PASG Works!

ARPSUPPORT.ORG

2013-05-12T15:54:00.003-07:00

www.arpsupport.org

A grassroots effort to bring sponsorship to the ARP program has produced a website where individuals who seek a support person can get help in their search.

In their own words:

"ARPSUPPORT is a group of Latter-day Saints who have overcome addiction and are reaching out to individuals, offering guidance and help in applying the 12 steps of the Addiction Recovery Program in their own lives, to enable them to break the bands of addiction through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."

Please visit arpsupport.org if you are searching for a support person in the ARP program. This is a website that you can trust because it is made by people just like you and me who have found sobriety through the ARP program because of sponsorship. They want to share the gift of sponsorship with you.

www.arpsupport.org

A Way to Escape the Pornography Plague.

2013-05-08T09:48:00.001-07:00

A plague is covering the land and affecting families, relationships and church membership. Similar to leprosy, there is an associated "shame" that goes along with it. Those who have been stricken with the "new plague" feel forced to withdraw from society and rot in self imposed isolation. Nobody wants to talk about this plague, nobody wants to acknowledge that it is spreading and threatening the foundation of our way of life. But, just as lepers were healed by the powerful hand of Jesus Christ, He still provides the only way to escape.

In the last days "men's hearts will fail them". A "failing heart" is only one aspect of this malady, but in its acknowledgement lies the cure. There is hope! Before continuing this discussion, it is important to emphatically state that THERE IS HOPE!

We have all heard about the dangers of pornography and its addictive nature. Many of us have worn tired of hearing about pornography from the pulpit, this is because it pricks the hearts of those who take the truth to be hard, and it pierces the hearts of the women and children with deep wounds to lose the confidence in their fathers. If it were not a rampant problem, it would not be discussed as often. The discussion usually is based on the importance of avoiding this pitfall, but what do we do about those who have already been affected, and are already in the clutches of addictive cycles and isolation. How are they to find the way back to spiritual wellness, how are they able to find their way back to a useful place in their families? Can they make it back on their own? no. Should we leave them as casualties along the pathway? no! How can we identify addiction and where can we turn for help to this very specific problem?

Addiction is a condition in which a person compulsively participates in destructive behavior in a selfish attempt to escape reality and control emotions. Addiction has two necessary elements: isolation and secrecy. To those who have never experienced addiction, this may seem very strange. Why would someone participate in destructive behavior? Why do they feel isolated?

There are certain substances that can completely distract an individual from the present. All of these addictive behaviors and substances cause chemicals to be introduced into the brain that have a powerful, entrained effect on the participant. Some chemicals are introduced externally from drugs and alcohol, but the most powerful stimulant chemicals of all are kept within our bodies. When a person uses pornography, they take control over the system that releases these chemicals into the brain. Abuse of this function leads to the condition of "heart failure" that was discussed previously. After time and purposeful abuse, the stimuli must be greater and greater in order for the individual to experience the rush of chemicals that they experienced at the beginning. The effect of these feelings is so strong in some people, that regular daily activities no longer hold any life or meaning when compared to the memory that they are now compulsively chasing in order to feel that way again. The obsession sets in, and the hook is set. The person soon feels that they are lost and hopeless. Even if they want to quit, they find they cannot.

From A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing: "Some people consider addictions to be simply bad habits that can be conquered by willpower alone, but many people become so dependent on a behavior or a substance that they no longer see how to abstain from it. They lose perspective and a sense of other priorities in their lives. Nothing matters more than satisfying their desperate need. When they try to abstain, they experience powerful physical, psychological, and emotional cravings. As they habitually make wrong choices, they find their ability to choose the right diminished or restricted. As President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “Addiction has the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency. It can rob one of the power to decide.” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1989, 16; or Ensign, Nov. 1989, 14)."

There is a way to find freedom from addiction and peace once again. God knows of the plague that is sweeping the land. He has an army of help and support waiting for the struggling individual. If the self imposed isolation can be overcome, then help is very close. In fact, The LDS Family Services currently holds addiction recovery group meetings all over the place. These are meetings specifically designed for the alleviation of secrecy and isolation. In these meetings, the real problem can be addressed without the fear and the stereotypes that exist in our culture. A feeling of hope and mutual camaraderie exists, and healing can finally begin. Still, many church members don't know about the help that exists for struggling individuals and their families. Recovery meetings are not the only answer to the addiction problem, but they are often the first place where real hope is finally felt. Together with the support of bishops and family members, struggling individuals can find the miraculous courage to seek for help. We are encouraged to "admit the problem; seek help; [and] attend meetings". Family members can also find the support that they need. There are recovery meetings specifically for spouses and family members who need support and healing. It is foolishness to think that we can continue to try and fix the problem all by ourselves, in the confines of secrecy. If we take the ingredients of secrecy and isolation out of the mix, then addiction can finally be addressed for what it is... a condition that can be relieved through the specific direction of God.

Our heavenly father is the "master heart surgeon". He made each of us, and he can heal each of us. Going back to the analogy of heart failure, a patient must admit the problem, seek help, and place himself in the hospital where he can be operated on and receive a new heart. When a person is diagnosed with heart failure, the family is quick to rally around their loved one and do everything they can to help him find the specific, guided treatment that he needs to recover. They realize that if he is left alone, he will die. People with significant health problems are never criticized or blamed for their condition.

"Once a heart transplant patient, always a heart transplant patient." If the ailing patient is lucky enough to receive a transplant, then their life will be forever changed. While he has been given the opportunity for a new chance at life, he must never forget about his new heart. Transplant patients regularly get check ups from the doctor, and they must never forget to take their anti-rejection medication. Usually there is a daily regimen prescribed to the patient in order for the heart to stay healthy and avoid rejection.

By the same token, a person who was once caught in the soul destroying cycle of compulsive destructive behavior can be saved and healed. If he admits the problem, seeks help, and places himself in the care of the Master Surgeon and the prescribed program, he will receive a new heart and find a second chance at life. However, there are certain conditions that make it impossible for the person to continue living in the same way that he did before the problem was removed. There is a daily regimen of treatment and a new way of living that must ensue in order for the "new heart" to stay healthy and not be rejected.

Do not try to reinvent the wheel! The Lord has authorized a specific program for treatment of addiction, and families and individuals should not try to make up their own recovery program. Don't forego the available authorized tools for recovery, thinking that you know of an easier shortcut. The Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing states: "Rarely do people caught in addictive behaviors admit to being addicted. To deny the seriousness of our condition and to avoid detection and the consequences of our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors. We did not realize that by deceiving others and ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions. As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family, friends, Church leaders, and even God. We plunged into greater and greater isolation, separating ourselves from others, especially from God."

Many participants in the Addiction Recovery Program choose to call themselves "Addicts". The title of Addict must never be forced upon someone. Many participants in the ARP program find long term sobriety from addiction, yet they still refer to themselves as an Addict. A participant in the program said, "while I still consider myself to be an addict, I am happy to say that I am no longer addicted." He understands that he must still attend meetings and live the 12 Step program as a way of life, or he will fall back into relapse and his new heart would be rejected. The wounds of addiction can be healed, but the scars still remain to remind us that we can no longer live like everyone else. An addict knows his boundaries and chooses to remain safely within the healing reach of the Savior. He knows that he is quick to forget the pain of the past. The continued attendance at recovery meetings and the daily regimen of spiritual upkeep will continue to remind the healed Addict of his constant reliance on the Savior. In order for the daily miracle of recovery to continue, it is necessary to live differently than before. The title of Addict becomes a shield for the individual, and will not be used as a justification for bad behavior. We are all children of God first and foremost, and He will provide the specific direction that we need to return to his presence.

If you suspect that you may be addicted, then seek for the help that is available through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Recognize your inability to heal yourself, and come forth out of isolation! If you know someone who may be affected by addiction, do not give up on them. Do your best to love and support them. The 12 Steps provide a specific method to apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ, this program is the authorized addiction recovery program available through LDS Family Services. It works! People are finding hope and healing every day by admitting the problem, seeking for help, and attending recovery meetings. We can no longer go on pretending that this problem does not exist among us. Wounds can heal when they are taken care of properly. There is hope! There is healing! May we find it now.

Worthiness and Recovery

2013-05-05T16:11:00.000-07:00

How does worthiness fit into recovery? What is worthiness? Is there a difference between being worthy to take the sacrament and worthy to go to heaven if I died today?

I have talked with men that are going to the PASG program and are finding abstinence and sobriety from their addiction, but they are still not authorized to go to the temple, or perhaps to take the sacrament. There are others who have been excommunicated from the church, but are now striving as hard as they can to become re-baptized. I'm sure they have asked themselves: "if I'm not currently authorized to go to the temple, am I still worthy to go to heaven if I died today?"

