The Phoenix is dead

The Phoenix News is reportedly no longer in operation. Our various sources (who choose to remain anonymous) say that UBCO’s own student newspaper never recovered from their removal from campus this last summer.

“They were, just like, not paying money or something? To the school? And now they’re gone, I think,” one source claims.

Another source reports that all mediums are shut down for The Phoenix; physical copies of the paper have ceased printing, and The Phoenix’s own website is reportedly shut down and inaccessible.

This development comes as a shock to many students who swear they have seen evidence of The Phoenix’s presence on campus. One source reports an unidentified man came to her classroom to pitch student contribution to the paper. “He kept saying how ‘anyone can write for The Phoenix’… He said that like, five or six times. Someone raised their hand and said ‘I thought The Phoenix is dead’, and just like that, he left. The professor locked the doors and called campus security. She seemed pretty shaken up about it.”

Other students report seeing physical copies of The Phoenix on campus. “I was walking through the Arts Building’s entry foyer and thought I saw a stack of papers out of the corner of my eye,” another source states. “But when I turned my head, it was just a member of the Comp Sci Course Union selling cupcakes. Right as I turned forward again to leave, it looked like he winked at me.”

The Phoenix’s discontinuation is perhaps most surprising to the newspaper’s own staff, who claim they had no idea they were out of the job. “I mean, I knew something was a little off,” claims Alexandra Barberis, The Phoenix’s News Editor. “I’ve still been getting cheques since we got kicked out, but they’re made out to ‘CASH’ now. And they’re written in dark red ink for some reason.”

Some speculate these instances to be some sort of mass hallucination induced by food purchased at Taco del Mar, UBCO’s most recent addition to the UNC.

While no one on campus seems to be certain of The Phoenix’s current status, discussion concerning what to do with the newspaper’s office space is already underway in the UBCSUO. Early suggestions range from a “doggy daycare” to a “drunk tank” for The Well Pub.

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