When I say “Next-Generation” leaders, I am saying that there are young leaders who are already leaders now. They will probably be leading the way for all of us in the Body of Christ, when this current generation of older leaders, will mainly be encouragers and mentors. 

There are young men and women who have potential.
Some are ‘in training’ – interns, volunteers or Bible students.

Young leaders should be asking,  “What should I do now that will help me for the future?”

My ‘fatherly’ and pastoral advice is:

1.  Be faithful with the opportunity that is before you.
The key to reaching the will of God in the long-term is being faithful with the opportunity that is before you today. Period.

It may not be the perfect situation in your mind but it IS in God’s mind because it’s the opportunity He has put in front of you.

“You want to be a leader?  Perfect.  Here is an opportunity in front of you.  Show us what you got.”

Today’s steps, lead you to tomorrow’s destination.  

When Jesus taught, “be faithful with the little things” – what do you think He meant?
The little things could be, attitude, words, things that your leader thinks is important but you don’t think is so important.  It could be small insignificant jobs.

Actors say, “There are no small parts, their are only small actors.”  I like the point that they are trying to make.  But the truth is – “There ARE small parts.”  That’s how you discover ‘small-minded’ actors.  That’s how you discover small-minded team members.

Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.  Galatians 6:10 NIV

2.  Be faithful with what belongs to another
How you handle someone else’s ministry is crucial.  Serve your leader.

Your goal is that ‘they’ shine.  When serving another, “their win” is the important thing.  You are not to suppose to change what they do or change them so that you can look good.  Help them reach their goals.

As a pastor, I’m paying someone to solve problems.  I can get new problems for free.  I can have new problems just by waking up in the morning.  Please don’t be the problem for your current leader.  That is a major ‘fail’.

We all want to hear “Well done good and faithful servant…”
It’s important that we understand: “You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.”
Only then will we experience, “Come and share your master’s happiness!”

Imagine the deep sense of frustration that Paul felt that caused him to write,
I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, that I also may be cheered when I receive news about you. ²⁰ I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare. ²¹ For everyone looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.  Philippians 2:19-21 NIV

Your current position is the proving ground for your ‘one and only life.’ Don’t mess it up!  Don’t mess with someone else’s ministry or organization.

3.  Make your transitions with honor & grace
Leave a situation or ministry better when you transition out, than it was when you got there.
Be honest but be graceful.

If you can’t be 100% honest with everyone in the congregation about your true feelings – get used to it, there is more of that ahead.  I’m not suggesting you need to be dishonest or deceptive.  But don’t sacrifice the congregation’s well being on the altar of self-indulgence or misguided self-righteousness.

Be graceful and honoring. Trust me, that is what you will want when you are in leader’s chair.  Don’t just disappear. That creates suspicion and damage.

 It’s easy to transition gracefully. Ask your leader,
            “What is the best way to transition out of this role?” 
            “What is the best timing?”
Things may be awkward but,
            “I want to be honoring to you and your position.”  

Don’t act like an adolescent in an argument and storm out of the room slamming the door behind you.

Young leader, don’t be like the woman in 1 Kings 3, who rolled over in the night and smothered her baby. 

She said to King Solomon, “Cut that baby in half.  I want my part.”  How weird is that?

“Split this congregation in half!  I deserve my part.”  Really?

You will discover that leaders are human.  They all make mistakes.  Leaders have strengths AND weaknesses. They have normal flaws like everyone.  Don’t let your leader’s humanity allow you to get bitter and resentful.

Trust God to sort out your leaders personality flaws.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” ²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:17-21 NIV

The Apostle Paul’s advice to his ‘son in the faith’ was,
Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. ¹⁶ Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.
1 Timothy 4:15-16 NIV

Be diligent – give yourself wholly to wisdom.
Watch your life closely.
Watch your doctrine closely.
Persevere in these matters.
Your life and other’s lives are at stake. 

• The President of the United States
• A university president
• A CEO of a hospital and
• A pastor

Is that true? Pastors love God and love people.  They get to pray for people, lead people to a faith in Jesus Christ and teach the Word about God.

That’s the dream job.  You can read the Bible all day, pray, play a little golf and preach.  I want to do that!!

Here is the secret.  Being a pastor is hard work.  It’s not for wimps. 

The reality is - the job of a pastor can be 24/7 and carry unique challenges.
Some pastors wear themselves out trying to help people.  Some wound their family because they are so involved in ministry.  Others flourish in their ministry and personal life.

Approximately 85% of churches in America have less than 200 people.  60% of churches are under 100 people. The average size congregation in US is 89 people, according to The Barna Group.  Staffs are small and needs are great. In many situations the pastor needs to be a Bible teacher, accountant, strategist, visionary,computer tech, counselor, public speaker, worship director, prayer warrior, mentor, leadership trainer and fundraiser.

Who can be all of that?

• *90% of pastors said the ministry was completely different than what they
  thought it would be like before they entered the ministry. 

