Pickup Podcast

Recharge Your Relationship with Alone Time

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 05:18:00 PDT

My girlfriend and I spend a ton of time together, and we really enjoy it. But we also give each other time off.

Even if it’s just 10 minutes driving alone in the car, 20 minutes downstairs meditating, or spending an afternoon just puttering around the house in separate rooms – it doesn’t matter. You still need to get your alone time. Are you in relationship in which you both are always on top of each other? And do you feel like you never get that time to just recharge your batteries?

A lot of people fail to realize that alone time is healthy. Sure, it feels great to be next to your lover at all times. But if you’re with the right person in the right relationship, you could be sitting on the couch, watching a movie or holding hands where you’re both in your own little world, yet you are still connected to each other.

You could recharge your batteries in this way. Or you could be lying in bed next to your lover, reading a book and really getting into what you’re reading. You might be sitting right next to your lover, but you can still have your alone time.

Alone time is great. Going out with your friends is healthy.

How many of you are in relationships – or have been in relationships in the past – where you get shit from your lover whenever you go out with your friends? Does your boyfriend or girlfriend get jealous and pissed whenever you leave them? That’s not healthy.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner is doing that to you, you need to know that you’re in a very unhealthy relationship. Having friends and family and separate lives is what makes the relationship healthy.

Being two unique individuals who get together and combine their lives – yet still have their own separate lives – is the way to go. You should never have to constantly answer to somebody because you went out with your friends.

A friend of mine once wrote to me and said, “David, I just don’t understand. Every time I go out with my friend Bill, my girlfriend gets all pissed off because she doesn’t like him. This is starting to ruin my friendship with Bill and we’ve been friends for 30 years!” She has no right to do that!

Another friend of mine got married to a woman who did not like his mother. Through the course of their marriage, my friend’s relationship with his mother eroded and they lost contact for ten years. My friend’s mother was deprived of meeting her grandchildren.

The minute they got divorced, my friend went and reconnected with his mother. Unfortunately, the kids had been poisoned against their grandmother and didn’t want to meet her.

This is not what life is about! You have to accept who your lover is – their friends, family, and every aspect of their life. If you can’t, then you’re not in a real, healthy relationship!

Now I know some of you are going to rebut today and write to me, “Well I don’t like that he goes out with Dave all of the time because they’re always getting drunk and looking at women.”

That STILL is an immature relationship. But even if he’s getting drunk with his friend Dave and they’re looking at women, he’s still not going home with any of these women.

Men will always look at women. Who cares? It’s time to get secure with yourself and have a real honest and open relationship – this is something I talk about in a lot of my new relationship products.

How do you have an open relationship? I’m not talking about a 70s swinger-type relationship; I’m talking about being open and honest about who you are and being an accepting person.

Isn’t that who you fell in love with – that unique and interesting individual who came into your life? Not a clone, or someone you tried to transform into your ideal mate?

Wing Girl Advice: Too Much Outer Game = BAD results

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 06:33:00 PDT

I am constantly getting emails from men around the world asking for advice on women. I thought I would share one of these emails with you because Ithink it is something you can learn from.

This email was written by a 26 year old man in London. He totally has his outer game down pat and his actions should be able to get him most women he wants.

The one thing he does not have down is how to transition from outer game to a more substantial "connecting" with the girl he's persuing. Without this connecting, your outer game will be wasted. [Editor: building REAL rapport is something that can't be created with a routine, but can be learned]

If you cannot transition from being the entertainer to being the man, then you will never truly be successful with women. Below is his email to the Wing Girls, and my response follows.

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Dear Wing Girls,

It was a singles' social boat cruise, and the following are the events that happened with one of the cuties I am really interested in. Need some opinion how to pick up the momentum.

Thursday Night: It was a singles' social event, and I was moving around groups of women, busting on them and teasing some. This particular cutie that caught my eye I approached by grabbing her by her arm and telling follow me. She came along willingly.

Me: Why were you avoiding me all night?

Her: I was not, you were busy running around with other girls.

Me: Wait, are you single?

Her: Yes, of course

Me: You better be, otherwise I have to kick you off the boat!

Her :<laughs>

Me: Are you a Good girl or a Nice girl?

Her: Naughty but nice.

Me: Do you speak English?

Her: Yes. <giggles>

Me: Choose one then...good or nice?

Her: Nice I guess?

Me. Do you know the difference?

Her: You tell me.

Me: Good Girl goes out, comes home and sleeps, a Nice Girl goes out,

sleeps and comes home.

Her: <laughs>

Me: Do you know the difference between a Good Secretary and a Nice Secretary?

Her: No, go ahead.

Me: Good Secretary will say, "Good morning, Sir," and a Nice Secretary

will say, "It's morning, Sir."

Her: <laughs>

Then we have a chat about where she is staying, her ethnic mix, and places she has traveled. She turns out to be Singaporean and British. Then I say, "I bet you suck at Thumb-wrestling!"

Her: Bring it on.

Me: I do not play without a wager.

Her: What is the wager?

Me: Loser buys dinner.

Her: OK

Me: No Cheating! Best out of 3, GO!

We wrestle, and it's 1 - 1. Last round...I start to tickle her and wrestle/hug her. It's good fun with some tension. I lose on purpose cuz I tickled her. I say ok, give me your number and we'll set something up. We part.

The next hour, we exchange glances and I throw a few "I'm watching you" and "Stay out of trouble" lines at her, at which she giggles (most probably from a nice dosage of alcohol consumption.)

Friday: Cool off

Saturday: Message her to check if she got home alive and ask for her email address. She replies ok and gives me her email address.

Sunday Morning: Call and leave a message. She calls back and we have a chat about setting a date, but we both have commitments. She mentions briefly to touch base next weekend if we can do something together. I say, "Ok, we'll see."

I then ask her what is she up to? It's almost noon, and why is she lazing like a pig? She giggle and says she has plans with some friends to watch Sex and the City.

Me: So which character best describes you?

Her: I dunno, what do you think?