I suppose the answer to the question comes down to the heart of the individual. Could I go to heaven if I were called to die today? Can we accurately judge peoples hearts? To attempt to make a final judgement about a persons heart is a privilege set aside only for God. Can I judge the current condition of my own heart? Perhaps, but, I am often far too critical of myself, and I'm not always in a position to determine my desires. I am certainly not in a position to determine if I am worthy all by myself. If I am fresh in recovery, then I am really not able to clearly see anything.

Marvin J Ashton said on this topic:

"We do not have to be hindered by self-judgment. All of us have the benefit and added wisdom of a bishop and a stake president to help us determine our worthiness and, if necessary, to assist us to begin the process of becoming worthy to accomplish whatever goal we wish to achieve. When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, “I am not worthy,” we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward. We are not being fair when we judge ourselves. A second and third opinion will always be helpful and proper.

It occurs to me that there are probably hundreds or even thousands who do not understand what worthiness is. Worthiness is a process, and perfection is an eternal trek. We can be worthy to enjoy certain privileges without being perfect."

Dallin H Oaks said:

"From all of this we see that the final judgment is the Lord’s and that mortals must refrain from judging any human being in the final sense of concluding or proclaiming that he or she is irretrievably bound for hell or has lost all hope of exaltation."

It appears that there is a difference between intermediate judgement and final judgement. When a bishop tells you that you are not worthy to take the sacrament, it is because he is making an authorized intermediate judgement that is intended to help you return to the path of complete fellowship. The same goes for excommunication. These are all intermediate judgements that are made by authorized priesthood leaders. They are not final judgements and we should never take them as such. Nothing is final in this life, and we cannot make final judgements about our own personal worthiness to enter the celestial kingdom.

I don't think that I should be quick to make final judgements in any sense, of myself or of others.

Brad Wilcox shared the following in a talk at BYU:

"In the past I had a picture in my mind of what the final judgment would be like, and it went something like this: Jesus standing there with a clipboard and Brad standing on the other side of the room nervously looking at Jesus.

Jesus checks His clipboard and says, “Oh, shoot, Brad. You missed it by two points.”

Brad begs Jesus, “Please, check the essay question one more time! There have to be two points you can squeeze out of that essay.” That’s how I always saw it.

But the older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay.” No, he will probably be saying, “Get me out of here!” Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.”

The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can go home but that—miraculously—we can feel at home there. "

Marvin J Ashton also said:

"When we dwell on our own weaknesses, it is easy to dwell on the feelings that we are unworthy. Somehow we need to bridge the gap between continually striving to improve and yet not feeling defeated when our actions aren’t perfect all the time. We need to remove unworthy from our vocabulary and replace it with hope and work. This we can do if we turn to quieter, deeper, surer guidelines—the words of our prophets and leaders, past and present.

As we measure our worthiness, let us no longer put limitations upon ourselves. Rather, let us use those strengths and powers that are available to make us worthy to gain great heights in personal development. Thus we will reap the joy that comes to those who desire to improve and move forward with determination and effectiveness as they practice self-discipline and refuse to judge themselves as unworthy."

Worthiness is something that I should work towards, but it is not something that I can judge in myself. God is the only one who can allow me to enter heaven. He makes final judgements. Humans (including priesthood leaders) are only authorized to make intermediate judgements. It is how I react to the intermediate judgements that will ultimately demonstrate my willingness. If my heart is humble and accepting of the Lords will and the counsel of his authorized servants, then I will be back on the pathway that will lead to God's Kingdom. As I become more comfortable with God and less comfortable with sin, I will be able to have the confidence and assurance that I will be saved by his matchless mercy and love.

The way for me to assess my current spiritual situation is to ask myself the soul searching questions. Depending on the answer, I should reaffirm my dedication to the Lord. The answers to these questions are simply for spot checking my spiritual condition. Much the same as when someone checks their heart rate during a workout. Their heart rate cannot indicate their overall health condition. Judgement about physical health conditions are made by a doctor. In the same way, I should allow God (the ultimate doctor) to make the prognosis about my spiritual health. He will make a fair and final judgement in his own time and in his own way. Until then, I should continue to check my simple vital signs by asking myself the questions in Alma 5. Meantime, I just need to keep doing the best that I can and not worry too much about questions that I cannot fully answer at this time.

I believe that it is very possible to not have a temple recommend and/or not be taking the sacrament, but still be in a position to be saved in the kingdom of God if you were to die during the "process" of repentance. If you are trying your very best to return to full spiritual health, and you desire recovery more than anything else, then you can have trust in the Lord that he will make a perfect judgement that you will both agree on at the day. Recovery is simple if you will keep it that way. I hope that this study about worthiness can help other addicts as it has helped me.

Sources:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/on-being-worthy?lang=eng

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1999/08/judge-not-and-judging?lang=eng

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1966

https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/5?lang=eng

Addict or Not?

2013-04-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

Am I an addict or do I just have a problem? The church has come out with a new site that can help you either way. It is packed full of wonderful materials designed for both the casual reader as well as the earnest studier. It is designed for the addict and non-addict, the priesthood leader and the struggling spouse.

I hope that this new resource will be a source of strength no matter who you are.

combatingpornography.org

He Does Deliver Me From Bondage

2013-04-26T17:08:00.006-07:00

I think of how this problem was so complex, difficult, and most seemingly impossible to overcome. Doesn’t matter how many times I committed to quitting the behavior I always found myself back where I started.

So what finally changed for me that I am now capable of being clean today? I feel I could write volumes on this subject regarding my long struggle to get to where I am now. I have plenty of story and experience to tell. To sum up all my experience let me tell you this, don’t give up. God our eternal Father loves you. This was a concept I had great difficulty grasping but it’s true. God loves us all and is deeply interested in our recovery. It’s not only the rotten addictive behaviors but also everything that lies underneath, the things we don’t tend to notice quite so much because we are not very honest with ourselves.

For me, I had to come to realize how much I really needed God’s help to overcome the behavior, and all my character weaknesses. To put it plainly, I came to realize I needed God’s help every single day to overcome pride. Hard to believe it at first, but pride is and continues to be the underlying issue for all my problems to this day, and will be the number one thing for me to overcome. Just read the talk by President Ezra Taft Benson on Pride. Google it, you will find it. I think he describes it quite perfectly.

So what do I do to overcome pride and find sobriety. Well at first it was very difficult, because I had the answers but found it difficult to implement the principles. The scriptures speak of receiving a change of heart through the merits and grace of Christ. I realized I didn’t quite have the desire to give up pornography. So I prayed and asked the Father to help me change my heart so that I had an unconquering desire to overcome the addiction. I never really found that to work as I had hoped, but I did find my perspective change where I came to realize I had a lack of desire to serve God, and even an unbelief that he could actually cure me. Though I had been through Step 3 ‘Trust in God’ several times, I found I was really quite weak in this area. So I had to pray for help to become willing to trust in God.

Well, if I went through this step by step I could end up writing a novel. Simply to say, my experience was a line upon line, precept upon precept experience. I didn’t find sobriety all at once and I believe a great deal of people don’t either. You see those guys who seem to have the light bulb experience, where the light just flips on and all of a sudden they go from days to months and months to years without a single relapse. I understand some people are at a level where they can do that.

It’s easier to think of it this way, we are all at our own level. It doesn’t matter what level we are on. If we don’t give up and keep pressing forward we continue to rise in our understanding and we will become better and better even if we don’t see days, weeks, or months of sobriety in the way we would like to. This process, as far as I can tell is the same for everyone. Here a little, there a little.

Some are farther up the road than others. For instance, I had a friend who was one of those light bulb people. It was like from the moment he came to his first meeting he reported every week he was clean. I could only marvel with amazement at how he was able to do it. The thing he would say every time was “one day at a time.” That phrase never really clicked for me. I tried to follow this method of one day at a time, focusing on getting through one day at a time. It just never worked for me the way it seemed to work for him. Roughly three years later, when I was reading a book called ‘Clean Hands, Pure Heart’ written by Phil A. Harrison I read of a principle called surrendering all things to Christ. I felt something inside of me awaken, a revelation, understanding of what sobriety was all about. I realized very quickly from that moment that I will face pride and temptation for the rest of my life, and the only way I would overcome was to do it one day at a time by relying on the merit and grace of Jesus Christ my Savior. After that, it became very clear to me that there was not one weakness, not one temptation I could not surrender to Christ. By asking him to strip the pride from my heart and the temptations which so easily beset me, I have found myself time and time again delivered.

