Part Time Authors

On Set for "Inspired Guns"

2013-05-17T10:36:00.001-06:00

Good morning!

Today I'm writing from my iPad mini, in an old warehouse, at a train yard, while I wait for it to be my turn in the wardrobe Winnebago. It's my second day of four on a movie shoot for "Inspired Guns." I play an eager FBI agent who has pushed a pencil his entire career and is finally getting a taste of the field. I bet it sounds like I'm the star. I'm not. And that's fine.

It's a comedy. The movie is about missionaries, mafia, hit men, dreams, gangs, snipers, investigators, and baptism. Well, it HAS those things; it's about more than that. It's about patience, judgement, love, brothers, companionship, and has a few surprises. The more I'm around the movie, the more I'm proud to be in it.

Here's also why it's been fun:

- It stars Jake Suazo, Christian Busaith, Rick Macy, Scott Berringer, and many more fantastic actors you may know. Look it up on IMDB. My FBI partner (Scott) worked with Brad Pitt on "The Mexican"!

- I'm using vacation days so I'm getting double paid!

- The crew is very professional and fast.

- Everyone is nice.

- I get a gun and a badge.

- There is a full breakfast every morning. I had a breakfast burrito today.

- The writer/director Adam White is one of the nicest, coolest guys ever.

- It's not Italy but I get to be on locations like this ...

Anyway, I've got to get in the make up chair. It takes a team of people to make this 41 year-old look 31.

If you feel so ... inclined ... go to Facebook and Like "Inspired Guns" for more info and pics and stuff. Let me know if you have questions in the comments. Quiet on the set!

I (think I) Am a Winner!!

2013-05-16T00:55:00.003-06:00

I have always been an optimist. And a bit of a dreamer. My wife is definitely the pragmatist in our relationship. I always kind of imagine that the best will happen. And lately I have noticed that this manifests itself in an odd way: I think I am going to win every contest I enter. I don't just hope I will win. Or fantasize that I will win. I LITERALLY think I am going to win. This week Apple is giving away a $10,000 iTunes gift card to the person who downloads the 50,000,000,000 app. I have downloaded about 100 free apps this week to increase my odds and have already planned out how I plan on spending the $10,000. I even checked to make sure my phone number is up-to-date on my Apple account to make it easy for them to call me. I also am sure I am going to win $200 from the Beehive Bazaar for their #secondweekend contest. (They were doing the same giveaway last weekend and I had already decided how I was spending that gift card...which I didn't win. ) I am waiting for an email from the Pioneer Woman telling me I won a Kitchenaid. And I still am wondering why HGTV hasn't called me to tell me I won the Dream Home 2013. (Every year I spend lots of hours contemplating if I will actually move to the Dream Home, if I will keep it as a vacation home, or if I will sell it.)

This winning feeling is in no way based on fact or truth. I have literally won 3 things in my whole life: An early copy of a book called After the Golden Age. The Lower Lights first CD. And a weeks worth of free vegetables from a CSA. 3 wins out of 1.5 million entries in various contests, giveaways, etc. and you would think I would have a little perspective. Not be SO SURE that I am going to win every time I enter something.

Last year when I was out of work for a year, I did the same thing. I would simply apply for a job, and before they company had even called me to set up an initial interview, I would already be working there in my mind. I would plan what I was going to buy first with my company discount, and try and figure out where I would stop for diet cokes on my morning commute. And then the company would never call me and I would never even interview, let alone come close to getting the job.

Is this a good thing? I'm not sure. I guess it's good to be hopeful. But I am actually kind surprised (and bummed) when I don't win these things. Even as I am writing this I am thinking how funny it will be when a few hours after I publish this I get a call from both Apple and the Beehive Bazaar telling me that I won my $10,000 and my $200 respectively. Because clearly I am going to win, right?

i got stuff to say

2013-05-15T00:21:00.001-06:00

I'm not going to assume that you want to spend 45 minutes listening to me yammer on and on, but I'm going to give you the opportunity anyway! Happy birthday!

I did an interview with Richie T and Molly Mormon of the Cultural Hall podcast. It was a lot of fun. I think you might like it. It would be great to listen to if you were having to fold lots and lots of socks one afternoon, or if you were driving to Idaho. I don't expect you to just sit down and listen to it for the sake of just listening to it, unless you are Josh.

Anyway, here it is. I sort of come out as a Mormon Artist here. I hope you like it. Sorry about the dumb Harry Potter story.

Zzyzx!

2013-05-14T07:00:00.000-06:00

Once, my brother was driving with his wife to Las Vegas. She made the comment that they never talk while they drive they just sit and stare out the window. His response was that's what everyone does.

Still he took note.

The next time they were driving to Vegas (apparently this brother has a gambling/drinking/stripper problem...though there is also a Temple in Vegas so maybe they were going there) he had thought ahead. He had taken a week and prepared, on his phone, a list of interesting topics to discuss on the drive.

So, just at the moment when the day to day conversation had piddled out he asked, "What are your thoughts about the rights of a polygamist to marry multiple times as it relates to the rights of homosexual marriage?*"

Taken aback but intrigued by the topic they engaged in a discussion. When that had run it course he hit her with, "Don't you think the decision have mortgage insurance last the life of the loan, as opposed to it's current 80% drop off, was egregious?!*"

She, noting his effort, joined in and they continued to discourse at 85 miles an hour. The time flew by and he told me that they really did connect and really got into some big topics that did impact their lives. The sun was setting and they were still laughing and speeding and talking and liking and then, when the topic of the voting rights of inmates came to an end, she noticed him flick out his phone, down by his leg, scroll down for a moment and then offer up, "Didn't you think Amanda totally redeemed herself in the reunion special of Project Runway?"

"Do you have notes?!" She asked.

"What?!"

"Are you getting conversation topics from your phone?!"

"Yes, but I was the one who made them?!"

"Is it so hard to talk to me off the cuff that you had to get a crib sheet?!!"

"No, well, yes, but they took me a week and..."

"IT TOOK YOU A WEEK TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?!! AM I HARD TO TALK TO? "

"No! You just said we just stare out the window and so I came up with an agenda!"

"Well now I have an agenda! To shove that phone up your scrawny Zzyzx hole!"

******

Alright, well I wasn't there so I don't know how it went, but what I do know I understood both sides. I wrote this from the point of view of my brother who told me the story and who I promptly, and without permission, stole it from. But, if his wife's initial concern was we have a hard time talking on these long trips, then his abundant effort to fix it was actually an admission that said problem did exists and required abundant effort to fix!

He thought he nailed it, and then he got nailed. They sat in silence for the rest of the trip, even though his phone pulsed with engaging suggestions. And I know what you are going to say, I'm actually thinking the same thing right now, he should have just laid it out from the begininning, "So, I know how you think we don't talk on these long trips so I have spent the week coming up with interesting topics if we find we need it."

Then she hasn't been duped. She's not the one on the outside of a scheme, she's part of the scheme. I don't know a lot about women, but I know they love a good scheme.

The best part of this story was when he was telling me about the conversation they had before he got caught. He really did remember what she said and how the whole thing felt nice and interesting and thoughtful and he learned things about his wife of over a decade that he hadn't known. And so he didn't tell this story the way I told it, his was borring and intimate and shared the blame between the two of them, he also never told me she said she'd shove the phone anywhere. But I have to write a blog and I can't just tell stories about how much one of my brothers thinks his wife is still interesting and funny and sees things such a particular way that it still baffles him that he got to marry her. NO ONE CARES! They want to hear a good phone shoving story and that, gental readers, is what you got.

*Not anywhere near the actual questions

Molokai Style

2013-05-13T09:09:00.001-06:00

As the weather warms up and summer approaches, I have to tell you a Summer Story. It was twenty-five years ago this summer when my dad moved us to Hawaii.

It all began one night after dinner, circa 1986. My dad sat us all down and, unassisted by alcohol or peyote, told us that we were going to sell our house, buy a boat, and sail around the world. He had seven children, a flourishing CPA business, and apparently, a low tolerance for living out his days in Middle America. I was 15 and not impressed with this plan. If I could go back in time, I would smack my 15-year old self, because of course it would be incredible to live a life of globetrotting; but at the time, I was not thrilled with the dangers of the high seas. Sharks, pirates, and a lack of church dances left a bad taste in my mouth.