Me: I think you are a Samantha in Charlotte disguise.

Her: Noooooo, No one likes to be her, its not nice.

Me: Are you judging her? You are even more evil.

Her: <giggles> Nooo hahah etc.

Me: I gotta go, got training, will call and catch up.

I text her later telling her I had to cut her short cuz I was dealing with London traffic. TOURIST. Will call at night to catch up and have some stimulating conversations. End with Charlotte and a wink.

Called her at 22:30, went to her voice mail, I say, "Ahh, playing hard to get? Cheeky! Holla back!" Not heard from her since.

Tuesday 11PM, sent her a funny text: "It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you, a man who is great in the sack. It's also important that these 3 men should never meet! How are you doing?" Did not receive any reply.

Any opinion as to how I can pick my game up again?

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I will share my response a little later, but I wanted to use this email to show you an example of how many men can get carried away with too much outer game. So carried away that they lose the girl.

Listen, I am the first one to admit I LOVE THE GAME!! I love the banter, the butterflies, the teasing, all of it. It is fun, but only for a night, maybe two tops. After that, I need something a little more substantial.

When I met Mystery at David DeAngelo's seminar, where we were both speaking, I can honestly say he captivated me.

He was able to pull me away from a crowd of people, talk with me for two hours, and keep me completely focused on him. I understand how his game works, and it worked on me.

It worked on me because it was fun and exciting and it challenged me. I did not feel madly in love with him, nor did I think we had a great connection, but I had an urge for him to like me, respect me and want me. But once we had separated, I did not think of him again.

His magic only worked for a short period of time because I had nothing real to latch onto so that I could feel connected. I was simply entertained.

I have many clients that have done several PUA programs. These men have no problems engaging and approaching women, but after that they are helpless.

They do not know how to have real conversations, nor do they listen to women. Basically they have learned to tap dance for women, and once the dance is over the women leave.

I am a big fan of programs like Mystery's because he teaches men to be comfortable in their own skins. He shows them they can be that guy they have always wanted to be. They are worthy and deserving of everything that others have. I would recommend his material to any one of my clients.

But...where his program falls short is that it does not teach men what to do next. It is hard to keep up banter. It gets exhausting.

I am going to give you a straight and honest female perspective.

As a man, you have to give women a little more than just a moment of entertainment. If your goal is to get a woman to sleep with you for an evening, then outer game works great! Routines, magic tricks, anything that captures your audience and gets them excited will work perfectly.

But if you are looking to be with a woman for a longer period of time you will never succeed without showing a bit more substance. This is what makes connecting with her possible, and without that, your outer game is useless.

Here is how I responded to the email above.

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What I noticed from your email is that you need to STOP playing a game. Games like this are good in the moment. They are fun and entertaining and get a girl's heart racing, but once this moment or period in time has passed, reality sets in and girls realize what this behavior really means. It means player, games, and sex with no phone call the next day.

Again, if you want to sleep with women, great tactic, but you need to move fast or the euphoric feeling will disappear. If your goal is to date and have relationships, then you are totally using the wrong approach.

Not sure what you were trying to accomplish. The routine you have described will totally get a girl back to your room if you take the right steps to lead her there. Seeing that you took your time makes me think you were looking for something more.

One other key thing I noticed was the Sex and the City joke. First, very impressed you knew the characters. Second, no woman wants to be referred to as a Samantha by a man who is trying to sleep with her. It makes her feel slutty and used. It also makes her think that there is only one thing on that man's mind, and that makes her feel dirty. Women want to be in control of their own sexuality and know that they are being respected.

Do not pigeon hole women by telling them who they are. Let them tell you who they are. You will get way more out a woman that way. To save yourself from this comment, it would have been smart to send her better text that had more heart attached to it, more of the "real" you. I think you would have gotten a response.

What I try to teach to all of my clients is that balance is so important.

Outer game is fun and exciting, and most women, especially the great ones, will engage in it. But every outer game needs to have some substance behind it. It's all about connecting, because once you run out of outer game, you need to make sure you have something left.

Thank you for contacting The Wing Girl Method.

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It is very important to have balance in the way you present yourself to women.

Outer game is fun, exciting and most women, especially the great ones, will engage in it.

But behind every show of outer game needs to be something of substance. Something a woman can hold onto that makes her feel that there is more to "this" male than games, banter and playfulness.

Remember, Wing Girls are here for you. We're in your corner.

If you like this post, and you'd like more Marni in your life, visit http://www.winggirlmethod.com/blog/

Attraction Addiction

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 03:09:00 PDT

In this community, we have an abundance of material to help us learn how to create attraction, but not as much on how to keep it and grow it.

What happens after the day two?
Once attraction is established, how does one create and maintain a relationship?

This information is not as readily available, and there are some fairly simple reasons why. The most predominant one is a tendency to be looking for shortcuts rather than enjoying the experience as a whole. If you’re looking for something short-term, then shortcuts might work for you. If you want something more lasting, then it’s time to learn how to enjoy the journey rather than looking for the end game.
Let’s use martial arts as an example.

Traditionally, it takes years to learn the discipline required to not only perform the physical movements, but to develop strength of character and inner harmony along a path of self-discovery. Now, in America, there’s a dojo in every strip mall where a person can test for a new belt every six months. They can learn how to use weapons and kick someone’s theoretical ass in a couple of one-hour sessions each week and get a pretty new belt and bragging rights at the water cooler. They learn some of the physical tools but much less of the accompanying wisdom to govern how and when to use them. A large part of the core of the discipline is abandoned.

The same disconnect is rampant in the pickup community. In the initial excitement of learning new and seemingly powerful skills of attraction, the core skills of making lasting connections have been abandoned, or at least pushed to the side. For those who are making up for lost time in the world of women, speed and quantity override quality. For others, books and videos can teach the physical tools, but without the experience of having live humans react to those tools in a real-time setting, the true lesson is lost. It takes constant interaction to learn how to gauge what is acceptable and what is not, and how to read those signs in others. Learning about someone else teaches us about ourselves as well, and that’s where connection begins.

