Relapse, verb -

1. to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc.: to relapse into silence.
2. to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery.
3. to fall back into vice, wrongdoing, or error; backslide: to relapse into heresy.

A common view of relapses is that the start of the relapse is when you fall back into your former state of being.

For example, for an alcoholic, his relapse starts when he takes his first sip after a period of sobriety. For someone diagnosed with clinical depression, his relapse starts with the onset of his depression. For a smoker, his relapse starts when he takes his first puff (after a long break). For an emotional eater, his relapse begins when he has a binge attack after a period of healthy eating.

This view is good in that it helps you to categorize the periods when you are “down” and the periods when you are “clean”. It helps you to work toward the goal of becoming “clean” – clean of the addiction, clean of the bad habit, or clean of the bad practice. This is the objective of rehabilitation clinics – to help you be clean and stay clean.

However, the problem with this view is that it only looks at the physical occurrence of the relapse without considering the big picture. The reality is that the point when one falls back into one’s old behavior isn’t the start of the relapse – it is actually the end of the relapse. The issues that contribute to the negative behavior have probably been present for a while before the relapse manifested itself. It’s just that they were hidden below the surface, and hence not observable.

Understanding How Relapses Occur

Let me do a breakdown of a relapse process so you know what I mean. I’ll use the example of drinking, though this applies to any other “relapse”-type situations, like emotional eating, junk food eating, smoking, depression, slipping into bad habits, losing grip of good habits (say exercising, healthy eating, waking early, consistent studying), bad temper, overwhelm from stress, and so on.

Jane has a drinking problem. She is not an alcoholic, but she drinks a lot, sometimes uncontrollably. She knows that drinking is not good for her and she wants to stop drinking permanently.

So she starts turning to healthier beverages, such as water, real fruit juices and green juices. She removes all alcoholic drinks from her house. She stops going to parties where there are people drinking, so she will not be tempted. She stocks her home with fresh natural fruits so she can blend her own drinks. She switches over to this new, healthy  habit with relative ease.

Occasionally she thinks about drinking. This ranges from a fleeting thought to an overwhelming urge. But since there are no drinks in her home, she has nothing to drink even when she wants to. She either suppresses the urge or forces herself to go to sleep. This continues for the next few weeks.

After 1 month of sobriety, she is invited to a party one day. She thought: “I’ve been doing so well in the past month. I should be alright in this party.” As it turns out, she decides to have a sip of wine while she is there, so that she does not stick out like a sore thumb. A sip turns to a glass, which turns to 2 glasses, then 3 glasses, then 4 and 5. She gets back to drinking after that, since she has already ruined her sobriety. This goes on for a short while before she tries to be sober again.

Here, it looks like the relapse happened during the party. However, the relapse happened way before that – probably some time before the first thoughts of drinking surfaced in her mind.

Even though Jane technically did not drink during those moments, the surfacing of those thoughts suggested she was losing control of the situation. However, she did not do anything about those thoughts – instead ignoring the signs and occupying herself with other things. In the end, the issue became compounded and she ended her sobriety. It looked like the “relapse” could have been easily avoided if she did not attend her party, but the slip was already a long time coming. Attending the party was merely the final straw.

By the time she had her first sip, the situation was already too far gone for her to do anything about it. The mental floodgates were wide open and the water was gushing everywhere. All she could do was merely ride on the waves and act out her urges.

This brings to mind this Chinese fable I read when I was young. Two groups of animals were doing a tug-of-war and it was a tie between them. The rat joined Team A which tipped the scales in the team’s favor and they ended up winning. When the rat tried to claim credit for the victory, the other animals corrected him by saying it was a team work effort. He wasn’t the sole reason for the victory. If he was the only lone member in Team A doing the tug-of-war with Team B, he would never have won.

The point at which Jane could have remedied the situation would be right at the beginning, when the thoughts first surfaced. Why were the thoughts of drinking surfacing in her mind? What did they represent? Did she do something that triggered those thoughts? What could she do about that? These are questions she should have reflected on right there and then.

In doing so, she would have nipped the problem in the bud and prevented herself from a crazy blood bath later on. If the thoughts were to resurface again later on, it was merely a sign of an impending relapse and there was more steps to be taken to properly recover. Her thoughts would serve as a helpful indicator to prevent the actual, physical relapse – rather than waiting until it was too late to fix the situation.

Example: Emotional Eating

Let me use another example, which is my emotional eating. I have written extensively about my emotional eating issues in How To Overcome Emotional Eating (6-part series), which I recommend you to read if you have difficulty sticking to healthy eating patterns.

Looking back at my emotional eating episodes, they could be described as sudden frenzies of uncontrollable eating, usually of junk food, that taint my healthy eating endeavors. They usually occurred at night and would last for the next couple of days until I got a hold of myself and “restarted” my eating by starting anew the next day. Before these bingeing episodes though, I would usually be eating perfectly healthy meals with no problem at all.

If I were to look at the bingeing episodes as the issue, I would lock all the food in cabinets every night – and perhaps even sleep early every day so I wouldn’t run the risk of bingeing at night. However, this would not have solved anything because firstly, I could not possibly lock away all the food in my household – there was too much food. Secondly, logic gets thrown out of the window during my frenzy EE moments. If I did lock the food in cabinets, I could easily unlock them. Even if not, I could easily walk to a 24-hour store and buy food, usually the worse kinds, to eat.

Clearly, the bingeing episodes were not the issue as much as they were only a reflection of an underlying issue.

In My Journey with Emotional Eating, Part 1: Food as a Symbol of Love, I shared that a big part of my emotional eating was the result of seeing food as a symbol of love. Hence, whenever I binge ate, it was because I lacked love (self-love). It was not specifically the point when I binge ate that this happened though – It was the compounded effect of forcing myself to do things, depriving myself, being harsh on myself, and neglecting my needs throughout the day(s) that eventually led me to “slip” and binge eat at night.

The “relapse”, the bingeing, was in the making long before the first uncontrollable bite occurred. That first bite merely represented the point at which my conscious self was no longer able to hold things together anymore – during which the problem then spilled over to reality.

By recognizing this, I was able to identify the points at which the real relapse for my emotional eating began – which would be the times when I neglected my needs and made myself do things I didn’t want to. By working on that, I was then able to address my emotional eating issue.

How To Prevent a Relapse: Recognize When It Really Begins

Most people with addiction problems check into rehabilitation clinics when their addictions resurface. However, that’s when the problem is too far gone. They should be looking for help long before that.

When you only wait until your relapse occurs before you fix the issue, that’s way too late. Not only do you have to fix the problem, you have to deal with the sticky aftermath of the situation, and the disappointment of having a relapse. Secondly, you have to chase the problem at its tail, rather than getting a leg up on the issue. Last but not least, you don’t deal with the root of the issue, but rather, its effect.

Trace Your Relapses

Think about a bad habit or practice you have which you have been trying to remove.

Now, consider the following questions:

1. When’s the last time you did that?
2. Tracing back, when do you think the relapse really started?
3. What can you do to prevent this bad habit or practice from occurring in the future?

Related Posts:

• [Manifesto] The Guide To Healthier Gums and Teeth
• How To Attain Healthier Gums and Teeth: Path To Better Oral Hygiene
• Cultivate Life Transforming Habits in 21 Days
• Thin You, “Meet” Not-Thin You
• [Manifesto] 12 Indicative Signs of Emotional Eating

Have you ever provided suggestions which were subsequently ignored?