• *70% say they have a lower self-image now than when they first started.

Personally, I love being a pastor.  I have a great staff.  We have great people in our church; I am content whether going through good times or difficult seasons.  Of course, it’s a lot easier to be ‘content’ when things are good. I have great friends who are pastors.  My marriage is strong.  I am a better man because of my time in ministry.

Some of the unique problems that pastors’ face are:

1.  Criticism –
Pastors can be criticized by a lot of people for a multitude of things.

  “Music is too loud.  Worship is not long enough.  It’s too long.”
“Sermon is not deep enough.  It’s too long.” 
“Pastor thinks he’s too important.  It took me 3 weeks to get an appointment.”
“You talk too much about money.”

“…can I talk to you for a minute, Pastor?”  This simple question can cause a pastor to think: “Oy vey. Now what?”

We pastors need to find a way to not take criticism so personally and learn from truths that could be hidden in the criticism.

2. Rejection –
Members leave, leaders leave and pastors’ friends leave. The reality is – people leave.

The smaller the church, the more obvious it is when people leave. Some leave for reasonable decisions, many leave ‘ungracefully’. They leave the big churches too - by the thousands.

People leave TD Jakes’ church and they leave Andy Stanley’s church.

When our church had about 150 people and some would leave – it was so disappointing.  I tried to console myself by thinking, “They may be leaving by the dozens here at Oasis but thousands have left Jack Hayford’s church and he’s a great pastor.”…That only helped for a minute.

 “I’m leaving.”
“We want something deeper.”  
“My needs aren’t getting met.”
These comments can feel like a personal rejection.

Every pastor has heard, “I’m not getting fed here.” Bill Hybels has heard it.  Wayne Cordero, Dino Rizzo, Ed Young, Craig Groeschel, Steven Furtick and Matthew Barnett have heard it.

Really?  Not getting fed?  In those churches? How is that possible?

One of the most difficult conditions to achieve is have a “Tough skin and a soft heart.”  Love people, hold them lightly and don’t take it personally. 
“…uhhh, OK.  Lord help us.”

3.  Betrayal
Trusting church members with personal burdens can backfire. They may end up telling the pastors personal issues to others. Staff leaders can take church members away. The pastor trusts a person with the platform or title and that person uses the influence given to them to take people away.  The Judas kiss.

Church staff causing problems is a betrayal.  Pastors rightfully think,  “I’m paying you to solve problems.  I can get new problems for free.  I don’t need to pay someone a salary to create them.” 

• 40% report a conflict with a church member at least once a month. 

• 85% of pastors said their greatest problem is they are tired of dealing with problem people, such as disgruntled elders, deacons, worship leaders, worship teams, board members, and associate pastors. 

• The #1 reason pastors leave the ministry is that church people are not willing to go the same direction and goal of the pastor. Pastors believe God wants them to go in one direction but the people are not willing to follow or change. 

• 40% of pastors say they have considered leaving their pastorates in the last three months.

We pastors have to find a way, with God’s grace, to love people as if we have never been hurt before.

5.  Loneliness
Who’s my friend?  Who can I trust? If I tell another pastor my problems will he criticize me, tell others or just treat me differently. 

• 70% do not have someone they consider a close friend.

Are my friends really my friends or a church member who is a temporary friend who may leave any day now?

Healthy friendships are crucial to a fulfilling life, especially to the well being of a pastor.  Put special effort in this area.

6.  Weariness 

• 50% of the ministers starting out will not last 5 years. 

• 70% felt God called them to pastoral ministry before their ministry began, but after three years of ministry, only 50% still felt called. 

Keeping personally refreshed is an art and a science… and extremely important.

When fatigue comes in – faith can dissolve. Weariness changes our interpretation of everything. Lack of refreshing times can make the glass that is ½ full – not only look ½ empty, but dirty, contaminated and undrinkable.

7.  Frustrations & Disappointments
Disappointments come in many ways.

Because of smaller congregations, the average compensation package for pastors is between $35,000 - $40,000.  There are many things pastors in this salary range are not able to do for their family that other people around them can do.

There are many areas of ministry that judging ‘success’ is difficult. Pastors can be hard on themselves. We work in an area that good work and good effort does not always guarantee success.

Many pastors work hard but are missing some kind of  ‘X-factor.’ They are good people, sincere believers, love God, know the Word, have great content in their sermons but somehow it’s not clicking.  It’s frustrating.

It’s like a worship leader who loves Jesus and has a great singing voice but somehow cannot lead people in an effective worship experience.

Some days leaders feel like they can’t seem to do anything right. The ministry finally gets momentum and then a leader in the church falls.  Things are going well and then a couple of your biggest givers leave.

The church needs money but the pastor doesn’t want to put too much focus on money.  It’s not about the money – but it becomes about the money.

All of this can be overwhelming. 

• 4,000 new churches begin each year and 7,000 churches close. 

• Over 1,700 pastors left the ministry every month last year. 

