Those stories are usually fiction — literally — and can make it difficult for many children, parents, foster-adoptive families, and family service professionals who see how deeply challenging this time of year can be for those around them. In a ten-years-long study published in 2020 by The Cornell Family Estrangement & Reconciliation Project found that 27% of Americans are estranged from at least one family member. The causes they identified include:

• Childhood problems like harsh parenting, parental favoritism, and divorce.
• Conflict over finances, inheritances, and business dealings.
• Tensions with in-laws.
• Disagreements over values, politics, religion, or other personal issues.
• Strains related to things like interracial dating or marriage.

For individuals with a history of trauma—or those caring for children who have experienced trauma—the holidays can amplify stress, grief, and unresolved emotions. Understanding these dynamics and approaching the season with a trauma-informed, stress-reducing lens can make a profound difference.

Why Holidays Can Trigger Trauma

Holidays often involve family gatherings, traditions, and sensory overload—all of which can activate old memories that trigger unexpected and often overwhelming physical and emotional reactions. Survivors of childhood dysfunction or trauma may experience increased anxiety when returning to the people and places their brains and bodies associate with past harm or conflict.

Common triggers include:

• Family dynamics and old roles resurfacing during gatherings
• Critical or dismissive comments, guilt trips, or pressure to meet expectations
• Sensory overload from lights, noise, crowds, and disrupted routines
• Emotional anniversaries—songs, smells, or traditions that evoke painful memories of loss or neglect

Collin’s (True) Story: Collin was only six-years-old when he found his mom overdosed in front of the Christmas tree. His mother lived but he doesn’t know where she is or if she’s alive. He’s been in six foster homes the past six years because every holiday season of all the reminders he sees of the worst day of his life. He suffers from developmental delays from early childhood trauma, including the ability to self-regulate his emotions, communicate with others, and understand others’ communication. As a result, his behavior offers the main clues to what’s happening inside. But to the non-trauma-informed eye he’s just a bad kid with bad behavior who blows up his placements, so they kick him out — every year for six years. This just compounds his feelings of worthlessness, rejection, and loss. He hates these holidays!

Grief and Ambiguous Loss During the Holidays

Grief during the holidays isn’t limited to missing loved ones who have died. Equally painful is ambiguous loss, which  occurs when a loved one is physically present but emotionally absent, or physically absent with uncertainty about their whereabouts or even whether they are alive. This type of grief lacks closure, making holidays especially difficult. Families may feel pressure to act happy while navigating deep sadness and frustration.

Collin’s New Family: Collin is happy to be with his future adoptive mom, Jane, but he still wishes he knew if his mom was alive or not. He attends his first holiday dinner with Jane’s family and friends. They are all nice, but they aren’t his mom, and he wonders what she’s doing today, if she’s alive.

Next to Collin sits Jane’s partner, James, who is staring across the table at his parents, who he’s grateful have lived to be a ripe old age, but he wonders how many more years he has with them. He wants to savor every second, but his father has dementia and the man he knew and loved is fading away, sometimes even forgetting who James is. He misses his dad — even though he’s sitting right across from him.

James’ father seems like he’s in his own world while his wife has plastered a fake smile on her face to mask her sadness at the impending losses she knows are coming: losing her lifelong partner and best friend, coming to terms with the need to move into a senior facility, and up the life they’ve built and all their independence. Everyone at this table is physically present, yet partially gone.

Holiday Gatherings: Navigating Family Dynamics

Family gatherings can be a source of joy—or stress. For those with relational trauma histories, gatherings may reopen old wounds or highlight broken relationships. Pressure to reconcile or maintain appearances can intensify feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy.

Tips for Emotional Safety:

• Set clear boundaries
• Plan exit strategies
• Limit exposure to harmful dynamics

Example of Anticipating Triggers: Maria sat in her car outside her parents’ house, gripping the steering wheel. The pushed the memories of her childhood Christmas mornings out of her mind, because they were filled with shouting and slammed doors. Her chest and stomach are tight and heavy. Although her family has reunited for the holiday to celebrate, it’s like a potential minefield of memories for her. Tony, Maria’s partner, felt torn about attending this party with Maria. Last year, her parents made disparaging remarks about their relationship, occupations, and decision to adopt children because Maria has miscarried so many times — including two Christmases ago. They both agree they can’t handle another blowup, so they’ve come up with a plan: they’ll attend for two hours and be ready to leave if tensions rise. They even have a non-verbal signal ready.

Trauma-Informed Strategies for Parents and Professionals

Everything described so far is likely to strike a chord with more people than it doesn’t. Chronic stress (in both adults and children) and adverse childhood experiences other than abuse and neglect can all affect the brain and body similarly to trauma. That’s why it’s helpful for everyone to be trauma-informed. Here are some helpful suggestions:

1. Prepare for Triggers: Identify likely stressors and plan coping strategies in advance.
2. Maintain Predictability: Keep routines consistent but not rigid, to reduce stress.
3. Create Choice Points: Offer options for participation and breaks.
4. Validate Feelings: Acknowledge emotions without judgment.
5. Honor Loss with Rituals: Use symbolic acts to remember those not present.
6. Practice Self-Care and Mindfulness: Encourage self-regulation techniques.

How Collin’s (New) Mom Helped Him Deprogram His Trigger Buttons: This story about Collin is true; I was coaching Jane and helping him get through the next Christmas holiday season was a goal we planned for in advance. She learned and taught Collin self-regulation skills, internal self-motivation, and quick code words and coping strategies. They practiced them over the summer and into the new school year.

The day after Halloween, Collin and Jane went shopping and were surprised to see all the Christmas trees and other holiday decorations had already been put on display. Collin started shaking and paced nervously as Jane tried to shop quickly. Jane offered him choices: “Would you like to help pick out your new jacket now or go home and come back later. We can also try to buy it online.” Later, when they were home, she talked to Collin about the upcoming holidays and what he could do when he feels sad or angry. They discussed whether he wanted to remember his mother and how he wanted to do that.

By anticipating the triggers the holiday season was likely to hold, they were able to build in predictability, choices, and rituals, to transform the holidays from being one long reminder of the worst day of his life to a reminder that he is now safe, secure, loved, and nurtured. He did make it through his first holiday season without blowing up his placement and is not in his forever family with Jane. Together, they have found ways to mourn his loss and find new meaning in his life with this new family.

As you go through this holiday season, be aware — empathetically, yet without taking on the sadness — that others may be experiencing grief, loss, separation, or trauma triggers. Be a calm presence and normalize complex emotions by allowing joy and sorrow can coexist. Prioritize safety, predictability, and emotional validation, especially with children. If old memories bring up old scars, create new traditions and honor the missing meaningfully.

Recommended Resources from the Relationship Toolshop® e-library (including Parents Toolshop® and Foster-Adoptive Parents Toolshop®)

Use Coupon Code “HOLIDAYGRIEF” (without the quotes) to get any or all of these free:

• “Parenting Through Grief”
  • Ebook:
  • Webinar
• “What about the Children? Supporting Foster-Adoptive Children Through Their Grief” Online Course
• “Trigger-Free Parenting: How Childhood Programming, Trauma and Toxic Stress Rewire the Body & Create Trigger Buttons” Free Online Course

Resources for Support

• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): https://www.nctsn.org
• Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them (Where Cornell published their study results.)
• The Center for Complicated Grief: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu
• Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss: https://www.ambiguousloss.com
• Child Welfare Information Gateway: https://www.childwelfare.gov
• SAMHSA Trauma and Violence Resources: https://www.samhsa.gov/trauma-violence

Research and Sources

• Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief.
• Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying: The Five Stages of Grief.
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network. Trauma-Informed Care Principles.
• SAMHSA. Trauma and Violence Resources.
• Columbia University Center for Complicated Grief. Research and Practice Guidelines.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator (and recipient of the 2024-25 “Outstanding FLE” international award), Certified Trauma Support Specialist, and one of the first to qualify as a Certified Family Life Coach at the Expert Level. She is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop®  and a top-rated speaker who has trained over 100,000 parents and professionals and has certified over 100 Parent’s Toolshop® trainers and coaches worldwide. She has 30 years of media experience, with over 300 appearances and serving as the Assistant Producer and On-air Parenting Expert of the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. She has created 100+ multimedia resources that support and educate parents from diverse backgrounds and needs, and other adults who live or work with children. You can find them at the award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

The study found that children who start using smartphones before the age of 13 experience worse mental health outcomes, including increased suicidal thoughts, aggression, and detachment from reality. Specifically, 48% of girls and 28% of boys who got phones before 13 reported suicidal thoughts. Factors contributing to these issues include social media, poor sleep, deteriorating family relationships, and cyberbullying.

