Pie in the Sky

SIVL Plenary - picturebook edition

2012-02-20T11:02:00.003+01:00

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Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Jack Black Reporting

2012-01-30T13:12:00.002+01:00

TEAM B pilot and part-time WikiLeaks reporter Jack Black gives us the low-down on the latest wings flying (and falling out the sky) at the PWC Superfinal in Valle.

Pilots might be especially interested in his comments on Blozone's Gonzo, the IcePack-6 and the new Jin-X wings.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Quote:

-
Dear Big-Wide-World,

After a week of flying here in Valle de Bravo in full on racing conditions I can offer some perspective...plz remember this is my own.

Yesterday saw a few more events which helped solidify my feelings. Following several reserves/incidents in the preceding days, notable events I'm familiar with for yesterday (there were others) being 2 JinX's falling out of the sky with one ending under reserve and the other, an excellent pilot, cascading 800 meters with a clean glider but unable to restart the glider with normal inputs - it finally started flying again at the last possible moment.

With full on racing conditions we've had much of the time, the majority of gliding is being done on full bar and everyone has done everything they can to optimize their speed systems. You can imagine that pilots are trying various measures to eek out even the smallest additional speed. Yesterday they put the ESS directly in the afternoon lee/rotor of C Gordo with a 1k cylinder which wasn't the best call by the tc and many pilots got worked diving in there. Nik Papadopolopolis was full bar in there on his Gonzo and was trying something with his risers to get a bit more and blew up with a big cravat/spiral/full stall/cascade and unable to restart then reserve with strong downplane and scary high speed tall tree crash falling 30 feet shredding his glider. We were all quite relieved that he was ok and able to spin it humorously as only Nik can do.

Two days ago Lucky D'Nini, one of the planets most skilled and experienced pilots was ACRO deep stalling his Gonzo over the lake after making goal and ended up under reserve and in the trees up the hill a bit from the LZ, again, unable to get things sorted out and restarted

Both the Gonzo's and the IcePack-6's are gliding quite well and are rock solid on speed through all kinds of turbulence. The Jin pilots are really struggling because they don't glide as well at trim and are nowhere near as efficient while trying to speed through turbulence. They are constantly pitching and having to come off bar because it's difficult to effectively control the gliders with the risers. There was all kinds of hype when we got here about the Jin and how it turned so well it would easily climb right up through other gliders.. This of course ended up being total BS and of course it climbs nice but doesn't stand out. Several of the same pilots are now disappointed in the overall performance of the glider saying its not so good for racing but good only for recreational flying. The current results tend to support this but of course it's early in the comp and things may change.

The IcePack-6 has had some healthy factory quality control issues which showed up in several gliders after the first few warmup days. This was evidenced by dimples discovered by nearby pilots on the top surface in various locations. Some were temporarily sorted out by cutting and taping internal cross bracing... Another IcePack-6 took a full frontal (before the comp started) and broke some A lines then reserve. It was thought that they were possibly improperly looped at the riser attachment point and burned through at the first shock loading of the glider.

The Gonzo is an AreTen-Two with restricted speed and a small C cascade which seems to
make it launch easier. The B handles allow top efficiency while speeding on glide through all kinds of turbulence. Unlike the AreTen-Two and AreLeven, the Gonzo will spin (and apparently do a nice helicopter spin according to Joss yesterday) if pushed too hard while thermalling, but the spin authority is quite good and this has produced no problems that I'm aware of.

The IcePack-6 has very successfully incorporated much of the AreLeven's leading edge shark nose. It's flying very nicely and pilots are able to keep it coordinated while accelerated through turbulence. The certification was showing it quite a bit faster than the Gonzo and again many pilots were talking about how they were going to school us on glide..... Again, this never materialized and the gliders seem dead even IF you get every cm of speed out of your system. If you're half a turn behind someone when you leave the last thermal then you will hit the ESS 10k later the same distance behind them if you've both managed the glider equally through turbulence and stayed mostly pulley to pulley.

I guess what you can take from this is that any of these gliders may be difficult or impossible to restart if things go bad. Many Blozone pilots, myself included, are convinced that the best and safest all around racing glider is at home. While the risks of full speed blowouts are clear on the AreLeven/BoomBoom8, it appears that all 4 of the gliders we are flying here are also at risk of being unrecoverable if things go bad. Blozones website warning on the Gonzo is spot on and Jin and Nov-yuk should do the same. Why not fly the AreLeven which glides better, handles better, and is much less likely to break/stall/spin than the gliders we've been forced on to by the events of last summer?

It's been very typical Valle full on racing with great conditions, great pilots, and plenty of carnage with fortunately no serious injuries... The way things are going I'm sure there will be boat loads of data to summarize and sort through when this is finished....

J Black
-

So there you have it folks. If it's dirt you want, we got it. And it's nice to know that, during these turbulent times, all is back to normal with the top-dogs. Yes, they're still falling out the sky on a regular basis...

The internet !
Once the Pope's out the bottle, he'll be shittin' in the woods till doomsday. [ WTF? - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

An Interim Report

2011-12-09T23:09:00.000+01:00

As most of you will know, a SIVL CompSafNet Defcon 5 Task Force was setup a few months ago and asked to sort out all the problems that have recently blighted the world of on-bar, lee-side thermalling, small silver trophies and skinny wings.

A few months ago they went off armed with pencils and have now returned to put pen to paper. Or key clicks to keyboards perhaps. They promised an interim report. So they wrote one.

The long awaited interim report has been anxiously awaited by many competition pilots as it will recommend to the powers that be what options they have to choose from when defining how competitions will run in the future. Not only the comps, of course, also the wings that may be flown, by whom, when, where and how. Although we are reliably informed that paragliders of a single tether set are off the table.

