underlying anger (Long, Long & Whitson). Do you recognize any of these passive aggressive phrases in your child’s anger vocabulary?

"I’ll Do it Right After this Show"
Procrastination, postponement, and stalling are three of the most common passive aggressive tactics. When a child verbally complies with a request, but behaviorally delays its completion, his temporary compliance frustrates adults. Other red flag phrases include:
• I’m coming
• Be there in a minute
• I’ll do it right after school
• I will, but I have to go to the bathroom first.

"I Didn’t Hear You"
When a child is angry with an adult or annoyed by a request, a typical passive aggressive strategy is to pretend not to hear (or see, or remember) and to fail to respond. Do any of these sound familiar?
• I couldn’t find my pen, so I didn’t finish my homework
• I forgot all about the laundry in the dryer. Maybe you should leave me a note next time.
• I couldn’t hear you. I had my headphones on. What did you ask again?

"You Just Want Everything to be Perfect"
When stalling and “forgetting” will no longer cut it, some children choose to express anger toward an adult by complying with requests, but carrying them out in unacceptable ways:
• I took the laundry out of the dryer like you asked. I didn’t know you wanted it folded.
• I tried to unload the dishwasher like you asked, but I didn’t know where the plates went, so I left them on the counter
• I did all of my homework. It’s not my fault that you can’t read my writing.

When the adult objects to the quality of the work, the passive aggressive child plays up his role as victim of unreachable standards, frustrating the adult even more.

If you recognize some of these passive aggressive phrases in your child, don’t panic! Most people use passive aggressive behaviors here and there, as a “socially acceptable” way of avoiding tasks and frustrating others. Parents who role model assertive anger expression and practice direct communication of feelings can teach their children effective ways to express emotions. If you notice that your child expresses anger indirectly across most situations and seems to fear communicating anger directly, he may benefit from more focused support and professional intervention.

For more information on confronting and changing passive aggressive behavior, please visit www.signewhitson.com or check out The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive behavior in Families, Schools & Workplaces, 2nd ed. Follow Signe on Twitter @SigneWhitson or Like her on Facebook.

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Being Productive With Small Children

2012-02-03T13:21:00.002-05:00

Last night I attended a women's meeting and the theme was dealing with being overwhelmed. We have an endless list of things to do, it seems, and having small children makes it more complicated. Here are some ways to cope with this situation.

1. If you're on a mission to get a lot done, first give your kids your undivided attention. Sit down and do something with them rather than just expecting them to just sit at the table and color. You might feel like it's cutting into your day, but it lessens their meltdowns a lot. You can spend 30 minutes playing with a train set, puzzle, etc. or you can spend the whole day trying in vain to do what you need to accomplish while they whine and cry for your attention.

2. Prioritize. Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves. If you're overwhelmed already, don't commit to throwing someone a baby shower or the equivalent.

3. Say no. It's OK to say no and you don't have to give an explanation. You know what you can handle. Don't compare yourself to other women who seem to have it all together because they probably don't.

4. Get the kids involved. It's amazing how fun they think some chores are. It will keep them busy while you continue your productivity spree.

5. Ask a friend for help. Maybe each of you would like a day to get some things done? I did a trade recently with a friend and it was wonderful. We were able to run all over town without having to take anyone to the potty or dealing with tantrums in public places.

6. Don't be a martyr and don't expect your husband to automatically know what needs to be done. You can run yourself ragged while feeling resentful that he doesn't have the same goals as you or you can ask for help. Ask him if he prefers lists or just a verbal request. Give him opportunities to do what you feel you do better than him. Thank him for his help and don't criticize him. If he feels like there's no pleasing you, why would he volunteer to help? He can also take the kids to play at the park while you have some quiet at home and work on some projects you've been putting off.

7. Take care of yourself. You can't expect to be efficient or patient when you haven't eaten or met other needs. It's difficult with small children, but keep some healthy snacks on hand to help like fruits and nuts.

8. Don't overschedule yourself. Your children do not have to be involved in every sport and other activity known to man. With less running around, you have more time to cross things off your to do list.

Accomplishing goals with kids is tough, but with a enough experimentation and persistence, we can figure out a way to make it work while maintaining our sanity.

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How to get your child ready for school

2012-01-30T07:00:00.000-05:00

There comes a time when every child needs to get ready to enter the school system. It can be a daunting and emotional experience for many parents since their child will always be thought of as being 'their baby'. Remember, though, that going away to school will be an equally frightening experience for them, too. Here, we will look at some tips to nurture your little one into being school ready.

Skills Your Child Will Need

Kindergarten has changed a lot since parents were in school. Back then, days were shorter (a maximum of 3 hours) and there was a stronger emphasis on developing social skills. Nowadays, parents can expect a full day's worth of activities (up to 6 hours) including writing, reading and seat work designed to improve concentration, attention and other skills. These changes mean there are a lot more skills your child needs before starting school. These include:

Motor skills such as throwing a ball, cutting, walking in a straight line and coloring.
Being emotionally and socially ready -- kids need to be able to work in groups and accept the teacher as an authority figure.
Being intellectually and cognitively ready -- your child needs to understand numbers, shapes, colors, understand similarities and opposites, and answer simple questions about his/her environment.
Curiosity -- your child needs to be eager to learn and investigate the world. They need to think independently and ask questions.

How Parents Can Improve these Skills

It is important to make sure that the preschool or day care center is ideal for your child. Make sure you choose an environment which builds the skills needed for school, encourages curiosity and teaches learning in a fun and supportive way.
Ensure the preschool is fully licensed, has a low child-to-teacher ratio so they receive a lot of attention, is open to visits from parents, and has experienced and educated teachers.
Cut down on TV and video games. Take an interest in sports with your child and encourage them to be active. This will improve their motor skills and make them healthier, too.
Create family nights and include activities such as playing board or puzzle games to develop team-building skills and nurture cognitive skills.
Take advantage of municipal libraries. They have a great selection of books you can borrow. Make reading fun and ask your child questions to build their self-esteem and curiousity. Ask 'What is that?' and 'What do they do?'.
Be a good role model. If you are shy, for instance, pluck up the courage to talk to other kids' at the park or preschool. Show your child that it's okay to be friendly towards other people and how easy it is to make new friends.
Talk to your child. Nothing will encourage their language skills more than actually talking to them.
Ask relatives to buy fun and creative presents for birthdays and holidays.
Eat healthily. A good diet is essential for growing kids. Keep junk food to a minimum and ensure there are plenty of fruits, vegetables and proteins at mealtimes.

What to Avoid

It is crucial to remember that every child is different. Everyone learns at different rates and are stronger in some areas than in others. Not every child will be good at sports, for example. Be patient and encourage them. Don't shout or talk down to them.

