Emerging from the Dark

Have you ever had the feeling of being hungry, but you don’t know what you want? Maybe you open the cupboard or the refrigerator and look at what’s on the shelves, hoping to see something and say, “That’s it, I’ll have that!” But, you don’t find anything you really want to eat.

That’s how I have been about writing this blog post. I am hungry to communicate with you and let you know what’s been going on, yet I hardly know where to begin. Each time over the last several weeks that I have started something, I end up deleting it with the judgment that it’s just too trite or pedestrian for you to bother reading.

As unusual as this feeling is for me, I think I know where it comes from. I feel a sense of being inwardly pushed to be more revealing and vulnerable with you than I usually am in writing. Somehow, what I want to say would be easier to communicate in person, in a group, much like we used to do in our seminars and trainings. Then we could look into and through the eyes of love and my authentic vulnerability charged the room with a kind of grace. Telling the whole truth about fears and feelings joined us through  the heart in our common humanity.

To set a little context for what I am about to share, let me say this up front. This year has been perhaps the most difficult year of our lives. Actually, it’s been going on for a couple of years.

Have you noticed that it is rare to hear teachers of higher consciousness, supposedly enlightened
individuals or modern wisdom givers, talk much about their current or very recent hard times? They
may talk about hard times at some distance in the past, after they have learned and integrated the
lessons and they’re back to being enlightened again. But, you don’t hear or read much from a closer
perspective when things are not yet so clear or when things are still in a state of unsettled chaos.

And that’swhat I want to write about now because that’s where we are. And we have been here
for longer than any previous period like this. I think that’s why it has been so difficult to get to
writing about this, because it is still so close and fresh for us.

So, life has been about acceptance of what’s happening in the moment to what has seemed like
an onslaught of one catastrophe after another, and before we can even catch our breath we find
another anvil falling from the sky! It’s been about being as present as possible to the feelings our
situation has brought up and using all the tools at our disposal for dealing with the ongoing stress
of uncertainty and the accompanying doubt and fear.

Our last posts back in July, August and September have been about my emergency open heart
surgery and early recovery period (http://bit.ly/open-heart-surgery). Thankfully, according to my
surgeon, my physical recovery proceeded ahead of schedule. Having had nothing to compare it to,
it still seemed to be taking entirely too long to suit me!

I was having to listen to my body much more than I was accustomed, causing me to confront my
habitual impatience and push to be productive and get on to the next thing. In the process of
confronting things about myself that had been pretty invisible to me (but not to Layne, of course!),
what emerged was an unexpected level of healing.

As my physical healing progressed and I could tell I was getting better, e.g., being off oxygen and
going for long walks. My stamina and strength was returning. But then I entered an unexpectedly
deep level of depression that caused me to question everything about my life, including why I had
survived in the first place.

Depression and thoughts that death would be a welcome relief startled me into the reality of my
depression and plunged me into deep self-reflection.  Yet, there was no sense in denying the truth
with positive thinking or affirmations. If I did not confront and accept the reality of my depression,
I ran the risk of driving it underground and making it worse through denial.

I noticed how the feelings would come and go, rising and falling in intensity, like large swells on the
ocean.  I became reclusive and did not respond to messages from friends for weeks as I burrowed
deeper into my dark silence.

Another thing that was happening, and still is, was a heightened emotionality. Since I have been on
a path of emotional healing for the last 35 years I have learned to know, respect and express my
feelings. But, this has been something of a different order. I can hear a song, watch scenes of love
and tenderness or violence in a movie or TV show and find myself crying or even sobbing deeply,
way out of proportion to the triggering stimulus.

And over the course of the last few months both Layne and I are aware of deep, personal inner
changes that we are still trying to make sense of. Things have changed, continue to change and so
are we. We have a sense that our work will be changing as a result of our experiences the last couple
of years.