I meet a lot of new people in my life. Some stay, some go, but they’re all interesting to me in whatever time we have together. I had a conversation online with someone new not too long ago. He had moved recently, to a little place on the ocean, and now enjoys his own little paradise. He told me he had to get away from it all. The frantic, frenetic pace of his prior life has left him on the edge of sanity and he’d managed to catch himself before he fell.

He had worked hard to disconnect from his old behaviors that had led him to such an uncomfortable existence. Once the constant noise in his head had dissipated, he was able to reconnect to the world in a new way. He spoke of the calming lullaby of the ocean in his room at night and the inspiration he found in scent of the salty sea air during the day. He could enjoy the feel of the sand under his feet and the soft squish of mud between his toes. He said he started his day truly appreciating the dappled sunlight on his breakfast table in the mornings, the cheery greetings of his neighbors and the heartbeat of the local village as everyone went to market.

He wrote with such feeling about these small things that now meant so much to him. As I read, I felt he must have been really unhappy before he decided to make these changes. His words were so sincere, so appreciative, I felt that in taking care of himself, he was helping take care of the world in his own small way. I was so happy for him, I became happy for myself, that I had just met a person whose words made me feel so good.

And then he wrote that he felt sure that he could turn that into a great DHV story one day.

I swear I heard the screeching of brakes in my head. What was this? That whole wonderful story of appreciation and personal evolution was merely a fabrication to try and impress women in a bar? I told him that I had been moved and inspired by his words, but that I was confused. Did he really mean all that stuff, or was he just practicing his pickup skills? This was an important journey of personal discovery, something precious to share with those closest to him, not to be reduced to a bar story. He replied that it was real, but that he uses stories like that to create a quicker connection with the ladies.

A light went on in my head. Here was a shining example of the disconnect that causes some of the pervading unhappiness in parts of the community. The fact that he was using his spiritual inner journey as a way to pick up chicks only proved that he didn’t learn as much from it as he thought he did.

The first step to a successful long-term relationship is to release the mindset of quicker is better. “Good things come to those who wait,” might better be restated as, “Good things come to those who exercise patience,” but the basic idea is solid. Attraction to a potential mate might very well be immediate. We can be, and frequently are, attracted to many people over the course of a day, a week or a month. However, our long-term compatibility with these people to whom we’re attracted is a complete unknown. Just because she trips your trigger when you look at her doesn’t mean you necessarily have any kind of future together.

So attraction can be immediate, but connection takes time. It’s a journey that begins with having experiences together and seeing how each of you reacts, not only to each other, but also to the world around you when you’re together and when you’re not. Using stories in the manner that my new friend does can create a swift connection; however, that connection is shallowly based on hopeful ideals rather than strongly built on personal experience. He might very well create connections by sharing this story. It has many elements that are attractive. My own reaction is a perfect example.

I didn’t, and still don’t, know him well. However, his story made me feel things about him based on experiences from my own life, which I then ascribed to him as attractive. My attraction was based on my own ideals of what I would like to see in other people. When he made the DHV comment, I suddenly had a real, personal experience of him that showed him to be something other than what I’d hoped he was.

Now, imagine that none of this had happened. Imagine that I had met him in another circumstance and we were getting to know each other over the course of several of weeks by going on dates and talking on the phone. I would be consciously and subconsciously learning small things that would show me who he really was. I would be noting how he deals with things as we spent time together, how he acts and reacts to the world, and drawing my own conclusions about who he is and how we relate to each other.

Now, suppose that our time together was leading me to make positive conclusions about his personality. I decide that I like him and that I want to continue to know more about him. At that point, if he shared the same story with me in rapport, it would have an entirely different meaning. It would reinforce my positive feelings for him, based on my opinion of our experiences together.

Conversely, if over the course of those few weeks, I was discovering that he was likely not the kind of person I would want as part of my life, when he told me that story, I would likely be confused. It would be incongruent with my experience. If I had been slowly drawing the conclusion that he was a shallower person than I would want to be involved with, that story would cement my impression. It would likely come across as shallow, because my personal experience with him was that way.

He’s telling the same story in both scenarios. The difference comes from me investing the time to collect data with which to form a more logical and realistic perspective of who he is, rather than basing it on my own hopes and dreams. If your goal is to find someone with whom you could have a lasting relationship, you can’t speed up that time or substitute it for something else. You can pretend to speed it up in many different ways. You can bounce her to multiple locations on a date to create the impression of knowing each other longer, but the fact is that the actual time spent together is still exactly the same. You can invent the most fantastic stories to tell how amazing your life is, but if her actual experience with you shows her something else, the attraction will end.

Learning to create attraction is essential, without a doubt, and since it’s where the mating game begins, it’s a perfect place to start. However, in order to continue finding and cultivating a mate, one needs to be sure to not to skip the journey just to get to the destination. Meeting someone great and having sex with them are both wonderful experiences, but they’re tiny parts of a whole. A lot of life happens in between those two parts, and if you’re only focused on what happens before and what happen after, you’ll miss out on what you’re actually looking for.

The Easy Way To Date Multiple Women

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 06:46:00 PDT

Sure the easiest way is to just avoid the subject and hope they never learn about each other. The only problem for me was if I met a woman I was really interested in that could really screw things up if she found out

I prefer to be honest with the women I date so there is a lot less drama. What I ended up doing though was hitting them in the head with the sledgehammer of honesty. Sometimes being too honest will cause you more trouble.

The key I found to openly dating multiple women is what you say about it from the very first time you meet them. It’s about understanding how women interpret different statements. I asked a lot of female friends about this subject and got their translations.

“I want to be honest with you, I am dating other people.”
Translation: He was lying to you before, now is coming clean. You are not good enough for him so he is going to date and sleep with other women.

Ouch… This is hitting her over the head with the sledgehammer honesty.

“I’m not into having a serious relationship right now.”
Translation: He just wants to sleep around and won’t likely commit to a relationship.