Have you ever provided critiques which were not well received?

Have you ever wanted to provide constructive feedback on something, but held back from doing so because you did not know how to convey your intentions across?

Today’s guide is on how to give constructive criticism to someone. Whether at work or in relationships, sharing (and receiving) feedback is part and parcel of improvement. If you have ideas on how someone can improve, don’t hold your ideas back – rather, share them in a constructive manner. (Provided the subject is something the person has asked to receive feedback on. Otherwise, you are merely imposing your judgment on others.)

1. Use the Feedback Sandwich method

The feedback sandwich method is a popular method of giving feedback. It is often used in Toastmasters and in the corporate environment.

The way it works is this – your feedback process is broken down into 3 segments. You start off by giving praise – talking about what you like about the item in question. Then, you provide the criticism – things you didn’t like. Lastly, you round off the feedback with (a) a reiteration of the positive comments you gave at the beginning and (b) the positive results that can be expected if the criticism is acted upon.

The analogy with a sandwich is made because you wedge your criticism between an opening and an ending – like a patty is wedged between two buns.

The sandwich method is effective because by starting off with the positive comments, you let the receiver know that you are on his/her side and you are not there to attack him/her. It also recognizes the things that the receiver is doing right, rather than talking only about the improvement areas, which can come across as being insensitive and rude – especially if there is no established rapport between both of you to begin with. The receiver then becomes more receptive to your critique.

After sharing about the things you didn’t like or things you felt can be improved, you want to round off the feedback with more positives, because it helps to leave the receiver at a high note, rather than leave him/her dangling with a sour taste in his/her mouth. It also reminds the receiver of what he/she is doing right and reinforces the payoffs of acting upon the criticism.

The sandwich method is most appropriate when it comes to (a) giving criticism to people you don’t know or don’t know well (b) critiquing something to someone who does not know your opinions on the subject. Over time though, after you have established a strong rapport with the person and the person knows your stance on the topic, you can jump straight to the critique itself.

2. Focus on the situation, not the person

When critiquing, focus on the situation on hand, not the person.

Example #1: Giving feedback on a person’s dressing style

• Bad example: “You’re too old-fashioned. You are always wearing granny clothes that makes you look so old and boring.” - While probably said with good intentions, this feedback is not exactly constructive. It makes a personal attack and makes it seem like he/she is the problem.
• Good example: ’From my recollection, the clothes I’ve seen you wear before tend to be dull in colors and dated relative to current trends. While there is nothing wrong with that, it makes one come across as older in age and disinterested in one’s personal image.” - The situation is detached from the person. Critique is given on the situation itself.

Example #2: Giving feedback on a person’s character trait

• Bad example: “You’re always so negative. It’s so draining to be around you.” - Like Example #1, this feedback makes a personal attack at the person. It also does not tell the person what he/she can do, which makes it unconstructive.
• Good feedback: “There have been times when I was hurt by the comments you gave as they were somewhat demeaning. For example, the last time I bought my new bag, one of the comments you gave was that it was an ugly bag. That took me by surprise and I was quite sad that day.” - While it’s tricky to give constructive criticism when it comes to someone’s personality, it is successfully accomplished here by separating the person’s actions (that makes him/her negative) from the person him/herself. This then makes it easy to critique the behavior without offending the person in question.

Here are some simple steps to apply this tip:

1. Firstly, detach the situation from the person. This distinction is crucial. Take the person out of the equation and focus on the behavior / action / situation / issue at hand.
2. Comment on the issue, not the person. For example, “The clothes are dirty” and not “You are dirty”. “The report is late” and not “You are late”. “The food is oily” and not “You are a bad cook”.
3. Don’t make personal attacks. Comments like “I’m so sick and tired of…” or “You’re so stupid / negative / lazy / unorganized / <insert negative adjective>” come across as accusatory.  Stay away from attacks.
4. Don’t use active voice; use passive voice. Example of active voice vs. passive voice: “You gave a bad presentation.” vs. “The presentation you gave was bad.” Notice that the passive voice shifts the attention away from the person and brings it to the subject matter.
5. Share how it affects you. Rather than go on and on about how bad the thing is, share how it affects you. This shifts the focus away from the person and onto yourself, which lets the person take a step back to evaluate the situation. It also gives him/her insight to where you are coming from.

3. Be specific with your feedback

I receive a lot of feedback in the course of running PE. I found that the more specific the person is when giving the feedback, the more actionable it is for me.

For example, here is an example of a vague feedback vs. a specific feedback (based on real feedback):

• Vague: “Hey Celes, I’d love it if you can write some articles on communication.”
• Specific: ”Hey Celes, don’t know if you’re taking suggestions but, if ever, I’d love some advice on public speaking.”

The first feedback is very broad – “communication” is a very general topic. To attempt to write an article on “communication” will result in a generic article with diffused tips, which will ultimately provide very weak value. It’s more feasible to write a sub-topic under “communication”, like “networking”, “body language”, or “public speaking”. However, there are so many sub-topics that picking one is a task in itself. While I can research on some good communication topics and narrow down the list from there, the topics I eventually choose may not be what the reader really wants to read.

With the second feedback, it is  more actionable because it is so specific. It tells me right away that “Hey, there’s a request for public speaking articles”, after which I can then plan for an article or series on public speaking. (Which I do intend to write about in the near future.) There is no confusion or second-guessing.

Here is another set of vague vs. specific feedback (hypothetical):

• Vague: “Good effort on the report but I didn’t like it. I think there is room for it to be better.” - Not very helpful. “Like” and “dislike” are subjective words. Unless objective criteria is used, it’s hard for the person to decipher what is the problem.
• Specific: “Good effort but there are some things which can be improved – namely, (a) the formatting (b) the final recommendations. The formatting is not standardized – there are some parts that uses Arial font and other parts that uses Times New Roman font. In a formal report, it is best to have a standardized font. For the final recommendations, the ideas are good but they are too brief, especially ideas #1 and #3. The management would need more data to make their assessment.” - Great feedback that is specific. It tells the receiver the 2 key problem areas, why they are problem areas, and specific examples where they appear.

How to make your feedback specific (and actionable):

1. Objectivity over subjectivity. Just saying “I don’t like it” is not helpful. On the other hand, stating the specific things you do not like, is helpful.
2. Break your feedback down into key points. Don’t give your feedback as one big lump. Break it down into various key points, then give your feedback point by point.
3. Give specific examples of each point. What are the exact situations or examples where the person exhibits the behaviors you highlighted in #2? Point them out. There is no need to highlight every single example – just pointing out 1-2 key examples per point will be sufficient. The intention here is to (a) bring the person’s awareness to things which he/she may be oblivious about (b) illustrate what you mean.

5. Give recommendations on how to improve

When all is said and done, it helps to give recommendations on what the person can do to improve.

Firstly, your recommendations will tie up your critique in a nice bow. Everyone has varying perspectives, which means every critique can be interpreted in different ways. Giving your recommendations will give the person a clear idea of what you have in mind. Secondly, giving recommendations provide a strong call-to-action. You want the person to take action on what you have shared, rather than procrastinate.

When giving recommendations, it helps (a) to be specific about the recommendations and (b) to briefly explain the rationale behind the recommendation.