HOW CAN SOCIAL MEDIA CAUSE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES?

For many years, Parents Toolshop® has been educating parents about the connection between technology, especially social media, and behavioral and mental health symptoms.

For example, the course, Social Media’s Effects on Parents and Children’s Mental Health, explains of the science of HOW screentime, especially social media, can impact the brain and body, specifically brain development, sleep cycles, digestion, and biochemical mood changes. Below is a summary of the key points with an infographic.

1. The brain (the ACC or Anterior Cingulate of the Cortex, to be specific) can’t tell the difference between a real and imagined event.
2. So, anytime the brain has a SIMULATED (imaginary) OR STIMULATED (real) STRESS REACTION, the MIND BELIEVES and the BODY REACTS as though it is in DANGER and MUST PROTECT ITSELF.
3. This causes the brain and body to go into dysregulation, which shows up as behaviors that are deemed problematic, such as tantrums, inability to control one’s thoughts, words, and actions, anxiety, aggression (fight), withdrawal (flight), and cognitive or bodily functions can freeze up.
4. When STRESS REACTIONS ARE REPEATEDLY STIMULATED, they start to rewire the nervous system and body, which can show up as problematic mental and physical health symptoms.

Of course, it matters WHAT children (and adults) are watching as well as WHEN and HOW LONG. The brain creates biochemicals of emotions based on what you think when you are watching, so watching happy puppies playing is likely to make you feel happy, calm, and relaxed, which produces biochemicals that are healing and healthy. If you watch them before bedtime, you still might have difficulty sleeping due to the screen light so close to bedtime.

The brain and body are designed to handle about 20 minutes of tolerable stress.
Any more than this and the biochemicals of stress can become toxic.

Examples include:

• Being around a negative person for long periods, like a boss, spouse, or parent.
• Being around an unpredictably aggressive or abusive person, you have to stay “on guard.”
• Repeatedly watching scary, stressful, or stimulating images for more than 20 minutes.

This applies to adults, too! Between 2021 and 2024, the U.S. Surgeon General published at least seven advisories or warnings about issues affecting families, particularly children and parents. He has said there is an “epidemic of loneliness and isolation,” contributing to “alarming increases in youth mental health challenges” and “dangerous” levels of parental stress. (See citations at the end.)

The same month, the CDC published an alarming study on teen screen time. Parents Toolshop® translates research into practice by offering articles and webinars that make complex concepts easy to understand and provide practical tools you can use every day.

For example, see these Parents Toolshop® courses:

• Social Media’s Effects on Parents and Children’s Mental Health (6/2023)
• Discussion: Surgeon General’s Warning about “Dangerous Levels of Parental Stress” (10/2024)
• Discuss the CDC’s Study on Teen Screen Time (10/2024)

WHAT IF YOU ARE ALREADY SEEING SIGNS OF SOCIAL MEDIA STRESS?

First, recognize the signs of stress in children, because they share symptoms with — and therefore often get misdiagnosed as — disorders such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), anxiety, depression, mood disorders, dissociation, PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), and more!

• See the Parents Toolshop® course featuring David Zidar, LISW-S, on The Connection Between Trauma and Children’s Mental Health.

Next, break the cycle. Children need to break up their screen time with other healthy activities, such as:

• Playing outside to get fresh air and being physically active.
• Playing and or socializing with other children.
• Reading books or doing puzzles (not always on a screen)
• BTW, these are all great activities for adults, too, to maintain good brain and body health (“motion is lotion” for the joints).

• See more ideas in our article How to Get Kids to Turn Screens Off and Turn On to Life

TIPS FOR PARENTS AND FAMILY TIME AND RULES

Balance is the key — and Parent’s Toolshop® has been teaching a “Balanced parenting style” since it first coined the term in the first edition of The Parents Toolshop® book published in 1995.

• Get the 25th anniversary edition on Amazon and Kindle and leave a review.

As new research has come out over the past 30 years, it has validated what The Parent’s Toolshop® teaches. (We’ve only had to change one word and one sentence in the 456-page book!)

This shows us, as the article “The NeXt GenerationZ Parents” says,

“The world is different than when you were a child, but children haven’t really changed
and neither has what research shows is effective for parents to do
to raise healthy, resilient, self-sufficient, self-motivated adults.”

Parents Toolshop® has been supporting parents for decades, generation after generation, with timeless practical tools that work with all children, that you can apply to your situation and child. So as the world changes, you can consistently parent your child in effective ways.

In our training and resources, we always share helpful resources we’ve vetted for you in advance. On this topic, we recommend you check out the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended family media plan and the “5 C’s of Media Use.” Parents Toolshop® has been teaching these ideas for many years, so check out some of the recommended resources for each of their tips:

1. Child: Understand your child’s interests and how screens and online content affect them, their moods, their sleep cycles. Identify what they like and why they engage with their screens, then brainstorm ways they can meet that purpose through healthier means.
   • See the one-hour course, Social Media’s Effects on Parents and Children’s Mental Health.

2. Calm: which Parents Toolshop® has been teaching for many years, just not in that “model.” Screen-based media often stimulates and simulates images and reactions that activate the stress response. Stress responses pause the growth and development process in children and can change their baseline level of “calm.” So children need to learn how to self-regulate their emotions and biological reactions to this stress.

• Parents Toolshop® offers a constantly-updated list of resources to help you learn more about stress, trauma, and how to teach children these skills. The first two sections list dozens of resources adults can use to teach children emotional self-regulation skills, so they can calm down when they experience symptoms of stress. The third section has links to resources to educate adults, both parents and professionals, about concepts such mentioned here and topics far deeper and more advanced than we can explore in this article, such as trauma.

• If a child’s brain and body have already become rewired to be stressed and/or you are already seeing these warning signs, then have children practice those self-regulation skills regularly, even when they aren’t stressed, so their body can experience calm on a repetitive basis. This breaks the cycle of stress and as the body has opportunities to relax it can start to heal. (There are more trauma-healing techniques in the resource list just mentioned.)

3. Crowding Out (balancing activities): About 10 years ago, Parents Toolshop’s articles about family stress focused on issues like too many extracurricular activities! Today, especially post-pandemic, many parents wish their children would get out and do more! This is just one example of the challenges today’s parents face. There are so many online sources competing for your and your children’s attention that it can be easy to just sit around engaging in the constant stream of input. This isn’t healthy though. Setting limits on time and making sure every family member is getting up, moving, getting outside, and socializing with others are all important.

4. Communication: Beyond setting rules, you want to be engaged with your children around their media use. You want to have open, frequent conversations, taking an interest in what they are learning and seeing.
5. Get more practical suggestions in these Parents Toolshop® courses:
   1. Heartful Communication: Making Your Point without Pointing a Finger or Laying on Guilt
   1. “Parenting Digital Natives: Using Technology Safely, Amy Alamar, PhD, shares great tips on all these issues.

5. Content: In addition to limiting the quantity of time your children are online, you also want to focus on the quality of what images and words are getting transmitted into their receptive brains. As their parent, you have the right to filter what they world is saying and help interpret it through your rules and values. So, the same course recommended above also offers ideas for establishing a family media plan that includes tips for how parents can help children avoid inappropriate material.

REFERENCES

(Listed in the order they appear in the article.)

