pariahMariah

From a Weird Place...

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 15:13:00 +0000

These blog entries have inspired me to live a more full life and as a result I've been giving my life the greatest attention. In a way I have kick started my imagination back into overdrive. I can barely find the time to eat but I'm still determined to see this blog through to the end...wherever that might be. I've been "standing on my own two feet" so to speak (words of wisdom from this guy) and letting creativity guide my actions everyday. I must say, it's a very interesting ride so far and I don't think I want to get off. Some of my off the wall ideas have proven to be dead end ends but I trust that I may be ahead of my time with some of my more frivolous desires for this world. I think a little patience will go a long way, even though that's not one of my strong points. I get bored easily...sigh. I'm still learning to take things slowly.

Anyway, I've been giving my future an awful lot of deep thought over the past few weeks and the same scenes keep playing over and over in my head. Maybe it's time to let these little guys out into the world to see what they can do. This idea is a little more realistic than my previous Experience Project. I still want to see that succeed because i think people have become way too reliant on the convenience of money for getting what they want or need. My new idea is a charitable project that I hope to see come to life by the Spring of 2012. I strongly believe it could materialize before then, but when you're working with other people you have to accept that not everything will be under your direct control. So, realistically speaking, Spring '12 should be enough time to make this happen. What is it you ask? Hmmm... guess you'll have to stick around to find out. All I'm going to say for now is that it's family oriented and it's ...colorful lol. Thanks for sticking around. See you soon :)

The Secret Your Mom Hides From You

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 15:35:00 +0000

Learn to curve your misunderstandings gathered from childhood in order to feel your true worth.

There is beauty in your upbringing
As a mother, I can thankfully relate to my mom and everyone else’s. I can tell you that your mom meant you no harm, that is, if she truly meant you no harm. There are so many figures standing in a mother's path that it's hard to try to choose one for yourself much less choose one for you and maybe your siblings if you have any. Moms carry a lot of stress to be perfect and are expected by a very cruel society to know everything there is to know about raising a child, when in essence, she knows very little and is just trying to wing it. Think back to your own school years when everyday there was something new to learn. You started with number recognition and then moved on to addition, subtraction, multiplication, and then algebra equations. You had no idea what was to come. You had to learn on your feet and that's what moms have to do every single millisecond of every single day. Turns out, this can be quite tiring and frustrating not having any answers. But she pulled it off and at least for that, if not for anything thing else, you should be grateful. Your parents never had all of the answers and no parent ever will. The universe found a way to nurture you up to this point in your life through your parents. You made it. And for that too you should be grateful.

The fussing had NOTHING to do with you
If you lived in a household like mine, you were subject to here a lot of fussing and yelling. Sometimes it was because you wailed on your brother or sister. Sometimes it was because you wouldn't eat your dinner. Sometimes it was even for something so small as not wearing the right shirt with the right pants. Think back to hearing these yelling matches as a child? How did you feel? When your mom yelled at you for not knowing how to do a math problem, you probably felt like she was telling you that you were not smart enough to get it right. When she yelled at you for not cleaning your room without being asked, you probably felt like she was telling you that you are lazy and good for nothing. When she yelled at you for being loud, as most kids do, you probably felt like she was telling you that you get on her nerves and she wanted you to go away.

But look back again. Did your mom ever ACTUALLY say "Sally, you're not smart enough, you're good for nothing, and I want you to go away"? Did you hear those actual words? I doubt it. If you did, you need more help than I can give you in this article. But in a regular, everyday, stressed to the max household, you probably never heard your mom or dad say these things. Everything you felt like mom and dad meant were entirely in your head. They are your own preconceived notions of how you thought they felt about you based on the fact that you were a child and didn't yet realize that the yelling was simply stress-based.

You can change it in your head
Right now, you can take a small step in changing your attitude by realizing that most of your beliefs about yourself stem from a misunderstanding of childhood. Let go of those notions immediately. Know that you are whatever you make of yourself. Mom and Dad may have been stressed out to the point of yelling, but this had nothing to do with you. It was their own stress and your misunderstandings that make you think you cannot achieve what you set out to do. Don't hold on to those misunderstandings anymore. Accept them for what they were and move on with your life. Tell yourself you are worth everything you desire because you are. And recognize that your once ignorant self is gone. You are now an adult, capable of so much more than you were as a child. Start over from this point and let your determination lead the way rather than the words of your once frazzled parents.

What self limiting beliefs are you holding onto from your childhood? Is there anything your mom or dad used to tell you that is making you think about yourself in a certain way? Please share your thoughts below and Subscribe to comments to follow along with this discussion.

Something Great Happened Because I Expected It

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 01:32:00 +0000

If you think life is being unfair, try doing something out of the ordinary to move yourself in a positive direction toward your true happiness.

Doing something different

Today, I did something I've never done before. I submitted an article as a guest post to Self Empowerment Magazine. In the past, I would practice modesty and was always afraid that my work wasn't good enough to ever be featured. I hid my work behind empty feelings that held me back from what I knew I deserved. I think in some way, I just wasn't ready for it or I would have been putting my work out on the table long before now.