Well, it's been finished and it's been submitted, and almost on-time. [impressive - Ed]
And, of course, it's been leaked, presumably by the Ozzies.

What a choice of font! Stunning. Those boys know how to make a presentation all right. Not only does it set the professional tone of the document at the right level, it leaves the reader with [enough bullshit, get on with it - Ed]

So to the all important content. Those who have the time to read the document will have already done so, but there will be pilots out there who simply don't have the time to read and digest the entire tome. Enter Pie, with one of our enterprise class executive summaries.

The Pie executive summary:

"Everything, within the bounds of common sense, that you can possibly think to change about wing class definitions, harness safety, pilot training, accident reporting, task planning, wing testing, task scoring and anything else related to the competitive side of our sport that may help improve safety is on the table to solve this almighty balls up.

Over to you SIVL. Choose one please."

Well, that clears that up then.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

Material Crisis

2011-09-20T12:40:00.000+02:00

IT RATHER seems that September is not a good month to be a paraglider manufacturer. You may remember Pie reporter Maribel "Rose" Culottes broke the "White Wash" story this time last year when she discovered some manufacturers were running short of Posher-9017 and using Y-fronts in EN-C's? Well, here at Pie we're getting that sense of deja-vu again. Once more, again.

Trawling the net for the latest news, leads and stories for our readers we stumbled upon a video of a wing still in development and we think we've uncovered something untoward. And we think it shows they've lost those rolls of white cloth again.

"Surely not?", we hear you say.
Well yes, we think they surely have.

If you examine the following still frame from a secret, never-before-seen video we found on Vimyo, we're pretty confident you'll agree something is amiss.

Amazing, isn't it? There it is. Right there, in red and white.

Due to their failure to implement a decent JIT supply system and have the right materials, at the right place, at the right time, for the right wing, they're going to attempt to con customers out of half their bloody wings. The nerve of these guys! Do they really think they can get away with simply not supplying the bottom sail?

We've handed our findings to the Trading Standards Institutits and await their reply.

Meanwhile, somewhat unsurprisingly, Blozone were unavailable for comment.
[it must be all that R&D - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Task Force II

2011-08-29T15:52:00.006+02:00

WELL YOU'RE just not going to believe this one.

This morning we received a press release direct from Hollywood. Yep, direct from Hollywood. Amazing, huh?

At the time of going to press, we were unable to preview the trailer or confirm the movie plot beyond the press release we received. So it's anyone's guess as to what this movie is about.

Perhaps we can presume it contains something of interest to PG pilots. Maybe.

Here's the press release in full. You decide.

Quote:

.. Univursal Studio Pictures presents...

.. .. .. a Farcical Moments / SIVL Pictures Production...

.. .. .. .. .. of a Calvow All-Ridge Film...

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. in collaboration with Film Four, R11 Offshore Rigs and Snoozewell Hospital Beds LLC...

TASK FORCE II - - - This Time It's Personal !!

After the failure of their first mission behind enemy lines, the boys are going back.
And this time it's personal.
And this time they're taking notes !!
(and guns)
(but mainly notes)

Picking up (the pieces of) where they left off in the first movie, Bruce Willis (Knutson) takes on the might of The Baddie (IsInDerGarden) over the "Testing Ground" that is CAT-1 territory. Overrun by enemy test wings this no-mans-land is no place for a girl, but nothing will stop The Bint (Joe Lyn) from keeping her man alive.

With the timebomb ticking, and future wing development at stake, can our hero save the day and grab an extra .3 glide? Will he be able to squeeze an extra 3kph top end into wind? Will he get off the speedbar before it cravattes this time?

When the going gets tough, the tough buy serial class. No shit !! Shit, No !!

TASK FORCE II, the all-new Farcical/SIVL blockbuster starring...

Gregorial Knutson as "Bruce Willis"
Jorge Uweld is "The Organiser"
Jon Wolton is "The Notetaker" (legal and A4)
Gosh Cohen is "Jesus' Mum"
Loo Joe Lyn is "The Bint"
Mad IsInDerGarden is "The Baddie"
Hands Pampas is "The Designer"
Rusty Ogler is "The Pilot"
Tungsten Steal is "Mister Pink"

and introducing:
.. .. The Serial Killer as "himself"

Coming Soon To A Cinema Near You !!
(well, maybe next year) (or later)

There you go folks. Grab a Coke and a small popcorn because it sounds like it's going to be a roller-coaster of an action adventure movie !!

[I think I'll wait for the DVD, Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Naming Conventions

2011-08-03T11:58:00.001+02:00

IT TRULY is amazing what we receive in the post!

Once again the postmaster general has brought us an anonymous tip which we feel obliged to share. Our French is terrible, but it does rather seem to be an official government form of some kind.

Make of it what you will.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

A Christian Interview

2011-08-01T20:55:00.003+02:00

WE GOT it! That's right, the one they all wanted... we got. We got that late Thursday night interview with Christ Yan Moorer. Yep, the one they said would never happen. The one those hacks over at XC-Rag can only dream about and those mainstream TV anchors wouldn't think of putting on air, but here at Pie we don't give up easily, we stick with it to give our readers what they really want to read. Really, really.

After flying and running for the length of your average continent, Christ-Yan went on a bit of a bender with his support driver (Thomas Thingy-whatever) to blow off the stress and strain and ease those aches and pains. And let's face it, you'd need a fair amount of good quality alcohol to ease those aches don't you think?