• Weak recommendation: “The presentation is too long. Make it shorter.” - Not very helpful. Reducing the presentation time can be done via many ways – cutting out the points (which then compromises on the message), removing examples, talking faster, and so on.
• Good recommendation: “Instead of 2-3 examples per point which detracts from the main message, limit 1 example to each point. This way, the presentation is more succinct and impactful. Doing this, the presentation length will easily be reduced from 30 minutes to 20 minutes.” - Great recommendation that is specific. Rationale is also provided which explains your point of view to the person.

6. Don’t make assumptions

Last but not least, when you provide criticism, do so within the domain of what you know (as fact) about the person and the subject in question. There’s no need to apply any assumptions. Not only does it make the person look bad, it also makes you look bad – especially when your assumption turns out to be wrong.

Below are examples to highlight the difference between giving  criticism and making an assumption:

Final Note

Be sure to check out the following related articles:

• 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People | Manifesto version
• 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life | Manifesto version
• Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program - Day 17: Get Feedback from Others
• Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program - Day 18: Reflect on a Criticism

Image: Color Pencil, Sticks in Hand, Magnifying Glass, Flower in Hand

Related Posts:

• [Manifesto] How To Deal With Critical People
• [Manifesto] How To Nay-say the Naysayers
• 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life
• 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People
• [Manifesto] How To Deal With Energy Vampires

Are you trying to find love? Are you looking for the special someone to fall onto your lap? Are you looking for someone to “sweep you off your feet”?

In today’s world, the notion of love has been very much romanticized, in part due to the media. Look at the number of ballads that flood the radio waves today. Every film and TV series always has some kind of romance story weaved into it as a hook, so as to keep viewers watching. Unrequited love and forbidden love stories are always big hits among the audience. There’s even a film genre specially catered for romance buffs - Rom-coms (otherwise known as Romantic comedy films), that highlights the typical story of how a girl meets a boy, falls in love, and overcomes difficulties to eventually be together.

Even good old fairy tales speak of love in a heavily dramatized fashion. We have the typical story of the princess and the prince who fall in love right away at first glance despite not knowing anything about each other, then get married a week later at a grand ball in the presence of the entire kingdom. We have the story of the princess who falls into an eternal slumber from a dark spell, only to wake up from true love’s first kiss (Sleeping Beauty). We have the story of the frog that transforms into a handsome prince upon receiving a kiss from his princess (The Frog Prince).

And then we have modern stories that continue to perpetuate such heavily dramatized tales of romance. There’s Twilight that speaks of love so grand that it trivializes the meaning of life and becomes the only thing which one should live for. There’s The Vampire Diaries, a supernatural drama on The CW that focuses on a love triangle between the female lead and 2 vampire brothers of over 160 years old. And who can forget Titantic, the 1997 epic romantic disaster film that took half the world by storm when it was released.

No wonder everyone in our society today is constantly obsessing about finding love and holding skewed expectations on what a relationship should be. Dating businesses have blossomed over the years. Online dating, dating services, and matchmaking agencies are increasingly prevalent. There are even PUA (pickup artist) communities created just to strategize how to meet, attract, and seduce women (and sometimes men).

Fear-Based Love vs. Authentic Love

I believe in love. I believe in love that’s grand, that’s unconditional, that’s selfless, that’s transcendental, that’s magnificent. I believe love can make someone a better person than who he/she is capable of becoming by him/herself. I believe that love is one of the best things one can experience in life. I also believe that love is the greatest force of humankind.

However, a lot of “love” we see today is prideful love that is based on fear, and not real love. This includes the love often depicted in the media, as well as the relationships that people get whirled into. Clear-cut examples are relationships that become physically abusive. Not-so-clear-cut examples are emotionally abusive relationships. Relationships where people try to be someone they are not just so their partners will love them. Dating situations where people engage in manipulative actions just to make the other party interested in them, rather than focusing on higher level connection factors.  Relationships that people get into, despite not really liking the other party, so that they won’t end up being alone.

Read: Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship | Manifesto version

While there are cases where fear-based relationships blossom into real relationships based on love, fear-based motivations aren’t exactly the best reasons to get into a relationship. A lot of time, these relationships only serve as patches to the issues people are going through. Rather than work through their issues, they turn to their relationships as the holy grail that will solve everything. And they become surprised when they find out that’s not the case at all; when their relationships turn out to be a different deal from what they had imagined them to be.

Examples of Fear-Based Motivations for a Relationship

What are examples of fear-based motivations for “love” then? When someone looks for a relationship because he/she…

• …feels empty
• …feels lonely
• …is afraid to be alone / does not want to be alone
• …is afraid he/she is never able to find someone for him/herself
• …wants to conform to the society’s expectations
• …wants to conform to his/her parents’ expectations
• …feels unhappy / miserable
• …feels unloved
• …wants to be loved… by someone
• …wants to feel worthy
• …wants to be protected
• …wants to be complete
• …wants to have a partner he/she can “show off” to his/her friends
• …just wants to be with someone (for the sake of being with someone / being in a relationship)

Unfortunately, the list above probably describes about 99.9% of people who are out there trying to find love today.

Why It Is Bad When You Seek a Relationship Out of Fear

Why is it bad when you seek out a relationship with fear-based intentions?

Firstly, when you seek out a relationship with fear-based intentions, that’s the exact vibe you send out to the universe – fear. You end up attracting fear-based people and ultimately, a fear-based relationship.

What are some examples of fear-based people? People who are unhappy with themselves. People who are insecure with who they are and seek relationships as a way to secure their worth. People with a lot of unprocessed emotional issues. People who manipulate. People who do things behind your back. People who worry about nothing all day long. People who do not treat you with the kind of respect you deserve.

You wonder why you are not meeting someone desirable, and the real reason is because you have been approaching the relationship area of your life with the wrong intentions – thereby missing the whole point of being with someone altogether.

Secondly, when you seek out a relationship out of fear, you carry your fears into the relationship. Not only do your original problems not get resolved, they surface as other problems during the course of a relationship.

I knew someone who had low esteem issues and he turned to relationships as his way of coping with feelings of loneliness. He thought being with someone was the answer to the problem. Not only did his relationships not solve his loneliness issues (which stemmed from lack of self-worth), he turned into a very clingy partner each time. He frequently got into arguments with each relationship partner over his insecurity of the person’s for him, even though his partner never did anything for him to be insecure about. As you can see, he sought out relationships to address his self-esteem issues and he still ended up feeling insecure even when he was with someone.

There are often people who end up in relationships with the same issues over and over (abusive partners, partners who don’t treat them with respect, emotionally unavailable partners, partners who are too needy, etc) and it’s the same reason, actually – these people have (a) unresolved emotional issues (b) turned to relationships as a way to fix those issues, which caused the problem to repeat over and over again. When these people break up with their partners and move on to another relationship, they aren’t moving on in reality  - they are merely carrying over their issues from one relationship to the next. It’s like a never-ending cycle. They may think that there’s something wrong  with the people they got together with, but it is really more to do with them than anyone else.

(Read How To Break Out Of Recurring Patterns In Life, exclusive article in Personal Excellence Book Volume 2.)

Thirdly, when you seek out a relationship out of fear, you impose a lot of expectations on your partner and the relationship – which have nothing to do with your partner nor the relationship at all.

The thing is, your partner is a real person whom you should be creating the relationship with, not some placeholder you just slot into your life to replace the missing gaps and fulfill everything you’ve ever wanted. In the end, you become majorly disappointed when things don’t progress the way you want. You may even drive away perfectly good potential relationship partners because of your fears and insecurities.