This guest post was written by Claire Hodge, a mom of two and writer for AuPair.org.

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Knowing when to ignore a tantrum

2012-01-26T07:00:00.000-05:00

My daughter Elizabeth just turned three. As toddlers are notorious for their prolonged tantrums I would like to share with you what works for me. For the most ridiculous reason she will stomp and kick until she gets her way. I find it very frustrating dealing with an uncompromising young lady who doesn’t listen to reason. When she gets unreasonable it’s too late for me to step in. It’s only at the beginning strains of a tantrum that I can deal with it and nip it in the bud.

One great tool I use to avert a tantrum is to offer choices. Many parents believe that offering a choice to their kid is enabling them to control the parent. In reality it’s just the opposite. You as a parent stay in control, by virtue of you being the one offering the options. All you are enabling is your child to feel like she counts as an individual with her own preferences. Offering a choice of options to a child, when done correctly, is one of the smartest things you can do. I never offer more than 2 options, as that could confuse them and it just makes it harder for her to decide. So for example, if my daughter is starting to protest about going to sleep, I’ll quickly step in and say “Elizabeth would you like to sleep at the foot of your bed or at the head” or I’ll say “should I close the door or leave it open”. Small things like these which divert her attention work like a charm. My child feels like the boss because she just got to choose and I accomplish my goal with minimal fuss.

If there is a full fledged tantrum in place already there are other great parenting ideas that may work. First thing is check if there is any danger to your child. When my daughter is having a tantrum on the couch or a bed I’ll gently remove her and place her on the floor. The danger of falling off a raised platform can’t be minimized. If my daughter is carrying on because of a silly thing like the wrong Sippy cup color then I feel free to walk away. I’ll make sure she is safe and then wander off to a different activity. My objective is to show her that silly tantrums do not bother me. If a crying episode escalates into banging and throwing objects then I’ll intervene and gently hold my daughter. Rocking back and forth usually does the trick and my daughter calms down.

What are your tips for handling a tantrum?

This guest post was written by Sandy. To read more of her posts visit bagless canister vacuum cleaner.

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Is texting really an effective mode of communication?

2012-01-24T09:55:00.000-05:00

In the world right now, there is one cell phone for every two people. In June 2000, 12 million text messages were sent worldwide. By June 2006, 12 billion text messages were sent worldwide. And my favourite factoid about cell phone domination is: in London they are putting up padding on lamp posts because people have been hurt walking into lamp posts while texting and walking.

How dominant have cell phones really become? Well let’s do some number crunching through an example. There is this girl named Julie, she is a high-school student. She has an awesome cell phone that she uses everywhere! She uses her phone to text at home, at school, after practices, while she walks the dog and in the car while mom drives. She even takes her cell phone to bed with her. She even texts when the hum of her cell phone wakes her during the night. Julie says that she would die without her phone.

One day Julie’s mom opened her cell phone bill and realized that Julie sends and receives an eye-popping 6,473 text messages that month. That is 215 text messages a day. In 16 waking hours, that is 13 texts per hour. That means she is sending or receiving one text every four and a half minutes! Texting runs her life.

Is texting really all that it is cracked up to be? Is it really worth waking up at 2am to respond? Is it really an effective way of communicating? Some may say yes, ecstatically.

But what does it mean to communicate? To really communicate? It means we send messages that we encode for someone else to decode. These messages are sent in words, tone of voice and facial expressions or body language – however you choose to define it. If my wife asks if I want to go to the movie and in response I sigh and say yes while rolling my eyes, what am I really communicating? I am saying that I am definitely not interested in going to the movies. This is because we depend on gestures and body language for 55% of the message decoding process; 38% for tone of voice and a lowly 7% for actual words.

When we text someone, even when we attempt to use emoticons, we are actually communicating poorly. We are only using 7% of what our brain relies on for sending and receiving encoded messages. We are missing out on larger experience.

Text messaging, especially excessively like the example of Julie, does not enhance our social skills or social life. It creates a false sense of security and belonging. Text messaging, in some ways, is actually more isolating than it is a way of connecting.

Let us start putting down the cell phone and start talking to people, face to face. Let’s send smiles with our face instead of emoticons. Let us communicate fully, instead of partially. Try it. You may soon realize what you have been missing out on.

Written by:

Josh Lockhart
.....is Locking Hearts Together
lockingheartstogether.blogspot.com

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The Power of Sensitive Parenting

2012-01-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

In recent days, I've been reading some amazing research about the long-reaching and profound effects that sensitive parenting (or lack there of) can have on children. This may not seem surprisingly, of course. We all know that parents are the first and perhaps most profound influence on their children's lives. Recently, however, with advances in neuroimaging and long-term longitudinal research, researchers are able to see even more clearly the impact of sensitive parenting. A couple of areas of influence have really grabbed my attention: brain structure and function, and long-term health. Let's looks at each of these areas and how they may relate to early sensitive parenting.
Brain Structure and Function
It is well-known that mothers suffering from depression are at greater risk for less sensitive/attuned parenting practices. Some research has linked this less sensitive parenting (via mothers' depression) to the development of larger amygdalas in children. The amygdala is a part of the brain that helps control emotion regulation. Thus, less sensitive parenting may actually change the structure of children's brains. That is amazing when you think about it--that in environmental influence (parenting) may have the power to affect how the brain develops. Children with larger amygdalas may have a more difficult time with emotion regulation, which is a key factor in the development of attention and self-control.
Long-Term Health
Research has well-established that children growing up in an environment of low socioeconomic status (SES) are at higher risk for numerous health problems. Although part of the reason for this is obvious (e.g., less access to health care and healthy food), another big factor is stress. Kids growing up in a low SES environment typically encounter a great deal of stress and this stress detrimentally affects their health.This stress also makes it very difficult for parents in a low SES environment to parent sensitively. The good news, however, is that those children whose parents are able to maintain a sensitive, attentive environment reap wonderful long-term benefits. New research is showing that sensitive parenting actually buffers the negative effects of low SES to the point that it's even more beneficial for some health factors that moving up the SES ladder. Turns out the old saying, "You can't buy love" is more true than we realized.
So with all these positive benefits of sensitive parenting, you may wonder what "sensitive parenting" really means. Contrary to what some may think, sensitive parenting does not mean giving in to your child's every whim or not enforcing rules. Sensitive parenting is often called authoritative parenting. This approach to parenting involves setting firm boundaries but also emphasizes explaining the reason for rules and meeting children's emotional needs. This type of parenting is in contrast to permissive and authoritarian parenting approaches. These parenting styles were originally categorized by researcher Diane Baumrind over 40 years ago and they still have relevance today. As you may have guessed, permissive parents fail to set limits or boundaries on their child's behavior. On the other end of the spectrum, authoritarian parents run their homes like a dictator and expect children to obey strict rules with little emotional support or explanation. Based on these categories, it is easy to see why authoritative parenting is associated with the best emotional and physical outcomes for children. It serves as a middle ground between being too permissive and overly strict. In this environment, children come to know what is expected of them but are also given the emotional support, empathy, and skills to meet these expectations.
Now this is not to say that an authoritative parenting approach is easy. As is often the case, the middle approach between two extreme ends of a spectrum is the most difficult. Sometimes it may seem easier to give up and just let your child do whatever they like or bear down and insist on blind obedience. As we have seen with recent research, however, by sticking with authoritative parenting your children will ultimately reap the greatest benefits.

