Often times on my Facebook, I hear of readers who have problems with their family and friends because they are not supportive of them, usually of their goals.

I’ve already written a fair bit about unsupportive people in 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life and 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People, though those articles are not on unsupportive friends or family per se. In today’s article, I’ll be writing specifically about what to do when you have unsupportive friends and family.

When Friends and Family are Unsupportive

First off, don’t feel bad if your friends and family are unsupportive of your goals. While the situation is not ideal, it’s definitely not indicative of the value of your goals. Just because others don’t support your goals doesn’t mean they are not worthwhile. If anything, they are probably more worthy than anything you’ve ever wanted to achieve, and hence your desire to pursue them.

Secondly, one tends to face resistance from others when he/she pursues goals worth pursuing. This is especially so if you are surrounded by people who tend to be more fear-based. Examples would be people who tend to seek affirmation about everything they do, people who don’t think much about what they want to do in life, people who are quick to dismiss than accept changes, etc.

Having said that, it is probably useful to understand what exactly you define as “unsupportive”. What do you perceive as an unsupportive person? Is it a person who (a) discourages you from pursuing your goals, perhaps actively so? Or it it someone who (b) is neutral, perhaps slightly nonchalant about what you are doing, and doesn’t actively render help to you?

When Friends and Family Don’t Provide *Active* Support

I found that for some people, (b) may be seen as a big sign of being unsupportive, even though that may not be their intention.

For example, say Jane has an idea to start a photography business. This is her first time starting a business and she is extremely excited about this. She talks about it to her boyfriend, John, who listens but doesn’t provide any help. Dejected, she concludes that he is being an unsupportive boyfriend.

Notice here that the boyfriend provided a listening ear, which is providing support in a way – moral support. Jane felt that her boyfriend was unsupportive because he did not actively try to offer help, such as in the setting up of her business. He also did not share any suggestions on how she could build her business.

But it’s possible that he didn’t do that because she didn’t ask. It’s also possible that he didn’t know anything about photography or business management and hence decided not to offer any suggestions, lest they turned out unhelpful.

Example: Starting Personal Excellence (My Business)

When I first started Personal Excellence (the business, not just the site), I approached some of my friends to ask them if they had any contacts to teachers in public schools. I was building my portfolio as a trainer then, and schools were potential avenues for me to conduct training in. By being directly introduced to the teachers in schools, it would give my training pitch more credibility, since I was referred to them by their friends.

However, most of my friends either said they didn’t know of anybody working in schools or that they knew of some, agreed to help me follow-up, but never got back thereafter.

At first it was a little disappointing, as it felt they were not being supportive of my endeavor. Singapore is a place where most people would know at least 1-2 people working as a teacher (usually more), so it was hard to comprehend that almost all the people whom I approached said they didn’t know anyone working as a teacher. As for the people who said they would help me check and get back to me but never did (even after I followed up), it made me wonder if they were merely playing lip service. If so, that would have been pretty sad (IMO, anyway).

However, when I reflected on the situation later on, I realized they were not being unsupportive, but merely offering what they could at their capacity. For some people, they might not be willing to go the extra mile to do such a favor for someone, unless it was for a very close kin. For other people, they might not be in close contact with their teacher friends, and hence it would have been too much of a hassle for them to reach out to them for an offbeat request like this. As for the people who promised to reach out but never did, perhaps they wanted to reject my request for the same reason, but felt awkward doing that in person because they didn’t know how to say no.

Instead of mentally faulting the people I approached for being unsupportive, I should have been more appreciative of those who offered to help, and the handful of gems who pushed through with the favor in the end. And I definitely did, after I came to this realization. Those were the people whom I knew I could rely on for any further help or assistance in the future, and also people whom I’d go out of my way to help them in the future. (Not that I wouldn’t help the people who didn’t help me, just that I would make even more of an effort to help these people.)

The Psyche of Someone Embarking on a New Goal

Uncertainty Leading to Increase Reliance on Others

Sometimes, when we pursue things that really matter to us, or things which are brand new to us, we may feel more sensitive and vulnerable than usual, since we’re in an unknown area – which causes us to seek more validation and support from the others around us than we usually do. We become more reliant on our existing relationships to provide that.

And when the people around us don’t provide enough validation and support, we sign them off as being unsupportive.

However, as I’ve illustrated with the examples above, this may not be the case. Our friends and families may not be trying to be unsupportive – they may simply be behaving the way they are. There could also be other reasons too. It could be that they are busy with other things in their life at the moment and hence are unable to give you the level of support you seek. It may also be that they are unaware you are actually seeking support from them.

In such a situation, there are two ways to handle it, of which both ways can be used simultaneously.

3 Problems with Expecting Constant, Full Support From Others

I think the first thing is to recognize that it may not be reasonable to expect full-on, open-end support from your friends and family all the time, for every single goal you pursue.

One thing is they have other things, or other problems, going on in their life. This means they may not have the capacity to give you the support you need, such as time. Here’s another way of looking at it: Would you like it if your friends and family members continuously complain to you about how you’re not showing enough support to them for their goals (regardless of whether you are or aren’t)? You’d probably wonder why they are so needy, demanding, and high maintenance.

Personally, I am very grateful to my friends for always being accepting of the help that I can give (or not give), never trying to pressurize me to give them more support in their goals. At the same time, I give whatever I can to the people I know I can assist.

The second thing is it puts too much pressure on your relationships with them, because you are too reliant on them to support you. If it bothers you that your friends and family don’t give you active support each time you work on your goals, you may be expecting more from them that they’re capable of giving you (at this moment). This already suggests a lopsided relationship dynamic which should be looked into.

The third thing is it may well not be within their ability to help you, especially if the kinds of support you’re looking for are intellectual (ideas) and resource-related (contacts, money). They may not have the knowledge in the goal to advise you on it. They may not have the resources you need for this particular goal you’re working on.

What You Can Do: Redirect Your Support Needs

Given that, I’d actually suggest you reduce the pressure you’re putting on your relationships by redirecting your support needs elsewhere, be it internally (yourself) or externally (other people). If I may say this, this is a great opportunity for you to practice being more self-sufficient.

1) Identify Your Support Needs

Here’s what you can do. First, identify the kind of support you’re looking for by understanding what exactly is the support you’re missing from people around you. Is it…

1. …Moral support (support in terms of spirit)?
2. …Physical support (spending time with you, physical presence)?
3. …Emotional support (listening to you, understanding your problems, encouraging you on)?
4. …Intellectual support (ideas, recommendations, analysis)?
5. …Resource support (sharing contacts, loaning money, providing valid resources, etc)?

Go take a piece of paper and write down the category of support, as well as the specific details of the kind of support you need, in relation to your goals. Feel free to write down more than one category. List as many details as you want per category.

2) Identify How You Can Redirect these Needs… and Start Working on Them

After you are done, work out how you can redirect these support needs, assuming that your friends and family can’t provide them for you.

Say you need resource support in the form of connections (like in my example above about seeking relevant contacts), how can you get the contacts yourself then? (e.g., going to related networking events, sourcing via social media sites like LinkedIn and Facebook, looking up websites)

Or say you need intellectual support in the form of business ideas. Can you borrow some books on business management from the library and do some self-reading, in the process build your skill in this area? Can you seek out new contacts in the business world and approach them for help instead? Would you want to seek out a business coach as well to aid you in your business goal?

Or, maybe you are looking for emotional support. Can you connect with like-minded folks doing the same thing as you are now, perhaps in online forums, reading related online blogs, and/or joining related interest groups in real life? These people may be in a better position to empathize with your situation. (Read: Ask Celes – How Do I Meet Like-Minded People?)

For example, if I’m working on losing weight, I reckon I’d get more support and empathy from people working on the same goal as I am, as opposed to a friend who has never had weight problems and has no interest in weight loss as a subject.

Identify these steps, then start working on them.

3) Have a Heart-to-Heart with Those Whose Support Really Matter

For the people whom you really want to show active support (for example, from your partner, your best friend, your parents) but who aren’t giving you that, a heart-to-heart talk is in place.

Let them know that this goal you’re working on now is something that’s very important to you. Because of that, you want to share it with the people who are most important to you, which would be them. Let them know you are currently in a crucial place in your goal (such as if you’re in the beginning phases), and their support would mean the world to you in helping you succeed.

While you’re doing this, let them know specifically the kind of support you would like to get from them. This should be support which only they can give you, and no one else can. As per my suggestion above, it’s not realistic to expect your friends and family to be the sole providers of all the support you need for your goal – your support requests should reflect the absolute kind of support you need from them.

At the same time, take the lead by recognizing the goals they are working on now and giving them support in those goals. For example, asking them how they are doing in those goals (emotional support), visiting and patronizing their businesses (physical, moral support), providing them books you think may help them in the area (resource support), and so on. This lets them know you care; this also gives them an example on the joy of having support from loved ones in the goals that matter.