1. Dube, S., Ahmed, S., & Siddiqui, A. (2025). Smartphones not safe for preteens? A deep dive into mental health risks. Journal of Children and Media, 19(3), 215–229. https://doi.org/10.1080/19452829.2025.2518313
2. ABC News. (2025, July 21). New report on mental health risks for kids with phones at young age [Video]. Good Morning America. https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Family/video/new-report-mental-health-risks-kids-phones-age-123920766
3. LaMotte, S. (2025, July 21). Smartphones not safe for preteens, new research suggests. CNN Health. https://www.cnn.com/2025/07/21/health/smartphones-not-safe-preteens-wellness
4. Scripps News. (2025, July 21). Study warns about significant mental health risks of giving smartphones to pre-teens. https://www.scrippsnews.com/science-and-tech/study-warns-about-significant-mental-health-risks-of-giving-smartphones-to-pre-teens
5. Murthy, V. (2021). Youth mental health: Current priorities of the U.S. Surgeon General. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-youth-mental-health-advisory.pdf
6. Murthy, V. (2023a, May 3). New Surgeon General advisory raises alarm about the devastating impact of the epidemic of loneliness and isolation in the United States. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
7. Murthy, V. (2023b, May 23). Surgeon General issues new advisory about effects social media use has on youth mental health. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html
8. Advisory PDF: https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/sg-youth-mental-health-social-media-advisory.pdf
9. Murthy, V. (2024a, June 17). Why I’m calling for a warning label on social media platforms. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/17/opinion/social-media-health-warning.html
10. Murthy, V. (2024b, August 7). Youth mental health—Current priorities of the U.S. Surgeon General. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/youth-mental-health/index.html
11. Murthy, V. (2024c, August 14). Parental mental health & well-being. U.S. Public Health Service. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/parents-under-pressure.pdf
12. Pawel, J. J. (2023, June). Social media’s effects on parents and children’s mental health. Relationship Toolshop® . https://relationshiptoolshop.podia.com/sm-mh-jjp
13. Pawel, J. J. (2024, October). Discussion: Surgeon General’s warning about “dangerous levels of parental stress.” Relationship Toolshop® . https://relationshiptoolshop.podia.com/discussion-surgeon-general-warning-parental-stress
14. Pawel, J. J. (2024, October). Discuss the CDC’s study on teen screen time. Relationship Toolshop® . https://relationshiptoolshop.podia.com/ptt-cdc-jjp
15. Zidar, D. (2024, July). The connection between trauma and children’s mental health [Webinar]. Relationship Toolshop® . https://relationshiptoolshop.podia.com/faptt-zidar-trauma-mh
16. Pawel, J. J. (2023, April 20). How to get kids to turn screens off and turn on to life. Parents Toolshop® . https://parentstoolshop.com/how-to-get-kids-to-turn-screens-off/
17. Pawel, J. J. (2023). The Parents Toolshop® : The Universal Blueprint® for building a healthy family (25th anniversary ed.). Relationship Toolshop® , Ambris Publishing. https://www.amazon.com/Parents-Toolshop-Universal-Blueprint-Building/dp/1929643349
18. Pawel, J. J. (2023, December 27). The NeXt GenerationZ Parents. Parents Toolshop® . https://parentstoolshop.com/next-genz-parents/
19. American Academy of Pediatrics. (n.d.). 5 C’s of media use. Center of Excellence on Social Media and Youth Mental Health. https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/media-and-children/center-of-excellence-on-social-media-and-youth-mental-health/5cs-of-media-use/
20. Pawel, J. J. (n.d.). FREE resources for teaching/learning mindfulness & anger/stress management skills [Google doc]. Parents Toolshop® . https://parentstoolshop.com/keep-kids-cool
21. Pawel, J. J. (2024, January). Teaching children anger & stress management [Online course]. Relationship Toolshop® . https://relationshiptoolshop.podia.com/keep-kids-cool-replay
22. Pawel, J. J. (2023, June 18). How Can My Children Do Extra-Curricular Activities Without Creating More Family Stress?. Parents Toolshop® . https://parentstoolshop.com/family-stress/
23. Pawel, J. J. (2023, February). Heartful communication: Making your point without pointing a finger or laying on guilt [Webinar]. Relationship Toolshop® . https://relationshiptoolshop.podia.com/ptt-communication-pawel
24. Alamar, A. (2021, February). Parenting digital natives: Using technology safely [Webinar]. Relationship Toolshop® . https://relationshiptoolshop.podia.com/ptt-screentime-alamar

FOR MORE INFORMATION:

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator (and recipient of the 2024-25 “Outstanding FLE” international award), Certified Trauma Support Specialist, and one of the first to qualify as a Certified Family Life Coach at the Expert Level. She is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop®  and a top-rated speaker who has trained over 100,000 parents and professionals and has certified over 100 Parent’s Toolshop® trainers and coaches worldwide. She has 30 years of media experience, with over 300 appearances and serving as the Assistant Producer and On-air Parenting Expert of the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. She has created 100+ multimedia resources that support and educate parents from diverse backgrounds and needs, and other adults who live or work with children. You can find them at the award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

Tonya taps away at her laptop on the kitchen table, a cup of lukewarm coffee beside her while her toddler takes a nap. Tom juggles snack requests and household tasks between story time and meals. It’s a scene that plays out daily in the homes of parents who work from home or are full-time parents — intentionally creating a space filled with love, laughter, and the occasional chaos of raising young children.

Being with their children all day, they get to witness every milestone — from first steps to first words. Neither would trade a single sticky-fingered hug or toddler meltdown for anything. Being the primary caregivers during these precious early years is a conscious choice.

They sure are grateful because they sure aren’t wealthy. Tonya’s full-time job didn’t pay enough to afford day care and Tom’s wife’s job is enough to get them by if they sacrifice a few extras for a few years. It’s worth it to be there — and be present — not just for the big moments, but for all the little ones in between.

As happy as they are with their decision and have no regrets, the days can start to blend together. Without a break and some adult conversation, they feel alone, lonely, and crave the comradery and socialization of the jobs they willingly gave up. Eager to connect, they strike up conversations with other parents — at parks and playgrounds, both indoor and out.

They find themselves looking forward to reconnecting, so they start scheduling their outings, finding other parents with similar schedules and interests. Now, while the kids play, the grown-ups talk, laugh, and support one another. In these moments, Tonya and Tom rediscover something vital: connection is a necessity. It’s fuel — for their well-being, parenting, and sense of self.

 Human Connection is a Biological Necessity

An August 2022 Policy Statement by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluded that “Safe, Supportive Nurturing Relationships” (SSNRs) aren’t just nice to have—they’re a biological necessity[1]. They help children manage stress and boost resilience.

Research is quite clear that from infancy, interactions like responsive parenting and everyday social contacts help children’s brains develop and support their learning.[2] On the flip side, when children are isolated, it can raise their stress hormones (like cortisol), increase their chances of anxiety and depression, and lead to delays in skills like talking, socializing, and thinking[3].

It’s not that different for adults. Less social connection is tied to a variety of health problems at every age.[4]  Between 2021 and 2024, the U.S. Surgeon General issued at least seven advisories warning about what he called an “epidemic of loneliness and isolation.” He also issued warnings about “alarming increases in youth mental health challenges” and “dangerous” levels of parental stress.[5] Chronic or toxic stress is experienced by the body similarly to trauma[6] and often shows up as symptoms of physical and/or mental illness.[7]

Historically, There are More Parents At Home Today than in Previous Generations

I relate to both Tonya and Tom. Since my now-adult son was born, I’ve been a stay-at-home or work-from-home parent. During childbirth leave, I found support through a La Leche League group. As our kids weaned, we wanted to stay connected—and save our sanity. Everyone else lived in another town, so I called to take out a classified ad in my local newspaper. Apparently I was a novelty, because they wrote a full-page feature article instead!  The group took off, so I started a non-profit and helped launch similar groups nationwide.

At the time, most mothers worked outside the home, so even finding other stay-at-home moms was challenging; after all, we had no internet. We soon welcomed working moms who shared our values, and the organization thrived for 25 years. Shortly after our 30th anniversary, however, it dissolved—impacted by the rise of online networking, increased caution around “strangers,” and a general reluctance to volunteer. The pandemic followed shortly after, which the group wouldn’t have survived.