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Understanding Bullying: The Who, What, Where, When and Why of Aggression Among Today’s Kids and Teens

2012-01-09T08:29:00.001-05:00

The bullies of today look, sound, and act differently from the bullies of your own youth. Round-the-clock internet availability and 24/7 cell phone access have revolutionized the way today’s kids communicate while at the same time making it more difficult for helpful adults to be aware of when bullying is occurring. In order for parents to be able to help their kids cope with bullying experiences, it is critical that they have a clear and up-to-date understanding of what a bully looks, sounds, and acts like.

What is Bullying?

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bully behavior takes many forms, from the “traditional” hitting, threatening, and stealing lunch money to what experts now recognize as “relational aggression,” which includes social exclusion, rumor-spreading, and using friendship as a weapon.

Who is bullied?

It’s estimated that nearly one in three children are involved in bullying, as victims, perpetrators, or both—that’s approximately 5.7 million children each year in the United States. Bullies typically select targets that are unlikely to assert their rights and stand up for themselves. Studies show that children who are overweight, gay, or have disabilities (both physical and learning) are bullied at even higher rates.

Where does bullying take place?

Traditionally, bullying centered in school settings, where kids had personal interactions throughout the academic day. Today, internet access, social networking, video sharing sites, cell phones and text messaging have completely altered the landscape of bullying. No longer limited to face-to-face interactions, bullies can act out their aggression without having to look their victims in the eye. This wide-open access has made bullying more cruel and relentless than ever before.

When does bullying occur?

Likewise, bullying is no longer limited to the school day. Today, kids can’t rely on their homes as safe havens from bullying, when technology allows for 24/7 interactions. For those who are targeted by cruel peers, it can seem as if there is no escape from cruel teasing, taunting, and texting.

Why do people bully?

Bullies victimize others in order to gain power and control for themselves. Their tactics cause their targets to feel the opposite way: alone and powerless. Bullies are often people who feel very angry on the inside and have learned to express their feelings by lashing out and making others feel powerless.

Signe Whitson, LSW is a child and adolescent therapist and national presenter on topics related to bullying, anger management, and child mental health. She is the author of Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Aged 5-11 to Cope with Bullying and How to Be Angry: An Assertive Anger Expression Group Guide for Kids and Teens.

For more information on helping your child handle bullying effectively, please visit Signe's website at www.signewhitson.com, Like her on Facebook, or Follow her on Twitter @SigneWhitson.

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The Importance Of Individual Time With Your Kids

2012-01-06T12:22:00.000-05:00

My son had a rare opportunity recently to make some money. He participated in a fundraiser and won some gift cards for being the top seller and he got to do a game study for cash. I wondered what he would do with it and he said, "Mom, I want to take you out for the whole day."

It was such a wonderful experience! Why would a 12-year-old want to take his mom out? Because in our family, spending quality time with Mom or Dad is our kids' favorite thing to do. We usually alternate which child gets to stay up with us on a Friday or Saturday night and we do an activity of their choice, usually watching a movie. Over Winter break, one of my sons asked me to do a 500 piece puzzle with him. Other times we have bonus nights for whoever is on their best behavior. I've never seen them so well behaved! I took each of them out on a date not too long ago and wish it were something I could do more often.

When my husband was growing up, they also rotated who got to stay up later than the rest of the kids. It was part of their Family Home Evening chart - a night where LDS families gather weekly to have a lesson, treat, prayer, etc. One child would be in charge of the treat, another gave the lesson, but the most sought after spots were "Talk Time With Mom" and "Talk Time With Dad". They got to stay up just a little bit later and have individual time with their parents.

In my family, my mom would choose someone to make her bi-monthly trip to the Commissary with her. It was about a 45 minute drive out to the base and she would buy us some hot chocolate and a doughnut from Winchell's. It didn't cost much, but the opportunity to talk to her about whatever I wanted meant the world to me. It was also a good lesson on how to grocery shop. She explained why we got our frozen food last, but making sure to put the bread on top so it didn't get squished. Sometimes she even needed me to push my own cart. I felt so helpful!

I highly recommend scheduling regular individual time with your children. They will love it and it will improve your relationship.

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What Parents Can Do About Mean Girls

2012-01-02T17:20:00.000-05:00

The world of little girls begins as such a lovely place. Heart and rainbow doodles adorn notebook covers, best friendships are formed within seconds, and bold, exuberant voices carry squeals of carefree laughter and brazen delight. Happiness is worn on a sleeve and anger is voiced with authentic candor. Length-of-stay in this accepting, kindly world is time-limited for many girls, however. Seemingly overnight, sweet sentiments like, "I love your dress," turn into thinly-veiled criticisms such as, "Why are you wearing that dress?" Yesterday's celebratory birthday party becomes today's tool of exclusion, as guest lists are used to enforce social hierarchies. Long before most school programs begin anti-bullying campaigns, young girls get a full education in social aggression.

What can parents do to help their daughters cope with inevitable experiences of girl bullying?

When Your Child is Bullied
To be forewarned is to be forearmed; when parents know what to look for when it comes to methods of girl bullying, they are in the best position to help their daughters cope with it. Be on the alert for these telltale signs of relational aggression among girls such as:

• Leaving girls out of parties and play dates
• Starting rumors and spreading gossip
• Giving girls the "silent treatment"
• Threatening to take away friendship ("I won't be your friend anymore if...")
• Forming "clubs" to include some kids and make others feel left out.
• "Forgetting" to save a seat
• Saying something mean and then following it with "just joking" to try to avoid blame.
• Using social media and technology to send cruel, embarrassing, humiliating messages

Encouraging girls to talk about their experiences with friends (and frenemies) is important. Sadly, many young girls choose not to tell their parents when they have been bullied because experiences of social exclusion are so humiliating and painful. Parents can encourage their daughters to talk about bullying through frequent, casual conversations about peer relationships.

Low intensity conversations during the good times provide girls with a foundation of trust that makes it easier for them to open up to parents about struggles. Open-ended questions (e.g. What do the girls at your school fight about? What kinds of words do kids use to hurt each other?) are a great way to encourage dialogue and convey your genuine interest in your daughter's experiences and point of view.