Feeling something different

Today, however, I did something a little differently. I can tell you that this was no simple task. I typed up the article, spell checked at least a dozen times, and then I stared at it for about 30 minutes while I decided whether or not to press the send button. The keys on my keyboard glistened in sweat, but this time the fear came from a different place. It was actually more of a strange, 'I feel out of place' kind of feeling more than just fear. I felt empowered and I received more than what I expected.

Getting something different

I felt in my soul that this was to be a part of my path to happiness and I just let go. I submitted the article and stopped thinking about it. I felt sincere about allowing the universe to fulfill my desire and it happened in a way I never thought possible. I submitted the article hoping for a simple listing, but it turned out the site owner wants me to write regularly as a featured author! That was the most awesome news of the day and I'm convinced that you get exactly what you expect out of life. You just have to take the first step and allow the change to come to you.

You can read my first article as a featured author here on Self Empowerment Magazine.

What did you do today to move your live in a positive direction? Share you thoughts below. Subscribe to comments in order to follow this discussion.

The Number One Thing You Need For a Happier Life

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 15:39:00 +0000

Recognize that in order to live a happier life, you have to know what your truly want. Never base your life on what you think other people may want for you.

Today, I ran across this article on Technorati. The funny thing is, I never read the articles on technorati. This one kinda floated onto my lap. Maybe I manifested more of my own thoughts. Yup, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what happened. The article pretty much sums up and explains my thoughts on creating the life you want for yourself. The author, Lori Michelle, describes the key factor to fulfilling your desires and finding your true happiness. She explains about 7 steps that she uses, but all in all, she realizes that in order to begin, you have to know what you want first. Read her article, Manifesting: Is There Some Trick to Getting It Right? I think you will find her perspective quite interesting and very similar to my own.

How often do you daydream about your perfect life? How often do you take actin on those dreams? Once you've read Lori's article, please come back and share your thoughts here. Subscribe to comments to follow along with this discussion.

New Affirmation Button- free

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 03:30:00 +0000

Don't be fooled into thinking that your happiness will only come from giving. You will need to receive as well.

When we are born, we are pure. We have no desires and we trust the universe to take care of our needs. We don't seek out anything. It all flows to us simply because we are truly spiritual and one with our surroundings. As we get older, we are enveloped in a cycle of ignorance teaching ignorance. Our mind takes over as a basic human survival tactic. We grasp ideas of right, wrong, good and bad throughout childhood. Our emotions run rampant and so we are led to believe that we are selfish to want anything.

The truth is, each desire we fulfill brings us that much closer to our true spiritual selves. As children we desire toys, but eventually that's not enough anymore. Suddenly we find ourselves wanting friendship in adolescence. Once we've mastered this, we long for human love, material wealth, and consciousness. But what is there after we've extinguished all of these earthly desires? The only thing left to do is to return to spirit. Our life has been filled with every experience we could have ever dreamed and therefore our creative journey complete. We must use each fulfilled desire to reach the next step in our own enlightenment.

To use this badge, simply right click the image and save it to your computer. From there, you may do what you wish with it. You do not have to use it to link back to this site. Repeat these words to yourself several times a day in order to retrain your mind for happiness. Thanks for visiting and if you haven't already, please subscribe to be notified of new arrivals.

An Eviction Is Just What I Need

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 15:12:00 +0000

You don’t need to be tied to any one location to live a happy life. Find happiness within and you can take it with you anywhere.

Home home in my heart
Today, our landlord told us we would have to pay $150 more than our regular rent in order to cover lease reinstatement fees. Mind you, we’re still in the same month we owe for, but that’s a whole other story. Of course, if you don’t have the regular rent amount you had to pay, obviously you’re not going to magically have an extra $150 lying around. Anyway, my husband and I are not worriers. There’s not much that can happen that can rock our boats so to speak. We’re content in life and we’re on our path to personal freedom so anything that gets in the way of this is hogwash as far as we’re concerned. I know what you’re thinking… what about our kids? What about what the neighbors will think? What about our credit scores? Honestly, we don’t care about any effects of any of these things. Why? Because we’ve found out that we can take our happiness with us. We are happy with ourselves and we know that there is more than one way to get what you want in life. We look for positive opportunities in everything that happens around us.

The kids don’t need stability
Since when is the world stable? So many things happen that are not directly in our control. Medical emergencies pop up, cars break down, and natural disasters erupt all of the time. I would never subject my kids to stability on purpose. The truth is, I wouldn’t want to live a stable life. The beauty of life lies in the unknown and the ever changing sense of newness. If we had all of the answers, what good would living be? My family lives “by the seat of our pant” and not one of us has had a mental breakdown yet. I think my kids are going to be ready for whatever life throws at them. This is something I think that a “stable” upbringing cannot afford.

I don’t check my credit scores. Ever.
Actually, I’m lying. I’ve checked my credit scores twice in my entire life. Yes, I realize I need to know my scores in order to know what I can buy, but honestly I have no intention of actually buying anything. Well, except maybe a car or a bike, but nothing that will take me more than a few months to pay for. I feel like if I need more than about 5-6 months to pay it off, it’s just not worth it. I don’t want to be obligated to pay for something that I can definitely do without. This is especially true of things that have an alternative like housing and transportation. You can always rent, borrow or trade for what you need. I’m just not worried about scores that label my worth. I am worth so much more than that score.