This one is clear you only want a casual relationship. However many women who would be fine with just a casual relationship won’t because there is no option for a committed relationship. Having the option for more is important to most women, even if they don’t want it at the moment.

“I’m dating a couple people but nothing serious.”
Translation: He is single, has options and is still on the market but I may have competition.

If I say this then I have been honest and clear and don’t have to have any type of “talk” about it unless she brings it up. She knows I am dating but I also haven’t shut the door on a possible relationship. I have been clear and honest without closing any doors in her face or degrading her. I try to say this when I first meet her. The more time we spend together the more attached she may become and it will be harder to swallow that you are dating other women.

You might be tempted to re-emphasize that you are dating other people the longer you date. Us guys do it all the time as a defense mechanism. We see what we interpret as a woman getting too attached too quickly so we try to re-emphasize that we are not in a relationship; my advice is DON’T. It is a slap in the face to a woman. She knows; she heard you the first time.

We have many self-imposed fantasies, like setting the clock ahead so we aren’t late. When I date a woman who is dating other guys I don’t like to think about it. I don’t want to hear about it. I just imagine I am the only one even though I know I’m not. She has to do the same. Don’t insult her by throwing it in her face that you are still dating other people.

My other rule is if you want to keep it casual with a woman and not get into a relationship don’t date her more than once a week. Regardless of what you say your actions say you want to be in a relationship if you are seeing her more.

Eventually there will come a time when it comes up that she is not thrilled you are dating other people. This is natural and inevitable and you have to deal with it. Some women will be able to handle this situation for longer than others.

Women often ask questions they don’t want to hear answers to because they can’t help themselves. So if she asks if I am sleeping with any of the other women I am dating I say something like this:

“If I find someone that i have a really strong connection with, I want to experience who they are as a unique person at whatever that level that leads us to. ”

If she probes further...

“Like I said, right now, nothing is serious. I would like a serious relationship in the future and until I find the right person I need to find out about someone and who they really are before I can make that step.”

If she probes further...

“Look, I don’t want to go into it. All I know is I want to find out about who you are and get to know you better.”

If she still has a problem with it, she usually will want to be my friend. That is just a way in her mind to make it ok that she is still dating me. Most women don’t want to be dating a guy who is dating other women, however they will be friends with that guy. Don’t worry about being put in the friend zone, the fact that she can’t have you all to herself will make her want you more. If you drop her just because she is not ok with you dating other women it just reaffirms that you are only in it for one thing. Be her friend for a few more dates and she will likely come around and be ok with it.

Dating multiple women is a really good thing to keep you from becoming too needy when you do meet a woman you want to be in a relationship with. When I am really into a girl I end up spending way too much time with her and it’s a turn off. I come on too strong and end up ruining everything. If I am dating more than one woman at a time then that isn’t a problem. I even have a rule that I won’t be exclusive with a woman until dating her for at least two to three months. This helps me from jumping in too quickly and when I do decide on being exclusive it means even more to her.

You can date multiple women with integrity if you follow some of these guidelines. Not only will it make you more confident but it will also help reaffirm that you have choice in your dating and romantic life. A man who has choice is always more attractive to women than a man who just takes the first woman who will have him.

Conquering Your Fear By Being Open

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 10:23:00 PDT

What does it mean to you to be open?

How would you explain it to someone who didn't understand? Just how open are you? Can you speak about your insecurities without twitching? Can you speak about where you have grown up or how you where raised without fear that people will judge you? It can be a hard thing to do. How solid is your foundation that supports who you really are?

We spend so much of our time trying to hide everything we don't like about ourselves from friends, strangers--hell, even ourselves--that we rob ourselves of our lives one day at a time. Personally, when I was able to give all that up to just live and be who I really felt I was, it changed the way I looked at the world forever.

The first level of being open is in the attraction phase. When we learn to not be approval seeking, we learn to stop paying attention to how others view us because it has no relevance to us succeeding socially. If we are waiting around all night for someone to make us comfortable to dance we will be waiting along time. Remember the old saying, "Hope is not a strategy".

I’ve seen it a 100 times... someone says to me: "I don't care what anyone here thinks," they say while standing locked up against the wall in terror refusing to talk to a 100-pound girl. Imagine that fear being lifted from you to do what you need to do there to have a good time and enjoy yourself. It is a power to be able to walk across the floor, grab a drink, walk over to the hottest girl there and have a dance. Whether it works or not, the power to do that unhindered is fantastic.

The Second level is now more of a rapport freedom. It's one thing to be able to move through that room confidently and put your balls on the table without flinching, but it’s another to go into a conversation about how you feel without feeling vulnerable. Speaking clearly and openly on your feelings is hard, especially for men who have been conditioned for years that speaking this way makes one a weak man. So we begin to train ourselves to build walls. How are women going to connect with us if we cannot show we understand how they can feel?

We as men understand if we are going to open our self up we will vulnerable to attack. We also have to understand that the attacker is likely to be someone who is more scared or feels threatened by us being near and so open. If a six-year-old calls you an asshole, will you fire back with your own insults? Of course not, Why would you? We have to look at our attacker in the same way. I understand that he is scared, feels insecure and is looking for acceptance. Now how can I take an attack personally?

And yet guys continually refuse to open up in a way that lets women feel comfortable with them. Then, they wonder why these women never answer the phone. It's time to man up and quit being wussbags about being vulnerable. When you are able to let go of all the bullshit you've been trying to keep under wraps, you will be able to generate strong connections that will last a lifetime.

Now this does not mean to start dumping your issues out all over the place when meeting people! That will scare the hell out of anybody. Just be able to give a descriptive take on how you feel about whatever comes up in the conversation. When she mentions, "what a beautiful day it was," feel free to let her know what it meant to you.

As men we are so shut off from our feelings we can’t even feel them till they overwhelm us. Then it is too late. Spend some time this month tasting our food... Notice the trees and flowers... Really listen to that song, what is it about? What does it sound like? Give life the opportunity to exist in your world.