Just as important as starting the conversation is being prepared to listen to any answers that you receive. Even if you think you've been there, done that, and heard it all, it can still be surprising how harsh girls' language is, even at young ages. When your daughter realizes that you will listen without judgment, she is more likely to continue opening up about her life.

When Your Child is the Bully
We all want to believe that our daughter would never act like a bully. Clinging to this belief, however, prevents parents from engaging in important prevention discussions and/or confronting bullying behavior when it does occur. During the early school years, parents are in an ideal position to shape their daughter's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors about friendships.

When parents talk with their kids about bullying and make it clear that this type of behavior will never be acceptable, they communicate important values and standards. What's more, when their daughter does eventually follow the lead of a mean girl and start a rumor or use silence as a weapon, the parent can refer back to the conversation about how to treat others and use logical consequences to convey that the bullying will not be tolerated.

When Your Child is a Bystander
Teaching girls to be (s)heroes to their friends who are being bullied can be a real challenge for parents. Many young girls know that bullying is wrong when they see it, but they worry about what might happen to them if they intervene. Parents can play a key role in transforming little bystanders into proud heroes by teaching their daughters that it is never okay to do nothing about bullying. Girls who are given skills for intervening before, during, and after a bullying situation, are gifted with the values and courage that prepare them for a lifetime of forging real, healthy friendships.

Should I or Shouldn't I?
Parents often struggle with the question of, "Should I intervene in my daughter's friendship problems?" The line between helicopter and hands-off parenting can get confusing, as adults waver between wanting to protect their daughters from any kind of hurt and believing that girl fighting is an inevitable rite of passage. The bottom line is this: young girls need skills for handling friendship dilemmas and they need a parent's help to do it. When parents understand what girl bullying is all about and give their daughters opportunities to talk about it, they are in the best position to teach her enduring skills for healthy friendship development.

This article contains excerpts from Signe's book Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Aged 5-11 to Cope with Bullying. For more tips on helping girls handle bullying, please visit www.signewhitson.com, "Like" Signe on Facebook, or follow her on Twitter @SigneWhitson.

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5 Tips to help an Older Sibling Adjust when New Baby Comes Home

2011-12-20T09:49:00.000-05:00

By: Dyan Eybergen

When you're used to being King or Queen of the castle, it can be hard for a child of any age to share his/her space...and mom and dad...with a newborn. Jealousy will often rear its ugly head no matter what parents did to prepare their child for the birth of a sibling.

Here are some tips that will help older children transition, and adjust after the new baby is born:

When visitors come to "ooh" and "ahh" over the baby, ask your older child to introduce his/her sibling. Older children will take much pride in being the one to show off the new addition to the family.

Ask relatives who are likely to bring a gift for the baby to also bring something for your older child in celebration of his/her new status as big brother/sister (it doesn't have to be an expensive gift, it's the acknowledgment that is important).

Give your older child the responsibility for certain baby-care activities: replenishing the diaper bag with diapers; washing the baby's toes while you hold baby in the bath; sprinkling powder on baby after bath time, sing to baby before settling to sleep, etc.

Create a "feeding basket" where every morning you and your older child stock the basket with a snack, a beverage, some books, a puzzle and whatever else your child might be interested in. During those times when you have to feed the baby, ask your older child to get the "feeding basket" and come and join you and babe. This way, your older child will have everything on hand and will not have to clamour for your attention to get him/her a drink or snack or play a game. Your older child can sit with you while you feed and you can read, help with mastery over a puzzle or just enjoy chit chat during the feeding of baby.

Carve out some special mommy or daddy time with your older child for at least 20 minutes a day where you can sit down just the two of you and engage in some quality play without baby around. If it's dad's special time with the eldest child, then mom is taking care of babe and vice verse. Older children need to feel like they still "belong" to their parents and that baby hasn't come to replace them in all the ways they use to recieve attention from you.

Older children will usually revert to a previous stage of development after baby comes home from hospital.This is not atypical and is usually quite self limiting if parents help to transition and make the experience of adjustment to the new baby positive for the older child. View any misbehaviour or demonstrations of jealously from the older child's perspective. Change is hard for everyone. Compassion and understanding will help older siblings adapt to the new situation and ground their sense of belonging to the family by adding the role of big brother/sister to their identity within the family unit.

Christmas is what you make of it

2011-12-20T00:16:00.000-05:00

Did you know Christmas is what you make of it? It really is.

Are you going to be grateful for gifts you receive, or are you going to be left wanting more? Are you standing in lines complaining about how the cashier is making conversation with the customers, or are you striking up conversations with people next to you?

It's all about perspective and how you want to perceive your Christmas holidays. You can make them how you want to be, just choose.

As a way of helping you make the most out of Christmas, the Manitoba Association of Home Economists has come up with a list of 50 activities that you can do with your family over the holidays.

Enjoy the holidays!

Written by:

Josh Lockhart
.....is Locking Hearts Together
lockingheartstogether.blogspot.com

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Parenting in the Digital Age: New Mothers and Media Use

2011-12-15T10:58:00.000-05:00

If you are an avid blog reader like myself, you are probably aware of the numerous blogs out there written by mothers. These so-called "mommy blogs" have received quite a lot of media attention in recent years as their numbers and prominence has grown. Many of these blogs are authored by moms who do not work outside the home, or if so, part-time. Although these types of blogs have become quite common, scholars have conducted little research to examine the role blogging may play in the social and parenting aspects of these mothers' lives.
That's why I was so excited when I recently read a new study that considers just this issue. The study included 157 new mothers and examined whether blogging and social networking was related to mothers' feelings of social support. The authors hypothesized that greater social support would be associated with better outcomes for moms in a number of areas such as marital satisfaction, parenting stress, and depression. The results of the study were quite revealing about the media use of new mothers:
- On average these mothers reported using the Internet about 3 hours per day
- A majority of the mothers (76%) read blogs at least sometimes, and over half (61%) authored their own blogs
- When asked why they blog, most mothers reported it was either (1) "document personal experiences and share them with others" or (2) "to stay in touch with friends and family"
Perhaps most interesting, however, were the results concerning the role of blogging and social networking in mothers' feelings of social support and well-being. Here are a few highlights:
- The greater frequency with which the mothers reported blogging was associated with greater feelings of connection with family and friends
- Not surprisingly, feeling more connected with family and friends was associated with greater social support
- Mothers' feelings of social support were related to several positive personal outcomes including greater satisfaction with their marriage, less marital conflict, and less parenting stress
- Although depressive feelings were not directly related to mothers' social support, there was an association between social support and depression via parenting stress. In other words, greater social support may help reduce parenting stress, which in turn, relates to fewer depressive feelings.
- In contrast to blogging, social networking (i.e., Facebook and MySpace) was not associated with greater feelings of connectedness or social support
Although much more research needs to be done on this topic, this study is a great first foray into this emerging area of study. As a mother involved in blogging myself I have seen what a great outlet it can be. In generations past, new mothers were often surrounded by numerous family members (aunts, grandmothers, sisters) with young children or those with child rearing experience. Today this is not as common in our mobile society where we are often separated from family and neighborhoods may be isolating. As a new parent, it is often difficult to leave the house often with a newborn, so blogging provides an outlet to social interaction without having to leave home.
Other components of blogging not examined in this study are the intellectual and financial benefits. Although many "mommy blogs" focus on the parenting and day-to-day experiences of the author, others have a more topic-based theme. Some may focus on parenting research, cooking, or health and wellness. These types of blogs undoubtedly provide the mom/author with not only a social outlet but also an intellectual one as well. Topic-based blogs often require the author to research, write, and possibly even coordinate with other bloggers in the field to promote their area of interest. These blogs, as well as more entrepreneurial blogs (i.e., product reviews and sponsorship) also may provide some moms with the potential for financial gain. Although it is uncommon for blogs to generate large income, a few authors have turned their "mom blogs" into at-home businesses and even attracted enough attention to receive offers to write books or print articles.
In sum, it is refreshing to see a topic so relevant to many new mothers being the topic of academic research. This study provided useful initial insight into the important role that blogging and online interaction may play in the social lives and well-being of mothers. Let's hope that other scholars take note and continue this interesting research.