Of all the spiritual studies in which we have engaged, the teaching that has always sustained us
through challenging times of chaos and uncertainty is A Course in Miracles, in particular the lessons
in the Workbook. A Course in Miracles is all about making the shift from ego identification to
identifying yourself as your Soul.

The ego is grounded in fear and is subject to all the conditions and circumstances I have been
talking about here. If we believe that is our reality, our only reality, then we are stuck in those
conditions.

When we can identify with our Soul, however, then a vast space of peace and calm can open up
for us. We believe what we have been going through (and so many others are also going through,
perhaps even you) has much less to do with processing the effects of our negative, limited ego
mind than it does with a Soul transition. I am certain beyond the shadow of a doubt that my
heart failure and three near death experiences (all on the same day) had to do with my Soul’s
influence over my life.

A Course in Miracles is a radical teaching that can be, and usually is, ego shattering. But, it also
can put you in direct contact with your own Soul or Higher Self. So, being forewarned, below are
the first dozen lessons that have been particularly apropos for us. Perhaps you will find them
helpful, as well.

For example, Lesson 1 says, “Nothing I see in this room (on this street, from this window,
in this place) means anything.”

Lesson 2 – “I have given everything I see in this room (on this street, from this window,
in this place) all the meaning it has for me.”

Lesson 3 – “I do not understand anything I see in this room (on this street, from this
window, in this place).”

Lesson 4 – “These thoughts do not mean anything. They are like the things I see in this
room (on this street, from this window, in this place).”

Lesson 5 – “I am never upset for the reason I think.”

Lesson 6 – “I am upset because I see something that is not there.”

Lesson 7 – “I see only the past.”

Lesson 8 – “My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.”

Lesson 9 – “I see nothing as it is now.”

Lesson 10 – “My thoughts do not mean anything.”

Lesson 11 – “My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world.”

Lesson 12 – “I am upset because I see a meaningless world.”

Lesson 13 – “A meaningless world engenders fear.”

Lesson 14 – “God did not make a meaningless world.”

A Course in Miracles also teaches that only Love is real and fear is an illusion. The one unchanging
constant through all of this has been and continues to be our love for each other. That is what has
always sustained us through any kind of trial or difficulty. That and the consciousness tools we
have learned and teach.

We will continue to share with you as these changes unfold. And, as always, we welcome your
comments and thoughts.

As this year draws to a close we are being presented with a wonderful opportunity. On January 1, 2012
we are catching a plane for Europe! We have been engaged by some clients to work with their entire
family of five in a six-day Private Intensive Retreat.
(http://paulandlayne.com/coaching-programs/exclusive-private-intensives)

We’ll be in Munich, Germany for about a week serving these courageous souls then we will fly to Turin,
Italy for a visit to the Federation of Damanhur, a conscious, eco-society and spiritual community that
has been in existence there for 30 years. (http://www.damanhur.org/)

In fact, Layne applied for and was accepted into a three month “temporary citizenship” program they
began last year. I will be with her for the first week or so to help her get settled, then I will return to
Santa Fe.

This is a HUGE change on many levels and portends wonderful new opportunities and
directions for our life. For one thing, we have never been apart for more than a week at a time
for the last 35 years! We don’t want to speculate too much right now about what those
opportunities and directions might be, but we will definitely keep you posted with more regular
blog posts, photos and possibly videos in the months ahead.

In the meantime, please know how much we appreciate you reading this and being a part of our
lives through this virtual connection. Your thoughts of love, healing and prayers are meaningful
to us beyond words.

We are wishing you and all those whom you love a most blessed holiday!

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Bee Love - Photo © Paul Cutright

I sat next to the bed of old man, a friend for over twenty years, and held his hand. Hal was dying. We both knew these next few days would be his last.

We spent time reminiscing about his long and fruitful career as a church pastor. We talked about old friends. We chatted about his family. And I listened as he offered sage wisdom and advice to a member of a “younger generation.”