• Over 3,500 people a day left the church last year. 

• 50% of pastors feel so discouraged that they would leave the ministry if
  they could, but have no other way of making a living. 

• 45.5 % of pastors say that they've experienced depression or burnout to the extent that they needed to take a leave of absence from ministry. 

This is not the case for all pastors.  In fact many that I know have managed to handle these issues well. 

How Christians and church members can help.  

• Pray for your pastor
  Pray for guidance, protection, healthy friends, their marriage and family.
  Pray for inspiration, anointing, the leadership team, unity and clarity. 

• Protect your pastor
  As best you can don’t allow or participate in gossip and criticism.
  How can you help prevent overload?

• Encourage your pastor
  Thank him for his or her work and ministry. Thank them for their sacrifice.
  Tell them a specific time in which you or someone you know experienced a life change in their church.
  Honor them to others.  Let your pastors know you are praying for them.

According to the Barna report - the profession of “Pastor” is near the bottom of a survey of the most-respected professions, just above “car salesman”.

To Pastors
Don’t give up, pastor!  
Persistence is powerful.
Keep on. Really! Your work, your labor of love and your sacrifice matters.

I realize, the last thing a pastor needs is another sermon.  But these verses have helped me.  Hold on to God’s word with your life.

So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! ³⁶ Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.  Hebrews 10:35-36 NLT

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.  Gal. 6:9 NLT

Be careful of the comparison trap.
Looking at other ministries can be inspiring. Comparing yourself to other churches can be destructive and discouraging.

Make new pastor friends.  Expose yourself to new influences, new leaders, churches or ministries that are doing some things differently.

Discover to some fresh views and ideas.  Some times it just takes one or two new ideas that can change momentum around.

Pastors that are struggling or are no longer in ministry may have unresolved hurts. I encourage you to find healing. Seek counseling; find a local Celebrate Recovery; equip yourself with resources on healing (Some examples are Safe People or Boundaries) and share your secrets with safe people. Remember your only as sick as your secrets.

Pastors - I love you!  Leave a comment with your first name and I will pray for you.

*The Fuller Institute, George Barna, and Pastoral Care Inc. provide the statistics I have used in this blog.

For the past 6 years, Oasis Church has been praying and believing God for a miracle, well 3 to be exact.  To find a new venue, for our offer to be accepted and for the financial resources to come to pay for our new home. 2 miracles down, 1 to go. This truly is a Miracle Project. 

MIRACLE #1: TO FIND A BUILDING IN LA
This is like finding “a needle in a haystack”. Our prayer has been to find a building in LA with adequate parking, additional classrooms and more auditorium seating so we do not have to turn anyone away.
God has answered this prayer.

We found a building on Wilshire Blvd, 2 miles east of our current location, on Wilshire Blvd and Normandie. The building is currently Wilshire Christian Church. It is a church with a rich heritage that has a foundation that we can build on. The building has over 1000 seats, 1000 parking places and more classrooms and space than we have had before.

In the last 6 years, the buildings that we have found (and they were only a few) were in the $25 million range.  We can buy this building for $9 million.

It is a beautiful church building that was built in the 1920’s. It was the only church building on Wilshire in the early days.  The Brown Derby, The Ambassador Hotel and Wilshire Christian Church were the main and only buildings located there surrounded by homes of the wealthy. It was the Rodeo Dr of the 20’s & 30’s.  The rich and the famous went to church there.

This community has changed drastically in the last 70 years. The community is no longer wealthy, and is the most densely populated area of the US, west of the Mississippi River. There are thousands of people that need to hear the message of Christ.

MIRACLE #2: FOR OUR OFFER TO BE ACCEPTED
A David & Goliath battle… our church competing with organizations and businesses with large amounts of financial resources beyond ours.  Turns out we are “David”.  Our offer has been accepted.

Now it’s time for miracle #3.
This is our ‘walking on water’ moment.
This is our ‘going into the promise land’ time.
This is our ‘sun stand still’ prayer.

MIRACLE #3: THE FINANCIAL RESOURCES TO PAY FOR OUR NEW VENUE
Cash. We need cash.
We are selling our current building.
We have bank approval for a loan for a portion of the purchase price.
Now – it’s time for people who are part of Oasis Church and friends of Oasis to give.

We need to raise $2 million dollars in the next 60 days.

Will you help us step into this opportunity to continue to reach our city for Jesus Christ?

I’m asking you to give. I’m asking all of our Oasis family to sacrifice and give, to make this miracle a reality.

In the month of January we received pledges for $2.9 million for the Heart for the House project this year.  We need a lot of that soon.  We need a lot of that now.

People who can give $1000 need to give $1000 + $10.
People who can give $100,000 need to give $100,000 plus $1000.

I am praying that God will provide 2 people who will give $1 million each.

According to the LA Times, a few years ago when West Angeles COGIC, Pastored by Bishop Charles Blake, was building a new church building, Denzel Washington gave $2.5 million and Magic Johnson gave $5 million to that project.  That’s awesome.