McDaniel BT, Coyne SM, & Holmes EK (2011). New Mothers and Media Use: Associations Between Blogging, Social Networking, and Maternal Well-Being. Maternal and child health journal PMID: 22094592

Photo credit

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Yoga: The New Way for Teens to Beat Stress

2011-12-12T19:46:00.004-05:00

By: Dyan Eybergen

There have never been any quick fix solutions to dealing with the pressures of a teens life: peer pressure, competition, the search for independence and belonging, school, hormones, family conflict. For a large number of teens the anxiety evoked by everyday life can lead them down a path of sexual promiscuity and alcohol and drug abuse that affects their overall well-being, ultimately resulting in depression. Its not surprising to learn then, that suicide is the third leading cause of death among teens.

Yoga is a non-competitive activity that fosters an environment of calm and relaxation. It offers an opportunity to hush the busyness of the mind and calm stressful emotions. Through an introspective approach, yoga teaches teens about the power they have over their own thoughts and feelings. They learn that they are more than just their emotions and at the core of their very being, they have the ability to control and redirect the stress in their own lives.

Benefits of teen Yoga come in a variety of ways:

induces a feeling of relaxation giving the mind a break from worry
increases energy and focus
improves sleep
learned breathing and relaxation techniques transcend the Yoga studio where teens have less difficulty getting homework done and feel less stress during exams
improves physical fitness=increased confidence
discourages junk food eating
increases flexibility that protects joints from injury during other sports
builds self-awareness through understanding of the connection between mind and body=healthy self-esteem
improves digestion
boosts the immune system

Parents or teens looking for self soothing strategies to combat the pressure experienced by the turbulence of adolescence need only look up and find the nearest Yoga studio. A calming, centered milieu where physical movement and mental training combine offers a natural alternative to clinical approaches to managing stress in teens.

7 Skills for Teaching Your Child to Stand Up to Bullying

2011-12-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

The recent media attention on the epidemic of youth bullying in the United States brings to public awareness what most parents and school professionals know and live on a daily basis: kids can be brutal. Celebrities and professionals have boldly weighed in, in front of the cameras, saying, "This has to end!" And they are right. The question is: how will we end it?

While school policies focus on zero-tolerance and criminal penalties are wielded for some of the most egregious bullies, others know what coaches have been saying for years: the best offense is a good defense. Am I advocating revenge? Do I think the world is going to be changed by bullied kids uniting in retaliation against their tormenters? By no means! Rather, I take that old sports-ism to encourage parents to fortify their kids with specific skills that help young people stand-up for themselves and stop bullies in their tracks. In other words, I sadly don't hold out hope that the world is going to change for our kids. I optimistically do believe, however, that our kids can change their own world by developing a set of skills that makes bullying unrewarding.

Skill 1: Stay Connected

Bullies operate by making their victims feel alone and powerless. Children reclaim their power when they make and maintain connections with faithful friends and supportive adults.

Skill 2: Create Awareness

Sometimes kids feel like adults never do anything--so why even bother to tell them about incidence of bullying? While there are cases when adults fail to acknowledge the seriousness of a situation, it is more often the case that grown-ups are not aware of what is going on. Bullies use relational aggression to inflict their violence in subtle, socially acceptable ways that tend not to register on an adult's radar. Teach your child that it is her job to create awareness. Be clear in teaching kids that telling an adult about bullying is not a mark of cowardice, but rather a bold, powerful move.

Skill 3: Re-define Tattling

My daughter came to me yesterday, worried that if she told the bus driver about a boy who was teasing her, then she would be labeled as a "tattletale." I told her that this is exactly what the bully wanted her to think! Isolation is a bully's method of intimidation. In fact, it is only by telling an adult that kids can begin to re-balance the power dynamic. When a bully realizes that he will not be able to keep a victim isolated, he immediately begins to lose power.

Skill 4: Act Quickly

The longer a bully has power over a victim, the stronger the hold becomes. Oftentimes, bullying begins in a relatively mild form--name calling, teasing, or minor physical aggression. After the bully has tested the waters and confirmed that a victim is not going to tell and adult and stand up for his rights, the aggression worsens. Teach your child that taking action against the bully--and taking it sooner rather than later--is the best way to gain and retain power.

Skill 5: Respond Assertively

The more a bully thinks he can pick on a victim without a response, the more he will do it. That's why an assertive response is so effective in countering bullying. Kids who master the skills of assertiveness are comfortable in the middle ground between aggressive comebacks that up the ante for the next go-round, and passive responses that invite further abuse.

Skill 6: Use Simple, Unemotional Language

Assertive kids use simple, unemotional, direct language to let bullies know that they do not intend to be victimized. Why should you teach your child to use responses that are "unemotional?" Indications that a person can be emotionally impacted signal a bully that he will be able to wield power easily. By encouraging your child to respond without anger or fear, you teach her how to portray confidence. The bully, in turn, detects less potential for wielding control.

Skill 7: Use Body Language to Reinforce Words

When teaching your child the skills of assertive communication, it is helpful to practice using body language to reinforce words. Teach your child to employ these simple, non-verbal assertive strategies that indicate to a bully that your child means what she says:

• Maintain eye contact
• Keep your voice calm and even
• Stand an appropriate distance from the bully
• Use the bully's name when speaking to him

Teach your child that emotional non-verbals, such as looking away, raising her voice, or shrinking back are all dead giveaways that the bully has gotten to her.