The neighbors think I can’t handle finances
Hmmm… neighbors. There’s a lot I can say about relationships with other people, but for the sake of staying on topic, I’ll just say that I have chosen to drop other people’s opinions of me and my family. There are so many things that outsiders can’t possibly know about me, so why should I let their ignorance bother me. I owe no one an apology. Furthermore, I don’t plan to give it to them. This includes the neighbors, friends, family, and the landlord herself. There’s nothing they can say to make my truth any different than what it is. I know why my rent isn’t paid on time and I’m the only one who actually needs to know why.

Hidden opportunity
We haven’t made a final decision of whether or not we’re going to pay this ridiculous late fee and stay, or dismiss it as rubbish and move. Currently though, I dislike my son’s school zone, I’d like to live closer to the country or the beach, this apartment does not suit my personal taste, and boredom with this place is really starting to kick in. Like I said, I like to have things mixed up and we’ve been living here for almost a year. In my opinion, it’s time to move on anyway, but I’m perfectly fine staying a little longer if my husband wants to. Guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens… so exciting not knowing exactly what to expect.

Can you find the good in my situation? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Share your thoughts below. Subscribe to comments to follow this discussion. If you found this inspiring and useful, please retweet using the button above.

All You'll Ever Need In Life

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 21:38:00 +0000

Stop worrying about having enough of what you need in life and realize it’s always there for the taking.

What are you worried about?
My main downfall has always been worrying. I worry about not having what I need. I worry that I won’t be able to pay my bills. I worry that I’ll lose my home. I worry that I will run out of food, get bored, lose my car, lose my hair, lose my nerve, and not be able to provide for my family. These are legitimate concerns seeing as how no one can know what’s going to come next in their life. But I don’t think we should worry so much. I think that the mystery of life is worth a heartfelt investment. I mean seriously, if we knew what was coming next, what would be the point of living? We would already know the ending. It’s like spoiling a really good novel. I think we should stop trying to spoil our own novel and just let it flow.

So what do you really need?
What do you think you need? A house? A car? A job? Hardly! I mean what do you really actually need in order to live? Let’s ignore what society says we should have for just a second. For right now, there’s no one on Earth except for you and nature. There are no houses. There are no buildings. There are no planes, trains, or automobiles. You are surrounded be bright blue sky, brilliantly lush grass, fertile soil, beautiful animals, sparkling water, and clean fresh air. That sounds refreshing doesn’t it? Everything you need you can find on the land and it’s free. There’s water in the spring. There’s an abundant source of food in the form of wild hogs and flourishing plant life. There’s shelter underneath the trees and in caves. You’ll get plenty of exercise just living from day to day and how could you possibly get bored with so much activity all around you?

Can you think of a need that can’t be addressed naturally without any effort from you or another human being? What are you worried about not having enough of? Journal your thoughts then share your reflections below. If possible, help others see past their own limiting thoughts. Subscribe to comments to follow this discussion.

Take the First Step In Your Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 17:55:00 +0000

Here are a few things you can expect to encounter on your path to a happier life.

Are you a Joe Schmoe?
We've been taught all of our lives to think a certain way. We're supposed to be kind and stay close to our biological families. We're supposed to help everyone in our path. We're supposed to be social creatures without regard to our true feelings. We're also supposed to go to school, earn a degree, get a job, get married, raise a family, and live according to our pre-determined religions. Does that sound like the life you really want or would you prefer to live by your own rules and find your true happiness? I don't know, maybe this is your path to true happiness, but if you're anything like me it just won't do.

Are you really ready for this?
Just so you know, this journey is not going to be easy. You're going to have to do some things that you've been conditioned to believe are wrong or bad. You're going to have to let go of some people who have been in your life for a long time. You're going to have to use your creativity and resourcefulness to make things happen that are seemingly out of your control. You're going to have to erase your labels and roles and focus on living in the present with guidance from the future. You think you're ready for this? You have no idea! This way of life if not for those who seek comfort. There will be many times you will feel uncomfortable but that's supposed to happen in order to break free from social conditioning.

So, are you ready to begin? If not, don't force it. Your negativity will ruin the effect. If you're wondering why you're even thinking about trying this, my answer to you is, why not? If you're in an unhappy place wondering if things will ever turn around for you, I say give it a try. I can't promise this will work for you and I can't promise it won't either. It's like trying out different diets until you find the one that works for you. This diet happens to be FREE and at the end you can at least be able to say you gave it your best shot. Don't you think you owe it to yourself to try anything to increase happiness in your life? I do. You are soooooo worth it. We all are. If you are not ready, you can leave. If you are ready, let's keep going.

A note before you begin
These activities are listed in order of importance so if you are following along, make sure you do so in order. Not everyone will be in the same point on their journey at the same time. This is not a race. Take your time and use your best judgement when working on finding your true happiness. In order to track your progress and allow help from others, I suggest you start a journal either online or on paper. However, it will be easier to get help from those around you if you chart your path online. An online journal simply allows you to receive multiple points of view when trying to get advice on certain situations that may arise. Other than that, we're ready to go.

Outline of the journey to a happy life
This list serves as a simple outline of what you can expect while working toward achieving happiness in your life. Each of these steps will be described in much greater detail as time passes and will probably need more than one post to fully explain.

