Everyone has up’s and down’s in their love lives, most commonly there are “those relationships” you’d rather forget, but should you forget them entirely? Why not use negative experiences from your love life to prevent you from making similar mistakes in your career? At least you’ll have something to show from those lousy relationships!

Although using a one-night-stand in your work environment isn’t recommended, there are some popular relationship problems which can be likened common career complaints. You can learn from these mistakes to resolve pressing issues in your career.

The Stale Marriage

Much like a weathered marriage, you’ve hit that point in your career where you generally feel BORED. You may feel that there’s no opportunity for progression within the company you work for and getting out of bed to go to work has become more challenging than the role itself. You feel you can’t just quit because you have financial outgoings and a family you need to support but the job is making you miserable.

In this situation you have 3 options: to stick it out and remain miserable and unfulfilled but financially sound; try relationship counselling to mend the damage or file for a divorce.

If you’re constantly miserable you’re not helping anyone; yourself or your family. It can also have effects on your health such as depression and fatigue. Taking no action means things will only get worse.

Trying “relationship counselling” with your boss is a viable option. Speak to your boss and say how you feel your skills would be better utilised in a higher role with more responsibilities. If you work for an organisation which values its employees then they should be open to negotiation (providing you’ve proved your worth), if not then maybe you should consider whether a job elsewhere would be more fulfilling and gain you more respect.

If the counselling really hasn’t worked then it’s time to file for a divorce. Your health and happiness is more important than the money your job brings – you have to take a few risks in life to be successful. To avoid putting a financial strain on your family, continue your employment in your current role until you’ve been accepted for another position elsewhere.

The Comparative Couple

This situation is similar to when you compare your relationship to other friends’ or family member’s relationships, common thoughts are “why’s my relationship not as passionate as theirs?”, “why don’t we do things as a couple like them?” This can also happen in your career if one of your friends or family members gets a new job, jealousy can rear its ugly head and occupy your mind.

This can be a dangerous situation to be in as you may begin to question your career or feel dubious about your job. The first thing to consider is why you are feeling jealous of other people’s jobs. Perhaps there’s more of an underlying issue; are you feeling undervalued at work? Do you need more feedback on your development from superiors?

The key here is to address you own issues and forget about your friend’s passion for their new job. Focus on what drove you to apply for your current job in the first place. Perhaps you’re feeling complacent in your role and need a new challenge, talk to your boss about the possibility of taking on new responsibilities that will challenge you. You’ll soon forget about your friend’s career as you buzz off your new accomplishments.

The Honeymoon Period

When you first start a new job you’re filled with excitement; meeting new people, learning new skills and taking on new challenges can all be exhilarating. Much like newlyweds however, this honeymoon period has to come to an end as normality sets in. For some people this isn’t a problem, for others it can cause them to come down with a crash and feel bored, stressed and even miserable.

As routine begins to set in you have to accept that certain aspects of the daily grind will begin to irritate you – the same commute will bore the life out of you and your colleagues will irritate you beyond belief but that will probably happen with every job and usually wanes with time! If you really feel like you’re not fitting in after a considerable amount of time then maybe you could ask for a transfer or look for a new job elsewhere.

When it comes to relationships there’s plenty to be learned from bad experiences. Rather than dwelling on them and feeling filled with regret, you may as well use them to build on in the future. Prevent the same mistakes from happening in your career as well as your love life!

This was a guest post written by Stephanie Staszko who writes career building tips and advice for Blue Octopus. They can help you to find a job if your current one’s driving you stir crazy.

Whether you have just started in the world of work or a seasoned professional, establishing a successful work-life balance can prove difficult challenge. Having a good work life balance is a huge factor in your general happiness and well being. We all feel pressured to work and worry about work and we are all pressured to be out with friends or family every night. Pressure comes from all around you and before you know it you are stressed at work and not going out.

The outcome is that you will be unhappy and this will affect not just you but your friends and family. Achieving balance will mean you will be happy with your life as a whole and enjoy work and appreciate the time you have when it comes. So with that in mind, here are the three ways that can help you find your work life balance and feel better as a result.