So last Thursday we somewhat lucked out when we bumped into them in Monaco's famous "Big Tits 'N' Even Bigger Tits" club. This surprised us a little as we were led to believe the Christ was a quiet, unassuming man of modest character and a well balanced demeanor. So, WTF, always happy to get it where we can, we sat down to see if all that sponsors liquor was having an effect and speak to the newly crowned king of the mountains. (and Thomas Thingummy)

Luckily, we taped it. (as the whole thing came as a great surprise when we found the tape in our pocket the next morning)

The Pie-Christ interview:

Pie: What was your worst moment, if you had one? And the best?
CM: Well, right from the off, treading in that horse shit before even crossing the Salzburg River was a big downer for me. They were new boots and everything, and I knew they'd never be the same for the whole trip. And I lost my lucky Swiss Army knife on day three, a gift from Bruce Goldchain when we met in Oz a few years back. I really missed that every day. Oh yes, and of course there was the full frontal induced, cravatted spin 20m AGL on that lee-side ridge with a 70Kph headwind. But I went hands-up and it came out no problem. Yes, and running out of toilet paper on the Schnitzelhorn Ridge would also be in my top 10 but likewise, I went hands up and it... well... likewise.

Pie: And the best moments?
CM: Oh yes, well ten minutes before you came in that chick with the tassles, over there behind the redhead, gave me a lap dance and XC-Rag paid for it, so that's one for the diary I can tell you. Don't tell the missus. Oh, and the final touchdown when I hit the raft at Monaco. Great moment. Truly a relief.

Pie: You mean finally ending the torture and pain?
CM: No, just hitting the raft. Trust me, I'm fucking useless at accuracy, I couldn't hit a dart board with a beer bottle if my life depended on it. I spent more time practising spot landings than anything else during training. Hopeless I am, but just keep it to yourself ok?

Pie: Tell us Chrigler, do you have bigger balls than most pilots? Physically speaking, I mean, are they above average in size?
CM: Well, it's not the size of your balls that's important, is it? It's what you do with them. Having a large pair of balls is no use if you get yourself killed within a year of learning to fly, now is it. And you need to be comfortable in your harness in this sport. You fly, sort of, you must know this.

Pie: Are you fucking kidding? It must take an elephant sized pair of gonads to launch a two-liner off a cliff you've never seen before in a 50kph crosswind with no bail-out option of it doesn't come up straight?
CM: Well yes, ok, they're fucking huge. And hairy. You can quote me!

Pie: Another beer, or chaser?
CM: Oh yes, Red Bollox have got a tab, I'm having two of of each. Thomas! We need more drinks!

Pie: During the comp you flew 1300Km in 36 hours and ran 500Km in 85 hours. Are you fucking nuts?
CM: Clearly! Next question? Oh, thanks Thomas, and hey, remember, you're driving my friend!

Pie: During the comp you flew 1300Km in 36 hours and ran 500Km in 85 hours. Are you fucking nuts?
CM: No, not at all. It's all about physical training and mental preparation.

Pie: During the comp you flew 1300Km in 36 hours and ran 500Km in 85 hours. Are you fucking nuts?
CM: Well yes, clearly I am. There's no amount of physical training or mental preparation that can fully prepare you for the grueling onslaught of two weeks of that shit you know. Will that do?

Pie: What makes your glider so fast compared to the competition? How does it go so fast?
CM: Dunno.

Pie: Some say it's the pilot?
CM: Maybe, who is he? Is he good?

Pie: You're not human are you?
CM: No. never have been, never will be. Don't fancy it, to be honest. You humans are so weak and have a very limited capacity for just about everything except alcohol. My main worry is that by outclassing the entire field in this x-comp thing I might draw attention to myself and the Men in Black might come looking for me. Hey, that chick's eying me again...

Maybe we ran out of tape, maybe we turned it off, we'll probably never know. Either way, this exclusive interview has given us all a revealing look into the mind of probably the best pilot in the world.

You read it here first.

[Chrigel, you really are a bloody machine, congratulations (to all) - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Subliminal Messages

2011-07-27T15:52:00.002+02:00

IT RATHER seems like there might be a little inter-team communications going on in the currently running Bred Bull X-Pulp competition.

Perhaps the organisers should be informed...

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Ghostly Visions

2011-07-26T22:50:00.004+02:00

WE'VE JUST received a photo purporting to be from a well known West Coast flying site in the US of A. It was hand delivered to the Pie editor and we have to agree it seems strange.

At first glance it looks to be a simple photo of a grassy field, but on further examination it does seem to contain a ghostly shape. Strange!

In the general interests of the free flying community we would ask all pilots to examine the image closely and see if you spot anything out of the ordinary. Anything vaguely ghost-like, maybe.

If you do, we would ask you to mail us and let us know what you think it might be.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

The Machine

2011-07-26T12:34:00.001+02:00

PIE IN THE SKY - rarely speechless!

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Tracivitis

2011-07-26T10:33:00.004+02:00

HERE AT Pie we like to keep an eye on the general health of paraglider pilots and have recently been informed of a worrying trend.

Recently, the number of reported cases of what doctors call tracivitis, a recently discovered obsessive-compulsive disorder, have increased significantly such that we feel we should bring this to the attention of the general flying population.

Luckily, the symptoms are pretty easy to recognise so please take a long look in the mirror and see if you are suffering from any of the following; redness around the eyes, aching right wrist, difficulty sleeping, swollen right index finger, inability to use a laptop without the Googleearth plugin or a complete failure to recognise what your wife looks like any more.

If you find yourself suffering from any of these symptoms please try and confront the issue immediately before it takes over your life.

The General Medical Councils of most countries are offering the following advice; uninstall the Googlearth plugin from all your computer systems, throw your mouse away, remove all IGC & KLM files from your house, go outside for 5 minutes every hour during daylight hours, stop monitoring that PGF thread every five minutes, get a life or a girlfriend and, most importantly, go to the pub and drink a beer without your laptop or smartphone.

If all else fails and you find yourself unable to escape the evil clutches of this addiction, there are help groups and charitable organisations that can assist you with your fight, just Google tracivitis or Trackers Anonymous. Good luck!