“Finding” Love: 8 Gentle Pointers For Those Seeking Love

What that means is if you want to attract the right kind of people and the healthy kind of relationships, you want to be approach “love” for right reasons, and not for fear-based ones. Here is a list of 8 important things to note when it comes to finding love in life. If you are seeking love, pay special attention to them.

1. Be motivated by love, not fear.

Firstly, you should enter a relationship based on love, and not fear.

Fear-based reasons are any of the factors I mentioned earlier in the article, like wanting a relationship out of emptiness, unhappiness, loneliness, peer pressure, societal pressure, and so on.

A love-based reason would be because you have genuine interest in the other party, you see areas of compatibility between both of you and you want to build a relationship with him/her and see where it leads to. That’s really what relationships should be all about to begin with – something you actively create with someone you love and respect – and not because you want to fix something in your life.

2. Set the intention to attract love, but don’t treat it as a goal.

Sure, many of us probably had intentions to be married or to have X kids by a certain age when we were young. And it’s good to set such intentions, because it’s part of being clear of what you want in life.

However, love isn’t a goal to be achieved. It’s the result of being the right person and meeting the right person. You don’t go out there and say “Okay, I want to get married by the time I’m 28, so I’m going to have to get out there and start dating when I’m 25. This will give me about 1 year to date different people, 1 year to get to know my partner and determine if he/she is the right person for me, and than 1 year of engagement before I finally get married.”. Some of you are probably laughing because it is probably a thought you had before. You aren’t alone; this was something my friends often talked about when we were younger. Sure you can and should do things that put you in the position to receive love when it comes along, but other than setting intentions, doing things that open yourself up to meeting different people and not shutting out opportunities, you can’t force love to happen as and when you want it.

I used to think of love as a goal to be achieved one day (i.e. it was something I put on my bucket list even), but I stopped doing that since a year ago. I know that I sometimes speak of setting relationship goals on PE, and that’s part of setting intentions on what you want in life. You can go out and meet as many people as you can, but if you don’t meet anyone compatible, then there’s just no one compatible (yet). You can’t try to bake something if the ingredients aren’t right to begin with. You also don’t want to put your life on hold and revolve it around trying to find the elusive special someone. (see point #4)

The same goes for any other goal that involves people (be it in friendships, family, work or businesses). You can go out there and meet a lot of new people, but you can’t force people to be your friends – they can only be your friends if they want to. You can shower your family members with love and treat them with patience and respect, but you can’t force them to respond in kindness if they don’t want to. You can ask your colleagues to help you out in your work, but if they don’t want to – they don’t want to.

3. Be yourself. Don’t change yourself to get people to like you.

Be yourself – Don’t change yourself just to attract someone else. There are billions of people in this world and everyone is looking for different things in his/her partner. For one thing that someone doesn’t like about you, someone else is going to like that.

And even if you do attract someone after changing yourself, you will be left second guessing yourself, because, hey – Who did that person fall in love with? You? Or your projected persona? Also, it will be a never ending cycle where you either have to keep maintaining that projected persona, or you keep trying to change yourself just to preserve the attraction. You will be left feeling empty and extremely unhappy.

Hence, it is more important that you focus on being yourself (or discovering yourself for some of us), rather than try to mold yourself into someone else just to attract love. When you do that, you will automatically attract the person who will like you for who you are and filter out the people who are incompatible with you. What’s more, there is nothing more attractive than someone who knows him/herself and someone who is self-confident (not arrogant).

Read:

• Finding Your Inner Self
• 101 Important Questions To Ask Yourself in Life
• How To Be The Most Confident Person In The World | Manifesto version

4. Live your life. Don’t put it on hold for someone/something else.

This is the same as my #3 step on how to become complete by yourself. Live your life. To the fullest.

This means you should not put your life on hold for someone or something else. You should not put your goals on pause in your quest to find love or make love happen. You should not change your goals to entertain the possibility of being together with someone. You should not modify your agenda in life for someone else when there is no commitment between both of you to begin with.

What you should do, is to simply live your life, to the fullest. When you do that, the right love for you will come your way. You want to attract love that is compatible with the real you (see #3) and your ideal life, not love that requires you to stifle your true self and compromise on your dreams.

Read: 101 Ways To Live Your Life To The Fullest

5. Realize that love is everywhere.

If you feel an intense need to “get out there and look for love”, and if you experience moments of sadness when you can’t seem to find a romantic partner, ask yourself: “What is it that I’m looking for?“. Is it really love? Or is it something else, such as self-assurance, self-love, or self-worth?

Because love, real love, is everywhere. You see parents loving their children. You see friends sharing their love for each other. At work, you have colleagues looking out for each other – another form of love. Around you are different people conveying their love for you in their own special ways. And last but not least, you yourself are a beacon of love. Your higher self loves you, and so do your spirit guides.

If you are driven by the incessant need to look for love or to have someone in your life, perhaps you are really trying to compensate for the lack of self-love. What you should do then is to work on loving yourself, rather than looking outwards for someone to love you. This is what I alluded to in my recent Ask Celes video: “How can I address feelings of emptiness in my life?”. As the quote by Ayn Rand goes, “To say ‘I love you’ one must first be able to say the ‘I’.”.

For those with Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program, Day 16 is about self-love, where you identify at least 30 things you love about yourself and write a letter of appreciation to yourself.

6. You are complete.

You are whole; you are complete. As I shared before in Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?, you don’t need a relationship to complete you, because you already are complete. All of us are. The only reason why one wouldn’t think so is because of all the projections by the society and the media that one must be in a relationship to complete him/herself.

You don’t get into a relationship to complete you; you get into a relationship because you truly like someone and you want to spend more time together (like I mentioned in point #1). The former is a fear-based reason that is no sooner a recipe for disaster when you project all kinds of expectations onto the relationship on how it should be and become disappointed when things don’t turn out the way you want them to.

Read: Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?

7. See people for who they are vs. judging them.

When you meet someone, do you immediately start to evaluate the person and think about the things which you like and don’t like about him/her?

I think many of us do, at one point or another. Some of us probably even go one step further and measure the person against a mental checklist of whether he/she is fit to be a partner. When we do that, we are not being very fair to the other party, because we begin to pigeonhole the person into certain categories rather than see him/her for who he/she really is.

There are many people who have great personalities that may not be revealed when we first meet them. These people may very well be the ones who are truly compatible with us in the long haul.

So, be less judgmental and more accepting. See the goodness in each person. Who knows, perhaps you may well find love in someone who came across as the least possible candidate when you first met him/her!

8. Adopt a nurturing view vs. terminal view.

Last but not least, for every connection that you have (be it with friends, acquaintances, or colleagues), adopt a nurturing view rather than a terminal view.

This means, rather than sign off your connections because you don’t think anything will ever come out of them, keep an open mind. Get out there and meet new people. Keep in touch with the people whom you found a connection with. Make an effort to meet up with them where you can – and that’s out of a sincere desire to connect and know them better, not to see if there is any romantic potential. You never know what’s going to happen in the future.

Final Note

Know anyone who is currently seeking love? Send this guide to him/her – he/she may well find it useful in his/her ‘quest’ to find love.

Please share this guide on your Facebook and Twitter as well via the social media buttons below. Thank you – I really appreciate it!