Even Kim Gets Approach Anxiety

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 03:02:00 PDT

Yup. It’s true. I did something that made me more uncomfortable than I have been in as long as I can remember.

I like to dance and frequently go to clubs solely to shake my tail feathers and get lost in the music and the movement and the whole environment. However, that only means I can find the beat and have some rhythm. I’ve never taken dance classes of ANY kind in my life, not even when I was a kid. Well, there was a year of roller-dance in 5^th grade, but that’s a story for another time. The point is, I have no formal dance education. I just like to move to the music.

I am a social dynamics coach. I teach people that in order to get the results they want to achieve, they have to step out of their comfort zone. At boot camps and during our live-in programs, I am right there with these guys who are doing just that, watching some freeze up, stutter, sweat, shake and sometimes RUN out of the venue due to feeling very, very uncomfortable. Now it’s my turn. Easy! I think to myself. I’m used to this.

So I drive up to the studio and park, in a great mood, excited and energized to be doing something new. I love “new” and “change” and “different,” they’re home for me and the way I live my life.

Then I got out of my car.

I was looking at a building that represented something I know NOTHING about, other than watching other people do it. I looked at the building. My heart started to race and I could feel my blood pressure go up a bit. I have a very light complexion, so I knew my cheeks must be bright pink and I felt hot.

But it was different than my usual excitement at doing something new. I stood there, taking deep slow breaths, controlling my – fear? Wait, was that fear? As I breathed in an out, still standing there looking at the building, I realized that I was SCARED. My mind went on a instantaneous, harsh journey and started spewing all sorts of crap into my consciousness. The building is going to be full of people who already KNOW how to dance, it told me. It’s full of women who have long, lithe graceful bodies, who can twist and bend in ways I can only imagine. The people who go to dance studios are DANCERS, my mind reminded me. Not people like me. Poser, my head called me. You’re not some inner city kid with soul. You’re from New England. You ain’t got moves! What do you think, you’re Britney Spears? You ain’t Britney, kid! Just because you like the way Beyonce dances and sings doesn’t mean you can DO it. And you’re too old, my brain decided for me. Dancers start training as kids. You’re not a kid. People don’t take hip hop lessons unless they’re teenagers.

And only COOL people can dance, my high school self, added. Remember when Coach told you that you were the slowest runner on the basketball team? Remember all those extra laps you had to run after practice because you came in last all the time? You’re also not very coordinated, my mind remembered. Think about all the floor burns you used to get from tripping over your own feet. Dancers don’t trip over their own feet, so by basic deduction, you are NOT a dancer. And what about all that jumping? You have a bad knee! Are you trying to never walk again? Dancing involves turning and twisting and jumping around! That’s not good for your knee, my mind said disapprovingly.

My heart was still racing. I felt warm all over and I couldn’t swallow very well. What WAS I thinking? I can’t do this! My knee! My lack of balance and grace! My age! My inexperience!

Wait... this was sounding familiar. I’d heard excuses like that before.

Approach anxiety!

Luckily, I knew what to do. I went back through all the excuses my mind was trying to use to keep me in my comfort zone and keep me from growing. Time to start applying some logic to my emotional responses.

Nope, I said to myself. I’m NOT a kid, so all you excuses that come from my childhood, I reject you. You don’t count. Not trained? Well duh – that’s why I’m here, to get training. Dump that excuse, too. Not coordinated? Well, that’s true, but there’s a good chance that dance lessons will help me BECOME more coordinated. That becomes and excuse to DO IT. My knee? Well, that’s a legitimate concern, but I can easily be careful with any moves that involve torquing the joint. It’s been a long time since my surgery, I’m quite used to protecting it.

That leaves lack of experience as the only legitimate reason for this anxiety. I smiled. No other way to combat lack of experience than with going and getting some, and the only way to do that is to walk in those doors and go to class. I was still nervous, I was still hot-faced and unsure, having NO idea what to expect. What seemed like a great idea from the comfort of my innocuous Google list of dance classes was still scary, but the concept was solid. I took a couple more deep breaths, forced myself to smile, and walked into the building,

Now. I would love to tell you that was it, I was done with the fear and the doubt. Nope. Not even close. That first class, I had a lump in my throat the ENTIRE time because I felt so awkward. First, my mind was actually right about a couple of things. Most of the women in the class WERE dancers, and to me they had perfect, gorgeous bodies. Then, the instructor just acted like we should know what was going on, and started showing us 16 counts of choreography at a time and expected that we would pick it up. Everyone did.

I did not.

I tripped, several times, and I tweaked my knee turning improperly. I was constantly several steps behind. I walked out of the class twice, with my brain whispering, “Quit. Just quit.” I heard it, but I had come too far, even though it wasn’t far at all. I walked off the pain and embarrassment and went back into class both times. I still wanted to cry, but I also had to laugh a little. It was almost absurd how uncoordinated I felt and knew I must look.

The next class wasn’t much better. There was a different teacher who had a whole different set of moves and routines to learn. Thankfully she only went through 8 counts at a time, though, so I had a little better time picking up the basic idea. I still felt that cry lump in my throat most of the class. The third class was about the same – another new instructor, more new moves. Then, in the second week, when the first teacher returned and we started into the same routine we’d done with her the week before, somehow it was magically kind of getting in my head. And better yet, it seemed to be in my feet, too. I didn’t trip at all that class, and it was a lovely little victory for me.

Weeks later, I now have the confidence to stand in the front row. I’m still not good – adequate is probably a better word. But I am loving it, and even if I don’t look like Britney up there, I feel great now that most parts of my body work in sync with the music and with each other, as well as the other students in the class. I’m also a lot more confident with my mistakes – I know I make them, and I’m okay with it. The world doesn’t end, the class doesn’t stop, and no one even snickers if I mess up – because they’re all too busy watching themselves in the mirror, not me. And now that I’ve relaxed, I can see that even the more experienced girls mess up.