Change your attitude
Love yourself
Imagine your happy ending
Select your life values
Edit your life
Create short term goals

I encourage you to take notes, bookmark this page, or subscribe to this blog because this is going to be your guide if you choose to follow along. You are welcome to come back here for pointers if you get stuck along the way. We also depend on you to share your advice with others who may need help getting untangled. If you know someone who you think might need this, send them a link and let them know you care about their happiness. Stay tuned for each step and be warned... Once this ride starts, it's not going to stop and you might find it difficult to get off :) Good luck on your path and I hope to see you in comments.

Have you subscribed yet? If you've read this far, I assume you're ready to start your own journey. Let me help you. Subscribe so that you can easily come back here for advice if you get stuck.

How to Do What You Love Right Now

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:31:00 +0000

Knowing what you want and actually doing what you want are worlds apart. Here's one way I'm doing what I want without succumbing to excuses.

Where are all these excuses coming from?

What's better than knowing what you want? The only thing I can think of is actually doing it, but have you noticed there's always something holding you back? What you feel are blockages from what you truly want are really just your own excuses to keep you stuck in your rut. Remember when you were a kid... I'll give you time since some of us have to think back further than others... Are you there yet? Ok, little more time?... Now remember when your mom wasn't watching and you got the urge to write on the walls, flip on the bed, or any of the other annoying things kids do? Did you you ever think to yourself, "Naw, I can't jump on the bed right now. I have to do XYZ first and there's not enough ABC to do it anyway. Plus, Mom might not want me to"? Of course not! You went for it, the same way I went for it, and the same way any kid would go for it. Growing up has made us so afraid of ourselves and other people's expectations that we've forgotten that we can do whatever we want whenever we want. That's why I encourage my closest friends to think and act in the present with guidance from the future. Let go of the past where all of your limiting beliefs lie and you can then move forward.

Recognize when you are making excuses
I would right a blog post but I don't have a way to add pictures. I would like to be an artist but I don't have enough money for supplies. I would like to dance but I've never taken any classes. i would like to stop hanging out with Jane, but what will Paul think? Any of these sound familiar? These are excuses for not doing what you want to do. The minute the words I can't cross your mind, you have just made an excuse because actually you can. You can do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. Don't listen to your mind. Your mind is hard coded to help you survive. To do what you want, you must listen to your heart a.k.a. your spirit. This is your creative side that knows no boundaries.

What will happen when you stop making excuses?
What's the secret to doing what you want? Resourcefulness and bravery. Sometimes you might not have exactly what you would like to have in order to get started doing whatever you want. Sometimes you have to work with what you already have. I am very proud of the picture I drew in this post using a scrap of paper, a black marker, and some ancient color pencils. I could have easily let go of my desire to be an artist with such excuses as: I've never taken classes, I'm not good enough to make people like it, and I don't have top quality supplies. I also let go of trying to please other people, which happens to be much easier said than done. It took a lot of patience to stop worrying about what other people think of me, but it's not impossible. The sooner you can do this, the better. I'm an artist today because I recognized my excuses and moved past them, which is exactly what I recommend to you. Once you're able to let go of excuses, you will be able to move forward and do the things that make you happy. Start living what you want and it will show itself.

Let's help each other move past our self limiting excuses. Name one thing you really really want to do right now? What do you feel is holding you back? Share your thoughts below and give your advice to others who can't see around their excuses. Subscribe to comments to follow this discussion.

Are You an Idealist Like Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 16:41:00 +0000

Do you ever take those personality quizzes you find online? I don't, but I gave this one a try anyway. It was short and sweet, plus it was recommended by one of the bloggers I visit often (thanks Lisa over at Mommying on the Fly). She turned out to be a scientist according to this quiz. She has two beautiful twin girls, and she hosts an awesome blog hop. You should definitely check it out if you're in the market for more followers on your own blog. Here's what this quiz revealed about me (and it was spot on too):

I'm creative with great imagination.
I enjoy living in my own inner world.
I'm open-minded and accepting. I strive for harmony in my important relationships.
It takes a while to get to know me. I am hesitant to let people get close to me.
Once I care for someone, I do everything I can to help them grow and develop.

In love, I have high (often unrealistic) standards.
I am very sensitive and tend to have intense feelings.

At work, I need to do something that expresses my personal values.
I would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

I see myself as unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual.
When others don't get me, they see me as unrealistic, naive, and weak.

So are you going to go take the quiz? Let me know what you turn out to be... You never know, we might have more in common than you think. Oh and don't forget to sign up for Lisa's blog hop!

Share your quiz outcome below. Subscribe to comments to see how others relate to you.

Things to Do While You're Naked

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 15:30:00 +0000

We all hope for financial stability, don't we? I mean, when was the last time you heard someone say "gee I'd love to be penniless and homeless". But we all know that the truth is, it could happen to any of us. Everyday, we do everything within our power to fight to keep it from happening. And while it's not the best situation to have to face, I've come up with a few ideas of what you can do should you ever find yourself in this situation, starting with the least horrible scenario.

Home with no furniture/decor - Really? Get over over it. Be grateful for the roof over your head and be patient for what's to come.

No clothing - Go to Goodwill, Salvation Army, or a local thrift store. You'll find some inexpensive and often times irressistible items there. Or, learn to sew and make your clothing from donated clothes. This is called upcycling and it's actually becoming a mini-trend. You can create the look you want by piecing together parts from many different garments.