When our group began, stay-at-home dads were rare. But by 2023, one in five stay-at-home parents were fathers. The majority—79% of mothers and 23% of fathers—reported caregiving as their primary reason for staying home.[8]

Although research consistently shows that in-person socializing offers greater mental, emotional, and physical benefits than virtual interactions, local networking groups have declined as online connections have become easier—especially post-pandemic. People generally report feeling better after face-to-face interaction, but even online engagement improves wellbeing compared to isolation.[9]

Need for Support

While online socializing offers convenience, affordability, and accessibility, there are still compelling reasons to seek out in-person connections.

At-home parents feeling isolated and lonely are not pandemic-related issues; they are timeless, universal feelings almost all at-home parents experience. As far back as 1986, author Arlene Cardozo, in her book, Sequencing (New York: Atheneum, 1986)[10] said that the difficulties of adjusting to being at home are the following:

• Loss of identity,
• Loss of a system of rewards and
• Expectations, and loss of a community of co-workers

All except the last usually resolve during the first year of transition from career to home. Some women, she says, deal with these losses within themselves or have supportive extended family. Others seek out other women in similar circumstances for friendship, stimulating conversation, and networking.

At-home fathers face similar dynamics. Any parent who’s home full-time with children needs support. While many turn to their partners, no one person can—or should be expected to—meet all those emotional and practical needs.

Most stay-at-home parents come from careers where they learned skills like time management, delegation, and teamwork. They were used to support systems and professional networks. Now, they’re applying those same skills to their new full-time job: parenting.

Finding Other Stay-At-Home Parents

Today’s families often live far from relatives, and frequent moves make it hard to build lasting friendships. Grandparents are working longer and may not be nearby to offer hands-on help like a hug, a quick visit, or a trip to the park. They love their kids and grandkids, but they also want to be more than just free babysitters.

This lack of close family and friends can cause at-home parents to feel even more isolated, which causes loneliness to quickly develop. That’s why today’s at-home parents are making more efforts to create a circle of friends for themselves.

When families move, they often place high on their list of priorities finding a neighborhood where there will be other parents home during the days. Accomplishing this, though, may be quite a feat. Some parents visit prospective neighborhoods and parks during the day; they ask about other at-home parents at playgrounds, community centers, public schools, libraries, and preschools.

Some local organizations like churches and community centers are places parents can meet and network with one another. Some may even provide services such as workshops and family programs. Many times, parents will meet each other while participating in child-focused activities, like a weekly library event, and decide to get together again.

Today there are many online resources to find in-person family activities. The first place to start, aside from the places already mentioned, is your local newspaper’s “today’s events” section (which is always online these days).

Doing a quick search online for national organizations in the USA resulted in this nice list:

• MOMS Club: This is a large organization with local chapters across the country, offering support and activities specifically for at-home mothers. It’s the closest to what my non-profit was like.
• The National At-Home Dad Network: This organization focuses on providing support, camaraderie, and resources for stay-at-home fathers.
• Mocha Moms: This organization is focused on connecting mothers, particularly Black mothers, and offers a supportive community with a variety of activities.
• Meetup: This platform allows you to find local groups, including those focused on stay-at-home parents and families, which is where this link goes. Sign up for free and find other groups that meet in person.
• Parent to Parent USA: This organization connects parents of children with special needs, providing support and resources.

If you check out all these resources and just can’t find a local group, consider starting one! Unlike my struggle without the internet, for which I wrote my first manual called Shared Blessings, you can set up your own local event and list on Meetup or your local community event listings.

If you are an at-home parent, I “get” you. I’m “here” for you, and I totally support what you are doing.

References

[1] Garner, Andrew, and Michael Yogman. “Preventing Childhood Toxic Stress: Partnering with Families and Communities to Promote Relational Health.” Pediatrics, vol. 148, no. 2, 26 July 2021, p. e2021052582, https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2021-052582 .

[2] Ilyka, D., Johnson, M. H., & Lloyd-Fox, S. (2021). Infant social interactions and brain development: A systematic review. Neuroscience and biobehavioral reviews, 130, 448–469. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2021.09.001

[3] Almeida, I. L. L., Rego, J. F., Teixeira, A. C. G., & Moreira, M. R. (2021). Social isolation and its impact on child and adolescent development: a systematic review. Revista paulista de pediatria : orgao oficial da Sociedade de Pediatria de Sao Paulo, 40, e2020385. https://doi.org/10.1590/1984-0462/2022/40/2020385

[4] Xiong, Y., Hong, H., Liu, C., & Zhang, Y. Q. (2023). Social isolation and the brain: effects and mechanisms. Molecular psychiatry, 28(1), 191–201. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41380-022-01835-w

[5] Murthy, V. (2023, May 23). Surgeon general issues new advisory about effects social media use has on youth mental health. HHS.gov; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2023, May 23).https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html. Advisory: https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/sg-youth-mental-health-social-media-advisory.pdf.

Murthy, V. (2024, June 17). Opinion | Surgeon General: Why I’m Calling for a Warning Label on Social Media Platforms. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/17/opinion/social-media-health-warning.html

Murthy, V. (2024, August 7). Youth Mental Health—Current Priorities of the U.S. Surgeon General. (2024-08-07). www.hhs.gov. https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/youth-mental-health/index.html

Murthy, V. (2024, August 14). Parental Mental Health & Well-Being. HHS.gov. https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/parents/index.html. Opinion Essay: https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/parents-under-pressure.pdf

[6] Harvard University. (2024, December 16). What Are ACEs? And How o They Relate to Toxic Stress? Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/infographics/aces-and-toxic-stress-frequently-asked-questions/

[7] National Institute of Mental Health. (2024, May). Coping with Traumatic Events. Www.nimh.nih.gov. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/coping-with-traumatic-events

[8] Fry, R. (2023, August 3). Almost 1 in 5 stay-at-home parents in the U.S. are dads. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/08/03/almost-1-in-5-stay-at-home-parents-in-the-us-are-dads/

[9]   Seidman, G. (2022, September 6). How Do Digital and In-Person Interactions Affect Wellbeing? | Psychology Today. Www.psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/202209/how-do-digital-and-in-person-interactions-affect-wellbeing‌

[10] Sequencing: Cardoza, Arlene Rossen: 9780020422358: Amazon.com: Books. (2025). Amazon.com. https://www.amazon.com/Sequencing-Arlene-Rossen-Cardoza/dp/0020422350

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Certified World Class Speaker Coach, is one of the first Certified Family Life Coaches to qualify at the Expert Level, and received the 2024-25 Margaret E. Arcus Award for Outstanding Family Life Educator by the National Council on Family Relations. She is also the author of the award-winning book The Parent’s Toolshop® and over 100 research-based parenting curricula, programs, and resources. She’s a top-rated speaker who has trained over 100,000 parents and professionals and has certified over 100 Parent’s Toolshop® trainers and coaches worldwide. She serves as a parenting expert to the media, with 300+ media appearances, and was the Assistant Producer and On-air Parenting Expert of the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. Connect with her online on social media or use the “contact” pages at any of her websites or her e-library. A good place to start is https://RelationshipToolshop.com

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

Evidence-based parenting education has existed for generations, and research shows it can prevent and improve many problems families and society experience. Yet, many people don’t know that it exists or think it’s only for “bad” parents. They might think anyone can be a “parenting expert,” or that professionals like therapists and pediatricians have been trained in effective parenting skills. None of those are true!

Parenting is not a Matter of OPINION; it’s a Matter of SCIENCE!

What the Research Says About Parenting Education

For over 60 years—since the first formal parenting education program, Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.), was introduced in 1962—parenting education has been helping families thrive. Research shows that parenting education leads to:

Lower stress for parents. The U.S. Surgeon General recently warned that parents are facing “dangerous” levels of stress (2024). Studies show that parenting education helps parents feel more confident and supported (Wilder, 2016).

Better outcomes for children. Kids whose parents have access to parenting education demonstrate stronger social skills, better emotional regulation, and improved cognitive development (Am J Lifestyle Med. 2021, Cureus. 2022).

