STEP 1: Don’t Be Me

Now this is very important. A lot of rookies make this mistake. I certainly did.  If you check and realize that you happen to be me, then you’re pretty much fucked. Not only do you have a penchant for losing shit, but your inadequacies in the bedroom knows no bounds. If I were you (which I probably am, if you’ve gotten this far), then I would work long and hard to not be me.

STEP 2: Learn to Go Back in Time

If you were able to avoid being me, then good for you. However, for the select few who are stuck being me, then there’s hope for you yet. No, I don’t mean that you’ll magically exhibit the talent of not losing shit, but I’ll give you the next best thing: Time Traveling!

Since you have no choice but to remain me, then you will invariably keep losing shit: glasses, phones, shirts, pants, even while you’re wearing them. Experts have tried to find a way to teach you/me to stop losing shit. But according to them, it would be “easier to teach women to drive.”

So you’re just going to have to accept the fact that no matter what you do, you will invariably lose shit. One time, I fell down a manhole and the guy I was walking with at the time, didn’t even notice I was gone.  That has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I just remembered it now, and I realized that I could have used a little sympathy then, so now I’ve got issues.

Anyway, time travel. Try to learn how it works. If you do, you might get back some of the things you lost. Like that little brother you sold to some balut vendors that fateful day.

On the matter of actually achieving time travel, well I’m still working on that. I tried everything from running around the Earth as fast as possible to change its rotation. Unfortunately, there were too many Chowkings on the way which slowed me down.

But research shows that the best way to time travel is to act normally so as not to arouse Father Time’s suspicions, and then simply forget to move forward in time.

Step 3: Smaller is Better

Why smaller? To better fit in your anus, silly!

I mean think about it, if you were a cellphone thief, where’s the best place to hide your daily take without attracting suspicion? Exactly.

Yes he's pretty. PRETTY FULL OF CELLPHONES!!!

So in order to prevent being liberated of such stuff as your wallet, cellphone, or a pineapple, you gotta think like a thief, and hide it in the last place where he wouldn’t think that you would: IN THE FIRST PLACE HE WOULD!

Step 4: But if You Do Happen to Still Lose Stuff

The first thing I did after finding out that I lost my phone (aside from panic) is to tell my telco to block any outgoing calls made from my number. That way, the only calls made to 1-800hotmale or 1-8001sheep are the ones made by you!

Now that takes care of the sim, but what about the handset? Simply download and fill out this form, and file it at the nearest NTC office.

I filed mine on a Wednesday, and I was told that by Monday, the handset would be blocked. When I called the NTC, I was assured that my handset was indeed blocked, and no number of trips to Greenhills will render the phone usable again.

I found that the NTC was quite efficient in this aspect, but the cynic in me (and by that, I mean that as I’m typing this, I’m being fucked by a man who keeps asking “Are you sure you’re a chick?”) thinks that whoever has my phone can and will find a way to find a use for it. Like, anally.

Step 5:  Stop Losing Shit

This may not have occurred to most of you, but you wouldn’t be needing this guide if you simply made a decision to stop losing your stuff.

“But Pau! We always lose shit!”

Well, then I leave you with this sage advice which will resonate for generations to come because of its, um, sageness:

Don’t.

You’re welcome.

Second of all, don’t give me that “If you wanted to see a masterpiece, go watch Godfather or something.” Again, I call bullshit. Regardless of the genre of anything, it can and should be done well.

Take Crank, Crank 2: High Voltage, Iron Man, and The Dark Knight for example. All were summer movies designed to cater to the lowest common denominator. You weren’t expected to struggle to keep up with whatever’s going on screen. However, all of these movies turned out to be well thought of and came complete with such things as plot, characterizations, and motivations. So there’s really no excuse to just make a movie just for the sake of creating a spectacle.

Unfortunately, Michael Bay, what with the amount of money he makes with his movies, cannot be bothered with caring about what his audience things.