When Friends and Family *Discourage* You (Actively)

On the other hand, if your situation is (active) discouragement from others regarding your goals, then it takes a little more tact to handle it.

First off, you should take their discouragement as a good thing. Whenever you get people dissuading you from pursuing something, that usually means there is great value hidden in the goal. This also means when you finally achieve your goal, there are going to be some really great things in store for you. Here’s a quote which I shared in 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life, which also happens to be one of my favorite quotes ever:

“History shows us that the people who end up changing the world – the great political, social, scientific, technological, artistic, even sports revolutionaries – are always nuts, until they are right, and then they are geniuses.” ~ John Eliot

(You can also get this quote as a wallpaper on 15 Beautiful, Inspirational Wallpapers For Your Desktop - refer to the 2nd wallpaper.)

When I first made the decision to quit my corporate job and pursue my passion several years ago, I faced resistance all around, as I shared in the naysayers piece and this Ask Celes reply. The resistance didn’t daunt me though – in fact, I took it as a positive thing, because it meant that success was going to be even sweeter when I make it. It also made me even more determined to pursue it and succeed, because then I could show people that everything they said were merely limiting beliefs, and anything is possible in this world (something which I’ve always believed in since young).

Secondly, people’s discouragement usually reflect their inner fears and beliefs. For example, if you have someone discouraging you from pursuing your goal to become a dancer, it says more about their belief that dancers don’t make good money or that it’s hard to make it as a dancer. However, this is only their belief, and not a fact.

When I went on my 21-day fast last Feb, tons of people discouraged me, some saying I’d die, with others adding nothing valuable to the table except showcasing their attachments and fears surrounding eating and food. Obviously none of what their fears came true, because they were merely their fears and not the reality.

Thirdly, when your friends and family make a point to share their disapproval, that’s really just their own special way of saying “Hey, I care about you ♥”. It’s just that they don’t know how else to express that, especially if they are not good at expressing themselves. Hence, you should be happy about their concern for you.

What You Can Do When People Actively Discourage You

So, how should you handle such a situation then?

1) Address their Concerns (if applicable)

What I wrote in Ask Celes – Has Anyone Ever Discouraged You From Working on Your Blog? pretty much sums up what I have to say:

…you don’t have to shut out opinions from others on these areas – (1) Remain open to feedback from others, but at the same time evaluate them consciously. (2) Understand the source of any concerns so you can address them accordingly. (3) Adapt your plans if needed, but only if it’s for the betterment of your end vision. (4) Discard the unconstructive feedback at the end of the day.

Follow those 4 points above, and you will be in a good place. You don’t have to be defensive to their discouragement (after all what resists will persist) – understand why they react this way, and address their concerns accordingly.

2) Focus your Energy on your Goals (Let the Results Do the Talking)

If they still proactively discourage you after you have tried to address their concerns (in a logical, calm manner, not by shouting or arguing), then clearly, it doesn’t matter what is said to them, because now they are reacting from their hang ups, and not so much about your situation.

At this point, it may be best to focus your energy on your goals and show them that you know what you’re doing via your actions and results, and not via verbal talk. Don’t spend too much time entertaining their fears, because you are just delaying your progress. Let your results do the talking.

Know that when they reject your goals or your plans, that doesn’t mean they are rejecting you per se. It just means they want you to be happy and they are unsure of whether your goals or plans can help to lead you to happiness. You should use their discouragement as an impetus to succeed faster and on a grander scale then, as a way of letting your friends and family know you are in a good place and they need not worry about you.

3) Tune Them Out

Having people actively discourage you on a regular basis regarding your goals is most definitely a very spirit-deflating experience.

I’ll recommend to tune them out. Perhaps don’t cut them out totally from your life, but at the very least, reduce the time you spend with them. Many of the tips I wrote in 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life will come in handy here. (#1, #4, #5, #7 in particular)

At the End: Learning To Be Self-Reliant

At the end of the day, having unsupportive friends and family shouldn’t deter you from achieving your goals. It’s not sustainable to always be reliant on others to give you support anyway, because others have their priorities just like you do, and those priorities may not always include you.

And I’m not saying this in a “Boo-hoo, we live in a cold world and there’s no one we can ever rely on” sort of way. That’s a ridiculous, self-limiting thought. I’m saying this as a “There are people who do want to help you. But there is a time and place for everything, and it’s not fair to expect constant attention and support from others all the time” sort of way. There comes a time when you need to step out on your own and become the person you are meant to be.

To begin with, your goal should be self-fueling and something you are capable of achieving by yourself. Even if you aren’t capable of doing so at the moment, that’s something you can learn and develop your skills in. Knowledge can be built, skills can be learned, new relationships can be fostered. If you’re always dependent on others’ support for your success, that means you will always be doomed to descend into a state of limbo whenever people are not around to support you. That’s not a healthy situation to be in.

Whether others provide support for you or not should be a secondary factor, not an ancillary one. Great if they can give you support – cherish that and make the best out of it. If not, appreciate what you can get from them, while at the same time learn to redirect your support needs elsewhere, via the steps I have already outlined earlier in the article.

Take this as a big step in becoming a more self-sufficient and self-reliant person. Believe it or not, this is actually a great opportunity to build your identity outside of the current relationships you have, and to come into your own. Say your name is John. Who is John? Who is John outside of his relationships with others? What is he capable of accomplishing by himself? These are some existentialistic questions you’ll probably end up addressing during this journey.

Interestingly, you may find that as you become more self-sufficient, the people around you begin to show more interest, and perhaps offer more support, to your goals. You will definitely find that you start to be more confident, less needy, and more directive in what you do. That’s when you become a fuller person in your own right, and not someone who only exists within his/her relationships.

Check out some related articles below that supplement this article:

Coming into your own:

•  Finding Your Inner Self
• Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program, Day 15: Identify Your Values
• Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program, Day 16: Discover Your Life Purpose

Developing your skills as you pursue your new goal(s):

• Skills Development
• Leveling Up
• 10,000 Hours To Develop Talent

Dealing with Unsupportive People:

• Ask Celes – Has Anyone Ever Discouraged You From Working on Your Blog?
• 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life | Manifesto version
• 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People | Manifesto version
• 8 Simple Tips To Deal With Energy Vampires | Manifesto version

Meeting new people who will be more compatible in providing support for your new goal(s):

Image: Sad girl

Related Posts:

• 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People
• [Manifesto] How To Deal With Critical People
• [Manifesto] How To Nay-say the Naysayers
• 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life
• How To Deal With Energy Vampires: 8 Simple Tips

Hi all! I’m currently open to ideas on what you think I should do next at Personal Excellence, so I’ve decided to open up the floor to all of you today.

Are there any topics you would like me to cover next? Any new stuff you would like me to do at PE? Any suggestions for the site (whatever they are)? Please share them in the comments section! I’ll read every single comment and consider your suggestions duly. (It doesn’t mean whatever is suggested will be done, but I’ll definitely give them due thought.)

(The only request I’ll not attend to is regarding reopening of challenges section or anything to do with challenges. I’ve explained in detail why I closed down the section here: Closure of Challenges Section)

Okay, please post away! Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Related Posts:

• How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Suggestions
• How Can I Make Personal Excellence Better For You?

Following the previous recipe posts Delicious Veggie Vegan Wrap and Summer Fresh Salad, here’s a new one on oatmeal breakfast. It takes no more than 5 minutes to make (including preparation) and is both delicious and nutritious. It’s my breakfast staple every day.

6 Reasons To Eat Oatmeal

1. Low glycemic index.
• Glycemic index (GI) is an index (between 1-100) that measures the effect of a carbohydrate-containing food has on your blood sugar level after you consume it. The higher the GI, the higher your blood sugar rises. Foods with lower GIs are healthier as erratic blood sugar spikes increases risk of diabetes and heart diseases.
• GI of 70 and above is considered high. A lot of conventional breakfast items have high GI of 70-90 (bagels, muffins, bread, instant breakfast cereal, pancakes, waffles). Oatmeals have low GI, typically 50-60, depending on the type of oats you use.
2. Slow release carbohydrate. 
• If you want to lose weight, you want to go with food that releases its carbs slowly. Otherwise, the excess energy becomes stored as fat instantly. The low GI, protein and fat in oatmeal makes it a slow release carbohydrate.
3. Helps reduce cholesterol. 
• Oatmeal contains soluble fiber (beta-glucan) which removes LDL or “bad” cholesterol, while maintaining the good cholesterol that your body needs. Researchers believe that it’s because the soluble fiber sticks to cholesterol in your intestines and stops it from being absorbed. So instead of getting the cholesterol into your system (and arteries), you simply remove it as waste.
• Since the 1970s, there have been many studies that showed the impact of oatmeal on reducing blood pressure. The reductions seem to be due to the increase in fiber intake from eating oatmeal.
• American Dietetic Association recommends about 25-35g of fiber a day (soluble and insoluble), but Americans only consume about 10-15g of that a day. Depending on the kind of oatmeal you use, you can get anywhere from 1.5g to 10g of of dietary fiber. (Check the label before you buy it.)
• According to Wikipedia, rolled oats have long been a staple of many athletes’ diets, especially weight trainers; given oatmeal’s high content of complex carbohydrates and water-soluble fibre that encourages slow digestion and stabilizes blood-glucose levels.
4. Manages your appetite. Since oatmeal has low GI, it also manages your appetite. You don’t get weird sugar cravings after having it as breakfast.
5. Nutritious. Oatmeals are a good source of nutrients, including manganese, selenium, dietary fiber, magnesium, zinc and phosphorus.
6. Easy to prepare. Depending on the oats you use, it takes anywhere from 1 minute to 5 minutes to cook. Quick and easy!