1)Know your boundaries

An important life skill, knowing your boundaries is a instinct that you learn as you age and that you learn to trust. Knowing your limits is a highly respectable trait, one which many wish they listen to. Your body will tell you when something is wrong and listening to these signals is a sure way to helping a work life balance. When I first started work I was always meeting up with my friends after work to chat and have a couple of drinks, it normally resulted in me coming home late and although i always had a great time, I also remember being absolutely shattered everyday for work. Simply put, there was no balance. When your body says you are tired or ill or out of sync, know when to go home and relax. Only going out a few nights a week, will mean that you get a regular routine of sleep, which will help you feel refreshed at work. Also not partying ever night will save you money, this will mean you can buy that item that you always wanted or go to that place you have dreamed of. It is important to plan in advance, not weeks in advance, not even days, but just make sure you set out when you meet up, what you are going to do and when you will be heading home. This leads us onto the next point.

2) Always make time for yourself

We all love those days where we stay in bed and do nothing. Physically and psychologically having time to yourself, where you can reflect, unwind and relax, can be hugely beneficial. Sometimes a busy week can take its toll on the body and mind. A day to relax in front of the TV can do a world of good and allow you to charge your batteries for whatever the future may bring. Knowing that you are the priority means that you will take time to appreciate what you like doing and as a result you will be more independent and less susceptible to peer pressure. This is a huge step to having a work life balance as you will be able to say no and as a result gain more self respect. It would not be wise just to stick to things that you like and never go out, having new experiences is a great part of life, making time for yourself is simply a step to help you manage your time better.

3) Learn to switch off

Once you step out of the office, work has finished, relax and forget about any work issues or deadlines, taking your problems home with you or to work is always going to end badly. It is your time and you should do what you want with it. This does not mean that everyone ends up with two contrasting lives. Simply that taking a fresh look at life and putting things into perspective can mean huge things for your general well being. You could start to worry less and be more enthusiastic about life. Knowing that there is more to life than just work will liberate many people and help them achieve true happiness. I never lose sleep over work now, I turn up to work fresh and enthusiastic and I still go out a couple of times a week with friends and family. As a result, I feel I have achieved my perfect work life balance and I am happier for it.

Everyone should take a step back and ask themselves do I have a good work life balance? Is work affecting you motivation to socialise or is partying all night affecting your work. Either way a balance has to eventually occur and everyone will have a different level, but most importantly it is what works for you and at the end of the day, what makes you happy.

Bio: Written by Tom Tolladay, an event’s organiser for www.chillisauce.co.uk. Tom has also written for sports website caughtoffside and is a contributor for the International Institute of Event Management. You can contact Tom on his blog www.eventsuppliers.co.uk

Whatever your plans are for the coming year, your friends can help.

You might be reluctant to let them. Perhaps you feel that accepting help will lessen your own achievement – or you’re worried that your friends might laugh at your goals and ambitions. You might think that asking for help is futile: the people you know might not possess the skills or knowledge that would be valuable to you.

The truth is, no-one achieves much if they work entirely alone. And by allowing others to help, you not only increase your chances of success, you also reinforce your relationship with them.

Even if your friends can’t offer advice about your new venture, they can still support you. Here are three key ways in which friends (and family, and co-workers) can help you reach your goals.

#1: Encouragement

Friends don’t need to share your goals in order to be encouraging. Your best friend might not know much about nutrition and exercise, but he can cheer you on when you’re trying to lose weight. Your sister may have no interest in writing a novel herself, but she can ask you how yours is going.

Some friends are naturally encouraging; make sure you let them know about your plans and your progress. They’ll probably be delighted for you, and keen to find out how you’re getting on.

If you’ve got a strong friendship group online, perhaps on Twitter or Facebook, that’s a great place to turn for encouragement and for accountability. You might want to post your weekly weight loss or your weekly word count or some other meaningful metric related to your goal.

#2: Practical Support

Although encouragement can be a huge boost to your motivation, it often isn’t enough to get you to your goal. Practical support is invaluable, and may well make the difference between success and failure.

This type of support might help free up time: your friend could babysits your kids on a Thursday night so you can go to Weight Watchers, or your spouse takes care of the chores so you can study. It could also involve resources: a co-worker lends you a useful book, or your friend gives you some exercise equipment that they no longer want.