Enough of that said. I wish, whoever reads this, to know the true meaning of friend. Because that is what Christ is. He’s our brother who will save us. We just have to let Him.

The Liberating Awareness of Choice

2013-04-26T17:08:00.003-07:00

Choice is a gift that is available to us always. Between the idea or temptation of doing something and the action is a small moment in time granted unto us by God. This moment is the universe in which choice exists and it is always there. Often we develop habits.... good or bad but both "rob" us of choice. If my wife tells me she loves me and respond back in kind, then I told her I loved her out of reflex NOT choice. Therefore I did not Chose to love her.

I reacted and that is not love. To become aware of these moments of time that have been granted unto us and then become aware of our choice is a powerful source of healing and recovery from Heavenly Father.

Now there are choices we have made that become “automatic”.

i.e. – Would you like a beer. No thank you – would be my automatic thing to say – I made that choice long ago – but if I do not take a short moment to reflect on why I made that choice and “reacted” the way I did, I will never grow beyond that 12 year old young man that decided to never drink. That choice must be mine to continue to make as an adult.

This same mind set is one aspect of what traps us in addiction. Hey, do you want to act out – SURE DO! Well now wait a minute…. Why do I want to? Right there is the moment that we can turn over to the Lord and walk away from that decision and chose to do anything else that is of worth and praise worthy.

The Porn Drug

2013-04-26T17:07:00.003-07:00

I am a lust addict. Which is more broad than a porn addict and more prevalent. Even before viewing pornography the first time I sought female attention to an extreme because it was extremely lacking. Everytime a girl would smile at me or talk to me I would get a lust hit. I loved getting hugs in high school. I used to count the amount I would get each day. It was like a personal goal to get a higher number. Those were my lust hits. They were like my drug that would help ease the pain of life. I can now relate to alcoholics and drug addicts. They are just using their drug as self-medication and a coping mechanism. I too have turned to pornography as my drug. I am no different than them. Which is why I think that porn addiction is so prevalent in LDS culture. We cannot self-medicate through drugs and alcohol. They are just too open and we do not want to be judged. However, pornography is secret. Where only the person knows. Thus allowing for secrecy from peers. In addition, the amount is so much greater. If I wanted to self-medicate with beer or drugs I would have to go to the store or some illegal place to get them. However the porn drug is accessible everywhere and anywhere in the world. Beer or drugs are expensive. Porn is free. Anywhere in the entire world you can find almost unlimited porn in increasing amounts. There is never an end. That is why we must overcome the problem at the root. Why do we self-medicate using pornography? And what else can I do to replace my coping mechanism of pornography with something healthy and less harmful spiritually and physically?

Emotionally Prompted God Connections

2013-02-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

I am continually surprised how many different emotions I can feel now that I’m not numbing out in my addiction. Who knew there were hundreds of different shades of happiness, and hundreds of shades of sadness; a whole galaxy of feelings! In my old life I was familiar with maybe a dozen or so, always cutting feelings off before they grew into something unexpected. Not reaching out to God, I was on my own and terrified of the unknown. I had to control my mood, even if that meant self-sabotage. I didn’t like the feeling of returning to the gutter, but at least I knew what to expect.

I don’t have to live like that anymore. Today I am blessed to witness a river of emotion flowing through me. Sometimes the river is gentle, sometimes rapid. I don’t choose what comes, but I choose what I do with it. If I don’t constantly surrender my inner experience to God (which often requires talking to others), this river gets dammed up. I know from experience the dangers of letting too much water build up.

At the risk of mixing metaphors, here’s a poem by the Islamic poet Rumi which I find useful:

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”

Each new feeling, comfortable or uncomfortable, can bring me to God in a different way. When I am happy, instead of choosing to be self-satisfied, I can choose to be grateful. When I am anxious, instead of going into despair, I can choose to have faith. And a thousand subtle variations on these reactions corresponding to each unique emotion. Each emotion-prompted God-connection becomes a new wrinkle in my ever-deepening relationship with Him.

I still get scared sometimes, but my mind belongs to God now, and He always seems to steer me safely through the rough.

Phone Calls Help.

2012-10-28T21:52:00.001-07:00

I would like to put in a word for using one of the most powerful (yet under-utilized) tools available in the 12 Step Program... Phone Calls!

If you have been in the twelve step program but haven't found much success, then please consider calling friends that you have met at group meeting. I know this sounds like such a simple suggestion, but it really works! The next time you feel like you are having a hard time, or that you feel you are tempted above that which you can bear, then simply make that phone call.
Friends in the PASG program will always be willing to lend an ear. We all need each other. I am always so happy to get a phone call from guys that I have met at group meetings. Sometimes our phone calls last for a looong time, but it never seems to bother me. I make phone calls to guys also, quite often. I am so thankful that they take the time to listen and give suggestions.

Getting a sponsor is always a good way to start. Calling your sponsor in times of need is a must, but you should also have a few guys that are on your speed dial for times when he might not be available. When I call a few people and nobody answers, I find it very useful to leave a voice message telling whoever I called that I am having a hard time. Just saying out loud what I'm struggling with can dispel that darkness. Satan knows that addiction thrives in isolation and he will try to disway you from taking even the most simple action of making a phone call. You can use your agency to make that call, he hasn't taken that from you! If you don't feel like you are ready to ask for a sponsor yet, then making phone calls for support can help you find that willingness to eventually step up your program to the next level.

Make the choice to network with your fellow addicts today!... you won't regret it.

My Story of Addiction Recovery So Far.

2012-10-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

My story began similar to many of us in addiction. It started at an early age for me. That regrettable day I was riding my bike through a field with a friend and off to one side we noticed a magazine. We were curious by the images. It didn’t take long for us to feel that this was not right so we threw it away. Looking back having no idea what a huge impact that day had on my life. I often wish someone could have warned me and my friend about the danger of pornography and what could happen as a result of looking at it.

Now that I have a son near the same age I was at the time. I have talked to him as clear as I can as a concerned father about the dangers of pornography and want him to escape not having this problem in his life.