Fortunately, I had a plan. I suggested that before we do anything irrational we should probably rent the Harrison Ford movie, Mosquito Coast, wherein an eccentric and dogmatic inventor sells his house and takes his family to Central America – by boat – to build an ice factory in the middle of the jungle. He goes completely crazy. At least…I think he does. The movie was kind of slow, so most of us kids left my parents watching it while we went into the other room and watched a rerun episode of Who’s the Boss?, starring a pre-skanky Alyssa Milano and small screen sensation Tony Danza. Riveting.

The plan must have worked, and Dad must have recognized the dangers of going crazy at sea (as well as the dangers of assuming that every Harrison Ford movie would be sensational—anything post 1995, I’m looking in your direction), because he never brought up the plan again and simultaneously stopped insisting we answered him with an “Ai, ai, Captain” whenever he asked us to do something. Who’s the boss now?

But he was still restless.

Fast-forward to 1988.

We had another Family Meeting. This time, Dad explained that we would be selling our home and leaving all things glorious in Southern California for the opportunity to move to a tiny Hawaiian island by the name of Molokai. While there were decidedly fewer opportunities to be attacked by sharks or pirates while on land (equal opportunities for church dances), I wasn't convinced this was a great alternative. However there were zero movies starring Harrison Ford about a man going crazy in Hawaii. Unless you count the original screenplay for Temple of Doom, which was supposed to take place in Hawaii instead of India. Which also, I just made that up.

I had no way to thwart my father’s plan, so in August of 1988, we moved from Westlake, California to Kualapu’u, (pronounced, no joke, koala-poo-oo), Molokai, Hawaii. An island only six miles wide and thirty miles long.

When you tell people you lived on Molokai, you get one of two responses. “Never heard of it” or “Isn't that where the lepers are?” You are correct on both accounts. For the most part, even people who live on another Hawaiian island raise their eyebrows and are most surprised to hear that there are people alive and well on Molokai. In short, you will not find Molokai in your Fabulous Hawaiian Vacation brochure. Unless you were hoping to see the lepers; but even then, there isn't much left of them. (Zoing! Thank you, I'll be here all week.)

August 1988 was the month before I started my senior year in high school. Do you know how hard it is to move out of the state just before your senior year in high school? Not nearly as difficult as it is to find people who feel bad for you, since you are moving to Hawaii and they are not.

To pass the time on our flight from L.A. to Honolulu, I did a great deal of blubbering. I blubbered over the girl I was leaving in California; I blubbered over missing the suburb where I grew up; I blubbered over being an entire ocean away from In-N-Out; I blubbered over the in-flight movie (Three Men &a Baby, an emotional rollercoaster of love, laughter, and life lessons); and I blubbered over the hits-of-the-day tunes on my Walkman, including Cheap Trick’s The Flame, Guns n’ Roses Sweet Child of Mine, and Bobby McFerrin’s Don’t Worry, Be Happy. (I've never wanted to throat-punch somebody more. Honestly, Bobby. You should worry; because if we ever meet, I am going to slap the “happy” right out of you.)

We spent a few days on Oahu doing all the touristy stuff we could manage to cram into our mini-stop – including the Polynesian Cultural Center, cliff jumping at Waimea Bay, walking Waikiki, flying in a glider plane, and touring the Dole Pineapple Plantation. It sounds like we were sitting in the lap of luxury, yes? But you forget. My dad had just taken a leave of absence from employment, he had seven children, and all these fun activities cost a ridiculous amount of money. How do you fund such an outing? Well, you do away with hotels and three square meals a day. That’s how.

We spent those first four days on Oahu in a minivan, my friend. We subsisted on bread and fresh fruit, purchased each morning. We spent the bulk of each day swimming at the beach, then driving around in wet swim suits, with wet towels (because nothing ever completely dries in humid places such as the Islands). By day four, I can’t describe the odious funk that permeated that minivan. Mildew-saturated towels and clothing, combined with old fruit rinds, combined with teenage body odor. (Man, I missed church dances.)

The nights were the worst, really. Dad would drive around until it got late enough that the police stopped patrolling the beaches. Then he’d pull over and some of us would throw our towels out onto the sand and sleep, and some of the more fortunate souls called dibs on the seats in the van. It was a catch-22. Van seats weren't comfortable, but you ran the risk of being eaten alive by mosquitoes outside. I was so impressed when Dad handed that minivan back into Alamo Rental with a straight face.

Eventually we flew over to Molokai with about a week and half until school started. Here I have listed a few of my first impressions about Molokai:

It smells fantastic.
The dirt is red.
There are no stoplights.
There are barely any stop signs.
Nobody pays attention to the stop signs.
Everyone leaves their keys in the car ignition, because everybody knows which car belongs to whom. (Population: 6,000 folks.)
Everyone picks up hitchhikers.
The east end of the island is lush, with lagoons and an almost jungle-like feel; and the winding roads to get there make the trip longer than anywhere else you could go on the island. The west end is almost desert-like until you reach the coast, where the white-sand beaches are amazing. The north end holds the Guinness Book of World Records for the highest sea cliffs – and at the bottom is a peninsula, where the lepers live. The south end of the island has the wharf, groves of palm trees, and some restaurants and residential areas.

My brother and I eating octopus that had just come out of that water right behind us.

Some things that made life easier:

I got to visit another island almost once a month, for some school, church, or family-related activity.
The local grocery store owner had Haagen-Dazs ice cream imported weekly just for our family.
The first video store on the island opened the same week we moved there. Coincidence? Not hardly.
I made friends that were more accepting than I had ever anticipated, and they kept me sane.
The beach, the beach, the beach.

I knew I was becoming localized when:

I ate sticky rice, poi, Portuguese sausage, and raw squid at 6:00 a.m. at Seminary Breakfast Parties.
I left my keys in my car ignition at all times.
I didn't always wear shoes to school.

I was only there the one year – my senior year of high school. After that I left for college and my parents later moved to Lake Tahoe while I was on my LDS mission. But Molokai will always a hold a special place in my soul. And Harrison Ford will always have a string of blockbuster hits to distract us from Hollywood Homicide.

If You Had to Wake Up to One Song Forever

2013-05-10T12:51:00.000-06:00

Scenario: If you had to pick one song that would play to wake you up for the rest of your days, what would you pick?

This morning, my wife and I tried to figure that out for our daughter using Spotify. She has trouble waking up in the morning at times. Here are some songs that we tried, with mixed reactions and results:

Eye of the Tiger by Survivor: A few measures in, Amelia and I begin a synchronized dance. Nine year-old daughter looks at us horrified. We keep dancing.
Welcome to the Jungle by Guns n' Roses: At this point my nine year-old daughter left the kitchen, went to her room, and turned off the light. I play air guitar.
Back in Black by AC/DC
Wildflower by The Cult: I then yelled to her over Ian Astbury that I had questions about the smoothie I was making for her. So she came back out, cautiously.
When Doves Cry by Prince: Eye roll.
Kiss by Prince: A string of eye rolls.
Raspberry Beret by Prince: Daughter not buying the French angle I'm selling because of her involvement with French Immersion at school. Enough Prince.
Rain in the Summertime by the Alarm: I don't know. I was reaching. Trying to find common ground.
You Take Me Up by Thompson Twins
Once in a Lifetime by Talking Heads
Centerfold by J. Geils Band: Success! Nailed it! This is the one she wants to play every morning. Why? Because, "It sounds just like the Marshmallow Song!" I can't find the version she's thinking of anywhere.

I think this will need to be a continuing experiment. I still haven't found my personal wake up song. I think Amelia favors Eye of the Tiger. So, let me ask you, readers, what do you think your morning wake up song should be? You may have some good ideas and, really, I can't have my daughter cheerily waking up to a song about pornography.

Tonight I died. And went to Heaven.

2013-05-08T23:44:00.001-06:00

I have a dream. It's about me, a whole bunch of food trucks, an endless pocket full of money and me eating until I am sick. You see, I love food. The more interresting and unique the better, and no one does interresting and unique food better than food trucks. But unless you live or work in an Urban area where there are a lot of food trucks near your office, they aren't usually that convienent to get to. And unless you've been to them before, you kinda don't know what you are going to get. When Amy and I lived near Portland for our anniversay one year we went and stayed downtown one weekend. I was so excited to hit the food truck scene for lunch (in Portland they are not actually trucks - they are more permanent and all clustered in a few blocks) only to discover that the food trucks are all closed on Saturday because no one is working in the city. I was bummed.