Images: Love Seeds, Stepping into Water, Hand holding Heart, Happy girl, Mother and daughter, Smiling Girl

Related Posts:

• Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?
• [Manifesto] 10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship
• [Manifesto] 10 Surefire Ways To Achieve Unhappiness
• [Manifesto] 12 Indicative Signs of Emotional Eating
• How To Be Unhappy: 10 Surefire Ways To Be Unhappy in Life

Bejeweled is a popular tile-matching puzzle game that involves matching 3 (or more) jewels of the same color in a vertical column or horizontal row. It’s available on many present day consoles as well as on PC and Facebook. More than 75 million copies of Bejeweled have been sold, and the game has been downloaded more than 500 million times since its launch in 2001.

Top Player in Bejeweled – 8.2 Million High Score

Lately, I’ve taken to playing Bejeweled 3 as a recreational activity after I’m done with work. My favorite mode used to be the Lightning mode where you match as many jewels as possible in a 1 minute time limit (you get time extensions if you are fast enough). Now, I find the Ice Storm mode more fun. (Stacking up the ice column combos can be very rewarding!)

While I’m decent in the game, I’m nowhere near expert status. (Not that I’m trying to be – I just play it as a leisure activity.) Check out this clip of someone with an insane high score of 8.2 million on Lightning mode. My highest is 2.7 million – not even anywhere close to his!

(This is the highest score I know on Bejeweled 3 Lightning mode that doesn’t use any cheat codes or bots.)

If you scroll to the end of the video where the player’s final score card is shown, you can see that he has a rank of 71. I don’t know how long it takes to reach that rank – I’m Rank 32 with almost 80 hours clocked in the game (though I often abandon my games mid-way which results in the scores being forfeited), so I imagine he has probably clocked at least 150 hours in Bejeweled 3 alone – and probably more hours elsewhere assuming he has played other Bejeweled games before.

10,000 Hours To Develop Talent

This brings to mind the 10,000 hours concept. In 2009, I wrote an article 10,000 Hours To Develop Talent, about how the most successful people in this world have each invested at least 10,000 hours in their craft before they achieved success. This idea was first introduced by Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers: The Story of Success and later became widely popular.

The 10,000 hours applies to everything, including gaming. Part of the reason why the person above is so good is because he has invested due hours into honing his skills.

10,000 Hours: Improving in Bejeweled

I remember when I first played the game a few months ago, I was a klutz in it. I took a long time to spot matches. After a few hours of gameplay (split across different sessions), I became better at spotting matches. After 10 hours, it took me a maximum of 2-3 seconds to see a match right away. After another 10 hours, I became dramatically smoother in my actions. Add another 10 hours, and it took me a split second to see matches – plus I was able to subconsciously anticipate upcoming matches based on the gem arrangement on the screen before “falling”.

And now, it’s more than just being fast at matching gems – not only do I see 4-5 possible matches on the screen right away, I’m able to strategize the best manner and order to match the gems so that I can get the maximum score in the time limit. All in just 1-2 seconds of looking at the arrangement. It’s like all the hours of playing have help me leveled up to some zen master level. Each session I play has made me more proficient.

The player above probably underwent the same learning curve too (plus more since he has spent more time on the game than I have.)

Your 10,000 Hours

Of course, I didn’t write this post just to talk about Bejeweled 3. I really wrote this post because the principles I shared above apply to anything you are working on now.

While the person with the 8.2 million high score probably didn’t spend 10,000 hours playing bejeweled to become as good as he is now, the fact is it’s necessary to invest the time in something to become good in it. He has uploaded his best game on Youtube for everyone to see, but no one sees the other games he had to first play to become that good.

What is your #1 goal in life? What skill does that goal involve? Are you as good in it as you would like to be? If not, my next question is – have you invested your 10,000 hours in this skill yet?

My Example: 1/3 of 10,000 Hours in Writing So Far

It’s been 3.5 years since I started PE, and I’ve gotten a lot better at writing since then. For example:

1. Nowadays I take a lot less time to express my thoughts into words, whereas in the past I had to spend a fair amount of time thinking, writing, organizing, thinking again, and rewriting before an article was ready for publishing. I find that I no longer have to deliberately “create” the article – the article seems to create itself.
2. I have a good idea how to best convey my material so that the reader receives the idea. In the past, this wasn’t so apparent to me.
3. I have developed a stronger sense of the topics that are of value to the readers, and the ones that aren’t. I focus more on the former and cut out the latter.
4. I’m a lot more connected with my inner muse now. I’m able to channel into her fairly easily nowadays and simply start writing when needed. This wasn’t the case in the past. I could spend copious amounts of time in front of WordPress and have little usable material at the end of the day.

Taking a modest average of 2.5 hours spent on writing per day in the past 3.5 years (I probably spent more time than that), I gather that I have spent about 2.5 hours x 365 days x 3.5 years = approximate 3,194 hours so far writing personal development content. That’s about 1/3 of 10,000 hours.

I don’t think I’ll ever become an expert in writing, even when I hit 10,000 hours (I don’t think anyone ever does – it’s really a learning process), but it’s nice to know that the more time I spend doing this, the better I will get.

Putting Your Hours To Good Use

How about you? How many hours have you invested in your skill so far?

Many of us spend time on itty bitty things and become really good at them. For example, Facebook games. Playing Farmville. Playing Angry Birds. Playing Bejeweled. Using Facebook. Planning vacations. Installing apps on our phones. Channel surfing. Online shopping. Grocery shopping. Sorting emails. Using social media.

And that’s great. It shows you that where your energy goes, the results will show.

Knowing now that you are fully able to build up your skills as long as you invest the time in it, how about using some of the time to develop skills that really matter to you? Skills that will add real value to your life in the real world? For example, skills like:

• Public speaking
• Communication
• Writing
• Time management
• Self-management
• Business development
• Networking
• Any goal-specific skills (E.g. drawing for artists, dancing for dancers, coaching for coaches, etc)

I’ll continue to play Bejeweled whenever I need a release from whatever I’m doing, but I’m also conscious that my bad@$$ bejeweled skillz ain’t gona help me double my income, achieve my goals, meet new people, or expand my business. (Unless I aspire to be a professional gamer in which case it would be a goal-specific skill for me, but I don’t). Spending the time to build my real skills, on the other hand, will.

Hence, I just spend whatever time I need in the game, then get out of it. For example if I’m playing Bejeweled to relax / destress, I stop playing once I feel ready to get back to what I was doing – and that may be as long as a few minutes to as quick as a few seconds (no kidding). Sometimes I launch the game and I feel like I’m good to go, and then I close it. I don’t let myself get sucked into the game and enter a circular chain of trying to outdo my last game (because that never ends).

Similarly, continue to do the things you need to do – be it playing games, watching TV, chatting, or using Facebook. Just be mindful that every minute you spend on them is time away from your actual goals. The more time you spend on your goals, the more time you will be clocking toward your 10,000 hours, the better you will be, and the greater success you will accomplish in life.

Related Posts:

• 10,000 Hours To Develop Talent
• Skills Development
• Quitting To Win

For those of you who would like to lose weight but haven’t been able to do so (or have successfully lost the weight before but could not keep it off), have you ever considered that perhaps there’s a spiritual reason behind it? That there’s a message your subconsciousness is trying to send to you, via the physical manifestation of the “not-thin” you?

A Message from Your Subconscious Self

I’m not talking about messages like to be more disciplined, to stop being lazy, or to watch your diet. All these are important messages, but they are the surface level messages when it comes to a deeply compounded topic like weight loss.