#3: Advice

This final type of help is directly related to your goal. Good advice can save you lots of time, money and energy. If you’re lucky enough to have a friend or family member who’s pursued a similar goal, or who has expertise in this area, don’t be afraid to ask them for advice.

If you’re starting up your own business, for instance, and you have a cousin who did something similar five years ago, ask them what they wish they’d known then. People will usually be very happy to talk about their experiences and to share their knowledge.

Your Wider Network

Unless your friendship circles revolve around a shared set of goals or hobbies, you’ll probably find that you have some plans that no-one seems to be able to help with. Perhaps you’re keen to go to grad school, but none of your friends and family can offer any practical support or advice, or you want to learn the guitar but don’t know where to begin.

Start to look beyond your own circle, towards friends of friends. Although you might not know anyone who can help, your friend might have a relative or a contact who can lend a hand. Tell everyone what sort of information or support you’re looking for, and ask if they know anyone who can help.

You might feel nervous about approaching friends of friends. A great way is through a short, friendly email. Be specific about how they can help. You might write something like:

“John Smith suggested that I get in touch with you. I’m starting up my own small business as a graphic designer and I’m struggling to set my rates. Would you recommend charging by the project or by the hour? Do you have any tips for giving accurate quotations? Thanks so much.”

One of the best ways to achieve your goals faster is to let others help you. Who could you turn to today for encouragement, practical support or advice?

Distressful situations are a fact of life- a human predicament that seems hell-bent on blocking our attempts towards personal nirvana and impairing our ability to function. Though it may be unpleasant to have to stop and collect yourself in response to a personal difficulty, there may be times when you may not even have that “luxury.”

If you find yourself in an usually stressful or painful situation, yet still need to maintain some level of performance in either your personal or professional life, then keep the following four tips in mind:

1. Give yourself some slack! The very first step towards staying productive when difficulty strikes is accepting the fact that you will likely not be at your peak performance. To the best of your ability, you need to lower the bar. Otherwise, the stress of having to continue producing and performing, can just add to and prolong your hardship, not to mention sap away the strength and energy you need to cope with the situation.

2. Limit the quick pick-me-ups. When stress is high, people tend to reach for quick and easy pick-me-up’s, such as alcohol, junk food, and even antidepressant medication. This happens even though most people are aware of the negative consequences of binging on alcohol and junk foods, and the negative side effects of taking antidepressant medication over the long-term have been well-documented. While these kinds of crutches can be helpful since they provide a temporary “breather” from all the gloom and doom, they need to be used with moderation. If not, then the “side-effects” will far out-weigh any short-term benefits, disrupting your natural ability to cope and stay productive.

3. Your support system is key. The biggest and most effective tool you can have to help you deal with adversity is the network of people you choose to surround yourself with. This network can include close friends, family, mentors, a life coach, and where necessary a qualified professional, such as a psychologist. Not only can these people offer physical assistance and clarity, but they can be a source of inspiration, emotional support, and a place from which you can draw the strength to keeping going.

4. Maintain your physical balance. If you want to give yourself the best chances of staying productive then make an effort to eat and sleep properly and get some exercise. Though this may seem self-evident, often a person’s physical needs are the first to be sacrificed when difficulty strikes and this only adds to the problem. Not only should you try your best to maintain your normal, daily routine, but you should make an effort to avoid exorbitant amounts of junk food, caffeine, alcohol and refined sugars that are low in nutritional value and high in calories.

In short, though a distressful situation may slow you down, with a little care and some common sense, it doesn’t have to completely stop you in your tracks.

Gary Barzel is the manager of business development for Fastupfront. Fastupfront offers business loan alternatives for existing businesses in need of working capital.

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“Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of Universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life.” – The Dalai Lama

Responsibility is one of the most important skills your child can learn. It influences all pursuits in life, affecting your child’s ability to make friends, to excel in school and to excel in her career.

Most parents understand the importance of being productive and responsible, but are unsure of how to begin teaching this skill to their children.

Children often learn best when they are having fun. Games teach children that life skills don’t have to be boring and encourage children to think about problems in unique ways.