Tonight, my food truck dream came true. I am at a work conference this week and tonight was one of our parties. It was down by the water in San Francisco, but it was windy and cold so I wasn't super excited. But when we got to the venue, we learned that dinner would be provided by 17 different food trucks. And, everything was paid for by the company so you could get whatever you want, as much as you want for free. Let me say that again: There were 17 food trucks and I could go up to them, order what I wanted, not pay for it. and then go to the next truck. I think I gained about 7 pounds tonight, but it was worth it.

I learned a few strategies. Like when I went to the truck that was serving Grilled Macaroni and cheese sandwiches...let me give that a moment to sink in. It was basically a grilled cheese sandwich. With bacon. And macaroni and cheese ON THE SANDWICH. Anyway, when I got my half of a sandwich it came with potato chips. I immediately threw them away. I don't have room for potato chip tonight, sir! I said, GOOD DAY! Or when the line for the Taco truck (where I got a taco with roasted poblanos, corn, sauteed mushrooms and queso fresco) was kind of long. I went next door to the Indian food truck, got my Kati roll stuffed with Chicken Tiki Masala and then ate that while I was waiting in the taco line. Once we figured out that the trucks didn't care how much we ordered (because it was free) we would just start ordering one of everything and then share with our friends. Rather than committing to one item, you could have a little taste of many items. So yes, I DO want a Pork Slider with cabbage and arugula slaw AND your smoked pork ribs. And no, ma'am, I don't want to decide if I'd rather have a Salted caramel, double vanilla or red velvet cupcake. I'd like one of each. In fact, I'd like TWO of each.

Did I eat to much? Absolutely. Am I going to have heart burn all night? You betcha? Is it hard for me to understand why no one else has ever thought of putting macaroni and cheese and bacon on a grilled cheese sandwich? I have literally had trouble thinking of anything else all night. But for a food nerd like me, it was heaven on earth. And when are you going to get a chance like that again? Probably never. So pass the lobster roll, the veggie empanada, the pork belly bao with pickled daikon and the Nutella and strawberry crème brûlée. Heaven is a beautiful place.

battle of the bulge

2013-05-08T12:25:00.000-06:00

First off, I apologize for the title. Bulge might be the worst word ever. Say it a bunch of times. It's really the worst.

Like many of you, I'm paranoid to turn on the news and see that someone has used my fat belly as stock footage for a segment on obesity. It literally pushes me to go to the gym every morning. I'm not going to be that fat guy, even if they don't show my face! I refuse to be objectified. I'm also always on the lookout for low-lying camera operators.

I have come up with a series of tips to lose weight. Are you proud of me? You should be! I haven't actually lost any weight, but I feel GREAT. Here's a few thoughts:

1. When I eat at fast food establishments (every day - I'm super busy) I order a combo but I only eat HALF of the fries. You have to sacrifice!

2. When my kids want to play at a friends house, even if it's a block away, I'll drive them there. But I'll scoop them up out of the car and carry them to the door! Even Miles. You should see my arms!

3. I wear light, loose fitting clothes so that when I weigh myself I weigh less.

4. I "think thin" like French ladies do. It's all in your mind. I also wear clothes for thin people because that tricks everyone into thinking I'm thin, too. Size small t-shirts from Target seem to really slim me up.

5. Have you guys played Just Dance on the wii? What are you waiting for? It's a riot - and what a workout! I like to do one song, and then I watch my kids do about a hundred. It's really great family time.

6. Even when I'm in front of the computer I keep working out! I constantly flex my glutes. I'm doing it right now!

7. When my doctor says I'm a "bit high" in my obesity range during a check-up, I remember that he's a hater and just jealous.

8. I try not to be an emotional eater. I do this by cutting out ALL EMOTIONS. I feel nothing. I am a robot. If you ever see me crying it's because I'm just acting. (Remember - I'm a trained actor!)

9. I will never judge anyone for being overweight, because I understand their struggle. But I try to be proactive and remind them to "try a little harder," and sometimes I will pinch their tummies (good naturedly) just to say "you can do it!"

10. I only eat Lean Cuisines for lunch. Well, Lean Cuisines and a giant donut for dessert.

These are just some things that work for me. What are your diet tips?

The Dad of a Son

2013-05-07T07:00:00.000-06:00

So next week I am going to have been a Dad of a son for a year. It's been pretty good, nothing real crazy, he walked faster then my daughter, though I think second children do; they need to keep up. He is a much better eater, he's more aggressive in his dancing then she was, but all in all, they haven't been much different.

When I was younger...a little more then one year younger, I was petrified to have a son. I don't play sports, I am not tall, I've only been in one fight in my life and I was more feral raccoon then mighty lion. Also, I use metaphors of animals to explain fierceness in fighting. You know, that kind of guy. And it's not that I think boys should play sports or fight to prove they are boys, but the truth is, some of them do. Some boys just come out liking throwing balls and tackling strangers and kicking teeth, just like some boys come out liking to dance or sing or twirl...as it is with all kids, you just never know what you are going to get.

The guy I used to work with (yes, THE, as in the only guy) was getting a baby the same time I was getting a baby and we talked often about the terror of raising wrestlers or, what, kick boxers?!. I mean, we work in women's clothing...wait, strike that...we sell women's clothing, but do not work in it. Anyway, we are guys that have the ability to explain what a cloche is and how to wear it. We, neither of us, could tell you who played in the Super Bowl in 1969...or 2012 for that matter or for THAT matter, which sport the Super Bowl is the championship of. Some guys just like different stuff, and that's great! That's amazing, as long as my son doesn't like different stuff then me.

I take comfort in the fact that there really are men out there whose biggest fear is that their son won't like guns, or sports, or spitting, or that they will like fashion or opera or cloches. While I am the exact opposite, I am, however, no less terrified. "Please, don't let my son want to put on a helmet and smash in to other kids with helmets!", "Please don't let him think it's funny to pick on kids different then him!" "Please let him find value in kindness and inclusion!".

The worst part is, when you grow up and you are not exactly like the other boys, and you sit and seethe on the bench durring dodgeball, and you look at all the other boys who somehow make you feel less than--you make a vow: I will let my son be who ever he wants to be, I will celebrate his choices and empower his decisions! I will love him for exactly who he is and who he wants to be!

It just never occurred to me, he might like football.

"Really?!"

I'm sorry, I'll trying to keep an open mind.

What'cha wearin' to Promz?

2013-05-06T08:28:00.000-06:00

Well, friends, we just made it through another season of high school proms. Whew! Congratulations, everyone!

I’m pretty sure I've talked about this before, but for those who aren't aware, the Craigs are a home schooling family. My oldest still isn't old enough to date, but I have to say that my very favorite response from people when they find out we homeschool – and this has actually happened more than once – is when they say, “What about prom?” Yep. You just read that. What. About. Prom.

Folks…I know we are all doing what we think is best for our children; but if the single purpose for your placing your children in public school is specifically for prom…then I’m going to admit it – I’m a little bit afraid of you.

PROM?!?! I know that according to Disney’s High School Musical 3 prom is the “Night of Nights” and a “Night to Last Forever” and a “Night we’ll never never ever forget.” But seriously, what was your best memory from Prom? Was it choosing between the mint green cummerbund or vest? Or posing awkwardly in front of the white pillars and sparkly backdrop? Was it when you dented your dad's car after you assured him for weeks nothing would happen to it? Or maybe when your date was paying way too much attention to somebody else?

Sure, occasionally you hear an adult reminiscing about prom and with fondness declare, “And that’s the night when I came up with the cure for cancer.” Or maybe, “Ah, prom. That’s where I had the vision for the Flux Capacitor, which is what makes time travel possible.”

But generally, the absolute best-case scenario is that you didn't blow all your money that you could have used for college, and that nobody did anything that…well, that couldn't be undone.

This photo can't be undone.

