Utter frustration.

That’s what I feel right now.  It’s not all about my coffee being prepared wrong (though that isn’t helping at the moment), it’s not all about having a job where I don’t feel useful (though, that is also a pain in the ass), it’s not even about already starting to fall behind in school (though, again, painful).  It’s about the compilation of the whole lot and more.

Yesterday, I found out that for yet another month we weren’t going to be getting excited and ordering baby furniture and maternity clothes.  Yet another month feels wasted and it really hit me hard this time.  I guess for the past six months I’ve been able to dust off my shoulders and get back on the horse pretty quickly, but this month, despite the impediments that I knew were in the way, I got my hope up yet again and got dashed just as quickly.

My life doesn’t suck.  Far from it.  I have an amazing husband, a great family and ridiculously loyal and fantastic friends.  I have three pets that are happy to see me every time I walk in the door.  I have a house.  I have a car.  But it seems that lately the big things I want–career and baby–are just eluding me more than ever.

Last night I tried to drown my sorrows in stadium food at the Tigers game.  It didn’t work.  I nearly got sick to my stomach halfway through my nachos.  Seems even gluttony has its limits these days.  I tried drinking, but it didn’t really take.  I bought myself a new hat, but it didn’t help.  My ability to soothe myself was quickly going down the drainpipe of life.

But then something ordinary, yet extraordinary happened.  As Mr. CVD and Mr. RMB arrived, we started talking and laughing and I genuinely felt happy.  I wasn’t trying to distract myself.  I wasn’t plotting or scheming.  I wasn’t even trying to gorge myself on every piece of food or drink in sight.  I was simply in the moment…living like I should be.

I realize those moments are few and far between these days.  I find myself trying to be the architect of my destiny so often that I rarely find myself enjoying the life I’ve created for myself.  There are big gaping holes in my design and I’m trying to fill those, but that shouldn’t stop me from enjoying the parts that have come together.

For the first time in a long time last night I lived in the moment.  And it was everything I thought it could be. It doesn’t mean I’m still not upset.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a right to be.  But it means that I’m still able to move on.

And isn’t it the ability to laugh and move on that keeps us alive anyhow?

• The four day weekend (yes, I took Friday off as well) was glorious.  The Mister was a bit peeved because we didn’t get to go out on The Family Boat due to the cool/rainy weather, but I enjoyed having the weekend free from everything.  I read most of the weekend.
• I’m almost done with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  I have to say, I find Harry rather whiny at times.  I lived through my own angst-filled adolescence…I don’t know if I can handle living through his as well.
• On the way home from “Up North” yesterday, we passed the hotel I stayed at when I took the bar exam.  I spent much of the next half hour thinking about the state of my career and whether those two days were a waste.  In the end, I decided they weren’t a waste, but it definitely had me wondering.
• Because I had to get up early to get my blood drawn this morning, I ended up getting to work nearly an hour early.  I sat in the car for a few minutes, finishing my breakfast and then decided to just come in.  At least there’s a computer in here.
• The Mister and I played disc golf for the first time on Sunday.  It was interesting and reasonably fun.  I have to admit, though, my arm hurt the next day–it’s not used to all that Frisbee-throwing action.
• There is a bug climbing the wall behind my computer and I think I’m going to let it keep climbing (a.k.a “live”).  How kind of me.
• I had a dream last night that I was friends with Madonna and we went to this movie premier for some movie about her and wore the same Madonna t-shirt.  This is bizarre for many reasons: (a) Madonna doesn’t make friends easily and I doubt I’d be among the few she chooses; (b) I don’t go to movie premiers; (c) I don’t own a Madonna shirt.
• I’ve been slightly thinking (yes, that’s a term) about getting an e-reader.  The appeal for me is not having to hold heavy-ass books (Harry Potter, I’m looking at you) and also being able to download books at a moment’s notice.  But I really do love flipping pages and the smell of books.
• I wouldn’t complain if someone brought me a cup of coffee right now.

What’s on your mind today?  How was your holiday weekend?

• Since school is starting this week (read: tonight) and I’ve been trying to finish some pleasure reading (read: Harry Potter) before I get too immersed in school reading, I’m fresh out of post ideas this week.  Thus, you get some of my random thoughts.
• There was a commercial on last night where the store (Meijer) insinuated that children don’t like getting their school supplies.  Boy, was that NOT true for me.  I was that geek who was, well, geeked to get school supplies.  It was a true and pure joy.
• One of my classes this semester is a class about administrative law and politics and the textbook is a law school textbook.  I thought I had escaped those expensive things, but here they come again to hurt my pocketbook.
• Speaking of pocketbooks, I had to order a new wallet.  I love my Walletbe, but the one I received as a gift from Ms. TC many moons ago is starting to tear from over stretching it with change and receipts.  So I bought the exact same thing online to replace it.  I highly recommend the Walletbe…it’s so damn convenient.
• You know what I hate more than Facebook games?  Those generic status updates that are all “copy and paste if you agree/if you’re against cancer/if you don’t want the world to end.”  It’s the modern day chain letter threat.  I will NOT copy and paste your status.  Unless I damn well feel like it.  And in most cases, let me tell you, I don’t.
• My birthday is fast approaching, which means that I’m starting to get those birthday coupon e-mails.  I was a sucker for one yesterday.  I have a feeling it’s not the last one either.
• The Mister’s birthday is this weekend.  I need to shit or get off the pot in relation to his gift–I keep wavering between a few separate things.  I wish they were affordable enough to do all of them.