Safer communities. Parenting education has been linked to lower juvenile crime rates (Investing in Kids, 2023) and even reduced recidivism rates among incarcerated parents (Wilson et al., 2010).

Cost savings for society. Prevention programs that support parents early on reduce the need for costly interventions like foster care, incarceration, and intensive mental health treatment (Admin Policy Mental Health, 2020). Investing in parenting education now saves money later—while building stronger families in the process.

So Why Isn’t Parenting Education More Talked About?

If parenting education has so many benefits, why isn’t it more widely recognized or accessible?

Stigma: Many believe parenting classes are only for “bad parents” or have “bad kids,” but all parents benefit from learning new strategies and support.

Lack of Credentialing: Unlike therapists and social workers, parenting educators don’t have standardized credentials, which means unqualified influencers and self-proclaimed experts often spread misinformation.

Barriers to Becoming a Parenting Educator: Many passionate professionals struggle to make a career in this field because:

• There are few affordable and accessible college degree programs for parenting education.
• Most parenting programs rely on short-term grants, leading to low and inconsistent pay for educators.
• Insurance companies don’t cover parenting education, making it harder for families to access these services and for practitioners to be paid for their professional services.

Lack of training and education on parenting in family-related degree programs: Even professionals who serve parents—like pediatricians and therapists oftenaren’t trained in research-based effective parenting skills. Some don’t even know about the science of childhood trauma(Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, CDC & Kaiser Permanente, 1997) and chronic stress, the effects they have on the body. When the physical and behavioral symptoms show up, they often label them as mental health issues and treat them with medication without healing the underlying causes.

How You Can Help Advocate for Parenting Education

As parents, we have the power to change the conversation and make parenting education a normal and expected part of raising kids. Here’s how:

Talk About It – Share how parenting education has helped you or could help others. Let’s normalize learning and growing as parents!

Ask for It – Encourage schools, pediatricians, and community organizations to offer or promote research-backed parenting resources.

Support Policies That Fund Parenting Education – Many states are pushing for Medicaid coverage and better funding for parenting programs. Parents speaking up can make a difference!

Parenting is tough, but no one should have to figure it out alone. Let’s work together to make parenting education accessible, respected, and part of every parent’s journey.

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Watch a one-hour webinar with more details on these challenges and possible solutions, plus other issues directly impacting parents, like parenting misinformation and guidelines for recognizing quality advice and advisors. Just click HERE.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator (and recipient of the 2024 “Outstanding FLE” international award), Certified Trauma Support Specialist, and one of the first to qualify as a Certified Family Life Coach at the Expert Level. She is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop® and a top-rated speaker who has trained over 100,000 parents and professionals and has certified over 100 Parent’s Toolshop® trainers and coaches worldwide. She serves as a parenting expert to the media, with 300+ media appearances in the first year of the launch of her award-winning book The Parent’s Toolshop® and was the Assistant Producer and On-air Parenting Expert of the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. She has created 100+ multimedia resources that support and educate parents from diverse backgrounds and needs, and other adults who live or work with children. You can find them at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

Kimberly wants her children to be honest, but sometimes she accidentally models lying or responds to lies in ways that accidentally perpetuate the problem. For example, When a salesperson calls, Kimberly has her children tell them she is not home. When she’s at a restaurant, she lies about her children’s ages to let them eat off the kids menu. When she is given extra change, she keeps it. 

Kimberly is surprised when she finds out her older son has been lying to her about going to a friend’s house after school and instead has been riding his bike to the park to play soccer.

It was a fluke she even found out.  She had been at the dentist and she passed the park on her way home.  

Now Kimberly feels hurt and betrayed that her son would deliberately lie to her.  If he has been lying about this, what else has he been lying about?

o you ever wonder, “Why do children lie?” Especially when there seems to be no reason for them to lie?  To answer that question, you first need some insights about lying and some practical tips for preventing and responding to lies in ways that teach truthfulness.

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If you want more insights, specific information and practical tools to help you answer the question “Why do Children Lie,” you can get any of the following resources:

• A video recording of a one-hour webinar, with a certificate.
• A one hour audio recording of a lively discussion parents and professionals nationwide had on many thought-provoking issues related to lying.
• A two-hour video of a live trauma-informed training for foster-adoptive parents on how a child’s upbringing and stress or trauma impacts their development of truthfulness. Certificate available.

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Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is President of Parent’s Toolshop^® Consulting, where she oversees an international network of Toolshop^® trainers. For 30+ years, Jody has trained tens thousands of parents and family professionals worldwide through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and serving as the Co-Producer and Parenting Expert for the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. She is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop^® and countless multimedia resources that support and educate parents from diverse backgrounds and needs, and other adults who live or work with children. You can find them at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

Parenting is a lifelong journey of self-improvement. Our children teach us so much, just as did our parents. We have a daily decision to make, to unconsciously parent based on how we were parented, for better or worse, to wait for problems to arise and then react to them with trial and error, or to be consciously aware, proactive, intentional parents.

Intentional parenting involves becoming your own person as a parent, not just a mirror image that blindly duplicates your subconscious childhood programming, nor a shadow image of parents you think made mistakes, by becoming the opposite, which can be just as dark and result in even bigger mistakes.

Anytime you make a decision, take action, or react based on opposition, resistance, defensiveness, resentment, or rebellion against something or someone, you are fueling it with negative energy. You can choose to do something differently, just use positive energy. Create a vision of what you do want, then set goals and take steps to move towards that direction. Be open to learning skills and developing the qualities you will need to achieve those goals and you will have a lifelong journey of self-improvement.

(Get our free downloadable 16-page resource: 7 Steps to Creating Your Own Destiny.)

As the next generation of parents, you have an awesome responsibility — and opportunity. No other generation of parents has faced such difficult circumstances in which to raise their children. You and your children face chronic high stress that can take a toll that’s similar to trauma — especially on developing brains and bodies.

Who are Your Influencers?

Instead of just having family to guide you, you have millions of well-intentioned “friends ” you “follow,” who try to “influence” you and your children to do what they want you to do — not because it’s good for you but because it worked for them or it’s good for their ego and pocketbooks. So, it’s your responsibility to evaluate advice you find and choose wisely for yourself and your children.

The world is different than when you were a child, but children haven’t really changed and neither has what research shows is effective for parents to do to raise healthy, resilient, self-sufficient, self-motivated adults.

So instead of thinking of your parents as “reverse role models” and your elderly grand-parents as irrelevant or obsolete, stay connected and see what you can learn from each other. They likely want to play a positive role in your and your child’s life and have a lot of knowledge and wisdom that you might be able to adapt to help you navigate parenting in today’s world.

Steps to Parenting in Today’s World

Start by creating a vision of the kind of parent you want to be. Set positive parenting intentions for yourself and think about the long-term goals you want your parenting to achieve. What skills and qualities do your children need to thrive in today’s world and resiliently adapt to whatever the future holds? What might you do differently today to try to ensure a better tomorrow?

Parents Toolshop® is here to support you as you figure out your answers to these questions, and to provide training in the skills you will need to develop to help your children develop into adults who can make the world a better place for future generations.

Attend a NeXt GenerationZ Parents Toolshop® training to learn the Universal Blueprint® GPS (Guide to Parenting Success) System, which provides a freeway you can follow to achieve your parenting goals and a map that can guide you to individualized solutions when problems arise. Get more information here.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator (and recipient of the 2024 “Outstanding FLE” international award), Certified Trauma Support Specialist, and one of the first to qualify as a Certified Family Life Coach at the Expert Level. She is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop® and a top-rated speaker who has trained over 100,000 parents and professionals and has certified over 100 Parent’s Toolshop® trainers and coaches worldwide. She serves as a parenting expert to the media, with 300+ media appearances in the first year of the launch of her award-winning book The Parent’s Toolshop® and was the Assistant Producer and On-air Parenting Expert of the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. She has created 100+ multimedia resources that support and educate parents from diverse backgrounds and needs, and other adults who live or work with children. You can find them at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

When you were young, before you had 24-hour access to a cell phone, social media or computer, what did you do? How much time you spend each day outside, doing something physical, or with other kids? Did you ever read a book under a shade tree, fall asleep, and take a nap in the breeze? What do you remember the most about your childhood free time: the freedom, imaginative play, exploration, adventure and discovery?