I was by nature shy and ignorant about much in life. I was raised in the church with 10 kids in our family growing up. My parents were great and tried their best to raise us. But I was left alone and isolated so much as a youth which gave opportunity to my addiction to grow. I finally came clean with my parents and went to talk to my bishop. I worked with the bishop and postponed my mission for a year. After much repentance I was called on a mission and had the most spiritual experience of my life. The Lord had truly worked a miracle in my life through my mission. That being said I had a few instances with masturbation while on my mission. I talked with my mission president who encouragement to repent.
After my mission I was doing well and was ignorant that I was an addict. When I got home I got married in the temple and started going to school. Before my mission I had never heard of the internet but was now introduced to this technology at school. We moved away from our families to another state for my first job and had my first computer. This is where I first learned that I was an addict to pornography and masturbation.
I had prayed so many times to the Lord to take this away and that I did not want this and yet I continued to go through the cycle of addiction for many years. The Lord answered my prayers through a wonderful friend who struggled with the same addiction. My friend helped me understand this was an addiction and his wife was friends with my wife and helped her with this devastating realization that I had betrayed her with the addiction to pornography.
This did not stop the addiction, the cycle continued for many more years. I continued to go to bishops and to confess again and again. Confessing that the addiction was still a problem to my wife which helped bring the addiction into the light and that I was being honest with her helped along with talking to the bishop to not let it to a worse point.
I learned of the addiction recovery meetings and started attending giving my wife hope of my recovery. I eventually stopped going to the meetings over time thinking I was over this and eventually relapsed again and again but not telling my wife or bishop. I began telling myself I got this, I can get over it, and this time I’ll do it. I don’t need to tell the bishop or my wife. Telling myself I can get past this on my own. I was believing the lies the adversary was feeding me. I felt so ashamed and so guilty. Going to church I felt judged and isolated. My self-esteem was so low. Now when I messed up I was so numb to it that I felt past feeling. And I really believed that it was impossible.
I came to my wife and said this was still a major problem. I went to my bishop and began working with him. I felt this was the last stand to get over this. My bishop finally had me and my wife come in after my last relapse and he said he thought that I was going lose my wife and family. My wife expressed her love and support for me and I wanted to respond to her and the bishop but it was just darkness. I felt hopeless.
I found a meeting place and began going. As before, I found a great spirit in the meetings and found faith from the testimonies of others who have struggled as I have. I found hope from the testimonies of others who had found success in recovery by working the 12 steps which helped them work the process of repentance. I went but not consistently and I kept hearing of those who had found success had had a sponsor. I did not understand exactly how this worked but I heard one of the members bear testimony of the importance of getting a sponsor and to pray about who you should choose. So I did and had a name come to mind. After the next meeting I asked that person if he would be my sponsor. I know it was inspiration to have my sponsor and I believe this was an answer to my prayers and the Lords way of giving me help.
My sponsor had been sponsored by an amazing sponsor and that helped him to sponsor me. It was very intense even more than I had anticipated and that is exactly what I needed. I remember he had given me assignments to read and things to do among which was we had an assigned time each day for me to call him. I think it was the first week into the sponsorship and I was super busy the day before and did not get my reading done. When I called him he said that this is important and that if I missed my assignments again he would have to stop being my sponsor. He said I need to show him that this is my priority and that I was committed. When he said this there was a twinge of taking offense by this, but I saw that he meant business and that I needed to do the things he wanted me to do. I was very busy so I had to arrange my schedule so I could get the things he wanted me to get done.
I am so glad I did at first I was unsure and still feeling the same feelings of doubt and in darkness. For me it was a very gradual process that came about. But I began to get hope and saw that I could not do this on my own I needed the Lords help and I got that through my sponsor. I began to believe more and feel more comfortable at the meetings. I began to learn and receive inspiration about the addiction and gained much insight. Some of the steps were very daunting and I had a lot of fear. But I was able to get through each one.
Step 4 is where I began going back in my past and do a fearless inventory of past sins and experiences. This was tough I got really down thinking about some of these things I had buried trying to forget and I even started remembering things I had forgotten. I even wrote small things that I had never told anyone to make sure I was thorough. I felt so down I had to talk to my sponsor who helped me to get through it. And then step five was to reveal and tell him all the things in my inventory. This took meeting twice to get it all out. Things I had never told anyone. It felt so good to get that out and I felt good that I had been so thorough and had nothing to hide.
I also went to talk to my bishop and did not do a step 5 with him but just explained where I was at and what I was doing in my recovery. This time I talked to the bishop it felt very good and I felt hope. The spirit was more present in my life. Gradually as I consistently worked on the 12 steps and went to my meetings. My sponsor helped me get through all 12 steps and I look back and see I gained some ground and see that by degrees I had gained many blessings and hope that recovery is possible.
I have become very aware of my character weaknesses, selfishness, fear, and pride. I am seeking to give these up. My obsessions and self-will I have to give it up and let it go to allow the Savior to help me manage my life. My life is unmanageable I cannot do it, I can’t. I have to let it go, not just the addiction but all the selfish character weaknesses I have. This is where I am at in my recovery I am still doing a tug a war with the Lord retaking control and giving it to him.
I am grateful to the Lord Jesus Christ for his help through the 12 step program. It has given me access to his atonement. This is a process and I have a long way to go but I know I am going in the right direction. One day at a time.
Thanks for listening.

The 6 Month Challenge

2012-10-14T12:56:00.003-07:00

I'm a recovering addict to pornography, masturbation, lust, and a slew of other things.

I've been in and out of the program for 4 years.

I've found that I'm most effective at maintaining sobriety when a few things happen:

1. I attend meetings CONSISTENTLY!
2. I CONSISTENTLY work the steps of the program, preferably with a sponsor or someone who I can "return and report" to.
3. I CONSISTENTLY study the words of modern and ancient prophets.

As you can see, CONSISTENCY is the crutch.

So how can I be more consistent?

I've asked myself this question over and over and over again. I've worked with a sponsor. I've been a sponsor to others. I've set goals. But at some point in my effort to be consistent, I lose focus, get distracted, and end up having to start my quest again.

Since we just had General Conference, I decided to put together a 6 month challenge. This challenge is to help me (and others like me) to study, reflect, and search for God's will in my life.

I thought by sharing this challenge in a place like PASGWorks.com, it may get others involved, and we can all help one another through our fight with addiction.

Here's the link to the 6 Month Challenge (taking it a day at a time): http://bit.ly/lds-general-conference-challenge-oct-2012

I look forward to working with others, sharing our insights, and developing habits that will help us all submit our will fully to God and have Him direct our lives more fully.

Women Struggle Too...

2012-09-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

We recently received a message from a young woman in recovery from pornography addiction. While PASG Works blog is dedicated specifically to men's pornography addiction recovery, it should never be forgotten that men are not the only ones affected. The principles shared on this blog are available to help any child of God in his or her pathway to sobriety.

We appreciate the recovery story that this sister has shared on her blog. You may read her recovery story by clicking on the hyperlink below.

In her message to PASG Works, she said:

"I'm not a man so I don't expect you to publish this... but you are welcome to. I feel it's important that people understand this isn't a mans disease but a human disease. Women struggle too... So, I just wanted to share my story... if you would like to share it in a post, you are welcome to:-) Thanks!" http://www.bythelightofgrace.com/2012/08/touched-by-light-of-grace-my-story.html

Golfing For Recovery

2012-08-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

3 Nephi 14:25

And the rain‍ descended, and the floods came, and the winds‍ blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell‍ not, for it was founded upon a rock.

Last weekend I had free time to golf. I didn’t plan ahead and schedule a tee time so I was at the mercy of which golf course had a time available. The course I wanted to play was full. I decied to head over to my second choice. When I pulled up in the parking lot of the second golf course the wind was gusting. I had the free time to golf and my golf clubs, tees, balls, and golf shoes in the car ready to go, but I was hesitant. My automatic thoughts were, “The weather conditions aren’t just right. It’s too windy. Shouldn’t I just do something else instead of golf? Maybe I should come back later.”

This example is a metaphor for situations in achieving sobriety and being in recovery. I remember several times listening to conference talks about pornography and thinking, “The conditions aren’t right just now. Work is busy and stress is high right now.” Other thoughts were, “Life is too hectic and my wife is too overwhelmed to burden her with my problems. Maybe I’ll tell her next week.”

I have come to realize that there often isn’t a perfect time or set of circumstances. Going back to the golf example, I decided to bite the bullet and golf in the wind. It wasn’t my best round of golf, but I enjoyed the experience of clearing my mind and taking in the beauty of the course.

The same is true of finding sobriety and recovery. Life is full of surprises. There is rarely a perfect time. Through recovery and attending PASG meetings I’ve been taught and picked up tools and coping skills to work through stresses of life.

I realize that I’m not alone in recovery. There are others that understand recovery and are willing to help. Transparency with my spouse is key to rebuilding trust. Just because my mind and body crave something doesn’t mean I need it. Affirmations are helpful in quieting negative and self-defeating thoughts. I must work the 12 steps and regularly attend PASG meetings. Fighting for recovery is easier than fighting against temptation and darkness. Addiction doesn’t bring happiness. There is another way. God hasn’t given up on me. There is hope.

Redeemer of My Soul, Subject of My Sentences

2012-07-31T05:10:00.000-07:00

Early in my recovery, I was doing everything I could think of to battle lust, but nothing was getting me sober. Well equipped with rationalizations, I was eager to file my latest slip under “just one of those things.” I thought I was doing my part (frantically reading recovery material, responding to the questions in the manual, and going to meetings) but it seemed I just had to accept the fact that God wanted me to slip a few more times; you know, so I could stay humble. Needless to say, although I was doing new things, I did not yet have a new heart. After telling my sponsor that I thought it wise to move on to Step 3, I got a wake-up call; he informed me that my continued relapses meant I hadn’t really taken steps one and two.

He pointed out that most of my sentences started with “I” -- “I’m doing everything I’m supposed to. I’m trying so hard. I really want to change.”

“That,” he said, “is a sign that you have not yet given it over to God.”

The Big Book describes the change of heart that needs to occur for God to give addicts sobriety as: “an entire psychic [mental] change;” “much more than [being] inwardly reorganized, [having one’s] roots grasp a new soil;” obtaining a “new God-consciousness;” “Entering upon a new relationship with [one’s] creator;” “[having] our whole attitude toward life reorganized;” “Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of [our] lives [being] suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives beginning to dominate [us].”

After many dramatic and powerful (though sometimes gradual) incidents of addicts “taking up their beds and walking,” the Big Book declares: “He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.” The necessary change of heart seems to have been accompanied by a change of sentence construction, with “He”--referring to God--at the head. Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions puts this mental shift another way: “The notion that we would still live our lives, God helping a little now and then, began to evaporate.”

As I reexamined the way I talked about recovery, I saw that I was still acting like I was running the show--like I was the super hero charged with defeating this powerful villain, and God was my sidekick. The resulting defeat forced upon me a drastic change in attitude; God was to be the superhero, and I His sidekick. As His sidekick, I did not need to have the whole game plan in front of me, nor was I responsible for defeating the bad guy. My job was to cooperate, help in any way I could, and often just get out of the way, while God did the real work.