And when did the phenomenon begin of making Prom a 24-hour date? “Well, we’re going to start at 3 a.m. with breakfast at Denny’s, then go mountain climbing to see the sunrise then jump a plane to Sri Lanka because they have the best rice and curry, then we’re going to stop in Hawaii on the way back – to go bowling – then we’ll drop off our dates to get ready for Prom, then pick them up, then go to dinner at Morton’s Steakhouse and then probably go to the dance, then fly to New York for a Broadway musical, then we’re going over to Tim’s house to make breakfast…and then we’ll wear our tuxes to church the next day.”

According to a Time Magazine article, the average cost of prom this year was $1,139 per attendee. ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED THIRTY-NINE DOLLARS – PER PERSON. Do you know what else you could do with $1,139?

- Buy a car. (Not a good one. But I bought one in college for $900 and it lasted three years.)

- Go to Europe.

- Go to Fiji.

- Build a Flux Capacitor.

So, am I way off? Did Prom change your life for the better?

Thinking of Cutting Cable for the Summer? 4 Sites to Help You Be a Streaming Champ

2013-05-03T13:14:00.000-06:00

Quick post today. No time for sentiment. Iron Man 3 is out and I'm barely able to write this, let alone make it poignant. (Confession: I just spelled that last word as poingnoint, I'm in such a hurry.)

So, here comes summer and you want cut back on your $50 to $200 dollar cable bill. I don't know how much you spend but let's say you don't want to spend it anymore. What are your options?*

Books, games, outings, vacations, movies (theater or DVD), regular TV, tube storage TV, and ... STREAMING everything. I won't focus on anything but streaming here.

The technology we have available these days for streaming TV and movies is remarkable. It's nearly perfect except that, to remain competitive, companies have to offer exclusive content (Netflix, Hulu, Amazon) or keep the content you buy from them locked into their services and/or hardware (Apple, Amazon, Google). So, it won't be perfect until they can all get along and that will never happen. Moving on ...

How can you be a champion streamer? Well, it's more than just having the services. You have to know how to get the most out of the services. Assuming you have access via web, Roku, AppleTV, etc. to the big names in streaming (Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, Vudu, etc.), you can use these sites to queue nearly everything you'd ever need to replace cable for a season. Here they are:

WatchItStream.com
Why it rocks: "Have you ever rented a movie, only to find it streaming on Netflix? Or paid for a show on iTunes, not knowing it was cheaper on Amazon? ... With so many streaming services available, it can be time-consuming to hunt down ... Watch It Stream will show you if it's available on Netflix, Hulu or Amazon Prime Instant. Even if your show is not streaming, the search results will guide you to the cheapest way to purchase the title online or on DVD/Blu-ray."

CanIStreamIt.com
Why it's brilliant: "A free service ... that allows you to search across the most popular streaming, rental, and purchase services to find where a movie is available. If the movie you're looking for is not available, just sign-up, set a reminder and voila we will shoot you an email when your chosen service makes the movie available." It breaks down the services into movies (streaming instant/rental, digital purchase, DVD purchase, and Xfinity subscription) and TV (streaming instant, digital purchase, and Xfinity subscription).

InstantWatcher.com
Why it's helpful: "If you're a frequent viewer of Netflix's streaming fare, you're probably numb to how inefficient the rental service's browsing and search pages can be. InstantWatcher is a soothing balm of clean, fast movie browsing."— Lifehacker Feb 16, 2009

HackingNetflix.com
Why it's hacktastic: This site gives you all the Netflix New Releases for each week including the full list of new DVD releases that week (if you're still having DVDs sent to your home) and a list of interesting streaming releases in that past week. I like that option because I'm always looking for content new to Netflix.

There you go. Use these and you're off to a great summer of viewing in between all the other unfreakinbelieveable activities I'm sure you have planned.

Did I miss any? Have you used any of these? Let us know in the comments.

*This post was inspired by this one.

How Not to Be Bored in the Car

2013-05-02T21:41:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about Topher's post about giving up texting while driving. I drive a lot for work, and I also want to constantly be entertained. I am not someone who is easily "left with my thoughts." I don't even take the trash out without getting my headphones in for something to entertain me for those 4 minutes trash emptying takes. So I am guilty of checking my phone while driving. And if you think logically about if for one second, it is insane. Here I am, going 65 (or more) miles per hour and I am glancing down to see if I have any new likes on Instagram or check and see how many retweets that last funny thing I said got. So I am stopping.

When I commented that I was giving it up, Topher replied and said, "It's not easy. And since I've stopped doing it driving seems SUPER BORING and unproductive. I need to rewire my brain." And so to help in that effort, I present to you my favorite podcasts to entertain you and keep you focused on the road. If you haven't listened to Podcasts, you should. They are free and will keep you entertained, but will keep your mind on the road.

(Side Note: Have you ever noticed that each of us here at PTA kinda has our "thing?" Like I make lists. I call it "lazy writing."Ken tells heartwarming stories about his family. Topher writes absurd but authoritative posts. Patrick writes manic rants that seem like he is talking right to you. And Brett finds iinteresting articles and summarizes them so I don't have to read them. I'm onto all our tricks.)

This American Life This long running show from Chicago Public Radio is one of the best. Each week they pick a topic and explore different elements of it. They range from the absurd (one family's insane myths about Santa Claus) to the sublime (their two part series this spring about Harper High, and inner city high school were multiple kids are killed each year due to gun activity.) It's funny, thought-provoking and amazing. I'm sure it's won a million awards, and it deserves them. If you start listening to only one podcast, make it this one.

NPR Pop Culture Happy Hour is a weekly round table discussion of pop culture. Each week there are three topics. One is usually something current - a movie that came out that week or a new TV show. One is more a meta examination of pop culture - how setting affects how we tell stories or how do TV shows stay relevant season after season. And then a segment called "What's making us happy" where the panelists recommend things in the pop culture universe that they are consuming and enjoying that week. The four panelists are funny and charming and lovely.

Slate's Political Gabfest was probably the first podcast that I listened to regularly. Its a smart and thoughtful discussion of politics. If you are a Republican, you probably won't like this show because while I think they try and present a pretty balanced view of events, their is a strong left lean to the show. Really, I could do a whole post on the family of Slate Podcasts. I think I listen to them all: Culture Gabfest (similar to NPR: PCHH,) Double X (Slate's show about women's issues,) Spoiler Special (about movies.) And they are all incredibly smart and very entertaining.

Writing Excuses Since this blog is ostensible about how we all want to writers, I thought I'd throw in my favorite writing podcast. It's 4 genre-fiction authors sharing tips about writing. It's 15 min long, which is great, and has some good info if you are a genre-fiction writer, which I ostensibly am! Maybe they can tell me if that last sentence was a run on with too many commas and if it is nerdy to use the word "ostensible" twice (three times!) in one paragraph. I think they would say yes, yes and yes.

America's Test Kitchen Radio Do you like America's Test Kitchen on PBS? Do you read Cook's Illustrated magazine? Did you make pork carnitas last night from the America's Test Kitchen Cookbook and plan an putting some on some nachos when you finish writing a blog post? You do? Then this is the show for you. All the cooking nerdery of the TV Show/ Magazine/ Cook Book empire, but in audio form.

The Satellite Sisters I'll admit it. It's a little weird that I listen to this podcast about 5 real sisters talking about their lives and the news. It started as a radio show that I listened too in the pre-podcast days on some AM station in Utah. I followed the sisters to podcast-land and have been listening ever sense. Lian Dolan, one of the sisters, also has her own podcast called The Chaos Chronicles which is about Modern Motherhood and being an author whilst raising kids. Both are fantastic. And I like to talk about the sisters like they are my friends in real life. Like I'll say "My friend recommended this TV show to me." And my wife will say, "Was it one of the Dolan sisters? Because they are people you listen to in a podcast and not actually your friends."

So this week, instead of texting while you drive or checking your twitter feed, download and listen to some great podcasts. It's much more entertaining than pictures of everyone's kids and lunch through awesome filters. And you just might learn a thing or two on that long commute.

But tell me, which podcasts did I miss? What do you listen to? And if the Part Time Authors were ever able to get it together enough to do a podcast, would you listen? And would you tell your friends? And would you find us sponsors? Please share in the comments.