No personal transportation - Use public transportation. I know where I live it's pretty cheap. Invest in a bike. It doesn't need gas, you'll get exercise, and it's low maintenance. Start walking...need I say more?

No friends - Start talking to people that strike you as interesting. Spark up conversations online. Go on Craigslist and plan meetups in your area based on shared interests. Go to the library and make friendly conversation with people browsing books that you like too.

No job - Do odd jobs around the neighborhood. Wash cars, babysit, organize, or cook for your neighbors. Use your skills (everyone is good at something) and work for yourself. Even if all you know how to do is talk, you could sit with the elderly and keep them company for a few hours a day.

No food - Buy or make a fishing line and catch your food if you live near water. Start a garder or even better a garden coop if you can get some help. Go to local homeless kitchens. Eat at friends and relatives houses until you can get back on track. Also, dare I say it, give foodstamps a try until you're back on your feet.

So there. If you're down on your luck, all hope is not lost. You can always pick yourself up out of the trenches. These are just a few things to get you thinking positively. I find that if you plan for the worst and hope for the best, you get more out of life and you will find yourself ready for anything.

Now it's your turn! What would you add to this list? Try to name one thing you would do if you were stripped of everything you have right now. Share your thoughts below. Be sure to subscribe to comments to follow this discussion.

You Can Choose to Live Without Being Judged

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 15:52:00 +0000

The Past
Pretty good at nothing. I was a runner. At best I was an alcoholic as a teenager. Remember how somethings just felt like the thing to do? I made up for what I lacked in self esteem with booze, sex, and an uncanny ability to make myself numb. Brown skin plagued me and led me to believe there was a certain way I should behave because of it. How I wished I could shed that skin. Excellent student though. Perfect grades in grade school and middle. Would you have given up so late in the game as I did? I only had one teeny tiny semester left in high school. I didn't make it. I felt way to watched and way too judged. It was way too much to bear. Oh well. I did get my GED. Do you think that counts? I did it for my son. He didn't care. He wasn't born. Nothing was for me. It was all for you and your judgements. Are you happy now? Will you ever be happy?

The Future
I manage to make my true self happy after all. My kids never care that I graduated. In fact, no one cares. No one can see my flaws. I feel flawless and invincible. I help everyone I am able to help. I float through life gracefully and effortlessly. I don't need anything I don't already have. I can feel my true power shining through my physical being. I know where I am and could care less about where I've been or where I'm going next.

The Present
My kids don't care about my choice to quit high school. In fact, I don't think anyone cares. And anyone who does care, does not deserve my attention. So what did I learn about quiting high school? I don't need any school to tell me how to live. I don't need school to be able to help others. And what did I learn about using alcohol? I don't need alcohol to solve my insecurity issues because there are none. How do I know? My future tells me so. My chosen path decides for me. I am a strong willed being who lives outside of society rules, labels, judgements, time constraints, and discrimination. These things are hereby banished from my life from this point forward. I call the shots on my life. I decide what to make of it. I live each experience as if I've never encountered it before because essentially I haven't. Everything feels fresh and alive to me. I am grateful for this journey. Are you holding on to anything from your past? You do know that you don't have to be defined by your past, right? Learn to let it all go because each moment reveals itself in a new way. Nothing ever happens exactly the same way twice.

What are you holding on to? Please share your self judgements below. Subscribe to comments to follow along with the discussion.

Putting My Mom and Molestation Behind Me for Good

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 15:05:00 +0000

The Past
Raise your hand if you were ever molested as a child... I know that not everyone is going to be able to relate to having this happen to them. I blame it all on being the product of a key latch houshold. My dad was whirled away in a storm of divorce and my mom had to work full time to take care of four kids. I don't blame either one of them for their absences. But the fact remains that due to their absences, my brothers and I were given freedoms that no child should be allowed to have.

The boy next door had his way with me whenever he got the chance. Mom's "boy toys" were always right there to take notice of how attractive I was becoming as my body matured. Dating back to about the age of 6 all the way to the age of 18, I was the victim of this type of disgusting, manish behavior from seemingly every guy I ran into and every guy my mom ran into. So, you think that's sad? Oh no. The sad part is that when I finally became brave enough to tell my mom about all of my shamefully explicit encounters, her direct reply to me was (no I'm not making this up and I quote)

"Mariah, you know stuff like that happened to me all the time when I was a little girl. Sometimes things like that just happen."

WOW! Really? That's what you say to your daughter when she's trying to open up to you? I realize that a parenting manual doesn't pop out with the afterbirth, but geez a little effort would have been niice. Or maybe, this is the way she truly felt. I have no idea what made her say it, but I was floored as you can imagine. Still, I managed to be respectful to her.

I went on about my daily life and soon I had my own child. I was willing to let things be until the madness was exposing itself to my very own baby boy. So I did what I suppose any sensible person would or should do in a case like this. I distanced myself from her. It was so hard at first because my mom raised me. I loved her and I had to keep telling myself that I wasn't visiting as much because it was for the best interest of my child. I mean seriously, would you leave your child in the hands of someone who thinks molestion is a normal part of growing up?