Ingredients for Nutritious Oatmeal Breakfast (<300 calories)

1. Oats. Either wholegrain oats or whole oats (steel cut oats, thick oats, wholegrain oat groats) works fine. The less processed the oats are, the longer they take to cook. Whole oats are less processed than wholegrain oats so they take longer. Don’t go for the flavored instant oatmeal packs. Those have a lot of added sugar. When in doubt, check the ingredients – there shouldn’t be any additives. (I’m currently using the Quaker Oatmeal (Smooth & Creamy) but it’s a bit too processed for my tastes, so I think I’m going to switch after I’m done with it.)
2. Flaxseed powder. Flax seeds contain high levels of dietary fiber as well as lignans, an abundance of micronutrients and omega-3 fatty acids (table). There have been many reported nutritious benefits of flaxseeds and it is a great addition to a healthy diet. You can get them at any supermarket – check the dried goods section.
3. Soy milk. Or dairy milk if that’s what you prefer. I take soy as I’m vegan. If you use the unsweetened version, you can add your sweetener of choice. (see #4)
4. Sweetener. Whichever sweetener you like – agave, maple syrup, brown sugar. (I’m currently using unrefined brown sugar.)
5. Miscellaneous. As per your discretion. Get creative! Raisins, cinnamon powder, nuts and seeds are all ingredients you can add. I keep it simple so I don’t add the extra stuff. The more you add, the more calories it is though, so do it in moderation.

Step 1: Put the ingredients together (3 min)

Grab your pot.

1. Put 1 serving of oats. That’s about 35g or 40g, depending on the oats you use.
2. Add 1 tablespoon (flat) flaxseed powder, which is about 5g.
3. Add 100ml of soy milk.
4. Add your sweetener. I add 1.5 tablespoons (flat) of brown sugar.
5. Add a little bit of water, about 1 part to every 3 parts soy milk.

Wholegrain oats, uncooked

Mixture with wholegrain oats, flaxseed powder, soy milk, brown sugar and water

Step 2: Heat up the mixture (2-3 min)

Heat the pot up in a stove. Set it on low heat.

Stir the mixture so the heat is distribute evenly.

After 30 seconds, you should see the mixture bubbling slowly. That means it’s done – turn off the heat. If you’re using whole oats, it will take a few minutes longer to boil as the oats still contain their endosperm, bran and germ.

Do not leave the heat on beyond this point or you’ll end up with charred oatmeal and a pot with heavily charred residue that’s nearly impossible to remove!

Cooking oatmeal on low heat. You should end up with a gooey texture when you are done.

Step 3: Serve!

Pour it into a bowl, get your spoon, and you’re ready to tuck in! I usually wait for about 5-10 minutes for it to cool before I eat.

Enjoy the nice chewy texture, fragrant smell and light taste.

And this sums up the oatmeal breakfast recipe!! Isn’t it simple?? Bon appetite!!

Oatmeal breakfast – with wholegrain oats

Oatmeal breakfast – with whole oats. Notice that the oat grains are still in tact.

Nutrition Snapshot

• Oats (35g): 129 calories, 5g protein
• Flaxseed (5g; 1 tbspn): 25 calories, 1g protein
• Soy milk (100ml): 39 calories, 4g protein
• Brown sugar (6g; 1.5 tbspn): 24 calories, 0g protein
• Total: 262 calories, 12g protein (< 300 calories!)

Let me know how your experience goes preparing this breakfast and whether you like it!

Related Posts:

• Recipe: Delicious Veggie Vegan Wrap
• Interview: Brownice – Vegan Ice Cream Like No Other
• Interview: Delcie’s Desserts – Delicious, Healthy Vegan Delights
• Interview: Salad Stop! – Providing a Healthy and Tasty Meal Alternative for Modern People
• Raw Recipe: Summer Fresh Salad

Do you have a set of principles which you live by in life? Wouldn’t it be great if you have a manual with a list of life principles to live by?

In today’s article, I’d like to share the 101 important life principles to live by every day. Many of the principles listed are lessons which I learned at one point or another. This list complements the other 101 sister lists we have at PE to date, such as 101 Ways To Live Life To Fullest, 101 Ways To Be a Better Person and 101 Important Questions To Ask Yourself in Life. In a way, this life principles list is a repurposing of the principles conveyed in the other lists as adages to follow every day.

Don’t diminish this list just because there are 101 points, because every single one of them is important. I recommend you to bookmark this list, read 2-3 principles each week, digest them, then return the next week to pick out another 2-3 principles to ponder over.

Keep doing that until you are done with the 101 life principles, after which  you will probably see new meaning behind the principles you have read before. That’s because these life principles are timeless lessons with bottomless depths. I continually find new layers of meaning behind each principle no matter how many times I acknowledge it.

I now present to you the 101 life principles:

1. Ability: is more of a function of the time you spend honing your craft, rather than a result of what you were born with. Read: 10,000 Hours To Develop Talent
   
2. Abundance: We live in a world of abundance. There are unlimited wealth and unlimited opportunities for everyone. So don’t worry about whether you can succeed in something and focus on how to succeed in it.
3. Action: is a necessary part of success.
4. “And”, not “Or”: It’s not about choosing Option A or Option B. It’s about Option C – an option you create which has everything you want, and more.
5. Anger: is the most volatile form of emotion you can ever burden yourself with. Every bit of anger you hold on to damages your soul. Whenever you feel angry, remember that the person you are hurting is yourself.
6. Annoyances: Everything that annoys you mirrors something inside you. Rather than look outward for the solution, look inside to understand where that annoyance is coming from. Read: Day 22: Mirror an Annoyance, Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program
7. Attachment: only causes anguish in the long run because nothing is permanent in this world. Don’t mourn over the loss of something. Be happy that it happened instead. Principle #10 of 10 Surefire Ways To Be Unhappy in Life
   
8. Awareness: is the first step to the resolution of any problem.
9. Beauty: Physical beauty is great but it doesn’t last. Inner beauty, on the other hand, stands the test of time. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t improve our physical beauty – we should focus on being beautiful, both on the inside and out.
10. Beauty, #2: There is no one standard of beauty. Beauty comes in all shapes, all sizes, all forms, all colors. You are beautiful as you are. Stop trying to conform to the image of beauty constructed by the society and embrace the beauty that is you.
11. Being yourself: It is better to be a first rate version of yourself than a second rate version of someone else. (Judy Garland)
12. Beliefs: Your beliefs affect your life more than you think they do. If you want to have the best life experience you can ever have, switch out your disempowering beliefs with empowering ones.
13. Beliefs, #2: Half the things you say are usually more to do with your internal beliefs and issues than to do with other people.
14. Blame: Whenever you point a finger at someone else, there are 4 other fingers pointing back at you.
15. Business: In business, being the cog in the system also means you are the clog in the system. Learn to have your business run without you, be it via automating or outsourcing. Even if you still want to work on your business after that, that’s fine – it’s important that you work on the business and not in the business. Read: Million Dollar Tip #4: Scale Up Your Work
    
16. Change: Just because you have realized something doesn’t mean the world around you will change right away. It takes time for your thoughts to ripple out and effect the reality because the physical world is denser than the spiritual one. So don’t be hung up with what’s on the outside but stay true to what’s inside you. Be focused. (Refer to #33: Focus)
17. Change that lasts: It’s better to create sustainable change than change that is quick but does not last. Stop going for the easy way out. Learn how to create lasting change instead.
18. Changing people: You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself.
19. Comparing: There is no need to compare because everyone is different. Your goal is not to be like others but to be yourself. Stop comparing with others and focus on being yourself instead. (See #11)
20. Competition: The only competition you have is yourself.
21. Conditional things: Something that is conditional can never stand the test of time. For example, if your partner wants to be with you only if you do X, Y and Z, whereby X, Y and Z are not things that you believe in. Or say, if a parent will only love his child if he aces his exams. These are relationships rooted in fear and not what you want to be a part of.
22. Confidence: is a quality that comes from knowing oneself. It can’t be manufactured regardless of how many material objects you own or what statuses you have. Read: How To Be The Most Confident Person In The World
    