The ideas included in this article are excerpted from Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Aged 5-11 to Cope with Bullying. For more information on helping girls handle bullying, please visit Signe at www.signewhitson.com, Like her on Facebook, or follow her on Twitter @SigneWhitson.

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The Balance Between Parenting and School

2011-12-10T10:39:00.001-05:00

Many people are now going to college and graduate school, while balancing their work and home lives. It is no surprise that many busy students are also parents. Some of these students are trying to get a masters degree online in order to get a promotion or better job with their company, or going back to school for enrichment. Being a parent on top of school means an increase in stress because of time fragmentation between child, partner and study demands.

Attempting to go to college while having children in the home is a challenge, but it can be done if one is diligent and intentional. Doing the following can help your life while in college go more smoothly:

Plan ahead. Know exactly when your childcare will be available and schedule classes for those times. Seek support and back up child care that you can call if your child has a day off from school, or if other issues arise. Keep in mind that your child's care and emotional health should take priority over school. Your child needs to know and feel that no matter what, his parent will be there for him.

Find a friend in class. If your child is ill or you have a parenting emergency, you will need to be able to call someone to get notes and assignments you may have missed. Be sure to return the favor for that person, or rotate with other parents in class. If you know ahead of time that you will be missing class, make sure that you speak with the professor to make him aware of your reasons.

Find family support. If you have family, be sure they are on board with this undertaking before you sign up for classes. Your children will have to understand that while you love them and you are there for them, some activities may need to be put on hold for a little while. Little league, youth soccer, or ballet may have to wait for a future date, or be done in the summer. Keep in mind that you cannot do everything all at the same time.

Use online classes when possible. Take advantage of any online degree offerings that your college may have. Although online classes still take quite a bit of time, you will be able to take a break to feed your children dinner or tuck them in at night. Some colleges even offer online graduate programs, so you can take post-grad courses from your home by using your computer.

Study with your children. If your children see you studying while they are doing their own homework, you will underscore the value of education for them. After dinner, you may want to establish a study hour, where every student in the family goes over their schoolwork. Your kids will be able to see that you have the discipline to sit down and study even when you do not feel like it because it is important.

Establish good study habits. Create a study routine and stick to it. Make sure that you are regularly setting aside time to do your work, even after the kids are in bed. It may be tempting to sit in front of the television after a long day, but your goals are more important than a TV show.

Be intentional and mindful with your time. Taking care of college, children, and work obligations can be exhausting, so cutting out time-wasters is vital. For awhile, things like Facebook or television should not be vying for your time. When you do have downtime, prioritize getting rest and doing enjoyable things that add value to your life.

It requires a delicate juggling act with constant adjustments to be able to complete a degree while parenting. Yet, with diligence and persistence, many students with children are successfully completing their courses of study. The most important thing is finding your own comfortable balance that fits best with your family structure.

This guest post was written by Anthony, who recently completed his graduate education in English Literature. A New Mexico native, he currently resides and writes in Seattle, Washington. He writes primarily about education, travel, literature, and American culture. Anthony currently writes for Online Graduate Programs.

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Thinner, Sexier, Hotter: 3 Ways to Help Your Daughter Resist Media Pressure

2011-12-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

How many times have you heard your daughter singing along to a popular song on the radio and innocently belting out the kind of lyrics that would otherwise get her sent to her room? In the moment, you believe (desperately want to believe!) that she is unaware of the innuendo and unaffected by its explicit content. But messages embedded in song lyrics, along with video imagery, and advertising influence do have an impact on the ways girls think about themselves and their relationships with others. Without having to resort to a full-on pop music ban or complete shunning of media, you can help your daughters-and other young girls-become aware of media messages that violate values and degrade girls:

Music Lyrics

The next time your daughter is singing along to a catchy tune with questionable lyrics, use the opportunity to ask her questions like:

• What do you like about his song?
• How do you feel when you listen to it?
• What is it about?
• Have you ever watched the music video for this song?
• Did the video storyline match the words?
• How did the video make you feel when you watched it?
• How were the actors/dancers in the video dressed?

Be sure to convey your genuine interest in her music and opinions rather than coming across as an interrogator. You will be walking a fine line between showing interest in her world and "judging" her taste in music. As long as you can resist the urge to lecture, there can be almost limitless potential for talking about pop music and videos of the day, from lead singers to their fashions, to the messages they are trying to convey, and so on. Let your daughter take the lead.

The goal of this conversation is not to condemn your daughter's taste in music and videos. Rather, asking her to evaluate the lyrics and video images can help her become a more informed consumer and better critical thinker when it comes to awareness of the media influences that surround her on a daily basis.

When young girls get in the habit of asking themselves questions about what they are hearing, seeing, dancing to day after day, and singing out loud, they develop a protective measure of insight and control over ubiquitous media messages -- rather than the other way around.

Models of Perfection

The next time you and your daughter are browsing magazines or watching entertainment news on TV, strike up a conversation about how popular advertisements and celebrity photos often bend the truth and trick consumer into seeing things that do not really exist.

Ready for a pop quiz? Ask your daughter to define the term "airbrushing." Explain the concept with the emphasis that some media images use airbrushing to trick girls into believing that "perfection" exists. Explain that when girls take in these messages without questioning them, they can begin to feel badly about themselves, worrying that they don't measure up to impossible standards.

To illustrate, check out the "Dove Evolution" video, available on YouTube or by typing "Dove Campaign for Real Beauty" into an online search engine. This brief clip shows the transformation of an everyday-looking woman into a billboard-ready supermodel. It can be a great discussion tool for showing young girls how it takes an army of professionals to transform one person into "model-readiness." What's more, even with a whole team of hair and make-up artists, the model still needs digital alteration before her image is projected to the world.

"Dove Evolution" is a great visual reminder for kids that seeing should never be believing when it comes to the images in the media. The most important takeaway point of this film and mother-daughter discussion is to encourage your child to feel good about exactly who she is and not to compare herself to media images that are neither real nor attainable (without a team of professionals and digital alteration.)

Clothing and Toys

Children and tweens are the target market for airbrushed images and sexualized products of all kinds, everyday. As way to create awareness in your impressionable youngster, set aside some time with your daughter to browse through store catalogs or walk through toy store aisles. Encourage her to take note of the types of outfits and toys that are available for kids her age. Ask her to share her thoughts on which items represent "real" girls engaged in everyday activities vs. which show girls in age-inappropriate outfits, wearing adult make-up, or doing things you couldn't imagine a girl your child's age doing. Tally the number of items that represent "real" girls versus those that represent unrealistic products for kids her age. How do the numbers compare? What does this tell her?