We can only hope that this message and the advice from the worlds top medical experts will reach those in need before it's too late.

Pie in the Sky: helping addicts, one step at a time.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Also For Sale

2011-07-12T11:24:00.000+02:00

For Sale:

Blozone Tantrum Are-11.
As new. Still crisp. Yellow/Red. Flown 5 times.
Always packed with care. Never taken a collapse (obviously).

Asking: 20 Euros
Will consider swap for Edell Space 27 or Hairwave Kiss M

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

For Sale

2011-07-12T11:02:00.002+02:00

For Sale:

Blozone Tantrum Are-11. As new. Still crinkly. Orange/Red.
Flown 4 times: 100km on practice day, 2 hour evening post-retrieve float to the pub, task 1 & 2.

Asking: 25 Euros, negotiable.
Will consider swap for bus ticket to Madrid on Thursday.

Wankers!
[they definitely get it now - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

CAT 1 Organiser Pack

2011-07-12T09:40:00.000+02:00

THE NEW Pie in the Sky CAT-1 Competition Organiser Pack is now available for the introductory price of 199 EUR plus delivery. That's right, for less than 200 euro bucks you can relieve much of the pressure and risk involved in running a high level paragliding competition.

For many years we've watched comp organisers struggle to put together a full blown competition, often re-inventing the wheel as they go and being bogged down with the administration and as the comp gets into full swing, spending much of their precious time putting out fires rather than focusing their attention on running the comp.

Well no longer folks. Thanks to our CAT-1 Comp Pack much of the worry and hard work will fade away and you, the organiser, can focus your time more appropriately. That's right, you'll be able to personally ensure the sandwich fillings are tasty, have the time to check the retrieve van tyre pressures are tip-top and maybe even have time to check the latest scores. All those other day to day, thankless tasks that you are required to do will receive so much more of your valuable time.

So how did we do it?

After considerable research into the requirements of running a modern high level competition our expert working group have put together a complete pack of legally approved, cross-border, FIA approved documentation for the would-be organiser. Yes, that's you, the one at the back with his fingers crossed.

Full documentation is available on our sales packaging, but here's a taster of what's inside the box:

an iron-clad, 3rd set of lines exclusion clause that may be added to any existing documentation
a get out of jail free card
a legal waiver allowing you to keep your house should a federation or governing body suddenly realise they've been asleep on the job part-way through your comp and stop it.
a 50-tablet blister packet of Paracetamol (600mg)
the Blozone secret hotline help number, previously only known to 6 people worldwide
a web page template explaining to your competitors they may soon have some spare free-flying time on their hands
the home addresses of all SIVL working group members and a Google maps route showing the shortest route to visit them all in a single weekend
a legal document explaining to the local authorities that the effort they put in alongside your own has actually been wasted and 50% of the expected local revenue will now not appear. Available in 10 languages.
a 10 EUR voucher for hand cream
a hand written bribery note which may be used appropriately to help ensure you get gold-star approval for any future comps should your current one be fucked over
a 20-tablet packet of Diazepam/Valium direct from an online drugs company in India that may be used yourself if appropriate candidates do not naturally present themselves during the first few days
two matchsticks, to support the eyelids or the corners of the mouth when a smile is required
a 20% discount voucher for the Blozone 2-liner of your choice
... and much more ...

So there it is folks. Get it while it's hot. Only while stocks last!

Wankers!
[I think they get it now - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Dear Kitt II

2011-07-11T20:53:00.000+02:00

Dear Kitt,

Mark Hayman for President !

yours sincerely,
Editor, Pie in the Sky

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Piedrahita 2011

2011-07-11T12:57:00.002+02:00

TO CELEBRATE the blinding success of yet another World Championships, Pie in the Sky have decided to pay for a day of fun and frivolity for the organisers and all competitors.

Woo-hoo!

The location of the celebrations have yet to be finalised, but the theme has already been decided. A day-trip to a Brewery was voted the most entertaining option and we'll even throw in free transport so everyone can partake of a few beers.

We have left the organisation in the capable hands of SIVL (and their working group) and eagerly await their deliberations so we can all have a fun-filled day out.

Wankers!

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Towering Twat

2011-06-16T10:53:00.003+02:00

EPITOMISING THE modest nature for which paraglider pilots are famous, a twat jumped off a tower a couple of weeks ago. Nothing unusual in that, we hear you say, what with the debt crisis, mortgages failing hourly and the stock markets crashing more regularly than a blind skier, there's been a fair few "tower jumps" recently.

Sadly for our sport, however, this one seems to have been strapped to a speedwing.

Dull Chants, paraglider dealer and all-round shy person, seemed to have got away with it though, as his plan to speedfly from the top of an ancient US monument seemed to go without a hitch. For any non-US readers, please note that in the US an ancient, protected, historical monument will be about the same age as your house. Or younger.

On the day in question, it seems the police were nowhere to be seen and he had the opportunity to pull off his stunt. He pulled off a pretty clean exit, followed by what can only be described as a very short top-to-bottom into a flat field and ran off into the sunset. Or as it's better known, the back seat of your mates truck. Well done Dull. Here at Pie we particularly enjoyed the emotional high-fives in the car park. Wa-hooo, go team gonads and where's my double decaf latte?

Unfortunately for Mssr. Chants, and for the public image of our sport, it rather seems that the egocentric side of his nature took over as he then published the video on youToob. Soon thereafter, the overworked and undermanned local police spotted the video, presumably while checking youToob for criminals stupid enough to publish their crimes on the web, and asked the media to circulate it. It wasn't long before Dull was picked up and arrested while laying low in his carefully selected hideout. Paramotoring on an Oregon beach. D'Oh!

So there you have it folks. Do we even need to even say it?