23. Criticism: helps you to become better. Rather than reject it, celebrate it. Read: How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Suggestions
24. Criticism, #2: Receiving criticism means what you are doing is worthwhile enough for people to critique on. One will not criticize unless he/she feels he/she has a stake in it. The more criticism you get, the better, because that means you are doing something of real value and worth.
25. Cynics, Skeptics, and Pessimists: are not worth arguing with. They are negative time bombs waiting to go off. You will only end up (more) bitter, damaged, and upset at the end of the exchange. Read: How To Deal With Energy Vampires: 8 Simple Tips | Manifesto version
26. Death: is part and parcel of life. With every death comes a new birth; with every birth comes an eventual death. Don’t mourn the dead. Celebrate the fact that they lived.
27. Death, #2: There is nothing to fear about death for it happens to everyone. Rather than fear death, focus on living your best life instead. Read: Do You Dread Growing Older?
28. Doing everything alone: You can’t accomplish everything by yourself. Even if you do, you can never accomplish as much as compared to if you had the help of others. Involve others in your goals. Delegate, outsource, and hire where applicable. Ask for help when you need to.
29. Escaping: has never solved any problem for anyone. The moment you decide to face your problems is the moment you gain power over your life. (See #78)
30. Failure: is a necessary part of success. Every great success is almost always preceded by a great failure. It’s more important that you learn from your failure(s) and harness the lesson(s) so you can achieve your next success. Read: How To Start When You Have Nothing
31. Fear: is a disempowering emotion to live with. Your real self is not filled with fear. Discard it and you will be set free. Read: How To Overcome Fear (3-part series)
    
32. Fear, #2: No matter how much fear you have, your fear can be conquered with love. (By love, I’m referring to universal love, not specifically romantic love.)
33. Focus: is what happens when you stop letting yourself get distracted by the unimportant things.
34. Force: You can’t force things to happen if they are not meant to be. There is a time and place for everything. You can only do what you can and let the universe take care of the rest.
35. Forgiveness: isn’t about forgiving other people. It’s really about forgiving yourself. To quote Lewis Smedes, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Read: Day 25: Forgive Yourself, Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program
36. Friendships: A friendship is a bond between two like-minded souls. If there are friends you no longer feel an affinity for, perhaps it’s time to let the friendships go and work on building new friendships. Read: Why I Parted Ways With My Best Friend of 10 Years and How To Have More Best Friends in Life: The Heartfelt Guide
37. Frustration: makes you feel bad and doesn’t help you solve your problem. Release the frustration in you and work on the issues instead. Read: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way
    
38. Fulfillment: You create a more fulfilling life by giving attention to the good things, not the bad things; by celebrating the good stuff, not whining about the bad stuff; by working on things that you love, not doing the things that you hate.
39. Future: You can’t control the future, but you can affect the present moment. If you want to have a better future, create it. (Check out inspirational quotes on the Future.)
40. Generosity: Being generous doesn’t deprive you. When you are generous to others, you subsequently receive more into your life. Read: Are You Emotionally Generous?
41. Giving and Receiving: Rather than think about what you can receive (whether from people or from the universe), think about what you can give to others.
42. Growth: Always challenge yourself to reach greater heights. There is always room to be better, regardless of who you are or what you have done. Be attached to the notion of growth, not an end state.
43. Habits: Your habits make you who you are. Excellent habits give you an excellent life. Read: Cultivate Life Transforming Habits in 21 Days
44. Happiness: is the result of doing what brings you joy. It is not a goal to be achieved. Rather than focus on being happy (for the sake of being happy), do what makes you happy instead. Read: How To Be Happy: 10 Timeless Principles for Lasting Happiness
    
45. Haste: Sometimes, more haste leads to less speed. Being in a hurry can lead to more mistakes compared to if you were not.
46. Humility: will earn you more respect, acknowledgment and recognition than arrogance ever will. There’s no need to be a show off. If you are really good at what you do, it will automatically show through your accomplishments.
47. Ideals: are good but don’t let them stop you from living in the present. They are meant to inspire you and give you a direction to move toward so that you can maximize your present moment (not to take you away from living in it).
48. Improving: If you think you can’t improve any further in something, then you are just not aware of your areas for improvement.
49. Individuality: Everyone is different. Accept that each and every person is unique. Stop imposing expectations on people.
50. Inspiration: comes from being in the state of flow. If you’re not feeling inspired, you’re not in a state of flow.
51. Intuition: When in doubt, follow your intuition. It will guide you to where you need to be.
52. Intuition and Logic: Contrary to popular belief, intuition and logic are not at odds with each other – they go hand-in-hand. Hone your analytical mind through constant thinking. Cultivate your intuition by listening to your gut. They will be the biggest tools you have at your disposal.
53. Jealousy: is what happens when you resent someone’s success. But you don’t have to, because you are capable of achieving that same level of success, and more.
54. Judgement: Judging people doesn’t make you a better person. It only makes you an ugly one.
55. Laughter: Perhaps a little cliche, but laughter is one of the best medicines for the soul. When’s the last time you had a good laugh? If you haven’t been laughing/smiling/grinning for a while, maybe you have been too stifled in your life. Go do something that makes you loosen up and laugh out loud.
56. Let go: Sometimes you have to let go of what you have now in order to move forward. Read: Day 28: Let Go, Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program
57. Let go, #2: If there is something you can’t let go of, dig deeper. There is probably something in you waiting to be uncovered. Read: Ask Celes – Is It Possible To Let Go of Unhappy Past Forever? and How To Move On From a Relationship (5-part series)
    
58. Life: is an experience that you actively create, not something you wait around to “happen”.
59. Limits: The only limit in life is yourself. No one’s stopping you from becoming better and achieving more except yourself. To reach greater heights, identify your limits and remove them accordingly.
60. Love: isn’t something you deliberately seek out. It’s something that happens when you follow your life path, become the right person, and meet that right person along your life’s journey.
61. Low consciousness people: If you do not want to be affected by people of low consciousness, simply raise your consciousness to a level where you are safe from them. Read: Map of Consciousness
    
62. Low consciousness people, #2: Low consciousness people hold you back from reaching greater heights. These include energy vampires, critical people, dishonest characters, and people with temperament issues. Let them go from your life and send them love as you do that.
63. Material objects: are just tools to help you enjoy your life. You do not carry them with you when you die. So, don’t invest yourself in them. Rather, invest yourself in the development of your consciousness. Read: Materialism Breeds Unhappiness
64. Meaning of life: is up to you to create. You can either treat life like it has no meaning or see it as this amazing opportunity that the universe has blessed you with. Read: Discover Your Purpose in the Next 30 Minutes
    
65. Mistakes: are there to help you learn more about yourself. Don’t be hung up about the mistakes you make. Don’t be afraid of making (more) mistakes either. Be hungry about the lessons they embody.
66. Money: is a symbol of value exchange between people. The amount of money you earn is simply a representation of the value you are giving to others. To earn more money, simply create more value for others.
67. Motivation: comes naturally when you do what you love.
68. Nasty people: There is always something good in everyone – even in the nastiest of people. It’s up to you to recognize that.
69. Nasty people, #2: The nastiest of people are also the unhappiest of people. Be kind to them because they are the ones who need your love the most.
70. Obstacles: The obstacles that lie between you and your goals are not there to stop you from reaching your goals. They are there to stop the people who don’t want them enough. (Original quote by Randy Pausch. Watch his commencement speech at Carnegie Mellon: 10 Powerful and Inspiring Graduation Speeches You Don’t Want To Miss (#3 on the list))
71. Opportunities: don’t come knocking on your door just by virtue of you doing nothing. You can either passively wait for opportunities to fall onto your lap or actively create them yourself.
72. Passion: If you aren’t following your passion, you have nothing to lose. Seriously. If you have to work for at least 2/3s of your life, you might as well base it off your passion. Stop letting yourself be hung up by fear and start pursuing your dreams. Read: How To Overcome Fear Of Loss And Pursue Your Dreams and Passion or Money?
    