Here are 5 ways to make learning responsibility fun:

Timed Competitions

Children love to compete with their siblings and friends, and even the most boring tasks can be turned into a game when you add a competitive edge. Try giving your child a set amount of time in which to complete a task. Announce, “Whoever can get their room clean first wins!” Or try saying, “Whoever can put away the most dishes in 10 minutes gets to go to bed late!” Tasks that your children were previously loathe to complete will suddenly become fun family activities.

Problem Solving Games

Children are creative thinkers who, when given the chance, can come up with unique solutions to problems. They especially love when they can display their knowledge to adults and think of things grown-ups couldn’t. Try presenting a family problem to your children. For example, if you’re having trouble getting children to participate in your dog’s care, try saying, “Muffy needs to be house-trained. Whoever can come up with the best strategy for potty training the dog can go to bed late for a week!” Your child will suddenly become invested in a task both you and he previously had little interest in.

Reward Systems

Child psychologists have found that rewarding good behavior is much more effective than punishing bad behavior. If there’s a particular behavior you’d like for your child to improve, a gold star chart can be the ticket to responsibility. Simply place a chart on the refrigerator and give your child a sticker every time she does the right thing. When the chart is full, she gets a special reward such as a toy, later bedtime, or family outing.

Teaching Parents

Children want, more than almost anything else, to have the same privileges as adults. They love being treated as mature grown-ups and will do just about anything to have their opinions respected. You can use this to your advantage by encouraging your child to teach you something about responsibility. Pose a specific problem to her and ask her to research the solution. Give her lots of crafts supplies and encourage her to put together a presentation to teach the whole family. For example, if your dog needs better dental care, ask your child to figure out how to keep the dog’s teeth clean. You may be amazed at the solutions she comes up with, and she’ll relish the opportunity to play expert.

Taking Someone Else’s Perspective

Empathy is the ability to place yourself in someone else’s shoes and predict how he might feel. It encourages responsibility toward others and a healthy respect for rules. This skill must be nurtured in children for them to develop it. Play games with your child that encourage her to adopt alternative perspectives. For example, while driving in the car, ask your child, “What do you think the woman behind us is thinking right now?” When children get into a fight, ask them, “Why do you think your brother is mad at you?” If you are angry at your child, ask her, “What would you do right now if you were the mom?” This not only gives your child the opportunity to think about other people. It also helps you to understand why your child does the things she does.

About the Author

Jane Warren is a freelance writer providing valuable tips and advice for consumers and families. Her numerous articles offer money saving tips and valuable insight on all types of family and pet-related topics.

Photo Credit: Doug Robertson

Every single year most people get stuck in the same cycle regarding fitness. As the days grow shorter and colder we exercise less. When you add in holiday laziness and indulgence, along with an over abundance of delicious food, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why so many of us start adding extra pounds.  So should you wait until spring to start losing weight or just look for ways to not add it during the winter?

An ounce of prevention

As Ben Franklin said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” While I doubt he was talking about keeping a trim waistline, the saying is very accurate. It is extremely easy to gain excess weight and fat. Simply add a few extra helpings of dessert each week and watch those pounds add up. But conversely you have to burn 3500 calories of energy to lose a pound of fat. That equals 3 1/2 hours of hard cycling, over 4 hours of step aerobics, or 5 hours of jogging.

Where to start?

Psych yourself up for staying in shape! One of the more overlooked aspects of weight gain and weight loss is the proper mindset. If you aren’t focused on a particular goal then you won’t reach that goal. For staying in shape the easiest way to forge that focus is by placing attention firmly on your abdominals. Far too many people think the all-mighty scale is the best tool. They will agonize over every little pound. But honestly, a scale gives a raw number which does not consider how you actually look. Overwhelmingly when people consider being ‘in-shape’ they think of a trim midsection.

• Work out your abdominals every other day. Do it in the morning before breakfast.
• Before you get in the shower, take a good look at your stomach. Consider how it is now compared to how you want it to look.
• Use your morning visualizations and ab soreness as motivation during the day to eat right and avoid the bad foods.
• Always bring a water bottle with you and drink frequently.
• Find some sort of easy exercise to do a few times a week and stick to it. The goal is to offset any extra calories you might consume.
• Keep a picture with you of the type of shape you want to be in. Use it for motivation when a food craving hits.