When your daughter has this interactive experience of seeing how kid-friendly "kid-products" actually are, she gains practice in becoming an engaged, critical thinker. What's more, she takes important steps to being an empowered consumer who can resist the pressures of unrealistic imagery.

The ideas included in this article are excerpted from Signe's book, Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Cope with Bullying,released November 15th! For more information on helping kids cope effectively with social media, music, advertising, and friendship pressures, visit Signe online at http://www.signewhitson.com/, “Like” her on Facebook or follow her on Twitter @SigneWhitson.

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Stocking Stuffers For Kids

2011-12-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, stocking stuffers are usually purchased last minute and the temptation to simply buy a bunch of candy to throw in there is great. This year, however; I have decided to commit myself to putting some more interesting things in the kids' stockings.

I look for ideas wherever I go and buy them a little bit at a time. There are also some traditional items my family always has:

Toothbrushes
Pez
Mini cereals
Juice or chocolate milk boxes

This year I thought it would be fun to make some personalized bookmarks for my kids. I used some scrapbook paper, a friend's laminator, letter stickers for their names, and a couple of other tools for rounding the corners and putting in a little metal ring where I attached some pretty ribbon. My kids are really into reading and I thought that might be special to them.

Here are some other ideas. I try to stick with things that are inexpensive, useful, and specifically not candy.

Festive pencils (I found some candy cane ones at my local craft shop)
Hair clips for girls
Tie tacks (Christmas will be on a Sunday this year, so this might get the kids more excited to go to church)
Packets of hot chocolate
Beef jerky sticks
Hotwheels
Chapstick
Glow sticks
Silly straws
Bubbles

Get creative and have fun! I hope you have a very Merry Christmas.

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What if all that’s left is what you are grateful for?

2011-11-22T01:02:00.001-05:00

With the season of Thanksgiving upon us, it is a wonderful time to reflect on the many reasons we should be grateful. Sometimes I think we don’t take seriously all of the things we can and should be grateful for. We state that we are “grateful” as if we are trying to win a Miss Universe pageant. It sounds corny and fluffy. We forget to encompass the grandness of what we are grateful for. What would you have tomorrow if you woke up with only what you are grateful for? What would be left in your home, life or planet?

Think of your relationships, your roles as a child, sibling, spouse and so on. Would any of them be with you? Would any of them want to be with you? Are you grateful to be a parent? To have those little heartwarming moments that only children can bring.

How about your home? You may not live in your dream home, but you do have a home, with electricity and running water. To many in the world, you are living in their dream home.

Think of the air that you breathe. The water that you drink. The sun that warms our planet. The shoes that are on your feet. The clothes that you wear. Everything that surrounds you. Do you take time to notice the small things in life?

What about all those machines in your home to simplify daily tasks? The water heater. The fridge. The dishwasher. The washing machine. The dryer. The vacuum. The microwave. The list could go on. With all of those machines, you can accomplish a lot in one day.

Just some food for thought for this year’s Thanksgiving. I am sure other things will come to your mind to be grateful for.

I am sometimes awestruck when I really ponder all the things that I should be grateful for. It makes me wonder how we in the Western World are some of the unhappiest on Earth, whereas some of the happiest people in the world come from small villages in Africa, where they don’t have nearly the same sort of wealth that we enjoy on a daily basis. Makes me wonder if we are actually grateful for what we have.

As the saying goes, you really don’t realize what you have until you lose it. Let’s make sure we count our blessings so, when we wake up, we have what we are grateful for.

Written by:

Josh Lockhart
.....is Locking Hearts Together
lockingheartstogether.blogspot.com

Originally published by the Battleford's News Optimist.

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Child Development Research: Is it Really Worth Your Time?

2011-11-17T08:18:00.000-05:00

In response to hearing reports of child development research reported in the news, I have heard some parents make comments along the lines of, "Duh, why do we need research to figure that out." I have at times felt the same way about some of the research I've read. These comments, however, do cause me to really consider why it is important that we, as parents, take the time to even glance at child development and parenting research. After all, don't parents know what's right for their child without reading what academics have to say? Having been trained in a university setting for several years, I often take for granted the value of academic research. This is lesson number one in graduate school--research is valuable. I still firmly believe this. So I thought I'd outline some of the reasons why I think it's still important to be aware of child development and parenting research even if it seems irrelevant.

1. My experience isn't your experience. That is, anecdotal evidence isn't reliable. Each of us has our own experience with our children that may be very different from someone else's experience. Oftentimes people read research findings and say, "Well, my kid doesn't do that" or "I tried that strategy with my kid and it didn't work." Implicit in those statements is the idea that since it doesn't apply to me, then it must not be true or valuable. To me, this is where research is very valuable. Research studies usually examine hundreds or thousands of individuals. In a sense, studies combine hundreds of individuals' stories to uncover the big picture of what the "average" individual looks like. If we solely rely on each individual's experience then we would be pulled in a hundred different directions as to what strategy might work or what behavior is "typical." Research helps us understand what strategy or treatment would work for most of the individuals. Of course, there are always individuals who vary from this but the research helps us know where to begin.

2. Anything could be true. It is human nature to make sense of information; to make it fit in neat little categories in our minds. This means that when we read something that sounds plausible we often (unknowingly) come up with reasons for why it might be true, especially if it seems like common sense. This reminds me of an exercise that we did in a psychology class once. The teacher handed out slips of paper that had "research findings" on them. Each student received one slip of paper and could not share it with their classmates. Unknown to the students was that some of the "findings" were real and some were completely bogus. Each student was asked to say if they thought the "finding" was true and if so, why they thought so. With very few exceptions, each student thought the "finding" was true and they had very coherent reasons why they thought it was a real research finding. This is all to say, that just because something sounds like common sense doesn't mean it really is. This is another reason why research is important. Research helps us test out ideas in a logical, scientific way so that we won't be easily swayed by ideas that sound good.

3. Kids (and parents) vary, but usually within a range. We all know that each child is an individual and that kids differ quite a bit from one another in their temperaments, personalities, behavior, etc. Any parent of multiple kids will tell you this is true. However, research helps us understand the range of this variation. This is helpful in a couple of ways. First, if my child is doing something I think is odd, I can look to research to know if this behavior is within the "range" of normal/average. If so, then as a parent I know I don't have to worry too much; other kids have gone through this too. On the other hand, it may also be helpful know if a child's behavior falls outside the range of "average" so that I, as a parent, can know how to respond or seek out help to understand why my child is behaving this way. This is not to say that every child has to be "typical" or "average" but it does help to know what the range is so that we have a context for understanding the child.