Below you’ll find a list of just some of the things I hated that summer robot movie  (I could post a spoiler warning, but since the movie threw away any semblance of a plot 5 minutes into the film, I don’t think I’ll be spoiling anything) :

1. For Michael Bay, robots wear spectacles and speak with a German accent.
2. When you hump Megan Fox’s leg, you are neither seen or heard from again for the rest of the movie.
3. When you are battered in robot form, just transform, and you’ll find yourself good as new when in car form.
4. Even if you cannibalize and kill your 6th member to fix Megatron, the submarine’s sonar will still register 6 objects
5. ROBOTS CAN TRANSFORM INTO A COLLEGE SLUT
6. Decepticons can plant a robot slut in your college months before you start studying there.
7. FUCKING RACIST TWINS
8. You can drive through the desert and come out as if you had gone through a car wash.
9. The AllSpark can kill Megatron in the first movie. And can resurrect him in the second
10. The Beef has been holding the AllSpark in the first movie and it didn’t have any effect on him, but watch when he touches a sliver from the AllSpark in the second movie. ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE IN HIS BRAIN!
11. Transformers heaven.
12. When in Egypt, Bumblebee and / or the Twins can be standing next to you in one scene, but they mysteriously disappear in the next, only to reappear in the following scene to save the day! HOLY FUCKING CONTINUITY BATMAN!
13. ROBOT TESTICLES!
14. When you are no longer connected to the government, and you want a ship to use its ultra secret weapon to fire on a target of your choosing, just order him around in a bossy voice and they’ll just blast that fucker off the map without the need to validate your identification, or your claim.
15. MEGAN FOX CAN BANDAGE YOUR HAND in 3 SECONDS AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A BRAIN SURGEON DID IT!
16. There is no need to name the individual robots. You never get to know them anyway.
17. Transformers can teleport? Fuck that. And fuck Michael Bay
18. ROBOT FUCKING TESTICLES. SERIOUSLY

Now it might seem that I’m only nitpicking here, but if such flaws make up 90% of the movie, then it’s not so much as nitpicking as it is a running commentary.

In a nutshell, QIK lets you stream videos from your phone straight to the website. No need to save the video and upload it at a later time. It’s a real nifty idea which piqued my interest. Unfortunately, as cool as this webtoy is, it fall under the category of “this is so cool, but when am I going to use this?”

Well maybe if I find myself stuck in an office building which has been taken over by terrorists, and my wife is trapped downstairs with the other hostages. It is up to me, my wits, my shoeless feet, my cellphone with video capabilities, and a reliable 3G signal to get them out of this sticky situation.

But until that day comes, here’s me testing QIK with my Rubik’s Cube:

More Rubik’s Cube Dickeries:

1. Because I’ve got nothing to blog
2. Professor’s Cube – Solved
3. I’m not dumb
4. It finally happened
5. I’m not dumb Part II

So in conclusion, I’m going to say that people like Bong Revilla are dumb.

Baddie is the type of man who cannot start and end the day without thoughts of dongs in his mouth. Seriously, if dongs were made of sugar, he’d be a diabetic. If Baddie were Pinocchio, and eating dongs was lying, his nose would be 3 feet long now. Because he’s got a nose-boner. For dongs! If The Matrix were made of dongs, BaddieNeo would pick the blue pill. But only if it’s dong flavored.

Anyway, to put his list to shame, I present you 100 songs that will make you ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT! (Apologies for the lack of variety in this list. What can I say? I’m a man of limited interests)