After this attitude change I did many of the same things--went to meetings, studied recovery material, phone calls, prayer, etc. But the manner in which I did them and the way I talked about them became much different. When sharing in meetings, statements such as the following disappeared from my speech:

* I know I can do it if I put in more effort.
* I was put on this earth to become stronger; to learn to do things without God’s help.
* I just need to keep fighting this thing.
* If I am completely honest and stay out of isolation, my addiction won’t just stick around forever!
* I just need to remember to keep my guard up.
* I need to do some inventorying so I can figure out what went wrong and do better next time.
* I know if I surrender my temptations to the group more, I will gain power over my addiction.
* If I can just identify when I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired and address that need in a healthy way, I’ll be able to beat this thing.
* If I cut off all my access, then I will not act out anymore.

Notice how the subject of each sentence above is “I,” and the verbs (“put in more effort,” “become stronger,” “keep fighting,” “am honest,” “stay out of isolation,” “keep my guard up,” “figure out,” “surrender,” “identify,” “address,” “cut off”) reflect faith in my own abilities. I find that these days my sentences look more like the following:

* God can do it if I let Him.
* God put me on earth to be tested--to see whether I would trust in myself or turn to Him for strength.
* If somehow God can fight this thing for me, no captivity is too powerful for Him to overcome.
* If God doesn’t intervene, I am likely to be trapped in my addiction for the rest of my life, no matter what I do.
* God can bless me with sanity where my best defences fail.
* God will reveal my character defects to me as I inventory so I can surrender them before they take over.
* God will not take away anything I am still holding on to--He respects my agency. As a gesture of my humble willingness to be changed, I need to be honest and open with Him and others in the fellowship.
* God gave me certain needs and with His help I can meet them in His way and accept that they will not always be met perfectly.
* God can free me from my addiction, no matter what my circumstances are.

I read a story once in which a recovering alcoholic described seeing a bird diligently flapping to stay aflight, then relaxing and spreading its wings as a stream of wind carried it to new heights and enabled it to do all sorts of impressive dives and maneuvers. This added power would have been obstructed had the bird continued flapping with its own power. She compared this to the enabling power of God that blessed her with freedom when she was too weak to go on by her own strength. This has been my experience as well--since I let God be in charge of my recovery (and every other aspect of my life), He has blessed me with more peace and sobriety than I’ve ever experienced before!

There Hath No Temptation Taken You...

2012-07-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

There hath no temptation taken‍ you but such as is common to man: but God is‍ faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted‍ above that ye are able; but will with the temptation‍ also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

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Each day I look for articles about recovery or inspirational stories of people overcoming addictions. I find that no matter the addiction, there are similarities in the approach to overcoming addictions. This daily research keeps me focused on recovery and reminds me that I’m not alone in striving for recovery.

A couple of days ago while reading a blog on recovery, I came across scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:13. The scripture struck me. I did not understand what the phrase “...but such as is common to man...” meant. A quick search on lds.org lead me to a conference talk by Elder Packer given in October 2000. I was touched by the talk “Ye are the Temple of God.” (http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/10/ye-are-the-temple-of-god?lang=eng) The part of the talk that impressed me the most was near the end. Elder Packer said:

“Now, what of you who have already made mistakes or have lost yourselves to an immoral lifestyle? What hope do you have? Are you cast off and lost forever? These are not unforgivable sins. However unworthy or unnatural or immoral these transgressions may be, they are not unforgivable. When completely forsaken and fully repented of, there can open the purifying gift of forgiveness, and the burden of guilt will be erased. There is a way back—long, perhaps; hard, certainly; possible, of course!”

Elder Packer continues:

“The choice rests with you; you are not cast off forever. I repeat, these transgressions are not unforgivable.”

Elder Packer’s words caused me to weep. I wept because these words give me hope. They give me hope for recovery and forgiveness.

When this talk was given, I was steeped in addiction. While I don’t recall hearing this talk in October 2000, I’m sure my reaction at the time was one of the following. Either I said to myself that this talk was for someone that couldn’t control their addiction or was much worse off. The second possibility was that I felt hopeless that I could find a way out of my secret addiction.

I have felt deep despair and hopelessness that I would be able to break the chains of addiction and live of life in recovery and sobriety. I felt that I wasn’t worthy of accessing the Atonement and finding forgiveness. I felt ugly, dark, dirty, unworthy, and hollow. Why would the Lord want to help me? I have truly believed these false core beliefs for much of my life. I now recognize that these thoughts are not true. Why would the Atonement only be for those “worthy” to access it?

For me, these false beliefs could be rooted in the idea that to enter the temple and partake of blessing I must be deemed worthy to have a recommend. I have come to realize and now have a personal testimony that a recommend is not required to access the Atonement and receive the cleansing blessings in my life. What a remarkable change I’ve felt in my life when compared to the ugly, dark, hollow, and unworthy feelings I once felt! After 21 months of sobriety and recovery I continue to attend PASG meetings, meet with a therapist, and work at recovery. My journey is just beginning, but I have already felt and experienced the healing power of the Atonement.

If you don’t feel like the Atonement wouldn’t work for you, that you’ve gone too far in your sin, that you are beyond help, or you feel stuck in the dark grips of addiction, please believe in the words of Elder Packer. “You are not cast off. These transgressions are not unforgiveable.”

The Nephite Pride Cycle and Addiction

2012-06-17T09:15:00.001-07:00

I once heard that you can take the addiction recovery program and replace “addiction” with “sinner” or even replace “addiction” with “weakness.”As I am in this program now for over a year, I have learned that to be true. Although I am still an addict, I still struggle with sinning. Not relapse per say, but I struggle with self-will, with my character defects, and with that all powerful enemy of everyone, pride.

I have been sober for quite some time now, but many of the temptations that would so easily sway my attention now so not hold hardly any sway any more on me at all. I can see some of these same patterns within the scriptures. The Nephites for example, were addicted to the pride cycle. I don’t know if I follow that same pattern, but I certainly have my faults.

The Nephite’s pride cycle was something like a humble people received blessings. After some time they began to harden their hearts and turn from the Lord. After turning from the Lord the Lord saw fit to chasten them by war, famine, or Gadianton Robbers. They became humble again and the process started over again.

If the Nephites had followed the 12 steps maybe they wouldn’t have to fall into that same trap. I know really that the 12 steps are really just another format of the atonement. I know that it works, but I also know that had the Nephites, just like any person or any nation, would live the principles of the 12 steps every day, that the pride cycle would not ever take hold on them again.

Emotional Hangovers.

2012-05-30T16:42:00.001-07:00

I have never drank alcohol, coffee, or tea... mostly because I'm a Mormon and Mormons don't drink! Of all the commandments we hold dear, I chose to keep the Word of Wisdom most religiously. Part of me wishes I would have gotten addicted to coffee instead of pornography, but it's true, my drug of choice is pornography. So, what do I know about hangovers?

The other day I was reading in the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. In Step 10, pg. 88 it says, "there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether we are drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday’s and sometimes today’s excesses of negative emotion—anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers."

So whether I'm addicted to pornography or alcohol or whatever, I am now convinced that these "emotional hangovers" definitely exist and they directly affect my ability to stay in long term recovery happily, the way the 12 Steps are meant to be lived. I have ruined countless days of my past by choosing to stay hungover from things that happened yesterday or even last week.

The first thing that helps me avoid these emotional pitfalls is to be honest. If I fall into one of these self justified traps then I can sometimes be stuck for days wallowing in self pity and resentment. Before I found the 12 Steps and my sponsor I rarely even had the honesty to admit that I was in a bad mood, let alone do something constructive about getting out! Now, my daily task is to acknowledge any resentment, fear and other negative emotions and take care of them right away by calling my sponsor or by apologizing and making things right with the person place or thing which I am upset with. I don't actually have the power to pull myself out of an emotional trap by my own bootstraps, but heavenly father does. Once I am honest about my situation, then I can have hope and begin trusting in the Lord that He can bring me to a higher place if I have the willingness to seek him. Sometimes I have to physically write an inventory of all the things that are bogging me down and share them with someone. See where I'm going with this? The 12 steps can be applied step by step on any problem that I face, they don't just work on addictions, they work on everything! This is the happy high road that the AA book talks about. Living one day at a time, one moment at a time without being bogged down by yesterdays regrets and failures. The atonement works, the grace of God is accessible to all who can humble themselves and turn back to Him. This happy new way of life works for me! I hope that I can continue learning new ways to apply the 12 steps in my life. There is joy in the journey.