How many branches in the dumb-ass tree did you hit when you fell out Dull? 10,000?

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Records Gallore

2011-05-10T16:50:00.014+02:00

NEWS HAS been trickling into the Pie offices over the past few weeks clearly showing that this season is going off like a rocket, especially in the Alps. It's being reported that records are falling like dominoes this year. And it's only May !

Two Austrians, Heli Reichholder and Christoph Edelweiss, posted a 268.5Km triangle in the Alps last month smashing Krigal Moorer's record by a little over 3ft, 6in. A fantastic distance, especially if you consider they were both flying Blozone Arten's. Amazing !

Flying granny, Fiona McCasco, has set a new girls 25Km triangle speed record at a whopping 26.1kph. A fantastic speed, especially if you consider she was flying a Blozone Belta. Amazing !

Lucky Luke Amour set off with a pal on a working holiday recently and appears to have set a new Alpine record of 339Km. A fantastic distance, especially if you consider they were both flying their company wings, Blozone Arleven's. Amazing !

Italian babe Nicole Fidelta set off on the other side of the Alps and flew 208Km, breaking two world records, the girls out and return distance, and the girls 200Km out and return speed records. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider she was flying a Blozone Arten. Amazing !

Another Italian pilot, Ardweeno Per Sello recently flew 267Km and set a new out and return world record. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider he was flying a Blozone Arten. Amazing !

Over the waters in the UK, Mike Cavenagogogoch set new UK standards with open and declared triangle records going under his 92Km flight. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider he was flying a Blozone Emfor. Amazing !

Mike's bonfire seems to have received a bit of a watering though, as his record has been dulled by the news that fellow pilot Brenda Read made a below-the-radar triangle of over 100Km the day before. A fantastic flight, especially if you consider he was flying a Blozone Arten. Amazing !

Rumour has it that Brenda's flight will not be ratified as he failed to follow the UK rule of needing to start your triangle within 2.5Km of a fish and chip shop. Amazing !

A great start to 2011, and Pie would very much like to congratulate these pilots on their achievements. [we really would - Ed]

We would also like to point out that we noticed a few trends while compiling our list of record breakers...

Firstly, magazines such as Pie and XC-Rag are likely to be the only place you'll read about such records, as the bureaucrats down at the FIA seem to make it so stupidly complex to ratify a record many pilots don't even bother to submit their flights. Even Maurer's record is not recognised.

Secondly, it really is amazing that these records are being set using the full spectrum of paragliders available on the market today. Here at Pie we'd always thought that at any given time there is one dominant wing manufacturer but, as you can see, the facts speak for themselves.

Dial up some more Pie next month when we publish the results of our exclusive investigation where we uncover how many other manufacturers are still out there. [so far we've counted 3 - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Dear Kitt

2011-05-09T10:56:00.013+02:00

LAST WEEK we received a letter addressed to the editor. In itself not an unusual occurrence, let's face it we receive several every week, but this particular letter stood out in that it wasn't directly insulting the Pie editorial team or complaining about our reporting style.

So we read it.

It seems to be a copy of a letter addressed to one of the British Team Leaders, Burkitt (Kitt) Rud, a man who needs no introduction in some elemental circles. Strange we got a copy though.

We can only assume that by copying us the author would like his views aired. So as a leading international paragliding magazine, and no stranger to stirring muddy waters even further, we're happy to oblige.

Quote:

Dear Kit,

It is with regret that I find myself in a position where I feel obliged to resign my team place for the forthcoming World Chumpionships in Piedraheater.

As you know from our discussions I have become very concerned over the last year about the safety and thus the wisdom of flying the recent two-line competition gliders. This concern is three-fold.

Firstly, I strongly believe I'm too old for this shit.
It has been brought to my attention recently that I now have children and that getting myself killed chasing a ridiculous trophy is simply a risk I cannot justify any more. It rather seems my risk analysis over the past 20 years has been so flawed that I have repeated put myself in harms way, simply for the glory. This has to stop. "No more", I found myself saying to the mirror while shaving last week, "It's just not worth it". Besides, with kids in tow, the chicas won't even look at me twice, trophy or no trophy.

I just can't do it any more, Kitt !

Secondly, I'm clearly far too fat for this fucking sport now.
It's killing me you know. I can't even find a bloody wing to fit me and it seems to me that these two liners aren't strong enough for us lard asses. I am unusual in that I fly at weights well over 120Kg and I can tell you that at this flying weight you spend a lot of time wondering just how strong the anchor points are into the sail. Well, I do anyway.

In any case cutting more and more lines out of paragliders and making the remaining ones thinner is, in my opinion, dangerous and stupid and having seen a couple of gliders with line failure already last year I’m not prepared to keep taking the risk.

I just can't do it any more, Kitt !

Thirdly, these newer gliders are, in my opinion, and from evidence I’ve seen with my own eyes during competitions, almost irrecoverable by even very highly skilled pilots if they have large frontal collapses. It is true they collapse less but also true that if this happens the results are often catastrophic. Scary!

I just can't do it any more, Kitt !

I was hoping for some sensible direction from CIVL towards a safer and more enjoyable future but, as has so often been the case in the past, the recent plenary meeting pretty much decided to do nothing. As you well know, of course, I've always been a bit naive.

If a pilot like me cannot control a competition glider under all circumstances then the sport is rotten to the core and in need of change. Unless, of course, I've lost my bottle.

During conversations with you and with other team members I can see that there is a tacit pressure to fly the highest performance machine available (and therefore often the least safe) even if the pilot doesn’t feel capable enough to fly one. The best pilots in the world taking risks, I never saw that one coming!