73. Past: You can’t change the past; it has happened and it is what it is. Fixating on it isn’t going to get you anywhere. You can only change the present to create a better future.
74. People you dislike: Your life is limited, so spend it around people you like.
75. Pleasing other people: When you live a life trying to please others, you end up not living a life at all. You are just living others’ lives under the facade of your life.
76. Positivity: If you want to have more positivity in your life, start by being more positive yourself. Spot the silver lining behind every dark cloud. Recognize the strengths of the people you are with. See the good side of everything you have.
77. Possibilities: We live in a world of possibilities. Anything you have ever dreamed of, imagined, or wished for, is possible, as long as you set your heart and soul to it.
78. Power: You have all the power in you to do everything you ever want, and more. So start doing what you want and let the power in you emerge.
79. Procrastination: is a sign of a bigger issue. Stop trying to fix your procrastination as a problem and start thinking about why you are procrastinating in the first place. Read: How To Overcome Procrastination (5-part series)
    
80. Progress: Celebrate how far you’ve come, and not how much you have yet to achieve. The former will empower you to greatness, while the latter is rooted in fear and only serves to hold you back from greatness.
81. Priorities: Know what matters to you and work on them. These are the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life. Read: Put First Things First
82. Lead by example: If you want to initiate change, lead by example. Words can only do so much. A living example shows everything.
83. Reality: Just like how the kind of fruit a tree bears is a result of the seed it is sown from, your external reality is merely a reflection of your internal beliefs. Change your beliefs and your reality will follow suit. (See #12)
84. Regret: is what happens when you are stuck with the impression that you did (or didn’t do) something you wish you didn’t (or did). But you can’t change the past; no one can. Milk that is spilt can’t be unspilt. Stop living in the past and start living in the present.

    (More inspirational quotes at Personal Excellence Quotes)

85. Relationships: A relationship is a bond between two dynamic individuals. It should be actively created between the parties involved, and not something you base off of norms and other relationships. Don’t impose expectations on your relationships; nurture them and let them come into their own. Read: How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents (series)
86. Resistance: The more you resist something, the more it will persist.
87. Respect: Everyone, no matter who, deserves respect. If you want others to respect you, it’s important you respect them first.
88. Responsibility: Nobody is responsible for your life. You are. If you don’t take responsibility for your life, no one will. The day you stop pushing blame onto others is the day your life is going to turn around. Read: You are the CEO of Your Life
    
89. Results: The results you get in life are a function of the actions you take. The more actions you take, the more results you will see.
90. Root cause: Behind every occurrence is a root cause. Dig for the root cause and address that. Read: Create Real Change In Life: Address Root Cause vs. Effects
91. Seeking love: If you are desperately seeking love, perhaps there’s something inside you that’s blocking you from seeing it. Because love is everywhere, around you, and in you. There’s no need to seek love so much as you just need to be aware of its presence . You are the product of love. You are the biggest source of love. You live in a world of love. Read: 8 Tips on Attracting Authentic Love Into Your Life
92. Settling: Settling is for losers. Don’t ever, ever, settle for something less than your ideal. Your ideal is yours to have. Fight for it.
93. Spite: When you try to spite other people, you are really just hurting yourself. The people you are trying to spite may not care. In fact, they may not even know how hung up you are over them. All you are doing is just acting out a self-created story and script in your mind.
94. Success: Success is the result of being great at what you do. Being great at what you do is the result of hard work. Hard work is the result of determination, persistence, and relentless focus.
95. Success, #2: There is no such thing as an overnight success. Every success you see, even if it seemingly quick, is the result of long periods of hard work that took place long before the point of success.
96. Time: is a construct created by man so we can have structure in our lives. You become a slave to time when you always think in terms of the time you have and what you should do rather than of results and outputs. Rather than try to manage time, work on self-management and activity management. Read: Become the Master of Your Time
    
97. Truth: It is always better to tell the truth because you stay clean that way. When you tell a lie, you live a lie forever. Not only that, you almost always have to cover it up with new lies. It is a cycle that never ends.
98. Unhappiness: 100% of the unhappiness you experience in your life is a product of your thoughts. If you want to be happy, then make a conscious choice to be happy. (See #44) Read: How To Be Unhappy: 10 Surefire Ways To Be Unhappy in Life
99. Vengeance: is an act of force/fear that doesn’t solve the problem. Look at the history of mankind and the wars that were waged. Go with the path of love, not fear/vengeance/force.
100. What’s meant to be: If something is meant to be, it will happen (provided you do your part in making it happen). The more tightly you try to grab on to something, the more it will slip away. It’s just like trying to grab sand – it slips through the cracks of your fingers regardless how tightly you grab it.
101. Yourself: Don’t do things for others; do them for yourself.

How about you? Do you have any life principles to share with the readers? Feel free to do that in the comments section.

This is a timeless guide, so be sure to bookmark it. Share this with your friends and family via the social media buttons below.

Other Articles in the 101 Series

If you like this post, you’ll love the other posts in the 101 series:

1. 101 Things To Do Before You Die
2. 101 Most Inspiring Quotes of All Time
3. 101 Important Questions To Ask Yourself
4. 101 Ways To Live Life To The Fullest
5. 101 Ways To Be a Better Person

Side Update

After frequent down times on my previous web host (which is a fantastic host, by the way – I just don’t know what happened during my last VPS upgrade), I finally made the leap to a new host, Servint. Totally loving it – PE is now loading faster than I’ve ever seen and no more sudden outages like it used to have. I totally recommend Servint for anyone looking for VPS or dedicated hosting solutions, and Host Gator for those looking for shared hosting. Here’s to a faster surfing experience at PE! Hope you guys like the new shift!

Images: Sunrise, Girl behind grass, Fearful girl, Blue sky, Desert, Spilt milk, CEO, Watch; Other images: Shutterstock

Related Posts:

• 101 Ways To Live Your Life To The Fullest
• [Manifesto] The Self-Reflection Manifesto
• [Manifesto] 101 Things To Do Before You Die
• In Remembrance of Steve Jobs: 11 Life Lessons We Can Learn From Him
• How To Be a Better Person: 101 Ways

Relapse, verb -

1. to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc.: to relapse into silence.
2. to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery.
3. to fall back into vice, wrongdoing, or error; backslide: to relapse into heresy.

A common view of relapses is that the start of the relapse is when you fall back into your former state of being.

For example, for an alcoholic, his relapse starts when he takes his first sip after a period of sobriety. For someone diagnosed with clinical depression, his relapse starts with the onset of his depression. For a smoker, his relapse starts when he takes his first puff (after a long break). For an emotional eater, his relapse begins when he has a binge attack after a period of healthy eating.

This view is good in that it helps you to categorize the periods when you are “down” and the periods when you are “clean”. It helps you to work toward the goal of becoming “clean” – clean of the addiction, clean of the bad habit, or clean of the bad practice. This is the objective of rehabilitation clinics – to help you be clean and stay clean.

However, the problem with this view is that it only looks at the physical occurrence of the relapse without considering the big picture. The reality is that the point when one falls back into one’s old behavior isn’t the start of the relapse – it is actually the end of the relapse. The issues that contribute to the negative behavior have probably been present for a while before the relapse manifested itself. It’s just that they were hidden below the surface, and hence not observable.

Understanding How Relapses Occur

Let me do a breakdown of a relapse process so you know what I mean. I’ll use the example of drinking, though this applies to any other “relapse”-type situations, like emotional eating, junk food eating, smoking, depression, slipping into bad habits, losing grip of good habits (say exercising, healthy eating, waking early, consistent studying), bad temper, overwhelm from stress, and so on.

Jane has a drinking problem. She is not an alcoholic, but she drinks a lot, sometimes uncontrollably. She knows that drinking is not good for her and she wants to stop drinking permanently.

So she starts turning to healthier beverages, such as water, real fruit juices and green juices. She removes all alcoholic drinks from her house. She stops going to parties where there are people drinking, so she will not be tempted. She stocks her home with fresh natural fruits so she can blend her own drinks. She switches over to this new, healthy  habit with relative ease.

Occasionally she thinks about drinking. This ranges from a fleeting thought to an overwhelming urge. But since there are no drinks in her home, she has nothing to drink even when she wants to. She either suppresses the urge or forces herself to go to sleep. This continues for the next few weeks.

After 1 month of sobriety, she is invited to a party one day. She thought: “I’ve been doing so well in the past month. I should be alright in this party.” As it turns out, she decides to have a sip of wine while she is there, so that she does not stick out like a sore thumb. A sip turns to a glass, which turns to 2 glasses, then 3 glasses, then 4 and 5. She gets back to drinking after that, since she has already ruined her sobriety. This goes on for a short while before she tries to be sober again.

Here, it looks like the relapse happened during the party. However, the relapse happened way before that – probably some time before the first thoughts of drinking surfaced in her mind.

Even though Jane technically did not drink during those moments, the surfacing of those thoughts suggested she was losing control of the situation. However, she did not do anything about those thoughts – instead ignoring the signs and occupying herself with other things. In the end, the issue became compounded and she ended her sobriety. It looked like the “relapse” could have been easily avoided if she did not attend her party, but the slip was already a long time coming. Attending the party was merely the final straw.

By the time she had her first sip, the situation was already too far gone for her to do anything about it. The mental floodgates were wide open and the water was gushing everywhere. All she could do was merely ride on the waves and act out her urges.