“Those were the days,” right? Isn’t that why you want your children to put down their devices and “get a life”? Instead, from the time they get up to the time they go to bed your children want to just lay around, play video games, or be attached somehow to an electronic device. You are just as tired of hearing yourself nag them to go out and play as they are!

If you are concerned about how your children spend their free time and should kids use screens less, you have good reason! A UK study found that most children spend half as much time playing outside as their parents did. The average is only 4 to 7 minutes a day! According to a 2015 study, children ages 8 to 12 years spend an average of 4 hours, 36 minutes looking at screens and in 2017 children ages 0 to 8 spent an average of 2 hours 19 minutes looking at screens.

It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out such a sedentary lifestyle and passive mental activity isn’t good for children who are still growing and developing mentally, physically and socially. Studies show technology damage children in many ways, like childhood obesity, sleep disorders, eye problems, headaches, delays in brain and social development, lack of coordination, attention disorders, learning delays and disorders, and behavior problems such as being atypically aggressive, rude, and impatient.

Mental health and trauma specialists point to the long-term effects of the constant stimulation and stress-activation the body experiences as chronic stress, which affects the body similarly to toxic stress and trauma, which can cause chemical imbalances and cellular changes that show up as mental health issues, physical dis-ease, and behavior issues in children.

So how can you to get those kids off their duffs and outside, without nagging them? You probably already have rules about screen time, but get complaints, hear whining about being “bored.”

First, you want to avoid accepting responsibility for entertaining your children all day. It prevents them from learning to entertain themselves and solve problems independently. It’s your job, as the parent, to teach your children how to entertain themselves. After that, it is up to your children to keep themselves busy.

So before setting rules about screen time, support your children in figuring out what they can do to stay busy in productive, age-appropriate ways. Sit together with paper and pen and do some brainstorming. List all the activities the child can do independently. List both indoor and outdoor activities, active and sedentary (arts & crafts), getting whatever supplies are needed. Then post the list on the fridge. Whenever you hear the “B” word, “I’m Bored,” refer them to their list. Here is a guide you can follow.

Once the child has the ideas and means for self-entertainment, you are ready to set rules about your children’s use of electronic entertainment. You want to have three key parts to your rules about kids screen limits: The child’s responsibilities, the parent’s responsibilities, and some choice or control for the child. For example, here’s what an effective rule about kids screen limits might look and sound like:

“I (the parent) am responsible for making sure you are:

• Healthy, so I need to limit screen-time (recommended screen time for kids is two hours maximum) because it isn’t good for you and insist you do some kind of physical activity each day.

• Using age-appropriate games and platforms (Snapchat, Facebook, etc.) that I have reviewed and approved.

• Safe, by seeing what you are doing and who you are doing it with anytime I want, to provide supervision and protection from cyber bullies, stalkers, and predators. So there are no screens allowed in bedrooms or the car.

• Developing properly, including learning how to interact with real people in the real world, so there are no digital devices during family fun, meals, or conversations.

Since electronic devices are a privilege, not a right, you need to show you are responsible with the privileges you have, to keep them. You (the child) can play on electronic devices, choosing which device you are on and what you do on it, after you do two things:

Once you’ve covered these three bases, you can “Ban the B word — Boredom” If they complain, you can reply, “It’s up to you to keep yourself busy and productive. What are your options?” Best of all, your children will know what they can do and how. Then they can engage in imaginative free play that creates wonderful childhood memories, and in real life, which develops important skills and relationships that will benefit them for a lifetime.

For more tips about kids technology, watch an interview with Dr. Amy Alamar about “Parenting Digital Natives,” on the Parents Tool Talk® webTV show.

Note: this article is regularly updated with current research and resources. The publish date reflects the most recent update.

Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is President of Parent’s Toolshop^® Consulting, where she oversees an international network of Toolshop^® trainers. For 30+ years, Jody has trained tens thousands of parents and family professionals worldwide through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and serving as the Co-Producer and Parenting Expert for the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. She is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop^® and countless multimedia resources that support and educate parents from diverse backgrounds and needs, and other adults who live or work with children. You can find them at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

Is There a Difference Between Potty Training Boys vs. Potty Training Girls?

Potty training is a hot topic. There is hardly a parent that doesn’t experience some kind of potty training problem.

Potty training often involves taking a natural process and unnecessarily complicating it, causing a lot of frustration for parents and children.

There is no research that conclusively proves any one particular potty training method consistently and reliably works with all children in a guaranteed specific amount of time. (You’ve probably read those “potty training in a day” books and know they don’t work for a lot of parents. In fact, sometimes the tactics backfire.)  There is also no research that proves potty training girls is easier than potty training boys or vice-versa. 

Unless you are toilet training a child with autism or a developmental disability, you can look at child development, basic psychology and family dynamics and see clear patterns emerge. By knowing the following insights, you can make an informed decision about how you want to handle potty training.

First, Do You Realize That Going Potty Actually Takes 12Steps And At Least 17 Tasks?

1. Realize you have to go. (1 task) This is the hardest step for young children.
2. Turn on the bathroom light. (1 task)
3. Get to the potty in time. (1 task)
4. Undo buttons and zippers and pull pants and underwear down in time (up to 4 tasks)
5. Lift the seat or get onto the potty without falling in (1 task)
6. Aim accurately or be sure everything that comes out goes in the potty (1 task)
7. Reach the toilet paper without losing your balance or falling off (1 task)
8. Wipe all the residue off and drop the paper in the toilet (1 task)
9. Get off the potty, pull up your pants and underwear, and redo buttons and zippers (up to 5 tasks)
10. Flush the toilet and maybe close the lid or put the seat down (up to 2 tasks)
11. Wash hands with soap and water (1 task)
12. Turn off the bathroom light. (1 task)

Is it any wonder toddlers can’t master the process in a day or even three?

Children really aren’t “potty-trained” until they do all the steps and tasks independently. How the child learns the process is controversial because no one approach offers consistent results. There are, however, two key factors that influence how fast and successful potty training will occur: the parent’s approach and the child’s reaction to that approach.

There Are A Broad Range Of Potty Training Approaches:

• At one extreme, parents may be totally unconcerned with potty training and assume children will eventually learn to go on their own, with little or no parental effort. You would think this approach takes the longest, but it doesn’t. Some children learn simply by watching others; most don’t.
• Another approach is to teach the child in a relaxed unhurried way. You patiently teach the child the different tasks and steps, provide role models for the child, have realistic expectations, and handle the entire process in a very matter-of-fact, calm manner. As the child progresses, the parent expresses confidence in the child’s ability, verbally acknowledging the child’s efforts, and focusing on independence and hygiene as the rewards for accomplishing the task. This approach is the most effective and physically and emotionally healthy. It just seems to take the longest, because parents are paying attention to the process and can become impatient if the child takes longer to learn than they would prefer.
• A more controlling approach involves parents watching, reminding, bribing, and rewarding the child with stickers and candy. While this approach can get fast results, it carries a high risk of initiating power struggles, which can lead to bigger problems.*
• The most extreme controlling approach is for parents to do all the thinking and work for the child, from birth. These parents devote themselves to watching the child for cues that they need to go and then dropping whatever they are doing to rush the child to a location where they can relieve themselves. A 2011 Good Morning America ABC report quoted several parents who use the “elimination communication” approach where even young babies are watched for signs they are eliminating and are then held over a potty.  A New York Times report highlighted stories of a mom who carried a bowl to a party and took her child to the corner of the room to pee into it and another held her baby over a sink in a public bathroom! This approach doesn’t actually train the child and it violates several universal effective-parenting principles. But if you do choose to use it at least put the baby on a toilet!