Becoming a parent myself has changed how I read and understand research. I definitely seek out research that has more direct, applicable findings. However, in some ways becoming a parent has strengthened my belief that research in child development and parenting is valuable. If I have a question about something my child is doing or how to react to a behavior, I know someone out there has probably done a study that addresses my question. Although the research may not give me some perfect answer or fail proof strategy, it does usually offer some insight into the situation and helps me understand my child's ever-developing mind.

Photo credit

Note: This article was originally published on The Thoughtful Parent and is reprinted here with permission from the author.

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Sticks and Stones: A Little Girl’s First Experience with Bullying

2011-11-14T18:17:00.001-05:00

My daughter had her first heartbreak at the tender age of four. During the first week of her preschool class, she met a little girl named Nikki and, as so charmingly happens at that age, the two became best friends within an instant. The girls bonded over their love of Disney’s High School Musical and anything to do with singing and dancing. They quickly became a package deal inside and out of the classroom, arranging lunchdates afterschool and playdates when school was not in session.

For a few weeks, all I heard was, “Nikki says this” and “Nikki likes that” and “Nikki told me I should do such and such.” I must admit I was a bit swept up in Nikki-fever as well, enjoying how much pleasure my daughter was taking from the friendship. Until the day it all ended.

On a brisk October day, my daughter experienced the cold, harshness of relational aggression—better known as bullying. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bully behavior takes many forms, from hitting, name calling, and teasing to social exclusion and rumor-spreading. These latter forms are termed relational aggression because of the way interpersonal relationships, most often among girls, are manipulated to settle grudges.

In my daughter’s case, relational aggression felt like a break-up…or more like getting dumped. The first incident I noticed, from my vantage point in the school hallway where parents wait to pick kids up from class, was Nikki shoving my daughter off of a chair. Heart in my throat and claws ready to scratch, I calmed as I watched their teacher walk over quickly. I could hear Nikki explain, “We were just playing,” which seemed to satisfy the teacher, especially at the end of the school day.

When I asked my daughter about what I saw, she seemed unhurt by the fall, but deeply pained by Nikki’s reported words from earlier in class that same day: “You’re not my best friend anymore.” Sting. The look in my daughter’s eyes hurt me more than I ever remember being hurt by any mean girl bully from my own youth. “What did your teacher say?” I asked. “She didn’t hear Nikki say it,” my daughter explained. For those keeping score, that’s Nikki 2, Teacher 0.

Relational aggression tends to occur under the radar of adult awareness. As a form of passive aggressive behavior, the kids who behave this way know how to mask their inner hostility with an outward smile. If questioned by an authority figure, they create plausible excuses for their behavior (e.g. “It was just a game,” or “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”) Relational aggression is carried out by kids who are cunning enough to behave in ways that are socially appropriate on the surface but searingly painful behind the scenes.

In older kids, social networking sites are a prime arena for relational aggression. 24/7 access to MySpace, Twitter, texting, and instant messaging gives bullies constant access and widespread audiences for spreading rumors, causing humiliation and, when necessary, innocently denying that they ever meant any harm.

In younger children, excluding phrases like, “You’re not my best friend anymore,” and “Only girls with long hair can sit here” are spoken quietly, with an angry smile, right under a teacher’s watchful nose.

The night after “the Nikki incidents,” I heard my daughter crying in her room. When I went to ask her what was wrong, she asked me in return, “Mama, how can I change to make Nikki like me again?” This occurred years ago now, and I tell you I still get tears in my eyes recalling the night. For anyone who says the problems of kids are insignificant, I assure you that the pain caused by bullying at any age is soul-crushing.

The good news is that children are resilient and can move on. The valuable thing my daughter took from having her heart broken by a “friend” so early on is that now, she is really good about picking genuinely nice kids to hang around with and she’s the first one at a friend’s side when they are being picked on or feeling down. I heard her explain to a peer the other day, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful about what you say.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Signe Whitson, LSW is the mother of two elementary school aged daughters, and the author of, Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Cope with Bullying, newly released November 15^th! Please visit www.signewhitson.com for information on her workshops and trainings for parents, professionals, and kids.

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Four Rules for Using Assertive Communication to Stand Up to Bullies

2011-11-07T10:25:00.002-05:00

As sure as kids go back to school each Fall in the U.S., bullying will be encountered in the classroom each school year. In these early days of Fall classes, would-be bullies are getting a feel for who they think might be an easy mark in the class. As the days wear on and a bully confirms that he or she can pick on specific classmates without their standing up for themselves, the bullying escalates.

Assertive responses are particularly effective in countering bullying because the child who masters this type of direct, emotionally-honest communication demonstrates that a bully’s attacks will be answered in a fair, but formidable way. Finding the initial target to be too powerful to provoke, the bully will most often move on.

Parents can teach their kids these four rules for using assertive communication to stand up to bullying behavior.

Rule 1: Don’t Go it Alone

A bully’s main strategy is to make a victim feel alone and powerless. The best way to counter a bully’s strategy is to tell a helpful adult about what is going on and ask for that adult’s support. When a bully realizes that he will not be able to keep a victim isolated—that the victim is strong enough to reach out and connect with others—the bully begins to lose power.

Sometimes adults fail to acknowledge the seriousness of bullying, but more often, grown-ups are not aware of what is going on. These days, bullies use the internet and other behind-the-scenes ways to hurt others that tend not to be noticed by adults. It is a kid’s job to create awareness in adults about bullying.

Rule 2: Don’t Wait!

Bullying usually begins in a relatively mild form—name calling, teasing, or minor physical aggression—then becomes more serious when the bully realizes that his victim is not going to stand up for himself. The longer a bully has power over a victim, the stronger the hold becomes.

Taking action against the bully—and taking it sooner rather than later—is the best way to gain and retain power.

Rule 3: Don’t Beat Around the Bush!

The more a bully thinks he can pick on a victim without a direct response, the more he will do it. Assertiveness is the essential middle ground between aggressive comebacks that invite further conflict and passive responses that allow personal boundaries to be violated. Simple, straightforward, unemotional responses are effective in standing up to bullies because they portray confidence.

Rule 4: Don’t Mix Signals!

Assertive responses combine the use of direct words with assertive body language and tone of voice. Use a calm, even tone of voice when talking to a bully, in order to show confidence. Stand an appropriate distance from the bully to demonstrate that you are not easily intimidated. Lastly, look a bully directly in the eye. Maintaining eye contact is a mark of emotionally honest and direct communication.

Signe Whitson, LSW is the author of How to Be Angry: An Assertive Anger Expression Group Guide for Kids and Teens and Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Aged 5-11 to Cope with Bullying, to be published in November 2011. This article features excerpts from both books. For more ideas on how to bullyproof your kids, please visit her website at www.signewhitson.com

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