This brings to mind this Chinese fable I read when I was young. Two groups of animals were doing a tug-of-war and it was a tie between them. The rat joined Team A which tipped the scales in the team’s favor and they ended up winning. When the rat tried to claim credit for the victory, the other animals corrected him by saying it was a team work effort. He wasn’t the sole reason for the victory. If he was the lone member in Team A doing the tug-of-war with Team B, he would never have won.

The point at which Jane could have remedied the situation would be right at the beginning, when the thoughts first surfaced. Why were the thoughts of drinking surfacing in her mind? What did they represent? Did she do something that triggered those thoughts? What could she do about that? These are questions she should have reflected on right there and then.

In doing so, she would have nipped the problem in the bud and prevented herself from a crazy blood bath later on. If the thoughts were to resurface again later on, it was merely a sign of an impending relapse and there was more steps to be taken to properly recover. Her thoughts would serve as a helpful indicator to prevent the actual, physical relapse – rather than waiting until it was too late to fix the situation.

Example: Emotional Eating

Let me use another example, which is my emotional eating. I have written extensively about my emotional eating issues in How To Overcome Emotional Eating (6-part series), which I recommend you to read if you have difficulty sticking to healthy eating patterns.

Looking back at my past emotional eating episodes, they could be described as sudden frenzies of uncontrollable eating, usually of junk food, that tainted my healthy eating endeavors. They tended to occur at night and would last for the next couple of days until I got a hold of myself and “restarted” my eating by starting anew the next day. Before these bingeing episodes though, I would usually be eating perfectly healthy meals with no problem at all.

If I was to perceive the bingeing episodes as the issue, I would be locking all the food in cabinets every night – and perhaps even be sleeping early every day so I wouldn’t run the risk of bingeing at night. However, this would not solve anything because firstly, I could not lock away all the food in my household – there was too much food. And it was not like I could do that without affecting others – I lived (and still live) with my parents and brother. Secondly, logic would be thrown out of the window during my frenzy EE moments. If I were to lock the food in cabinets (which I never did because it was pointless like I said previously), I could easily unlock them. Even if I managed to to control myself and not unlock the cabinets, I could easily walk to a 24-hour store and buy food, usually the worse kinds, to eat.

Clearly, the bingeing episodes were not the issue as much as they were only a reflection of an underlying issue.

In My Journey with Emotional Eating, Part 1: Food as a Symbol of Love, I shared that a big part of my emotional eating was the result of seeing food as a symbol of love. Hence, whenever I binge ate in the past, it was because I lacked love (self-love). It was not specifically the point when I binge ate that this happened though – It was the compounded effect of forcing myself to do things, depriving myself, being harsh on myself, and neglecting my needs throughout the day(s) that eventually led me to “slip” and binge eat at night.

The “relapse”, the bingeing, was in the making long before the first uncontrollable bite occurred. That first bite merely represented the point at which my conscious self was no longer able to hold things together anymore – during which the problem then spilled over to reality.

By recognizing this, I was able to identify the points at which the real relapse for my emotional eating began – which would be the times when I neglected my needs and made myself do things I didn’t want to. By working on that, I was then able to address my emotional eating issue.

How To Prevent a Relapse: Recognize When It Really Begins

Most people with addiction problems check into rehabilitation clinics when their addictions resurface. However, that’s when the problem is too far gone. They should be looking for help long before that.

When you only wait until your relapse occurs before you fix the issue, that’s way too late. Not only do you have to fix the problem, you have to deal with the sticky aftermath of the situation, and the disappointment of having a relapse. Secondly, you have to chase the problem at its tail, rather than getting a leg up on the issue. Last but not least, you don’t deal with the root of the issue, but rather, its effect.

Trace Your Relapses

Think about a bad habit or practice you have which you have been trying to remove.

Now, consider the following questions:

1. When’s the last time you did that?
2. Tracing back, when do you think the relapse really started?
3. What can you do to prevent this bad habit or practice from occurring in the future?

Related Posts:

• Thin You, “Meet” Not-Thin You
• [Manifesto] 12 Indicative Signs of Emotional Eating
• [Manifesto] 21 Tips To Wake Up Early
• 11 Blatant Reasons Why You Are Fat (And Will Continue To Be)
• How To Stop Emotional Eating, A Crucial Guide, Part 2: Rebuilding a Healthy Relationship with Food

Have you ever provided suggestions which were subsequently ignored?

Have you ever provided critiques which were not well received?

Have you ever wanted to provide constructive feedback on something, but held back from doing so because you did not know how to convey your intentions across?

Today’s guide is on how to give constructive criticism to someone. Whether at work or in relationships, sharing (and receiving) feedback is part and parcel of improvement. If you have ideas on how someone can improve, don’t hold your ideas back – rather, share them in a constructive manner. (Provided the subject is something the person has asked to receive feedback on. Otherwise, you are merely imposing your judgment on others.)

1. Use the Feedback Sandwich method

The feedback sandwich method is a popular method of giving feedback. It is often used in Toastmasters and in the corporate environment.

The way it works is this – your feedback process is broken down into 3 segments. You start off by giving praise – talking about what you like about the item in question. Then, you provide the criticism – things you didn’t like. Lastly, you round off the feedback with (a) a reiteration of the positive comments you gave at the beginning and (b) the positive results that can be expected if the criticism is acted upon.

The analogy with a sandwich is made because you wedge your criticism between an opening and an ending – like a patty is wedged between two buns.

The sandwich method is effective because by starting off with the positive comments, you let the receiver know that you are on his/her side and you are not there to attack him/her. It also recognizes the things that the receiver is doing right, rather than talking only about the improvement areas, which can come across as being insensitive and rude – especially if there is no established rapport between both of you to begin with. The receiver then becomes more receptive to your critique.

After sharing about the things you didn’t like or things you felt can be improved, you want to round off the feedback with more positives, because it helps to leave the receiver at a high note, rather than leave him/her dangling with a sour taste in his/her mouth. It also reminds the receiver of what he/she is doing right and reinforces the payoffs of acting upon the criticism.

The sandwich method is most appropriate when it comes to (a) giving criticism to people you don’t know or don’t know well (b) critiquing something to someone who does not know your opinions on the subject. Over time though, after you have established a strong rapport with the person and the person knows your stance on the topic, you can jump straight to the critique itself.

2. Focus on the situation, not the person

When critiquing, focus on the situation on hand, not the person.

Example #1: Giving feedback on a person’s dressing style

• Bad example: “You’re too old-fashioned. You are always wearing granny clothes that makes you look so old and boring.” - While probably said with good intentions, this feedback is not exactly constructive. It makes a personal attack and makes it seem like he/she is the problem.
• Good example: ’From my recollection, the clothes I’ve seen you wear before tend to be dull in colors and dated relative to current trends. While there is nothing wrong with that, it makes one come across as older in age and disinterested in one’s personal image.” - The situation is detached from the person. Critique is given on the situation itself.

Example #2: Giving feedback on a person’s character trait

• Bad example: “You’re always so negative. It’s so draining to be around you.” - Like Example #1, this feedback makes a personal attack at the person. It also does not tell the person what he/she can do, which makes it unconstructive.
• Good feedback: “There have been times when I was hurt by the comments you gave as they were somewhat demeaning. For example, the last time I bought my new bag, one of the comments you gave was that it was an ugly bag. That took me by surprise and I was quite sad that day.” - While it’s tricky to give constructive criticism when it comes to someone’s personality, it is successfully accomplished here by separating the person’s actions (that makes him/her negative) from the person him/herself. This then makes it easy to critique the behavior without offending the person in question.

Here are some simple steps to apply this tip:

1. Firstly, detach the situation from the person. This distinction is crucial. Take the person out of the equation and focus on the behavior / action / situation / issue at hand.
2. Comment on the issue, not the person. For example, “The clothes are dirty” and not “You are dirty”. “The report is late” and not “You are late”. “The food is oily” and not “You are a bad cook”.
3. Don’t make personal attacks. Comments like “I’m so sick and tired of…” or “You’re so stupid / negative / lazy / unorganized / <insert negative adjective>” come across as accusatory.  Stay away from attacks.
4. Don’t use active voice; use passive voice. Example of active voice vs. passive voice: “You gave a bad presentation.” vs. “The presentation you gave was bad.” Notice that the passive voice shifts the attention away from the person and brings it to the subject matter.
5. Share how it affects you. Rather than go on and on about how bad the thing is, share how it affects you. This shifts the focus away from the person and onto yourself, which lets the person take a step back to evaluate the situation. It also gives him/her insight to where you are coming from.

3. Be specific with your feedback

I receive a lot of feedback in the course of running PE. I found that the more specific the person is when giving the feedback, the more actionable it is for me.

For example, here is an example of a vague feedback vs. a specific feedback (based on real feedback):

• Vague: “Hey Celes, I’d love it if you can write some articles on communication.”
• Specific: ”Hey Celes, don’t know if you’re taking suggestions but, if ever, I’d love some advice on public speaking.”