There is a deeper, spiritual reason behind why you are not able to lose your weight, and until you discover the reason why, your excess weight will remain. Even if you do lose your excess pounds by some crazy diet and/or a mad burst of exercise, you will eventually regain it, simply because you have not lost the excess “weight” in your subconsciousness. This excess weight, be it emotional baggage or unprocessed thoughts, will find its way into the physical world, onto your body. Bear this in mind, always: ”We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.

This is what I was referring to when I wrote Reason #11 of 11 Blatant Reasons Why You Are Fat (And Will Continue To Be) - “You secretly want to be fat”. In the post, I wasn’t referring to your conscious self, because most people’s conscious selves have intentions to lose weight, or at the very least, look slimmer. That’s why the diet industry is such a booming business. Slimming centers, gyms, fad diets, diet pills, dieting services and even plastic surgery have become billion-dollar industries in recent history.

What I was referring to, was your subconscious self. Your spiritual self. While many people have the conscious intention to lose weight, not everyone seems to be able to actually lose the weight AND keep it off. Reason? Because your subconsciousness, at least a part of it, secretly wants to be fat. And because your subconsciousness is more powerful than the conscious you, any attempts by your conscious self to lose weight without first addressing the spiritual cause will simply be a waste of time.

That’s why many people frequently face self-sabotaging efforts in their weight loss journeys, be it eating outside of their meticulously designed diet plans and/or falling off their exercise plans. It seems like no matter how many hundred to thousand times they set the goal to lose weight, they are never able to achieve it – and even if they do, they are not able to keep it off.

What these people need is not more diet plans or fitness classes, but a dialogue with their subconscious selves to uncover what they are trying to tell them.

20-Minute Exercise: Dialogue with Not-Thin You

If you are someone who has lost your excess weight before but regained it back (perhaps multiple times for some of you), or if you are someone who knows the physical steps to lose weight (i.e. proper exercise and nutrition) but isn’t doing them for some reason, consider doing the exercise below. Whilst I’ve covered some of the physical aspects and emotional aspects of weight loss, this is the spiritual aspect of it.

This exercise is inspired by the exercise in Lesson 2 of the book A Course In Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson (of which I have named this article after). It’s not the same exercise though – I’ve borrowed the concept and fleshed it out into 5 simple yet highly impactful steps below.

I kid you not - this is one extremely powerful exercise that may blow the lid on your weight loss struggles wide open. Try it for yourself and see what you get out of it.

Make sure you are in a private room by yourself first, then begin the exercise.

1. Grab a mirror.
2. Look into the mirror. Naturally, you see your reflection.
• Not-Thin You. For the purpose of this exercise, this person you see before you shall be referred to as the Not-Thin You.
• Thin You. The ideal you with the ideal weight you want to achieve, shall be known as the Thin You. Thin You has always been inside you all along, yearning to be brought into this world. That’s why you keep having the intention to lose weight.
• Dichotomy between Thin You and Not-Thin You. However, Not-Thin You keeps sabotaging your efforts, making it impossible for Thin You to manifest in reality. While you want to become Thin You both on the outside and inside, Not-Thin You is stubbornly etched in the physical world. No doubt, you feel exasperated with Not-Thin You at times.
3. Now, as Thin You, speak to Not-Thin You.
• Verbal purging. Tell him/her all the grievances, anger, unhappiness, hurt, disappointment, hatred, etc you have towards him/her. Maybe you are angry at him/her for being too lazy to exercise. Maybe you are angry at him/her for making you the butt of ridicule back in high school. Maybe you are angry at him/her for the fact that you are still single. Maybe you hate his/her fat wobbly thunder thighs and the flabby arms. Maybe you wince every time you see his/her reflection. Tell all of these in his/her face. Don’t hold anything back.
• Emotional purging. During this catharsis, you may experience deep emotions surging through. You may even start crying and burst into tears. This is a good thing. Let them out – all of it.
• Say all there is to say. Don’t stop until you feel like you are completely done and there’s nothing else you want to say. It will probably take about 10 minutes, perhaps more if you have a lot to say to him/her.
4. Now, as Not-Thin You, speak to Thin You.
• Verbal purging. Express all the sentiments you (Not-Thin You) have toward Thin You, just like how he/she just dished out everything that was on his/her mind. Maybe you’re pissed off at the way Thin You keeps abusing you. Maybe you’re pissed off at the ridiculous diets and exercise regimes he/she tries to put you through. Let them all out.
• Reason for being. There’s a reason why you (Not-Thin You) keeps sticking around even though Thin You keeps trying to get rid of you. What is the reason? What is he/she trying to tell you?
• Say all there is to say. Once again, don’t stop until you (as your Not-Thin self) has aired everything off your chest.
5. The exercise comes to an end when you finally understand Not-Thin You’s reason for being. 
• It will take about 20 minutes or less, though the length of time depends on how much emotion there is to process. Take your time though – there is no need to rush.

Objectives of this Exercise

While the exercise may seem bizarre (talking to yourself – what the…?), it’s really not that strange.

There are many facets of you, all floating inside of you. Some parts of you, you wear on your sleeve. These are the sides of you that other people see. Other parts of you, you hide inside you and repress them. These are the sides of you that never get “integrated” into your consciousness – hence becoming your “shadow”.

When you try to deny these “shadow” sides of you, they don’t disappear – in fact, they persist. The more you deny them, the more they will make themselves seen/heard via the creeks of your conscious self. In this case, a part of your shadow has taken the form of excess weight on your body.

This exercise is essential to help you to receive the message your subconsciousness is trying to tell you, which in turn will help you to integrate that rejected/lost/shadow aspect of yourself back into your consciousness. I’ve included the mirror in this exercise because I think it’s an excellent conduit to connect your light self with your shadow self, given that we are talking about something physical like weight.

(For those of you who are interested to explore the shadow aspect of yourself, Days 2-4 of Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program takes you on a journey to uncover your past “shadows” by way of your undesired traits.)

My Experience with the Exercise

When I first did this exercise  a few months ago, I found it extremely revealing. I had already worked through the bulk of my emotional eating issues late last year and early this year, so this exercise provided me brand new insights that were no longer related to food, but to do with my relationship with myself.

Below were some of the insights I uncovered:

1. I was using excess body weight as a way to keep people away from me. Being heavier meant I would be less attractive, and being less attractive meant I would invite less attention from others, be it males or females. The lesser, the better.
2. I wasn’t ready for love; I didn’t want to be loved. I was fearful of being with someone – anyone, really. So I ate as a way to keep others at bay. My excess weight was like my shield, my armor. (Related to #1.)
3. I was abusing myself with expectations of what I should do every day. I had no issues with who I was (self-identity) but I had problems with what I should be (accomplishments). The expectations weighed down on me and drained me of any self-love I had left. It then created a vacant void which would subsequently be filled with food. The more expectations I weighed myself with, the more I would eat.
4. I didn’t realize it, but I was living in fear this whole time. Fear that I would not be good enough. Many of my daily thoughts, actions, and some of my goals were driven by the desire to become “good enough”. The fear then manifested outward as my not-thin self. The more fear I held on to, the “bigger” I would become. Any attempts to shake off the weight would be thwarted shortly after, because the fear was still present.

Hearing all these things straight from my mouth was a huge awakening moment. I kinda knew some of the issues that were bubbling above at the surface, but this exercise really blew the whole thing wide open. It helped me to finally receive the messages my inner self had been trying to send to me all this while.

