Passionately, Nick

Wedding Update #3

2012-02-14T21:27:00.001-05:00

Here's where we're getting hitched!

Hi Anthony!

What do you think?

Check out my picasa album for all the pictures I took tonight. I know some (a lot) are blurry, but I'm not a great taker-of-photos.

The Rochester That Could Have Been

2012-02-11T15:11:00.000-05:00

I was born in Rochester, New York, and have lived outside of it my whole life. In the last few years, I moved into the city, and have spent a lot of time wondering why Rochester seems to be left in ruins.

So much of the city is considered to be a "bad" neighborhood. There are seemingly endless expanses of burned out houses, small shops with bars on the windows, and Rochester has been infamous for it's crime.

Why is this the case? Rochester has had so much that could have put it on the map as a beautiful, historic city that anyone would want to vacation in. Here's what I've discovered:

1. High Falls

Rochester has a huge 96 foot waterfall, literally, in the center of the city. The area around the falls are run down. It clearly had meant to be a historic district, but instead, the falls are littered with abandoned buildings, including a sprawling brewery. Not many cities can boast a waterfall steps away from Main Street.

2. Midtown Plaza

America's first downtown indoor mall

Until recently, there was a huge mall in the center of the city. Midtown Plaza was America's first downtown indoor mall. The mall, though, had begun to fail, and the city decided to tear it down. Now, in the center of the city, is a huge pit full of rubble. Of all the malls to revitalize, why not a historic one that could only revitalize the city, as well?

3. The Erie Canal

I know, a lot of cities and towns in New York have historic canal districts. No big deal, right? Wrong. The erie canal used to pass through the center of the city, crossing the Genesse river using an aquaduct. The old city hall was built with its main entrance facing the canal. Can you imagine a historic canal district in the heart of the city? Boat tours? Pedestrian bridges taking you from shop to cafe to shop? It could have made for a stunning downtown area.

What did the city do? Rerouted the canal around the outside of the city, and replace the aquaduct with the bridge.

The Broad Street Bridge now covers the unused aquaduct. The empty aquaduct once held the (now abandoned) Rochester subway system- the smallest subway system in the united states.

4. History Makers

Susan B Anthony lived in Rochester. She's buried in Mt. Hope Cemetery (see point #5). Her house is now a museum, but the Anthony neighborhood is not a place you want to hang out.

Fredrick Douglass also lived in Rochester for a short period of time. He, too, is buried in Mt. Hope.

5. Mt Hope Cemetery

Mt Hope is the United States' first municipal rural cemetery (rural being the style of the cemetery- richly landscaped and sprawling). It is a breathtaking place; the resting place of over 350,000 people.

6. Spiritualism

Rochester is basically the birthplace of Spiritualism. In conjunction with historic canal districts, an enormous cemetery, and historic figures, Rochester could have become a wonderful tourist destination- with the appeal of Salem, and history and beauty rivaled by no other city.

So, why isn't Rochester a beautiful, historic, wealthy city? No really, I want to know.

Wedding update #2

2012-02-07T21:28:00.001-05:00

We set a date! October 27th, the last Saturday in October.

Yaaaaaay!!

We're getting married at the auditorium center in Rochester, New York. I'd link to the website, but it's just awful. We're going next week to pay the deposit, and I'll take a bunch of pictures.

Also, I'm going with smaller, black hair bows for the ladies in the wedding party.

I'm also thinking that your bouquets will be black and white paper flowers- with black and white boutonnières for the men.

I might soon have an officiant, too! I've contacted a pastor from the Plymouth Spiritualist church in Rochester. I want her to talk about happiness and love, and not too much about god.

I still have to think about food. Hmmmm...

Wedding Update #1

2012-02-04T13:02:00.000-05:00

Attention Wedding Party! (Just the girls, sorry Nick!)

I have officially picked out your outfits. I'm still trying to find parts of them cheaply, so don't start buying stuff just yet. Except for the dress, that's not changing!

Here's the dress:

From Amazon!

The hair accessory:

It's hard to find these in not-blonde colors! Here's one option, but if you find them cheeper, let me know!

And those are the only "required" parts. The colors of the wedding are black and white, so please keep everything to those colors.

Like this:

From Target! But don't buy their stuff online, it's expensive. Get cheap costume jewelry in the store.

I still don't know about shoes. I mean, there's really only so much that's going to match the dress.

And you'll be holding black and white flowers-- but they MAY be made out of paper. And they MAY have glitter. Maybe. I'll let you know.

An open letter to Lady Gaga

2012-01-28T12:24:00.003-05:00

Dear Lady Gaga:

I love you. You have done more for my self esteem than any self-help book ever could. I have never been to the Monster Ball, but, for Christmas, my wonderful fiancé gifted me your HBO special on DVD. It was brilliant.

I can only imagine what it's like to be in a crowd of thousands of little monsters, cheering and screaming for a woman who is simply telling them that they already are superstars, and that they can be whoever and whatever they want- whenever they want. It's inspiring and uplifting just watching it from my couch-- in person, it must be a real mind fuck.