The Future
Extreme scenario 1: The cycle is repeating itself. I've felt sorry for her. She's missing out on the development of her grandchildren and I know this saddens her even if she won't directly admit it. I feel deep pity for her and take the kids over to her house to visit ocassionally. This makes me feel miserable because I can not forgive her nonchalant attitude about my childhood. She starts dating again and her deep desire to live the married life gets her into another bogus relationship. The kids (or I) am subjected to sexual predation. A fight ensues. Past emotions build in both of us. The kids are then exposed to hatred. Soon, stress mounts on both sides.

Extreme scenario 2: I haven't seen her for years. The kids are doing great in school. My oldest son doesn't really remember her. The younger two don't even know she exists. They aren't missing anything because they were never introduced to it in the first place. You can't miss what you never had, right? Actually, I take that back. They are missing out on the abuse, negativity, and thoughtlessness that may have manifested had they been allowed to be in her presence. They are healthy young boys with bright promising futures and deep connection with their own spirituality. Man, that even felt more soothing to write than Extreme Scenario 1.

The Present
Isn't it amazing how time travel works? Today, my kids are living without their grandmother. I have no plans to introduce them to her (or reintroduce). I feel that the things they are missing out on far outweigh the devastation that could become their reality. I don't feel apologetic because I know I've given it considerable thought. I surround myself with positive people and positive situations for a reason and I want the same things for my kids. Why shouldn't they be happy? I don't intend to introduce any poisons into their lives. If they want poison, they can find it for themselves when they are able to take care of themselves. For now, we're living stress-free and I'm living mom-free. I'm done trying to make it "work out".

How would you handle your mom if you were in this situation with her? Do you think I'm being too harsh? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below. Subscribe to comments to follow the discussion.

Deepak Chopra "The Way of the Wizard" (book)

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 21:27:00 +0000

The Way of the Wizard
Have you ever thought about yourself in the future? If you have, you're well on your way to spiritual freedom. This book explains how to go from feeling like gum stuck to the bottom of a millionaire's shoe to feeling like the air we breathe...untouchable.

What I've learned
Our true selves are not our bodies that we can see physically. We are instead energy that is ever changing and immortal. We exist outside of time constraints. Our physical world was manifested just for the experience of finding our true selves again. This explains why our deepest desires are meant to be fulfilled. Having our desires fulfilled means we are gradually weaned from the physical to our true spiritual essence of energy.

Why I recommend it to you
Most people live their lives miserably. They try to fill a void within themselves by buying new things, making new friends, or starting romantic relationships. But as you and I both know, new things eventually gather dust, friends eventually get bored, and romances get overwhelmed. So what happens when things don't go right? We freak out! We wonder what we did to deserve the crap end of the stick. If you read this book, you will understand that the key to your happiness in within you. It's been there all the time. You just have to be willing to have an open mind to see it for yourself.

Share your thoughts
I strongly encourage you to read this book. I found it at my public library, but it would make a great addition to your collection at home. I'm a geek so excuse me for assuming you collect books the way I do. I encourage you to bring your thoughts about this book here for discussion. Please share what you've learned and whether or not you thought it was a good fit for your own life.

Book discussion is open! Go grab "The Way of the Wizard" and meet me back here for discussion. Subscribe to comments to be informed of updates in this thread.

The Chosen Ones...Life Values

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 18:40:00 +0000

Read the revised version of this post here.

These are the values I've chosen to guide my life outcome. I want to live my life for the experiences rather than for material reasons. I think this life path suits who I really am and who I'd like to become.

1. Personal Growth
2. Integrity
3. Courage
4. Optimism
5. Health
6. Respect
7. Diversity
8. Adaptability
9. Comfort
10. Creativity

As of now, these are my most strongly held values in order of importance to me. None of these words are meant to resonate with any other being besides myself. Using this basic list, I can now know what direction is best for my life. And at this point, I realize that I am still growing and my values may change. However, I feel that this is a firm start on shaping how I will live my life in order to achieve the outcome I desire. Good thing adaptability is one of my values...

I'd love to read your own list of values. What's most important to you in life?

Choosing Your Life Values

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 18:37:00 +0000

Read the revised version of this post here.

So I've been giving great attention to the meaning of my life and where I'd like to end this journey. Before I can do that though, I had to first recognize what's most important to me. This was no easy task. I had to sort through the years of social conditioning and past experiences. I didn't want my list of values to be biased in any way. I wanted it to have meaning directly related to me as an individual, or should I say directly related to my conscious self. To finalize my list of values, I had to do quite a bit of soul searching.

To begin, I created a rough draft based on how I've been choosing to live in the past. I looked for patterns of strong emotion. I looked for patterns of activities that I am naturally drawn to. This long process came up with about 18 words that I felt I already reflected in some way or another.

At this point, I went through each one and took out any that I felt were empty justifications of being human. In other words, I removed words that were not what I valued, but what I thought I should value. Even in my attempt to figure out who I am, I was still trying to please other people. Basically, those were no good so I shortened the list to 11 words.

With those 11 words, I went through each one again. This time I fast forwarded to my much older self. I closed my eyes and envisioned my life the way I wanted it to be in old age. Then, looking at my list of words, I made sure that each one fit in with that vision. If any of the words felt even slightly off-putting, it had to go. There were 4 off-putting words! Guess what? They had to go.