The first feedback is very broad – “communication” is a very general topic. To attempt to write an article on “communication” will result in a generic article with diffused tips, which will ultimately provide very weak value. It’s more feasible to write a sub-topic under “communication”, like “networking”, “body language”, or “public speaking”. However, there are so many sub-topics that picking one is a task in itself. While I can research on some good communication topics and narrow down the list from there, the topics I eventually choose may not be what the reader really wants to read.

With the second feedback, it is  more actionable because it is so specific. It tells me right away that “Hey, there’s a request for public speaking articles”, after which I can then plan for an article or series on public speaking. (Which I do intend to write about in the near future.) There is no confusion or second-guessing.

Here is another set of vague vs. specific feedback (hypothetical):

• Vague: “Good effort on the report but I didn’t like it. I think there is room for it to be better.” - Not very helpful. “Like” and “dislike” are subjective words. Unless objective criteria is used, it’s hard for the person to decipher what is the problem.
• Specific: “Good effort but there are some things which can be improved – namely, (a) the formatting (b) the final recommendations. The formatting is not standardized – there are some parts that uses Arial font and other parts that uses Times New Roman font. In a formal report, it is best to have a standardized font. For the final recommendations, the ideas are good but they are too brief, especially ideas #1 and #3. The management would need more data to make their assessment.” - Great feedback that is specific. It tells the receiver the 2 key problem areas, why they are problem areas, and specific examples where they appear.

How to make your feedback specific (and actionable):

1. Objectivity over subjectivity. Just saying “I don’t like it” is not helpful. On the other hand, stating the specific things you do not like, is helpful.
2. Break your feedback down into key points. Don’t give your feedback as one big lump. Break it down into various key points, then give your feedback point by point.
3. Give specific examples of each point. What are the exact situations or examples where the person exhibits the behaviors you highlighted in #2? Point them out. There is no need to highlight every single example – just pointing out 1-2 key examples per point will be sufficient. The intention here is to (a) bring the person’s awareness to things which he/she may be oblivious about (b) illustrate what you mean.

5. Give recommendations on how to improve

When all is said and done, it helps to give recommendations on what the person can do to improve.

Firstly, your recommendations will tie up your critique in a nice bow. Everyone has varying perspectives, which means every critique can be interpreted in different ways. Giving your recommendations will give the person a clear idea of what you have in mind. Secondly, giving recommendations provide a strong call-to-action. You want the person to take action on what you have shared, rather than procrastinate.

When giving recommendations, it helps (a) to be specific about the recommendations and (b) to briefly explain the rationale behind the recommendation.

• Weak recommendation: “The presentation is too long. Make it shorter.” - Not very helpful. Reducing the presentation time can be done via many ways – cutting out the points (which then compromises on the message), removing examples, talking faster, and so on. What exactly do you mean? Be more specific. (See #3.)
• Good recommendation: “Instead of 2-3 examples per point which detracts from the main message, limit 1 example to each point. This way, the presentation is more succinct and impactful. Doing this, the presentation length will easily be reduced from 30 minutes to 20 minutes.” - Great recommendation that is specific. Rationale is also provided which explains your point of view to the person.

6. Don’t make assumptions

Last but not least, when you provide criticism, do so within the domain of what you know (as fact) about the person and the subject in question. There’s no need to apply any assumptions. Not only does it make the person look bad, it also makes you look bad – especially when your assumption turns out to be wrong.

Below are examples to highlight the difference between giving  criticism and making an assumption:

Final Note

Be sure to check out the following related articles:

• 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People | Manifesto version
• 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life | Manifesto version
• Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program - Day 17: Get Feedback from Others
• Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program - Day 18: Reflect on a Criticism

Images: Color Pencil, Sticks in Hand, Magnifying Glass, Flower in Hand

Related Posts:

• [Manifesto] How To Deal With Critical People
• [Manifesto] How To Nay-say the Naysayers
• 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life
• 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People
• What To Do When Your Friends and Family are Unsupportive (of Your Goals)

Are you trying to find love? Are you looking for the special someone to fall onto your lap? Are you looking for someone to “sweep you off your feet”?

In today’s world, the notion of love has been very much romanticized, in part due to the media. Look at the number of ballads that flood the radio waves today. Every film and TV series always has some kind of romance story weaved into it as a hook, so as to keep viewers watching. Unrequited love and forbidden love stories are always big hits among the audience. There’s even a film genre specially catered for romance buffs - Rom-coms (otherwise known as Romantic comedy films), that highlights the typical story of how a girl meets a boy, falls in love, and overcomes difficulties to eventually be together.

Even good old fairy tales speak of love in a heavily dramatized fashion. We have the typical story of the princess and the prince who fall in love right away at first glance despite not knowing anything about each other, then get married a week later at a grand ball in the presence of the entire kingdom. We have the story of the princess who falls into an eternal slumber from a dark spell, only to wake up from true love’s first kiss (Sleeping Beauty). We have the story of the frog that transforms into a handsome prince upon receiving a kiss from his princess (The Frog Prince).

And then we have modern stories that continue to perpetuate such heavily dramatized tales of romance. There’s Twilight that speaks of love so grand that it trivializes the meaning of life and becomes the only thing which one should live for. There’s The Vampire Diaries, a supernatural drama on The CW that focuses on a love triangle between the female lead and 2 vampire brothers of over 160 years old. And who can forget Titantic, the 1997 epic romantic disaster film that took half the world by storm when it was released.

No wonder everyone in our society today is constantly obsessing about finding love and holding skewed expectations on what a relationship should be. Dating businesses have blossomed over the years. Online dating, dating services, and matchmaking agencies are increasingly prevalent. There are even PUA (pickup artist) communities created just to strategize how to meet, attract, and seduce women (and sometimes men).

Fear-Based Love vs. Authentic Love

I believe in love. I believe in love that’s grand, that’s unconditional, that’s selfless, that’s transcendental, that’s magnificent. I believe love can make someone a better person than who he/she is capable of becoming by him/herself. I believe that love is one of the best things one can experience in life. I also believe that love is the greatest force of humankind.

However, a lot of “love” we see today is prideful love that is based on fear, and not real love. This includes the love often depicted in the media, as well as the relationships that people get whirled into. Clear-cut examples are relationships that become physically abusive. Not-so-clear-cut examples are emotionally abusive relationships. Relationships where people try to be someone they are not just so their partners will love them. Dating situations where people engage in manipulative actions just to make the other party interested in them, rather than focusing on higher level connection factors.  Relationships that people get into, despite not really liking the other party, so that they won’t end up being alone.

Read: Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship | Manifesto version

While there are cases where fear-based relationships blossom into real relationships based on love, fear-based motivations aren’t exactly the best reasons to get into a relationship. A lot of time, these relationships only serve as patches to the issues people are going through. Rather than work through their issues, they turn to their relationships as the holy grail that will solve everything. And they become surprised when they find out that’s not the case at all; when their relationships turn out to be a different deal from what they had imagined them to be.

Examples of Fear-Based Motivations for a Relationship

What are examples of fear-based motivations for “love” then? When someone looks for a relationship because he/she…

• …feels empty
• …feels lonely
• …is afraid to be alone / does not want to be alone
• …is afraid he/she is never able to find someone for him/herself
• …wants to conform to the society’s expectations
• …wants to conform to his/her parents’ expectations
• …feels unhappy / miserable
• …feels unloved
• …wants to be loved… by someone
• …wants to feel worthy
• …wants to be protected
• …wants to be complete
• …wants to have a partner he/she can “show off” to his/her friends
• …just wants to be with someone (for the sake of being with someone / being in a relationship)

Unfortunately, the list above probably describes about 99.9% of people who are out there trying to find love today.

Why It Is Bad When You Seek a Relationship Out of Fear

Why is it bad when you seek out a relationship with fear-based intentions?

Firstly, when you seek out a relationship with fear-based intentions, that’s the exact vibe you send out to the universe – fear. You end up attracting fear-based people and ultimately, a fear-based relationship.

What are some examples of fear-based people? People who are unhappy with themselves. People who are insecure with who they are and seek relationships as a way to secure their worth. People with a lot of unprocessed emotional issues. People who manipulate. People who do things behind your back. People who worry about nothing all day long. People who do not treat you with the kind of respect you deserve.

You wonder why you are not meeting someone desirable, and the real reason is because you have been approaching the relationship area of your life with the wrong intentions – thereby missing the whole point of being with someone altogether.

Secondly, when you seek out a relationship out of fear, you carry your fears into the relationship. Not only do your original problems not get resolved, they surface as other problems during the course of a relationship.