1. O.A.R – That Was A Crazy Game of Poker
2. Dream Theater – Stream of Consciousness
3. Dream Theater – Home
4. O.A.R. – City on Down
5. AC/DC – Hells Bells
6. AC/DC – Thunderstruck
7. Breaking Benjamin – Shallow Bay
8. Black Sabbath – N.I.B.
9. Fishbone – Sunless Saturday
10. Dream Theater – Ytse Jam
11. Led Zeppelin – Trampled Underfoot
12. Liquid Tension Experiment – Kindered Spirits
13. Primus – Tommy The Cat
14. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Johnny, Kick A Hole In The Sky
15. Metallica – The Thing That Should Not Be
16. Clutch – 1000111010
17. Clutch – Small Upsetters
18. Death Angel – Veil of Deception
19. Dave Matthews Band – Warehouse
20. Iron Maiden – Seventh Son of a Seventh Son
21. Skillet – Rebirthing
22. Robert Rodriguez – Grindhouse
23. Eric Johnson – Cliffs of Dover
24. Jimi Hendrix – All Along The Watchtower
25. Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train
26. Kansas – Carry on My Wayward Son
27. Faster Pussycat – Pulling Weeds
28. Faster Pussycat – Arizona Indian Doll
29. White Trash – Apple Pie
30. AC/DC – Money Talks
31. O.A.R. – Mr. Brown
32. O.A.R.  – So Moved On
33. Jimmy Eat World – Splash Turn Twist
34. Iron Maiden – Rime of The Ancient Mariner
35. Iron Maiden – Blood Brothers
36. Clutch – Carefil With That Mic…
37. Clutch – Who’s Been Talking?
38. Ozzy Osbourne – No More Tears
39. Metallica – Master of Puppets
40. Metallica – Of Wolf & Man
41. Clutch – Gravel Road
42. Something Corporate – I Woke Up In A Car
43. Clutch – The Devil In Me
44. Clutch – Mr. Shiny Cadillacness
45. Clutch – La Curandera
46. Metallica – the Call of The Ktulu
47. Dave Matthews Band – Crash Into Me
48. Breaking Benjamin – Sooner or Later
49. Breaking Benjamin – Next To Nothing
50. Alice In Chains – Man In A Box
51. Anthrax – Milk
52. Anthrax – Belly of the Beast
53. Anthrax – Keep It In The Family
54. Clutch – Regulator
55. Deep Purple – Space Truckin’
56. AC/DC – Who Made Who
57. AC/DC – Givin’ The Dog A Bone
58. Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’
59. Aerosmith – Sweet Emotion
60. Aerosmith – Walk This Way
61. The Killers – When You Were Young
62. Dragonforce – Prepare For War
63. Faster Pussycat – Where There’s A Whop There’s A Way
64. Flight of the Conchords – Jenny
65. Francis M – 3 Stars and a Sun
66. Harvey Danger – Flagpole Sitta
67. Infectious Grooves – Infecto Groovalistic
68. Iron Maiden – The Wicker Man
69. Iron Maiden – Stranger In A Strange Land
70. Iron Maiden – Losfer Words
71. Iron Maiden – Alexander The Great
72. Iron Maiden – Ghost of The Navigator
73. Iron Maiden – The Nomad
74. Jane’s Addiction – Three Days
75. Dream Theater – A Change of Seasons
76. Dream Theater – Metropolis
77. Therion – Clavicula Nox
78. Jonathan Coulton – Re: Your Brains
79. The Killers – Mr. Brightside
80. The Killers – All These Things That I’ve Done
81. Skid Row – Youth Gone Wild
82. Skid Row – Slave To The Grind
83. Skid Row – Little Wing
84. Tesla – Modern Day Cowboy
85. Tesla – Love Song
86. Tesla – Paradise
87. Ugly Kid Joe – Milkman’s Son
88. Warrant – Down Boys
89. Black Sabbath – War Pigs
90. Faith No More – The Real Thing
91. Alice In Chains – Rooster
92. Cypress Hill – Insane In The Brain
93. Dave Matthews Band – Don’t Drink The Water
94. Deftones – Digital Bath
95. The Doors – People Are Strange
96. Dream Theater – A New Millennium
97. Drowning Pool – Bodies
98. Dr. Horrible Soundtrack – My Eyes
99. Fishbone – Ma & Pa
100. Pat Benetar – All Fired Up

Also, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, please read:

The Morality of Bong Revilla

Open Letter to Mr. Alec Baldwin

To be totally honest, neither Rach or I were looking forward to the trip because we weren’t really beach people. I guess we’ve derived all the pleasure we could get from the beach when we were kids.

Fortunately, we were proven wrong as we had a great time. Even despite our body issues.

Here are a few pics from our trip.

Tery Hatcher Speaks Up!

Please don’t kill the author.

I personally find it disturbing that we Filipinos have made it a habit to respond to satire with hate. Let’s let the issue die guys. There are important things to tend to, and a bruised ego isn’t one of them.