A Thought of a Dream

2013-05-01T07:00:00.000-06:00

Just a quick thought. I don't want to take up too much of your time, but is there anything better than a good dreaming? I don't mean the Ms Pac Man needs your help kind of dreaming, but the kind where you and your spouse get to come together and plan and scheme and change minds and improve older dreams and really get to settle in deep to a good wondering. A good think.

A have a great wife for dreaming. She gives and takes and her ideas aren't stupid. It was one of my greatest fears to marry a woman with stupid ideas. Her's are good, even though they are different then mine?! But also she gets me, and she understands what I mean when I say, 'Those big ol' pink bushes all over Capri' or 'Yeah, I just don't want the whole thing to start looking all 'Cafeteria Chic''. She's good like that.

I have always been a dreamer, both a night one and a day one. School was just a place where I could go and relax and really let my mind wander. I have better memories of thoughts I thought in high school then lessons prepared and refined and taught to me. My Antonia...

Work is sometimes that way, though it's harder with customers constantly interrupting me with their own thoughts and dreams. But I make due. Today I repainted all the old wood furniture left in the back yard of some house I don't even own yet. But I dreamt I did. I went with robbins egg blue, to make the birds feel more comfortable.

My kids are where I dream the greatest. My three year old lives in a whole world all her own. Some times I join her there but I like to bring a small brown suitcase and pull dreams out that I have brought from my world and shake them out and see how they fit in hers. She loves them. Tonight we had to decide what each of the three fairies that live in our back yard did for a living and what color they were:

Twinkle: Blue. She's really responsible for the watering of the plants.

Dinkle: Orange. She brings sunlight to each flower in her bucket and spreds it like butter over their faces. Also, she has a tooth business on the side.

Dot: Pink. It's her job to wake up each flower in morning with a kiss and put each one to bed with a song. And there is a song.

My parents planted my dreaming seed. Well, if not, then they grew it. My parents were not professional artists or actors or comedians or writers but I thought they were...and so I wanted to be. They valued the parts of me that were different from my brothers and never put my dreams in drawers or jars. That way they stayed fresh. I suppose I owe my dreams to them, some of which have gotten bigger, some smaller, so small they might be mistaken for a wish, but they hold fast and are not fleeting. And sometimes, I dream for them. For those I reach deep into the back of my suitcase for my most precious spheres, dancing with my finest dreams. And float them their direction.

ttyl

2013-04-30T11:40:00.000-06:00

I remember when I was sixteen and I had to take my driver's ed classes. We watched these terrible films (they were films!) about car crashes and teens making bad choices. And then we got this huge lecture about wearing seatbelts. Seatbelts? We thought. Who wears seatbelts! Nerd alert.

No one in my time wore seatbelts. When I was a kid we would take giant vacations to California and all nine kids in my family would be splayed out all over the car. Someone on the floor, someone (usually me) laying on the luggage, someone strapped to the roof. It was de rigeur. We never heard about car accidents and we never really thought about what would happen if we had one. I remember once my mom slammed on the brakes in our 1974 Station Wagon, and my brother Andrew launched about four seats. But that was about it. Seatbelts were shoved haphazardly down into the seat cushions. You'd pull one out, occasionally, and it was crusty and covered with french fries and creased by the hot sun. What are these, we thought?

But by 1988 it was kinda sort of a law to wear your seatbelts. Not a full law, I don't think, but it was a semi-law. It was a strong suggestion. And so we started wearing them. I wore mine out on the driver's training course. It felt weird. I felt stuck to the car. Eventually I got used to it. Now I can't drive without it. If I do I feel naked. I feel like I'm going to get sucked out of the window. I feel like the slightest fender bender will send me through the windshield. And heaven forbid if I let one of my kids sit in the car without their seatbelts, even if we're going to their cousin's house two streets over. It's a little obsessive, I suppose, but it's also really super safe. I imagine most of us are like this now.

So now I'm trying to apply the same principle to texting. I am, admittedly, a driving texter. I have been for some time. I will send off five texts just between my house and my office, a ten minute drive. I will think back on my commute to work and not remember any of it, because I was looking at my phone the entire time. It's pathetic. To add insult to injury, I think my dad, as a state legislator, passed some kind of anti-texting bill a few years ago.

Well, Dad, the prodigal son has returned! I am no longer driving and texting. I've been text free for about a month. Granted, two weeks of that was in Italy where I neither drove nor texted, so it's really just been two weeks. But I'm proud of myself. If I have to text someone, I'll pull over. Oh, ok, maybe I'll shoot one off at a red light. But the days of tapping and swerving and sending and red-light running are over. And I'm hoping that in a few weeks I'll be completely cured. I'm hoping.

My good friends Aaron and Haley Warner lost a father to distracted driving last month. Their mother survived. You can see a video about it here:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=415719641858658&set=vb.176920360155&type=2&theater

Of course I feel terrible for the Warners, but I also feel bad for the girl who hit them - she was texting. I'm sure she feels horrible. I would. And maybe I feel pity because it could have been me instead. Or any of us. I know I don't have enough pull to get masses of people to stop texting and driving. Maybe when I'm famous (notice I said WHEN - Stalking Santa was just the beginning!) I can do it. But until then I can promise that my car will be one more safer car on the road.

Performing Stand Up, Sitting Down

2013-04-29T08:28:00.000-06:00

A couple of days ago, over on my personal blog, I announced that my wife, Katie, and I are expecting another baby! For those of you keeping score at home, that’s Babies: 8, Marbles Left Rolling in My Head: 1.

We are super excited! It’s kind of the only thing that’s been on our minds the last few days. But rather than repost the story on PTA (you can read it here, instead), I thought I would present for your viewing pleasure a video of Katie, 8 months pregnant, performing stand-up comedy about the joys of pregnancy.

This was two years ago, when she was very pregnant with our youngest, Lucy. It was my 40th Birthday Party. And after years making me laugh at her witty observations about pregnancy (I’m 72% sure her observations were supposed to make me laugh; she may have been expressing frustrations, in which case I owe her a huge apology), I asked if she would do stand-up at my birthday party. She had never done it. She didn't want to do it. But before an intimate group of friends, she did it. And I think she was fantastic. She is currently available for booking but you only have about 6 months to schedule her for your holiday parties before touring season is over and baby season arrives.

How to Lose a Woman Forever According to Travis McGee

2013-04-26T11:29:00.000-06:00

Recently, I read a post by Raymond Bechard on The Good Men Project that made me think.

The post mentions a series of books by John D. MacDonald that feature a “Salvage Consultant” named Travis McGee who finds important things for people. What's interesting about the books is that McGee often philosophizes about life, humanity, and what it takes to be a man. I haven't read these books so I'm taking Bechard's word for it but he writes that reading them helped him look at life and being a man differently.

The post focuses on McGee's observations about women, which men's magazines have ripped off for 50 years. I bet some of his stuff is funny to us now in the '10s but Bechard summarizes McGee's most valuable piece of advice:

"Treat a woman so that she knows you believe she is the most important and interesting person you have ever met and will ever meet."

Now, if I had to judge my relationships past and present on that one piece of advice, the truth is that I'd fail. That's why it hit me hard. That's why I'm trying to be better.

To help me (us) Bechard compiled McGee's philosophies into is a list of rules to break if you would like to lose a woman forever. Here are a few from the post. Read the full article here.

1. Don’t protect her. She’s a big girl. There’s no reason to help her feel safe in the way she needs to feel safe. There are no guarantees in life so it’s not rational to expect security in relationships. (And nothing is more rational than love.) Her emotional security is paramount to her. This means she wants to rely on you to always be there for her and can count on you to be her best friend. Allow her to feel alone and abandoned, and you will experience both.

2. Don’t respect her. Simple. Treat her like crap. If she doesn’t take it, she’ll leave and you’ll be miserable. If she does, she’ll stay and you’ll both be miserable. Treating her like the extraordinary woman she is will only increase her expectations, attitude, and hope, and courage, and affection, and love.

3. Don’t listen to her. Every time she talks either tune her out or try to solve her problems. Do not, under any circumstances come to the realization that her feelings are the problem she needs to communicate to you. She doesn’t want you to DO anything. (After all, if she wanted your help she would ask for it. Seriously, she will.) And if you wanted her to feel closer to you than anyone else in the world you would not listen to her problems, but to her feelings. That takes paying sharp attention to her and learning how to really listen beyond her words. You would have to look at her as a person of near limitless emotional capacity. And all of that would only show her how much you truly value her. Who has that kind of time?