While all of these methods can “work,” none can guarantee immediate results, because each child is different. For example:

• Children differ in their readiness and ability to understand and perform the steps and tasks.
• Children’s personalities influence whether they want to please their parents or be independent, feel encouraged or manipulated, will blindly obey or rebel against control.
• Some children relax and go with the flow while other children hold out and hold on, literally, even if they develop medical problems in the process.*

Furthermore, it is practically impossible for any child to be completely potty trained (totally independent and self-responsible) before 18 months old and unlikely before the age of two-and-a-half. Here’s why:

• Children cannot control the sphincter muscle (responsible for holding/releasing bowel movements) until they are at least eighteen-months-old. The muscle doesn’t have that ability until that age. So anything that happens before that age is because the parent is trained, not the child.
• Remember those 12 steps and 17 tasks? Well #7 is wiping oneself, which isn’t even physiologically possibly until a child’s arm has grown long enough to reach his or her behind! Most children who are on-track developmentally will be able to do this task independently by kindergarten. So that means that no matter what method you use, your child still won’t be able to perform this final step of potty training independently until about the same age as every other child.

The choice is yours. How much time, attention, effort, and emotion do you want to invest in this? Unlike most “returns on investments” (ROIs), the more you invest in this process — by making it a “big deal” — the more it actually increases your risk of experiencing problems. Since every child will eventually do this naturally, your choice is whether to teach skills in a relaxed way and give encouragement or try to control the child. 

Children consistently prove to us that ultimately their bodies are within their control. We can lead them to a potty but we really can’t make them go. Anytime potty training has become a big issue, you will usually find one of two things: Either the child had a bad experience and is fearful of going potty or the child felt the parent was too controlling and they are now in a battle of wills. Both can cause children to hold onto their waste to the point of developing a chronic medical condition! These problems take the longest to resolve and may require medical assistance. It’s not uncommon for these children to still not be fully potty trained by kindergarten.

It really boils down to this: It makes no difference whether you are potty training girls or potty training boys nor what techniques, tactics and tricks you try, your child’s intellectual, psychological and emotional makeup will determine the speed and success of potty training. There are no fully functioning adults who aren’t potty trained, so eventually everyone learns this skill. In fact, unless a child has a medical condition or bad potty-training experience, all children will potty train themselves during the early child development stages before they start kindergarten.

So don’t feel inferior when some mother compares her so-called potty-trained baby to your training-in-progress toddler. Just smile, knowing both children will complete the learning process about the same time no matter what the parent does…and some methods are healthier and riskier than others.

For additional tips on potty training and teaching children to become independent learn more about The Parent’s Toolshop^® and its unique Universal Blueprint® problem-solving system, read the 7 Keys to Parenting Success free ebook. You’ll be less frustrated, respond more calmly, and feel more confident in any parenting situation.

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Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is President of Parent’s Toolshop^® Consulting, where she oversees an international network of Toolshop® trainers. For 30+ years, Jody has trained tens of thousands of parents and family professionals worldwide through her dynamic workshops and hundreds of interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines. She is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop®, and countless multimedia resources that support and educate parents from diverse backgrounds, plus other adults who live or work with children. You can find them at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed, or print publication, as long as it is the entire unedited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

TIPS FOR MAKING BEDTIME PEACEFUL

My three-year-old son is very active and gets more so around bedtime. We have a bedtime routine that begins at 8:30 p.m. and includes a bath, healthy snack, storytelling, teeth-brushing and three books. After I turn out the lights, I sit by the bed until he falls asleep. Otherwise he will jump up and follow me, making a game out of us chasing him. When he does, I bring him back to bed, tell him he doesn’t have to go to sleep but he must stay in his room. Most nights I lie next to him and hold him so he can’t get up. He cries in protest and eventually falls asleep from the exhaustion. By then, I’ve fallen asleep too.

My husband and I have tried turning out all of the house lights, pretend to go to bed and get up after he was asleep. This sort of worked, but sometimes he fell asleep as late as midnight and we were exhausted. Now I’m toying with the idea of putting an outside lock on his door. This approach seems barbaric, but if we don’t get some sleep soon we’re going to fall apart. Please advise!!! — Lara from Alameda, CA

Group Facilitators Answer:

Dear Lara,

Many parents can relate to the stress of this nighttime “game” and how easy it is to get caught up in it. Your son sounds like an energetic night owl who takes a long time to unwind. His temperament, a high energy level with little need for sleep, is what The Parent’s Toolshop calls PU behavior. It’s a “Parent problem” (because it involves health issues and broken rules) that involves “Unintentional misbehavior” (resulting from the child’s temperament*). Unfortunately, PU behavior can “mutate” into PO behavior (“Parent problems” that involve “On purpose” misbehavior) if the child gets payoffs for misbehaving. While your intentions are good, your son is getting payoffs when others react to his behavior by chasing him, holding him, laying with him, or stopping what they are doing. As long as he’s getting attention for not going to bed, he’s sure to continue resisting bedtime. It’s also turning into a power struggle, which will only intensify if you use desperate measures like restraining him or locking him in his room.

We have a few suggestions for you, by following the PASRR formula in The Parent’s Toolshop. (If children are not sleeping due to insecurity or lack of self-comforting skills, another plan is better to use.

We have had 6 years of opposition to going to bed with every excuse known to man and usually some sort of angry outburst/misbehavior. So after class this week, I read word-for-word your bedtime advice article {this article} and teleseminar package. The next night was completely different. I did what you said and he looked at me and said, “OK”. Then he walked himself to bed quietly as if he had been waiting his whole life for me to say those words. He did not come out of his room and was asleep within 5 minutes! I am still a little freaked out about it, but it has been working and we are so relieved! I wish I could say we are ecstatic too, but we are too tired from six years of bedtime struggles:-) — Mary Mancuso, OH

P-revent the problem from starting or worsening
You have established a good bedtime routine and follow it consistently, but there is so much activity leading up to bedtime it may be over-stimulating for him. Several of us recommend starting the routine earlier and having the more quiet activities near the end of the routine. Make sure bedtime isn’t the only time he’s getting “quality time.” Also, maintain a consistent early wake-up time and if he takes a nap, shorten it, make it earlier or eliminate it so he is more tired at night.

Then you need to explain to your son how body energy works. Use the comparison of a car, which needs gasoline to have energy to run. Tell your son that sleep is so important because his body grows while it’s sleeping. The body also uses food and sleep to make energy. Ask what he thinks would happen if someone drove a car really fast for a long time and never stopped to give it more gasoline. Then make the comparison that his body needs to take rests too, to let his body fill up energy for the next day.

A-cknowledge the other person’s feelings
You can point out that his body may need less sleep than others, but it still needs sleep- even if he doesn’t feel tired. Tell him he needs to respect his body, learn how to listen to it and give it what it needs. If you think he gets up because he’s afraid he’ll miss something, reassure him that when he goes to bed Mommy and Daddy have their quiet time-which your bodies need-and you mostly do boring stuff.

S-et limits and express concerns
Now you need to be clear and firm. Bedtime is quiet time. He doesn’t have to sleep but he must stay in his bed (or room) and remain quiet. When he goes to bed, you are done playing and talking.

R-edirect misbehavior
Brainstorm ideas of quiet activities he can do in bed: listening to tapes, talking or singing to himself and looking at books are just a few ideas.
Then, give him three objects, like three hoops or strings to hang on his door or three balls in a bowl. He can come out of his room or call you to his room (the latter is our preference) up to three times. Each time you have an interaction after bedtime, he must give you one of the objects.

This next idea is optional, but is often helpful. Tell him you will come to check on him every fifteen minutes as long as he has at least one object left. If he knows you will check on him, he may be less likely to check on you. Give him a tangible way to track the time, but not a timer that could startle or wake him. Increase the time each week as his behavior improves and he’s falling asleep earlier.

If he uses the first object, respond to his request, take the object and say nothing more. If/when he gives you the second object, remind him that he only has one more object and might want to save it in case something really important comes up.

R-eveal discipline
After he gives you the third object, confirm that you will no longer come to his room (even if you’ve been checking on him) and/or he cannot come out of his room. Be clear that if he does you will not give him any attention.