What’s on your mind today?

When I got sucked into reading the Twilight series, I did so with an open mind.  I’m usually not a big fan of vampires or werewolves or, really, any mutant population.  But I read them to see what the hype was all about.  And I’ll admit, they had me hooked while I was reading them.  Once I finished one book, I was off to buy the next one until there were no more books to buy.

But I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.  Sometimes when I’m in the midst of a story, I can’t pinpoint what’s irritating me.  Maybe that’s a good thing–if I knew, I may not finish the book.  So here I was, reading Twilight, thinking, “Gee, this Bella chick sounds really whiny and needy.”

In the past month, however, I’ve read another book series–The Hunger Games.  And instantly, I fell in love with the main character, Katniss.  She was fiercely independent and her chutzpa struck a chord with me.  By time the first book was over, I knew I’d be reading the next two.

I worry about young girls these days.  There are so many bad influences and so many influences disguising themselves as good when they’re really destructive.  I find Bella to be one of these destructive influences.  Her entire story is wrapped up in deciding which man she wants to be with.  She claims, somewhat weakly, that she finally feels “at home” as a vampire, but really…would she have done that if Edward weren’t one?

It seems to me that the reason I was irritated with Bella and the reason I love Katniss has a lot to do with feminism.  Bella is a weak character.  Sure, she went through a lot and survived, but she did so while clinging to a man each time.  In fact, her relationship with Edward could be seen as controlling and even a bit mentally abusive.  (And it’s not just me who thinks this.)  Meanwhile, Katniss, is learning to survive on her own, fighting for her family and leaving her romantic escapades the time they deserve.

I was thinking last night about the students Brother will soon be teaching.  He got his first job as a fifth grade teacher.  After lamenting that these kids will probably be on cell phones and already know what sex is, I started wondering what heroine they’d choose–would they choose Bella or Katniss?  Or better yet, would they chose themselves?  Or, instead, are they stuck in a world that is force-feeding them bad influences left and right?

I was lucky to have strong women in my life such that I didn’t need to look to books or television to find inspiration.  But what about those girls that don’t have that?  Will they be sucked into a world where they think some man will ultimately save the day, like Bella?  Or will they learn their own survival skills and experience life the way Katniss did?

I hope, for the future of our world, they choose Katniss before Bella.  But I really hope that they choose themselves.

Some mornings I get up and immediately know what I want to blog about.  Some mornings I get inspiration on the way to work.  But some mornings, like today, I find myself strung between a million thoughts that have nothing to do with one another, hoping one of them materializes into something useful.

So, I was going through this on-the-way-to-work brainstorming session when I realized that I have a big thing happening this week–school is starting back up.  The “kids” are moving back into the dorms.  Parents are saying goodbye and it’s another year of schooling for us.

And it’s been exactly one year since this post, which means it’s been a year since I decided to go back to school and get my Ph.D.  How time flies…

Last year at this time, I remember watching the people move into their dorms, kids buying books, people getting settled in classes and wanted that to be me again.  And a year ago I made a plan.  I was going to start working towards my Ph.D. one way or another.  A year later, I’m on my way.

Sometimes it weirds me out when I realize it’s been a year since certain things have happened.  It makes me feel old to appreciate the change a single year can give.  But at the same time, it makes me appreciate what I have in front of me:  a sense of direction, a purpose and a plan.

So yes, this week I start classes.  But it’s much more than that.  It’s the one year anniversary of me making a pretty important decision that led to a plan that led to action.  And that’s something to celebrate.

I can only wonder:  What will the next year bring?

Where were you a year ago?

• I attended a surprise birthday party for The Mister’s cousin this weekend.  I always wonder what the person is thinking at the moment of surprise.  Like did they know something was up?  Or was it totally unexpected?
• Classes start this week.  Well, one of them does anyhow.  One of them has already been canceled for this week.  Go figure.
• The Barenaked Ladies without Steven Page just doesn’t seem right.  And the thing is that I like their new songs, I just can’t bring myself to buy a Steven Page-less CD.
• I worked out with a trainer yesterday as you get a free session when you start at the gym.  I didn’t realize there were muscles right above my knees…but now they hurt like hell.
• Before last night’s Emmy telecast, I had no idea that HBO had a movie called Temple Grandin.
• Next weekend we’re going up north with The Family Boat.  I think I officially just passed into middle-age-dom with that statement.
• Speaking of The Family Boat, I had a minor meltdown yesterday on it.  The waves were getting to my stomach and we ended up going in early only to have The Mister accidentally hit a car in the parking lot and then not be able to find his insurance card or registration for the officer.  It was a real grand afternoon.
• If you haven’t seen The Last Exorcism, don’t bother.  It doesn’t make much sense and other than having the professor from Saved By The Bell: The College Years in it, it’s really not that entertaining.  Unless you’re surrounded by riled up people that shouldn’t be seeing a horror movie.  Then it can be interesting.