I have always wanted to be fabulous. I've always wanted to be fashionable and avant-garde. Your shows, your music videos, and your music has given me the freedom to do things I wouldn't have done before. I've been more outgoing with my friends and coworkers, I've spoken my mind to strangers, I've become more loving and accepting. However, I have run into a little problem, and I was hoping to get a little of your insight.

I've been having a problem expressing myself with fashion. Part of the problem, clearly, is the budget I have to work with. I'm an hourly team leader at Target. I can't afford to buy things from the Versace website. I spend a lot of time looking though eBay, checking the racks at places like Marshall's, and even following the trends at Target (which are usually pretty fabulous!).

But let's pretend that money is no object. Say I'm the richest man in world and I can buy anything and everything. So what? Men's fashion is SO boring in comparison to women's fashion. At Target, for example, there is one aisle of men's shoes. There are, at any one time, at least six aisles of women's shoes. I hate shoe shopping (anywhere) because the options are: sneakers, dress shoes, work boots. Anything else is a varient of those three.

I was so excited this past year as we set the Missoni for Target collection. Bold colors! Bold patterns! Love it! But as I unpacked the boxes and hung the clothes, I was disappointed. There were stunning dresses, beautiful blouses, fashionable teddies and bras-- but for men? Two sweaters (one black and white, and one brown), some ties (yeah, a fun tie. That's how I'll stand out), some scarves, and some winter hats (like, beanies with a pom pom).

Men's fashion is so boring! It's all the same, just with different colors and materials. It's always a suit, or a cardigan, or loafers. I was even browsing through the Missoni men's collection and the Versace men's collection, and yeah, they have nice looking stuff, but it's still all suits and cardigans (I mean, and, it's a gagillion dollars).

What's a boy to do? I can either settle for a life of suits and cardigans or become a drag queen (don't get me wrong- I love a ball gown as much as the next girl, but it's not really my preferred day-wear). It just feels like there is no middle ground.

So, Lady Gaga, Queen of Pop, Empress of Fashion, how do I break out of a world of suits without donning evening gowns to work? Is it possible? Does men's fashion even have a future outside of suits and ties?

Much Love,
one of your biggest fans and little monsters,
-Nick

new year, old problems

2012-01-17T23:49:00.002-05:00

A lot has been happening in my life lately. Work has been crazy. I survived fourth quarter in retail, and probably came out of it better, and certainly more experienced. My mom had a medical emergency, and that sent me over the stress edge. I've been trying to plan a wedding (mine, if that wasn't clear). And I've been once again struggling with my sense of Self; who I want to be and what I want to do. So, where do we begin?

I guess the first thing to talk about is work. I haven't been having the best time, to be completely honest with you, anonymous internet audience. As I've said before, the new role I took on in August ended up being a lot more demanding than I could have imagined. That being said, I've learned a lot. I've learned that I still have a lot of growing to do. It's not like the place I work treats me unfairly, or that I have more to do than is usual for a person to do each day; but the fact is that I need to vastly improve my ability to think quickly and act correctly. When I worked in the world of human resources, I was able to take all the time I needed to look at my problems from different angles and pick the best possible solution. I mean, I worked on problems for weeks so I could fix the very root of the issue. Now, I don't have the luxury of time. I also have a lot more "busy work" than I did in HR (not that it's actually "busy work," but I have a lot more daily tasks than I had before). Most of my problems at work (and, therefore, my stress) stem from these issues. I believe that I can overcome these issues. But I also think, knowing me, that it's going to take more time. I've been in my new role now for about six months and I still feel like the new kid. Most of that is on me. I need to learn to not take things personally, to stand up for myself, and to keep a cool head (and not get overly stressed out).

Which, has been a problem in the last week and a half. My mom has been in the hospital (she's doing much better now!) and I was very worried about her dying. I missed a bunch of work, my stress level hit an all-time high and I haven't been sleeping well because of that. So when I've been at work, I've been run-down, irritable, and worried about my mom.

So, lately my life has been going to work, going directly to the hospital to be with my mom for a few hours, and then coming home, drinking some wine, and going to bed only to do it all again in the morning. There has also been a financial strain, since we've been driving across the city every day, buying food on the go, and paying for parking ($6/day!!).

The advice I've been getting from friends and family is to take care of myself. But, you see, I've never been big on taking care of myself, so now, it's not coming naturally. I think back to other times in my life that were filled with stress and they never went well, for the very fact that I'm not taking care of me enough (think college senior year). There are so many things that I want to do, and the hard part is doing them. My instinct is to retreat from the stress, sit on the couch and watch Family Guy. ALL DAY. But that's no good. I've felt like shit lately, and that must have something to do with it.

Maybe I don't need to be a health nut, and maybe I don't need to be super thin, and maybe I don't need to be rich, and maybe I don't need to be whatever. But I do need to be happy. And I'm not. And that's not what I've been concentrating on. I've been trying to fix all the symptoms without diving into the real problem.

I want to start a business. But I don't think I ever will unless I feel good about my life. This is just the constant struggle I've been having. I need to meditate, I need to get to know myself.

So, do I have any answers? No, not yet. But here are some resources I'm using to help:

-You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

-Inner Light Teachings with Beth Lynch

Are there any resources that you use that others might benefit from? Please leave a comment!