5. Take her for granted. Let her know she’s nothing special. Devalue everything she does, especially the things she does for you. If you want to make her miserable, sad, hopeless, or just lose her self-esteem make sure she knows she really doesn’t mean that much to you. You can’t be bothered with the fact that she’ll be looking for some kind of positive affirmation from you every day. And giving it to her is not something you can do once a month or week, on holidays or special occasions. She knows you appreciate her when you work at it all the time, especially those times when you don’t have to.

7. Don’t let her know she is interesting. Don’t show any interest in her life, her passions, her story, her friends, work, hobbies, troubles, etc. Showing her she bores you is the best way to prove to her that she will never be her best with you.

10. Don’t kiss her. If you don’t want her, don’t touch her. And especially don’t kiss her. However, if you want to be a man, shut up and take five completely uninterrupted minutes every day to hold her and kiss her.

13. Don’t compliment her. If you want her to find proof that she is attractive from someone else, don’t show her how attracted you are to her. If you want her to know how much you adore her, tell her how your attraction to her makes you feel. “Seeing your eyes make me feel like I’m really home,” is better than, “You have nice eyes.” But don’t do that. You’d have to examine all the great feelings she gives you. And who needs that much self awareness?

16. Don’t romance her. Your first date was a long time ago. No need to act like that idiot anymore. It’s probably best to just settle into a routine and ignore her need for unique expressions of your love for her. On the other hand, if you bring her out on a “first date” once in a while, or go out of your way for her romantically, you will reset the emotional freshness of her heart and your relationship.

19. Don’t change your habits. Let pride be your guide. Never improve. You’ve gone far too long becoming just as perfect as you are. Why switch up your game now? Remember, compromise and consideration has no place in relationships … unless you want them to work. Anyway, who has strength enough to be flexible?

20. Hate apologizing. If you wanted to make this work, you would love apologizing. Point out your mistakes and apologize for them until she tells you to stop. But, that will only make her trust you and rely on your decency and trustworthiness as a man.

21. Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is. Forget that emotional intimacy is the utterly close connection that will exist only when you are truly committed to and trust one another. It means you are both devoted to the well being and individual growth of the other, that you fully trust her and her you. It means knowing with absolute certainty that you are perfectly safe with each other. So, you would have to take the time to find a woman with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting her for who she is, but celebrating who she is.

What do you think? I'd like to hear from both men and women on this one. What do you do that let's the person you love know that you really want to be with them?

Good Dad

2013-04-24T22:51:00.000-06:00

Images via Flickr.com

Sometimes people's lives on the internet drive me crazy. I see there instagrams of the Moustache Party they threw with their kids and I think "Who has the energy for a moustache party? On a weeknight?" Or they post pictures of the family vacation they took to Thailand and I wonder "I can barely survive a 45 min car ride to Provo with my kids, let alone a 15 hour flight to Thailand."

But I try and remind myself that it's not Truth. The life we project on social media, or blogs, or Facebook, or Instagram is simply that, a projection. We get to pick and choose what we talk about and what we present and how we curate our lives for the outside world. And I'm saying that sometime's people's carefully curated lives get annoying.

But sometimes you see something that is deligtful and makes you smile. David LaFerriere is a graphic designer who has been drawing pictures on his kid's sandwhich bags since 2008 and then photographing them. Click on over to his Flickr site and check them out. There are over 1000 and they are pretty amazing. How do you not run out of things to draw after about a week? I would imagine this makes his kids smile when they open their lunchbox every day.

I like this. It's small, simple and memorable. His kids get a kick out of it, but other than recent internet attention, this isn't something that he is parading out for the world to see. Just a Dad doing something nice for his kids, trying to make them smile. And that's something I can get behind.

italia!

2013-04-24T16:01:00.004-06:00

I am in Italy. Josh served a mission here, and I don't know why he ever came home. Its a beautiful place. I have eaten lots of pasta and pizza and gelato. People really do say "capisce." It's ok to joke about the mafia, and its also NOT ok. Everyone is just a little happier and a tad bit better looking than we are. Maybe its because they take three hour naps every afternoon? Or go to dinner at 9 pm? Or love life a little more than we do? I'm trying to figure out their secret.

Read Me.

2013-04-23T07:00:00.000-06:00

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen

So I think you should reread 'To Kill a Mockingbird'. I don't have anything clever to say about it. It was laying on the floor in our playroom and the kids were climbing on the ceiling so I thought I'd start at the beginning. It's just so very good. I'm 10 pages in and I can hear Scouts voice plainly explaining how it all went down.

Is there anything like a very good book?

Once when I was freshly married, I had friends come stay with us in our freshly painted one bedroom apartment in LA. It was real fun. But, at night, and we were all through with the day, I grabbed my book from my nightstand and dove in. One of my friends, who had known me all through high school and had never seen me with a book in my hand, asked me if I was just putting on a show for my new wife. I did like the idea, it would have been little 'Talented Mr Ripley' of me to present myself as a reader to my new wife and then three years in hold a book burning on our porch. But the fact is, I made it all the way through every grade of public school and never found my love of reading. It eluded me though, it seems like that's all I should have been looking for, but we never came together, Reading and I.

It was my friend Stacy, who offered to have a favorite book swap, when I was 22 years old. Luckily, I had stumbled on to 'The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe' a year earlier and loved it, or I literally would not have had a book to swap her.

She gave me, 'To Kill a Mockingbird'. She was right. I was shocked how this mandatory English 2 reading could also, inexplicably, be a good book. The thought had never crossed my mind. But as you know, a book requires you to be in the right place and mind to capture you.

My wife tried to read 'Cold Mountain' but never got into it, too cold and mountainous I suppose. Then, when she was recovering from surgery and had to be in bed for weeks, out of the blue the book reached out and pulled her in, deep into it's pages and held her there for hours. It's one of her favorites.

There is so much great entertainment out there. This is not one of those turn off your tv and read a book posts. But, if you are reading this and thinking that the last book you read was...'To Kill a Mockingbird' but in 8th grade, then at the very least, start there again. The world has changed since you were 15 and so have books.

The last book to really pull me all the way in was 'The Lonely Polygamist'. In the end I didn't really like it, but I loved the moment 15 minutes before my lunch break when I would remember that I had a good book in my bag and I was by myself for a whole hour and I got to read it. An exquisite feeling.

I am always ALWAYS looking for another good book... why, do you have one?

An Exclusive Engagement

2013-04-22T07:00:00.000-06:00

Eighteen years ago this week, in one of the most brilliant and intricate sting operations in modern history, I tricked Katie Fillmore into agreeing to marry me.

Since that day she has tricked me a number of times. Her favorite is this thing she does when she’s driving the van on a road trip, where she tilts her head so I can’t the left side of her face, and then makes it look like she’s totally and completely asleep at the wheel, because I can’t see her left eye, which is actually wide open, keeping our family safe from flying off the road into a tree, off a cliff, or into a stranded motorist. I can’t say I like this trick, but turnabout’s fair play, I suppose.

By complete serendipity, we happen to have an Engagement Video. Now, this was in 1995, long before everyone casually sported a camera-phone at all times, so it's really quite amazing that we have it. I mean, it’s not much; but technically, we were never even supposed to have one. And yes, I am going to tell the story before showing you the video.

It was April 1995. Provo, Utah. The days were a warmish spring, with the nights still quite cool. TLC was warning us not to chase waterfalls and Bryan Adams was demanding to know if we’d ever really – really, really ever loved a woman.

I had known for a couple of months already that I wanted to marry Katie. I also knew Katie wanted me to meet her family before we got any more serious. And finally, I knew her family was coming out to Utah for the graduation ceremonies of two of Katie’s older sisters. The graduation was Thursday, April 27th. Sadly, Katie had torn her ACL in her knee and would be heading back to Kentucky with her family on Saturday, the 29th, for surgery. This meant I had a window of Friday, the 28th, to ask Katie to marry me.

Katie’s cousin happened to be a jeweler, so I visited him the week prior to Katie’s family coming, and we selected The Engagement Ring. He had designed it and he was going to craft it and have it ready for me on Friday morning so I could propose Friday night.