Our church is just as important and just as valuable to the people in our part of the city as the great West Angeles is to the people they are reaching.

Over the past 28 years, thousands of lives have been changed in our House. Weary and broken hearts have found a safe place of refuge within our walls. Marriages have been strengthened and restored, destinies have been discovered, healthy relationships have been built, addictions have been broken, the prodigal son and daughter have been welcomed home, but most importantly, people have come to know Jesus Christ. All this happens in our House. 

Join us in seeing what God can do in the next several years in Los Angeles.

Trust in the LORD and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires.Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.  Ps 37:4-6

The lack of mature followers of Jesus in your life will result in difficulties that are unnecessary.
No friends.
Wrong friends.
Friends who you think are spiritually strong – but are not.

Some people enjoy a large church because of its focus on others while other people want a small, intimate church.

We believe that our church must become larger and smaller at the same time.
The size of the church does not change the opportunity for close connection.

How can a church grow large yet maintain close friendships?
Getting connected and growing at Oasis Church means participating in a ‘small group’.  At Oasis we call our ‘small groups’ - Connect Groups. 

They are one of the most important things we focus on at Oasis.

(They met) day after day, in the Temple courts and from house to house.
Acts 5:42 NIV

You know that I have not hesitated to preach anything that would be helpful to you but have taught you publicly and from house to house.  Acts 20:20 NIV

Connect Groups provide 3 things:

1. A place to Connect with others.

“…yes, whatever a person is like, I try to find common ground with him so he will let me tell him about Christ and let Christ save him.” 1 Corinthians 9:22 LB

2. A place for Protection.

We know what real love is because Christ gave up His life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our Christian brothers and sisters.
1 John 3:16 NLT

3. A place to Grow.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 NIV

Oasis CONNECT GROUP System

Variety of groups
Our groups are varied as we are, with various topics, various locations and various times of the week.Whatever your age, interest, or location - there is a group that is just right for you.

We have groups of all areas of focus from relationships, prayer, faith, outreach, and marriage and family. Our newest group is the Alpha Course- which I highly recommend- is for anyone exploring Christianity or wanting to grow in their faith after recently making a decision for Christ.

We have Celebrate Recovery: a group that helps people overcome grief, addictions of all kinds (sex, alcohol, drugs, food etc.)  It helps overcome insecurities, discouragement or relationship struggles.

We even have Financial Peace University, which would be a crucial class for most people.

Three semesters  
New groups start and stop three times a year—spring, summer and fall semesters. Each semester is kicked off with an online registration and a new small group directory.

We are signing up right now for our new Connect Groups.  I ask you to sign up this weekend at oasis in one of our 5 services. Or click on the link below to sign up today.
http://www.oasisla.org/life--oasis/connect-groups/

Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage each other.   Hebrews 10:25 (GN)

In our personal relationships we need – Frequency, Authenticity, Affinity,  Empathy, Humility,  Honesty, Mercy,  Confidentiality and  Unity. Connect groups provide the opportunity for all of these.

May the Lord make your love to grow and overflow to each other... so that you may stand before him guiltless on that day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns with all those who belong to him. 1 Thess. 3:12-13 LB

I am giving a new commandment to you now – love each other just as much as I love you. Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples.
John 13:34-35 LB

If you’re holding back – it’s not love.

“We need to love others as if we have never been hurt before.” Philip

“Here’s my heart – I give it to you.  It’s something I never thought that I could ever do.”

2. “I love you for who you are.  And I love you because of who I am – when I’m with you. “

3. “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”  Apostle Paul
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New Living Translation – NLT

4. “All love is sweet.  Given or returned.  Common as light is love, and it’s familiar voice wearies not ever.”  Percy Bysshe Shelley

5. Take care of your heart.  It’s what you love with.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” 
King Solomon, Proverbs 4:23 New International Version - NIV

6. “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.””  Jesus
John 13:34-35 New Living Translation – NLT

7. Love is the main purpose of the scriptures. 
The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.
1 Tim 1:5 New International Version - NIV

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  Apostle Peter
1 Peter 4:8 NIV

8. “We are all born for love.  It is the principle of existence and it’s only end.”  Benjamin Disraeli

9. “At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.”   Plato

10. “True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.”  Antoine-de Saint – Exupery 

What does love mean to you?

Today I feel so sad for this loss. I made a playlist that I will be listening for the next few days – which will help me process this. 

I’m sad for her mother Cissy, her relatives, and her young daughter Bobbi Kristina. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a daughter and/or mom at this young age.

One of the greatest pop voices in music history has been silenced now, as she passed away in her hotel room in Beverly Hills, CA. She was scheduled to appear at the Grammys in a tribute to her mentor Clive Davis. 

For the next few weeks, we will be reminded just how successful Whitney Houston was, in both the film and the music world. She was the most awarded female artist of all time and the only artist to chart seven No.1’s in a row on the Billboard Hot 100.  Only Michael Jackson and possibly Prince topped the success that Houston achieved at that time, and she did it without Auto-Tune. 