In my last step, I revised what i had come up with. The remaining 7 words were put in order of importance. I think I read that list at least 100 times just to make sure that the words all felt right. They did and I ended up adding 3 more words. Now that I think about it, those last 3 don't seem all that necessary, but they still feel right. I tried leaving them out, but the list felt incomplete. So now I have a list of 10 values that I feel very strongly about and I'm confident that they will carry me through a long and fulfilling lifetime.

Have you created a list of your own values? If so, what method did you use?

The Sabbotage of My Mind

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 18:30:00 +0000

I wrote a post about my values in which I was misled severely. My mind, with all of its emotions and labels, led me to believe that those were in fact the values I want to live by. Appearently, until I train my thoughts to agree with my spirit, this will be a natural reoccurance. However, I recognize my mind's interference and I have made adjustments accordingly.

If you like, you can read my mind's "perfect" values here. They are perfectly misleading. You can read my spirit's values here. Living for the present has once again proved to point me to my true self. I love my life :)

Acceptance of My Current State of Mind

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 17:22:00 +0000

I do not have all of the answers.
It's very difficult to realize that I don't have all of the answers for my life. It's scary and confusing because what I think I want for myself is not true. Everytime I get to a point where I think I've figured something out, I learn something new about who I really am.

I am more than I appear to be.
I am not my past experiences. I am not my roles I play on Earth. I am not my emotions. I am not my physical body. I am so much more than these things. I am energy that lives outside the constraints of time. I am consciousness that gives life to all.

My mind is sabotaging my efforts to be great.
I realize that if I can not set aside my mind's point of view, I will never experience my greatness. That brings me back to my fears and the whole point of this journal. I FEEL like I will be judged for my mistakes here. I FEEL ashamed of not knowing my true self. I FEEL insecure about my future. The truth is, these feelings do not define me. I have nothing to be afraid of. I wanted to erase my previous posts and start over but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to push through this and move on, knowing that I have made a small growth transformation.

My physical body is not meant to be perfect.
So, in closing, I would like to say that my mind is always churning and my emotions are always fighting to be heard, but I will continue to put my fears aside and post what is really in my heart as I go. I will not get tangled up in the emotions that make me want to behave "perfectly" because I realize that there is no perfect. Perfect is some misunderstood childhood notion that I can choose to not be a part of.

There is no reason to feel apologetic.
Now, with that said, this journal will represent my true personal growth journey. On this journey, there will be no such thing as perfect, or fear, or right, or wrong, or good, or bad. Everything that happens will be in the present and therefore completely true. If I live in the present, there will be no reason to feel apologetic. My mind can not be trusted to define who I am as a supreme Being, but I can live for right now and trust that everything that is happening is true. My emotions will be the result of what is currently happening and therefore more reliable. By living in the present, I will not even give my emotions the opportunity to sabbotage my efforts.

Where True Love Comes From

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 15:52:00 +0000

Things exist because they do.
Humans, and everything else on this Earth, have come to be by the joining together of super-micro ions as they float naturally. Everything came together because that is what it was going to do anyway. We as humans can not make air, it simply is. We can not create rocks, they simply are. Matter is matter because it was always going to be. There are many physical and chemical changes that happen that are totally outside of anyone or anything's control simply because it is. If you use your imagination to go backwards in time, you can see that everything is evolving. It doesn't need a reason to evolve or happen. It doesn't need permission. It just happens due to the natural cause and effect of the universe.

Your awareness is what makes these random occurances mean anything.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise? I would have to be inclined to say no. In fact, without awareness, I would have to say the tree does not exist at all. The tree as we know it would just be one of the many random causes of the random events of the universe. Our unique awarenes is what gives life to the tree or deadness to the discarded glass bottle. If we didn't possess awareness as a conscious being, these things would have absolutely no meaning. Someone had to first give notice to things in order to make it special. Everything we see is loved by our awareness. Only out of love can we have a feeling about it. Our bodies are just matter. The body and the mind could not have awareness on thier own because they are just more random causes of random events of the universe.

True love can be felt only when you realize you are love.
What makes a flower beautiful? What makes life important? What allows us to notice colors in a rainbow? Love. And this love comes from our awareness. Again, without our awareness, we would just be droning masses of matter merely existing and living out survival instincts of the mind. We wouldn`t take notice of anything and nothing would have value. This type of love is not the material love we think of when we hear the word. When we fear something, we must love it or we wouldn't care. Care is what love is all about. Caring for everything is the ultimate love. It means that you are in-tune with your consciousness and remain aware of your surroundings at all times. Being aware that you have awareness is an even higher mark of love because it allows you freedom from the material world. You will no longer search for love in the world outside because you realize there is no outside. You are bursting with love. You are love because you are awareness.

Now, I would like for you to close your eyes and try to imagine this world without love. What are you noticing about how people interact with other people and things around them? Please share your thoughts.

Long Term Goals and Short Term Goals.. There is a Difference

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Thu, 30 Dec 2010 15:41:00 +0000

We've all made goals at some point in our lives. Some goals we accomplish, some we are still working on achieving, and some are tossed aside in frustration. This has to be the best definition of the majority of the goals I've tried to complete in the past. That's because I was missing some very important information about goals. I had to discover the big difference between long term and short term goals. The difference is so big that they cannot even be listed together on the Great To-Do List.

