Dear Patos,

As you will no doubt know if you have been following the stories in the international press, the US government is in the process of closing the Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba. We are, however, having difficulty in re-locating some of the detainees, and are looking for countries willing to take them in. I was wondering if Trinidad and Tobago would oblige. With your skyrocketing crime rate, I doubt a couple more miscreants would make a difference, and you wouldn’t have to do much: just let them loose in a slum somewhere, perhaps the one behind that wall we passed on the way from the airport to the Fifth Summit venue. Judging from the psychological profiles of the ones we have available, all these poor fellows want in life is to reconnect with their sense of humanity, stop having those nightmares about being waterboarded, find a home, join a good mosque, start a family, and settle down and lead an honest life in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Qur’an (substitute appropriate sacred text for non-Muslims). Judging from the warm reception I received from some of your women, notably Ms. Gopee-Scoon, I doubt a former Gitmo detainee should have any trouble starting a family in your country.

Naturally, I don’t expect you to do this out of the goodness of your heart. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. In a manner of speaking, of course.

Attached is a list of the Gitmo detainees we have available for re-location, categorized according to probable guilt, threat level, whether tortured or not, mental health, race, religion and dietary preference. The probably-not-enemy-combatant, non-threatening, non-waterboarded, non-dysfunctional, non-Arab, Christian omnivores are going fast, however, so I’d advise you to not to hesitate in making your choice.

Looking forward to hearing from you. My very best regards to Hazel.

Yours truly,
BHO

I originally consulted the Minister of National Security on the matter, but his most innovative idea had to do with sending the detainees to live in Sobo Village and hoping they die of smelter-related illnesses within a few years. So I’m opening this one to you, my dear friends. Participatory government is alive and well in Trinidad and Tobago! Help me choose a Gitmo detainee! Or four!

Should we grab some Chinese separatists, like Bermuda? Or would that get us into trouble with our Chinese friends and bring the local construction industry to its knees? And if any of you know any women we can fix these fellas up with, please leave a note in the comments section.

Today took place the ceremony of the signature of six agreements on a short-stay visa waiver between the European Union and, respectively, Antigua and Barbuda, the Bahamas, Barbados, Mauritius, Saint Kitts and Nevis and the Seychelles, in the EU Council premises in Brussels….

The new visa regime provides for visa-free travel for EU citizens when travelling to the  territory of Antigua and Barbuda, the Bahamas, Barbados, Mauritius, Saint Kitts and Nevis and the Seychelles and for citizens of these six countries when travelling to the EU, for a period of stay not exceeding three months during a six-month period. 

The people who e-mailed were wondering why Trinidad and Tobago wasn’t part of the group of countries seeking the EU visa waiver. As one person put it: “how come the compatriots of Little Nut and the Bird political dynasty can visit Europe without a visa, and the compatriots of Abu Bakr can’t?!” I’ll confess I had to Google “Little Nut” (am I the only one who didn’t know that St. Kitts had gangsters of that calibre?), but I take the individual’s point—it’s not like the criteria for being part of that delegation could have included a pristine record on crime and corruption. 

So, for the record, here are the reasons Trinidad and Tobago was not part of that delegation:

1. As Trinbagonians appear to enjoy waiting in large groups in the hot sun for hours to gain entry to places like Carnival judging points and being manhandled by NCC officials, we assumed they also enjoy standing in long lines in the hot sun for hours outside embassies and consulates and being manhandled by security guards and consular officers

 

2. The only reason Trinbagonians travel is to shop, preferably in air-conditioned malls. Europe has relatively few malls, and practically no air-conditioning

 

3. Europe is full of old buildings and history, and Trinbagonians—unless they happen to belong to the French Creole minority—detest old buildings (though they don’t mind new buildings masquerading as old buildings—e.g. Jenny Sharma’s house in St. Clair). They consider them useless colonial relics and obstacles to the country’s steady progress towards developed-country status. As for history, the average Trini can barely remember what happened last week, let alone hundreds of years ago, which is why George Maxwell Richards may well remain President of this country for some time to come.

 

4. Europeans eat weird foods. The average Trinbagonian would go hungry in Europe when confronted with some of the strange things the natives eat (e.g. snails, horse, fish roe and pigeon), the rareness of their meats, the strength of their coffee and the pungency of their cheeses, not to mention the complete absence of pelau from menus everywhere. Even the KFC in Europe tastes different.

 

5. Trinbagonian men have difficulty figuring out European women. Given the choice between a normal woman and an Eastern European hooker, the Trini man will make a beeline for the hooker, who will inveigle him into committing acts that jeopardise his coveted job as, say, a chauffeur for a royal family. This is the sort of publicity we can do without.