Life Change: Phase I

2012-01-02T20:18:00.000-05:00

Over the next few months I'm going to work on building a side business.

I'm going to be working on creating bath salts, body powders, and eye pillows (to start with). I'm going to have multiple scents in each item, so there will be some variety. I'm probably going to start up the business using Etsy or Ebay-- when it get's off the ground I'll build a website for it.

I'm pretty excited!

Happy 2012!

2012-01-02T01:16:00.001-05:00

My new year started out great! I woke up with no hangover. I'm taking that as a sign that this year is gonna rock :)

I've had a few days off from work, and I've really been thinking about what I should do with this coming year. I don't want to settle into anything in my life, and I feel like i might be doing just that.

I dropped out of Wells because I felt like I was on the wrong path. That was a really, really hard change. That was January of 2009. Now it's January 2012 and I've been doing fairly well. I found the love of my life, and we've both got jobs that allow us to live comfortably. We can pay all our bills, and we do fun stuff together.

But it's important to remember that each change I make isn't the end. I have to remember that my current job at Target was supposed to temporary, and it still can be. I don't need to make a career out of every role I step in to.

So, what do I want to do? I still want to do something that makes me happy, that makes other people happy, and that I can do on my own time.

So what is that? Starting my own business? Doing what? Tarot readings? Making herbal stuff? I don't even know where to start, but I've been bitten by the entrepreneur bug. I want to use this year to get closer to long-term happiness.

What do you think?

I love Missoni!

2011-12-16T22:58:00.000-05:00

I know I'm real late to jump on this boat, but I love Missoni for Target. I think the collection is so fun, so lively, and just so up-beat.

It couldn't have come at a better time. I have been getting so depressed about money, the 4th quarter rush, and conservatism in the united states-- Missoni has been a welcome distraction. I just want my life filled with bright colors and chevron.

This designer partnership also makes me want to knit like crazy. Part of the reason I love Missoni for Target so much is the fact that it's all about knitwear. I love it! Bringing back knits, bright colors, and zigzags. Perfect.

I want to knit this. (Needs Ravelry login)

I want to buy this. (Also, see my Target wish list in the sidebar)

Also, check out Missoni's website. (It has sound, so, be warned)

Planning my wedding!

2011-11-22T14:12:00.001-05:00

Oh my gosh! I can't believe I'm getting married!

And now I need to plan the thing. Fast! I know the next year is going to fly by.

Here's the fast and dirty:

It's planned to be October 20, 2012.

It's probably going to be at the Auditorium Center in Rochester.

I want to have about 100 people.

I want to make my own food (yikes!).

I want to walk down the aisle to this song.

I want glitter.

I want the bridesmaids (or whatever they are since there aren't any brides) to wear something like this (in black).

I want the rest of it to feel like this.

I want the colors to be black and white and purple and green. Oh, and the auditorium I'm having the wedding in is red and yellow and white and brown. Hmmm.

I think I want my bow tie to be houndstooth.

So much to think about!!!

And I still have to think about favors, and fashion, and flowers. Or maybe no flowers? I don't know.

Oh, I also don't want to spend a ton.

How in the world can I make this happen? I need help!

Drowning in Retail

2011-11-11T22:43:00.001-05:00

NOTICE: this blog post is about my current career working at Target Stores. It reflects personal experience and growth, and is not meant in any way to represent the intentions of Target Corporation. [read: dear fellow team members: if you are looking for drama, you won't find it here.]

It's been a while since I've updated this blog. I've been (truly) drowning in retail. I took my new position as a Softlines Team Leader (non-Target-speak: Clothing-Department Manager) in August of this year. I never could have expected how unbelievably hard it has been to be a leader--something I assumed would come naturally--and to work intimately with retail.

Prior to my sales floor position I worked in Human Resources. HR in retail is a completely different beast than working on the floor. When I worked with the team in HR, I was able to solve problems in a quiet atmosphere and take as much time as I needed to figure out the best possible way to get around obstacles.

That's why I excelled. That's why I made it to where I am now, being the Team Leader of an entire department.

However, the salesfloor is completely different. I don't have time to spend half a shift searching for answers and analyzing the best possible way to do something. I have to react. I have to train myself to move and think and strategize faster.

If you've never been in a situation like this, let me tell you, it sucks. I went from being the best to being some newbie who can't do anything right. It was an enormous blow to my ego and my feelings of self-worth.

I've been struggling with that for some time, now. I'll have a day where everything goes well, and I'll feel great! I'm confident that I can move all the way up to CEO at Target (or anywhere!). And then I find myself behind in my work, frustrated, angry, and not having any me-time outside work. On those days I have found myself seriously considering finding another job.

While I have complained and moaned and whined to my beloved Anthony, I know that I will not leave Target out of frustration.

"Why is that," you ask?

Well, it's true that I'm experiencing a serious learning curve right now, but I know for a fact that my time at Target is making me a better person. I have made such incredible progress over my two years with the company. I am a much different person today than I was in 2009, freshly dropped out from college.