The biggest victory is how proud I am of myself. It feels really, really good to look back at how horrible the first days and weeks were and see how far I’ve come. I stuck it out, and now I’m gaining ground. I might be good one day – that’s a huge shift in my belief system! It’s a good shift, and I’m proud of it and excited to remember that for real, anything is possible.

Unlock Your True Self With Just Two Words

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 06:14:00 PDT

What if I told you that there are two words in the English Language that can transform your life, for the better. Two simple words when put together, will help you unlock the real being that is you. Yes the true you. The you that’s shed off all your insecurities. The you that’s not listening to your own egoistic monkey chatter. The you that you’ve always wanted to show off to the world but were afraid to. The true you that wants to experience success and happiness with the opposite sex, with money, and with life. The one complete you!

These two words when you hear them, feel them, and totally embrace them will bring a change in your life so amazing, it almost feels magical.

Are you ready to hear what these two magic words are? You ready? The two words are……

Be yourself.

Two simple words with tremendous depth. Two words that are the tip of the iceberg with a very deep meaning that’s as deep as the ocean the iceberg floats on.

Being yourself means being aware of yourself.

Guys do you want to know why it seems like 10 % of the men out there, attract 90% of the women. These 10 percenters as I like to call them, are simply being themselves. This is why all you nice guys out who are always chasing and not attracting will always have this asexual, undesirable as a potential boyfriend image in front of women. You’re not truly being, embracing and having awareness of your true inner self. This is why it seems like women go for all the “bad boys” and jerks. These bad boys and jerk guys are being themselves. Not being yourself is also why a lot of you guys and gals too, are being designated to the eternal, and very dreaded, friend zone.

When you are 100% in the moment, present, and aware, you are free of all the bullshit that’s weighing you down everyday. And do you want to know why this happens? It’s simple. In the field of psychology it is well known that the human mind, no matter how brilliant, can only hold one thought at a given single moment. Let me show you what I mean here. For example, you cannot simultaneously think of your very first kiss and what you’re going to have for breakfast tomorrow. The same is true with emotions! The human brain cannot simultaneously feel 2 different types of emotions. One cannot feel positive and joyful while feeling resentment and anger. These thoughts and feelings can occur linearly but not simultaneously. One can occur after the other, but both at the same time, never.

So the next time when you have thoughts of “do I look fat today”, “is he or she too hot for me”, or “is my significant other cheating on me at work?”, just stop and look around. Be aware of what you’re doing, and where you are. If for example your having these negative thoughts while sipping coffee at Starbucks, just embrace the moment. Think of how good that Chai Tea Latte is you’re having. Be aware of how good the flavors reveal themselves on your tongue. Be aware of how the warmth of the drink flows down your throat and chest. Be aware of how hot the cup is in your hand. Trust me people this will work. When you are yourself, being genuine, and being engrossed in all things and everything around you, it’s virtually impossible for you mind to imprison you in monkey chatter hell. In life, the situation isn’t the cause of what you’re feeling, but rather it’s your thoughts about it. So being yourself, and present in the Moment of Now won’t allow your mind to stress, be depressed, and fret over whatever’s holding you back.

Being aware of the present moment will bring you happiness and bliss you probably haven’t experienced much, if at all. And when this transformation occurs, guys you will be so much more successful with women. Remember, women complain a lot that men don’t listen and don’t pay attention to them. Being present in the moment will cure this complaint that women legitimately have against us. So the next time you’re chatting with a women, any woman, whether it be one you’re attracted to or not, just be yourself. Be aware of your environment that’s around you two. Be engrossed in every word she says. Be observant to every little thing that’s there. Doing this little thing of being yourself will convey confidence, happiness, and generate interest. The same here can be applied to the gals too, when you’re talking with potential men.

And the great thing about being yourself, and being present is that it helps not just with your love and dating life, it helps with your ENTIRE LIFE! For everyone, heaven and hell exists in the mind. Choosing heaven means you’ve chosen to be present, when you’re not present, you’re living in your own personal hell.

There’s only one moment in life. One moment that really matters. One moment when you can start changing and re sculpting your life the way you want it. One moment that only comes once in a life time, and that moment is NOW!

Episode #88 Bryan Bayer Interview Part 1

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 08:33:00 PDT

Bryan Bayer from Authentic Man Program comes on and discusses developing solid inner game, his development in pickup and what exactly goes on at the Authentic Man Program.

Check out The Authentic Man Program Foundations of Inner Game

Check out Thrillist!

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How To Start A Conversation With A Hot Girl Online

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 03:28:00 PDT

This is an excerpt from a post by Race at MannPill.com

Why Most Guys Will Never Have Success Meeting Women Online

Have you ever stumbled across a dating site, got super excited by all the hot girls you saw, signed up for your "free" trial and spent the next week sending out a bunch of messages only to receive back little or no replies at all? How about on social networking sites like Myspace and Facebook? If you're like most guys, the answer is yes.

This is probably the absolute BIGGEST frustration guys have when it comes to meeting women online. In fact, it is the reason most guys give up before they taste any type of real success. So if you are asking yourself, "What am I doing wrong and What can I do to make a girl want to respond to me?", then keep reading at MannPill.com.

Meet Women Online NOW with Windowshopping For Women

Brand New from The Art of Charm: New Show, Live Chat Dating Advice, Meet Women Online NOW!

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 03:50:00 PDT

Hey guys,

There's a lot of new things going on with us here at AoC Headquarters in NYC!

First of all, we have a new show! Check it out:

The Art of Charm Show on Stickam is the evolution of the podcast. Don't worry--the podcast isn't going anywhere. This is a LIVE show that will be going on every Friday at 7pm EST, where you can ask questions and get some more free knowledge from us.

Next...

The Art of Charm is on LivePerson: A World of Experts! You can try it for free, and get Live Chat Dating Advice starting... now.

And finally...

Meet Women Online Now! This is the re-release of Windowshopping for Women with an Audiobook, video mastery series, and interaction map tracker.