My favorite songs of hers are:
The Greatest Love of All
When You Believe
Who Would Imagine a King
Run To You
The 2009 chart topping, I Look To You
Even - Joy To The World, Star Spangled Banner and Jesus Love Me   

Her 1985 debut album, “Whitney Houston,” became the best-selling debut album by a female act at the time of its release. [Source: Wikipedia] 

Houston is the most awarded female recording artist of all time, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. Houston’s awards include:

2 Emmy Awards
6 Grammy Awards
30 Billboard Music Awards
22 American Music Awards [Source: Wikipedia]

After the success of The Bodyguard, Houston went on to become one of the highest-paid actresses in Hollywood. 

Whitney Houston’s 2002 conversation with Diane Sawyer was the highest-rated television interview in history. [Source: Wikipedia] 

She had the perfect voice and the perfect image. She was a gorgeous singer who had sex appeal but was never overtly sexual, an example many divas could learn from today. She maintained great poise for the first decade of her career. 

But then – it happened; another example that we MUST learn from. 

To be honest, she was such a troubled woman and it played out in the tabloids in drug abuse, a tumultuous marriage to ‘bad boy’ Bobby Brown, and erratic behavior in interviews.  It took it’s toll on her image. It was sad to see how all of that took the gift from her. 

Music soothes the soul. Music entertains. 
I love music and I love entertainment.
Music was created to honor God and inspire faith. 

Lessons We Must Learn From Whitney Houston and others:
I do not know what went on in Whitney’s world or her heart.  I do not judge her; I loved her like so many others did.  We must learn from what we observed from her journey. 

1.  Don’t Lose Sight of Your Purpose
I am a pastor in LA in the Hollywood area. 

I have seen, without exaggeration, thousands of young men and women come to LA and attend our church that are looking to reach their dream in Hollywood.

• I have seen many people discover great truths in their life and develop a great sense of purpose.  

• I have seen some become successful and maintain a real faith.  

• I have also seen most who become successful in the entertainment world lose their faith.

Discovering God’s will. His dream for your life is THE most important thing you can discover.  This is the great adventure in life.
Reaching OUR dream can lead us down the wrong path that can be heartbreaking and futile. 

I believe that Whitney Houston’s gift was for the entire world to share –but I also believe God gave her this gift – to use in His House. 

Don’t give up or neglect what God has called you to do because of ‘blessings’ that become the focus of your life. 

I’ve seen many people who have a gift to lead worship - and please know it IS a gift – then ignore God, the Giver of Gifts, so they can pursue fame.  Honoring God becomes a distraction.  This is so sad.  

There are former ‘worship leaders’ who were instrumental in leading anointed worship in the local church and then leave that to pursue careers without a focus on God.  It is deception to pursue a lower calling. 

I believe that Whitney was called to be a part of leading worship in the Local Church. 

In one song she sang, she says -
I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be 

Ironically – The Greatest Love is - love for others, it’s how we impact others – not for the love of ourselves. 

What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?  Matthew 16:26 NIV 

2.  The Choices That We Make are Crucial.
For us to think, “this won’t matter”, or  “I can do it this once,” is a deadly mistake for many people. 
One time is sometimes too much.  One time is often the last time you get to make a good choice.
People feel immune to the problems that hurt others.  The illusion of invincibility is a strategy of the enemy of our souls. 

Who you date matters. 
Who you marry is a choice that can change your entire life. 

Who you allow to influence you matters.  The voices that you listen to, is a choice that we make that can make us or break us. 

Houston was actually booed at the 1989 Soul Train Music Awards, because many Black fans at the time believed that she had “sold out” with her crossover success. When Houston’s name was called for nomination, audible jeers could be heard in the audience.  [Source: Wikipedia]  

The voice of racism manipulates the soul of everyone it touches. 

Are you really going to let the opinions of the broken, guide you in the life shaping decisions you are making? 

3.  Faith Must Be Genuine
Our faith, as a spiritual concept, is usually wasted unless it is heartfelt and changes how we live and establishes strong values that guide us. 

Faith is not what your parents believed, faith is not what you experienced in church as a kid and it is not what you sing about. 

Genuine faith is how you live.
Faith without works is dead. 

4.  We Are Not Immune to What We Think you are Immune To!
Whitney had a wonderful family.
She had a faith in Jesus Christ.
She had a community of faith around her.
She had success and was a personal inspiration to millions of people.
She had children. 

But that was not enough.
People underestimate the seduction of fame, money, power, and friendships with the wrong people can have on anyone.  It can control your life. 

We watch as people are destroyed in the entertainment industry and then we see thousands of people line up for auditions for American Idol, X-factor or move to LA to pursue the same dream that has killed thousands before them. 

What are you doing to protect yourself from what others have failed to protect themselves from? 