At a lull in the conversation, Hal seemed to carefully consider what he was about to say next. Then he squeezed my hand, gazed intently into my eyes and whispered, just loud enough for me to hear, “Nothing is more important than relationships.” I knew that this was somehow near the pinnacle of his life’s learnings. As he considered all of his experiences — personal, professional, spiritual and family, this one ultimate observation surfaced above the rest: “Nothing is more important than relationships.”

“Don’t get overly caught up in your career,” he seemed to be saying to me. “Likewise, don’t use people in order to achieve your goals, then throw them away. No project, no program, no task should be pursued at the expense of friends and family. Remember,” I heard him saying, as clearly as if he were speaking the words, “that in the end, only your relationships will truly matter. Tend them well.”

Writer Og Mandino puts it this way: “Beginning today,” he said, “treat everyone you meet as if he or she were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”

At the end of a long life, my friend Hal would have agreed.

 Copyright  © Steve Goodier

On a random Saturday morning at Greenacres Shopping Centre in Port Elizabeth, South Africa, the international award-winning Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University Choir delights unsuspecting shoppers and passers-by with an impromptu practised routine which includes a number of popular songs. The flash mob is part of an awareness campaign to get students to apply to study at NMMU, one of South Africa’s leading tertiary education institutions.

We have certainly experienced a tremendous amount of love and support since Paul’s “heart episode” last month. Most of it has come in the form of e-mails, cards and phone calls. Some of it by local friends chaufferring Paul to various medical appointments.  And some of it even in the form of unexpected material assistance from tequila to checks! (The tequila was actually prescribed by Paul’s surgeon.)

Learning to ask for help has been a life-long process for both of us. We like to think we are better at it now, although there was not as much asking on our part recently as there was simply the spontaneous generosity of giving by people who love and care about us. We learned how much of a gift it can be to others to ALLOW them to give of themselves out of their own areas of abundance.

Below is a piece by Steve Goodier about giving and receiving help that seemed relevent. We hope you enjoy it.

Some people never need help. One man caught his foot in railroad tracks. He tried to pull it out, but his efforts only seemed to make matters worse.

He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. In a panic he prayed, “Dear God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I’ll stop my heavy drinking and smoking!”

Nothing happened. He was still stuck, and the train showed no sign of slowing.

So he prayed again, “Oh, Lord, please get my foot out and I’ll stop drinking and smoking and carousing and cussing!”

Still nothing. He tugged and pulled as the train bore down. In sheer desperation, he pled for help a final time. “Lord, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I’ll do anything! I’ll … I’ll … I’ll become a minister!

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he got up and dusted himself off as the train whizzed by. Then he looked toward Heaven and said, “Never, mind, Lord, I got it out myself.”

Some people seemingly never need help from anyone. They rarely call on friends or even family to lend a hand. They seldom, if ever, confide in a good listener. They seem to believe they should be completely self sufficient; that needing assistance is an unwelcome weakness.

But others find great value in occasionally asking for assistance, and in offering it, too. Needing help, even once in a while, reminds them that they were not meant to journey this life alone. It is a group outing, not a private experience.

Those who find help when they need it are fortunate. But those who give help generously are the most fortunate of all. Few experiences can produce a sense of joy and satisfaction like that of truly easing the burden of another human being, with no thought of return. Fact is… when we help someone else, we can hardly help but be happy. At those magical times we may wonder who really helped whom!

Copyright  © Steve Goodier

It has been five weeks today since my open heart surgery. I’m supposed to be walking 1.5 miles per day now to strengthen my heart and expand my lung capacity. We usually just walk around our neighborhood  in the cool of the early evening.  This morning Layne and I went up on the mountain for a walk in the woods, at about 8,000+ feet where I could definitely feel the increase in altitude from our normal 7,000 feet. My heart is healing and getting stronger.

One of the most remarkable and touching things about this experience has been the number of people from our past who have contacted us with their love and healing wishes. Many of them people who have been very important and instrumental in our lives that we have not been in touch with for more than 25 years. Yet, the felt presence of love in these communications was palpable and moving. What a gift!