Helpful Books For Pornography Addiction Recovery

2012-05-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

Often times I had felt, early on, a sense of being overwhelmed with the thought that I have a probably 50 years or so left of life. At first my sense of being overwhelmed was based on whether or not I could stay sober and maintain a life living in recovery. As I worked on giving that fear to the Lord another one sprung in it's place.

I used the church's addiction recovery manual, as well as "Alcoholics Anonymous" and "12 Steps and 12 Traditions." My sponsor had me read portions of those books as part of his guiding me through the steps. I have grown to love those books so much, as they helped me turn to Heavenly Father and the Savior, and learn to apply the atonement in my life. Indeed they were key parts of the shredding the scales from off of me that had held me so tightly bound for so long.

Those three books are awesome, but I couldn't help and want to read more books on recovery, especially as I wanted to better understand the nuances of other people's addictions that I do not have. I didn't know really how to begin compiling a list, but fortunately one was started for me. The missionary in the group that I regularly attend, has been a recovering addict for over six years has read a number of books and wrote them down.

I wanted to share his list with everyone. I have read a number of them, but I still have a ways to go. Hopefully these books will be a blessing in your life.

Books Authors Copyright Publishers
Alcoholics Anonymous Bill, Bob, and Others 2001 AAWorldSvc
Alcoholics Anonymous His. of AA World Svc 1957 AAWorldSvc
Comes of Age
All These Shall Give Thee Neal A. Maxwell 1992 DeseretBkCo
Experience
Believing Christ Stephen E. Robinson 2000 DeseretBkCo
Between Husband and Wife SE. Lamb & DE. Brinnley,2001 Cov.Comm.
Bonds That Make Us Free C. Terry Warner 2000 Shadow Mtn
Broken Heart, The Bruce C. Hafen 1989 DeseretBkCo
Chosen Steven A. Cramer 2007 Cedar Fort Inc
Clean Hands, Pure Heart Phillip A. Harrison 2004 Windhaven Pub
Confronting Pornography M.Chamberlain, 2005 DesertBkCo
D.GrayR.Reid
Drug of the New Millennium, The Mark B. Kastleman 2007 PowerThinkPub
Facing Codependence Pia Mellody 1989 Harper&RowPub
Feeling Buried Alive Never Die Karol Truman 2003 OlympusDistrib.
Forgiving Ourselves Wendy Ulrich 2008 DeseretBkCo
From Heartache to Healing Coleen/Phillip Harrison,2010 WindhavenPub
God Wants Powerful People Sheri Dew 2007 DeseretBkCo
Gratitude's Transcending Power Sharon Norcia Mason 2006 GranitePub
He Did Deliver Me From Bondage, Colleen C. Harrison 2002 WindhavenPub
He Restoreth My Soul Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD 2009, ForwardPresPub
Heal My Broken Heart R. Davidson and T. Davies 2004 GatehouseMed
Healer's Art, The LD. Newell and DH. Staheli 2006 DeseretBkCo
Holy Secret, The James L. Ferrell 2008 DeseretBkCo
If God Loved Me, Why This? Kim A. Nelson 2007 DeseretBkCo
If Life Were Easy, Sheri Dew 2007 DeseretBkCo
It Wouldn't Be Hard
In The Arms of His Love Steven A. Cramer 2007 CedarFortInc
In Trying Times, Just Keep Trying,Merrielee Boyack 2010 DeseretBkCo
In Quiet Desperation Fred & Marilyn Matis/ 2004 DeseretBkCo
Ty Mansfield
Infinite Atonement, The Ted R. Callister 2000 DeseretBkCo
Line Upon Line, Rod W. Jeppsen 2002 PathwayPress
Precept Upon Precept
Love You Hate the Porn Mark Chamberlain 2011 ShadowMtn
Miracle of Forgiveness, The Spencer W. Kimball 1969 Bookcraft Inc
No Doubt About It Sheri Dew 2004 Bookcraft Inc
No One Can Take Your Place Sheri Dew 2004 DeseretBkCo
Overcoming Addiction Douglas Dobberfuhl 2011, WalnutSpringsPr
Peacegiver, The James L. Ferrell 2004 DeseretBkCo
Putting on the Armor of God Steven A. Cramer 1992 Cedar Fort Inc
Sex Addicts Anonymous SAALiteratureCommittee,2004 IntntlSvcOrg
Sexaholics Anonymous RecoveringSexAddicts, 1989, SexaholicsPubCo
Shattered FA. Kingler and B. Bruin 2005,MapletreePubCo
Stand for Something Gordon B. Hinckley 2000 Three Rivers Pr.
Treating Pornography Addiction Kevin B. Skinner 2010 <atSeagullBooks>
The Promise Land of Recovery Brad Bertelsen 2006 Millenial Pr.
Victory in Christ Steven A. Cramer 2006 Cedar Fort Inc
What's the Big Deal Jill C. Manning PHD 2008 Shadow Mtn
About Pornography?
When Times Are Tough John Bytheway 2004 DeseretBkCo
Will Power is Not Enough AD. Bird & 1995 DeseretBkCo
MD. Chamberlain 1995
Worth of a Soul, The Steven A. Cramer 1995 Cedar Fort Inc
Worth of Every Soul, The Gerald & JoAnne Curtis, 2004, Cedar Fort Inc

The Cockroach Man

2012-04-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

I used to think that I needed to take care of my "problem" and then turn to the Lord as a perfected individual for Him to take me where He wanted me.

What I came to realize is he really wants all of me. "As you come unto Jesus Christ, seeking help... you will not be disappointed." (Addiction Recovery Program A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, page 35). I thought that I needed to be perfect and then come unto Him. This program helped me to realize that it is just the opposite.
It was a tough pill to swallow for me to realize that I am an addict, and that I have a TON of baggage, and anger, and fears, and just plain crap and cockroaches infested in my soul. I tried so hard to be the self-exterminator, and no matter how hard I tried I would feel the roaches multiplied faster and get bigger than I could scarcely stomp one out and 10 would spring from that carcass.

Soon, I would stomp one and 100 would sprout out. When I finally embraced that I was the one who was feeding the roaches and I couldn't even stop that, I found great relief in that knowledge. As I have been sober and in recovery for 6 months now, I realize that there are still so many cockroaches in my life. The food for my roaches now are self-will and selfishness.

I have tried to remind myself the step 6 promise, "[i]f you trust Him and have patience with the process, you will see your pride gradually replaced with humility. He will wait patiently for you to weary of your own unaided effort to change, and soon as you turn to Him you will witness once again (as I have with the previous steps 1-5) His love and power in your behalf." (Id.)

I have felt this promise fulfilled time and time again. I am a law student, and a small business owner in addition to a father, husband, and active member of the Lord's Kingdom. I still struggle with the twin cockroach feeders of self-will and selfishness, but EVERY time that I have turned to the Lord with these feeders, the cockroaches flee his light.

The more I have let my will be enveloped in His, the more I have found that "[m]y resistance to letting go of old patterns of behavior" has been "replaced by an open mind as the Spirit gently suggests a better way of living." (Id.)

I know now that he really wants all of me, not just those parts of me that I thought were pretty darn good. I know that the change of heart comes from Him. I know that this program is His, and I truly have felt Him remove cockroaches when I let Him, and when I stop coddling them. He is the master roach exterminator.

Maintaining Fit Spiritual Condition - Step 10

2012-04-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

I made a commitment to myself the other day when I went to the meeting that I would like to keep in touch more with my sponsor. I sent him a text and, like always, he was prompt to respond and was happy to start communicating with me again. So begins my dedication to "working the steps" again. I really feel that working the steps of the program is basically "practicing what I preach". Just like I like to practice basketball in order to improve my shot and dribbling, "practicing" using the Atonement in my life is that much more important. The 12 Step Addiction Recovery Manual could easily be reworded to "The 12 Steps on Using the Atonement of Jesus Christ in Your Life". I feel pretty confident that I've finished Step 9 for now: I've approached or sent messages to all the people on my list asking forgiveness. It went well. Never did I feel threatened or was there any contention. I'm sure, as I go back through the steps next time, that there may be people I've forgot or people I need to reach out to, but for now I feel like moving to Step 10 is the right thing to do. I also think Step 10 and my commitment to communicating with my sponsor go hand in hand. Step 10 is about "Daily Accountability" - "Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it." I'm grateful for this clear and concise principle. Everyday needs to be a day or recognizing, admitting, and submitting my will to God by asking forgiveness for errors I've committed.
Self-evaluation throughout life is not a new concept. In the Book of Mormon, Alma taught that maintaining a mighty change of heart takes effort. (see Alma 5:14–30)
I looked this scripture reference up and found that Alma is simply asking a lot of questions to members of the Church:

And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye ^aspiritually been ^bborn of God?
Have ye received his image in your countenances?
Have ye experienced this mighty ^cchange in your hearts?
Do ye exercise faith in the redemption of him who ^acreated you?
Do you look forward with an eye of faith, and view this mortal body raised in immortality, and this corruption ^braised in incorruption, to stand before God to be ^cjudged according to the deeds which have been done in the mortal body?
...can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you, in that day: Come unto me ye ^ablessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth?
Or do ye ^aimagine to yourselves that ye can lie unto the Lord in that day, and ^bsay—Lord, our works have been righteous works upon the face of the earth—and that he will save you?
Or otherwise, can ye imagine yourselves brought before the tribunal of God with your souls filled with guilt and remorse, having a remembrance of all your guilt, yea, a perfect ^aremembrance of all your wickedness, yea, a remembrance that ye have set at defiance the commandments of God?
...can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands?
I say unto you, can you look up, having the ^aimage of God engraven upon your countenances?
I say unto you, can ye think of being saved when you have yielded yourselves to become ^asubjects to the devil?