How nice it would be if we could all go flying in the morning safe in the knowledge that we’d be coming home to our families safe and well again in the evening. (and with a trophy or two under our arm)

Best regards and good luck to the team,
The Braymanator
====

Well there you have it folks. Make of it what you will, but it rather seems that whoever he is, he's had enough of this shit. Or is simply too old for it. [and he just can't do it any more, Kitt - Ed]

[too tempting to pass up, Mark - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Whittling Away

2011-03-28T11:44:00.007+02:00

NEWS IS beginning to come in that Mike Klung, the self-styled ACRO guru and self-taught crotchet champion, has taken on the challenge of breaking Robbie Whittler's altitude record.

"What altitude record?", we hear you say. Well, the greatest height gain above takeoff has been held for years by "Whittling" Bob Whittler and was set way back in the days before electricity [1993 - Ed] in the South African heartland [XC-Rag take note - Ed] [They did Ed - Ed]. Very little is known of the "dark ages" of paragliding but, given the right motivation, very little escapes a Pie journalist.

Back in "the day", when sky-blue, yellow and purple were considered a good colour combo for your flight suit, it seems that setting records simply involved getting up early on a sunny Wednesday morning, clipping in and going for some flying.

Thus was set one of PG's longest standing records, taking off and climbing out 4526m above takeoff. In fact the record is so bloody old it's in the FIA records as record number five.

Yes, that old.

Over the years, many people have claimed to have broken the record, Le-Roy Westerhaus and those old jet-flap freaks down at Skytalk have made a claim and Eva Withoutskis was probably in with a chance back in 2007 had she only remained concious throughout. But when all's said and done, none of them seem to have been ratified by those old codgers down at the FIA, so the Whittler's record has remained virgo-intacto for nearly 20 years.

Until now, of course.

Next up is Big Mike Kong, the Big Klunk, the Kling, the Klang, the Klung. [Enough - Ed] Well, whatever you want to call him, that guy who showed us all how to walk over a Ford Focus is going to have a lash at it and in keeping with the spirit of aviation record breaking he's keeping it simple.

He's simply going to show up and "have a go" in the Himalayas with 7 or 8 fellow pilots and a small support team of 20 or so. Let's face it, carrying that wing to the 4700m takeoff would be a bitch without a few Tenzing's doing the hard work. He also seems to be armed with the full backup of the marketing dudes down at U-Burn and it's said they'll only have enough oxygen for 3 months. So the pressure will be on then.

Good Luck Mike! [ overuse of sarcasm here - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

The Blozone Ali-G

2011-03-17T16:22:00.006+01:00

EVER FOUND yourself on take-off wishing for a bit more peace and quiet? Often find yourself surrounded by loud-mouthed "experts" telling everyone the best thing to do? Regularly find yourself walking away from your gear just to find a rock to sit on away from the other pilots? Eat your sandwiches away from the crowd do you? Well, do ya punk?

This month we think we've got the solution for you and we're pretty confident your over-crowded take-off problems are soon to be a thing of the past. Or so it would seem.

Two weeks ago we received a demo version of some new kit designed specifically to tackle this problem and, we have to say, it certainly looks promising.

Introducing the "Blozone Ali-G: Bullshit Reduction Device".

That's right a shiny new bullshit reduction device from those top-cats down where all the good mountains are.

Upon opening the box, we immediately realised we were looking at something special. We were impressed with the stitching, and we felt the colour scheme meant we'd never lose it on takeoff. Of course, as they think of everything, they'd even included it's own little bum-bag so you can carry it with you at all times.

Keen to give the gear a quick test-run, we dumped the lot on the floor of the editors office and set about it. We found the compressed-air gas can (supplied) and hooked it to the input nozzle. Simple, quick and easy, and within 2.3 seconds we had a fully inflated red and white "Blozone Ali-G" sitting on the editors desk.

That's right folks, a metre-wide, red and white inflatable donut. Presumably for sitting on.

We felt it was pretty big though, but then not everyone has a bony arse, of course. It sure was comfortable too, and will be perfect for sitting on those cold mountain-top rocks away from the buzzing crowds and the interfering wuffo's.

So no more haemorrhoids for the Pie staff then. That's a relief.

[ Are you telling me that your comp wings are so damn efficient that you really want the option of a drag chute to get down safely? I take my hat off to the designers of what you guys are flying - Ed ]

[ You don't wear a hat, Ed - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Blozone: The New Novum

2011-03-16T13:15:00.008+01:00

YOU CAN imagine our surprise when a courier arrived at the Pie offices last week with a hand-written press invitation to this years Pamala award ceremony. It surely sounded like a great opportunity to dust off the old tux, re-teach ourselves how to tie a bow and see if the cummerbund still met in the middle.

For most of our readers the highly regarded and somewhat prestigious Pamala's will need no introduction, but for those new to our sport a Pamala is about as high an award as you can get if you are a paraglider manufacturer. A Pamala, or "Pammy", is not just a fatuous blonde bint with big fake tits and a penchant for videoing herself, it's also the Paraglider Marketing & Arse Licking Awards.

A Pamala is given annually to those manufacturers deemed to have excelled themselves in the art of self promotion, exaggerated claims, or to have proven themselves more than competent in the art of floating bullshit across slow moving water. So, clearly we were happy to roll up and see if we could get a free drink or three.

Standing beside the red carpet in Piccadilly Circus last week in the gentle London rain, with Jenson "Snapper" Pargo the Pie photographer, our roving reporter Jasmine Dreamz could be seen thrusting her microphone into the face of anyone who looked like they might know the difference between a brake pulley and a speedbar connector.