What’s on your mind today?

———–

Dear Body:

Thanks for putting up with all the crap I put you through.  To be honest, I would have quit me by now.  But you keep plugging along.  Thanks for the consistent loyalty.

Love,

Your Mind

———–

Dear Boss:

Why do you schedule meetings for 9 am. if you’re not going to be here at 9 am?  Seems like a bit of a waste.  Just schedule it for 9:30, when you usually get in.

Sincerely,

An Irritated Employee

—————–

Dear Mom and Dad:

Why wasn’t it a big deal to either of you that I signed up to do this 5k walk?  This is a BIG f’ing deal for me–someone who wouldn’t normally do this type of thing.  A little excitement would have been nice.

Love always,

Miffed Daughter

———–

Dear Airline Passenger:

I think you forgot something in your luggage…like a tiger.  Did you honestly think you’d get a tiger through security?  “Oh, what’s that, Marty?” “Oh, that’s nothing…last week we had a lion.”

Please learn to pack accordingly.

Sincerely,

A fellow air traveler

—————-

Now it’s your turn!  Get things off your chest.And you can check out other Open Letters Fridays here.

Anyhow, here are some tunes living in my head these days:

The first is Katy Perry’s suck-you-in-and-leave-you-dry hit, “Teenage Dream.”  I can’t embed the official video here (the previous link does link to it, though) so here’s at least a taste:

The second song is a bit of a throwback to one of my better years, 2003 (though this may have been a 2002 hit).  It’s “Dilemma” by Kelly Rowland and Nelly:

The last song is by Canadian rockers, Hockey and it’s called “Song Away.”  I’ve pretty much had this song stuck in my head for weeks. (Again the official video is non-embedable, so here’s a link and here’s a taste…)

What songs have been in your head lately?

• I believe that an Islamic cultural center at Ground Zero is a good idea…that we should promote tolerance because that’s what the terrorists would hate the most.
• I believe that sometimes a good workout is really what you need to reset your mind.
• I believe in the old adage that good fences make for good neighbors.
• I believe that one night, one way or another, I’ll get a really good restful sleep.  Until then…
• I believe that baseball really is America’s passtime.
• I believe that one of the many irritating tasks in Hell is to put away laundry.
• I believe in this article.
• I believe that one day, one way or another, I’ll be a mother.
• I believe my pets have made me smile more than any other one person on Earth.
• I believe that chapped lips are one of life’s great annoyances.

What do you believe?

You can check out the other parts of the “I Believe” series here:  Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six , Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten,  Part Eleven , Part Twelve, Part Thirteen–The Political Edition,  Part Fourteen, and Part Fifteen.

• The Mister was ever so kind last night.  He went out at midnight and got me my copy of Mockingjay.  He pretended like he wasn’t going to before I fell asleep and then the next thing I know he’s handing it to me as I’m half-asleep.  I can’t wait to start reading it.  Happy Mockingjay Day, everyone!
• Long story short, I had to reapply for The Job.  They ended up having to repost it due to an error in the original posting.  I was hoping by now, I’d know whether I had an interview or not.  Guess I’ll just have to do my favorite thing…wait.
• Thank you all so very much for your support on my TTC Part II post.  It really means the world to me.  Things are just so tough.  I know they’ll get better…it’s just a matter of when.
• My lips have been ridiculously chapped lately.  The only thing I can think of that’s changed is the fertility meds.  So I’ll blame them for this irritation.
• I’m kind of upset that I have a meeting this morning.  I hate it when work gets in the way of my normal time to read.
• I find Lord Voldemort’s tweets irresistibly hilarious.  Lately most of them have had to do with bashing Twihards, which makes me smile.
• I find it wrong that McDonald’s now makes smoothies and frappachinos.  Shouldn’t they stick to burgers and fries?
• I’ve been toying with the idea of getting an iPhone.  I’m a fan of my Blackberry because there are actual buttons to push, but at the same time there’s so much more you can do (I feel) with an iPhone.
• Classes start back up next week.  I never thought I’d want more down time given my job situation, but I could use another week.  I have so much pleasure-reading I want to do between now and then.
• I stopped to buy some new shoes for the gym last night and realized that I’ve now become very picky when it comes to gym shoes.  I tried on like eight pairs before I found one that felt good.  I think my last pair of shoes (which I believe Nike discontinued, thankyouverymuch) spoiled me.

What’s on your mind today?