At the end of the exercise, I was in tears. I also realized what I had to do next – (a) open myself up to love (all kinds of love and unconditional love, not specifically romantic love) (b) recognize that love is everywhere (c) let go of the fear which had been driving me all this while.

Merging with Not-Thin You

Everyone’s not-thin self has a different reason for being. Do the exercise and get the answers straight from the horse’s mouth. Then, address those problems.

When you uncover the reasons, and address the reasons, one by one, your not-thin self and your real, true, thin self (who is hiding inside you) will slowly to merge and become one person. You will no longer be someone who is split into 2 spiritual bodies, but one full spiritual body that is whole and complete.

When that happens, you will find that you will take the natural actions required to lose your excess weight (with little to no resistance) and you *will* start losing those excess pounds off your body. (This is what’s happening to me now.) Your physical body will begin to reflect the thinner spiritual you. This is when you will finally lose the weight and keep it off.

Don’t hate on Not-Thin You but understand that it is here to send a message. It wants to work with you. Remove the barricade between you and her via this exercise. That is when he/she will combine forces with you and work with you – and finally let your physical body reflect your true inner self.

Feel free to share your results with this exercise in the comments section!

Images: Reflection, Mirror

Related Posts:

• 11 Blatant Reasons Why You Are Fat (And Will Continue To Be)
• 25 Of My Best Weight Loss Tips
• How a Relapse Begins: The Key To Removing Bad Habits From Your Life
• [Manifesto] 12 Indicative Signs of Emotional Eating
• How To Stop Emotional Eating, A Crucial Guide, Part 2: Rebuilding a Healthy Relationship with Food

Hi everyone!

About 7 months ago, I officially launched the Challenges micro-site on PE. 7 months later today, I’m now officially closing down the challenges section.

Why I’m Closing Down the Challenges Section

There are a variety of reasons, but the main reason is it was consuming my life.

Since August last year, I had been conducting challenges non-stop, every month, up until March this year. (with the exception of September) That meant new content for every day of the challenge for 7 months. And since each challenge was either 30 days long or 21 days long, that left me with little time to do anything else. The only free time I had in-between the challenges was fed right back into the challenges – planning, designing and marketing the upcoming challenge.

This is also one of the reasons why there had barely been any proper content on the blog in the past few months. The challenges took away my time and left me with little for the main site, much less myself.

It took me about 7-8 months to finally realize that the monthly challenges idea wasn’t working out. There were also other issues like (a) many readers signing up then dropping out shortly after (b) slight “wear-out” effect where number of participants per challenge gradually reduced since we were having so many challenges (c) sometimes unreasonable expectations from participants (very rare though), but the main reason why I’m shutting the section down is because it simply became too much to handle.

Some may suggest reducing the frequency of the challenges to solve the issue, such as having a challenge every 2 months or so, but I guess the point here is that the challenges section simply doesn’t fit with my long-term vision for PE anymore.

1. It is not a high leverage medium. While the articles at PE take time to write, they have a lifetime utility value. Whereas for the monthly challenges, they are one-off and usually lose the bulk of their value once they are over.
2. Since the challenges are conducted in real time, my active presence is required. Participants usually have questions which require answering right away. There are incoming comments which require monitoring to ensure there are no appropriate responses. I have to be around to facilitate to ensure the discussions are going in the right direction. I can hire someone for this, but that’s going to be additional work (and cost) altogether.
3. It is a high-effort project with little return. Don’t get me wrong – seeing the lives changed as a result of each challenge was (and still is) one of the greatest gifts I could get. However from a practical standpoint, the challenges drove little incremental traffic and usually crashed the server because of the high number of comments. This impacted revenue. And since all my time was taken up by the challenges, I couldn’t work on any projects at all.

It has definitely been a great run while it lasted and I would like to thank all of you for participating in the past challenges. Thank you for all your wonderful contribution to the community – all of you make up an instrumental part of PE. I really appreciate it.

For those who would like to access the past challenges and the comments, you can do so via the archives.

Who knows? The challenges section may well return in the future, but for now it’s closed.

Continuation of the Challenges

Does this mean there are no more challenges at PE? No, not really.

1. Self-Directed Challenges @ PE Forums

First of all, I recently converted the Personal Excellence Forums into a journal-based forum, where anyone can create his/her journal for any goal he/she would like to work on and document his/her progress in achieving this goal.

There are sub-forums like Live Your Best Life (for overall life goals), Health & Fitness, Habits Cultivation, Career & Business, and People & Rleationships. You are free to start your journal in any of the sub-forums and use it as your accountability pod. Where you create your journal is dependent on your goal – if you have a health & fitness goal, create your journal in the Health & Fitness forum. And so on.

Think of this as a self-directed challenge, where you set your goals, create your plans, and track YOUR progress. On a long-term basis, such a self-directed approach toward growth is definitely the most sustainable approach.

Here are some excellent examples of members who are doing this:

• Stacey’s Love And Acceptance Challenge
• Matt’s 30 Day Drawing Challenge
• Kim’s 30 Day Creativity Challenge
• Lina’s Live Your Best Life Journal
• Sarah’s Live Your Best Life Journal
• Jaleen’s Live a Healthier Life Journal

2. Annual Live Challenges

There are 2 premium challenges at PE – (1) Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program (30DLBL) and (2) the recently launched Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program (30BBM). My plan is to conduct each at least 1-2 times a year. Simply get each program and you are entitled to join all live runs for that program for life.

With 30DLBL focused on life development and 30BBM on character development, these 2 programs consist of the best material I can ever create as far as challenges and personal development go. I don’t have any plans to create any new programs in the near future.

At the moment I am conducting the May 2012 run of 30BBM with an extremely lovely group of participants. In June, I will be conducting the first ever live run for 30DLBL 2nd edition. Join the newsletter to be notified when that happens.

I may conduct Live a Healthier Life in 21 Days (21DHL) as a free annual challenge to kick off the new year (I’ve previously conducted it on Jan 2011 and Jan this year), but I’ll decide on that later in the year.

Plans Forward

Some of you may recall my 2011 year end review where I said I was going to make 2012 my year of intuition. It definitely still is the case. I’m now developing a strong bond with my intuition (in fact, the decision to close the challenges section came from following my intuition).

My plans moving forward now involves working toward my new ideal self (Day 5 of Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program is about discovering your ideal you), writing new content for PE and creating new videos for The Celes Show. I also plan to write a new book on my best principles to achieve excellence in life which I target to launch in the 2nd half of the year. This one will probably have a kindle and audio version.

Related Posts:

• Announcing: All-New “Challenges” Micro-site!

Note from Celes: So happy that I’ve finally completed and launched 30BBM and released 30DLBL 2nd edition! Now I can finally get back to the regular routine of writing, working on The Celes Show, among other stuff.

For existing 30DLBL owners, you should have gotten an email with the link to upgrade to 30DLBL 2nd edition for free - courtesy of me as thank you for all your support all these years.

Have you heard of the bike shed effect before?

The bike shed story tells of a management committee’s decision to approve a nuclear power plant, which it does so with little argument or deliberation.  The story contrasts this with another decision on choosing the color of the bike shed where the management gets into a nit-picking debate and expends far more time and energy than on the nuclear power plant decision.

Karl Fogel, a renowned engineer on the topic describes the issue as “the amount of discussion is inversely proportional to the complexity of the topic that has been around for a long time”.