Except that when I called on Thursday to make sure he was ready, he said, “Oh, I won’t have it ready until Monday.” I responded, "Well, I hope you're happy; because now I can't go to heaven, because I hate you and your face."

Oh, the humanity! My life was poop. Nothing left to do now but watch Katie leave for Kentucky, unengaged and ready to fall in love with some toothless, shoeless, slack-jawed yokel with a substantial crop of tobacco that I could never compete with.

Friday arrived. I was packing to move apartments and Katie was packing to go home for surgery. The only highlight of the day was that a big group of us friends decided to get together for dinner at The Underground that night. A kind of End of Semester send off before summer, when everyone would be going different directions for a while. A friend of ours, Mike, played guitar at The Underground, and we were all going to hang out, eat, and take a listen.

I called Katie to let her know I was going to come pick her up in a bit, then I sat on the couch to pack my last box of junk when the phone rang. It was Katie’s cousin/my jeweler. “Hey, your ring is ready. I canceled all my other appointments for the day and finished the ring." I shouted, "Huzzah! My chances of going to heaven have slightly improved since I don't hate you anymore!" He then responded, "I just left it with Katie’s mom, so you can pick it up from her.” "I'm sorry, you left the ring with WHO?"

With only a few minutes to throw everything together, I ran over to Katie’s grandpa’s house to find my future mother-in-law and, in exchange for a ring, I explained to her that I was going to ask her daughter to marry me that night. Fortunately for me, my mother-in-law was ecstatic and oohed and aahed at the ring with me, securing her place in the Best Mother In Law Hall of Fame.

The rest of this story is told in fast-framed, cartoonish fasion.

I ran back to my apartment and handed the ring to my good friend, Lincoln. In one long sentence I explained to him that I was going to propose to Katie at The Underground, that I needed him to go buy roses for Katie and hand them off to our good friend Lisa to bring out to Katie right after I propose, that I needed him to talk to Mike about playing U2’s All I Want Is You while I propose, and that at some point, after I arrived, I needed him to slip the ring back to me when Katie wasn’t looking.

Then, in maintaining cartoonish, frantic energy, we ran into each other three times and then ran to our different destinations. Me, to pick up Katie, and Lincoln, to The Underground to set everything up.

When I ran into Katie’s apartment to pick her up, I realized I needed to CALM DOWN. But it was too late. She came down the stairs, gave me a hug, then stepped back and said, “What’s going on? You’re shaking.” “Oh. Huh. Must be the heroin.” “Oh, YOU (small chuckle).” Yep, I covered that one pretty well.

Having stalled as long as I could, we finally made our way over to the restaurant. As soon as we walked through the doors I knew everything was in place. I knew this because two of our friends who were supposed to be there that night but who also worked there, Lisa and Rebecca, had just gotten off their shifts, and came running over to us. I mean, they hurdled tables and pushed paying customers out of the way to get to us, so excited were they.

They stopped right in front of us and then Lisa, with her eyes bulging, started talking like an auctioneer. “Yeah, we-just-got-off-our-shifts-but-we’re-going-to-stick-around, maybe-get-something-to-eat. Even-Chris-is-coming-over, you-know, just-to-casually-hang-out-and-stuff.”

There was this wall of energy coming from the two of them and the hairs on my neck were standing straight up. I was hoping this was all coming across to Katie as casual as Lisa and Rebecca were trying to sell it. Somehow, Katie didn’t pick up on it. Not even when Lisa squeezed my hand and looked at me out of the side of her eye. If I didn’t propose to Katie soon, it was clear Lisa was going to do it for me.

I couldn’t even order anything to eat. My stomach was in knots. We had talked about marriage before, but I still felt like I was taking an anxiety bath. I suppose it’s because that is the moment when you say, “Yes, I will spend the rest of eternity with you.” Plus we were doing this in front of our friends...and compete dining strangers.

We sat at the center table, right in front of where Mike was playing. Our good friends Chris and Lisa, who had gotten engaged less than two months before, sat right across from us, and so did our friend Rebecca. Many of our other dear friends were also there.

Lincoln pulled me aside, handed over the ring, and told me that as soon as I signaled him, he would signal Mike, and Mike would start playing U2’s All I Want Is You. He was going to stop in the middle of the song, Lisa would slip out to bring the roses, and I would drop to my knee and wet my pants.

I sat back down at the table and noticed the faces of several friends, some of whom seemed more nervous than me. After what felt like a week I signaled Linc, and he signaled Mike. Mike started playing. Then, in the middle of the song, he stopped. I stood up and announced to the restaurant that I needed everyone’s attention. I knelt down and helped Katie stand up (she was still on crutches from tearing the ligament in her knee), and I actually said the words, “Katie, will you marry me?” She threw her head back and screamed “Yes!” and then started crying. And it was really a very incredible, surreal moment….

And here it is on video. Mike, the guitar player, actually had his mom visiting, and she actually brought a video camera to record his performance. And during his performance, for just a small moment, she swung the camera around just enough to record Katie and I. And now that moment is immortalized.

It wasn't until the next day, when Katie had left with her family and I was at dinner with Lincoln and Mike that Mike said, "If you want a copy of that video, just let me know." "What video?" "My mom recorded you guys getting engaged last night." Completely surprised, and quite grateful, I said, "Well frankly, it wasn't any of her business, but if you've got the video..."

If you watch closely, you’ll notice the following:

Lisa, in the lobby, holding the roses that Lincoln had just brought for Katie.
Lincoln conspiring with Mike on how to set up the moment for me to propose.
My friend, and fellow Part Time Author, Chris, so nervous for me that he actually covers his face in case Katie says, "No."
Katie saying, "Yes."
Some horrible 1995 wardrobe choices. (Yep, I'm wearing flannel.)

Vocal Point WINNER!

2013-04-19T10:56:00.003-06:00

Thank you to all who participated in our giveaway this week and helped spread the word about this fantastic event coming up next week!

Our winner is.... EMY! Emy, please send your phone number and address to authors@parttimeauthors.com. We will get you your 4-pack of tickets immediately!

Friday, April 26, 2013

7:30 p.m.

Cottonwood High School

For everybody else, you can still get tickets for the April 26th show by purchasing them online at www.byuvocalpoint.edu/events or at the door. Tickets start at just $6 and group rates are available. A portion of every ticket sold will be donated to the BYU Vocal Point Scholarship Fund.

Esquire Quiz Can Tell You How Attractive You Are to the Opposite Sex

2013-04-19T08:00:00.000-06:00

I love these. I don't know why. Here, from Esquire’s 1949 publication "Handbook for Hosts: A Time-Honored Guide to the Perfect Party," is a set of questions for both men and women designed to help us make ourselves more wowee-wow-wow to each other. I read the original post on BrainPickings.org here.

Now, for your enjoyment, are some of the highlights filled with liquor, spankings, flattery, and ugly Cousin Belle:

For Women
Do you bring the names of other men into the conversation to give yourself a sought-after appearance?Don’t. This may give a man a sense of inferiority — he is uncomfortable with you, and soon drifts away to someone else. It may make him wonder how much talking you do about him.

Do you wear clothes that make you a little more up-to-the-minute than the other women in your set? Good — provided your taste is reliable and that the clothes suit you. Men may rant about the “crazy hat” but they swell with pride when their lady companions arouse admiring stares.

Do men marvel at your capacity for holding liquor? A great mistake: it gives you a fast reputation and runs into money — the man’s money — besides.

Do you keep men interested by hinting that later — not tonight — you’ll be really demonstrative? This is a low trick and one that a surprising number of men see through at once. If you kiss a man, it should be for your own pleasure and not to reward him.

Do you ever embarrass a man by telling him he’s good-looking or has big muscles or is too, too intelligent? Try it! Almost any man can stand almost any amount of flattery, however obvious, without embarrassment or surprise.

Do you knit when you are having a cozy, fireside evening with a man? For some reason, men hate to see a woman doing anything with her hands when talking to her. Undivided attention is best.

Do you keep your friendships warm by chatty calls to your men friends at their offices? This is fatal.

Do you save yourself wear and tear by not troubling to entertain men bores? A grave mistake. Bores have their uses since a clever girl can practice her conversation on them, with nothing much to lose. Besides, they often have attractive friends.