Mind over body

People can accomplish any number of goals in life if they have the proper mind set. A focused attention can easily overcome obstacles. By looking at your midsection as a point of focal point and using that as your motivation, you can avoid the roller coaster weight gain most people go through over the winter months. Then when spring arrives you will be ready to hit the ground running for fun instead of spending all of those hours working off excess weight.

Nick Walden is a fellow fitness enthusiast who enjoys a healthy and active lifestyle while developing mind and intelligence.

According to recent surveys millions of Americans report being in a bad mood this winter. According to researchers this shift in mood is a result of much more than the woes that come with Holiday depression. In current years, I have been among those millions. Maybe you are, too.

Psychologists call this phenomenon being “seasonally-affected.” Many in the scientific community consider it a temporary physiological change in body rhythms and internal chemistry due to more than just mood fluctuations during the Holidays, but giving credit to the lack of sunshine and light during these cold, dark months. After all, light is a source of natural energy for our minds and our bodies. So it goes without saying that the less light we have in our environment, the less likely we are to naturally feel exuberant like we may during the brighter months of the year.

Nonetheless, despite what we call it or what the reason behind it is, people from all walks of life are experiencing the “winter blues” at an ever-increasing rate. The good news is they are finding ways to cope with it. The bad news is their coping methods aren’t always effective or positive. We may even be contributing to other unhealthy symptoms and ailments, which may negate emotional well-being in the long-run.

For example, the most widely reported coping methods for beating the winter blues are:

• Calling in sick to work in order to escape the “daily grind”
• Finding personal leisure time (reading, relaxing)
• Stress alleviation techniques (like Yoga or meditation)
• Dietary supplements (such as calming herbal remedies or even multi-vitamins)
• Sleeping in or sleeping extra (guilty as charged)
• Resorting to “comfort” foods (guilty as charged again)
• Resorting to drugs or alcohol…

I’m not on anyone’s personal ethics committee (at least not to my knowledge) but we can’t help but notice the potential harm in some of these coping strategies. Obviously, some of them are positive, such as finding ways to unwind and find stress alleviation naturally, through Yoga, breathing exercises, meditation. Even using quality, wholesome nutritional supplements seems positive and highly beneficial.

But, it’s also obvious that some methods – such as drugs, alcohol, and even indulging in comfort foods – are not only negative ways to cope with winter blues and stress, but they always do more harm than good in the long run.

Alas, there is hope. Following are five extremely positive and healthy ways to cope with the blues this winter which others and myself have found incredibly effective and useful:

1. Make Time for Your Self. I don’t just mean to find time for leisure or to do nothing at all when you do find time for your self. This may entail taking time for your own personal development and growth as well. Commit to reading books or finding programs that help you to achieve growth and mastery of your well-being. Take night classes on a subject you’ve always had an interest in learning but have never taken the time to engage in. Stimulating the mind through learning new information and skills as well as improving your social life never hurts! Putting yourself first means you’ll always be able to give your best to everyone else in your life. (Note: If you find that leisure time leaves you thinking more and more about being depressed or in a hopeless mood, this is an especially useful technique. Sometimes doing nothing isn’t always the key to having quality time to your self. Life is really about balance, so find out what works for you and stick with it.)
2. Create and Be Your Own Sunshine. For those who do suffer from the winter blues it may seem like an impossible task for us to be happy or joyful during these months of the year when the world around us is virtually devoid of all light and sunshine. One method for increasing energy and well-being is to create your own sunshine. This means you create your own internal sunshine by illuminating on your positive traits and characteristics, on your unique strengths and value, by stating them in the form of positive affirmations. Affirmations are self-empowering statements that can be used to accentuate our positive qualities and communicate in a more effective way to ourselves. They are used the world over (even by many practicing psychiatrists and therapists) in order to help people with mood or depression issues focus on their own positive competencies, those things about their self which make them feel good, expansive, light and joyful inside. We all can do this. It’s merely a matter of saying good things about our self, instead of habitually saying (or thinking) bad things. In doing so, we may create our own sunshine and be happy and joyful by experiencing the internal light we produce. After all, the old saying is right: “True happiness comes from within.”
3. Beat the “I Don’t Feel Like It” Syndrome. Listen folks this one is a biggie. How many times have you had the intention to get out of bed early to exercise or begin a new life habit (especially this time of year!) only to find yourself hitting the snooze button over and over again, justifying your reactions by saying “I just don’t feel like it”? Suffice it to say, I am no exception. This is what I’ve come to call the “I Don’t Feel Like It” syndrome and it rears its ugly head in more ways than one: “I’m not in the mood,” “I know I should eat ‘this’ healthy food instead of ‘that’ comfort food, but it doesn’t sound good right now.” Not being in the mood, not feeling like doing something, etc., basically means we have allowed ourselves to turn on the auto-pilot switch in our minds giving our body’s feelings and emotions the power to tell us what to do as well as how and when to do it! Specific phrases such as: “don’t feel,” “not in the mood,” or “doesn’t sound good/ does sound good,” all indicate we are allowing our body to tell us what choices to make instead of exercising our gift of free will in order to choose our actions based on what we value. The most definite step for overcoming the “I Don’t’ Feel Like It” Syndrome is to simply ignore and dismiss the emotional trigger that tells you to say in your mind that you don’t feel like doing something and consciously choose to do it anyway! Always easier said than done, I know. But a little awareness goes a long way, and with consistent, persistent mindfulness and practice you will eventually be able to overcome the most prevalent “syndrome” in our modern culture that keeps us from experiencing the changes we so desperately desire.
4. Get Physical. With a nod to Olivia Newton John, modern research is constantly finding new evidence to support that there is a definite mind-body connection and that how we treat our bodies has a direct and noticeable effect on our mood and feelings. For example, a helpful practice in improving mood (especially when you’re “not in the mood”) is to make the conscious choice to get up and get physical, to exercise and move. Even if all you do is go for a walk, you’re going to reap more positive benefits than if you do nothing at all. Exercise also stimulates the release of endorphins and dopamine, two “feely-good” chemicals our brain makes to keep us feeling happy and motivated. The less we exercise, the less we have the “feely-good” chemicals percolating throughout bodies! Also, exercise – especially if it’s at a high enough intensity – stimulates a certain part of the nervous system, further aiding in appetite suppression so that those comfort foods don’t look quite as appealing anymore. And that makes way for my final positive coping method…
5. Focus on Food. There’s no denying that foods make us feel a very specific way, physically and emotionally. Comfort foods make us feel comfortable, hence their names. So what’s the problem with comfort foods then? First and foremost, the majority of comfort food is treacherously unhealthy and leads to imminent weight-gain, an inefficient metabolism, and is generally laden with bad fats, processed carbohydrates, and other chemical additives. ‘Nuff said on that.

Second, comfort foods give us the delightful sense of immediate gratification. Basically, we condition our mind and body to accept a manner of eating which causes us to feel good while we are eating and maybe a short time afterward. But we neglect the healthier, mood-enhancing approach which would be to eat in a way that makes us feel good all the time. You see, food affects mood, because mood is the result of different chemical processes in the body and brain. Food has a direct effect on these chemical processes. By choosing foods that contribute to a better mood, we’re not only making healthier decisions for weight management and nourishment, but we’re gaining control of our feelings, too.

For example, foods high in whole proteins, such as lean meat, eggs, fish, beans, and legumes are known for improving mood and helping us feel better by providing our brain with the amino acids (building blocks) it needs to produce the chemicals and hormones in our bodies which may improve mood naturally and stave off food cravings. (Note: Using dietary or herbal supplements may be a good idea as well. Just talk to your physician about it beforehand or seek the advice of a Registered Dietician)

For 2012, let’s make this the year where we finally say goodbye to our winter blues for good. I’m confident that we CAN and WILL defeat negative feelings and emotions, find balance and true happiness all year round, with the right coping strategies in place.

About the Author: Ronnie Brown is a writer and educator of personal growth and development, with a focus on teaching and coaching others in his systems for Dynamic Health and Emotional Mastery. Visit him at http://ronniebrownlifesystems.com/.

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I was having a chat with my fiancé one night recently, and burst into tears. I was bitter, sad, and angry. Why doesn’t anyone help me in return, I asked. Why is it when I am good to people and it feels like the kindness and generosity isn’t reciprocated? My fiance, with one eyebrow lifted, looked at me tenderly and said, “Perhaps because you aren’t really giving?”