Also, here’s a list of people who said it better than me:

• You’re Right
• Satire & Opinion
• Joseph Dent Explains The Joke
• Schoolyard Bully
• Nation of Servants
• Outrage

But since not a lot of you know all the details, I’ll try to recall the events to the best of my abilities:

• I went to MC Home Depot to check out the boxing gym over there.
• I entered the MC Home rooftop parking at around 5:23pm.
• I was parked around 15-20 meters away from the guard on duty. And the line of sight between him and my car was unobstructed.
• I received a call from my mom who wanted to get some work related files from me.
• She told me to wait in the parking lot for her as she was just nearby. This was around 5:25pm
• While waiting for my parents to arrive, I decided to take my camera out and take some pictures of nearby buildings. I was on a roof top after all and I wanted to make the most out of the view.
• The guard on duty was looking at me taking pics, but made no comment.
• My parents finally arrived a little before 5:30pm. I stashed my camera at the back seat of my car, got out the files and gave them to my parents.
• After they left, I went down to the gym. After inquiring about the rates and amenities, I went back up again. My whole stay downstairs didn’t take more than 5 minutes.
• As I was entering the elevator, I noticed a suspicious looking guy looking at me in a strange way. (photo below)
• I went back up to get my gym bag, only to see that the rear passenger window of my car was smashed in and my backpack was gone along with my camera bag.
• I reported the incident to the guard on duty (name to follow. the notes are at home), and all he could do was stare at me blankly. I called him over to where my car was to show him the damage. He came over, took one look and went away because cars needed to exit the parking lot and he had to collect their parking tickets. It was around 5:35PM
• Already this struck me as infuriating, but I decided to stay calm. I tried calling the guard over again, only to repeat what happened: he’d look at the damage, but quickly walk away to let out the cars.
• I asked him to radio his officer because I felt I would not make any progress with this guy.
• The officer arrived, but he also didn’t know what to do. It was at this point that my parents and sister arrived.
• They too tried to talk to the security officers and explain to them the situation. We asked them why they didn’t proceed to check the trunks of the outgoing vehicles when the incident was reported. They kept insisting that their responsibilities in this post was to get the parking ticket stubs of the outgoing vehicles.
• We tried to explain to them (our voices were raised at this point) that it is part of their responsibilities to make sure that anyone exiting the premises would be scrutinized. To this, they only made excuses that the cars exiting the premises came from the other side of the lot and that there was no chance they could have stolen from me.
• After talking to a representative of MC Home Depot, we proceeded to the nearest precinct to file a police report.

Let me repeat the fact that I was parked no more than 20 meters away from the guard. And my window was equipped with tempered glass. It would need repeated bangings to break the window in. Either the guard was very oblivious that he wasn’t able to hear or see anything, or he was in on the whole operation.

More than the robbery itself, the incompetence of the security guards is what’s bothering us. Rather than make an attempt to help us, their primary concern was to make excuses. I can’t count the times when I heard the guard say “My instructions were to see to the outgoing vehicles.” It seems to him that the concept of securing the premises of the scene of the crime was just beyond his area of jurisdiction. We kept telling him that he should have inspected the trunks of the outgoing vehicles and all we got as a response was his blank expression.

We’re now in talks with the MC Home Depot management to see if something can be done about the lax security in the premises.

Here’s a list what I lost:

• My HP Pavillion Laptop
• My Canon Powershot G10
• My Nikon D40 DSLR
• My Metrobank Checkbook
• My Sun Broadband Wireless modem
  

Pics:

1) Pau is not a big fan of internet memes.
2) Pau can only count up to 2.
C) Pau has a crotchbeard.
D) Pau hates talking about himself in the third perso—-fuck!
E) Pau is wondering if you’re moving your lips as you’re reading this.
F) Pau is not using his hands as he’s typing this.
G) Pau once tried to kill the color blue.
H) He succeeded in killing a cockroach instead.
I) He colored the cockroach blue so he could get some closure.
J) Pau does not believe in gravity. Or in Joel.
K) Pau was devastated to learn that he wasn’t Dennis Quaid in a past life. Mostly because Dennis Quaid is still alive. But once he dies….
L) FACT: Pau is not allowed in ninja infested places.
M) FACT: Ninjas are more than welcome to attempt to enter Pau-infested places.
N) Pau is not wearing any panties today. Teehee.
O) Pau is going to sleep now. Later.
P) Pau once tried to wake up before 6AM. There were no survivors.
Q) Pau is lactose intolerant. He once punched a carton of milk so hard, it turned to butter.
S) Pau is totally on Christian Bale’s side on this whole DOP thing.
T) Favorite ballpen : Black
U) Least favorite ballpen: Green
V) Pau thinks that Salmon is probably the greatest thing in the history of things.
W) Happiness is what happens to other people.
X) Pau giggles whenever he hears the word “giggle.” Because he thinks it’s a command.
Y) Pau is probably not going to finish this lis—HEY!