I'm bringing all this up because I had such a crazy day today. I started the day being so unbelievably stressed and angry that I KNEW that I needed to transfer to another store, or step down from my position. (I'm sure this had -something- to do with my 5 hours of sleep the night before)

And then, around 11am, I hit this magical zen state of consciousness. I started smiling. I started laughing. I realized that every single part of my day is just that: my day. It's up to me to decide how the day goes. My day sucked up until then-- when I started smiling (I thought to myself, "I'm going to smile really freaking big so everyone knows how freaking happy and awesome I am."), my day just magically got a lot better.

In Human Resources I was allowed to become incredibly bogged down with the lowest-level tasks. I was able to make every single aspect of my job perfect. However, I'm now in a position where I have to see the bigger picture. It's a tough transition, let me tell you.

I realized today that I need to be great. If I can be great, my team will follow suit. And then, my department will follow suit, my store will follow suit, my company will follow suit.

My job is stressful. As is, I imagine, every Team Leader's position. However, it is a key part of my position to ensure that my team is not stressed. Stress does not cause good work. Happiness, great culture, and great communication create great work and great results.

It's funny. I was both seeing myself as too important and too unimportant in just the wrong ways.

It's not until I was in the thick of the role that I really began to understand my role.

Is this what your 20s are like? From Wells College to Target, my world has been totally changed. It's sometimes overwhelming, but I love it. Wells taught me to see the world form many eyes. To challenge everything. Ultimately, to reject social norms.

Target is teaching me to be the person I want to be while preserving my gender-theory background. I have to say, this lesson is harder, and I think it will be much deeper.

My 20s have involved so much change, and so much learning. And I'm only 24! Imagine what's coming next!

Yes, I've been drowning in retail. But today I got my first gulp of air, and it suddenly all became worth it.

twenty-four years later

2011-07-24T19:56:00.005-04:00

It's been a hot few days. In fact, Friday, July 22, 2011; was the first time ever that we turned on the air conditioning. If you know how I feel about AC, you know how hot it must have been!

My plants didn't fare too well in the summer heat.

As you can see, I got a new camera for my birthday! Thanks mom and dad! I'm still learning how to use it, but it's pretty great.

Even though I caught a nasty cold, Anthony and my family made sure I had a great time. My sister and parents had a nice dinner and dessert for me. My friends at work left gifts and snacks on my desk. It's wonderful to start your day with surprise cake pops!

I left work early, because I felt so ill. And Anthony brightened my day more than I could have ever asked for.

He did all the perfect things.

He bought me a digital kitchen scale because so many recipes measure ingredients in grams.

He bought me a Bodum Iced Coffee maker because he knows i love iced coffee. (this is the most amazing thing, by the way. A 12-cup french press. love it!)

He bought me a set of metal storage shelves for the kitchen because he knows I hate the hutch we're holding on to for my mom. He even moved the hutch out to the storage unit while I was at work. But he didn't put the shelving unit together because he knew I'd have fun doing it.

To top it all off, he made me the most wonderful card.

I have never gotten such a wonderful gift in my whole life! I have such a wonderful fiance. I am so, so lucky!

If that wasn't enough, he got me a buffalo chicken sub for dinner, and cheesecake for dessert.

I'm just now starting to feel better. I haven't been this sick in quite a while, and, let me tell you, it couldn't have happened at a better time. After months of being stressed over every single thing, the universe forced me to sit down and remember why my life is awesome. God was reminding me to be thankful of each and every blessing that wafts through my life.

This lingering cough is symbolic of that. My runny nose is purposeful- a tool to help me remain mindful.

I had a wonderful birthday. And I have a wonderful life. And I am immensely thankful for that.

Saying Goodbye in in Furnaceville

2011-07-09T15:23:00.002-04:00

My Nana, Ruth Waite, passed on October 22 of 2010. Today, finally, we had a burial ceremony of her ashes. Her grave is next to her husband, who died in 1986 (one year before I was born), and they now share a brand new headstone.

The ceremony was officiated by Pastor Robin from the Plymouth Spiritualist Church. It was just wonderful. I commented to my father afterward that I really enjoyed the comfort she instilled, as well the concepts she taught us.

The Plymouth Spiritualist Church is the only church that I've ever been to that I like. I really loved what Pastor Robin has to say in each sermon, and the energy raised by the congregation during the healing section is palatable. I love it.

This ceremony couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me. I've been thinking about God a lot lately. I've been rereading Scott Cunningham, Starhawk, Diane Sylvan, and even Barbara Carrellas; trying to get a grasp on what I believe and what I think about everything.

I'm drawn to pagan religions like Wicca--mostly because I believe God is everywhere. God is an energy, God lis life. God is not (necessarily) a "being" like you and me (but maybe!). God is nature. God is the earth. And Wicca is an earth-based religion. A lot of my beliefs line up with those of Wicca. You don't need to go to church to feel God. God is around you (and in you) right now.

I am also drawn to the practice of Witchcraft (which is a separate practice from the religion of Wicca) simply because of the power it instills. A "spell" is nothing more than proactive prayer. It's a method of focusing your energy on a given situation to create a desired result. Healing oneself is a common reason why one might cast a spell. The idea of healing myself with the energy of God is exciting! It gives me confidence.