I’ve always thought of myself as a kind person. When I moved from city to city with my expatriate job, I hosted many friends from Hong Kong, where I grew up, to visit. After all, who doesn’t want a free place to stay in when in Paris, Tokyo, London… ? So I would be more than happy to put them up while they traveled.

However, when these people come and board in my guest room, do I realize that they have other friends in the same city. And so, in the five days they stay with me, I see them perhaps only one night for dinner – and they don’t even attempt pay for dinner to thank me for letting them stay at my home.

The other four nights they were out with their other friends. Why did they not invite me to join them? Why did they not offer to introduce us sooner when I first arrived in the new city, a stranger to the land, so that I could make some new friends? I tried asking them, they just shrug and smile.

I did not understand why it wasn’t reflex for them, for every time I hear that someone is going somewhere I offer to connect them with people I know in that city in case they need some support. I got upset that no one seems to care about my plight.

Then I got angry. I am generous with my contacts. Even over a coffee chat and I learn about your latest venture, immediately I will skim through my address book in my head, and offer to introduce you to people whom I think could help you with your endeavors.

Yet hardly has that happened to me in reverse. Sometimes I even have to ask others whether they could introduce someone to me.

So I am bitter that the favors aren’t returned. That despite all my giving, helping, supporting every friend and acquaintance I can, it seems that no one gives back to me in return.

Almost timely. After that little episode with my fiance, I was simply bouncing from website to website, and searching for ebooks on the Internet to read. I came across Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth.” Rummaging through the free pages, I came to this line: “Whatever you think the world is withholding from you,” writes Tolle, “you are withholding from the world.”

Suddenly, the ripples cleared up and I saw a pristine reflection of the reality.

Every time I had given before, was actually not genuine giving. At the back of my mind, I was keeping an invisible tally of favors and acts of kindness I had bestowed on others, making a mental note that some day, I’d cash it back.

I didn’t give, I invested.

As with investments, I expected something in return. And with every investment there’s a risk of gain or loss. Therefore, when I didn’t receive something back, let alone something in addition, I counted it as loss. That was why I became resentful and sour.

My intentions were therefore, not pure. I was subconsciously calculating, expecting, scheming. I put myself on a high horse, as if I was doing them a good deed, and that made me a better person.

As Tolle wrote so powerfully, I lamented others for withholding from me. Yet, it was I in the first place who reserved from others, not giving fully and wholeheartedly with the best of intentions.

In the end, who became the most upset? I did.

I’m slowly changing that mindset. There is no miraculous way or 10 steps to follow.

Simply, just decide to give without expecting anything in return.

I now invite people to dinner because I enjoy their company and want to get to know them better, not because down the line I want to be invited back. When I find out that my friends decide to spend only 5 hours with me on my wedding weekend, but flit around town to see several other groups of friends – whom they’ve never introduced – those few days, I am grateful they will fly all the way for my wedding. Let it be. I’ve done what I can.

But this is just one part of it. Tolle finished the paragraph with, “You are withholding it because deep down you think you are small and that you have nothing to give.”

Indeed, it was also my insecurity with myself that I wasn’t able to let it all go, and just share my knowledge and resources. I had to make it sound like I was trying really hard to find a contact, or that they might not appreciate it. Consequently, I discounted what I had and rocked my own self-confidence.

It’s a paradox, but very real one. The more we are unsure of ourselves, the more we try to hold on to what we have, thinking we can’t lose it or let others benefit from our knowledge. So we withhold always a little for ourselves, and yet blame others and the universe for not giving to us without reservations.

Believe in who you are and what you have. Help others and give your all.

You will feel happier. Trust me on this one.

Give, don’t invest.

Raised in Hong Kong and Australia, Noch Noch was a young, overachieving executive for an international corporation, working and living in the world’s most premier cities. After seven years of living the life she dreamt of, or so she thought, she suffered a serious episode of stress-related depression that turned her life upside down. As she battles with depression, Noch Noch is on a quest to be the wake up call for others in similar plights. She strives to be true to herself, jotting down her reflections on living with depression and self-awareness at “Be Me. Be Natural.” (http://nochnoch.com).

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