Want to share this information? Link to this page on TheArtofCharm.com - Brand New!

Best,
Benjamin

Episode #87 Payton Kane Interview

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 08:08:00 PDT

Payton Kane joins us to explain where most men are failing with women.

Check out Thrillist for more adventurous tips!

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Don't Enter "The Harmless Zone: It's Worse Than Just a Friend

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 06:00:00 PDT

When two people are seeing each other and one isn’t quite ‘feelin’ it’, the other is invariably about to get the ‘Just Be Friends’ talk. This, of course, is assuming we’re not dealing with desperate, clingy people who would rather ‘settle’ than be confronted with having to meet someone else. And ‘nice guys’ everywhere universally dread the ‘JBF’, as inevitable as it ends up being much of the time when a woman’s femininity fails to be ignited.

But there is a place even more dreadful than the ‘JBF’ zone. Dreadful, yet oftentimes completely ignored as even a remote possibility by most men. After all, if you are imprisoned there you may not even realize it—you may actually be naïve enough to believe you are getting somewhere with the women you interact with. And this, my brethren, is what makes this particular place even more insidious.

Yes, indeed. If ‘JBF’ Is A ‘zone’, then ‘Harmless’ is a ‘dungeon’.

You see, if you are given the ‘JBF’ lecture, then there’s an automatic assumption that at one point you at least were given a chance romantically. If you are ‘Harmless’, it’s generally understood—probably by EVERYONE—that you have NO CHANCE. Not a snowball’s chance in Yuma, AZ. The crazy part of this dynamic, however, is that ‘Harmless’ guys typically can get away with breathtaking displays of flirtation with drop-dead hotties—and actually get friendly responses from such women. Other guys around them are awestruck. “How can THAT guy get so much female attention?” Simple, Big Guy. He’s HARMLESS. The other guys? If they were to flirt like that they would risk being taken seriously, which unfortunately is way too much risk for most guys (see previous newsletter “Getting Beat By A Girl”).

So how does a guy end up in the ‘Harmless’ category?

1) Too Young

One time a bunch of us were out at a restaurant that was particularly known for hiring attractive waitresses. Someone’s eleven-year-old son began bantering with one such waitress in a particularly forward manner. Before his embarrassed Mom could bring herself to discipline him for his ‘rudeness’, something bizarre had already started happening. The waitress was RESPONDING to the kid in kind, culminating with a kiss on the cheek. Preposterous! Nah…not really. He’s HARMLESS…at least for several more years.

2) Too Old

Another time, back in the IT world, I worked in an office that—again—was known for hiring attractive women. One time, during one of those impromptu hallway ‘meetings’, a very kind, paternal British gentleman mere months from his retirement date wandered up and proclaimed, “I do declare, NEVER have I seen such a FINE COLLECTION of EXTRAORDINARY beauties in one office.” At that point, two of the referenced women exclaimed, “Awww!” and kissed him on the cheek simultaneously. One Armani-clad thirtysomething guy in the huddle responded by blurting out, “Hey, what about me?” Both women raised their eyebrows and one retorted, “Him? Stop being jealous. He’s Harmless.”

3) Famously Happily Married

If someone is blissfully happy in his or her married relationship, and everyone knows it, there are certain—and sometime strange—incidences when such a person can get away with jokes and/or banter that nobody else could. Usually, this is seen when there’s a particularly quick wit and a distinct lack of jealousy between spouses involved. Some can just naturally get away with saying things to MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex), particularly among friends or in the workplace, that others would never utter in a million years. But it’s okay. These people are HARMLESS.

4) Gay

When women OR men interact with MOTOS who lead an alternative lifestyle, the flirtatious banter that can sometimes occur can confuse the heck outta other people around. Now you know why. Harmless.

5) Physically Uncared For, To The Extreme

If someone--particularly a guy--is morbidly obese, infirmed, poorly groomed and/or extremely unattractive in some other way then he is often considered HARMLESS by MOTOS. Ironically, the more physically fit and sexually attractive a woman is, the more likely she is to respond in a playful manner to flirtatious banter from such a person—especially if she has an outgoing personality. Now you know why this goes on. To a lesser degree this dynamic can be seen in reverse (i.e. the woman is 'Harmless'), but almost always when the woman’s personality makes her irresistibly fun to be around…harmlessly.

6) Weak Personality, To The Extreme

Very shy, socially removed, and/or socially unskilled guys often receive special attention from certain beautiful women, especially very sweet and outgoing ones. Such women inherently understand that these guys are likely getting zero female attention, and therefore smile at them and hug them because they’re HARMLESS. After all, such socially hamstrung guys won’t be crazy enough to act upon it or anything.

By now you’ve guessed that the first four bullet points above aren’t really negotiable—at least we suppose not. Granted, boys grow up, older guys can get 'game' if they so choose (the gentleman in the above scenario was not of that FRAME of mind), marrieds aren’t always immune to cheating, and those who are gay may become bi-curious. But generally speaking, those first four scenarios are safe-havens for all involved.

It’s points #5 and #6 that we can do something about. If you have solid reason to believe that either of those last two situations apply to you, and you wonder how you can be getting female attention but NO DATES, now you know why. I know this is where a lot of guys live on a daily basis, yet an amazing number don’t even realize it. Just last night, Emily and I hit our local Sonic Drive-In after the Spurs game. There they were: Two pretty young women with their 'Harmless' guy friends—both of whom were trying unsuccessfully to believe they had a chance, much to the amusement of the ladies. So yes…what we are talking about here is very, very real.

While outlining what it takes for someone who can (and should) to get out of the “Harmless Dungeon” is way beyond the scope of this short piece, know for starters that it is absolutely possible—and can be accomplished faster than most guys think. My purpose today is specifically to shine a light on the issue, which I’ve never read about elsewhere ever.