This, in turn, brings be to the works of Barbara Carrellas. Her book, Urban Tantra, is about, in essence, witchcraft. She uses sexual energy to cause changes. Sex magic is just another way of raising and distributing energy. I have a hard time even talking about this because I think it's SO COOL. It puts the responsibility back in your hands.

A lot of people pray to a being called "God" to ask for help; to pass a math test, for instance. But, taking what I've learned from Wicca, Tantra, and Spiritualism, I would instead study for said test, and then hold a ritual to focus all of my energy on passing that test. I'm still asking for help, but I'm also actively creating my own future.

So, this stuff excites me. I believe in God and believe that God is a part of everything you do everyday. I want to develop this relationship I have with God- I want to be more spiritual. I want to celebrate the full moons as a symbol of the reality and majesty of God and Life. I want to go to church every week. I want to be more in tune with Spirit. I want to better understand and respect our existence.

***

The burial ceremony was in Furnaceville Rural Cemetery. Anthony and I drove to Ontario early this morning, and met a few other members of my family at Konstantino's restaurant. We had breakfast, caught up, and shared our favorite stories about my Nana.

My favorite memory of my Nana was when I was on winter break during my first year of college.
"Are you having a good time at college?" She asked.
"Yeah, jt's alright," I answered.
"Well, I bet you've been having a gay time." A look of shock came over her face. "I mean, I love you!" We laughed and laughed.

***

As far as the restaurant, located on the corner of 104 and Furnaceville road, it was alright. The,portions were on the light side, but the prices were fair. The meals were presented very poorly. And the food came out in three waves-- a breakfast should have been easy to prepare all at once. But, it was fine.

Quarter Life Crisis

2011-06-06T22:11:00.003-04:00

I had great plans to move to Indiana next spring. The only thing tying me to Rochester is my job. I've been here my whole life, and I thought a quick, sudden move would do me some good.

However- it has just become painfully obvious that the timing is not going to work out. Meanwhile, an amazing promotional opportunity opened in, of all places, Buffalo. Gross. But a good job.

I am so, so conflicted. I have friends in Indiana, I have family in Buffalo, and I have a steady job in Rochester. Why can't I have all these things in one place?!?

I can be selfish and stubborn. It's times like these when you can really see the leo in me. I want my friends and family to move here and change their lives to fit around mine so that I'll be happy.

But, I'm the one who has to change. I don't think I'll ever be happy if I'm waiting to be happy.

But what the fuck does that mean? That doesn't really answer my geography question, does it?

Well, I have to stay in Rochester for a while. I have to see my store through it's remodel. I have to let Anthony have the spotlight for a while. I have to develop myself, to grow more. I have to stay right now.

And that sucks. I mean, it's great in some ways. But I literally have no life here. I go to work, come home and talk about work, go to sleep, and go back to work. I've been making an effort lately to leave my work at work, and not talk about it home. But you know what? That makes things kind of boring. I knit and watch movies and read about wicca. I write a crappy blog, I bake. I used to bake and take pictures and blog about it, but my camera died.

I love the sound of fireworks. I like to pretend I'm in a revolutionary war film. "Anthony! ::GASP:: The British are coming!!"

Things really are going well for me. I just want my friends. I abruptly had no friends after college, and it stuck.

See Yourself in Retail!

2011-05-03T22:59:00.002-04:00

I think, as a rule, each and every person should work in retail at some in their life. Specifically, a branch of retail that deals with customer relations or human resources.

On what grounds have I made this statement, you ask? Well, I have worked in retail for most of my working life, and, due in part to that fact, I am generally not a dick when I have to deal with customer relations personnel.

That's all I ask! All I want is for people to generally not be dicks instead of always be dicks.

Working retail teaches you, in a funny way, to have manners. You might hate your job, but your boss needs to see you be nice and charismatic to the customers. So you do that. So you ARE nice to the customers. So you fake it.

So you fake it! Sometimes, you end up feeling it and actually become a better person because of your experience and training in retail. That's great! I wish that for all people.

But, even if that doesn't happen, that's fine. The point is, by faking it, you have learned manners. You have learned how to speak to people in a way that won't make every person the maddest they can be. And that, my friend, is all society really wants.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2011-04-19T10:02:00.004-04:00

To speak entirely honestly, there have only been two people who I can truly call my best friends. I have many friends, for which I am grateful. However, these two people feel more like family to me than even some of my family.

This May will mark two years of not seeing either one of them. I can't stand that! I haven't made many friends at all since I've left college, and you know what? I don't know if I want to. I already met two people who know me and still love me (three people! I love you Anthony!), I don't want to start the process over again when nothing stands in the way of my current friendship-- except distance.

Krystal and Alex moved to Cincinnati (where Krystal is going to school) after graduation at Wells. Graduation was the last time we were together.

Now, Krystal is almost done with her Master's program and will be moving to Bloomington (see picture, above) for a PhD program. And what are we doing here, in Rochester?

Nothing. We are working at Target. I'm having a good time, but I'm not fulfilled. I miss the personal friendship I had at Wells-- and while I experience camaraderie at Target, I don't yet have the deeper relationships. I need friends! This lack of socialization is holding me back. Anthony and I are both quiet people. We need some life.