The experience reminded us of the following anonymous piece of wisdom that we want to share with you.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Three weeks ago today, on June 29, Paul underwent emergency open heart surgery.

Here’s what happened . . .

On Saturday, June 25, at about 9am Paul walked into the bedroom from outside and started to feel dizzy. Layne was lazily sleeping beneath the covers and raised her head to say “Good morning,” just as he suddenly fell to the floor. His body went into rigid convulsions in which he was unable to breathe as he turned blue.

Layne jumped out of bed and rushed to hold him and then quickly gave him mouth to mouth resuscitation. When he started taking faint breaths she reached for the phone and dialed 911. The woman’s voice at the end of the line coached Layne to keep Paul breathing until the ambulance arrived. Even though Paul’s eyes were open, it was clear he was not conscious of what was happening.

Within about fifteen minutes the paramedics arrived and revived Paul enough to speak. He was consciously aware for the first time since feeling dizzy and was surprised to find himself lying on the floor and at the paramedics hovering over him.

They quickly got Paul onto a gurney and into the ambulance on the way to St. Vincent’s Hospital Emergency Room.

Layne was beside herself with worry as she called a friend, Robin, to see if he could meet her at the hospital. Thankfully, he answered the phone and rushed to meet Layne and Paul at the emergency room where he remained with them all day.

After a full day of rigorous diagnostic testing, the cause of Paul’s collapse was clarified; he was diagnosed with a heart condition called severe aortic stenosis. This is a condition that can spontaneously close off the oxygen supply to the brain and body.  This is what happened to Paul in the bedroom.

They were told that Paul required open heart surgery to replace his aortal valve as soon as possible. Though both Paul and Layne were relieved to know what had caused the crisis of the morning, they were both reeling from the emotional aftermath of the day and the news of his impending surgery.

The closest hospital that could do the procedure was the New Mexico Heart Hospital in Albuquerque, fifty miles away. Paul’s condition was not sufficiently stable for the doctors to chance the trip that night, so they moved him to another area in the hospital to monitor him while he rested before the next day’s transfer.

As an aside, Paul was a little surprised to learn from Layne and Robin that he was talking and joking with the doctors, nurses and hospital personnel during all this. For the most part though, his memory of the day’s events are spotty and incomplete at best, probably due to traumatic amnesia.

Layne got him situated in his new room. He was hooked up to several IVs and looked exhausted, yet calm in his hospital bed. Layne stroked his brow tenderly and then gave him a teary kiss on his cheek before she went home to get some rest and prepare for the day ahead.

Then, close to midnight that evening Layne was awakened by a call from a doctor at St. Vincent’s hospital. The doctor explained Paul had had two more episodes and had been transferred to the Intensive Care Unit and asked her to return to the hospital as soon as she could.

She threw on some clothes then practically flew to the hospital to meet the doctor who had called. The doctor’s expression was solemn. He explained what had happened to Paul and that he was currently sedated and hooked up to a breathing machine because he couldn’t breathe on his own. He also added that Paul needed to be “stabilized” before he could be transferred to the other hospital that would do the surgery required. She asked if she could see Paul.

“Yes”, he answered.

“Is it possible he might die?”, she asked.

“Yes”, he responded.

“Will I see him awake before the surgery?”

“We don’t know that yet.”

Layne steeled herself for the moment ahead when she would see her beloved husband hooked up to an assortment of life support systems. The doctor guided her by several rooms of the ICU to be with Paul. Each room had a single patient in various levels of distress. There were lots of tubes and monitors and beeping sounds and nurses moving silently about.

She arrived at Paul’s bed and moved quickly to the head of it. His color was ashen and his face glistened with a thin film of perspiration. He was sedated and had no idea she was there. The intubation apparatus that held the tube down in his lungs was taped securely around his mouth. The breathing machine made a soft sound in the background.