Those were the questions he asked in sequence. He then answers with this bold statement:

I say unto you, ye will know at that day that ye cannot be ^asaved; for there can no man be saved except his ^bgarments are washed white; yea, his garments must be ^cpurified until they are cleansed from all stain, through the blood of him of whom it has been spoken by our fathers, who should come to redeem his people from their sins.

And he follows up with these questions:

And now I ask of you, my brethren, how will any of you feel, if ye shall stand before the bar of God, having your garments stained with ^ablood and all manner of ^bfilthiness?
Behold, what will these things testify against you?
Behold will they not ^atestify that ye are murderers, yea, and also that ye are ^bguilty of all manner of wickedness?
...do ye suppose that such an one can have a place to sit down in the kingdom of God, with ^aAbraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob, and also all the holy prophets, whose garments are cleansed and are spotless, pure and white?

And he answers his own questions again:

I say unto you, Nay; except ye make our Creator a liar from the beginning, or suppose that he is a liar from the beginning, ye cannot suppose that such can have place in the kingdom of heaven; but they shall be cast out for they are the ^achildren of the kingdom of the devil.

Then one of the best questions in the Book of Mormon:

And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a ^achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the ^bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ^ccan ye feel so now?

This is the question of Step 10. This is the question of life. Sure, I've done good things. Sure, I've accepted Christ as my Savior. Sure, I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and have a testimony of its truthfulness. But what am I doing NOW? How do I feel NOW? What have I done TODAY to either bring myself closer to God and His Son, or push myself away from their presence?

To retain what you have gained, you must stay in fit spiritual condition. You do this by asking the kind of searching questions that Alma suggested about your feelings, thoughts, motives, and conduct. Through daily self-evaluation, you will keep from slipping into denial and complacency... If you feel worried, self- pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace... Your goal will be to keep your heart open and your mind focused on the lessons the Savior has taught.

How to Implement Step 10

Start of the Day:

As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others?

During the Day:

As the day unfolds, you can quickly stop negative thoughts or feelings that threaten to overwhelm you. Be especially alert for old behaviors or thinking patterns during highly stressful situations. “What character weakness in me is being triggered? What have I done to contribute to this problem? Is there anything I can say or do, without pretense, which will lead to a respectful solution for me and the other person? The Lord has all power. I’ll relax and trust Him.”

End of Day:

Before you go to bed, examine your entire day. Ask yourself if you still need to counsel with the Lord about any negative behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. In addition to counseling with the Lord, you can talk to an adviser or a friend in the program, someone you can trust to be objective about your thinking.

Outcome:

If you examine your thoughts and actions each day and resolve them, negative thoughts and feelings will not increase until they threaten your abstinence. You no longer have to live in isolation from the Lord or others. You will have strength and faith to face difficulties and overcome them. You can rejoice in your progress and trust that practice and patience will ensure continued recovery.

I'm excited to communicate with my sponsor and with God more. I'm excited to work on Step 10. I'm excited to feel the Spirit in my life on a consistent basis as I strive to be accountable daily.

Things I Need to Work on Today

I've felt anxious about proposals and deals that are in the works but not finalized yet. Instead of being excited and working hard, I've wasted time by browsing on Facebook, reading articles and Pinterest updates, and seeing images that aren't pornographic but spark lustful thoughts. I've put off doing specific things I know need to be done, mostly for fear of the result. I'm ready to take the next steps today and get my To Do list checked off.

Lust Addiction - Roots, Trunk, Branches & Fruit.

2012-04-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am an addict, that much is clear. A few years ago I realized (I mean really realized!) what this means. This drastic awakening came only after a huge blow to my pride and ego; this "rock bottom" point let me finally see the elephant in the room... or, in the analogy that I would like to share with you today, the "tree in the room".

Click to enlarge image.

The evil tree pictured on this post was not evident to me for many long years, although it was still growing since the beginning, when I started to use pornography and masturbation to manipulate my emotions and escape from reality. The seed of addiction was planted in the fertile soil of my pride, and rapidly my "addiction tree" began to put forth fruit. The fruits of my addiction were the first signs that I noticed, although I did not understand where they were coming from.

The Fruit: (surface symptoms: depression, loneliness, anxiety, laziness, anger, etc.) A few years before I hit "rock bottom", I started to see professional counselors about my depression and anxiety problems. I felt stress and frustration and all sorts of bad feelings, and I wanted to get rid of them so that I could move on with my life and "control and enjoy" the addiction that I didn't want to realize existed yet. I was essentially trying to pluck off the fruit of my addiction and destroy it before anyone else found out. I was attempting to treat the symptoms. Little did I know that they would always grow back, season after season, no matter how often I harvested them. The fruit of my addiction were many, some of them were: depression, anxiety, anger, frustration, stress, laziness, lack of ambition etc. The more I plucked the fruit, the more they seemed to multiply. My depression and anxiety and other fruit grew worse, and no amount of counseling seemed to get rid of the fruit for good. I needed another answer.

The Branches: (Pornography, Masturbation, etc.) As I have come to realize, fruit always come from branches. This realization began only after I had reached that rock bottom point. One day I found myself in a position that was so blatantly bad, the only reasonable answer was to admit that I was addicted... so I did. I went to see the bishop and told him about how I couldn't stop masturbating or looking at pornography. No matter how hard I tried, I could not! "Please help me" I exclaimed through tears and sobs, "I can't go on like this" I told him. My amazing bishop who had never been addicted to anything in his life, except maybe to the gospel, told me about some things he had learned in some recent training. He told me about "triggers", and how to avoid them. He also told me to read my scriptures and say my prayers more earnestly and to keep trying. All of this was sound advice, but the truth of the matters is that I simply didn't have enough tools yet, (or willingness). I started to understand that the fruit of my addiction came from the branches of Pornography and Masturbation. I began to think that pornography and masturbation were the main problems in my life and if only I could get rid of them, then I would be happy!... Then I would have the perfect life!... Then I could go on doing what I want to do, and find much success! I tried to hack at the branches of pornography and masturbation for months. Each day I would mark off another day on my calendar that I went without participating in my addiction. But, for some reason, it only would last a few weeks, at the most, and I repeatedly found myself in the bishops office starting all over again.

The Trunk: (Lust) I probably shouldn't introduce the trunk in my narrative yet, because It was not for another year that I discovered it. I still did not have the sufficient humility necessary to acknowledge LUST as a problem. I couldn't make the obvious connection that my pornography and masturbation "problems" sprung forth from lust. Lust is one of those words that is not very well understood... What is lust?... How can lust cause me to act out in pornography or masturbation? These were questions I was unwilling to answer at the time because I was still caught under the illusion that I enjoyed lust. All during those times when I was trying to abstain with my bishops help, I was still "lustfully looking" at girls around campus and at certain images that the world would not label as "pornography". While I was lustfully looking at these seemingly "non-pornographic" things, I felt that I could still somehow tell myself that I wasn't looking at pornography. I wasn't ready to give that up, I didn't even think of giving that up... in fact, I didn't even know that it was possible to give that up! This unwillingness kept the branches from going away, no matter how many times I hacked away at them, the trunk of lust would shoot forth new saplings. It even took me longer to understand that Lust is not just a way to act out, it is a way of life.