Here's Jasmin's report as the stars arrived:

Jasmine: "Hands! Are you feeling confident this year? Novum usually do very, very well at the Pammys!"
Hands Pampas: "Fukk offt"

Jasmine: "Your recent move to Advansed must give you call to feel that all is not lost Bruce?"
Bruce Goldchain: "Fuck off"

Jasmine: "Luke, come-on just a quick word for our readers, they want the inside track on your latest 30 patent applications"
Lucky Luke Amour: "Fooook off"

Jasmine: "Gyn, long way to come huh?"
Gyn Tonic: "Phoook off"

Jasmine: "Pendry, what the fuck are you doing here?"
John Pendulum: "Job interview next door with Barclays Financial Services"

Jasmine: "Mike, surely with the BBpBHp, the BabyFace, the BabyBlue and your new SharkBait you must be feeling like you've got it in the bag?"
Mike Cavanagogorgogh: "Fuck off"

So not very forthcoming then.

Luckily, after the ceremony Jasmine managed to get into the post awards party and with the microphone hidden where only a microphone can be, managed to get a few illicit recordings of our high-rollers celebrating the outstanding sweeping of the board by Blozone this year. Unfortunately, most of the revellers were a bit worse for the wear and we're not quite sure who to attribute some of the comments to, but the unedited clips are here in all their glory:

"... I know, I know, we knew we had it nailed when the fucking thing came out the modelling software..."
"... Hairwave bollocks! I can't even spell it these days.. yes please, another white wine..."
"... Hands put that down, you didn't get one this year..."
"... shark, fucking shark, can you believe it..."
"... fuck Blozone, they're full of shit ..."
"... it's genius boyz, we'z fuckin' genius's..."
"... patents my arse, it fucking marketing, the sly shits. Wish we'd thought of it..."
"... did you see when Mike slipped on the stairs, we nearly shat ourselves laughing..."
"... is that a microphone between your legs or are you just pleased to see me.."

So there you have it readers. Blozone, top marketeer of the year.
8-time Pammy Award winner, swept the boards, and pretty much sweeping the floor with all the other manufacturers as we speak.

[ for non-native English readers, "shark" is also a verb - Ed ]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Nigerian Trainees

2010-12-03T13:56:00.002+01:00

KEEN TO spread the word about paragliding as far and wide as possible you can imagine our delight when we received an overseas request for more info from Nigeria, of all places. The guy seemed to be interested in one of the ex-demo wings we had for sale in our small ads on the inside back cover of our online magazine. Always happy to pass on PG news, views and advice, here's the story.

Happy to strike up an online conversation with M'Bwana B'nana III, a surpisingly keen young pilot from Abuja, we replied to his email immediately. He seemed happy to purchase our wing for the price we were asking for, which somewhat surprised us as we had expected to enter a long and winding road of negotiations. After all we believed Nigeria to be a relatively poor country, on a global scale. Of course, at this time we were unaware of M'Bwana's Royal connections, but as we later learned, he probably wouldn't worry too much about a couple of thousand for a used paraglider. After a few weeks of bouncing emails off each other we settled on a means of payment and awaited his bank transfer. As soon as it arrived we shipped the wing. We also sent the extra cash, because, as it turns out, from inside Nigeria you can only transfer 10,000 EUR minimum, otherwise they get stung with 120% taxation. Bastard governments, we thought.

A week or so later we were chuffed when our new friend and Royal Prince, got in touch with us again and asked if we would like to be involved in helping his grandfather get some of his money out of Nigeria. It seems that since the decline of a moral and decent democracy, the new junta has clamped down on anything over 10 million leaving the country. Keen to help a fellow paraglider pilot we agreed to let his frail, aging gramps use our business accounts to transfer the funds. Like you would. Fellow pilot in need, and all that. M'Bwana said his grandad would let us keep about a half a million or so as a kind of thank-you. Well, that would come in handy when the Christmas party rolled round for sure.

Well that was 4 weeks ago now and, since then, we've started to get a bit worried about M'Bwana. If anyone knows if EasyJet fly to Nigeria we'd be pretty keen to have a timetable of their scheduled flights. We're quite desperate to get a cheap flight out there, because we've been checking and it seems M'Bwana may not be fully qualified to fly the EN-D wing we sent him and the last thing we would want is for him to hurt himself. We thought we'd take a trip out there and help train him ourselves and while there, maybe take in some of the tourist sights, some local cuisine and hopefully get a bit of our own African airtime.

M'Bwana must be away from his email at the moment. He hasn't replied to our requests for info on the nearest airport to all the paragliding sites out there. Be sure though, we'll let you know how we get on.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

The Heuvos

2010-11-08T12:35:00.003+01:00

ONCE AGAIN things are looking up in the world of ACRO. Never a day passes without some long haired hippy looking pilot having a lash at killing himself and failing.

It seems that Pax Taxit, the man with bigger hair than a 80's Glam Rock band, has been at it again. This time he's invented a new move, "The Huevos", which means eggs in Spanish.

To do the "Huevos" the pilot goes from SAT on one side, through Infinity Tumble, to SAT on the other side, and the name of the move comes from the part of the body most likely to be in pain during the manoeuvre.

"It is probably the only great connection we have left that we knew about and that was still undone", he was quoted as saying recently. Not that we knew what the fuck he was talking about. Let's face it, here at Pie, ACRO is something that happens to other people, or occasionally in the lee-side when one of us has really naffed it up.

“I managed the first ever successful execution of the ‘Anti-Arrhythmic’ coming down to a SAT from Infinity”, he was quoted as saying. “Soon after the dream of the ‘Huevos’ came true”.

Obviously, we were stunned that a man with a heart condition and on such medication should choose to do such high risk moves like the 'Huevos'. Hats off to the man. Although we were a little concerned that his dreams included such things, each to their own, of course!

We tried contacting Pax for a quick interview, but apparently he's too busy with his new commercial venture, selling tickets for tandem infinity tumbling. We contacted his secretary, who said, "Pie in the Sky? You're joking right? Yeah, well he told me that if you ever called that I was to say 'sod-off' as politely as possible. So he's busy. Sorry."