I knew someone who had low esteem issues and he turned to relationships as his way of coping with feelings of loneliness. He thought being with someone was the answer to the problem. Not only did his relationships not solve his loneliness issues (which stemmed from lack of self-worth), he turned into a very clingy partner each time. He frequently got into arguments with each relationship partner over his insecurity of the person’s for him, even though his partner never did anything for him to be insecure about. As you can see, he sought out relationships to address his self-esteem issues and he still ended up feeling insecure even when he was with someone.

There are often people who end up in relationships with the same issues over and over (abusive partners, partners who don’t treat them with respect, emotionally unavailable partners, partners who are too needy, etc) and it’s the same reason, actually – these people have (a) unresolved emotional issues (b) turned to relationships as a way to fix those issues, which caused the problem to repeat over and over again. When these people break up with their partners and move on to another relationship, they aren’t moving on in reality  - they are merely carrying over their issues from one relationship to the next. It’s like a never-ending cycle. They may think that there’s something wrong  with the people they got together with, but it is really more to do with them than anyone else.

(Read How To Break Out Of Recurring Patterns In Life, exclusive article in Personal Excellence Book Volume 2.)

Thirdly, when you seek out a relationship out of fear, you impose a lot of expectations on your partner and the relationship – which have nothing to do with your partner nor the relationship at all.

The thing is, your partner is a real person whom you should be creating the relationship with, not some placeholder you just slot into your life to replace the missing gaps and fulfill everything you’ve ever wanted. In the end, you become majorly disappointed when things don’t progress the way you want. You may even drive away perfectly good potential relationship partners because of your fears and insecurities.

“Finding” Love: 8 Gentle Pointers For Those Seeking Love

What that means is if you want to attract the right kind of people and the healthy kind of relationships, you want to be approach “love” for right reasons, and not for fear-based ones. Here is a list of 8 important things to note when it comes to finding love in life. If you are seeking love, pay special attention to them.

1. Be motivated by love, not fear.

Firstly, you should enter a relationship based on love, and not fear.

Fear-based reasons are any of the factors I mentioned earlier in the article, like wanting a relationship out of emptiness, unhappiness, loneliness, peer pressure, societal pressure, and so on.

A love-based reason would be because you have genuine interest in the other party, you see areas of compatibility between both of you and you want to build a relationship with him/her and see where it leads to. That’s really what relationships should be all about to begin with – something you actively create with someone you love and respect – and not because you want to fix something in your life.

2. Set the intention to attract love, but don’t treat it as a goal.

Sure, many of us probably had intentions to be married or to have X kids by a certain age when we were young. And it’s good to set such intentions, because it’s part of being clear of what you want in life.

However, love isn’t a goal to be achieved. It’s the result of being the right person and meeting the right person. You don’t go out there and say “Okay, I want to get married by the time I’m 28, so I’m going to have to get out there and start dating when I’m 25. This will give me about 1 year to date different people, 1 year to get to know my partner and determine if he/she is the right person for me, and than 1 year of engagement before I finally get married.”. Some of you are probably laughing because it is probably a thought you had before. You aren’t alone; this was something my friends often talked about when we were younger. Sure you can and should do things that put you in the position to receive love when it comes along, but other than setting intentions, doing things that open yourself up to meeting different people and not shutting out opportunities, you can’t force love to happen as and when you want it.

I used to think of love as a goal to be achieved one day (i.e. it was something I put on my bucket list even), but I stopped doing that since a year ago. I know that I sometimes speak of setting relationship goals on PE, and that’s part of setting intentions on what you want in life. You can go out and meet as many people as you can, but if you don’t meet anyone compatible, then there’s just no one compatible (yet). You can’t try to bake something if the ingredients aren’t right to begin with. You also don’t want to put your life on hold and revolve it around trying to find the elusive special someone. (see point #4)

The same goes for any other goal that involves people (be it in friendships, family, work or businesses). You can go out there and meet a lot of new people, but you can’t force people to be your friends – they can only be your friends if they want to. You can shower your family members with love and treat them with patience and respect, but you can’t force them to respond in kindness if they don’t want to. You can ask your colleagues to help you out in your work, but if they don’t want to – they don’t want to.

3. Be yourself. Don’t change yourself to get people to like you.

Be yourself – Don’t change yourself just to attract someone else. There are billions of people in this world and everyone is looking for different things in his/her partner. For one thing that someone doesn’t like about you, someone else is going to like that.

And even if you do attract someone after changing yourself, you will be left second guessing yourself, because, hey – Who did that person fall in love with? You? Or your projected persona? Also, it will be a never ending cycle where you either have to keep maintaining that projected persona, or you keep trying to change yourself just to preserve the attraction. You will be left feeling empty and extremely unhappy.

Hence, it is more important that you focus on being yourself (or discovering yourself for some of us), rather than try to mold yourself into someone else just to attract love. When you do that, you will automatically attract the person who will like you for who you are and filter out the people who are incompatible with you. What’s more, there is nothing more attractive than someone who knows him/herself and someone who is self-confident (not arrogant).

Read:

• Finding Your Inner Self
• 101 Important Questions To Ask Yourself in Life
• How To Be The Most Confident Person In The World | Manifesto version

4. Live your life. Don’t put it on hold for someone/something else.

This is the same as my #3 step on how to become complete by yourself. Live your life. To the fullest.

This means you should not put your life on hold for someone or something else. You should not put your goals on pause in your quest to find love or make love happen. You should not change your goals to entertain the possibility of being together with someone. You should not modify your agenda in life for someone else when there is no commitment between both of you to begin with.

What you should do, is to simply live your life, to the fullest. When you do that, the right love for you will come your way. You want to attract love that is compatible with the real you (see #3) and your ideal life, not love that requires you to stifle your true self and compromise on your dreams.

Read: 101 Ways To Live Your Life To The Fullest

5. Realize that love is everywhere.

If you feel an intense need to “get out there and look for love”, and if you experience moments of sadness when you can’t seem to find a romantic partner, ask yourself: “What is it that I’m looking for?“. Is it really love? Or is it something else, such as self-assurance, self-love, or self-worth?

Because love, real love, is everywhere. You see parents loving their children. You see friends sharing their love for each other. At work, you have colleagues looking out for each other – another form of love. Around you are different people conveying their love for you in their own special ways. And last but not least, you yourself are a beacon of love. Your higher self loves you, and so do your spirit guides.

If you are driven by the incessant need to look for love or to have someone in your life, perhaps you are really trying to compensate for the lack of self-love. What you should do then is to work on loving yourself, rather than looking outwards for someone to love you. This is what I alluded to in my recent Ask Celes video: “How can I address feelings of emptiness in my life?”. As the quote by Ayn Rand goes, “To say ‘I love you’ one must first be able to say the ‘I’.”.

For those with Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program, Day 16 is about self-love, where you identify at least 30 things you love about yourself and write a letter of appreciation to yourself.

6. You are complete.

You are whole; you are complete. As I shared before in Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?, you don’t need a relationship to complete you, because you already are complete. All of us are. The only reason why one wouldn’t think so is because of all the projections by the society and the media that one must be in a relationship to complete him/herself.

You don’t get into a relationship to complete you; you get into a relationship because you truly like someone and you want to spend more time together (like I mentioned in point #1). The former is a fear-based reason that is no sooner a recipe for disaster when you project all kinds of expectations onto the relationship on how it should be and become disappointed when things don’t turn out the way you want them to.

Read: Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?

7. See people for who they are vs. judging them.

When you meet someone, do you immediately start to evaluate the person and think about the things which you like and don’t like about him/her?

I think many of us do, at one point or another. Some of us probably even go one step further and measure the person against a mental checklist of whether he/she is fit to be a partner. When we do that, we are not being very fair to the other party, because we begin to pigeonhole the person into certain categories rather than see him/her for who he/she really is.

There are many people who have great personalities that may not be revealed when we first meet them. These people may very well be the ones who are truly compatible with us in the long haul.

So, be less judgmental and more accepting. See the goodness in each person. Who knows, perhaps you may well find love in someone who came across as the least possible candidate when you first met him/her!

8. Adopt a nurturing view vs. terminal view.

Last but not least, for every connection that you have (be it with friends, acquaintances, or colleagues), adopt a nurturing view rather than a terminal view.

This means, rather than sign off your connections because you don’t think anything will ever come out of them, keep an open mind. Get out there and meet new people. Keep in touch with the people whom you found a connection with. Make an effort to meet up with them where you can – and that’s out of a sincere desire to connect and know them better, not to see if there is any romantic potential. You never know what’s going to happen in the future.

Final Note

Know anyone who is currently seeking love? Send this guide to him/her – he/she may well find it useful in his/her ‘quest’ to find love.

Please share this guide on your Facebook and Twitter as well via the social media buttons below. Thank you – I really appreciate it!

Images: Love Seeds, Stepping into Water, Hand holding Heart, Happy girl, Mother and daughter, Smiling Girl

Related Posts:

• Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?
• [Manifesto] 10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship
• 10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship
• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness