I’ve been a fan of Renee from Womanist Musings’ (@womanistmusings) work for a long time and loved having the opportunity to connect with her recently on Skype as we filmed her segment of my toddler years video. I’ve been begging her to guest post for me for a while and am happy to finally have a piece of her work to share with you. Please welcome Renee to the blog.

Teaching a Child to Refer to her Genitalia as the C Word

Every parent eventually has to make a decision regarding what to teach their children about their genitalia.  Some people simply cannot bear to give their children the correct anatomical names and instead make up cutesy nick names for them.  In doing so, what they don’t recognize, is that they are introducing the idea of shame when it comes to both the physical body and sex and sexuality.  As the years pass, it sends a strong message that certain body parts are dirty and not to be spoken of.

The unhusband and I made the decision to tell our sons that they had both a penis and testes. This should not have been a controversial decision; however, when they entered school, one teacher  asked my oldest son to refer to his genitalia as his wee wee, because his forthrightness about his body made her uncomfortable. What should seem like a straight forward decision, can at times become complex depending on the people that you and your child interact with.

I recently came across the story of a feminist dad who decided to push the envelop when it came to talking to his daughter about her genitalia.

I really never thought this would happen. I had a vision that I was going to be able to raise my kids differently than anyone ever had, that they’d grow up free of racial prejudice and television and only wearing pink and all the other bad stuff that’s wandered into the head of any other kid, ever.

Sadly, that is not always the situation. Case study #1: Language.

In college I read Inga Muscio‘s amazing book Cunt: A Declaration of Independence. (I was a feminist! I was the only guy in Womyn’s Issues Now! I could do anything!) Essentially, the point of that book was that the word “cunt” used to be an honorific term for the female ruler of a country, whereas the word “vagina” is an Old English Latin word meaning “sheath for a sword.” And, in the earliest days of changing nappies and learning how female people wipe, I was quick to teach my gurgling baby proto-feminist girl to say “cunt!” instead of “vagina” — or instead of whatever other term you’d use.

No matter what anyone else said, or how they looked at me when I said it. In fact, because of how they looked at me when I said it. (source)

I think there is a good argument to made that teaching a little girl to refer to her genitalia as only a vagina, is teaching her to refer only to a specific part of her anatomy.  It is based in the idea that the only part of our genitalia that matters, is the opening that allows penetration by a man.  I would fully support teaching a child to use vulva instead; however,  I believe that cunt is not the appropriate choice to thwart the limiting social construction of what female genitalia signifies.

There are some women who have chosen to reclaim the word cunt. This is an individual choice, and the same cannot be said for a father who actively chooses to teach his daughter this word.  I think first we must consider that we are talking about a male parent. No matter the intention of the man in question, the word cunt will always be problematic.  He may have done the research of the etymological roots, but the fact of the matter is that today the word cunt is socially understood to be a reductive word used to attack and debase women, no matter how many times you watch the Vagina Monologue and watch as Eve Ensler, encourages the men in the audience to shout out the word.  Intent does not magically alter the social understanding of a word in question.

There are several groups who have attempted to reclaim words.  Some Blacks have attempted to reclaim the slur nigger and some gay people have also done so with the word queer, but despite their efforts, these words are still actively used as a slur, and even within the communities to whom these words belong, the idea of reclamation is not necessarily universally embraced. Then there are communities like the disabled community, who are attempting to ask people to reconsider their usage of words like retard, lame, crazy, and moron, with little success I might add. Regardless of the community that you address, a large part of the issue with these problematic words is that they not only have become socially ingrained, the meaning of each of these words has developed their own unique definition.

In many ways, this mans effort reminds me of those who insist on claiming that they were only talking about a cigarette, when called on their usage of the word f#g. Part of raising socially aware children is teaching them to think for themselves.  It begins by setting a foundation in which they are taught that all people matter regardless of their race, sexuality, gender, age, or ability.  From there, the next step should be a discussion of common isms aimed at historically marginalized group, along with the concept of privilege. The final stage, and the most exciting I might add, is turning their questions around and asking them what they think and why.  This can be as simple asking themselves to picture how they would feel in the place of the marginalized person at first.

I disagree with this man’s approach because his first thought removes choice.  Not all women believe that the word cunt should be reclaimed, and many, myself included, find it extremely offensive. He could have chosen to thwart the common understanding of female genitalia and use the term labia and then had a discussion on why cunt might be a word for her to consider, but instead he used his adult and male privilege to decide for her.  There may well come a time when she pulls away from her father’s understanding and decides that this word is not suitable for her, but we all know that ideas when introduced at a very young age are very difficult to overcome in later years. In this instance, I believe respecting women and encouraging agency should come with the right to name and that is something that was taken from her, in his bid to be the ultimate feminist man. Every person should have the right and ability to cherish their bodies.

Any parent who engages in social justice parenting will tell you that it is an uphill battle.  There are times when your children will say the most insightful things, and you will be filled with immense pride, and others when you feel it is hopeless because they have learned and internalized such negative things from either their friends, or the media.

Renee Martin is the proud mother of two very active young boys. She resides in Niagara Falls On with her family, where she works as a freelance writer and blogger.    Her home blogs are, Womanist Musings and Fangs for the Fantasy.

Photo credit:moxieg on flickr

I’m heading in the direction of slightly warmer weather this week and will be bringing you a few guest posts from authors and activists whose voices and work I adore. First up is breastfeeding advocate Emma Kwasnica talking about the continued harassment of breastfeeding women by facebook staff (which I first wrote about more than three years ago).  Protests at facebook offices around the world are being planned for February 6, 2012. Please welcome Emma with a message about the importance of seeing breastfeeding and a personal challenge to you.

Montréal Breastfeeding Challenge 2009 "in the park". Torrential downpour for the event, but that didn't stop us. I am 42 weeks pregnant with Chloë *to the day* in this photo; Sophie (2.5 years old) nursing on cue for the official latch-on at 11am. (Photo courtesy of Rowan Smith)

Why SEEING breastfeeding on Facebook, and in real life, is important:
My personal challenge to you

I’d just like to talk a bit about the bigger picture here. When Facebook takes this stance against breastfeeding images, it stigmatizes breastfeeding women, and shames women into thinking that their breasts are much, much less than the amazing life-giving source they are. Nipplephobia has reached epic proportions here in North America, and this is to the supreme detriment of babies everywhere.

Just think for one moment, how many more women would breastfeed, or for how much longer, if only we rid society of the harmful practice of over-sexualizing women’s breasts! And how much this, in turn, could benefit the BABIES.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: as a childbirth professional, but also as a woman, in general, it is absolutely crucial that one support ALL women to breastfeed their young.

Quite simply, this is about re-normalizing breastfeeding.

The more we hide it away, classify it as obscene, shame mothers into covering up while feeding, and encourage women to retire to “private” rooms in order to breastfeed the baby, the less we see of it in public, and the less and less people are comfortable with the very idea of nursing in public. This is the sad reality of this pathologically hyper-sexualized (yet sexually repressed…) North American culture of ours.

The solution seems quite simple to me; breastfeeding (and/or images of breastfeeding) need to be seen every day. I am convinced that SEEING more breastfeeding, wherever possible, is what will change our breastfeeding culture. Re-normalize it. There is no law prohibiting women from breastfeeding in public. And so women should do it. And they should feel completely free to do it. Lots of it. As much as possible.

Did those words sound familiar? I first wrote a version of these words in 2009  after my account had been disabled for the 4th time for sharing breastfeeding images. It’s two years later, and it is still happening. Daily. To women all over the globe. It happened to me three weeks ago and I have, quite simply, had enough.

When I wrote this blog post in 2009 I ended with a challenge to all of you personally to encourage women who breastfeed in public, and to get out there and breastfeed your own child in public.

Today I’m bringing it back around to Facebook. I am challenging you to get involved. If you live in a city that is holding a nurse-in, a peaceful protest, a “boob-out” as my friends in Australia are calling it, on February 6th, I urge you to take the time to attend. Even if you’re not breastfeeding anymore. If you are a mother, a daughter, a wife, a husband, a father, an employer… come out and show your support for breastfeeding women and their right to share their joy and pride in breastfeeding with their friends and family, or with the world if they chose, on Facebook.

If you can’t attend, I challenge you to take action on February 6th. Change your profile picture. Upload breastfeeding photos. Come to our Facebook support page and share out the photos and videos and words of the people attending the nurse-ins around the world. Make joyful noise and tell everyone you know on Facebook that you want them to stop harassing breastfeeding mothers who are only trying to do the best by their children –and by humanity. Tell Facebook to leave breastfeeding images alone.

Will you commit to doing this, today? Again, I challenge you.

Warm regards,
Emma Kwasnica

Emma Kwasnica is a birth and breastfeeding activist and mum to three daughters. She is also the founder of Human Milk 4 Human Babies Global Network and spends her days passionately advocating for “informed choice” for all childbearing/-rearing women.

Last week, I started following a twitter account called @Reduce_Risk, a Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation campaign focused on helping women reduce their breast cancer risk. Looking back through their tweets, I found one that said:

80% of Canadian women are at “average risk of #breastcancer. Do u know what that means? Learn more: ow.ly/8pA4L

I clicked on the link and read the information, which detailed the factors that lead to average risk and high risk of breast cancer. I responded to the tweet, saying “You talk about average and high risk — does that mean no one is low risk?”. They replied:

Thanks @phdinparenting. Average risk is the “lowest” level of risk but it still means a 1 in 9 or 11% lifetime risk of breast cancer!…

This is when I began to panic.

Yes, survival rates are increasing (due to early detection), but ultimately very little has changed over the years in the way breast cancer is treated. We still take a “slash, burn and poison” approach to treating the disease and we still don’t know what causes this disease. There is a lot of inconclusive research that suggests what the risk factors might be, but we don’t truly know what causes it.

That is a scary prospect and fear is a big motivator.

I have run for the cure, I’ve donated for the cure, and I’ve decorated pink panther birthday cakes with pink M&Ms for the cure. I’ve jumped on board for too many  pink ribbon campaigns without first questioning them.Was it fear motivating me? Or hope? Or wanting to feel like I was making a difference?

I’m not sure.

While some campaigns seem obviously wrong (Kentucky Fried Chicken for the Cure), I must admit that I haven’t always questioned pink washing as carefully as I should in the past. That all changed when I saw the new documentary film Pink Ribbons Inc.

Take a moment and watch the trailer:

“Raising money has become the priority, regardless of the consequences”

This quote from the film truly is the message that comes through loud and clear. At best, companies are using this disease as a way to profit. But it gets worse, much worse than that. There are companies that are selling products with known carcinogens and slapping a pink ribbon on them. They rake in profits, give a very small amount of money to research for the cure, and continue with business as usual. Except when they are exposed.

One example given in the movie is the Yoplait pink-lid campaign. In Ecouterre’s 10 ridiculous pinkwashed products that may increase your risk of breast cancer, they explain the problem with this campaign:

For every pink yogurt lid you send in until December 31, Yoplait will donate 10 cents to Susan G. Komen for the Cure until it reaches $2 million. Simple, right? Except that it costs 44 cents just to buy each stamp, not to mention the fact you’ll need to down 100 yogurt cups for a middling $10 contribution. But fuzzy math aside, until recently, Yoplait also contained rbGH (or recombinant bovine growth hormone), a synthetic hormone with unresolved questions about its impact on human health, including cancer.

The rbGH was only removed after Yoplait was called out by the breast cancer community.  The suggestion in the film — don’t bother with the yoghurt. If you truly want to help, make a direct donation rather than wasting your money on stamps to send in lids that are worth pennies.

This film clip called Eli Lilly is Milking Cancer is one of the other stories shared in the movie that shows how disgustingly self-serving corporate interests can be.

Mainstream Breast Cancer Organizations Fear Alienating Supporters

Everyone wants a cure, of course. But the reason so many of these big corporate interests are focused on a cure is that it is blameless. Focusing on prevention, however, can have dire consequences for corporate interests. If more research goes into prevention, and it turns out that the products they are selling are causing cancer, it will hurt their bottom line. A focus on the cure is much easier. By not drawing too much attention to nasty carcinogens, cancer organizations like the Komen Foundation can keep raking in the cash.

As if that wasn’t enough, this week the Komen Foundation proved just how important it is to keep your supporters on board. The organization succumbed to political pressure from right-wing anti-abortion supporters and pulled it support of breast cancer screening services (mammograms and clinical breast exams) at Planned Parenthood.

But in their attempts to keep corporate sponsors and other donors on board, are breast cancer organizations alienating the very women they are supposed to be supporting?

The focus on all things pink and beautiful may be a great way to keep corporate sponsors on board, it doesn’t resonate with all breast cancer patients and survivors. “We’re human beings, not a pink ribbon,” one of the women interviewed in the film noted. Women with breast cancer feel pressured by the positive energy around breast cancer campaigns — “the tyranny of cheerfulness”. Breast cancer is not pretty or normal and many women resent the attempt to present it that way.

One of the key messages in breast cancer campaigns is around the fight. The message that women get is that if they fight hard enough, they will beat the disease. But what does that say about those who do not survive? Did they not fight hard enough? Not pray hard enough? Were they not pink and cheerful enough? There are evidently some breast cancer survivors who can relate to the wave of pink and take some comfort in it and strength from it. But there are just as many that resent it.

A shift in focus?

The bulk of breast cancer research money in past years has gone into researching a cure. In the movie, they note that only 3 to 5 percent of funds go towards prevention of breast cancer.  In Canada, around 6.5 percent of money raised goes towards research into risk factors and risk reduction. Why is the number so low?

• Is it because the prospect of a cure generates hope and therefore attracts more research dollars?
• Is it because the focus on the cure doesn’t upset any corporate sponsors that may be contributing to the cause?
• Is it because preventing cancer may dry up the enormous cash cow that pink ribbon campaigns have become?

In an interview with CBC’s The Current, Sandra Palmaro, CEO of the Ontario region of the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation said that they need to find a balance between looking for opportunities to increase funding and ensuring that they work with companies whose beliefs and aims are aligned with theirs. When asked specifically about  partnerships with organizations that are selling pink ribbon products that contain known carcinogens, she noted that “we don’t know what quantity of a product over what period of time” would contribute toward cancer and used that as a justification for working with those companies.

But if we truly don’t know how harmful those products can be, wouldn’t that at least be cause for being cautious instead of encouraging people to go out and buy more of the product? Can we shift our focus a bit from cure, cure, cure to a good dose of research into understanding the cause and preventing the disease?

I’d like to see us come around to a place where there truly can be a “low risk” of breast cancer. The work that the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation is doing now on Reducing the Risk is a start, but we need so much more.

Go See Pink Ribbons, Inc.

I knew about pink washing before I saw this movie, but I didn’t know just how bad it was. I had to pick my chin up off the floor several times listening to the words of executives from Estee Lauder, Revelon and the Komen Foundation. I had to wipe tears away listening to the words of women with stage four breast cancer.

Ravida Din, the producer of Pink Ribbons Inc. wrote:

I hope that by seeing this film, audiences will engage in a bigger social debate around the issue.  The public –  especially those who are involved in fundraising for this cause – may want to ask more questions next time they hand over their hard earned dollars and their time to pink ribbon causes.   We need to critically think about how we can become more effective as a society in addressing this epidemic of cancer.  Let’s re-envision the kind of public platform we want to create and how we as a civil society want to determine how we manage our health.

That is a message I can get behind. As you know, I’m not one to shy away from social debate or talking about re-envisioning the future. In addition to seeing this movie, I’ll be following an organization called Breast Cancer Action more closely as their message and priorities seem more aligned with mine than the pink ribbon campaigns.

The movie Pink Ribbons Inc. will be in theatres in Canada starting on February 3, 2012 at the following theatres and more:

Barrie Imperial Theatres / Calgary The Plaza / Concord AMC Interchange / Edmonton Metro Cinema / Grand Praire Jan Cinema /Halifax Empire 17 Bayers Lake / Kamloops – February date (tba) Paramount / Kelowna – Feb 10 Paramount Theatre / Kingston The Screening Room / Laval Megaplex Pont-Viau /Medicine Hat The Monarch / Montreal AMC Forum, Quartier Latin / Nanaimo – Feb 10 Avalon / Oakville AMC Winston Churchill / Orleans Feb 24 Mayfair /Ottawa – Feb 17 Bytowne / Québec City Le Clap / Regina RPL Theatre /Saskatoon Roxy / Scarborough AMC Kennedy Commons/ Sherbrooke Maison du cinéma /Sudbury Rainbow / Ste-Adèle Cinéma Pine / Toronto AMC Yonge & Dundas, The Carlton, The Kingsway/ Vancouver Denman / Victoria Roxy / Waterloo Princess Cinema /Winnipeg Globe Cinema / with more to come…

In the United States, the film will be shown at a variety of film festivals from January to April 2012, with more dates and showings beginning in early Spring.

How do you feel about pink washing? How has it impacted the way that you look at breast cancer organizations? Do you plan to see the movie to learn more?

Photo credit: National Film Board of Canada

This past week, I posted an article on my facebook page about some mothers in the UK that have decided to allow their teenage daughters’ boyfriends sleep over. Is that shocking? I didn’t think so. I found it progressive and refreshing. But not everyone agrees and some find the idea of it irresponsible or morally reprehensible.

I respect the fact that different people have different opinions about sex, ranging from “whoever, whenever, wherever” all the way to “put a ring on her before you sleep with her”. I also respect parents wishing to share their values with their children. However, I don’t think that forbidding something from happening in your home is the best way to ensure that your teen adopts your values. I think a loving, mutually respectful, open and connected relationship is the best way to do that.

Here are a few things that I know about teens and sex, from first or second hand experience:

• Teens who decide that they are ready to have sex are going to have sex, whether you allow it in your home or not (they’ll find somewhere else to do it and that may not be a safe place or with a safe person)
• Teens who are not ready to have sex, will not have sex, just because you allow it in your home
• Teens who give into pressure to have sex when they are not ready are going to do that whether you allow it in your home or not
• If teens of the opposite sex have a sleepover, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are having sex
• If teens of the same sex have a sleepover, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are not having sex

I reject the idea that “teens are going to have sex anyway, so you might as well allow it in your home”, because I don’t think that is entirely true. Some teens do opt not to have sex. That said, I also reject the idea that allowing your teen to have opposite sex sleepovers is encouraging them to enter into sexual relationships before they are ready.

These aren’t just my crazy ideas. In the book Not Under My Roof, Amy Shalet looks at parents, teens and the culture of sex in the United States and the Netherlands.

For American parents, teenage sex is something to be feared and forbidden: most would never consider allowing their children to have sex at home, and sex is a frequent source of family conflict. In the Netherlands, where teenage pregnancies are far less frequent than in the United States, parents aim above all for family cohesiveness, often permitting young couples to sleep together and providing them with contraceptives.

I haven’t read the book yet, but it certainly fits with both my experience and my worldview on parenting and sex.

If you don’t want your children to have sex before they are ready and don’t want them to practice unsafe sex, I think the best way to do that is:

• Instill self-confidence and a sense of self-worth in your children
• Teach them to respect themselves and to respect others (that means teaching them to say ‘no’ when they want to say ‘no’ and teaching them to hear and respect ‘no’)
• Teach them about safe sex and be open to answering their questions
• Share your opinions about sex with them, but be sure to tell them that they are free to form their own opinions and make their own decisions
• Tell them that they can come to you with any questions that they have, but also make sure there are other people they can go to with questions if they are not comfortable talking to you (doctor, older sister/brother, aunt/uncle, school guidance counselor, anonymous teen help phone, etc.)
• Ensure they have an easy way to get condoms and other forms of birth control if they decide that they need it

Then, after you have done that, trust your child. There really isn’t a huge difference between 16 years old and under the shackles of the parental roof versus 18 years old and in a college dorm. If you haven’t given them the skills to make good decisions by the time they are 16, then you probably have bigger things to worry about than just this issue.

I hope that if I teach my kids well, that they will make good decisions. But if they don’t and if one of them does end up with a revolving door of lovers coming in and out of our house, at least I may know about it and have an opportunity to talk to them about it. The parents who make sex sound dirty and forbid sex at home — they may (unknowingly) have the same problem, without the opportunity for dialogue.

Photo credit: michi003 on flickr

Have you ever looked at your toddler with amazement, confusion or frustration, wondering why on earth they are doing what they are doing? I know I have.

I found babies so easy. Their cries generally meant one of a very small number of things — they were hungry, they were tired, they were wet, they were cold, or they just needed to be held close.  But with toddlers, I often found myself scratching my head trying to figure them out. Sometimes it is fun, because they can be so unexpected and free. Other times, when we can’t figure out what they want or why they are doing something, it can be downright frustrating.

When you find yourself asking — Why is my toddler acting like that? What is up with that behaviour?   –  consider these factors:

• Age-Appropriateness: Is your child’s behaviour age appropriate? Our toddlers often act like toddlers. The problem, in a lot of cases, is that adults expect toddlers to understand a lot more or be able to handle a lot more than they can. If your toddler starts acting out, it may simply be that you are asking too much in that situation. This is a scenario we found ourselves in often when we were in public with our toddlers. Sometimes, we really were pushing the limits of how much they could handle, how much we could throw their routine off, how late they could stay out, how patient they could be, and we often found out the hard way that we had pushed a bit too much. That doesn’t mean that you can’t try to do things with your toddler that are out of the ordinary (we often did), but it means that you need to be prepared for potential meltdowns and have a plan for how to deal with them in a way that is respectful to everyone involved.

• Not Being Listened To: Your toddler probably notices you talking, but what are you saying? Are you talking at your toddler or are you speaking with your toddler? Are you taking the time to mirror what your toddler is saying or thinking or feeling, so that they know that they are being heard? Even if you have to say “no” when they want you to say “yes”, helping them see that you do understand how they feel and have taken their perspective into consideration can make communication much smoother. You can also check out these tips from MaMammalia on speaking respectfully to your toddler.

• Need to Assert Independence: Toddlers are figuring out who they are. They need the opportunity to assert their independence, to try to doing things on their own, to make choices (and find out what the consequences of those choices are). They also need the opportunity to lead, which can be especially fun. Create opportunities for your child to make the decisions, whether it is about which side of the street to walk on or what to eat for dinner. Let them lead you around the house, around the yard, around the playground, or even around your neighbourhood.

More Resources?

Are you still looking for more ideas to help navigate through the toddler years? Check out these great posts with advice and stories:

• Kate from One Tired Ema (@onetiredema) wrote about using sign language with her children. Two way communication is so important with toddlers because they want to express themselves and be heard. Using more than 200 signs, Kate was able to communicate with her son who had a speech delay.
• Naomi from Standard Spicy Whatnot wrote about how much (un)helpful assistance she gets from her housework saboteurs every day.
• Louise (@louisegleeson) at Late Night Plays is a busy woman. With four kids in the house, she doesn’t have a lot of time to beat around the bush. In the A,B,C’s of toddlerhood, she gets right to the point in explaining how she survives the toddler years.
• Instead of stressing about eating, phases, sleep and things, Connie (@modern_mama) from Modern Mama Musings talks about communication, distraction, picking your battles and more as keys to surviving the toddler years.
• When our toddlers are sick, or screaming, or out of control, we all sometimes run to Dr. Google for answers. Momma, PhD (@mazafratz) gives parents of toddlers some advice on how to find reliable sources on the Internet in Be Careful Who You Ask.
• Ultimately, surviving the toddler years comes down to being the parent your toddler needs you to be. Jayda (@EatWholeBeVital) from Mom PhD wrote about how she may not always have been the best wife, sister, daughter or friend when her kids were toddlers, but that the fog of toddlerhood “keeps your focus on that little shining light; your toddler.” 

Finally, I want you to read the words of @naptimewriting. In her post, Open Letter to My Toddler, she started out:

Dearest Butterbean,

Thank you. You’re right.

I say that because all of the delightful, delicious, maddening, exhausting things you do teach me something. All of them. In a tasty, hilarious, infuriating, depleting way. Did I mention adorable? And exhausting, did I mention that?

She goes on to thank her toddler, beautifully, for all the ways he makes her look at the world differently. That really is the magic of the toddler years — getting to see the world from their perspective. The more we stop to see the world through their eyes, the easier it will be to get through the tough days and the more we’ll be able to enjoy the magic of that age.

Toddler Carnival Sponsor

One of the best things about toddlers is how fun they are. They are completely uninhibited and full of creativity and energy. They learn, and learn, and learn some more and love every minute of it. Having fun with your toddler can range from a planned activity to just cuddling and giggling in bed. It can range from playing, to going outside, to family vacations, to cooking together. This post pulls together some great ideas for having fun with your toddlers.

Play

Nurture Store came up with a great list of Top 5 Toddler Play Ideas especially for the Carnival of Toddlers. Head over there to read more about how to:

• Make your play space toddler friendly
• Encourage super sensory play
• Boost your toddler’s language skills
• Play grown-up
• Be inspired

On that last point, there is so much inspiration out there. Some great places to look include The PhD in Parenting Carnival of Play and my friend Allie’s great craft blog No Time for Flash Cards.  Do you like paint and play dough? If so, check out these recipes and ideas from Sixty Second Parent and Nurture Store. When you’re all done, it is time to clean up those toys and Code Name Mama has some great tips on getting your toddlers to help pick up.

Go Outside

I think one of the most important things is for toddlers to have the opportunity to go outside and play in an unstructured and exploratory environment. Let them roll the grass, pick up leaves, stroke the bark of the tree, watch the ants walking around, gaze at the clouds, and more. If you’re looking for fun ideas for things to do outside (even in the rain!), check out my Carnival of Play posts on outdoor play.

Travel

A lot of people are scared to travel with toddlers. Don’t be afraid! It can be a lot of fun, as Corinne from Have Baby Will Travel will tell you. Her website is full of amazing resources for parents who want to travel with their babies and toddlers. Codename Mama also has a list of ideas to help make travel with toddlers easier. We’ve done both structured and unstructured vacations with our kids, ranging from resorts to camping and from Europe to Cuba.

The important thing is to respect your toddler’s pace and abilities and come up with a plan that is flexible and keeps their needs in mind. Every destination has tons of great things to do with toddlers, from more structured options (like Children’s museums) to impromptu activities (like counting the stairs on the steps of a Cathedral). Travelling with a toddler is the best way to ensure that you stop to smell the roses along the way, whether you are exploring a world far from home or just the next town over.

Cook and Bake

Do you like to cook with your toddler? Involving your toddler in the food process can be one great way to get them interested in eating. Two of my readers like to get their toddlers involved in the meal planning. Check out the great meals that Housewife’s Utopia and Life With Roozle’s toddlers came up with.

I don’t do a lot of cooking with my kids, but we love to bake together. It has become a weekend tradition and now I often have to bake with one of them on Saturday and the other one on Sunday so that they both get a turn. Whether it is granola bars, zucchini muffins, or leftover cereal cookies, they love being able to help measure and mix and of course they’re happy to taste test once things are done.

As you are cooking, think about incorporating some of Sixty Second Parent’s ideas for exploring the senses of smell and taste.

How Do You Have Fun With Your Toddler?

This is just a beginning. There are, of course, so many things that you can do with your toddler. Reading was another important fun activity with my kids. What other fun ideas do you have for hanging out with your toddler?

Toddler Carnival Sponsor

 Photo credits: Toddler with bubbles from abbybatchelder on flickr.

Today I’m welcoming fellow Ottawa-blogger Rebecca from A Little Bit of Momsense for the last guest post of the Carnival of Toddlers with her thoughts about the toddler years.

I think the toddler years have an unfair reputation.

Everyone speaks about the ‘terrible twos’ and threes with great stress and I get it.  It’s an age where our children are a cross between extremely needy and fighting for their own independence.  One day they insist on doing everything themselves and the next they revert into baby-like states to get our help and attention.

But really, the toddler years for us have been more than tantrums and trouble. They’ve been a time of joy and fun.  Their imagination is running wild and they are amused by the most simple of things.  I can remember my son rolling a potato around the room and chasing it.  A potato!

Their spirit is sharp and joyful – without the burden of school concerns, self consciousness or uncertainty.  In all she does, my daughter takes a step without looking down, or back, only forward.  I wish I could use this same ‘just do it’ attitude in my own life.

The toddler stage reminds me what it’s like to feel – everything is amplified, isn’t it? Sadness is a complete and emotional breakdown; toddlers are great at drama. But happiness is an eruption of love and pure euphoria that so many of us have lost.

Toddlers believe in everything, and most of all in us as parents.  They are forgiving and loving unconditionally.

Our toddlers are bundles of confusion and frustration at times, but in all crying and tantrums, there are so many moments of fun and laughter and giggles. In these moments they teach us to love, feel and care.

*Side note: It took me 2 days to write this short post because my toddler was only wanting me to play various games including house and super heroes, then she got a cold and needed to be attached to me after a restless night of sleep. Only picking at my belly button seems to make her feel better. This, my friends, is parenting a toddler

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Rebecca is a stay-at-home mom of two children 5 and under and is loving every minute of crafting, chasing and pretending to be imaginary characters.  She blogs about life and parenting at A Little Bit of Momsense, her love of food and recipe sharing at A Little Bit of Foodsense and social media, community and giving back at Sense and Community.  Follow her on Twitterto chat about pretty much anything and everything.  

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Image credit: Mother and toddler by emerille on flickr.

We have one rule when it comes to sleep in our house. Everyone needs to sleep and everyone deserves to be comfortable when they are sleeping. Where people sleep or how often that changes, isn’t really relevant as long as everyone is able to sleep comfortably. Sounds idyllic, you might say. But how do you make that happen? Let me tell you the story of how we got there.

Before we had kids, I had a colleague that I’ll call Mike. Mike often came into the office in the morning complaining about a sore neck or a sore back. Ask him why and you’d get an earful. His daughter wet the bed, so they got her changed and brought her into their bed so they didn’t have to change the bed in the middle of the night. Then, his toddler son would wake up and want to come to their bed, but there wasn’t enough space, so he would go over there and sleep with him. The problem? His son had a toddler bed. This scenario, or some version of it, played out frequently enough that I knew when we had a baby that we were never going to buy a toddler bed. The rest of our sleep arrangements worked themselves out over the years, but buying a toddler bed was not something we ever considered.

Who sleeps where and in what type of bed has changed

many, many times since our first child was born seven years ago. But it seems like the most challenging time for a lot of parents is during the toddler years, especially if they are adding a newborn sibling at the same time. So I thought I would talk about what our sleeping arrangements were like when our children were that age.

• When Julian was around one year old, we took down the large-sized laundry hamper in his room (also known as a crib) and replaced it with a double futon (which used to be our guest bed) equipped with a bed rail (which you can see pictured in my co-sleeping safety post). Once we did that, most nights we would put him to bed in his room, and then sneak out once he was asleep. Initially, it was almost always me putting him to bed because he nursed to sleep, but he would go down for my partner with a combination of a bottle of breastmilk followed up by a pacifier  if I was out for the evening (as well as for daytime naps because I worked and he was a stay at home dad).

• We bought a king-sized bed for our room and then moved our queen sized bed to the guest room to replace the futon (my mom came to visit and help out almost every week, so we needed another sleep space). Before Emma was born, when Julian woke up at night, I would either go and join him in h is bed (which was not a toddler bed!) or I would bring him to our bed.

• When I was pregnant with Emma, we gradually stopped bringing Julian to our bed at night and my partner also started more frequently being the one who would go and sleep with him at night if he needed someone. We didn’t want it to be a sudden switch from mommy to daddy once the baby arrived, so we made the switch gradually.

• Once Emma arrived, she slept with us in our bed (following safe bed sharing guidelines) and Julian kept sleeping in his bed, with Daddy going to him as needed at night.

• But once Emma was a little bit bigger and the suffocation risk wasn’t a big issue, things became more flexible. If one parent was sick, that person could sleep alone (to get more rest and not keep others awake with coughing) while the other parent slept with the kids. If one of us snored, we could kick that person out or sneak away to the other bed. If one bed got wet due to a leaky diaper, we didn’t have to change the bed in the middle of the night.

As long as everyone was sleeping, the “where” didn’t matter so much. Here’s the three of us lying in Julian’s bed cuddling.

This approach was based on the size of our house and the space that we had available. Not everyone has the same space available, but similar arrangements could be worked out (temporarily or permanently) with a mattress on the floor or a pull-out couch (not for the newborn, but okay for older kids or a parent alone). Creating options, so that no one keeps the rest of the family awake at night, helps everyone to get a bit more rest.

I think the musical beds approach has also made our kids more comfortable with sleeping in new and different places. As long as we are there, they are not attached to a particular bed, nightlight, or star stickers on the ceiling. Whether it is a hotel, a tent, or a relative’s house, they are pretty easy going.

Now that our kids are older, we still have very fluid bed space. We still have the king-sized bed, Emma (4 years) now has the double bed, and Julian (7 years) has a bunk bed. But as I sit here and type, Daddy and the two kids are cuddled upstairs in the king-sized bed.  As they grow, finding a balance between independent sleep and keeping the closeness of the family bed is important to us and the musical beds approach continues to work for that.

Need more sleep tips and resources? Check out my Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips and Read How We Transitioned from Nursing to Sleep to Other Forms of Comfort.

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In Saturday’s Globe and Mail their interior design expert answered a reader question about style and kids’ toys. In the “Ask a Designer” column, a parent asked whether there is a good way to organize and conceal kids toys that is both stylish and child-friendly.

Instead of design or organizational advice, what the reader got was an earful of unnecessary and probably unwanted parenting advice. Dee Dee Taylor Eustace’s answer started out with:

I am a firm believer that people should make kids adapt to the rules, as opposed to childproofing a house.

Good that she at least got her adultist viewpoint out in the open right at the start of the article. She goes on to say [emphasis mine]:

It is unbelievable how many children today have the worst table etiquette and don’t know the difference between playrooms and formal rooms. This is more confusing if your formal room is also the playroom, so, to avoid therapy down the road for both you and them, enroll the kids in a manners class to teach them how to treat one’s surroundings and fellow playmates with respect.

Interestingly, in a recent column where she answered a question about soundproofing due to tenants who listened to music that was too loud, she didn’t suggest schooling the tenants on their bad manners. Instead she gave soundproofing advice and then ended her column with a suggestion of sending in a few song requests, because “if you can’t beat them, join them.”

Back on the column about toys in the living room, she finishes her answer with another piece of advice:

Ultimately, lead by example: Instead of telling them how to play, show them how to play by playing with them, no cellphone allowed.

Ah, yes. Because parents with cellphones are the reason for ill-mannered children and messy living rooms, just as they are at the root of all problems in our society these days.

Image credit: mr. toaster on flickr

When people ask how to discipline their toddler, they are often looking for a silver bullet that will get their toddler to behave or at least stop doing things that are destructive or dangerous. Even I have looked for that magic solution, when all else fails. But it doesn’t exist. Discipline is a path, not a quick fix.

A lot of people think immediately about punishment when they think about discipline (especially those who are saying “but you HAVE to discipline your child or they’ll turn into a little MONSTER”). But discipline is about teaching, not punishment. Just as you wouldn’t punish your toddler for not being able to read as soon as you explain the concept of the ABCs, your toddler also isn’t going to understand right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate, safe and unsafe, the first, the second, the third or even the ninety-ninth time that you explain it.

I think of toddler discipline as a process — kind of like “wash, rinse, repeat”, except that you’re never really done.

What are the 3 Rs of Toddler Discipline?

Teaching in school is all about the 3 Rs of reading, writing and arithmetic. Toddler discipline also has three Rs — repetition, reaction, and reassurance.

Repetition

As I mentioned earlier, things aren’t going to sink in the first time that you say them. As a parent or caregiver to a toddler, you will have to redirect your toddler over and over again. As you see them trying to climb onto the counter again, as they pull the cat’s tail again, as they smear mashed potatoes on your laptop again, just keep reminding them that it isn’t okay.

I like to use a three step approach of:

• explaining what they shouldn’t be doing (not just a simple “no”, but actually describing what they shouldn’t be doing to ensure that it is clear what you are talking about)
• explaining why they shouldn’t be doing it (in plain, simple language)
• suggesting an alternative

As your toddler gets a bit more mature, you can also try asking your toddler what a good alternative would be. Wherever possible, be physically present as you are doing it (i.e. not yelling from the next room), get down to their level, and touch them as you are talking to them.

It is important to be consistent too in terms of the repetition. If it is funny one day for the toddler to pull the cat’s tail, but off limits the next day, that will be confusing. Decide what is reasonably allowed and not allowed and try to be as consistent as possible in delivering your message.

Reaction

In the context of toddler discipline, reaction can have several meanings.

First, I think it means being on the ball and watching your toddler carefully enough that you can react and catch them before they get injured or destroy property. You can be proactive to a certain extent by ensuring your house is child-friendly, but generally having a watchful eye and being prepared to step in is an important, but exhausting part of toddlerhood. That doesn’t mean you have to hover at all times, but you do have to be aware.  Naomi from Standard Spicy Whatnot wrote a nice post about the difficulty finding the balance between letting her daredevil toddler have the freedom to explore and keeping him safe.

Second, reaction means controlling your own reaction. Toddlers are notorious for trying to get a rise out of you. They want your attention, both good and bad. They may hit you, throw food on the floor, spread ketchup on the walls, or run away from you just to get a reaction out of you. We had problems with this during diaper changes for a while. Our son would kick us constantly, we would get upset, and he would just do it more and more. After a while, we realized that he was reveling in the reaction. So we stopped reacting. We simply said “no kicking” in a calm voice and held his legs. Sometimes it took two of us to change his diaper, but we didn’t give him the reaction he was looking for. Eventually, he got bored of it and stopped. Staying calm and being patient is key.  If we are yelling and screaming, then we teach our toddlers that that is a good way to communicate.

Reassurance

Toddlers need their parents to reassure them that everything is going to be okay. They are learning and developing fast and that can be overwhelming. Just as a child who is learning a new skill (like learning to ride a bike) needs lots of reassurance and encouragement, your toddler does too. Give them plenty of hugs, and time to connect, even and especially when it seems like they are really needy. Help build up their confidence by letting them accomplish things on their own and show you that they’ve done it. Part of reassurance is also ensuring that your toddler knows what to expect and what is going to happen next. Helping your toddler gently through transitions, instead of suddenly yanking them out of a situation will make things much easier for both of you.

Those are my 3 Rs of toddler discipline. Nothing magical about them and no guarantees that anything will be better tomorrow. But I do think that they are important building blocks for a developing toddler and will help them to learn appropriate boundaries within a loving environment.

Toddler Discipline Resources

Maybe you’re looking for some more ideas? I don’t parent “by the book” (any book), but I do sometimes find gentle parenting books and gentle parenting blogs to be useful places to get ideas for alternatives, especially when you’re frustrated and feel like nothing is working.

• My Discipline Spectrum applies to all ages, not specifically to toddlers. I think it is a good idea to figure out what your spectrum or compass is going to be when your kids are young, so that you will have a mindset with which to approach discipline.
• I love this list of 101 things to do instead of yelling or spanking by Dionna (@codenamemama). This is less about controlling your child and more about controlling yourself, but is a very important resource indeed.
• Sylvia from MaMammalia wrote a wonderful series of posts on toddler discipline. Back in May, she wrote a post called 8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance. Her approach centers around creating a partnership between the parent and the child where both of their needs are taken into consideration. Makes sense, doesn’t it? We’re all more likely to listen and be willing to help others if we feel like we are being listened to and respected. But Sylvia knew something was missing when she wrote that post and when it came time to write something for this Carnival of Toddlers, she found the missing piece. Sometimes as parents, we do have to put our foot down and Sylvia gives us some ideas for handling a defiant and insistent “NO” from your toddler in 10 Loving Ways to Handle Toddler Defiance.
• One of my favourite books for toddler discipline (and child discipline in general) is Playful Parenting.
• If you are struggling to figure out what your discipline style should be, The Discipline Book (by Dr. Sears) may be the book for you. It talks about numerous different techniques and gives parents a true toolbox to choose from. As I mentioned in my review of the book, I don’t agree with everything in it, but I think it provides a balanced view of a lot of different approaches.
• The No Cry Discipline Solution (by Elizabeth Pantley)was recommended by Mel Gallant (@melgallant).
• Shanhila recommended Alfie Kohn’s article Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”. If you like that article, you can also check out his book Unconditional Parenting, which I found interesting, even if it was a bit condescending in tone and didn’t offer a lot of practical solutions. Or, if you want an amusing take on the “Good Job!” issue, check out Sharon’s (@sharondv) article 99 Ways to Say Great Job and 96 Phrases You Can Use During Sex.

There are also some specific discipline issues that come up during the toddler years that parents find challenging:

• Toilet Learning: Toilet learning is an issue for a lot of toddlers and a worry for a lot of parents. Check out  our experience with potty training,  Sarah’s (@inspiredparent) tips on Potty Learning with a Toddler, and Dionna’s (@codenamemama) Gentle Potty Learning Tips. Or, if you are still at the diaper change stage and finding that challenging, Dionna has some tips for Toddlers and Diaper Changes too.
• Losing the Pacifier: If your baby had a pacifier, then at some point they are going to have to let go of it. With ours, this went fairly smoothly (perhaps because they were still nursing when we took the pacifier away), but for some kids it can be quite a difficult process. Mel (@melgallant) wrote a post pondering their options in Soother Wars. Do you have any advice? Head over and help her out.
• Hitting: Of course, hitting your toddler is not okay. But what happens if your toddler hits you? Check out my 5 Strategies to Handle Toddler Hitting.
• Time Outs – Yes or No? I don’t think that time outs are a particularly effective form of discipline. But some parents who don’t want to spank their child, aren’t sure what else to do. Dionna (@codenamemama) put together Top 10 Ways To Avoid a Time Out and the Natural Parents Network (@natparnet) posted Six Alternatives to Time Out.

What other toddler discipline resources do you love? What are your thoughts on the 3Rs?

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Image credit: 3 Rs in order of appearance from left to right – christopher.woo, takomabibelot, lizjones112. Post contains affiliate links.