Right. So there you have it reader, if you've got the huevos for it, Pax is your man.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1908 "Louis Bleriot Tree-Landing" helmet cam video

Reviewing

2010-10-18T22:03:00.009+02:00

REVIEWING NEW wings is a thankless task, but one we rise to with all the professionalism expected of any quality paragliding publication.

Here at Pie we are unencumbered by high-powered advertisers willing to simply give us money, or the occasional 'permanent' demo wing. We do, however, appreciate the finer details of the delicate balance needed when producing a glossy magazine that gives the paying pilot quality reviews and yet at the same time placing enough ads to give slack-arsed journalists sufficient income to take out a mortgage, raise a family and then swan off on flying holidays for the other 360 days of the year. It's a fine line between selling your soul for every last cent and producing a well-balanced review full of useful advice that let pilots know the wing is a dog and will likely kill them as soon as they touch the speedbar. A fine line indeed.

So let's get down to it and give you the latest ad-free, brutally-honest and up-front review of one of the fleet of newly-arrived-to-market world-beaters. We took the latest TopStack Floater3 (EN-C) and put it through its paces and what follows are our conclusions after several test flights and based on years and years and years of testing wings. Years!

The following report conforms to the same standards of reporting as traditional paragliding magazine tests.

"As with all wings delivered from TopStack Gliders the wing arrived well packaged in a sturdy box. The glider arrived with a rucksack, manual, inner bag, compression strap, riser bag and speedbar. TopStack Gliders know first impressions count, and the attention to detail just on getting the glider out of the box impressed us. The manual was well written and very comprehensive in both Amharic & English. Very useful. Laying out the wing in the office we were very impressed with the wing itself, it was really well put together, great craftsmanship and the standard of finish on this glider is among the best in the business. They've clearly made a perfect choice of materials, both for weight and longevity. We noticed the stitching was in really straight lines except around the curvy bits and the colour scheme went very well with the rucksack we felt.

The harness attachments seem well placed just at the end of the risers, we liked this. Pilots should take note that the risers are skinny risers, but that's standard for wings of this class, although TopStack Gliders informs us that pilots may, when ordering, specify fat-risers if preferred. All the accompanying accessories were well presented and we really liked the choice of colour for the speedbar. We found the riser-tidy bag quite useful for our sandwiches and the compression strap worked very well. We tested it.

The line attachment points seemed really strong, definitely a plus, and they use the Gibi-Rigi-Arch, plenty of Mylar and weed-wacker inserts for the leading edge. All of these technological advances are fantastic news for pilots unless, of course, someone is offering you a lift back to takeoff and you've got to get your arse on the back seat in 5 minutes. The reinforcements in the leading edge were very clever and allow the attachment of the A's to be a bit further back. Several cm's back actually. This was simply clever design we thought.

Once on-site, we test inflated the wing several times and it came overhead very easily with little effort required and very little brake needed to control the surge. So no inflation problems to report for the Floater3. None whatsoever.

Ridge soaring is a dream with this wing, the turns are flat and controlled both with and without weightshift. When at altitude we threw in a few wingovers to see how it handled and it coped magnificently. The turning was both smooth and incredibly dynamic giving the pilot the feeling of confidence through complete control. The brakes are neither too heavy, nor too light and brake travel is neither too long, nor too short for a wing in this class. The TopStack designers have outdone themselves with the control acheived through such average brake use here. It turned beautifully in thermals which we liked, as this prolonged our test flights by several minutes in some cases. Thermal centering is left up to the pilot and not automatic on this wing, a good choice we felt.

The speed system is light and easy to use. We used the full range of a two step speed bar to get the pulleys touching, but with the bar being so light it's not a problem to use it at any setting. Trim speed seems very good for a glider at this level and seems to comply with the published data. Big ears are easy to do with the split A's and they come out very quickly when released. Fantastic.

This wing certainly has an improved glide ratio over the previous model, the Floater2, and no mistake. The glide may possibly be better than all other wings in this class, but we'd shy away from such bold statements as the other magazines wouldn't like it much. But we could say it if we wanted to. When using the speedbar we felt we could maintain pretty good pitch control and we could steer it with the rear risers too if required. This is bound to be a plus when considering the target market for wings in this class. A winner, for sure.

Normally at this point in the review we would show you a pointless table of different aspects of the wings performance and manageability with the usual 5-star column on the right. This wing, like so many others, would definitely score a couple of five-star entries and the rest of the table would be filled with 4 and 4.5 stars with one 3-star entry for some obscure tested feature no-one cares about. Unfortunately, we are pressed for time with this review and would invite the reader to simply imagine the table or maybe cut/paste a table from any of our previous reviews and insert it here.

So to summarise, a fantastic glider with mid to high-level agility and handling for its class, making it a great choice for long comfortable cross-country flying and your first competitions. For the more experienced pilot this is a delightful glider to fly around with almost no effort, blending impecable handling with such high levels of performance is an impressive feat, what other wing offers such fantastic performance in such a comfortable ride.[WTF? - Ed] For pilots ready to embrace C-class wings this is a very satisfying wing that will carry you well into your early competition career and beyond."

As with all reviews, we advise pilots to test fly any wing they may be considering buying. While much time and many years of experience has gone into throwing this review together, we recognise that each pilot has different requirements and we cannot stress enough the need to fly it yourself. As such, the Pie test team cannot be held accountable should any pilot choose to buy a TopStack Floater 3 based solely on this review and find themselves stuck with a dog of a wing that does not seem to match our test pilots experiences. You have been warned.

This cut/paste job has been brought to you by Pie. The healthy choice. [WTF? - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2009 "A320 Hudson River" bridge collision