For Men
Do you show your real fondness for a girl by telling her about her bad points and advising her how to improve them? This is an error. If you must tell her you hate her perfume or how she does her hair, wrap it up in heavy sugar coating.

Do you show your devotion to a woman by holding her hand or putting your arm around her when her friends are present? Please don’t. Even a girl who is affectionate in private dislikes public mauling.

Do you make distinctions between the jokes you’d tell a man in the club and those you’d tell a girl in a park automobile? Almost no women like bathroom jokes or jokes with dirty words.

Do you tell a woman she’s beautiful, even if she isn’t? This habit hurts nobody and makes a lot of girls happier.

Do you believe it necessary in the modern age to push in a girl’s chair for her and to light her cigarettes? These small courtesies mean a lot to a girl.

Do you try to arouse a girl’s interest by boasting of your success with other women? Don’t ever do this!

Do you consider it a young girl’s own business whether she gets tight and is indiscreet when she’s out with you? Keep an inexperienced girl from getting tight, if you have to spank her, and don’t let any woman become indiscreet through liquor. Triumphs over drunken women don’t help any man.

If a girl you’re fond of asks you to be nice to her cousin with adenoids and buck teeth do you cut her off your list? Not pleasant, but if you rally around and give Cousin Belle a whirl, you’ll soon be known as the nicest man in town.

I think we all learned something today. So, how do you make yourself attractive? Let us know your tips in the comments!

This Would Cause My Divorce

2013-04-18T10:52:00.000-06:00

Image via wrigley.com

One thing that I love about my amazing wife is that she is pretty even-keeled. I'm the much more dramatic one who LOVES and HATES things and gets worked up about politics and has a temper. But my wife isn't that way. She's passionate, of course, but she doesn't let things bother her or get under her skin.

But there are two things that make her insanely, irrationally crazy. The first is the smell of spearmint. The second is gum. So as you can imagine, spearmint gum is pretty much her kryptonite. She hates its minty smell, the look of people chomping on it, the sound of it snapping in some one's jaw. When we were first married, she told me that if I was a gum chewer she would divorce me. I laughed -- but she wasn't kidding. It's like in her mind she can't comprehend how or why people would like chewing gum, or like the taste of spearmint. She thinks it's a conspiracy.

This week our oldest son got some sort of award at school where he got to pick a prize. And he picked -- wait for it -- a pack of Orbit Spearmint Gum. When he brought it home, I honestly acted like he had brought home plutonium. We immediately set ground rules - mom can never see you chewing this. The gum itself can never be left anywhere visible. You can only chew it outside and when you are done chewing it it has to immediately go in the trash. I think if my wife came across gum stuck to the floor of the kitchen, she would burn the house down and just start over. We keep the pack sealed in a Ziploc bag on the top shelf of the pantry. When my boy wants a piece he comes and whispers it to me so my wife doesn't hear. She knows he has the gum and knows where it is, but she doesn't want to be reminded of its existence.

So we live in a gum free household. And that's fine. I'm no particular fan of gum, either. This is sort of how I feel about dogs. I would never have one. I would never let my kids get one. And I know this is how Topher feels about bananas. (Spoiler: they make him vomit.) Do you have a kryptonite like this? Maybe you are staunchly pro-mayo vs. miracle whip? Perhaps you don't like Jordan Catalano and prefer Brian Krakow? Maybe you have a phobic fear of garlic. Or horror movies. Or house music. Or house dressing. Or the TV show House. Is there a deal breaker that could possibly end your marriage? Or are you content to just go on in your gum chewing, banana eating, dog petting, Miracle Whip spreading, Krakow loving, House listening, House watching life? Please share in the comments.

jurassic in georgetown

2013-04-17T06:56:00.000-06:00

For years, whenever someone has asked me what things I have never done, I've had two strongholds: I have never seen Jurassic Park, and I have never been to Washington DC. In a strange twist of events, I've knocked both of those items off of my bucket list in just two weeks. Does that mean I'm ready to die? Possibly.

Here are some of my thoughts on both:

Jurassic Park: There's sure a lot of short shorts in this movie! A lot of pleated, tan shorts. People hike them way, way up. Laura Dern festoons hers with a knotted blouse, while Robert Muldoon wears his tight and proud and unabashedly climbs over things.

Washington DC: I actually thought Provo was the whitest city on earth, and then I visited Georgetown! Everyone at my hotel here is named Trevor or Judith. Like ancient Greek Gods, these people sprang fully formed from the loins of LL Bean.

Jurassic Park: I was amazed at the quality of the CGI. For reals! Those dinosaurs look real! And that movie was made in 1964. Impressive. Except when the brontosauruses poke their heads around in the treetops. That part was pretty phony and we all know it. But the rest of it was seamless! Way to go, Steven Spielberg and Jim Henson!

Washington DC: I thought it was neat that I could get so close to the White House. Whenever people take pictures of the White House it looks like it's a mile away. I took a picture myself just to prove how close you can get! Sure enough, it looks like it's a mile away.

Jurassic Park: They don't make film scores like that anymore. It's a shame. John Williams wrote this music and it plays THE ENTIRE MOVIE. There is no single frame of that movie without underscoring. It's great, because the music tells you if the dinosaurs are nice or not. If they are nice, the score is really cute and bouncy. If they are not nice, LOOK OUT! Trumpets!

Washington DC: The cherry trees are in bloom. It's really amazing. Here is a picture:

Jurassic Park: Here is a picture of Lisa and me in our 3D glasses. Did I mention we saw it in 3D? It really is the future, you guys!!!!

Alright, what?! Mind your own business!!

2013-04-16T07:00:00.000-06:00

If you are an avid reader of PTA (and if you're reading today, who's to say you don't read everyday...which is avid) you will recall that two weeks ago I pledged a pledge to run every day for a month starting April 1st.

Well, the following is my list of excuses:

1- I hate to run. I know that this was the point of my pledge, that I hate to run and all my runner friends say it's super easy you just have to keep with it and then someday you'll love it, but it turns out my hate of the thing is the reason I can't do it...I should have seen that coming but didn't.

2- Running hurts. One of Lindsay's students described it as Cayenne Pepper in your lungs. Apt. And remember when Josh told me that April would be a great month to run cause it's just so damn nice?! Well, I was literally sloshing threw rain at 5:15 in the morning and I wanted to run to his house and kill him...though, I'm sure he wouldn't have been there cause he was off doing cartwheels because after you're a runner you move on to the next step, cartwheels...up hill.

3- When?! The hardest thing besides running was to find the time. I tried to get up before the sun and run and it was actually just fine in the morning, but then around 6:00 in the evening I would lay down where ever I was and go to sleep, as I had been up for 13 hours and spent the first one running for my life in pouring rain....cause it's April.

4- I now can't breath doing things that were once easy. So since I became a Runner (capital R) I have developed this deep wheeze that shows up whenever I go up stairs or run to catch an elevator or flee from predators. I didn't have this before and it's the running's fault. or the rain. or the cold. or the cold I got from running in the rain.

5-Screw it! There is a moment in every runners life where you make the choice, 'You can either push on and run it out, or be fat.' I have seriously decided on the latter. I am sorry for my wife, she would have enjoyed my runners body, but instead she'll have to accept the fact she legally bound herself to a kind and gentle flesh-bean-bag man. Could be worse, I could be a pro bowler...no offense.

Here's what I learned:

I did get sore. My legs felt like jell-o when I was done and the next day they felt like Ken Doll legs, but I did push through it and the soreness gave way and I was able to run every day...for four days, then the rain, then Sunday, then Monday, then just never wanting to run again.

All in all I ran 6 out of the 10 days. I have a good play list out of it...except now I hate every song on it...what am I saying, I hate the first 4 songs, I don't even know what comes after Eminem's 'Love the Way You Lie' remix. Nor do I know what the orignal song sounds like...is it a waltz?

And so I'm sorry. I failed. And who cares. I am just one of gazillions who tried to run and abhorred it with the white hot intensity of ten thousand suns. However, I still want that runners body...join in next week when I dive in head first to the newest and most controversial fad weight loss gimmick, even writing it feels better then that time I wrote, 'I'm gonna run.'