I just signed a year-long lease. And I'm still on track for a promotion at Target (June-ish). I want to become a Team Leader before I leave the area, since it will guarantee higher starting pay.

But I have to say- the idea of Anthony and I moving to another state scares the shit out of me. I grew up in central NY, went to college in central NY, and now live in Rochester. I guess I'm more of a homebody than I was aware.

Maybe a move would be good? But I'm terrified! I am so close to my family here, and I guess I'm scared to move away from them. What if they need me? What if I need them? What if? What if? What if?

But then, what if we moved? Not right now, but maybe later this year? Or the beginning of next year? What would it be like to live right next to (or even with) my best friends?

I am so conflicted. The very thought of such a huge change freaks me out. What should I do?

Who am I?

2011-03-11T13:42:00.002-05:00

I feel like I've been having such a hard time figuring myself out.

I'm going to be 24 years old this summer. Shouldn't I have a better grasp on who I am and what I should do? Maybe?

It would be nice, anyway.

I've started thinking about this (again) after Lady Gaga cancelled her deal with Target. I work at Target, and I love Lady Gaga, so I was really thrilled to see them partner together. I also hoped that this partnership would alleviate gays rights advocates' attack on Target. I was sick of having to represent a large company every time I said anything on facebook or twitter.

Now, I don't know all of the details, but I'm really disappointed by Lady Gaga's choice to break the partnership. It seems like she was already being a little over the top when the deal started-- she said that she would partner with Target in exchange for the company fixing its past mistakes with the gay rights movement.

A little ridiculous, maybe, but it meant great publicity for both parties. (just so we're clear, I don't think corporations should participate in political giving.). Target is, actually, a very gay-friendly place and bringing in Lady Gaga, gay goddess, would prove that to everyone.

Now she's backing out? Ugh.

Do you want to know the truth? I hate being gay. I hate it because of what it means today. I hate that, because I am involved in a same-sex relationship, I am part of a "community." A bigoted and biased community that is no better than any other useless group. What is the gay rights movement doing for me? It's asking me to hate things and people to make them stop hating me.

To be fair, there is a lot of hate aimed at LGBTQAI folks, but more hate is no the way to solve the problem.

If there were mass protests being staged to demand legal rights, maybe I wouldn't be so bitter. But the fact is that there aren't any mass protests. There is only passive boycotting and bitching which, by the way, isn't fixing anything.

This country is insane. I am so sick of hearing "them vs us" arguments. TARGET HATES US SO WE SHOULD HATE THEM FUCK THEM THEY SUCK. No one is going to get anywhere unless we start working together.

Which, is why I am SO disappointed in Lady Gaga. She gave up on Target. Now, her little monsters love her more, and hate Target more. What's the point? Did anything get better just then?

So who am I? Am I a vegan yogi? Or a cigarette-smoking plastic-surgery whore? Am I a little monster? Or a Target Team Member? Am I a rebel? Or will I climb the corporate ladder?

Why can't I be all of those things? Why can't we have it all?

Baking Baking Baking!

2011-02-27T18:12:00.009-05:00

Lately I've been baking. And cooking. And generally making and loving food. Which is great!
I;ve been trying lots of new things. Experimenting and learning. I've learned how to make sourdough bread! I've learned to make pita bread!

I've learned to make bagels!!! They are so easy and awesome!

Fresh bagels are like nothing you've ever had. They are soft and dense and bready. The next day, they take on the characteristics of "typical" bagels.

What else am I baking? Have you ever been to Starbucks? Have you had a Cranberry Bliss Bar? I made those! So awesome!!

I'm not really interesting in making lots of sweets-- brownies and cakes aren't usually my scene. These bars, however, are faaabulous. They are so, so easy to make, and affordable as well. If you need to bring something to a party, this is a great snack to bring. Need appetizers? Or an impressive dessert? Perfect option.

Also, thanks to The Joy of Cooking, I've learned to make chocolate syrup from scratch. How exciting is that!? It's amazing, really, to lean how food works. Bypassing simple pre-mades is liberating, healthier, and, usually, a lot cheaper.

I've also fallen totally and madly in love with Ina Garten. I got one of her cookbooks as a gift at work, and, man, I just love it. The way she handles food, the concept, that is, is so different from what you read in most cookbooks. She strives to make food taste like food-- she doesn't want to "flavor" any foods, she wants to showcase the flavor that is innate to the food. It's amazing. Like adding apricot jam to an apple tart. It works flawlessly.

Have you made your own bagels? No? Why not? Here's the procedure, taken from The Joy of Cooking (linked above), 75th anniversary edition:

Combine in a large bowl, mix, and let the yeast dissolve

-1 cup plus 2 tablespoons warm water

-1 package active dry yeast

-2.5 teaspoons sugar

stir in:

-1 tablespoon melted vegetable shortening

-1.5 teaspoons sugar

-1.75 teaspoons salt

-1 cup bread flour

gradually stir in

-3 to 3.5 cups bread flour

Knead for about 10 minutes. The dough will seem WAY too tough, but after 10 minutes, it will be a totally different thing. You'll be impressed.

Let rest, 15 to 20 minutes.

Punch down the dough and divide into eight equal pieces.

Roll each piece into a 10 inch rope, tapering the ends. Wet the ends to help seal, and form rings, stretching the top end over and around the bottom end and pinch them together underneath. Let rise, on a floured board, for about 15 minutes, until puffy.

Preheat oven to 425 F.

Bring to boil in a large pot:

-4 quarts water

-1 tablespoon sugar

-1/2 teaspoon salt

Drop the rings, four at a time, into the boiling water. As the bagels surface, turn them over and cook for another 45 seconds. Skim out and place on an ungreased baking sheet coated with cornmeal.

Sprinkle with toppings of choice, and bake 20-25 minutes, turning after 15, until golden brown and crisp.

Easy, right? Go on, go make some! Let me know how they turn out!

Google and Tarot

2011-01-30T18:18:00.003-05:00

I am writing this blog entry from Anthony's brand new Chrome Cr48 Notebook. It's a pretty cute little piece of technology, I have to say. It's basically just a netbook, but much better made and better functioning-- but it's all online. There is barely any offline computer you can actually use. In my opinion, this is what a laptop should be- a companion to a desktop.

I just feel like laptops have been masquerading too much as replacements for a desktop.

Anyway, things are going fairly well for us these days. Money is still a problem, as usual, but we're both moving forward at Target, which is working for us right now. I'm thinking that for at least the next year, we might just stay right where we are. Our lease is up in April, and we're planning on renewing.

I'm thinking that maybe I should start blogging more. You know, to keep me entertained, to keep me learning, and maybe even to entertain other people! I just watched Julie & Julia, and I totally got into the idea of blogging through something... like a cookbook in the movie.

I had toyed with the idea of blogging through the Tarot, investigating each card, one at a time, and finding meaning in the symbolism and the numerology. It could be a really interesting experience for me, and maybe others.

What do you think?

2011-01-13T08:38:00.002-05:00

Every time I bum around Facebook, I get sad and angry. I've "friended" so many people who are no longer my friends. Some people drifted away, some people are just taking a vacation and will come back. To some people, I was the losing party in a college quarrel. I'm haunted every time I log on-- by the false friendships I've collected over the years.

What a waste! What a waste of time, energy, love... it's just a waste.

Just now, two years since I left college, I'm finally realizing that I need to start over. I've lost almost all connection to Wells-- a place that provided some of the best experiences of my life, and, without a doubt, some of the worst I could ever imagine --and I've lost all connection with my home town, and my high school.

Until two years ago, my social life revolved around school. Now I have a job, a career even, and I don't know how to make friends-- especially when it feels like I should already have so many. I guess I don't really want to be constantly starting over.

Hm. Maybe every time I start over, I'll change my blog layout. That'll be fabulous, don't you think?

Randomly, I watched Julie and Julia the other day. I loved it. I want to get into blogging like that. But what in the world would I write about?

It Gets Better

2010-12-13T18:04:00.003-05:00

But, does it really?

To counter gay teen suicides, this is the answer? Don't kill yourself because it gets better? What kind of adulthood are we looking forward to? One where you can't marry your partner? One where you can't openly protect your country? One in which you could be legally fired for being gay (Um, Ohio, maybe?)? One in which you'll still be stereotyped and discriminated against for years and years and years?

Reality Flash: It actually doesn't get better. And I don't think it's a good or productive idea to lie to our lgbt youth. Seriously, do you really think the life of a trans person is going to get a whole lot better if they just wait? Are you kidding me?

It doesn't get better. This country we live in is fucked up. I'm a 23 year old gay male. I can't marry my partner, even though I love him more than I've ever loved another person. How is that ok? How is it that, in 2010, we are still fighting for marriage rights? Seriously? How can I really tell lgbt youth that it gets better, when it clearly doesn't?

I have been constantly stereotyped throughout my life. Everyone asks me for hair advice, and decorating advice. A stereotype is a stereotype. Period. I'm constantly expected to be someone else-- how is that better?

Instead of sugar-coating the incredible inequality burdening our society, let's do something about it!

Where are the Harvey Milks of our era? How about we STOP being complacent and start acting up! Start speaking your mind. Start being yourself. Start demanding equality. Start calling out bigots and hate speech and hetersexism.

It's not going to get better naturally. If we close our eyes and wish real hard, nothing is going to change. It doesn't get better. But we can make it better.

Nick´s Wish List

2010-11-21T15:02:00.002-05:00

I´m not saying you HAVE to buy me gifts, but if you wanted to....

-A Swift
-A Ball Winder
-Some Yarn
-A Gift Card
-A GiftCard
-This Tray

God

2010-10-17T20:15:00.003-04:00

"Do you believe in God?"

I froze. The Medium looked at me for a moment and gasped, "I knew it!"

I felt exposed, naked. I felt like she had just opened my body wide and pulled out all of my deepest secrets. "You have committed no sins."

I've always had a strained relationship (at best) with God. I came to know God through Christianity, and, clearly, we didn't really hit it off. But some part of me needed to know God, so I tried something else. Judaism. Not much better. On and on and on until I hit Wicca. Now I find myself very aware of the God I would believe in if I did believe. I didn't expect to be here.

I find myself knowing all the words to the Lord's Prayer, and being able to cast the most perfect circle you've ever seen-- but I've explained God out of all of it. I didn't want a patriarchal god, so I made a female god. I learned about feminism and queer theory and decided god must truly be without form and exist only as gender-less energy. Then, I decided that everything is energy and, therefore, god is everything, including me and you. Therefore, everything is god, therefore, everything is sacred. And nothing is sacred.

I now know that this is wrong. It's so easy to just go through the movements and forgo their deeper meaning and symbolism, and that's just what I've done. I've given up God for religion.

Now, I'm trying to reforge that relationship, but it's hard. I feel like it's something I must do. There's this emptiness inside of chest that always feels less cavernous when I'm praying or doing yoga, or anything spiritual. I need it. But it's not as easy as just saying, "Ok God, I'm ready to chat now. Let's do this." (believe me, I've tried). I'm thinking that the key is just talking. The more conversations I have, the easier it will become.

The medium advised me to meditate, do yoga, and write poetry. I'm going to try. I'll start by vowing to do yoga every day. (come on, nick. just do it!)

It' just become clear that before I can move any further, I need to develop my spirituality. Going to that Spiritualist church was amazing, but I'm almost afraid to go again. Anthony didn't like it too much and I have no friends.

Universe/God: Help me out, man. I need some Urban Spirituality Therapy, and I've no therapist.

Chaos and Death

2010-09-24T15:16:00.004-04:00

Chaos Theory

I'm always going on and on about how I need to just listen to what the Universe is telling me and I'll be alright. Well, I'm not taking my own advice and I'm most certainly not alright.

I'm surrounded by death. I'm still haunted by memories of my cousin. My grandfather is riddled with dementia. And my Nana has stage 4 liver cancer. Have I dealt with any of it? No, I haven't. I haven't spoken to my Nana in almost a year. Her dying affects me mostly through my own mother. My mother is torn up, and I have to watch. I have to watch someone else grieve. It's a common situation for me.

My grandfather's dementia keeps me away from him. Frankly, it horrifies me. I still remember, vividly, taking a field trip to a hospital while I was in high school and visiting the dementia unit. I had never seen people in that sort of state before. The idea of being conscious and aware (in a matter of speaking) but having lost your sense of Self, your Ego, your Mind...it has literally kept me up at night.

And my cousin. He passed in the summer of 2008. I cried a little when I learned it had happened, and I cried at his calling hours. But never since then. And I cried at his wake not for his loss, but for the pain his immediate family was in. I couldn't stand to see them so devastated.

I feel like I've avoided death for most of my life. Avoided dealing with it, I mean. I watch others grieve and, truthfully, I'm always a little jealous. I want that release. I want to feel something, and then let it out.

Clearly, the Universe is trying to tell me something. For the last few days I've felt tears welling up for no real reason and I've just swallowed them back. At this point, it's habit.

What does this mean? That I need to cry? Duh. But what else? Why is crying important? Why am I experiencing so much death lately? What do I need to be learning?

I wish I could figure it out. I'm getting depressed. I'm withdrawing from Anthony. Emotionally, I mean. I love him. God, I love him. But I feel so separated from myself, the Universe, God; that I can't focus on us.


I'm drifting.

In a fog, a haze, one of my own
making, i'm lazily moving through.

collidingandrebounding

i ache.

stop. open your eyes. open your
       eyes

Is church the answer?

2010-08-28T12:37:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling a little better since last we spoke.

My promotion (that's right. three promotions [+raises] in under one year. love it!) to human resources is going really, really well. I feel like I, frankly, matter. It's not just that people depend on me to do certain things at a certain time, but I have my own space that I can do anything with (the training room) and I'll be able to creatively have a positive impact on how my store is run (specifically, I'm in charge of all of the training in my store).

So, love. lovelovelovelovelove it! AND I now have an email address. AH! Work email! Am I, like, a real person??

Also speaking of Target, I researched optometrists that I can see under my new insurance (!!!) and I can totally go to Reed Eye Associates, which is less than one mile from my house. AND I can go see a doctor at Rochester General Hospital, which is less than one mile from my house. HA I LOVE IT! I'm going to call on Monday and make an eye appointment (um, can you say contacts!?! HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!).

I'm still feeling very set apart from the world, though. I still don't have a social life or any friends and I'm just not creative in finding them.

So, could church be the answer? My cousin Sarah was talking about how much she missed the "community" aspect of church and was happy to finally find one that she liked. I found one that I like, too, and I'm thinking about taking off a Sunday with Anthony so we can go check it out. Now, before you all start having heart attacks (OMG NICK FOOS BELIEVES IN JESUS WHAT), I'm talking about a Spiritualist church. Not a Christian or Catholic one. Specifically, Plymouth Spiritualist Church. Spiritualism actually started in Rochester. I don't know what church will be like, but I'm thinking that adding structure to my spiritual life will do me a lot of good. I'm also thinking that I might get along with people who go to a spiritualist church...and that means....maybe have some friends at some point!!

Have any of you been to a spiritualist church? What's it like?