Though this entire day was a blur, she stood there stunned, yet determined to stay calm. It seemed impossible to believe that she might never see his brilliant blue eyes smiling out at her again. She kept dozens of thoughts and fears at bay while she did her best to be as “awake and present” as she could manage.

This was time for “soul talk.” She remained silent as she reached out with her heart energy to touch his. Yes, she could feel him there. After awhile it was time to go. The doctor had been watching and simply nodded respectfully. He said he would call her if there was anything new to report.

*****

Layne called the hospital first thing in the morning. His condition had improved and he was off the breathing machine. He would be moved to the Heart Hospital on Monday to meet his surgeon and prepare for surgery.

In the meantime, Paul and Layne’s longtime friend, Pamela, had flown over from Honolulu to be with and support them during this time and remained with them through this ordeal until Paul was released from the hospital.

As it turns out, Paul’s condition was congenital because he was born with a bicuspid valve with two flaps instead of the normal three. Over time this condition produced a smaller opening for his aorta to provide the necessary oxygen for his body and brain.

The four hour operation was successful. The usual recovery time in the hospital is five to seven days, but Paul’s recovery was going so well, he was released only four days later, on Sunday July 3.

His full recovery will take three to five months for all the parts to heal from such an invasive procedure. He’s taking a ton of new and mysterious meds that have to be monitored weekly for their effect on his blood to avoid clotting.

Paul’s prognosis is great. The doctors say after his recovery he should be feeling fifteen years younger. The affects of his unknown heart condition have been taking its toll on him for several years.

*****

So, though this shocking and unexpected crisis scared the daylights out of both of us and there are yet many challenges ahead to navigate, we are optimistic about the future.

Some well-meaning folks have asked questions or made comments about the “meaning” of this event and the “lessons” to be learned from it.

Who knows? For us, this is not a time for idle or superficial metaphysical speculation. What we do know is that we are in a state of deep love and profound connection with each other in a state of wonder, curiosity and gratitude, perhaps best expressed in some of our early lessons from A Course in Miracles.

For example:

Lesson 2 - I have given everything I see . . . all the meaning that it has for me. Paying attention to our minds and any automatic fearful interpretations that arise and realizing it is safe to not know as we let them go.

Lesson 25 – I do not know what anything is for. Allowing this truth to sink in as we release any need to control or figure anything out.

Right now our time horizon is very close. Our focus is on getting through each day at hand with as much love and appreciation as we can muster. There are many new things to pay attention to; Paul’s new medications, various doctor’s appointments and new ways of being in the world as Paul recovers. Paul has been directed by his surgeon to not work for the next few months.

Some friends have graciously offered to “do anything they can” to help. Since Paul is not supposed to drive for four to six weeks, mostly this has been driving Paul to his appointments, cooking meals, shopping, picking up new prescriptions from the pharmacy and reminding him to take it easy and to allow himself to relax into occasional feelings of helplessness. The deep fatigue has passed and he is taking a little time to be off of his oxygen. Everyday there is improvement.

There are some people we would especially like to thank for their loving attention above and beyond anything expected:

• Robin Rider for being there from day one in the emergency room and throughout  this crisis.
• Ardyth Brock for fielding the many phone calls and e-mails from people all over the world expressing their concern and for keeping them posted on Paul’s condition and progress and letting us know about the flood of love pouring in.
• Pamela and William Noyes for flying in all the way from Hawaii to lovingly support Layne through the ordeal of Paul’s hospitalization and surgery.
• Jim Kinney and Jennifer Peters for showing up to share their love in the emergency room.
• Daniel Quat and Dawn Hamilton for generously and graciously driving all the way across town several times to pick up and deliver Paul to various appointments.
• Andrew Hogan for driving down from Denver to stay in our guest house for the next several weeks to help Layne take care of Paul, running errands, shopping and delivering Paul to appointments.

We are beyond blessed to have been the recipients of the love, blessings and healing intentions of many thousands of people around the world. We feel it deeply and for that we continue to be truly grateful.

Most of our plans for the future have been put on hold for now.

More to come . . .