The Roots: (Character Weaknesses: Resentment, Fear, Dishonesty, and Selfishness, etc.) I actually discovered the roots of my addiction before I found out about the trunk! When I started attending PASG meetings I started to feel hope that some day I would live sober and abstinent, and that I would be able to be spiritually whole again. After a little while in the program I found a Sponsor. He helped me begin my journey on the 12 Steps. The 12 Steps finally began for me when I formally acknowledged that my addiction was destroying me and that my life had become unmanageable. After accepting that no human power could save me and that only God could and would as I decided to seek Him, I was introduced to the 4th Step. In Step 4, I finally began to learn about the roots of my addiction. Reading the AA Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) I found out that there were 4 main roots to my addiction: Resentment, Fear, Dishonesty, and Selfishness. This realization was profound. As I began to catalog all of my "CHARACTER WEAKNESSES" I felt a new wave of hope come in that I had finally discovered the answer to my addiction. After confessing these character weaknesses in Step 5, I learned a way to give them up to God in Step 6 and 7. My sponsor taught me that only God could take these roots away from me, only He had the power sufficient to kill the roots one day at a time as I asked Him to. It works!.. it really does! The 12 Steps gave me the tools to find real and lasting sobriety. With my sponsor, group meetings, the 12 steps, God, and my support group (Which included the Bishop) I was finally armed with the correct weapons to call for help when temptation reared its ugly head and let God come in and fight the dragon for me.

So why is there a fifth root and a third branch in my diagram? It appears to me that the sickness of LUST pervades the whole vile thing. For me, Lust is a character weakness. I think that it is also the main "taproot" of my addiction and that my other character weaknesses feed it. It then becomes the trunk from which the other twin branches spring. But the trunk continues on as a branch, for now I see clearly that acting out in "lustful looking" is just as damaging to my spiritual health as Pornography and Masturbation. Fruit spring forth from this branch just as they do the other branches. LUST addiction is the elephant in the room, the driving force behind my tree of addition. May I always stay vigilant of this deadly strain.

This idea of the "addiction tree" has helped me understand how the different elements of my addiction are interconnected. Looking back at the years that I have been in the PASG program I can honestly say that I am thankful for reaching rock bottom when I did. Addiction is a progressive illness, untreated it only gets worse, never better. I'm thankful for the miracle that helped me see that the pain of the solution was less than the pain of my problems. But, I must never forget that the solution does involve pain. Work is never easy, and recovery takes work every single day. Nothing worth while in life is easy or painless. The Lord has caused a miracle to take place in my life, and I must continue to show my gratitude for His gift. He has given me a new heart, and just like with any organ transplant, anti-rejection medication must be taken daily. The Lord has prescribed that I continue to attend PASG meetings and work the steps for the rest of my life. I intend to stay sober one day at a time as He makes it possible.

Studying and Writing

2012-04-09T04:24:00.000-07:00

About a month ago my Bishop asked to meet with me. I went in to meet with him, fully knowing I had been struggling. I present quite well on the outside as doing well and staying put together. He knew better. He didn't even need to ask. We had an hour long conversation about many things. It was an emotional conversation on my part. He was patient and loving. Not sure if I deserved his love and patience. I was quite discouraged and shutdown when I left his office. The key part was the last 5 minutes of our conversation.
He firmly testified to me of his belief in the Atonement and the power it can have in our lives if we allow. Also of his belief in me. He stated, I know this is a challenge for you and you are making progress and I firmly believe you will overcome and gain control and experience the peace and love our Savior has to offer you when you are ready to accept. Then he gave me an assignment. I have been given many assignments by Bishops in the past and have done some, but many have been left with nothing done on them.

His assignment for me was to daily invite the Savior to be with me, ponder my state of spirituality and to study the words from our prophets on Faith, Sincere Intent and Desire. Really........I didn't want to study or read anything. I was so upset that the thought of studying was the last thing I wanted to do.

I left and was determined to stay angry......angry at my Bishop because he had put me in my place, but really I was angry at myself and my actions. As soon as I sat in my car, I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and love, just as my Bishop described I would and I knew things would turn out alright. I emailed my Bishop as soon as I got home to express my gratitude for his love, patience and council.

Back to my assignment. I hadn't given it much thought until my foster child and I had had such a hard night the day after meeting with my Bishop. His behavior was off and I was off. I was stressed from work and dealing with him. My usual way of dealing with stress is watching tv, playing computer games, surfing facebook or the internet in general, which all are unproductive and often lead to engaging in p*ornography and m*sturbation.

Before I turned the TV on or wasted hours on the computer and set myself up for failure, I saw my scriptures sitting there and my thoughts went back to the assignment my Bishop gave me. So I went to LDS.org and typed in faith and the rest is history.

This assignment has literally saved me this month. It has been one of the most stressful and challenging, yet rewarding months I have had in a long time. I really didn't think reading and writing about three words would make such a great impact on my life.

Each morning I would take 15 minutes before anyone else got up and ponder the words of our prophets. It was the best way to start my day. It helped me have a different perspective as I went throughout my day. I found myself looking forward to the evening when I would have time to study and write.

Instead of wasting my evenings after work with TV and useless computer time, I engaged with my scriptures and the words of our prophets and I have become changed. My heart has been touched in a way like never before. I have a renewed sense of hope and belief in myself that I can do this.

I also recognize I only have two months of current sobriety, but it's the longest time period I have had in the past 18 months. I need to be keenly aware of the adversary and his attempts to get a hold of me can happen subtly and before I know it I am caught. What has been different this month is I am armed and prepared. I am doing the dailies, that I once mocked. I get now how important they are to recovery and spirituality in general.

I am in such a better place today than I was a month ago. Instead of turning to old behaviors when I have been stressed and giving in to the adversary, I have engaged in studying and writing. I have discovered writing is very calming and therapeutic for me. I am gaining a better understanding of faith and desire and the roles they play in recovery .

I am grateful for a Bishop who loves and cares for me and was inspired to give me an assignment to help keep me focused during a very difficult month.

What is ARP? - LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program.

2012-04-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

Last weekend there was a video that was shared in between General Conference sessions. It highlighted the Church's ARP program and gave in depth coverage of how it works and how it is blessing the lives of countless people both inside and outside the church. The ARP program is growing in many ways. More people in need are finding it each day and more bishops are becoming aware of addiction and how to best help their ward members who suffer from it. Addiction is like a disease, it doesn't just go away with will power and the regular regimen of scriptures and prayer, however, there is an escape. One day at a time attendees of the ARP program are finding access to the healing power of God. They (we) are finding new hearts, and just like any organ transplant, anti-rejection measures must be taken for the continuation of a lifetime. In these meetings, we find knowledge and access to the tools that are vital for continued recovery and sobriety. The LDS addiction recovery program works! I know it does, because it has helped keep me sober for over three years. Please take a few minutes and watch these videos at the following link. If you have not attended a meeting before, then please find one near you.

Click link to watch the video:

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=296&sid=19827401&title=a-ksl-special-12-steps---the-road-to-recovery

12 Steps - The Road to Recovery

President Uchtdorf's Talk - Forgiveness (Step 8)

2012-04-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

I heard this talk by President Uchtdorf during conference over the weekend. It reminded me so much of Step 8, that I couldn't help but submit it to PASG Works so that we all can re-watch it and remember what forgiveness is really about. Step 8, at its heart, is forgiveness towards others, God, and myself. I formally took step 8 with my sponsor, but I continue to take it each day because it is so easy to let resentment sneak up on me. I love the way President Uchtdorf presents this topic.

Perfect Days

2012-03-31T21:13:00.000-07:00

As an addict, I seek after perfect days. I recognize that I'm not perfect, and that I lack the ability to fight lustful temptations on my own. I'm okay with that now, and I used to really hate myself for turning to the addiction so quickly. But now, I am able to ask the Lord for a few perfect days, and He'll provide them to me.
Relapse is a hard word to define. On some level, I relapse too frequently. I don't masturbate or look at pornography anymore, but sometimes I'll catch myself taking second glances, or thinking lustful thoughts. Unfortunately, I sometimes indulge much longer than I should in these aspects of my addiction. However, I'm grateful that the program has helped me have the self-awareness necessary to avoid the long fall back to the bottom of the mountain. Gratefully, I'm able to turn back to the Lord quickly, and restore my peace.

I guess what I'm saying is that we can't expect perfection from ourselves, but we can expect it from the Lord. If we ask Him for those elusive perfect days, He can give them to us. We only have to be wiling to do what we can do, whatever that may be. Make no mistake, we can go without pornography and masturbation for the rest of our lives. We don't need to give up another day to satan. I have a strong testimony of that. Maybe the lustful thoughts and second glances might take some more time, and some refined effort and focus. But the Lord can can provide where we lack, regardless of the discrepancy. I truly believe that. Our Savior Jesus Christ can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves if we will but turn to him and simply try. I believe that if we start asking for those perfect days, the Lord will help us find them.