Long term goals are more like the overall way we wish to live our lives. These goals serve as a destination that could never be finalized. They are something we can always be working on. For instance, my long term goals fall along the lines of:

personal growth
being optimistic
being honest
living a healthy life
having fun
being creative

Your list may be entirely different from mine. The idea here is to have your long term goals reflect your top ten life values. Steve Pavlina has a posted an extensive list of values that I find incredibly useful for figuring out my own values. Once you've narrowed your list down to ten values, you can them turn them into long term goals.

Your short term goals are going to be the ones that help you live out your long term goals. For instance, I wish to live a creative life. So no matter what short term goals I choose, I should try to add some creativity to everything I do. Therefore, one of my short term goals could be learing to paint on canvas or I could learn to act on Broadway. Those are just two ways in which I could live creatively. Obviously, there are numerous ways to achieve that lifestyle and live out that specific long term goal.

Through the separation of long term and short term goals, I am able to create the life experiences I desire. My short term goals will act as my means to my long term goal ends. I want my short term goals to allow me to look back over my life and show how I've accomplished living out my values. I will allow my short term goals to serve as my life experiences that allow me to live out long term goals everyday.

I'm ready to shape my life into what I want it to be and take full control. To do that, I know I must not only choose my long and short term goals, but I must follow through as well. What are your short term and long term goals? What would you like to see when you look back over the span of your life?

Autopilot vs Full Control

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 17:45:00 +0000

Have you ever lied in bed at night wondering where your day went? You know you ate a meal because there are dishes in the sink. You know you showered because you're clean and there's a mysterious pile of dirty laundry on the floor. You did a lot, but you don't really remember anything. This feeling comes from living on autopilot. When you let life happen to you, you become a slave of habits. Not saying that all habits are bad, but if you wish to truly experience life, you have to be there mentally, spiritually, and physically at every single moment.

I make my life about the experience. I mean really, what else is there to life? It doesn't matter how big or small you perceive the event to be. What's important is that you live in that moment and that moment alone. It's very difficult to change from autopilot to full control, but it is possible and it's a great experience if you can pull it off.

To get out of autopilot mode, I've set my cell phone to ring every hour as a reminder to pay attention to my surroundings. I do this every hour for at least five minutes. The purpose of this is to do it so often that it becomes second nature. When I'm living from experience to experience instead of on autopilot, I feel no stress about bills or what I'm going to have for dinner. There is no past nor future. I simply breathe in everything that's going on right then. I focus on each of my senses and express gratitude for what I am able to see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. I express gratitude for my thoughts right at that moment. I express gratitude for my vehicle that is my body. And in those moments, I know that I don't NEED anything else. I already have everything to make my life what I want it to be.

There are many things you may have been missing in your life simply because you weren't really there. I'm on day 3 of living in the moment and I have to say it's very confusing in the beginning. The most difficult part, I would have to say, is keeping your mind from drifting into the future or the past. It comes as a fun challenge though and I believe I'm getting better. The best experience I've had so far??? I actually noticed my son for the first time in a long time. Sure, I see him everyday, but I've been on autopilot for so long that I've forgotten who he was. Terrible I know, but I can appreciate him a lot more now and I'm glad I made this change in my life. I'd love to hear about your experiences while living in the moment. What are you missing in your life?

New Year's Resolution Worth Keeping

noreply@blogger.com (Mariah) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 19:06:00 +0000

Every year I say it and by about the 10th day of the year or so, I forget or quit or fail. The problem with making a New Year's resolution is that I've never known where I want to be in life. I barely know who I am but I'm working on it. I think the best New Year's resolution I can create for myself would be to discover who I am and who I want to be.

Walk with me for a minute here. I'm slowly turning my life into a dream world where I can create the life I want just by changing my level of consciousness. By being more aware of myself and my surroundings, I hope that I can create a sort of oneness that allows me to live any life I choose. Sort of like the Matrix movie, I can feed chunks of knowledge to myself and learn as I go. I expect wonderous things from this way of life.

The idea is to live a life of gratitude for what I already have, concentrate on what I want, live out my current life values, and share whatever I can with others. In creating this oneness, I can realize that by sharing with others, I am in essence sharing with myself. I am living a judge-free life and learning to see things from multiple perspectives.

I actually started this journey on December 9, 2010 and it was so overwhelming and life altering. From then, I've begun living a more conscious life, all day everyday. I've found that the more I allow myself to live in the moment, the less stress I'm exposed to. I've also found out that I'm the only one causing the stress in my life and that any stress still lingering is only a flaw for me to dive deeper into. To get rid of it, I have to sort things out for myself and find out why I'm still holding on to it. Let go of the fears so to speak.

Anyway more about those things later. I could go on about my experiences forever and it's only been about a month. I haven't even scratched the surface of what's to come. For now, I'll just say that my life is changing drastically and I'm loving the experience of it all so far. If you'd like to learn more about changing your own life, go to StevePavlina.com and dive in. My favorite topic there is about subjective reality. I think you'll find it quite interesting or you'll just think I'm a loon for believing in such a thing. But either way, I'm glad to be on this path and encourage you to try it yourself. If you have any questions or need help, just ask. What are your New Year's resolutions?