(From The Express Tribute)

The bike shed effect (also known as the bike shed problem or Parkinson’s Law of Triviality) is an issue commonly known in the corporate and consulting circles. While it takes its roots in the corporate domain, it has its parallels in personal development too.

Scenarios where Bike Shed Effect Kicks In

Consider the following situations:

1. You are out shopping for a purse. You can’t, for the life of you, decide whether to get the color pink or light red, which have a color difference of a delta E value of 1 ( i.e. not even visible to begin with). You stress out over it and decide not to get either of them. You then spend the rest of the week thinking about the purse and the color that you want. You even consult your friends about it. And at the end of the week, you go all the way out and return back to the shop just to get that one purse when you could have gotten it back then when you were there.
2. You have a dream to pursue your passion. Everyone around you gets into an outburst and starts volunteering his/her opinions even though you don’t ask for any. You reverberate in shock and decide not to pursue it under everyone’s coaxing.
3. You decide to become a raw vegan for personal reasons. You begin to draw a lot of attention and criticisms to your lifestyle, namely from your friends, parents, colleagues, and even your doctor – even though they know essentially nothing about the raw way of life.

In each of the 3 situations above, you see the bike shed effect kicking in.

1. Picking a color seems like such an easy decision that you’re afraid to make the wrong move. There are no frameworks, no tools, no data and no information to help you make this decision – all of which are things you normally rely on to make decisions. So you ponder to death thinking about this decision, out of fear that you will make the wrong choice and regret later. What started out as a simple decision, now becomes the hardest problem of your month. Funnily you have no problem making big business decisions or closing big transactions that are 10-20 times more expensive than the purse.
2. Career and work, recreation and passion. These are things which everyone can relate to. These are things which everyone has pondered about at some point in their lives. These are decisions that people are living right now. So everyone feels that he/she has something to say about the matter, regardless whether they really have actual experience on said matter.
3. Everyone eats every day – morning, afternoon, evening. So everyone feels like he/she is an expert on diet, food and nutrition, even if they may know nothing about the diet you are pursuing.

Personal Development Lessons from Bike Shed Effect

While not immediately apparent, here are 3 interesting insights parallel to the bike shed problem:

Firstly, the simplest problems can take up the most of our time. Why? Because they are so simple that they boggle our minds. They also tend to rely on our subjective judgment which we lack faith in – whereas we have no problem dealing with objective analysis and decisions.

Secondly, everyone and his/her grandmother can give you advice on something. The amount of unsolicited and “free” advice you get increases exponentially with the relevancy of the topic in one’s life – even if it’s just by proxy.

Meaning, if you want to quit your job and set up a new business, you will get staunch and forceful advice from 20 different people who are working in day jobs. That’s because they can relate to one half of the situation –  the part on what you “lose” from not having a day job. Never mind that they have never set up their own businesses before and know nothing about becoming an entrepreneur.

Thirdly, situations where subjective judgment is involved tends to invite the most conflict. Because there are no qualifications required to give a judgment. Everyone has an opinion and everyone is entitled to give it. There is also no way to prove or disprove anything, because a judgment is a judgment – there is no right or wrong.

Reflect on your life today and you will easily observe the bike shed effect at work.

For example, you worry too much about a simple purchase decision (like scenario above on choosing colors). You spend a lengthy amount of time along the aisles of the supermarket, pondering whether to buy whole wheat bread or multi-grain bread. You set up a new business and a lot of people try to tell you what you should do, but none of them have direct experience setting up successful businesses before. You stress out whether to go to Country A or Country B for your vacation (or even between choosing Hotel A or Hotel B. You argue with your partner on whether to leave the toilet seat up or down. You argue with your roommates on whether to have the heater on or off.

In all of the scenarios above, the common problem is that there is too much noise in the system. Too many thoughts, too many opinions, too much energy expended, all over things that don’t even matter in the first place. They may seem important at first, but fast forward a week, month, year – they lose their significance.

How To Avoid the Bike Shed Effect

Hence you want to avoid the bike shed effect in your life – if possible, even prevent it. How can you do that?

1. There is no need to follow to feedback / advice from everyone. Everyone can give an opinion on what to do with your bike shed but the value of the opinion differs from person to person, depending on his/her knowledge and experience. Hear them out, listen to what they have to say, but you don’t need to follow what people tell you. Assess the source first and conclude if it’s a source you want to listen to.Day 19 of Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program on Seeking Advice gets you to approach at least 2 people (relevant to your goals) for valuable advice.
2. Go for the color you want. In the bike shed story, everyone spends a lot of time debating over which color to choose for the shed. Reflecting onto your life, are there people telling you what color you should paint your bike shed? It’s nice to hear their opinions, but the bike shed is yours and you are going to be the one to live with it forever. What color do YOU want to paint YOUR bike shed? That’s something you have to ask yourself.
3. Ask yourself how significant this is. Does the color of the bike shed really matter, honestly? Is this thing you’re pondering over even significant to begin with? Significant being: (a) Will it impact you 1, 3, 5 years from now? (b) Is it an irreversible change?(c) What’s at stake here, really? If it’s a “no” for (a) and (b), and if there is nothing major at stake, then it’s not all that significant and you shouldn’t be spending your energy on this in the first place.
4. Use objective assessment tools. Assuming the problem is significant enough for you to spend further time on it, objectifying it may help with your decision making process.  Since subjective judgment tends to be, well, subjective and hence inconclusive, use objective criteria to bring light to the situation.For example, if you’re considering whether to quit your job now or wait out for a few more months, objectify the problem: Identify your objectives, nail down the pros and cons of each option, then pick the one that fits your objectives the best. If you are not sure which location to set up your new restaurant, then do an analysis of the human traffic, cost, and potential returns for each location, and see which is more profitable. If you’re not sure which stock to buy for your investment, then evaluate the list of stocks, analyze their past trends, understand the performance of each company, then make your decision.

   Every situation, no matter how subjective it may seem, can be easily objectified when you pinpoint the criteria you are looking for.

5. Don’t talk about something unless you are ready to hear others’ opinions about it. Everyone likes to comment on a bike shed scenario. Think about it as a can of worms that will get out of control once you open it. By talking about it, you are essentially issuing an open ticket for others to critique it. Naysayers tend to latch tightly to these opportunities to air their thoughts. So unless you are ready to listen to what others have to tell you, don’t talk about it at all.
6. Use the 20/80 list to identify important tasks over unimportant bike shed problems. Many of us have a tendency to occupy ourselves with unimportant bike shed problems because they are easy and “painless”. However, they are also pointless and a waste of time.The 20/80 list is a high performance to-do list covered in Day 8 of Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program.  Basically you segment your tasks into 2 piles: 20% high value tasks and 80% low value tasks. Then, you allocate a disproportionate amount of time to the 20% high value tasks and push back the 80% low value tasks – either by doing them quickly, delegating, outsourcing, or ditching them altogether. This way, you don’t let yourself get sucked into the unimportant bike shed problems.
7. Pick your battles. There are about a million bike shed problems you can mull yourself with, but that’s not what you want to do. You want to be choiceful over where you spend your time on. People may have agitated opinions over something, but if it’s trivial to you, then let it go – you don’t need to “win” the argument for the sake of winning. Spend your energy on the things that matter. (See #2.)
8. Pick one and go. If the decision doesn’t matter in the long run, then just pick any option and go. For you to even have a dilemma over the options – that means that they must be pretty good to begin with, aye? So, it’s not going to matter much whether it’s you pick the color green or yellow.

Image: Bike Shed

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