In an interview with Robin Roberts of Good Morning America Celine Dion said –
“Whitney has been an inspiration to me.  It’s very unfortunate that drugs, bad people or bad influences took her over.  It took over her dreams it took over love & motherhood. When you think about Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe and Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse and others, to get into drugs like that, for whatever reason?
Is it because of the stress and bad influence?
What happens when you have everything - you have love, support, the family, motherhood? You have responsibilities of a mother and then - something happens and it destroys everything.
That’s why I’m so scared.  I’m scared of ‘show business.’
It scares me.  That’s why I don’t hang out, go to parties.  That’s why I’m not part of that part of show business.  Because we have to be afraid.” 

Robin Roberts answered, “It is a demon …that people face.”  

These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. ¹² So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!  1 Corinthians 10:11-13 NIV 

We must learn from the lyrics of one of her songs…

And if, by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

I went into the local Starbucks and guess who I saw.  
It was the “Date Doctor.”

I was invited to sit down and drink my cappuccino while we talked.

The conversation was about people who have great qualities that would make a great spouse and yet – they remain single.

I said, “There are many young women in our church who are really sharp.  They are attractive, kind, insightful, intelligent and have a genuine faith in God, but it doesn’t seem like young men pursue them or they don’t date much.  Is this because men are intimidated? Is it because these women keep men at a distance?  What do you think that is?”

This is what the Date Doctor said.

“Every person and every situation is different.  I can’t say it’s one particular reason.  But here are some thoughts that might apply and issues to consider.”

1.  “All Business and No Play”
Sometimes women who are very bright and gifted in an area of life – wear that hat too often.  If a woman has found great value in business or ministry, they often send out the message – ‘I’m all business’ or “Ministry is all I think about.”

Remember to take your work hat off occasionally.  Take off the name badge and the title and be a person. 

Be the kind, interesting and humorous woman you are.
Can you be interested in what he is interested in?

2.  “I Don’t Need You”
Highly competent people can send the message – “I’m strong, I’m smart and I’m confident.  I don’t need men, I’m smarter than most men and I don’t need you.” 

It’s not intentional but the message is strong.

It’s not about surviving in life without a man – it’s about having some vulnerability.   Do you remember that quality?  It is human. 
Even Jesus needed his disciples to pray with him during his difficult time in the garden.

Men like to be ‘needed.’ 
A woman does not have to be ‘lost without a man.’  That’s not compelling to strong men. 
A woman does not have to be ‘needy’ – that’s a red flag.

But here’s the big secret. Men want to be needed.  They like to contribute.  They like to feel like they are helpful and needed.

3.  Dress to Impress
Men are visual.  Real beauty is in the heart.  Men are visual first.
There is no one standard of attractiveness.
Women who are often in sweat pants, a t-shirt, hair fixed as if you just don’t care, old jeans and no make up etc – are creating a big obstacle that is unnecessary.

Women protest, “But this is who I am.” 
We aren’t talking about who you are, we are talking about who men are.
“I just want to be me – if they can’t see who I am by my heart than I’m not interested.” 

…how’s that philosophy working out for you?

Even a wife that spends too much time in old flannel PJ’s and a raggedy robe is going to be wondering why her husband is not showing more interest.

It’s not that difficult.  Spend 15-20 minutes and just take a little extra time to enhance the beauty that God has given you.

4.  Maintenance Issues
Have you ever heard the phrase, “High maintenance”?
It’s not a good thing.

A person who is wound tight, very intense about everything, opinionated, critical, angry, bitter, skeptical of everything or the ‘my ideas are usually better’ & the ‘I like to just say what I think’ person – is not attractive to an emotionally healthy man.

Genuinely caring about others and a focus on the interest of others is one sign of emotional stability and maturity.

5. The problem could lie with the men in your life.
But you can't do much about their problems .

Well – there you go.
After the “Date Doctor” and I finished talking – I thought, “I’m not sure what I think about all that.”

What do you think?

Relationships often feel like a game.
“Should I say that? If I do, he might think …I mean this.
“I remember last time he misunderstood and thought I was angry.”
“When she did that – does that actually mean she likes that or does it mean she’s just doing it because I want to?”

It’s like a game of chess. You’re supposed to anticipate the next few moves of your opponent.  Judging from my experience with chess - I guess I’m “Check!”

We say to ourselves that relationships are the most important thing in life, but often we don’t feel like we are good at them. 

            Key Qualities Necessary to Win the Relationship Game 

1. Honor
Honor is showing high respect, for the worth, merit, or rank of a person.   

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10 NIV 

We are not a very honoring society.  Honor does not come as easy as it should.
Honoring does not even come very naturally to a Christian’s world. 

If your relationship is breaking down, I guarantee you that Honor is missing.
It is either lack of honor being shown to you, or your lack of showing honor to others. 

Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own town and in his own home.”   Matt 13:57 NIV 

2. Communication 

Effective communication is the most important quality in relationships and the most difficult.  Every one of us needs to work on it – continually. 