There is one key caveat to this conversation. Someone out there is saying, “Yeah, but she gave me the ‘JBF’ talk before we even went out…all I did was express interest. And that was the worst!” Okay, granted. But that was no ‘JBF’ talk, at least as far as the working definition we use around here. In such case, you’ve been issued notice that you are supposed to remain HARMLESS…and to please stay that way so she can peacefully forget this ever happened. Call it a ‘Harmless Talk in JBF clothing’.

And what if you are finding that MOTOS are completely disgusted with you and avoid you at all costs? Okay, you’ve got me there. Yeah, well… that’s just flat-out ‘Creepiness’ and is truly as bad as it gets, short of a formal restraining-order. That’s the worst ‘zone’ of all.

Photo- Joannenah-Flickr-Creative Commons

She has a man? So What!

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:00:00 PDT

It’s happened to you before. You’ve walked up to a girl that you thought was cute and right after you open your mouth you hear her say, “I have a boyfriend.” I’m sure you reacted in a bunch of different ways in your head and you ended up hesitating and she lost interest.

If as soon as you meet a girl, she tells you that she has a boyfriend, it’s likely that one of two things is happening:

Either

1) You are giving off the impression that you want something more than to playfully flirt with her.

2) She’s testing to see if you are going to leave if you can’t sleep with her.

If you are skipping steps in the Map of Interaction and you are thinking of pushing the interaction to Seduction when you’ve just met her, go back and study the way you should be thinking during the stage of Attraction. You never focus on what will happen next in an interaction. Don’t think about how you want her to make out with you. Just focus on the stage that you are on.

If you are being playful, though, and you still hear this, pretend that you have no idea why she is saying that. Respond in ways that you would if you really were just out to meet people (bonus points if you actually are out just to meet people).

Try these types of responses:

“Oh really!?? Is he here? Can I meet him?”

If she doesn’t have a boyfriend, you’ll have called her bluff. If she says, “He’s not here right now,” just say, “Oh I can’t wait to meet him!” and continue on with your interaction. If she tells you, “Yeah he’s right here,” and she turns around a guy that is either supposed to be or actually is her boyfriend, introduce yourself and say, “It’s so nice to finally meet you! We were just talking about you. I’m ______.” In this situation, the worst-case scenario will be that you meet a guy and girl that are actually dating and now you are their friend. I promise that they will have other attractive friends that are single. Hang out with them later.

“Oh no, I think you’re really cute but I just met you! I can’t think about being your boyfriend yet!”

If you misinterpret what she is saying as if she is hitting on you, she’ll likely begin to defend herself and say that she didn’t mean it that way. When she begins to do this, she’ll likely start to search for your approval. If she searches for your approval then you are in a good position.

“Oh cool! Is that him? (point to the most clueless guy around – bonus points if it’s a crazy, tin-foil hat wearing homeless man)”

Again, you’ll be jokingly going along with her and also keeping the conversation playful and fun. She’ll also likely begin to tell you exactly why she doesn’t like the guy that you pointed at. You two can then have your little “what kind of guys do you go for” conversation.

“Oh cool! I should meet him so he isn’t mad that I’m talking to you.”

This response, like the first one listed, gets you over the usual hurdle that most guys will trip over and puts you in the win-win situation again. It shows that you have respect for people in good relationships and that you aren’t afraid to confront another guy in her presence.

Don’t think that she is trying to scare you off. If you feel like you’ve been rejected, then she’ll be glad she said it. But if you go beyond it and stay playful, the worst that could happen is she is telling the truth and you meet her boyfriend who you will now be friends with. The best-case scenario is she admits that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and you can build rapport and connect with her.

Episode #86 Doctor Paul Interview

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 08:11:00 PDT

Doctor Paul discusses developing strong inner game, how to become a real man and generate natural attraction.

Check out Doctor Paul's website Doctor Paul

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Attack of Your Past

mailbag@pickupppodcast.com (www.pickuppodcast.com) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 00:00:00 PDT

A lot of my students know I have had a crazy sordid past of being a rock n roller. I had spent much of my life in a combative attitude towards everybody and everything. I remember how I handled things in the past with a shitty attitude, always digging a hole for myself everywhere I went. Why do we do these things to ourselves, half the time we do not even give ourselves a chance?

After I learned a better skill set in handling all situations, I went back to see where all the damage had been done: Friends that had done me wrong, girls that fucked me over, and, worst of all, people who I have looked up to pulling the rug out from under me. It was enough to make me just give up on it and end it. This started the withdraw from society. With a heavily damaged self worth, I began looking down at the world with an everybody-is-out-to-get-me attitude. Looking to feel good in this situation, I turned to women and drugs to medicate. Spending too many years living this way and not getting what I thought I wanted really made me decide to change. We all know if we do the same things we get the same results. So, although the change was hard, I knew I had to do it.

In my life quest, I started changing my beliefs about what was possible and gained a different skill set in dealing with people. With that simple change in my thinking, I began to see my world change. It was an everyday process. Putting positive people in my life and getting rid of negative influences caused things in my life to flourish. Yet although things got better, ghosts from the past came knocking, and this time, not just to put me down, but to attempt to suck the very life from me that I worked so hard to better. This will happen in everyone’s life who tries to make positive changes, and this is where you must begin to really fight.

My past haunts me on facebook, myspace, but most of all in my mind. Its funny; someone once said that the best revenge is a happy full life, well they got that right. I get slews of messages from naysayers, blood-suckers and people who try to very politely and discretely make you feel less than you are. All I can do now is feel bad for them, and say thanks, life’s great, hope all is well!” Getting to that point is a process, but a necessary one for living a successful life.

You will have to change beliefs and the behaviors of the old beliefs. In addition to that, you must be confident and trust that you are on the right path. Its so funny how many reach out for help, but when they get it don’t listen to the help that they asked for. They don’t realize that there is so much better out there for them waiting to be utilized. There is a whole world out there at your disposal. It is time to take advantage of that world. Whether it is the woman of your dreams, the job of your dreams or both, put your dreams in action, and watch them become reality. Take a class, try a camp, make some new friends etc. Whatever you decide to do, be bold, be different and enjoy success.