Now comes the really hard part-follow through. We guarantee he’s going to thoroughly and persistently test this new plan for a couple days to a week. If you’ve laid the foundation by doing everything listed above, your consistent follow through is the final key to this plan’s success. Here’s how it works:

The fourth time he calls for you to come to his room, say once, “It’s quiet time so I am not talking.” Then ignore all further attempts to get you to respond. If he comes out of his room, act like he’s not there. Continue reading or focusing on whatever you were doing-and make sure you are doing something you can focus on intensely. Don’t look up to acknowledge his presence, don’t huff and puff in frustration or roll your eyes. He’s not there. If he gets in your face or escalates, pretend he’s invisible.

When it is time to check on him again, go to his room. He’ll probably follow you if he came out. Remind him that after he’s given you all his objects you’ll only come to his room or talk to him at your regular check times. Empathize that he’s disappointed and suggest that he might want to save one of his objects tomorrow night for emergencies. Reveal that he can still do quiet activities in his room, but if he leaves his room again, he’ll be giving up those activities, too. Tell him you’ll still check on him as long as he stays in his room and is quiet.

Then leave. Ignore his behavior and follow through on your plan. If he comes out or calls for you, wait until the next check time and tell him you won’t check any more that night, but tomorrow he can try keeping an object and having you check on him regularly.

The only exception is if he goes for a desperation move and does something dangerous. In this case, gently but firmly carry or direct him to his room while saying “I can’t let you hurt yourself or others. I love you and hope you’ll choose to make your bedtime a happy one.”

Like we said, we are sure your son will test your commitment to this plan, but we also know from experience that this plan usually works. Lay the groundwork, follow the plan step by step and consistently follow through with love and self-control and this will make bedtime peaceful. It will not be easy, but what you’ve been doing takes far more energy and less spine. Many parents have walked in your shoes and are grateful they were able to successfully break their child’s habit of getting out of bed and their habit of reacting in ways that reinforced the behavior.

If you are interested in more information about the tools and techniques mentioned in this article:

• Listen to a Teleseminar recording titled Halting Bedtime Hassles.
• Watch a webinar for all parents with Done4U Solutions to the Top Ten Bedtime Issues.
• Watch a webinar for parents of children with a trauma history about Trauma-Related Sleep Issues.

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Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is President of Parent’s Toolshop^® Consulting, where she oversees an international network of Toolshop^® trainers. For 30+ years, Jody has trained tens thousands of parents and family professionals worldwide through her dynamic workshops and hundreds of interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines. Locally, she’s served as the Parenting Expert for the original Dayton Parent Magazine, Dayton Daily News’ 937-513 websites, and C o-Producer for the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. She is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop^® and countless multimedia resources that support and educate parents from diverse backgrounds, plus other adults who live or work with children. You can find them at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

Yes, even if your child does not have a known trauma history, it’s important you know and use these parenting practices, which are all evidence- or research-based.

Here’s why and why you need to understand the difference so you can screen other parenting programs and resources and discern whether to follow what they teach.

Definitions

Trauma-informed parenting practices:

While there is no established definition or standards for what is trauma-informed, it is easy to understand the meaning of the term. Children who have a trauma history require caregivers who have specialized knowledge and skills about how trauma affects children’s development, brains, behavior, and more.

How you interpret children’s behavior and respond to it also needs to take the child’s trauma into consideration. Many “common” parenting practices may seem harmless when used with children who don’t have a trauma history (such as corporal punishment, bribing or restricting food, removing children’s belongings from messy rooms or bedroom doors that they have slammed, etc.) They might even seem to “work” in getting short-term results, but they are, at the least, ineffective quick fixes that can have negative or even counter-productive outcomes for all children long-term.

With children who have a trauma history, these same practices can have surprisingly different and more extreme effects on children. For example:

• Corporal punishment is a trauma trigger for children who have witnessed or experienced domestic violence; even witnessing other children being spanked is a trigger.
• Using food to manipulate can exacerbate food issues, which traumatized children often have.
• Many children have never had toys or a room, so removing them can be traumatic for them, increasing their insecurities and fears, especially when compared to children who have not experienced neglect, dependency or abandonment.

As a result, our standard, whether we are training foster parents or parents of children without a trauma history, we minimally teach parents skills that research has shown to be effective long-term. Ideally, we strive to always teach trauma-informed parenting practices, because not all children with a trauma history are foster children. Trauma can happen to good children from good families with great parents! (If you’ve read my family history in the Introduction of The Parent’s Toolshop® book you know this.) Trauma-informed practices take into account similar concepts all parents need to consider, such as resolving underlying issues that are driving behavior instead of just reacting to and trying to stop the superficial behavior. So they are imporant and helpful for all parents to know and use.

Evidence- or Research-based “Best” Practices:

There also aren’t any established definitions of these three terms, which are often used interchangeably. So our definition of “evidence- or research-based” is quite simple: we want whatever you teach to be backed up by valid scientific research. If we (Jody or our certified instructors) share an opinion or experience, they’ll tell you that’s all it is. They will also, whenever possible, be transparent and cite the research that backs what they are teaching in their program or resource.

I’m on the board of the National Parenting Education Network (NPEN) and chair the committee that researches and establishes professional (and paraprofessional) competencies in the field of parenting education. These committees often cite (and complain about) the inconsistencies among “evidence- or research-based” parenting programs and the clearinghouses that compile lists of them. For example:

• There is a lack of consistency in how evidence-based programs (EBP) are rated and identified among clearinghouses funders require agencies use to receive funding. So proven-effective programs can be excluded from these lists. For example:
  • Many only lists approve programs that have a pre- post- data-collection design with control and intervention groups. That means the control group is denied services, which many parenting programs (including The Parent’s Toolshop®) won’t do for ethical reasons.) There are other valid research and evaluation methods the lists don’t consider or include.
  • Research design is time-consuming and expensive, making it beyond the ability of many parenting education programs to conduct. Thus, they may actually be an EBP but won’t qualify for inclusion on these lists.
  • The goals of the programs on the clearinghouse lists tend to be very specific, such as changes in children’s behavior, parental behavior, or the avoidance or prevention of undesired outcomes. This doesn’t allow for a broader range of evaluation methods or programs that have an equally-valuable focus beyond those listed.
  • There is also an assumption that for a program to be effective it must be conducted exactly the same as how it was implemented in the study. Yet, good parenting educators know they need to adapt a program to meet the needs of the parents with whom they are working. That means that the assumptions on which these lists approve EBPs actually run counter to what produces good parenting education!
  • Lastly, the goals or methodology of some programs that made it onto these EBP lists are not the goals of many parents and in some cases are not consistent with those that are identified as best practices for the field of parenting education. For example, programs that focus on external rewards and punishment to achieve short-term behavior modification goals are included on these lists, because they completed a research project using an experimental design that showed positive outcomes. Well-established long-term studies have shown this approach is not effective long-term and is actually even counter-productive. (i.e., Alfie Kohn)
  • There is also now a movement for parenting educators to obtain remuneration for their services, which will also likely be tied to these lists of EBP parenting education programs because there is no one common standard for training and certification in the parenting education field.

Beyond what we present, verbally or in writing, we also please pay attention to who/what resources we refer or recommend to parents. There are programs that get accepted onto lists of evidence-based programs so they can receive funding that do not teach what’s considered evidence-based “best practices” in parenting education! While their program might have shown short-term positive outcomes, long-term evidence has shown not only are their teachings ineffective, but in some cases may even be counter-productive or harmful. We want to avoid giving quick fixes that backfire, so teach skills and concepts backed up by valid long-term research.

All this is to show you just how committed we are at Parents Toolshop® (and Relationship Toolshop® as a whole company) to making sure the information we provide to you is the most current, accurate, research-based, outcome-evidenced parenting practices possible.

For more information, you can review:

• The results of our own ten-year long outcome research study of the effectiveness of The Parent’s Toolshop® program with diverse populations, which isn’t on any of the clearinghouse lists because we didn’t have a control group to whom we refused services.
• A free guide to Screening and Weeding Parenting Advice.