It’s not easy or natural. 

I was driving on the freeway and someone behind me flashed their lights.
I thought, “Give me a break here! I’m already going 75. There is a car in front of me, you want me to get out of your way so you can tailgate them like you are me…?” 

A couple days later I was driving and I noticed that my parking lights were on. So I tried to turn them off but I turned the dial the wrong way, causing all the lights to turn on. Then I turned it the other way to them off. (so it appeared to the car in front that I flashed my lights at them…)

I was hoping that they realized that I wasn’t trying to flash my lights at them, I was just turning them off. 

If we are weak in the area of communication or our friend is weak in this area of communication – it will make the other challenging areas in the relationship more difficult. 

A. One great goal in communication is Honesty. Being real. ‘Uncomplicated’ is one of the best and refreshing qualities in relationships.
No hidden agendas, no manipulations and no wondering. 

… speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ.  Eph. 4:15 NLT

We need to have both of these, truth and love when we communicate to others.
It’s not necessary to declare brutal truths.
And we don’t want to express misguided love that’s not honest.  That equals dysfunction.   

• There are those who can’t tell the truth because they don’t want to risk hurting your feelings. 

• We can train others to be dishonest with us.  

• There are those who aren’t honest with themselves so they can’t be honest with you. They think they believe something, but they don’t. 

B.  Another goal is clarity.

It’s about what we communicate and how we communicate it. 
We don’t just communicate the information with our words but also with our tone. 

We communicate by our words, actions and attitudes.
We communicate by what we do and what we don’t do. 

3 Important Things to Communicate Clearly to Others: 

• Your expectations
• Agreements
• Their value 
• Your feelings 

Listening is the most important factor in communication.
Immature people don’t see things from someone else’s point of view.
Maturity is the ability to see and act on behalf of others. 

Nelson Mandela said: “If you talk to a man in the language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.”

3.  Navigating the Inner Circles of Relationship 

The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26 NIV

 Jesus loved the 5000 – Jesus had compassion on them.
Jesus worked with 70 - He gave them direction.
Jesus spent personal time with the 12.  He was close to them.
Jesus was closest to 3 – Peter, James and John.  They were in His inner circle. 

People must ‘earn’ the right to be in the inner circles of our life by how they treat you and how they live their life. 

The biggest mistake in relationships is violating or misunderstanding who belongs in the inner circle.  We bring people into our inner circle, who belong in the outer circles. 

People today, often reveal to others on Facebook, what should be an inner circle conversation  “I’m depressed today, I need prayer.”  Too much information! That should be shared with people closer to you. 

Trust is earned.
Letting people in because they ‘want in’ or are ‘pursuing you’ is a big mistake.
People start dating and go from 0 to 100mph in 2 weeks. Slow down. Let them earn the right to be closer to your heart. 

Letting someone in because you love them is not the most important criteria. 

“Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.”  Mike Murdock

 Be willing to earn trust.

 Live the kind of life that says, ‘the closer they get to me – the more they respect me.”

Leaders are consistent with their discipline and consistently express clear expectations. Discipline is fundamentally a matter of leadership. I have spoken to and studied leaders in all fields of life. One thing they have in common is consistency with their message. They role model what they expect and then they keep on task. With an excellent leader there is seldom a doubt about who is in charge and the purpose for what they are doing. Even though all parents aren’t business leaders, they are the leaders of their home. The question in many homes of rebellious teenagers is “Who’s in charge?” This question must be settled with everyone in the home, and the only healthy answer is that the parents must take the lead. Inconsistency or poor role modeling or guidance will place your kids in a leadership position that isn’t healthy for anyone. 

What does leadership mean? It means a parent must eliminate any power struggle from the relationship. Resolve the authority issues. I tell people almost every week in parenting seminars, “Don’t argue and don’t fight with your kids.” It is way too difficult to mentor and lead if you and your children are fighting and arguing all the time. 

We have a daughter who could win most of the arguments in our home. She is dynamic and articulate and can argue either side of an issue. When she was a teenager she like to argue for the sake of arguing and stretched the boundaries whenever possible. There were times she was just exhausting. Then one day a therapist friend gave us two words of advice: Quit arguing. Cathy and I had to learn to lead. If you think about it, people seldom argue with their leaders. We had to hold our ground and let our daughter know who was boss. 

Holding your ground can be wearisome, but it is always worth it (although you probably already know this from your own life experience). To help communicate with our kids about discipline-related issues, Cathy and I came up with what I call “Confident Parenting Talking Points.” I wrote about them in greater detail in my book, Confident Parenting. 

1. “I feel your pain.” If your children know your expectations and they break them, or if they suffer consequences from their poor decisions, let them know you care and that you feel their pain. You have empowered your teenager to make healthy decisions, but if she doesn’t do that, you can show her empathy while holding her accountable. In a recent HomeWord radio broadcast, John Rosemond shared what he told his kids: “If I was your age, I’d feel the same way. The answer is still no, but you are doing a great job expressing yourself.” 

2. “Nevertheless.” This might be the most important word in the English language to show our kids who really is the leader. Yes, we do feel their pain and we are listening; nevertheless, the consequences are going to stay. Adapting John’s words to his kids, I’d say, “I can understand how you feel, and I might have felt the same way when I was your age. Nevertheless…” 

3. “Life isn’t fair.” The sooner your kids understand that life isn’t fair, and that whining and complaining won’t get them what they want, they will quit trying the make-it-fair game. Whenever you can, let reality be the teacher for your kids. If whining and manipulating works for a child, even some of the time, it is the parent who has to live with the consequences. Here are some more wise words John Rosemond shared in one of our radio broadcasts together: “Parents should not agonize over what a child fails to do or does, if the child is perfectly capable of agonizing over it themself.” Whatever your child’s age, it’s about time they learn the truth that life isn’t always fair, but it sure can be good.

We actually decreased down to 10 people a couple of Sunday’s during the first few months.  …Painful!

Starting right is so important.  Starting wise and strong is an important part of the journey.

We made many mistakes in getting started – (I can’t bear to tell you all of them but) here are 7… http://tinyurl.com/6p638ee

1. Not having a church or pastor supporting me
2. Not having a clear & impassioned vision
3. Not planning the launch date with wise timing for your family life

4. Not Choosing A Visible, Easy to Find and Adequate Location
You know what they say, ”Location, Location, Location.”

This is a hard one because on one hand you’re just happy to find any place.  We looked at schools, community centers, wedding chapels and hotel banquet rooms.

I thought about all those odd places that ‘successful churches’ started in – God blessed them and they grew anyway!!!
…Apparently we weren’t going to be one of those.

Adequate space for children that was safe, clean and close enough to the main room, turned out to be important.  
Plenty of close and accessible parking is good.
Restrooms that were clean and well lit are a plus.  Some people weren’t there for strictly ‘spiritual reasons’.
A location that’s simple to find was huge.

It’s hard to believe now, the location we ‘picked out’ then.  We started our church in a middle school auditorium.  It was about 2 miles up into the hills, off of a main road. The location was hard to find, not to mention in a very uncomfortable and uninspiring room.  In the winter months, it was too cold.  It felt like you could hang meat in there.  Even for LA – it was too cold.  No heat and no air-condition.  What were we thinking?

You don’t have to ‘force’ the start of your new church by starting in a ‘poor’ location.  God will provide the right place. 

5. Not Building the Right Launch & Leadership Team
Your ‘launch team’ and ‘leadership team’ are crucial.
Your launch team will probably end up being different than your ‘leadership team.’

Your launch team should be made up of people who share your vision and are willing to dedicate themselves to help you plant this church.

ARC suggests you have about 35 people on your launch team.
We had about 5 people.  We prayed together…. but not much else.  We didn’t even prepare intelligently.

Be careful about choosing people just because they’re interested.  Willing and faithful people are the best.

The launch team and leadership team should be different than “breathing, living bodies that will come to your church”.  The launch and leadership team are people who respect you as their new pastor; people who believe that God has called them to serve you and to invest tremendous time and energy into your vision and giving birth to a miracle.

Some friends love you and enjoy hanging out with you but will have a difficult time considering you “their pastor”.

In-laws, frustrated and disgruntled church members from other “less spiritual churches than yours is going to be”, former but divisive leaders, or people you’ve talked into coming, do not make ‘a healthy launch team’. 

6. Not Starting With Enough Money
We started with 10 people and about $100.
We believed God would provide all the money we needed in the tithes and offerings after we started.

…If only everyone attending believed that too.

So lets re-evaluate.  Not enough people on an unprepared launch team, not enough money and a bad location. Nice.

Today, church planters should probably raise between $75,000 to $100,00 to begin the new church plant.

It’s important to raise money before you get started. It could help you make it through times of change.  It helps you through the lean Sundays.  No need to stress about everything.

When you raise that much money - It’s evidence that you actually have people who support your vision – not just with their words and well wishes but their heart.

7. Not Having Adequate Pre-Launch Meetings
Have meetings that include vision casting, discipleship and planning.
Have times of prayer and worship.  Have strategy meetings.  This could take 4 to 6 months.  It’s not a hard rule but it allows you to truly know people on your team and how they will work together with you.

Work this.  One church planter told me, “we are having 2 months of monthly meetings.”  That does not sound like ‘monthly meetings’ to me - it sounds like …2 meetings.  That is not a great strategy.

Plan rehearsal services or run-throughs with sound, lights and prayer.

Take your time.  Get accomplished what those meetings are supposed to accomplish. 

Don’t hand out titles too early.  It’s not necessary.  You want servants not people who want a title.  Appointing elders, assistant pastors and official ‘who-evers’ can turn normal people into a time bombs ready to blow.  Choosing the right people is crucial.

These few issues can help you have a stronger start.

What mistakes did you make launching a church?